♪ Through early morning fog I see ♪
♪ Visions ofthe things to be ♪
♪ The pains that are withheld for me ♪
♪ I realize and I can see ♪
♪ That suicide is painless ♪
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪
♪ The game of life is hard to play ♪
♪ I'm gonna lose it anyway ♪
♪ The losing card I'll someday lay ♪
♪ So this is all I have to say ♪
♪ Suicide is painless ♪ ♪ Suicide ♪
♪ It brings on many changes ♪ ♪ Changes ♪
♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪
♪ The sword oftime will pierce our skin ♪
♪ It doesn't hurt when it begins ♪
♪ But as it works its way on in ♪
♪ The pain grows stronger Watch it grin ♪
♪ Suicide is painless ♪
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪
♪ A brave man once requested me ♪
♪ To answer questions that are key ♪
♪ Is it to be or not to be ♪
♪ And I replied "Oh, why ask me" ♪
♪ Suicide is painless ♪
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
♪ And I can take or leave it if I please ♪
♪ And you can do the same thing ♪
♪ Ifyou please ♪♪
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
Radar! Yes, sir.
Get ahold of Major Burns- Guess I better call Major Burns and tell him to put another...
day shift on the night shift. Hold a couple surgeons over from the day shift onto night shift.
I'll call General Hammond— Get General Hammond down there in Seoul. Tell him we gotta have two—
I hope he sends us those two new surgeons. We're sure gonna need 'em.
What was that, sir? I gave everything to Radar.
What?
What the hell do you think you're doing? Huh? Well, uh—
Just because you're a captain, don't thinkyou run thejoint. Come on, I wasn't—
I run it. Yeah, all right. I'm just supposed to—
I know what you're supposed to do.
Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.
[ Whistles ]
Racist. [ Man On P.A. ] Attention.
The following men report to the departure area:
Carey, Michael S. Phelps, Robert A.
Colbert- [ Indistinct ]
Cleaver, Herschell B.
Roosevelt, Charles B. Bye, ladies. Thankyou.
Ralph, Roosevelt D. Govowska, Theodore G.
Uh, 4077th MASH? This is the jeep, yeah.
All right.
Okay, let's go, boy.
Get my other bag.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch that just stole myjeep!
Hey, watch where the hell you're going, will ya?
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Tire Blows Out ]
[ Arguing, Indistinct ]
[ Chattering ]
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.
Perhaps you would like to take a small repast?
I don't think I could eat after that ride you gave me. You want any ofthis?
No, thank you, sir. But I could do with my lunch.
Well, why don't you come on in with me and get a sandwich?
I'll follow you anywhere, sir.
Oh, how about that piece of scenery, Yankee, huh? Yes, sir.
[ Chattering Continues ]
Who are those men? Friends ofyours, Murrhardt?
No, sir. First time I've ever seen them.
Well, maybe those are the replacements, sir.
Don't be silly. We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.
Well, I guess theyjust got separated from their units and looking for something to eat.
They've got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[ Chattering ]
Can I ask you to move over just a little bit? Thank you. Ooh.
Be careful. Yeah.
But you know she's got to use— I think I'm in love.
that pHisoHex soap on her face. She really has a very bad complexion.
[ Chattering ] Uh— Uh,
well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight.
I just got into town, and, uh, well,
I thought maybe you could show me around.
Captain, I think ifyou'll notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand,
she is definitely married.
Well, I'm the commanding officer, and I'm going to get to the bottom ofthis.
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here... [ Man On P.A. ] Attention.
because they want to. Attention, Captain Murrhardt- [ Continues, Indistinct ]
You men just passing through? I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
Uh, Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army.
And I'm Colonel Blake. Oh, Colonel.
I'm, uh, Duke Forrest, your new cutter. That's my driver.
Captain Hawkeye Pierce. [ Whistles ]
[ Hawkeye ] Are you leaving? [ Woman ] Yes, I am.
Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish. Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye.
Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I had a TWX about you.
It seems that you stole a jeep up at headquarters. No, no, no, sir.
No, I didn't steal a jeep. No, it's right outside. Right there.
Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station,
you go to your commanding officer with a copy ofyour orders?
Uh, Captain, uh, Pierce, is it? Mm-hmm.
Captain Pierce and me have been boozing all day and worked up an appetite—
Good, good. You've been working close to the front.
Now we have our slack periods here, but when the action starts,
you'll get more work in 1 2 hours than a civilian surgeon— How many nurses do we have?
Seventeen. How many nurses will be on my-
Four. I'd like to select this young girl here.
Yes, I think it could be arranged. And the young girl over here. The blonde—
Oh, Father Mulcahy.
I'd like you to meet Captain Pierce, our new surgeon. This is a Catholic chaplain.
And this is Captain Forrest. Dago Red.
Dago Red? Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
Better known as Painless Pole.
This is Captain Black, our anesthesiologist. I'm the dentist here.
John Black. I'll be passing gas for you. Duke? Welcome.
[ All Talking At Once ]
Ifyou boys have any problems, my tent is right—
[ All Talking At Once ]
Radar! Oh, Corporal O'Reilly. Gentlemen, I'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.
You'll be staying in Major Burns's tent. I'll take your things over there now.
Get everything out of the jeep. Don't worry about the jeep. I'll change the numbers.
Oh, and change the numbers on thatjeep.
Corporal O'Reilly? You're not billeting these enlisted men...
in the officers' area now, are you?
[ No Audible Dialogue ] [ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
Excuse me.
I'm working for my blind brother who can't afford the trip to Korea.
Don't you trust that man. He's a mad dog.
Unhand me, sir. Uh, hey, Duke Forrest.
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
[ Whistles ]
Now that one's mine.
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
Hi, fellas. Who? That one?
[ Whistles ] Who told you that?
How do you know that? [ Man ] "Yea, though I walk through the valley...
"of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for 'thoo' are with me."
Thou. Thou art.
Jesus Christ. What's all that about?
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.
New personnel, Major. [ Burns ] Good.
Hi. Hawkeye Pierce.
How do you do? Uh, Duke Forrest.
Frank Burns. How are you?
Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
"My cup runneth over. Surely goodness...
and mercy shall follow"-
Uh, what's this here?
This is Ho-Jon. He's one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
[ Duke ] Oh, is that right? Uh—
Reading the Bible, huh? Now, that's nice.
Listen. I tell you what. I got a book here. It's got a lot of pictures in it,
and I think it's easier to learn how to read when you look at pictures.
- A little adventure— pictures. - May I leave now, Major?
- Sure, Ho-Jon. - You have fun, you hear?
[ Chattering ] Yeah, get some suction.
[ Suction Sound ]
Here it is. Here it is. Suture, Mary.
What kind of sutures are these?
[ Duke ] I can't see what the hell I'm doing. Scorch, I need some more sponge clamps.
[ Scorch ] Just a minute, Les. Okay.
Give me some big hunks of sponge or something, for crying out loud.
Get that thing out ofthere. You'll have to use these for now.
Oh, that's bleeding. That's gotta come out of there.
I can't stop that bleeding down there. Come on.
[ Chuckles ] [ Duke ] What's so funny?
Nothing, sir. Not a thing. [ Duke ] Is that true what I hear about you?
[ Murrhardt ] Duke, back to the kidney. Come on. Oh, yeah.
[ Scorch ] He's cute. Get it out ofthere, man. Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
Here we go. [ Scorch ] Captain Pierce, did you call me?
No, I didn't, and my name's Hawkeye. Give me the saw.
I can't really see. It's like the Mississippi River down there.
Give me another one. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece. I'll tell you that.
I think it's gotta come out of there.
[ Duke ] Give me a knife. And give me some more ofthat gauze. [ Hawkeye ] That thread.
[ Scorch ] Off the stick, or otherwise? [ Indistinct ]
[ Duke ] A big, honey. It's— You know-
Ready? I'm ready.
[ Sawing ] Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
Yes, sir.
[ Sawing Continues ] Scratch my nose. Just on— There.
A little harder, please.
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. All... noncommissioned off-
Attention. Attention. All noncommissioned officers...
will report for short arm inspection at 0400. [ Rattling ]
That is all.
What's that? That's a "martin-eye," Frank.
Finest kind. We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender.
Would you care to imbibe, sir? I don't drink.
Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
[ Duke ] I think we've been had, Hawkeye. I think you're right, babe.
I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not 1 7 years old yet.
You go to sleep now? Yeah.
I go wash clothes. [ Hawkeye ] Okay.
Hey, you make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon.
You keep it up, you hear? [ Chuckles ]
[ Door Closes ]
"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven."
You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
[ Frank Continues Praying ] No. Not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen."
- Amen. - Amen.
And, dear God, protect our young men on the field of battle,
that they may return home to their dear ones.
And, dear God, protect our supreme commander on the field...
and our commander in chief in Washington, D.C.
Frank, were you on this religious kick at home, or did you crack up over here?
Uh, Frank, how long does this show go on?
It gets longer all the time. Now I have your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.
[ Hawkeye ] ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪
♪ Marching as to war ♪
[ Hawkeye And Duke ] ♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪
♪ Going on before ♪
♪ Christ, our royal master ♪
♪ Leads against the foe ♪
♪ Forward into battle ♪
♪ See his banners go ♪
♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪
♪ Marching as to war ♪
♪ With the cross ofJesus ♪♪ [ Airplane Passes Overhead ]
[ Leslie ] Yeah? [ Blake ] What's the lineup?
[ Leslie ] Four waiting for surgery, two waiting for the I.V....
and two waiting for the antibiotics to take over.
Well, we can probably handle that if there's no more choppers. Pickup.
Scissors.
[ Door Opens ]
Hi, Wade. Oh, wait a second. You can't go in the colonel's office.
That's who we're looking for, babe. Henry, you've gotta do something.
We have stuck it out for a whole week now. Pretty girl, eh?
Yeah, she kinda grows on you. Uh, what is it, men?
