(BASEBALL BAT STRIKING BALL) MAN 1: Oh, that one's gone!
MAN 2: Okey-dokey, gents.
That there is a perfect example
of how not to get an invite to pitch for the Santa Rosa Rockets.
So, who's our next victim?
Look at them boots!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
Bill's gonna take this kid downtown.
Thanks.
(EXHALES)
Ow! Damn! (RADAR GUN BEEPING)
MAN 2: Lordy! Let me see that radar gun, son.
Holy torpedo, Batman!
I think we got a rocket arm.
Excuse me, uh, sir?
Hell of an arm. Thanks.
You ever play pro ball? Nope.
Semi-pro? Nope.
College? High school? Little League?
No.
Uh, kid, did anyone ever see you pitch?
Uh, my mom.
(ROOSTER CROWING)
(CROWING)
(GROANING)
(YAWNING)
Oh, Speed! What did you let me sleep in for?
Today's the big day.
I love you, too, buddy,
but you got the worst breath on Planet Earth.
Hey, Speed, wanna help me get loose, huh?
Set?
(COW MOOING)
Go.
Go get it.
(GROANING)
Don't forget the paper.
(MACHINE PUMPING)
(COW MOOING)
All right, Daisy. All right.
(GRUNTS)
(MACHINE STARTS)
I aim to please, ladies.
(MOOING CONTINUES)
Bon appetit, Wilbur.
Wilbur?
Mornin', Charlotte. Where's Wilbur?
Wilbur! Mom, you didn't.
Come on, eat him, honey.
It's your big day. You need the protein.
I can't. I'm sorry.
Well, I can. Give me that.
I'm late anyway. I gotta go.
Deuce, think fast.
You're ready. Get outta here.
So, uh, no advice?
Work hard, son. Dad!
Jack.
Have fun.
Dad, it's baseball. How could I not have fun?
(WHIMPERING)
COOPER: All right, I gotta go. You be good, huh?
Wanna get it one more time? Ready?
He's right. I'm ready.
I love you, Speed.
(WHIMPERING)
(ENGINE STARTS)
(CHEERING) Come on, Meat!
Coop! Cooper! Cooper!
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(HEART BEATING)
(LOUD GULP)
ART: Jack "The Deuce" Cooper,
sure not having any fun out there.
(LAUGHS) Yikes!
Well, here comes a reason for Cooper to gag.
The only thing bigger than his hunk of chaw is his bat.
I am talking about Number 13, the leading batter in Class A,
Kurt "The Crush" Bunyon.
The Crush sports a .397 average, 22 homers...
(CHUCKLING) and an attitude to match.
What the hell you lookin' at, taco?
(SPITS)
MAN: What do you say now, Coop?
(MEN LAUGHING)
(GROWLING)
ART: Cooper's been shaking off fastball signs all afternoon,
trying to get what we heard was a mean curveball over the plate.
Get him out!
But, from what I've seen,
it ain't mean, and it sure don't curve.
God's sakes! Tell me he ain't gonna throw the curve, Tip.
"He ain't gonna throw the curve, Tip."
(GRUNTING)
(SPECTATORS EXCLAIM)
Whoa! (SCREAMS)
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no. Not your fault, Joe. Not your fault.
That scared the crap out of me.
The rookie's pitching today.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) Baseball's a game...
(SIGHS) Poor guy.
But in his minor league debut,
the pressure's causing a slight choking problem.
That proves it. He's a choke artist.
(CLEARING THROAT) What are you doin' about it, Chubb, hmm?
Kirby, I'm working on it.
I'll tell you this much.
"Chokeitis" is a very delicate matter.
And only an idiot would be rubbing his nose in it.
Hey, tell me something I don't know.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Anyhoo, the reason I'm here.
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
What the hell is this?
Innovation, Chubb.
Dad bought him from the estate of a Mr. Mickey Mantle.
It'll put butts in the bleachers,
and that, my friend, is money in the bank.
Come on, you're not serious, are you?
Look at me, Chubb.
Chubb, do I look like I'm joking?
No, sir, I can...
I can see you got your thinking cap on.
It's just that the boys aren't gonna like it.
The boys aren't paying your salary.
Neither are you. Your old man is.
Hmm.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: I'll catch up with you a little bit later.
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
Hey. Don't sweat the pitch, Jack.
Your luck's gonna change.
Before cut week?
(LAUGHS) Well, you're not the only guy wonderin' that.
Look at a guy like Carlton Fisk.
He couldn't even get arrested in Boston,
so he moves to Chicago, changes his number,
and where's he headed now?
That's right. Cooperstown.
Coop, Fisk ain't headed for Cooperstown because he changed his number.
The way you've been pitching,
the only thing you're ever gonna have in common
with the Hall of Fame is your name.
Now, here, pick this guy up tomorrow.
8:00 a.m. at the bus.
Well, why me?
Well, I guess it's your lucky day.
Thank you.
COOPER: Excuse me.
I'm, uh, supposed to pick up a ballplayer.
Last row.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey! Hey, buddy, wake up!
Hey! (GROANING)
Wow! What a glove!
(SNARLING)
Ooh! No!
(BUS DRIVER LAUGHING)
(CHITTERING)
Huh?
(BUS DOOR CLOSING)
This is some kind of a joke, right?
Just what I need, a monkey.
(CHITTERING)
All right, very funny. I'm laughing. Ha-ha.
Can we go now?
All right, come on. Get in the truck.
All right, be a good boy. Now, get in the truck.
(WHISTLES)
Come on. Get in the truck.
(CHITTERING)
(SIGHS)
(CHITTERING CONTINUES)
Fine, suit yourself. But it's a long walk home.
