[typing sounds]
Meow.
* Deck the halls with boughs of holly, *
* fa la la la la la la la la... *
* This the season to be jolly, *
* Don we now our...
Mmm, no.
That song makes my tail hurt.
Deck the halls?
Deck me in the face.
* I want a hippop Now that's a Christmas song.
Hello, hi, how are you?
Welcome to Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever.
The movie.
You don't have to watch it
but I know you're going to, so.
If you do you might be treated to
high speed car chases.
[sirens wailing]
Meow, meow!
Out of my way buddy!!
Pull over, Grumpy!!
We've got you surrounded.
Huge explosions.
Boom.
Bang.
That was huge.
A hero in a leotard and cape who saves the world.
And who doesn't look like a puppet.
At all.
* Anyway, I only mention those things to get your hopes up.
That way I can enjoy your disappointment
when you realize this movie is just a sappy melodrama
mostly about me, Grumpy Cat.
You're welcome.
God, this is already annoying.
Anyway, our terrible story begins here.
At this big thing called a mall.
It's a soul sucking bastion of consumerism
which serves to drain people's bank accounts
and alienate them from the true meaning of life.
In other words I love it.
Look at me, see?
See? Can't you tell that I love it?
I love it because it's evil, okay?
This is where I call home.
Customer!
Choose me! Choose me!
I never get chosen.
Grovelers.
They all think some human is going to walk in here
and purchase one of them.
Ha!
Welcome to Whiskers, where the animals don't bite...
Unless provoked.
Humph!!!
Over here, pick me!
Don't buy into the hype about snakes!
That's Carla.
The happiest snake on the planet.
So, you know, already not a big fan.
I am totally cool, promise.
Hey lady!
Over here!
I'm cuter!
Plus I chew chair legs, shoes, leather purses.
Darn, almost had her.
That's Jacky.
He's super hyper and super annoying,
plus he's a dog, so...
I don't like him.
You can ignore them, madam.
I'm well bred and well read.
I can even talk.
Hands in the air, sucker!
So, that's Wilson.
A very stupid parrot.
Oh, did I mention that I'm easy to clean up after?
All I require is a newspaper subscription for the mess
I make in my cage.
Wait, where are you going?
Oh drat.
Not going to happen, people.
We're all going to die in here.
Hey, check out this spin class of one, lady!
See these hamster hamstrings?
They're like sinewy pistons of steel.
That's Lance.
He looks like a rat but I guess he's a gerbil,
a gym rat gerbil.
Woo, work it down, work it up!
Take it up, work it back!
Work it down, work it up!
Take it up, work it back!
Me, I don't want to leave.
I'm grumpy right where I am.
Better not to get your hopes up.
Told you, she's just buying fish food.
Grumpy, you are a jerk.
And you, honey, are delusional.
At least we weren't returned twice like you, Grumpy.
Twice.
All she does is frown.
And all he does is whine about it,
am I right mom?
She does seem a little grumpy.
Can I trade her for a fish?
As if that bothered me.
I never even think about those people.
I'm a superstar.
*
Super model, super dog, super hair, super fur.
*
Oh, I just love me.
What the heck are you?
A science experiment gone bad?
More like a science experiment gone right.
Check out my beautiful locks, they flow like a waterfall.
Woosh!!
Freak.
Customer!
I'm available!
Customer, over here!
Choose me, choose me!!
Hi, you must be Marcus.
I'm Gill Brockman, your new mall rep.
What can I do for you?
There's just the small matter of your rent being in arrears,
deadbeat.
Uh, did you just call me a deadbeat?
Deadbeat? No, of course not.
[chuckles]
Loser.
Okay, now I heard you call me a loser.
Why would I call you that?
I don't know.
Because you haven't met your financial obligations
in a timely manner and I'm going to evict you?
Wait, what?
Are you saying I could lose my terrible home?
Gill, I can assure you I will have your money
by the day after tomorrow.
Thank you, Marcus.
You're a saviour.
You are seriously behind, how do you plan to do that?
You see this cat?
Who, me?
I plan to make her the most famous internet meme
of all time.
Work it, show me sexy.
Now show me danger, just like that.
Show me fierce.
Jubilation.
Overjoyed.
You're a little girl on a spring day.
Sushi.
Lots of sushi.
I'm a natural.
All we need is a picture of Grumpy saying something like
uh I had fun once, it was awful.
[laughs]
I mean, you put that on the internet thingamabob
and that is sure to go viral.
Her face will launch a thousand products.
Everything from t-shirts to coffee mugs.
After that, TV appearances and oh, I don't know, maybe
a Lifetime movie.
You are a genius!
Like any of that would really happen.
Me? Become an internet celebrity?
I mean, wouldn't I need to have some sort of talent
like this guy?
*
Or this weirdo?
Or whatever this is?
Yeah, I can't do any of that stuff.
So, I'm revising the previous scene, okay?
You are seriously behind, how do you plan to do that?
With this dog.
Hi there.
Oh, is that what you are.
He just happens to be the most expensive Leonberger
in the world.
Let that sink in, kitty cat.
Someone would actually pay for you?
He's worth a million dollars, whoops.
Shut the front door.
Shut the back door too.
Shut all the doors.
A million? Really?
With an M?
That sounds like a MacGuffin to me, whatever that means.
I call that a bargain.
I should be worth a billion, with a B.
Buh.
I've got a buyer and guess what that money
is going to put me back in the black.
[air guitar sounds]
Why didn't you say that in the first place?
I think the words you're looking for are thank you.
Yeah, the press are coming by this afternoon
and they're doing a big story on how he saved Whiskers.
Yeah.
Then I guess we have nothing else to discuss.
Too de loo.
Merry Christmas!
Loser.
What did you say?
What did I say?
Merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Deadbeat.
Um, we didn't formally meet.
I'm Jo-Jo.
Oh, my name is I don't care.
Oh, yes.
Wait a minute, that thing gets the prime real estate?
Oh, this is where I belong.
In the spotlight for all to see.
Go ahead, feel free to take photos.
Selfies are extra.
What am I, tuna tartare?
I've never had that spot.
And I've been here the longest!
Maybe it's because you don't smile.
Brat.
Time to meet our awful movie's heroine.
There she is, look at her.
Hahaha!
With second billing behind me,
Aubrey Plaza as Grumpy Cat.
This is Crystal.
Humanity's last hope on a dying planet.
Oh, I'm sorry, too much?
Alright, she's an evolved organism with a heart of gold.
My least favourite trait but facts are facts.
And this story is nothing if not factual.
You know, like Santa Claus.
Hey Roger!
Hello Crystal!
You're fat.
You're not exactly anorexic.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Yo Mat, what's up?
Living the dream.
Hey Monica.
Hey Crystal, how was school today?
[raspberry]
Ola, Alejandro.
Como estas?
Feliz Navidad!
Here's your turkey and swiss, Wiffledorf.
I will be Jesse again in a few hours when I get off work.
Oh, you'll always be Wiffledorf to me.
Ouch.
Speaking of which my feet are killing me.
