Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats.
Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.
This story might fall under the heading
of "One thing leads to another."
It started on August 20th.
At 7 p.m., Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show
featuring political comedy, was talking to the audience
during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of the show.
Thanks for coming. This isn't the actual show.
The cameras are pointing at nothing, and some critics have said that, too.
But I'm just here to kind of talk to you, warm up the audience.
A little bit of foreplay. Sorry.
I'll back up now just for harassment reasons.
The government said... Well, a lot of people said
we're cutting back spending, we're cutting back spending, but NASA actually spent
$28 million to develop a fountain pen that would write upside down
in space in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem
with 5-cent pencil.
Very easy. Writes upside down, zero gravity.
After two cases of vodka, still writing.
If you have GPS, be careful.
I bought a Mercedes recently,
had the talking GPS, "Up ahead, take a right."
I open the door, the car went, "Are you Jewish?"
But soon, all of your appliances will talk to each other.
You'll get on the scale, and the scale will go:
"Psst! I've talked to the microwave."
I've noticed many of you with your little cell phones.
Soon they'll get so small, you won't see them.
They'll just be inside you. "Hold on, I got a call. Hello?"
No, no, I'll make it louder. Hold on.
Wait, I'm taking a picture.
"Oh, wait, wait, I got mail."
It was during a Q&A that a woman made a statement.
- Yes, yes, ma'am. - Hi.
I feel so frustrated with the political system,
and my friends say the same thing all the time.
Maybe you should run for president.
The comment was quickly forgotten, and minutes later, the show got underway.
Senator, I'm picking up that the general public
is frustrated with the polarization of the party,
and lack of accountability. It's crazy.
A woman said I should run for president.
- Maybe I should. - Within three hours,
there were 4 million e-mails endorsing Dobbs for president.
Over the course of the next week, Dobbs mentioned this four more times.
The Internet was on fire.
Over 8 million e-mails. It was a grass-roots movement
fueled by the power of the Internet and the cult of personality.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience.
We have a great show for you, so without any further ado...
On September 2nd, something very, very unusual happens.
Tomorrow, I will officially announce my candidacy
for President of the United States.
Did you write that?
Where's the punchline?
Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,
or maybe it was because Tom believed this audience demanded it, who knows.
As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was shocked as everyone around me
and I wasn't exactly pleased.
Does this mean I'm out of a job?
Shortly thereafter, Tom was on the ballot for 13 states.
That was part one of the unusual progression of events.
On the West Coast, the second domino toppled over.
Voter confusion.
Endless recounts.
Unreliable results.
Democracy held hostage.
In today's America, technology empowers the public in nearly everything they do.
And now, voting with confidence.
Introducing the Delacroy voting system.
Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national franchise
for computerized voting in the coming presidential election.
In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.
For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.
It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.
It was, of course, a major coup for this Silicon Valley-based company.
When the dubbed versions come in I need to see the contracts.
Delacroy.
As CEO of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.
In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.
I just got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own little election.
With the referendums, propositions and amendments,
- just add the candidates' names. - Why?
We've never run a configuration like this, so I thought I'd give it a test drive.
Oh, God. I think I burned my lip.
It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.
But no matter how you slice it,
it's what you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.
Whether she was being diligent in her work,
or she was obsessive-compulsive,
or she really didn't have a personal life, who knows.
But late that night, she found something that seemed very wrong.
Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.
Why did the president win?
Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an e-mail to CEO James Hemmings.
She wrote that something was wrong-
She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"
"compatibility problem," things like that.
Hemmings read the e-mail, and reacted as a CEO
whose stock fortune was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.
If there really was a problem, it was too late to correct it,
so he ignored the memo
and hoped the problem would go away.
I've read a lot of op-ed pieces and they've said
Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.
All right. I will address the issue. The issue revolves around representation.
The people of America are not being represented.
Our political leaders are too indebted
to special-interest groups and party politics.
This country was founded on the principle of government of the people,
by the people, for the people. We are the wealthiest nation
in the history of the world, we are the most powerful nation
on this planet, and yet we can't educate our own children.
- Thought that went pretty well. - Lincoln got more laughs
- at the Gettysburg Address. - Don't start.
Everybody Loves Raymond is doing is doing huge numbers in reruns.
Comedy, comedy sells. Can we remember that?
- I don't wanna get into this. - I don't care what you say,
but say it with humor. These crowds expect it.
You keep giving speech after speech, nothing's funny.
They'll get funny when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.
- It's too dry. - I came on the campaign
- to talk about issues. - There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.
Remember the motto, "It's no joke"? It's no joke.
Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?
You're a comedian who talks about politics.
So when you talk about politics without the comedy,
it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.
You'll quickly discover something is missing.
We should have politicians who represent us
and not special-interest groups. Whenever they wanna distract you,
they use weapons of mass distraction. They bring up an amendment
to ban burning of the flag.
By spending even one moment talking about that,
you're denying other things. Education, environmental issues.
So I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.
That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.
Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.
This is where the special-interest groups start.
When you have a campaign that costs $200 million,
you owe someone something somewhere down the line.
That's why I refuse to run television commercials.
Just be entertaining. Who would you rather have dinner with:
Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the U.N.?
Which dinner is gonna be more interesting?
If there's no candles, Richard. But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say,
"Coffee, Kofi? What? Coffee? Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"
♪ We live in a political world ♪
♪ Love don't have any place ♪
♪ We're living in times Where men commit crimes ♪
♪ And crime don't have a face ♪
He's in the debate?
He's in the debate.
Tom Dobbs is gonna be in the debate.
They're gonna let him participate in the debate.
- We struck gold or what? - Oh, my God.
- We're gonna have to start writing. - We can write it,
- but is he gonna do any of it? - Praise the Internet.
Sixteen million e-mails spoke loud and clear.
Ha, ha! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
♪ Is misguided as hell Leaving no one to pick up a trail ♪♪
The following is a quote from our debate advisory standards:
"All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose"
and significant support going into the final 30 days of an election
"should be included in debates." Unquote.
Yes.
Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.
He's, by far, the strongest of the independents,
I'm very much looking forward to the debate.
Now, I'm more than confident of my decisions,
my positions, and my strong relationship with the voting public.
Any my hair.
Well, the first thing you gotta do is say you have unconfirmed information
the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.
It goes back to the Johnson thing. President Johnson
- Oh, President Johnson. - Wanted to accuse his opponents
of having sex with animals, okay? One of his staffers said,
"How can you prove that?" He said, "I can't, but I wanna hear them deny it."
- Seriousness of purpose. - The debate is gonna be
a night full of pomposity. The air is gonna be full of bullshit.
They're gonna be thanking everyone.
They'll thank their wives, children, all have been supportive.
This is our night to shine, Tom. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.
It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall
but shows up and plays the violin. It's not what they go to see.
- How many analogies do you have left? - How many does it take to make my point?
I didn't mean to yell.
You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there.
Yeah, but may I reiterate? They got me in
because of my seriousness of purpose. They saw that,
- and that's why we're in this debate. - Serious talk puts us to sleep.
You wanna talk about a serious issue, people tune out.
Wait a second. Do you think anybody remembers the issues?
When there's a debate, do you...? When was the last time any human being,
any American watched the debate and went, "God, did you hear what he said?"
"He talked about fiscal policy."
"My eyes are open and I can hear again."
All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor
- after a Mexican meal. - I'm begging you, please.
I'm like a man without water. Please, an acerbic comment, would it kill you?
Just for me.
More people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher.
News from comedians. How crazy is that?
Let's move on, okay? Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.
