[**]
MAN: * Sometimes I feel like an arrow *
* Shot from a bow
* From a winnin' hand
* Through the thick of it all *
* I wanna climb to the top *
* Up to the highest peak
* But I start to freak
* When I get too high
* I take a breath
* I let it out
* And I ask myself
* What's it really all about? Yeah *
* We could fly
* Higher than the sky
* If we all get it together now *
* We could fly
* Straight into sunshine
* If we just get it together now *
* We can fly higher than the sky *
* If we just keep it together now *
* We could fly straight into sunshine *
* If we all get it together now *
[GRUNTING]
[FARTS]
[ANIMAL NOISES]
- [GOAT BLEATING] - [DOG BARKS]
[DONKEY FARTS]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
Hey, buddy, what the hell's going on in here?
Buddy?
[SNORING]
What is this, a circus? Who are you people?
It's a waiting room. We're waiting.
Well, you can wait outside, you know.
I'd carry the chairs out myself.
What is that?
It's actually, uh, like a high-tech boomerang.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Let me see.
You need the glove.
The homing mechanism is inside the glove.
Oh.
So, who's the defendant?
My best friend Frank.
Yeah? What'd he do? Weird stuff with animals?
N-no. No, no, no.
Nothing like that. It's a long story.
I got time.
Besides, you owe me.
I'm gonna have to clean up this shit.
Why not?
Have you ever heard of the, uh,
Melvin Kids 'R Kool Toy Company?
Of course.
I remember Frank got the head of the toy company,
Ms. Melvin herself,
to come out and see this great new invention.
This is the Boomerazoo,
the most amazing new toy since Barbie.
Now, the percent--
Please don't mention that little slut...
in our presence.
Right.
Anyway, Professor here...
has created the most
aerodynamically sophisticated projectile
this side of modern warfare.
All I have to do...
is set the internal gyroscope...
and I throw the Boomerazoo as far as I can.
And with unerring accuracy,
it will fly in a perfect circle and return directly to me.
Kids will literally be able to play with themselves.
JANITOR: I get it.
The ball comes back to the glove. Did they buy it?
I'm not finished yet, okay?
The real question is, did they prosecute?
[KLUNK]
It hit her?
It hit her because she had a metal plate in her head.
It acted like a magnet.
So, is she all right?
Well...
She lived.
My dreams of the Boomerazoo hittin' pay dirt are over.
Well, it hit something. It just wasn't pay dirt.
I should think by now failure would be easy for you to handle.
Thanks a lot.
You're the one who wanted to pursue a career as a full-time dreamer.
Get these missiles out of here!
If it wasn't for dreamers,
there wouldn't be any automobiles,
air conditioning, quilted toilet paper...
Or the hovercraft golf cart, or the Tofu fast food chain...
I was very close on that one.
The drought in Malaysia killed it.
Oh, and here's my favorite--
Women's Professional Mall Wrestling.
I like that one.
Mall owners have no imagination.
Go get your schoolbooks.
Why don't you get a job?
Live off somebody else's ingenuity for a change.
Any idiot can get a job, Leona.
- Apparently not. - Uncle Frank...
...Mommy says you're a lazy bastard.
Is that true?
Nick, watch your language.
I didn't say "lazy bastard," I said "crazy bastard."
- Get that plate out of here. - Nice. You turn my nephew against me.
Why don't you have him grow up to be a stockbroker
or an accountant or something, or worse off, a lawyer.
Oh! I should be so lucky.
And where do you get off badmouthing lawyers?
If you'd continued practicing law,
your life wouldn't be so miserable!
I quit 'cause I don't want my life to be miserable.
What are you gonna do? Sit around moping?
- Go outside and do something! - Yeah, like what?
Like maybe get Mom a birthday present.
Think she'd like a Boomerazoo?
JANITOR: Okay, go on. So, your friend's in trouble...
CARL: The trouble with my friend Frank is that he's always in trouble.
He would always come to me, like he did that day.
So, what's so important that I had to close my shop?
Gotta go buy my mother a birthday gift.
I closed my shop so I could help you buy a birthday gift for your mom?
Actually, I just needed someone to talk to.
I'm washed up, man. I struck out again.
Boomerazoo's a bust.
Forget it. You're not washed up.
You gotta keep swingin'. Don't let it get to you.
You need to relax, have some fun...
do something to get your mind off your troubles.
Don't let it get to you, Frank.
We've been friends for ten years, and I have faith in you.
You've had a hundred great ideas.
None of them ever worked,
but you always got off the floor and came out swingin'.
Thanks for your vote of confidence.
You're Frank Hopper, man with a million ideas--
several of which made sense.
Well, I'm out of ideas, Carl. I'm runnin' on empty.
You're just in a slump, but I know how your mind works.
When you least expect it, you see something that has
nothing to do with anything, and that's when it hits you!
Well, that pot of gold at the end of that rainbow
is further away than ever.
At least you have a sister who supports you.
She doesn't support me. She puts me up to watch Nicky.
This is it.
Look at this. My mother'll love it.
See, great ideas still happen.
What the hell is it?
An ass warmer.
Why didn't I think of it?
Good idea. You should've thought of it.
$139.09. How would you like to pay for that, sir, cash or credit?
Cash.
We're doing a store survey to see who our customers are.
Would you like to fill one out?
You get a free pen, and I make $2.
Sure, I can always use another pen.
What do you think--me or...
Oh, no, definitely you.
You wanna fill one out? You get a free pen.
CARL: No, thanks. I have enough pens.
You have enough pens?
[IMITATES SEAN CONNERY] Good evening, Moneypenny.
I do believe I'll be driving the Aston Martin this evening.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Who is it?
LEONA: Publishers Clearing House. You lost.
Who do you think it is?
Wait a minute. The guy lives in a garage?
He's actually moving up in the world.
He used to live in my basement.
I really appreciate you doing this for me tonight.
You said you'd evict me if I didn't.
[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]
- WOMAN: No, you didn't. - MAN: Yes, I did.
MAN: You should tell her the story.
Crab cakes, anyone? Crab cakes?
No, thank you.
