The colossal Kevin O'Shea goes back to pass.
Sees his little brother Danny downfield.
The rush is on. The ball is in the air. The crowd is going wild.
Danny catches the ball. He's at the 10, the 20, the 25.
It looks like he could go all the way.
The O'Shea brothers are about to win the championship.
Oh, there's a fumble. Danny got it. Hey, Kevin, wait up.
How many touchdowns you gonna throw me? I'll bet it's at least 50, maybe 100.
- What time was Mom gonna pick you up? - She's not picking me up.
She said I could spend the day with you. Isn't that great?
Yeah. Great.
- Okay, spaces or laces? - Spaces!
- Come on! - Go!
- Come on! - Spaces!
- Laces. - Laces, daddy-o.
- I'll take Butz. - Yes. It's over.
- Stein and Rip. - Yes.
- Pinski. - Yes.
- McCormick. - Yeah.
- Ralphy. - Yes.
- Mouse. - Yes.
- Moritti. - Yeah.
All right. Let's play some football.
Hey, Danny, the ball. Give me.
I must be pretty bad if my own brother won't even pick me.
- Danny, look at it my way. - I stink and you know it.
You're perfect, and I stink. That's it. The end.
No, that's not it.
It's just that I'm so good it makes you look really bad.
- Are you trying to cheer me up? - Yeah.
- It's not working. - See, I stink at something too.
Give me the ball. I'll score a couple touchdowns for you.
We kick off. Stand back, baby.
Hi, Danny.
Hi, Patty.
- Aren't you playing today? - No, I'm on the injured list.
Hey, Danny...
...see that water tower?
One day our name's gonna be up there in big letters.
The O'Shea brothers.
We're gonna own this town. You and me, buddy.
Dig. Dig. Dig. Dig. Come on, people. Show me something.
Move it! Move it!
Are you kidding, people? It's called sweat. Show me some. Move. Move.
Come on, gentlemen. Suck it up. Suck it up!
- Faster. - Looking good, coach.
- Oh, baby, now we're talking. - Yeah.
All right. Everybody, back up. Back up. Give him room. Give him some air.
Nice pop, Icebox.
Thanks, Uncle Kev.
- Is he dead? - Well, he ain't moving.
- You killed him, Icebox. - Hey, Rudy, you okay?
Oh, Rudy.
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Are you nuts?
It's still good.
You'll never get anywhere treating your helmet like a lunch box.
- What is that? - Cheetos.
- Crunchy or puffed? - Puffed.
Wimp.
Everyone from here over, go with Coach Butz.
Everyone from here over, come with me.
- Come on! - Let's find out who's gonna make this team.
- My mom made that! - Move it.
Set. Go.
Go.
- Oh, man. - Next time.
- Fifth one he's booted. - Hands like frying pans. Set. Go.
Why are you doing this to me, fellas?
I cut your nails, wash you, put gloves on you when you're cold.
Hey, Hanon, you ever catch anything? Ever?
Caught a cold yesterday, Murph. Here, have some.
Gross. Gross. Get off of me, you little dork.
Speed:
The distance gained divided by the time of travel.
You clowns want to play football, you gotta move.
Ready.
Come on, Tad. Go, Tad. Come on. Dig.
What is this, a telethon? Ready.
Next.
Eight point five. Excellent, Briggs.
- How did I do? - I don't know. I don't have a sundial.
Back in line.
Hey, Icebox...
...you look like a boy and play like a boy.
Do you pee standing up?
No, when she's hot to trot she's still gotta squat.
- Get off. I can't breathe! - That's the whole point.
- Becky, let him go. - I can't breathe.
- Get away. Come on. Get off! - Let him go.
- Let me go. - Please, stop.
You're lucky my dad showed up.
- Hi, Danny. - Hi.
- Hey, guys. - Hi, Dan.
Hey, guess what, Uncle Dan? I got the whole headlock thing on tape.
- Here, wanna see? - No, that's okay. Thanks.
- How's she doing? - She's the best one out there.
You know...
...today I'm reminded of what a lucky guy I am.
Lucky to have been born an O'Shea.
Lucky to have been born in this great town.
Lucky to have been blessed with abilities...
...that allowed me to bring something back here to Urbania...
...my town.
- Things like: - Three high school championships.
- A collegiate championship.
- A collegiate title. - An all-American title.
- An all-American title. And not to mention... - And not to mention a Heisman Trophy.
...a Heisman Trophy.
Today, I'm even more lucky...
...because there's one more thing I can bring back to this town:
A Peewee State Championship.
Yeah!
All right. All right.
Now, when you hear your name called...
...I want you to go over to Coach Butz...
...and pick up your jersey.
- Those jerseys are so cool. - Dibs on Montana's number.
I'm getting Michael Irvin's number, the big 8-8.
I just want one of those shirts.
- Briggs. - Yeah!
- Patterson. - Yes!
- Hoffs. - Yeah.
- Lewis. - Yeah.
Bookman.
- Grabelski. - Grabelski!
- Rivera. - Rivera!
- Scanlon. - Scanlon, my man.
- Parkhurst. - Yes.
- Walker. - Yeah.
- Lindemann. - Yeah.
- Beauregard. - Yeah.
Gibbs.
- Grieson. - Yes!
And last but not least...
...the backbone of this team...
...Shawn Murphy. - Yes! I knew it, Becky!
Yes, thank you! I knew it!
Now...
...for the rest of you...
...l'd like to say...
Well, I just...
I'd like to thank you for trying out.
And I want you to remember, hey, there's always next year.
All right. Go.
Okay.
Well, I think this really sucks.
I guess there's nothing we can learn from this. Is there?
Never try out for anything again.
- Take her easy, coach. - Hey, Ross.
Kevin.
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm putting together a championship team.
Did you see the faces of the other kids?
Football isn't about faces. It's about speed, about talent.
I picked the best. Besides, I only got three weeks.
- I can't waste my time with... - Losers.
- Butz. - Who the hell are you, Vince Lombardi?
This is peewee football.
- Every kid should have a chance to play. - Not on this team.
What about Becky? She's better than those boys.
I hate to break it to you, but Icebox is a girl.