Well, I hope this doesn't sound silly,
but the other two candidates are family men.
Okay? And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you gonna come off
- as family-friendly? - Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.
We'd lose a certain amount of people there.
But Chicago, the dead vote there.
As soon as the program starts
and we see the candidates' wives with their little red suits.
I have to get married before the debate?
Campaign during the day, date at night.
It's like some weird reality show. Actually, it's not a bad idea.
Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.
"And here's our first contestant. Your name, please?"
"Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions." "Yes, indeed, dear."
"Contestant Number Two, your name?" "Miss Sogeny."
"Yes, I thought he was really hot.
But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went "Uh-uh."
I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.
I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.
Deep drill, you know?
"Get down in the mud and take it home, Daddy. That's all."
It's a piece of shit idea that could work.
Yeah, but you're running.
You're running because the people wanted you to run.
Why did they want you to run?
To listen to you talk about issues? Are you kidding me?
I can barely listen to you talk about issues, okay?
- Have I not said this 100 times? - We're going to Chicago,
I'm doing the same thing I've been doing. That's how I got here.
I wanna keep doing it. I sense that'll work.
♪ Thrown like a star in my vast sleep I opened my eyes to take a peek ♪
♪ To find that I was by the sea Gazing with tranquility ♪
You gotta go to Makeup, Tom.
Makeup.
♪ Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love ♪
♪ Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man Came singing songs of love ♪
♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy Hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪
♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy ♪♪
Look at this. It's like the circus.
This is nuts.
When I was a kid, I was in the circus.
- No. - Yes. I used to shave elephants.
You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.
I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild,
- they rub it on trees. - Come on.
In the circus, you shave them with a blowtorch.
One of those pump things with gasoline. You throw it all over their face.
You gonna have coffee?
- Because I need it to stay awake. - Do you have green tea?
Ow long have you been smoking?
Since I was 7.
Since you were 7?
My father was a big smoker.
While President Kellogg and Senator Mills have spent approximately $195 million
apiece on the campaign for media advertising,
Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.
He refuses to spend money on media saying, "Candidates are not products."
All right, here's the very latest now. Dobbs is running at about 17 percent
in the 13 states where he's on the ballot.
- You want a beer or soda? - Soda, please.
Compared to a network show,
he certainly has been extremely influential in some smaller circles.
We got some clips. Are they ready in there?
- I TiVo all his shows. - Here's some excerpts from his show.
Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced that they are replacing air bags
in their new sedans with breast implants.
The number of rear-end collisions has increased 95 percent in Sweden.
And a lot of guys just like to bump their car and see what happens.
Pope Benedict has finally mechanized the Swiss Guard and said:
"It's my choice. I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland."
I didn't mention this at the time when he was chosen pope.
I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian pope. Pope Raul.
Just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers.
That would bring a lot of people back to the Church.
- You've got really great skin. - Thank you.
- A little bit of a tan. - Heh. Thanks.
I went to a tanning salon.
I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but they set it on George Hamilton.
- Doesn't he have a grill? - No, that's George Foreman.
Wanna get married?
I need a wife before the debate.
Interested?
I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.
A nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious.
Helicopter pad in the back, couple thousand phone lines, staff of 60.
- Come on. - Are you nervous?
Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?
- You have your own TV show. - Yeah, but I ask the questions.
You got two minutes.
Here we go.
Good evening, and welcome to this last presidential debate
between the major candidates for president of the United States.
The candidates are the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg,
the Republican nominee, Senator Mills,
and for the first time included in tonight's debate,
the independent, Tom Dobbs. My name is Faith Daniels
and I'll be the moderator for tonight's debate, which is coming
-to you from the campus -Cleavage?
- Of the University of Chicago. - Is that legal?
- Very cute. - Now, the format has been agreed to
by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.
There is no subject matter that's restricted.
As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement.
The order of those as well as the formal questioning
were decided in advance by drawing.
Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.
Mr. Dobbs, how would you explain your decision
to run for President of the United States?
I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.
I'm tired of the Republican Party- I'm tired of the Democratic Party.
- Ooh, edgy. - No difference. Mr. Potato candidate.
You have a thing here where, here's the operative word: Party.
Behind closed doors, whew! I think they just have a good time.
When you read transcripts, the things your Secretary of Defense says,
there must be an open bar somewhere.
The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for.
They're responsible to the people. Not party loyalties.
Definitely not lobbyists.
- That's why I wanna run. - Not punchy enough.
I never thought I'd be saying this, but you have one minute remaining.
Can I get a refund?
We will continue- TOM: Okay.
Senator, I'd like to ask you the same question.
Thank you, Faith-Thank all of you responsible for having us here.
I'd like to thank my wife and children, who have been very supportive
of my candidacy, and very helpful.
This guy smiles so much, it upsets me.
I would like to thank all of those of you who made this possible.
And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills,
with respect to family, children, wives, and immediate family,
and the enormously important role that they play in our failure or success,
and in my case, success.
My love to them. My love to all...
- What? Why is he running on? - He's talking about his wife and children.
- You know? - Who cares?
Thank you so much.
And that's why I have been
a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.
President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.
I am in total agreement, without equivocation,
that security measures have got to remain tough.
Thank you.
Mr. Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?
- Come on. Do it. - Tom, go for it.
Some of these measures are already tough.
If you've ever been through Passport Control,
you stand in line with thousands of people,
get to an Immigration officer behind bulletproof glass.
He takes your passport. Looks at your picture, at you.
Says, "Why do you have your hair cut?" "I felt good about myself."
They have a video camera that takes a picture of you,
compares it to a previous picture. They're tough. Skeptical.
- He's got to make his move. - More oomph.
Meanwhile, the southern borders of our country, 4 million illegal aliens
are crossing the border with bedroom sets, night tables.
- Hit them again. - We're trying to reenter
the country legally. And they're asking, "Where have you been? Why?"
You start to doubt yourself. "I forgot why I was there."
I guess it was pleasure. I felt it was a vacation. I'm sorry.
I took a vacation. I don't know why.
And then...
Next thing, they're patting down an 85-year-old lady
in a walker. If there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker, and she's a terrorist,
basically, game's over, folks-
When they put on that rubber glove and look at me, I'm going:
"Okay. Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."
I'm saying, let's have real security and not just the illusion of security.
Oh! Yeah.
And be distracted by it. That's what I'm saying.
I fully support hydrogen cars-
Weird, because you're backed by oil companies.
You'll have your turn- TOM: Sorry.
Some of my colleagues and I in the senate have come up with a strategy.
If you're in bed with oil, how could you talk fuel efficiencies?
- That's like a kosher pig farmer. - He's getting angry.
This is not your talk show, Mr. Dobbs.
You're not on your private plane, flying to the golf vacation
with the three heads of the major oil corporations.
Wow.
- Like something I've never saw before. - Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium.
As a blimp. No smoking in the hydrogen... Boom! Hindenburg.
- Mr. Dobbs, please... - Of course, he's for hydrogen.
It'll take 30 years to develop. Meanwhile, we haven't got
any more fuel efficiency. We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane.
Hard to do, holding that chicken over the gas tank.
Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol. It's grain alcohol.
If you get stopped by the police, "My car's been drinking. Not me, baby."
Or maybe helium, because if you have a helium car...
If you have a helium car, you get rear-ended.
"Hey, something's wrong."
- Mr. Dobbs, return to your podium. - Miss Daniels, some order.
- We have... - Some order, yes.
You talk about responsibility. What about you?
Your Treasury Department lost $28 billion.
Please, return to your podium.
