(light orchestral music)
(traffic passing)
(siren wailing)
(light piano music)
♪ Men walked these city streets ♪
♪ Like music on a sheet ♪
♪ With buildings like chords ♪
♪ How the melody soared ♪
♪ Before we lost the beat ♪
♪ A series of tired rhymes ♪
♪ Clinging to father time ♪
♪ Statues tinted with rust ♪
♪ Aching, covered in dust ♪
♪ But there's just enough ♪
♪ Left to shine ♪
♪ We still have a song to sing ♪
♪ It has seen much better days ♪
♪ But we cling to ♪
♪ The story and its former glory, yes ♪
♪ There's still a song to sing ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
(train horn blowing)
♪ With you ♪
- You don't look like your picture.
- The lighting's different out here.
(chuckling)
- So, how does this work?
- 20 to see it, 50 to touch.
- 50?
- That's what I said.
- Oh, please, please.
I wanna touch it.
- Fine, fine.
Ah, ah, ah.
I wanna see it first.
- Why?
- To make sure it's real.
- Believe me, it's real.
- [Grant] Like your headshot was real?
- Ooh, burn.
(hisses)
- Back at my place.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Oh, sorry, I messed up your...
(sighing)
- Stand back.
(light orchestral music)
- [Man] Oh!
(singers vocalizing)
- Good enough?
- "For excellence in theater."
Oh, I watched you win this on TV.
It's like looking into the eyes of God.
- What do you say, $500?
- What, to buy it?
- Oooh, really?
Oh, Grant, you are so sweet!
- I'm negotiating!
Quiet.
- He wants me to be quiet.
- It's not for sale.
(scoffs)
- 1,000.
(squealing)
Shh.
Jack, you obviously need the money.
And I need an anniversary gift for my husband.
- Oh, you remembered.
- How could I forget?
Why don't you say we help each other out, hmm?
- Two grand.
- That's $2,000.
- [Grant] He knows what it is.
And two grand.
(light orchestral music)
- I feel dirty.
- Yeah, well, use the money to buy some disinfectant.
You happy?
- Oh, grant, I could float home.
- That's great.
Don't ever get married.
- Yeah.
- When will we see another Cosmo production?
- [Grant] Never.
(knocking on door)
- Oh!
- Wow, jeez, that hurt.
- Told ya.
(moaning in pain)
- You know, we should wear gloves when we do this.
- I don't know.
Wearing gloves could make us look stupid.
But then this
(grunting)
wouldn't hurt so much.
Honestly, I think I chipped a knuckle.
Anyway, I'm gonna talk to my father about those gloves.
What's the matter, Jack?
You okay, man?
We're not trying to kill you or nothing.
I'm just trying to prove a point about the gloves.
- I'm alive.
- Well, good, good.
This is where you live, huh?
Ay, what do you think when you look around this apartment?
- Credit risk.
- Credit risk, exactly.
Now, you see if my father would
listen to me when we talk these things over,
I wouldn't have to chip my knuckle on your face, Jack.
- Wait, I got it.
I got a payment.
I got a payment, here.
Look, I got two.
I got two.
- You got two G's?
Tim, what's that joke about that slut
you went to high school with?
- Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
(laughing)
- That's the one.
But, Jack, two G's
is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Two G's is like three months ago.
- Just take it, I'll get you more.
And if you fine gentlemen are interested in an original
Grammy, I could cut you a deal.
(grunting)
- Now, you see, kicking doesn't hurt much at all.
From now on, I'm a kicker.
Note it.
- Noted, boss.
- Uh, Jack, you see, if it was up to me,
I will put two bullets in the back of your head.
Especially because I got this handy new silencer,
which I'm dying to try out, you know,
because I'm wondering if it's gonna
sound like the one in the movies.
(imitating silencer)
But, it's not up to me.
It's up to my father.
And my father is--
- Old-fashioned?
- Well, I was gonna say senile,
but that works, too.
You see, my father's the kinda guy
who likes to look a man in the eyes while the hired help
crashes his brain in with a brick.
It's quaint, really.
Anyway, come on, get him up.
Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I need to ask you something.
Do you know what I did before this?
- Yeah, you were a degenerate gambler.
- No, before that.
- Never crossed my mind.
- I was a director.
- Fancy that.
- And before that, I was a choreographer.
(chuckling)
- You mean like a, one of them foo-foo guys?
(all laughing)
- You know, with the--
(singing)
(grunting)
- Mike, you all right, man?
- I wasn't expecting that.
Tell you one thing, the guy is limber.
(gun cocking)
Hey, hey, put the guns down.
I got something more fun
(upbeat jazz music) (phone rings)
(phone buzzing)
- Jack?
- Sarah, Sarah, I, I don't have a lot of time.
- Oh, you're dying, again.
- I just wanted you to know that that I--
(bottle shattering)
- Hey, director, drop it.
(phone clicking)
- Oh!
- Give me another one.
(bottle shattering)
Oh!
- You gotta adjust for the wind, boss.
- No, we're going about this all wrong.
(glass shattering)
Yes!
(laughs)
Thank you, uncle Sal.
- [Man] Is he dead?
- [Mike] He's not dead.
He's damaged, but not dead.
(singing in foreign language)
- See, I don't like to get to know you.
It makes it messy.
I prefer it when you are just a number,
not a someone.
But you took it upon yourself to become a someone
with a 130 large debt!
And your bookie, that moron, my nephew,
he was stupid enough to let the debt get to that point.
You know what I done to him?
- I'm still a little nauseous from that concussion,
so if it's really gross, please don't tell me.
- I cut off his big toes.
- Oh, hell!
(chuckling)
- Don't throw up on my rug!
That's an $11,000 rug!
(swallows)
(chair whirring loudly)
I took it off a cripple who loved lap dances
in one of my clubs.
I could never figure out how the debt got so large.
He couldn't feel anything.
Sorry.
It's a sin to judge.
Anyway, after we drowned him,
I kept the chair.
You never felt so comfortable.
- That's sick.
- I have a standing policy.
For 25,000, I break your arms.
For 50,000, I break your legs.
For 100,000, I do something really awful.
But a number like yours, 130 large,
I gotta come up with something spectacular here.
- If you kill me, you'll never get your money back.
- I got plenty of money.
What I don't have is entertainment.
You're my entertainment.
What's your name?
- You said I was just a number.
- It's Cosmo, boss.
Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo?
I don't believe it.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo's running up a debt
with me for nine months and none of you morons tell me?
I can't believe it, you're Jack Cosmo.
- I'm sorry, do you know me?
- Haha.
(clapping)
(light orchestral music)
(singers voaclizing)
You're a fan?
- Am I a fan?
"I love you, Betty!
"You're the radishes in my chicken soup."
Eh?
- "Candy-colored Glasses."
I was there opening night.
I was there the night after.
I conceived my daughter listening to your soundtrack.
She's fat and has a hunchback.
I don't blame you.