And you got some seriously short legs.
Hey. Hey! Stay. Stay! Stay!
Stay! Stay!
(CHITTERING)
In the back. In the back.
No, no, no, no! You in the back!
In the back! Get in the back!
(SNIFFING)
In the back!
(CHITTERING)
Open the door.
(CHATTERING)
Stop messin' around. I had a really bad day, okay?
Open the door.
(UNLOCKING DOOR) All right.
(LOCKING DOOR) Oh!
Open the door! Open it!
(KISSING) Oh, that's attractive.
Open the door.
Open the door!
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
Open it! Don't play with those.
Don't play with those! Come on! Don't...
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Please, no! Come on!
This is ridiculous.
Thank you. Oh.
I suppose you drive too.
(CHITTERING)
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
(CHITTERING)
CHUBB: Wait a minute. Hold on there.
Easy, easy! Hold your horses.
Slow down, rookie.
PLAYER: Oh, yeah!
Uh, fellas, I want you to meet Mickey Mantle's monkey.
Curious George! Cool!
I have read all your books.
Randall.
Gentlemen, meet your new mascot.
Kirby figures he'll sell tickets.
This is my assistant.
Buderick J. Halsten. The pleasure is mine.
(CHITTERING) Hey! Oh.
(CHUCKLING) You call me Buddy, okay?
KIRBY: Buderick, no!
Ow!
BUDDY: Gotta get a tetanus shot.
I am Mr. Woods, your owner.
Now, you keep that in mind, and we'll get along just fine.
Nice monkey, okay.
Oh, no! It's not a toy. That is private property!
BUDDY: Stop that. You give the nice man back his hair. Put it down!
Back it up! No!
(STUTTERING) No. Give, give.
Watch this, Jack.
Where are your manners? It's mine!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Cover me. Cover me.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Carry on, gentlemen.
(SIGHS)
I expect you to treat him as an equal.
That shouldn't be too difficult.
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
Hi. I'm Randall Cszonka.
Where's The Man in the Yellow Hat?
CHUBB: Cszonka, I don't think he wants to talk right now.
Hey, why don't you hit some balls, huh?
Knock some of those rocks loose?
PLAYER: Come on, now. Come on, now. Let's go.
All right, everybody back to work!
Coop, did he do anything on the ride over?
Well, on the freeway, he stuck his face out the window
and slobbered in the wind like a dog.
(CHUCKLES) That's all?
Yeah. What do you expect? He's an animal, Chubb.
It's not like he plays ball or anything.
Well... PLAYER: Heads!
(ED SCREECHING)
UMPIRE: Out!
(CHUCKLES) No, Coop.
It's not like he plays ball or anything.
Oh, uh, how's your arm? Can you throw too?
(LAUGHING) (CHITTERING)
(CHITTERING)
(LAUGHS GOOFILY) Cool.
COOPER: Whoa!
Whoo! (LAUGHTER)
Hijole, nobody could beat his throw, Mano.
Dudes! Dudes! With an arm like that,
man, it would make us look great!
You're kidding, right?
No, no, no, no. Come on, come on, hey, Coop.
Look, remember, biologically speaking,
he's this close to you and me.
Okay, and there ain't much to bein' a ballplayer if you're a ballplayer.
Look at Zonk.
(GROANING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, Coop, what's his name?
I don't know. "Ed," I think.
You guys play with the monkey, all right? I got work to do.
Eduardo, as they say back home, mi casa es su casa.
Eddie, hell of a rifle you got goin', bud. Welcome aboard, dude.
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS) He's strong, man.
You're tickling me.
Yo, come on, Ed. Hey, come on.
Get him! No! No, no!
(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
Not a bad idea.
(EXHALES)
CHUBB: Come on, ladies, don't be shy. Take your chances.
Short stick rooms with the monkey.
PLAYER: Hey, it won't be me. I'll tell you that right now.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(CLEARS THROAT) You okay, Chubb?
Come on, take it, for cry...
(PLAYERS MURMURING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Gee, I wonder which one I'm gonna get.
Well, I'll be dumped in sheep dip.
(PLAYERS LAUGHING) Sleep tight, rookie.
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
PLAYER 1: Don't get too close, eh, Coop.
PLAYER 2: Sorry, Coop.
How the hell did that happen?
Well, I guess it's like I said, huh?
Must be your lucky day.
Forget it, Chubb. No way.
Come on. Everything was fair and square.
Chubb, he doesn't even like me. (CHITTERING)
Yeah, he does... Look at that, huh?
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, well, I don't like him.
Oh, I don't care. You room with Ed. Case closed.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch the door! This is a classic.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS BACK)
All right, this way. Come on.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I carry my food, you carry your food.
Look, Mom! LYDIA: I know he's up there, Liz.
No, he...
He would've talked to me a dozen times already if he wanted to.
Mom, just look.
(LAUGHS) Excuse me?
Uh, you know, most people just get a dog.
COOPER: Oh, he's not mine. He belongs to the team.
He's the new mascot. I'm sort of baby-sitting.
LIZ: He got a name, Mr. Deuce? (GROANS)
Yeah, Ed. His name's Ed.
Hi, Ed. I'm Liz. I live downstairs.
He's pretty cute.
Yeah, I guess. Do you like back hair?
(LAUGHING) Well, it works on him.
Uh, do you want to come over for dinner?
Only if Ed comes.
I'm making spaghetti.
Honey, there's one more bag in the car. Could you go get it?
Uh... Whoa! Ed!
(CHITTERING)
Would you look at that? The perfect man.
(CHUCKLES)
Look, Mom. He likes your flowers.
Well, that proves it.