That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Your tent? Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
She doesn't look like the kind keep you awake all night praying.
I've been in the army a long time. I know what you guys are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Oh, now, Henry. Henry, not for the world would I push you around.
But look. There is one more thing, now that you're talking about it.
We need a chest cutter. Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here quick, Henry,
or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot oftrouble.
[ Henry ] Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon. We're not about to get one.
[ Radar ] Um, excuse me, sir. They're behind in the O.R., and the pre-op ward is all jammed up.
The helicopters and the, uh, ambulances are coming in full.
[ Henry ] You guys are gonna have to go to work early today.
[ Duke ] What, add overtime to a 1 2-hour day? What the hell is that?
The union will raise all kinds of Cain with you.
[ Hawkeye ] Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you sure need your rest.
You can't get 'em with a sky pilotjabbering to heaven—
[ Henry ] Major Burns will be out ofyour tent in 24 hours.
Tell them Captain Pierce and Captain Forrest are on their way.
[ Hawkeye ] Henry, there's just one more thing.
[ Henry ] I told you Major Burns will be out ofyour tent in 24 hours.
[ Hawkeye ] The chest cutter. [ Henry ] No.
I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.
[ Hawkeye Speaking, Indistinct ]
My abdominal operation was doing fine. It's the head wound that did him in.
[ Duke ] Dish, get over here and hold this retractor. Okay.
Now. No- [ Man ] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
[ Giving Last Rites In Latin ] [ Duke ] Uh, go ahead.
[ Speaking Latin ] [ Duke ] Dago.
Pull it back, Duke. Oh, hell. I can't—
Get hold of the other one. Dago.
[ Duke ] Dago, I want you over here to hold this retractor. Now. Wha— Uh—
Please. Come on, now. Yes. I'm sorry, I—
[ Hawkeye ] Hi, Dago. Hey, hold on. Don't wiggle it.
My hands— Just hold on.
[ Hawkeye ] Clamp.
I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive, and that other man is dead, and that's a fact.
[ Duke ] Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell. Where the hell— Do you see it?
[ Car Engine Starts, Departs ]
Sergeant, you know where Hawkeye is? You mean Captain Pierce?
No, I'd have to look at the duty roster. They're in there.
[ Hawkeye ] Oh, baby. [ Dish ] Hawkeye, you've gotta remember. I'm married.
I'm married. I'm happy. I love my wife.
If she was here, I would be with her. I'm very happily married.
There is no question of loving anybody. It is a question only of-
I made a vow to myself that while I was gone, I was gonna be—
I was gonna be faithful to my husband. Sure.
[ Dish Moans ]
[ Hawkeye ] Those are the vows you make when you're with somebody.
Hawkeye?
[ Knocks ]
Ho-Jon? Duke say you better haul ass home quick.
We got new chest cutter in our tent. Okay.
[ Both Chuckle ]
[ Man On P.A. ] This is Radio Tokyo bringing you musical interlude...
for your enjoyment. I'll see you later?
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
♪ Shoeshine boy ♪
♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ]
[ Duke ] That's him. [ Hawkeye ] Hiya.
I'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Yeah. See? That's all I can get out of him is he's from "Bahston,"
and he's been in the army two months.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's all.
[ Glasses Clink ]
[ Duke Clears Throat ]
Well, listen, uh,
where were you when you were drafted?
I was just curious.
[ Clears Throat ]
Back home. I told you before. No. I mean, what were you doing?
Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Mmm.
Where? Hospital.
- Which hospital? - Back home.
Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?
I don't know. I will ask.
Is there some reason my friend should not know the name ofthe hospital?
There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before.
I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar.
Have you always had that mustache?
Are you a beer drinker, sir, or would you like to share a martini with me?
A martini. I— That would be— I'd love a martini.
Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.
I think you will find these accommodating. They're quite dry.
Don't you use olives?
Olives? Where the hell you think you are, man?
We do have to make certain concessions to the war.
We're three miles from the front line, and—
Yes, but a man can't really savor his martini without an olive, you know.
Otherwise, you see, it just...
doesn't quite... make it.
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention.
The Evangelical United Brethren Church has donated 34 "hymals"...
to the 4077th MASH unit.
These "hymals" are located in the "clamp"— in the camp library...
and may be checked out by those with cards.
That is all.
Listen. Am I gonna get paid for giving you guys lessons? [ Hawkeye Chuckles ]
Rib-cutter.
[ Duke ] Small bones, huh?
Deaver retractor also, please. All right. Let's get her, baby.
Okay. Can I tie this for you? Don't hog the whole operation.
Knocko, gauze rolls. You need some suction?
[ Man ] Yeah, that's fine.
Now, pickups to me, please.
How's he doing? [John ] Doing well.
Yeah. Suture. [ Man ] Yeah, looks like that's it. Looks like that's it.
- [ Dish ] What the hell did you do with our thread? It ran out. - Wanna tie that off?
More thread, please, and larger needles. [ Man ] Will you let me?
Let me have another suture.
[ Man ] All you surgeons are all alike. I tell you that.
If this guy knew the clowns who were operating on him, I think he'd faint. [John ] I think he has.
Come on, Nurse. I need a suture, please. Coming.
[ Man ] Keep ahead of him, babe, will you? We need a couple more stitches in there.
That's fine. Yeah. Thank you. [ Dish ] Just turn it around.
It's a good thing you have a nice body, Nurse, otherwise we'd get rid ofyou quick.
- [ Man ] Don't stick me. - [ Duke ] Keep it clean.
[ All Laugh ] [ Man ] Here, I can tie that for you.
Okay. Let's have the big stitches for closing up the chest. Fine.
[ Dish ] Larger needles, Knocko.
Now the sutures.
Start down here? Looks like it needs another one, huh?
[John ] Does anybody know if this is an officer or an enlisted man?
[ Hawkeye ] He's an enlisted man. [John ] Make the stitches big.
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Captain Bandi— Captain Bandini—
[ Clears Throat ] Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop—
[ Stammers ]
A femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L...
artery explor-
exploration and possible graft. [ Clears Throat ]
[ Blowing Into Microphone ] The following memo has just come through:
Please remove all pictures, postcards, nude calendars, et cetera,
from the walls, so that our rooms may look clean and orderly.
That is all. Big "U"!
Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard,
6-nothing, 'cause I intercepted a pass? Yeah, you told me.
They had this great passer, see? And we held them nothing-nothing...
till the last 20 seconds, and then, snow and all, he let one go.
Yeah, you told me. And it went sailing— Boom!
Lucky your mouth wasn't open. It would have got stuck in your throat. Oh, baby!
Oh, it is TrapperJohn McIntyre! I thought you'd never remember.
Man! Man! It's TrapperJohn.
John McIntyre. TrapperJohn. Only man ever found fulfillment in a Boston-Maine railway.
In the— In the ladies' can. Conductor opened the door, the girl looked out and yelled,
"Oh, you caught me! Oh, my God! He trapped me!" Is that right?
Honest to God. How are you? I'm great. Wh-What's going on over there?
[ Duke ] Oh, well, well, well. It must be Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.
[ Hawkeye ] Yes, sir. [ Trapper ] Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
[ Hawkeye ] Walt Waldowski, the dentist. You know—
What, are those guys waiting to scrub his back, or something?
No, he's what you might call the best-equipped dentist in the army.
You might call it that. Yeah.
Oh. [ Both ] Oh.
I saw- Once in med school— in premed— I did an autopsy on a guy.
He had been drowned and all swollen up— Are you an authority?
I heard that one too. You told that one. The most extraordinary thing. And a friend of mine—
Boy, man, I'd surely love to see that angry.
[ Helicopter Whirring ]
[ Chattering ]
Nurse!
Boone, get me a c.c. of adrenaline and a cardiac needle.
I'm sorry- [ Stammers ] Just get it!
- [ Man ] Pinch a bit. - [ Man #2 ] Looks like the lip looks pretty good.
[ Man #1 ] That's it. Good.
[ Man #3 ] And you can cut me about a four-inch piece ofwire...
and about an inch and a half oftape.
[ Chattering ]
Hi, soldier. Who is it?
Oh, it's Trapper. Trapper. Don't worry. Let's get some ofthis stuff off.
You idiot. I said a cardiac needle.
- You want me to get a nurse? - It's too late, Boone. You killed him.
[ Sobbing ]
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan, our new chief nurse.
This is where we do the dirty work.
Uh, Captain Murrhardt. [ Man ] Sponge.
[ Murrhardt ] Hi. Hello. Hi, Captain.
Dennis. Don't you remember? I, uh, helped carry your luggage from the airfield.
Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis. Yeah. Hi.
This is Captain Black. Hello, Captain Black.
Hi, I'm UglyJohn, your gas passer. Oh. [ Chuckles ] UglyJohn.
Oh, it's only you, Judson. Uh, Captain Sacks. Hello, Captain Sacks.
How's the operation going? Are you kidding?
[ Chattering ] Scissor.
Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy. Hello, Major.
Hello, Captain. Right.
[ Henry ] Now I'll show you the rest of the operation, ifyou'll excuse the pun.
This is the, uh, pre-op ward. Oh, I'll take these things.
This is the post-op ward. Uh, ifyou don't mind.
Oh. Vollmer, take care ofthese, will you, please?
Finished work for the day? Yes, why?
Good. Good. I just, uh, wanted to make sure you had time to sleep this off.
Son of a bitch!
Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell? That's a captain?
What's going on? Who started this?
I hit him. I hit him. He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead.
He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.
Let us settle this, Colonel, between ourselves. Alone.
What do you think I'm running, an English boarding school?
McIntyre, you're under arrest. Confine yourself to quarters, pending an investigation.
Oh, Henry, are you kidding?
I deeply regret this unfortunate incident.
We try to remember we're a military organization.
I should certainly hope so.
Vollmer, that man is under arrest. Confine him to his quarters.
Captain McIntyre, you are officially—
Oh, come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.