- Uh, I'm, I'm glad it worked out.
- I would like to shake your hand.
Untie this man, you morons.
Your music and your words saved me at a time
when I didn't know what I wanted out of life.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And you chose this?
- I owe everything to you.
Everything.
- Well, I don't know what to say.
- You ought to sit down.
- Yeah.
- Now, I want you to know that the 130 large is paid.
Done.
I can't take money from you.
I ought to be paying you.
Gregory, give him everything you got in your pocket.
- That's not really necessary.
You, you--
Really?
- Lemon-flavored.
They started making those four years ago.
- Shocker.
Just forgiving the debt is more than enough.
- Where did you go?
I mean, it's been 10 years, right,
since the last production?
- Show business makes what you do for a living
seem like daycare.
(laughing)
You know, I'm just saying.
- That's funny.
America needs that line.
- So, I'm cleared and free to go?
- Jack Cosmo.
- I'll just grab some breakfast and go back to my place--
- Jack Cosmo!
- I'm sorry, is there something
that you're trying to tell me?
- I have in mind an idea for a show.
- Oh, god.
Damn.
Uh, why don't we get together next week?
We'll talk about it.
I'd be happy, love to hear it.
But right now, I'll just kinda--
- You see, it's about a guy.
- That's a great start.
- He's a drunk, a problem drinker.
But funny.
- Alcoholism is hysterical.
- Yeah.
Now one day, he gets bunked on the head.
He enters into this dream state
in the second act.
- Okay.
- And he finds out that he is addicted to--
- Alcohol.
- Candy.
- Candy?
- Yeah.
See candy is the metaphor for alcohol.
- Ah.
- And in the dream state, he learns about himself,
why he is an alcoholic.
- Candyholic.
- Yeah, candyholic.
And when he wakes up, he's healed.
He is no longer An alcocandyholic.
- Pretty powerful dream.
- The most powerfulest.
You know what we're gonna call it?
"How Sweet It Is"
- Like candy.
- Exactly!
- That is wonderful.
- Ya think?
- Do I think?
Guys, is this not a great idea?
- Everybody loves stories about candy.
- I love Skittles.
- I'm glad you like it.
- I do.
- Because I want you to make it.
- I'm, I'm sorry?
- Yeah, you're gonna produce, and write, and direct my show.
This is gonna be your comeback.
I'm gonna finance it myself.
- Where we gonna stage this thing?
- I just took a strip club off a woman
who couldn't pay me back the money I lent her
for her husband's penile surgery.
We got the theater, we got the money,
we got the Writer, producer, director.
And according to you, we got a really great idea.
So, Jack, what do you say?
Are you gonna help me make my dream a reality?
- Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- I would be honored.
- I am so flattered that you would trust me
with this brilliant idea of yours.
- Yeah.
- But about 10 years ago, I made a vow to myself
that I would never ever go back to the world
of musical theater, no matter how enticing
the offer, and I can't go back on my word,
Big Mike, not now, not ever.
- Well, if you don't do it, I'm gonna kill you.
- When do we start?
(light orchestral music)
- Hey.
How ya doing?
(phone ringing)
Oh, you got the second one.
There you go.
Is that the Cicero surveillance?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, guys.
Well, looks like the newbie wants to hang with the big boys.
- Hey, Barry, I thought we agreed that
there would be no shouting in the office.
(snapping fingers)
- Yeah, what do you got against newbies anyway?
You made him spill his coffee.
Need a hand with those?
- No, no, no.
I bought this for you guys.
- [Wally] Thank you.
- Yeah.
- [Wally] It's Big Mike.
- Yeah, we're not really sure what happened.
He was supposed to meet up with Agent Rogers
in the Caymans to make a deal,
but then he just suddenly called it off.
- Ben, good agent, great guy.
- Wears an ascot, kinda weird.
- Wally, judgmental.
We think it has something to do with this man, but so far,
we haven't been able to identify him.
- That's Jack Cosmo.
- Who?
- That's Jack Cosmo, the Broadway producer.
Oh, come on.
"Candy-colored Glasses,"
"Three for the Dirt Road,"
"The CMO"?
10 years ago, this guy was huge.
- So what?
10 years ago my wife didn't look like her mother.
Hey, how do you even know about this guy?
- I minored in musical theater in college.
- Really?
What did you major in, crying in the shower?
(chuckling)
- But what would Big Mike want with him?
- That I do not know.
You know, it would be helpful
if we could get somebody in that theater.
(light orchestral music)
- Is this beautiful?
There's a room over there with a cot in it.
So, here's the plan.
You'll cast it in the day time,
and you'll write it at night.
And we open in three weeks.
- Three weeks?
- Yeah, it's my birthday, the big 7-4.
- Listen, Big Mike--
- Can you think of a better birthday present for me
than your beautiful new musical?
- Hey, dad, what about the grill I gave you, huh?
- What grill?
- The grill.
You love it, you said you love it.
There's a light on the side so you can cook
at night and everything.
- I am the head of a mafia organization
with three slipped discs and a persistent smoke allergy.
How much night grilling do you think I'm gonna do?
Kids.
So, we set?
- A new musical in three weeks?
Mike, with all due respect--
(Mike laughs)
- Look over here.
This here is the stage.
Come here, come over here.
Let me show you.
This is where all our dreams are born, am I right?
And you, you're Jack Cosmo.
You're a genius.
With your words and music,
you take away all the nonsense and mundanities
of this quotidian life that we are forced to endure.
You do that with your words and your music.
What do I do?
I break kneecaps and collect coins.
Anyway, I've done most of the work for you already.
- How's that?
- I was thinking.
A lot of people owe me money.
Now, that is a lot of arm-breaking and a whole lotta fuss.
See, Gregory's already got the carpel tunnel.
So, I says, "Why make extra work for myself?"
If I made a Broadway decision,
all the guys who owe me money gotta do a job in this show.
And then we'll be all paid up, and everybody's happy.
- Except me.
You want me to write and direct an original musical
using deadbeats and
criminals?
- Did I tell you, is that or is that not
a succinct summation of the situation?
Didn't I tell ya?
- [All] Oh, yeah, whatever you say.
- All right, I'm off.
- Mike, wait, you're leaving?
- Yeah, I wanna be surprised.
Besides, the boys are gonna get you everything you need.
- Oh, sure, boss, whatever you need.
- And then I'll cut his heart out.
- They're staying with me?
- 24, seven.
You think of them as your left hand and your right hand.
And let me tell you something.
I want to be wowed.
- You're raising the bar kind of high.
- I didn't spare your life because you're a medium talent.
Don't disappoint me.
(sighing)
Have fun, people.
(light orchestral music)
Do you believe that guy?
We are this close to closing the deal,
he has the gall to give me attitude.
- You know I don't speak Chinese.
- It's Korean, Jenny.
21st century.
You know, you speak it at a Korean restaurant,
they will give you the uninfected food.
