- Come on. - I'm sorry.
Yearbooks are forever. Look serious.
- Okay, all right. - Hold it.
Janey, keep your arms down. Come on. Pump them!
All right, mean.
Tell me I'll coach girls' track for the rest of my life.
Come on, this gag photo for the yearbook was your idea.
What the hell is going on? Who let you use my uniform?
- Hi, Dan. - Moll.
Sorry, babe. Didn't know it was you. No problem.
Anytime you wanna get into my pants, just ask.
I never had sisters before. So long.
What a guy.
Come on, girls. Keep your stride nice and easy. Let's go.
Get your arms down!
Moll, our fearless leader has returned.
- Who? - Walker.
Go ask him now before somebody else does. Go get him, tiger!
Dr. Walker!
Miss McGrath!
For a second I thought you were Bubba Smith.
They look fine. You look fine, girls. Get those arms up.
How was the principals' conference?
- Very stimulating. - Good.
Dr. Walker, an interesting thing happened when you were away...
Nick Martinelli went in for a double hernia.
I don't think he's gonna be able to coach JV football this year...
and I'd like the job.
I tell you what, run it by Dan Darwell.
If he doesn't have any objections, it's fine with me.
Young lady, keep those knees pumping!
Knees and arms, girls.
- I got to ask Dan. - The worst he could do is say no.
He could say, "No, babes. "
You wanna know the best way to do this?
Don't talk to him about it now.
- Not now? I like that. - Tell him you want to meet him later.
- Later. Good. - Sort of a date.
I'm not going on a date with him. I already did.
Tell him you want to meet him.
Maybe play a game of racquetball.
I mean, the guy is disgusting.
- I'm not going on a date. - How badly do you wanna coach football?
- I can't. I have to pick the kids up. - I'll pick the kids up.
I'm warmed up.
Okay. Ready?
- I need to talk to you, Dan. - Sure, babes. How about over dinner?
- How about over racquetball? - Okay. A quick set, then dinner.
We'll play to five. Ladies first. You serve.
I want to coach the JV, Dan.
Molly, a girl can't coach boys' football. You know that.
- No, I don't. - My serve.
- Dan, I can handle this. Believe me. - Heads up!
One-zip. Supposed to hit the ball, not the wall, babes.
I was raised on football. I know more about it than anybody else you could get.
- I mean, coaching to me is like- - Heads up!
You know I'm qualified, Dan. I've known you and Dr. Walker a long time now.
You wouldn't discriminate against me because I'm a woman.
You know me, babes, I'm a modern guy...
but Walker, I don't know. Let's see what he says.
- We'll meet with him on Monday. - Thanks, Dan.
- What's the score? - Two-one, mine.
It's three-one, yours.
Dan, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Are you okay?
I'm fine. Good game. We'll play again when I don't have a headache.
- See you later. - You're not sore at me, are you?
No, everything's fine.
- We're still going to meet with Walker? - Yeah, first thing Monday morning.
- Okay. You're not upset? - I'm fine.
- Get out of here, you knucklehead. - Okay.
Yeah. Go team. Throw the ball!
- Mom, I lost my sneaker. - Put on your sandals.
- Verna, I found Dad's playbooks. - Then I'm not going.
- Alice! - What?
- Help your sister find her shoe. - Why do I have to?
Because she's 6. You're 13. As you get older, life gets tougher.
Look how Dad blocked the sweep series. He was way ahead of his time.
I love this play.
Hey, Mom, I found Marian's shoe. President Muffley had it.
Little son of a bitch also ate my Duran Duran album.
What'd you say?
Verna said it's okay to call a dog a son of a bitch, because that's what he is.
I can't believe I said that, but it is linguistically correct.
I got it.
- Hey, Frank. - Hey, Verna.
How you doing?
- My lips are above the water line. - That's very funny.
- Hey, Moll. What's happening? - Hi.
What's with all that? Finally getting around to throwing that stuff out?
Yeah, I'm just throwing that out.
Daddy!
Hi, sweetie. Muffinhead.
- Kids! - We're going shopping!
Guys, call me every night, okay?
- It's just the weekend. - Well, humor me.
'Bye, baby.
'Bye, Mom. See you Sunday. I love you.
- 'Bye, honey. I love you. 'Bye. - 'Bye, Mom.
By the way, Stephanie's parents are having a cocktail party Sunday night...
so I'll drop the kids off earlier than usual, like 2:30 p. m. Okay? Thanks.
Why didn't you tell him about the coaching?
'Cause I know him. He'd put it down, try to talk me out of it.
So I decided to get tough, stand up to him, and deny it.
Anyway, I'll tell him Monday after I get the job.
I'm really very sorry.
If the position has been filled, there's nothing I can do about it.
Coach Darwell is within his rights to select Mr. Remo as his JV Coach.
- But he's the Home EC teacher. - And a darn good one, too!
Mr. Remo, do you know what a nickel defense is...
or an open set formation, or when to use a safety blitz?
I can't say I do.
How about penetration? Do you know how to get good penetration?
Miss McGrath, please. We're drifting off the subject here.
Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
Dr. Walker was explaining to me why you picked someone...
no disrespect, Mr. Remo, who doesn't know diddlysquat about football.
Hey, you really wanna coach football? Fine, you got it.
What are you talking about? You said I could coach JV.
Because, she's going to coach varsity. The big "V."
- What? - Jesus, Dan, don't-
At Central High.
Oh, my God.
I spoke to their principal this morning.
If she is willing to take no bonus over her pay, they'd love to have her.
Here's his number. Ben Edwards.
Dan, I don't think Central is the right place for a woman.
She can handle it. Can't you, Moll?
Besides, maybe a woman's touch is just what they need.
After she teaches them to sit, she can take the thorns out of their paws.
- You think that's real funny, don't you? - Yes.
Okay, laughing boy.
I'm going to take that job.
You think a woman can't be tough enough?
I'll show you tough.
Watch me.
I forgot my purse.
Help!
Mr. Edwards?
Hey, come on, stop all that noise. You damned dogs.
