(mysterious music)
(futuristic music)
- [Narrator] What if I told you
there was a group of film makers
so provocative, so electrifying,
that anything they touched turns straight to gold?
Well they exist, and they go by the name FND Films.
Three boys from sweet home Chicago
with a combined 30 years of experience.
They do it all, writing, lighting, directing.
- Action.
- [Narrator] And audio.
With 300,000 subscribers world wide
it's no surprise they have amassed over 100,000,000 views.
But so what?
These guys aren't in it for the accolades,
they're in it to make good honest work,
and they're gonna do it for you,
for a reasonable price.
FND Films.
- [All Three] Please hire us.
(techno music)
(distant phone ringing)
(sighs)
- Wow.
- Wow, um, that seems very impressive.
- Well, we are 100 percent committed to
delivering the most exemplary product possible.
- Right, I understand that.
But guys, this is overkill.
- Overkill? If I may... (laughs)
Just point out there's plenty of Joe
and Jane Schmoes out there puttin' up content.
You know, not everyone is gonna give you art.
- Mm.
- Um, guys, this is my son's little league game.
- And it's gonna be the best damn little league game
you've ever seen, because it's one of our productions.
We're gonna mic up the umps, we're gonna
have drones circling the outfield.
- I mean imagine your son, Kevin,
steppin' up to that plate - [Cooper] Oh, yeah.
in crispy slow-mo, he's cranking on that bat!
Errrr! (mimics explosion)
- Boom, he knocks the leather off the ball,
the crowd's stands up, they're going wild!
- [Aaron] Ooh! - He hits third,
- [Aaron] Ooh, Kevin! - he's circling home,
We see it in a telephoto lens.
- You see the beads of sweat dripping
as he's running, he's chugging along,
he slides into home plate, his cleats are kicking up dirt,
the dust settles, the ump calls, and he's out!
"You're out, you little bitch!
"You disappointment!
"Dad's mad!" I'm sorry.
- Hey, he's passionate, he's passionate.
But you know what? So are we.
And guess what?
(dramatic music)
You're gonna get a Blu-ray DVD after the game.
- Ah, no.
I'm gonna have my other kid shoot it on a smart phone, okay.
The quality on these now-a-days, it's good enough.
All right?
- It shoots 1080p.
- Yeah, we're familiar.
- It also has slow-mo on it.
- Oh, did you go to film school?
- No, did you go to butt school?
- Ohh, very clever.
- That's hilarious.
- Hey, let me tell you something
about cinema, kid. - Mm-hm.
- Mise En Sc—
- [Brent] Did you?
- What?
- Did you go to butt school?
- No, I...
- All right guys, guys, guys.
I'm sorry, it's a no.
I appreciate your enthusiasm.
Good luck with your little films, and your company.
Coop, tell your mom I said hi.
(rock music)
- Yeah, yeah okay, okay, Brent.
- [Brent] Thank you.
- Thank you for your time.
- [Brent] Sure.
(rock music)
What does that even mean, butt school?
- Well I like to think it's school for butts.
- Okay, sure, but is a bunch of bare cheeks
walking around trying to higher their education?
- No, no, no, it's normal people learning about butt stuff.
- Guys, who cares?
Okay, we just lost a gig to a 12 year old girl.
We need to start looking for real jobs.
- Well I'm gonna take a real job
with Mary at the juice joint, so...
- Oh, and there goes the neighborhood.
You know what?
I'm gonna go out, and I'm gonna find work for us.
How 'bout that?
- Oh yeah?
And how you gonna pay bills 'til then?
'Cause you owe me 50 for electric.
- I'll take out another student loan.
- Oh, yeah, 'cause you don't have to pay those back, moron.
- Okay, all right, let's not be downers about this.
We don't need the negative energy right now.
Hey look at us, right, come on.
We're three young, super sexy, hot, dudes
taking charge, about to make this city our bitch.
Right? Come on!
- All right.
- All right, he's on board!
- Yeah.
- Let's fucking party, you guys, shit yeah.
(laughs)
- Let's party.
Yeah, but if you guys are only gonna
drink water, you're gonna have to go. (laughs)
(distant rock music)
(upbeat music)
♫ Don't fight me 'cause I'm on your side
♫ I'm on your side
♫ Just because I'm wrong doesn't make you right ♫
- Bye bye, have a nice day sweetie.
- Okay, so please make sure you vacuum today--
♫ Occupations outta sight outta time ♫
- Yes.
♫ Outta time ♫ (baby talk gibberish)
♫ One more chance for me to swallow my pride ♫
- Bye.
(upbeat music)
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Let's play ball.
Come on now.
♫ I can't sit still for too long
♫ Let's hurry up and leave
♫ This life is not for everyone.
♫ No kind of guarantee
♫ They say we're wasting our lives
♫ But you can sing with me like
♫ La la la, la la la la la
♫ La la la, la la la la la ♫
- Yeah, sorry. I don't have any work.
But pop in next week.
You know, you never know if a side job's gonna come up.
- I will, thanks OJ.
- How 'bout your movie stuff?
You make any money with that?
- No, man, it's dead.
We had to let it go.
- Well, coffee's on me.
- [Aaron] Thanks man.
- [Automated Voice] Are you still chewing food?
- [Female Customer] Damn it!
- [Automated Voice] Drink fluids, drink fluids.
- I don't want any more fluids, piece of shit!
- [Automated Voice] Are you still chewing food?
- Come on.
Oh man, it's okay, I know this thing looks stupid.
- No it's, uh, what is it?
- [Automated Voice] Drink fluids.
- It's a life fork.
- [Automated Voice] Keep chewing.
It's a fork that plugs right into your phone.
And it's supposed to help, like,
regulate your digestion patterns
and all this nutritional shit.
And you know what?
The software is all fucked up right now.
[Automated Voice] Chew food for 90 hours.
(laughs)
- Why don't you just return it?
(laughs)
- I wish.
I spent like $100 on one of those
crowd funding websites just to get it.
So, no refunds.
- Really.
How much money they make off of those?
- I don't know, like 150 grand.
- (gasps) 150.
OJ, you hear that, 150 grand?
- For a fork?
- It's this whole crowd funding craze.
Like truly, I get so swept up in stuff like that,
that I will throw any amount of money at anything stupid.
It's like any idiot with a turd
of an idea gets $100 of 'ol Dana's money.
God, I am fucking stupid.
(store music)
- So we crowd fund a feature film?
- Yes!
You guys, I don't know why we didn't think of this before.
Crowd funding is so hot right now.
This is our chance to do something
we love and get paid for it.
- The great white whale.
- Sounds better than working at the juice bar.
I'm barely making ends meet.
Oh my God. It's two bucks.
(sucks air through teeth)
I'm doin' it.
- You really think we can raise enough?
I mean a feature's pretty expensive.
- We totally can.
I was researching campaigns last night.
It's a gold mine on there.
People are raising money for all kinds of stuff.
This one guy raised $50,000 just to make potato salad.
- What?
- Holy shit, I love potato salad.
- I love it too, and guess what?
We ain't pitching no side dish.
This is a feature for the big screen.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
We can have a premier, okay.
We can invite all our friends.
- That's what I'm talkin' about, Vin, Vin?
- Yeah, I'm into it, but we don't even have an idea.
- We don't have an idea.
- That's the best part.
With crowd funding, you don't need an idea.
You just need blind passion.
That's what people are investing it.
As for the plot details, just tip-toe around that.
- Yeah, yeah, I like that, yeah.
Just tip-toe right around.
- Look at that tip-toe action.
- Details, tip-toe around it, tip-toe around it.
- Vin, Vin? - Huh, huh?
- Yeah, I'm into it.
- He's into it!
(laughing) - Yeah!
(laughing)
- Let's make a movie! - Woo! Wohoo! (laughs)
- Hey, I'm Aaron.
- I'm Vinny.
- And I'm Cooper.
- [All Three] We're FND Films.
- And we've got something to ask you.
- Can uh, we have some fuckin' money?
- That's right, Aaron.
We're not gonna sugar coat it.
It's simple, it's our first feature film,
and we need a little bit of help.
So what's this movie about, anyway?
- What is it?
- Well it's an action comedy
starring the three of us, - Mm-hm.
- With locations, dialog, - What?
- Characters, - Yeah?
- You ever heard of Mise en scene?
