[Man] One, two. Two, two.
♪♪ [Piano]
[Women Harmonizing] ♪ So please you, sir, we much regret ♪
♪ If we have failed in etiquette ♪
♪ Towards a man of rank so high We shall know better by and by ♪
[Woman, Solo] ♪ But youth, of course, must have its fling ♪
♪ So pardon us So pardon us ♪
[Woman #2, Solo] ♪ And don't in girlhood's happy spring ♪
♪ Be hard on us Be hard on us ♪
♪ If we're inclined to dance and sing Tra-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[Women Harmonizing] ♪ But youth, of course must have its fling, so pardon us ♪
♪ And don't in girlhood's happy spring be hard on us ♪
♪ But youth of course must have its fling, so pardon us ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪♪
- [Clock Chiming] - [Gasps]
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- [Man] Sir Arthur, what are you doing? - I'm going to the theater, Louis.
- No. It is not possible. - I have no choice.
- You must get back - - Louis!
- Hot coffee. Very strong, please. - D'accord.
[Groans]
- Louis. - Don't move.
- Schnell! - Please.
Clothilde, encore du café. Vite.
- Sir Arthur, la tasse, s'il vous plaît. - D'accord.
- Bonne chance, Sir Arthur. - Merci.
[Speaking German]
Louis - [German]
I'll be fine. Now go and fetch the cab.
[Hoofbeats Clopping]
- Manton. - Good evening, sir.
- [Woman] Arthur! - Good God, Arthur. Is this entirely wise?
- No, it's entirely foolish, Frank. - Do you intend to go on?
I certainly do, Helen. I've never missed one yet.
- Very well. I'll let everybody know. - Here. Take a drink.
Thank you.
- Oh, that's better, Frank. Thank you. - Your gloves, sir.
Very good, Louis. [Groans]
This is a surprise, sir.
[Chuckles, Grunts]
[Cheering]
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪♪ [Chorus Singing]
- Permission, Mr. Cook? - Permission, Shrimp.
- [Man] Come. - Four minutes, Mr. Grossmith.
♪♪ [Continues]
♪ If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am ♪
♪ I'm a genuine philanthropist All other kinds are sham ♪
♪ Each little fault of temper and each social defect ♪
♪ In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct ♪
♪ To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes ♪
♪ And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ♪
♪ I love my fellow creatures I do all the good I can ♪
♪ Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ♪
♪ And I can't think why ♪
♪ I'm sure I'm no ascetic I'm as pleasant as can be ♪
♪ You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee ♪
♪ I've an irritating chuckle I've a celebrated sneer ♪
♪ I've an entertaining snigger I've a fascinating leer ♪
♪ To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ♪
♪ I can tell a woman's age in half a minute, and I do ♪
♪ But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can ♪
♪ Yet everybody says I am a disagreeable man ♪
♪ And I can't think why ♪
[Chorus] ♪ He can't think why ♪
- ♪ I can't think why ♪ - ♪ He can't think why ♪♪
- ♪♪ [Orchestra Continues] - Monsieur. [Chuckles]
Bonsoir.
You're going to have a definite success, sir.
- Merci. - Au revoir.
What do you expect me to do, kiss the carpenters?
[Man] Arthur!
[Louis] Get him up. Please, sir.
- Let's get him up. Come on, Sir Arthur. - [Grunts]
Arthur, take some brandy.
- What happened? What happened? - One moment. He will be fine.
- [Coughs] - Is Dr. Lynch in the house?
Listen to this. Today's Times.
"Princess Ida will probably run for a year...
keeping the Savoy treasury agreeably replete all the while.
All London will flock to hear it.
So will our provincial and American cousins and Continental visitors.
Copies of its words and music will be sold by tens of thousands.
Everybody connected with its performance...
will have a good time for at least a twelvemonth to come.
So mote it be."
How splendid, Willie.
Sugared words, Lucy.
Listen.
"The opera is above the level of all other entertainments...
before the London public.
Still, I cannot pronounce it to be in any way...
an improvement upon its predecessors.
To me, words and music alike reveal symptoms of fatigue...
in their respective composer and author.
Arthur Sullivan cannot write other than in pleasing manner...
but more than one number in Princess Ida...
is lacking in the freshness and spontaneity...
of The Pirates of Penzance, Patience, lolanthe...
or The Sorcerer, his best operatic work."
Oh? Is it?
"Or H.M.S. Pinafore, the most popular.
W.S. Gilbert abundantly proves he is still the legitimate monarch...
of the realm of topsy-turvydom."
Thank you very much.
"But his incongruities are more elaborately worked up than of yore...
and therefore less funny.
Moreover, the story is a dull one."
- Burn it, Pidgeon! - Sir.
[Lucy] Willie!
Your kidneys are getting cold!
The show's doing splendidly, Arthur. Full houses and a healthy advance.
Capital.
Three tours on the road - Pirates, Patience and lolanthe.
- And four in rehearsal. - Merveilleux.
- [Helen] New York can't wait for Ida. - Ah, New York. How splendid.
- Helen has us booked up to the end of the year. - [Sullivan] Tireless as ever.
All part of my day's work.
- Tea, Miss Lenoir? - No, thank you, Louis.
Very well.
I do hope your confinement hasn't made you restless, Arthur.
How have you been passing the time?
I've made some resolutions, Helen.
- A little late in the New Year, perhaps, but - - Better late than never.
May we know what they are, Arthur?
Why not?
One:
To travel to the Continent, as soon as my health permits.
- Very wise. - I think so.
Two: To look for a country house where I may repair each summer...
without having to cross the channel.
- Three: To take more exercise. - Excellent, Arthur. And about time too.
A leaf out of your book, D'Oyly. I must walk more.
And is there a number four?
Yes.
To write no more operas for the Savoy.
- And what is number five? - To fly to the moon with his bed socks on.
No, I'm serious. I have to write a grand opera.
People expect it of me. I must not disappoint them.
I cannot waste any more time on these trivial soufflés.
Do you know I haven't written a symphony for over 20 years?
Not an unprofitable 20 years, if I may say so.
Arthur, if you would only learn to organize your time more efficiently...
you could do everything you wished.
My time is finite, Helen. I must fill it with that which is important to me.
Is not the Savoy Theatre important to you?
This work with Gilbert is quite simply killing me.
Working with Gilbert would kill anybody.
Is your contract with D'Oyly and Mr. Gilbert not important to you?
But our present concern is your health.
You must go to the south of France and recover.
We can discuss this on your return.
I shall recover, D'Oyly. And I shall return.
But there will be nothing to discuss.
- Did you dine at the Beefsteak Club? - Yes.
Somewhat unsatisfactory.
Oh.
Well, you missed Mrs. Judd's rabbit curry.
One gets the impression that everyone is snickering behind one's back.
Perhaps you could have some for tomorrow's lunch.
"The king of topsy-turvydom."
Humiliating.
You look a little uncomfortable.
I'm comfortable enough.
- I watched a bit from the wings. - Oh, did you?
First act. Seemed to be going rather well, surprisingly.
There. You see?
- Would you like me to read to you? - No, thank you.
I'll leave you. You must be tired.
- No, I'm not in the slightest. - It's wrong of me to unburden myself on you.
Don't be silly. That's why I'm here.
Come and talk to your Kitty.
Sometimes one wonders why one bothers.
They say jump, you jump.
- Good night, my dear. - Good night.
Lady Colin is endeavoring to persuade us to take up smoking.
She's writing an article for The Saturday Review.
She proposes that nicotine is a gift from the gods...
and if men may benefit from its soothing qualities...
why then may women not also?
My poor daughter now believes that smoking is an extension...
of the communion between a woman and her husband.
Will she be smoking a cigarette on her wedding day?
[Chuckles] Heaven forfend.
- [Chuckles] - Lady Colin is irresistible.
She cannot conceive why the Irish are starving...
when there's lots of good fish in the sea.
She most probably has a point.
- Oh, there's good news from Dublin. - Hmm?
The Churchills are to return to London.
Forgiven but not forgotten.
I do hope so.
Jenny says Winston is 11...
covered in freckles and has a total disdain for authority.
[Sniffs] Mmm.
I shall miss this fragrance.
Sicilian lemons.
Have you chosen your Beethoven for the Philharmonic Society?
As a matter of fact, I have. Yes.
- No. 2? - The seventh.
- Ah. - More dramatic.
And that is to be your work whilst you're away?
That... and only that.
Will there be room for Mr. Gilbert in your baggage?
Certainly not. He's far too large.
Food for thought.
It's not for me to say.
Indeed not.
Which train will you catch?
The tidal train.
Up at 7:00.
Arriving in Paris at 3:30?
More or less.
How will you spend your first night of liberty?
I shall take some exercise.
Hmm.
[People Chattering]
♪♪ [Man Singing In French With Falsetto]
- Oh! - [Sullivan] Ah!
Ooh, ooh!
- ♪♪ [Continues] - Whoo!
[Squeals]
- [Speaking French] - [French]
Whoo!
- Oh, yah! - Ah!
Whoo! [Speaking French]
♪♪ [Singing In French]
[French]
♪♪ [Man Vocalizing]
- [Woman Squeals] - [Murmurs]
[French]
[Both Speaking French]
♪♪ [Continues]
[Squeals]
- Whoo! - Whoo!
[Laughing]
What's your name?
This is Miss Cheese, monsieur.
[Speaking French]
Yes, it's true.
Mademoiselle Fromage.
What kind of cheese?
Swiss cheese, perhaps?
Yes, yes!
With little holes?
[Sullivan Laughing]
- [Screams] - [French]
Oh!
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪ This helmet, I suppose ♪
♪ Was meant to ward off blows ♪
♪ It's very hot and weighs a lot ♪
♪ As many a guardsman knows As many a guardsman knows ♪
♪ As many a guardsman knows ♪
♪ So off ♪
♪ So off that helmet goes ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪
♪ So off the helmet goes ♪
♪ This tight-fitting cuirass ♪
♪ Is but a useless mass ♪
♪ It's made of steel and weighs a deal ♪
♪ This tight-fitting cuirass ♪
♪ Is but a useless mass ♪
♪ A man is but an ass ♪
♪ Who fights in a cuirass ♪
♪ So off ♪
♪ So off goes that cuirass ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪
♪ So off goes that cuirass ♪♪
♪ Behold ♪ [Coughs]
My voice. My voice. I've... strained my voice.
I've been trying too hard.
The smaller the house, the greater the effort.
I'm very cross with myself. I should know better.
One's knocking one's pipes out...
in a vain attempt to elicit a response from three colonial bishops...
two elderly ladies and an intoxicated costermonger.
They're all roasting in their own lard like the Christmas goose.
Yes, and the costermonger laughed at the interval.
- Did he? - Mmm.
Ha! A man of infinite taste. Clearly.
Will you take a wee gargle of my salt water, Dickie?
Oh, no, thank you, dear chap. It would put me in mind of my boyhood.
- Mmm. Do forgive me. - Not at all.
- I fear that dear Mr. Gilbert has run out of ideas. - No.
He doesn't know what to do with me. Ponder this.
He thrusts me into a gamut of tight-fitting pots, pans and pails...
and poaches me like a fucking haddock.
Forgive my Anglo-Saxon, Mr. Butt. Do have a biscuit.
Oh, thank you, sir. I'll take one home with me for me supper.
Dickie, it's just this heat.
It addles the noodles. It happened to me in Milan frequently.
Ah. Milano. Bellissimo.
The heat less hellish.
I am humiliated. One might as well be in the chorus.
Away with you, you wee monkey.
Alas, no. The reign of the emperor Gilbert is all but at an end.
- I consider this to be his best piece so far. - With all due respect, my dear Durward...
your romantic opinion may be informed by the fact...
that you take a rather good role in which, of course, you are très splendide.
- Grazie. - Prego.
But I consider Princess Ida to be their worst.
- Do you? - I do.
Where is the panache of Pirates?
The wit of the Pinafore?
[Imitating Pirate] "From such a face and form as mine...
the noblest sentiments...
sound like the black utterances of a depraved imagination."
- It was very good, you know. - Yes, Dickie.
Do forgive me, dear boy. I don't wish to be the prophet of doom...
but one cannot help but have the distinct feeling...
that the sword of Damocles hovers ominously over the Savoy Theatre.
- How was Temple? - Oh.
Rather disgruntled, I fear.
As though he wasn't quite enjoying himself.
- His heart wasn't in it. - No.
- One can usually rely on Mr. Temple, can't one? - Mmm.
And the ladies' chorus look as though they could all do with a hearty meal.
It's this infernal heat.
One still has to feed oneself, Willie, whatever the weather.
Mmm.
And the audience were fanning themselves with their programs and libretti.