- Uninfected?
- Joking.
I have the CDs.
You should learn.
- Oh, that's really not necessary.
- Calls during lunch.
Robert asked to push the meeting 'til four,
your cable guy will be at your
place between eight and five pm on Saturday.
- Nice of them to give me a nine-hour window.
- And your father called.
- My father called here?
- Yeah.
You were on a conference call to Korea.
You said no calls.
- I did.
What did he say?
- He said, "I'm not dead yet.
"Call sometime."
And then he left his number.
You want me to get him on the line for you?
- No.
- I'll just leave this right here.
- Thank you.
Hi.
My father called last night.
I haven't heard from him in years,
and he calls me all of a sudden out of the blue
because he needs something.
He always calls me when he needs something.
He only calls me when he needs something.
(sighs)
But, you know, I don't know,
this time it felt like, it felt different,
like he really, really needed me.
And I always said I would never forgive him
until he asked for it, but I mean, I don't know.
He's my father, you know.
What do you think?
- Uh.
(snapping fingers)
- You're right, you're right.
You're right.
I have to keep it up here, not down here.
It's just, it's hard sometimes, you know.
(sighing)
Thanks, doc, this really helped.
- You're not one of my patients.
- [Sarah] No, I just needed to vent.
- [Doctor] You want to make an appointment?
- I'm good, thanks.
- It's kind of exciting.
You ready?
(gong banging)
(upbeat orchestral music)
- Ah!
Ah!
- I kinda like this one.
- It's all good here.
- Wait a second, you said Big Mike
is gonna forgive all our debts, right?
(screaming)
This is cool, you're gonna like this.
(girl screams)
- God, oh God, help me!
- It's cool, it's cool!
It's a trick.
(screaming)
(spitting)
- Hi.
- Uh, could you speak up, please?
- Hello.
(exhaling)
I'll be doing a song.
♪ One by one, they're all turning their faces ♪
♪ Your book of love is missing pages ♪
- She one of yours?
- Yeah, she had to borrow money for lawyers.
She used to be a teacher.
- Lawyers?
- She punched a kid.
- She punched a kid?
- Yeah.
♪ In your eyes ♪
♪ Why should I care ♪
♪ When all I ever get are good ♪
(voice cracking)
♪ Good ♪
Oh, bloody hell!
Ooh!
I am the boss of you!
I didn't want this stupid job in the first place!
God damn you all to hell!
- She's got the rage issues.
- You think?
- So, uh, no pile?
- Make her a maybe.
- Clifton Thompson.
He owes us for drugs.
- You could've fooled me.
I would've guessed tax evasion.
- No, drugs.
- Oh, Clifton?
Clifton, back here.
- Oh, it's you.
I thought you were my dead mother's mole for a second.
I will be performing a little number I wrote called
"Please Give Me 50 Bucks So I Can Buy Crack."
- Fantastic.
(light orchestral music)
♪ My name is Clifton and I live down the block ♪
♪ I used to have a house, but now I have a box ♪
♪ I may be in debt ♪
♪ But I'll pay it back ♪
♪ But first give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh oooh ♪
♪ That would be a very very very nice thing ♪
♪ For you to do ooh ooh ♪
♪ Because my insides are beginning to sting ♪
♪ And it hurts when the other junkies laugh at me ♪
♪ Because I got my drugs from a crime family ♪
♪ They say that I'm a dead man ♪
♪ I'm really worried ♪
♪ Please give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ That would be a very very very good choice ♪
♪ Yes it would ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooooh ♪
♪ Because I swear that it's good for my voice ♪
♪ I used to work at the bank ♪
♪ But I got laid off and I thought about dying ♪
♪ Yes he did ♪
♪ Until I discovered ♪
♪ That happiness is a crack rock fryin', oh ♪
♪ I've got the itches ♪
♪ The shakes and the burns ♪
♪ And that's 'cause I'm missing a fix ♪
♪ There's only one solution ♪
♪ 50 bucks'll do the trick ♪
♪ Or whatever you got ♪
- He gets a yes from me.
- [Jack] Great, Clifton, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- My resume has my latest contact info.
- Uh, okay.
Great, great, thank you.
Thanks thank you!
- Thank you.
- Jodi Greenberg, dirty pharmacist on the payroll.
- [Jack] What he get for you guys?
- The boss runs a chop-shop down by the piers.
He was helping us with that.
- A pharmacist helps you with cars?
- No, a chop shop.
Illegal sex change clinic.
He was getting us the bad estrogen.
You have not lived until you've seen half a dozen
angry pre-op trannies.
- Okay.
Jodi, what do you got for us?
(upbeat orchestral music)
- Hey!
- My god, they found me.
I don't know how, but they found me.
Run for it!
- It breaks my heart that you're running away
from your problem.
- You hold him good, Willamena!
That's right, Mama's comin' for your ass!
- The estrogen, it was good.
I swear.
- Does this sound like a voice of good estrogen?
- Oh, what the hell is going on here, ah?
- Guys!
Hey, ho, ho, stop it!
Stop it!
This is a disgrace.
You are a disgrace!
I respect this stage so much,
it kills me to watch one idiot
after another just defecate on it.
- Does that mean I don't get the part?
- Actually, you were pretty good.
Mike, I've had it.
I don't care what you do to me.
I don't care what your father does to me.
I am outta here.
- Jack, I've been waiting all morning to hear that.
- "I've been waiting to hear that all morning, Jack."
You know what?
I don't care anymore, Mike.
I can't take it.
The only thing I've ever loved is being massacred here.
Why can't I just find one normal talented person?
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Moments of sweetness ♪
♪ Can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness ♪
♪ Is hard to find ♪
♪ It's time to take your walls down ♪
(light piano music)
- Wow.
"Walls."
- "Candy-colored Glasses" is my favorite show.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Yes, I know who you are.
I'm Ethan.
- I haven't heard a voice like that since Patrick Stoner.
- The lead of "Candy-colored Glasses"?
I'm not that good.
- You are.
You are that good.
- Hey, we doin' this or what?
- Mike, the musical now has a voice.
- What is that, a fortune cookie?
- Gregory, where are you?
I'm gonna send you a list of everything I need.
- Need for what?
- Writing.
Writing.
(light piano music) (humming)
(sighing)
(discordant piano keys striking)
Okay, guys, I've been working all night.
But, um,
here they are.
And you know what?
Let's not worry about staging or,
you know, blocking or harmony.
Let's just do it nice and loose, okay?
(light piano music)
♪ I love candy, it's delicious ♪
♪ I just hate when I have to do the dishes ♪
♪ Why's my candy on my dishes ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I'll be sleepin' with the fishes ♪
♪ My life sucks ♪
♪ And I can't write ♪
♪ I get drunk on chocolate every night ♪
♪ And by chocolate I mean booze ♪
♪ What the hell ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ I own a factory ♪
♪ It's like a metaphor ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
Oh, hell--
- [Barry] What a piece of shit.
