(silence)
(gentle music)
(fire crackling)
(thumping music)
- Hi, I'm Dalton Fingers
and welcome to Channel 12 News this evening.
We're bringing you our breaking story.
Pervo the Clown, rockstar, playboy, and award-winning actor,
has been arrested again this evening
for running naked through the streets of Newcastle
chasing one of our news reporters.
So let's head downtown where we've got
Jessica Swallows on location.
So for the viewers at home, can you tell us
a little bit more about the incidents that Pervo
has been finding himself in?
- Absolutely. Obviously Pervo's rise to fame
was quite meteoric in the past 12 months.
Since he rescued that group of women from the satanic cult,
he was really set in the hearts and minds of the nation.
However, after all that partying and hard-core living,
he had to go into rehab for alcohol addiction
and drug problems, and after that we thought
he was back on track, but unfortunately tonight's events
have shown that perhaps he's not anymore.
- [Dalton] Yes. but Pervo is
a very crazy character in himself.
I mean, his autobiography was entitled,
"Pervo the Clown, Show Me Your Tits."
Tonight wasn't his first arrest.
He was arrested several weeks ago
in a police sting operation.
- Unfortunately, there was a sting operation in place
where Pervo didn't realize that there were several
undercover police officers posing as prostitutes,
and, unfortunately, when he started asking to cover themselves
in custard and lay themselves all across him,
that was when the police officers were not willing
to go any further.
- Mm, and I also believe that when he was arrested he had
various erotic objects inserted in him.
Can you tell me more about that, please?
- There were several objects attached to Pervo
as he was pulled away from the undercover police women.
Several of them have, did actually take an actual doctor
to remove, so he had to go to hospital to get that done.
But hopefully he seems to be okay now, physically,
we're not quite sure about mentally as of yet.
- Well, that's great Jessica. Thank you very much.
Jessica Swallows, ladies and gentlemen.
Who knows what's next for Pervo the Clown?
But from me, that's all there is tonight.
And remember, ladies...
Dalton...
Fingers.
(tense music)
(rock music)
* They came out of nowhere
* Covered in gore
* On a mission from Satan
* They're evil to the core
* Fucked up and crazy
* Eyes burning hate
* Bleeding all over
* They'll have your head on a plate *
* It's all been really calm now *
* They're really fucking vicious *
* Wicked and malicious
* They wanna destroy
* And take a bite of me
* Calling for blood
* Looking for meat
* Godforsaken heathens
* Don't turn up the heat
* It's all been really calm now *
- Someone's been a bad little boy, haven't they?
(shrieking loudly)
And what do we do with bad little boys?
Pain.
(screaming)
(loud slapping)
(laughing)
- Ooh, where's my sexy clown man?
- Oh Mother, would you stop your obsession
with that murdering toe-rag?
I told you, we're gonna kill your sexy clown man.
- Why are we gonna kill my sexy clown man?
- I told you this a thousand times before.
He killed our entire family.
My dad, your husband, remember.
My brother and sisters.
Your children.
He deserves to die.
- No no, my sexy clown man wouldn't kill anyone.
- She doesn't remember a thing, does she?
- Uh uh.
- Anyway, why aren't you downstairs making the punch
for the party?
- I was, but Uncle Cuthbert kept getting in the way.
- What's Uncle Cuthbert doing here?
He's meant to be going to the TV station to meet Pervo.
- Is he?
- Oh my God, that was the first part of the plan!
- The plan.
What plan?
- So, what we're going to do is we're gonna to invite Pervo
and a load of his friends to a big party
where we're going to lure them in with a group of sexy girls
called the Pervettes.
And then, whilst he's busy partying, we're going to
infect the girls with our virus,
hidden in some delicious punch,
which will turn them into brain-dead zombies
so that they can kill all of Pervo's friends,
just like he killed our family.
So, for the fifth and final time,
do you guys understand?
(laughing)
(shouting)
Oh, my God!
Oh, you can't remember a thing,
'cause you were all too busy messing about as usual.
Right, get Uncle Cuthbert and go to the garage immediately.
(laughing)
I'll be finished with him shortly.
(tense music)
(loud whining)
(laughing)
Brace yourself, big boy.
(shrieking)
- Right, where were we?
- We don't care. We just want paying so we can go.
- You'll get paid, don't worry.
Anyway, it hasn't been three hours yet, has it?
- Not quite.
- Well, how long we got left?
- 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes. Shit, right, everyone in the bathroom.
Come on.
- Why's the tub full of baked beans?
- No, madam, no.
Listen madam, I can assure you we do not allow
that kind of thing in this hotel.
And we definitely don't allow that.
Madam, please. Okay madam, I will sort it out, of course.
Thank you for your call.
I'm gonna tear him a new asshole.
(very loud music)
I am sick of this. Every time.
What the hell's going on in there?
- Nowt.
Now fuck off.
- Get out of my way.
What the hell is this?
- Hi!
- Are they hookers?
- No.
- We only agreed to have you back here
'cause your manager guaranteed you'd have a carer with you.
- A carer? I'm not a fucking retard.
- I beg to differ.
- Well, I've paid for the room.
- No you haven't. Your card's been declined.
Now pick up yer stuff and get out.
- Ah, he's not going anywhere until we get our money.
- Did somebody say money?
- Oh, shit.
- Pervo the motherfucking clown.
Why am I not surprised to see you here?
- You still in the closet, eh, Nick?
- And just where the fuck do you think
you're going, sunshine?
- Have you met Stacey?
He's the new muscle. My love muscle, so to speak.
- His name's Stacey.
- Yes it is.
Of course, if you've got a problem with that,
you wanna take it up with him.
- Excuse me, but who the hell do you think you are?
- My name is Nick the Dick, motherfucker.
Nick is my name and wasting motherfuckers is my game.
Now where's my money, bitch?
Now listen very closely.
The next words out of your mouth are what I wanna hear,
or Stacey here is gonna rip your balls off.
Now, what have you got to say for yourself?
- Boris!
- What?
- Boris!
- Boris?
- Who the fuck is Boris?
(loud thumping)
- Hey hey, good stuff mate, come on.
- Can I smell beans?
- Oh, you've got that TV interview to do, anyway.
- See you, girls.
- Fuck off, little dick.
- Little dick.
(laughing)
- What is it with you and fucking beans?
(tense music)
(repeated gunshots)
(maniacal laughing)
- Okay, calm down, darling.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
I've been through this three times already
and you lot still don't remember it.
I love you, but you're so bloody difficult.
Oh, why don't you listen to me when I'm talking?
- We do listen to you.
- What did I just say, then?
- When?
- See, it's not a hard plan to follow.
Now go and sit with mother and Uncle Cuthbert
and I'll explain it to you lot again.
(laughing)
(toys squeaking)
Anyway, the plan is that we're going to turn
the entire country's population into brain-dead zombies...
- Oh!
- ...by infecting the national water supply with Dad's virus...
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- ...so lovingly recreated by Doctor Bertie here.
(laughing)
(horns squeaking)
And then, when everybody's turned into zombies,
then we're going to go and live in Buckingham Palace,
where Mother shall be queen.
- And you'll be Prince Octavia, and I'll be Princess Bertie.
(laughing)
- Darling, I think you'll find it's the other way round.
- But I wanna be a princess.
- Yeah, he wants to be princess.
Let him be princess.
- Princess.
- Oh, okay then.
First of all, we kill Pervo the fucking clown.
- [Mother] Oh, no!
- Yay!
- No no no, not my sexy clown man.
- Ssh ssh, Mother.
Anyway, we're going to lure Pervo here to a big big party
with a group of sexy girls called the Pervettes.
- Is it his birthday?
- No darling, it's not.
- But the group of sexy girls who we're then going to
turn into zombies.
- No, I don't want to be a zombie.
