[Man On P.A.] This is... This is something, man.
This is our generation, man. We're all together, man, and it's groovy.
Dig yourselves, 'cause it's really groovy.
Hello?
****[Rock, Faint]
****[Continues]
** [Continues]
[Hockey Player Grunts]
Oh, yeah! Whoa!
****[Continues]
- ** [Stops] - Aww!
- Shit. Fuse box again. I got it last time. - I know.
- [All Chattering] - Um...
- [Boys Grunting] - Excuse me.
Excuse me. Is, uh, James Andrews around?
What are you, a narc?
No, no, I-I'm a pre-frosh. I'm just looking for, uh, James Andrews.
Heads up!
James Andrews... Oh, Droz. He's in the hall, room two.
Yeah, um... D... Wh...
The basement.
- Face-off! - Come on. Follow me.
- [Puck Slapping] - [Boys Grunting]
[Grunting, Groaning]
End of the hall.
[Clears Throat]
Go ahead. Last door on the left.
Hello?
- Uh... - [Snoring]
James?
[Snoring Continues]
Uh, excuse me.
Ooh.
- Uh... - [Snoring Continues]
Uh...
- [Gasps] - Coffee.
Coffee now!
Uh... Aah!
There.
All right, what do you need? Bottle rockets? Dental dams? Reddi-wips?
Term papers.
Uh, actually, no. No, I'm Tom Lawrence. I'm a pre-frosh.
Uh, I'm just up here a-at Port Chester just...
just to see if I want to go here.
What am I, a stop on the tour?
Actually, a-a-admissions arranged for me to, uh...
t-to spend the night at y-your frat.
Gee, Scooter, frats were banned in the '60s.
They were?
Let me see that.
I don't believe this. I've been pimped by admissions.
- Okay. Want some advice? - Well, yeah...
Here's all you need to know. Classes: Nothing before 11:00.
Beer: It's your best friend, you drink a lot of it.
- Women? You're a freshman, so it's out of the question. We have a car? - No.
Someone on your hall will. Make friends with them on the first day. Anything else?
Yeah, um...
Look, uh, can anyone just, um...
live in these big houses with... with girls?
Times have changed in the past 30 years, Tomás.
We no longer swill sherry and screw goats for fun anymore.
I'd love to tell you all about it, but...
- Should I just leave my stuff in your room? - Uh, no.
Look, I'd like to help you, but we're cutting in on my nap time as it is.
But the good news is, I got just the guy for the job.
- ** [Heavy Metal] - Yo, Gut, what's up, baby?
- What's up, Droz? - Aaaaah!
- Got any smokes, baby? - No, man. Last one.
Listen, Tom-man...
- ****[Volume Down] - Tom-man here's a pre-frosh.
- I told him you'd show him around. - Hi.
- No can do. - Whoa, Gut. Can't or won't?
Can't, man. It's grunge night at Vienna House.
The Merkins are opening for Frog And Toad Are Friends. I gotta psych up for the show.
Frog And Toad Are Friends. That's with the guy from the Clash, right?
- The... - The Clash.
I don't know if you're aware, but there actually was music recorded before 1989.
What is this? You're gonna wear this to the show?
You're gonna wear the shirt of the band you're gonna go see?
Don't be that guy.
Hey! Hey, hey. What's up, my brothers? Here we go.
- [Both Chattering] - Just a quick moment... That's all right.
- Mullaney. - Yeah, what's up?
- Is this a pre-frosh? - Yes.
And you're showing him around the campus? That's really swell.
Make sure he gives you the special bicentennial tour... 200 years of bullshit.
- You little bitch. - Yeah? Now we're even for the Milk-Bones.
You signed me up as a weekend host.
- You swing bag. - Sucker!
- Milk-Bones? - Spring break.
I filled his suitcase with dog biscuits coming back from Jamaica.
- Hmm? - Drug-sniffing dogs went ape-shit.
I got one more idea.
- [Tires Screeching] - Pigman.
- Pigman! - What's he doing?
He's finishing his senior thesis.
Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory.
No matter what time it is, you can find a Michael Caine or a Gene Hackman movie on TV.
- Wait, that's his thesis? - Yes!
That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy.
You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit. Have a seat.
There's the TV. Pigman's got you covered.
Call me for the shower scene in Dressed to Kill.
Uh... [Sighs]
What?
Did I tell you that I'm from Delaware?
Really?
Well, I mean, I just spent s-six hou...
six hours on a public bus just to come to Port Chester...
to decide if I want to come here.
So maybe I should see the campus or a pep rally or a tailgate party or...
Okay, okay, I... I've got it.
Here's the deal.
You gotta get all this '50s cornball shit out of your head.
It's a whole new ball game on campus these days, and they call it P.C.
- "P.C."? - Politically correct.
[Droz] And it's not just politics... it's everything.
It's what you eat, it's what you wear and it's what you say.
If you don't watch yourself, you can get in a butt-load of trouble. For instance...
- [Droz] See these girls? - Yeah.
No, those are women. Call 'em girls, and they'll pop your figs.
- Save the whales! - Gays in the military now!
- Free Nelson Mandela! - They freed him already.
What?
Those women?
Those aren't women, Tom.
Those are "womynists."
You know, I saw the new Madonna video last night.
[Snickers] Un-frickin-believable.
See the one in the middle, the one with the blonde hair?
- [Tom] Yeah. - She's looking at me, isn't she?
Kinda. Do you know her or something?
Hey, Sam, isn't that the guy that you used to, uh...
Yeah.
- You went out with a white male? - I was a freshman!
- Freshperson, please. - Please.
- Go talk to her. What's the problem? - Watch this.
He's coming over here. Sisters, form a wall!
- [Whistle Blows] - [Sam] No, you don't have to do that.
Wow. Hi. How you doin'?
Uh, is Sam in there?
"In there"? What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, cock man oppressor.
Uh, thank you.
Maybe one of you could just tell her that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
Okay.
What the hell was that? "Mr. Pokey"?
I think he meant his, uh, phallus.
You participated in a phallus naming?
No. No. I have no idea...
You stay away from him, Sam. He's an animal.