[ Man ] Attention camp compound. Urine specimens...
will be required from all pers-
Uh— [ Stammers ] Uh, disregard last transmission.
I'm sorry, Colonel. Hi, Henry.
What the hell's the matter with you?
Henry, you want some coffee? Yes, please.
Ho-Jon, get him some coffee. What's wrong with you?
I don't know. I must have lost my punch. I never expected the son of a bitch to get up.
That's no kind of an answer. Come on, Henry. You know why he hit him.
I can't have myjunior officers striking each other. Thank you.
[ Duke ] Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace!
Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
Yeah, and this time he blamed it on some kid who was stupid enough to believe him.
[ Duke ] Hell with that. [ Henry ] I'm tired ofyou guys trying to run this outfit.
This time there's going to be disciplinary action.
What are you going to do, Henry?
[ Muttering ] Well, I had planned to name Trapper chief surgeon...
to consult on your shift and Frank's.
- That's damn good thinking. - Yeah, but now I can't do it for at least a week.
If I announced it now after what our new chief nurse saw this afternoon,
you'd hear her yelling from Washington to Seoul.
Don't you have any sugar in this place?
[ Man Imitating Japanese Accent ] Good morning. Today's musical selections...
will be rendered by Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats!
Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not answer the phone, sir.
They said he was at a football game.
Those generals have all the fun.
Yes, sir.
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
♪♪ [ Stops ] [ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. May I have the camp's attention?
This week's movie will be When Willie Comes Marching Home.
Uh, the biggest parade of laughs ofWorld War II.
All the loves, laughs and escapades of the Willies who came marching home.
This film stars Dan Dailey, Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.
Captain Pierce, may I join you?
[ Chuckles ] You've alreadyjoined me, gorgeous. You're a sight for sore eyes.
[ Chuckles ] Where do you come from?
Well, I like to think ofthe army as my home.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Ho-Jon, you bring me some ketchup, will ya?
Captain, I've been observing the nurses on your shift. Yeah, I know. I saw you.
[ Houlihan ] Naturally, your own opinion is more informed than mine.
[ Hawkeye ] And you would like to know what I think ofthe nurses on my team.
Well, I'll tell you. I think they're fine. I think they're just great.
[ Hawkeye ] I'm totally satisfied with them. [ Man ] Keep the blood—
Oh, no, no. That's the second time this week.
Of course. What'd you expect? [ All Chattering ]
[ Woman ] Here come the girls.
[ Hawkeye ] Welcome, gentlemen.
[ All ] ♪ When the lights go on again ♪
♪ All over the world ♪
[ Man ] Got enough room? [ Chattering ]
[ Trapper ] Sponge stick. Get rid ofthe line for me.
♪ All over the world ♪♪
[ Dago Red ] Is he all right, Hawkeye? [ Hawkeye ] Is he all right, Dago?
[ Hawkeye ] Yes, you mean is he gonna live? He'll live.
Let me have another sponge stick. [ Hawkeye ] Is somebody going to be around tomorrow morning...
when he wakes up, to tell him that he hasn't got anything between his legs anymore?
[ Trapper ] Let me have the long fingers.
Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.
Well, Major Burns is far from satisfied. That doesn't surprise me.
Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater.
He does not know his way around a body. And ifyou will have observed anything,
you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot.
He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Oh, on the contrary, I have observed that Major Burns...
is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon.
Finished?
I've also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye."
Yeah, because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Well, that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency...
in a military organization. Oh, come off it, Major.
You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that?
I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm gonna put away the best part of a bottle of scotch,
and under normal circumstances—
you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman—
I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me,
and you might possibly have come.
But you really put me off.
I mean, you're what we call a regular army clown.
I wonder how a degenerated person like that could have reached...
a position of responsibility in the Army Medical Corps.
He was drafted.
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
Radar! Your briefcase, sir.
Oh, I'm going to spend the day with General Hammond— Good luck with General Hammond.
[ Continues, Indistinct ] You'll be back tomorrow morning, and Major Burns will be in full charge.
Major Burns will be in charge. Good luck.
See you in the morning.
Sir, are there any last-minute instructions you want to give to the men?
Uh, Radar has all the necessary information. Yeah, but...
who's gonna be on C.Q. tonight?
W-Wait a minute. What about the, uh—
Oh, Captain. Yes, sir?
I left some shirts on my bunk. The buttons are missing.
Will you ask Satsumi to sew them up, please?
I'd be glad to do them for you. You don't have to.
It's nothing. Really. Greatjacket. Is it new?
Oh, yeah. My— Uh, it was sent to me.
You don't have to do that. Take care.
♪ Hail to the chief♪
♪ He's the best of all the surgeons ♪
♪ He needs a queen to satisfy his urges ♪
♪ Hail to the chief He's the best of all the trappers ♪
♪ He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers ♪
♪ Hail to the chief He's the best of all the cutters ♪
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Blake has gone out of his mind. Is that gonna go on all night?
♪ He took his orders and shoved them up his rectum ♪♪
No, no. No food. No food. Sex. I want sex.
[ Trapper ] Bring me some sex. [ Duke ] Scorch, come forth.
No, no. That one. Bring me that one there.
[ Hawkeye ] He's chosen you. Congratulations.
That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off.
[ Indistinct ] I want that one, yes.
[ Trapper ] Yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.
[ Loud Clatter ] [ Chattering ]
Doctor! Doctor! You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
[ All ] Ew!
[ Typewriter Clacking ]
This... letter...
has... been... written...
in the interest... [ Bell Dings ]
of- Army morale.
Good. Army... morale.
[ Chattering ]
[ Trapper ] You wanna sing one? Wait a second. Wait a second. Radar's gonna sing us a verse.
"This letter has been written in the interest of army morale.
"As officers, we feel it is our duty to bring this unwholesome situation to your attention.
"We are writing this letter jointly to assure you that no one's personal feeling...
"has any way influenced this report.
Respectfully, MargaretJ. Houlihan"— That's perfect.
"Major Burns." That's perfect.
I think it's a marvelous letter. We make a good team, don't we?
We think the same way. Of course we do.
It's almost suppertime. You're not hungry, are you?
Ravenous. How about you?
For you, Margaret.
[ Breathing Heavily ] Now, the sooner this reaches him,
the sooner we can turn this into a tight military outfit.
[ Blowing Into Microphone On P.A. ]
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention, camp compound.
Corporal Judson has informed the colonel's office...
that three cases of amphetamine sulfate are unaccounted for again.
This is the third occurrence of this type in the last month.
It must stop by order of Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit.
I only wish I could deliver that letter personally.
Good night, Frank. Good night, Margaret.
I'll stop by later on to see ifyou're all right.
Why, that won't be necessary. Oh, I don't mind.
I'll leave the door unlocked.
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Captain McIntyre will give a lecture on...
blood and fluid replacement in the mess hall at 0800.
Uh, uh, correction.
At 02 1 — At 9:00 this evening.
- [ Trapper ] Radar? - [ Chattering ]
Take your hat off, Radar. You're before the king.
Uh, queen—
[ Trapper ] Don't get nervous, Radar. "Long, long, long"—
♪ Long live the chief♪
♪ The colonel ♪ [ Giggles ]
♪ The colonel Long live the chief♪
♪ The colonel did elect him ♪ [ Chattering ]
♪ But he took all his orders and shoved it up his nose ♪♪ [ Laughing, Chattering ]
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
You all right?
Fine.
Godless buffoons, all of them.
It's the disrespect for you, Frank. That—
That's what I can't forgive.
I'm used to it.
- Licorice? - Oh, no. Thank you.
What makes me sore is how they behave towards you.
They oughta be grateful to have you.
I certainly am.
I'm grateful to have you, Frank.
We've grown very close in a short time.
It isn't just chance.
I'm sure ofthat.
God meant us to find each other.
His will be done. [ Moans ]
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
[ Houlihan ] Let me get it.
I'll help you. Oh, yes. Yes.
[ Frank ] Get it. Wait. Get my robe.
Oh. [ Frank ] Get my zipper. My zipper.
[ Houlihan ] All right. Oh, God.
[ Frank ] Oh. Careful.
[ Both Grunting ]
Oh, Frank. Oh.
[ All ] Shh! [ Trapper ] Get the searchlight on.
Look.
[ Knocks ]
[ Duke ] Hey. Put the light out.
[ Dago Red ] Hi. What's going on?
May I join you? [ Duke ] Uh, a little radio show.
[ Houlihan Moaning ] Oh, Frank! Oh, yes!
My zipper. Wait. Oh, Frank!
Careful. Careful. [ Houlihan Moaning ] Oh, Frank!
Is this the Bickersons? I love them. Who?
[ Moaning Continues ] The battling Bickersons. I love-
[ Houlihan ] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
Oh, Frank! Oh! Yeah.
[ Bed Creaking ]
Hard! Ooh. [ Mouthing Words ]
Harder. Ow. Oh, Frank. [ Frank ] There it goes.
[ Houlihan ] Oh, yeah.
Oh! No, I, uh— I forgot— I—
No. [ Moaning Continues ]
You're shining that thing in my eyes. Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Moaning Continues ]
Oh, he is such a sweet man. [ Laughs ]
Oh, Frank. Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.
Oh! Kiss my hot lips!
[ Frank ] Oh, yes, they are hot.
Lips. Hot- Hot lips?
We have got to share this with the rest ofthe camp.
[ All Laugh ]
Switch it over. Okay.
Oh, Frank, yes! [ Frank ] Darling!
Clamp. [ Houlihan ] Oh.
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank! Strangle me.
Hard! Frank! Oh!
What the hell is that?
[ Houlihan ] Oh, yes. Oh!
Looks like Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit of dilatation and curettage.
[ Whispering ] Th-That's, uh— That's, uh—
Well, it sounds like the, uh, major- the new major is having a dream. She's plugged in.
Oh, Major! [ Feedback ]
Frank! [ Voice Echoes On P.A. ] Frank!
Frank! Wait a second! [ Echoing ] What is it?