- Oh Mother, you won't be a zombie. Don't you worry,
because darling Bertie here's created
the zombie repellent spray. Haven't you, Bertie?
- [Cuthbert] Have you?
Have you? - No no.
- [Cuthbert] Yes you, yes you--
- I have.
Oh yes, oh yes.
(laughing)
(toys squeaking)
Now watch this.
(growling)
You see, she's completely repelled.
- Come on, darling.
(laughing)
See, so we'll all be perfectly safe.
We'll spray Pervo when he gets in, too,
so the zombies don't kill him.
So he can watch all his friends die slowly.
Then we can capture him, torture him, and finally kill him.
(cheering)
Right, Uncle Cuth, you go get yourself changed
and get to the TV station where Pervo's doing that show.
Go find his assistant and tell them about our party.
Then go get them to meet Bertie at the club tonight.
- Aye aye, sir.
- Bye.
(horns sounding)
- Bertie.
You're going to go to the club to meet Pervo.
- Right.
- You make sure they definitely come tomorrow.
- Mm-hm.
- Mother, you can bake a cake.
- I got some friends coming tonight.
- Yes, Mummy.
In her head.
(sniggering)
- Anyway darling, we've got a couple of hours to kill so...
shall we go finish the hoovering?
(laughing)
Bertie!
(gunshots)
- Okay, I will do.
Bye.
Well, that was the management.
You're officially bankrupt.
Congratulations.
- What's that even mean?
- Mean's your skint, prick.
- Shut up, you.
- He's right, though.
You've got no money.
- Well, how come?
- It's your fucked up lifestyle, innit?
- Fucked up? It's awesome.
- Not only are you skint but you owe thousands of pounds.
Like, who are the Bad Habits? You owe them a fortune.
- Just some girls I know.
- Hookers.
- Hookers!
- It's all you do, grass me up.
They're gorgeous, they'll do anything.
- Aye, if you pay for it.
- Pervo, you really need to create a good impression
on this TV interview.
This is pretty much your last chance.
- I'm Pervo the Clown, course I will.
Anyway, what do you care?
It's your last day tomorrow, isn't it?
- So?
- So, you still haven't even told us where you're going.
- I'm traveling the world, that's all I'm saying.
- Whatever.
Keep your little secrets. I don't care.
What's your name?
- Doesn't matter what her name is.
Leave the poor girl alone.
- I'm only asking what her name is.
Do you spit or swallow?
- Pervo, I said leave her alone.
You haven't dealt with the last harassment lawsuit yet.
- Got awesome boobs you.
- Ignore him, darling. He's an idiot.
Look, you really need to be sensible in this interview,
and I'm being serious.
- I will.
I promise.
- What the fuck?
(screaming)
- [Woman] Pervo.
- What?
- [Boris] You want locking up, mate?
- [Woman] Give me strength.
One more day.
- Did you see the size of her boobs, though?
- Dirty bastard.
(gentle music)
- Excuse me, is your name Kat?
- Yeah, it is.
- My name's Captain Cuthbert, I mean Cuthbert,
my name's Cuthbert.
- Nice to meet you.
What is that?
- It's a, it's a hankie.
Dear me, there's always a bit you can't get, isn't there?
Anyway, I'd like to invite Pervo to a party
thrown in his honor.
- Oh, a party.
- Yeah, my boss Bertie Dumble owns a string of nightclubs
and he'd like to invite Pervo to a party.
- [Kat] Oh, okay.
- Excellent.
(loud techno music)
(cheering and applauding)
- Hello, and welcome back to the Chat Lab with me,
your hostess, Miss Crystal Meth.
Now, we've just heard from international singing sensation,
Miss Sugar Deluxe.
(audience applauding)
Now it's time for my next guest.
Now, this man is know for his part in rescuing girls
from a gruesome satanic cult that turned dozens of girls
into sick, twisted, killers.
And a movie about the massacre, in where he plays himself,
has just been recently released.
Now, he's appeared in the headlines
for all of the wrong reasons, and he's become
quite the victim of his own success.
But there are two sides to every story.
So let's hear it from the man himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my next guest.
The one, the only, Pervo the Clown.
(audience applauding)
So Pervo, how are you?
- I'm great, thanks.
Even better now I'm sat next to this bit of crumpet.
- Well funny you should say that,
Sugar was looking to be getting on very well
with somebody that you know in the Green Room.
- [Pervo] Oh, Dikki Lixx.
- [Crystal] What a guy.
- [Pervo] What a guy? He's a cock.
- Eh, could you watch your language, please?
- Well he's a cock, though, look at him.
Thinks he's it.
He's a fucking knob-head, man.
Fucking rockstar wannabe.
- Didn't Dikki kick you out of a band
that you were in together once?
- No, I left.
- Okay so, for those who don't know at home,
could you tell the audience a little bit about the movie
and what it's about.
- It's called Zombie Women of Satan.
- Can I just say, I think that's a fantastic title.
Don't you agree, ladies and gentlemen?
(audience applauding)
But Satan doesn't actually make an appearance in the film.
- Aw, shut up man,
you're just splitting hairs. Doesn't matter.
They're all evil bitches, anyway.
Just watch the film. It's great.
Tits everywhere.
- Now sadly, on a more serious note,
Harmony Starr and Sky and Rachel Brannigan,
who survived the massacre,
were tragically killed in a car accident, recently.
- Yeah that was, that was well weird that.
I mean head-on collision with a truck driven by a midget.
Fucking hell, what's the chances of that?
Oh sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have sworn, should I?
Shoulda stopped after midget.
- No, I think midget was the actual,
the actual problem there.
Now, Harmony's character, who was played by
Dahlia Von Rose, was actually on the show here last week.
- Was she?
I think she's in London at the moment. Ain't she doing that,
what's that film called, The Ox's Cock or summat?
- It's Oxford. It's about the Oxford boat races.
It's a period drama.
- Is it? Oh, I thought it was some animal porn thing,
(laughing)
Anyway, she's a fucking idiot. I hate her.
Right minge bag.
- Okay, well could you shed a little bit of light
on this subject for me?
Now, there was a recent police sting operation
at a massage parlor.
- Oh, that was a total coincidence.
I didn't even know they were hookers.
- You were seen leaving with a ball-gag in your mouth,
and a dildo inserted in your--
- Yeah, alright, it was up my arse.
The police put it there.
- Okay.
Apparently, according to the headlines,
you have spent a fortune on call girls.
Are you being treated for sex addiction at all?
- I am yeah, I'm treating myself...
...by shagging anything that moves.
(laughing)
You'd have it, wouldn't you?
- No, thanks.
- Oh come on, course you--
- Don't touch the nose. Oh, you want it, don't you?
- No, no.
- Come on.
(loud humming)
- Okay, just so I'm absolutely clear what you're telling me.
Pandora let that fucking idiot clown rack up
40 grand's worth of debt,
and you two thought the best way to get the money back
was to do nothing,
and not even tell me.
- Well, did neither of you think that following a plan
concocted by someone as thick as two short planks
might be a bit, oh I don't know, fucking stupid?
- You know, back home in Russia we chop people up
when they don't pay.
Feed them to dog.
- I don't care about back home in Russia, Svetlana.
What I care about is that my, my escort agency
is owed 40,000 pounds.
People come to the Bad Habits because of our reputation,
and I've worked bloody hard to make it so.
I'm not gonna let you three fuck it up.
- But you two knew about it, which makes you all as bad
as each other. Now come on, we're going now.
- Going where?
- [Woman] To get Pervo.
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
Where is Pandora?
- Having a bath.
For fuck's sake!
(gentle classical music)
- Hey, how about knocking first? What's the problem?
- The problem.
The problem is that not only have you racked up
a massive debt, but those two knew about it all along.
Now get out of the bath, we're going.
Now!
- Why? Where are we going?