You know, this place is kinda insane.
Wait till you meet the causeheads.
The what?
- What don't we eat? - [Crowd] Red meat.!
- Why don't we eat it? - It's murder!
- What don't we eat? - Red meat!
Why don't we eat it?
These, Tom, are your causeheads.
They find a world-threatening issue and stick with it... for about a week.
What's up? What happened to the ozone layer?
That was last week. Now it's meat.
Grill's serving up chili burgers, but they're not letting anyone in or out.
I love chili burgers. What about you, Daves?
- [Both] Yeah. - Let's do lunch.
- [Woman] What don't we eat? - All right.
- Red meat! - Why don't we eat it? - It's murder!
- What don't we eat? - [Crowd] Red meat.!
- Why don't we eat it? - It's murder.!
- What don't we eat? - [Mooing]
- Red meat.! - Don't eat us!
- It's murder! - Remember, cows are our friends.
- What don't we eat? - Red meat.!
- Why don't we eat it? - It's murder.!
The charred flesh served in this cafeteria...
- Oops. Paint. - [Gasping]
[Cheering, Laughing]
Horse butt.
And the nontoxic paint we've just thrown on you...
- Moonbeam, I like your style. - Like blood from the scorched flesh of innocent creatures...
Go. Go. In. In.
Wha... Wha...
[Moonbeam Continues, Faint]
You may be saying to yourselves...
what of the hungry students of this university?
And were to have penned them in a pen...
with the use of their legs and hands completely doomed...
then they would understand the plight of the veal calf.
Now I say to you...
- every student on this campus... - [Feedback]
Were to starve...
- it would be worth the life of a cow or a calf... - [Mooing]
Yum.
Hopefully this will not come to pass, but if it were...
who is to say that the life of a six- month- old...
- [Crowd Cheering, Murmuring] - No!
- What the hell? - Hey!
- Ha ha! - Ow!
Hey!
[Moonbeam] Stand your ground.! Stand your ground.!
- [Giggles] - [Moonbeam Continues, Indistinct]
[Crowd Screaming]
Now.
[Grunting]
Here's lunch!
- [Moonbeam Continues, Indistinct] - [Screaming Continues]
- [Droz] Nicely done, gentlemen. - Now what?
Now we run.
[Yelling, Chattering]
[Yelling Continues]
[Laughing]
Dave.! Dave?
[Man] And the walls are painted white...
and the chalk is white...
and even the copy machine paper is white.
Excuse me.
- This, my friend, is the white devil's conspiracy. - Meat-tosser!
Stop the violator!
Huh?
Ohhh!
[Yelling]
[Shouting, Screaming]
"Level of insensitivity." "C"...unconscionable.
"Offended."
Oh, thank God. President Garcia-Thompson.
Students, fill out those forms and don't skip a line.
- It was those persons in the Pit again. - I know, Moonbeam.
Those Pit offenders are single-handedly destroying...
the sensitivity levels on this campus.
- But... - Of course I can't simply throw them out of school.
After all, they're still 15 complaints away from expulsion.
Don't worry. Their day will come.
Um, Ms. President?
There's some preppy person in your office.
Madras ties. Sweet.
McPherson, what the hell are you doing?
Ooh, pretty outfit.
Real summery. What is that, Dacron?
How many times have I told you not to meet me here?
- I have a reputation to uphold. - Don't run from your feelings.
I think it's time people know the truth about us.
The truth, McPherson, is that you disgust me.
The only thing we'll ever have in common is a hatred of the Pit.
Just give it time.
The information, Republican.
Signed, sealed and...
snatched rudely... what a surprise.
Perfect. I'll bring it to the Pit immediately.
And we'll call the movers.
- Hey, Jack! - [Gasps]
Floor's closed unless you're working on a thesis. You working on a thesis?
Uh, no, no, I'm lost. I'm just trying to get back to the Pit.
Well... [Coughs]
Don't get your balls in an uproar.
Just follow me.
[Typing On Keyboards, Beeping]
Get your feet off the desk!
Uh, what's everybody doing?
Finishing their theses, fuzzhead. They're due Monday morning.
- Now, there's the door. - Oh, thanks.
Whoa! [Groans]
[Grunts] Damn it.
What?
[Shouting, Yelling]
Hey, Cecilia, you gonna be free tonight?
- Why? - You wanna have dinner?
- With us? - What, like a date?
Yeah.
- Oh, God. - Whoa!
Katy, I was thinking, when we start that song it's gotta be a lot faster.
- You mean like this? - ** [Riff]
- Man, you're in my chair. Get out. - Ow. Ow. Oww!
Remember to make mine extra crispy, Gut.
Yeah, be careful, man. I like it rare, not cold.
I got ya.
So this is the sewer where you persons breed your anti-community crimes.
Hello, Mrs. Garc...
President Garcia-Thompson.
Hey, monkeys, how about a little respect?
The presiding person of the university just walked in.
** ["Hail To The Chief"]
Stop that. Turn that noise pollution down.
- ** [Stops] - [Laughing, Chattering]
Please put out that cigarette right now.
Oh. All right.
Do I need to remind you that this house already has enough complaints...
to qualify for a sensitivity awareness weekend?
You passed out cigarettes for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day...
you installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps...
and most recently you dumped a hundred pounds of...
meat on a peaceful vegan protest.
That was way more than a hundred pounds.
- Very amusing, Mr. Andrews. - Thanks.
- [Laughing] - Here's something you won't find quite so funny.
This, offenders, is your damage bill for the semester.
The total comes to $7,568.
Housing forms for next year are due Monday...
and if that bill isn't paid, this house will be repossessed.
- What? - You can't be serious, right?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bicentennial to plan.
- [Mullaney] She's serious? - [Cecilia] This sucks.
- [Gut] Ma'am, can... Ma'am, hello? - [Kissing Sounds]
- Seven thou? - We're in deep shit, huh?
- Where are we gonna live? - It's, like, three weeks before school ends.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time to revive an ancient tradition...
we seem to have long forgotten.
They confiscated the altar, Droz.
No, I'm not talking about human sacrifice, Ceel.