Tell me you're not receiving major finance contributions from oil companies.
I don't take kindly to the fact that you're calling me a liar.
If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.
You should be accountable.
The voters should know what you represent.
If you're representing special interest groups, we should be like NASCAR.
We'd be in the senate with our suits on. There should be little patches.
Like they wear in NASCAR. Vioxx: backaches end, heart attacks begin.
Put the big one in the back: Enron. We take your money and run.
Smackdown.
It's all about accountability.
We have a format that we agreed upon.
We got some trouble here. Stand by on three. Take three.
The airlines...
Faith, can you hear me? Can you get control of this please?
- Get control of this. - Don't you see?
We deal in weapons of destruction. They push your buttons.
That's how they do it. Hydrogen fuel.
He wants an amendment on flag burning-
It's an emotional issue. Talking about the desecration of the flag,
but if you go online now, you can buy flag underwear.
Wow!
You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong.
"Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is."
- It's all about distractions. - Mr. Dobbs.
Mr. Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage.
Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex.
- Dobbs. - They don't know what to do.
- What's up with that? - Mr. Dobbs.
It's a distraction. They point over here. Point over there.
They want you not to know. You don't need an amendment.
Make it out of asbestos- No one will want to touch the thing.
Do not make a mockery of this process.
Return to your podium.
It was a mockery long before I came here.
Now we got applause. This is wonderful.
We're absolutely out of control.
$200 billion, you could buy a few books.
Mr. Dobbs.
Hard to say how voters are gonna react to Dobbs.
Either he's a hot dog, or the genuine article.
He did make some issues come home, and if he can actually follow through,
- he may have scored points. - Good point.
But you know what? This wasn't just funny and abstract, it was very pointed.
He was making political points in comedy. I thought it was incredible entertainment.
How good the politics is, we'll wait and see.
It's gonna be difficult to assess how the public will respond
to the undisciplined behavior Tom Dobbs exhibited.
- I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric. - Jack. Excuse me.
Can you go see Tom right away? He thinks he screwed up.
Yeah, I'm euphoric. He thinks he screwed up.
Who gives a shit what talking heads think? Different is good.
When I first saw you, I liked you because you were different. New.
Talked too fast.
Couldn't understand you half the time, but you were fresh.
These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.
They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.
Wanna be like them? Waste of time. You wanna be different.
All bets are off.
You're a good candidate, Tom. As loony as that seems. But...
What?
You could be an even better one.
Are you all right?
What's wrong?
I'm just a little short of breath.
Let's get you to the hospital.
It's his emphysema. Doctors say he has a problem
with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.
There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I making that up?
First time I'll be in front of an audience without him.
Do what you did tonight, and things could get interesting.
The old bastard's right. Look at that.
You got to be different to make an impression.
Forget trying to be presidential.
You end up looking like another stiff in a suit.
I got to play my game.
They thought I was wild in the debate?
Watch me the next two weeks.
I'm back.
How do you answer allegations you were arrested for smoking marijuana?
Definitely. I did inhale-I thought, "What the hell? I'll inhale it."
- You're not denying these charges. - I was 25. Stoned.
- I was on everything but skates. - You think it'll affect the campaign?
You want my history? When I was a boy, I looked at pictures of naked ladies.
My right hand's very strong.
I touched myself more than a third-base coach.
Seventeen, I beat up a guy.
When I was 21, I went to a prostitute. I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
I had a blind date I left in the theater. I felt so bad, I married her.
That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with.
I just farted a little while back there.
Any other nonsense you'd like to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss.
Full disclosure. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the campaign.
It's gonna be a whole new ballgame. Brace yourselves.
Are you tired of the Democratic party?
Are you tired of the Republican party?
Tired of a Congress that does nothing?
Tired of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before?
Then I... I have an idea.
Don't vote for the congressmen or senators.
- You know how we're gonna pick them? - No!
The same way we pick a jury.
You'll get a more interesting cross-section than the folks now.
I guarantee you.
Want a better healthcare system?
You have an HMO saying, "We'll give you Viagra.
We won't pay for glasses."
You can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.
We're gonna change it, aren't we?
Yeah!
We're not talking liberal or conservative. Bigtime change.
Recently, past administrations said it's unpatriotic to question the government.
If it was unpatriotic, we'd still be English.
The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."
There were guys in Boston going, "Here's your tea. Right here."
I'm tired of the Democratic party. I'm tired of the Republican party.
We're talking about freedom of speech and freedom of religion.
The idea of practicing any religion you want, anytime.
You could be anything. Be Bewish. Jewish and Buddhist.
Sit and wait for things to go on sale. That's okay.
The freedom of religion. Occasionally, religion crosses over.
"You must teach intelligent design."
Look at the human body. Intelligent? I find it more interesting.
You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.
They always attack environmentalists. "You're a tree hugger."
"I've done more than hug a tree.
Find the right naughty pine, you'll have a good night."
Oh, yeah, who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?
I'm not just a tree hugger. I'm an air breather.
It's bad enough for the squirrels going, "Help me.
I can't breathe today."
If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing going:
"I love catching two-headed bass.
They're good eating once you get past the tumors."
I'm tired of the Democratic Party. Now, I'm tired of the Republican Party.
That's why we're here. You want change. Yeah!
Yeah. You wanna shake it up.
You have to be eyes wide open. Ready to move on.
Arm in arm, hand in hand. Everybody together.
Moving forward, because the future is now.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Whoo!
- Tom, you're the greatest. - Thank you.
You don't want one of us to drive? It's eight hours to Chicago.
No, I just wanna be alone with my Barry White tapes.
Tom, the doctors say that Jack is still pretty weak.
He could doze off before all the results are in.
He used to do that during my act.
Pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken.
- They're cheaper on the road. - You're so thoughtful.
- It's my middle name. - Compassion.
The exit polls are very close.
Kelloggs and Mills are running about even
with Dobbs at around 17 percent of the vote.
♪ I believe in the senses sight and sound I have always been too loud ♪
♪ Won't you help me drown it out? ♪
President Kellogg is winning by a small margin
over Senator Mills in Rhode Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts.
In all three states, the numbers are very close.
See these numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.
Delaware is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.
- It's not computing right? - It's not. Something's wrong.
An unusual turn of events in Virginia
with now 87 percent of the votes in,
comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.
That's gonna surprise more than a few of the experts.
Dobbs' numbers have been increasing since the debate.
Most of the polls had him with 10 to 11 percent.
So if this vote holds true in Virginia, Dobbs is going to surprise people.
Yeah.
Ding-dong.
- Ready for your piña colonic? - What are you doing here?
Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.
- How about Virginia? - Virginia's okay, but Debbie, whoo!
- Such a slut. - Heh.
Intensive care package here.
- Red wine. Yes. - A good month.
Okay. A little cheese and pâté. Always good after a heart attack.
Sit.
Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey, as well as Virginia.
A blue and a red state. His message cuts across political lines.
It's gonna be interesting.
You're not gonna win, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.
From all the signs, that Delacroy voting system has worked well.
We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booth or other snafus.
Seems this has probably straightened out voting problems in the past.
♪ John the Revelator Put him in an elevator ♪
♪ Take him up to the highest high ♪
♪ Take him up to the top Where the mountains stop ♪
♪ Let him tell his book of lies ♪
♪ John the Revelator He's a smooth operator ♪
♪ It's time we cut him down to size ♪
- Excuse me. - Hey, Eleanor.
- Have you looked at these numbers? - Yeah, yeah.
I e-mailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.
I was told the glitch was limited to my computer.