- I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Jack.
- That is the greatest music I have ever heard!
(screaming)
(siren wailing)
- I thought my mother could drink.
You know, I don't know much about musical theater,
but I'm pretty sure that a song
is not supposed to make my insides hurt.
- Hey, Mike, that's bad.
It's like watching a slow kid
falling down a flight of steps.
(chuckling)
- Hey, who cares?
The quicker that asshole screws up,
the quicker he's dead, and we can get back
to doing what we love.
- Organic farming?
- Interior decorating?
- Kicking ass.
Jeez, sometimes you guys are embarrassing.
Listen, I say we just let him fail.
- But, Mike, your father.
- What about him?
It was his stupid idea.
There's nothing special about Jack Cosmo.
He should have known better.
- Is this about the grill?
- No, it's not about the grill.
- Mike?
- All right, maybe it's about the grill,
but it doesn't matter.
Either way, my father made a choice,
and now he's gotta live with the consequences.
- But, Mike, if your father's disappointed,
doesn't that mean he'll blame us?
I mean, don't get mad at me for saying so,
but your father's not a very nice guy when he's angry.
- Didn't you used to have a brother?
- You both are making very salient points.
Those debate lessons are paying off.
- Nobody ever takes advantage of their community colleges.
- So what do we do?
- Well, I don't know.
You're the smart one, Mike.
- Okay.
All right.
Let me think about this.
- So, you saw nothing?
Not at thing?
- You guys were looking through the camera.
All we did was listen to the song.
The rest of the day we just gossiped.
Pretty sure the crack addict is gay.
- Are we honestly saying that the biggest crime boss
on the planet is really just a musical theater fan?
It's preposterous.
There has to be something else going on.
- Ben called from the Caymans and said that Big Mike
contacted him again.
Maybe this has something to do with that.
- Oh, no, no, no.
We've been following that lead for months.
This theater's something new,
and we have to get to the bottom of it.
I am talking to you, rook.
You need to get to the bottom of this, understand?
(knocking on door)
- Were you expecting anybody?
- No.
(quirky orchestral music)
(sighing)
- Mike, Gregory, Tim.
- [Barry] Find someplace, get out of here, go!
- What a surprise!
- Hey, you always shout out the names
of people who show up at your door?
- Uh, yeah, I guess I do.
- You're like, hey, the pizza guy's here!
It's a little weird.
It is a little weird, right?
- It's a little weird.
- Yeah, it's a little weird.
- Makes me think that maybe you got someone here.
- Hmm?
Me, no.
No, all alone this evening, just me.
Oh god.
- [Mike] Anybody here?
- No, no, all alone.
- All right.
All right, we got an issue.
- We do?
- Jack Cosmo.
- Oh, right, Cosmo.
- He's supposed to be some kind of genius,
but all he does is write a lot of crap.
- And drink.
He's like a drinking machine.
And Gregory here is a functional alcoholic,
so he would notice these things.
- My liver looks like a baked potato.
- Ah.
- Now look, you're the expert on Jack Cosmo,
what the hell is wrong with this guy?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, he disappeared 10 years ago
after the bottle got the better of him and
after his wife took off with their daughter.
- There's a demon at the bottom of every bottle.
- A daughter, huh?
Gregory, didn't you take a semester in psychology?
- Yeah.
- So what do you think?
Is the daughter what this guy's problem is?
- [Gregory] Sure, I mean I always have trouble
beating people up when my kids are mad at me.
- It's the daughter.
I'll tell you what, that's our problem.
What we gotta do is get the daughter to show up
and make nicey nice with the daddy.
And then maybe Cosmo will be able to write something
that doesn't smell like an enormous pile of crap.
Then we can all go to my father's 74th birthday party
and not be dead.
Capisce?
- Guys, guys, look, I don't even know where she lives.
- Well, you better figure it out
or learn how to sing without your toes.
You really are all alone here, aren't you?
- Yep.
All alone, just my buds.
- Okay, you win.
Here's a 50.
You see, I thought for sure we were gonna find you in here
with that crack addict.
- I said, "No."
I got flawless gaydar.
- Quit bragging.
He's always bragging.
Now listen to me, you get that daughter,
or we get you.
Got me?
- Got you.
Have a good night.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
We need to find Sarah Cosmo.
(tapping on window)
(knocking on door)
- She might not even be home.
- Negative, rook.
Heat sensors show that she's in there.
Wow, look at that heat signature.
- She's hot.
- Really?
(sighing)
(knocking on door) (speaking foreign language)
(knocking on door)
(sighing)
- She's not even home.
You know what?
This is ridiculous.
I'm going to get out of here.
'Cause I don't want to, want to,
hi, hello, sorry.
Hi, uh, you don't know me,
um, but I'm here to talk to you
about something really important.
- When the hell you Mormons gonna learn?
- Huh?
- Thank you very much, have a nice night.
- No, no.
I'm a friend of your father's.
Mmm, this is delicious.
You say you mix the leaves yourself?
- Yeah.
Why waste your time with inferior store-bought tea when
you can learn to grow and dry
your own leaves in three weekends at any Buddhist monastery?
- Sure.
- Why are you here?
- Uh, your dad is writing again.
- Good for him.
- No.
Not so much.
- How do you know my father?
- Well,
I'm the lead in his new show.
- New show?
What did you say your name was?
- Ethan.
- Ethan what?
- Trimble.
- Never heard of you.
Yeah, well, your dad wanted an
unknown to disappear into the character.
- What's the name of this masterpiece?
- "How Sweet It Is."
- Terrible title.
Well, Ethan Nimble--
- Trimble.
- I wish you and my father best of luck.
Now, if you will excuse me--
- Actually, I'd love to tell you a bit more.
Okay.
Sarah, your dad isn't doing so great.
I don't think he'll be able to finish
this musical without you.
- Oh, okay, I get it.
- You do?
- Yeah, this is about you.
This is your big break, and if
I don't come in and give him a psychic massage or whatever,
you don't get your moment
being in the big Jack Cosmo comeback production.
- Sarah, no, seriously, I don't care if I get to
perform in this thing or not.
- No.
- You know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is about me.
Your dad's work made my childhood tolerable.
And I know I'm not alone.
And I know you're angry with him
and you have every right to be,
but can't you admit that this whole wide world
is just a little bit brighter with Jack Cosmo in it?
- Whole wide world?
Your parents should've named you Opie.
- It's my middle name.
- No.
Look, he's trying.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
- Second?
Try again.
- Third?
- Higher.
- Okay, he's really trying.
Thanks for the tea.
(light piano music)
- Hey.
Who was Billy Hannigan's understudy in
"Three for the Dirt Road"?
- You want the New York cast
or the London cast?
- Unwritten and unconscious.
This is exactly how I left him 10 years ago.
- 10 years is a long time ago.
Jack, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Come on, wake up.
I got somebody here who wants to see you.
