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(light perky music)
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(light gentle music)
(Mike and Jennie laughing)
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
(both chuckling)
- What?
- Nothing.
- Oh come on, what is it?
- No, it's just it's cute.
Mr. Commit-a-phobe is all committed now.
- Yeah, well, I've grown up.
I'm practically an adult.
Aren't you poud.
- Yeah, I am actually.
Mike, 'cause there's something that I need to tell you.
I'm pregnant.
(tense music)
(Jennie laughing)
- Oh.
Oh!
- Oh, I knew you were full of it!
- No, I'm not full of anything,
but why are you gonna go and ruin my picnic
with talk like that?
- Oh relax!
Come on, there's no need to bust out
the vacuum cleaner again, I'm just messing with you.
- Funny.
- Come on, I really am.
- But
kids don't have to be the end result
of everything, you know.
Well, I mean people get married because of them
but you shouldn't.
Look, I've always believed that if two
people love each other then they can just
live together and that's enough.
I mean, what's the point of marriage, right?
If something happens you can just walk away.
There's not messy courts and divorce and stuff.
But look, that was before I fell insanely in love with you.
And I realize that I don't want it
to be easy for you to walk away from me,
I want you to be stuck with me.
Oh, this speech sounded better in my head.
Somehow more romantic.
But what I'm trying to say is--
- Oh my god, are you proposing?
(Mike chuckles)
Shit, sorry, just do it again!
I'll pretend that I don't know!
- Fine. - Please.
- [Mike] Jennie I--
- Yes!
(Jennie laughing)
Oh my God!
It's perfect.
I love it.
I love you.
(slow gentle music)
Look at that!
♪ What if I told you that I miss you ♪
♪ Even though you're right here by my side ♪
- Oh, you're just perfect!
♪ I can't bring myself to quit you ♪
- Here, I want you to make the rest of the tables
look just like this one!
♪ No matter how many ♪
♪ Time I tried ♪ - You be careful with that!
♪ We bend, we break ♪
♪ Pretend we ache ♪
♪ For a past and better times ♪
♪ The only truth ♪
♪ This love for you ♪
♪ You're the only worry on my mind ♪
(man whistling)
♪ It's getting harder to remember ♪
♪ The further you slip from my hand ♪
- What a night.
- Do I know how to throw a bachelor party or what?
(Mike laughing)
Oh, it's just like the good old days.
- Thanks man.
- Look man, she's almost done.
Faster than I thought.
- She's still got a ways to go,
let's give her a hand. (Ewan groans)
- I paid her to clean!
Let her do her thing and relax.
- Mr. Ewan
- Oh, throw those out please.
(fast upbeat music)
♪ Wake up when the sun is warm ♪
♪ Killing my time 'cause it really doesn't matter ♪
♪ The only reason that I'm living is for last night ♪
♪ Yeah you should've been there ♪
♪ Yeah you should've seen it ♪
♪ Cougars on the prowl ♪
♪ And the dudes we're just hanging around ♪
♪ So much cheap perfume ♪
- Whoa, whoa!
These are (speaking Spanish).
♪ And I got no choice ♪
♪ But to burn out fast ♪
♪ If I wake up tomorrow ♪
♪ I really don't care ♪
- Good morning Jerry.
- Hey sailor.
(Jerry grunts)
Awe man, you know the best cure for a hangover?
More alcohol.
(Ewan imitates train chugging)
- Oh shit!
(men laughing)
(beer dripping)
(Jerry grunts)
- Best bachelor party ever!
- Imagine waking up somewhere man,
anywhere but here,
and having to drive all the way to the wedding.
- Woo!
- Yeah, I mean,
you wouldn't get as much sleep,
you probably shouldn't even be driving.
Dare I say, you might even be late?
Fortunately, I'm a genius.
You have the bachelor party here,
the wedding's out there,
and the cleaning lady take care of the evidence.
Thank you.
You know, I deserve like one of those genius awards.
Like a,
like a Nobel or something.
- Yeah, because you and Stephen Hawking
keep getting screwed over when it comes to Nobel Prizes.
- You know what, whatever man.
We haven't had a night like this in ages,
and you cannot honestly tell me
that you're not gonna miss all this.
- Miss this?
I'm closer to 30 than I am to 20.
I've got a career, I'm about to have a wife,
I think I might be considered an adult now.
- You guys are old.
- No.
We'll always be young, right here.
- Oh, no, I'm done.
- Fine, chief. - Hey, and so are you guys.
- [Mike] From this point on, I expect you to
be on your best behavior.
You will get up, get dressed,
and behave like perfect gentlemen.
Nothing can go wrong today.
(Ewan sighs)
- Yea, you need to relax, it's just a wedding.
- No!
This is the most important day of my life!
Jennie's the perfect girl,
and she deserves the perfect wedding.
- And her family's loaded,
so impressing all the snobby relatives
should help even the playing field a little bit.
- Right.
Wait, no!
That's not what I meant.
I want Jennie to know that as long as we're together,
I'm gonna give her the perfect life.
And that all starts with today.
(phone beeping)
Hey baby.
- Hi yourself cowboy.
You sound better than I expected.
I thought I'd be talking to a sad
little hungover Mike.
- You are.
- Did you guys have fun last night?
- Yeah.
A bunch of drinking, cigars,
bunch of guy stuff, you know how it is.
- Yeah, guy stuff, that's what I'm worried about.
- Hey, I made a promise didn't I?
- And you kept it?
- Of course I kept it.
No strippers on the night before I get married.
I make a promise, I keep a promise.
- Woop!
Hey!
'Kay, so you're getting married later on,
but until he officially signs his balls away to you,
he's still one of us! - I love you baby!