- Yeah. What? You calling me a liar? - No. All I'm saying is that
these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned in my e-mail.
- Why did you decide to test the system? - I don't know.
- Why'd you need to test at a high count? - I don't know.
If you found a system error, how are we gonna fix it?
I'm not sure.
Look into your soul and ask yourself this: Why test the computer at such limits,
with so few days left to fix a problem if you found one?
- I was just double-checking. - Do you want to destroy this company?
Because that's what you may do. The ramifications.
Do you wanna put over 1,000 employees out of work?
Do you?
- But the election will be a fraud. - Here. The people were voting.
The democratic process has worked. The only sour note:
They won't end up with the person they voted for to be president.
But we can celebrate the process, the democratic process we hold so dear,
will have worked efficiently. Effectively. Everybody's gonna be satisfied,
unless somebody discloses, indiscriminately, willy-nilly.
In which case, it'll appear that democracy's in the shithouse,
and by tomorrow, Delacroy will be nonexistent.
- Was that your motive? - No.
America votes. A leader is chosen.
But one thing can disturb this beatific vision.
I just wanna be truthful.
Perception of legitimacy's more important than legitimacy itself.
That's the greater truth. Don't fuck with our democracy.
Don't undermine our way of life.
What's at the heart and soul of every American?
They believe that their vote counts. You want to tell them that's not true?
But the results of the election will be wrong.
- One candidate will win because of error. - He will?
- How do we know that? - I'm telling you.
Based on what? Guessing. This is your project, Eleanor.
If you wanna tinker with it, for future elections, I encourage you.
The Delacroy Voting System is your baby. You're a perfectionist. I support you.
You wanna make it more perfect. But do it alone.
And with an eye to the future, because it's the future that interests us.
Now is the past.
As I understand it, there's no problem.
And?
And...
- They seem to like this guy Dobbs. - Oh, Danny, please.
- This is all part of the same error? - Yes.
I'm going home.
Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program,
- I'll tell you that. - What does my legal counsel suggest then?
I'm gonna make a phone call.
There was research done a year ago
saying more and more people are getting their political news from Leno,
Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher
more than from newspapers and actual news programs.
There you go. My thoughts exactly.
You're kidding me? Oh, come on!
It should be on the news any minute.
It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina.
What? And Indiana?
You're sure?
Oh, this is so insane. Insanity. It's sweet insanity!
And Indiana goes to Dobbs.
It's just been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.
If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.
Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.
So, New York wants a comedian as president of the United States.
Comedian Tom Dobbs declared winner..- Another big win for Tom Dobbs...
With 99 percent of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.
The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.
According to my calculations,
comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now.
He's got them.
There are five states to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13.
And it's possible, if he takes all five states,
that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.
I believe my figures are correct, but it's a possibility.
Not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.
This is the happiest night of my life.
And I can't stay awake.
Our exit polls have only, in some cases, proven accurate.
Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices close to the vest.
Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers,
but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.
In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills
in every state where they've been going one-on-one.
Legislative debates help third-party candidates,
and it really, really helped Dobbs a lot.
If you remember in '92, we all thought
Perot going into the debates would end up...
They are still confident of an election victory.
Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.
Now, right after the debate, there was a mixed reaction,
but what we've seen since is the public sees him as a candidate for change.
And he has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers tonight.
We are now going to go live back to Election Central,
where Chris Matthews is standing by-
- Chris? - Hold on to your hats, folks.
Tom Dobbs has gotten 275 electoral votes.
Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next president of the United States.
At 1:23 East Coast time,
comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected president of the United States.
The free world will now be led by a comedian.
Mr. President. Donald Tilson, Secret Service.
I'll be taking over.
You don't find this a little bit absurd?
Thanks for your honesty.
Always been a big fan of your work, sir.
Jack, you're the manager of the president of the United States.
Comedy Store to the White House.
We've got to look into the issue of computer fraud.
We've had problems in other states.
Florida, Ohio, elsewhere,
where it's not only questions of malfunction but questions of legitimacy.
Are these computers hackable?
Everyone knows there isn't a paper trail.
It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up.
Congress knew that-
Face it, the reality is a comedian was elected president of the United States.
Case closed, end of discussion-
Have you given any thought to the make-up of your cabinet?
I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked,
but I'm hoping for, maybe, a dark walnut with a nice veneer.
What was your vice president's response?
Shocked as the rest of us.
"Guess I'll clear my calendar for the next four years."
- Can we get back to the cabinet? - Certainly.
It will be diverse including Republicans, Democrats and people of no affiliation.
I want diversity. I believe democracy is a collision of ideas.
I'm not of the school that if you're not for us, you're against us.
That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.
May not accomplish more, but fun to think about what they do behind closed doors.
Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington. Wish us luck.
It'll be an adventure and you're all part of it.
- Hello? - Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.
If you paid more attention instead of daydreaming.
Sorry. Give me a cappuccino, please.
Sure.
Angus. Cappuccino.
- Can't you see he's busy getting mine? - I was giving him my order.
- It's not a big deal. - It's really not.
Apparently it is, because this is taking forever.
- It's forever. - Hold your horses.
- Angus, do you have those cookies I like? - Can you just let me get my cappuccino?
Okay.
Didn't realize you were such a bitch.
Anytime this millennium would be terrific.
Thanks.
- Cappuccino? - Yes. Thanks.
Oh... ow...
Shit.
Shit. Shit.
- Let me give you a hand. - I got it.
- Let me take care of it. - I got it. I got it!
- It's no... - I got it!
- I got it. - Okay.
I got it. I got it. I got it.
- Who stole my purse? - Ellie.
Ellie, it's right here.
Did you empty out my purse?
Did you touch my things?
- No. - You touched my things.
I can't believe you touched my things.
- Ellie, I didn't... - You touched my things.
What's wrong with you?
He went through my things!
Damn it.
I made a mess.
I've made a mess.
I've made such a mess.
I've made such a mess, but it's my mess.
- And I'm gonna clean it up. - Okay.
I'm gonna clean up my mess.
Mess. And I'll clean it up.
It's my mess... my mess...
Ellie, do you want me to get some help?
- My mess. - Can someone call 911?
We have a deadline in terms of appointments.
There are 8,000 slots to be filled, 1,500 require Senate confirmation.
- Do we know that many incompetent people? - Well, in L.A., maybe.
Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.
We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions, or float some possible choices.
Off the top of my head, Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.
- Joke. - Little one. Little joke.
Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys. I do care.
- Hope this works. - Oh, it'll work.
I think.
Thank you. Sorry I'm late. My horse pulled up lame.
Thank you. Nice tie.
President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress
and brought down the House with laughter.
As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress left their offices
to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand-
That reception was extraordinary.
I will try and be brief. I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.
It should be duly noted, chairman,
that this is not a scheduled visit. It's not on the docket. It's not official.
So, no rules have been violated, it's just our little secret
between you, me and the world media.
I also have some disturbing news.
I took a poll, and one-third of Congress thought this was the present fashion.
Other third thought I looked like Barbara Bush...
I'm looking at the toxicology report. It's overwhelming.
She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin.
Historians have written that our founding fathers
were brilliant and courageous men,
but they sometimes made difficult decisions,
sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.
What will they think about us 200 years from now? About this Congress?
Will they say that you're brave and brilliant? Courageous?
Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?
We have a lot to live up to.
I think we can do it.
I know we can do it.
You can't just say it didn't happen.
I want to deal with the problems.
When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?
I'm even afraid of Nyquil.
I got a promotion.
- They're sending me to Ireland. - Oh, Danny.