Don't I know you from AA?
MAN: That's right. I slipped.
Crab cakes?
WOMAN: Thank you very much.
Frank! What are you doing?
I told the partners I'd oversee the party.
Don't embarrass me.
It'll be fine.
WOMAN: Frank.
Jessica.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you, too. You look beautiful.
Honey, I've been looking all over for you.
This is Norman Brown. Norman, Frank Hopper.
Pleasure to meet you.
You're... Jessica's ex-beau, right?
Uh-huh.
Are you a waiter?
Oh, no. No. Just hungry.
Oh.
Jess'll tell ya, I'm a sucker for crab cakes.
Mm-hmm, yes.
What do you do, Norman?
I'm the assistant D.A.
Wanna try one?
No, thank you.
MAN: Excuse me, waiter, may I try one of those?
Oh, sorry, pal... I'm not a waiter.
Assistant D.A., huh?
If I'm not mistaken, you are a waiter,
and I don't appreciate your attitude.
Listen, buddy, I'm just--
[GROANS]
- FRANK: Oh, my... - MAN: What...
- Oh, you stupid... - I'm so, so, so sorry.
- Get off of me! - Excuse me.
- I didn't mean to do that. - Jerk-off!
Oh, my God.
I'm so, so sor--
[MEN GRUNTING]
[GROWLING]
Holy mother of...
WOMAN: Honey, he's drowning the little person!
MAN: Who was that man?
WOMAN: Hank, do something!
HANK: Like what?
WOMAN #2: Is he all right?
I saw what that guy did to you.
You'd be well within your rights to...sue!
Stop him!
WOMAN: Go help him.
MAN: What do you want me to do?
Get me his name!
Let me help you.
Oh! Whoa!
Whoa!
Ow!
That's the last time I ask him to work a party.
FRANK: I'm gonna call it
the World Wide Women's Hockey League.
The World Wide Women's Hockey League?
This sounds like another Professional Women's Mall Wrestling.
Why would anyone want to watch a bunch of toothless women
with thick ankles and bulky clothing
beating each other with sticks?
Men love to watch women beat the hell out of each other.
They're gonna be beautiful women.
They'll have their teeth.
How'd you come up with this incredible idea?
Jessica fell on a floor full of ice.
She knocked out two other women.
Then this crab cake almost took my head off.
Makes sense to me.
Oh, your limo has arrived.
Right on time.
FRANK: Hi, kids.
KIDS: Hi, Frank!
Did you do your homework last night?
Good girl.
Hey!
Nicky! My favorite nephew. Brought you a hot dog.
CARL: What's up, Nick?
FRANK: Stanley, whassup!
Just chillin'.
I'm telling you, Carl, World Wide Women's Hockey.
This is the home run I've been waitin' for.
Think about it. The WNBA, women's basketball, very successful.
There's millions of hockey fans out there like us.
You'd watch women play hockey, wouldn't ya?
Are they topless?
Turn around. Do your homework.
Another victim of Internet porn.
It's gonna cost a lot of money.
Tiny skates, and her ice skates
and outfits alone cost me a bundle.
So?
- So? - So.
So last time I checked, you were so broke
you had to scrimp change from the couch to buy lunch.
Just a bump in the road, my friend.
Somehow, someway, the universe provides for those who wait.
I've waited long enough.
This could be the start of something big.
I could feel it.
Hold it, hold it. What was your buddy thinking?
Women?! Playing hockey?!
[LAUGHS] That's unnatural!
But then, who needs natural, anyway?
Exactly.
CARL: So, he had the idea,
but of course he didn't have the money to pull it off.
Then, it happened.
God came through.
Yes!
WOMAN: You just never take me out.
We never go anywhere.
You spend a lot more time with miserable Frank than you do with me!
He's going through a tough time right now.
He's my best friend.
And what am I, chopped liver?
I'm telling you now,
this relationship is goin' nowhere.
There are a lot more guys who treat me better than you!
I bought you lunch three times this week.
This isn't lunch!
It's...it's food!
Ask and ye shall receive.
Pre-approved!
It's a mistake.
You don't even have a bank account.
They must realize my potential.
Potential bankruptcy.
Hey, who am I to argue with these people?
They know everything about everybody.
They got computers now that can tell the future.
They know precisely who's gonna win the Super Bowl months in advance.
You don't know, 'cause they don't wanna spoil the TV ratings.
Anyway, nowadays, everybody's got a credit card.
I understand that, but you?
Well, maybe I'm turning a new page in my life.
I hope it turns out better than the rest of the book.
Come on!
Go home, get changed.
Tonight we celebrate.
CARL: He gets one credit card,
and all of a sudden to Frank, it's Christmas.
Trouble was, it was September.
Frank, you're nuts.
You're charging way too much.
Credit card companies are not Santa Claus.
- At some point, you have to pay. - I'm gonna pay.
When the W.W.W.H.L. hits it big, and it will,
I will pay it all back with interest.
Yeah, a lot of interest.
Mere pennies, my friend. Can you take the tree?
[CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING]
LEONA: Frank, you here?
We're in the living room, Leona!
Whose car is that out there?
What the hell's going on here?
It's not Christmas.
Merry Extra Christmas.
And these presents under the tree?
They're for you... and for you.
Nick, buddy! Left one out.
This one's got your name on it.
Check it out.
This big package here is a new video game.
You'll love it! You can kill millions of people.
Well, Frank...
NICK: Wow, just what I wanted!
You wanna tell me what's going on?
Nothing. I just wanna show my appreciation for helping me out
and putting me up these last few years.
You're welcome.
So, what happened? Super Lotto?
Knock off a Brink's truck? What?
I can assume it isn't a job.
Want some more champagne?
Carl, you want some champagne?
CARL: Absolutely.
It's an enterprise.
I have an important meeting tomorrow
with some big investors.
They wanna get in on the ground floor.
An enterprise?
An enterprise that actually earns you money?
Yeah...you know, in the future.
Make us even more than it's making us now.
An enterprise that earns you enough money to rent a new car
and buy all these sorts of gifts?
Is this enterprise legal?