I'm talking about something we used to do every Saturday night as a matter of principle.
Here's a hint.
Legions of hand-stamped meatheads...
and coed naked lacrosse T-shirts...
power-chugging watered-down Meisterchau...
regurgitating on the glue- matted floors.
Kiln-like temperatures, fights with townies...
lines of drunken people waiting for the bathroom.
Wait a second. You guys are talking about a party.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Gutter, tell her what's she's won.
We get some beer, we have a band...
and we overcharge at the door.
Droz, there's no way. We'd need an all-campus party to raise enough money.
No one's been able to pull that off in years.
- You know what happens. Half the school protests. - The other half boycotts.
Yeah, and even if we could get them all here, it'd be a total P.C. war zone.
Well, there is one other option. We get jobs.
- I vote party. - I can't handle a job, man.
Sounds good. What do you want us to do?
So, uh, who's on beer?
Uh, well, that would roughly be you, Gut.
I suggest kegs... multiple, cold and domestic.
I have to meet Mersh in Jerrytown for my ride to the show.
Okay, well, you call those useless Frisbee-chucking cheeba-monkeys...
and tell 'em you're gonna be an hour late.
Ceel, Katy, Raj and Deege, your band will play.
- Oh, sweetJesus! - Droz, we don't even have a name.
Get a name, give it to the Daves, they'll put up the flyers.
- On it. - Pigman.
- Huh? - Stay put.
We charge five bucks a head. MasterCard and Visa accepted.
Droz, what happened to that cute preppy kid?
Who?
The pre-frosh.
That's a good question.
[Shouting, Yelling Continue]
[Panting]
[Shouting, Yelling Continue, Becoming Louder]
[Girl] Over here.!
Hey! Get him!
What's up, Mersh?
Gutter. [Sniffs] What's up, bud?
Tried to call you guys, like, six times, man. What's the deal?
- [Chuckles] - [Laughing]
Listen, Mersh, uh, I gotta get beer for this party tonight...
so I'm gonna be a little late for my ride to Hartford.
Oh, sorry, Gut man. No can do.
[Chuckles] The grand master of funk...
descends on the civvy at 8:00, man, and we will be there.
Mersh, you hate punk.
Funk, Gutter.
Funk. George Clinton.
[Laughing] Parliament Funkadelic.
Dude!
Aren't you a music major?
Yeah.
[All Laughing]
Maybe you guys could just give me a lift to the liquor store then.
We got intramural finals this afternoon, man. Sorry.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Have a bong hit.
[Gut] What good is that gonna do me?
Just one little binger to brighten up your day.
Come on, man. [Laughs]
Just one hit.
Then I gotta go.
[Man #1] Look at the stitching.
- It's gotta be L.L. Bean. - [Man #2] Yes.
[Man #1] But can he be trusted?
[Man #2] Look at his tie.
His complexion.
He's definitely one of us.
[Exhales] W-W... Where am I?
You're safe now. Allow me.
Carter Prescott, pledge master of the secret fraternity of Balls and Shaft.
Tom Lawrence, pre-frosh.
Bantam Draper.
Um, so this is a frat?
The school outlawed fraternities in 1967, Tom...
and Balls and Shaft was forced to go underground.
We lost our house, now the detestable sore known as the Pit.
Since then, our numbers have dwindled...
but we're always on the lookout for new members.
- You guys used to be in the Pit? - I know. It's sad.
The swine in there, they're dirty, stupid.
Worst of all? Poor.
- [Knocking On Door] - I'll get it.
America's greatest president?
- It's me, Rand. Open up. - America's greatest president?
Damn it! Who is Ronald Reagan?
- A casual shoe for yachting. - What are you trying to figure out, B.D.?
Who could I be? [Sighs]
- What is a blucher? - They killed Jesus Christ.
Who are theJews? Open up, sucko!
Gentlemen! I got some good news, and I got some bad news.
The bad news is...
you're an idiot.
Don't ever make me wait outside that door.
The good news is, Thompson just delivered the information.
By now the Pit will have started planning their little soiree.
About that, Rand... What if their party does come off?
Does anyone get what I'm doing here?
Does anyone follow me?
We want them to have a party, steak head.
We want them to have the loudest, most offensive party in school history. Capisce?
[Sighs] Hi!
Well, well, I see we have a new pledge. Mayflower material, I presume?
- Huh? - It's a boat.
Your ancestors obviously didn't come over on it.
But, hey, it's the '90s. We'll take what we can get.
Gentlemen, we got a job to do.
[Crash]
Naugahyde Windpipe.
Too metal.
Oedipus and the Mama's Boys.
Too college radio.
MyJohnson Is 12 Inches Long.
Interesting, but it doesn't sound like a band name.
I've got it...
Everyone Gets Laid.
Katy, the womynists will be all over us for that one.
Ow.
What do you think about this? Tonight at the Pit, Everyone Gets Laid.
Mmm, that's tasteless, disgusting and offensive.
I like it.
[Cecilia] Cool.
- [Droz] Daves, go make those flyers. - Hey!
- What are you guys doing? - Us?
Oh, we're seniors. We're going to the game.
- Outside! - Whoo!
[Both Groaning]
- Hey! - Remove that nail, butcher.
- What's your deal? - I just heard that tree shriek.
How would you like it if I nailed a sign into a layer of your fat?
Try it again, and you're toast.
Save the planet. Peace.
This is a total drag.
Just give up, man.
Well, what do we have here?
****[Up- tempo Rock]
- ****[Continues] - Let's go! Whoo!
- [Crowd Chattering, Shouting] - Yeah! Look at him go!
- Ooh! - Whoa- ho.!
- Oh, my good, good God. - Murder!
- [Droz] She's got a little stiff arm.
[Yelling]
- Oh, wow, man! - Punk.
- Hot shit! - ****[Continues]
Yo, isn't that your old freshman roommate?
Oh. Yeah.
Randall "Pee- burn"McPherson. I wonder what brought him out ofhiding.
Must be a Klan meeting.
- Yeah. - Damn, look at 'em.
Must have been hellish living with that guy for a year.