(Jack mumbles)
- [Sarah] What'd he say?
- Nothing.
- I will leave.
- "My balls are itchy."
- So, scratch them?
- What?
No, no, no.
That's what he said.
Look, I'm sorry, he's obviously gone for the night.
I thought we'd get somewhere with this.
- He's not that far gone.
The sobering ritual.
- The...
- Ah!
- Are you awake?
- Stop it!
- Are you sober?
- Are you sure we should be doing this?
- Ah!
- What's the square root of nine?
- What?
What does that,
three!
Three, it's three!
- Okay.
- It's three.
(coughing)
That's the way my wife and daughter used to sober me up.
Sarah.
(light piano music)
- Jack.
- Hey, so I'm gonna get you two some coffee.
- I'll take a Fazenda Santa Ines.
You can get it at that Brazilian place down on Piermont.
- Right, Jack?
- Black, just black.
I called.
(sighing)
- New show?
Why?
- It's complicated.
I, um,
I got inspired.
- That's great.
That's great, Jack.
I'm glad you got inspired.
But a new play from scratch in
what I'm told is a preposterous amount of time?
Look at yourself.
You smell worse than you look,
and you look awful.
From what Ethan tells me,
you haven't written a single worthy note
and you have an entire company of people depending on you.
I can tell you from experience
that when people depend on you, they get hurt.
- Look, um,
I have to write.
I, uh, I'm gonna go write.
(laughing)
- I gotta admit, kid, you did good.
- What are you doing here?
They're right inside.
- What?
You're just talking to a couple of mechanics about stuff.
- For a second, I thought for sure you'd blow your cover.
- No.
- But that corny bullshit you came up with,
"Jack Cosmo made the whole wide world a better place,"
I gotta admit, I'm impressed.
- It's not bullshit, Barry.
- Whatever you say, Opie.
I guess you're more foo-foo than I thought.
Hey, don't you have some coffee to get, rook?
(laughing)
- Aww, man, I got oil on my onesie.
- You have not changed one bit.
- Yes, I have.
I used to drink gin.
(scoffing)
Sarah!
I know I have to change.
It's hard when you don't have anyone to change for.
- No, I will not do this.
You feel sorry for yourself all you want,
but don't drag everyone else down with you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I do not feel sorry for myself, okay?
I feel sorry for you,
for all that I put you and your mom through.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, okay?
I'm saying it right here.
I am sorry.
(sighing)
If this is hell, I deserve it.
- Yeah, you do.
(door clicking)
Can you just be honest with me for once in your life?
- There were some gambling debts
and the head of the five families--
- Big Mike Cicero?
- Wants me to write a show for him.
If I do, he'll forgive my debts, let me live.
If I don't, he'll put me out of my misery.
You know, as I say it now, it sounds kind of crazy.
- Kind of crazy?
So, call the police.
- He'll kill me.
- Okay, the FBI?
- Again, bullet, brain.
(sighing)
Still, there's a part of me, you know,
that thinks maybe,
I'm a silly old man.
- You better get back to writing.
- Yeah.
Back to writing.
Sarah?
It is so good to see you again.
I mean, it's really great to see you again.
And even if all this ends up
with me liquefying in a bag of lye,
it was worth it just for this.
(sighing)
- You always could turn a phrase.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- What are you doing?
- You never read that University of Madrid study
on how work environment affects creativity?
It was written in Basque.
Anyway, it's not a difficult language to learn.
I am cleaning up, and then I'm leaving.
Maybe I'll come back tomorrow,
see how the production is going.
Maybe.
But if I see you take one drink,
if I hear one lie, If you place one bet.
Capisce?
Get back to work.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Okay, I am back with the coffee.
- Great, give it all to Jack.
- All to Jack?
Okay.
Hey, this is weird, but you know that Brazilian coffee,
that special coffee?
It was like $30 a cup.
- You know, my father had a saying
whenever a young unknown complained
about having to pay for coffee.
- Welcome to show biz, kid.
(light jazz music)
♪ Looking at me now ♪
♪ People wonder how I ever got into this game ♪
♪ Well, it wasn't always me ♪
♪ Calling out the scenes ♪
♪ It took years to build my name ♪
♪ Before I wrote a page ♪
♪ I would clean the stage ♪
♪ While the higher-ups got the fame ♪
♪ With a pat on the back ♪
♪ They would smile and say ♪
♪ Jack, welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz ♪
♪ You coo coo kid ♪
♪ Moving through the years ♪
♪ I kinda disappeared ♪
♪ From gambling every now and then ♪
♪ And while nobody in town ♪
♪ Saw the curtain go down ♪
♪ I know that it will rise again ♪
♪ Now a few of them are thugs ♪
♪ And some others may do drugs ♪
♪ Or fool around with estrogen ♪
♪ You may seem perverse ♪
♪ But I'm here to make it work ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo, Cosmo ♪
♪ That's me, baby ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The whole world's waiting for the band ♪
♪ To start playing ♪
♪ It's all in your hands ♪
♪ For this golden stage ♪
♪ Oh, we are swingin' now baby ♪
♪ In a few days' time ♪
♪ We'll cross that line ♪
♪ And we're hoping for a homerun ♪
♪ Because opening night's ♪
♪ Got to be just right ♪
♪ Or everything comes undone ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em shiver ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em quiver ♪
♪ I hope that I'm as good as they all remember ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause wouldn't you just hate it ♪
♪ If no one ever stated ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ From the bottom to the top now ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ Only I could teach you how ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It ain't time for my final bow ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
(thudding)
- Look at what I'm wearing.
I am all in white.
White is Alfredo sauce.
I coordinate my sauces with my suits.
- But Wednesday's usually your rouge suit day, boss.
Today's Wednesday.
- Hey, Hey!
It's any day I say it is, you got that?
- Yeah, boss.
- I wear white on Tuesday.
- You wear white on Fridays, boss.
- I wear white on Fridays.
- I can see that, boss.
- You know you're working through the weekend, right?
(phone rings)
Yeah.
- Michael,
(Caribbean music)
We're missing you down here in the Caymans.
- Ben, hey.
Yeah, hey, listen.
My plane is making humming noises.
I don't fly to the Caymans when my plane
is making humming noises.
- What's wrong with the plane?
- What am I, a freaking mechanic?
How do I know?
He says it's gonna be fixed in about a day.
(guns firing) (man shouting)
- Well, um, how about--
(woman moaning on recording)
I come to you then?
- Yeah, that's good.
(sighs with relief)
Yeah, swing by, that's all right.
- Great.
So, at your office?
- No, not the office.
I want you to Come to the theater.
We've got a big freakin' night.
We'll do the deal before the show, okay?
- Splendid!
Where is this theater?
- Yeah.
- [Ben] You're gone?
Yeah, you're gone, okay.
- I gotta call you back.
- That'll come right out, boss.
I got the magic stick in the other room.
- Come here.
- [Gregory] It's ridiculous.