If you treat her like a girl, she'll act like one.
- Don't tell me how to raise my daughter. - Don't tell me how to pick my squad.
Way to go, Kevin. You hurt their feelings.
- Danny... - You hurt their feelings.
You and I both know those kids can't cut it.
What am I supposed to do, lie to them? Build up their hopes?
Trust me. It's better this way.
You'll thank me tomorrow.
I knew you'd see it my way.
God bless family, friends...
...flowers, Nickelodeon, all the little kitties...
...PEZ, Mr. Lorenzo, the school janitor... His ears are so hairy.
- He's an unfortunate man, Priscilla. - God bless Daddy's favorite sport, football.
- Amen. - Amen, baby.
- Amen. - Dig in.
I still don't understand why you didn't pick Becky.
- Yes, you do, Karen. - It's not good enough, Kevin.
She's your niece, and she's one of the best players out there.
- Yeah, and she can make boys cry. - Honey, she's a girl.
And girls can run countries...
...they can sit on the Supreme Court, they can discover radium...
...but they can't play peewee football.
- Correct. - Oh, Kevin.
All right. Maybe I went a little too far. Maybe I've been a little...
- Pigheaded? Chauvinistic, maybe. - All right. You proved your point.
I think Becky should be involved with the team.
- Really? - Yeah, or any girl.
Debbie, get your friends. I need girls with spirit.
- I need pom-poms. I need cheerleaders! - Yes!
I hate not being picked.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we go put some mud tires on the go-cart?
- I don't want to. - All right. Forget the tires.
How about if we go camping in the woods, huh? Make moose sounds?
Forget the moose sounds.
Listen, Beck...
...remember when Mom said that she was gonna have to do what was best for her?
Well, when she chose to leave us she was kind of making a choice for us too.
I mean, in a way, it gave us a chance to get real close, you and me. Right?
When Uncle Kevin didn't pick you it was the same thing...
...because, in a way, he freed you up for something else.
Or to do something different where you could do the picking.
Dad...
...I just wanna play football.
Hey, sweetie, if I had a football team, I'd pick you.
We never get picked for anything.
- Life stinks. - Yeah, there goes my shot at the pros.
I'm gonna have to be a senator.
Here's a kiss for Murphy and one for Patterson and Briggs.
Zol-fart, what kind of road kill did your mom feed you last night?
- Free-range skunk. - This is a private establishment, gentlemen.
Yeah, scram.
- Please? - I'm hurt. I'm really hurt.
Yeah, we just came by to tell you guys how incredibly sorry we are...
...that you didn't make the team.
Not!
The Icebox!
- Let's get out of here. - Go!
Sure. Big shot on the go-cart.
I'd give anything to get you on the field.
- Don't worry, Murph. You'll get your chance. - Yeah, sure.
You and your spaz patrol didn't make the team.
Well, I got a little news flash for you.
We started our own team, and we're gonna kick your Cowboy butts.
If you got a team, who's your coach?
My dad.
Your dad?
There are few times in a man's life when he can howl at the moon.
When he gets married, when he scores the winning touchdown in a game...
...and when he buys his first Chevy. Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mr. O'Shea. - Butz.
- I'm going to lunch. You wanna surprise me? - Yeah.
- Sell a car. - Okay. Sure.
We're down by six points. It's third and goal, two seconds left.
I've been hit so many times I can't see.
I'm busted up. I'm bleeding. I'm so bruised I look like a code blue.
- Two seconds? Thought it was four. - Swore it was three.
Believe me. It was two seconds. Now the crowd in the stadium is going nuts.
- All eyes are on me. I know... - Howdy, gents.
Already voted, mayor.
O'Shea, I got my tail in a trap. We gotta talk.
Excuse me, boys. A little peewee business.
Four seconds.
To hell with the time, you don't know what year it is.
No.
I'm feeling kind of foolish, son.
Maybe it's the tie.
Never mind the tie. Now, we got a turd in the punch bowl.
What?
I got Urbania in the Pop Warner league by telling everybody...
...that the great Kevin O'Shea was gonna be coaching.
- Yeah? - I just got a phone call.
It seems there's two teams in this town.
Who's coaching the other one?
Hey, fellas. Good morning, Louise.
How you doing, champ?
- Dad. - Hi.
I gotta tell you something.
Me and the guys, we're forming our own football team. Love you a lot.
You trying to make me look like an idiot?
Where do you come off trying to put together a team?
I mean, what makes you think that you could coach football?
- I just heard about this... - I don't want to hear it.
No, Danny. You can't coach football. Hell, you couldn't even play.
- Whose fault was that? - It wasn't my fault.
Who said life was fair? Some of us run for touchdowns...
...some of us run the projector.
- I ran the class projector. - I'm sure you were a great projectionist.
Danny, listen, guys like you and kids like that...
They can't help that they're no good, but they learn things.
I mean they invent things. They win Nobel Prizes.
Einstein. Could he catch? Did anybody care? No.
Danny, listen to me. Listen to me.
These things that you do with the kids, they're great.
I think they're admirable.
You want to start a chess club, a little nature walk class? This is fine.
So let me get this straight.
It's okay with you if I do something with the kids?
Sure.
- But not football. - Exactly.
I knew you'd see it my way.
- No, I don't. - Pardon me?
I don't see it your way.
I've really never seen it your way. I hate your way.
- Now what's gotten into you? - I'll tell you.
You've gotten into me, and I'm sick of it.
- We're forming our own team. - League rules state: One town. One team.
- You can't have two. - Have a playoff.
That's a great idea, Wilbur. How about it, fellas?
How about it?
Two Saturdays from today, meet me at half-court.
It's the 50-yard line, Dad.
Danny...
...you don't stand a chance.
We just want to play.
Yeah!
Where are we gonna find anybody for the team?
Someone who's good, not at basketball, but like...
Are you guys kidding me?
Nothing but glass.
You want to play football?
Mr. O'Shea, I have an aversion to pain and suffering.
Nubie, I'm not talking about setting foot on the field.
I need somebody to help me coach, you know, to come up with some plays.
What kind of plays?
Creative plays.
Anything goes?