Leona, I'm hurt you'd even ask me that.
I'm not gonna bail you out this time.
You're not gonna have to bail me out of anything.
Merry Christmas.
FRANK: Ladies and gentlemen, potential investors...
welcome to the opportunity of a lifetime.
Now, I believe that the project I'm about to propose
can and will turn a profit in less than 16 months.
It is a virtual goldmine on ice.
I like to call it the Three-W.H.L.
The World Wide Women's Hockey League.
MAN: [CHUCKLING] Women's Hockey?
[ALL LAUGHING]
That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.
This is worse than the guy that tried to sell us mall wrestling.
CARL: So, what did they invest?
First we gotta start small.
Just two teams, beautiful women that can really play hockey.
Next year, we build a fan base.
We start selling franchises, merchandising, television...
Television, that's the big money.
Here it is, partner-- the new home of the W.W.W.H.L.
It's a shit hole.
I got some buddies comin' in tomorrow
to help clean the place up.
Once the ice is in, this place'll be shining.
God, it's a shit hole!
Okay, so it needs some work.
We've never been afraid of hard work before,
and this time we got financial backing.
Keep it down over there. I'm trying to get some sleep.
Who the hell is that?
That's Elvis.
He's sleeping in the net!
Yeah, he lives here.
I gotta run to Leona's. I got a couple errands.
Can you pick up that hockey gear?
I'll meet you back here. Thanks, brother.
What are you looking at?
Hey! Hey, wait up!
Jess, wait up!
Hi.
You here to see Leona?
I just thought I'd take a spin around her driveway.
Nice wheels.
- Yours? - Yeah.
Things are going great. I got a new line of work.
I'm in sports promotion.
Really? What are you promoting?
Midget wrestling?
It's the World Wide Women's Hockey League.
You should come check it out sometime.
I don't think so.
You could bring the boyfriend.
We broke up.
Really?
Then you should definitely come by and check it out.
We'll see.
Hey, Elvis. Here you go.
What is this?
Turkey sandwich.
Oh, I can't eat this shit, man. I'm a vegan.
How about a veggie burger?
FRANK: Hey.
Hey.
I got you a turkey sandwich.
Thanks, man.
Phone's been ringin' off the hook.
People put in bids for food service.
A publicist and the uniforms guy called.
- Wants to set up a meeting. - What about the advertising?
- Ads in the local papers and the Internet. - Anything else?
The work crew showed up.
We had to pile up all that crap.
Let me show you what we did.
You're my partner, man, and I got something better.
- What? - We got the Coliseum opening night.
Col--the Coliseum?
[BOTH SCREAM]
Holy shit! How'd you swing that?
They take credit cards.
- Credit Card Central. - Credit Card Central.
Hold on just another moment...
One moment, please.
- Credit Card Central. - Credit Card Central.
How many? How much?
Oh, yeah. I'll get right on it. Yes!
I know you're out there. I know you're out there.
You can run, but you can't hide.
Mr. Hopper, I'm gonna keep an eye on you.
Oh, this is great.
Lookin' good, man!
Too many people in here. It's a zoo.
Nice turnout, huh?
Certainly is!
- Never gonna sleep in this-- - Elvis, blow the horn.
[LOW SQUEAK]
A little louder.
[HORN SOUNDS]
WOMAN: All right, that's it! Good job! Yeah!
Good morning!
WOMEN: Good morning.
Welcome, and thank you all for coming.
As you know, these tryouts are for the first two teams
of the World Wide Women's Hockey League.
Now, the coaches, my associate, and I will be watching you very carefully.
This is the start of something big.
You could be a part of something very special.
Number 17! Number 7!
[**]
32!
Number 11!
Number 13!
Wow.
CARL: All right.
Number 21!
31!
18!
Number 38!
MAN: Okay, take a shot.
MAN: Get in close.
MAN: Here we go.
MAN: Good shot.
And...number 8!
Hello? I said number 8, front and center!
Hello?! I said number 8!
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
You ready to make history?
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[LOUDER] Are you ready to make history?
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
Okay, number 36!
Hey, Tiny.
Why aren't you doing Ice Capades or something?
I done that. No fun.
I'm dying to knock the shit out of somebody.
How come your girlfriend's here?
Tiny's a skater. She's a good skater.
Number 26!
But she's a figure skater.
This can get pretty rough, you know.
Trust me. She can get pretty rough, too.
[**]
Well, that was fantastic. That about wraps things up.
The names of those chosen will be posted
on the locker room wall,
and our first full practice in pads will be Monday.
- We're in business, Coach. - GRUFF VOICE: Wait! Please wait!
Can I help you, pal?
I--I already tried that one, brother.
Hey, this guy said I can't try out!
This tryout's for women only.
I am a woman!
Wendy Delvecchio from Steubenville.
I'm sorry I'm late.
Just give her a chance. I'm blacking out here, man.
What we have here is a hockey player.
Man, we gotta have a face-off.
Anybody wanna take a face-off against Wendy?
Excuse me, but does anybody wanna get hit by a truck?
No. I'll pass until we get pads.
Yeah, uh, I think I'll just watch.
I'll do it.
So, what do you think?
- Do your thing. - All right.
Um, h-honey...
You sure, Tiny? She's pretty big.
Hey, it's hockey, and I'm a skater.
And I'm tough, okay?
I mean, what could happen?
So, uh, a couple of months then, huh?
Honey, it looks like a concussion,
a broken arm, and three fractured ribs.
You'll be okay in a couple of months.
I'll bring some lunch to the hospital!
[PLAYERS SHOUTING]
It's "lavatories," you know, with a "V," not a "B."
Lavatory.
Oh...yeah.
Sorry, man.
Had my mind on something else.
Tiny left me.
She moved in with the paramedic.
I'm sorry to hear that. That's pretty funny.
It's okay. I'm kinda lonely, though.
We ate lunch together a lot, you know?
- [CELL PHONE RINGS] - I'll buy you lunch. Don't worry about it.
- Thanks. - Hello?
Yeah. I'll call you back.
Hey! My two favorite lawyers!