- Okay bye! - Call me later!
- [Mike] Real mature.
(Jennie laughs)
- All finished Mr. Ewan.
- Whoa, wait, can we at least check the place?
Make sure it's all clean?
- No we cannot, because if you look around,
you'll see that it's spotless and that you need to relax.
Yeah.
- Yeah okay, all good.
- You see.
(speaking Spanish)
Bachelor party fund officially out.
Every dollar well spent.
- Thanks.
- Boys, I would call last night a success.
(Mike and Ewan chuckle)
- There he is.
- What happened to you last night?
Last thing I remember, you were offering the
stripper beer and towels.
- Yeah, she looked cold.
- Really?
The stripper looked cold?
- See, that's the difference between you and me.
You gotta pay attention to a woman's needs.
Spill a little game out and make her feel special,
she'll reward you.
- She's still here?
- So you and the stripper?
- She's still here?
- Damn it!
Damn, why?
You're always getting laid!
Do you have any idea how hard I work for sex
and I never get it.
- She's still here?
- Relax, it's not that big of a deal.
- No big deal?
Jennie will kill me!
I just got done telling her we didn't have a stripper.
Why is she still here?
- She'll be out as soon--
- Was she kinky?
Like did she do things normal girls won't do?
- Okay just calm down.
Jennie's not gonna find out, it's fine.
- There is a stripper on the premises
and my wife-to-be will be here any minute!
Calm is not a state I should be in!
- At least tell me how you did it.
What, I wanna know how he bagged a stripper.
Was it the towel thing?
I swear, if she slept with you over a towel,
I will never forgive myself.
- Yes Roman, how did you do it?
- Well, as it turns out,
it's not that hard to sleep with a hooker.
You just have to pay her!
Which brings me to my original point,
I need $300.
- [Mike] $300!
- No, no, no, no, no, we hired a stripper.
She can't be a hooker.
- I didn't budget for that.
- I just assumed that after I charmed her
she'd waive the fee!
- $300!
- Good morning boys!
Roman, babe, I just need my $400.
- $400?
- Do you by any chance take a check?
- We need her out of here now!
- Okay, we're working on it.
- No, you don't understand.
I want her out before Jennie reaches this house!
- [Stephanie] Jennie, this house is huge!
This is gonna be the best wedding.
- Oh, nice parking princess.
- Hey, I gotta take care of her.
I can't let other cars near my lady.
- I guess the guys are already here.
When do you think they got here?
- I got you girl, maid of honors on it.
- Hey wait! - No, where are you going!
- [Jennie] That's not what I meant!
- So, where's my money?
'Cause I'm not leaving until I get it.
- Of course you want your money, I get it.
And we have it.
But, would you mind putting some clothes on
while we grab it?
- I mean, the wife to be just gets
a little bit weird about strippers.
(everyone laughing)
- Well then you probably shouldn't of hired me then.
- It wasn't my idea--
Wait, why are you judging me, you're a hooker.
- Luxury lover, not hooker.
- Whatever!
Would you please just put some clothes on?
- Fine, but get me my money if you want me to leave quietly.
- Shit!
Okay, who's got some cash on them?
- I've got five dollars.
- Great.
Now we just need 395 more dollars!
- How 'bout this, Roman drives her to the ATM,
and on the way back, drops her off at
whatever street corner she hangs out on.
- Knock knock bitches.
- Megan, hi!
What are you doing here?
- Oh, nice to see you too.
- Sorry, it's just
you're here early.
Where's Jennie.
- You know she's not allowed over here,
so I'm kind of acting as representative
to make sure you boys are behaving.
- Isn't that thoughtful (phone ringing)
of you Megan.
- Hey!
- What's up stud?
- Hey you.
- Hi baby.
- Is it okay for me to talk to my husband to be now?
- Yeah, of course.
And if you need a visual,
your spy is over here checking up on us.
- Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
Let me talk to her, I'll get her out of your hair.
- So what did you guys do last night?
- We just, you know,
stayed in and drank and stuff
and just kicked it.
- You stayed in?
Like here?
- [Ewan] Yeah.
- [Megan] Well that seems boring.
- Ooh.
- Megan, you better get back here.
I think that vein in Steph's forehead's gonna pop.
(Megan giggles)
- All right, I'm out.
See you bitches at the wedding.
- Yes.
- Really?
You guys didn't do anything fun last night?
Seriously?
- No.
(door slams) - [Stripper] Ow!
- I tripped.
- [Stripper] What the?
- Megan, wow, how thrilling having you come here,
and especially in something that leaves
so much to the imagination.
Unfortunately the fellas and I have to get ready,
but you'll definitely be seeing us bitches at the wedding.
Thanks.
- Sorry about that.
- [Jennie] Hello, Mike, you there?
- Yeah, I'm here.
So how was your night?
- It was amazing, I had so much fun.
- Nice, then why don't you sound hungover?
- I just wanted to take it easy.
What are you boys up to?
- Well, we're just about done getting ready.
- Almost done with so much time to spare?
That's impressive.
- Actually, there's no time to spare.
The wedding is in four hours,
which means in two hours a whole bunch
of people are showing up!
Chop chop, get ready!
- Okay, okay, I have to go.
I love you.
- I love you more.
- About time!
- Relax, there's plenty of time.
May I help you?
- I was just looking for my phone.
- Oh, that.
- We went through this last night,
you're just gonna call Roger.
- No, no I'm not!
I need it to call the caterers.
- Oh wait, hold the phone, I'm the maid of honor here
and it's my job to call the caterers,
and I didn't really wanna do that,
so I gave that job to Stephanie.
- And, the caterers are fine.