- Yeah.
- Well it's in there.
- Oh good, thank God.
- Yeah.
- We can't tell you much about the plot
because of major spoilers, but if you throw us some dough,
we'll tell you some mo'.
- And if you give us 100 bucks,
you can even be in the movie.
- So what are we gonna spend all this money on, anyways?
Well here's a pie chart, and that's got percentages on it,
so you have to believe us.
Look, we're gonna do this movie regardless,
and we would really, really, like your help.
So please.
- Please.
- Just give us some fuckin' money.
- Just give us a little fuckin' money.
- Give us your fuckin' money!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, Cooper.
- Ah! Give it! Give it to us!
(upbeat music)
- Is it too aggressive?
- I think I was screaming too much at the end.
I might have blown it. - It's fine.
- No, no, you guys, this is good.
I mean, we're being transparent.
That's what people like.
- That's true, that's true.
- [Coop] Okay, okay.
- Honestly, I don't know how you guys
are gonna make any money off of this.
It's really vague, and you guys seem so desperate.
But it's fun.
(funky rock music)
♫ Ooh ooh ooh
♫ Just give it a week
♫ I'm sure that you'll feel better
♫ Just give me those good things, good things, everything
♫ When I'm feelin' under weather
♫ Just give it a week
♫ I'm sure that you'll feel better
♫ Just give me those good things, good things, everything
♫ When I'm feelin' under weather ♫
- Whoa.
(laughs)
- Just soak it in, it's glorious.
- Looks like we're making a movie, boys.
Now we just gotta write the thing.
(laughs)
(sighs)
- Dude, that's the easy part.
We got, like, so many ideas, though.
- Yeah, yeah we do. - Yeah. (laughs)
So, so many.
(music slowing)
- I mean we got, like, some.
(dog whines)
Fuck, we have no ideas!
- Ok, this should not be this hard.
We've always wanted to write a feature.
- Yeah, yeah, you're right.
All right, first thing that comes to mind, go.
- Oh, uh, how 'bout the one with, I don't know!
- It's okay, hey, that's okay.
All right, tabula rasa.
Let's start with something else, genres.
- [Aaron] Yes, I like that.
- Cooper.
- Yeah, yeah, mumblecore is a genre.
- [Aaron] No, not really.
- Right, right.
- I got it!
Sci-fi film.
We're gonna do a sci-fi film.
It's about this alien, uh eh uh,
and he's also a, he's a pervert.
(silly music)
Uh, yeah, right?
He spends his days watching chicks from trees,
saying perv stuff like...
- Oh, yeah, get it goin'.
Love that, baby, take it off real slow.
(laughing)
Ah, who's this dork?
Wha, awe, get out of the way, mha.
- Peeping tom, eh?
- Oops, he saw me.
- [Vinny] Then he goes home, right?
And he can't stop talking dirty.
He's watching TV, and he's like.
- Oh, yeah, that's some nasty static.
- [Vinny] And he's talking to his lasagna.
- Mm, you're a dirty dinner.
- [Vinny] To himself in the mirror.
- Oh yeah, you're such a little slut.
No I'm not.
Yes you are.
I'm gonna fill me up.
(tonguing)
- Whatever, it's a start.
- That's not bad.
Hey, you know what we could do?
A love story.
We've never done one of those.
- Those things sell.
- Right?
Okay, we start on a artsy-fartsy, moody, musician.
He's up there, and he's playing his show.
He's like...
- I love you girl, and hate the government, blah.
- [Audience Member] You suck! (audience boos)
- [Aaron] So after his show, he's packing up his things.
He still sucks. (tires screech)
- [Man] You still suck! (thumping bass)
- [Woman] Kill yourself, loser. (tires screech)
- [Aaron] And this beautiful woman walks up to him.
And she's like...
- Oh, you strummed your way right into my heart.
- [Aaron] And he's like...
- Well that's 'cause I play from my heart, hergh.
- [Aaron] Then they're back at her place,
real romantic, candles and shit.
He leans in to kiss her, and she's like...
- No wait, I have a secret to tell you.
- What?
- I'm a demon.
- What?
- So bathe in my blood while I escort you to Hell!
(heavy metal music) (growling)
- No way!
(screaming)
- I'm sorry, that got real dark.
- No, no, no, no that's good, that's good.
Let's roll with that, okay.
Um, we could do a spooky movie.
(laughs) - Ooh.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It starts with uh, it starts with this girl,
and she's walking home, and she's all...
- Oh, a girl like me shouldn't be
walking the streets all alone.
- [Cooper] But she is, she's so alone.
Just then, she's approaching this
suspicious looking bush, and when
she passes it, there's no one there.
It's just a bush.
(mysterious music)
She goes home, her closet's kinda open.
It wasn't like that this morning.
(suspenseful music)
But then she remembers, oh yeah,
it was like that this morning.
There's a thump in the attic!
Is anyone there? Of course not!
For 90 minutes it's just her almost getting scared.
(creepy laughing)
(laughing)
It's freaky, right?
(sighs)
- These ideas suck.
- Writing is hard.
- Look, I'm just gonna say it, all right.
We're financially stressed,
and it's smothering our creativity.
(sighs)
- Yeah, do either of you have quarters?
I can't do my laundry.
- No, I just spent the last money
I stole from my wife, I'm out.
- Hey, I know what'll help this.
(upbeat music)
- Well, you are in luck.
Looks like the money deposited to
your account this morning, $77,900.
- Uh, so, so it's in there.
- [Bank Clerk] Correct.
- Right now.
- Yep.
(laughs)
- Yes. Yes! Woo!
Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right!
(sighs)
Sorry, um, I would like to have that.
So, to go, take it to go, the money.
- Oh, I would really advise against that.
That's an awful lot of money
for you to be walking around with.
- Yeah, maybe it's not the smartest thing.
I understand that, but, I mean,
it would just be super tight to have, like, in person.
So, just, can I have it?
- Uh, gotcha.
Um, let me go talk to my manager about that.
- Thank you.
(funky rock music)
Now it's a bit musty, but it should do.
- Are we sure it's safe down here?
- Oh yeah, no one comes down here.
- [Vinny] Except our landlord.
- Yeah, but she's about to die, so.
- Oh, okay.
- So, you boys wanna see it?
- [Both] Yeah.
- Me too. (giggles)
(heavenly music) - [All] Whoa.
- [Vinny] Look at all that bread.
- Awesome.
- Hands on the cheddar, boys.
(dramatic music)
Okay, just like we practiced.
- I, Cooper, - I, Vinny,
- [Aaron] I, Aaron,
- [All] Do solemnly swear to uphold this oath.
We are ready to be financially responsible
and commit our time to making a feature film.
But first, we do need to pay rent and shit,
so we'll each take a small cut for that.
And, maybe, also just a little bit extra to have fun with.
Because, let's be honest, we've been super stressed.
And shits sucked for a while,
so the money could help us relax.
And lastly, but not leastly, we are best bros, for reals.
Friendjamins before Benjamins.
This will not become another Facebook situation.
We are not Mark Zuckerberg, and we will not zuck each other.
- [Cooper] Off.
- [All] The end.
(sighs)
- That felt cool.
- Not bad, not bad. - Yeah. (laughs)
So what do you guys wanna do first?
- Isn't it obvious?
We make it rain.
♫ I love, I love
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ Unbelievable, unbelievable
♫ Do do-do do-do do (laughing)
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ Simply natural, simply natural
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ Unbelievable, unbelievable
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ Simply natural ♫
- Ha!
- No!
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ It's so magical, it's so magical
♫ I love, I love
♫ Do do-do do-do do
♫ It's so magical, it's so magical ♫
Marco.
- Limo.
(smooth jazz music)
- Marco.
- Limo - Limo
- Marco! (laughing)
Right in the mouth, man.
(laughing)
Hey, Aaron, how those drinks comin', buddy?
- Way over there.
- Uh, we'll see. I just, I don't know,
I mixed everything I could find.
(laughs)
- Suicide, let's get a taste.
- All right.
How 'bout a toast.
To good times, great friends...
- I love you.
- I love you to, and most importantly the money.
(laughing)
- Yeah! Love that money! (laughs)
- Hey, how 'bout uh, how 'bout that
movie we never made? (laughing)
How about that? - Nope, no, didn't do it.
- Nope.
(laughs) Hey, I mean, look at us.