- Hi. - Hey.
I'm gonna go take another look at the rink.
So, this is the practice arena. Wow.
How 'bout if I show you around?
Yeah.
And this is the Almighty Swans' locker room.
Foxes have one just like it.
Wow.
Got something else I wanna show you.
Wanna see the hot tub?
Yeah.
Remember the hot tub?
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
[BOTTLE SQUISHES]
Ohh!
Can I get you anything?
The cot you gave me is murder on my back.
See what I have to put up with?
I could really use a massage.
Jess, we had a pretty good thing going for a while.
You can't say it wasn't a lot of fun.
You changed, Frank.
[ELVIS HUMMING]
You live in a dream world, and you never finish anything.
You used to be a damn good lawyer.
Then, I don't know what happened.
You became...
you became this.
I know, but it's different now.
This isn't a dream. This is real.
And I've changed.
I'm on to something, and it could be a winner.
I'm gonna be dependable,
and I'm gonna take this all the way.
I hope so...
Mr. Dependable.
Elvis, what the hell are you doing?
My laundry.
[LAUGHS]
So, what do you say?
What do I say to what?
Dinner tonight.
Okay, I'll have dinner with you.
But just dinner, Frank.
Just dinner, no funny stuff.
Absolutely.
No funny stuff.
MAN: * How come you won't go away? *
[PASSIONATE MOANS]
JESSICA: Oh! Ha ha ha!
- [VASE SHATTERS] - JESSICA: Oh!
FRANK: Come back here.
That was great.
Frank, we were always good at that part.
It's the other stuff we mess up.
Let's just stay in bed.
We're not starting all over again.
This was just something that happened.
We'll take it nice and slow and see.
No funny stuff?
Well.
Maybe a little funny stuff.
You look pretty. Do you have a date?
Skip's picking me up at 9:30, so I got about 10 minutes.
His van's parked outside. I just saw him.
- Really? Oh, wow. - Yeah, he's there.
See you later.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO]
[WOMAN MOANING]
[WOMAN MOANS]
MAN: Oh, yeah, who's your daddy?
Hey, you'd better be talking to your kid in there!
Skip!
Skip, open the goddamn door!
Skip, I'm gonna break this door off!
WOMAN: They're always at it.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Hey, babe. I was just coming in.
Yeah, I noticed. Who's she?
Just a chick that I met who needed a lift.
You were giving her more than a lift.
- You were fucking her! - What are you talking about?
I saw it with my own eyes.
You having trouble with your eyes?
My eyes are perfect!
I guess they're not.
- Come on, let's go. - Fuck you.
I said let's go!
And I said fuck you!
Son of a bitch!
Oh, man.
[WITH FRENCH ACCENT]
Morning, Elvis.
Could we get a subscription to the New York Times?
This crossword puzzle's a real turd.
Little chilly in here last night.
I was shivering in my sleep.
It's an ice rink.
This place was better without the ice.
I'll get you an ass warmer.
Ass warmer? Great invention. Everything was coming together.
The girls were kicking butt in practice, and they looked awesome.
Damn.
That locker room must have been smokin'.
No, I mean, I wouldn't know.
Anyway, I had other things on my mind.
I found out about the "investors."
Morning.
What's up?
Well, that's what I'd like to know.
So, I finally met some of your phantom investors.
Yeah, I found these in the back of the closet.
Are you gonna tell me what's going on here?
They keep sending me cards, Carl.
I got the first one. I was pre-approved.
I start using it, they send me six more.
I made the minimum payments on those,
and other banks start sending me two dozen more--
You're pyramiding!
I don't see it that way.
I consider it extending my credit parameters.
They charge, like, 20% interest.
That's worse than pyramiding.
This is bad, man.
This is very, very bad.
This is not how banks loan you money
to start a new business.
Would a bank loan me money to start a business the usual way?
Of course not.
I rest my case.
I mean, look at this!
Uniforms and equipment, $21,000!
How come you bought 144 sports bras?
We have 32 players.
That's 64 tits.
They gave me half off if I bought 'em by the gross.
Lighten up!
Rental on the arena
and ice-making facilities for 6 months, $18,000!
Estimated weekly advertising budget
and public relations, $16,000.
And an evening with the world's greatest female hockey players...
priceless.
Priceless.
There never were any investors, were there, Frank?
I couldn't get 'em to share my vision.
We are so screwed.
Carl, listen to me.
The way I see this,
the credit card companies are the investors, all right?
This is so easy.
All we have to do is keep making the minimum payments.
Keeps them off our back.
As soon as the league is a success, I pay everything off.
But Frank, we haven't even played our first game yet.
What if the league's not a success?
I refuse to even let that thought enter my mind.
Hey, did you know that China's
the second-largest credit card nation in the world?
I assume you're the first.
Holy shit. What a mess.
DANIELLE: Carl.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
What?
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
...masturbate!
She wants to know how long the jury's gonna be masturbating.
Oh, deliberate.
Juries deliberate.
I have no idea.
We just have to relax.
Relax?
Yeah.
DANIELLE: Relax.
Relax.
[GIGGLES]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Uh-oh.
Broken!
[MOANS]
I love the French.
Oui, oui.
Wait a minute. You've gone too far, Mr. Hopper.
You have crossed the line.
You're finished, done, history.
I'm going right to the top with this one.
Got you.
What do you think, Chief?
This has become a personal matter, gentlemen.
String him up by the balls.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
MAN: Okay, ladies.
Great job. That's it for today.
Let's hit the showers.
Gotta hit 'em harder, Salina.
Gotta move faster and use that stick more, Danielle.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
Right.
You look sharp out there, Wendy. Everything okay?
I think I gotta quit, Frank.
Quit? You can't quit. Tomorrow night's the first game.
My boyfriend cheated on me.
I'm going through a very emotional time.
I'm fucking devastated.
Seemed like an all right guy.
I mean, you got a good thing going?
No, he had no class.
We beat the hell out of each other, but...
underneath all this muscle I'm very feminine, Frank.
I need a man.
You'll find someone, Wendy.
A woman of your imposing stature, you'll find someone.