So are the bartenders, so is the priest,
everyone is good to go.
So no phone for you!
- You guys suck!
(Stephanie scoffs)
- And what are you doing?
- Having a drink.
- No, you're not.
How many times do I have to tell you go get ready!
Relax, it was bad enough you ruined my fun last night--
- Please, you drank your weight in tequila last night,
you had plenty of fun.
- I could've gotten laid three times last night,
but thanks to Captain Cock block, I got no action.
- You're welcome.
You probably would've woken up this morning
with some kind of rash.
- Worth the risk.
- You're worse than a man!
Is sex all you ever think about?
- Name one thing that's better than an orgasm.
- I don't see what the big deal is.
- That's 'cause you probably never had one.
Wow!
I was just joking, have you seriously never had an orgasm?
- I've had one!
I think.
- Oh honey, no.
If you would have an orgasm, you wouldn't think.
You would know.
(glass shatters) (women gasp)
- I'm okay!
- Oh my god, you are being seriously unreasonable!
- Can we just take you to
wherever it is you go
and just stop at an ATM on the way?
- Don't you guys know nothing?
It don't work like that.
You go to the ATM before, not after you fucking mongers!
- Mongers?
- I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.
- Fuck it.
I'll go to the ATM myself.
Roman, give me your keys.
- All right.
- You cannot go, it's your wedding.
I don't know if you forgot.
- [Mike] I can't just let her sit here!
- Okay, somebody will go, just not you.
Just relax.
- Okay.
Roman, go alone, get her money,
and come back, fast, please!
- All right, done.
- Roman.
Roman?
What's the hold up?
- Yeah, my keys were right here last night
and now I have absolutely no idea where they are.
- Are you shitting me, look for them!
- I'm trying!
- Look, I will give you your phone if you get dressed!
- How 'bout, you give me my phone
and then I'll get dressed.
- You guys are such downers.
Beth, look, I get it,
it's a wedding and emotions are high,
but you and Roger broke up like a year ago,
and I'm pretty sure he was cheating on you.
And Steph, sweetie, you need to chill.
There's plenty of time to get ready,
and it's a wedding!
Enjoy yourself, have a drink.
- I am not 21 yet.
- Okay, so what kind of college student
doesn't have a fake ID?
- The kind that never breaks the law.
- So you don't drink ever?
Oh my god, you're a virgin at sex
and drinking, that's adorable.
- I don't have to drink to have fun.
Jen didn't drink last night
and we had plenty of fun.
- No, Jen drank last night.
- No, she didn't.
She had the same glass of wine all night.
- Jennie, how much did you drink last night?
- Not that much.
- Seriously?
What the hell?
- It's not a big deal, I just wanted to be
good to go for today.
- See?
But I guess after seven shots of tequila
things can get a little fuzzy.
- Oh, you would've had seven shots of tequila too
if you had to listen to Jen all night.
"What if Mike gets a stripper?
"What if Mike gets drunk with a stripper?
"What if Ewan makes him do stuff?"
- Oh, well luckily I was worried for nothing
'cause Mike was a perfect gentleman.
- Why did you sleep with her?
You get laid all the time!
- I don't know, I thought she wasn't gonna charge me.
- She's a hooker.
- Luxury lover.
- What are we gonna do?
- What do you say we put the freak out fest
on pause and grab some grub?
- Seriously?
- I'm hungry.
- Oh, oh, oh, I got it!
I found a quarter!
- Nice!
- That's 5.25.
- Pound it!
- You boys are seriously testing my patience.
Has it been made clear that I'm not
leaving this couch til I get my money?
- I'm dead.
It's over, I'm dead.
- I'm just spit balling here but
didn't you say Jennie's dad is rich?
- No!
No, no, no!
I am not asking my father-in-law
to pay for my friends hooker!
- [Ewan And Hooker] Luxury lover.
- I got it.
Hey man, if you got any other ideas, I am all ears.
- You know what, I don't get it.
I'm always so good with the ladies.
They love my smooth lines and my fun personality.
I don't get why she charged me.
- Dude, seriously!
Worrying on an empty stomach is bad for you, try some.
- Hey, hey, hey.
What the hell are you doing?
How many of these you have?
Stop it!
- Dude!
- Shut up, don't tell anyone about these
and sit down and just try to relax!
- Everyone knows how good I am with women.
Spit a little game at 'em, make 'em feel special,
show them how interesting I am.
- Are you seriously shocked that a hooker
- Luxury lover. - is charging you for sex?
- [Mike] Dude, that's what they do.
And you don't get girls because of the game you spit
or your charming personality,
it's because you look like a model,
you Dwayne Johnson looking motherfucker!
All right?
Now can we please just think for a second
and try to solve the real problem at hand?
(birds chirping)
- Look, I just need my phone--
- Again with the phone?
We get it, you miss Roger.
- No, I love him,
and I know he loves me too
and we could get through this if I could just talk to him!
- Didn't he steal from you?
- Yeah, but like you're so perfect!
Don't you guys get it?
I am already 26, if I meet someone now it takes what,
six months to get serious,
another two years to get him ready for marriage,
then probably another three years before we have kids,
and by then, I will be over 30-years-old!
I might as well be dead.
- Beth!
- Megan!
- Relax, she was getting annoying.
- Hey, has anybody seen the makeup girl?
- Oh my god, she should have been here by now.
Oh god, what are we gonna do?
- Panic, apparently.
- No, this is bad!
- You need to calm down.
- You're right, calm!
We need a plan of action!
What are we gonna do if
the makeup girl doesn't show?
- I'll do her hair, I can do hair.
- Oh sure, that'll be the same.
- It all looks so beautiful.