We are living the movie right now.
- We're in it!
- Yep, yep. - [Cooper] We are the movie!
- [Vinny] This is a movie! - I got it framed up.
- What that?
- [Both] It's the movie!
- Yeah. (laughs)
- I'm in the movie too.
I'm in the movie too.
- Vin's in the movie.
- I'm in the movie too. (laughs)
- [Cooper] Vin's in the movie.
- I see the close up right there.
- Vinny's in the movie. - The movie.
- Supporting role.
- Still can win an Oscar though, still
can win an Oscar though - Not quite, not quite a lead.
Not quite a lead though.
Not quite a lead. - This is perfect.
- And the next scene is us at a bangin' party.
- Mm-hm.
- That we're throwin'.
- [Vinny] Mm-hm.
- And the booze is on the house.
- Ha ha, that's right.
(chokes)
- Oh, it's terrible.
- Well it looks like shit water.
(techno dance music)
♫ Lick my face, lick my hair, like my body everywhere
♫ Lick my fingers, lick my holes
♫ Licks that make me lose control
♫ Lick me once, lick me twice, lick me like a sacrifice
♫ Like my Jill, lick my Jack ♫
- Hey, Diane Keaton, is this your guys party?
- Yeah.
- Oh, super cool.
Hey this is my wife's friend, Chastain.
- Where's your coke room?
- The coat rooms over that way--
- No, no, no, buddy, buddy, buddy, coke room, coke room.
You know what, fuck it, we'll just do it
off that lady's stomach, okay?
- Oh, yeah, okay.
- Okay, bye bye, nice talking to you, all right?
- Bye, ciao, ciao.
(yelling)
- See ya.
- Who were they?
- I don't even know.
- Cool.
(techno dance music)
- [Emcee] And now your host for the evening,
Mister Cooper Johnson! (crowd cheers)
- All right, everyone, thanks for coming tonight.
We're gonna have ourselves a blast.
Free drink on me, let's go!
(crowd cheers)
Uh, well drinks, and drafts only, please.
Woo!
♫ Lick me crazy all of the days
♫ I need to show you... ♫
What's up?
- Cooper Johnson.
- Yep.
- I'm Angela West, nice moves up there.
- Ah, for sure.
- You seem to be doing awfully well for yourself.
Now, what firm are you with, GMB, PRA?
(techno dance music)
- I'm sorry, can I help you with something?
(laughs)
- I have a business venture, and I'm looking for go-getters.
I think you might be the perfect man to head it up.
- Ohh, you know a lot of people here say I'm all head.
- Ah, ha ha, do they?
- Yep.
- Not sure why.
I'm gonna give you my card, and when you're done
with your little party thing here, you're gonna call me.
- I will call you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You know what to do.
- Be on the look out. - Okay.
- Ring-a-ring ring.
♫ Licks, licks, licks, like my licks, licks ♫
- Hey, yo! Aaron Fronk.
What's up man?
I donated to your film.
- I'm sorry?
- Dude, I gave you 1000 bucks for your movie.
- Oh! Ah shit, duh, yeah.
- Yeah, dude, so um, what's it about?
Tell me about it, man.
- Uh, the movie! Uh...
No spoilers.
- Oh, come on, man.
I gave you 1000 bucks, just give me a little something.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, it's about this guy.
This guy, and, and uh, and he's got a problem.
(sighs)
(muffled techno dance music)
- Hey, why ya hidin'?
Come inside, we're about to pop bottles.
(sighs)
- No, I'm okay.
(sighs)
- What's goin' on?
- I think I'm gonna go home.
- What, why?
What, the party hasn't even started yet.
- I don't wanna be here anymore.
I am so sick of watching you spend your money
on stupid things and trying to impress your new friends.
- Well, okay, did you even take the time to meet them.
They're all super nice people.
- Damn girl, you a twerk god.
(moaning)
(muffled techno dance music)
(snorts)
- Okay, Vinny, maybe this money is
our opportunity to do what we wanna do.
Let's get out of the city.
- Yeah, that sounds great, let's go on a vacation.
- No, more than a vacation.
I need a cleanse, okay.
And I've been doing research.
There's this place, it's a self sustaining community.
And they all live off organic food
on this farm, it's called Papa Pete's.
- [Woman] Put your finger in my ass!
- [Man] Okay.
(moaning)
- Yeah, that sounds dope.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, that sounds like really, like,
awe man, I'm excited.
- That didn't even sound genuine.
- I am excited.
- Okay, Vinny, just do me a favor, and think about it.
(moaning) (muffled techno dance music)
- Ah, shit!
- Hey, hit me with a condom, G, real quick.
- No!
- [Man] Come on, man.
- No.
- [Man] Fuck you, then.
(giggling) (muffled techno dance music)
(relaxation music)
- What's wrong Aaron?
Are you not enjoying the Cave of Serenity?
(sighs)
- No, it's invigorating.
It's just, are you guys worried at all
that people might be on to us?
- Nah.
- I guess I'm just tired of lying to people
when they ask what the movie's about.
- What have you been telling them?
- That's it's a sci-fi film called Under Collapsed Stars.
(sighs)
- Dude, I told someone we were making a spaghetti western.
- Okay, damn it, we need to communicate.
- Fine, from here on out, we're making a spaghetti western.
- Well now that doesn't really matter, Vin.
Shit man, and I was already anxious about this.
Now I'm really freaked out.
(echoing) (mysterious music)
- Prom.
- What?
- We cut everyone in line at the prom
and beat them to the punch.
Then we spike that punch with a shit ton
of sleepy pills and put these concerns to bed.
(mysterious music)
- What are you talking about?
- We tell people we're not making a movie
before they find out we're not making a movie.
- And if people don't believe us?
- Of course they'll believe us.
We just have to tell everybody that
something terrible happened on set,
and there was a struggle for creative control.
You know, bull shit like that.
Blockbuster movies will million dollar budgets
and A-list actors fall apart all the time.
And eventually people just accept.
- And then they forget.
- Bingo.
(tense music)
- All right, not making movie update video, take one.
- [Cooper] Okay, okay.
Now get the boom up, Vinny.
And, talk.
- Hey everybody, so back in 2014 we asked
for your help in raising $75,000--
- [Cooper] Na-na-na cut, cut, cut.
- What was wrong with that?
- Um, it was good, it was really good, man.
I just think it might have been a bit too happy, okay.
And this isn't something you want people
thinking that we're happy about.
You know what I mean?
- Okay, right.
- Okay, so I need it to be a lot more sad,
and give me a ton more shame, right?
- Yeah, I mean I could...
Remind me again why I'm the only one doing this.
- Oh, well, I mean, we only wrote the script for one person,
and you have the best face for delivering bad news, so.
- It's true, you do.
- Great, so when everybody gets pissed
it's just gonna be at me.
- No, no, no one's gonna get pissed at you
because you are gonna deliver this with as much guilt
and genuine remorse as possible, right?
- Right.
- That's right, okay.
And guess what?
- What?
- You're letting a lot of people down, here.
And that's a good thing, right?
- Right?
- Okay.
- Okay, Vin?
- [Vinny] Still speeding.
- Still speeding, and you're the dude.
You are the dude.
Okay, from the top, here we go, and, talk.
- Hey everybody, back in 2014 we asked
for your help in raising $75,000 for our first feature film.
It was a success, we hit our goal and then some,
and we are so grateful to everybody who donated.
It means a lot to us.
Which is why I'm so sorry to announce that
due to complications and things beyond our control
the movie can no longer be completed.
Um, it just, we can't make it happen.
Um, we're very sorry.
We know a lot of people were really excited about this.
We were too, um...
(sighs)
I guess all we can ask is that, you know,
you stick with us for what we have planned in the future.
And again, we're so sorry.
(dramatic music)
- Lightning in a bottle.
(laughs)
- Yeah? Was that the one?
- All I'm saying is, is if I donated to the movie,
and then I saw this video, I'd be like, it's all good.
- Yeah. I think we got it.
- All right!
- Woo!
(dramatic music)
- What the fuck FND?
- This is a bunch of bullshit.
- Like what did you even do with all that money.
- Nothing, nothing, I got nothing for it.
- Honestly, FND, I do not know what to say.
- Where the fuck is this film?
Where the fuck is my money?
What the fuck are you even doing?