I don't know. Men seem to be afraid of me.
Baby, you're just going through a tough time right now.
These things always got a way of working themselves out.
Take it from me. Look, I know.
I must have broke up with my girl 20, 30 times,
and we're back together again.
Yeah.
Thatta girl.
I know a great guy who'd love to take you out to dinner,
help you forget about your problems.
- What do you say? I'll call him. - Okay.
- All right? - Yeah.
No way.
Come on, she's a very nice girl, and you're lonely.
No.
She's very sensitive.
No.
Her boyfriend was cheating on her.
She just lost her boyfriend. You just lost a girlfriend.
And she's lonely.
Well, rent her a gorilla.
I mean, what am I, a goddamn escort service
for women who are bigger,
stronger, and tougher than I am,
but not as attractive?
At least I didn't fracture my girlfriend's jaw.
Carl, she's the best player we got.
Don't you think it makes sense to make her happy?
Fine, but why me?
There's some people around here starting to wonder about your...
sexual orientation.
Come on, you rent a limo,
get her some flowers or something.
Here's the cards. Get yourself some cash.
Codes are right in the bag.
Attaboy. You take one for the team.
And you say some nice things to her.
She's a very fragile flower.
Yeah.
[TIRES SCREECH]
I want all the credit cards, all the code numbers,
or you're a dead man.
Dead.
Be my guest.
What happened to you?
I got mugged.
Ooh.
They get the money?
Not a cent.
They get the credit cards?
I gave him the cards, but then he gave them back.
That's when he decked me.
'Cause you wouldn't give him the codes?
I gave him the codes.
He hit me because he couldn't get any money.
You're all maxed out.
This guy who held me up,
he said even his credit cards were good.
Maxed out, huh?
Banks--never there when you need 'em.
Don't worry, I got more.
All right, listen to me.
You take my car to get Wendy, but do me a favor.
Push the seat all the way back. She needs a lot of legroom.
Right.
A lot of legroom.
[**]
MAN: * Yes, here comes your pimp daddy *
WOMEN: * Pimp daddy
* Yes
* Oh, that's crazy
* Pimp daddy
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Carl.
Hi.
You look nice.
Thanks.
I put my tooth in.
Wow.
It looks so real.
It is real, I just don't know if it's mine or not.
You know, after a fight, you don't know
whose teeth are whose, so you just pick one up.
Sure, sure.
And a little Krazy Glue...
Stays pretty good.
Here, this is for you.
The grocery store didn't have any flowers,
so I got you a plant.
You are the sweetest little thing.
[**]
* Pimp daddy
[BLUES PLAYING]
This is so good.
Boy, when they say "all you can eat night,"
they really mean you.
What do you mean by that?
Because I love a woman with a healthy appetite.
[BELCHES LOUDLY]
Well, here we are.
It was a great night.
I'm really glad you enjoyed your dinner.
Would you like to come in for a cup of tea or something?
I'd really love to,
but I gotta be at the arena very early tomorrow.
You know, it's opening night and all.
I understand.
Would you mind just, like, coming in for a minute,
until I get the lights on?
It would make me feel a lot safer.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Okay.
You're not...
going anywhere.
I mean it.
[WHIMPERS]
["WHATEVER LOLA WANTS" PLAYING]
WOMAN: * Whatever Lola wants
* Lola gets
* And, little man
* Little Lola wants you
* You're no exception to the rule *
* I'm irresistible, you fool *
* Give in...
Fuck or fight.
* Give in
[SIREN BLARING]
- Hey. - Hey, pal.
CARL: Is that Nick and his pals out there?
FRANK: Yeah, playtime.
How'd it go last night?
Well, after they took me off oxygen
and I got out of the emergency room
and went back to her apartment...
You dog!
[LAUGHS]
Best goddamn night of my life!
What's this?
That's a friendship puck.
Wendy gave it to me.
Yeah, and I still carry it with me wherever I go.
Aww.
Don't tell me--Wendy?
Yeah.
Hi, babe.
Hi, doll.
I'm gonna go get us some candy.
WOMAN: It's not working.
WENDY: What?!
So this was it. Opening night. Our big chance.
Finally, one of Frank's dreams became a reality.
MAN: Over here, I got some tickets!
MAN: Save us a seat, will ya?
Oh, my God, oh, my God, this is so awesome.
Women hockey players. This is what I so wanna be.
Penny, you don't even skate.
Don't be such a bitch, Glenda.
WOMAN: Hey, I'm over here behind the fat guy.
Where's our seat?
MAN: Right over here, Michelle.
Great, we're in front!
Peanuts here.
Stale, overpriced peanuts.
Want your stale peanuts?
Yeah?
Wow. All right, all right, terrific.
We've got 2,000 seats sold already.
It's gonna be a great opening night.
For a new league, this is fantastic.
I'm so excited, I'm gonna die.
Hey, who's that guy on the ice?
I like his suit!
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to an historic evening,
the debut of the World Wide Women's Hockey League,
a night we will all long remember.
And without any further ado, I give you the Almighty Swans!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[CROWD CHEERING]
We love you, Swans!
And these are your Fearsome Foxes!
Come on!
I'm so proud of you, Frank.
Although I still think you were a great lawyer,
I think you've finally found your niche.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[**]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[SHOUTS]
Whoo!
Keep your shirt on! Come on.
Let's get in the game.
MAN: * You don't know if you're gonna make it through *
* You wanna take it higher
* You know exactly what you gotta do *
* Don't ever lose your fire *
* The whole world's covered in sparks *
* Now I know you're gonna lose your heart *
* The whole world's covered in sparks *
* Yeah, I know you're gonna lose your heart *
[CROWD GROANS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CHEERING]
Yeah! Whoo!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
- Get it! - Get the puck! Get the puck!
Move it! Move it!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
Toss it away!
You got it!
Let's go!
[SIRENS WAILING]
No! Wendy!
Wendy, baby! I'm coming, baby! I'm coming!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, this is so incredible!
Glenda, they need me.
* O say, can you see
* By the dawn's early light
* What so proudly we hailed *
* At the twilight's last gleaming? *
Whose broad--
Come on, we got a hockey game to finish here!