- Hey, how are you? - Fine.
I bet you're Molly McGrath.
- Ben Edwards. - Molly McGrath.
Right. Come on in.
I want to apologize for the puppies. I went out...
to chain them up before you came, but they got away from me.
- Are those puppies always here? - No, just when the armed guards are off.
I have some stats here that you might be interested in.
Great!
It's play diagrams from our touchdown plays from last year...
players' reports, things you might need.
Great! I just wanna thank you.
I appreciate this so much, you taking this chance on me.
Right. How about some peanut brittle?
We have a little left from last year's fund-raising drive.
No, thanks. I'm too fired up to eat.
You got some real talent here.
Raw, perhaps. I think with the help of my assistant coaches-
- No assistant coaches? - Right.
School starts in a week, so we better start practice right away-
No practice?
I wouldn't even know how to round the guys up.
But if it's any consolation to you...
a number of our players are returning from last year, so...
maybe it wouldn't take much coaching.
Your team only won one game last year, 'cause the other team's bus broke down.
Yeah, that victory party was something to see.
Mr. Edwards...
let's second-think this for a bit.
Are you sure I'm the right person for this job?
Hey, Dan Darwell told me that you were eminently qualified.
He also tells me that it's your lifetime dream to coach football.
- Is that right? - That's right.
If word got around that you chickened out on this job...
you think anybody would ever offer you another chance?
Yes?
- No. - Right.
- Coach, aren't you late for practice? - I was just going.
- Are you nervous? - No.
- Well, a little. - I don't blame you.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
Wait a minute. You guys want to fight?
Go ahead. Punch each other's head off. Doesn't make any difference.
Only tell your mother you don't have a principal anymore.
You got a parole officer. Understood?
Suited up and ready to play, coach.
Be on the five in field minutes.
Oh, God!
All right, listen up!
If you're not here to play football, clean out your lockers and leave now.
I like her tits.
You. You're in training as of right now. Put that out.
All right. I don't intend to coach a bunch of losers.
Now, if you're not willing to work hard...
She has a really cute ass, you know what I'm saying?
Guys, look-
I was raised on this sport. It's part of me.
I know that I can help you learn the game and win.
I think that with...
If we just learn to trust each other, there's nothing we can't do.
I mean, I'll help you. I'll be there.
I just need for you to give me a chance.
Now, what do you say?
Line up for calisthenics!
Do you guys want to play football or not?
Man, come on. Listen to her.
Come on!
We start out by stretching our hams. Right foot over left, and hang.
What is this? You said we were gonna play football.
- What's up with that? - You can't play if you get hurt.
- If you're not properly conditioned- - Zip that shit.
Tell us when you want us to play football, sweetheart.
- What's happening, fellas? - What you doing here, Bird? Are you lost?
So, you're the coach.
I am. Who are you?
Ain't no thing, baby. I'm just a football fan.
Don't be too rough on these girls, 'cause they really ain't got the stomachs...
for all that physical activity.
Hey, Bird. You got a Walkman?
I'm out of Walkmans, but I got Casios. Who wants a watch? Come see the Bird.
- Are they coming back? - If there's a scrimmage here tomorrow.
There will be a scrimmage here tomorrow at 4:00.
Do you want to show them up at scrimmage tomorrow?
- He's our quarterback. - They're the best guys we got.
All the more reason to run rings around them. Do you want to play football?
I can't hear you! Do you wanna play football?
Don't wear yourselves out.
I can't go back there tomorrow, it's a disaster.
I'll call Edwards tonight and tell him I can't do this.
- Darwell has a pool. - Darwell bought a pool?
No, he's got everybody betting on how long you'II last.
- Oh, God! - Is Wednesday a safe bet?
I want to forget this day.
All right, sweetie. Thanks for the lift.
- What's this? - Just a little something.
Thanks.
Mr. Edwards? Molly McGrath.
Not so good.
Actually, I wanted to tell you that...
I don't think that I'm...
That's not fair.
That it's not fair that I should be so lucky.
I just wanted to say thanks again for picking me.
Okay. See you tomorrow.
God, I even quit when I'm trying to quit.
15, 16...
17, 18...
19, 20. All right.
- What are you guys doing here? - You said there's a scrimmage today.
So take the field.
Yeah. Let's go, man.
All right, my guys, let's huddle up.
I can break his damn face.
Don't do that, man.
Let him play.
Stay in strong, right. Remember our first wrinkle, Peanut?
- I think so. - What are they doing?
Kissing her ass, most likely.
All right. Let's fire them up.
Watch this.
Break!
Look at Peanut. That twerp!
Yeah! Sure!
That shit's pretty good.
- Let's show them what football's all about. - Kill them.
Marvel, go deep. Phillips, run a post.
Let's take care of them. On you. Ready?
All right, let's go.
Blue. 22. Crush you.
Come on. Stop those wimps!
I'm getting tired of this shit, man. I'm going in.
- What are we going to run now? - Double reverse. I'll take it.
Why don't you just play quarterback?
I ain't seen you do no end-zone dancing.
Hey, come on. Somebody think of a good play. Let's go.
Run anything, but just stay out of my way.
All right. Left formation, double reverse on bean.
Try not to get me sacked this time, bumblehead.
Ready. Let's break!
That's on the chicken shit side.
Sorry about that, Coach. I was running my blocking assignment.
- I guess practice is over, Miss Coach? - Let's get out of here.
Hi, guys. Hi, Jeannie.
- Nice day at school, Mom? - Terrible.
- But I got it all figured out. - Yeah?
I'm gonna get my old job back at Prescott.
I'll be at the right place at the right time.
Remo won't last long with the JV, so, when he bombs out, Molly takes the field.
Don't look at me like that.
Going back to coaching girls' track is not exactly the same as quitting.
- Darwell hired somebody else for it today. - I'll kill him.
The problem with killing him though, is that it goes on your record.
It follows you everywhere.
Well, I can stick it out.
I'll bet she's getting in her van now, tears streaming down her face.