I'm glad someone around here stops and smells 'em.
Are you trying to tell me something?
No, I just invited you over for spaghetti, trying to be neighborly.
Thought people from Oregon were into that.
COOPER: Apparently, people from Oregon
are into choking when it really counts.
Until I work out of this slump, I...
I gotta take a rain check.
But thanks.
(WHISTLES)
(LAUGHS)
LIZ: Bye, Ed.
(CHITTERS)
See you later.
He is one troubled guy.
I guess. But he's got a great butt.
Elizabeth!
(CHITTERING)
(GROANING)
COOPER: What? I just moved in. Give me a break.
And that business downstairs with the groceries.
Oh, you're such a brown noser.
Yeah. Look at it.
It's totally brown.
(CHITTERING)
Hey!
(HITS ED'S BACK)
(COUGHS) Huh?
Didn't your mother ever tell you not to do that?
Get down! Get down off of there.
(KNOCKING ON TABLE)
Get down!
What's the matter with you?
(LOUD WHIMPERING)
Oh, oh, okay. All right. Come on. Outside.
Outside. Come on. Outside.
Hurry up. Come on.
No, no, not in my bathroom!
Get out of there.
I'm warning you.
(UNZIPPING)
(ED GRUNTING)
Don't you do it.
(FARTING)
Oh, bad monkey! Bad! Damn it!
(ED MOANING)
Get outta there! (TOILET FLUSHES)
You blew it, pal.
How could you poop where I go to the bathroom, huh?
Oh, I'm gonna be sick. Hey! Come here! Come here! Hey!
(SPRAYING)
All right, that's it! Now get outta there!
(SCRUBBING) Hey!
Ed!
(ED HUMMING)
(SCRUBBING CONTINUES)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(SPRAYING)
(HUMMING CONTINUES)
Jesus! You went ape with the air freshener too.
Get down!
(CHITTERING)
Don't even think about it.
Hey, get away from my TV.
Where do you think you're going?
Not in there. That's my bedroom! No!
Get down off the bed.
(SIGHS)
(ED WHOOPING)
(HOLLERING)
(CREAKING)
(CRASHING) Aw, man!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Go away!
(ED WHIMPERING)
(SIGHS)
I'm gonna spank that monkey.
(QUIET CHITTERING) (CLATTERING)
(EXCITED CHITTERING)
Whee! (GASPS)
Very impressive.
Does this mean you want to help me practice, Ed?
All right, watch this.
(CHITTERING)
You think you're the only guy with an arm around here, Ed? Huh?
No problem.
(EXCITED CHITTERING)
(GROANS) Why can't I do this in a game?
Oh, geez, we're late! Ed!
Enough goofin' around. Let's hit it.
(CHITTERING)
Nice.
ART: The Sharks are eating Cooper alive in the fourth.
Hi, Uncle Art.
Hey, Lizzie.
If you weren't my niece, I'd make you pay for that.
One day you'll thank me, Uncle Art.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Cooper leans in for the sign.
He's shaking it off, again!
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh, no, Deuce, don't.
Even start thinking about it.
Hey, Coop. He'll tag it. Don't throw the...
(GROANS)
My God, he's gonna throw the curve again.
BARNETT: Show time.
Sit down, Barnett!
Whoa!
In!
ART: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) That ball is history.
(LAUGHING) Oh, boy!
And from the look on Chubb's face, so is Cooper.
Guess we know where he's headed.
RODRIGUEZ: Hey, Coop, turn around. PLAYER: Hey, Jack.
(LAUGHING) I know you got a lot on your mind, but, I mean, come on.
RODRIGUEZ: Turn around.
He's washing the bad luck off his uniform, Anderson.
Yeah, well, he better stand under Niagara Falls for a week,
with a case of Tide and a wire brush.
Yeah, right, dude.
(LAUGHING) BARNETT: I'm only trying to thank him.
Thanks.
Look, nobody's ever thrown a perfect curveball,
so I know that's still up for grabs.
But the world's worst curve,
that can never be thrown again.
Because, Deuce,
you just threw it.
Great speech, Barnett. Just so I don't forget a word of it,
why don't you take that pencil out of your pants
and write it down for me?
(PLAYERS LAUGHING)
Dude.
KIRBY: Hey, Cooper, got a minute?
Yeah, Cooper, got a minute?
COOPER: No. Good.
KIRBY: All right, then. Enough levity.
We're all big boys here.
Really big boys.
A little word to the wise. You choke, you croak.
Okay?
Cooper! You left the water on again.
California's half desert, son.
Waste not, want not.
(PLAYER GASPS)
(PLAYERS LAUGHING)
(PLAYER WHOOPING)
(CHUCKLES)
I said yes, but later.
Well, what's the occasion?
Since when do you need a special occasion to drink a beer?
No, I just meant...
Why the umbrella was on it.
Huh? Oh, those.
We're 30 games in.
Already?
(CHUCKLES) Let's start with a real easy one, huh?
(TISKS) Barnett.
Heads.
Looks like he'll be in the majors someday.
Still works.
Cooper.
Well, hacksaw my legs and call me "Shorty".
Okay, shorty, I'll try it again.
No, no. No.
Let it set there a while.
We'll see what side Cooper comes up on.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
How about that?
Here you go.
(MICROWAVE BEEPING)
Stuff builds strong bodies 12 ways.
(CHITTERING)
No, I'm not eating that. Mine's right here.
Ooh. This looks good.
Uh-uh-uh-uh!
(WHIMPERING)
Right there. That's yours. Right there.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Speed loves this stuff.
Look. Look at that. Gold medal. See that?
Now, dig in, stinky. (WHIMPERS)
(GROANS)
It's great.