- What? - They're just trying to pay you off.
They don't want you talking about the computer problems.
Got to let people know the election's a fraud.
- Do you think anybody will believe you? - Sure. Why not?
Because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you're on drugs?
- I don't do drugs. - Cocaine?
I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't.
Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?
There's problems.
Education, healthcare,
inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues.
That's what's before us.
- He will. - Our legacy will be...
Turn left.
Okay.
- Talk to me, baby, talk to me. - Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.
Okay.
FBI. FBI.
FBI.
I am now the manager of the president-elect of the United States.
Fifteen percent of the president's salary is nothing to what Dobbs normally makes.
This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make since
I am now the first show-business manager ever to handle a president.
♪ The way you wear your hat ♪
♪ The way you sip your tea ♪
♪ The memory of all that... ♪
Oh, I wish I could walk.
Oh, man.
Happy birthday, Mr. Menken.
Eleanor Green, FBI.
Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.
- Everything all right? - Oh, just fine.
Just fine.
I'm just here just making sure everything's secured.
I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry.
No, you have to.
- Anyway, happy birthday again. - Again? Did another year just pass?
I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.
- Except how to be funny. - I can see that.
A put-down from the FBI.
- No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it... - Come on now, please.
He's annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition.
- You wanna dance? - I don't dance.
They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?
J. Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer.
Fat, but light on his feet.
Could we just talk and not move?
Sure.
What do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?
- It's that apparent? - Yeah.
You're not concerned? Me crashing the party?
Please. I've played in clubs for years.
Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses,
one of which is my ex-wife.
I have an eye for that and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.
Good.
- That's good. - Yeah.
Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were okay.
- Too fast? - No, I'm fine.
- No... - So, what do you really do?
Um...
Well, I did work for Delacroy Voting Systems.
But they had... cutbacks.
I... Laid off.
Laid off? I thought they were making big bucks. That's weird.
Well, it was a small cutback, actually.
It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me.
Oh, so would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?
Well, if you wanna be picky.
- Oh, picky. - With words, then yes.
Then I guess "fired."
"Fired" would be it.
May I ask why?
- Oh, none of my business. - It is.
You're having such a good time. I don't wanna spoil it.
- You have to do the birthday toast now. - I'll be right there. Yeah.
Listen. We're staffing up right now and...
- Staffing up? - Yeah.
Tom, 60 seconds, okay?
- Staffing up? No, that's not what I meant. - Okay.
- That's not why I'm here. - That's all right.
This is my personal cell.
And, you know, if you need anything, you call. Okay?
Yeah! Yes, indeed!
To Jack Menken, a man who once said:
"If Mama Cass shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they'd be alive."
I... I'm sorry.
He's so sensitive, someone once asked, "What do you think of gay marriage?"
He said, "Gays have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."
To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.
- A great manager. - A great manager.
- Made you a star. - Mm-hm.
Made you the president, and by doing so has put me out of work.
- God love him. - God bless Jack Menken!
♪ Well, my heart knows me better Than I know myself ♪
♪ So I'm gonna let it do all the talking ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪
♪ I came across a place In the middle of nowhere ♪
♪ With a big black horse and a cherry tree ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo ♪
♪ But I said Big black horse and a cherry tree ♪
♪ I can't quite get there 'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪
♪ Big black horse and a cherry tree ♪
♪ I can't quite get there 'Cause my heart forsaken me ♪
- Danny, hi. - Hey. Where the hell are you?
Are you alone? This is your cell phone?
- Yeah, why? What's going on? - Paranoid, I guess.
I got a chance to meet him. Dobbs.
You didn't tell him, did you? I mean...
No, but he should know, don't you think?
Let it go. Just put it behind you.
Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.
Is anyone figuring out what happened with the system?
I don't know. It's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.
They'd go through the private channels for that sort of thing.
Ellie?
Good night, Danny.
James Hemmings' office. Is Mr. Hemmings in?
- This is Tom Dobbs. - Just a minute.
Mm-hm?
It's a Tom Dobbs.
Is that the Tom Dobbs, president-elect Dobbs?
- Well, did you ask? - No.
I was too embarrassed to.
All right.
James Hemmings.
James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect.
Ah, yes, sir. Yeah, of course.
I know this is a little out of the ordinary,
but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?
Uh, yeah. Um, is something wrong?
I need some information.
Strictly confidential. Just between you and me.
I mean, well, where do I begin?
I know that she was fired by Delacroy.
Look, I'm a little confused. Is she, uh...?
- Is she applying for a job with you? - No.
Did you meet with her personally?
That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee and she was fired.
Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?
Add what?
Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem?
- She had a breakdown and was hospitalized. - No, she didn't mention that.
Yeah, I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.
Weird. She doesn't seem like the type.
Do you know how I might reach her?
- I guess we both have a problem. - Yeah, yeah.
If I hear anything, I'll contact you.
Delacroy completed a deal with the European Common Market
which will invest in their computer voting system.
With this announcement, Delacroy stock has jumped 37 percent on the big board.
Whoo! Come on!
S.
- Yeah, there are two of them. - All right.
- Nine-hundred. - N.
Yeah, two N's- That'll get you on the board with $1,800.
- Eight-hundred. - I?
Yeah, there are two of them. You have almost $3,000-
I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I.
Well, there are two I's.
- It's a good time to find a letter or two. - M.
Or three. Yes.
Double G's before double I's.
Double B's before double G's.
Yes! Yes!
Double G's before double I's.
Double B's before double G's.
It's alphabetical.
You mean to tell me we didn't shut down her access
- when we let her go? - Evidently not.
- That's smart. - Her ID's showing up in the log.
She's been in the mainframe, around the code depository.
- Do we know where she is? - Not yet, but we will.
- What's the matter? - You know. I'm unhappy.
You're unhappy about what?
- What do you think I'm unhappy about? - You agreed to play the turkey.
I never agreed.
It's not a big deal. All you do is cluck.
First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, okay?
If it's not a big deal, you be the turkey.
- You want me to be the turkey? - Come on.
- You want me to be the turkey? - Yeah.
Tom here.
Hi- TOM: Eleanor, is that you?
- Yes. - How do you turn the music down?
We're having a post-Thanksgiving outing. Can I pick you up?
An outing? No, I had something I had to tell you.
Good, good. Give me an address-
Eleanor, we're going paintballing.
I brought you camouflage and thermals, it's gonna be cold.
Follow me, men.
- What? - Cold.
I can't believe it.
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Are you all right? - No!
- I'm out. - Well, thank God.
I'm out of ammo!
The president-elect's just been shot.
He's dead. Let's go round them up.
What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh?
Killing your friends?
That's all the exercise I'm ever gonna need.
- Did that hurt? - Yeah. Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
- Tom, could I talk to you for a minute? - Sure.
We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.
- Do they have listening devices? - They can't hear.
They hear each other, but not us.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Because I haven't been...
I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.
Maybe "forthright"... God.
"Forthright" isn't the word I'm looking for.
Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me
especially now that I know you.
I mean, okay, I don't know you. I mean, I know you...
I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, but I don't really know you...
You got a lot of setup here. You don't need that much.
It's too much of a lead-in. Just the punch line.
- You're gonna be president. - Yeah.
- Maybe that's not so bad. - I hope.
Oh, God. I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard.
- Yeah. - And I cared. I cared so much.
- I am so full of guilt. - I can make this a lot easier for you.
What do you mean? How?
- Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy. - What?
Well, I wanted to find you. I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.
I wanted to see you.
- You did? - Mm-hm.