Use your imagination.
I'm in.
- You ever played football? - No.
- Do you like football? - No.
- You want to play football? - No.
Great. You can be on our team.
Yes, that's right, flight 45.
- Dad. - I'll see you Tuesday, son.
Yeah, the flight gets in at 9:00. Don't worry.
What about him?
Hey.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
Look at this.
There's more stuff over here. Give me a hand.
Careful with this. Some of these are antiques.
Timmy, I'm not sure, but I don't think that goes there.
Guys, a lot of this equipment has been used before.
It's a mom!
Excuse me, coach? Hi, Mr. O'Shea. I'm Cheryl Berman.
I'm sorry Jake's late, but I took him to see Dr. Harding.
He sneezed three times this morning and had me worried.
You can't be too cautious.
We never thought we'd have children, not after 13 years. It was me.
When I got pregnant the doctor ordered me to bed.
I spent nine miserable months on my back.
If I'd rolled over, I could've lost him. And the birth, God only knows the pain.
He weighed only 1 pound, 11 ounces. He spent six weeks in an incubator.
And I think football is just the medicine for him.
My shrink told her I gotta get out more.
- I think he's gonna be fine. - Oh, okay.
Cool.
Thanks. I needed that.
Let's kick some butt.
- I don't know but I've been told - Butz's butt is green with mold
- You say thank you, I say please - Kevin sits down when he pees
Looking good. Real good.
All right. Let's stretch it out. Come on.
He throws. It's up.
Yeah! Touchdown!
- What a throw. - What a find.
What a hunk. Wait a minute.
What am I saying?
I'm the Icebox.
The Icebox doesn't like boys...
...except for that one.
Hey, buddy, catch this.
- He caught it. - Good catch.
Nice arm.
- Junior Floyd. - I'm Hanon.
- Zolteck. - What's up?
- I'm Tad. - Cool.
- You wanna play some football? - Yeah, let's see that arm again.
Where is he?
Hey, you.
Hi.
Dad, don't tell jokes. You can't tell jokes. You never could tell jokes.
I'm gonna ask his mother if he can play football.
I can't go in there. I'd look like a geek.
This doesn't sound like you. You got a crush on this guy?
I'm the Icebox. I don't get crushes.
Oh, my God. There he is.
- He is so cute. - Relax.
- You didn't tell me his mother's Patty Floyd. - So?
I knew her when I was a kid. I had a thing...
- Would you get a grip? - Me? You get a grip.
- One of us has gotta knock on that door. - You.
- We need a quarterback. Do it. - No, you do it.
Hey. You traitor!
Hi. Can I?
- Danny? - Hi.
- Danny O'Shea, how are you? - Fine. Really good.
- Well, come on in. - Sure.
Ready.
Go.
- Man, what an arm. - Ready. Go.
Hanon, nice try. All right, guys. Let's give it another shot.
Use your hands.
Ready. Go!
Oh, good catch, guys. Good catch!
My mom says the pads you gave me weren't enough.
Push him.
Hey, this is great. Keep it up.
I don't feel a...
- Jake? - Jake?
- He will never do it. - They've done it already.
- Make your bet. - Make your bet.
If these boys don't win, I sweep the shop for three weeks.
It's gonna be a landslide, and I'll say it again.
- lf they don't win, I'll sweep it for a month. - Good.
- You got witnesses. Understand? - Remember this.
Stand like this. Come on in.
It's a huddle. Huddle, Latin for round. Turn around. There you go.
Communication is the key. I signal the quarterback with the play.
He relates it to you in the huddle. Then, we try it on the field. Okay, let's do it.
Okay, guys. It's a curl out to the fullback on two.
Hey, wait a second. How come we never call a play for me?
- You're a tackle, dip-head. - Hey!
Nobody calls me a dip-head except my sister.
Hey, guys. Guys. Guys, wait!
Guys, I'll run the ball.
You always run the ball. Why can't I run the ball?
Because you're slow and no one likes you.
- Says who? - Everybody says.
- I call the play. - You suck!
I want to run the ball.
- You can't go to my birthday party. - So what?
Okay, guys. That was good for a first time. Let's try it again.
Ready. Go!
Nice pass. Nice catch.
Junior.
Ready. Go!
- Yeah! - Yes!
All right!
Very nice. Okay, from now on, we'll play with this. Put this in the bathroom.
- Good job, Icebox. - Thanks.
Anytime.
- I'll get the quarterback. - Hut one. Hut two.
Got you!
Okay, Icebox. You can get off me.
Oh, sorry.
Gentlemen, that is your opponent. You must defeat her at all costs.
Patterson, Becky is all they've got.
She's strong. I want you to hit her low and hard.
Get in your position.
Head up, butt down. Stick and drive.
Set. Go!
Oh, son. Son, it's a couch cushion. It's a couch cushion, son!
I want you to wrap your arms and drive through it.
- Stand back. Let the master do this. - Let's go, coach!
- Priscilla, I want you to shoot this. - Go for it, Daddy.
Briggs, count it off.
Ready.
Set. Go!
Kevin!
Oh, doctor!
Coach!
Daddy!
If there's gonna be pee wee football in Urbania, everybody's gonna play.
Big round of applause for the Little Giants.
She's buff. She's bad.
She's Becky "The Icebox" O'Shea.
All right. Let's give it up for "Rad" Tad Simpson.
Rudy Zolteck, your neighborhood-friendly gasman.
Gasman? I don't get it.
Think about it.
Here's Rasheed "Hot Hands" Hanon!
Say hello to Timmy "I Wanna Score" Moore.
- Thanks for coming. - That was great.
- I want a copy of that. - You got it.
Johnny, I thought I was gonna meet your dad tonight.
He's got business and stuff. See you, coach.
- I'll see you. - Bye.
Well, the dip sucked.
But bottom line, you're okay, Coach O'Shea.
Thanks, Junior.
Do you have time to get me your brother's autograph?
Oh, let's go.
- This was such a blast. - It was nothing.
No, you're doing an amazing job with those kids.
All that time I knew you, I had no idea that you would be like this.
- Well, I was 11. - Yeah.
