[ PLAYER PIANO PLAYS ]
>> OH, I THINK IT'S ADORABLE.
I'LL TAKE IT.
>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
YOU SEE, IT'S THE LATEST MODEL.
>> CAN YOU DELIVER IT RIGHT
AWAY?
>> RIGHT AWAY, MADAM.
>> YOU SEE, IT'S MY HUSBAND'S
BIRTHDAY, AND I WANT TO SURPRISE
HIM.
>> OH, I UNDERSTAND.
AND THE ADDRESS, PLEASE?
>> 1127 WALNUT AVENUE.
>> WHOA.
PARDON ME, MR. POSTMAN.
>> YES, SIR?
>> COULD YOU TELL ME WHERE 1127
WALNUT AVENUE IS?
>> 1127 WALNUT AVENUE?
>> YES, SIR.
>> THAT'S THE HOUSE UP THERE,
RIGHT ON TOP OF THE STOOP.
>> THAT'S THE HOUSE UP THERE,
RIGHT ON TOP OF THE STOOP.
>> STEADY, SUSIE.
[ PIANO KEYS BANG ]
JUST A MOMENT!
THIS REQUIRES A LITTLE THOUGHT.
NOW EASE IT DOWN ON MY BACK.
OH!
[ GRUNTS ]
OH! GET IT OFF OF MY BACK!
OW!
[ PIANO KEYS BANG ]
WHY DON'T YOU BE CAREFUL?!
>> I COULDN'T --
>> OH!
COME ON!
UGH!
NOW HEAVE HO!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
[ PIANO KEYS BANG ]
OOF!
WAIT A MINUTE!
THAT'S IT.
HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE HO! HEAVE HO!
[ BOTH PANTING ]
>> WOULD YOU GENTLEMEN PLEASE
LET ME PASS?
>> WHY, CERTAINLY, MA'AM.
WHY, JUST A MOMENT.
JUST A MOMENT.
MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU.
NOW...
[ PIANO KEYS BANGING ]
>> [ SHOUTS ]
>> [ LAUGHING ]
>> OF ALL THE DUMB THINGS!
[ LAUGHS ]
OH!
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ PIANO KEYS CLANGING ]
>> AND NOT ONLY THAT, HE KICKED
ME.
>> HE KICKED YOU?
>> YES, OFFICER -- RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF MY DAILY DUTIES.
>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
OH, H-HE KICKED YOU, DID HE?!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
[ BOTH PANTING ]
>> HEY, YOU!
>> WHAT?!
>> COME HERE!
>> GO DOWN AND SEE WHAT HE
WANTS.
>> YO GO DOWN AND SEE WHAT HE
WANTS.
>> DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!
GO SEE WHAT THE MAN WANTS!
>> I'M NOT ARGUING.
>> GO AHEAD!
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
>> GO DOWN AND SEE WHAT HE
WANTS!
>> [ GROANS ]
>> WHAT?
>> I DON'T WANT YOU.
I WANT THAT OTHER MONKEY.
>> [ WHISTLES ]
>> WHAT?!
>> HE DON'T WANT ME!
HE WANTS THE OTHER MONKEY!
YOU!
>> OH!
OOH!
OH! WHOA!
OH! OH! OH! OH!
AAAAAAH!
[ PIANO CLANGING ]
[ GROANS ]
UGH! UNGH!
OH!
>> HEY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY
MOLESTING THAT GIRL?
>> WHO, ME?!
>> YES, YOU.
>> WELL, I WAS JUST --
>> NOW, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO
YOU.
>> ARE YOU GONNA STAND FOR THAT?
>> SAY, LISTEN.
IF HE'D HAVE SAID ONE MORE WORD
TO ME, I WOULD HAVE --
[ CHUCKLES ]
OH!
NOW, LET THAT BE ANOTHER LESSON
TO YOU.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> SAY, LISTEN.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BOUNDING
OVER YOUR STEPS?
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN BOUNDING
OVER MY STEPS?
>> WHY, HE MEANS, UH,
OVERSTEPPING YOUR BOUNDS.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> OH.
[ BOP! ]
NOW, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO
YOU.
>> OOF!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> OH.
[ BOTH PANTING ]
>> WELL?
WELL, ARE YOU TWO NUMBSKULLS
GOING TO TAKE THIS THING OUT OF
THE WAY?
>> WHAT'S IT TO YOU?
>> I SHOULD LIKE TO PASS.
>> WHY DON'T YOU WALK AROUND?
>> WHAT?! WALK AROUND?!
ME -- PROFESSOR
THEODORE VON SCHWARZENHOFFEN,
M.D., A.D., D.D.S., F.L.D.,
F.F.F.N.M. SHOULD WALK AROUND?!
GET THAT THING OUT OF MY WAY!
GET IT OUT OF MY WAY!
COME ON! GET IT OUT OF THE WAY!
OUT OF THE WAY!
VERY LOVELY.
I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR THIS!
I'LL HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL!
I'M PROFESSOR, D.D.S...
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> Both: HEAVE HO!
HEAVE HO!
>> OLLIE!
>> WHAT?!
>> I CAN'T MAKE IT!
>> DON'T WEAKEN NOW!
WE'VE ONLY GOT A COUPLE MORE
STEPS.
NOW MOVE TOGETHER!
HEAVE!
>> HO!