- I gave $100 to FND to make this damn movie.
- Like what's your mission statement
if that's the way that you're gonna treat people?
- What ever happened to like, $15 I'll take a T-shirt?
- You say, "No, close the door,
"end of the project, it's over."
- Now it's like $100 for a concept of a T-shirt.
- There's no movie?
Was there ever a fucking movie?
- I bet you didn't even think about the film.
- You're sick people.
- Fuck FND Films.
They're full of liars, they're pieces of shit, and fuck 'em,
especially Aaron fucking Fronk.
I see you, bitch. Fuck you.
- Yo, you think you're gonna take my paper
and you not gonna come out with no movie?
It don't work like that, homie.
Watch your back, watch your mother fuckin' back, son.
Now to continue with my review of the brand new
Star Wars X-Wings miniature Corellian Cruiser.
First off the colors is bananas.
- Coop! Cooper!
- [Cooper] What?
- Dude, people are really pissed.
Did you see how mad this guy is?
- [Cooper] Yeah.
- And what are these boxes?
- Welcome to Ground Zero, Vince.
Here lies the epicenter of my newest endeavor.
- [Vinny] Creams by Coo.
- Cremes by Coo.
It's a skin lotion company for ugly people.
- When did this happen?
- Well, I met this hunk of a woman at the party.
Her names Angela, possible future wife,
and she told me that she could triple
my investment in 3 weeks, dude.
- Ooh.
- Also, we're hiring entry level positions
at the end of the month, if you're interested.
- Eh, right, yeah, okay.
Dude, we need to focus on this, all right?
These people are mad at us.
What is, what are we supposed to say?
- Uh, (laughs) fuck 'em. (laughs)
- What?
- Come on, man, this is a good opportunity.
(phone vibrating)
(sighs)
- What's up, dude?
Whoa, whoa, Aaron, slow down.
- Look at the logo, it's got my name on it.
- Okay, yeah, we'll meet you there.
Jesus.
- Oh my God, so fucking good.
- I'm pretty worried, man.
Aaron sounded worried.
Should we be worried?
- Dude, oh my God, relax, all right.
It's Aaron, okay, he get's Aaronoid.
This is what he does.
In his mind shit's always going down.
(elevator music)
- Guys, shit is going down.
- See, what'd I say?
OJ, would you please throw a Xanax
in this guys coffee when he gets in here?
- Yeah.
- What, no.
- No?
- Really?
- I got' em.
- People are on to us, okay.
They know we are scamming them.
- The videos, did you see the videos?
- Yes-- - You guys are crazy.
All right?
It's not that serious.
- Oh, it's not that serious.
Hey, Vin, it's not that serious.
How 'bout the brick that came through my fuckin' window.
- [Vinny] Holy shit!
- [Cooper] Dang, you lied?
- We all lied!
I'm getting death threats, okay?
People are saying they wanna gut me.
What if it was some mobsters daughter that donated, okay?
- It was probably a bunch of kids, all right.
They're just being kids, it's what they do.
- [Aaron] What do you think, OJ.
- Maybe they meant to hit somebody else.
- Yeah, that’s true, yeah, you think?
- Oh, no, wait, it's got your name and address on it.
- Oh shit.
- Hey look, if you need any money I can get you some work.
- There's a bigger problem.
There's a much bigger problem.
- What?
(dramatic music)
- [Vinny] Damn, fuck.
Igby's dead.
- Yeah, it was a direct hit.
I think the brick killed him instantly.
- Well that's not so bad then.
- How?
- Oh, well, I mean, he was pretty much
three paws in the grave already, right?
You know with his cataracts he kept running into walls,
and then he had those weird little bumps on his back.
And then he has those hard little bumps in his throat.
He shit everywhere, he pissed everywhere,
he threw up everywhere.
Remember that time you found a whole
nest of spiders in his back?
- All right, we get it.
- Look, it doesn't matter.
Julie loves that dog more than she loves me.
If she finds him like that, I'm fuckin' dead.
- All right, chill.
Let's uh, figure this out.
I see a robbery, I think people broke in,
Igby scampered off.
- Yeah, that could work.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, th-tha-that works.
- No, his brittle little bones
would have exploded on the jump.
- Well then they took him!
- Why?
- Who cares, okay?
Just help me get rid of the body.
I'll figure it out later.
- Okay.
- Uh-Uh, I'm nut touching that thing.
- Why?
- I didn't touch it when he was alive,
I'm not touching him now, okay.
He's probably riddled with rabies.
- [Vinny] Dogs don't die and get rabies.
- Oh, I'm sorry, are you a veterinarian?
- All right, I got an idea.
(dramatic music)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, all right
- Towards the door.
- All right.
- All right, we got it, good.
Come on, hey, hey!
- [Cooper] Holy shit!
- That was you this time.
- I'm sorry, it just keeps touching me.
- Let's do this again.
(suspenseful music)
Did you hear that?
Did you guys?
(suspenseful music)
Oh shit, Julie's home.
(gasps)
All right, lock the door!
(suspenseful music)
Shit! Ah!
- Vin! Open the closet!
- All right, Someone's coming down the hallway.
(groans)
- Ha!
- Kick it in, come on kick it!
Get it in there.
(suspenseful music)
- Come one, Igby, get in there.
- Come on, get it in there.
- Jeez, seriously, man?
- God, I broke something.
- [Aaron] Kick it in!
- Oh shit.
- Just get it the fuck in there!
(groans)
(suspenseful music)
(muffled talking)
- Oh, it's just the neighbors.
(sighs) (laughs)
(laughing)
Oh shit.
(dramatic music)
- I'm sorry, man.
- Sorry about your dog, dude.
So, this whole thing is pretty messed up, man.
(dramatic music)
Hey, you know, let's do something.
Let's do something, let's have a,
let's have a funeral for Igby.
- No, it's fine.
You don't gotta do that.
- Uh, hold on, there's something to this.
We could do like um, like a memorial service, okay,
celebrating a fruitful life that Igby lived.
It'll be like a few friends, a couple drinks,
we'll send him off the right way, peacefully.
- Sounds weird.
- Nah, it'll be good.
(mellow music)
- [Cooper] And that's basically the bottom line.
I-i-i-i-it was my nephew. (laughing)
- [Woman] Oh, you are kidding me.
- Oh my.
- Are you k... (laughs)
- Hi, thank you for coming, remember Igby.
- Hey, have you talked to them yet?
- No, not really.
- Why not?
- I thought about it, and I think it
would be best if I stayed here for a while.
- Vinny, (sighs) we've talked about this.
Don't you want to walk barefoot through fields,
and take a juicy strawberry right off the vine?
- Uh...
- Don't you wanna make love under a Douglas fir.
- (sighs) Well yeah, duh, you know
I've always wanted to do that.
Ow, it's just his dog just got assassinated,
and I think...
Hi, thank you for coming, remember Igby.
We should wait until after this sacred occasion.
(laughs)
- Is this a sacred occasion,
or is this Cooper working an angle?
- Babe, no, how could you say that?
Cooper would never.
- With money enclosed, thank you so much.
Oh, yeah.
(laughs)
It's all for Igby.
Let's remember that. - [Woman] Igby, yeah.
- [Man] Take care. - Take care.
- [Woman] Okay, bye. - Peace be with you.
Fish in a barrel.
- I'm impressed, this is a good turn out.
- I know, thank you.
- It could be better.
- You're right, it's shit.
- It's a start, but I just think
we have the potential to build something great.
- Um, you um, you think we have uh potential.
- The company.
- Oh sure, the company.
- The company.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm, loud and clear.
Our company.
- Yep.
Let's cheers to it. - Sure.
- All right.
- Oh.
(mellow music)
(slurping) (gulping)
(people chatting)
- Oh, shit. Aaron, hey.
Aaron, hey, you're here way too early.
- What's going on, who are all these people?
- Uh, they're friends of Igby.
Hey, so let's take a walk.
Okay, let me tell you about this
trip that Mary and I are planning.
- What's this?
- You don't wanna read that.
- Why?
- Because you don't.
So, we're going to this organic farm.
And we'll eat right out of the dirt,
and the stars at night will be so bright.
- Did Cooper put you up to this?
Is this Cooper's idea?
- I'm not supposed to tell.
- Mm-hm, yes.
(mellow music) (people chatting)
- Uh, attention, attention please.