I guess I've changed.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Have I changed?
Well, you're taller, and you have your driver's license.
And to be honest with you, your face is exactly as I remember it.
Come on, Mom.
Good night, Danny.
See you, coach.
Good night, you guys. Sleep tightly.
Tightly?
Dumb.
Okay, let's clean it up.
There he goes.
I love this. Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, Karen, how many times you gonna watch this? It's making me nauseous.
You kill me.
No, Mom. Mom, let's calm down. Let's calm down.
You know, I was only trying to make a point that Becky's all they got...
...and to win, we've gotta neutralize her.
Wait, wait, wait. What about Junior?
Who?
Hut one! Hut two! Hut three!
Look at the cannon on that kid.
He's playing for the wrong team.
Hut one! Hut two! Hut three!
- Yeah! - That's the way. All right. Come on back.
That's good, Johnny. Keep your head up.
Spies.
- Where? - In the weeds.
Somebody's a little scared, huh?
Okay. Take a little break. Then, we'll start running the super-secret play.
I'm just gonna get the diagram.
Coach, they're gonna do the super-secret play.
State police? Oh, thank God. This is Thelma May Rogers.
I'm 86. I live in Urbania.
There are two men down the bridge from the Shell station...
...in the bushes spying on some kids.
We're all so upset.
I don't think men their age should be parading around in their underwear.
Please, hurry.
- Nice going. - Yeah.
This is incredible. They got the guards in the backfield.
They... They got the center to the right, and...
And the quarterback isn't even there.
They're standing around, Butz.
Oh, yeah.
Freeze!
- I'm on a roll, huh? - Your sandwich, dangerous one.
Last night, I go out the window. Today, I'm arrested...
...handcuffed, humiliated. My own brother!
lmagine how I feel married to a peeping Tom.
That was a brilliant move...
...calling the state cops instead of the local cops.
I didn't think Danny had it in him. I will get him back.
This could've been avoided if you'd just formed one team.
Don't you understand that the people of this town expect me to win?
- Nobody buys a Chevy from a loser! - Honey, this is peewee football. Remember?
- It's supposed to be fun. - It's not fun anymore.
See, all the fun is gone now. See, now it's war.
Come on. Let's go. Keep moving.
Come on. Make that cut.
Come on. Come on. Protect the ball. Good. Good.
Lift them. Lift those legs. Thattaboy.
Drive, drive, drive!
Come on. Unload on this thing!
Very nice. Looking good. Looking good.
Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit. Hit.
That's right, guys. Make them pop.
Yes!
You'll have to put the top up if you want us to wash it.
I didn't come for a car wash.
You're wasting our time with this team. We should concentrate on Sutterville.
Jeez, Dan, you don't even belong on the same field as your brother.
One dollar for the wash, Butz.
You'll just embarrass yourself with them dirt-balls.
Hell, if I was a mama hen and they was my chicks...
...l'd lead them to water and let them drown.
Harold, you're the tenth car that's come in here today.
You're entitled to a free wash.
Okay, guys. Wash it.
Hey, Junior.
Truce.
No!
Hey, Dan, we're next.
- Hey, Uncle Dan. - Hi, Deb.
- Hi, Junior. - Hey.
Hey, Becky, check it out. My mom got us new uniforms for the game.
- Cool. - I am so jealous of you...
...being in the huddle with Junior Floyd! Even 12-year-old girls think he's a fox.
- Yeah, well, I really don't notice. - Well, see you.
Yeah.
Hey. Hi, Junior.
What's up?
I wanted to let you know I'm gonna be at the game Saturday.
Hey, Icebox, maybe you should become a cheerleader.
Bubbles and stuff.
Junior!
Hey, don't!
There you go.
Give me a J Give me a U
- Give me an N - Becky!
Hey, I got an idea for a whole new defense.
I read about a monster-back thing where you run around causing destruction.
Are you wearing lipstick?
No. It's a cherry Tootsie Pop.
O'Shea Chevrolet.
I got a hot tip for you, Mr. Heisman.
Butz!
- Go ahead, Orville. I'm listening. - There's a new family in town.
They got a tough 10-year-old. He's a monster.
Now I'm talking real big.
Oh, yeah? How big?
Put it this way.
If he was a trout, you wouldn't throw him back.
- Thanks a lot, buddy. I owe you one. - Thanks.
- Hi, big Jim. - Hey there, Kevin.
Hey, Kev. Where you going?
Just out for a little spin, Danny.
What's with the go-cart?
Becky asked me to check the compression.
- You following me? - No.
You following me?
No.
- Are you lying to me? - No.
He's mine, Danny! Damn it!
Here they come! Danny's in the go-cart.
This whole town may love you...
...but I'm the only one who knows how sick you are.
- I treated you like a prince. - You ignored me!
- I took you to see the Cleveland Indians. - You left me at the stadium.
Damn it!
Excuse me.
Are you...?
Hey, don't tell me. You're Coach O'Shea.
Yeah, I'm Coach O'Shea.
You're Coach O'Shea! Who am I? Look at this.
Who am I?
Oh, you're remembering my old playing days.
Remembering them? I treasure them.
You're the reason we moved to this town, you and that football league.
You... You look kind of small for a football star.
That's what they all thought.
Yeah.
- So where is your? - His name's Spike.
He's right here.
Hang on a second. Spike!
Come on down here.
I want you to meet Coach O'Shea.
Look at the boy. He was bred for football glory.
The first skin he touched was a pigskin.
Pushing a football across the floor with his head at four months old.
Did his first pull-up when he was 18 months. Give me 10!
Runs a 40 in 6.5 flat. Bench-presses twice his own weight.
Won the 8-year-old division of the pass, punt, run when he was 5 years old.
O'Shea, I've been cultivating him, grooming him.
Every night, before he goes to bed...
...I massage his hamstrings with evaporated milk. Yeah.
He's quite a boy.
Play to die!
Knees high! Knees high!
Guys, I got great news.
We got a new player.
Mama!
- Who's that? - Looks like a side of beef.
Or a genetics experiment gone terribly wrong.
- Where's his socks? - Where's his neck?
He's bigger than my dad.