Turn the light off! [ Clicks ]
No, that's on! Turn it off! [ Echoing On P.A. ]
Get your clothes on. Get your pants on. [ Echoing Continues ]
Don't shout at me! Don't shove!
Frank, wait.
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing In Japanese ]
♪ My ♪
♪ Blue heaven ♪♪
[ Painless ] Uh, it's too bad Henry wasn't here.
He would have thought it was a real radio program. Mmm.
I thought it was a radio program.
I think we should send a letter of commendation to the Armed Forces Radio Network.
Ah, wonderful. Yes.
It was the most uplifting program I have ever heard.
[ Painless ] It was climactic. [ Chuckles ]
Morning, ladies.
Well, hi, "Hot Lips."
Oh, my goodness! Over my— I'm so sorry to touch you, but I—
[ Whistles ]
[ Clicks Tongue ] Well, what's the matter with her today?
I don't know. I think it's one ofthose ladies' things.
[ Trapper ] It's not like her to act like this. No, she usually doesn't.
She's a bitch. Look at my new flannel—
I think she's gonna have a nervous breakdown. She can't even get out the door.
[ Laughing ]
[ Chattering ]
Morning, Frank.
Heard from your wife? [ Whistles ]
Morning, Colonel. You forgot your briefcase. Uh, yes, I left it in the jeep.
You left it there. Oh, I forgot it. Morning, Captain.
Morning, sir. I hope you didn't have to— Here, take care of this.
I hope you didn't have to bother with those shirts. It wasn't necessary.
Too late, sir. It's a done thing. Oh, well, thank you very much.
Morning, Padre. [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Uh, Colonel, sir? How was your visit, sir?
Oh, great. The general wasn't there.
Oh.
Listen. About last night, sir. There was, uh— There was just- There was nothing I could do about it.
Sir. Nothing?
Nothing.
Well, it couldn't have been helped.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce. Very encouraging.
A bunch ofthe boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank,
what Hot Lips was like in the sack.
You know, was she— Mind your own business.
No, Frank. You know, is she better than self-abuse? That was really the sort of basic—
What's that all about? He gonna get some pointers or something?
No. Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make a personal appearance tour...
in all the camps in Korea. Oh, is that a fact?
Wonder what they're saying. Can you make it out?
Does that, uh— Does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
What would you say about that?
Um, Hawkeye's questioning the major on a point of anatomy.
Very professional, exchanging ideas.
Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank?
[ Hawkeye Growls ]
What is Burns saying? Uh, Major Burns isn't saying much of anything, sir.
I think he's formulating the answer.
Seriously, Frank. I mean, does she go, "Ooooh,"
or does she just sort of lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself. - Or does she go, "Uh-uh-uh"?
Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
[ Chattering ]
I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake.
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac.
I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Gonna kill him.
- [ Man ] Frank, we love ya. - Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
[ All Grunting ]
[ Gong ]
♪ The time has come for us to say sayonara ♪
♪ My heart will always be yours for eternity ♪
♪ I knew sometime we'd have to say sayonara ♪
♪ We promised that we- ♪
Uh, Colonel, fair is fair. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?
♪ I'll remember our romance ♪
♪ Until the day that I die ♪
♪ I see your face in the moon and stars in the sky ♪♪
[ Scorch ] Hawkeye! Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
Hawkeye! Oh, shit.
Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman, get another guy.
We gotta take this into the O.R. just on the stretcher.
Hold on. You're gonna be just fine, fella.
Okay, I can't move my hand. Now come on. [ Soldier Crying ]
Have you got the cut-downs?
You're gonna go to sleep, baby. You're gonna be just fine.
[ UglyJohn ] Hot Lips, let me have one ofyour sterile knives.
I'm gonna need two vascular clamps and an arterial suture.
As soon as you give me the clamps, I want you to be ready to gown and glove me.
All right? You ready? [ Leslie ] Yeah.
Okay. Here we go. It's going to spurt a bit. Okay.
Got it? Ay ay baby.
Clamp? Yeah.
[ Hawkeye ] Okay, gown.
- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready? - Yeah.
Okay. Ugly, move out of the way, 'cause I'm working around over there.
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching like you never saw before. [ Leslie Chuckles ]
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention. Got it?
Okay. Here she goes. A message from Colonel Blake's office.
We're off and running. The American Medical Association has just declared marijuana...
a dangerous drug.
Despite earlier claims by some physicians that it is no more harmful...
than alcohol, this is not found to be the case.
That is all. Oh, really?
As a matter of fact— When did you get them? Let me try it on you.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, Dago Redo! Hi. Just in time for cocktails. Come on in.
Uh, no, no. Thank you. I can't, really. Hawkeye?
Haw-Hawkeye? Hawkeye, could I speak to you? Yeah, go ahead.
No, uh, out- outside. Outside. What?
I have to talk to you outside.
[ Dog Barks ]
All right. Hiya, pup-pup.
Uh, sorry to drag you away from the gang in there, but— What?
This- This'll only take a moment. Um,
there's a problem with Walt Waldowski. Painless?
Painless. You got a toothache? He's a good dentist.
No, no, no. It's not my problem. It's his problem. Um—
What do you mean? What is it? Well, what is it? That's, um—
It's difficult to talk about, you see, because, um,
I learned about his problem in confession.
Oh, and you can't— I can't divulge.
Can you give me a hint? [ Chuckles ]
Just an idea. No. Um—
But I can— I can tell you how, uh— how serious it is.
Um, he and the boys were playing poker, and one of the boys turned to him...
and asked him for a ruling on one of the hands.
And Walt said, uh— He said, "What does it matter?
It's only a game."
Painless said, "What does it matter? It's only a game"? "Only a game."
Poker only a game? Yeah.
[ Whistles ] Mm-hmm. Yeah. That's what I thought.
I guess I better go see a man about a tooth.
Thank you. [ Helicopter Whirring ]
I didn't know what to... do.
Pup-pup. You see, there are some—
[ Hawkeye Whistles ] Uh, there are some things that absolution just, uh—
Well—
[ Chattering ]
[ UglyJohn ] Hey, Hawkeye, there's an empty chair here looking for a player.
Oh, baby, I've got a toothache like you can't believe.
[ Murrhardt ] Why do you bring that dog in here? Last time you did, I lost $30.
Listen, why do you have to sit right behind me? It makes me very nervous.
It brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.
[ Man ] Come on. Let's play, man. Deuce. Ace.
Can I take some ofyour scotch? Sure.
You want some? No.
How you feeling? No, no. Don't touch me.
Look. If, uh—
if a man isn't a man anymore,
what's he got left that, uh— that he should be living for?
Okay. Tell me about it. What's the story?
Well, you know that, uh, little nurse that was through here last night with the 325th?
The little one with the big... boobs. Yeah, the— Yeah, I know. Yeah.
Well, anyway, I, uh—
I wasn't gonna fool around out here...
because, you know, I got these, uh—
I've got these three girls that I'm engaged to back home.
And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home-
Anyway, I took her out last night, and I—
I failed. You mean she wouldn't put out? But you—
No, she wanted to in the worst way, but it was me. I just couldn't. Uh—
Oh, you couldn't— It wouldn't get— Yeah, nothing happened.
Not at all. No. [ Chuckles ] Baby, that happens to everybody.
It's happened to me maybe four or five times-
Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before.
Come on. You're the best-equipped dentist in the army.
You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
That's just a cover-up.
What's a cover-up? Don Juanism. I've been reading about it all day.
It's a cover-up. It's a cover-up for what?
Well,
I'm a fairy.
A victim of latent homosexuality.
I've turned into a fairy.
Uh— [ Stammers ]
Have you— Have you done anything? You know.
No, but it's only a matter oftime. Yeah.
Boy, I just can't face it.
Look, Hawkeye. Suppose that, uh, you found out that you were one, huh?
One— Yeah. Well, you wouldn't like breaking the news to your wife.
No, I can see that that would be a problem.
Yeah, well, I got the same problem, only multiplied.
[ Trapper ] Well, you know, Man o' War,
after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to, uh— to stud.
And, uh, he had an average...
of about 1 20, 1 30...
foals every year.
And he lived to be 36.
And then when he died, they did an autopsy,
and they found out that he was a raving queen.
[ Man Laughing ]
No. That's- That's a little-known fact, but it's the truth.
Then Painless has got a couple of good years left in him, doesn't he?
Maybe more. He hasn't even started raving yet.
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.
His problem is that he believes it. I mean, he really is convinced.
This- This— It's an obsession and is a viable force.
Here he comes, the jawbreaker. Oh.
[ Trapper ] Don't worry. He's not gonna break anything ofyours.
[ Duke ] Just act, uh, natural.
[ Snickers ]
[ Man Chuckles ]
Hi, Painless. Hi.
How's she going?
Something in a marshmallow?
[ Painless ] No, it's- it's okay, fellas. I know you've been talking about me, and—
Well, I came over to tell you that I've decided that I'm...
going to commit suicide. [ Snickers ]
Oh.
Well, ifyou're really gonna go ahead and do it,
uh, you think you could— you could leave me your record player?
Oh, sure. Thank you.
Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you plan to do it? Uh, .45 between the eyes?
Oh, that's awful sloppy. [ Murrhardt ] It's reliable though.
Well, the— That's another thing I wanted to ask you.
I'm, uh, sort of new at this game and, uh—
Do you have any particular method that you'd recommend?
I don't know. I think my colleagues and I could come up with something,
uh, to relinquish the vital forces oftheir-
Black capsule. Black capsule.
- Oh, but of course. - [ Murrhardt ] Yeah, that's neat.
What's a black capsule? Do you have any ofthem? Does it work?
It worked for Hitler and Eva Braun. It's simple, and it's effective.
Uh, Hawkeye, I really must—
I should, uh, check with the military vicar's office.
You see, I cannot give absolution to a man who is about to commit suicide.