Any chance you can use your in with Santa
to get mama a new pair of shoes for Christmas?
Blah, blah, blah, b-story, not my line, not my line,
not my line.
Meow.
I would but Santa and I are not on speaking terms right now.
What? Why?
Guy's a slave driver.
Always on our backs.
You would not believe the working conditions.
Really?
Two words. Sweat shop.
So, I've actually led a revolt to unionize the North Pole.
Will you get it worked out before Christmas?
I hope so.
For the tots.
Dude, are you ever going to eat that sandwich?
Mmm, is that turkey?
But that's not to say that a certain little elf
wouldn't love to build you a new pair while he's on strike.
Be careful flirting with me.
Last time that happened it ended
in a spectacularly awful divorce.
Huh.
Have you given any more thought to the party tonight?
Everyone's coming.
You mean, like the other elves?
The Cinnabon crew?
That's exactly who I mean.
All the cool kids.
Come on, stupid Christmas games, ugly sweater contest.
Oh, just say yes already mom.
The poor guy's been trying to ask you out for a month.
Alright.
Yes!
I'll go.
But only if you come with me.
Ulgh!
Fine.
But don't try and pull anything, I'll be watching.
Crystal.
I've got to go I'm late for work.
Hang on.
We talked about you making some friends at your new school.
How's that going?
Great, today I totally nodded to the girls locker next to mine.
Does that count?
Totally try harder.
Okay. Can I go now?
Isn't she a little young to have a job?
Oh, that's just what she calls it.
She's helping out at the pet store.
I just wish she hung out with some actual people
for a change you know.
One's her own age preferably.
Probably just needs time.
This will be her first Christmas without seeing her dad.
Ah.
The dirtbag.
Don't forget your sweater.
Meow.
Oh yeah, when I smell it it makes me feel like
I'm actually in Paris.
It's our most popular seller.
And then there's George.
AKA the Ladykiller.
Well, if only I had a special lady friend to give it to I...
Hey, did you hear about my latest bust?
No, sorry.
What, are you kidding?
Everyone's talking about it!
Oh yeah, the perp was 14 but he was big.
I mean, he had you know man muscles.
Obviously he pumped iron, of course so do I.
Anyway, something about his behaviour didn't add up
he was lingering around the fancy jean section too long
and between you and me he didn't look like the kind of kid
who could afford them.
Is that profiling?
Well, maybe. Did it work this time?
You bet your butt it did.
Well, the minute those jeans went
into the knapsack it was on.
I mean, he tried to get away but obviously I'm pretty agile so.
George, thanks for visiting but I need to take my break.
Oh yeah.
Oh, sure of course hey man
you've been on your feet all day.
I'll go prevent some crime.
Okay. Okay.
No rascal today, George?
Hey, Crystal.
How many times have I told you it is an ARV
or for those people not in the biz,
(Both): Asset Recovery Vehicle.
But don't you need it to chase bad guys?
I'm leveling the playing field.
Let them think they have a chance.
But we know they don't!
That's right.
* You want that money baby,
* that's right you know who got it. *
* Got so much money baby, can't even close my wallet. *
* Hanging on Sunset daily
* yeah I can take you shopping... *
Hi!
I'm Crystal.
We have fifth period together?
So?
Well, I was thinking we could maybe put together
like a study group or something.
It could be a lot of fun.
Yeah, that sounds awesome.
I'll definitely RSVP no to that.
Do we look like a bunch of nerds?
What a dork.
As if we actually need to get smarter.
Ah, the youth.
They'd better hope to marry rich.
And then there's Zach and Donny,
the future of our great country.
Think she'll like it, Zach?
As if you value my opinion.
God help us all.
It's band issues.
It's nice, I just can't have the fiancee of Dragon Tail's
lead singer wearing something so...
Dainty?
Yeah, dainty.
Dainty!
Show me the biggest rock you got.
We did just sign a major recording contract.
* You know you want it!
* You know I got it!
* This ain't no -
Dude! We're in the middle of a thing!
Oh, you don't like my singing?
Surprise, surprise.
Now is really not the time, Zach.
I have just the thing.
And it's big.
It's 8,000.
That's it?
Well, we're not exactly Tiffany's.
Dude, what is with all the angst?
I wanted to be the one pretending to get married.
But everything has to be your way,
just like what songs we sing in the garage.
Because I'm the frontman with the golden voice.
* Yeah!
And you're the bass player with the fat fingers.
I do not have fat fingers.
Anybody can do this.
Oh, that's me?
Oh, you're doing me right now?
Oh, yeah well no one shreds killer base solos the way I do.
Pow!
* Boom, boom, boom, boom!
* Boom boom!
* Yeah!
* What!
Never mind.
Good luck trying to find someone
who can do that on our upcoming tour.
Hello.
There's not going to be a tour.
We hit that jewelry store we're looking at 50 G's tops.
You can't get a bus with that.
Well, how are we going to bring our music
to our audiences?
Did you ever in your wildest imagination think
that a dog would be worth one million dollars?
Well, a Leonberger this rare and with championship bloodlines
well that makes it truly one of a kind.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah, that's one trippy looking dog.
Hey, want to see him run?
Oh, we'd love to see him run.
Come on.
There you go folks, this is a million dollars running down
a hallway.
Meanwhile, Crystal found herself wandering amid the shoppers,
past the kiosks, hoping to make sense of what it is
to be a little girl who though gentle and kind to all
is shunned by her peers.
I think somebody could use a caramel machiatto
with extra whip.
[sighs]
Well, that sounded like the weight of the world.
You're not Roger.
What gave it away?
I know, I'm just filling in for him while he picks up his mom
from the airport.
The sleighs in the shop.
I usually work Westbrook Mall but you know,
us Santa's try and help each other out.
Well, it's nice to know that you Santa's of the world
are still decent to your fellow human beings.
Wow, that's depressing.
Where's your Christmas spirit?
Some people are mean for no reason.
And they get a lump of coal in their stocking.
Luckily, people like you get special compensation
from people like me this time of year.
Is that chocolate?
No, are you kidding me?
That's a magical Christmas coin.
I hand them out to people who would otherwise
have a crappy Christmas.
I buy them online from magicalchristmascoins.co.uk/canz.com
Because this is so much better than a sweet computer.
Yes.
Or a bike?
That is correct.
Or anything?
Duh. Infinitely better.
Look. Make a Christmas wish.
All you do is you make a wish and you toss it into a fountain.
Any fountain will do.
You could use a toilet bowl in a pinch.
Does that work?
Yeah, it's a wishing well.
Should work just fine.
Thanks but I don't really...
Believe in mall Santa Claus's?
That's not to say that I judge you for wanting
to make a little extra money over the holidays.
Look, you don't have to believe in me
but what you do have to do is
put your wish out into the universe.
You can't claim it if you can't name it!
I got that from the Easter Bunny.
Or is it Tooth Fairy?
Whatever, it was at a convention.
Anyway, what do you say, Crystal?
How did you know my name?
Lets just say your name's on the list.