She's too stupid to know when to quit. But I hope she stays.
I only got a few more days before I get my hands on her.
You're full of shit, Trumaine.
What's the problem, man? She knows I got 10 pounds of dangling fury waiting for her.
I know she wants it. I can tell by the way she looks at me.
Put your pants on and listen up!
Baby, we were just talking about you.
Don't call me baby.
What did he say?
He says, "Yes, ma'am. "
My name is Coach McGrath.
If that's too much for you to remember, then just call me "Coach. "
- Hey, Coach? - Yes.
Why don't you quit, so we can get us a real coach?
Amen.
You don't get it.
I'm the only one who'll take this job.
You ain't good enough.
You want to get rid of me?
- You really want to get rid of me? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
Step outside.
If I drop before any one of you...
- you can tell me to go to hell. - We sure as hell will!
We'll help you pack your bags.
But...
if you quit before I do...
then from here on out, I call the shots.
- Got you! - We're coming up on you.
- We're gaining! - All right!
I'll bet you $50 the coach outruns them.
She's crazy if she thinks she can beat Trumaine or Cerulo.
They're fast.
I love it!
Call me and let me know who won.
What, you all leaving?
I'll see you all at the bank.
Here we go.
It's raining. Let's call it a draw, okay?
You quit, you lose.
I forgot to tell you.
- I ran the Boston Marathon. - Oh, shit.
Twice.
You owe me a new stopwatch!
You pussies!
Fuck you!
Fuck you, what?
Fuck you...
Coach McGrath.
Better!
Frank!
I'm sorry to barge in like this, but I heard about the little job change.
Would you mind getting out of here?
What is that on your eye?
Cheap mascara. Now get out of here.
Seriously, Molly, we have to talk.
- Give me a towel. - I'm not offended by nudity.
Give me a towel. A big towel, Frank.
So how are you doing in school?
- Fine. - Good.
Great.
Listen, I think it's terrific you care about this coaching job...
and it's great that the kids will benefit from your experience and expertise.
You called, I wasn't home, the school's in the ghetto...
and you started thinking about terrible things that could happen...
thereby causing you inconvenience.
So, you're here to tell me that you don't like me coaching at Central.
- I hate you coaching at Central. - Tough.
Excuse me? What did you just say?
I said, "Tough. "
So, school is fine, right?
That's terrific. That's just great.
You don't care about my opinion?
For the 10 years we were married, your opinion was my opinion!
For the four years we were divorced, your opinion was still my opinion.
- That's not true. - Now I want my opinion to be my opinion!
You don't even know what you're saying. I always gave you your own way.
- What? - That's right. You wanted a van, right?
- No, I didn't want a van! - Wait a second-
You wanted the van.
You wanted a van, we got a van!
I didn't want a van, you wanted it.
- So, are you getting ready for Halloween? - It's only September.
Oh, of course.
...go out and trade in that great little Valiant for that stupid van!
And now I have a van and I wish I had a Valiant!
That isn't polite.
I was just on my way to the kitchen to get some more water.
The kitchen is that way.
Stephanie?
Stephanie, hello.
Hello. Where's Frank?
- He left. - Oh, he left.
- What are you doing, Stephanie? - I was just waiting for you, Frank.
Come on, we're late. Let's go.
See you, Molly.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
I'm sorry, are you all right?
This is last year's schedule.
It's gone. Forget it.
You guys are better now.
Much better.
Now, tomorrow's our first game.
Forget the past.
Concentrate on tomorrow...
and don't be nervous tonight.
- You okay, Mommy? - I'm fine, sweetie. Thank you.
You can sleep in my bed with me if you're scared, Mommy.
I'm all right, sweetie.
Good night.
Let's rock, let's rock come on and boogie
Boogie down, boogie down Wildcats are the best around
Boogie down, boogie down we'll run those Cougars out of town
Boogie down
Let's rock!
Okay, listen up.
Listen up. How can we concentrate if they keep ringing that fucking bell!
If they're the Cougars, how come they got a goat?
What are we bitching about? We got a dog dressed like a cat.
Can we talk about the game for a minute?
Okay. Jet, red right. 29-Z reverse.
Speak English. Nobody understands that code shit except you.
Marvel, you go ahead, come back. I'll give it to you.
You give it to Trumaine. Trumaine, you run upfield, okay?
- On "whore. " Ready? - Break!
Black. 24. Black. 24. Your mother's a whore!
When we go with the veer...
you've got to hand off to the fullback...
unless the tackle commits to the inside.
Their tackles have been forcing the play.
So you've got to read the outside linebacker.
If he commits to you, then pitch to Marvel around the end.
We're four points behind. We can push right past them, right?
You don't sound very convinced. Don't you guys have any pride?
- Yeah! - Don't you have any guts at all?
- Yeah! - All right, then. Get out and get tough!
- Yeah! - Get mean!
Those Cougars will be furballs when we're finished.
Let's go eat some pussy!
Red. 26. Red. 26.
The Cougars are dicks!
All right, come on, guys. Good game.
Central, y'all still some rookies.
Good game, Cerulo.
Way to go, Kru. Hey, you guys played a great game!
All right, we'll do better next week.
Give it up, Central!
- Nice game. - Yeah, right.
Congratulations. Good luck.
Good game, Coach.
- You'd better watch some more pros play! - Hey, Mom!
So we lost yesterday.
The important thing is, you played a good game.
- Don't blow smoke up our ass. - I wouldn't do that.
Especially not up yours, Cerulo.
You guys have to remember, we've got nine more games before the season's over.
So we've got to get more disciplined, work harder and get more organized.
Cerulo, cut it out.
- What's this? - These are your playbooks.
I'll put a play up there, you'll write it in your books.
I want you to memorize it, take it, because you'll be tested on it.
- Cerulo, okay? - It ain't me, Coach. I'm innocent.
You stole the Cougars' goat?
- Edwards. - Edwards? His name's Edwards?
Principal Edwards.
- Welcome to our locker room. - Right.
I thought you all played a fairly decent game yesterday.