Keep doing what you're doing people!
I'll be right back!
- No.
- Knock knock! (door knocking)
- Dad, when did you get here?
- Oh honey, I've been here for hours!
We gotta get this place ready for a wedding
worthy of my little princess!
Thank you so much for letting me
be part of your big day.
We're just so excited to be here for you!
- Hello lovely! - Russell!
- [Russell] My god, you're the most
beautiful bride that ever was.
- I'm not even dressed yet.
- Still.
- Okay, we just wanted to check up on you.
We should probably get back
and make sure they're setting
everything up just perfect!
- You're beautiful.
- [Jennie] Thanks Russ.
- Just so beautiful.
- Out, out, out!
- Thanks you guys.
Bye.
So any word on the makeup girl?
- I can't believe this, why is she so late?
- Okay, it's okay, we have plenty of time.
No, no, no, no, no!
Please no!
- Jennie, what's wrong?
- My ring, my engagement ring is missing!
- Missing? - Well it's not on me.
- Where did you last see it?
- On my finger!
- I mean when.
- Last night, I'm sure I had it last night.
- I'm sure you had it this morning.
- Okay, perfect then!
It has to be here somewhere.
No big deal.
We'll look for the ring.
We'll check the bedroom, bathroom,
closet, everywhere, just get dressed.
- I'm not just gonna go get dressed, I need that ring!
- We'll find it.
- What if we don't find it?
- That is the absolute worst case scenario.
And if that happens, what's worse,
to walk down the aisle without a wedding dress
or without a ring?
I really feel like you should be getting ready.
- You guys, Mike saved forever to buy that ring.
It's more than just a ring,
and if I don't have it, he's gonna think
that I don't care enough and it's gonna ruin
today and tomorrow and the rest of our lives!
Okay, so,
whatever happens, we just can't let Mike
or any of the guys know.
(Beth screams)
Beth, what's wrong?
(Beth crying)
- She's on Facebook.
It's Roger, he just announced he's engaged.
- Oh, well great, 'cause I thought it was something bad!
- Shit.
- Guys, this is verging on ridiculous!
We gotta think of something to get rid of her!
Who is it?
- [Johnathan] Mike, it's Johnathan,
could I come in please?
- Yeah, just a minute, please.
Bathroom?
- Okay.
Candy, could you go to the bathroom with me?
(Candy giggles)
- Boy, you haven't paid me for last time.
- Oh, oh, oh, just so the brides dad doesn't see you.
- Oh.
Sounds like a personal problem.
- I am so sorry about this.
I know, I'm sorry. (muffled screams)
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I am, I'm sorry, okay.
(Mike and Johnathan laughing)
- Hi boys!
Mike, are you ready for your big day?
- Getting there, just gotta get dressed.
- You boys stay out of trouble last night?
- Absolutely, you know us.
- Yes, now there's always one in every group.
- What?
- Well, I just wanted to check in with you boys
and make sure everything is going well.
If you don't mind, I just need to use
the little boys room.
- No, no, no, no, wait!
Wait!
Roman's in there, and trust me,
you do not wanna go in there.
(Roman and Candy screaming)
- Oh!
Okay, well, I'll see you down the aisle!
- Okay, all right, see ya! (Candy screams)
He's got IBS.
- Yes, well,
maybe he should light a match or something.
(everyone laughing)
Oh yes, bye bye. - We'll see ya.
- [Candy] Asshole!
Don't any of you ever try anything like that again.
- She freaking pepper sprayed me man!
- She has secret compartments.
- Yeah Daddy, you ain't gonna believe this.
These fucking boys think they can gyp me.
No Daddy, I aint' going nowhere til I get you your money.
Thank you Daddy.
Y'all boys done fucked up now.
Daddy's on his way.
He'll be here in 15 minutes to fuck y'all up!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, whose Daddy?
And why did you call Daddy? (Jerry laughing)
- She called Daddy!
- What the hell could've happened to your keys?
- I don't know.
- [Mike] Screw it, I'm gonna ask the girls!
- Oh yeah, you know what, you should ask the girls.
That'll go real well.
- I'm not gonna ask them for the money,
I'm asking them for their car keys!
- Okay. - Roman!
- [Mike] Come with me.
- I can't be seen like this!
- Screw it, fine!
Ewan, come with me.
Roman,
you and Jerry stay here, (door closes)
make sure no one sees her.
- [Ewan] Oh my god.
- Megan, can you give her something?
- What do you want me to give her?
- I don't know, you're a nurse,
give her a sedative or something.
- Just because I'm a nurse that means
I walk around with sedatives?
- Doesn't it?
- Well yeah, but,
okay fine.
All right Beth.
Beth, you're gonna take two of these,
but don't operate any heavy machinery.
You forgot the pills.
♪ Was it my cologne ♪
♪ That made the fire burn in you ♪
♪ That piece of flash cast in your eyes ♪
♪ I feel it coming through ♪
♪ Hollywood, rainbow room, you'll find me mixing it up ♪
♪ One more glass of champagne, it's getting hot, hot ♪
♪ Fits like a glove, the way you stick it to my love ♪
♪ Infectious baby, drives you crazy ♪
♪ Tangles from the rope you cut the line I get the joke ♪
♪ Infectious baby, drives you crazy ♪
♪ Everything you want is what I got ♪
♪ So bring it back, come on ♪
(Spanish music)
(door knocking)
- I'll get it.
You can't be here right now.
- I'm sorry, but we need your car.
- No!
- Seriously, we gotta-- - Wait!
(door slams)
- Who was that?
- Mike and Ewan.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, he can't see me right now!
- I know, that's why I shut the door.