[CROWD CHEERING]
[**]
MAN: Fans, remember, while you're waiting for the next period to begin,
please visit one of our refreshment stations...
If that's the worst thing that happens tonight, we'll be okay.
... all major credit cards are accepted.
Frank Hopper?
Yeah.
Mr. Hopper, I'm Detective Feretti, Fraud Division.
I have a warrant for your arrest.
What?
I'm his attorney.
On what charges? He just broke that fight up.
Nothing to do with that, Counselor.
It's grand larceny, credit card fraud,
seeking and gaining credit fraudulently, misuse of bank funds,
and misrepresentation with intent to defraud.
What?
Congratulations, Mr. Hopper. You've won top honors this month.
So this is how you did it.
Mr. Dependable.
Jessica, wait a minute.
- Thanks for bailing me-- - Not a word, Frank, not a peep.
Boy, you really did it this time.
Failure wasn't good enough for you, was it?
You had to try your hand at crime as well!
Do you have any idea how many laws you broke?
If you charge an exorbitant amount of money
knowing you don't have the means of paying that back, it's fraud.
It's a crime, or the credit card companies
would like to prove that as a warning to entrepreneurs like you.
And they say you falsified a credit application!
I didn't know-- the cashier told me it was some kind of survey.
She got two dollars and I got a pen.
Wow! You got a pen!
But then I got the card,
and I had the idea for the league, but it was working!
You're gonna need a trial lawyer now.
I'm gonna have to think about this.
JESSICA: No, no, no.
No.
Please, Jessica.
He lied to me,
and I fell for the whole song and dance all over again.
I know.
He's a conniver, an opportunist, a failure, a loser,
a freeloader, a parasite, a bum!
A deceitful, lying rat.
So he's not perfect.
He ripped off the credit card companies-- how bad can he be?
I can't do it.
These bastards are playing hardball.
They're gonna make Frank the poster boy
for 40 million credit card delinquents.
There's no way I would ask you to do this, but...
he's looking at doing jail time, Jess.
Why can't you represent me?
I draw up contracts and have drinks with people.
You could be going away for a long time!
I'll get a public defender.
You're playing with the big boys.
You need the best lawyer you can get, and Jessica is the best!
I just get a feeling she thinks I'm a con man and a liar.
And what makes you think that?
She told me.
I know you think you've totally blown it with Jessica.
I know you think that there's nothing you could do to make it right.
All that is true, but put it behind you.
She's doing this as a favor for me.
The kids put some stuff from their lunches for you to take to prison.
Thanks, Nicky.
Okay, you win.
JESSICA: Before we start, I wanna get one thing straight.
I'm the lawyer, and you're the client and nothing else. Got it?
Yeah, I got it.
He wants to call you as his only witness.
He. Who's he?
Norman Brown. He's prosecuting the case.
Your old boyfriend Norman Brown?
He'll kill us.
He can't make you testify,
and I'm not gonna let him put you on the stand.
What'll he do if I don't testify?
Probably call Leona, Carl, maybe Nick.
Nick's 9 years old.
He'll wanna prove you have no work ethic.
I'll testify. I could prove I have no work ethic.
I don't want you to testify.
I'm not putting him through this.
They wanna make an example of you.
They wanna put your picture in the paper
and prove that credit card debt is real debt, not just paper debt.
And then they'll settle.
What'll happen to the league?
Frank, the league is over.
It's kaput.
At least you won't do jail time.
WOMAN: We gotta hurry up.
Let's redeem the girls.
I'll testify!
Nearly all of us, at one time or another, have been in debt...
but being in debt indicates a desire and an expectancy to pay.
This man had no such delusions.
The assistant district attorney wants you to believe that my client
has lived in failure--
Failure, delusion... and now crime.
He has lived in dreams and imagination.
It is a criminal offense to acquire a credit card by falsifying an application.
But some of the greatest advances of mankind have come
from the dreams of those who were laughed at.
...assume credit card debt, knowing full well
you do not have the ability or the intention of repaying that debt.
The assistant district attorney wants you to believe--
He is nothing more than a common criminal.
He is not, for if he is a criminal,
we'd better start building more jails,
because as we sit here, there are 40 million people in this country,
40 million people, who are in debt to credit card companies.
I shall call only one witness during this trial--
the defendant himself, Frank Hopper,
for he is his own condemnation.
Thank you.
Mr. Hopper, where were you employed
when you signed your application for your first credit card?
I was between projects.
Oh, really?
Mr. Hopper, I have here a record
of your employment for the last ten years,
a list of the jobs you've held during that period.
Can you authenticate it for us, please?
For the record, I showed the defendant a blank sheet of paper.
Your Honor, I'd like to submit this blank piece of paper as Exhibit "A."
Objections?
So ordered.
And is this not a complete list
of your financial holdings, Mr. Hopper?
Naught, aught, goose-egg?
- I was just having a streak of bad luck. - Yes or no.
Yes.
This streak has apparently lasted your whole life.
Exhibit "B," Your Honor.
Mr. Hopper, on these sheets are a list of charges
you've signed for with the credit cards you received.
Would you mind reading the total of these charges on the last page for us?
$329,000.69.
I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you.
Did you say $329,000.69?
Is that correct?
Yes.
Exhibit "C."
A list of Mr. Hopper's charges with signed receipts.
And now, with the court's permission...
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
Do you believe it?
Order!
JESSICA: Your Honor...
Order.
Let's have some order in here.
The assistant district attorney is playing the clown.
This is a mockery!
Are all these your cards, Mr. Hopper?
Well, I'd have to check, Your Honor, but they appear to be.
Tell me, slugger, how many would you say there are?
Quite a few, Your Honor.
I can see that. How many?
I know how many I have.
Three.
I have four!
[SLAMS GAVEL]
Two hundred and eight.
There you have it.
This unemployed ne'er-do-well with no resources, no income,
no inheritance, no assets, and no future,
had 208 credit cards, ladies and gentlemen.
Exhibit "D," Your Honor.
And the state rests.