Make that about 200 percent more decent...
and we can start having some victory parties around here.
We're working on it, aren't we boys?
Thanks for coming down.
I got a call from the principal over at Jackson High.
It seems they're missing their goat.
I don't suppose anybody around here would know about that, would they?
What did you say, Coach?
My guys wouldn't know anything about that, would we?
Good...
because if it's not returned today...
any person remotely connected with the disappearance of that goat...
will be summarily expelled.
That gets me steamed.
Right.
I'm sorry I interrupted your meeting.
A joke's a joke.
You guys are old enough to be responsible for your own actions.
I want a volunteer right now on who will take that goat back, okay?
Who's it going to be?
Good goat.
Good little goat.
Stay here, baby.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, baby. What's this?
I got hungry, so I fixed myself dinner.
Chocolate chip is not what I call dinner.
Where's Alice?
I'll fix you dinner in a minute.
- Hi, Molly. - Jeannie! New hairdo?
- Yeah, do you hate it? - No, but I think it really looks terrible.
Great, no old person has liked it yet. We're going to the library.
- I'll take you. - You don't have to.
We got sick of waiting around, so I called my mom. She'll pick us up.
I'm not that late. I can still drive you.
Jeannie's mom will take us.
I'll take you.
First I have to fix you something to eat.
I can't believe she didn't say anything about it.
She must really hate it.
She just doesn't care.
I'm going to fix you a nice dinner before you leave.
I don't want a nice dinner.
That's my mom.
Mom, I don't want to eat. I just want to go to the library, okay?
I'll take you after you eat.
- We're going. - No, you're not.
Jeannie, you may go. Alice, you'll stay here and eat your dinner.
See you tomorrow.
You don't even care if I do bad at school.
It's all your fault you came home late and we didn't have any supper.
All you care about are those stupid boys.
You don't even care about my hair. You didn't even notice it.
I hate you.
Alice, open the door.
Okay, I hate your hair.
I really, really hate your hair.
I didn't want to be one of those mothers who doesn't understand.
But I didn't.
So I guess I am.
What?
I wanted to be able to talk calmly about your hair.
Marian, come here, honey.
You are the most important people in my life.
Much more important than any football team.
If that's true, why do you play with them instead of making us dinner?
I was late because I had to do the shopping.
I am now a football coach...
and I want to be the best one I can possibly be...
just like I want you to be the best at whatever you decide to do.
I want to be a helicopter pilot.
Don't be stupid, Marian, you can't be a helicopter pilot.
Of course she can. She can be anything she wants to be, if she works at it.
So can you.
So can I.
Daddy says you're going to quit.
He did, huh?
Well, he's wrong.
I'm not going to quit. I'm going to see this through...
but I need you to help me.
- Can you do that? - Okay.
Alice?
Okay, sweetie.
- Principal Edwards. - Coach McGrath.
The goat showed up at Jackson High.
Must have been catting around, I guess.
I thought you'd be pleased to hear it.
You don't look pleased.
Krushinski told me about last year's quarterback, Lavender Williams.
- Levander. - Yes, the accent's on the second syllable.
- You know him? - We have this hate/hate relationship.
You didn't show me his stats. I'd like to see them.
I figured no sense in having your mouth water...
for food you'll never get your fork into.
- Are you saying I can't get him to play? - I think that's what he's saying, Coach.
- Right. - I'd like to see his stats anyway.
Just for the heck of it.
Okay, I'll dig them out for you.
Let's see here. Say, Krushinski...
are you stepping down as quarterback?
It's like I can run good and throw good.
I just can't...
run and throw good.
- I'm thinking I want the team to win. - Right.
- Wow. - I told you he was good.
He's also a criminal and chronically truant.
I didn't know he was sick.
What class would he be in about now?
About now, he'd be in 11-A English.
However, I seriously doubt if he's in 11-A English.
- Could I have his address? - You don't want to go there.
- Is Levander Williams here? - No.
- Where is he? - At Maurice's.
Where's Maurice's?
Yeah, he's here a lot. He's one of my suppliers.
But he ain't here now.
Say, lady, is that your van outside?
You ought to consider stepping up to some genuine wire-wheeled hubcaps.
No, thanks. I don't care for any-
I was wondering if you know where Levander Williams is?
These beauties would cost you $400 anywhere else in town.
But since you're a friend of Levander's...
they're yours, installed, $80.
If you could just tell me where I might find Levander...
$65.
That's below wholesale, lady.
- Whose ball? - It's mine.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Please, just continue doing what you were doing.
I was told that I would find a Levander Williams here.
I'm Levander Williams.
No, I'm Levander Williams.
What?
All right. All kidding aside...
I really need to find Levander.
- He's about 18- - I can show you about 18.
- Ain't no thing, let's go. - Bird.
Man, what are you doing in here, lady?
You're Levander, aren't you?
- I got an appointment to get to. - Wait, Bird. I have to talk to you.
I've been chasing after you for two hours.
- At least give me five minutes. - My playing days are over, lady.
What's up, man?
- Three minutes. - No.
- I really need to talk to you. - Bird, step into my office.
Let me handle this.
Look here, our car won't start.
We were wondering if you could give us a ride...
- to my mother's house. - You and Levander can chat on the way.
All right.
Nice hubcaps.
- How much did you pay for them? - $65.
You were robbed.
I ain't got time for football. I'm working on another career.
Take the next right.
If you're as good as your stats say...
then we could attract college scouts.
That could mean a scholarship.
- Yeah, over here. - Is this where his mother lives?
Yeah, she got sick of the suburbs.
We play Dearborn next week. AII I need to beat them is a passer.
Give me the keys. Come on!
Shit!
- He said that key would work. - Did you see me try it? Did the door open?
You can't trust Jimmy. He's a criminal.
I got sick of losing every week.
Last year you didn't have a decent coach. Now you've got me...
and I'm good!
Excuse me, what are you doing?
The key my mother gave me doesn't work. So we've got to go through a window.
Yeah, wait a minute.