It's a mortal sin. Look, Dago, he is not committing suicide.
He is only intending to commit suicide, so you're not dealing with an act.
You're dealing with an intention.
And if it works- Ifwhat we're doing works, then he will not commit suicide.
So, therefore, you are preventing a mortal sin, okay?
[ Men Chattering ] Well, I, uh— I should check.
Well, you check on it. Well, there's—
[ Chattering ] ♪♪ [ Violin Playing "Taps" ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Tapping Glass ] [ Duke ] All right, where you at?
Here you go.
Now then, y'all come here...
to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
[ Trapper ] Farewell, Walt. Dear ol' Walt.
You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all.
I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown—
Say it again. to do a little recon work for us all, huh?
I just— I just wanna say one thing.
Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission.
He volunteered for certain death.
That's true. That's what we award our highest medals for.
That's beautiful. That's what being a soldier is all about.
[ Trapper ] Oh, yeah. Hear, hear!
Gentlemen, I think there's only one person...
who has anything to add to that, and that's Dago Red.
Padre. Let's hear it for the padre.
[ Clears Throat ]
Walt, here's- here's your black capsule.
Oh.
Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it?
I think I better go lie down over there.
Uh, Walt, that'll help you. ♪♪ [ Guitar ]
Mmm. Thanks.
♪ Through early morning fog I see ♪
♪ Visions ofthe things to be ♪
♪ The pains that are withheld for me ♪
♪ I realize ♪
♪ And I can see ♪
♪ That suicide is painless ♪
♪ It brings on many changes ♪
♪ And I can take or leave it ♪
♪ If I please ♪
♪ The game of life is hard to play ♪
♪ I'm going to lose it anyway ♪
♪ The losing card I'll someday lay ♪
♪ So this is all I have to say ♪
♪ That suicide is painless ♪ Wherever you're going, Painless, good luck.
♪ It brings on ♪ [ Indistinct ]
♪ Many changes ♪
♪ And I can take ♪
♪ Or leave it if I ♪ I'll always remember you just like this.
♪ Please ♪
♪ The only way to win is cheat ♪
♪ And lay it down before I'm beat ♪
Mm-hmm. ♪ And to another ♪
♪ Give my seat ♪
[ Whistles, Clicks Tongue ] ♪ For that's the only ♪
♪ Painless feat ♪ Painless.
♪ And suicide is painless ♪
♪ It brings on many ♪ It was a really nice evening. Thanks for asking me.
♪ Changes ♪
♪ And I can take ♪
♪ Or leave it if I please ♪ The thing is—
throwing your whole education away.
♪ And you ♪ Good-bye, Jawbreaker.
♪ Can do ♪
♪ The same thing ♪
♪ Ifyou ♪
♪ Please ♪♪
Hi, baby.
Hi. I'm glad you could come.
Sorry it was so late. That's okay.
I really couldn't sleep anyway. I was so nervous.
You leaving tomorrow?
[ Sighs ] Mmm, yeah, I'll be on my way in less than 1 2 hours.
I suppose who it's going to be really roughest on, though, is your husband.
Why are you all of a sudden so concerned with him?
I mean, a man would be more considerate to his wife.
He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.
You're just gonna have to stop using logic.
It could be a purely impersonal thing. You're just proving...
why I shouldn't go to bed with you.
I didn't mean me.
[ Hawkeye ] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions...
to chief executives of states or nations.
You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life...
by a tender act of mercy.
What is this?
Hawkeye, is he dead?
No, no, he's not dead. Not yet.
Painless has a grave psychological problem,
and you are the only person who can help him.
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.
[ Hawkeye ] No, Maria, no. You've gotta look on this as a nurse.
Painless needs it for therapeutic value.
It will help him, and it certainly wouldn't do you any harm either...
to think about it for a bit.
Ifyou think that your virtue is more important than Painless's life, that's fine.
That's entirely up to you. I just want you to stay here...
and be with him for a minute.
Just look at him. Just... stay close to the—
Oh, Hawkeye. the whole man...
and look at him.
[ Curtains Rustle ] Hawkeye.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
♪♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Swells ]
You forgot your hat.
You wouldn't want to leave without a souvenir.
Have a good trip.
Lieutenant Schneider, you forgot to pick up your traveling orders.
Wait a second. You're supposed to pick- These are your traveling orders.
Morning, Painless. Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
How's she going?
Slept like a doll last night.
Mm-hmm. Well, can't waste time. Big day.
Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman.
Have a good day.
[ Whistles ]
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention.
Religious services for Yom Kippur will be held this-
- will not- will not be held this Friday, due to mitigating circumstances. - ♪♪ [ Hawkeye Whistles ]
For those who wish to observe said holiday, Sunday has been reserved.
That is all.
[ Hawkeye ] Trapper, this one's for you, babe. [ Trapper ] Knife.
[ Man ] Okay.
[ Houlihan ] That man is a prisoner ofwar, Doctor. So are you, sweetheart,
but you don't know it.
[ Hawkeye ] It's in pretty deep. [ Duke ] Uh, I think that was my finger.
Yeah, I'm gonna need your help, Hawkeye. It's hit more than a lung.
What do you think? I don't know.
Hey, Radar? Yes, sir.
Radar, has that A-negative come in from Seoul yet? I need some right away.
We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly? Good.
He's ready. [ Man ] Let's have some irrigation, please.
That's pretty good. Yeah.
[ Duke ] All right, give me some gel foam.
Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.
[ Trapper ] Scissors.
[ Hawkeye ] Sponge. [ Houlihan ] More sponges.
[ Man ] Let's have the suction up here, please. Thank you.
Rib spreader.
Clamp.
Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
[ UglyJohn ] There's a lot of blood. Sponge.
[ Duke ] Go ahead. Scissors. Watch it.
[ Duke ] Give me something to stuff it in with. Clamp.
[ Man ] Pickups for me. How's he tolerating this, UglyJohn?
Good. He's young. Things get slippery in there, man.
Ouch! You're a backhanded guy.
Let me have the forceps and a sponge stick.
Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass, but you're a damn good nurse.
Thanks, Trapper.
Put enough blood in him, will you, John?
There's a clot in the cava above the atrium. That must be the point of entry.
Clamp.
I— I feel a fragment right underneath the clot. You control the cava.
[ Murrhardt ] We gotta stop that spurting. Clamp.
[ Duke ] Do what? [ Murrhardt ] Stop the spurting.
[ Duke ] That's a very good technical term, Doctor. This is yours.
Oh, Christ, it's not in the cava. It's in the pulmonary artery on the left side.
Then we close him up and sit on him for a couple days until we get the blood.
We can't sit on him. What ifwe getjammed? We don't have the blood.
[ Both Talking At Once ] Ifyou cut again, you'll lose him.
Look, Hawkeye, the artery can erode.
Now's the time to take our shot. We gotta shoot crap.
A-negative. It's been cross-matched.
You said you didn't have any blood. I found a donor.
[ UglyJohn ] You know, up close, all crumpled up like that,
they don't look like much, you know.
[ Bandini ] Hey, was he loaded or empty when he crashed?
[ Murrhardt ] No, he was loaded. But it didn't matter much.
See, the, uh— the two guys he was carrying were dead already.
What about the pilot? What happened to him?
The pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap.
He lost function in his right hand, but he's great.
I— I didn't hear. What color was her hair?
Black, shiny. Shiny black hair. [ Barking ]
Black. You like black.
I-I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
I knew it. I knew you had a— had an attraction...
for Hot Lips Houlihan. Hear, hear!
Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her.
Besides, she's- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
How dare you say that about an officer ofthe United States Army, sir!
I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?
You have yourself a bet, sir. You're my witness.
I'll be a witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Well, uh, I-I could, if no one else want— I—
No, no, we—
We gotta all see it together somehow.
[ Ice Rattling ]
♪♪ [ Humming ]
You know, it's five minutes after the time the nurses usually take their shower.
Where are they? They will be here.
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.
What's happening? Radar.
Did you bring us the papers? What?
You don't know about the papers? What papers?
The colonel left some papers. They're very important. Why didn't you tell me?
I tried to tell you.
Uh, uh, here you go. Here you go. They're coming.
[ Chattering ]
Evelyn, could you give me a hand? Sure.
Hey, uh, Frankie, could you take a look at my corns, please?
[ Hawkeye ] Knocko, the pictures of my kids have come.
Pictures of my kids have come. Hot Lips, would you like to see the pictures of my kids?
I'm not the slightest bit interested. Hey, Scorch?
All right.
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Water Running ]
♪♪ [ Houlihan Singing, Indistinct ]
Oh! ♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]
Fight! Fight! Fight! ♪♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]
[ Houlihan Laughing ]
♪♪ [ Guitar ] ♪♪ [ Drumroll On Barrel ]
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Screaming ]
Bravo! [ All Hollering, Whistling ]
You finks! You finks!
Bravo! Bravo!
What a performance! Bravo! Author! [ Indistinct Yelling ]
Bravo! What a performance!
Bravo! Author! Author!
Twenty bucks, huh? You win the bet.
You bastards!
Keep my stuff!
[ Breathing Heavily ]
Major, what went on over there? Where's Colonel Blake?
Wait a second. You can't go and see Colonel Blake.
You shut up, you twerp!
[ Grunts ]
This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum!
And it's your fault because you don't do anything to discourage them!
What do you want me to do? Put them under arrest.
See what a court-martial thinks oftheir drunken hooliganism!
First they called me Hot Lips, and you let them get away with it!
And then you let them get away with everything!
If-Ifyou don't...
turn them over to the M.P.'s this minute,
I-I'm going to resign my commission!
Goddamn it, Hot Lips, resign your goddamn commission.
[ Whimpering ]
My commission!
Little more wine, my dear?
Yes, please.
[ Speaking Korean ] Is that right? Sure?
[ Speaking Korean ] [ Chattering ]
[ Scorch ] You have to get your mother her present first.