Spike's in hell. Spike's in peewee hell.
Guys, Spike's our new tailback.
Now we can run the annexation of Puerto Rico.
- What's that? - I don't know if we're ready for that.
- What formation do you like to run out of? - Power-I. Now, who's Spike's lead blocker?
The Icebox.
- Where's he at? - Right here.
Is Spike mistaken? Aren't you a girl?
Gee, good eye.
- Spike don't play with girls. - She's pretty good, Spike.
Spike don't care. Didn't you hear?
Spike don't play with...
I can tackle anything, anytime, anywhere. Got that?
Look, you berserk-o Barbie doll, when you mess with Spike...
...you mess with death. - Can you walk the walk?
- Try me! - I will!
- Let's go! - Right now!
Somebody call 911!
All right. Okay. Okay. Hold it.
Becky, wanna get that car for me, please?
Why me? So you can play with this ape?
Can I have a little word with you, please?
Your leg's bigger than my body.
With this guy, we got an actual shot at winning this.
Give me a minute to get him used to the idea of playing with a girl.
You don't think I can take him, do you?
This is a bunch of crap.
- Shirley. - Hi, Kevin.
Icebox not hungry?
Alert the media.
- How you doing, hotshot? - Hey, Louise. Thank you, dear.
Good shot.
- You still mad at me for not picking you? - No.
- I guess you got your own team now. - It's not my team.
It's Spike's team.
Dad's got a big crush on him.
Don't be so hard on the old man.
It can't be easy on him having me as a brother...
...or you as a daughter.
Very funny.
People like you and me, we're stubborn.
If we don't get our own way, watch out.
When you played football you wanted to kill your coach too?
Hey, you can't fault the guy for trying to win.
He doesn't wanna win.
He wants to prove he's not scared of you.
What do you want?
I thought I wanted to play, but now there's all this other stuff.
What other stuff?
Not football stuff.
Debbie likes Junior, doesn't she?
Does Veronica like Archie?
She's gonna get him. I know it.
You know, she'd probably kill me if she knew I told you this...
...but you wanna find a boy, you gotta figure out how boys think.
And if this boy's a quarterback, he's probably gonna want some cute girl...
...not some teammate.
But I don't know about being a cute girl.
I'm good at sports.
Of course you are. You're an O'Shea.
But listen to me. You got a lot more to offer than football.
- A lot more. - You think so?
I know so.
Hey, Uncle Kevin.
Do you think I'm pretty?
No.
I think you're beautiful.
Okay, guys. Let's make this power-I formation work.
- Ready! - Break!
Ready. Set.
Hut one. Hut two!
You call this a team?
Hey, pretty boy, when you hand off to Spike...
...put it here. Boom!
And you, fat lineman!
You rang?
Get your jellyrolls out of Spike's way...
...unless you want cleat marks up your fat back.
Spike!
Come get in the car, son.
What's going on?
Oh, no.
You're a Cowboy now.
Thank you, football god.
Where's he going?
So you're a Heisman Trophy winner?
I said I was Coach O'Shea, not Kevin.
You must think you're pretty slick, huh?
I can't wait till tomorrow.
One more day, baby!
One more day.
- Great. Now the other guys have Spike. - We got nothing.
- We got us. - Yeah, we stink!
- Because you can't catch. - At least he can walk.
- Hey, Zolteck, have another Pop-Tart. - Or can't you open your mouth wide enough?
- Come on, that's enough. - Yeah, coach is right. Break it up.
Shut up, Junior. You're so good it makes us sick.
Hey, you don't want me to play? No problemo. I'm out of here.
If it wasn't for him, we wouldn't even have a team.
If it wasn't for him, maybe you'd stop drooling and play a little more football.
Yeah, he's right!
Why can't we all play together?
Oh, shut up, dipstick! You're probably the main reason Spike quit.
Yeah, quit bawling, you big baby.
I can cry if I want. It's a free country. I can even do this.
Nice kick!
Hey, guys, practice isn't over yet.
Who cares?
What's the use? I am a dipstick. I'll never get to play.
Hey, kid, you got a second?
We have to get to a banquet in Canton, where the Hall of Fame is.
And we took a wrong turn somewhere. Look, we started out here on l-7 east.
We're coming across here. We went up 104.
We took the 49. Then we were gonna take shortcuts. We go 10, 12, 48. Hut.
And we have to hit Canton, and we have to hit it hard.
And I don't know where we are!
Guys?
Now what?
Let's play some ball.
- Steve Emtman. - Emmitt Smith.
Tim Brown.
- Bruce Smith. - Emmitt Smith.
Take a shot. Just block me.
Come on. You can do it.
- No way. - Don't be scared.
Run through me. Run through me. Come on.
Get the fear out of your eyes! Let's go! Come on!
Yeah!
All right. All right now. Good job.
Just remember, football's 80%% mental, 40%% physical.
- Right. - Right.
What?
I wasn't always the biggest. I wasn't always the fastest.
I wasn't always the smartest. But I believed within myself...
...that I was a giant.
He pivots, fakes, chucks the big bomb halfway down the field...
...to our, hopefully, still wide-open tailback.
I call it the annexation of Puerto Rico.
- Not bad. - Really?
I kind of stole it from you.
Raiders-Vikings, Super Bowl XI.
Hey, you are a genius.
Thanks. Problem is we don't have a tailback.
Listen, what if you tried this?
You know what this is called?
Intimidation.
Cool.
Now, tomorrow, when you go to the game...
...you don't want to be intimidated. So let me see your game faces.
No, no. You can do better than that.
Let me see your game faces.
Try this.
You're getting it.
That's it, guys. Now come and get me.
- Mind if I ask you something? - Yeah.
I got kind of a big game coming up. You got any advice?
- Good luck. - What, that's it?
- Later. - See you, Steve. Bye, Emmitt.
- Have a good trip. - Thanks.
There's no big secret to winning football. It's doing what these guys do every game.
Just go out and give it your best.
Bottom line, I took a team to a Super Bowl, and we won.
I even had some guys on that team that nobody wanted.
But we were a team, and that's what you guys are.
You're a football team. That's like a family, except you get to hit each other.