He can't walk around on my van. He's going to cave it in.
Can you wait till your mother comes home?
His mother's in the hospital and needs her nightgown or she won't let them operate.
It's her lucky nightgown.
I can't let him walk on my van. He's too heavy.
I'm not playing football, so we have something in common.
Look, if you get down...
- I'll get up, okay? - That's fresh!
- That's cool, man. - Not cool.
Get her down. We'll do this later.
We do this now, Bird. It'll take just a minute.
I said we'll come back later. Without her.
Oh, my God!
Come on, man, let's go! You better come down, lady.
Hold on, man.
- Drop. - I can't!
Lady, come on. I'll catch you. Now, drop!
Oh, my God! What's happening?
- Bird, I'm in a trash can! - Be quiet.
You want me to be quiet?
I'll tell you what.
- You get my van back. - No problem. Now, shut up.
- Get back what I paid for those hubcaps. - I'll talk to Maurice. Be quiet.
And you play for Central or I start screaming.
Now, lady, look, that place belonged to the biggest fence in town.
The stuff was all stolen. I just wanted to return it to the rightful owners.
- We're in here! - Are you crazy?
Shut up.
If you play football...
my lips are sealed.
You know what this is, don't you?
This is extortion.
That's an ugly charge, Bird.
True, but ugly.
Right!
Left!
That's the Bird. I didn't think he'd play this year.
Shake that ass!
- I'm here. - Line up.
It's like this. You guys are so pitiful that I said, "Bird, stop these losers...
"from embarrassing themselves all over town. "
Street life treating you well?
What's the matter, Bird? Doesn't crime pay anymore?
So that's it, huh?
I guess I'm not the quarterback anymore?
I guess not.
Did I ever tell you what a good slotback I am?
You're hired.
Thanks, Kru.
Way to push through!
You're right, Kru! You're a great slotback!
All right, last chance.
Rocket, slot left, A-back post.
It was a great game.
Victory parties sure beat the hell out of defeat parties, don't they?
I'll go get a drink. When I come back, you better not be flirting with anyone.
Don't case my house, okay?
Are you suggesting I'm a criminal?
You girls did a great job.
That mascot costume you made for your dog is a bad motherfucker.
- Thank you. - Hi, guys. Where are your knapsacks?
Go get them. Your daddy will be here in a minute.
Let's go!
No drinking! Hand it over.
- Coach, it's nonalcoholic. - It's plenty alcoholic.
- I'll take that, Coach. - No, you won't.
Sorry, homeboy. This is a private party.
Excuse me. Is Molly here?
Oh, you mean Coach? She's right over there.
What's your name and favorite sexual position, sweet thing?
Frank?
- It's nonalcoholic. - I don't want to hear about it.
Molly! What's going on here?
Don't be grabbing the coach like that!
It's a victory party, Frank. We won against Dearborn.
Great! Is this how you celebrate...
drinking beer with your players?
I wasn't drinking the beer. They were. I mean, I was taking it away from them.
Fine. I hope this comes out.
You know how Ultrasuede stains.
- Daddy! - Hi, sweetheart!
Peanut gave us drinks, and said President Muffley's costume...
was a bad motherfucker.
Well, it was.
'Bye, Mom. See you Sunday.
Oh, my God!
What the hell's the matter with you?
She's here five days and you let her turn into a Martian!
You didn't think I'd find you?
Hey, let go of her!
What are you doing, man? What happened?
Sweetie, are you all right?
- Frank, her nose is bleeding. - Sweetheart, are you okay?
- You better stay back, all of you! - Everybody just stop, okay?
Anybody who messes with me or my kids gets hurt.
Hey, what's going on?
Frank, what are you doing?
You can't come to my house and start slugging people!
- Are you all right? - The party must be winding down.
I'm sorry. I thought you were one of them.
I am.
Come on, sweetie.
There you have it.
It'll be okay, sweetheart.
Are you okay, honey? We'll get an ice pack. Is my hair okay?
Everything was fine until you got here.
That's a matter of opinion, Molly. I admit I may have been remiss...
about spending time with my girls, but I cannot be remiss about this.
- What's that supposed to mean? - You'll see.
His lawyer seems to have said it pretty succinctly.
My job is endangering the safety and welfare of the children?
- That's unbelievable. - Lawyers like to write threatening letters.
Don't get too upset about it.
Your dad would have been proud to see you now.
This is the game ball from the last game we played together.
Walt, could we not talk about football?
Does Frank have a chance of getting custody?
I seriously doubt it.
Even if they play rough and go to court, it wouldn't happen for months.
Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.
Just keep doing what you've been doing.
I understand you've won three football games in a row.
- I can't lose my girls, Walt. - Let me worry about that.
You worry about winning football games.
You can serve anytime you're ready.
I'm sorry.
4:00. My court. Molly. Didn't know it was you.
- Anyway, your time's up. - Mr. Warmth.
I hear your Central boys won their last game. Congratulations.
My Central boys won their last three games, thanks.
You haven't played any decent teams. Wait till you play McKinley and Lincoln.
- Wait till we go up against Prescott. - Too bad you're not on our schedule.
Assuming you make the AII-City Championship, that is.
That was good, Moll.
Just remember, you can't win a pissing contest from a prick.
You know something? This whole thing about letting you coach, it wasn't serious.
It was like a prank. Now I'm sorry I had anything to do with it.
You're too thick-headed to realize you're making high-school sports...
look stupid.
So you won a few games. You're a laughingstock.
You're the joke of Chicago and you don't even know it.
They say we're a laughingstock. They say we're the joke of Chicago.
Don't get mad. Get even!
U- G-L-Y, and you ain't got no alibi
You ugly. What?
You ugly
You ain't human Your mama said you ugly
U- G-L-Y, no you ain't got no alibi
You ugly. What?
You ugly!
- I thought you said our deal was for $5? - No, sir.
$6 gets you an English paper. Science papers got diagrams. That's $8.
Make it $7, and you can cut in front of me at lunch.
- $7.50, and I get your dessert? - Deal.