You know what I wanna get her? They have these— [ Speaking Korean ]
[ Boone Continues, Indistinct ]
Come on. You all right?
Let him get what he wants. We'll go to the movie. Keep it straight, eh?
[ Scorch ] First of all, the present. Then dinner, then the movie.
You mean all three of us? Who is this?
Where I go, Warren goes. You don't want me to go with you?
Boone.
[ Murrhardt ] It's not that. I— [ Whispering ]
[ Scorch ] Oh, yes, I do!
He's Syngman Rhee's son, and he goes right in.
[ Chattering In Korean ] [ Scorch ] Come on, Bandini!
[ Bandini ] Wilma— [ Arguing Continues ]
[ Hawkeye Whistling, Shouting In Korean ]
[ Continues In Korean ]
[ Woman ] Hey, soldier!
Me? Yeah, you.
Where you from? A MASH outfit on the front line.
- No, I mean your hometown. - Uh, on the East Coast.
Have you been wounded yet?
Uh, yeah, a little. A slight, uh—
Would you like to say hello to your mother?
Uh, my mother's dead, actually. She's deceased.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'd like to say hello to my father if I could.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, fine.
Hi, Dad.
[ Speaks Korean ]
[ Chattering ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Excuse me. Hi.
I am making an examination ofthis young man,
uh, to find out if he would be a soldier in our army.
Oh, yeah, I know. Hi, Ho-Jon. How's she going, boy?
His heartbeat is much too fast,
and his, uh, blood pressure is dangerously high.
Oh, yeah? Ooh.
I guess you probably think he's unfit for the army, eh?
Yes, at first. But when I saw on his paper...
he worked in an American hospital where there are many drugs,
and he could have taken some by mistake.
What would he do a thing like that for? Who knows?
To find the truth, I will keep him here with me for a couple days.
By tomorrow, his fast heart and high blood pressure may be gone.
Look- So-So I suggest you say good-bye to him now.
Doctor, I will level— Nice try. It was a nice try.
Come on, Ho-Jon. Babe, hey—
Oh, man!
[ Man On P.A. ] The following program is brought to you...
through Radio Tokyo by courtesy of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
post number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.
A federal court ruled that E.I. du Pont de Nemours and Company,
Remington Arms Company, Incorporated...
and the Imperial Chemical Industries Limited of Great Britain...
have conspired to divide munitions and chemical markets- [ Fades ]
Fore!
[ Hawkeye Yells, Indistinct ]
[ Dogs Barking ]
[ Woman ] Hey! [ Hawkeye ] Idiot!
Idiot! He knocked me down the hill. He broke my umbrella.
Wish they wouldn't land these things here when we're playing golf.
That's him on the right. Fore!
Whoa! Wait! Wait! That's Captain Mc—
The lieutenant's come all the way from Seoul, sir, just to see you.
You're Captain McIntyre? Yes, I'm Captain McIn—
Lieutenant, you look terrible. Look at—
Captain, look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
Oh, no, no. Here, take your shirt off and tell me where it hurts.
I haven't seen a case like this since I was in school. Oh, my goodness.
Listen, Vollmer, tell them to prepare the major surgery.
This is one case in five. I think I can save you, Lieutenant.
You're to proceed to Kokura, Japan immediately.
Kokura, Japan? What's this all about?
Yeah, his dad's a congressman. Grenade went off in practice. There's a piece in his heart.
What? GI's dad's a congressman.
Grenade went off in practice. There's a piece in his heart.
Is that the X-rays? Yeah.
Apparently some big heart surgeon in Boston told the congressman...
the only man to take care of his son is Captain John McIntyre.
Of course, I suppose there could be two Captain John McIntyres.
No, no, I'm the onlyJohn McIntyre.
Look, Hammond says I can take along someone to assist me if I need him.
You wanna come? Yeah.
Lieutenant, I think I can save you.
Look, take one of these every half hour.
Now get into your helicopter and button up your shirt, for crying out loud.
You're in a military army!
That piece isn't even close to his heart. I know. I know.
It's nothing, but how many times do you get to go to Japan with your golf clubs?
Come on, Shirley. [ Chuckling ]
[ Hawkeye And Trapper Imitating Japanese ]
Goddamn army.
[ Imitating Japanese ]
[Japanese Continues ]
Goddamn army. [Japanese Continues ]
[ Engine Sputters ] Goddamn armyjeep!
Excuse me, soldier. I wonder ifyou could tell me where the congressman's son is.
He's in ward six. Darling, would you register for us?
Just a moment. You can't go in there. Who are you?
Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this is my favorite caddy.
You can't go in till I call Captain Peterson.
Wait a second. If this soldier wants to enforce her own orders,
I'm gonna take her on single-handedly. You can't go in.
[ All Yelling At Once ]
You open this! He's won two Purple Hearts.
- I'm gonna ravage your body, lady! - You stay away from me. I'll call the police.
I have not seen such a pretty lady! You can't come in here! Who are you?
I'm gonna call Captain Peterson. You stay away from me!
- And I'm gonna swallow it and chew it! - [ Screams ]
Oh! Oh!
- Captain Peterson, please. - Captain Peterson!
[ Mutters ] [ Patient Groaning ]
What are you two hoodlums doing in this hospital?
Ma'am, we are surgeons, and we are here to operate.
We're just waiting for a starting time, that's all.
You can't even go near a patient until Colonel Merrill says it's okay.
And he's still out to lunch. Look, Mother, I want to go to work in one hour.
We are the pros from Dover, and we figure to crack this kid's chest...
and get out to the golf course before it gets dark.
So you go find the gas passer, and you have him premedicate this patient.
Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now.
Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
Ham and eggs will be all right. Steak would be even better.
Then give me at least one nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
[ Gasps ]
Oh! You fool!
How do you want your steak cooked?
Towel.
Say the magic word, you make a hundred dollars.
All right, I demand an explanation.
[ Hawkeye ] Somebody get that dirty old man out ofthis operating theater.
Dirty old man? I'm Colonel Merrill.
[ Hawkeye ] I don't care ifyou're Jack Armstrong, the all-American boy.
If his chest gets infected, I will tell the congressman who did it.
Scissors, please. [ Trapper ] Here, let me have a skin "sutch."
Low pickups.
Who was that?
That's Colonel Merrill. This is his little store here.
Oh, yeah? Who are you?
I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[ Grunting ]
Listen, why don't you save your rapier-like wit for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye.
Hmm. Approximator.
[ Hawkeye ] Did I ever tell you about my friend Me Lay Marston?
Oh, yeah, yeah, that friend ofyours who would go around saying...
"Me Lay, you lay," to all the girls.
And, what, he'd score once out of 50 times, huh? Yeah, you told me about him.
He's passing gas for the congressman's son here.
Oh, really? When he's not passing gas, does he play golf?
I don't know. Do you play golf?
No. I have no time for golf.
I'm moonlighting down at Dr. Yamachi's New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.
This old guy that I met when I first came over here-
He's got a little crude hospital for kids,
and he finances it with a whorehouse, all in the same building.
It's the N.E.H.W.H. Come on down, and we'll get something going for you.
I've got an in in Kokura.
Here, soldier, take these.
Take our golf carts. Be careful. Don't drop any of those things...
'cause we're gonna play golf with 'em. It's important. Bye, pimp.
Ladies. Girls.
Gentlemen. Be careful ofthat—
Military police. [ Howls ]
All right, fellas. The game's over.
Finally caught up with us, huh?
[ Exhales ]
[ Sighs ] Where did we fail?
I don't know. I think it was the woman.
Something tells me I've seen her someplace before.
She was the one in Tangiers.
You can wait in the colonel's office. He'll be back in a few minutes.
Sir.
We don't blame you.
You were only doing yourjob.
[ Man On Radio ] United Press International...
today voted the Korean War the top news story...
of 1 95 1 . Shh! We're in the middle of putting.
The Allied high position in Germany- My God.
[ Continues, Indistinct ] All right. You men are under arrest.
I'll have you court-martialed. Ah, come off it, Colonel.
You won't have us. We have you.
Your boys blew this case, and we... bailed you out.
Now, we are going to stay here for one more day...
and check out the congressman's kid...
and— [ Groans ]
get in some golf for ourselves.
If that's okay with you, then we got a deal.
And if it isn't, then we can always call Washington...
and you tell them your story, and we'll tell them ours.
It's simple as that. In the meantime, we are going to be...
at the pro shop, where we are going to have a shower and a shave.
Ifyou want to get in touch with us, that is where we will be. [ Pops Lips ]
[ Snickering ]
[ Woman Speaking Japanese ] [ Whispering ] Is that a client?
[ Woman ] Is it— Is it— Oh, no. [ Laughs ]
[ Speaks Japanese ] [ Chattering ]
[ Indistinct ]
I've got sinuses too. Put some ofthat in that one.
Put it on a plate. How about sake?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Separate.
[ Knocks ] Excuse me.
[ Trapper ] What is that? That really looks good.
[ Speaking Japanese ] [ Groans ]
Oh, you try only one first.
Good? Oh, it's terrible.
[ Laughs ]
Wasabi? Mm-hmm.
Uh, listen, I, uh, hate to do this to you fellas, but— Hey, man, look at that.
Think you could take a minute and look at a kid for me?
Now? [ Hawkeye ] A kid?
Yeah. We had a little carelessness around here, and the other day...
one of our girls presented us with an eight-pound American-Japanese boy.
[ Chattering, Laughter ]
Well, whatever we feed him, it either comes right back up, or he coughs and turns blue.
He just has a hell of a time. We don't have to see him.
Just call that half-assed army hospital and tell them to get Lipiodol ready for his stomach,
and we'll go over and take some X-rays.
We can't get near that place. We can't— You know, with a civilian—
The colonel has a thing about it, especially a native, as he likes to-
[ Hawkeye ] Then don't tell him any more than is necessary.
Tell him the pros from Dover are on their way with an emergency.