[Girl Giggling]
[Girl Moaning]
- [McPherson Clearing Throat] - [Droz Laughing]
[Continues Clearing Throat]
[Girl] Hey, wait, come back!
Oh, come on! Go to sleep! Go to sleep!
It's time to go to sleep! Oh, my God!
- [Shrieking] - [Shrieking]
Get away from me, you freak!
- You freak! [Wailing] - [Shrieking Continues]
Stay on your side!
A total nightmare, man.
What the hell is takin' so long?
[Whispering]
[All] Swirly!
[All Laughing, Hooting]
Pride of the Port Chester sports program, Tom.
Hippie Olympics.
Doesn't matter who wins, 'cause they're all losers.
You know, it's sad, really.
This school used to be a bastion of rich, white elitism.
And now... now they let homosexuals on the football team.
Whining minorities run the student government.
And you can't even coerce a woman into having sex...
without being brought up on charges.
What is this world coming to? Really?
[McPherson] Come on. Let's go.
My pappy'd puke ifhe saw this bunch ofbug- eyed toads...
chasing a scrap of plastic around.
Hey, ponytails.! You suck.!
Hi. [Chuckles Nervously]
We're gettin' housed here, guys.
I say we bring in Blotter.
- Whoa! - [Together] Blotter.
[Hippies, Dreamily] Yeah.
[Chuckling]
- [Loud Whistle] - [Barks]
****[Rock Resumes]
- [Chattering, Shouting]
- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
Yeah, Blotter! [Laughing]
You're just buggin' me!
Uh-oh. This is me. I'm going in, coach.
- Cover me, man. - Yeah, yeah, whatever.
****[Ends]
Sam? Hey! Wow. What are the odds?
Droz. Two times in one day.
- What's come over you? - I don't know. Must be hormonal.
[Womynist] What the hell is he doing here?
Afternoon, ladies. Looking good out there.
- Yeah, whatever. - Jerk.
They're not gonna castrate me for sitting here, are they?
Yeah. That's what they got planned for halftime.
- [Gasps] - Ohh!
Now look who it is.
- Meat-tosser! - [Whining]
[Shouting, Yelling]
[Tom Screaming]
Jesus Christ. [Chuckling] I know that kid.
What is he doing?
- I'm open! - Aaah!
Ohhhh!
- Hey! - [Shouting, Yelling]
That weasel snagged the "bee."
[Chuckles] All right.
Bong hits, anyone?
- [Laughs] - All right.
So, I heard you're finally graduating.
Yeah, yeah. It's pretty stupid, huh?
I mean, how could I leave all this?
What about you? You got any plans?
- James Andrews, my old friend. - Hey, Rand.
Samantha, my buttercup.
I hear you're having a party tonight.
Can't go.
But we're all taking bets on how many of you will get arrested.
You remember this guy. He skippered Hitler's catamaran during the war.
Yuck it up now, dipshit. Your nightmare's just beginning.
I think the womynists will be quite interested in your little scribblings.
Oh, yeah. That's where I'm headed.
Samantha, always a pleasure.
See ya.
[Sighs] Gentlemen.
Ladies?
A Pit party?
Mmm. Warm, flat beer.
- [Exclaiming] - Soggy chips. Think about that.
That's just what I need to help me figure out my life.
Stop the penis party!
Get away from him!
- Come on, Sam! - Let's go.
- Hey, Sam, what about tonight? - Don't talk to him!
Shit.
Whoo-hoo! Yea!
[Tires Screech, Horn Honks]
Hey, watch it, you schmuck.!
Get the beer. Get the beer.
[Whispers] Okay.
Excuse me. Can you blow me where the Pampers is?
What?
Can you blow me where the Pampers is?
[Whines]
Can you show me...
where the campus is?
Yeah, sure.
She knows.
Okay, just... just go here for a minute.
I shouldn't have smoked that.
I just, uh, want to pay tribute...
to, uh, both your courage...
and for your, your eloquence...
and for the dignity...
in which you've conducted yourself.
Thank you, Senator.
It knew it was going to be bad when I was nominated.
I did not know it would be this bad.
Could you have guessed that some people...
including people on this committee...
would dredge up stories about drug use?
Wh... Wh...
W- Wait a second, gentlemen of the courtroom.
[Laughing] This guy... is Gutter, man.
[Hippie] The Gut man.
[Mersh] He comes over, man, smokes two major bong loads.
He knows how to carve and everything!
[Hippie] Loads the size of your head, man.
I... I didn't exhale?
- Works for me! Good answer! - Whoo!
- [Coughs] - [Gavel Bangs]
[Whining]
Oh, man, what a nightmare.
[Sighs] Oh, man.
[Panting]
Oh, shit, the beer!
Oh, shit!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Chattering]
[Garcia- Thompson] I think Bisexual Asian Studies should have its own building.
The question is, who goes?
The math department or the hockey team?
- Excuse me. Andrea, the members... - It's Andréa.
I think hockey.
Call me about it.
The board of trustees is very concerned...
about the state of unrest among the students.
There has been a protest on this campus every day...
and frankly, we're sick of all the bad publicity.
Oh, really?
We're particularly concerned about tomorrow's bicentennial.
It will be the most highly attended alumni event in years.
Gentlemen, relax. Tomorrow's ceremony has been planned to perfection.
And as for the students, I have a special surprise for them.
What are you talking about?
I'm going to announce the changing of the school mascot...
from the offensive Port Chester Indian...
to an endangered specie.
Gentlemen, meet our new mascot...
the Port Chester Whooping Crane.
[Chittering]
No! Wait! No!
Look, jerky, no liquor sold after 8:00.
Connecticut blue laws.
After 8:00? Aft... I missed my ride to the show!
Hey, look. It's a college boy.
- Anybody wanna beat him up? - [All Laughing]
Nice tie.!
This totally bites.
The first time we've ever been asked to play in public, and there's no public.
The Yankees are back in town...
Fuse box.
Aaaah! Pins and needles!
[Groans] Pins and needles.
[Grunting]
[Continues Groaning]
You guys, you knocked the plug out. Hello!