Williams. $8.
Get out of here. Give it to me. What is it, History?
How about a nice watch? What's your momma want? A Crock-Pot?
- Cash. - How about a nice answering machine?
Remote?
Compact-disc player?
- How do you do? I'm Phillip Finch. - What are you doing, Phillip Finch?
Just helping your young men satisfy their academic requirements.
- Take a walk, Finch. - Walking.
Your mama says you ugly
All right. We've got 10 seconds to go. Get Trumaine in a man-to-man.
Go jet, slot right, 84 post.
All right, let's go. Go get them!
All right, Cerulo, you're a genius!
Mr. Ruff, thank you very much. You really gave us a run for our money.
- You're a miracle worker. You did it! - We're in the play-offs!
You did it, Coach. We're number one!
- Two? - I have no voice.
You are definitely off the opera circuit for at least a week.
Sure that's all you want? How about some tapioca pudding?
First, thanks for meeting me. I know we can talk this thing out.
This stuff with lawyers, and letters going back and forth...
who wants it?
I acted rashly. I'm a big boy, I can admit it.
But you can't blame me, can you?
Let's not argue, okay?
I didn't come here to argue. I came to make peace through a little plan.
Moll, I believe Chatham will provide the stability that our girls need right now.
Stephanie went there. I think you'll agree she turned out pretty well.
It's a little on the conservative side...
but it's very forward-thinking, too. You're going to love it.
Every year there's a Greek pageant where the girls wear togas...
and read from the works of Plato, Aristotle, and Socrates.
It's very exciting.
What did you say, dear?
She just yawned, Mrs. Chatham. She has laryngitis.
One of my favorites. I love Heraclitus.
Why, of course we can get you something to eat.
Did Frank tell you about the rather daring experiment...
we're going to try in our physical education program?
No, I haven't gotten to that part yet.
Jazzercise.
You know, dancing and prancing to jazz?
You can even pick your jazz selections. Within reason, of course.
The girls could only go here if you took over the physical education program.
- What? - I know how busy you've been...
so I took the burden of finding a job for you.
I know the guys in the team will be upset, but blame it on me.
I've got broad shoulders.
You motherfucker!
- What did she say? - She said she'd think about it.
Hey, Angelique!
You want me to put a Cerulo mark on your locker?
Do what?
He puts dents in lockers with his head. It's his most intelligent-
Shut up, Finch. So how about it? Mucho dents on Bobby's locker.
- I wouldn't do it if I were you, Cerulo. - I would.
Watch this.
Gym lockers are at least nine inches longer than these.
That results in a lower coefficient of rigidity.
- What are you talking about? - You will fail to make a dent...
- and you'll probably get a concussion. - $5.
- You, as they say, are on. - That's good.
Cerulo, I got $5 on you.
Go for it.
He's all right. He's okay, man.
- He's going down. - No, he's all right.
No dent. I win.
Finch, what are you doing?
Cerulo? What happened to Cerulo?
He tried to beat the laws of physics and lost.
Get the nurse. You'd better be all right.
- He owes me $5. - And you owe me one player.
That must be what they mean by letting it all hang out!
How did your folks let you get like this?
Are you kidding? He probably ate his folks.
Coach, you can't be serious about letting him play.
If we lose this game, we're out of the championships.
At last, the voice of reason.
No offense, guys, but we need some size on the line...
- and Finch does have size. - No way I'm going to play...
unless a suitable fee can be negotiated before gametime.
You are partly responsible for what happened to Cerulo.
You're going to play, or I'll have you suspended for gambling.
How about a small fee?
Let's get ourselves into the championship! Let's go!
Come on, we gotta get on down
Football, get down!
Hello, there. Hey, don't mind me.
- Hut! - It's all yours.
Call time-out!
Bird! Time-out! Let's go.
Time-out! Damn it, Finch.
- Coach wants you to the sideline, man. - You go on. I'll wait here.
Coach, Finch is playing like the other team's paying his fee.
Next play, trip his fat capitalist ass. Now, tell Peanut.
Okay guys, listen up.
We're going to go red right, snake motion, quarterback draw. On two.
- Ready? - Break!
How are you enjoying the game thus far?
Hut!
Way to go, Finch!
I'm flattered you came to see high school ball.
- I wish I could say I came for the game. - What's wrong?
Frank got a little hot about that Chatham School thing.
He's wangled a hearing.
- God, Walt, you said that- - Don't get yourself all upset.
Don't get upset? That means I have to go to court now?
Unless you feel like changing your mind about taking that job at Chatham.
The AII-City League has a rule that players have to maintain...
a C average for eligibility?
I have information from a reliable source that these Central players are ineligible.
Dan, you've opened my eyes to a very serious problem.
I have to punch these young men's grades up on the computer.
We should be getting our computers in, say...
two years?
I guess I'm wasting my time.
I'd heard you were a stickler for the rules, like me.
I don't give a shit if your team's legal, 'cause my boys will beat you.
I just thought you'd like to take action as a matter of principle.
What are you looking at?
That jacket.
That's a beautiful jacket, but there's something missing.
- What? - An ID badge.
As you know, nobody's allowed here without one. Since you don't have one...
I guess that means that you're not here.
'Cause if you were here...
I'd have to have you arrested. I am a stickler for the rules.
Do you think you can get away with treating me like this?
Right.
Frank has no case.
The girls aren't in any danger. What's he going to say?
"I don't like my ex-wife teaching in the ghetto?"
Walt says that every time you go to court, you take a risk.
I can't risk losing my girls.
Then give up. Quit your job here and teach at Chatham.
You're right on course, Coach. Straight ahead.
You think I should?
I think you've already made up your mind to quit.
The thing is, if you have, then tell them now.
Good game today, Coach.
Because if you don't, they'll see it in your face.
We gather tonight...
to celebrate the impending and inevitable...
All-City Championship...
which will be won by Prescott High School.
Just a second.
This isn't school spirit I'm hearing, is it?
If this is school spirit, I must be in the wrong place.
I thought I was at Central. I'm sorry.