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
Wow.
God. That's good.
- Well, good, not so good. - No, it's good.
He told me about your drug problem and...
Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem.
- It's all right. - Tom, I do not have a drug problem.
Hey, Tom, I hate to interrupt, but the Secret Service wants you out by dark.
By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.
I didn't tell him. He's making a joke.
We'll talk about it later. Honestly, it's okay.
- There's no drug problem. - That's all I need to know.
- There's a lot to discuss here. - Yeah. I think...
That doesn't look clear to me. Another 30 minutes?
- Yeah, maybe. - The wing is...
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
We may have a problem here.
I like it crispy.
- I like a nice crunchy skin. - I know, Menken.
- I just wanna be heard. - You've been heard.
- I've produced a lot of turkeys. - Yes, you have.
Look at this old C-SPAN. Congress is in session and no one's there.
Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a bill. Place is empty.
How do you get people in their seats?
- They have things to do. - Like?
Like, they've got lobbyists to deal with. Trips the lobbyists have sent them on.
They've got to go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing
while they're not there.
This makes golf look like porn.
Shouldn't you be giving that up?
Did you know there were once ads
that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?
Come on. You're kidding me.
- Doctors used to recommend cigarettes? - Said they were good for you.
There was one slogan before my time:
"Not a cough in the carload."
It's a little too late now.
I'm sorry.
You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?
Unfortunately, I do.
I see that.
Pass the cranberry sauce please.
Thank you.
I have to talk to you in private.
- Now? - Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks.
You've got a great group.
- Ellie, whatever your problem is... - What? You can fix my problem?
Is this the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?
- Just Tom Dobbs. - Good.
Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected president.
There. I've said it. Kill me.
It's true.
There was a problem with the computer voting system.
It's that error that's made you the next president of the United States.
- I didn't win? - Not even close.
- What do you want me to do? - I don't know.
I've been living with this. I just had to tell you.
- Do you want to go public? - I can't.
I could, but nobody would believe me. Not anymore.
But somebody has to know. Somebody. At least you.
I mean, I don't know. Look, I don't know.
Maybe it is best that you're the next president
even if they didn't vote for you.
Out of curiosity...
- did you vote for me? - No.
I don't vote. To be honest with you, I don't vote.
Politicians will say anything to get elected. Maybe I'm jaded.
I didn't think you had a chance.
I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.
I've gotta talk this over with Menken. Come on, I want you with me.
- No, I can't. - Why not?
- Tom, I can't! - Why?
I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Is something wrong?
You guys have a fight?
She knows a lot about computers. More than you ever wanna know, really.
Should I be impressed?
It's improbable, me winning the election.
Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction
is that fiction needs to be credible."
We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.
She just told me I didn't win the election.
Whoops.
Computer malfunction.
- She knows this for sure? - Yeah.
She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it. Bad for business.
- You don't believe her, do you? - I do. It's true.
I always thought the Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?
It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG.
I never met anybody who'd say, "Did you see JAG last night?"
Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.
- She knows what she's talking about. - That's debatable.
So, what's she gonna do?
Nothing. She left it up to me.
Leaving it to you. Delacroy's not gonna say anything.
She's not gonna say anything, so...
- um, there's no problem. - No problem?
- We move on. - Oh, like nothing happened?
- Something like that. - If you tell a joke
and it stinks but you put a laugh track, the joke still stinks.
I'm president, but not really.
This is where we are.
You wanna throw it away or go for it?
I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised, but to me
this decision is a slam dunk.
Yeah.
Tom?
Eleanor, tomorrow at 11:00, I'm gonna have a press conference
and tell the people I'm not the legitimate president of the United States.
I'm so sorry.
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?
- Danny, I told him. - Why did you tell him?
Gah... I had to. And now I hate myself.
Does he believe you?
He's calling a press conference tomorrow at 11.
- He's gonna make the whole thing known. - Oh, shit. Look what you did.
I wish I hadn't told him.
I mean, I know I did the right thing. It was the right thing to do.
And yet... And yet...
Maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?
I mean, did I do the right thing or the wrong thing?
I know it's the right thing, and then why do I feel like this?
We've got to preempt his press conference.
And very early tomorrow morning.
- Press conference set up? - Yeah. What the hell's going on?
Jack? Jack?
A reporter says Delacroy's going to make an announcement.
Some story to do with Eleanor Green.
This is what we got going on today.
The Witches of November. A winter storm from the Great Lakes.
That's going to spread one to three inches of snow across D. C.
I don't think there's more than that, not a lot of moisture.
It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's gonna move up quickly...
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news.
We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.
Uh, recently, Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,
who was suffering severe psychological problems.
We made an effort to get her medical help
and discovered she was involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.
We would have kept this private, but additional facts have come to light.
We have evidence Miss Green manipulated the prototype of our computer voting system.
- Tom here. - Turn on the television.
- What channel? - Any channel.
Her motives aren't quite clear to us.
Apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs
to the degree that she tried to corrupt the system to get him elected.
We also know the president-elect has been seen in her presence recently.
But let me make this very clear, we're not suggesting
there was any impropriety on behalf of the president-elect,
other than the fact that he knows this woman.
Pull over.
We are a family at Delacroy.
We have an extensive health care program
and lots of people have
psychological problems, mental problems, health problems.
It's not something you should sweep under the rug,
you gotta talk about it.
We believe that strongly
and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible
and to give help.
The good news is all the computer voting systems installed in polling stations
throughout the United States remain secure.
Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election
and our safeguards prove to be impenetrable.
That's all the information we have at this time.
Uh, I'll take any questions now, if you got them. Yes?
Take a look at this. Take a look at this.
Perfect, just perfect.
She's a piece of work, huh?
Flipped out in the company cafeteria on all sorts of drugs,
clearly a mental case.
Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.
I believe her.
- She didn't seem that crazy to me. - You're in love with her.
She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her.
Take a look at this. Take a look.
If what she says is true, I'm not the president-elect.
"If" is becoming a very large word.
The first time we met her she said she was working for the FBI.
She knew about the computer fraud but takes three weeks to tell you?
"By the way, you're not the president and Happy Thanksgiving."
If she's not psychotic, she's a stalker. If she's not a stalker, she's CIA.
- Or maybe she's a succubus. - What's that?
A succubus is a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.
I was once a healthy man.
What are you talking about? Please, stop.
Don't get off track.
Can I get change? My dollar won't work in your machine.
You're that Ms. Green from the television.
I wasn't sure because you always pay cash.
- Did your uncle get a hold of you? - What?
He was trying to call your room. He couldn't get through.
Either way, that machine doesn't work.
Yes, sir.
I'm in her hotel now.
I think she may have figured out the glitch.
Bring it back, bring her back.
I want constant updates.
Yes, sir. When I find her, I know what to do.
If she's figured out this computer glitch...
and goes with that to the press, we're screwed.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Mr. President, we have that luncheon speech
followed by a meet-and-greet.
- What do I do? - Go be presidential.
Speech today give us any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?
Jack, I've been trying to call her, I can't reach her.
You have a busy schedule- Keep your head in that.
Oh, that's terrific. Hey, Saturday Night Live
wants a "Weekend Update."
- Did I head Saturday Night Live? - Yeah.
- Do it. - Why?
It's a great opportunity. You were blinded by love,
you didn't know she was popping pills.
It isn't like you were on some side street getting head like Hugh what's-his-name.
You're so sensitive.
Okay, I'll do it.
- He'll do it. - Yeah.
I'll call you later for details.
It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've gathered,
we are very pleased to have a most honored guest with us...