Did Jesse put you up to this?
Look, wish first then coin.
That's what it says in the instruction booklet.
Oh, and if your wish rhymes
you get extra Christmas mojo.
That's really corny.
Corny's good.
Corny's my stock and trade.
I do corny very well.
Just give it a try.
You do realize this is just a little girl
humouring an old man right?
That's awesome.
For my Christmas wish I wish...
I wish I'd meet a friend,
one who listens to me and on whom I can depend.
Happy?
Santa dude?
I can see you right there.
No you can't.
Yes I can.
No, it's not me.
I'm magical.
Dumb.
Never works.
Customer! Customer!
Customer!
Bird for sale!
Customer!
Hey Grumpy.
Hey hey, I like those boots girl.
Yeah, you looking good.
Oh, very funny Corben.
Oh, hey Crystal.
Yeah, he's here for the rest of the week folks so come on by.
I've got a really big sale on hamsters and snakes,
although not necessarily together though
because that would be bad for the hamster.
You wouldn't really eat me, would you Carla?
But of course not.
I am a gopher snake.
You look nothing like a gopher.
Really?
Phew, that's good to know.
Alright. Thanks!
Customer!
Over here!
Hey, Mr. Crabtree.
Hey Crystal, say hello to Jo-Jo.
Hey boy.
He's beautiful, isn't he?
Beautiful?
On what planet, Planet Ugly?
Meow.
Yeah, he's also got a buyer which means
Whiskers will be staying open for a long time to come.
You know, if it wasn't for him we would be out of business.
You're a superhero, Jo-Jo.
Yeah, he's the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
I'm not going to lie to you,
it's been hard since I lost my Shirley.
She was my rock, my world, my everything.
Truth is I, uh, I've neglected this place.
But it's only because I've been in so much pain.
Ugh, I'm in so much pain listening to your sob story
I wish you'd put me to sleep.
This is animal cruelty.
Do the humane thing, give me the gas.
Who is saying that?
Saying what?
I thought I heard somebody say that they were in so much pain
from listening to your sob story
that they wanted to be put to sleep.
Huh.
Well, forgive me for sharing.
No, I didn't mean!
I mean, I didn't say.
Excuse me, I need to go find a suitable carrier for Jo-Jo.
Made of gold I presume?
Meow.
It's you!
Who, me?
Say that again.
Okay, I don't know what's happening here
but I don't like it.
You are talking to me.
What are you, some kind of blond witch?
You can't understand me!
I heard all of that.
No you didn't!
Yes, I did!
Well, stop it!
You stop it!
You stop it, witch!
Are you having a conversation with the girl?
Tell her I'm available.
And apparently on sale.
Ooh, let her know I'll repeat any stupid thing she wants.
My skin sheds!
Will you shut up!
You shut up!
It's cool.
I talk to the bird.
Hands in the air, sucker!
Yeah.
I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to them.
Wait, you can talk to the animals too?
Ugh, don't act high and mighty
just because you're at the top of the food chain, honey.
But I can only hear you.
Well, that's a good thing, trust me.
I'm the only one worth listening to.
They're all very stupid and annoying.
I'm not annoying.
I'm awesome, and full of energy!
I can play non-stop for hours and hours
and hours and hours!
Oh God, calm down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, watch the fur!
Meow.
Okay Grumpy Cat, why can I suddenly understand you?
Um, why are you asking me?
You think I want people knowing how I really feel about them?
Believe me, that's the last thing I would wish for.
Wish.
I tossed a magic coin into a wishing well and made a wish!
Okay, I'm embarrassed for you.
You are a loser.
But I wanted a person, not a cat.
Hey, look at the freak having a conversation
with the little kitty.
Having a nice chat with your cat?
[laughing]
Oh, you rhymed chat with cat.
Very smart.
Except you're terrible human beings.
Meow.
I need to talk to Santa.
There's a line and no cutsies, North Pole...
Policy...
A Porsche?
A real Porsche?
Roger?
What's up? I have customers.
Yeah, he's got customers.
And we're not going anywhere until he hears our entire list.
(Santa): Us Santa's try and help each other out.
But Roger, I thought you had to pick up your mom
at the airport for the holidays?
Actually, I live with my mom.
So do we.
She's a really good cook.
You don't have to believe in me but what you do have to do
is put your wish out into the universe.
Roger, do you know the Santa from the Westbrook Mall?
Westbrook closed awhile ago for renovations.
Everyone knows that.
Are you dumb or something?
(Both): Haha! She's dumb!
I hate my life.
Crystal had been mesmerized by a magic talking
distractingly beautiful cat,
whose telepathic communications not only troubled her young mind
but also drew her like a moth to a flame.
Back to the origins of this great mystery.
Problem is she also promised to go
to Jesse's stupid Christmas party.
[applause]
Oooh... No!
Tabby, Handerpants!
You know you want them.
One of a kind!
No shower gel dispenser!
No!
No.
Oh, I'm going to have to go with the fruitcake!
Nice get, but you completely missed these.
My awesome set of seaworthy salt and pepper shakers.
You dog, you were hiding those.
Hell no, Jesse.
Salt and pepper shakers.
What?
[laughter]
The price of greed, my friend.
Come to me, Crystal.
You are powerless to resist me.
Meow.
Your turn, Jesse.
I'm just going to take that fruitcake.
Oh, you wouldn't!
I did.
All's fair, all's fair.
You don't even like fruitcake.
Nobody likes fruitcake, just come on.
Let it go.
Fine.
Handerpants, please.
Why are the Cinnabon employees always the last to leave?
Because they're up all night
making those delicious sticky buns.
Oh.
They should really lock this.
Yeah, but then we wouldn't be able to -
Stop.
Okay.
[whispers] Grumpy!
Meow!
Did I scare you?
What gave it away?
My scream of sheer terror or the puddle of pee?
And lower your voice,
I don't want those other freaks to wake up.
Don't even think about it.
Yeah, Paul Blart!
Oh! Oh!
Oh! No!
You're making a big mistake!
Where are the master keys?
I will never tell.
We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
Oh, hey lets do it the easy way.
They're right on the hook over there.
Oh, is it these ones?
[muffled]
That sounds a lot like yes so I'm going to go with that.
[laughter]
* You know you want it!
* You know I got it!
* This ain't no...
Haha, you were great man.
[muffled] Hey! Hey!
What are you doing here anyway?
Trying to figure out what the heck is going on with us.
What's going on is that you're bothering me.
I was sleeping.
How did you even get in?
Reveal yourself, witch!
You stole the key.
Borrowed!
Don't give me that look.
What look?
That look of judgement you're giving me.
This is my look of tacit approval.
Well, whatever.
We really need to figure this talking thing out.
Okay, but it's worth pointing out you really screwed up
your big wish.
Why wouldn't your first choice be an unlimited supply of tuna?
[classical music] ***
Another, mademoiselle Grumpy Cat?
Oui, oui, just keep them coming until I pass out.
Because I don't like tuna?
Huh, your loss.
David Lee Roth, Gary Cherone or Sammy Hagar?