I must be dreaming.
But I'll take full credit for this change...
because it was I alone, with no help from anyone else...
who hired Coach Molly McGrath.
Whose team, I might hasten to add...
will be wearing new uniform jerseys, thanks to those of you...
who finally bought the last of the peanut brittle.
What do you say we get her up here, huh?
Make a path for Coach McGrath!
I feel so lucky...
to have been able to coach...
such a fine football team.
You didn't say that when school opened.
We got off to a slow start because-
Because we're a bunch of fuck-ups!
We're having a great season this year.
Next year, we go undefeated. Right, Coach?
Let's take one season at a time, okay?
You're a great bunch of guys.
So thanks, and-
You haven't talked long enough.
Bird, don't give me a hard time, okay?
No, Coach, I'm serious.
According to this watch, you've only talked one minute...
32 and 15/100 of a second. Here, look for yourself.
Why did you take it out of the box?
What is it?
It's a new car. What's it look like?
Read the back.
"Coach.
"We owe you. Love from your pussies. "
Speech! Speech!
I don't know what else to say. Except I want to see every one of you...
on that field next week while we're playing against Prescott...
'cause we're going to kick some ass!
What's happening here?
I'm a little wasted on punch.
Are you sure you're all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
If your mother sees you like this she's gonna turn your ass...
- the same color as your hair. - Let's take her home.
Time for you to go.
I want to go back to the party.
Marva! Trumaine!
Did you ask your uncle before you took his car?
He lets me drive it any time I want.
Then why did you have to hot-wire it?
- Where's Alice? - She was around somewhere.
- Coach, how about a ride? - I have to find Alice.
- Trumaine took her to your house. - Trumaine?
Verna!
I don't want to got to bed. It's not my bedtime.
Mom usually lets me stay up till 1:00 or 2:00 or 3:00.
We'll hang around until Coach gets here, okay?
Hello, Stephanie, you stick...
get my dad on the phone. I want to tell him what I think about Chatham.
Frank, slow down.
You're going to get a ticket and ruin your perfect driving record.
Do you know state law requires seat belts in the front and rear?
Shut up, Finch.
Yeah, honey!
Oh, shit! Every time I...
What are you doing here?
One of us should be here when our daughter is drunk and alone.
Things aren't always as bad as they seem.
And then again, sometimes they're even worse.
- Hi. How are you all doing? - What the hell is going on here?
Trumaine, what is going on?
Alice needed a ride home and we took her.
We were just watching TV till you guys got back.
She's upstairs, sleeping.
Honey?
Homegirl, what's happening?
This won't be happening at Chatham, I promise.
You just try to send me to Chatham, and I'll dye my whole face purple.
That's it, Molly, I'm not putting up with this anymore.
Outside, Frank.
- I've got it under control. Let me handle it. - That's the joke of the year.
Alice is passed out, you're out partying, and these two are screwing on your sofa.
We were not! Not when you came in, we weren't.
Trumaine and Marva...
why don't you go on home now? Thanks for bringing Alice back.
- You're sure? - Yeah, take off.
- Molly, I'm getting custody of the girls. - You don't have to drive me home, Coach.
- You've lost your grip on reality. - You can pay for a cab.
You've lost control of what goes on in your own house!
$20 should do it, maybe $15.
You've got guts galore threatening me with losing custody.
I took care of Marian when she had the croup.
I was the one who comforted Alice when she had nightmares...
for six months after you left!
I blew up a house full of balloons for your daughter's fourth birthday...
which you didn't even show up at.
Don't tell me that I've lost my grip on reality!
I can't lose my grip on reality. I'm submerged up to here in reality!
Would you just stop being so dramatic?
If I didn't think you'd use it against me, I'd punch your face in.
- I'll do it for $10. - Keep your fat ass out of this!
No charge.
I can feel the rotation of the earth.
You're plastered, Alice.
Walt, shouldn't we be whispering, too?
Shouldn't we be doing something?
We're on our own 10-yard line. We may have to punt, Molly.
Don't use football analogies now. Talk like a lawyer, okay?
The most serious allegations are that your older daughter Alice...
was injured in a fight, which occurred during a party held at your home...
on the night of September 30...
and that minors were seen there drinking beer.
And that your older daughter became intoxicated...
at another party attended by you and was then driven home by a couple...
whom your ex-husband saw having intercourse...
in your living room.
The way they make it sound, I'd rule against me.
The opera isn't over until the fat lady sings.
What does that mean?
Would Miss McGrath care to make a statement...
before I rule on this petition?
She would, Your Honor.
Just drive straight up the middle.
Your Honor, Alice and Marian...
are more valuable to me than anything.
I love them very much.
Your love for your children is not at issue here.
This is a hearing to determine what is best for the welfare of the children.
He says I'm not the best for my own children and he's wrong.
Mr. Needham merely claims...
that Miss McGrath's job as a football coach at Central High...
is jeopardizing the safety and well-being of his daughters.
That's not true.
Further, he even tried to reach a compromise.
He arranged for a job for Miss McGrath at a very fine school...
which their daughters would attend.
An offer she rejected with a profanity, which I won't repeat in court.
Now, wait just a second.
He tried to trick me into quitting the one thing that I took pride in doing...
in order to teach Jazzercise to a bunch of overprivileged girls...
so I called him a motherfucker...
which is linguistically correct...
because I'm a mother...
and used to...
Your Honor, I'd like to break testimony now...
and introduce into the record some character witness testimony.
If it's relevant, I will hear the witness.
What are you doing?
- Who's this? - It's the football team.
Are you all character witnesses?
We promise to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That's no lie.
See, Your Honor...
if it please the court, it's wrong to take Marian and Alice away from Coach.
- I wish I had a mother half as good as her. - You wish you had a mother.
This is serious. Cerulo, chill.
- May I approach the bench? - Yes.
The point is, Coach McGrath cost me a lot of money...
because ever since I've been playing football for her...
I've been totally straight.
She told us if we fouled up...
we were off the team.