I wrote down some lines for you. They're fantastic, if I must say.
- I even threw in a Hitler joke. - How's that supposed to work?
You'll see.
Tom Dobbs.
Knock them dead.
Thank you very much.
I guess...
we should get this over with at the beginning because, uh...
we've all heard there's a bit of a rumor going around.
So I'll share the big scoop with you because, uh, Oprah was booked.
I'm not even president yet
and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.
I did not have sex with that woman.
I wanted to.
I'm single.
And, uh, you've elected a man as president who is probably...
the unluckiest man in the world in that area.
In high school, most of my dates were with myself.
I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home,
put on music that I liked...
have my way with myself and then go...
"Should I drive myself home now?"
The bottom line, if I was in Italy I might get lucky.
They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.
Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters.
And incredible downloads.
I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy...
we can have a certain sense of humor about ourselves. We have to.
You're allowed to make fun of those in power.
But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy.
These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler,
they waited in an alleyway. They were supposed to kill Hitler at 12:30.
They're there with guns, bombs, knives. Twelve-thirty, no Hitler.
Twelve forty-five, no Hitler.
One o'clock, no Hitler.
Finally, one turns to the other and goes, "I hope nothing happened to him."
It's good to see us back again. The fact that we could laugh is wonderful.
The last few years we've been divided, though.
Red states, blue states.
There are no red states and blue states. Only the United States.
That's what we're about.
That's why I say you can't spend $200 million on a campaign
and not be owing people something.
Next, they have to deal with the special interest,
they're doing special favors
for special people, not dealing with what you need.
Education, healthcare, environmental issues.
They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies.
Drug companies.
And they owe them.
And in the process, people get neglected.
The poor have no advocate because the poor can't afford a lobbyist.
The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor."
Not, "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed."
I worked out your bit with SNL, they really liked it.
- Has Eleanor called yet? - No.
- She hasn't called me, either. - You never know with females.
I had an ex who used to do enough tranquilizers
- to put a flock of sheep to sleep. - Why?
So she said it made the sex with me more bearable.
- Eleanor didn't do drugs. - Oh, no.
And ball players don't do steroids, they just wake up one day
looking like Mack trucks.
Pump a little iron, you'll look like a HUMVEE.
With little tiny balls.
Remember, this is a meet-and-greet and nothing more.
The house is so close to the street.
Whoa! Boy, that's a desk.
I mean, wow.
I've never really sat behind a desk before.
I mean, the one on the show is just a prop, but this...
Where do you do your writing?
Usually on the back of a napkin sitting in a bar.
Well, there's a lot of history to this desk.
The first time I sat behind it I had a sort of nervous chill.
Some of the greats and not-so-greats have sat here.
Please.
Thank you.
Excuse me, Mr. President.
- Hello? - Tom. Tom.
Eleanor, uh, hold on.
Mr. President, I'll just be a minute.
Thank you.
Tom. Two guys broke into my hotel room.
- I don't know what to do. - Who are they?
They're connected with Delacroy. They know I broke the code.
Code? What code?
I figured out what caused the glitch.
- Where are you now? - I'm in a shopping mall.
Shopping?
No, I'm not shopping.
- Why are you there? - I didn't know what to do.
This was safer.
Mr. President-elect, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule.
Listen, Eleanor, I'm with the president.
What?
Uh, I'm with the president
- in the Oval Office. - With the president?
You're in the Oval Office?
Well, look, Tom, I just don't know what to do. I'm...
Hello?
Hello? Tom? Hello? Hello?
He...
Sorry, sir.
Wow!
It's been a pleasure. Thank you.
By the way, Mr. Dobbs, I never thought you had a chance.
I underestimated you.
Just between you and me, Mr. President, you didn't underestimate me at all.
Really? Why?
Oh, but that's so weird.
I never said anything to him.
No, he said stuff to me.
Oh, like, what am I gonna say back? But... Hold on a sec.
Hi, sorry to interrupt. I need a charger for this cell phone.
For my cigarette lighter.
We don't stock that anymore.
- How long have you had that phone? - Well, it's...
It's not a relic. It's a year old.
There's a problem, it's a year old.
Mr. Stewart would like to see you at Delacroy.
- Why does he want to see me? - He just wants to talk to you.
Reasonable people can come to reasonable solutions.
You figured out the glitch, you should be paid for your work.
The Delacroy jet is waiting at the private air terminal. I got her.
Get in.
Shit!
Yeah.
I'm tracking her on her GPS.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
I'll pick her up, bring her to the airport.
I just got off with the FBI.
They'll confirm you had no contact with Eleanor prior to the election.
That gets you off the hook in any attempt to fix the election.
Gotta get you to the airport earlier.
There's a storm moving in.
Oh, for God's sake.
Well, after your Saturday Night Live tonight...
then I'm gonna be, uh... heading on.
Why so soon?
Menken thinks it's for the best. No sense postponing the inevitable.
Will you be disappointed to go back to TV?
God, no. I have a glorious love/hate relationship with TV.
- How so? - TV scares me.
- It makes everything seem credible. - Why's that so bad?
If everything seems credible, then nothing seems credible.
You know, TV puts everybody in those boxes, side by side.
On one side, there's the certifiable lunatic who says
the Holocaust never happened.
And next to him is this noted honored historian
who knows all about the Holocaust.
And now, there they sit.
Side by side. They look like equals. Everything they say seems to be credible.
And so, as it goes on, nothing seems credible anymore.
We just stop listening.
In the Times, 60 percent of voters would've voted for Dobbs
- if they could have. - Yeah. He sounds different.
That's why they can hear him.
- Hello? - My phone died and some guy's after me.
- I thought two guys were after you. - No, this is someone else.
- Who? - I assume that he's from Delacroy.
He has a pick-up truck.
Eleanor I... I think you need help.
He... He tried to abduct me from the mall.
From the mall?
- Okay. - Look, I... I think it has to do
with the fact that I figured everything out.
She's in a phone booth of route 173.
You see, Mills and Kellogg both have double I's.
But Kellogg trumps him with double G's
- and you trump him with double B's. - I don't know what that means.
Listen... where are you?
I don't know. I don't know where I am.
It's dark, there's a factory. I see a Christmas tree.
I don't know where I am.
- What do you want me to do, sir? - I'm willing to offer big money...
and she's running away now?
Why is she running away?
She's impossible- I don't know who she's talking to,
- I don't know what she's saying. - Go to the airport...
and go to BWI private terminal.
There's a plane there.
I'll take you to New York,
- and we'll solve your problem. - Private terminal at the airport?
I don't know how to get to the airport.
All right, I'll try. I'll try and get there. I'll look at my GPS.
Hello?
Eleanor?
Breaking news. We do know there has been a very serious traffic accident.
It is tying up traffic out on the Baltimore Washington parkway
where it meets route 495. And that is the Capital Beltway.
There has been one serious injury.
We have been talking to police, they have identified the injured woman
as an Eleanor Green.
- Oh, my God. - Yes, if that name sounds familiar,
- it is the same Eleanor Green... - Menken. You have to see this.
We just got a report of an accident. It's Eleanor Green.
Not now, please.
Excuse me.
- Are you with the ambulance? - Yes, sir.
- Eleanor Green? - She's stable.
Thank you.
Not now.
Mr. President.
Oh, shit.
Why does he have to get himself into this mess?
Kid driving the truck is from Pittsburg.
Apparently lost control on the ice, went right off the road.
- We've gotta get to Saturday Night Live. - There's time.