- To catch that fucking clown.
- Will do, my love.
Yes yes, it'll be hanging from a tree
the time we finish with him. I tell you that.
(laughing)
Yes he's just come back. Everything's fine.
- Well, let's hope so.
Anyway, you best get to the club.
Just make sure you really sell the party to him.
Especially the girls, that'll get him hooked.
- Yeah yeah, he'll be hanging from a hook
the time we've finished with him. I tell you that.
(laughing)
- Bye, my little sugar puff.
- Okay, darling. Goodbye.
Have they got the address?
- Oh, yeah.
- Good.
(laughing)
Let's go.
(techno music)
(shouting)
- Hey.
I need a lift, you fast driving git.
- It's okay. You can leave him with me now.
What the hell are you playing at?
- What? I was just having fun.
- By pulling a girl's top down on live TV?
- Oh, the viewers will love it.
- Pervo, you've lost the plot.
- [Pervo] Oh I wish. She was hot as fuck, man.
- Anyway, we've got a massive party tomorrow.
Some millionaire.
- Hey hey, get amongst it.
- Apparently he sorted it with management
but they've not said anything to me.
- Aye, probably 'cause tomorrow's your last day. Isn't it, eh?
Then you're off gallivanting 'round the world.
- Mm, possibly.
Anyway, we're gonna meet this Bertie tonight
at a club he owns later, so go get ready.
- Alright, no worries, boss.
I'm going, alright.
- And hurry.
- [Pervo] Alright.
(rock music)
* I didn't take my M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E medicine *
- There's your drinks, enjoy.
I've been told to fuck off now.
- Aye, go on then, fuck off.
(laughing)
What?
Fuck off. What's he laughing at?
Fucking hell.
- Nuttier than a squirrel shit, him.
- [Pervo] Fuck looks like a French waiter.
Jesus Christ.
What are these drinks like anyway?
What, are you getting water again?
- [Boris] I am.
- Let yourself go, man, let your hair down.
Get a shandy down you.
So what's the crack? I mean, who's this Bertie Dumble fella?
- Apparently he's a big fan of yours, and he's loaded,
so you can press him.
- He's rich, oh, aye.
- [Kat] So you need to impress this one.
- I will do, no worries.
- Oh is that-- Is that fucking Dikki Lixx.
Fucking Dikki Lixx, he's fucking everywhere I go.
Who's this guy next to him? Look at the clip of him.
Hey, come here. You think that's Bertie like?
- [Kat] Probably.
- [Bertie] Aha, there you are, old bean!
- Alright.
- How you doing, how you doing?
You must be Pervo, eh.
- I am, yeah. Who are you?
- I'm Bertie.
- You are Bertie!
- I'm Bertie Dumble.
- Alright, Bertie man.
- At your service.
(laughing)
- This is Kat. - Hello Kat.
- This is Kat, my personal assistant.
- Lovely to meet you. - This is Boris.
- Ah, Boris.
- Boris, Boris Tinkle. - Lovely to meet you too.
You have a woman's hands, sir.
(laughing)
Well what do you think, eh, what do you think?
- Yeah, mental.
- Shithole, eh. Well I'm gonna get it done over here now.
I'm an absolute rich bastard.
- Okay, calm down, son, come on.
- More drinks, I say!
- [Svetlana] Pervo's left.
- Dammit, where did he go?
- They don't know. They just complain he take big shit
and block toilet.
- Fuck, we missed him 'cause you lot took too fucking long
to get ready.
Fuck!
Let's just go.
(car screeching)
(techno music)
- He's a good shag, I've heard.
(laughing)
Anyway, you, my darling, have got a party Saturday
for you, eh.
- What, a party for me?
- Absolutely, darling.
- Oh, that's mad.
- 'Cause you're so fucking great.
- Well I am, aren't I?
At least someone fucking knows how great I am.
(laughing)
- And it's my place, and it's for you you, see.
- So a party for me on Saturday.
- Yes, 'cause I'm so bloody rich.
So I keep telling you how rich I am.
Very fucking. You come to the party and I'll make sure
you have the most bestest time...
- Can you get lots of women? - ...in your fucking life.
The most titties you've ever seen in your whole life.
- Brilliant.
- Absolutely swarming.
- Wall to wall.
- Wall to wall tits.
- It's a titty heaven.
- [Cuthbert] A titty fest.
- A titty fest.
Oh, come on.
- And you'll be the biggest tit there.
- Right, come on guys, anyway.
Oh, dear.
We need to go.
- Yeah, well leave him then.
You'll sort-- Hey Cuth. Is it Cuth?
- [Cuthbert] I'll sort him out, yeah yeah.
- [Pervo] Can't wait for this party.
Sounds awesome.
I'm having these drinks, and all.
- They bought it, my little cream puff.
(laughing)
- Excellent.
Now get yourself home pronto.
I'm all wet and waiting for you.
- Mmm, I'm gonna be right there. I'm coming now.
(maniacal laughing)
(shrieking)
- Please sign my CD, please.
- You're so good.
- Thank you.
(giggling)
- Can I just smell your hair? I have to.
- Can't believe it's really him.
- Who's it to?
- Leanne.
Just wanna touch you.
- There you go, thank you.
- Oh, thank you so much. - Thank you!
- Yes, sure.
Yes, you can.
Yes, sure.
- [Girl] Oh, you've gotta post this.
- Nobody will believe this.
- [Girl] Send it to me.
- Why did we have to get the bus?
Felt like a right wanker.
What happened to getting limos?
- You keep forgetting, you're skint.
You keep spending all your money on hookers and beans.
(girls giggling)
- [Girl] That's so nice.
- What's he doing?
- Thank you!
- [Girl] Bye, we love you, bye.
- What?
- You don't want my autograph?
- [All] No.
- Sorry.
- What you doing with him?
- He's a real man. You're just a pervert.
- Ha, pervert.
- Pervert.
You were never good enough to be in my band.
- Your band, my band.
And we're starting a world tour next week.
With a bass player who can actually play.
- Who's he think he is?
- Come on, man, just leave it. Get inside.
- Anyway, is Dahlia coming to this party tomorrow?
- Aye, she's on her way.
- You think she's still pissed at us?
- Us?
You're the one that keeps harassing her
and taking her clothes.
- I just borrow a couple of her dresses.
- But you don't wash them, do you?
- Don't know what you're on about, man.
- The last one had jizz all over it.
- I told her, it was just an accident.
- It spelt Dahlia.
- Anyway, where's Kat?
- She's at another party.
- She's at another party?
Who she think she is? I'm the rockstar.
- I'm not getting into this with you again.
Get inside and stay off that phone.
- What would I be on the phones for?
(seductive music)
Oh, fucking hell.
What you wearing?
What?
With flippers and what? You mean flippers and-
flippers and a gas mask?
Yes, oh, hang on, that's got the spot, yeah.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, that's a beauty.
Yeah, what's your fantasy, then?
What's yours?
What is it?
Is that possible?
Yeah yeah, that's fucking making me rock hard that, yeah.
Are your nipples hard?
Can you keep a secret like?
Yeah, I've got this bodyguard, right, he's called Boris.
Oh, he's fucking lush.
Got this gimp collar I'd love to put it on Boris and,
you know, stroke his rectum.
I bet he's got a massive cock, as well, I bet he has.
Oh, look at this cock.
Yeah, mine's massive, as well.
I bet we could have a cock fight, you know, me and Boris.
I bet he has got a big cock, you know.
Well yeah, Boris' cock, oh, I'd love that up my arse.
- That's the boy.
That's what I'm talking about.
(thumping through walls)
Will you shut your fucking noise?
- [Pervo] Oh, come on.
- Fuck this.
What the fuck you doing?
- [Pervo] Hello.
- Hello?
You best open this door.
What you fucking doing?
- Sleeping.