(door banging)
- Can you just get rid of them?
- Fine.
What!
What is so important that you need to be here right now?
- A lot, so just give us your keys.
- Sorry dudes, no one drives my car but me.
- Why are you making this so difficult, all right?
We'll take super good care of your car,
it'll be super quick, we'll have it back before you know it.
- Super quick.
- Fine!
- Yeah.
Thanks, Megan.
- Megan's car, go now!
- Seriously guys, I'm a really good driver.
I don't know what happened.
Wanted to help, tried to go to the ATM.
- Son of a bitch.
- That's my bad.
- [Roman] Seriously dude?
- Roman, I am really sorry about your car,
but we can deal with it later.
Please, go get Megan's car and go to the ATM!
- That's not gonna happen!
Okay, you guys aren't gonna believe this,
but I couldn't go to the ATM because Megan's car...
(imitates explosion)
- Wow, so you crashed Romans car into Megan's car?
- I know, what are the odds, right?
(Jerry yawns)
I'm tired.
You guys do your thing and...
- Guys, I'm not a doctor,
but I don't think he's supposed
to sleep after an accident.
- Jerry, wake up!
I think you need to see someone,
like go to the hospital or something.
- Hospital?
- No, no, Jerry doesn't wanna go to the hospital.
Isn't that right Jerry?
- Why not?
- Because if you go to the hospital
and tell them you crashed two cars because you were high,
I'm pretty sure you'll go to jail.
(men laughing)
- I'm not high.
What are you talking about?
- Those were weed brownies, dummy.
You're faded.
- Daddy's gonna be here any minute.
- What do you wanna do?
(Jerry screams)
- I don't wanna go to the hospital!
- Why not?
- No
hospital.
- He's gonna walk it off. - Hospital.
- [Roman] Megan could be the next best thing.
She is a nurse.
She could help.
- Yeah.
(door knocking)
(tense music)
- Daddy?
- Sorry I'm late.
Marsha, hair and makeup.
- Oh, wrong room!
Bride's on the other side, down the hall,
all the way over.
- Mike, I think we're out of options here.
I think we send him down the hall
to get patched up by Megan
and have him ask for the money.
- I can't send Jerry to ask for the money!
He's so out of it, he wouldn't last two seconds
if Megan asked why.
- Okay, well, send Roman then.
They'd question him, then he'll just distract them
with his pectoral muscles or something.
- Okay, Roman, go get Jerry
and take him to go get fixed up!
Go!
And please, please remember,
only ask Stephanie for the money, not Megan.
And don't say hooker or luxury lover or whatever.
Just be discreet.
(Jerry imitates chicken)
- I can walk by myself!
It's not like I'm high or anything.
- That's what I was thinking, you should go by yourself.
Think about it, girls love a bad boy,
and you look bad ass right now.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Plus, if I go, I'm just gonna throw salt in your game.
You go in there by yourself,
you'll have the girls eating out of the palm of your hand.
Especially Megan, she's a nurse, right.
What do nurses like?
Injured people.
I guess I can go and you know--
- No!
I wanna go!
You think you get the ladies all the time?
My turn!
- I guess that is only fair.
It's okay, you go, I'll stay,
we can both walk in together.
And don't forget what Mike said,
about who to talk to and stuff.
Good talk, okay.
(door knocking)
- [Daddy] Open up baby, it's Daddy!
- You boys better get that,
you don't wanna keep Daddy waiting.
(door creaks) (Mike grunts)
- Hey Jerry, been a while.
(Jerry screams)
- Oh, hey devil.
- Hey bud.
I just wanna make sure we're on the same page
about this telling Megan about the hooker thing.
- Oh, I'm not supposed to do that.
If I do that, the guys said that they would--
- Yeah stop, because we know that Roman's
gonna try to bang Megan at the wedding.
- Bastard!
- Right, bullshit!
But you know what, if you told Megan he slept with a hooker,
she's not gonna bang that jackass.
But you know who she is gonna bang?
Jerry.
- Cool. - Yeah.
- [Off Screen] Whoa! (harp music)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't do that.
If you stop and think for two seconds
about what he just said,
you'll realize how dumb it is
and how it won't get you, banged?
- Banged.
- Crap!
But you are God, so you must have a point, right?
- Actually, I'm just an angel.
God's a little too busy for things like this,
so you get me.
- But he's the devil.
I mean, he took the time to be here,
that should stand for something, huh?
- What?
Him, no.
Fuck him.
- Yeah, fuck me?
Fuck you.
- Hey!
(men grunting)
Mister
Daddy?
- It's just Daddy fool.
- Oh, it's just...
Daddy, first of all, I just wanna say,
we are so so sorry about all the hassle
and confusion--
- Look, look, just stop talking
and just give me my money.
- About that--
- Don't even tell me you ain't got my money.
- No, no, no, no, we do.
We totally do, it's,
it's just not here.
But it will be here any minute, we promise.
- Look, look, look, for making me wait,
you owe me $500.
- $500?
(Mike grunts and screams) (face slaps)
- Don't scream like no bitch!
$500 and it's gonna double every 15 minutes!
- Excuse me?
- What?
- Would you mind if I use the bathroom?
- Oh, yeah, that's fine,
it's down the hall to your right.
(Marsha gasps)
(Mike grunts) (harp music)
(door knocking)
- Hey, I need to talk to...
- Megan.
Hello?
(Angel grunts)
Whoa!
- Hey, did you guys know there's a girl in there?
- Oh, beth.
Yeah, we should probably check on her.
- Yeah, you really should.
Oh, also, is anyone missing a wedding ring?
- Oh my God, thank you so much.
- Seriously?
Where did you find it, I looked everywhere!