[Daves Together] Hey, Raj.
- Hey, Daves, what happened to the flyers? - Huh?
The flyers. I haven't seen one up on campus.
- We put one up. - Damn, man!
- Great. - One flyer? - We're screwed.
There is one thing we can still do.
- Play some loud and abusive tunes? - Exactly.
Do it. Plug my ass in.
Yeah.
[Both Giggling]
[Whispers] Yeah.
Play Metallica and they will come.
We should have handled our own publicity.
[Moaning]
[Groaning Softly]
[Murmuring, Chattering]
[Sighs] Whew.
[Man] Whooping cranes.
Garcia-Thompson's making sandwiches without bread.
That bitch is giving me gout.
Oh, just be patient, Cordeau.
The way she's going, she'll hang herself.
[Cordeau] I'll buy the rope. You find the tree.
Just one man talking...
but I don't get this wholeJames Bond Rasta...
I wanna know how this became about me all of the sudden.
- [Yelling, Cheering] - This is a miracle.
The monkeys pulled it off.
[Yelling, Cheering Continue]
- What the hell's going on here? - Hi, Droz.
Uh, are we having a party tonight, or what?
Well, there's no publicity, so there's no people.
Gutter never showed up, so there's no beer.
Our instruments just blew out, so there's no band, and Raji and Deege may be dead.
Wait a minute. No beer?
Where the hell's Gutter?
Probably in a parking lot somewhere picking his nose.
- Well, there's one consolation. - What's that?
We haven't been protested yet.
Does anybody know why there are 24 womynists beating bongos on our lawn?
Stop the style of oppression that this house...
- What? - Let's check it out.
- Yeah, man. - Comin' through. Comin' through.
- [Womynists Shouting] - All right.
Deadly Zulu drum protest. Haven't seen one of those since my third sophomore year.
- [Cecilia] Full- on response. - [Dave #1] I wish the balls weren't dead.
You try and spread joy...
and then the P.C. shock troops...
just shut you down.
Don't they want to have a good time at least once in their lives?
[Shouting Continues]
That's a damn good point.
Okay, now, it's true...
the majority of students today are so cravenly P. C...
they wouldn't know a good time if it was sitting on their face.
But there is one thing that will always unite us and them.
They're young!
They may not realize it yet...
but they've got the same raging hormones...
the same self-destructive desire to get boldly trashed...
and wildly out of control.
Look out that window. That's not a protest.
That is a cry for help.
Stop the penis party! Stop the penis party!
They're begging us.
"Please have a party! Feed us drinks! Get us laid!"
[Droz Screams]
That's a pretty strange theory, Droz.
Yeah. Besides, we don't have a band or any people, man.
- We don't have... - [Together] Any beer!
We've got loose keg sightings near the freshman dorm.
Two cases of zinfandel spotted near the faculty club.
And here, the mother lode... the bicentennial ball.
- Moles, you're on the air in 10. - Got it.
Ceel, you're on bongos. Me, Dave and Dave are on beer.
Katy? You're a freshman.
Find 2,000 people.
Hey.! Hey.!
It's about time the university embraced multiculturalism.
- [McPherson] Hey.! - It really is.
- Excuse me. - Of course. - Uh-huh.
[Man] What was that all about?
What is the complaint count now?
- [Woman] Hello, Andréa. - [Man] Nice to see you.
Only three this afternoon.
But my community crisis bulletin just went out. Okay?
Well, don't worry, my fair maiden. We will get our quota.
And by the way, have you seen their tasteless flyer?
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
Is there no limit?
Well...
what I figure they did was...
they cut out a picture of your head and pasted it on another, different picture.
I've done a little collage work myself.
B.D., do me a favor...
and don't ever talk.
[Horn Blares]
****[Hip- Hop]
Hey, kid.
You know how to get back to I-84?
Where you going? Hartford?
Yeah, man, we got a concert. We should've been there at 8:00.
I know. The Merkins and Frog and Toad.
- What? - The bad news is...
the 84 is a half hour away...
and then Hartford's another 45 minutes on the freeway.
We should've followed the other bus.
We'll never make it now. We might as well go home.
- Yo, dread. - Yeah, what's up?
Since you missed the show, you think you could give me a ride back to my house?
- Yeah, come on. Get on. - All right, shotgun.
Which one's Rand's?
The cherry Beemer. Thanks, Dad.
I can wire it. Can you get us in?
It might take a little time, but...
yeah, I think so.
- ****[Funk] - That was George Clinton on WPCU with "Tear the Roof Off. "
Clinton's headlining the Civic tonight...
but you can't afford a ticket, man... sorry.
- ** [Continues] - Moles, how's it goin' brother?
- Great show, man. - Thanks, man.
Not really. Listen, I got a favor to ask.
Well, that's good thinkin'.
Oh. Ooh. Eek.
Ow...
Toss 'em in back.
[Grunts]
- Sun roof. All right. - [Laughs]
- Rand's gonna piss his pants when he sees his car. - You think so?
- ****[Continues] - Good evening.
We interrupt this broadcast for a special announcement.
[Mullaney On Radio] Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms...
playing cards and eating pizza?
Is this the way you spent the majority of your four years in college?
Would you like tonight to be different? You just don't have any place to go?
Well, now you do! So turn off your radios and head on over.
Tonight, 10:00 p.m. at the Pit, Everyone Gets Laid.
- ****[Continues] - [Shouting, Chattering]
- Yeah! - [Shouting, Laughing]
[Sighs]
K-Katy?
Katy!
It's the pre-frosh.
Stay.
Hi. We were wondering what happened to you. Where you going?
Uh, I'm... I'm gonna go home.
You're leaving?
You... You've only been here, like, 10 minutes.
I know, but I've already managed to piss off the entire campus.
No offense, Katy, but this place is a nightmare.
I'm probably just gonna wind up at State.
[Sighs] Yeah, well, we're all gonna be boring our butts off at State...
if I don't find, like, a thousand people, pronto.
- What do you mean? - We gotta raise seven G's by tomorrow, or we lose the house.
- The Pit? - Yeah.
Damage bill came in.