Oh, it's not even an argument.
Sammy Hagar is clearly Van Halen's best lead singer.
What?
Gary Cherone blows that hack away.
Most people don't even know who Gary Cherone is.
How dare you minimize his contribution.
Oh, he was the lead singer for one very forgettable album.
That's a weird cat.
You're weird.
Meow.
Huh, yeah.
Hey, there he is.
[snoring]
Wow, freaky looking and a terrible guard dog.
Oh, time for a walk?
Whoa, this is awesome.
They're stealing the dog.
I love these dudes.
Okay, not only is Gary Cherone the better vocalist
but I bet my favourite amp he could totally beat Hagar
in a kung fu fight!
Oh, I'd take that bet.
Seriously?
Alright, all we've got to do is get them in the same room.
We can't let them steal Jo-Jo!
Just to play devils advo-cat,
what if we let them steal Jo-Jo?
It's dead!
I don't care about that.
They left their keys!
Okay, freeze.
At this point things could have gone two ways.
The fast way which goes like this.
I raced out of the pet store with Crystal in tow
and knowing that precious moments were ticking away
like a ticking time bomb I flew like the desert wind
toward a building that looked official.
Again with Crystal in tow, where I alerted the authorities
to the crime in progress.
Within moments the culprits were apprehended.
Ow, that really hurt!
You're welcome, police.
Okay, that's enough.
Me and my sidekick who barely did anything
were hailed as heroes, thank god for me.
But that would mean a pretty short movie
and a lot less advertising revenue so luckily,
and through no persuasion on my part, it went like this.
They left their keys!
Put those back, they're going to need them.
But if they steal Jo-Jo,
Whiskers will go out of business.
And?
And this is the only place where I don't have to worry
about being accepted.
Uh, so?
I can just be me.
I'm sure you can get the same warm and fuzzies
at the library.
But if Mr. Crabtree has to close
do you have any idea what that means for you?
I'm sure he'd take me in.
I'd make a fine house cat, I know I would.
Yeah, because you've had a lot of luck with that.
Please, Mr. Crabtree, don't do it.
Don't do it Mr. Crabtree!
No!
You're a horrible man.
[sirens wailing]
(Cop): Freeze, kitty cat.
Hey man, I'm innocent!
It was the other cat, the calico with the lisp!
What about that one, daddy?
She looks like the kind of cat -
Who would make the best pet ever?
That would smother you in your sleep.
Lets keep looking.
That's a pretty one.
Don't worry, it's not going to hurt.
This is way too dark.
No!
Well?
Oh, I'm alive. Great.
Can I have some more time to think about it?
No.
Alright, fine.
I'm back, what's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening,
I just rolled around in some catnip and I'm ready to go.
Lets do this!
There they are, Donny and Zach.
They are psyched!
They just stole a million dollar mutt from Mr. Crabtree's store.
Nice.
[laughter]
That was easier than getting a record company
to listen to our demo.
Bro, we are going to get so much bank for this pooch.
Yeah!
Woo!
That's why I'm the captain of this ship
and you are the matey.
Are we pirates?
What?
Are you saying we're pirates?
No.
I'm the guy, and you're the guy behind the guy.
Like if this was Nirvana I would be Kurt Cobain
and you would be the bass player with the really long name.
Can't it be more like Cliff Burton,
James Hetfield kind of thing?
You know like, I'm one and you're the other.
Where are my keys?
They're not here.
Oh, good job Kurt Cobain.
Nice looking out, Zach.
What?
How is this on me?
Because you're supposed to be the lookout guy, right?
You're supposed to be looking out for stuff like this.
I hate you, you know that?
I'm going to start my own band
and I'm going to call it Tail of the Dragon.
You can't do that, my band is Dragon Tail
there's going to be some serious market confusion.
Oh, well I already legal zoomed it, so.
Ouch!
Sweet Caroline, that was my finger plucking hand.
What the heck are you doing?
I was going to hot wire your car.
Hey, do you know how to do that?
Oh, no.
But it's easy, I saw it on TV.
You just take...
zzz, with the wires.
Don't ever touch my car again!
Okay.
I know where my keys are, they're on top of the fish tank.
Why didn't you tell me that before?
Come on, man!
My hand really hurts!
At that very moment Crystal and I were wracking our brains
trying to formulate the perfect plan for a daring rescue.
And then it came to me.
How about this plan,
we let them steal Jo-Jo and then we nap.
No, you're coming with me.
Oh, great.
Who's doing the kidnapping now, huh?
You're as bad as them!
Quick thought, you should take Carla.
A snake is a lot scarier.
I'm not scary, I am fun and I am charming
and I like long slithers on the beach.
Lets go, we need to find security.
Move your dumb butt.
Yuh oh, off screen voices of bad guys.
Hey, that's weird.
I swear I put my keys right here.
Why don't you ask that sad cat,
he was watching the whole time.
Yeah, that's really helpful Zach.
Look at the fish following my fingers.
I'm the fish whisperer!
Where is that cat?
[Christmas music] ***
Hmm, wonder if they know they're not the only ones here.
We're not the only ones here.
Aliens.
Come on.
[Christmas music] ***
At least I'm getting some cardio.
[Christmas music] ***
What do we do?
Uh, I'm thinking you know give up?
Let the failure wash over us?
[Christmas music] ***
Does this mean stop or go forward?
Everybody knows this means stop.
Oh, everybody?
Hey, stop!
I like this place.
Hey, maybe we'll bag a deer later.
Just keep an eye out.
I may be grumpy but I'm still a cat, okay?
My focus is exceptional.
Whoa!
Oh man, thought that was my mom.
Who puts a grizzly bear in the middle of an aisle?
I hate nature.
Hey, check it out.
Did you hear something?
Um, yeah.
The sound of your heart beating through your chest.
Oh, shiny little fishies.
Yum num num.
Shiny little fishies, shiny little fishies, ah, got ya!
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
Look, look, wait hold on.
Meow!
Ow.
Hey, over there.
Are you trying to get us caught?
Hello?
I'm sorry, it bit me.
You turned on the Christmas village
like one scene ago, hypocrite.
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Stay here.
Right, you get the s'mores, I'll start the hot chocolate.
Actually I'm going to use you as a decoy.
Wait a second, that sounds bad for me.
Just sit here and look bored to death.
Yeah, yeah, play to my strengths.
I get it.
I just want my keys, yo.
We know you have them because you've been running
from us and that makes us point the finger at you.
We're not going to hurt you!
But only if you give them up now
because later is going to be too late.
Yeah!
We'll be a lot madder then.
Why are you doing that?
Shh!
[clangy sounds]
Ah! Gotcha!
Hello, gentleman.
What's that weird cat.
I'm a decoy.
This isn't about me.
Bye bye.
Dude, grab him, he stole your keys.
Stole your keys?
Did you really think that through?
I have no thumbs.
Come here, kitty kitty.
Nab him, yo.
Ow!
Well, I'm out of here.
Ah!
It's too noisy in here!
Ow!