Most distracting, when one is striving to concentrate on the performance...
to have in the corner of one's eye this confounded flapping.
Makes one want to stand up and shout.
- I trust you restrained yourself. - Yes, of course I did, Willie.
- More tea, ma'am? - No, thank you, Pidgeon.
- Coffee, sir? - Yes. Pidgeon?
- Sir? - Did my father say anything else?
Nothing I should care to repeat, sir.
There were more people on the stage than in the audience.
Did you count them?
- No, of course I didn't, Willie. - Then how do you know?
- I was speaking metaphorically. - You were exaggerating.
- Anything else, sir? - No, thank you.
Ma'am.
"O horror...
horror...
horror!"
Willie.
- [Knocks] - Come in.
- Good morning, my dear. - Good morning, Richard.
- Another scorcher? - The everlasting bonfire.
- Good morning, governor. - Morning, Barker.
Thank you.
- Shocking. - Most alarming.
A mediocre evening.
- Three fainters. - In the audience?
I fear so. All women.
- Any absentees? - Four chorus members.
- With doctor's notes? - Yes. Thank you.
And... how are the returns?
- Oh, good grief. - It's an improvement on Monday.
Seven dead horses in the Strand this morning.
Well, one down by Trafalgar Square.
I don't know how you can sit there in your hat and coat, Barker.
I'm too hot to remove them, Mr. Carte.
- This is developing into something of a crisis. - [Barker] Indeed it is.
A man has a wife and children to support.
I fear we shall all have to pray for rain.
Well, if it's any consolation, every theater in town is afflicted.
Even the Gaiety, graced as it is with Madame Bernhardt's execrable Lady Macbeth.
- Thirty-eight percent. - Who told you that, Barker?
Hollingshead. I-I played a game of cricket with him...
this morning before breakfast at Coram's Fields.
- In this heat? - Yes, madam, but not in this attire.
- Oh, good. - Mr. Hollingshead has told you a fib, Barker.
- Indeed? - He's only playing to 29%.
Mr. Hollingshead has no need to lie to me, Mr. Carte.
Mr. Hollingshead has much need to lie to everybody, Mr. Barker.
- Especially you. - Gentlemen.
[Rings]
[Shouting] Are you there?
Yes.
8-5-0-5.
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello? - Is that you, Mr. Gilbert?
- Hello? - Hello?
- Good morning, Barker. - This is Barker speaking.
- Gilbert here! - Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.
How are we today, Barker? Are we popular, or are we mad?
Ah. Uh, we are popular!
Very good. Carry on.
Here is your message for today:
"U," "U," plus 10 shillings and sixpence.
- Can you repeat that, please? - Yes.
"U," "U."
- So, that's "U" for "udder" - - Yes.
- "U" for "udder" - - Yes.
- Plus ten shillings and sixpence. - Yes.
So, you have two udders, Barker?
- Uh, yes. - I always suspected as much.
[Laughing]
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Good-bye. - Good-bye, Mr. Gilbert.
I'm going to hang up the telephone now.
I-Indeed you are, sir.
Well, I'm, uh, going out to seek a little Italian hokeypokey...
and I care not who knows it.
Thank you, Barker.
I shall not return with any for you, sir, because it would melt.
Au revoir.
[Door Closes]
I owe you an apology, Kitty. It would appear you weren't exaggerating after all.
Apology accepted. Thank you, Willie.
Schwenck speaks to the Savoy every morning in code, father-in-law...
just in case the telephone operator should be eavesdropping.
One might as well open the window and shout down the street.
There. That should be more comfortable for you.
Sheer waste of time.
It will only result in the further erosion of the written word.
- Would you care to sit down now? - [Murmurs]
Thank you.
- Ah, there you are, Pidgeon. - Ma'am.
[Lucy] I do apologize, sir, that neither I nor Schwenck...
was here to welcome you on your arrival last night.
[Father] I do not appreciate being left upon the doorstep like a hawker.
[Gilbert] If you'll only take the trouble to press the electric bell, Father...
you'll be admitted at once.
- Is that not so, Pidgeon? - Indeed it is, sir.
I have no intention of placing my life in danger, sir.
How many doorstep deaths have we had thus far, Pidgeon?
None to my certain knowledge, sir.
There you are, Father. The odds would appear to be in your favor.
- Will there be anything else, sir? - No, thank you.
Would you tell Mrs. Judd that Dr. Gilbert will be joining us for lunch?
Certainly, ma'am.
You know, father-in-law, that you are most welcome in our home at any time...
but please do try to inform us of your intention to visit.
A father should not have to seek permission to visit his own son.
The son shouldn't be expected to be clairvoyant.
Who does he think I am? Harlequin?
Would you excuse me?
I take it that you will be joining us for lunch, father-in-law?
[Sighs] I-I have no idea...
where I shall be taking luncheon, thank you.
Well, perhaps Schwenck can persuade you.
Take lunch with us, Father. We shall enjoy your company.
Have I to understand, sir, that you have been in communication with your mother?
No, Father, not for some considerable time, I'm glad to say.
You are a liar, sir.
No, sir.
I can assure you, Papa, that the very last person...
with whom I wish to have any communication at all...
is your estranged wife...
the vicious woman who bore me into this ridiculous world.
How dare you, sir. Have you no respect?
Don't misunderstand me, Father. Nobody respects her more than I do...
and I can't stand the woman.
- She is a veritable gorgon! - She is indeed.
And she has chosen her own path.
And in so doing, she has turned her back on yourself and myself.
And for that small mercy, we should both of us be eternally grateful.
Those terrors...
that visit me in the night.
- They can never be vanquished. - Ah!
Insomnia. I suffer from it myself.
But it is she who sends them.
I know it is she.
I know not what heathen oracle she consults...
what filthy familiar she employs.
I know that they will come.
Wh-Wh-What are these walls?
[Whimpering]
[Whimpering Continues]
[Whimpering] No!
[Screaming]
[Whimpers]
- £5,000? - The last 10 shares. Worth every penny.
Trust me, Arthur.
I do, D'Oyly.
- What's this? - Pull it.
- Oh. - It's a reservoir pen. It contains its own ink.
Good gracious me.
- What ever will they think of next? - Try it.
[Chuckles]
Now, how long is all this going to take?
Two years.
I shall begin the foundations next month.
- Thank you. - [Chuckles]
- To the Savoy Hotel. - The Savoy Hotel.
With its 70 bathrooms.
The builder was much bemused.
[Cockney Accent] "What's the point of 'aving a bathroom to every bedroom?
Who's goin' to be staying there - amphibians?"
D'Oyly, I can't tell you how delightful it is to see you here in Paris.
- You're looking much better. - A new man.
Monte Carlo was most profitable.
Florence was hideously hot.
I sampled the Chartreuse at Certosa. The monks were uncommonly charming.
The train journey through the Saint Gotthard Pass is spectacular.
You must go.
And Lucerne - tranquillity itself.
I walked until I dropped.
Did you receive my letter?
- Yes, I did. - Good.
And?
It came to Brussels.
- I sent it to Brussels, Arthur. - Yes, of course.
We're ready.
You killed the pigeon yourself?
No, sir. I leave that to the executioner.
It's the best way.
Monsieur.
So, what is your position?
Much the same, I'm afraid.
I fully realize, D'Oyly, that you have me under contract.
But I cannot write any more operas for the Savoy.
[Wine Pouring]
At least not of that particular character.
I think you should tell Gilbert.
I shall. The moment I return.
Gentlemen, enjoy your meal.
- Merci. - Merci.
♪ The reason is not far to find when we are near ♪
♪ For though they say ♪
♪ That love is blind ♪
- ♪ Ah, never fear, ah, ah, ah ♪ - ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ We see our destinies entwined the noonday clear ♪
♪ And love is over all ♪
♪ When shadows fall ♪
♪ And thou ♪
♪ Art here ♪♪
[Both Chuckling]
[Sighs]
- Oh! [Laughing] - [Laughing]
- Il est bien, Clothilde. - Oui, madame. You are a tonic for him.
Merci. Cherish him.
Of course, madame.
- [Gasps] - Ah! Mrs. Ronalds, what an unexpected pleasure.
- Mr. Gilbert, how are you? - How are you?
- Quite well, thank you. - I'm so pleased.
- He's in excellent spirits. - Is he? I look forward to hearing his tales.
- Good day. - Good day to you.
- Au revoir. - Madame.
- Ça va, Clothilde? - Ça va, monsieur.
- It is hot, no? - Yes.
- He awaits. - Thank you.
How was your crossing, Sullivan?
Mercifully smooth, thank you.
- As smooth as D'Oyly Carte. [Chuckles] - [Chuckles]
No, not quite, Gilbert.
- Lump sugar? - Thank you, no.
Oh, please do. I found it in Lucerne. It's delicious.
If you insist.
- Mmm. - Very good. Mmm.
- Is Lucy well? - Oh, she's in fine fettle.
She sends you her love and trusts you are in good health.
Thank you. Please reciprocate.
Of course.
- What's this Carte's been telling me? - Oh, dear.
- You can't be serious. - I'm afraid I am.
[Chuckles] So you've torn up our contract into tiny pieces...
and cast it to the four winds.
Don't be absurd.
- Well, that would be the implication. - I hardly think so.
What else is one to deduce?
Oh, Gilbert.
There's so much that I have yet to do for music -
for my queen, for my country.
Even if God were to grant me two days for every one that I had left on this earth...
I still should not be able to achieve everything.
Come, come, Sullivan. You're a genius.
I merely bask in your reflected glory.
[Chuckles] Oh, Gilbert, please.
But I'm somewhat at a loss. What is the precise nature of your dilemma?
How shall I put this?
My tunes, my - my orchestrations are becoming repetitious.
I've wrung all the changes possible in the way of variety of rhythm.
I have such respect for your words...
that I have continually kept down my music in order that they can be heard.
It's no more than word setting.
Sullivan, I have always subordinated my words to your music.
- Oh, I think not. - You've often expatiated to me and to others...
on the thorough good feeling with which we've always worked together.
Unquestionably. But I want a chance for my music...
to act in its own proper sphere.
It does. It always has, and it always will.
It must be allowed to intensify the emotional element...
not only of your words, but of the situation...
which can be humorous, dramatic - what you will.
Of course. It goes without saying. You teach me the ABC of my profession.
Now, would you care for me to read this to you or not?
- Where is it set? - In the Sicilian mountains.
Plenty of scope there for gypsy music, one might suggest.
Now, the local alchemist is killed in an explosion...
and there amongst his effects a chorus of villagers discover a potion.
- Magic potion, no doubt. - Indeed.
- I thought as much. - Now, the effect of this magic potion...
is to transform the character who takes it...
into whatever he or she is pretending to be.
Oh, Gilbert. You and your world of topsy-turvydom.
- [Chuckles] - In 1881, it was a magic coin.
And before that, it was a magic lozenge.
And in 1877, it was an elixir.
In this instance, it is a magic potion.
"Act 1. Scene: A mountain inn...
on a picturesque Sicilian pass.
A range of mountains with Etna in the distance."
- I've made you some beef tea, Mr. Gilbert. - Take it away.
You've not had anything since yesterday afternoon, sir.
- Take it away. - You can't work on an empty stomach.
Can't work at all, Mrs. Judd, if I am being constantly pestered...
by interfering women with hot beef tea...
cold compresses, mustard poultices and excessive attacks of philanthropic zeal.
- How's my wounded soldier? - He's not doing as he's told, madam.
Oh, isn't he now?
Willie, are you intending to visit the dentist tomorrow?
- You really should try - - Oh, for God's sake, you pair of bloody harpies!
Get out! I'm working!
- Willie - - Madam.
I had rather spend an afternoon in a Turkish bath with my mother...
than visit the dratted dentist.
Very well.
Good night.
- [Screams] - She's being just a little bit tricky.
[Screaming]
She's coming.
- [Groaning] - Well done, Mr. Gilbert.
Rinse.
She's a beauty.
- Open wide. - Wh-Wh-What?
- Bite really hard. - [Groaning]
I must say, my wife and I did find Princess Ida...
rather too long, don't you know.
[Muffled, Indistinct]
Try not to speak, old chap.
♪♪ [Classical]
♪♪ [Ends]
[Applause]
[Chattering]
[Applause]
I do hope you've enjoyed your evening...
but before we say farewell...
may I suggest an impromptu.
Mr. Walter Simmonds has generously offered...
to accompany me on the harmonium.
Now, we have another very young hopeful with us this evening...
who has kindly agreed to accompany us with a new composition of his own.
- "The Lost Chord." - [Exclaiming, Applauding]
Sir Arthur informed me a few moments ago...
that he cannot entirely recall his new piece.