- Sleeping, it sounds like it.
What's all that noise?
- It's nowt to do with me.
- [Boris] What's all the banging on the walls?
- It's the wall.
- It's haunted.
The walls are haunted.
- Aye.
- If you don't wrap it in I'll be haunting you.
You sleep in that make up, anyway?
- Yeah, course I do.
Never comes off.
- Summat wrong with your mind.
- Boris.
Boris, Boris, Boris Tinkler.
* Boris Tinkler
* Loves his winkler
* Boris
Boris!
- Oh, what the fuck is he doing?
- [Pervo] Boris!
- Fucking shut up.
- [Pervo] Boris!
Boris, come and pack me fucking bags, will you.
- Fucking clowns.
Not even funny, anyway. Prick.
- [Pervo] Boris!
- Will you fucking shut up? Jesus.
Fucking white-faced black-nosed dick.
- Boris!
Ah, fuck.
God, you bastard.
- Shut up!
- Fuck.
Aah, Jesus Christ, fucking.
Boris!
- I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna fucking stab him.
I'm gonna stab him.
- Fucking Boris!
Come and pack me fucking bags will you, you bastard.
- Will you shut up, man?
Oh anyway, I know exactly what I'll do to him.
- Come on, you fairy.
This fucking--
Boris!
Don't fucking try banging.
(banging on door)
Oh, fuck off.
Fuck offI What--
What?
What you fucking want?
Bastard.
(techno music)
- [Man] Pervo.
- [Pervo] Hello?
- [Man] Gonna get you.
(loud cracking)
- [Pervo] What was that?
(repeated cracking)
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
- [Man] Run Pervo, run.
Shit.
(romantic music)
(banging on door)
Get under the bed, get under the bed.
- Who the hell are you?
What's going on?
- Fucking gunman outside.
- What you doing? - There's a gunman outside.
- Get the hell out. - There's a gunman out there.
- Get out.
- Fuck off! There's a gunman.
- What is wrong with you?
- Gunman, there's a gunman.
What you doing, mad cow?
- Don't be crazy. What you doing?
- There's a gunman out there.
- Oh, my God, I'm not interrupting a wank
for someone like you.
(shouting and screaming)
What the hell is wrong with you?
- There's a gunman.
Fuck, fuck.
- For God's sake, get off.
(laughing)
- Don't touch the bloody nose, man.
- Oh, you disgusting--
- Ow, you fucker.
- Get out.
- There's a gunman.
- Get the fuck--
- Fucking prick.
What's wrong with you?
- It's me arse.
- It's your arse. What have you been doing?
- Someone shot me.
Yeah, in the corridor, in my arse.
- You got shot in the corridor. I thought you were sleeping.
- I was.
Last night in the corridor, though, someone shot me.
- I'm not even gonna ask about the dress.
Just get rid of it and get yourself sorted.
The girls are just finishing off their breakfast.
We've gotta go to that Bertie's.
Now crack on, and stop fucking about.
- Yes, he was wearing a dress this morning
when I went to wake him up, and I swear it was one of yours.
- Not the black and white polka dot one.
- Yes.
(laughing)
- Thieving little shit.
- Oh God, he's like a kid, innit.
Except he thinks of his dick.
- That's a bit wrong.
- I've never known anyone to be so obsessed
with boobs, though.
He'd have a pair of his own if he could.
(laughing)
- I know I'm obsessed with boobs, but I can't help it.
I mean, I've even thought about getting implants.
How cool would that be?
Know you could, whoa, feel yourself all day long.
- What kind of relationship did you have with your mother?
- What you trying to say, I shagged me own mam?
- No.
I don't mean that. I mean,
how did you get on with your mother?
- Yeah it was fine, we had fun.
Brought up in the circus.
- Really?
Tell me, what's your earliest memory you have
of your parents?
- Oh, little Sidney.
Doesn't he look cute?
- Oh, he's biting me.
- Is there room for me on the other one?
- Thirsty boy, eh.
(loud squirting)
- Nah, canna think of any.
Honest, nothing.
- Five, four, three, two.
* Stick your butt in the air
* In the air
* Stick your butt in the air
- You know something.
This is fantastic.
(loud techno music)
* Stick your butt in the air
* In the air
* Stick your butt in the air
- Bertie Dumble, what do you think you're doing?
- Eh, nothing.
- You're supposed to be helping me get ready for the party.
Anyway, I've just spoken to Kat
and she's expecting Cuth to be with the Pervettes,
to go and collect Pervo in an hour.
Bertie, you come with me.
Cuthbert, go and get ready.
And Mother, stay out of trouble.
* Stick your butt in the air
And tell that slag to fuck off.
(dramatic music)
- Why I am the only one working?
- Because out of you three fuckwits
you were the only one with what resembles a brain.
- Oh. (speaks foreign language)
- Come on, get up.
My turn.
- Oh wow, Zara, are your boobs getting bigger?
- Yeah, getting bigger all by themselves, Pandora.
- Wow.
- I've got something here.
Pervo's going to a party tomorrow.
It's being hosted by a guy called Bertie Dumble.
- [Zara] What do we know about him?
- Mm, here, Bertie Dumble. Ooh, millionaire.
He owns lots of nice clubs.
According to his Facebook page, he describes himself as
eccentric, crazy and unpredictable,
with a fondness for science.
- Okay, that's where we're going tomorrow, then.
Now, make this good.
- Where's Kat and Dahlia?
They're supposed to wait on me, not the other way 'round.
- Who do you think you are?
- What you mean? It's me, Pervo.
- Oh, do I smell a threesome?
- No, you definitely do not.
- All I can smell is you.
It's like, lube and feet.
(laughing)
- So, I was gonna wear my lovely polka dot dress
and then I couldn't find it.
Any suggestions, Sidney?
- Yeah, she's nicked it.
- No, the black and white one.
- Oh, right, eh.
Eh, no no. Have you seen it?
- [Boris] No.
- Anyway you, less of the bloody Sidney, will you?
Less of the Sidney. It's Pervo.
Come on, party time.
- You're not coming with us.
- Eh, what you mean?
- Bertie insisted.
- [Pervo] How am I gonna get there?
(bus horn blasting)
(shrieking excitedly)
- Pervo!
- [Pervo] Wahey!
- We're the Pervettes.
- Are you coming?
- Damn right, I am.
Wahey!
- Hello, Mr Clown.
- Fuck off.
(laughing)
- Ladies!
(cheering)
- [All] Pervo, Pervo, Pervo, Pervo.
- I saved you a seat up the back.
- Hey, wow, that's awesome.
Woo hoo!
- Well, that's him taken care of.
- What, no limo?
- No management won't give him any more credit.
(laughing)
- Well, I think there should be enough in here
to infect all the Pervettes on Pervo's coach.
- Ooh!
- Don't you, my Bertie bossy bear?
- Ooh!
Yes, my little tit bag. There's gonna be zombies everywhere.
(laughing)
- Oh, I'm excited.
- Yeah, it should be good.
(laughing and giggling)
(alarm chiming)
- Ooh, there's somebody at the door.
Hello.
- Yeah, hi, it's Boris with Kat and Dahlia.
- Ah, Boris, gorgeous.
Yes, just drive in. I'll open the gate.
Ha ha.
Guess what.
- What, my darling?
- Pervo's minions have arrived.
- Oh, that's brilliant.
Pervo will soon be here in the Pervette coach.
You better go and meet him.
- Better spray ourselves, first, though.
- Okay.
(laughing)
- Goodbye, my lovely darling.
- Will you lot fucking hurry up?
- When you gonna learn how to speak English?
- Why don't you both just stop complaining
and learn how to speak Russian?
- You know what it is. It's always the same with you.
You don't understand--
(talking over each other)
- Stop bloody bickering and strap in.
(sighing deeply)
We've got a clown to kill.