I told you he would skin you alive,
and I told you not to take the stand.
What do we do now?
- We make a deal. - No deal!
I am not gonna admit I did anything wrong,
I'm not paying 'em back the rest of my life,
and I'm not giving up the league.
And you're not gonna listen to your attorney, either.
Maybe you should just represent yourself.
Maybe I should.
You know, Nicky, I don't want you to think your uncle's a bad guy,
'cause I didn't mean to take anything from anybody.
You mean steal?
Look, Nicky, I would never do anything dishonest.
But Mom says you could go to jail
and end up being somebody's bitch.
Yeah, something like that.
MAN: All rise for the Honorable Rutherford B. Woolsey.
Your Honor, at this time I'd like the court to know
that Mr. Hopper has dismissed me as counsel
and has chosen to represent himself.
Good God, he's fired his lawyer!
There'll be no outbursts in this courtroom.
Is this true, Mr. Hopper? Do you want to represent yourself?
Yes, Your Honor.
Your Honor,
Mr. Hopper practiced law some years ago
and is perfectly competent to proceed.
Well, I have no problem with it,
if opposing counsel doesn't mind.
I most certainly welcome it, Your Honor.
I'll need a few days, Your Honor.
Anything?
Nothing yet.
Don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Just haven't practiced law in a while.
What was your last court case?
A street vendor had his license revoked.
Maybe you should be nervous.
Here it is. Perfect.
Right here in the local paper.
Let me see.
Whoa!
[CLEARS THROAT] Miss Thompson?
Yes?
Audrey Thompson?
Yes!
Miss Thompson, your sister told me I could find you here.
I'm Carl Buckinowski, from the law firm
of Hopper, Frank, Hopper, Hopper, and Buckinowski.
Could I speak with you for a moment?
I guess so.
JUDGE: Mr. Hopper?
Yes, Your Honor.
I'd like to call Carl Buckinowski,
assistant legal counsel, as my first witness.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
I do.
You tell 'em, baby!
Give that bastard hell!
Bailiff, remove that woman from my court.
FRANK: Good afternoon, Mr. Buckinowski.
Could you please tell the court how you know the defendant?
Who?
Me.
Tell them how you know me.
We're business partners,
and as of Tuesday, I became his assistant legal counsel.
What is your experience with the legal system?
- I've been to traffic school eight times. - Very good.
[CROWD LAUGHS]
Now, the district attorney here has established very clearly
that the defendant left a good law firm to embark
on a life in which he's never made a consistent living.
No savings.
No income of any kind.
His parents never left him any money, did they?
Did they?
No.
How does he live?
He's the promoter of a women's hockey league that played one game,
but he basically baby-sits for his nephew
and his sister supplies him with pocket money,
as well as room and board.
Okay, so he's down and out.
So what happened?
He applied for a credit card.
Oh, but he didn't apply, did he?
No.
A girl in a store asked him to write in his name and stuff on a form,
and she would give him a free pen.
- And... - And?
And they sent him the credit card.
And it indicated that he was-- and I quote--
"a person of impeccable credit."
Yes, correct. It said so in the letter that came with the card.
But he was jobless for ten years--
a person of impeccable credit?
Yeah, go figure.
- He bought a gadget for his mom-- - No, no, no.
Let's go on.
So he got the credit card.
A couple of weeks later.
- He used it? - Of course.
And the next credit card?
After he started using the first card,
he started getting more pre-approved applications in the mail.
Exactly. So now he had a bunch of cards.
Yes, and that's when he started the women's hockey league.
- He opened a bank account-- - With?
Money he borrowed on his credit card.
But didn't these cards have limits?
Yes, but he was keeping the cards current
by paying the required minimums with cash advances from other cards.
But what happened once the defendant
had a business address and a bank account?
The defendant got more credit cards,
because now you were in business, and you were flying.
Right! And it would have worked, wouldn't it?
- Yes. - And I would have paid my sister back...
...all the money that I borrowed over the years, wouldn't I?
Wouldn't I?
Yes, yes, yes, of course!
Including the credit card bills?
Especially your credit card bills.
Your Honor, I'm through with this witness.
Ms. Lynch? Hi, I'm Elvis from the law firm
of Hopper, Hipper, Hip-Hop, and Elvis,
and I just wonder if you've got a minute.
Your Honor, I'd like to call Warren Foote to the stand, please.
[CROWD SIGHS]
WOMAN: He's so cute!
Here we go.
WOMAN: Place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Yes.
- Are you comfortable, Warren? - Yep.
How old are you, buddy?
Five and a quarter.
Five and a quarter? You're a big boy.
Do you go to school?
Yep, I go to the Canyon School.
Okay. So what grade are you in?
I'm in kindergarten.
My teacher is named Mrs. Lynch,
and we have two hamsters that are named Cuddles and Lovey.
[CHUCKLES]
I bet your teacher's really cool.
Hey, Warren, let me ask you a question.
Do you go to school every day,
except for Saturday and Sundays?
Yep.
And what do you do after school?
I play!
You play.
You don't have to go to work or have a job, do you?
My God, Your Honor, what is going on here?
This is a travesty.
As I recall, Mr. Brown,
you started this show business approach.
Continue, Mr. Hopper.
Warren, what's this?
My credit card!
[LAUGHTER]
Did Mommy and Daddy give this to you?
No.
Mommy said the people at the credit card company
just sent it to me.
Oh, you're pre-approved?
Now, you've had no job, never made a living,
never really worked at anything at all
and you have no earnings,
no savings, no income of any kind, right?
But Cuddles has a weenie!
[LAUGHTER]
Well, thank you, Warren.
Your Honor, Exhibit "A."
Cross, Mr. Brown.
So, Warren.
It is Warren, isn't it?
[WARREN CRYING]
I have no further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
Your Honor, the defense would like to call Tommy T. Thompson to the stand.
[DOG BARKING]
My God, Your Honor!
He has crossed the line!
If you think I'm gonna stop this now, you're crazy.
Which one is your witness?
The dog.
I was hoping you were gonna say that.
So.
Tommy, is this your credit card?