- Behind the toilet seat.
Lucky too, another inch and it would've been in the toilet.
- No, damn it! - What's wrong?
- [Jennie] I can't get it back on.
Ow!
- Get some butter and rub it on your finger.
- Where am I supposed to get butter from?
- From the fridge.
- There's no butter in the fridge!
- Okay, spit on it.
- What?
Ew, what the hell Megan!
- Look, we've found the ring
and we can figure out how to get it on you later!
Right now, we really need to get ready
and Jennie, you need to get your makeup done.
Let's go people, a wedding is happening!
- Cool.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
- Okay.
You saved my wedding, thank you.
(rushing air)
(harp music)
- You see man, she's really in love.
I mean, you tell Megan about that stripper
and it could ruin her special day
or the rest of her life.
Just ask Stephanie for the money.
- Hey Stephanie.
- Jerry, come on, let's be smart here okay.
Look over there, you see Jennie?
- Are you okay?
- Mike gets to have sex with that every night
for the rest of his life.
Who you having sex with?
Let's be smart here.
- I need Megan!
Megan!
Megan.
- Get out!
- Hey Megan, how you've been?
- [Megan] Get out!
- Accident, accident!
I was in one with my face
and now I need a beautiful nurse to fix me.
- My one day off and everybody needs something.
Turn around.
Okay.
Zip me up.
Okay, let's have a look.
No biggie, just hop in the shower,
rinse off, and then clean up with these.
Whoa slick!
What are you doing?
- Hopping in the shower.
- No, not here you're not.
Get yourself back to the guys room.
- Whoa, big guy, remember, Roman,
the money, sex?
- Oh yeah. - Yeah.
- [Jerry] Hey Megan,
you don't by any chance-- (harp music)
- No.
- Do I have what?
- It's your job to - Talk about the zipper
- Be here for the team. - Don't say it, don't do it.
- [Angel] Don't do it.
- I need $400!
- Are you stoned?
(Jerry scoffs)
- I need $400.
For last night.
You see, we got a stripper
who turned out to be a hooker and--
- [Megan] What?
- And then she did what she does
and now we need $400 to pay her.
- You guys had a hooker last night?
- Wait, I forgot something.
- Roman you idiot!
- You slept with a hooker!
- Why are you yelling at me?
No, you're obviously missing the point!
I didn't sleep with a hooker,
Mike just asked me to get the money to pay the hooker!
- He did what?
- This is great.
I didn't sleep with a hooker
and I'm the one getting yelled at!
- Look man, you know you now owe me $1,000, right?
And your 15 minute mark is approaching real fast.
- Yeah, whatever!
(Mike screams) (vase shatters)
What the hell, man!
- Don't be giving Daddy no attitude bitch.
- Jesus!
(door creaks)
- [Roman] What the hell was that?
- Forget about that!
How much did you get?
- Is Jerry not back yet?
- What?
- Where's the money?
- Well, Jerry was like, "Yeah I can get the money."
So I was like, "Okay you can get the money."
- Are you shitting me!
What were you thinking?
I've been waiting for you to come back with the money
and you send Jerry, who probably has a concussion!
- And he's high man.
- What?
- Injured.
He's injured, definitely not high.
- You son of a bitch!
- It's not even like a big deal.
- You.
Get your ass over there right now
or so help me I will-- - Hold on, hold on.
- [Daddy] Hello no!
You think you just gonna leave?
No, you sit your ass down right there!
I'm tired of y'all playing, jerking me around!
My time is very valuable!
I got a car full of girls right now
that's waiting to go get me my money!
- You have a car full of hookers out there?
- [Daddy And Candy] Luxury lovers!
- Okay, so worst case scenario is Jennie finds out
and she's a little bit mad.
- No!
If Jennie finds out, she'll call off the wedding!
- That seems pretty rash don't you think?
- We need to figure out something to do quick.
What do we have at our disposal?
- I mean, the bar's set up, so booze.
- That could work.
- No man, I was just...
- Daddy, deal for ya.
In just a few minutes I will have your $500
and we will pay you.
And for your trouble, you go out to the open bar set up
and you and your ladies grab a drink.
You could hang tight, just sit in the car,
enjoy your drinks, and we will deliver the money
to you very shortly.
- Sit in the car?
Daddy don't sit in the car waiting,
Daddy sits at the bar enjoying.
- Okay, sit at the bar.
We'll bring the money to you very soon.
But please, try not to attract too much attention.
And if anyone asks, please don't say
you're a pimp with hookers.
- Luxury lovers.
- Just say you're Roman's friends.
- What you think baby?
- I would like a drink Daddy.
- Are you old enough to drink?
I'm just playing baby, let's go grab a drink.
Come on.
(Mike sighs)
- Okay.
Good.
I think we'll be okay.
Jennie won't go out there til the wedding starts.
And Jerry will be back any minute with the money.
We run out, we pay the pimp,
everything will be okay.
- See, everything's gonna be okay.
It's gonna work out just fine.
- Okay.
We should get ready.
Jerry, what took you so long?
- I think I did bad.
I might have accidentally told Megan about the stripper!
- You son of a bitch!
Megan told me everything!
- Jennie, what an absolute pleasure it is to see you.
You look incredible!
- Fuck off Ewan!
- On your own man.
- Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
- Jennie, I'm so sorry.
I know I should've told you,
but last night she just showed up.
I mean, I didn't even know the guys had planned it.
Look, I was drunk and I really didn't
think it was that big a deal.
- Oh, not that big of a deal?
- To be honest, I totally thought
you were doing the same thing!
You know, the girl version.
Hey, it's totally something Megan would do, right?