- Pervo!
- Bertie man, how you doing?
- Alright, old bean.
- What are these girls about? They're fucking gorgeous.
- Oh, wait till you see the ones inside, matey.
- What, you got more?
- Absolutely. Hordes of them.
- What about these? I wanna shag them.
- Oh Cuthbert'll sort them out.
Don't you worry. You'll see 'em again.
- Cuthbert's gonna sort them out? I wanna sort them out.
Where's-where's the boobs? Down here?
Boobs, I want boobs!
(whistling gently)
Where's the boobs, then?
- Well I'm sure that big nose of yours can sniff them out.
(laughing)
- Wahey, boobs!
(giggling)
Where's this hot tub he was on about?
Ha ha, oh yes.
- Ooh.
Aah.
- Oh, look at that.
Oh, after all, gonna see some boobs.
Come on.
(giggling)
- Who the fuck are you?
- Do you need a hand with that?
- No, not off you, you creep.
- I'll pay you.
- Make it quick.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Ow! I's not meant to go in there.
- [Pervo] Oh it does, trust me.
- [Girl] Oh.
- [Pervo] Oh, Boris.
- [Girl] Boris?
- Now do come in. Do come in.
Hello.
Hello, man.
Before you enter my big palace of boobs,
you must give me your phones.
- Why?
- Because in my world, to enjoy ourselves
as much as me, you must take yourself away
from naughty little distractions.
(giggling)
- Hi, I'm Susie.
- Don't worry, don't worry, you'll get them back.
Don't you worry.
You'll be having so much fun
you won't even realize they're gone.
(laughing)
What?
Where's Pervo, I hear you say.
Who knows, eh?
- Alright gang, I've found ya!
- Easy, old scallywag.
- Em!
- Bald, love it.
Sorry, what-- Who are you?
- Phone in.
- I haven't got a phone. She's got my phone.
- Top on.
- Pants off.
- Or you're not going in.
- [Kat] Top on, come on.
- Come on, you and me.
(rock music)
* The road stretches out ahead
* Think it's straight until I'm nearly there *
* Don't know what's around the next corner *
* They made the sound again to come warn you *
* Well I just wanna go the extra mile *
* I just wanna go out in style
* You drive me insane
* I ain't ever gonna be the same *
- Now this is my kinda party.
- Fucking 'ell.
(laughing)
Look at the tits.
- There's fanny, too.
All for you, darling.
- For me.
* Don't wanna spin out of control *
* But I don't wanna do half of the whole *
* Well I just wanna go the extra mile *
* I just wanna go out in style
* You drive me insane
* I ain't ever gonna be the same *
* Zero to 60
* In insanity
Look at these girls, man.
- Wow, this is amazing.
- Fucking right, it is.
- We've got a zoo too, you know.
- Got a zoo?
- [Bertie] Absolutely.
- What's in it?
- Boobs, baby. - Boobs?
- Yeah space hopper boobs.
- How, how many boobs?
You got 'em running wild, like?
- As many as you like.
- Can we go there now?
- No, we can't go there now.
I've got to go and turn it on.
But you get in there, have a good old mingle about.
Come on girls, Pervo's coming.
Woo!
- Look, they've turned up. This is actually gonna happen.
- Oh, it's all going to plan, my little--
(laughing)
- Well Susie's taken out the punch to Uncle Cuthbert.
So he should be giving it to the Pervettes now.
- Does Cuthbert know it's infected, though?
- Oh, of course.
- Ah, what about Susie?
(laughing)
You are a little evil tinker, aren't you?
(maniacal laughing)
Owee.
(excited chattering)
- Come on, girls, get your drinks.
Lovely punch here.
Get it before the party. Do you world of good.
(chatter)
Come on, punch. One for you, me dear, enjoy.
Eh, oops! Room for a little one.
Excellent.
Come on girls, enjoy your drinks, drink up--
(growling)
Oh, shit.
I think I'd better go.
(screaming and shrieking)
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
the wet t-shirt competition.
(loud cheering)
Come on!
Fucking tits on these. Fucking--
Get 'em out, out, out.
Out, out, out.
Have it, come on.
Aw fucking awesome, look at that.
Fucking hell, look at that.
Fucking awesome.
Eh, come on, eh, titties.
Show us the titties.
Fucking come on.
Wanna see the nipples.
Nipples.
(shouting and cheering)
Come on, you can have it.
That's the way. Fuck yeah!
Fucking awesome.
Nipples like midget's thumbs.
Come on, nipples like midget's thumbs.
Eh, Pervo magic.
Eh, come on, eh.
Come on, you fuckers, eh.
You.
(laughing)
- Captain Cuth rules!
Shit.
Forgot to spray Pervo.
Ah fuck it.
Cheers to you all, yah bunch of bastards.
Shit.
(coughing)
(screaming)
- Oh, what's he done?
- What a nincompoop.
What do we do now?
- Nothing. We stick to the plan.
He was a liability, anyway.
- Okay.
Well I better get up to the party, then.
Gonna come?
- No, I'm gonna stay and play with my new toys.
- That's mine.
- Uh-uh.
(giggling)
(rock music)
- Fucking titty heaven.
- You're sick.
- Hey, Pervo.
- What you doing with him?
He's fucking skint as well, you know.
- No, he's not.
- No, haven't you heard?
We've just signed an amazing new record deal,
and Kat's our new PA.
- So that's the game, is it?
You dropped me for him.
That dickhead.
- I'm sorry Pervo. There's just no money in you anymore.
- I'm gonna be fucking massive.
I thought you're going on that world tour
or something, anyway.
- I am.
A proper tour, with Dikki and Iron Kidney.
Where you going?
- I'm going to shag meself to death
with them fucking Pervettes.
- Leave him, leave him.
- But I feel sorry for him.
- He's alright.
Besides, what am I supposed to do? I need to make a living.
I certainly wasn't doing that through him, was I?
- Yeah, fuck him, man.
- [Dikki] Yeah, fuck him.
- Kat and Dikki fucking Lixx.
Where's them fucking girls? I'm gonna fuck them senseless.
(heavy rock music)
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together
for Spit Like This.
- Ah, that way.
- Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for coming
to the party.
(audience cheering and applauding)
Now some of you may know our next special guest.
But don't touch his nose.
(laughing)
He's a man of great depth...
- There it is. Hey, hey, boobs.
- ...and great courage.
- Girls!
Girls!
Girls, it's me.
Come on, let us in, girls.
Wahey!
Oh, fuck.
(growling and hissing)
Ah, tits tits.
Fuck this.
(growling and screaming)
- Give it up for Pervo the Clown.
(rock music)
(shouting)
(audience applauding and cheering)
(screaming)
(growling)
- Come on, get out.
- Shut the door.
- Thanks, Pervo.
- Yeah, well, still don't bloody like you.
Just as well, you're hot.
What's up with you?
- Fucking blood, man.
What the fuck is that?
- What? It reminds me of Sugar.
- A big fucking pink pig?
- Yeah, she's gonna be my future wife, man.
- Fucking idiot.
- What you doing? There's zombies in there.
Oh, here she is.
- [Dikki] Zombies! Ah, ah!
- Oh Dikki Fucking Lixx. What've you brought him for?
- Come on, let's just go.
- Well, I can't run in these things.
(farting)
(tense music)
(screaming)
- What the hell is that?
- I don't know.
- That doesn't sound like happy screaming to me.
- I don't care.
Pervo's in there and we're gonna find him.
- But I don't like guns.
- Guns are great.
Back home in Russia--
Okay okay, no Russia.
- Right, let's go.
- I'm not comfy in these shoes.
- I didn't bring any other shoes.
- Oh I don't care. And lose the fucking hat.
- This is brilliant.
- Oh, kill him, kill him, kill him.
- Bite his face off.
(maniacal laughing)
Hang on. Who are those bastards?