- Just about everything in this business is,
but he's gotta overcome his fears, Gregory.
Now, here he comes.
You're on, you're on, go!
Go!
- I don't believe it.
It's my dead mother's mole!
- I've been watching you from the other side.
I'm very disappointed.
- Because I'm not smoking enough crack?
- Whooo.
No.
You been smoking too much crack.
You gotta stop.
Boo.
- Stop smoking crack.
I, I never thought of that.
(crying)
(light piano music)
- Jodi, you're really good with the moves.
Can you get me some extra professional dancers
to make this thing pop a little bit?
- Sure, boss.
I have a prescription for everything.
- Oh!
You he, she freak!
(screaming)
- Bitch kicked indigo in the balls!
- Oh, no!
(screaming)
- Kristina, the rage has got to stop, baby.
The rage has got to stop.
I want you to do me a favor.
Every time you feel that you're gonna lose it, here.
Here, take this tack, okay?
And I want you to press it against your skin
as hard as you can.
Will you do that for me?
Okay?
And it'll make you stop.
Will you try that?
Okay.
That's good.
(upbeat orchestral music)
- Sweat?
- Yeah, I ran out of E's.
(Sarah laughs)
I'm just glad to have a marquis at all.
You know what?
We open tomorrow night,
what do you say we celebrate?
- Oh, yes!
- How do we expect anyone to come see it?
The public doesn't know about it.
- My father took care of that.
- How does your father expect to sell
any tickets without any radio ads, any print ads,
any television commercials?
- Well, we sold out in five minutes.
Like I said, my dad took care of it.
(Clifton sighs)
- Listen, I am all for a celebration,
just as long as the party
tonight does not include any crack.
(cell phone rings)
Oh, oh.
Hello?
I gotta take this.
Go for Clifton.
- Well, I don't know about crack,
but I thought maybe a little barbecue.
- Yes, I love meat!
- Mike, if you don't mind.
- That's my father's grill, Jack.
- Well, since he's not using it,
I thought maybe we could.
- Yeah, but if he finds out you stole from him, he'll, uh--
- Well, maybe, he doesn't find out.
- [Sarah] Oh.
- And please remember, this is not a weapon.
- Funny guy.
Okay, let's fire it up, come on.
- We'll season the patties.
- So, how ya feel?
- Well, for the first time in a long time,
I don't have an urge to drive into oncoming traffic.
(chuckling)
- Right.
Is that good?
Bad?
Good?
- It's good.
- Oh good.
- I feel good. - Good.
- Thanks, Ethan.
- For what?
- For giving me a voice to write for.
(light piano music)
- So, you're gonna need that for your burger.
- Oh.
Thank you.
(knocking on door)
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
I have a show tomorrow.
- Hey, Olivier, you're undercover.
It's pretend, now focus.
We just got off the line with Ben.
The deal is going down tomorrow before the show.
- Wait, wait, you mean--
- Operation foo-foo is over the second
our agent meets with Big Mike.
- What about the show?
- How hard is this to figure out?
There isn't going to be a show.
You got a problem, rook?
- No.
- Good.
Now, go get your beauty sleep.
Wouldn't want you to look tired on your big day tomorrow.
- See, Barry?
It's not so hard to be nice.
- He was being sarcastic.
- [Woman] It looks like a strip club.
- How are we supposed to get in
(people chattering)
(sighing)
(upbeat orchestral music)
- Ladies, hey, let's go!
Robes off.
Good.
Hey, last looks!
- Beautiful.
This is a wonderful party for you!
I can see you tomorrow morning already, beaming.
- I told you not to read my future.
- Gentlemen, the condor is in the nest.
The condor is in the nest.
- Where?
- I think he's saying,
Big Mike is in the building.
- Well, why didn't he just say that?
- I'm talking in code, you tool.
- Well, now I'm really disappointed.
You know how passionate I am about ornithology.
- Orny what?
- Would you two please just shut up?
- Huh?
Isn't that beautiful?
- So beautiful.
- [Barry] Tell Ben to get into position.
(knocking on door)
- Hey, didn't mean to scare you.
- No, no, you didn't scare me.
- Jitters are normal.
- Well, this is my first show.
First show.
- I figured that might be dancing around in your head.
- Yeah.
- Know what I think you should do?
- What?
- I think you should ask me out.
- Huh?
- Is that not something you'd like?
- No, no, I, uh, actually I thought about that.
I thought, maybe I should ask her out.
I thought, what if she doesn't want to go out with me?
Awkward moment.
I just didn't say anything at that point.
Just if you didn't, you said no, with people around,
I just can't have that in my life right now.
- I might not want to go out with you.
- Right. - Right.
And you'll only find out if you ask.
- Right.
I should ask.
- [Sarah] Mm-hmm.
- Now, um, okay.
Uh, so would you like to go,
this is now middle school.
Would you like to go out with me?
(light orchestral music)
- I will tell you in two hours.
- What?
- You're not worrying about the show anymore, are ya?
- No.
- Ben is coming in now.
Get him to his seat and make the deal.
If I have to sit through this entire show,
I am killing everyone in this place.
Ethan, are you even in position?
- Excuse me, sir?
You need to take your seat.
The show's about to start.
- I don't know why y'all always wanna mess with the brother,
like black people don't watch musicals.
Most of the dancers in here is black, I bet you.
'Cause we can dance.
- Excuse me, sit down.
- All right, Jackie Gleason.
Look here, you need to go back down
to the unemployment bureau and get a job
that fits your weight class.
Ushers are little, tiny people,
children like them little girls.
Come on, man.
You got a pistol on you?
- [Barry] Ethan, are you in position?
- [Sarah] You okay?
- Jack, Sarah, look, there's something I need to tell you.
- Kid, you're supposed to be on stage.
- Save the big reveals for after the show.
- Sarah, listen.
If I don't tell you this now,
there's not gonna be a show.
- Fine, what is it?
- The short version?
I'm an FBI agent.
- Ha.
- What?
- He's so good.
Okay, save it for the stage.
- No, seriously, I'm an FBI agent.
They sent me here for Big Mike.
Look, he's making a deal with one of our undercover agents,
and if that deal happens, then your show
doesn't go on.
- You lied to me?
- Yes.
Yes, you can get mad at me later.
- Don't tell me when I can get mad at you!
- Look, I'm trying to make this right.
Look, look, look.
See that guy over there in the ascot?
- Oh, yeah.
Jeez.
- That's our agent.
I need you to find a way to get that guy away from Big Mike
for the rest of the show.
You can't let that guy, that guy,
oh, and especially that guy
get suspicious of what you're doing.
- Hello.
- Hey, Benny, how ya doing?
- Good, how are you?
- Nice to see you, good.
Move over.
Sit down.
- I didn't ask for this,
but now that I've got it,
I don't want to lose it.
- I know, I know, which is why I just blew my cover.
Believe me, I could lose my job for telling you this.