But you have to stick together. Do that, and you'll be fine.
Thanks, Mr. Madden.
- Thanks, Mr. Madden. - See you!
Let me tell you people something.
This ain't just a football.
This is your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, your soul in a roll.
It's your life.
Tomorrow on that field, it's do or die. Win or cry!
Go, baby! Go!
Men, tonight when you go home, I want you to brush your little teeth.
I want you to wash your little faces.
And I want you to dream of football glory...
...because tomorrow, we're gonna crush the Little Giants into smithereens.
- What do you say, men? - Yeah!
Yeah!
- Guess who. - Who?
- Me. - Hey, Junior.
Hey, that's disgusting. It looks like they're trying to swallow each other's heads.
They're doing it all wrong.
You have to move your head dramatic, like Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Like this.
No. In movies, they do that chicken-pecking, mouth half-open thing.
Like this. "Hey, baby."
No.
Check this out. My cousin told me that her and her boyfriend use their tongues.
- That's disgusting. - I know. Spit swappers.
- Yeah, kind of like them. - Tonsil hockey.
You know the only problem with kissing your own hand is?
What?
- It doesn't kiss back. - You wanna learn how to kiss?
- I didn't say that. Do you? - No. I just got that vomit taste.
Hey, we'll have to learn how sooner or later...
...I mean, if you wanna have kids and get a job.
- You can have kids without kissing. - You can't get a job.
Well, I'll become a teacher.
But what if you were forced to? Wouldn't it be good to learn with a friend?
You know, for scientific purposes.
No way! If I had to learn how to kiss, and I mean absolutely, positively...
...no way out of it, no matter what, can't get out of it, I had to learn how to kiss...
Well then, I think I'd want to learn with...
Let me guess.
- Debbie. - I don't know.
But if not her, definitely another cheerleader-type, right?
Maybe. I don't know.
Look, this is really weird.
Hey, Junior.
If I was like a cheerleader, you'd wanna learn with me.
But you're not. You're different.
You're cool. You're the Icebox.
Come on, you're probably the only girl I've met that can beat up my dad.
Anyways, I'll see you later.
- Hey. - Hey, Uncle Kev.
Is Aunt Karen home?
Come on in, buddy.
Oh, no, you don't. You can't.
This team has come too far to be shot down on a lousy call.
Watch the grabbing, zebra. They're giving him the business.
What? You're throwing me out? I'll throw you out.
I'll throw your mother out.
- Hi, Dad. - Hey.
- Bye, Dad. - Hang on. What do you got, a victory cake?
- Half that team's allergic to chocolate. - It's not a cake.
You can't sneak away without telling me what it is.
It's nothing.
Okay. If my little fullback wants to surprise me...
...that's all right with me.
Little fullback?
Your little fullback?
That's all I am to you, isn't it? Your little fullback.
Your ticket to beating Kevin and winning the game.
Becky, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Everything's wrong.
Do you know what Mom used to call me? Her little princess.
When she tucked me in she'd go, "Good night, little princess."
Then she'd kiss me on my cheeks.
Then she'd pull the covers all around me.
And you remember that?
Yeah.
She wouldn't let me play football.
She wouldn't call me her little fullback either.
Becky, look, Mom's not here anymore. She left us.
- She quit. - No!
She didn't quit. She just found a better team.
I'm not playing tomorrow.
This was your idea. This game was the most important thing in the world to you.
No, Dad, this game means everything in the world to you.
Come on, Dad. Throw it in here.
Come on, fellas. Tomorrow's the big one. Don't let me down.
You want intimidation? I'll show you intimidation.
I'll be back in a few days.
Be good.
- You get a good night's sleep. - Don't think about football.
I won't, Daddy.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven. Eight.
I want to pump you up.
Good night, Urbania. And a special good luck to all tomorrow's players.
Well, hello again, everybody.
This is Cliff Parson, your play-by-play announcer.
What a day it is. We're at Kevin O'Shea Stadium...
...located in pastoral Urbania, Ohio...
...scene of what's become known as "Mania in Urbania."
Yeah, let's go.
Now shake it up.
Guys, quiet down! Hold it.
Father Kelly is kind enough to say a prayer for our victory today.
Yeah!
Pipe down!
All right. Quiet down for chrissake!
Hey, shut up!
Go ahead, Father.
As we are about to embark on this journey of athletic competition...
...we pause to reflect. It is not whether you win or lose...
Giants! Giants! Giants!
What the hell?
Giants! Giants! Giants! Giants!
Let's kill them! Come on!
They don't respect you!
Hey, Briggs, you big snot-ball, I'll eat you for lunch!
All right. All right. All right. Guys, cool it.
One sec, coach. Paging Spike the putz!
Hey, hey! Hang on, son. What's the matter?
That's right, Spike! Icebox is gonna defrost you!
You're getting fired up?
Yeah, there you go, son.
Save that rage! Uncork it on the first person you hit.
All right. All right. All right. Enough of that.
- Relax, coach. - We're unstoppable!
Yeah!
Hi, guys.
Becky?
Look, I just came by to wish you good luck and have a great game.
I'll be rooting for you.
All right. Everything's gonna be okay.
- Let's talk strategy, guys. - Strategy?
Without Becky, we're gonna be Cream of Wheat.
Without Icebox, Spike's gonna rip off my face and wear it on Halloween.
I'm leaving the country. I'm going to New Mexico.
Guys, wait. I got something to show you.
- What? - What is it?
Death shrouds.
Your name's on the back.
So the guys at the morgue can identify the bodies.
Hold up! Gentlemen...
...this ain't just a football.
It's our lives!
Show them what we have!
Here come the Cowboys!
Let's go, guys. Come on.
Okay? Here we go. All right!
Okay. Remember, guys, this is just a football...
...just air and pig intestines.
All right. Come on. Let's get out there.
I can't see with this thing on!
Is this on? Is this...?
Great to see you, folks. Welcome to the park.
Today, Kevin's peewee Cowboys are gonna test their mini-muscles...
... against Danny's Little Giants.
Little Giants, nice touch.
- I thought you'd like that. - Guys.
Kevin, you call it.