- Oh I don't know, but they look delicious.
Good enough to eat.
- We've had zombie babes, and now fresh totty.
(maniacal laughing)
All this excitement's getting me horny,
my little pudding fart.
- Oh, me too, love pump.
- I'm gonna do you over the table, right now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yes I am.
(growling)
- Who's this crazy bitch?
(screaming)
- Get her off of me.
(loud splattering)
Get off me.
- Kill her.
What the hell's going on?
- They're just like the cult girls
that were poisoned in the massacre.
- Well, if the film's to be believed
and they've got the same infection,
then they could infect us.
- So, are we in a movie now?
- No, we are not in a movie.
What is the matter with you?
- But you've just killed two people.
Why would you do that if we're not in a movie?
- Because they were trying to kill us.
- [Pandora] Like in the movie?
- Yes, like in the movie, but we're not in a movie.
Get that through your thick head.
There are zombie women running around everywhere
trying to bite people, and we'll kill them all
if we have to.
We're gonna get that clown, zombies or no zombies, right?
- Da.
(tense music)
- [Pervo] Come on.
Zombies coming.
- Aah!
- [Sugar] Dikki.
- Bloody leave him, man.
Oh fucking leave him. He's in a trap, man.
- [Dikki] Help, help, help me!
(snarling and growling)
Ah!
- Fuck you, Dikki.
Fuck you.
(screaming slowly)
Fucking zombies.
- Take it like a preacher.
Dirty Bumble.
- It's Bertie.
- Dirty today.
Wait.
They're getting away.
Oh God, we've got to go after them.
Come on, come with me, come with me.
- [Pervo] Fuck, get in.
- Where did all the crazy zombie women come from?
- They were on the fucking bus.
- On the bus?
- Just a zombie day out, I suppose.
- I don't know, but the Pervettes are all zombies.
- Well, how did that happen?
- I don't know, but they're zombies.
- You thought the best way to get rid of them
would be to bring them back to party full of people.
- I didn't think 'cause I'm getting chased by zombies.
- Why would you? You're just a village fucking idiot.
- Why didn't you save Dikki?
You coulda helped him.
- Why didn't I help him? Well why do you think?
'Cause he's a fucking dickhead.
- Enough!
You've had your 15 minutes.
She's left you, and what? And you!
You only knew Dikki for what, 10 minutes?
- It was true love, though.
- It was lust, not love. It'll pass, trust me.
- Me dad used to always say, "Love is like a fart.
If you've got to force it, it's obviously just shit."
- Actually talking shit, just come and wipe my arse.
- No, thanks. I don't want a boyfriend who's skint
and with a tiny dick.
- Tiny? It's fucking massive.
I've got a cock like a baby's arm.
- Oh, my God, we're all gonna die.
- No we're not. We just need to make a plan.
(loud growling and screaming)
- Unless he's got 40 grand on him, yeah.
- But can't we just go home? These shoes are hurting me.
- Well, you shouldn't have fucking worn them, then, should you?
Look, it was you three who got us into this mess,
so don't you dare try and wimp out on me now.
- We're not trying to wimp out.
- Well, come on, then.
(tense music)
Prove yourself. Kill her.
Do it.
If you're gonna help me get Pervo, then killing one lame
fucking zombie shouldn't be too much of a problem.
(techno music)
That was more like it.
Svetlana, finish her.
(loud splattering)
Check you out.
Right, let's go and get that dumb arse clown.
* Clowny-wownee pudding and pie *
* Kissed the girls and made them cry *
* When the boys came out to play *
- Mother, you will wait here
till we come back and get you, won't you?
- I'm not going anywhere. I'm playing.
- Okay.
- Oh, can I play?
- No, we've got a clown to kill.
- I wanna play.
(laughing)
* Clownee-wownee run away
(screaming)
(growling)
- Be vewwy vewwy quiet.
We hunting wombies.
- No.
We need them alive so that they can kill everybody else.
(screeching)
Oh, Bertie!
Bertie Dumble, come here. Did I tell you you could kill her?
Oh, anyway, we need to go find Pervo. So go.
- Mm-mm.
- Go!
(growling)
Bertie Dumble, I told you not to shoot that woman.
- But she was gonna bloody gobble us up.
- No, she wasn't. - She was.
- Don't be so ridiculous.
- She was. I won't do it again, I promise.
Wah!
(repeated gunfire)
- You just did it again.
- Ah, no, I didn't.
- Oh my God, Bertie, I want a go.
(growling)
There's one.
Yeah!
(laughing)
Let's go.
- I've never seen so much blood.
- Come on ladies, let's check the gardens again.
(screaming)
- Okay, my idea is this.
There's too many of them. If we go outside we're dead.
So we let them in the caravan one by one
and we kill 'em one at a time.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Thought you were supposed to be the brainy one.
What's to say if we don't let them in,
they don't kill us all.
- Well, it's a risk we have to take.
And besides, I hate caravans.
I just wanna get out asap.
- There's got to be summat in here
we can use for weapons.
- Guys, what about these?
(shouting)
- I'm guessing Pervo's in that caravan.
- Can I look?
- No.
- Why not? You always get to look.
- 'Cause I'm sure you'd find a way to fuck it up.
(tense music)
- [Kat] Open the door.
(growling)
What about the plan?
- [Pervo] Fuck off.
(growling)
(screaming)
When in doubt, get it in the clout.
Boris, Boris, find the fanny.
(growling)
(loud clanging)
(loud splattering)
Boris, Boris!
Look at these knockers.
Oh, come on, get a bit of motorboating going there, girl.
Come on, put your back into it.
Oh, ha ha.
Boris, I've had enough now.
Boris, man, give us a hand, will yah?
For fuck's sake, man, watch me nose.
Fucking hell.
- Have you got a hard on?
- Course, I have.
- Dirty bastard.
- You want a bit of it, like.
- Piss off.
(growling)
- Oh fucking hell, guys. Man, there's more of 'em.
Come on, in the caravan.
Fucking let us in, you daft bitches.
They fucking locked the door.
- Fuck this, come on.
- I'm guessing Uncle Cuthbert didn't spray Pervo.
- Well, don't look at me. Cuthbert's the liability.
- Sit down.
They can wait a minute.
Anyway you, give us a kiss.
All this killing's making me horny.
- They're getting away.
- They'll be back. They need to save the girls.
- Because I've only got a few rounds left
and I don't want to risk missing.
Besides, I want to talk to him first.
(humorous music)
(repeated thumping)
- [Boris] What the fuck you doing?
(loud growling)
- Come on, you zombie tarts.
Open the door, bitch.
- Who you calling a fucking bitch?
- [Pervo] Find the fucking light switch, then.
The light switch, you daft twat, not my fucking balls.
- [Boris] Oh, sorry, mate.
- [Pervo] Fucking, come on.
- [Boris] Man, here it is.
(laughing)
- What's this?
- Some sort of fucked up (indistinct), man.
- Well, they're not gonna help us kill
the fucking zombies, are they?
Hey come on, let's see what's under here,
might be a fucking tank or summat.
Fucking really is Christmas, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I'm driving.
- No way.
- Why not?
- I've seen your driving.
(engine revving)
- Come on, bring 'em on Boris, come on.
- Mm, Pervo makes me moist.
- He's mine.
- Says who?
- Shut up, all of you.
- Will you fuck off your erection, man?
- Piss off, man. You fucking wish.
Fucking are we, man, anyway?
- What, you? Fucking knob drive better than you.
- Like, fuck man, drive like old people, fuck.
- Yeah you'd know, see I've heard you, aye,
down the fucking bingo halls every fucking week...
- [Boris] Bollocks man I've seen your fucking videos. - looking for them old fucking--
Fuck off.
- [Boris] 60 plus and gagging.
- Fuck off.
- Horrible cunt.