Just simmer down.
For those of you who don't know me,
my name is Cooper Johnson.
I'm the CEO of Cremes by Coo.
(room applauds)
Why on earth would makeup companies test
their products on beautiful creatures like this?
- They're monsters!
- You're damn right they are!
Little Igby here's a martyr for all animals.
Animals enslaved in the cosmetic industrial complex.
(sighs)
Now, at this point, I'm sure you're thinking
to yourselves, you know, how can I help.
What can I do to get involved.
Well, I have a solution, and it's only 29.99.
For every case of Cremes that you purchase today,
it's one less dead dog.
Think about that.
Little Igby really would've liked it.
(dramatic music)
Isn't that right cutie-pie, hm?
Hm? Oh you'd like that, would you?
(howling) (barking)
(kissing)
- [Guests] Awe.
- Whoa. (laughs)
Sorry, I got just a tad emotional.
I'm uh, vulnerability at it's finest.
Listen, we got a five drink minimum here,
so let's not let this damper our time.
Let's have a blast, okay.
Swag bags on the way out.
Don't forget those, okay.
Come on, let's have a good time.
(room applauds)
Look, I know this looks bad, but to be fair,
you weren't even supposed to be here for like four hours.
- Animal testing?
What's cream?
Okay, what the fuck is going on?
- All right, why don't you take all these negative emotions,
put 'em in a basket, and push it down the Nile, okay?
- Igby's decomposing in front of
a bunch of people I don't know.
Okay, it stinks out there.
- And Vin's taking care of it.
(mellow music)
- I don't know man, this doesn't feel right.
This is just low.
- Well, it'll start feeling good once
you see our return on investment.
(dramatic music)
- You just said our investment.
- I said what?
- Our investment. Coop.
- I don't think you should be freaking out about it.
- Do you know what I've fucking been through?
People are after me!
Where's my fucking money?
- I see you're stressed.
That's okay, we all get stressed.
Why don't you get in, give me a hug.
Oh! (groans)
(gasps) Oh, oh.
(dramatic music)
- Tell them now.
- We're leaving.
- Good, me too.
- Chicago, we're leaving Chicago.
We're gonna go live on an organic farm.
- Nice, good for you guys.
- Thank you.
- Thanks Coop.
- No! No thank you.
Cooper stole our money to put it
into his stupid company.
You know that?
- Well, yeah, we're all investing in Creme's by Coo.
That was the plan.
- What?
- And I thank you both for your support.
- Well, yeah, we don't need dirty old money
when we're living off the land, right Mary?
- I'm getting a drink.
(dramatic music)
- Well, get me one too.
I don't know what that was about.
But, I'm excited for my new life.
It's gonna be pretty great.
- Vin, I love you, but you're being used by everybody
around you, and you're too stupid to realize it.
- Ha! No, stay out of my head, Aaron.
I'm my own man, I choose to invest in Cremes.
I choose to eat dirt and walk through the strawberry fields,
and be organic and live life.
And you know what, another thing,
I'm gonna have sex in trees.
Yeah, jealous?
'Cause that's what I really like.
That's my choice.
- Are you reading from a cue card?
- Does it sound like I am?
- It doesn't sound natural is all.
- Fuck this.
(suspenseful music)
(gasps)
(suspenseful music)
(creepy music)
(heavy breathing)
Cooper!
(upbeat music)
(doorbell rings)
(door creaks)
- Yes?
- Hello, young lady, is your mother home?
(giggles)
- You're so sweet.
(laughs)
May I help you?
- No, but I'd like to help you.
(upbeat music)
(rubber stretching)
Very nice, and then the other side.
- Ooh, this one smells really good.
- Those are the hibiscus petals that you're smelling, Ruth.
It's part of our geisha blossom series.
Locally grown ingredients, soy based protein, very organic.
- It's starting to tingle.
- That means it's working, Ruth.
(laughs)
So, how many can I put you down for,
a baker's dozen to start?
- Oh, I don't think so, dear.
You see, I'm saving every penny
for my grandson's college fund.
- Totally fine, totally fine.
Don't wanna add any unwanted stress.
Pressure's bad for the skin.
- Mm-hm.
- You know that.
So I suppose I'll be just packin' my stuff up,
getting the heck outta here.
(soft band music)
Oh, who is this lovely lady?
- That's me as a young woman.
(sighs)
- May I?
- Oh, of course.
- My goodness, what a peach.
(chuckles)
You know, Ruth, wouldn't you like to go back to these days?
Kick your heals up, go to the ball, dance the night away?
- Well, that was a lifetime ago.
- What if I told you I could take you there?
That's right.
You see, Ruth, these aren't just ordinary creams.
These are Cremes by Coo.
They're a portal to the past.
Ruth, they're a time machine.
Now you know just as well as I do
that behind all these wrinkles and all this muck,
there's a beautiful girl itching to come out,
and I can take you there.
What do you say, Ruth?
(soft band music)
- I wanna be her.
- Great.
(upbeat music)
Rubbing it in there. (laughs)
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
(upbeat music drowns out speech)
If you could, uh, uh, remember a time.
(upbeat music drowns out speech)
I'm gonna stop talking.
Let's let the cream talk for itself.
(upbeat music)
I appreciate your business.
(upbeat music)
(dramatic music)
(suspenseful music)
(breathing heavily)
(phone vibrating)
(scary music)
(birds chirping)
(acoustic guitar music)
♫ Up on Papa Pete's farm
♫ Beautiful sunshine all day
♫ Bubbles in my face, up on Papa Pete's Farm
♫ I love the beautiful breeze
♫ I love the birds in my trees
♫ Bubbles in my face up on Papa Pete's Farm ♫
- Can you believe how beautiful this is?
- It's great. (sighs)
(bug buzzing)
- Hi, friends, you must be Mary.
- Debbie.
- Yeah, oh.
- Oh, oh my God, it's so beautiful here.
- I know, it's immaculate.
(laughs)
I'm sorry, where are my manners.
You haven't met Papa Pete yet.
Papa! He's comin'. (laughs)
- I'm comin', I’m comin’.
(laughs) (sighs)
Debbie what's that?
- What? (screams)
Stop it, he plays. (laughs)
- Well, who might these two be?
- Just a couple city kids tradin' in
their skyscrapers for pie scoopers.
- My my, you must be Mary.
You're even more stunning than in your picture.
- Oh.
- Picture?
(chiming music)
Hi, I'm Vinny.
- Whoa, (laughs) you snuck up on me.
- Me too. (laughs)
- This is my boyfriend.
- Oh, look at you.
Yeah, look at you.
(groans)
(laughs)
Should work on that balance, boy.
- A little bit. (laughs)
- Debbie, set this boy up with a
uniform and a sprayer please.
Now son, don't eat any of the fruits and vegetables.
You need to spray the crops five times daily.
And you're allowed two rations for the day.
- Oh, all right, yes, spray?
I thought the yield was organic?
- Oh, it is organic, um, that's vitamin juice.
It makes the plants happy.
- [Vinny] Oh, happy?
- What do I get to do?
- Oh, Mary, we're gonna have you work in
and around the house doin' some chores.
Debbie, here, will you get you set up inside.
(squeals) (laughs)
- [Debbie] Okay, cool.
(exciting laughing)
- Mary!
- What!
- See you tonight?
- Maybe.
- This way?
(distant singing)
All right!
(sighs)
(mysterious music)
Hi.
Huh, that's a little weird.
(dramatic music)
(laughing)
Hi.
I'm Vinny.
- You from the city?
- Yeah. I've Vinny.
- I'm 17.
- You look a lot older.
- See you around.
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
(counter top squeaking)
- No, he's stalling.
Yeah, all right, I'll meet you in 30 minutes.
- You don't eat much, do ya?
Must be why you stay so fit.
- I, uh, do a lot of take out.
- Ooh, now you're talkin' my language.
I'm a Greek guy myself.
You know a lot of people call it gyro,
when in fact it's pronounced guyro. (laughs)
Big weakness of mine.
Have you ever put tzatziki sauce on it, the white shit?
It's fucking delicious.
- All right, stop.
Stop, ooh, you're making me so hungry.
I enjoy Greek food, as well.
- Good, good, good to know.
Because I know of a little place
down the street where the assistant manager
owes me a favor if you wanted to do a little--
- Did you happen to bring that paperwork?
- Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Um, yeah, business, business, there you go.
- Yes, thank you.
- Okay, there you'll find bank statements,
tax ID numbers, and you'll see my signature at the top
in case you need to scan that in
for any purpose, you can use it wherever.
(door creaks)
- Okay, this is a two bed, two bath,
with new hardwood throughout.
Hi, uh, who are you?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I was just finishing up a showing.
- Um, this is my property.
- I thought this was your place.
(dramatic place)
- My listing.
- Um, it's my listing.
(dramatic music)
- And you're a realtor.
(sighs)
- Just on the side, okay, let's go.
- It makes so much sense. (laughs)
- Yes, yes, thank you for leaving.
(clears throat)
(laughs)
- Look, Angela West is gonna nab this sale.
So I'd raise the white flag right now, sweetheart.
And do it fast.
(dramatic music)
Lot's of rats in here, guys.
Lot's of rats.
(dramatic music)
- That's not true.
(country music)
- [41 & 38] Hey!
- [41] Slow down there, city slicker.
- Where you off to so fast?
- I was just gonna go and talk with my girlfriend.
(laughs)
- And how are you gonna do that?
- Just go to the house and talk to her.
- Oh, well you have to talk to Papa first.
And only we can talk to Papa, 'cause he's our papa.
- All right, all right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm new here.
(snorts)
(laughing)
- [38] I held it held it for so long.
(laughing)
- Dude, we're just kidding.
- Oh, oh yeah.
- We like you, we really do.
- We really like you.
- Hey, you guys seem cool too.
- Hey, oh my God.
We should suit swap!
- [41] Suit swap!
- [Both] Suit swap! Suit swap! Suit swap!
- Suit swap.
- What's suit swap.
- Well, it's where I take my suit off,
and you take yours, and I take yours,
and you take mine.
Suit swap.
- Yours is all, like, worn out and gross.
- Mm, okay.
- [41] See ya.
- [38] Bye.
- [41] Let's go to Papa.
- [38] I’m the suit swap king of the world.
(laughs)
(country music)
(dramatic music)
- Aaron, what's up?
- Hey, what's up, buddy?
- You okay?
- Yeah, man, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
- Want any coffee, or something to eat, or anything?
- Nope, I'm good, I'm good.
- All right, just checkin'.
- Hey OJ, uh, hey remember um, oh, a little while ago,
when you told me that there would be some extra cash,
you know, maybe a little extra money comin' in.
Uh, well, I totally don't need it, and uh, I'm totally fine.
But in case, like, you know, anything comes up, like,
throw it my way, that'd be cool.
You know what, fuck it, I don't even know why
I even said anything, I don't need it, I'm good.
(dramatic music)
- We're always lookin' for guys, if you need work.
- Yeah?
- You drive a van?
- Oh, dude, absolutely?
- 1000 bucks.
- 1000 bucks?
- That's what you get, yeah, yeah.
- 1000...
- Let me write down this address.
- Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There's a warehouse.
You're to meet me here, you're gonna pick up some stuff,
and then you're gonna deliver here.
(dramatic music)
Okay?
- That's it?
- That's it.
- 1000 bucks?
- Yeah, I know you don't need it, but you know.
- Yeah, right, I don't, I don't.
Thank you.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- I'm good, man.
I'm good now, thank you.
- Wanna eat?
- Nope.
- I don't think coffee's helping.
(mellow music)
(people singing)
♫ Papa, Papa, Papa ♫
- This way now, Papa.
(laughing)
Mary, why don't you go get us some more firewood.
- Oh, okay, yeah, anything for you.
(sighs)
- Isn't she wonderful? - [Girls] Bye, Mary.
- [Girls] Miss you.
Come back to us. - Oh, you feel that?
That's her energy when she leaves.
- Oh my gosh, it's so warm.
♫ Papa ♫
- [Papa Pete] I'm gonna get you.
- No, Papa.
- [Papa Pete] Oh my God...
- [Vinny] Hey, you lost?
- Jesus.
- I've got some wood for ya.
- Vinny, what are you doing?
It's past your curfew.
- Curfew, what are you talking about?
(sighs)
- I'm sorry, I just don't wanna upset Papa.
We're new here.
- I know, it's just, like damn, girl.
Just been thinking about you, like all day.
You look real cute in this, uh, what you call this?
Seriously, what is it?
(laughs)
- Oh, you know it's like Papa says.
All sister's are cut from the same cloth.
- Is that what he says?
- Yeah, he says lots of great things.
- Oh, I bet he's just full of it.
- Well, I gotta get going.
- Whoa, hold-hold on, just hang on a second there.
Where you runnin' off to so fast?
You know, I just wanted to reiterate
that I'm so happy that we came up here together,
and just wanna remind you that I love you--
- Mary! What are you doin' cuttin' down the whole tree?
(laughing)
- Oh I get it, a joke! (laughs) (Papa Pete singing)
(sighs)
- I gotta get going.
I'll see you later, though.
- Yeah, um, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah.
(distant laughing)
- [Papa Pete] She returns!
Oh my goodness!
(elated murmuring) (dramatic music)
(sinister music) - [Girls] Papa! Papa!
(sighs)
(dramatic music)
(techno music)
- [Actor Voiceover] If you look ugly, you are ugly.
Be beautiful,
- with Cremes by Coo.
Cremes by Coo.
(woman moaning)
- And cut it.
(bell rings)
Perfect, perfect. (laughs)
Yes, you stallion, you.
I wanna do one more, okay?
- This lotion's burning my face.
- Yeah, uh, that means it's working, okay.
All right, I want you to do some
more curls before this next take.
Have you been doin' 'em?
- Yeah, plenty.
- All right, well, let's do some more.
This is Andy.
I want you to curl Andy, okay.
Let's see those veins pop.
- This enough?
- Go for gold.
- Coo, you're attorney's calling again.
- Michael, not now.
- I know, I keep tellin' him.
- Here he is, everything's looking great.
- Awe, Ang, things are burnin', things are turnin',
and I owe it all to you.
- Oh stop. (laughs)
Now, I just wanted to stop by to let you know
I'm gonna be out of the country for a few days, business.
- Oh, out of the cou...
You cannot do that right now.
We just got a new office space,
Cremes by Coo sales are-- Coo, he insists on speaking.
- Michael, not now!
- Hey Coo, you got this, all right.
Now I need to get my foot in the international door.
- Overseas.
- Yeah.
- Corner the foreign market.
Smart, smart.
- Yeah, see you always did see the bigger picture.
(laughs)
- Well, I don't know, I like me and you, we have this...
- Connection? I know. - I know.
- I know, what did we talk about?
- Boundaries.
- Yep, okay, so I'm gonna run.
But hey, everything you're doing is great.
Just keep it up.
- Oh my God, thank you so much.
- You're welcome. - All right. (laughs)
Adios chica.
- [Angela] I am not Spanish.
- Well. (laughs)
What the hell are we doing standing around for?
Mist and run, off the set, let's go!
Oliver, you're a beautiful beast.
And, act in the commercial.
(distant sirens)
(creepy music)
- OJ.
- Aaron, you're early.
(laughs)
- That's a lot of sandwiches.
- Yeah, it's uh, it's for the construction site.
It's lunch for the guys.
- Oh.
- You hungry?
- Um, yeah?
- Yeah, go ahead, open it.
- Right now?
- Yeah.
See, it's a sandwich.
- Um.
- It's the top of the sandwiches,
and all those boxes are sandwiches.
That was one that fell out of the box.
I saved it for you.
- Cool, cool, um.
- Hey, don't fuck this up.
These people are waiting, for their lunch.
- They're premium cuts.
Best hoagies in town.
(creepy music)
- Bring back the truck tonight, and you get paid.
- You can count on me.
All you guys can count on me.
- Good.
Can you go outside for a little bit,
then come back in?
- [Aaron] Right now?
- Yeah.
- All right, yeah, yeah.
(creepy music)
(tribal music)
- Hey. Hey, 22.
22, come here.
Hey, what's up, hey, hey.
Check this out.
I got us a little extra crumb cake. (laughs)
Yeah, snuck that out the other night.
(sighs)
Oh, catch.
Wanna play catch?
Yeah, back up some, back up.
Yeah.
Almost, pick it up, and throw it
back to me like how I did to you.