Any wool good-looking as yourself...
shouldn't be wasting her time.
Easy, pops. Wait your turn.
I'll bet me and you can work this out.
Don't you got a chamber around here where we can go and-
Mr. Coes, I'm sorry, I don't see where this testimony is relevant.
It's relevant right fucking here.
Order! Order!
You suckers think you're bad?
Keep it up, and I'll hold you in contempt of court!
Now, sit down, turkeys!
See what you did, man?
If Miss McGrath persists in associating with this team...
then petitioner must request not only immediate custody...
but that she forfeit visitation privileges during the football season...
and that the children be enjoined from attending games...
or otherwise associating with team members at any time.
- Further- - Wait, wait, stop.
All right, Frank, you win.
Next semester, I quit coaching and I teach at Chatham.
Now call this thing off, okay?
Take it quick.
- You jumped out of bounds. - Shut up.
I can't risk losing my girls.
The plaintiff accepts respondent's offer.
Ms. McGrath, are you sure this is what you want?
Yes.
May I leave now?
This hearing is closed.
- Not too shabby, huh? - Yeah.
Congratulations. You did a wonderful job.
I'll bring the girls to the game.
Ms. McGrath, good luck tomorrow.
Thanks.
Hey, you guys! I looked all over for you at the candy counter.
Come on, gotta get on down Football, get down
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
- Damn! - Hut!
Knock his dick in the dirt!
Coach Goose and her Velvet Pussies.
I'm a funny guy.
I can't hear you!
Hut!
Hike!
Bubble his snout!
Come on!
You're all right, son. Get up. You got 20 minutes to shake it off.
Peanut?
It's a rough game. The kids get hurt 'cause they're trained...
for girls' track, not football.
Why don't you eat shit and die?
- Are you all right, Peanut? - As long as I don't have to get up, ever.
We're two TDs behind. We can get them back.
Bird, three times Trumaine was wide open.
I couldn't see from the bottom of the pile I was under.
You saying something about my blocking?
Is that what you call it?
Shut up before I rag your face.
It's nobody's fault. They're champions, and we're dildos.
- What do you want to do? Quit? - Why not?
It worked for you.
What's that supposed to mean? I sent plays in. You just didn't execute.
I see. This is about yesterday.
Great.
I suppose you think I was chicken shit for what I did in court, huh?
I suppose you think I got beat because I was afraid to fight.
Yeah, you do.
You figure if your coach is such a loser, it gives you the right to be losers, too.
Doesn't it?
Coach, where you going?
Frank! The deal's off.
You're not sending our girls to some school they don't wanna go to...
and you're not taking them away from me!
And I'm not quitting my job here either.
If that's not okay with you, sue me...
and I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court.
Don't make her give up the kids, Frank.
Let her have the kids, you worm.
Stay out of this!
I don't want to be a quitter anymore.
I don't want our girls to see a quitter.
For them...
not for me.
Okay. We'll work it out.
We'll work it out? We'll work it out!
One more condition. Second half, you got to cheer.
- Oh, God. - Supreme Court, Frank!
I'll cheer. Maybe you'd like to take them for the second half.
You bet. Come on, benchwarmers!
- Lady, you our coach? - Yeah, I'm still your coach.
Tell us what to do.
Win, you turkeys!
Hut!
You guys are pitiful! You're morons!
Turn it out. Let's go!
Line up fast!
- Set! - Get a hit!
Go! Go!
This is getting to be a really good game.
Okay, all right. Great, guys! I love you.
Alonzo, you make this point, every girl in the free world will want you.
Turn it out!
Use those cleats! Maim them!
I hate football!
Hut!
No problem.
Hut!
Get him!
Let's go!
All right! Beautiful!
Way to go, Central! All right!
You don't really have to cheer. It wasn't a court order.
This is a great game.
Block for the guy! Will you block for the guy?
Excuse me, Coach.
- Get this guy out of here. - That's okay. See, I'm not with them.
I won't play unless they pay me.
- Pay you? - Right. Consider me neutral.
Get rid of this guy, will you?
You want some advice?
You're being humiliated. You should give up.
Get out of my face, you fat fuck!
Come on, girls! Come on!
Cover two, Peanut!
I want to play, Coach.
- What? - I want to play.
Not now, Finch. Put a hat on, somebody!
I want to play.
Yeah, all right! Watch the screen!
Dawson, slide down!
Here's $10. Put me in.
Dan, take a look. McGrath.
$15?
Finch, put your money away!
- Defense! Defense! - Come on, Walt!
They got less than a minute.
If they kick a field goal, Prescott's ahead 24 to 21...
all the yelling's not going to help.
Time!
You miss this kick, you'll be running laps for life. Now, move.
- It's not over till the gun sounds! - Right on!
Defense! Defense!
Get your body between the ball and the goal post.
Go on.
- What are you doing? - Here's the $15 I owe you.
Get out there!
She's putting that fat guy in.
Keep that super spirit up
You gonna stomp tonight Hey, hey, hey
I love my guys. Beautiful. A finely-trained killing machine.
Hut!
My God!
Go, baby!
Run, Bird.
That fat guy got paid! I protest!
- Good game, man. - This is not over. That guy got paid!
- Good game, Dan. - This isn't over. She paid him!
Are you crazy?
He's probably got the money on him now. Search his pockets!
A football uniform doesn't have pockets.
- It's in his jock! - Oh, my God.
- Search his jock! - I'm not searching his jock.
- Then you're off the team. - I'm a senior. No problem.
I'll do it myself!
If you're searching his jock, I'd rather you'd shake my hand first.
It's in here somewhere! I saw it!
Let me down, you pea-brained son of a bitch!
Finch, put him down.
Not until he shakes your hand like a gentleman.
I'll never shake her hand!
If he doesn't want to shake my hand, then he doesn't have to. It's okay.
Do you wish to be a hand shaker or a shot put?
Thanks, Dan. Okay, Finch, you can put him down now.
All the way down!
Come on, Coach, it's party time. We gonna get down tonight!
Not at my house!
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