- [Audience Laughs] - Merci, madame.
♪ Seated one day at the organ ♪
♪ I was weary and ill at ease ♪
♪ And my fingers wandered idly ♪
♪ Over the noisy keys ♪
♪ I know not what I was playing ♪
♪ Or what I was dreaming then ♪
♪ But I struck one chord of music ♪
♪ Like the sound of a great amen ♪
♪ Like the sound ♪
♪ Of a great ♪
♪ Amen ♪♪
- It's ridiculous. - It is.
I sent him the thing on Monday of last week. He could have read it on the same day...
or at the very least on the Tuesday.
Now 10 days have passed, and I haven't heard a word.
- This concerns me greatly. - Concerns me greatly.
You're going to have to go and see him, you know.
I'll be buggered if I do any such thing.
I present the man with my idea, he rejects it.
I respond in detail to his misgivings, but answer came there none.
Now, either he hasn't read it, or he has read it and he doesn't like it...
and if he doesn't like it, he should say so.
- Then at least we shall know where we stand. - Go and see him.
No, Carte. You go and see him.
I've no more shots in my locker.
"Sullivan and Gilbert"? Who are they?
At least they're finally going to revive The Sorcerer.
- [Carte] Only as a stopgap. - It'll give us breathing space.
It won't run more than three months.
Your unbounded optimism is inspiring, Carte.
I have the greatest confidence in The Sorcerer, Gilbert, but I'm not in the business of revivals.
You are now, since you've decided to withdraw the ailing Princess Ida...
in spite of the cooler weather.
♪ Sprites of earth and air ♪
♪ Fiends of flame and fire ♪
♪ Demon souls, come here in shoals ♪
♪ This fearful deed inspire ♪
♪ Appear, appear, appear ♪
[Rumbling]
♪ Good master, we are here ♪
♪ Noisome hags of night ♪
♪ Imps of deadly shade ♪
♪ Pallid ghosts, arise in hosts ♪
♪ And lend me all your aid ♪
♪ Appear, appear ♪
♪ Appear ♪
♪ Good master, we are here ♪
♪ Hark, hark, they assemble These fiends of the night ♪
♪ Oh, Alexis, I tremble ♪
♪ Seek safety in flight ♪
♪ Let us fly to a far-off land where peace and plenty dwell ♪
♪ Where the sigh of the silver strand is echoed in every shell ♪
♪ To the joys that land will give ♪
♪ On the wings of love we'll fly ♪
♪ In innocence there to live ♪
♪ In innocence there to die ♪
- ♪ In innocence there to live ♪ - [Mouthing Words]
♪ There to die ♪
♪ To live and die ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Too late, too late ♪
♪ That may not be ♪
♪ It may not be ♪
♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪
[All Harmonizing] ♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪
♪ Now, shriveled hags with poison bags ♪
♪ Discharge your loathsome loads ♪
♪ Spit flame and fire, unholy choir ♪
♪ Belch forth your venom, toads ♪
♪ Ye demons fell with yelp and yell ♪
♪ Shed curses far afield ♪
♪ Ye fiends of night, your filthy blight ♪
♪ In noisome plenty yield ♪
Number one.
[Chorus] ♪ It is done ♪
Number two.
[Chorus] ♪ One too few ♪
Number three!
[Rumbling]
[Chorus] ♪ Set us free, set us free Our work is done ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ Let us fly to a far-off land where peace and plenty dwell ♪
- [Chorus] ♪ Set us free, set us free ♪ - ♪ Too late, too late ♪
- ♪ Where the sigh of the silver strand is echoed in every shell ♪ - ♪ Set us free, set us free ♪
- ♪ Too late, too late ♪ - [Chorus] ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
- ♪ Let us fly, let us fly ♪ - ♪ It may not be ♪
- ♪ That happy fate is not for thee ♪ - ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ - ♪ Let us fly, let us fly ♪♪
- How many today, Jessie? - Only nine, alas.
Oh, alas.
I have received none today.
I'm utterly neglected.
Have these, you poor soul.
I don't want your scraps, Jessie Bond.
Too vigorous, Emily. Apply the bandage.
Beg your pardon, Miss Bond.
Shall I ever find anybody again?
Oh, don't be so gloomy, Leonora.
Sadly, I seem to appeal only to elderly gentlemen.
Where are my young bucks and blades?
- Quel dommage. - I've told you what you must do.
The last thing a girl wants after an evening's performance...
is to have to go and sing all night for London society.
Idle ladies and their odious husbands.
- One has to sing for one's supper. - It's damned exhausting.
- I detest it. - Anyway, they're not all married.
And some of them are rather cute and courteous.
You have them dangling on a leash, Jessie.
One must keep one's self amused, don't you know.
[Leonora] It's so terribly trying.
When I meet a gentleman, he invites me to supper...
I mention my little... secret...
and then he's off - quick, smart.
"C'est impossible."
Well, you shouldn't reveal your little secret...
until he's fallen hopelessly in love with you and has asked you to marry him.
Oh, Jessie, for goodness sake. "By the by, monsieur...
you do realize, do you not, that I have a little boy."
I couldn't possibly pretend that Stanton doesn't exist.
No. No, he's my precious little bundle.
- How's his toothache? - Earache.
He suffers terribly, poor mite.
Would you like me to lace you up now, Miss Bond?
Of course, Emily.
Well, surely your Mr. Barnes would be willing.
Mr. Baker. Jessie, please.
I do not intend to become a widow again before I'm 50.
No. Neither do I.
[Harmonizing] ♪ No doubt ♪
- ♪ Yet spite of all your pains ♪ - [Leonora] ♪ Yet spite of all my pain ♪
- ♪ The interesting fact remains ♪ - [Knocks]
- Come in. - ♪ He was a little boy ♪
♪ He was a little boy ♪♪
- Five minutes, Miss Braham. - Thank you, Shrimp.
Pleasure, miss.
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪♪ [Continues]
♪ But soft They waken one by one ♪
♪ The spell has worked The deed is done ♪
♪ I would suggest that we retire ♪
♪ While Love, the housemaid ♪
♪ Lights a kitchen fire ♪
♪ While Love, the housemaid ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ Lights a kitchen fire ♪
♪ Why, where be I ♪
♪ And what be I a-doin' ♪
♪ A-sleepin' out just when ♪
♪ The dew do rise ♪
♪ Why, that's the very way your health to ruin ♪
♪ And don't seem quite respectable likewise ♪
♪ Eh, that's you ♪
♪ Only think of that now ♪
♪ What may you be at now ♪
♪ Tell me, do ♪
♪ Eh, what a nose ♪
♪ And, oh, what eyes, miss ♪
♪ Lips like a rose ♪
♪ And cheeks likewise, miss ♪
♪ I'll tell you true ♪
♪ Which I never done, sir ♪
♪ I like you ♪
♪ As I never liked none, sir ♪
♪ Eh, but I do ♪
♪ Like you ♪♪
[Clock Chiming In Distance]
[Sighs]
- Morning, Carte. - Good morning, Gilbert. Cigar?
- Thank you very much. - [Sullivan] Gilbert.
- [Gilbert] Sullivan. May I? - [Carte] Certainly.
- Morning, D'Oyly. - Hello, Arthur.
- [Gilbert] Good morning, Miss Lenoir. - Good morning, everybody.
[Sullivan] Good day, Helen.
Now, gentlemen, we all know why we're here.
We seem to have come to something of a standstill.
- Indeed we have. - Which, Arthur, is because -
Oh.
Because, Helen...
I am unable to set the piece that Gilbert persists in presenting.
The piece I persist in presenting, Sullivan, has substantially altered each time.
Otherwise, there'd be little point in my presenting it to you.
With great respect, old chap, it has not substantially altered at all.
You seem merely to have grafted on to the first act the tantalizing suggestion...
that we are to be in the realms of human emotion and probability...
only to disappoint us by reverting to your familiar world of topsy-turvydom.
That which I have grafted onto Act 1, Sullivan, has been specifically at your request.
And if you take exception to topsy-turvydom...
you take exception to a great deal of my work of the past 25 years.
Not to mention much of what you and I have written together since 1871.
- That is patent balderdash. - Is it?
Gentlemen, if we might keep things cordial, we may make some progress.
Arthur, can you really not see your way to setting this new piece?
Alas, Helen, I cannot.
Cannot or will not?
I am truly unable to set any piece that is so profoundly uncongenial to me.
Uncongenial though it may be to you, I must remind you...
that we here are conducting a business.
And may I remind you, Helen, that I am not a machine.
I would not suggest for one moment that you were.
You all seem to be treating me as a barrel organ.
You have but to turn my handle and, "Hey, presto"...
- out pops a tune. - That's not strictly true.
- Arthur. - Oh, come now. That's unfair.
You are both contractually obliged to supply a new work on request.
The very act of signing a joint contract dictates that we must be businesslike.
Yes, Mr. Gilbert.
And I was wondering whether you might not be able to solve our wee difficulty.
- How, pray? - By simply writing another libretto.
That's out of the question.
I have spent many long months working at this play...
which I have every confidence will be the best we have yet produced at the Savoy.
And to abandon it would be not only criminal but wasteful.
[Helen] I see.
Now, had Sullivan lodged his complaint at an earlier date...
that might have been a different matter.
I made my complaint the moment you presented me with the libretto.
The point being that I was unable to present you with the libretto...
until you returned from your grand tour of Europe.
That is neither here nor there.
No, Sullivan. Indeed. I was here, and you were there. Ha!
What I don't understand, Arthur, is why you cannot set this piece.
You're our greatest composer. Surely you can do anything.
How very kind you are, Helen.
But I say again to you all, I am at the end of my tether.
I have been repeating myself in this class of work for too long...
and I will not continue so to do.
Neither of us runs any risk of repeating himself, Sullivan.
This is an entirely new story, quite unlike any other.
But, Gilbert, it bears a marked similarity to The Sorcerer.
People are already saying we're repeating ourselves.
In what way is it similar to The Sorcerer?
Obviously, both involve characters who are transformed by the taking of a magic potion...
a device which I continue to find utterly contrived.
Every theatrical performance is a contrivance by its very nature.
Yes, but this piece consists entirely of an artificial and implausible situation.
If you wish to write a grand opera about a prostitute...
dying of consumption in a garret...
I suggest you contact Mr. Ibsen in Oslo.
I am sure he will be able to furnish you with something suitably dull.
- Gilbert, please. - Hmm?
- I do beg your pardon, Miss Lenoir. - Oh, no. Granted.
The opportunity to treat a situation of tender, human and dramatic interest...
is one I long for more than anything else in the world.
If that is your sincere desire, I would be willing, with Carte's permission...
to withdraw my services for one term, to allow you to write a grand opera...
with a collaborator with whom you have a closer affinity than myself.
- No, Gilbert. - I'm in earnest, Sullivan.
No doubt that is something we shall be pursuing in the future.
Indeed.
Well, that is your prerogative, Carte.
[Helen] However, we are concerned with the present.
Arthur, will you or will you not set Mr. Gilbert's new and original work?
Ma belle, Helen, ce n'est pas possible.
Truly?
I'm afraid so.
That being the case...
Mr. Gilbert, would I be right in supposing that you remain unable to accommodate us?
Indeed, Miss Lenoir.
I have had what I deem to be a good idea...
and such ideas are not three a penny.
What a pity.
This will be a very sad day for many thousands of people.
Well, gentlemen, I don't know about you, but speaking for myself...
I could murder a pork chop.
If you'll excuse me, I shall retrieve my hat.
- Gilbert. - Sullivan.
Good day to you both.
No doubt we shall be in communication in the near future.
- Gilbert. - Good day, Mr. Gilbert.
Good day.
You know where to find me.
Arthur.
- Where have you been? - Shopping.
Surprising.
I was in Knightsbridge, and guess what I saw.
An elephant gilding two lilies.
- [Laughs] No. - I haven't the least idea.
- Three tiny Japanese ladies. - How do you know they were Japanese?
Because they were wearing their funny dressing gowns.
Had they just got up?
No. There's a Japanese exhibition at Humphreys' Hall.
Oh, yes. Japanese village of some sort or other.
Yes! Yes. It sounds rather intriguing. Might we visit?
No.
But, Willie, the whole of London will be going.
Precisely.
Don't be so stubborn.
I have other things on my mind. You know that.
Yes, I do know that, Willie, and I understand.
But a little distraction will do you good.
- Kitty, I don't want to be distracted. - Yes, you do.
Oh, do I? You know my mind better than I do, do you?
I know you better than you think I do, Willie.
Lucy, if you wish to visit Humphreys' Hall, by all means do so...
but I shall not accompany you for all the tea in China.