Hey, hey! Hey! All right, all right.
(CHOMPING)
(CHITTERING)
Oh! (SPITS)
Oh, God!
Mmm.
Yuck! (ED TURNS ON TV)
MAN: (ON TV) ...to our late night special, The Descent of Man.
NARRATOR: Man's senses are much less acute.
He can't see like a falcon,
smell everything a dog smells...
All right.
You wanna play hardball, huh, Ed?
No problem. Two people can play at that.
Yeah, so enjoy my dinner,
'cause you're sleeping outside.
Possesses a brain that gives it the capacity of imagination
far beyond the limited mental activity needed for daily survival.
(CHOMPING)
(BURPING)
small appendages is outside his mouth,
and only man has developed a singular ability to reason
and to plan far into the future.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
(WHIMPERING)
Give me a break.
It's summertime, and you're covered in fur.
I think you'll live.
(WHIMPERING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(POUNDING ON DOOR)
(WHIMPERING)
How dumb do I look? Huh?
You wanted to play hardball, remember?
There's a sandbox down there, so, go pee your socks off.
And quit bangin' on the door.
(GROANING)
What the...
(GRUNTS)
Pillow?
(CHITTERING)
PAGEANT CONTESTANT: (OVER TV) but I'm like,
Oh, my God, there's so many beautiful women.
I couldn't believe it.
I didn't come here with the expectation of winning
because you can't do that with that many girls,
but I was surprised when I got here that the girls are very...
Whoa. Whoa.
(TV AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
(GROANING)
(ROARING)
(EXCITED GASPS)
(AIRPLANES DRONING ON TV)
(ED SQUEALING)
(CHATTERING)
(SIGHS) Ed!
(NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYING ON TV)
(ED HUMMING ANTHEM)
Mail call, gentlemen!
Stats!
Right here. There we go.
Barnett!
Present.
Zonk! All right.
Cooper!
Another care package from your mommy.
(CHITTERING) Hey.
Oh, you like that hat, huh?
(TIPTON LAUGHING)
TIPTON: Okay, all right. All right. All right.
Oh, Coop, man, you're wastin' it.
Wastin' what?
"Wastin' what?" Duh. The luck.
Man, this is precious, you know, like gold.
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
Oh, my God!
PLAYER: Who's seen my bag of dirt?
(SNIFFING) Have you seen my lucky bag of dirt?
Oh, that is fresh.
(LAUGHS)
(TIPTON CHUCKLES)
TIPTON: Cut week's comin', Ed.
You'll see guys hangin' onto the craziest things you've ever seen.
Rabbit's feet, earwax.
But it's all rubber crutches.
They'll collapse if you lean on 'em too much.
There ain't no luck in here.
(CHUCKLES)
All the luck you'll ever need is right in here,
and in here.
And I got a little something
for you to wrap and protect it in.
Now, what do you think of that?
(CHITTERING)
(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
That a boy.
(CHITTERING)
We even got you number seven, just like the Mick.
(LAUGHING)
He sure loves this game.
PLAYER: Let's get a good one today, fellas.
Lucky guy.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
In here and in here. Huh?
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
PLAYER: That a boy, Coop. Use that luck.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get him out! Get him out! Get him out!
(STADIUM ORGAN PLAYING)
Down! Get down! Get down!
Safe!
(GROANS) (CROWD BOOING)
You can lead the boy to water
or you can take the fish out of the country,
but you can't make the horse drink, Chubb.
Yeah, that's clear as mud.
What's next?
ART: The pitch is popped up!
Way, way, way up.
ANDERSON: I got it! Anderson's under it,
and he's... down.
Can you believe it?
I had to ask.
Give him a hand.
ART: I've seen better hands on a snake.
Time, Ump!
UMPIRE: Who you gonna sub, Chubb?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
ART: The ump calls time
as they haul the lanky third baseman back to the dugout.
Ooh, but that gives me a chance to remind you good folks
that Tuesday is Rocket Day at Joe's Quick Lube.
Come in for an oil change, and get a free ticket to the game.
It's a good deal for those tired wheels.
Okay, Ed, let's give it a shot, huh?
(CHITTERING EXCITEDLY)
Hey, Chubb! Sub the monkey.
He's the best looking player you got.
Farley, that's the first good idea you've had in 20 years.
ART: Oh, isn't that cute?
Ed's tagging along with Chubb.
Hang onto your peanuts, Rockets fans.
Playin' third, Chubb?
Well, reserve third. A hell of a glove.
What the hell's going on here, Bobby?
Tell Chubb to get this animal off the field.
We got a ballgame to play.
Can this animal play ball, Chubb?
Why, it's all he does. Stats, rule book!
Player eligibility.
There exists no rule that requires a player to be of Homo sapien origin.
Homo what?
(LAUGHS) Oh, wait a minute.
You guys are yankin' my chain.
You're in on this together, right?
It's a monkey, for crying out loud.
A chimpanzee, actually. His name's Ed.
(STUTTERING) Sullivan. Ed Sullivan.
I think he's serious, Greg.
No, no, he's not serious.
Chubb, you're not putting that monkey in this game.
That monkey does not play in this baseball game.
Look, we let all kinds of people play this game...
Oh, that's big of you, Greg.
Now, that's not what I mean.
You know that's not what I mean, Bobby.
But when it comes to a monkey, I draw the line.
No, no, it's not a monkey.
He's a third baseman.
Fine. But I am not gonna be a part of this travesty!
Oh, fine! You're outta here!
Fine!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Baseball is America's game.
Every American, regardless of race,
creed, color, species,
body hair, brain size,
has the right to play the game.
(CHITTERING) Take your position, son.