Tell him to get the O.R. ready, get the kid asleep,
and Trapper and I will fix his tracheo-esophageal fistula.
[ Whistles ]
Okay, Me Lay, put him down in here.
Get him asleep as quick as you can, will you?
[ Nurse ] Where did this baby come from?
Watch him, all right? Is this what you got us up for?
[ Hawkeye ] Yeah, that's what we got you up for. We stumbled on him.
We don't want him, but we don't feel we can back away from him.
All right, this time I will not be intimidated.
I command that this illegal and improper use of army facilities cease immediately.
On this point, I stand as firm as the Rock of Gibraltar. Me Lay.
[ Gas Hissing ] And, furthermore— You can't do-
What the Sam Hill are you— [ Muffled Yelling ]
- [ Hawkeye ] Wow. - [ Trapper ] This one is for West Point.
- What the Sam Hill is going on here? - That's what they all say.
[ Trapper ] What a filthy, disgusting, despicable- [ Woman Giggling ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Trapper ] There's no competition to the Painless Pole, but it's pretty healthy, I think.
- [ Colonel Shouting ] - Oh, Colonel, we caught you with your pants down.
What about the men that are fighting for our country and our land?
[ Man On P.A. ] Attention. Attention.
Colonel Blake has secured for us The Halls of Montezuma.
So big, only the biggest of the screen can bring it to you all.
Technicolor. Tell it to the marines,
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs, who we now love more than ever.
Tell them they're still the greatest guys in the world.
Follow Lieutenant, Punchy, Limey, Babyface, Doc,
the poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery...
through some ofthe most interesting war films yet created.
[ Clears Throat ] Uh, due to a possible camp infection,
Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is now off limits.
That is all.
[ Woman ] Could I have some longer needles-
[ Trapper ] Could I have a sponge stick? Get her lung out ofthe way.
[ All Chattering ]
[ Trapper ] Cut down on the bagging, will you?
Hey, Dago. Hi.
You have a nice time in Japan?
Yeah, I screwed a Kabuki dancer. [ Laughter ]
[ Hawkeye ] Okay?
You're doing— Let me have the long fingers.
It's okay for now. Yeah, but I can't stop this bleeding.
Keeping the blood in, Painless. [ Trapper ] How's the intake, Painless?
[ Painless ] Normal. [ Trapper ] Clamp.
I'm here ifyou need me, Henry.
I can't talk to you now, Padre. No, uh—
Sponge stick. Sponge stick.
- [ Man ] Oh, he's going to be fine. - [ Dago Red ] Oh, good. Does anybody else need help?
[ Man ] It's taken too long. [ Trapper ] Get a clamp.
Ask around.
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ]
[ Coughs ] What's he got the flaps down for?
Duke? Come on, Duke. Open up.
No, I don't want any. Hey, Duke, come on! Open up, man!
Who is it? [ Clattering ]
What the hell you doing back here?
Come on. We've been working for hours. Will you open up?
Oh, wait a minute. I'll be right with you.
[ Clattering ]
Hi, Hot Lips. You miss us?
[ Both ] ♪ Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah ♪
♪ Shame, shame on you ♪♪ I— Uh—
[ Chuckles ] Well—
[ Phone Ringing ]
Radar. Yes, sir.
Hold this, please. [ Phone Ringing ]
Colonel Blake.
Henry? Yeah, Charlie here. Yeah.
I've, uh, got news for you.
You were so concerned about the battle for Old Baldy. [ Chuckles ]
Well, it's all over.
Oh, that's great news, General. Who won?
Oh, by the way, I have a report here, Henry,
from your, uh— from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.
She makes some accusations, Henry, I find pretty hard to believe.
Don't believe them then. Thank you, General. Good-bye.
Yeah. What?
Uh, thank you, Radar. You're welcome, sir.
[ Man Blowing Into Microphone ] Attention. Attention.
Friday night's movie willbe The Glory Brigade.
Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.
It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers charging side by side with Greeks, Anzacs,
showing the world a new way to fight as they use bulldozers like bazookas,
bayonets like bazookas— bullets.
Starring Victor Mature. That is all.
I'll be with Colonel Blake.
Uh, check this place out. See what the nurses are like, huh?
[ Airplane Passing Overhead ] Right, Charlie.
4077th Mobile Army Surgical— Yeah. Yeah.
Sir, do you know where—
Yes, I know where he is. Oh, all right.
[ Ice Rattling ] All right.
Thank you. Look, Charlie,
you can't blame Henry because Hot Lips Houlihan can't stand her name.
You know, she's just a lady, though.
What the hell. Come on, for crying out loud.
She's regular army. She's a fanatic about ritual.
She-She won't even let us play football.
Football? [ Man ] Gentlemen.
She's all lined up, Charlie. Yeah?
I-I didn't know you had a football team.
Well, it's pretty much in the planning stages. We've, uh—
No, no, we have a— we have a very fine football team.
Yeah? Well, we had a team back with the 325th EVAC last year.
And what a team that was. Yeah, yeah. I-I coached the boys myself.
He's the finest coach in the Far East.
Yeah. Uh, we're now trying to work out a schedule...
ofthe outfits that we're going to play this year.
Of course, we, you know, throw a little money into a pot and make bets.
How much, uh— How much money do you put into your pot?
Oh, 5,000, 6,000.
[ Trapper ] $5,000?
Oh, look. You know, I don't think we're in the sort of league that you're in.
Well, I'm sure we can find a date when we can play your team.
It can be arranged. Yeah.
I think I'll just talk this over with Henry, huh?
Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.
Thank you. What the hell you—
Sir, ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor,
I've been proud to wear this uniform.
What the hell is this? A helicopter.
Hawkeye, that man has five times the manpower to draw on than we do.
Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?
We get Henry to apply, make a specific application for a neurosurgeon.
He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones?
Oh, he's— Who is Oliver Harmon Jones? Who the hell is Harmon Jones?
He is better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
He's a good ballplayer. Oh, yeah!
He's that Negro boy played with the 49ers, ain't he? He's incredible.
Sure. Yeah, sure. I remember. He's good. He's good.
Henry, ifwe had closer relations, we wouldn't have this misunderstanding, right?
Now, that's where a football game would help between your outfit and mine.
Football game? Yeah, yeah. We put up a few bets-
5,000 maybe- and have a little fun.
Special Services in Tokyo says it's one ofthe best gimmicks we've got...
to keep the American way of life going here in Asia.
Betting? No! Football!
But what about Major O'Houlihan?
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her. Gee, I don't know—
It's a helicopter, Charlie. I know it's a helicopter!
Uh, you know, you guys have one problem.
I just wonder about the social problem.
You know, I mean, he's the only Negro officer in the whole camp, you know.
We got a problem— Then we'll stick him in here with us, baby boy.
You-You're serious, ain't ya? You'd do that.
Sure, I'm serious. Yeah. [ Stammering ]
It's enough for me to have to put up with you two Yankees,
but, you know, uh, that's-
Was it his wife? Uh, was that why, or was it the religious-
[ Man ] It was— It was a conditioning problem.
[ Woman ] Why do they call you "Spearchucker"? I used to throw the javelin.
[ Chattering ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
All right, men, we're not here to sell lemonade. We're here to practice.
But first, I'd like to officially welcome Spearchucker.
Is it all right to call you that? Call me whatever you want to.
Good. Well, I just want you to know that we're all the same here on the playing field.
Uh, officers and men alike. Now we're going to begin...
with the three basic principles—
organization, discipline and teamwork.
Now— Pardon me. Do you mind ifwe limber up first?
Oh, that's a good idea. You organize that.
[ Chattering ]
Hold that line, hey! Hold that line, hey!
[ Henry ] All right, Seidman. Keep 'em pushing that, uh, whatever you call it.
Oh, that's good. All right, Hot Lips, keep their arms and limbs moving there.
[ Men Yelling ] Very good.
[ Henry ] Radar, you're a coach!
You're not a corporal. You're a coach! Keep 'em going through there.
- Good, Hot Lips. - [ Whistle Blows ]
All right, Seidman, give 'em five. All right, men, take five.
Spearchucker.
Well, we look pretty lousy, don't we?
Well, for college players that have been out oftraining for seven or eight years, yeah, you look pretty lousy.
Listen, I got an idea how we can make some money.
We leave him out ofthe first half ofthe game.
We bet half our money. They roll up some points, okay?
Second half ofthe game, we stick him in. We get odds from them.
We bet the other half ofthe money, and we clean up.
That's very good thinking, Captain. Yeah, it sounds good to me.
Oh, and I had another idea. I think we should have some plays. I gotta get some water.
You know, usually in football, ifyou have some organized plays—
Well, ifyou don't mind, I took the liberty.
Oh, you— Oh. I drew up about seven or eight plays.
Oh, these are good. I think that's about all this bunch can handle.
Oh, very good. Yes. Oh, very, very good.
Uh, what are these little arrows?
♪♪ [ March ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
♪♪ [ Continues ] [ No Audible Dialogue ]
Right in Smith's hands. Oh!
- ♪♪ [ Continues ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Well, it's only six points. Six points?
[ All Shouting ]
Hut!
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Sighs ] Oh, well. It's only one point.
- One point? - Who's Number 1 ? That man runs like a rabbit. We can't stop him.
I remember him from the pros. They call him "Super Bug." Had one year with the Rams before the army.
[ Duke ] We can't do anything with him in there.
You gotta come in now. We can't wait till the second half.
We gotta stick to our strategy. But the first thing you guys have to do is get him out ofthe ball game.
Hey, Davidson. Yeah.
Let's ease up just a little bit. Uh, we don't want the score too lopsided.
[ Cheerleaders Chanting ]
- [ Houlihan ] We caught it! - [ Crowd Shouting ]
[ Groans ] [ Woman ] Get him! Yeah!
Get him!
[ Groans ] [ Woman ] Get him! Yeah!
Get him!
- Who's he giving it to? - Isn't that Corporal Judson with the ball?