Actually, technically, I could go to jail.
- I screwed everything up.
Sarah, you left me because of me,
your mother left me because of me,
now the show's falling apart because of me.
- Jack, the show is happening because of you.
- Guys, we need to move, right now.
- You deserve your night, dad.
- So, are we doing this?
- Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?
- Ethan, what the hell is going on?
- We have a very special surprise
for one lucky member of tonight's audience.
One of you gets to watch the entire production
right next to the auteur, the man of the hour,
Jack Cosmo himself.
(audience applauding)
- See, what did I tell you?
Something good is going to happen today.
- It better happen for me, I'm gonna kill somebody.
- Ethan, come in!
- Would you be quiet?
They're announcing the winner.
- Think it'll be me?
- And the winning seat number is table three,
seat D!
- God, that was right next to me.
- Who is the lucky winner?
- My friend, Ben, over here.
Ben, you won.
Good for you.
I could kill ya.
Just joking.
But seriously, I'm imagining that now.
You better get outta here.
- I don't think you understand,
I don't want this.
- Let's give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- It always goes to the undeserved.
- Like the lotto.
- Or left-overs.
(laughing)
(coughing)
- Please sit back and relax.
The show will begin in just a few minutes.
- Ethan!
- Whoa!
Jack, I think I'm in love with your daughter.
- You'd be stupid if you weren't, kid.
Come on, we're doing this.
- [Sarah] Ben, what did you say your last name was?
- I didn't.
- Okay, well, Ben, this is Jack Cosmo.
- Give it to somebody else, all right?
- Nonsense!
Everybody saw you win.
If you go back to your seat now,
it would look really suspicious.
Right, Sarah?
- Yeah, weirdly suspicious.
- Weirdly.
- Suspicious.
- I'll give you a quick tour,
just take a look around,
you'll go right back to your seat, okay?
Yeah, right back here.
- Fine!
- [Sarah] Yes!
- Nice ascot.
(audience applauding)
(sniffing)
(light orchestral music)
- Ah.
(singers vocalizing)
(clapping)
(singers vocalizing)
(hissing)
(clapping)
(audience applauding)
- Oh, oh, I have got to stop drinking.
- [Man] No, you should be resting after that nasty fall.
- Ben, come in.
Report.
Ben!
- Come on, get this over here like that.
Yeah, that's right.
- I promise we're gonna let you go
as soon as the show's over.
- Listen to me!
You are interfering with an FBI.
- Can't hear you!
Fa-la-la-la!
- Jack, Jack, don't worry.
We'll handle it.
- Yeah, we're already wanted by the FBI.
(gasping)
- We are?
- Well, I know I'd like to be wanted by the FBI.
- Oh, girl, you're so bad!
And it feels so good!
(laughing)
- Shhh, shhh!
Thank you, ladies, thank you.
- Marshmallow?
Wait, candy shop?
- Jack, this is your candy shop.
And it is your building.
And it is your fault that we're in this mess.
Now, you better figure out a way to pay back Clifton,
or we're gonna lose the shop!
- [Jack] Clifton?
- Sarah was right.
You cannot hold your candy.
- Sarah?
Wait!
My Sarah?
Please, tell me where she is.
I need to see her.
- [Man] Well, I'll get you a handful of mint jelly beans,
so she doesn't smell the chocolate on your breath.
- Ben, come in, report!
Ben!
We can still do the deal before the act break, Ben.
- Shhh!
- This is his most personal work yet, Barry.
Show some respect.
- [Jack] And I'm losing myself.
- Forget this.
Christ.
I'm gonna go back there myself and see what's happening.
- When are you gonna grow up?
(light orchestral music)
- [Sarah] This world is yours.
You're the director.
- [Jack] What did you just say?
- [Sarah] I said, "You're the director."
You direct your own destiny.
- [Jack] Sarah, wait!
- What is it, Jack?
- Jack?
Whatever happened to dad?
Daddy?
I mean, I'd even take old man.
- You're unbelievable.
- Sarah, if I said something to hurt you,
it wasn't me!
I just got here.
- Just got here?
- Yes, yes, I woke up, and I was in this factory,
in this world where you're standing here talking to me.
And it's a dream come true.
You have to help me!
- I don't have to do anything with you!
You know why?
- No, why?
- [Sarah] You know why?
- What are you doing?
- Is she supposed to be throwing those?
- No, she's not.
- You don't waltz back into my life
and just expect me to just forgive you!
- Please don't hit me.
(breathing heavily)
(audience laughing)
- This is great.
- Best show ever.
- Because of this!
- Oh!
Uh, that, yes!
I'm a slob, I'll take a shower!
- You're an ass!
- Hey, you watch your mouth!
Sarah, wait, please.
It's not my fault.
Please wait!
- Your breath reeks of this crap.
- Well, it's awesome!
I mean, seriously, have you tried it?
It's like scotch and gin had a baby
and that baby had another baby with heroin.
- Don't, okay?
Just don't.
(sobbing)
(audience applauding)
(light acoustic guitar music)
- [Sarah] I love you, dad.
I love you so much.
- Your mother once asked me a question, Sarah.
She wanted to know if it was possible
for a person to change.
(audience applauding)
- It's pure Cosmo.
(laughing)
- I can't believe we're here tonight.
I couldn't have done this without you.
- "Bite of our Lives" positions, let's go!
Last looks, come on!
Let's go.
"Bite of our Lives" positions now.
"Bite of our Lives" is up.
Where are my trannies?
(urinating)
Last looks, positions for "Bite of our Lives".
(gasping)
- We're in that number!
- What about him?
We need to keep a tight eye on him.
- I have an idea.
(light orchestral music)
- Okay, girls, come on, come on.
Clifton, Clifton,
your cue isn't 'til later, okay?
So, just stuff one of these in his
mouth and lock the door when you go, okay?
All right.
It's just 'til the end of the show, honey.
Come on, girls.
- We gotta get changed.
- I don't know what you did to get yourself
into this pickle, but I know a mole
that makes a lot of sense.
- Jesus.
- Mmm, slight resemblance if you catch
it in the right light, but either way, just a mole.
One that's on your face,
you know, not one that goes in the ground.
That would be crazy.
- But, you're not crazy.
- No.
- So, if you'll just let me go--
(muffled yelling)
- Where is my hat?
(muffled yelling)
(toilet flushing)
- It's show time.
Thank you for coming.