- ♪♪ [Samisen] - ♪♪ [Woman Singing In Japanese]
♪♪ [Continues]
What are you writing, sir?
[Speaking Japanese]
[Whispering]
♪♪ [Singing In Japanese]
- Good afternoon, Lucy. - Maude!
Good heavens. What are you two doing here?
- How are you, Schwenck? - Mmm.
- How jolly. You must join us. - Unfortunately, we're just about to leave.
- Oh, what a pity. - What do you make of it all?
- It's quite entrancing. - It's frightful.
[Both Laughing]
- How's Mother? - [Maude] Quite well.
- She's in bed. - [Lucy] Oh.
Come along, Maude.
Oh, yes, Florence. We mustn't keep you. Good day to you.
- Do give her my best. - Of course.
- Well, au revoir. - [Gilbert] Good day, Maude.
Au revoir.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Shouting In Japanese]
- [Lucy] My goodness. - Mmm.
It's perfectly green.
- Spinach water. - Oh, Willie.
Thank you very much.
[Speaking Heavily Accented English]
- I beg your pardon? - [Repeats Phrase]
- [Lucy] Oh, she speaks English. - What did she say?
- She said, "Sixpence, please." - [Heavy Accent] Sixpence, please.
- [Gilbert] Ah. Sixpence. - [Coins Jingling]
- Thank you very much. - Arigato gozaimasu.
[Accented] Sixpence, please.
♪♪ [Flute]
[Japanese]
[Shouting]
[Arguing]
[Shouting]
[Anguished Voice]
[Man #2 Speaking Japanese]
[Shouting]
- [Shouts] - [Groans]
- [Moaning] - ♪♪ [Japanese Instruments]
[Applause]
Here we are, sir.
- There, Pidgeon. - Very good, sir.
Comme ça.
Yes, sir.
Show it to me.
To your right.
Bit more.
Good. Down a bit.
Down a bit. There.
- Mark it there. - Yes, sir.
Give it to me.
Thank you, sir. It's a fine-looking instrument, sir.
Now, would that be Spanish or Italian?
- Neither, Pidgeon. - Of course, sir.
Good.
- Excellent. Thank you. - Thank you, sir.
♪♪ [Piano]
Do we suppose that Lucy is with child?
I beg your pardon, Mama?
Lucy.
Is she enceinte? With child?
Whyever would you think that?
One wouldn't have said she was sickly...
although she did ask after you, Mama.
- What did he say? - Who?
Schwenck.
He said nothing, Mama. Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing!
[Door Slams]
Your dear son said very little...
and what he did say, I have already told you.
Now...
do you care for this or not?
It is merely a piece of wood.
Very well. I shall keep it for my collection.
- Maude? - Yes, Mama?
Never bear a humorous baby.
I shall endeavor not to, Mama.
[Imitating Japanese Actors]
♪♪ [Orchestral Fanfare]
♪ Behold the Lord High Executioner ♪
♪ A personage of noble rank and title ♪
♪ A dignified and potent officer ♪
♪ Whose functions are particularly vital ♪
♪ Defer, defer ♪
♪ To the Lord High Executioner ♪
♪ Defer, defer ♪
♪ To the noble lord To the noble lord ♪
♪ To the Lord High Executioner ♪
♪ Taken from the county jail ♪
♪ By a set of curious chances ♪
♪ Liberated then on bail ♪
♪ On my own recognizances ♪
♪ Wafted by a favoring gale ♪
♪ As one sometimes is in trances ♪
♪ To a height that few can scale ♪
♪ Saved by long and weary dances ♪
♪ Surely, never had a male ♪
♪ Under suchlike circumstances ♪
♪ So adventurous a tale ♪
♪ Which may rank with most romances ♪
♪ Taken from the county jail ♪
- ♪ By a set of curious chances ♪ - ♪ Liberated then on bail ♪
- ♪ Surely, never had a male ♪ - ♪ Surely, never had a male ♪
[Together] ♪ So adventurous a tale ♪♪
"The Mikado; or, the Town of Titipu."
- [Laughs] - "Act 1.
Scene: Courtyard of Ko-Ko's palace in Titipu.
Japanese nobles discovered standing and sitting...
in attitudes suggested by native drawings.
Chorus: 'lf you want to know who we are, we are gentlemen of Japan.
On many a vase and jar, on many a screen and fan, we figure in lively paint...
our attitudes queer and quaint, you're wrong if you think it ain't.
- [Laughing] - If you think we are worked by strings...
like a Japanese marionette, you don't understand these things.
It is simply court etiquette.
Perhaps you suppose this throng can't keep it up all day long.
If that's your idea, you're wrong.'
Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement.
He carries a native guitar on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
Recitative Nanki-Poo:
'Gentlemen, I pray you tell me where a lovely maiden dwelleth...
named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko.
In pity speak. Oh, speak, I pray you."'
"'I hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum...
at liberty to listen to my protestations.'
Pish-Tush: 'lt is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting...
but he was reprieved at the last moment...
and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner...
under the following remarkable circumstances.'
Song, Pish-Tush:
'Our great Mikado, virtuous man...
when he to rule our land began...
resolved to try a plan whereby young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed in words succinct...
that all who flirted, leered or winked...
unless connubially linked...
should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree that he was right to so decree...
and I am right, and you are right...
and all is right as right can be.
This stern decree, you'll understand, caused great dismay throughout the land.
For young and old and shy and bold were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye...
or breathed a non-connubial sigh...
was thereupon condemned to die.
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect, that he was right to so object.
And I am right, and you are right, and everything is quite correct.
And so we straight let out on bail a convict from the county jail...
whose head was next, on some pretext, condemned to be mown off.
And made him headsman, for we said...
"Who's next to be 'decapited' cannot cut off another's head...
until he's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say...
to argue in this kind of way.
And I am right, and you are right, and all is right. Too-loorallay.'
Chorus. End of song."
Highly amusing, Willie.
- Fatuous. - Oh.
Surely Arthur likes it.
He hasn't said otherwise.
It certainly is rich in human emotion and probability.
Hardly.
"Enter Pooh-Bah."
Tragedy.
- It is. - Che brutto.
Absolutely.
He simply hasn't played with a straight bat.
- Who's that? - His Majesty, the Mahdi.
- Oh, yes. - No. It just isn't cricket.
Quite so. It's completely contrary to the rules of engagement.
The man was surrounded on all sides and massacred mercilessly.
"What full fortune doth the thick lips owe."
- What does that mean? - Philistine.
It baffles me that you're baffled, Barrington.
- Hmm? - The Hottentot in the desert doesn't play cricket.
His natural habitation being the "jungly bungly" tree...
he is as yet hardly able to walk upright, don't you know.
[Chuckles] We strive to bring them civilization...
and this is their gratitude.
Did you know that 56 families were slaughtered on the island of Skye?
Really? When was that?
- '82, I think. - And who perpetrated the outrage, pray?
Oh, merely the, uh, English militia.
- Extraordinary. - Buon appetito.
[Sighs]
- Shall we indulge in another dozen? - I rather think we ought, don't you?
I think we might. Would you care for a second fish, Lely?
- Oh. - Or a veritable shoal, perhaps.
I have had an ample sufficiency, thank you very much, my wee man.
I have an appointment with Carte this afternoon.
- At what hour? - 5:00.
Curious. I shall be with him at half past 4:00.
That's funny. I don't have a meeting with him at 4:00.
[Chuckles] And it is my firm intention to prize open his purse.
It will take a far stronger man than you, Mr. Barrington...
to fulfill that herculean labor.
[Chuckles]
And what's your mission, Captain Grossmith?
Oh, there are certain little matters.
I should rather like to offer you an increase in salary, George.
- Oh? Indeed? - Indeed.
That's most benevolent of you, Mr. Carte.
- It's no less than you deserve, George. - Thank you.
And by how much, might one inquire?
By seven and a half percent.
Hmm.
Seven and a half.
Now, that would work out at, uh -
- Thirty pounds per week. - Thirty. Hmm.
I see.
Well, £30 per week wasn't quite the sum I had in mind...
as I wended my weary way here this afternoon.
Indeed.
As that would be three consecutive productions with only a negligible increase.
I don't consider an increase of two pounds per week over 12 months negligible, George.
One might have thought that the name of George Grossmith -
my not inconsiderable contribution - would have been more favorably recognized.
You do receive considerably more than anyone else, George.
- Do I? - Mmm.
We should be terribly sorry to lose you.
Gilbert has written you a particularly fine part in the new piece.
Precisely, as one would expect.
However, I should judge an increase of a paltry two pounds per week...
to be wholly unacceptable, not to mention mildly insulting...
if one may say so.
And what figure had you in mind, Mr. Grossmith?
Uh -
Forgive me. I seem to have lost my train of thought.
[Grossmith Exhales]
I -
[Deep Breath]
Are you unwell, George?
I fear I may have come over a bit queer.
- Most embarrassing. - You must take a little brandy.
[Groans]
"A little water clears us of this deed."
- I blame Grossmith for this. - Only Grossmith?
Thank you, Helen.
Confounded glutton.
Are you feeling better?
Oh, I do beg your pardon. This is awfully embarrassing.
Not at all, Rutty.
Now, why don't we return to the subject of your salary?
Oh. Yes.
Well, I must declare that I'm rather at a loss for words, D'Oyly.
- Excuse me. - [Groans]
Oh, I do beg your pardon.
This is a bally nightmare, damn it. I shall be in my dressing room.
The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
[Inhales]
I'm soon to have a meeting concerning the cast for the next opera.
Yes, indeed.
I've heard a little rumor that perhaps I should be playing the part of a 14-year-old schoolgirl.
Someone has been telling tales.
They have indeed, Mr. Carte. [Giggles]
Mr. Gilbert will be very angry.
Mmm!
With reference to your engagement for the opera...
I have a great concern about your little weakness.
I'm - I'm a little shocked, Mr. Carte.
I really do believe that my behavior this last year has been exemplary.
I'm pleased to say your tendency has improved...
but I am concerned about the future.
Yes. You're perhaps suggesting, Mr. Carte...
that I shan't be performing in the next production.
Yes, I'm afraid I am.
But the outcome of that, Leonora, is in your own hands.
Sometimes, Mr. Carte, I can be a very silly young woman.
You have an extraordinary talent.
It saddens me beyond measure to see someone throw it away.
I assure you, Mr. Carte, that I shall be in tip-top form.
I'm very pleased to hear that.
Much relieved.
Do we have an understanding?
Yes, we do, Mr. Carte.
Good.
♪ Charlie, Charlie ♪
♪ War would not follow thee ♪
♪ King of the Highland hearts ♪
♪ Bonnie Prince Charlie ♪♪
[Gargling]
- Chop-chop, Butt. How long do we have? - Eight minutes, Mr. Temple.
Oh, jolly good.
- Shocking news from Khartoum. - Indeed.
Unbearable.
- Something will have to be done, tout de suite. - Absolutely.
Mrs. Temple hit the nail on the head this afternoon, as per usual.
What did she say?
"The nation loses a hero, but the family loses a loved one."
Oh, how apt.
A perspicacious woman is Mrs. Temple.
Hat!
Consider this, my dear Butt.
Is it not the inevitable fate of the professional soldier...
that he may perish on the field of battle?
Indeed, sir.
But, Dickie, have you heard the real news of the day?
Yes, the Fenian bomb. Oh, dreadful.
- No. Grossmith and Barrington. - What?
- They're off tonight. - No!
- Yes. - Both of them?
- Yes. - Why?
- Oysters. - [Gasps]
- We shared luncheon together. - Did you swallow?
- No! I chose the sole. - Off the bone?
- Yes. It was rather succulent. - Wise man.
- Oysters can kill, you know? - Oh, unquestionably.
I had an aunt - choked on a scallop at Herne Bay.
- Really? - Tragic.
Oh, dear. Yes, they were away to see Carte.
- Oh, really. - Mmm.
- Will you be lobbying? - No. I'll just wait for my summons.
Quite right, dear boy.
One should be rewarded on one's merits...
not on one's ability to ingratiate oneself with the management.
Particularly when the management have difficulty...
in locating the relative whereabouts of the arse and the elbow.
[Laughing]
Serves them both right.
[Temple] Enter!
Five minutes, please, Mr. Temple, Mr. Lely.
- Thank you, Shrimp. - Merci, Crevette.
[Sullivan] One, two, three -
[Grossmith] ♪ And so, although I'm ready to go ♪
- ♪ Yet recollect 'twere disrespect ♪ - Dolce.
- ♪ Did I neglect to thus effect ♪ - Expansive.
- ♪ This aim direct, so I object ♪ - Good.