Play ball!
Why not? No outs, bases loaded,
top of the sixth, ape on third.
You know, I'm probably the first announcer in history who's said that.
I'll alert the media.
Oh, darling.
I am the media.
(CHITTERING)
UMPIRE: He's out!
(CROWD CHEERING)
UMPIRE: You're out!
(CHITTERING)
Damn!
That's the first unassisted triple play I ever seen, Chubb!
Tip, I, just this second, became totally unafraid of dying.
(CHEERING)
Looks like we got us a third baseman.
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
(CHEERING)
He's short, Chubb.
Real short.
Teeniest strike zone I ever seen.
Now, look, we can win with a walk.
(CHITTERING)
Try and get a walk. Four balls. Four balls.
Am I gettin' through to you? Huh?
Here you go.
Snafu, Ed. We don't carry bats in your size.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHING)
PLAYER: Get him, Ed. We do now.
(LAUGHING)
ART: How do you pitch to a guy
with a strike zone smaller than the ball?
Well, folks, with the game tied in the ninth
and the bases loaded,
the Devils' pitcher better figure it out fast.
Come on, come on, what you say, Ed?
Banana daiquiris all around, pal.
UMPIRE: Ball one!
(CHITTERING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
UMPIRE: Ball two!
Hey, hey, hey! Get...
ART: He seems to be having just a little trouble
finding that strike zone...
With a microscope.
(ART CHUCKLING)
UMPIRE: Ball three!
Ooh! The Sharks are about to get bit big-time.
(CHITTERING)
Patterson gets low. Real low.
UMPIRE: Ball four!
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey!
CROWD: (CHANTING) Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!
(PLAYERS CHATTERING)
CSZONKA: Hey, Coop, put it in here quick.
Gotta make sure it seals.
Yellow and blue make green.
See?
This thing's loaded.
Man, are you lucky!
(SIGHS) Here you go.
(CHITTERING)
Thanks.
Hey, Ed. Good game.
(CHITTERING)
Is Ed playing today?
He certainly is, sweetheart.
(CHITTERING)
ART: Way high! Ooh! Bad start for the rookie.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, boy, here comes Chubb and Barnett.
(SHOUTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Hooray! Double bagger!
Rockets win again!
(ALL CHEERING)
ART: The Santa Rosa Rockets have blasted out of the cellar
and are zooming into the stratosphere,
led by the hairy Houdini of the hot corner,
Ed Sullivan!
So, folks, let's hear it for your Santa Rosa Rockets!
(CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY)
Here we go, Ed. Get something going. Go.
(CHITTERING)
Huh?
(CHUCKLES)
Goddamn!
Fellas, I hate giving this talk, but, well, that's my job.
We've had a great ride lately.
We're right back in the pennant race,
and, well, you all should be proud.
You played hard, and that's what counts.
So don't take it personally if you get cut.
PLAYER: I don't wanna get cut.
CHUBB: That's just business.
If it was up to me, I'd keep every one of you.
Okay.
(SOFT CHATTERING)
PLAYER: All right, Stats.
(EXHALES)
DUSTY: (WHISPERING) Hey, yo, yo, look.
PLAYER: Hey, Bobby. Bobby, what'd you get?
(SIGHING)
Oh, yes!
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(SNIFFING)
All right, all right. Here we go. Come on.
To Dizzy Anderson.
ALL: To Dizzy!
A really nice guy, and may it never happen to us.
Amen.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hey, guys.
What's Dizzy gonna do now, huh?
Play dirt leagues for 10 years,
find some crappy job and die
knowing he wasn't good enough for the Show.
What the hell do you know, Barnett?
Huh? Dizzy will be a hero in his hometown.
What are you gonna be when you go home?
I'm not going home. I'm going to the Show.
Dios mio. I hope I make El Show.
To El Show!
ALL: To El Show!
(CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS)
(WHIMPERS)
Oh. (CHUCKLING)
Oh! (GRUNTS)
(LAUGHING)
(CHITTERING)
Don't hesitate,
designate.
(CHITTERING)
Ed. Ed!
I was only kidding, Ed. Ed, I was...
(GROANS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)
(CHITTERING)
(GROANS)
(ED HUMMING)
(UNZIPPING)
(URINATING)
Don't hog it.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
(URINATING)
(SIGHING)
(FARTING)
Oh, yeah, I hear ya.
(GROANS)
(BOTH ZIPPING)
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Thanks. (CHATTERS)
(SIGHS)
(CHITTERING SOFTLY)
Speed, you gotta do something about that breath.
(ED SNORING)
Speed.
(FARTING) (EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(CHITTERING)
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
(DOG BARKING)
(PANTING)
Hey, Deuce.
Yeah, sweetheart?
Are you gay?
What?
It'd be okay. No biggie.
No. No. No, I'm not.
Then why don't you like my mom?
I do like your mom.
Then why haven't you asked her out?
(SIGHS) Well, uh...
Is it because she has me?
(TUTS) Oh, sweetheart.
No. No, not at all.
Here, it's like this.
Does your mom make you do all your homework before you go out and play?
Duh.
Well, that's it, Liz. See, it doesn't really change much when you grow up.
There's still work stuff that you gotta do before you can have any fun.
Prioritizing, you mean?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, that's it. You got it.
If I use a semi-bad word, would you not tell my mom?
Your priorities suck, Jack.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, Mom.
LYDIA: Hi, sweetheart.
You look pretty today.
Thanks, Liz. Morning, Jack.
Hi.
Mind if I pick you up?
You don't have to pick me up.
Bye.
(GROANS)
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
(SIGHS)
TIPTON: You girls look lovely.