(dramatic music)
Fantastic, you're a natural.
(laughs weakly)
(groans)
Go long. (laughs)
Hey! Touchdown.
(laughs)
(labored breathing)
(groans)
(dramatic music)
(mysterious music)
(turn signal clicking)
(mysterious music)
- So is that a five or an S?
- [OJ] It's a number five, come on.
- Oh, man, really?
I'm gonna have to ask for directions.
I don't know where I am.
- [OJ] Aaron, listen to me.
These people are really hungry.
- Well, look, just tell the guys to have a snack.
(loud thump)
Oh shit, I hit a pothole.
- [OJ] Wait, what?
- I gotta turn around, the hoagies are everywhere.
- [OJ] No, no, do not turn around, keep going.
- No, I'm just gonna pull into an alley.
- [OJ] Aaron, no!
- No, I'll call you back, I'm gonna pull over.
- [OJ] No, wait.
- Don't worry about it.
- [OJ] Do not hang up!
Shit.
(suspenseful music)
(sighs)
Shit.
God damn it.
(scary music)
Oh! Oh!
(suspenseful music)
Oh shit.
(suspenseful music)
Oh shit!
(suspenseful music)
Oh no no no no no.
(suspenseful music)
It's coke!
(suspenseful music)
(phone vibrating)
- [Automated Voice] One new voice-mail.
- [OJ] Aaron, it's OJ, buddy.
Uh, I'm guessing you looked in the back of the van
and you know what's up now, so.
Unfortunately, things have to end,
between us and between you and everybody else.
So, get back to me, or I'll find ya.
Okay, bye.
(car horn honking)
(heavy breathing)
(upbeat music)
- Aaron Fronk, hey man, so good to see you.
Hey, listen, did you get any of my emails?
- Uh, hey, it's good to see you too.
- Hey, is it true y-you guys
aren't gonna make the film anymore.
What's up with that?
- Now's not the best time.
I gotta go.
- No, no, listen to me, okay?
You're special to me, and your film is special,
and I gave you money, and you gotta show me something.
- Get out of my way!
(dramatic music)
- I donated to your film, man!
You can't leave me hangin' like this.
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
(phones ringing)
(upbeat music)
- Uh, excuse me?
I'm looking for Cooper Johnson.
- Uh, Mister Johnson is busy for the next two years.
- What, two years? That's absur...
Well, I see him right there.
He's literally doing nothing.
(sighs)
- All right, the truth is,
he's in a pouty mood today, so please don't go in.
Dang it. (groans)
- [Aaron] Cooper!
- Mr. Johnson, I tried to stop him,
but he sprinted right past me.
I'm sorry, and I hope you still
value me as a member of this team.
- It's okay, Michael.
It's okay, I got this.
(sighs)
Aaron, what's up, man?
You like the new digs?
Can I offer you a e-cigarette?
- Uh, no, no.
When did all this happen?
- Well, when you were too busy hiding in your stink-hole,
I was here building my creme-pire, from scratch.
- Jesus, so it all worked out, I mean...
I mean, wow, I always knew it would work out.
But, wow, man, it worked out!
- Yeah, we're probably going international soon,
gonna take over the Asian market.
So, cha-ching-chong.
(laughs)
- So you're just, like, rollin' in the dough.
This could solve everything, Coop.
- Solve?
- Yeah, look, look, I need some help, okay.
I think $50,000 would cut me loose
with the shit I'm tied up with OJ, okay.
Well, maybe a little more, now that I think about it,
to temper some of the angry fans
we got invested in the film.
But after that we are good, okay.
I think we can save this.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Yeah, dude, let's do it, come on.
- Okay, yes.
Okay, and we should do big bills.
Big bills the better, hundreds.
- Big bills.
- I'm talking crispy, crispy $100 dollar bills.
- Oh, only the crispiest for you, my man.
- You got it here?
- [Cooper] (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
- You got the, you got the money here?
- I do, yes. (laughs)
- You're not, and you're not gonna give it to me, are you?
- No. (laughs)
- But you zucked me!
- No, I gave you an opportunity,
and you pissed it down the drain.
(dramatic music)
Now look at you, coming in here begging
on all hands and knees like little orphan Aaron.
"Oh, oh, please sir, Mister Coo,
"oh, can I please have a suckle of your teat.
"Ooh, I need milk to survive."
No, you cannot.
This teat milk is not for you.
And you'll never get any.
You're pathetic.
- Michael. - Yes, Mister Johnson.
(dramatic music)
- Michael, Mister Fronk is leaving.
Please call security.
- What, are you fucking kidding me right now?
I have the most illegal van in America
parked in the parking lot right now.
There could be a god damned suitcase nuke
in there for all I know.
- Then get it off my property.
I don't need you blowing my creme all over the city.
- Get off of me.
Shit. Ah!
(dramatic music)
- Beautiful hits, Andy, one two three.
- Ow. Okay.
- Aaron wait.
Look, if you're really that hard up for cash,
why don't you take your whiny plea to Vinny.
He followed Mary's dream, and now they own an organic farm.
(dramatic music)
I wonder where you went wrong.
Okay, one more.
(dramatic music)
- [Vinny] Cooper, how are things going?
My life is great.
I totally didn't make a mistake by coming here.
Peace, love, sunshine.
56, Vinny.
(dramatic music)
(suspenseful music)
(growling) (suspenseful music)
(growling)
- Ma'am?
(growling)
What the fuck?
(growling)
Are you, are you okay?
Hello?
Ma'am.
(echoing gibberish)
I can help.
(squeals)
(creepy music)
- Oh, Coo, thank you for taking me
around the world on your creme ship.
Oh, it's my pleasure, there.
I'm just trying to help a little--
- Mister Johnson?
- Yes, Jacob, yes, hello Jacob.
I was strategizing.
- I, uh, wanted you to know that
everyone's leaving because their checks are bouncing.
- Uh, w-w-what are talking, I thought
things were on the up and up.
- Yeah, until a large transfer was made
to your offshore account this afternoon.
- Offshore account, Michael where's my offshore account?
- I have no idea.
- Well, would you get Angela on the phone, please.
Let's figure it out.
- I'll look into it right away.
- I wanna see that money on shore, okay.
Is that how it works?
- I also came to tell you that I'm leaving too, so.
- Well I expected that outta you, Jacob.
No one's gonna miss you, Jacob!
No one's gonna miss Jacob!
Except for me!
- Coo, we have a bigger problem, there's news vans outside.
- I'm busy.
- Coo, with all due respect, you gotta tackle this head on.
I'll go out there with you, and we
can do it together, how 'bout that?
- No, Michael, I couldn't ask that of you.
- Good, 'cause I didn't wanna do it anyway.
- What?
- I'm leaving too.
(dramatic music)
(mysterious music)
- [Ghostly Voice] Papa's coming.
(echoing whispers)
(mysterious music)
(sighs)
- Vin.
(groans)
What the hell's wrong, are you starving?
- Yes.
- All right, get up, we have to go.
(sighs)
- You're gonna have to carry me.
- Hey, I drove four fuckin' hours
to deal with this shit, okay, let's go.
- Carry me.
- [38 & 41] There, there he is!
There he is! There he is!
- [41] I told you.
- [38] I told you second.
- [41] I told you.
- Hey, boy, lookin' for an honest day's work?
- Uh, no thank you, just here grabbin' my friend.
(groans)
- Raisin' the white flag already, 56!
(laughing)
- Don't listen to him, come on.
- Almost made it what, a week,
before your boyfriend came to save you?
(laughing)
- I was the best worker you had!
- No, not by a long shot.
- I gave you everything!
I gave you everything. (groans)
I'll show you!
Ah! Ah!
- Whoa, don't breath that shit!
(dramatic music)
Way to be your own man, 56!
(laughing) (Vinny screaming)
- [Vinny] Put me down! Put me down!
Put me down!
(dramatic music)
22! 22, where are you?
Let me go to my son! (groans)
Fuck you! (groans)
No! No! (groans)
22! 22!
(birds chirping)
(suspenseful music) (phone ringing)
- [Angela] This is Angela West.
I'm out of the office.
If you're calling about Cremes by Coo,
please redirect your call to Cooper Johnson.
Thank you. (beep)
- Angela, hey.
Uh, third time calling.
Uh, sort of in the weeds over here.
Did you know that the creme is totally
burning people's faces, 'cause that's a thing right now.