- ♪ And so, although I wish to go ♪ - Rutty, temper your volume, please.
- ♪ And greatly pine to brightly shine ♪ - And now.
- ♪ And take the line of a hero fine ♪ - Good.
♪ With grief condign I must decline ♪
♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪
♪ How much you dare I'm quite aware ♪
♪ It's your affair, yet I declare ♪
♪ I'd take your share, but I don't ♪
Bovill, that's very good.
But I've gone to considerable pains to provide you with triplets.
- Triplets, Sir Arthur, yes. - And on his salary! [Laughs]
- Rutty, please. - Apology.
Consequently, if you would be so kind as to trip.
- Of course, Sir Arthur. - Thank you. One, two, three, four.
♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪
♪ How much you dare I'm quite aware ♪
♪ It's your affair, yet I declare ♪
♪ I'd take your share but I don't much care ♪
Now, you see, Bovill? Very much better.
- Thank you, Sir Arthur. - The new man's doing awfully well.
- Quite splendid. - Thank you, gentlemen.
Breathe, Bovill. Breathe.
- It's piano, Barrington. Piano. - I'll do my best.
As many P's as you can muster, Rutland.
Without landing us all in the soup.
- [Laughing] - One, two, three, four.
♪ And go and show both friend and foe ♪
♪ How much you dare I'm quite aware ♪
♪ It's your affair, yet I declare ♪
- ♪ I'd take your share, but I don't much care ♪ - And going on.
- ♪ I must decline ♪ - ♪ So I object ♪
- ♪ I'd take your share, but I don't much care ♪ - ♪ So I object ♪
- ♪ I must decline, I must decline ♪ - ♪ I don't much care, I don't much care ♪ - ♪ So I object ♪
[Together] ♪ To sit in solemn silence in a - ♪
Gentlemen, un poco più vivo. Hmm?
Now, before the double bar line, it's one, two, three, four.
[Softly] And afterwards. One, two, three, four.
Clear? Very quiet.
From here, please. One, two, three, four.
♪ Care, I don't much care I don't much care ♪
- ♪ To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock ♪ - Good!
♪ In a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock ♪
- ♪ Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock ♪ - Tosto.
♪ From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block ♪
- ♪ To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock ♪ - More. Good.
♪ In a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock ♪
♪ Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock ♪
♪ From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block ♪
♪ A dull, dark dock A lifelong lock ♪
♪ A short, sharp shock A big black block ♪
♪ To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison ♪
♪ And awaiting the sensation from a cheap and chippy chopper ♪
♪ On a big ♪
♪ Black ♪
♪ Block ♪♪
- [Laughs] - Bravo.
- Goodness. - Splendid. - Excellent.
Louis. Wir haben etwas Kaffee.
- Your coffee is ready, Sir Arthur. - Thank you.
- My word. - Is it?
First-rate.
- Rutty, do go through. - Thanks, old chap.
Do one's hands remain within, Madame Leon?
Oh, no, my dear. No, no, no. Look. Here.
- Comme ça. - Oh, I see!
- Voilà. - [Giggles]
Are you still troubled by your understandings, Miss Bond?
- I'm in much pain this afternoon. - I'm so sorry to hear it.
Très jolie, très jolie. Superbe.
Such exquisite embroidery.
What are you wearing underneath your gown, Sibyl?
Only my frillies.
Alas, no corsets, I'm afraid to say.
Alice, vite!
Oh, shall we be revealing a little, Madame Leon?
I certainly hope not, Miss Braham.
- Oh, what a pity. - [Giggles]
Do take care, Miss Morton!
Makes one rather drowsy.
- It does look comfortable, Sibyl. - Indeed it is.
- La kimono. - Ooh.
Doucement, doucement.
- Gently, gently. - Ooh.
The silk is sublime, Madame Leon.
Indeed. From Mr. Liberty's store, don't you know.
Bona fide Japanese, with just a soupçon from gay Paris.
- C'est magnifique. - Oui! [Chuckles]
Is one to presume one is to be prevented from wearing one's corset, Madame Leon?
Miss Bond, none of the ladies shall be wearing corsets during the performance.
That's simply preposterous.
Our aim is to emulate the Japanese ladies...
and Japanese ladies are as thin as thread paper...
- inasmuch a Roman column as opposed to a Grecian urn. - Quite so.
I fear for my reputation, don't you know.
Miss Bond, I am following Mr. Gilbert's instructions.
Mr. Gilbert desires the Japanese appearance.
And that which Mr. Gilbert desires, Mr. Gilbert must have.
Fait accompli.
One can hardly cut a dash in this dressing gown.
Oh, do stop fussing, Jessie. Please.
- It's delightful, Madame Leon. - Thank you, Miss Braham.
- It's shapeless. - Yes, Miss Bond, it is shapeless.
Japanese ladies are most shapeless.
But there is no need for you ladies to be shapeless.
I have devised a solution, if I may crave your indulgence.
Miss Morton.
Miss Grey, would you kindly raise your arms?
- Of course. - Merci, merci.
Now, the bow goes at the back...
the sash at the front, lined with calico.
Now, tournez. Tournez, s'il vous plaît.
Now, this may be laced as tightly as you require.
Tournez. À gauche. À gauche.
- [Giggling] - Oui.
So you see, in effect, it is a corset. [Chuckles]
Where's the whalebone?
There are no bones, Miss Bond.
Well, Madame Leon, I do fear that if there are no bones, then it is plainly not a corset.
No, Miss Bond, it is not a corset, but it may serve for a corset.
It may give you the shape you desire. Tighter, please, Miss Morton. Tighter.
I cannot appear on stage without a corset.
It certainly feels like a corset, Jessie.
You do resemble a birthday gift, Sibyl. I could eat you.
[Giggles]
Do forgive me, Miss Bond.
One is working to the best of one's abilities...
although I fear sometimes it is not appreciated.
[Gilbert] And that is the haori. Am I correct, Wilhelm?
Quite so, Mr. Gilbert.
As opposed to the zori, which is the stocking, is it not?
- The stockings are the tabi, sir. - Ah, tabi.
- The sandals are the zori. - Exactly so.
I'm beginning to get the measure of this, Grossmith.
Hmm.
- Mr. Gilbert. - Lely?
Is this to be the length of my gown for Nanki-Poo?
I believe so. Wilhelm?
- Indeed it is. - Yes.
Do you not consider it to be perhaps... a little too short?
- Too short for what? - For propriety.
Might it not be rather unseemly?
- I'm sorry. Unseemly to whom? - To the audience of the Savoy Theatre, sir.
Hmm. I shouldn't have thought so.
In any case, I shall be the judge of that.
Rest assured, Mr. Lely, my designs are properly researched and authentic to the last thread.
Hmm. No offense to you, Mr. Wilhelm, but your properly authentic costume...
seems to have left me rather in the buff somewhat.
Quite.
No more in the buff than Japanese peasants have been for the last 800 years, Mr. Lely.
May I draw your attention to the fact, Mr. Wilhelm...
that I am not, actually, a Japanese peasant.
No. You're a Scotch actor who is taking the part of a Japanese prince...
who is posing as an itinerant minstrel.
Lely, I would be only too happy for the tailor here to chop off some of my surplus...
and stitch it to the hem of your kilt.
- [Chuckles] - [Gilbert] Thank you, Grossmith.
I am sure we shall reap the benefits or your remonstrations in the fullness of time.
Yes, G.G. Do you not agree with me that this garment is rather vulgar?
I do, as it happens.
Mr. Grossmith, kindly oblige me by removing your hat.
Why, sir? Are you ready for me?
Would that I were, sir.
And I'll thank you not to refer to my designs as vulgar, Mr. Lely.
[Chuckles] Mr. Wilhelm, to my eyes...
your designs are not only vulgar, but obscene.
How dare you, sir!
Strong words, Lely. What the deuce do you mean?
Mr. Gilbert, I'm a respectably married man, and I love my wife dearly.
Now, one of the few pleasures that she has enjoyed...
since the untimely demise of my beloved mother-in-law...
has been to watch me perform upon the stage.
But I am not prepared to allow her to suffer the embarrassment...
of seeing me flaunted before the public like a half-dressed performing dog!
You have my sympathies, Lely.
But, unfortunately, your avocation as an actor...
compels you on occasion to endure the most ignominious indignities.
As Grossmith will doubtless testify.
Without question, sir.
Mr. Lely, let me be clear.
I will not alter one stitch of your costume to protect the sensibilities of your wife...
your children or any other member of your unfortunate family.
Mr. Wilhelm, I would strongly advise you...
not to speak of my family in such a despicable manner!
Sir. Will you remove your corset?
- I beg your pardon? - Kindly remove your corset, Mr. Lely.
It'll spoil the hang of the cloth.
Mr. Gilbert.
I never perform without my corset.
What, never?
- [Chuckles] I'm afraid not, sir. - Why not?
One cannot produce the required vocal vigor...
without the necessary diaphragmatical support that the corset affords.
[Gasps, Coughs]
Come, come, Lely. This is not grand opera in Milan.
It is merely low burlesque in a small theater on the banks of the river Thames.
You have a fine, strong voice...
which will be more than adequate for our purposes, with or without the corset.
Kindly remove it this instant.
You may retire behind the screen if you wish.
Very well, sir.
But may I just say that, in five years of loyal service to this company...
I have never, until this moment, lodged a single complaint.
Your noble restraint has been much appreciated.
Thank you, sir.
♪♪ [Intro]
♪ A wandering minstrel I ♪
♪ A thing of shreds ♪
♪ And patches ♪
♪ Of ballads, songs and snatches ♪
♪ And dreamy lullaby ♪
♪ My catalog is long ♪
♪ Through every passion ranging ♪
♪ And to your humors changing ♪
♪ I tune my supple song ♪
♪ I tune my supple ♪
♪ Song ♪
♪ Are you in sentimental mood ♪
♪ I'll sigh with you ♪
[All Sigh Deeply]
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Sorrow ♪
♪ On maiden's coldness do you brood ♪
♪ I'll do so too ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Sorrow ♪
♪ I'll charm your willing ears with songs of lovers' fears ♪
♪ While sympathetic tears ♪
♪ My cheeks bedew ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Sorrow ♪
♪ Sorrow ♪♪
Thank you, Seymour.
Now, Miss Sixpence Please, would you kindly come along with me?
[Barker] Thank you very much.
Make haste. Make haste. Johnny.
[Gilbert] Thank you very much. [Tapping Cane]
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like to introduce you all to Miss Sixpence Please...
the young lady of whom some of you will have heard me speak with reverence and respect.
Thank you. Very good.
Kindly make yourselves comfortable. Please be seated. Thank you.
Ah, sir, my apologies. I've been neglecting you.
Would you like to come this way?
It's all right, Seymour. He can use your chair. Far more appropriate.
Here you are, sir. Be seated here. Very good indeed.
Pride of place, sir. Make yourself comfortable.
Cellier.
Yes, now - D'Auban!
Will you kindly withdraw to the side of the stage immediately?
- Johnny. - Thank you, Mr. D'Auban.
Ladies, will you take up your fans, please?
What I'd like you to do, sir, is to observe the proceedings.
Will you kindly give all your attention to the performance? Thank you.
Barker, what are you doing? Do you propose to join in?
- My dancing days are long over, Mr. Gilbert. - [Man Laughing]
Over, Barker, but not forgotten.
[D'Auban] Ladies, opening attitudes, s'il vous plaît.
From the beginning of the song. Counting two bars before, Mrs. Russell.
Thank you.
One, two. Two, two.
♪♪ [Piano]
♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl well can be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim with girlish glee ♪
- ♪ Three little maids from school ♪ - Fans.
♪ Everything is a source of fun ♪
♪ Nobody's safe, for we care for none ♪
♪ Life is a joke that's just begun ♪
[Laughing]
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
All fans rising slowly. And -
♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪
- [Gilbert] Stop! Thank you very much. - ♪ Come from - ♪
Now, Miss Sixpence - Carte.
I beg your pardon. Let me introduce our Japanese guests.
Ladies.
- Mr. D'Oyly Carte, our proprietor. - Sir.
- Please continue. - Thank you very much.
Now, Miss Sixpence Please.
That performance that you have just witnessed was not even remotely Japanese. Am I right?
Japanese.
[Speaking Japanese]
- Sir. Japanese? - Japanese.
- No. - No.
- Thank you very much. - Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert, sir, if I may.
- Japanese. - Japanese.
- Yes. - Yes.
He hasn't got the faintest idea what you're talking about.
- That's blatantly obvious, D'Auban. - [Laughter]
Allora, parlate italiano?
If he doesn't speak English, he's hardly likely to speak Italian.