We're trying to pull off this all-campus rage, and I gotta get people.
All I got are these foreign exchange students.
- It's looking pretty grim. - I can't believe this.
I mean, you're the only ones that haven't tried to kill me since I got here.
Yeah, but...
you're probably not gonna be coming here anyway, so...
don't sweat it.
[Horn Honks]
Um, your ride's here.
It was nice knowing you.
Katy!
You said you needed people, right?
[Droz] Am I okay on that side?
No, no, no...
That's good.
- ****[Piano] - [Guests Chattering]
Hey. Hey!
I'll take care of ape man. You grab the bar.
Hey there, B.D.!
Andrews. You're not supposed to be here.
Hey, that is one great tie. Is that yours, or did you borrow it?
- It's mine. - Really? That is amazing.
I've been looking for something just like this. What are those, little snails?
- They're jockeys. - Really?
'Cause, uh, they look like snails.
Listen, uh, what kind of beer do you got?
- Uh, well, we don't have... - On second thought, what am I doing?
I'm driving. Make it a scotch.
- What? - You're right.
You're a good friend, B.D. You saved my life.
I mean that. You're a hell of a guy. I'm never gonna forget this.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
There's a very interesting studies group...
** [CD: Piano Stops]
A vodka tonic, please.
[Droz] Ninety- nine. Repeat.
****["Afternoon Delight, " Loud]
The last time I saw them, they were over here.
[Murmuring, Chattering]
Brothers, I saw him at the cafeteria this morning.
- He was recruitin' for the C.I.A. - C.I.A.?
I heard he injected all the meat with hormones before throwing it off the roof.
He is wearing brown shoes with a blue blazer.
- I mean, can you believe it? - Eeew.!
- What are they so pissed off at? - Watch this.
Hey, butt-licks!
- Remember me? - Jesus Christ, Tom!
[Shouting, Yelling]
- Ha-ha! Let's go! - Oh, shit!
[All Chanting] This penis party's got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
This penis party's got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
This penis party's got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
This penis party's got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
This penis party's got to go!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
- This penis party's got to go! - * Kumbaya *
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!
* Kumbaya, my Lord *
[AllJoining In] * Kumbaya *
- Everybody! - * Kumbaya, my Lord *
* Kumbaya *
* O Lord, Kumbaya *
- * Kumbaya, my Lord ** - ** [Radio: Heavy Metal]
[Making Engine Noises]
Droz, Droz, what are we gonna do when we don't pull this one off, man?
Uh, bake sale?
What's up, Droz? What's up, Moles?
- You screwed up big time. - The store was closed.
No, I put my trust in you to handle the beer, and you violated that trust.
- Yo, Gutter, gotta go. Where it at? - Oh, right in there.
What's happenin'?
Listen, don't charge these guys, Moles. They just gotta use the can.
They're with me.
- Droz, th-that was... - Do you have any idea who that was?
- They're just using the can. You made your point. - That was George Clinton.
- I'm sorry! - Listen to me. Parliament. The P-Funk All-Stars.
- Come on. Tell him. - Dr. Funkenstein?
The man is the king of interplanetary funk.
- Tell him who it is. - It's George Clinton.
- The guy with the hair? - Yeah.
Gut, you're a legend.
Yo! There are no chicks in here. What did I tell you?
Yeah, man, there's not even any chips.
Chips! Chips!
[All Chanting] Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips!
- [Chanting Continues] - [Exhales] Oh, hold it.
[Toilet Flushing]
- Man! - Y'all got to clean that place up.
- [Laughing] - Gutter, get a mop.
Listen, uh, we couldn't help but notice that you're George Clinton.
- Yeah? - Listen, George, we've had a real bad day.
The president of the university has been spanking us with a seven-grand damage bill.
We were gonna rob a 7-Eleven. We don't have enough ski masks.
So what are we gonna do? We're gonna throw an all-campus rocker.
The only problem is, we don't have the artillery.
Please, what you want from me? What you tryin' to say?
- We were hoping you could play our party. - What?
Can't nobody make no face that ugly and not be serious.
[Chuckles] We'll do it, man. Jesus.
Gut, get the band off the bus. Put the whole band in here.
Just tell everybody to come on out.
- That's so great, man. I'm gonna be right back. - Yeah, man, I got ya.
Boy, y'all goin' overboard with this black awareness. That boy got a rap.
Well, it's equal opportunity.
- Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips! - Fellas, I got...
- Fellas! - [Chanting Stops]
Chuck, Porterhouse, Rib-Eye, I know exactly how you guys are feeling.
In fact, I can think of only one thing that could lift my spirits right now.
- Beer. - Beer.
[All Chanting] Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer!
- I think I'm missing a piece. - Yeah, me too, man.
Let's give up, huh?
Guys, guys, we've got an L.A. -sized riot of thirsty men with no necks...
screaming for brew.
[All Shouting] Yeah!
- Back up! - Get away!
** [Tuning]
Yeah, that's close enough for funk, baby.
Thanks, but I think I know how to tune my ax...
- Yeah, I'll bet you do. - Oh, my God. George Clinton.
- Woof! - Hi.
Just the dog in me, baby.
Oh, shit! Hi!
- Why don't you play me a song? Go ahead, girl. - Uh...
** [Dramatic]
Pig, gotta change your P.J.'s. We're having a party.
[Whispers] Shower scene.
Oh.
Droz.
- Droz! - Yeah?
I don't wanna burst your bubble, but we got a slight problem.
- What? - No guests.
[Chattering]
How you doin'? Hey, what up?
[Chattering Continues]
- [Shouting, Yelling] - Yeah, that's right, man.
All right, sit down.! Okay.! Okay.!
Hold on a second, everyone.
I understand you all met Tom.
- Yeah, yeah, I fucking met Tom! - He snagged our disk!
I know, and he's gonna pay for it.
Moles, take him downstairs and beat the shit out of him.
- Yeah! - Sorry, kid. You heard the man.
- No, no, not that! - Okay, justice has been served, everybody.
- You can go home. - [Shouting, Grumbling]
Wait. If you guys aren't doing anything tonight, we've got George Clinton inside.