Rough night?
(CHUCKLING)
PLAYER: Oh, boy.
Mmm-hmm.
(GROANING)
Mmm.
All right, ladies. Come on. Come on. Let's go. Hit it.
(GROANING)
Forget practice. You're all useless.
Go on home.
PLAYER: Oh, thanks. I love you.
Uh, Coop.
Where you going? I just cancelled practice.
Oh, I heard you, but I gotta work out.
I'm gonna tell you something I never told
another ballplayer in my whole life.
Lighten the hell up.
It's called a ballgame.
It involves a ball, and it's a game.
It's... Well, it's supposed to be fun.
When was the last time you had any fun?
I don't know, Chubb.
That's what I figured.
Now, take the day off.
And do what?
Well, uh...
(CHITTERING)
Hang out with your roommate.
TIPTON: (CHUCKLING) Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, no, you don't.
(TIPTON LAUGHING)
Whoo!
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
Oh, boy.
What do you want to do next, Ed?
Do you want to watch paint dry?
Hey. (LIZ AND LYDIA CHATTERING)
(CHITTERING)
Whoa!
Here, Ed. Mine are much heavier.
Hi, Ed. Hi, Jack. Hey.
I'm just gonna get the door.
Well? What are you waiting for?
Oh, uh...
Can I... Oh, yeah, that would be great.
Thanks. That's great.
Oh, uh, just, uh, put 'em on the counter.
(CHITTERING)
COOPER: I'll just grab that last bag.
Hey, Liz, do you think your mom would mind if I picked one of these?
She'd mind if you didn't.
(CHITTERING)
You wanna ask her out for me, too?
Whatever it takes, big guy.
I think I can handle it from here.
(CHITTERING)
We did it!
(GIGGLING)
We're a good team.
(TV CHATTERING) (ED EXCLAIMS)
Wow. You...
You look...
LIZ: Great. Great.
(CHITTERING) Told you so.
(LAUGHS)
Thank you.
Do I need a jacket?
No... (CLEARS THROAT)
No, no. It's, uh, hot
out tonight.
Well, I'll hang it up for you, then.
It's probably just the same as your place.
(CHITTERING)
COOPER: Yeah, sure. Spitting image.
Bedtime's 10:00, Liz.
LIZ: Yes, Mom.
Behave yourself, Ed.
(WHIMPERING)
You sure this is all right? Positive.
He's the most responsible guy I know. They'll be fine.
(CHITTERING)
Last one to the kitchen's a rotten egg.
(CHITTERING)
Up for some ice cream, Ed?
(LIZ GIGGLING)
We've got lots.
(SLOBBERING)
(ED LAUGHING)
(SPITTING)
Whoops! (GIGGLING)
Good thing there's more where that came from.
(EXCLAIMING)
(CHITTERING EXCITEDLY)
Save room for dessert.
(SLOBBERING)
Ed? Ed.
(YELPING) Ed!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Pull!
(SLURPING)
(BURPS)
(SLURPING)
(LOUD BURPING)
Ew!
(LAUGHING)
(MAKING FARTING SOUND)
(LOUD FARTING)
(WHIMPERS)
Show-off.
(EXPLOSIONS)
Thanks.
Here you go. Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
Um, you know, should I call, or am I just being an over-protective mom?
I'm sure they're fine. We just got here.
I know, but...
Don't worry. Okay.
What's the worst that could happen?
(EXPLOSION) (GASPS)
(GIGGLING)
(MICROWAVE BEEPING)
BOY: Hi, Mom!
(CHILDREN SQUEALING)
My grandma was a wild thing.
(GIGGLING)
(RIDERS SCREAMING)
(SNIFFING)
(GROANS)
(CHITTERING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Got it! GIRL: I can't believe he made that!
Did you see that? Good shot.
That's great! Ah, what a surprise.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey.
He doesn't like me, but I bet you he'd love Lizzie.
Hmm? Oh.
Thanks, Deuce.
What? Did I say something wrong?
No. Uh.
You've never called me that before, that's all.
Uh, that's your nickname, right?
Because of... What is it? Like this.
Two fingers means a curveball, right?
(LAUGHING)
What's so funny?
That's a peace sign, I think.
This is a deuce. Down, like that.
(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)
Don't you...
(SHUSHING)
(FENCE RATTLES) Oh! Oops.
(CAT MEOWS)
(CUCKOO CLOCK STRIKING)
(BIRD CUCKOOING)
Oh, crap!
(GRUNTING)
MAN: (ON TV) This is an amoeba.
(DOOR OPENS)
These single-celled animals...
(SIGHS)
COOPER: See? Everything's fine.
LYDIA: I don't know what I was worried about.
He's a great friend. You're lucky, Jack.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
(CHITTERS)
(WHISPERS) Yes!
What should I, uh...
Oh. Um... How about over there?
Okay.
COOPER: Let me get my jacket.
(GASPS)
(CRASHING)
(TOY SQUEAKING)
LYDIA: Elizabeth!
COOPER: Edward!
(DOOR OPENS)
(SIGHS) Good night, buddy.
Hey, Ed?
Thanks.
(CHITTERS)
MAN: Just one, honey. Thank you.
VENDOR: Program? Programs!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Here you go. Programs!
(ED CHITTERING)
(KIDS CHEERING)
GIRL: Thank you, Ed.
Want a bite of my Nutty Nanner, Ed? Hey!
It's all there in the prospectus.
As a global entertainment franchise,
he'll earn 20 times what he would in the big leagues,
where he'd just be another great player earning mere millions!
(ALL LAUGHING)
The best thing is he's an animal, right?
Hey, gimme that!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Now what's he gonna do?