- Is he, Mrs. Russell? For goodness sake! - I beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert.
- [Italian] - [Gilbert] Mrs. Russell!
- It's a waste of time. - Uh!
Now, if you three ladies would come with me, please.
Please go to the back of the stage. Thank you.
Yes, yes, come upstage. As quickly as you can.
- Come along, come along. - Thank you.
- [Mutters] - [Rapping Cane]
- Thank you. - Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed. One, two, three.
Very good. Thank you. Now, what I would like you to do...
when the music commences, I would like you to advance downstage.
Thank you very much. Cellier.
One, two. Two, two.
- ♪♪ [Piano] - [Gilbert] Off you go.
Come along. Come along. Can we get -
- Stop, stop. - Thank you, Mrs. Russell.
Will this take long? I'm to arrange a mazurka at 4:00.
It is apparent that I have not made myself clear.
Now, when Mrs. Russell commences playing on the pianoforte -
diddle-dum, diddle-dee, diddle-dee, diddle-dee -
what I would like you to do is to advance downstage.
Comme ça.
Diddle-dum, diddle-do, diddle-dee, diddle-dee.
- [Actors Laughing] - You understand?
- [Speaking Japanese] - I think you do.
Let's try once more. Cellier.
- One, two. Two, two. - ♪♪ [Piano]
Diddle-dee. Come along! Come along. That's it.
Very good. Excellent. That is exactly it. Thank you very much indeed.
Excellent. First-rate! Thank you very much indeed.
Good. Now, D'Auban, that is exactly what I want.
I do beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert, but I appear to have missed the point somewhat.
- That is the very effect I need. - And what effect exactly is that?
- Did you not see what they did? - Yes. They walked downstage.
They appeared to me to be ambling along the Strand.
[Jessie] Simply walking.
They walked downstage in the Japanese manner.
They walked downstage in the Japanese manner because they are Japanese.
Exactly. And that is precisely why they are here.
Our three little maids are not Japanese. However, they are very funny.
No funnier, however, than they would be if they all sat down on pork pies.
- [Actors Laughing] - Young feller-me-lad, Mr. Gilbert, sir.
I've arranged Terpsichore - Chinese, Japanese, everybody-wash-your-knees-
for pantomime, burlesque and the ballet for many a season, always to great acclaim.
D'Auban, this is not low burlesque.
This is an entirely original Japanese opera.
Now, Miss Bond, Miss Braham and Miss Grey, kindly resume your opening positions.
Please be seated once more. Thank you. Please be seated. Thank you.
Thank you.
Come along. Come along, tortoise. Quickly, quickly.
[Laughing]
What I would like you to do now is to perform it...
just as you have seen our guests perform it, thank you very much.
- Mr. Gilbert. - Yes, Jessie?
Would that be exactly as we have just seen demonstrated?
Exactly.
Without using Monsieur D'Auban's steps, Mr. Gilbert?
I want you to perform it precisely as you have seen our Japanese friends perform it.
Thank you very much!
Exactement. C'est pas difficile.
In other words, very slowly and very boringly.
One, two. Two, two.
♪♪ [Piano]
[Gilbert] Very good. First-rate.
- That is exactly right. Thank you very much indeed. - [Cellier] Thank you, Mrs. Russell.
I haven't laughed so much since me tights caught fire...
in Harlequin Meets ltchity-Switch in the Nitch.
[Seymour] Decorum in rehearsal, Monsieur D'Auban.
- [Women Laughing] - That's the way, yes. Very good indeed.
Closed. Then hit.
Try them together. Try them together. Try - Try together.
Three of them, do it all together - the same noise.
- [Gilbert, D'Auban] One, two, three. - [Fans Snap]
Ah! Excellent.
♪♪ [Orchestra]
[Fans Snap]
♪ Three little maids from school are we ♪
♪ Pert as a schoolgirl well can be ♪
♪ Filled to the brim with girlish glee ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ Everything is a source of fun ♪
♪ Nobody's safe, for we care for none ♪
♪ Life is a joke that's just begun ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪
♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪
♪ Freed from its genius tutelary ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ One little maid is a bride - Yum-Yum ♪
♪ Two little maids in attendance come ♪
♪ Three little maids is the total sum ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ From three little maids take one away ♪
♪ Two little maids remain, and they ♪
♪ Won't have to wait very long, they say ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
[Chorus] ♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ Three little maids who all unwary ♪
♪ Come from a ladies' seminary ♪
♪ Freed from its genius tutelary ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪
♪ Three little maids from school ♪♪
[Gilbert] Laughing. Ha, ha. Chaffing. Ha, ha.
Nectar quaffing. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
But condemned to die is he...
wretched, meritorious be.
The Mikado leads Katisha off.
[Murmuring] Upstairs.
♪♪ [Humming]
Thus. The traditional Japanese posture...
as adopted by well-meaning but misguided underlings...
upon the departure of their august superiors.
Thank you.
Would that be a recognized Japanese attitude, sir?
Not as yet, Grossmith, but I have every confidence that it will become one.
Much obliged.
I'm sure I've seen this on a vase somewhere.
[Barrington Laughs]
Jessie.
Thank you, Mr. Gilbert.
Ha! Pretty picture. Eh, Seymour?
Charming, sir.
The Mikado has left, Grossmith.
Well, another fine mess you've got us into.
No, Grossmith. My line is, "A nice mess you've got us into."
Nice mess.
And I should be much obliged if you would play it comme ça.
Well - a nice mess you've got us into.
Righto, sir.
- Well - - No.
"Well!" [Loud Clap]
Well -
a nice mess you've got us into...
with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree.
Mr. Grossmith, you are under sentence of death by something lingering -
either boiling oil or melted lead.
Kindly bear that in mind. Thank you.
Well, a nice mess you've got us into...
with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree.
Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude...
to a bald and unconvincing narrative.
No, Barrington.
"An otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative."
Was that incorrect? I - I do beg your pardon.
No, sir. It has only just occurred to me.
Oh.
To an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
- Much better. - "Corrobatitive" detail indeed.
Corroborative detail.
Corrobatitive.
- Corroborative. - Corroborative.
Thank you. Splendid.
Corroborative detail indeed. Corroborative fiddlestick!
And you're just as bad as he is with your cock-and-bull stories.
"Cock and a bull."
Cock and a bull -
about catching his eye -
- Line. - "And his whistling an air."
- And his whistling hair. - [Laughing]
Boiling oil, Grossmith. Melted lead.
Beg pardon, sir.
About catching his eye and his whistling an air.
But that's so like you. You must stick your oar in.
"You must put in your oar."
[Gilbert] Over again.
And you're just as bad as he is...
with your cock-and-a-bull stories...
about catching his eye and his whistling an air.
But that's so like you. You must put your oar in.
"You must put in your oar."
Over again.
And you're just as bad as he is...
with your cock-and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an air.
But that's so like you. You must put in your oar.
[Barrington] Yes, but how about your big right arm?
[Jessie] Yes, and your snickersnee.
Well, well, never mind that now.
There's only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet.
He must come to life again. At once!
- Appear! Appear! Appear! - [Everyone Laughs]
Yes. Now, since Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum have decided not to grace us with their presence...
it would transpire, Mr. Seymour, that your moment of glory has finally arrived.
[Chuckling] Oh, sir.
On your feet, Slopkins! [Laughs]
[Laughing]
Whence would you like us both to enter, sir?
The honeymoon couple appear at the upstage right entrance...
traveling in a westerly direction towards Knightsbridge...
when your journey is interrupted by Mr. Grossmith.
- Mr. Gilbert. - Jessie?
- Might I use my stick? - By all means. Are you troubled?
I'm quite all right, thank you. [Clears Throat]
- [Grossmith] Well, well. - [Gilbert] Well, well.
Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one thing to be done.
Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet.
He must come to life again. At once!
- [Clumping Footsteps] - Here he comes.
Here, Nanki-Poo.
I have good news for you. You're reprieved.
I beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert. I have failed to provide a valise.
Indeed, Seymour. And you have also failed to provide two actors.
Pray continue.
[Seymour Clearing Throat]
- Oh! But it's too late! - [Barrington Laughing]
I am a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.
Uncanny, is it not?
Mr. Seymour, please inform Mr. Lely that his services will no longer be required.
- [Laughs] - Thank you very much, sir.
Nonsense. A terrible thing has happened.
[Cockney Accent] It seems you're the son of the Mikado.
A terrible thing has just happened, Grossmith. You've become a cockney!
I thought one would suggest something of his lowly station...
being a cheap tailor and all.
Rubbish. We're in Japan, for heaven's sake, not Stepney or Bow. Do it properly.
Oh. Very well.
Nonsense. A terrible thing has happened.
It seems you're the son of the Mikado.
Yes. But that happened some time ago.
Is this a time for airy persiflage?
Persiflage, Grossmith.
- Is it? - It is.
Is this a time for airy persiflage?
Doesn't sound right to me.
Persiflage, mirage, fromage.
- Decoupage. - Exactly.
Your father is here, and with Katisha.
Katisha.
It amuses me to say Kah-tish-ah.
It doesn't amuse me, Grossmith. Nor does it scan.
My father? And with Katisha?
Yes. And he wants you particularly.
So does she.
[Murmurs]
[High-pitched Voice] Oh, but he's married now.
[Others Laughing]
[Grossmith] But bless my heart, what has that to do with it?
[Seymour] Katisha claims me in marriage...
but I can't marry her because I'm married already.
Consequently, she will insist on my execution.
And if I am executed, my wife will have to be buried alive.
[High-pitched Voice] You see our difficulty.
Yes.
- I don't know what's to be done. - Make as to leave. Stop him.
There's one chance for you.
If you could persuade Katisha to marry you...
she would have no further claim on me.
And in that case, I could come to life without any fear of being put to death.
[Grossmith] I? Marry Katisha?
I really think it's the only course.
My good girl, have you seen her?
- She's something awful. - "Appalling."
- Something appalling. - Ah, that's only her face.
Ah, that's only her face.
She has a left elbow which people come miles to see.
I am told her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.
Yes. Could we do that line again, please, Barrington?
And this time, try it in English.
I'm told her right heel is much admired by connoisseurs.
- That better, sir? - Marginally.
[Grossmith] My good sir...
I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's right heel.
Make as to leave. Stop him.
It comes to this.
While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit.
When Katisha is married...
existence will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
Tra-la.
Very good. Over again, if you please.
♪♪ [Orchestra]
- And! - ♪♪ [Continues]
Good.
♪ Bah, dah, dah ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bah ♪
- ♪♪ [Ends] - Thank you, gentlemen.
[Clears Throat] Not surprisingly...
we were somewhat foxed by the abbreviated restatement.
Uh, letter "A."
Discord bordering on cacophony. Second fiddles?
Indeed, Sir Arthur.
My mistake, Sir Arthur. I do beg your pardon.
- My error, sir. - I suspect we were a trifle early.
Indeed you were, Mr. Harris, and more than a trifle.
I really don't mind whose mistake it - [Coughs]
It was, Mr. Plank, as long as it doesn't happen again.
The entry is on the third beat of the bar, not the first.
- I think that's quite clear. - Yes, sir.
- It is, sir. Yes. - Very good.
And now, we return to Mr. Hurley.
- Good morning, Mr. Hurley. - Good morning, Dr. Sullivan.
- You was late, Mr. 'Urley. - [Musicians Chuckling]
- My profuse apologies to you, sir. - Thank you.
I assumed it to be an error on the part of the copyist.
The second beat of the previous bar...
appeared to me to be masquerading as the first beat of the next.
Most alarming. But it was not.
Oh, indeed not, for which I do apologize, Dr. Sullivan.
Mr. Hurley, once again - saving your blushes, Maestro -
Dr. Sullivan is dead.
Long live Sir Arthur.
Thank you, Mr. Cellier. [Clears Throat]
- Mr. Tripp. - Sir?
Owing to the somewhat tardy entry of Mr. Hurley...
- you quite understandably followed suit. - Absolutely, sir.
So assuming that Mr. Hurley does enter at the correct place, you will too.
- Assuming he does, sir, I will, sir. - [Sullivan] Very good.
- Thank you, Mr. Tripp. - Thank you, sir.
Capital. Uh, gentlemen, once more.
From the beginning, please.
I shall give you one bar.