- [Crowd Exclaiming] - He's tuning up on the main stage.
- Sounds like another one of the white man's lies to me. - [Shouting In Agreement]
****[Funk]
- ****[Continues] - [Woman] Hey, check it out.
Or maybe not. Let's check it out.
Hey, wait a minute. What about us?
Yeah, that little dork tripped on the main plug and lost all our theses!
Okay, that's no problem. You guys come with me.
The rest of you, five bucks a head, the line forms to the left.
Okay, what's your major?
- Um, particle physics. - Ooh, that's a tough one.
Let me see... Ooh.
"Motion of Helium Atoms In An Excited State." Watch out. It's a scorcher.
- Next. - Uh, Sanskrit.
Sanskrit. You're majoring in a 5,000-year-old dead language.
Yeah.
Okay... Ooh.
Latin. It's the best I can do.
- Next. - Phys Ed.
Phys Ed. Okay, you're out of my room. Seriously. Get out.
- [Microphone Feedback] - Hello, Port Chester University.
[Hooting, Cheering]
This is...
George Clinton.
George CI-Clinton...
Parliament Funkadelic.
And the Parliament Funkadelic.
- [Cheering Continues] - ** [Funk]
All right, man.
- ****[Continues] - All right, sisters, we've had a mild setback.
But we've regrouped. Let's mobilize.
- ****[Continues] - Isn't this George Clinton?
No. Couldn't be. It's gotta be a cover band. He'd never play the Pit.
It does sound like him... though.
Guys, I think we should bag the protest.
- [Gasping, Shrieking] - What?
But, Sam, their party flyer promotes the objectification of women.
Maybe.
But they've also got a really kickin' party going on.
That's great, Sam.
Why don't we just forget about fighting the phallacracy for a few hours...
and go have a good time?
- Right? - Exactly.
****[Continues]
- Excuse me. - [Woman] Come back.! You can't go.!
How can she leave us?
[Whining]
We're locked in! [Breathing Heavily]
I'm a black man. There's nojustice for me here in America.
I should be at the front of the line.
Yeah, well, I'm gay and subject to ridicule and discrimination wherever I go.
Women are oppressed throughout the world. Give it a rest.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hey, Moles. How are we doin'?
Got about a thou here, plus I got Cecilia on the other door.
What other door?
- Hold it! One or two? - What?
- One or two? - [Scoffs] Two.
Four bucks. Four bucks.
Light a match.
Gutter, take the can, will ya? Take the can. Two to stand, four to sit.
Hey, hey, hey! Not so fast, superguy.
- Have a good party. - Whoo-hoo!
Party everybody!
Look at this unbridled display of testosterone.
- Makes me sick. - Do it, man! Go on!
- Hey! - What's up, babes?
Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!
- [Laughing] - You want a brewdog?
We're not interested in your penis!
Wait. I think he's offering us a beer.
Um, yes, we would like... a... beer.
Okay. Gimme a beer! Gimme a beer!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
It's, like, if you're nice to them, they bring you things?
Exactly.
Raji, Deege, get up. Come on. We got company.
Hey, Droz.
Hey! You know what, Droz?
- What's up, baby? - I'm 18!
- Uh-huh? - Yeah! I'm up at college for the weekend!
I'm gettin' wasted at one of the greatest rages of all time!
- My parents... they're nowhere in sight. - Nowhere.
T-T-There are women all around me.
- Right. - Why the hell am I talkin' to you?
- No idea, baby. - I don't know!
Do it, big guy! [Laughing]
Whoa!
- Hey! You made it! - Yeah! Decent party.
I can't believe the naked guy showed.
Naked guy! Excellent butt!
Now it's a party!
- Gangway! - Hey!
Gutter.! Hey, Gut man.!
- Hey! Gutter! - What's up, Mersh?
Total nightmare scenario, man.
We spotted you, like, 20 minutes in the ride lot.
No show, right?
Discouraged at the Civvy, and next Clinton bails!
Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe, man!
Clinton is playing right here!
Marvelous! Whoo!
[Whining]
Move! [Yells]
Tom! Tom!
****[Continues]
Hi!
- Hey! Whoa! Hey! What's goin' on? - What?
Uh, hey, do you want to go someplace?
****[Vocalizing]
[Grunts] Ow! Don't!
[Chuckles]
Move it, you little pervert.
[Straining]
- [Yells] - [Grunts]
Round up your cohorts, McPherson.
You're getting your house back.
Yes!
I have some big news.
Seven thousand... five hundred... sixty-eight dollars!
The damage money and 100 to spare!
[Cheering]
- Who wants to break some more shit? - I do!
- [Man On TV, Indistinct] - [Gunshots]
** [Vocalizing]
A Bridge Too Far.
Caine and Hackman in the same movie together!
This is my thesis, man! This is my closing argument!
I can stop watchin' TV!
Yeah!
[Yelling]
[Roars]
- [Garcia- Thompson] Stop it right now.! - [Crashes]
Moonbeam, what are you doing here?
All right, everyone.
You've let these warped nihilists corrupt you long enough.
- Back to your dorms. - Funk you very much too.
Let's get the hell out of here, y'all.
We don't need this shit. Stompin'no more.
- Boo.! - Party- pooper.
Thanks for tanking the party. That was real nice.
But I got some bad news.
We actually raised enough money...
so we're keeping the house.
Recognize these, Mr. Andrews? They're complaint forms.
And between today's activities...
and tonight's little exercise in offensiveness...
I can assure you there are more than enough to kick you all off campus.
All right, boys. Let's close it down.
I warned you your attitude was disrupting this campus.
The students have spoken. You're out of here.
Bye. Thanks for the party, oppressors.
I've got one question.
If we're movin' out, who's movin' in?
Hi, everybody. Hey, what's wrong?
Aw, looks like you guys went all out tonight.
Raised $7,000. Wow!
What's the matter, forehead? Trying to figure it out?
Well, let's see. We give you the damage bill.
You, of course, predictably throw a disgusting party...
all the freaky freakies come out of the woodwork to protest...
and you're out ofhere.