Renegotiate his contract?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, so we give him, like, a two-banana-a-year raise!
(ALL LAUGHING UPROARIOUSLY)
(SNIFFS)
(GRUNTS)
UMPIRE: Strike!
Oh, my God!
CHUBB: He's back.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
UMPIRE: Out!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Safe!
(ALL BOOING)
(CHUCKLES)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(FANS WHOOPING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Ed! Ed! Ed!
Hey! Great game, Ed. Hoo, hoo, hoo!
(CHITTERING) Aw, no.
Hey, you know, we got some new tropical-flavored drinks in that cooler up there.
Why don't you go get yourself one? Hoo, hoo, hoo!
(LAUGHING) Hey.
(EXCLAIMS)
(BOTTLE SHATTERING)
(ED SHRIEKING)
Ed!
(SCREECHING)
Ed!
(TRUCK RETREATING)
Ed!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ed!
What's going on?
None of your beeswax, Deuce.
Shut up. Where are they taking Ed?
Ed's just earned me an enormous amount of money.
Do good in the championship game,
and you'll be worth a lot of money, too.
You traded him?
I sold him!
Hey, you guys. The Rug sold Ed.
PLAYERS: What!
(ALL PROTESTING)
CHUBB: Yeah, Coop's right. The Rug sold him.
Now, look, I want you to concentrate on the championship game.
(ALL MUTTERING)
And remember, I loved him just as much as you did.
TIPTON: All right, all right.
(ALL GRIPING)
COOPER: It's not right, Chubb.
He's not an animal, Chubb. He's a ballplayer.
Ballplayers get traded.
Remember what Durocher said. "God watches over drunks and third basemen."
But he didn't say anything about pitchers.
Now, one more thing.
Woods is bringing Lasorda here for the championship game.
The way you pitched today, you pitch like that when Lasorda is here, and...
It could be a ticket to the big leagues for you.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
How do they expect him to play without his glove?
I don't know, honey.
But it's his property.
COOPER: Well, the way they see it, Ed's just an animal.
So, I guess he really doesn't own anything.
He owned third base.
Oh, Liz.
(SIGHS)
What are you gonna do?
I don't know. What am I supposed to do?
Ah! Hey!
Kirby sold him. What do you want me to do?
Steal him back? Yeah!
There's an idea.
Come on, Lydia, I can't do that.
When Jack Cooper is in trouble, you work twice as hard.
When it's anyone else, it's just too much trouble.
That's not true! That's great, Jack!
If Liz ever gets kidnapped, remind me not to go after her. It's too much trouble.
If your best friend can't count on you, who can?
Don't choke now, Deuce.
Hey, Deuce.
Hey.
Wait. What the hell are you doing here?
You're starting today for the pennant.
Yeah. But, I left my glove in the locker room last road trip.
It's my lucky glove, you know?
Hey, you better hurry.
Yeah.
(CLANGS)
MAN: Put it on, stupid.
Hey! (CLANGS)
Three seconds to put that thing on, monkey!
(ED CHITTERING)
How about a little stick time?
(ED SCREAMING)
COOPER: That's enough!
(GRUNTS)
(GROWLS) Oh, boy.
(GRUNTING)
I feel a home run coming on.
(LAUGHING)
(GROWLING)
(GASPING)
Nice monkey. Ah!
(GRUNTS)
He's a chimpanzee.
Animal.
(PANTING)
(KISSING) (LAUGHING)
I love you too, buddy.
We gotta go. Come on. Get down. Come on.
GOON 1: We gotta find him!
GOON 2: You see where he went, Rocco?
Moose, we lost him!
The Rug's gonna kill us!
COOPER: This way. Come on, Ed.
Up here.
Go!
(CHITTERING)
No. Go to the truck! Go to the truck.
Sorry! Uh, see you next season.
Okay, Deuce.
What about your glove?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
(GOONS SHOUTING)
(TRUCK ENGINE REVVING)
Ed? Ed!
(ED CHITTERING)
Oh, Ed, you little oinker.
(SHIVERING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hang on, Ed. Hang on!
(SCREAMS) (HORN BLARING)
(WHIMPERING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(HORN HONKING)
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Roll down your window.
TRUCK DRIVER: What?
Pull over!
Whoa! Look out!
What?
(HORN BLARING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
TRUCK DRIVER: What, are you crazy? Trying to get us killed?
You gotta open up the back! What?
Ed!
Oh, no, Ed.
Call an ambulance!
TRUCK DRIVER: Okay! Right away.
(BEEPING)
WOMAN ON PA: Nursing supervisor, please call extension 216.
Nursing supervisor, extension 216.
Wait, honey. Shh. Come here first.
(SIGHS)
You don't actually think he's gonna show up, do you, Chubb?
Well, you got... Oh, geez. Geez.
I mean, think about it.
He deserted his team to go play with a monkey.
All right. All right. Just tell me it isn't true, and I'll shut the hell up.
Well, why don't you just shut the hell up anyway, eh?
(SIGHS)
Pain in the ass.
I can't just leave him.
But you've gotta play today, Jack.
I know. I know.
But if he wakes up and there's no one here,
he'll be really scared.
I'll stay with him!
LYDIA: Oh, I don't know, honey.
I'll be okay!
Your team's depending on you, Deuce.
WOMAN ON PA: Dr. Butler to ICU.
And he needs a ride, Mom.
Be careful, but hurry. Okay?
Bye.
Um, now's a good time, you guys.
I think it's okay.
Yeah? Okay.
My animal handlers called. You're fired!
Cooper!
You set one foot on that field, and I'll have you arrested!
Knock me over with a cheesy goat fart.
Barnett! Warm up. You're gonna start.