Look, I didn't think for a second that you were sober
the whole night not having any fun.
- Oh, so you thought that I was cheating on you last night?
- No, Jennie it's not cheating.
It's a little harmless fun.
I mean, we're not even married yet.
Please, it's a bachelorette party.
You should've been drunk and having a good time.
It's one last wild night with friends, why not?
- I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.
- Wait, there's still time.
There's about an hour before guests show up.
You can have that wild fun you missed out on.
There's plenty of guys here, do you like Roman?
Everybody thinks Romans hot, why don't I send you Roman?
- Fuck Roman.
♪ La choo-choo la choo-choo ♪
♪ La choo-choo bang, bang ♪
♪ Now watch me, now watch me ♪
♪ Now watch me do my thang ♪
♪ I said a popcorn, cherry pie ♪
♪ Bang bang, choo-choo train ♪
♪ Body party, shake my body ♪
♪ Booty duty, shake my booty ♪
♪ Hey young sucker ♪
♪ Don't be such a fucker ♪
♪ You wanna know nothing just to play in your game ♪
♪ Hey master driver ♪
♪ Pull up to the stage ♪
♪ I wanna see them naughty girls ♪
♪ Doing their thing ♪
♪ La choo-choo, la choo-choo ♪
♪ La choo-choo bang bang ♪
♪ Now watch me, now watch me ♪
♪ Now watch me do my thang ♪
- Drinks are on my girls.
Y'all know Daddy take care of his women.
(bar banging)
Can I get five shots of tequilas,
for Daddy and his women's!
- Excuse me, who are you people?
- I am Daddy, a close personal friend of Ramen.
And these girls are close personal friend of Ramen as well.
You got a problem?
(door slams)
- What happened?
Did he admit to it?
- Not only did he admit to it,
he said he's surprised I didn't
do the same thing last night.
(Megan scoffs)
- Seriously?
- It's not funny Megan!
He said he's gonna send Roman over here
to make last night even.
- Cool. - It's not cool.
- [Megan] Why not?
Roman's the hottest guy around
and you just got a free pass to fuck him.
- Because I don't want to fuck him.
What is wrong with you people?
- Why not?
I'd fuck him.
- I know you would, you'd practically
fuck anything that moves.
- Oh, excuse me for having a little fun!
- Hey, how ya holding up?
- I'm fine, thanks.
- Oh good, great.
So if everything's okay,
maybe you wouldn't mind letting Marsha finish your makeup.
- Okay, either way, you should not turn down a free pass.
You would take a free pass
before your wedding, wouldn't you?
What am I saying, you're still a sweet,
innocent little virgin.
So cute.
But you would sleep with a hot guy
before your wedding, right?
- Oh, don't ask me.
Penis isn't really my thing.
- Oh, you're a lesbian!
- Maybe that's the way to go,
men are such pigs.
- Jennie, your relatives are showing up
in less than an hour,
we are really falling behind schedule.
- Okay, whatever, I think you're missing out.
- Everybody just needs to stop!
Okay, I'm not just gonna go get ready.
I don't even know if I'm still getting married.
Megan, shut up, I'm not gonna sleep
with anybody right now.
Marsha, just take a couple minutes off,
go have a drink or something.
And Stephanie, it's not your sweet 16,
it's my wedding, so can you just get off my back!
- Hey, can you let me know what I can drink here?
- Oh, sure.
Help yourself to whatever you find.
- You girls don't mess around.
- Oh yeah, Megan's favorite.
Go ahead, have some.
Oh no, thanks.
- Not much of a drinker?
- What?
- Nothing, I just--
- No, go ahead, tell me.
I get it, I'm just some prissy little kid
who's never experienced anything life has to offer!
So I'm a prude because I've never drank before.
- I didn't say that.
- And so what if I've never had an orgasm!
- You've never what? - Or been in love,
- [Stephanie] Whatever, right?
I mean, who even cares about that?
Everyone knows so much more than me!
I'm just some stupid goody-goody
who doesn't know anything about anything!
Well, fine!
Who would do this to themselves?
- It takes some getting used to.
Try this.
- Oh yeah.
Refill please.
- Knock knock.
Guess who's here.
Oh honey, I'm so happy for you
getting married and everything.
Oh, and will you look at that.
Bless your heart.
You must still be coming into your womanhood.
Why your breasts are twice the size
they were the last time I saw you.
- Oh.
Oh Aunt Georgia, it's so great to see you.
You're just really early.
- Well I wanted to come early to lend a hand.
Oh I could help you with your makeup,
or I could help with setup.
Well just anything you need sugar plum.
- Oh, it's so nice.
You know, my Dad took care of setup
and we have a makeup girl,
so I think we're good.
But a good place for you would be
actually outside, waiting for when
the other guests are gonna come in a few hours.
- Bless your heart.
I'm good right here.
- Okay.
(girls laughing)
- Okay, enough is enough!
- I got your back baby.
- Excuse me!
Excuse me, I think you've had enough!
The alcohol is for the wedding guests!
I find you all very disturbing!
- Look here rich man, I ain't leaving
til I get what's mine.
- Oh yes, well, we'll see about that, won't we?
- Look, attention luxury lovers,
Daddy has an idea.
It's time for us to get me my monies.
They owe me $8,000! (woman gasps)
15 more minutes, it's gonna be $16,000!
I need my tunes from my car!
- [Both] Cheers!
- Yes, that's right!
Let's get you something to drink, calm the nerves.
I think there's some reserve tequila on file
just for this sort of occasion.
- I don't want anything to drink.
Ugh, damn it people, who keeps just pickle juice?
Whatever.
- Ugh.
Seriously?
- What, I was craving pickles.
- Craving?