Dude, we got to get outta here!!!
Meow! Meow! Meow!
So sorry to interrupt.
We may be taking some creative license
with what actually happened here.
Get out of here, British Grumpy Cat!
Oh, real Grumpy.
Don't be absurd.
They don't even make paintball guns for cats.
Craft departments do.
Die, bad guys!
Meow! Meow!
Die!
I overstayed my welcome obviously.
Toodles, I'll be in your head.
Meow! Meow!
We're going to die!
Dude, if we can get through Stairway to Heaven
without any mess up we can do anything
and that includes getting out of this.
I have an idea.
Hurry back!!
Meow, meow, meow!!!
Hey, where's the dog?
Oh, I'm out.
Adios muchachos.
Oh, how the hunted becomes the hunter.
* Yeahhhhhhhhhhh!
Donny!
I'm coming for you, big guy!
* Ahhhhh!
(Both): Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
That looks like it hurts.
Because it does.
Coming for you, paintball vigilante!
As soon as I pull this arrow out of my bros foot.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Hey, you get back here.
Which way did he go?
Oh that looks bad.
Come on!
Terrible Movie, She Wrote.
By Grumpy Fat.
Oh crap, damn it.
Never mind.
Chapter 4.
Meow! Meow!
Villains peppered with paint and on the hunt.
Which way did he go?
A million dollar doggy on the loose.
You'll never get me!
A courageous Crystal hides the dog nappers keys
as the witty kitty continues to quip.
Isn't that where all dreams go to die?
It'll have to do.
And this guy pulls up in his car.
Wait a minute, what's the landlord guy doing here?
Red herring?
Or plot point?
You decide!
[panting]
Hello there.
Lets wrestle!
Yum, yum, yummy.
Ugh, stop it.
You're kissing me to death, stop it!
Stop it!!
Hey.
Hi ho.
You're that expensive dog.
My reputation precedes me.
What is this, a jailbreak boy?
Uh huh, yeah.
Come on.
UGH!!!!
Later gators!
Gotcha!
What is your problem?
Our problem?
How would you like it if we shot you with a paintball gun?
Mmh-mmh.
I wouldn't.
Of course not!
Because it hurts!
And it isn't nice.
I'm glad we can agree on that.
Can you let me up now?
What did you do with my car keys?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Zach, punch him in the face.
What?
Mmm.
What?
My hand still hurts from punching your car
and these are my money makers.
We haven't made a dime from our music yet.
Well why don't you punch him,
you don't even play an instrument.
My voice is an instrument, you hit him.
Hit him!
Okay!
Ow! Ow!
Oh man, I think it's broken.
I think it hurt me more than it hurt you.
No, I don't think that's true at all.
So, are you going to tell me where my car keys are
or are we going to have to amp this up?
I don't know anything about your stupid keys!
Wait!
Honestly guys, I just came back to get my laptop
out of my office.
It's not really an office, it's more of a cubicle.
Oh god!
That is quite the drop.
[whimpering]
Jail break! Jail break!
Jail break!
George!
[muffled talk]
Well, somebody finally figured out a way to shut him up.
[muffled talk]
You're going to regret that.
Ow!
Oh, oh my god.
There's scissors there.
Are you okay?
What happened?
These two guys jumped me while I was rewriting
the policies and procedures hand book.
Here we go.
I think they had ninja training but I drop kicked the first one,
and then I hit the second one in the Adam's apple.
Do you have a half hour, Crystal?
Because I don't.
And that's when they pulled their guns, big ones.
And everybody knows that I'm a tough guy
and I'm ready to throw down with the best of them
but I am smart enough to know that I am no match
for a bullet.
Well, they're trying to steal Jo-Jo!
What's a Jo-Jo?
Super dog, super hound, super model...
Hi!
That's Jo-Jo!
Back so soon, gorgeous?
Yeah well, those guys were ignoring me.
A dog?
Why would they try to steal a dog and not some diamonds
or something from the jewelry store?
Mmm, that feels good.
Well, he's worth a lot of money.
How much money?
A lot!
Yeah, a lot.
And now they're after me because I stole their car keys!
I'm what's stopping them from getting away!
12 year old girl thwarted the robbery.
Hey, she couldn't have done it without me.
George, we have to call the police.
We can't, they pulled out the phone lines.
But don't you have a cell phone?
Well, they took it.
Well, what are we going to do?
Wait a minute, how did you get here?
My bike.
Okay, here's what we're going to do.
We're going to get you back to your transportation,
then you go for help.
Come on, and oh you've got a little kitty there.
Alright.
And here, I'll take care of the dog and the mall
until the cops arrive.
Is there a bathroom here?
Are you sure you don't want to come with me?
Oh no, Crystal, I took an oath to protect this place
and that is exactly what I'm going to do.
Oh.
[crying]
Guys, I swear, I didn't have anything to do
with shooting you!
And frankly, I want you to steal that dog.
No, seriously.
My company wants to get rid of that pet shop
and put a Club Chicken in there.
I love those sweet chicky nuggets!
See?
So, it's a win win.
I'll look the other way, I never saw anything,
you guys were never here.
Donny, can I have a word?
He sounds pretty convincing.
I'm starting to think maybe he's telling the truth.
Because I am telling the truth.
You, shut up.
It's cool, I'm sorry.
What did I just say?
I think you might be right.
Hell ya I'm right.
Why do you think I'm right?
I just realized if he was the one shooting us with paintballs
wouldn't he have paint residue on his hands?
No residue, I'm clean.
You're like a one man CSI team.
Okay, so here's the thing.
Donny and I talked and it looks like
this whole thing has been a big misunderstanding.
Hey, no hard feelings.
Are you sure?
Because I did punch you in the face and I threatened
to throw you over the railing.
That's already forgotten.
Oh, I feel guilty.
Don't. Honest mistake.
Awesome.
You are awesome.
We should totally kick it sometime,
what are you into? Oh, frisbee golf!
Zach, do you want to wrap it up?
If he's not the guy that means there's another guy.
Where's the dog?
I thought you had him.
Do I have to do everything?
Oh, like lose the keys?
Just go get the dog.
What are we going to do about him?
As much as we'd like to let you go,
we can't.
Oh.
Shh.
Some are born great, others achieve greatness
and some watch Christmas movies starring cats.
I think you know who you are.
Meow.
What were you doing in the mall this time of night anyway?
This is going to sound really crazy.
Try me.
It's stupid.
Come on, I'm a good listener.
Well, I can't believe I'm going to admit this
but I came to talk to the cat.
The cat?
Yes, the cat.
I thought you said you were a good listener, George.
We understand each other.
With the way things have been going in my life right now
I can't say that about too many people.
My dad left my mom for a barista,
he barely calls anymore.
Last time he did he said they were talking about
getting married and starting their own family.
Wow.
Divorce can be tough, especially on a kid.
But a cat? Really?
She wasn't my first choice.
Um, I'm right here.
But we have a connection.
We can communicate in our own way,
and I know it's weird
but there's something kind of great about her.