[ Henry ] Judson?Judson's a lineman! Judson can't run!
Look at him. He's loose. He's loose. He's—
[ Crowd Shouting ]
[ Whistle Blows ] [ Hawkeye ] For crying out loud, Judson, what are you doing?
[Judson ] I don't know. [ Trapper ] What are you doing with the ball?
All right, come on. Let's get in a huddle.
You had the whole field open. What'd you go and fall down for?
I'm not a goddamn runner. I'm a lineman.
[ Whistle Blows ] [ Man ] Let's go!
We're gonna really clean up today. Ah.
Hut one, hut two!
[ Crowd Jeering ]
Uh, it's only two points. Two points?
What the hell you think you are, a cannon?
[ Trapper ] What kind of a snap was that? We got a lot of money on this game.
- This is embarrassing, man. - [ Cheerleaders, Indistinct ]
[ Cheerleaders Continue, Indistinct ]
[ Cheerleaders ] Let's go!
Yea! [ Dago Red ] What happens now?
We get a free kick. A free kick! Go!
[ With Cheerleaders ] Kick that ball! Kick that ball!
Another six points. Another six points?
[ Chattering ]
Look. Look. He's- He's hurt. He's leaving the game.
He's hurt! He's hurt! He's leaving the game. He's hurt!
What the hell's the matter with you? Smith! Smith!
Goddamn bastards pulled something.
Hey, Coach, did I break my nine 400?
Four hundred? This is not a track meet, this is a football game!
What the hell you think I pay you for? I gotta run the 220.
What? Get him up. Walk him around. Do something.
I'll run the 440. 440? This is a football game, goddamn it!
- [ Whistle Blows ] - [ Applause ]
All right, you guys, get in there and kill 'em!
All right, Bub, your fuckin' head is coming right off.
I'm ready, Coach. I'm ready, Coach. Ready? For what?
I'm in the broad jump, Coach. Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!
Still 1 6-nothing. [ Voice Cracks ] 1 6-nothing.
Well, that's not bad. 1 6-nothing in the first half.
Guess I have to give them the old Knute Rockne at halftime.
About time for the gun. Right.
[ Gunshot ]
Yea! [ Gasping ]
[ Whistle Blows ] He runs like a mother, but how we gonna score—
Men, ever since the dark days before Pearl Harbor,
I have been proud to wear this uniform. Boone, you got a towel?
Henry, have you pressed the bets yet? Today, we are wearing—
Henry, have you pressed the bets yet? Oh, the bets.
Henry, press the bets, man. The bets, the bets. Finish the halftime speech.
[ Cheerleaders ] Hit 'em with a mortar! Kick 'em offthe hill!
Mash 'em, smash 'em, kill, kill, kill!
Hot Lips, there's a time and a place for everything, damn it! [ Gasps ]
Right. Bo-bo. [ All ] Bo-bo!
Come on, Smitty. Come on. [ Door Closes ]
Yeah.
What's the matter with him? What's the matter? Hell, you oughta know.
You guys pulled something out there.
[ Henry ] Well, I guess you don't wanna double the bet.
Oh, the hell I don't. We were beating you without him, and we'll go on beating you.
Are you prepared to back that up with odds?
Damn right. Three-to-one. Double the bet.
Who's that 24? Who is he?
[ Cheering ] [ Hammond ] Stop it! Stop him!
Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half. Stop him!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
That's "Spearchucker" Jones. "Spearchucker" who?
He played with San Francisco before he got drafted. Boy, he's gonna be tough to stop too.
Tough to— Ah, Henry, you brought in a ringer, did you? Huh?
Radar? Yes, sir?
What's the general trying to say? Didn't bring him in in the first half, did you?
He's just been informed as to the identity of our, uh, Spearchucker.
His ringer spotted our ringer.
How do you like them apples, Charlie?
You can't trust anybody.
Now watch him make the extra point!
Hut three!
[ Whistle Blows ]
Isn't that illegal?
Relax, Charlie. What kind ofteam is it?
Relax. They're falling around like dead flies.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Whistle Blows ] [ Referee ] All right. Ball is down. Ball is down.
No piling. Let's get 'em up.
Look, a red flag! We've got a red flag! [ Woman Screaming ]
Hot Lips! [ Screaming ]
It's a penalty, you blithering idiots.
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Chattering ] [ Whistle Blows ]
Judson, get off of him. You'll be thrown out of the game!
Judson, kill him!
[ Chattering ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
What's wrong with you, huh? We're here to play football, not fight!
Bastard 88 called me a coon.
Called you a what?
Coon. [ Duke Laughs ]
That's an old pro trick to get you thrown out ofthe ball game.
Well— Why don't you do the same thing to him?
What, call him a coon?
No, no, the boys in camp used to talk about his sister.
Her name was Gladys. Use it.
Yeah. All right! All right!
Ready, set—
[ Man Yelling, Indistinct ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Whistle Blowing ] [ Hammond ] What the hell is he doing, for God's sake?
What's the matter here?
- Takin' him out. - [ Shouting ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Radar ] Hey, you big ape! Blockhead!
[ Cheerleaders ] Sixty-nine is divine! Sixty-nine is divine!
There you go, Charlie! Another side of beef for your butcher shop!
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheerleaders ] Let's get the ball and really go!
Hey, hey. Ho, ho. Who's the little brunette? Is she a new one?
Yeah, I just had her shipped in. Yeah, not bad.
Kill 'em! Kill 'em, goddamn it!
Hut one!
[ Radar ] Hey! [ Gunshot ]
My God, they've shot him!
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop, it's the end ofthe quarter.
What did I make you a major for? For a team like that?
[ Major ] I did the best I could, Charlie. I didn't know they were gonna bring him in.
[ Hammond ] I oughta put you in there and let them kill you. What about my knee, Charlie?
Better get on your goddamn knee and start praying. Trick knee, my ass.
[ Shouting, Indistinct ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Shouts, Indistinct ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
My God!
Hut!
[ Whistle Blows ]
Not bad, huh? Did you see that?
Get the hell back there! Where's my— Get back there!
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
Time.
[ Chattering ]
[ Cheerleaders Chanting, Indistinct ]
Well, looks like we may make it. Seconds to go. All right.
Okay, fellas. We don't have very much time left.
I just checked with the ref. I got a special play I want to run— a center eligible play.
We line up with everybody to the right ofthe center,
except Hawkeye, who drops back one yard just before the snap ofthe ball.
Now, that makes you the center eligible.
But all you have to do is take the ball right back from Trapper between your legs...
and hide it under your belly and walk toward their goal line.
All right?
- Hey, Trapper. - All right, come on. [ Chuckles ]
This is only one time. $5,000, all right?
It's worth a try. [ Hawkeye ] This is a miracle ifwe can.
- I'm short. I'm short one. - [Jones ] What do you say? Let's do it now.
Ready,
set.
- What are you doing? Get back there! - I got the ball. I got the ball.
Run with it!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Shouting ] Who the hell's that?
Illegal!
Goddamn it, where's that referee?
- [ Gunshot ] - Goddamn it!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Hawkeye ] We won. We won. We won! We won!
One. Two dollars.
Two dollars.
Four dollars.
I fold. Raise you two more. He raised it two?
Raise you another two.
I have an Oklahoma. [ Laughs ] Oh, God.
[ Bandini ] What is that? Oklahoma. It's a pair of eights,
a 1 0 of spades, a deuce and a five. [ UglyJohn ] You win.
What are you talking about? What do you have?
[ Man On P.A. ] Tokyo, United States...
Armed Forces Radio...
is on the air.
♪♪ [ Big Band Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Woman Singing In Japanese ]
♪ Shoeshine boy ♪
♪♪ [ Continues In Japanese ]
Duke? Huh?
You busy?
Uh, what is it?
Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
[ Crowd Cheering ] [ Horns Honking ]
Right now?
Anytime. Whenever we want.
You mind ifwe get out of this guy's brain first?
Oh.
Uh, can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.
Pledget. Haven't you?
[Jones ] I wanna make sure the oozing is completely checked before I close up.
Damn perfectionist.
Yeah, well, I'm, uh—
[ Chuckles ] I'll see ya.
Five goddamn months, and they don't even give a guy off for time- good behavior.
Hey, thanks, man. I'll see you around.
Possible.
Take care of the squirrels.
[ Barking ]
So long, pup-pup.
Will you go, for Christ sakes? Will you go before they change their mind? Get outta here.
"O Lord God, listen favorably to our prayers,
"and with your right hand bless this jeep.
"Send your holy angels so that all who ride in it...
"may be delivered and guarded from every danger.
"And as you granted faith and grace by your deacon Philip...
"to the man from Ethiopia who was sitting in his chariot and reading holy scripture,
"show the way of salvation to your servants...
"so that, helped by your grace and always intent on doing good works,
"they may, after all the trials oftheir pilgrimage and life on Earth,
"attain to everlasting joys through Christ our Lord. [ Chattering ]
Amen."
Captain Pierce, your driver will be here in just a minute. Yes, sir.
Have a good trip, sir.
Let's go, driver. [ Whistles ]
[ Man On P.A. Clears Throat ] Attention. Tonight's movie has been MASH.
[ Chattering ] Follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons...
as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines- Good-bye! Good-bye!
operating as bombs- [ Chuckles ]
operating as bombs and bullets burst around them;
snatching laughs and love between amputations and penicillin.
Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
No, sir. That's the one he came in.
Oh, very good. Come along, my dear.
[ Man On P.A. ] Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red, Painless—
[ Whistles ] Radar, Hot Lips, Dish...
and Staff Sergeant Vollmer...
as they put our boys back together again.
Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould,
Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall, Jo Ann Pflug,
Rene Auberjonois, Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin,
John Schuck, Fred Williamson, Indus Arthur, Tim Brown,
Corey Fischer, Bud Cort, Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon,
Tamara Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman, Kim Atwood,
Michael Murphy, G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.
Goddamn army. That is all.
[ Gong Resounds ]