- Heads. - Excuse me. How come he gets to call it?
What's the difference? You kick off, we ram it down your throat.
We kick off, take it from you, then ram it down your throat.
You've been bossing me around since we were kids. Stop it.
You don't ask for things. You take them.
Like you took my ticket to that World Series?
Guys, cut it out. You're brothers.
- Not by choice. - I don't have to take that...
...from a guy who sunk his last dime into a broken gas station.
It's been servicing this community for over 40 years.
- It's a landmark. - Ought to be a landfill.
You don't know anything about loyalty or heart.
I would put that gas station up against any business in this town.
- You sure? - Yes, I am.
- Okay, fine. - Okay, fine.
What are we talking about?
My car dealership against your gas station, winner of this game takes it all.
- You're on. - Fine.
I'll even let you call it. Open up your fist.
- Heads. - Tails.
- This will be the longest day of your life. - We'll see about that.
What am I doing?
Cowboys! Cowboys! Win, win, win!
- Giants! Giants! - Help us, God!
Let's make something happen.
Giants kicking off. They'll defend the western goal to my right, your left.
Go!
All right, guys. All right. Kicking is the key to this game.
Somebody's holding a pound of Aunt Betty's nut butter. It's a live ball!
Cowboys recover.
That was easy.
l-formation right, 32 dive on go.
Ready. Break!
When I get finished with you...
...you'll fart out your mouth and talk out your butt.
Is that physically possible?
Down!
Set!
Go!
- All right. All right. - That's my boy!
Are you all right?
I think so.
I guess it is possible.
Go!
Way to hold him.
Dead meat.
Go!
Stay with him. Come on.
Touchdown, Cowboys!
This isn't American Gladiators. That was a cheap shot.
No penalty. No penalty.
Did I pass the spelling test, Mrs. Greely?
Wow. Spike knocked him all the way back to second grade.
- Okay, three little pigs on go. Ready. - Wait.
- What's the three little pigs? - Here.
Look. We're lined up strong left. Zolteck, watch Murphy coming through the hole.
- Ready. - Break!
Down!
Set! Go!
Blow the whistle! Blow the whistle!
Blow the whistle! Come on. Blow it! Blow it!
Tad, you're going the wrong way.
Blow the whistle! Come on! Blow the whistle! Blow it.
Blow it!
All right.
Down!
Set! Hut!
I should have gone to summer school.
Okay. Hanon, I want you to run a bear trap curl...
...and try to catch the ball. - No problem.
- Okay, guys. On two. Ready. - Break!
Down!
Set! Go! Go! Go!
Hey, Hot Hands. You're the best player on our team.
- Ready. - Break!
Gonna rip your head off.
Down!
Set!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hammersmith dives on the ball in the end zone. Touchdown, Cowboys!
I can't see with this thing on!
That's the end of your first half. The score: Cowboys 21, Giants nothing.
- I'm not finished with you, Zol-fart. - Have a nice halftime, girls.
Look at my back. Is my spine sticking out through my uniform?
- It's hard to tell. - I've lost feeling in the back of my leg.
- Maybe it's asleep. - Nobody wake it.
- Hanon, call 911. - I can't. My fingers are stuck together.
Hey, Danny, this thing's gone far enough. Let's call it off, huh?
- It's not over. - It's not over. You're sure?
It's halftime.
Okay, kid. Hey, there'll always be a job for you at the full-service pumps.
Okay, guys. Listen up. We still got a shot.
A couple things go differently for us, we're in it.
- We can do it. - We really creamed them by showing up.
We quit. So call us if you decide to coach softball.
- What about the second half? - Tell them we can't come out.
- Put us on the injured list. - Yeah.
You know, there's something you guys should know.
When I was 10 years old, I put myself on the injured list.
- I never got off. - Why?
Because I didn't get picked a few times. So I started hiding under the bleachers.
That's where we belong, under the bleachers.
No, you don't.
You guys belong out there with those Cowboys.
You know how I know that? Because I belong out there with my brother.
Give us a break. You couldn't beat Kevin O'Shea at anything.
- No, that's not true. I did beat him once. - When?
When we were kids. We used to race our bikes down Cherry Hill after school.
We'd race every day, and he always beat me.
But one time, one time, I beat him.
- You beat Kevin down Cherry Hill? - Yes, I did. He ate my dust.
- Big deal. One time. - You know...
...one time, at Randy Cooper's swim party, I did a back flip off the high dive.
- And my brother chickened out. - Roger chickened out? He's a Marine.
Oh, that's nothing. One time, at a Spring Carnival...
...I beat both my brothers in the cow-dung toss.
You beat Matt and Brad in the turd toss?
One time, I went fishing with my entire family.
I was the only one that didn't throw up.
So what? That doesn't make us good football players.
Wait a second, guys. Who said you had to be good to play football?
You play football because you want to.
You play because it's fun.
You play so you can pretend you're Joe Montana...
...throwing a touchdown pass or Emmitt Smith going for a long run.
And even if those Cowboys are better than you guys...
...even if they beat you 99 times out of 100...
...that still leaves... - One time.
- Yeah. One time.
- Stop! Who are we? - Giants!
- I just told the mayor you forfeited. - You give the mayor a message for me.
Tell him not to bet on the Cowboys.
- You forget one thing. - What?
- That's my field. - Yeah, well, we got the ball.
Come on. All right.
Okay, guys. All right. Here we go.
- Go, Spike. - All right. Let's hit somebody.
Break!
They're gonna have to put you in a body bag.
- Prepare to eat grass. - Pig breath, you're in big trouble.
- How come? - Football's 80%% mental and 40%% physical.
- Set. Go! - What?
Hey, guys, look!
- Second and nine. - They gained a yard!
We got one yard.
One yard.
Don't mean nothing.
Down!
Set! Go!
Flea-flicker to Floyd. He's got room up the sideline, the 45, the 50.
First down, Giants, on their longest gain of the afternoon.
What kind of defense is that? Come on.
All right. Great. Great stuff.
Giants, Giants, first and 10 Giants, Giants
Okay, listen up. What would be the last thing they'd expect us to do?
- A reverse to me? - Down!