- [Boris] What you fucking doing, man?
- It's a fucking zombie head under it.
Fucking, hang on.
Fuck it.
Oh fucking, the mouth's slammed, anyway. Fuck it.
- Come on, man.
- Get me cock in it.
Give us the fucking axe, man.
- Fucking piece of shit, anyway.
Fucking slow as fuck.
- Could fucking crawl faster than that.
Whose idea was it to get on that, anyway?
- Fucking yours.
- Fuck.
Hey hey, come on, we'll take these--
- Who the fuck's this?
(growling)
(loud thumping)
Have this in your fucking fanny.
Go on, get down.
(loud splattering)
Fucking head off, come on.
(repeated thumping)
Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop.
Fuck off, I'm chopping.
- Was he good?
In the sack.
- Why do you think I didn't charge him?
- Because you're a fucking idiot.
(laughing)
(growling)
(screaming)
(repeated thumping)
- [Boris] Hit the cunt.
- I am hitting him.
- Hit him.
- Fucking move, man.
- Hang on.
I always wanted to be a fucking whaler.
Fucking whaler, eh.
- What the fuck you doing?
- See, I never fucking liked you, did I?
And this is what you get when you mess with
Pervo and the Tinkler.
You fucking fat whale.
- Whoa, man, he's dead.
- Oh, look at that, eh, you fat fucking bastard.
- Hey man, leave him a bit of dignity.
(Pervo shouting)
What you taking his pants off for?
- [Pervo] Go on, Free Willy.
Come on, let's get 'em out.
- Fuck this, man.
You're weird.
- Oh, look at that eh, look at it.
Boris you got any wet wipes.
- There's a tap here. You wanna wash that fat bloke
off your hands?
- Aye, gan on, then.
- The fuck are you looking at?
(rock music)
(groaning)
What you doing?
Have you just shot your muck? You dirty bastard.
Fucking get away, you horrible fucker, piss off.
- Sick of all this walking.
Come here, give us a piggy back.
- Get off.
- Alright, calm down.
Bloody Village People reject.
- Piss off.
(growling)
- It's a zombie.
It's a midget zombie.
- It's not a midget, it's a kid. What you doing?
- [Pervo] Kill it.
- I'm not killing a kid.
- Just kill him.
- You kill it.
- Oh, there's more of them! Away!
(screaming and growling)
- Right. - That was close.
- What's wrong with you?
- What?
- Grabbing her boobs.
There's kids in there.
Have you got no shame?
- No.
- Come on, let's go and find Kat and Dahlia.
- Aye, it's a gorgeous day, innit?
- Aye, it's not bad like.
Get off.
(laughing)
What's the crack with locking us out the caravan?
- We'd no choice.
- I can understand him, but what have I done?
- Sorry.
- You were in there having a bit of
girl on girl, weren't you?
- Is that all you think about?
- Yeah, it is.
- Now we get Pervo.
- Come on, we need a plan. We need to get out of here.
- Why can't we have a foursome first?
- Did somebody say foursome?
- What's the crack with all these zombies?
- Zombies, where?
Oh, yes.
- What's the crack with all these guns?
(screaming)
- For fuck's sake.
(laughing)
- What the fuck?
- Come on, Pervo.
- Come on then, eh, come on Queensberry rules.
- It's a loaded weapon, you pansy.
- I don't care, come on.
(gunshot)
Fucking shot me nose out.
(maniacal laughing)
Boris.
- [Boris] Yeah.
- [Pervo] If we get the loop.
Get amongst it, man.
- Wakey wakey, Pervo.
(laughing)
- Boris, Boris!
- Eh, what?
What the fuck?
- I thought we were friends.
- Friends!
(loud thumping)
- Oh, ya fucker.
- Don't make me laugh. You're pathetic.
We knew a simple lure of some tits and arse at a party
would get you here.
- What, what've I done like?
- What've you done?
(loud thumping)
You killed my whole fucking family,
that's what you did, you fuck.
(loud kicking)
- Oh ho, ho, ho, ha.
- Who are you, anyway?
Titty Longstockings?
- I'm Octavia Zander, daughter of the famous
Henry Zander III.
- So were you in the cult then?
- It wasn't a cult, it was a glorious paradise.
- Titty paradise.
- Ugh.
- So where were you? I never saw you.
- Well out, obviously.
But anyway, this isn't about me,
there's someone that wants to meet you.
- Brad Pitt.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh, oh, it's my sexy clown man.
- For fuck's sake, get off.
Don't fucking touch the nose.
Told you about that last time.
- Ooh, ooh.
- You smell worse than a dead trout.
- That's caviar to you.
- Don't you hurt my sexy clown man,
you naughty, naughty boy.
- Oh, Mummy.
- You lot are mental.
- You still haven't said what you want with us.
- We've got plans for Pervo.
- Oh, big plans, I see.
- Ugh.
- Right when they come out I'm gonna shoot Bertie.
Then we can get Pervo.
(screaming)
(single gunshot)
- Come on then, snap 'em.
- Fucking trying.
- Well try fucking harder.
- You fucking do it.
- I've tried, I fucking can't do it, man.
- Well fucking try.
- I have tried.
- Try again.
(loud groaning)
(loud farting)
- Oh, that was a bad idea. I think I've fucking shit myself.
- Oh, fucking hell, man.
- I tell you, it's gonna really stink.
Sorry, sorry.
(crying)
Oh, it wasn't that bad.
- Fucked up about Kat getting shot, like.
- Fuck her.
- That's fucking nice, innit.
- Ah, fucking, she's useless, man.
Didn't like her anyway.
She wouldn't let us shag her. It's fucking useless.
- Fucking didn't like you.
- [Pervo] Ah, what, she liked you, did she?
- Fucking lot better than she liked you.
- Come on, snap it.
- [Boris] I'm trying.
- Well when you gonna fucking do it?
I'm sick of waiting on you.
- I tell you what it is, if I get out of this
I'm gonna fuck you up.
- You're as bad at snapping a bit of fucking rope
as you are packing my fucking bags.
- Shut the fuck up, you stupid idiot clown.
- Ooh, what's up with you?
- I don't wanna die.
- What, and I do?
- Least you've got that repellent shit on ya.
- And you really think that's gonna work?
- Well, at least we've got a chance.
He hasn't, has he?
- Oh, cheers.
Fucking idiots.
- [Pervo] So what, half the fucking world's
fucking zombies, anyway.
- Ah, fucking infecting the water.
What type of fucked up plan is that?
- You're gonna be right, man, you'll be alright.
Don't worry about it.
- This is not how my life was supposed to be.
Doing that zombie film was supposed to be the start of it,
not the end.
How stupid do you have to be to do Zombie Women of Satan?
- Well, we all do stupid things, don't we?
I took a job with this wanker.
- You fucking love it. Don't try and pretend you don't.
I know you do, I've seen you.
You love it.
I've seen the way you look at me.
- [Boris] I've seen the way you look at me, mate.
- Okay, girls, let's go.
- You fucking love it.
Don't try and give me that shit.
- I knew I should've took that job with Susan Boyle.
Oh, what the fuck now?
- Oh, it's the zombies Boris, eh.
Let's see if it works.
Can I have a bet? Five quid says it does,
five quid. - Shut up.
- Oh, alright, Zara, heh heh.
- Yeah, Pervo, oh shit.
Payback time.
You thought you could steal money from the Bad Habits
and get away with it?
I don't fucking think so.
(hissing)
You lot are fucking useless.
Pandora, go and keep an eye out for zombies.
- Uh, why me?
- Because if they come over here, I want them
to kill you first.
- Fuck's sake.
(growling)
(screaming)
- Oh, fuck.
- I'm offski.
- Boris!
Who's gonna pack me fucking bags now, you selfish twat?
Boris!
- Hello, hello.
Let me out, let me out.