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪ A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist ♪
♪ To nobody second I'm certainly reckoned ♪
♪ A true philanthropist ♪
♪ It is my very humane endeavor ♪
♪ To make to some extent ♪
♪ Each evil liver a running river ♪
♪ Of harmless merriment ♪
♪ My object all sublime ♪
♪ I shall achieve in time ♪
♪ To let the punishment fit the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
- ♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪ - [Fans Snap]
♪ Unwillingly represent ♪
♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪
♪ Of innocent merriment ♪
♪ The advertising quack who wearies ♪
♪ With tales of countless cures ♪
♪ His teeth, I've enacted shall all be extracted ♪
♪ By terrified amateurs ♪
♪ The music hall singer attends a series ♪
♪ Of masses and fugues and ops ♪
♪ By Bach, interwoven with Spohr and Beethoven ♪
♪ And classical Monday Pops ♪
♪ The billiard sharp whom anyone catches ♪
♪ His doom's extremely hard ♪
♪ He's made to dwell in a dungeon cell ♪
♪ On a spot that's always barred ♪
♪ And there he plays extravagant matches ♪
♪ In fitless finger-stalls ♪
♪ On a cloth untrue ♪
♪ With a twisted cue ♪
♪ And elliptical ♪
♪ Billiard balls ♪
♪ My object all sublime ♪
♪ I shall achieve in time ♪
♪ To let the punishment fit the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪
♪ Unwillingly represent ♪
♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪
♪ Of innocent merriment ♪
♪ His object all sublime ♪
♪ He will achieve in time ♪
♪ To let the punishment fit the crime ♪
♪ The punishment fit the crime ♪
♪ And make each prisoner pent ♪
♪ Unwillingly represent ♪
♪ A source of innocent merriment ♪
♪ Of innocent merriment ♪♪
♪♪ [Ends]
[Grossmith] Did I say "Come in"?
You are required in the auditorium, Mr. Grossmith.
- I requested five minutes' grace. - You have had eight, sir.
Mayn't it wait until tomorrow?
No, sir.
Thank you, Miss Braham.
- Is that everyone, Seymour? - All present and correct, Mr. Gilbert.
Good.
I won't keep you, ladies and gentlemen. I know we're all extremely tired...
and looking forward to getting home to our yawning beds.
[Chuckling]
Observations.
The use of fans, particularly in Act 1, was flabby and erratic.
- Very scrappy. - Indeed, D'Auban.
We shall address this tomorrow afternoon at 2:00, Seymour.
Two of the clock.
Ko-Ko's entrance. Mr. Kent and Mr. Conyngham.
Please ensure that you do not flinch at Mr. Grossmith's sword.
You must have confidence that he is not about to chop off your heads...
even if it may appear that that is your inevitable fate.
- [Actors Chuckling] - I take it, Mr. Grossmith...
that this evening's performance was an aberration.
Grossmith.
I beg your pardon, sir. Were you addressing me?
I was indeed, sir. How are you?
Quite well, thank you.
I believe a good night's sleep will cure all ills.
That I took to be the case.
Your performances were, on the whole, promising...
which is more than can be said, alas, for that of the sliding doors.
[All Chuckle]
One of which might have thought it was in Japan...
but the other was apparently stubbornly laboring under the misapprehension...
that it was on holiday in Yorkshire.
[All Laughing]
- Where was the man, Mr. Seymour? - Rest assured, Mr. Barker...
that tomorrow night he will be with us in Japan.
Capital.
Now, cuts. There is only one.
In Act 2, the Mikado's song.
- [Woman] I beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert. - Yes, Miss Brandram.
Surely you can't mean Mr. Temple's solo?
That is exactly what I mean.
- I do think that's a shame, sir. - It's a dreadful shame.
Hear, hear.
[Clears Throat] My - My dear Mr. Gilbert.
Temple.
I'm fully aware that the standard of my singing was not quite up to the mark.
Your singing was exemplary, Temple.
But I can assure you, that once I have mastered the leg business...
I shall most certainly be at liberty to serve the lyric.
I do apologize, Temple. I've not made myself clear.
My decision to cut the song in no way reflects upon your performance of it...
- which was fine in every respect. - [Sullivan] Hear, hear.
The fault, if there is one, lies in my obtuse decision...
to write the thing in the first place.
I have nothing more to say. Thank you very much. Sullivan.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen, uh, if I might presume to take a few more moments of your time.
I should like to thank you all most passionately...
for your tremendous hard work and application during these last few weeks.
And if I may say so...
the contribution of the chorus was particularly fine.
- [Cellier] Hear, hear. - I'm immensely proud of you all.
I do not wish to tempt the Fates...
but I feel that we will have a great success.
I have nothing further to add.
Mmm. Only remember - voce, voce, voce.
[Actors Chuckling]
- Buonanotte a tutti. - [Murmurs]
[D'Auban] Now then, young feller-me-lads.
On the whole, the Terpsichore was executed very "magnifiquely"...
notwithstanding the, uh, topsy-turvydom befuddling Mr. Ko-Ko's entrance.
Otherwise -
♪ In the sea, in the sea, in the sea in the sea, in the sea ♪
Fans out on "sea," not in.
Bonsoir.
Should any gent require a libation...
I shall be shortly located at the Coal Hole with Mr. Johnnie Walker.
- [Laughing] - [Carte] Thank you, Johnny.
Excellent. Bravissimi.
A splendid achievement.
Be confident, and may you have a good night's rest.
Miss Lenoir.
My thanks and congratulations to you all.
Now, to hasten you to your slumbers, cabs have been ordered...
and will meet you at the stage door as soon as you are ready.
Thank you.
Yes. Please share a cab with a neighbor. Remember, we are not made of money.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
- I felt so terrible. - Oh, so did I.
My heart broke for him. I can't bear to see a man cry.
- Was he crying? - [Woman] He was crushed.
- Really sad. - And he's so awfully funny.
There's people who only come to see Mr. Temple perform.
I agree.
My cousins are always asking about him. They've already purchased their tickets.
They'll want their money back now.
There are other people in this piece, apart from Mr. Temple, don't you know.
Yes. Well, he's hardly in it now, though, is he, Rose?
- He's playing the Mikado. - Thank you, Violet.
Oh, come along, Ellen. Be quick.
- Will you be long, Catherine? - No, I shan't.
- I wish there was something we could do. - Well, there ain't.
Mr. Gilbert's made his decision, and that's that.
With Mr. Gilbert, one never really knows. Particularly before a first night.
I suggest we all go home and get a good night's sleep.
Absolutely. I'm certainly off.
I think you should all button your lips and mind your own business. Good night!
- [All Laughing, Exclaiming] - Thoroughly uncalled for.
Good night, girls. I don't want to be late for supper.
- Good night, Bunny. - Bunny, you look charming.
- It's a fine comic song. - It is.
- He sings it splendidly. - He does.
And do you not conceive, gentlemen, that the paying audience deserves to hear it?
- I agree, Walter. They do. - Rotten luck for poor old Temple.
I'm not convinced it's as immortal a song as all that.
Nobody said the song was immortal, Mr. Lewis.
You were discussing it as though it were the Holy Grail.
Notwithstanding your reservations about the song, Lewis...
you must concede that it is a highly original performance.
He'd have done better to cut one of Grossmith's songs.
Mr. Grossmith is a little poorly, Mr. Lewis.
- Then he should have stayed at home. - I think it's a misjudgment.
- It is. - Someone should tell him.
- Tell who? - Gilbert.
- [All Exclaiming] - He's only a man like the rest of us.
He's not the devil incarnate.
I don't know about you, but he fair scares the living daylight out of me.
- What about us? - [Walter] Beg pardon, Price?
- Why can't we speak to Mr. Gilbert? - [Others Murmur]
We could all go together.
There's no reason why we shouldn't.
Is there?
[Lewis] Tell a man you admire his lyrics, he can only be gratified.
[Man] It's a splendid notion, Mr. Price.
- [Walter] Well, gentlemen, here's food for thought. - [Man #2] Indeed, Mr. Evans.
Gentlemen, I have been a chorister in this company for 28 seasons.
It is my intention to remain one for at least another 28.
- [Lewis] I'm sure you shall. - Be very careful, Mr. Price.
You must consider yourself and your position.
This is tantamount to professional suicide.
- [All Murmuring] - [Walter] That is a little excessive.
Gentlemen, let us repair to the Coal Hole in the Strand.
- [Conyngham] Don't be long, chaps. - [Others Murmuring]
I'd better go. Good night, gentlemen.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Take heart, old chum. - You're going to be wonderful.
- Quite so, Dickie. - [Carte] Indeed.
[Lely] Och, aye.
- [Helen] Is that not right, wee Durward? - Ah, he'll be grand, Helen.
This has taken us all quite by surprise.
Mmm. And we all know Mr. Gilbert.
I should have thought it was a fine song.
- It is a fine song. - Mmm.
Thank you.
[Helen] Is there anything we can arrange for you, Mr. Temple?
Hmm?
No, thank you, Miss Lenoir. I'll be fine.
- Well, it's very late. - Congratulations, Lely.
- First-class. - Ah, no. [Chuckles]
- Did you think so? - Oh, yes!
- Better and better. - Thank you.
Grazie, grazie.
- The Beefsteak? - I'm ravenous.
- Gentlemen, good night. - Good night, Helen.
- [Carte] Good night, Butt. - Good night, sir.
Dickie, courage.
Well, there you have it, Dickie.
He's an absolute bastard.
I knew something of this order was going to happen.
I sensed it. I told you so.
It really is unconscionably cruel.
You've missed your last train, Dickie.
It's too late to telegraph to Mrs. Temple now.
What'll you do?
Oh, I suppose I shall toddle across the river to my mother's.
She never sleeps.
"There's g'aye few like us...
and they're all dead."
My father used to say that.
Laughter.
Tears.
Curtain.
- Good afternoon, Bovill, Miss Langton-James. - Good afternoon, Mr. Gilbert.
- Good afternoon, Miss Russell.
- Good afternoon, sir. - Good afternoon.
Good afternoon. Gentlemen. Rhys. Good heavens.
- Afternoon, Mr. Gilbert. - Afternoon, Price.
Might you spare us a moment of your time, please?
Of course. That's why we're here. We're about to rehearse.
- Please, Mr. Gilbert, sir. - Yes, Price. What is it?
- We, uh - - Hmm?
The ladies and gentlemen of the chorus -
- [Whimpers] - Yes?
Concerning Mr. Temple's song, sir.
Ah. The Mikado's song.
Yes, sir.
And what of that mercifully released aberration?
- We all consider it a very fine song, sir. - Indeed we do.
Gratifying, I'm sure.
But that must be a matter of opinion, mustn't it, Price?
Well, yes, Mr. Gilbert, but -
- We believe it a great loss. - Terrible loss.
- Do you? - [Price] Yes, sir.
[Man] We do, sir.
Especially after all our extremely hard work...
and, of course, Mr. Temple.
I'm really very sorry for you, but, as we all know, it's an unjust world.
We all feel it would have been of great benefit to the opera.
And that perhaps it should be a matter for the audience to decide.
- Is this the considered opinion of you all? - [All] It is, sir.
- I am not party to this, Mr. Gilbert. - Ah, Mr. Kent.
As ever, the sole voice of reason.
Temple, what do you make of this, uh, occurrence?
I do beg your pardon, Mr. Gilbert...
but I have absolutely no idea what is taking place.
There's been a request that your song be reinstated.
Ah.
A most forceful request, I have to say.
[Grossmith] Afternoon. Afternoon.
Do clear the way. Oh. Beg pardon, sir.
This is surprising indeed, ladies and gentlemen.
Somewhat overwhelming.
Temple, will you be prepared to sing the song at this evening's performance?
Yes, sir. I would.
Then please be so good as to do so.
[Choristers Applauding]
- Hip, hip - - [Cheering]
Rehearsals will commence in five minutes. Seymour, where's D'Auban?
- Congratulations, Temple. - Thank you.
- [All Chattering] - Eh?
Right you are, Pidgeon. Come along! Make haste.
Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir, it's 7:00, sir.
[Lucy] There you are, Willie.
Willie? Willie!
[Pidgeon] The carriage is waiting, sir.
Sir?
- Out of my way, Pidgeon! - I do apologize, sir.
Willie! We must be leaving.
[Sighs] We don't want to be late.
- You look beautiful, madam. - Oh, thank you, Mrs. Judd.
- It's most pleasant to be appreciated. - Don't worry, madam.
- ♪♪ [Orchestra Tuning] - [Audience Chattering]
- Good evening, Cook. - Evening, sir.
- [Knocks] - [Grossmith] Come in.
- [Sullivan] G.G. - Arthur.
- Your very good health. - Yours too, Arthur. Splendid piece.
Thank you. We shall both be splendid tonight.
Too many words. [Chuckles]
- I thought I'd just pop in. - Much appreciated.
So very frightened of losing -
One had to stay by the door, don't you know.
Beg your pardon?
Fifty pounds per week isn't too much to ask.
Behaves more like a man than a woman.
G.G., try to remember to breathe properly.