[ PIANO KEYS BANG ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
[ PIANO CLANGING ]
>> [ SCREAMING ]
>> COME HERE!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
>> YOU FELLAS CARRY THAT PIANO
ALL THE WAY UP THESE STAIRS?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
YOU SEE THAT ROAD DOWN THERE?
ALL YOU HAD --
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS TO DRIVE
AROUND THAT ROAD TO THE TOP
HERE.
PHEW!
>> NOW, WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF
THAT BEFORE?
>> HEAVE!
HO!
HEAVE!
HO!
HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> HEAVE!
>> HO!
>> WHOA!
JUST A MOMENT.
[ GRUNTING ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> WELL, I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO
TAKE IT BACK.
>> WHY?
>> THERE'S NOBODY HOME.
>> WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S
A WAY.
WE'LL TAKE THE PIANO THROUGH THE
WINDOW, CARRY IT DOWN THE
STAIRS, AND PLACE IT IN THE
LIVING ROOM.
YOU FIND A LADDER, AND I'LL GET
THE BLOCK AND TACKLE.
MM-MM-MM.
[ PIANO KEYS CLANG ]
OW-W-W-W!
OW!
WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHAT YOU'RE
DOING?!
OH!
OH...
>> [ GRUNTING ]
[ PIANO KEYS CLANG ]
OW! AAAAAAAH!
AAH! OOH!
OOH.
AAAH!
[ RADIO POPS ]
[ HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ]
>> [ WHISTLES ]
HEY, OLLIE!
>> WHAT?
>> THERE'S SOMEBODY HOME.
>> ARE THEY UP THERE?
>> NO.
I HEARD HIM COMING UP THE
STAIRS.
>> YOU HEARD HIM COMING UP --
WHY, STUPID, THAT WAS ME!
>> THAT WAS YOU?
>> WHY, CERTAINLY.
>> WELL, HOW'D YOU GET IN THE
HOUSE?
>> WELL, I WAS STANDING ON THE
LADDER WHILE YOU WERE PULLING
THE PIANO UP, AND THE BLOCK AND
TACK--
GET BACK IN THERE!
THROW ME MY HAT!
HEARD HIM COMING UP THE STAIRS.
>> [ WHISTLES ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
WHAT IS IT NOW?
>> YOU GOT MY HAT.
>> HERE!
>> THROW ME MINE.
NOW GET BACK IN THAT HOUSE, AND
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE
OUT OF YOU.
OW-W-W-W-W!
OH!
[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]
UGH!
WHERE'D YOU GET THE HAT?
NOW LET'S GET THIS PIANO
DOWNSTAIRS!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
AAAAH!
[ PIANO KEYS CLANG ]
[ SIGHS ]
OH!
>> OH!
[ SMACK! ]
>> [ GRUNTING ]
GET THAT PIANO OUT OF THERE
WHILE I FIND A PLACE TO PUT IT.
I'LL GET IT OUT.
OW-W-W-W! OW! OW!
OW-W-W-W-W! OW!
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET THAT PIANO OUT OF THAT BOX!
OH! OH!
[ SIGHS ]
OW!
>> AAH!
>> WHAT WERE YOU DOING UP THERE?
>> I WAS TRYING TO PLUG IT IN.
>> THAT'S NOT THE PLACE TO PLUG
IT IN!
GIVE IT TO ME!
AAH!
>> AND IF I SEE 'EM, I'LL RUN
'EM IN.
>> THANK YOU, OFFICER!
[ UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> NOW LET'S GET THIS PLACE
CLEANED UP!
[ RHYTHMIC TAPPING ]
OH!
[ "DIXIE" PLAYS ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
>> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
>> DO YOU LIVE HERE?
>> DO I LIVE HERE?!
THIS IS MY HOME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
>> WHY, WE JUST DELIVERED YOUR
PIANO.
>> PIANO?!
PIANO?!
I HATE AND DETEST PIANOS!
THEY ARE MECHANICAL
BLUNDERBUSSES!
TAKE IT OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
COMMIT MURDER!
TAKE IT OUT! TAKE IT OUT!
TAKE IT OUT OF MY...
AAH! AAH!
OH!
THAT'S ENOUGH!
STOP!
WAIT A MINUTE!
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!
YOU WILL LISTEN!
I'LL SHOW YOU!
[ SCREAMING ]
[ "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYS ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
I'LL TEACH YOU TO BRING A PIANO
IN MY HOUSE!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
I'LL SHOW YOU!
PIANO IN MY HOUSE!
>> THEODORE!
>> I HATE PIANOS!
>> THEODORE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
>> WHY, THESE TWO BLUNDERING
IDIOTS DELIVERED A PIANO HERE BY
MISTAKE!
LOOK AT OUR HOME!
>> WHY, IT WASN'T A MISTAKE,
DARLING.
I BOUGHT THE PIANO TO SURPRISE
YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
[ CRIES ]
>> THERE, THERE, DEAR.
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD THIS HAPPEN
FOR A MILLION DOLLARS.
>> I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HATED
PIANOS?
>> WHAT, ME HATE PIANOS?
WHY, I'M NUTS ABOUT THEM!
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN.
WHAT CAN I DO TO SHOW YOU HOW
SORRY I AM?
>> JUST SIGN HERE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
SERVICE WITH A SMILE.
STANLEY, THE PEN.
>> WHY, YOU!
OUT OF MY HOUSE!
O-OUT OF MY HOUSE!