Double B... double L...
double G. Double B... double L...
double G.
Double B...
double L... double G.
Double L...
double G.
Trying to discredit her.
She's not psychotic, okay?
I believe her. Look what they did.
Last night you were willing to give it up. Now you wanna do it again.
Listen.
Police said a truck went out of control.
- She was trying to tell me. - It was snowing.
She said she knew what the computer glitch was.
The way she is now, it'll be a couple days before we can find out.
Where's the proof? Some proof.
Give me something. Something to justify what she's saying.
We don't have time to keep playing this game.
She was trying to explain it to me.
She kept saying, "Double B, double G, double L."
I don't know what it means.
Whatever happened, we're never gonna know.
One thing remains true, you're the president.
You're either getting on that plane or not.
Tom, come January 20th, the White House is yours.
Nothing can change that.
No one can.
Except you.
You coming?
From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center,
it's Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Hi, I'm Amy Poehler.
I'm Tina Fey and here are tonight's top stories.
A Malaysian man famous for pulling planes and buses
with his hair died this week of heart complications.
Tragically, he would still be alive,
but he insisted on pulling his own ambulance.
A German filmmaker is planning to make a comedy about Hitler.
Hey, I went through the cue cards and I'm telling you, you're gonna kill.
It's gonna work like a charm. Don't worry about a thing.
You do a couple Eleanor Green jokes
and we get this stuff way behind you.
- All right. - You can go on and be, uh, president.
Forensic scientists say they have recreated George Washington
as he looked at age 19,
while Tom Dobbs has recreated how Thomas Jefferson
would've looked if he were crazy.
When the source is identified, Tom Dobbs will sleep with it.
A report suggests that more species of birds mate for life
than previously believed, while other species only mate for votes.
This week, Tom Dobbs met with his presidential transition team,
who briefed him on the day-to-day activities of the Oval Office.
However, Dobbs became upset when he learned that Monday
would no longer be reruns.
- I heard that. - Uh-oh, who said that?
- Do we have a special guest? - What?
- Welcome. You know my wife. - Hello.
President-elect, Tom Dobbs.
In the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by. I always wanted to say that.
Sounds like Bob Hope. "Thought I'd drop by."
Thank you for coming. Make yourself comfortable.
Lovely. Thank you.
Wow, listen, we all saw you in Congress
in that outfit the other day. That was quite flattering.
Those wigs, it's kind of nice. I love the...
The buckled shoe, though. It's part pimp, part pilgrim.
You can either get off the Mayflower or have four girls in a Cadillac.
- They love him. - Yeah.
- It's working like a charm. - I'm thinking... This is just out loud...
I should go with some Manolo Blanco, to give you that little:
- To lift the ass. - Lift the ass.
Next time, I want to go stilettoes, something crazy.
Manolo.
Now, I'm pleased the FBI cleared any suspicion
that you knew Eleanor Green before the election.
- Not at all, no. - Good.
So, that absolves you of any conspiratorial thing
- that you fixed the election. - Right.
What do you make of her obsession with you?
Well, Tina, I have just one question for you:
Is this a face a woman would be obsessed with?
- Well... - Well, by your pause, I understand.
Because I think a woman can be obsessed
with a movie star like Brad Pitt. Hello.
And, uh, you could say Angelina. I could be obsessed with Angelina.
I just wanna wet her lips and just stick her to something.
Also, you could say obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars.
Women rushing the stage, fainting for Elvis, for The Beatles,
for Mick Jagger, to say, "This is your baby."
But women don't rush the stage for comedians.
They basically, if they throw their panties on stage
it's because they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday.
I... I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once, but...
Because I thought she needed a pair.
God bless.
I thought you were gonna say you threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck.
- That's a good re-write. Whoa! - Whoa! Good night, good luck.
That's from our new book, One Night in Paris.
But for me, here's the basic thing.
I mean, how plausible is it that a woman would fix an election
because she's obsessed with me? Where's the hanging chad?
Where's the governor being your brother?
Where's the ruling against the voter?
Come on, where's the conspiracy in that? None, really.
Here's the real question:
It's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer?
What is the real answer?
- Thank you for picking that one up. - Where's he going with this?
The bottom line is Eleanor Green came to me and told me
that there was a computer glitch in the Delacroy computer voting system.
She warned the chief executive of Delacroy, James Hemmings,
but they decided to cover it up for economic reasons.
It's not good for the stock offering, really.
The truth is... I'm not the elected president of the United States.
Bottom line is, it was a computer error. Not fraud...
but a faulty program.
HAL decided it liked me.
Today I was in the Oval Office on a preparatory meeting
and I sat behind the president's desk
and I had a reality check. It overwhelmed me.
I sat there and went, "Wait a minute. I'm a jester.
A jester doesn't rule the kingdom, he makes fun of the king."
And for a brief moment, I thought, you know,
"I could be the president."
I thought I was president till Eleanor talked to me.
It's, uh... I know. We're not on book anymore
and the cue-card guy is going:
We just usually do fake news and jokes.
We don't usually have real news and...
non-jokes.
So, watch out, Oprah.
Because we're gonna go real, girl.
Here's the deal. A lot of you voted for me, or at least some of you.
Yeah, thank you.
And I know you voted for me because you were fed up
with the status quo.
But you were voting for change for the sake of change.
You know, listen...
you could vote for someone better. You can do better.
You can do better than the politicians you've elected recently,
and definitely... don't put your faith in a machine that has less controls
than a Vegas slot machine.
You don't want to be a part of the reelection?
Oh, no, no. Please. No, no. That's not a stage I belong on.
This is where I belong, with folks like you,
finding the "funk" in dysfunctional.
Mark Twain said irreverence is the champion of liberty,
if not its only defender. That's what we're there...
We're there to kind of shake it up, and that's what we've gotta do.
How many of you think the educational system is working?
Whoo-hoo!
One girl. Thank you.
"I learn to read."
You realize 40 percent of American high-school graduates think
Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?
So, Tom Dobbs walked away from being the president of the United States.
Okay, so, he wasn't really elected, but...
if he hadn't told anyone...
We gonna send some shout-out right now.
Shortly thereafter, Tom went back to his political comedy show.
I'm gonna get on the desk like Tom Cruise going, "I love her!"
He was bigger than ever.
Everyone's gonna be writing about how honest you are,
how straightforward.
I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.
I wanna do a show about gay farmers, call it Cropsuckers. Offensive?
Not for me.
♪ The night was long and lonely ♪
♪ It was dark and cold ♪
Nothing but the best.
♪ The season's chill sure took hold ♪
♪ When the planet turns Then a change will come... ♪♪
Yeah?
Hey.
Hi.
Like some company?
I left the night light on.
Eleanor became his producer...
and close companion.
Lover. Later his wife.
The two Delacroy executives were arrested and later convicted
because Eleanor's theories on the computer glitch
proved to be correct.
For those of you thinking of getting breast implants,
there's something new I want you to try.
A lot of people get the large ones. Lovely.
Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.
I think that's about the same. We're easily amused. We'll be:
That's what it is for us. We're like cats.
Remember the best birth control, ladies.
The best birth control and the cheapest is simply this:
As for President Kellogg, he won against Mills in the reelection...
and in his second term was better than any of us expected.
Not great, but better.
Maybe Tom Dobbs had something to do with it. Who knows?
But I like to think that...
one thing does lead to another.
I'll remember this, ladies and gentlemen. It's an old phrase,
basically anonymous, but politicians are a lot like diapers.
They should be changed frequently and for the same reason.
Keep that in mind next time you vote. Good night.