Well, we still trashed your Beemer...
you screaming preppy asshole.
- [Laughing] - Right.!
That's not my car.
[Alarm Beeps] Warning. You are too close to the vehicle.
Huh.
Now get off my lawn.
Move!
Wait a second. You guys can't let them just walk in and take the Pit.
We could go Waco on 'em, man. We could blow up our own house.
Nah, ran out of explosives. What we need is a plan.
Okay, Garcia-Thompson's the president.
She's the one that's kicking you out. Right?
- Yeah. - What if she wasn't the president anymore?
Sounds nice in theory. But how are we supposed to pull that one off?
I overheard some old guys talking.
They wanna get rid ofThompson, but legally they can't...
not unless she screws something up really, really big.
****[Marching Band]
Whoo. Whoo.
I'd like to welcome everyone to Port Chester's 200th anniversary celebration.
Before we get started, please observe...
that your program notes have been printed on recycled paper.
- Birthdays are a way of remembering one's history. - Perfect.
Those homeless people at the Pit didn't even bother to show.
They're probably grubbin' quarters at the bus station by now.
Welcome P.C.U.'s most recent change...
our new school mascot...
the Port Chester whooping crane.
Hey, guys, it's a beautiful day, isn't it?
- Oh, God. Not now! [Struggling] - Hey, what's up?
- [Grunting] - Threatened by hunters and developers...
and those awful plastic six- pack can holder things.
But here at Port Chester, she will be closely watched and tended to...
safe from the natural habitat that is so fraught with danger.
- Oh, my God. - [Student] I hear they taste like chicken.
- What's he doing? - Let's give it up for Andrea Garcia-Thompson...
and her amazing and impromptu rare bird show.
The bird show. The amazing bird show. The wonderful bird show.
- The bird show.! - [Cheers]
I don't have a lot of time to say this but I gotta get something off my chest.
Last night, my house threw a party...
and I thought that we all finally got along.
We had a good time.
But we got so many protests, we broke so many rules...
that we got booted off campus.
You know, it used to be the administration's job to make rules.
It used to be us against them. Now it's us against us.
I've been here seven years and I gotta tell you guys...
what's going on here is about America.
- Shut up. - It's about democracy.
It's about the Bill of Rights, basic cable, call-waiting, free trips to the salad bar.
It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country.!
We can do something about this.
We can finally say...
that when some people are having a good time...
and drinking some beers, throwing some meat...
that we're not gonna protest.
In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I'm sorry.
If we couldjust say that, if only to each other...
just this one time...
that we're not gonna protest.
That we're not gonna protest?
We're not gonna protest!
[Droz] We're not gonna protest.!
We're not gonna protest!
[Chanting] We're not gonna protest.!
We're not gonna protest!
This is not good. This is really not good.
We're not gonna protest!
We're not gonna protest.!
Chant sheets! Get your chant sheets. Right here.
We got placards here. Placards here. We got 'em.
Okay, we got placards here. We got placards for everybody...
We brought our own.
[Chanting Continues] We're not gonna protest!
We're not gonna protest.!
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Everyone, please, take your seats.
- We're not gonna protest! - Be quiet.! I'm asking you to be quiet, everyone.
Be quiet.!
B.D., get us out of here before they touch me.
[Whining]
Please take your seats. Be quiet.! I'm...
Thompson, your inability to control the students...
has convinced us that you are an ineffective president.
What? What are you talking about?
You're fired, Thompson. Dismissed. Booted. Sacked.
History. Shit-canned. Out of here.
What are you doing? B.D., go beat up the pre-frosh.
- The little kid? - He's a Pit spy, Neanderthal. Kick his ass.
Thanks, guys. I feel much better now.
Oh, Okay. Thank you.
We're not gonna protest.!
- Gutter is a tool. - [Crowd] Gutter is a tool.
We're not gonna protest.!
Here's to Balls and Shaft!
[Groans]
I scheme for months and it all gets screwed up because you can't control the students!
Never send a woman to do a man's job!
You cocky, pointy-nosed little Reaganite.
If you hadn't provoked them, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Excuse me? Reality check here. Earth to tall bitch.
What is your fault? This is.
Hey, poor boy, go and have your parties with all your new friends.
I can see it now, Andrews.
You and all the knee-jerk, bleeding heart liberals...
sipping tea and playing patty- cake, and those useless...
hippie potheads, those commie- pinko leftists...
the bunny huggers, the pillow biters...
Wait. Which ones are the pillow biters?
The butt-pirates. And those beastly man-haters.
Tell those chicks to shave their pits and call me.
Goddamn whiny crybaby minorities. You can keep 'em all.
Rand McPherson, everybody.
Just remember the 9:30 show is completely different from the 7:30 show.
Enjoy the meal.
- Come on! Come on! - [Whining]
And in light of your valiant actions to save this house...
we all think it's time to take part in the one tradition left over...
from the dark days of Balls and Shaft.
Tom Lawrence, prepare yourself...
for initiation.
Just try to relax.
- Uh, Droz. - Yeah?
- There's my bus. - What?
- [Gutter] Oh, man. - [Horn Honks]
Damn! Well, just gonna have to get you next year.
[Chuckles]
Don't let him scare you.
- It's only hurts for a minute. - Check her out.
Yo, Gut man. Watch the stylings on the youngster.
Nice.
- I'll see ya. - [Groaning]
- In the fall. - Yeah!
- All right, little half- chunk. - Bye, Tom.
What? You want it? You want it?
[Katy] Hey, Cecilia, wait up.
- Am I interrupting anything? - No. We were just rehearsing.
- The Nutcracker. - Really?
Yeah, on ice.
Should be pretty decent once we get Gutter up on skates.
- God, I think I'd actually pay to see that. - You would?
Let's get out of here.
You and I. Seriously. Just hit the road.
Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a cup of coffee.
- A cup of coffee? - Yeah.
Let's do that.
- Hey, let's drive down. - Indeed, driving for coffee.
We don't have a car.
I do. For the weekend anyway.
My aunt loaned me her red BMW convertible.
Really?
****[Rock]
Aah!
Eng subs ripped by ..::McLane::..