Oh, don't get sappy on me.
Wait, I forgot, it's a Lifetime movie, you can.
I wish I had a friend.
Law enforcement, it's a lonely business.
Occupational hazard I suppose.
See, there's the schmaltz I was looking for.
You kind of feel for the big guy, huh?
I'm glad we had this talk, George.
Oh yeah, me too kiddo.
You know, you just you've got to hang in there that's all.
Okay, look.
Here is your stop,
I can take it from here.
Hey, don't forget your cat huh?
Thanks.
How about another walk?
Or a chew toy.
What, you're still here?
I am so not going to miss you.
Forget you, forgot you, never thought about you.
Be safe, George.
I live for safety, Crystal.
Oh hey, real quick, when the cops come
where should I tell them you put those keys?
[telephone ringing]
Huh.
I thought you said they took your phone?
Oh yeah, this is awkward.
I thought they did too but oh I'm so embarrassed,
must be from the concussion from when they hit me on the head.
You never said they hit you.
Oh, I left that out well you know it all happened so quick.
Well, this is great.
We can call the police now right?
We're not calling the police, Crystal.
George, you devious scoundrel!
You're the brains of this operation, aren't you?
Look, I've got to say I totally saw that coming
but you didn't huh?
Where are the keys, Crystal?
How could you do this, George?
Well, that is a long, complicated story
which we can get into another time.
Ow! Ow!
Oh!
Ow, how did this escalate so quickly?
[telephone ringing]
Mom? I can't talk right now, I'm at work.
Yes, yes, I need a ride home.
I need a ride home every time,
why must we have this conversation every single,
every single time.
Here doggy doggy doggy!
[cell buzzing]
Oh, hey boss, what's up?
Oh hi, I'm just checking to see how everything's going.
It's going great, we're like a well oiled machine.
This plans full proof.
Nailed it.
Really?
Well, aren't you the least bit curious
as to how I can be talking to you on the phone right now
when I'm supposed to be taped to a chair.
Well, that's a very good question.
Well, see this nice little 12 year old girl untied me.
Well, that was cool of her.
The same girl who took your keys.
That's impossible, the guy who stole our keys
was probably an ex-Navy Seal or something.
He shot me in the butt.
You should have seen the way he handled the paintball gun.
It was a child, you idiot!
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
UGH!!!!!
[groans]
You okay, George?
Okay.
I'm starting to think that based on all the times
that I busted you guys around here for stupid stuff,
combined with the debacle of what happened tonight,
I don't believe that you are cut out for a life of crime.
I think we're good at it.
Whose idea was it to steal the dog?
George, it was a way bigger score.
I didn't need a bigger score,
all I needed was enough money for a downpayment on a house
for when I retire next month.
But now thanks to you two numbskulls
a 12 year old girl is leading your bigger score out of here!
So.
We should probably...
Prevent her from doing that.
Now.
Mmmhmm.
Oh, now.
I think he might be angry with you.
And the winner of worst Christmas sweater goes to,
master of the chicken quesadilla,
Taco Gigante's employee of the month Alejandro Rodriguez!
[applause]
Congratulations, I knew you had it in you.
Speech!
Thank you JC, thank you Academy and thank you family.
Aww!
You know, life is like a soft taco.
If you dig inside the meat --
the protein of your choice
and the salsa added to your specification
of mild, medium or caliente you find the strength to stand tall
and triumph in the face of adversity.
Meow!
[speaking in Spanish]
Back off familia, he's mine.
Sorry you didn't win worst sweater.
I was robbed!
Here's the truth, I was going to choose you
but I didn't want everyone to think that the only reason I did
was because I like you.
Even if that's just some line you're using
to lower my defenses, totally worked.
Yeah.
My backup plan was to impress you with my electric log.
You do have one nice log.
[laughs]
But seriously, it's actually a nostalgia machine.
Yeah, it invokes a bygone era.
A simpler time of pure ideals, asbestos,
leaded paint.
Cheez Whiz.
[laughter]
Thank you for inviting us.
Of course.
I'm glad Crystal's here.
You know, the divorce
has definitely made her more introverted
and she needs to go out and do things.
Take some risks.
Uh oh!
Give it up, kid!
Is this the end of the line for Grumpy and Crystal?
Will our heroes finally succumb to a villain so evil
even evil isn't evil enough to describe him?
Am I going to keep asking questions?
I will if it annoys you.
Come back and find out.
Are you still on the edge of your seat?
Is the dramatic tension too thick?
Are you still here?
You are? Why?
Whatever, back to the story.
Bum bum bum bum.
Boom boom boom boom bwaaa, dun nun nun nun nun!
Lets check in to see if I'm down to eight lives yet.
Oh wow, shocker, I'm still alive.
Grumpy Cat didn't die in her own movie.
What?
Yes, I know, it's not just about me.
Stop it, ow that hurts!
George, this isn't right!
What's Mr. Crabtree going to do?
Oh gosh, Mr. Crabtree.
I totally forgot, what is he going to do?
Wait, I remember.
He's going to pay me a lot of money
to get that stupid dog back.
Ha, high five George!
No!
You're a jerk!
Yeah, who leaves someone hanging?
Come on.
I'm the jerk.
Me, the guy who fooled everybody
by pretending to be a big blowhard
when in fact he was just lulling them all
into a false sense of complacency and trust.
That's right.
Me, the jerk?
Who rode around this mall in that stupid scooter
enforcing the law but the whole time all I was thinking about
was breaking it.
That jerk?
So, are you still pretending to be a big blowhard or what?
Jerk.
I don't think so.
Pffft!!!
Mastermind.
Oh yes.
Oh no, yeah, you're a limp short of being Keyser Soze.
Now, about those keys.
Yeah, those keys.
About them.
I forgot where I put them.
Oh man, what are we going to do?
We're screwed!
She's lying, right?
Obviously.
Oh.
That's very convincing.
Okay, you and you go find a nice piranha
or scorpion to play with.
Is he serious?
Alright, now listen to me.
I'm not fooling around anymore, Crystal,
I mean I'm out of patience.
Now, you tell me where those keys are
or somebody is going to get hurt.
You wouldn't really hurt a little girl, would you?
What do I look like?
A nut job?
I'm greedy, I'm not evil,
which I think is important to point out
are two completely different things.
One is the foundation of our economic system
and the other, you know just bad.
Okay, I'm not really following you but.
I'm not going to hurt you, Crystal.
I will however hurt the cat.
Whoa, what? Me cat?
Don't!
Now, what was it you said about the cat being your best friend?
So sweet, it really tugged at my heartstrings.
Which would make it all the worse
if something bad were to happen to the little guy.
Grumpy.
First of all, I'm a she.
Why is that so hard to grasp?
And second of all, pfft he's bluffing.
I'm not scared.
Now, I'm going to give you three seconds to tell me
where those keys are or I'm going to put the kitty cat
in the trash compactor.
No!
Whoa, he's not bluffing!
He's not bluffing!
He's petting me way too diabolically.
Tell him Crystal, you've got to tell him!
One!