Don't leave me.
Girls.
(loud growling)
Oh, shit.
(screaming)
- Oh, poor little Boris.
- He was 10 times the man you'll ever be.
Fucker.
Come on, untie us. I'm sick of this.
Get us up.
- I will but only if you agree to stand beside Mother
as King Pervo.
- Yes, I'll be King Pervo.
- First you need to consummate the relationship with Mother.
- What? I've got to cook with her?
- No, you idiot, it means have sex with Mother.
- What, have sex with your fucking Mother?
- Okay.
(maniacal laughing)
- Fuck off.
(laughing)
- Oh, mighty Evil One.
We ask you to witness this clown's body
and to join his soul with mine,
for he is the one who truly belongs to me.
- What you doing?
You lot are mental.
- Along... - Jesus Christ.
- ...with my own...
- [Pervo] Cuckoo.
- ...I give you the offering of this man's blood.
All I ask, oh Desolate One,
is that you give this clown to me in the underworld,
so we may spend the rest of eternity together.
- Think yourself lucky.
Mother wanted you to be King of England,
and I wanted to rip your fucking head off.
So me and Mother came to a compromise.
You will be King, but you're gonna be a zombie king.
- Someone help me.
Help.
Boris!
Oh fuck, he's a zombie.
- Sexy clown man, do you willingly offer yourself...
- No.
- [Mother] ...to the Desolate One?
- 'Course I fucking don't.
Though, I'd rather the Desolate One than you.
- Then I shall take what is yours.
- Ow, you fucking bitch.
Oh, lick me, lick it, go on, lick it good, you ginger bitch.
You sick fucking bastard.
- Now we shall be together,
for your sacrifice...
- Someone help us.
- ...followed by mine...
...will unite us forever.
- Mother, what are you doing?
- What you doing, you stupid ginger fishwife?
Put the knife away, man.
(laughing)
She's fucking done it wrong.
- Did she just do the sacrifice the wrong way 'round?
- Oh shut up, you bitch, die.
Fucking die.
- What you stabbed her for?
I know she was fucking useless,
but you didn't have to kill her.
- Oh, my God.
Mother!
Oh my God, she's dead.
- [Bertie] She-- No, she can't be.
- Oh my God, yeah.
- [Bertie] If she's dead, then who's gonna be
queen of the zombies?
- Well I suppose we, we're gonna still have to put
the virus in the water
and you and me could be King and Queen of England.
Oh, yeah.
But first.
- [Pervo] Fuck off.
- Let's kill this ugly bastard.
- Well, can I have a blow job first?
- Bloody hell, Bertie, defend my honor.
- [Bertie] That's it.
- Fucking hate you.
- You've asked for it.
(maniacal laugh)
Die, Pervo.
(gunshot)
(screaming)
- Svetlana!
(growling)
(rapid gunfire)
Quick, Octavia's getting away.
- No!
Yes.
- Drive this, bitch.
- Oh, fuck.
(loud explosion)
- Am I glad to see you.
Heh heh, good shooting, my Russian doll.
- No problem, baby.
- If you insist.
Oh, just untying me.
- I never wanted to kill you.
It was Zara who wanted you dead.
She has a hell of a temper.
- I bet she was great in bed, too, eh.
(laughing)
Hey hey, no worries.
- But there is still the matter of 40,000 pounds debt.
- Away.
- No, I'm only joking.
Now go and get your clothes on
and let's get the fuck out of here.
- Well, me clothes are in the shed, when I was tied up.
Why don't you just strip off too?
(laughing)
Okay, boss.
- Go and get your clothes.
- Okay.
Poor Dahlia, stuck up tart.
I never wanted to shag you, anyway.
Fuck you.
Get me shag on with that Svetlana.
Where's me clothes?
(tense music)
(gasping)
Oh, Boris.
Look at the state of you.
Shit.
This'll do.
Oh, not again.
Fuck's sake.
Fuck.
Sorry, big man.
(splattering)
Sorry, big man.
Boris.
I'm sorry.
(sad music)
Oh, Boris, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, big man.
Oh, fucking hell.
I didn't mean to get you. Look.
Fucking, I didn't mean to chop your cock.
You weren't a big man after all, were you?
It doesn't matter, I loved you anyway. I loved you.
Boris.
We could've been so good together.
We could've gone rambling.
Matching cagoules, anything.
(sniffing)
Oh you still smell so sexy, as well.
Oh, your 'tache.
Oh, I wish I could've felt that between me legs.
Oh, Boris.
I didn't mean it to end like this.
Boris.
Oh, it's--
I'll never forget that smell.
I'm gonna take your willy with us.
Yeah I'm gonna keep that forever, to remember you by.
Right.
- Where've you been?
Killing zombies.
- Yeah.
- Let's see if anybody else's left alive.
- Let me wash this blood off first.
Oh, I needed that sleep.
- I can't believe we're the only survivors.
- I can't believe I killed Boris.
He was so gentle and protective.
Gonna miss him.
- Would you like a hug?
- That Russian bitch.
(screaming)
- Zombie!
- He's mine.
- I don't think she was a zombie.
- No shit!
- Well, why did you shoot her, then?
- Because you shouted zombie.
- Well, she was screaming like all the others.
- Oh, fuck her.
- I did.
(laughing)
A few times.
Oh, she was great.
- Do you think that I'm that easy?
- Yes.
- I'm warming to you.
Let's go find the car.
- Hey, cool car.
- It was Zara's, but it's mine now.
- So now what?
- Well I'm taking over the Bad Habits.
- Really?
- Yes, but you won't be able to afford us.
- What?
- We'll cost more and fuck harder.
Well maybe I'll give you a few freebies.
- I like the sound of that, aye.
Hey, I remember her.
(screaming)
No hang on, hang on.
Look at her, ha ha.
Come on.
Look at her. She can't get me.
Ha ha.
Hey hey, look at me, hey hey.
Can't get me, ha ha ha.
- Just kill her, already.
- Oh, hang on, wait.
Wait.
(gunshot)
Oh, what you doing?
- Have some respect.
- Look at them.
Oh, going to waste.
- Come on.
- I wanted to shag a zombie, though.
Look at this.
- That was Pandora's.
- Hey hey, awesome.
So, where now babe?
- I don't know.
Let's just see where the Pervo magic take us.
- Hey hey.
Get amongst it.
(rock music)
* I sat and thought of us tonight *
* And read some things between the lines *
* We share a silent bond of love *
* We shall be friends until we die *
(gasping)
- Shit.
- [Male voice] Bertie Dumble.
You have been saved, my child.
(very tense music)
- Gooch of a griffin.
- The nipple of a porker.
- Arse of rabbit.
- Sweat of a ginger.
- Acting skills of Daniel Radcliffe.
- The essence of Thatcher's rabbit.
- Spaff of dragon.
- We beseech you, Dark Lord,
keeper of the seven gates of hell,
accept this life so that we can command
the essence of death.
(maniacal laughing)
(loud hissing)
(rock music)
* They came out of nowhere
* Covered in gore
* On a mission from Satan
* They're evil to the core
* Fucked up and crazy
* Eyes burning hate
* Bleeding all over
* They'll have your head on a plate *
* It's all been really calm now *
* They're really fucking vicious *
* Wicked and malicious
* They wanna destroy
* And take a bite of me
* Calling for blood
* Looking for meat
* God forsaken heathen
* Don't turn up the heat
* It's all been really calm now *
* Fuck your redemption
* All they do is kill
* Nothing's gonna stop them
* It's all for the thrill
* Beautiful body
(giggling)
- Hey Svetlana, send some more women down.
Excellent.
Good stuff, this.
Free hookers and booze.
Let's get the film on.
I'll get my cock out, eh, ladies?
- [Girl] Ooh, you've got a cute little willy.
- [Pervo] Shut up.