Set! Go!
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.
- Come on, Tad! - I'm gonna die!
Tad! Go! Go! Run out of bounds!
Tad! Run!
Go! Go!
We scored! We scored a touchdown!
Touchdown, Giants!
Oh, my God! My son scored a touchdown.
Down. Set. Go!
Yes. I've done it.
All right, Spike. We're not taking any chances.
Either take Junior Floyd out of the game or you donate a kidney to Aunt Ruth.
- Yes, sir! - Okay. Come on. Get going.
- Personal foul, number 32, white. - Are you crazy? What kind of call is that?
Hey. That wasn't very nice, you big bully.
If that kid of yours pulls another stunt like that, you're both out of here.
- Hey, I thought you wanted to win. - Not like that.
- Hi. - Sure you want to do this, Becky?
- Call me Icebox. - Hey, Icebox.
Kick some butt.
Call me Becky.
- What's that cheerleader doing? - It's no cheerleader. That's my niece.
And she's pissed.
Break!
Keep clear, Ice Chest, or I'll have to mess up your face.
Two, fifty-six. Two, fifty-six.
Two, fifty-six. Down!
Set! Go!
What a hit by Becky O'Shea. The ball is loose. Hanon tightly covers it up.
Yes! All right! That's my girl!
Yeah.
No!
- Let it go, man. - Get away.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
Zolteck! Come here.
- You rang? - Chicken little flea-flicker on two. Take it.
- Okay. Chicken little flea-flicker on two. - What's that?
It's a pitch to Johnny.
Pitch to Johnny? You can't pitch to Johnny. I'm Johnny!
Zolteck, he's gonna need some running room.
Got you.
- Break! - Excuse me, guys! Guys, come on!
Excuse me. Maybe you can help me. I'm trying to remember what I had for lunch.
- How can we do that? - By taking a whiff of this.
Hut. Hut two.
- Now what? - Just run to him.
Dad?
Dad!
Touchdown! The Giants deficit is cut in half...
...on brilliant running by Johnny Vennaro.
- Line up. Let's go. Get the guys over here. - We're out there. Let's go to kick off.
Down!
Set! Go!
- Clear it out. Let's go. - All right, guys. Way to go.
What's the matter, four-eyes?
Want your mama?
Don't be talking about my mama.
Watching Jake play football has really been great for my family.
Yeah.
Down. Set. Go!
Rip their filthy ears off, Jakester!
Yes! Yes!
- I use these for acid indigestion. - So what are we gonna use these for?
Intimidation.
Break!
Go.
What's the matter with you? You gonna play or what?
Okay. I've got the play. Silver streak to Hanon on two.
Are you sure?
- Ready. - Break!
- Oh, crud. - Come on.
Set! Go!
Pass! Pass! Pass!
Yeah! That's my boy!
All right, Hanon!
Touchdown!
- Wrong defense! - I didn't call the blitz!
With 1:45 left and the score tied 21 to 21...
...it looks like Mr. Momentum may be changing his address.
All right, men. Let's go.
Down!
Set!
Go!
- Get off of me. - You're mine.
All right. All right.
With less than a minute to play, the Cowboys are heading for that end zone.
Set! Go!
Stick a fork in them. They're done!
Easy! Easy! One more!
Come here, son.
Thirty-eight toss. You understand? Thirty-eight toss. Let's go.
Do you remember that championship game with Sutterville?
The one where Kevin scored the winning touchdown?
Time-out.
The Giants call a time-out with 10 seconds left and the ball on the one-yard line.
Come on, guys. Huddle up.
Look, no one thought we'd make it this far.
But now it's time to really dig in. They're gonna give the ball to Spike.
- We've gotta stop him. - He's too strong.
We can do it together.
- Ready. - Break!
Hold that line! Hold that line! Hold that line!
Set!
They know the play.
Set!
Go!
Turn it up!
- Yes! We're in! Touchdown! - Yeah!
- It was over! - No. We stopped him.
- He was in. - No way.
Move it back. Everybody, off the ball.
Move back.
Giants' ball!
No! No!
Giants' ball!
Told you.
Time-out.
You did it, guys. You stopped him. I'm real proud of you.
- Coach, there's still four seconds left. - We can beat these guys.
Put me in, coach! I wanna kick some butt!
What kind of play you got for this?
How about the annexation of Puerto Rico?
With four seconds left, the Giants trot onto the field for the final play.
- Ready. - One time.
- Ready. - Break!
You're mine, pom-pom.
- All right. - Let's go, baby. One more play, baby.
Watch the wingman.
Down!
- Don't let anybody behind you! - Set!
Go!
Reverse! Reverse!
She doesn't have the ball. Fumblerooski! Fumblerooski!
- Yeah! No mercy! - No ball.
- Get him! - He's got the ball!
I got it. I got it.
Come on! Come on!
I'm gonna score a touchdown. I'm gonna score a touchdown!
No, you're not.
Yeah!
- We won! - We won!
We did it! We won!
- We won! We won! We won! - We did it!
We won!
We won! We won!
We won!
Patty Floyd...
...I was wondering if you'd be interested in having dinner with me?
Fine, if you'd like to think about it.
Get a grip, Dad.
Yeah! Oh, yeah!
Yes!
Giants! Giants! Giants! Giants!
Congratulations, Danny. Looks like you're the new head coach.
If you're pissed at me, don't be. If I wasn't tough on you...
...when we were kids, you never would've beat me today.
- Okay. Listen, Kev, my guys are wondering... - They want to tar and feather me in public?
No. They're wondering if your team wants to join the Little Giants.
One town. One team.
- All right. I'll tell my boys. - Hey, Kev.
- Is it possible to have two head coaches? - No.
In case the head coach doesn't know as much about football as the other coach?
Let me think about it. All right?
- Deal. - Danny.
That bet we made, you're not holding me to it?
Kevin, am I the kind of guy that's gonna throw his own brother out on the street?
- No. - There's always a job for you...
...at Danny O'Shea Chevrolet. I'll start you on commission...
Danny, look, there's gotta be some way we can work this out. What do you want?
Well, there is one thing.
What?
[ENGLISH]