So please don't touch it if you're anywhere near it.
Also, the office building's kind of tanking.
I had to fire Michael, things got a little hazy.
But we are in a bit of a pickle,
so if you could please get back
to me at your earliest convenience,
I'd greatly appreciate that, okay.
Thank you so much, I love, er, thank you, and call me back.
Um, thanks.
(dramatic music)
(moaning)
(distant news report on TV)
- So can I get you boys anything else, like dessert?
We have dessert crepes or a scoop of pie.
- No thank you.
- How 'bout some of that chocolate mousse?
Doesn't that sound yum?
- We're good.
- Maybe I wanted some dessert.
- You just polished off two omelettes, you're fine.
We should be headin' out.
- Don't tell me I'm fine, 'cause I'm not.
(sighs)
- Tanya, can we get the check?
- No Tanya, I want the mousse.
- Why you doin' this?
- 'Cause I want the mousse, Aaron.
- No, you're trying to be a hot shot
and get all the attention.
- Don't, (sighs) okay, don't treat me like a child.
- Stop acting like an idiot.
- Fuck you!
- Fuck you, we're leaving.
- Eh ew uh ho-o-o-ooh. - Ho uh-ho ho ho uh-ho ho.
(groans)
(heavy breathing)
(growls)
- So, you want it or not?
- Yes, Tanya, give me some of that gee-dang mousse, please.
And in fact, round of mousse for everyone, on me!
Ho ho, man!
This guy knows what I'm freaking talking about!
- Huh, damn right.
- You get some mousse, and you get some mousse,
and you get some mousse!
Mm some of that sweet sweet mousse for everybody, yeah!
Oh that's liberating! - Oh my God.
- Lotion company Cremes by Coo
is facing a class action lawsuit.
You may recognize their latest ad played on television.
- [Vinny] Mm, it's gonna be so good.
We're gonna eat it. - Vin.
- [Vinny] And then we're gonna talk about it.
- Vin!
- What?
- Uh...
- Oh!
- With Cremes by Coo.
- Cremes by Coo is led by CEO Cooper Johnson.
The class action lawsuit examines bold claims
about it's companies age reversing miracle product.
Sara Telson alerted the FDA after her grandmother
suffered skin burns and severe hallucinations.
- Dude.
- [News Anchor] Mister Johnson
continues to deny allegations.
Court proceedings are expected to begin next week.
- No, no refunds. (laughs)
Come on, Andy, move it!
- We'll now send it over to Hurt Dribble for traffic.
- Oh shit, shit!
We gotta get back to the city, man.
This is bad.
- Ah, screw him, he's a corporate pig.
(groans) - Hey.
Cooper's the only one left with any money to fix this.
If he gets locked up, we're fucked.
- Okay.
(suspenseful music)
(sighs)
- Mother fuckers.
(dramatic music) (people moaning)
- Well, there goes our security deposit.
- Let's pull around back.
- Damn it, Cooper.
- Cooper! Coop, where's the money?
Hey, hey, where's the money?
- It's gone. (laughs)
Yep, it was all for show.
I spent it all on the God damn creme.
Oh, Angela zucked me, (laughs) she zucked me good.
And now we're more fucked than we were before. (laughs)
Who wants to help me bar the doors?
- What, from who?
Who are these people, Cooper?
Why is there an angry mob outside our house?
What did you do?
- It wasn't me, all right.
It was the creme, it's poison,
it's making my customers delusional.
And would you please help me bar the doors?
(pounding on door)
They followed you to the back?
- I locked it, it's fine.
- Ah!
(screams)
(suspenseful music) (people moaning)
- [Cooper] Shit! Grab a weapon!
Oh, battle stations!
- Maybe we can reason with them.
(screams)
- Oh shit!
(growling)
(groans)
- Ah! Oh, oh.
(groans)
(screams)
- Oh! (groans)
(screaming)
(groans)
Oh, I can feel his brain.
(gags)
I can feel his brain.
Oh.
(suspenseful music)
(groans)
(screams)
- Aaron, check the front!
(suspenseful music)
- They found me.
(screams)
(loud punching) (groans)
- The coast is clear, let's make a run for it!
(groans)
(heavy breathing)
- Sorry, Aaron.
- OJ, let's talk about this.
Hey, it was a, it's a mix up.
It was an accident.
- I gotta, it's just what I do.
(suspenseful music)
- No!
(groans)
(distant car alarm)
(groans)
- You guys!
(coughs) (groans)
- I'm alive, oh, I'm alive, guh.
- Who the fuck was that kid?
- That's my son, 22.
He's a real American hero.
He must've stowed away back at the farm
and escaped with his dad to the city.
My son saved us. (sighs)
(dramatic music) (distant siren)
- Dude, what did they do to you on that farm?
That's all bullshit.
- I think I hear the cops.
We should get going.
- Oh shit, someone give me a hand getting up.
- Here you go.
(all laughing)
- [Cooper] Who's hand is that.
- Investigators in Chicago
have ended their search for Aaron Fronk,
Cooper Johnson, and Vincent DeGaetano.
They were last seen four months ago in their apartment
before it was engulfed in flames from an explosion
and are presumed to be dead.
- Do you see this story?
Some young punks probably all doped up on drugs,
stole a bunch of money, then blew themselves to high hell.
- Kids these days, always high.
- Yep, that's why always come prepared.
- Fuckin' A.
- Gun in bar, great idea.
- Fuckin' bad ass, right?
(laughs)
Fuck those fuckin' kids, man.
(laughs)
- Yo, man, the disguises work.
- What disguises?
My name is Brian King, and I work
at the laundromat down the street.
- That's good, that's really good.
- Thanks, man.
(sighs)
- Sorry, the ladies room was full.
Okay, so I think I got it.
My name is Vivienne St Claire, widower of a steel tycoon,
who works part time at Chipotle.
- [Cooper] Oh, that's good.
- Wow, you guys have, like, character back stories.
Like, I don't have any of that.
- Well what do you got?
- Uh...
Okay yeah, um...
I'm Schmidt.
- Schmidt what?
- I-I don't, that's all, that's as far as I've gotten.
- Okay.
- Okay, it's a start.
You gotta start somewhere.
You got your whole life to figure it out.
You'll get it.
- Hi folks, what'll it be?
- Tots and some ribs.
(sighs)
- I'll have a bowl of lettuce and a steak.
(sighs)
- Heck with it, I'm gonna do four
pot pies and a gravy boat please.
- I'll get that ready for you right now.
- [Cooper] Thank you, sweetheart.
- I gotta see something!
I don't care if they're dead.
I mean, I gave 'em 1000 bucks, come on.
- I can't believe we're dead.
This really sucks.
- Yeah, it's kinda like we're in
this weird purgatory thing, right.
But in Tulsa.
- Man, we are idiots.
I mean, really, we're idiots.
We had $75,000.
We should've just made a movie, right?
Instead we just blew it on stupid shit.
And now look at us, we look like dumb asses.
We had the money, we could've just made a movie.
Something that people would’ve sat down and watched
with their friends and family,
and then criticized later on the internet.
Right?
I mean we could've made something.
(dramatic music)
- I don't know, man, that's like a lot of work.
(laughs)
- Yeah, movies are hard.
(upbeat rock music)
- Are you fucking kidding me!
- Fuck you guys.
- You're a disgrace to the city of Chicago.
- Where the fuck is it?
Where the fuck's the movie?
- They basically aren't doing the film
and can't refund any of us.
- We got scammed by FND.
- They stole my fucking money!
- Two years, no updates.
- Then you went and fucking lied to me!
- I have to sue you.
- Where'd you go, FND?
- Did you just take my money and leave with it?
- $75,000.
- You can't even fucking give it back?
- You're fuckin' dead to me.
- Very pissed off.
- Fuck you, Cooper.
- Fuck these guys.
- I hope you all choke on my money.
- I want my fucking money back, Aaron.
- You stupid little jerk offs.
- I hope it was worth it.
- You're dead to me, FND, that's how it goes.
- How could you do this to us, to us?
- 'Cause I was a big supporter of you guys.
- I followed you guys for almost ten years.
- I'm very, very, disappointed in you guys.
- So y'all better give me back
my God damn money or somethin'.
- I got some legs to break, okay.
I'll see you guys next time.
(upbeat rock music)