♪ You're far too kind ♪
♪ But, now it's my turn ♪
♪ To blow your mind ♪
♪ If we look back centuries ♪
♪ Ancient explorers crossed the seas ♪
♪ Looking for land ♪
♪ And endless wealth ♪
♪ But they discovered something else ♪
♪ This type of payday ♪
♪ Grew on trees ♪
♪ And had a kiss of divinity ♪
♪ And pretty soon ♪
♪ The world renowned ♪
♪ The cocoa plants sprouting from the ground ♪
♪ But for thousands of years ♪
♪ Chocolate has been the same ♪
♪ What a shame ♪
♪ This is why we're gathered here ♪
♪ 'Cause we just changed the game ♪
♪ So sit up straight ♪
♪ Eyes on me ♪
♪ You're 'bout to get a taste of history ♪
♪ I hope you brought ♪
♪ A change of clothes ♪
♪ 'Cause right here in front of you ♪
♪ Beneath your noses ♪
♪ Is a breakthrough ♪
♪ Quite the prize ♪
♪ It gives you that feeling ♪
♪ In your thighs ♪
♪ When you crave a crunch ♪
♪ But the well's run dry ♪
♪ The solution is here ♪
♪ And it's bite-sized ♪
♪ Oh, don't we all deserve a chance ♪
♪ To find that happiness ♪
♪ We've been hoping for ♪
♪ In our minds ♪
♪ Even if it is something that we had lost before ♪
♪ It is right here ♪
♪ Standing before you ♪
♪ Ready to be found once more ♪
♪ So ♪
♪ Open your boxes ♪
♪ Lick your lips ♪
♪ Hold this miracle in your fingertips ♪
♪ It doesn't melt inside your hand ♪
♪ Not a smudge ♪
♪ But the time for talk is over ♪
♪ You be the judge of Cosmo ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ The stars are all aligning ♪
♪ There's no denying ♪
♪ That this work of art ♪
♪ Will melt your candy heart ♪
- Ugh!
♪ And it gives me great pride ♪
♪ To ask you all to open wide ♪
♪ The time has finally arrived ♪
♪ To take the bite of your lives ♪
(audience applauding)
- Son, I love you!
- I love it.
(spitting)
- I had no idea, I swear I had no idea.
- Musical theater, huh?
- Musical f'in theater!
- Hey.
- Oh, hey!
I was so jealous of you.
How was it back there?
- Oh, great, lots of fun, learned a lot.
Listen, are we doing this deal?
- Shhh!
The big finale's gonna come up.
We'll talk after.
- Just tell me the deal's good!
- Yeah, the deal is good,
of course it's good.
- Thank Christ.
Now!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- You son of a bitch.
You're a fed.
- And you're under arrest.
- Pop, we gotta get out of here.
- No, I've been set up.
By him, back there.
Everybody outta here!
(gun firing)
(audience screams)
- Stay here.
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Where are you guys?
- Hey!
- It was you, wasn't it, Jack?
- This is between us.
Please, don't hurt anyone.
- You set me up.
Don't even think about lying to me.
- I just wanted the show to be special.
- Special?
This is the best work you've done in years.
I can't wait to see how it ends,
but you were working with them.
- I swear to god, Mike--
- It was me, Big Mike.
Aim that at me.
- Listen, you'll be able to buy your way out of it,
but not if you kill me in front of everybody.
Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- Not no more now!
- You gave me my life back, man.
(dramatic orchestral music)
Please, don't take it away.
- All right, consider another scenario.
If I kill you now, you'll go out on top.
So, I'm sort of doing you a favor.
You're welcome.
(all shouting)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(gun firing)
(grunting)
(breathing heavily)
What, did everybody run in front of my bullet?
Son, what the hell?
- He loved my grill.
- Why are you so concerned about a stupid-ass grill?
(grunting)
(flag ripping)
- Go.
- Freeze!
Who got hit?
- Jack, the show is beautiful.
Beautiful!
- What, nobody?
Son of a bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay put.
We'll get you an ambulance.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I have been shot so much worse than this.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Hey, Jack, the show's gonna be a hit.
And I know people.
And you're no credit risk, Cosmo.
- Dad?
- [Jack] Hey.
- You okay?
- [Jack] You all right?
- I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm in one piece.
- Okay.
- Um,
how about the finale?
- The audience is gone, baby.
- You're here.
- I don't think it's up to me.
- Yeah, technically we are all witnesses,
and we have to make statements.
- See, this is why I don't like working with rookies.
Go finish the foo-foo.
We can take statements later.
- Agent Trimble,
it's been two hours.
- It's been two hours, yes.
Oh, yes, okay.
Well, I was wondering if you are free this weekend
and if you like Korean food--
(light orchestral music)
♪ There is a fire that can burn into the day ♪
♪ There is a fire than can always light my way ♪
♪ So burn on ♪
♪ You lovely flame ♪
♪ Shine your light down on me ♪
♪ And I'll shine my light on you ♪
♪ Shine your light down once again ♪
♪ All you had to do ♪
♪ Was try ♪
♪ Try ♪
♪ The clouds will open up ♪
♪ And you'll see the sky ♪
♪ Filled with stars ♪
♪ And planets all aligned ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ Some people started wars over a kiss ♪
♪ Have braved the coldest winters for moments like this ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ We were lost in the darkness ♪
♪ So scared of the night ♪
♪ Now we stand here unafraid ♪
♪ We are ready for this fight ♪
♪ It's so hard to walk along ♪
♪ When no one is by your side ♪
♪ But love is never singing good-bye ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ The walls are down ♪
♪ The fire burns ♪
♪ The missing pages have returned ♪
♪ There's no longer any doubt ♪
♪ We truly have what it takes ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm here and now ♪
♪ And I'm wide awake ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ All you need to do is try to live ♪
♪ To love, to love ♪
♪ To see how far we've come ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
(upbeat piano music)
♪ This ain't my first show ♪
♪ Ha ♪
♪ All of you really oughtta know ♪
♪ That I'm the king of this rodeo ♪
♪ I still got the juice ♪
♪ So listen close ♪
♪ When the spotlight burns ♪
♪ And the orchestra plays somethin' smart ♪
♪ These are the things you all should learn ♪
♪ To get you straight into the people's hearts ♪
♪ Oh oh ♪
♪ It's all about the soul ♪
♪ It's all about the melody ♪
♪ It's all about lettin' it all hang out ♪
♪ And so that's our choreography ♪
(upbeat orchestral music)
♪ Echo, just an echo ♪
♪ A silhouette of what we used to know ♪
♪ Affliction ♪
♪ Cold addiction ♪
♪ It snuffed out all the things that helped you grow ♪
♪ Now I've been here ♪
♪ For good and for bad ♪
♪ Always by your side ♪
♪ But remember the things that you had ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ You have to try ♪
♪ Try to take your walls down ♪
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Factory ♪
♪ Sugar and sweetness can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness is hard to find ♪
♪ What happened to the world that I once knew ♪
♪ Tonight's the night, old friend ♪
♪ Tonight's the night it all goes live ♪
♪ Which way can I turn ♪
♪ What can I do ♪
♪ I need that old Jack to come alive ♪
♪ And take the walls down ♪
♪ That you've created ♪
♪ Take a good look around ♪
♪ Jack, take your walls down ♪
♪ What you've been missing is not too lost ♪
♪ To be found ♪
(light acoustic guitar music)
(light chiming music)