(COOPER SHOUTING)
(DOOR SLAMMING)
Well, look who's here! (ALL EXCLAIMING)
Jack Cooper! And what a coincidence.
This is our championship game,
the game you were supposed to start!
COOPER: Listen, listen!
(INDISTINCT)
What!
CHUBB: Are you all right?
Go suit up.
Fellas, I got some bad news. Ed's in the hospital.
It's touch-and-go now. There's nothing we can do.
We could kill Kirby!
(GROWLING)
All right! All right! But after the game.
The championship game, remember?
The game we worked so hard for?
(ALL CLAMORING)
Let's win it for Ed! Yeah!
All right, all right! Go win the damn game,
then I'll help you kill the son of a bitch.
(ALL CHEERING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Kirby, where have you been, damn it?
Don't you know I have a pennant on the line here?
KIRBY: I'll explain later, Dad.
Mr. Lasorda, this is a great, great pleasure.
Where is Ed, the chimp?
Well, son?
What's all this about a trade? Where's Sullivan?
I swear, when you hear the deal I made,
you're gonna make me owner.
(LAUGHING)
Let's play ball!
(CROWD CHEERING)
ART: The Rockets are counting on Cooper's blistering fastball
to make up for the ill-timed loss
of clutch third baseman, Ed Sullivan.
I can't believe you sold the chimp!
Well...
I swear to God you were switched at birth!
Blah, blah, blah.
Let's go!
(GRUNTS)
Strike!
(MUTTERING)
What's that say?
125. (CLEARS THROAT)
125, Chubb.
He's off to a great start.
(ART ANNOUNCING ON TV)
You just get better, okay?
ART: This could be a hellish afternoon for the Devils.
Huh?
(CHUCKLING)
Whoa.
ART: Out!
Double play. The Rockets go down in the third without much of a fight.
He never asked for anything for himself.
So I'm asking for him.
Please.
Amen.
Here, Ed.
Medicine.
(BEEPING)
(BEEPING ACCELERATING)
(CHITTERING) (GASPS)
Ed! Hey!
Ed!
ART: Rodriguez appears to be wrapping up whatever it is he had on his mind.
(CHITTERING)
Doctor! Doctor!
Ah! He's really excited!
Do something!
Oh, this'll calm him down.
LIZ: No! What are you giving him?
Just gonna put him to sleep, that's all.
LIZ: No! No! No!
Oh. LIZ: Ed, are you okay?
I can't believe I just did that.
We need to get to the game.
Sure! I'm just gonna take a little nappy here.
And we need a ride.
Take an ambulance. They go fast, and they go whee!
(SIREN WAILING)
ART: Two to one, Rockets.
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Rockets are hanging on by one run. High and outside.
Ball four.
And that'll put the go-ahead run
at the plate for the Devils.
Folks, Cooper has carried his team this far, but nobody, nobody
throws a 100-mile-per-hour fastballs for nine innings without paying the price.
(SIGHS)
Time out!
Top of the ninth, go-ahead run at the plate, two outs.
And the bad news?
Ladies and gentlemen, now pinch-hitting for the Devils,
Kurt "The Crush" Bunyon.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Don't get much badder than that.
The Crush has been on injured reserve,
but the way he's been hitting Cooper this season,
he is gonna bite the bullet
for a shot at bringing the championship home for the Devils.
Your ace is here. Tough luck, Deuce.
Take it easy, huh? Just take it easy.
Chubb, I need a decision.
Okay, ump. All right.
(SIREN WAILING)
You're a hell of a good man, Coop.
If it was just me, you know what I'd do. But it's all of them, too.
The boys have worked hard for this.
I hate to do it, but this guy's got your number.
CROWD: Hoo, hoo, hoo!
CROWD: (CHANTING) Ed, Ed, Ed!
Ed.
Ladies and gentlemen, a VIP has just arrived,
and that is, Very Important Primate!
(CHITTERING)
(LAUGHING)
I'm gonna let you stay in, Coop.
Chubb!
Barnett!
Just do one thing for me, eh?
Win.
Ump!
Time.
BUNYON: Come on, ump. He can't do that.
Yeah, he can. Time.
(GROWLS)
(GRUNTS)
Jack, what are you doing?
Stopping to smell the roses.
(LAUGHING)
Hey.
Will you...
(GRUNTS)
(WHISPERS) Gimme a kiss, you know, for luck?
You bet I will.
(GROANS)
(CROWD WHOOPING)
(ALL CHEERING)
What kind of pitch you wanna miss?
Deja vu farm boy.
ART: Cooper's got the sign.
(EXHALING)
RODRIGUEZ: (YELPS) Strike!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(IN SPANISH)
(CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
RODRIGUEZ: Yeow!
ART: Bunyon crushes it.
It's going, going...
One foot foul.
(CROWD CHEERING) (LAUGHING)
Fastballs. Crush has got 'em timed. We're dead.
Hey, Al. It ain't over until it's over, buddy.
Mmm.
Hey, don't touch the bat, taco.
MAN: He's yours now, baby!
Well, The Crush has got Cooper's fastball timed now.
But the last time Cooper threw this guy a curveball,
he hit it out of the zip code!
So, Rockets fans, what's it gonna be?
(IN SPANISH)
(GRUNTING)
Yes!
Yeah!
Yes! Yeah!
(CROWD CHEERING)
RODRIGUEZ: Deja vu!
I want Cooper in LA next week!
Pay him whatever he wants!
(EXHALES)
(CHITTERING EXCITEDLY)
(CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY)
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh. Like I didn't see that, you guys.
(LAUGHING) Act your age.
You hungry?
(CHITTERING)