I threw them in the wishing well!
Oh god, thank you.
Haha.
Look at this huge frog.
We're on it.
Lets go, Patrick.
See? That wasn't so hard, was it?
Look, I never thought I was in danger okay?
It's my movie after all and I'm sure
the Lifetime executives are already thinking sequel!
Like Grumpy's Worst Vacation Ever, Meowii Style.
Anyway, since you're still watching this for some reason
I thought now would be a perfect time
to see if you're interested in my new product line!
Like Grumpy Cat golf balls, or the Grumpy Cat dartboard.
And for the ladies a sure fire hit, Grumpy underwear.
To see what else is new this season please visit
www.GrumpyCats.com.
Please be grumpy when you do it.
Grumpy people only.
Nice kitty.
Kind of odd looking, though.
I don't see your face on any holiday cards.
Come on, lets get you something to eat.
Stay!
So, anyway that's how the story ended.
The bad guys made off with the overpriced freak dog
and evil triumphed over good.
So sad.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it people,
this happy, sappy Christmas story had taken an ugly turn.
Things were looking grim and poor Crystal,
she was looking lower than a cat caught in a rain storm.
Can you blame her?
Once again she'd been let down by someone,
her faith in people was shaken.
Wasn't there anyone to step forward
in this desperate moment to boost her spirit,
to make her feel like not all humanity
was rotten to the core?
Don't look at me, I don't do motivational, sorry.
That's Happy Cat.
I'm Grumpy Cat.
But truth is I dug down deep and consulted my inner grump
and realized that it was time to help a kid
I was actually starting to care about.
Are you crying, Crystal?
No, I'm allergic to cats, what do you think?
Okay, I'm going to let that one go.
Come on Crystal, just talk to me.
Why? What's talk going to do?
I can't change anything, especially people.
I try to make friends, Grumpy.
I try to see the good in everyone,
I stupidly even thought that George was my friend.
Nope! Never was!
See?
I just feel like my life will always be a disappointment.
I know what that's like, okay.
Trust me.
Having been bought and returned a couple times I get it.
Can I trade her for a fish?
It makes you feel like there's no love in the world.
It makes you feel, well, grumpy.
But you're different, Crystal, you're full of love.
What good is love if nobody gives it back?
That's how we feel too, every day people walk in here
to coo over the puppies and the rabbits
and the Jo-Jo's and ignore us.
True dat!
Spot on, Grumpy!
Preach it, sister!
Freedom!
So, you know what?
Contrary to the sign on the door we're not pets,
I mean until somebody takes us home and cares for us
and loves us we're just animals.
Yup.
Well said.
Just animals.
And reptiles.
And as far as I can tell humans are no different.
You're actually making me sadder.
Okay, well it's your low point, deal with it.
But what I'm trying to say is you are loved.
Your mom loves you, look at her, she loves you.
Taco guy loves you.
That guy loves you.
Who is that guy?
Even your dad loves you.
Why? Because you're the amazing you.
And that is why I've decided to adopt you.
That's right.
You're now on Team Grumpy whether you like it or not.
In fact, from this moment on you're all on Team Grumpy!
[cheers]
Team Grumpy!
Uh, can we call it something else?
And this team is going to win.
Wearing Grumpy t-shirts and Grumpy baseball caps
and Grumpy glow in the dark buttons, am I right?
Boo, Team Grumpy sucks!!!
I don't want your swag.
Shame on you, Grumpy.
Shut up!
Every team needs a sponsor, come on.
Do you really think we can still do something to save the store?
Do I?
There must be a million ways to stop these idiots.
I just haven't thought of one yet.
Oh man.
No shocker there.
Cats blow!
Okay, wait for it, people.
I'm building here.
We implore the fates to smile upon this ragtag assembly
of freedom fighters.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers.
Come on fates.
Oh, it's open.
Well, look at that.
Let me at em!
It's clobbering time.
Good show, now you're talking G Cat.
Meow.
Thank you, Grumpy.
Time to get scary.
Oh, not me.
No.
I'll undo the young ladies binds.
Piece of cake, really.
Hey mom, yeah, a friend is going to give me a ride.
No.
No, you don't know him.
Yeah, I met him at the mall.
Shh, I'm going to enjoy this.
He might like pot roast.
I like pot roast.
Alright, I'll ask him if he likes pot roast.
Pot roast?
Oh, count me in.
He's got to drive the speed limit.
I'm, you know, wearing my badge right?
What else am I going to do?
Surprise!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Wee!
Slimy, slithering...
[Barking]
Oh hello, aren't you cute.
I smell crotch.
Yeah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Let go! Let go!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Let go!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Well, I hope he didn't want children.
Holy crap, they're possessed.
Get back, get back all of you!
Ow! Ow!
Give me that!
How'd you get free?
With a little help from my friends.
Ho-Yaaah!!!!!
Hands in the air, sucker!
Bawk!
Oh, give me that.
You're 12 years old.
This isn't your day, Crystal,
and it isn't your day either you dumb animals!
This is George's day!
Come on!
What about the snacks?
We did it!
Yay!
Victory!
Um, did anyone notice he still has the dog?
Blast, you're right.
Take back the yay.
Oh, how fortunate.
[Christmas tune being played out of tune]
That was truly awful.
[applause]
We should take kazoo caroling door to door, no?
I wouldn't.
Neighbours called, they think you're Satan.
Satan. Santa.
Same letters switched around.
Interesting.
And which one are you again?
There's only one way to find out.
La, la, la, la, la, get a room.
[telephone ringing]
Meow.
Sorry.
It's okay.
[telephone ringing]
If you're selling I'm not buying.
Mom, it's Crystal!
Whose phone is this?
George and those two other morons
are trying to steal Jo-Jo!
Slow down, who's Jo-Jo?
He's a really expensive dog!
Wait, wait, where are you?
At the mall!
What are you doing at the mall?
And what are you doing not in the other room?
I came back to see Grumpy.
Hey mom.
Because she can talk to me.
I am so confused right now.
Mom, just get here quick.
Call the police and Mr. Crabtree.
I can hold them off until you get here.
Wait, Crystal, no you have to leave there right now!
Gotta go!
Hello?
Excellent, the plot is finally coming together.
That moment of literary alchemy when smoke turns to fire!
Now, if only I could remember where I put my mousey toy.
of the Serengeti. to Catvent
Shh, we're on safari!
Watch the female hippo follow the male hippo
into the watering hole.
Soon, the two will batter each other with their snouts
in a splashtastic mating frenzy.
Oops, sorry that's my other show, um,
also on this network and available on demand.
Anyway, Crystal.
Hiyeah!
Bad guy.
This is George's day!
Some dog.
I like pot roast.
And me.
Um, did anyone notice he still has the dog?
And now back to our show.
We can't let them get away with Jo-Jo.
Dude, I have like $8 here already.
What's with all the pennies man, people are so cheap.
Hey!
Oh hey, George, we were just coming for you.
What the hell are you doing?
Be awhile until I get another parking ticket.
Look at all this coin, man.