[WHINES]
Yes. Yes, it is.
It came in the mail from the bank, unsolicited.
I called them up, and I said,
"Do you realize that Tommy T. Thompson is a dog?"
And they hung up on me.
Could you please tell the court,
has Tommy ever held a job,
ever had to make a consistent living, ever really had--?
I most strenuously object, Your Honor!
On what basis?
That the witness is mentally incapable of testifying.
The bank should have thought of that before they issued him a credit card.
Your Honor, Exhibit "B" for the defense.
Your witness, Counselor.
Hello, Mrs. Thompson.
Hello.
He's very cute.
Oh, darling.
I am through with this witness, Your Honor.
Your Honor, my next witness is a--
Your Honor, before Mr. Hopper drags in an elephant
with six Visa cards and an AMEX platinum,
we concede that the credit card companies
do occasionally make mistakes.
Your Honor, these are not mistakes.
They're a clear pattern of greed,
giving cards to people who shouldn't have them.
Save it for your summation, Mr. Hopper.
But, Your Honor, I have a monk sworn to poverty,
a retired embezzler on welfare, a penguin who--
That's enough. That's more than enough for today.
JANITOR: Let me get this straight-- the monk, the donkey,
the friggin' camel, all the animals,
and the aborigine...
They all had credit cards?
Every single one of 'em.
Even the dummy?
Even the dummy.
I just came to tell you you were terrific today.
You were right.
- You were there? - I was hidden.
I told you, Frank, you're a great lawyer.
I was trying to defend you by the book, and...
I almost blew it.
As usual, you used your imagination,
and it came through for you.
Go in there tomorrow and tear 'em up!
NORMAN BROWN: And so in summation, ladies and gentlemen,
you have to decide whether this man,
who by his own admission in this very courtroom
never sought regular employment,
accepted and used these credit cards,
and spent $329,000.
I have explained to you
that buying merchandise
or borrowing cash
or buying services
or using credit cards to finance a women's hockey league
without the intent to pay is a crime.
If that's the case, and it is, this man is guilty!
Thank you for your time.
JUDGE: Proceed, Mr. Hopper.
You have to decide these two questions.
One, did the defendant, Frank Hopper, me...
believe that he could repay his debts?
And two,
was he induced...
literally hypnotized into using these cards,
which, at first, he did not ask for?
My answer to the first question is of course I was gonna pay my bills.
I dreamt of this women's hockey league.
I dreamt it would be hugely successful,
televised across the nation
and covered on every sports page.
And it almost happened.
Now, sure, some of my ideas were lousy.
But as Americans,
we all have the right to a lousy idea now and then, don't we?
I'm not here to condemn the banks
or their policies when it comes to credit cards.
They've done that to themselves.
I'm just trying to explain how people, good people,
can lose themselves...
when somebody says here--here's a genie's lamp.
Rub it...
and all your dreams can come true.
ELVIS: I don't appreciate the rough treatment, man.
I paid $40 for this suit.
This guy says he's part of your legal team.
I got a law degree.
Yeah, Hopper, Hipper, Buckinowski and Elvis.
That's Elvis.
Oh, the jury's back.
Hold on, hold on, the courtroom's full.
I only have room for a couple more.
I'm not going back in there. I'm too nervous.
Well, I'm going.
I don't know what they're doing around here...lawsuit...
What? Oh.
Hey, baby. How's my man?
Your man?
Elvis and I, we've been seeing a lot of each other.
WOMAN: You slut! He's mine!
Not a great time for this.
You too?
Well...okay...
you know what?
[ALL ARGUING]
All three?
You dirty dog.
[ALL SHOUTING]
Hey! Hey!
Girls!
Ladies!
Hey, he's not guilty!
He's not guilty!
Oh, my God!
[ALL CHEERING]
Hey, here's Frank!
We did it!
Who are you?
He's a friend!
Thank you, everybody. Thank you for everything.
You've been like family to me.
But I've got a lot of credit card bills I've gotta pay off, so...
the league's gonna be on hold for awhile.
That's all right.
ELVIS: Not necessarily.
What?
I...I got something for you.
It's a...
Wednesday.
Tuesday's.
The shoe, sometimes.
This check should cover the cards,
and then I can waive the first year's rent on the rink.
Elvis, aren't you, like, a homeless guy or something?
Oh, no, I actually own the rink, and the bank across the street, too,
but I can't sleep at the bank because of the security people.
So, I'd appreciate if you guys would clear out of there by 10:00 every night.
Yeah, great.
That's not a problem.
Elvis, thank you!
Thank you!
- Actually, I-- - Thank you!
I didn't do it for you so much as I did it for the ladies.
WOMAN: Oh, thank you, babe.
He means me.
Oh, yeah, right!
You're just jealous!
Bitch!
The trouble with my friend Frank is...
he ain't got no trouble.
[**]
ALL: Whoo!
MAN: * I just ran away from home *
Got a hair out of place there, Jon.
Oh, good, a little hair.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
Jon Bon Jovi, ladies and gentlemen!
He wanted to be an actor!
[CHEERING]
[**]
MAN: * I just robbed a grocery store *
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Shot my gun into the night *
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Come on
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Hey
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Yeah, yeah
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Ooh
* I'm goin' to Disneyland
* Yeah, yeah, yeah
[**]
WOMAN: * I used to be so shy
* I was so scared of it all *
* Then I took a step with you *
* Oh, don't you know I didn't fall *
* And like the sun in the sky for you and I *
* I'm ready to shine
* I'm feeling fine
* Fine for the first time
* Shine
* This moment's mine
* I am ready to shine
* I can't believe it's true
* And sometimes I still wonder why *
* Why love just comes along to take us for a ride *
* Like a star in the sky that's burning bright *
* I'm ready to shine
* I'm feeling fine
* Fine for the first time
* Shine
* So glad you're mine
* I am ready
* Shine
* I'm feeling fine
* Fine for the first time
* Shine
* So glad you're mine
* I am ready
* Shine
* I'm feeling fine
* I am ready to shine
* This moment's mine
I am ready to shine *
* This moment's mine
* I am ready to shine