Yes, yes, yes.
This year. Next year.
Too much noise.
George, shall we fetch you a doctor?
I know doctors.
Coming in here, picking and fussing over one.
Magnetizing the children.
We shall have a great triumph, you know.
What is the time, by the way?
- A quarter past. - [Moans]
The dreaded hour approaches.
Now. Take a deep breath.
[Inhales]
[Quietly] And again.
Very good.
- [Jessie] Who is it? - Gilbert.
- Oh, do come in. - [Leonora] Come in, Mr. Gilbert.
- A brief intrusion. - How are you, Mr. Gilbert?
As well as any condemned man can expect.
[Leonora Giggles]
How are you ladies?
A little anxious, Mr. Gilbert.
Ah! You have every right to be anxious under the circumstances.
I don't suppose you'll be with us this evening?
Indeed not, Jessie. Why on earth should I want to consort with the foe?
Oh, but I'm quite sure we shall have a great success, Mr. Gilbert.
I wish I possessed your confidence.
[Clears Throat] Well, Jessie, bonne chance.
- Thank you. - And you, tortoise.
Thank you, Mr. Gilbert.
Very good. [Clears Throat]
I shall put on my kimono now, please, Emily.
Oh, very well, Miss Braham.
- Good evening, Cook. - Sir.
- Is Mr. Grossmith respectable? - I'm afraid not, sir.
- We'll return later, George. - Oh, thank you.
- Good evening. - Sir. Uh, uh -
- [Knocks] - [Grossmith] No, Cookie!
- Gilbert. - Oh, beg pardon, sir.
- May I come in? - I'm in my birthday suit.
- Ah. Are we not receiving? - No, sir.
Good luck, Grossmith. And be careful with the sword.
Righto.
- [Grunts] Walk, boy! - Yes, sir.
Permission, Mr. Cook.
Permission withheld, sir. On your way.
Thank you, sir. Good luck, sir.
Five minutes, sir.
- [Carriage Wheels Rattling] - [Dog Barking]
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪ Miya sama, miya sama ♪
♪ On n'm-ma no maye ni ♪
♪ Pira-Pira suru no wa ♪
♪ Nan gia na ♪
♪ Toko tonyare, tonyare na ♪
♪ Miya sama, miya sama ♪
♪ On n'm-ma no maye ni ♪
♪ Pira-Pira suru no wa ♪
♪ Nan gia na ♪
♪ Toko tonyare ♪
♪ Tonyare na ♪
♪ From every kind of man ♪
♪ Obedience I expect ♪
♪ I'm the emperor of Japan ♪
♪ And I'm his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ He'll marry his son He's only got one ♪
♪ To his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ My morals have been declared ♪
♪ Particularly correct ♪
♪ But they're nothing at all compared with those ♪
♪ Of his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ Bow, bow ♪
♪ To his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ Bow, bow ♪
♪ To his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ In a fatherly kind of way ♪
♪ I govern each tribe and sect ♪
♪ All cheerfully own my sway ♪
♪ Except his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ As tough as a bone with a will of her own ♪
♪ Is his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ My nature is love and light ♪
♪ My freedom from all defect ♪
♪ Is insignificant quite ♪
♪ Compared with his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ Bow, bow ♪
♪ To his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ Bow, bow ♪
♪ To his daughter-in-law elect ♪
♪ A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist ♪
[Dog Barking In Distance]
- [People Chattering] - [Baby Crying]
- Get off. - Be good. Be good.
- What are you do - - I'm good. I'm good.
Take your hands off me!
Oh, don't rub your smell off on me!
- You stinking bitch! - [Muttering]
Just let me go, you cow!
Oh, you're a lovely big boy.
- How old are you? - Don't you touch me!
Who made the world, arsehole?
♪♪ [Orchestra Continues]
♪ The criminal cried as he dropped him down ♪
♪ In a state of wild alarm ♪
♪ With a frightful, frantic fearful frown ♪
♪ I bared my big right arm ♪
♪ I seized him by his little pigtail ♪
♪ And on his knees fell he ♪
♪ As he squirmed and struggled and gurgled and guggled ♪
♪ I drew my snickersnee ♪
♪ My snickersnee ♪
♪ Oh, never shall I forget the cry ♪
♪ Or the shriek that shrieked he ♪
♪ As I gnashed my teeth ♪
♪ When from its sheath I drew my snickersnee ♪
♪ We know him well He cannot tell ♪
♪ Untrue or groundless tales ♪
♪ He always tries to utter lies ♪
♪ And every time, he fails ♪
♪ He shivered and shook as he gave the sign ♪
♪ For the stroke he didn't deserve ♪
♪ When all of a sudden his eye met mine ♪
♪ And it seemed to brace his nerve ♪
♪ For he nodded his head and kissed his hand ♪
♪ And he whistled an air did he ♪
♪ As the saber true cut cleanly through ♪
♪ His cervical vertebrae ♪
♪ His vertebrae ♪
♪ When a man's afraid a beautiful maid ♪
♪ Is a cheering sight to see ♪
♪ And it's, oh, I'm glad that moment sad ♪
♪ Was soothed by sight of me ♪
♪ Her terrible tale you can't assail ♪
♪ With truth, it quite agrees ♪
♪ Her taste exact for faultless fact ♪
♪ Amounts to a disease ♪
♪ Now, though you'd have said that head was dead ♪
♪ For its owner dead was he ♪
♪ It stood on its neck with a smile well-bred ♪
♪ And bowed three times to me ♪
♪ It was none of your impudent offhand nods ♪
♪ But as humble as could be ♪
♪ For it clearly knew the deference due ♪
♪ To a man of pedigree ♪
♪ Of pedigree ♪
♪ And it's, oh, I vow this deathly bow ♪
♪ Was a touching sight to see ♪
♪ Though trunkless yet it couldn't forget ♪
♪ The deference due to me ♪
♪ This haughty youth he speaks the truth ♪
♪ Whenever he finds it pays ♪
♪ And in this case, it all took place ♪
♪ Exactly as he says ♪
♪ Exactly, exactly, exactly ♪
♪ Exactly as he ♪
♪ Says ♪♪
- ♪ For he's gone and married Yum-Yum ♪ - ♪ Yum-Yum ♪
♪ Your anger pray bury for all will be merry ♪
- ♪ I think you had better succumb ♪ - ♪ Cumb-Cumb ♪
♪ And join our expressions of glee ♪
- ♪ On this subject, I pray you be dumb ♪ - ♪ Dumb-Dumb ♪
♪ Your notions, though many are not worth a penny ♪
- ♪ The word for your guidance is mum ♪ - ♪ Mum-Mum ♪
♪ You've a very good bargain in me ♪
♪ On this subject, we pray you be dumb dumb-dumb ♪
♪ We think you had better succumb cumb-cumb ♪
♪ You'll find there are many who'll wed for a penny ♪
♪ Who'll wed for a penny ♪
♪ There are lots of good fish in the sea ♪
♪ There's lots of good fish good fish in the sea ♪
♪ There's lots of good fish good fish in the sea, in the sea ♪
♪ In the sea, in the sea, in the sea ♪
- ♪ The threatened cloud has passed away ♪ - ♪ Brightly shines the dawning day ♪
- ♪ What though the night may come too soon ♪ - ♪ We've years and years of afternoon ♪
♪ Then let the throng our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song and merry dance ♪
♪ Then let the throng our joy advance ♪
♪ With laughing song and merry dance ♪
♪ With laughing song ♪
♪ With joyous shout With joyous shout and ringing cheer ♪
♪ Inaugurate Inaugurate their new career ♪
♪ With joyous shout and ringing cheer inaugurate their new career ♪
♪ With laughing song and merry dance ♪
♪ With song ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Dance ♪♪
♪♪ [Ends]
[Cheering, Shouting]
[Cheering]
[Whistling, Applause]
Pish. Peep.
Mikado.
[Loud Cheering]
- [Applause Continues] - [Footsteps]
Ah!
- How bad was it? - Utterly dreadful.
A joke! I jest!
- And Grossmith? - A lamentable spectacle.
- Mmm. - Are you ready, Gilbert?
Ready for what - the gibbet?
[Applause Continues]
[Seymour] And full company.
Now, from the middle, bow.
[Seymour] Thank you very much.
[Enthusiastic Cheering]
[Audience] Bravo! Bravo!
There's something inherently disappointing about success.
Climax and anticlimax, Willie.
I don't quite know how to take praise.
It makes my eyes red.
It must be rather pleasant to receive it nonetheless.
I suppose so, if one feels one deserves it.
I don't think anyone would deny that you deserve it, Willie.
I know my limitations.
I should rather like to be an actor upon the stage.
- An actor? - Yes.
Wouldn't it be wondrous if perfectly commonplace people...
gave each other a round of applause at the end of the day?
Well done, Kitty! Well done.
- [Laughing] - Well done, Kitty! Bravo. Encore.
Thank you, Willie.
- Well, you must be tired. - Must I?
- I shall leave you to your beauty sleep. - No, don't go.
Any thoughts racing round in that old brain of yours?
Thoughts of what nature?
Concerning your next piece.
Ah! That monster.
No, not as yet.
Perhaps you should do something completely and utterly different and unusual.
- Such as what? - Oh, well, I don't know.
- Come along, suggest something. - Oh.
[Chuckles]
Well -
You should have a young and beautiful heroine.
Mmm.
Who grows old and plain.
As she gradually becomes older and older...
the ladies' chorus becomes younger and younger.
Ah. Topsy-turvy.
Yes.
And how would it commence, this comic opera of yours?
With the gentlemen's chorus, of course.
A chorus of fat leeches.
- Leeches? - Yes.
No, they'd be gentlemen, and they'd be in their carriages...
and they'd be rushing across the stage.
The horses would be galloping across the stage...
and the ladies would be chasing after them, endeavoring to talk to them.
But they wouldn't be listening. They'd all be far too busy.
Mmm. Expensive to stage.
And there'd be dozens of doors and ticking clocks on the stage.
And he's made a vow to give her the key, but he never does.
And who might "he" be?
Well, he's her husband, I suppose. The hero.
No, not the hero.
Anyway, one day -
No. Late one night...
she suddenly decides to try the door.
And it opens.
Ah, so it wasn't locked after all.
And she climbs up the stairs...
and there, on the sands, are hundreds of nannies...
all pushing empty perambulators about.
And every time she tries to be born...
he strangles her with her umbilical cord.
Hmm.
I shouldn't imagine Sullivan would much care for that.
I'm proud of myself...
triumphant, exhilarated...
exhausted, revived...
and fed up to the back teeth with these wretched kidneys.
Poor old thing.
Arthur, an old demon has come back to haunt us at a most unwelcome time.
What on earth do you mean?
Oh.
I didn't want to tell you.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
How long have you known?
Ten days.
Oh, Fanny.
I shall make the arrangements.
That won't be necessary.
I couldn't go through that again.
I'm sorry that you have to.
I've made my own arrangements.
Have you?
Someone has been recommended to me.
After all, it is 1885, Arthur.
I love The Mikado.
You've put everything you are into it.
You light up the world.
You can't help it.
I must fly.
"Yes, I am indeed beautiful.
Sometimes I sit and wonder...
in my artless Japanese way...
why it is that I am so much more attractive...
than anybody else in the whole world.
Can this be vanity?
No.
Nature is lovely...
and rejoices in her loveliness.
I am a child of Nature...
and take after my mother."
♪♪ [Orchestra]
♪ The sun, whose rays are all ablaze ♪
♪ With ever-living glory ♪
♪ Does not deny his majesty ♪
♪ He scorns to tell a story ♪
♪ He don't exclaim I blush for shame ♪
♪ So kindly be indulgent ♪
♪ But fierce and bold in fiery gold ♪
♪ He glories all effulgent ♪
♪ I mean to rule the earth ♪
♪ As he the sky ♪
♪ We really know our worth ♪
♪ The sun and I ♪
♪ I mean to rule the earth as he the sky ♪
♪ We really know our worth ♪
♪ The sun ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Observe his flame that placid dame ♪
♪ The moon's Celestial Highness ♪
♪ There's not a trace upon her face ♪
♪ Of diffidence or shyness ♪
♪ She borrows light that through the night ♪
♪ Mankind may all acclaim her ♪
♪ And truth to tell she lights up well ♪
♪ So I, for one, don't blame her ♪
♪ Ah, pray, make no mistake ♪
♪ We are not shy ♪
♪ We're very wide awake ♪
♪ The moon and I ♪
♪ Ah, pray, make no mistake ♪
♪ We are not shy ♪
♪ We're very wide awake ♪
♪ The moon ♪
♪ And I ♪♪
♪♪ [Ends]