Ow.
Will you two knuckleheads freaking focus,
where are the keys?
Right here, man.
Ow.
Good thing you didn't go commando, right?
Yeah, because somebody did a crappy job
tying up the little girl.
Should I name names?
Does it start with a Z?
Or a D?
Can we just get out of here?
Now!
Yay, we're going to save the day.
I'm going to call Crabtree tomorrow
and I'm going to state our terms.
State our terms!
Alright, when we get the buyer to pay up
do you two idiots think that you can handle the exchange?
Hell yeah.
Where are you going to be?
Well, my timeline has changed.
I'm leaving tonight.
And by the way, guess who gets to drop me off at the airport?
As long as you chip in for gas.
You could pay us back, bro. It's no biggie.
Oh no, we're too late!
[car starting]
Grumpy?
Don't question this, just hop in sister!
Grumpy, are you serious?
Of course I'm serious, look at my face!
Buckle up.
But you're a cat, how are you going to...
How is this even possible?
You can't even reach the pedals!
Thanks, you had to say that.
Is this not my movie?
Why couldn't you just go with it?
Okay, that never happened.
This did.
Oh no, we're too late!
We'll never catch them on this!
Lets take the Camaro!
I don't know how to drive!
Don't worry, it's like riding a bike
but everything is different so you have to be careful
or you could die.
Why not.
Try the visor.
Aha!
How did you?
We are in a movie!
Punch it.
Come on, come on, they're getting away.
Meow!
[Christmas music]
Did we die?
Am I in heaven?
Is my brother Arturo here?
Arturo?
Oh my god, what did I do?
Ha, something I've been wanting to do since Thanksgiving.
But maybe we should try going forward this time.
[tires screeching]
Could you have parked any further away?
We scored the shade tree, we never get this spot.
It's night!
And what's with the clown car,
could it be any smaller?
Hey, I'm reducing my carbon footprint.
Hey, I'm going to put a footprint right up your -
Meow!
I promise you a car chase and I'm delivering a car chase.
Yeah!
I'm driving!
I can't believe I'm driving!
Those are doors!
I know that!
This is the moment where we're going to blast
through this wall of glass
as a hail of crystal shards rain down on our triumphant,
heroic figures.
Okay, so here's the deal.
We had every intention of shattering that thing
but unfortunately we didn't have the budget for it, okay?
Not my problem.
This is great.
Is everybody comfortable?
I'm actually a little cold.
Turn the heat up, my man.
Don't mind if I do, old chap.
It kind of smells in here.
How'd you morons fit all your band equipment
in this puke bucket anyway?
Oh, have you ever played Tetris?
It's kind of like that.
But not anymore because we're getting a tour bus!
Tour bus!
What the?
It's Crystal!
Aw, why didn't we take the Camaro?
Lets dance, clown car!
That's it, Crystal.
Surround them in a circle of death.
Oh god, I think I'm getting sick.
We need to find a way in.
Crystal?
Whoa, meow!
Meow!
We've got to stop them.
Pass them on the left.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
This is awesome.
What is this kid doing?
Meow.
[tires screech]
Wow, have you done this before?
What do I do, Grumpy?
This kind of throw down requires nerves of steel.
And a better soundtrack.
[upbeat disco tempo] ***
Ugh, I said better.
[western tempo] ***
Okay good, thank you, that's more like it.
*
Time to finish what we started.
*
Are you ready?
*
Just go!
Step on it and don't flinch.
[tires screech]
This is so cool!
Why did I let you talk me into this?
Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
[tires screeching]
Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
For those of you who are keeping score
we did have enough in the budget to destroy
that cheap piece of scenery.
Yes!
Uh, Crystal?
Uh, crash positions!
Meow!
Grumpy, no!
Grumpy?
Grump, talk to me.
Meow!
Please talk to me.
Meow!
Grumpy, no, no, no, no, please.
You're my only friend.
I need you to say something, anything.
Gotcha.
You jerk!
Haha, I can talk.
Please, like the Lifetime execs would blow their chance
for a sequel with the internets biggest cash cat.
Meow.
Hey, watch the hair.
Ow, you're being very aggressive with my money makers, man.
You heard me, I'm a fellow officer.
I'll take that, thank you.
Oh hey Crabtree, thanks for coming.
Ow!
Lets go!
Ow! You're hitting me!
That was assault.
They did it! They did it!
I didn't do anything!
I'm an undercover cop.
Crystal.
Mom, Jesse!
Thank god.
So glad you're okay.
Hey, where's the concern for me?
You had me worried.
I'm fine.
Those guys didn't do anything to you, did they?
That's a different kind of Lifetime movie,
if you know what I mean.
No, mom.
Did I see you driving a Camaro?
Yeah, but for the record it was her idea.
Is this the cat you said talks?
I knew you wouldn't believe me.
It's okay, the good news is
there are people who can help you.
We will get you the treatment that you need.
Mom, just forget I said anything okay?
I thought you wanted me to make friends,
you just never told me with who.
Meow.
Alright.
I don't care.
You are a good kid and I love you.
I love you too.
I love you, meow.
And I'm going to tell you something
you probably didn't know.
When I was your age
I had an invisible friend,
so at least yours is real.
I knew it, Crystal's mom's a loser.
Thanks, mom.
She deserves an elf.
Hey there, little lady.
Hey, Mr. Crabtree.
Crystal, you saved Jo-Jo and you saved my store.
Yup, she sure did.
You're like a hero.
But you also stole my key and broke into the store.
Yeah, about that.
So, to pay for the damage
I'm going to have to dock your pay.
But you don't pay me.
Right, well then I could make you employee of the month.
Really?
Well, there's only the two of you
and to be honest Corben's kind of useless.
Wish I was kidding.
What?
Thank you so much.
Ugh, all this sweetness is killing me.
Literally.
Or is it figuratively.
Either way I don't like it.
Hello?
I could use a little help here.
Hello?
Come on!
Alright.
Come on, slowpoke.
I'm coming!
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I guess Santa didn't come this year.
Why do you say that?
Because I didn't get what I wished for.
Which was?
I was hoping I would get to adopt Grumpy.
Alright, surprise, it's me!
Merry Christmas.
Grumpy!
Yeah, yeah, surprise.
Hey!
Oh god.
Hey girl.
Merry Christmas!
All right, lets take it slow okay?
This is the best Christmas ever.
Sure, go ahead, ignore the title of my movie.
[knocks]
Merry Christmas!
Hey!
Looks like Santa brought me a present too.
Does she mean the coffee or the elf?
Hahaha, good one Grumpy.
This is going to take some getting used to.
Meow.
Ho, ho, ho.
So, remember, make your Christmas wish
and old Saint Nick will
Beat it, tubs.
Alright everyone, put your Grumpy faces on and sing.
* Jingle bells, Christmas smells, *
* and it's really dumb. *
* Worse are movies about Christmas *
* so I hope you all are glum. *
[screams] Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
Ha ha!
"Have a very Grumpy Christmas.
It's the most terrible time of the year.
Bah Humbug.