What are you...
Oh my God.
Big ole boobs, no alcohol, cravings.
You little slut!
You're pregnant!
- Bless your heart.
Maybe you shouldn't be wearing white today.
- No wonder that ring won't fit
on your chubby little fingers.
(door slams)
- Well, well, well ladies.
Roman's been sent here to make sure
everything is all right.
Okay, all right.
(Roman imitates club music)
Baby, you don't have to be so sad.
You're a beautiful woman and you've been given a free pass.
A free pass to pleasure.
- Ew, Roman back off!
I am not in the mood for one of your dumb games!
- When did you find out?
- I really don't wanna talk about it right now,
I just wanna be left alone.
- Oh yeah, good luck with that.
How far along are you?
- Megan, seriously, back off.
- Who's the father?
- Fuck off and leave me alone.
- Fine.
I'm assuming that ticket is transferrable
and I'm gonna go ahead and use your free pass.
- Awesome.
- [Megan] Come on Casanova.
- Awe yeah girl, I just got back from the doctors
and he said I was lacking a vitamin you.
- Shh. - Yeah, my lips are lonely.
- [Roman] They're excited to meet yours.
- I need you to stop talking,
I'm trying to enjoy myself.
- All right.
What does that mean?
- Just shut up and have sex with me.
- Wait, really?
You don't like those lines?
They don't make you feel special?
Make you want me?
- I'm trying to tune you out,
but you're making it really hard.
- If I didn't pick you up, then why are we here?
- I'm picking you up stupid!
- Oh 'cause you think I'm interesting
and I have a cool personality--
- No, 'cause you're hot and I'm horny.
Now can we please get going?
- Wait.
What does that mean, you don't think I'm interesting?
- Are you seriously still talking?
- No, stop.
- Oh come on.
- I said no, stop.
- Relax, I promise you'll like it.
- No means no!
(Stephanie laughs)
- I think I'm drunk.
Am I drunk?
I think I'm drunk!
Oh, oh, oh!
Wait, you're gonna love it!
- Some guys are just overly sensitive!
- You sure you can handle that?
Okay.
- Shoot.
Out of wine.
I know where Megan keeps her secret stash.
The bedroom, come on.
(women giggling)
Whoops!
Okay.
(Marsha giggling)
What's it like?
- What's what like?
- You know.
Being a lesbian.
- Well, it's a lot like being straight,
but a lot less hairy.
(Stephanie laughs)
- No, I mean the--
- The? - You know.
- [Marsha] Sex.
In a word,
it's perfect.
It's soft when it needs to be
and rough when it needs to be.
(Stephanie laughing)
- Where is Roman?
- I can go find him.
I suppose I owe him an apology.
- Jennie honey, what's the matter?
- Oh, nothing, you know, it's just--
- [Russell] Are you nervous about today?
- Oh honey, today's gonna be great!
Now where is that darn makeup girl of yours?
Your hair isn't even done yet!
There's a wedding happening!
- Sweetheart, I think we're gonna
have to go to plan B.
We're gonna do her hair ourselves.
- Be still my heart.
I get to plan your wedding
and do your hair!
This is every father's dream come true!
- And sweetheart, you're gonna look so elegant
when we get your hair all swept up.
- Oh excuse me!
Curls are the look for her!
- Curls?
What is this, an interview for a brothel?
- Just don't start, okay!
Hair up is so dull!
She needs hair that has excitement and pizazz!
- And no class!
It's fashionable to have--
- Who made you fashion police?
- Joan Rivers!
- Oh excuse me--
- You guys, you guys, do I have any say in this at all?
- Oh honey, just hush!
- Sweetheart, we've got this under control.
- Yes we do!
Your hair is gonna look so beautiful
when it's nice and down. - Look, it's gonna be up.
- Excuse me. - Are you gonna try that look?
- [Johnathan] Look what you're doing to her.
Stop hitting me.
I know that sir!
- [Russell] You met me and you know, I know hair.
- Sweetie.
I'm gonna fix you right up.
Come come now, come come.
- [Johnathan] It's gonna look so long
and elegant, it's beautiful!
We wanna see how long - I know hair!
- Old school we go with. - I know hair!
- [Russell] What are you trying to tell me?
- [Johnathan] Excuse me, you're always so mean
and you're always telling me what to do!
(Mike sighs)
- So, did you ever stop and think
that maybe all this is happening for a reason?
- What?
- Like the whole day, not one thing has gone right.
I mean, it's a bad sign, a bad omen.
I mean, your marriage is doomed.
- Fuck off Ewan!
(phone ringing)
- 10 bucks this is more bad news.
- Yes, hello.
Yes.
Son of a bitch!
The bands truck broke down.
- Sorry, you're really gonna stand there
and ignore all these signs?
Call off the wedding.
(harp music)
- Don't just sit there, help them out.
- How?
- You play guitar!
- You gave me the power to play guitar?
- No you idiot, you already know how to play guitar!
(rushing flames)
- Oh, yeah, no totally man.
I mean chicks dig dudes who play guitar.
That's a guaranteed lay Jerry!
(devil puppet cheers)
- I can do it!
I play guitar!
I'm gonna play guitar at your wedding.
- Fine.
Whatever.
Yeah.
- Okay.
If you ever wanted to see a bad sign on your wedding day,
take a look what just happened.
You had a band,
and now you have, ladies and gentlemen,
Jerry on guitar!
- You know what, fuck off man!
You could at least try and be helpful,
given this is pretty much your fault!
- [Ewan] My fault?
- Yeah.
- [Ewan] Roman's the one who had sex with the hooker.
- And you're the one that invited her,
after I told you no strippers!
- You know, big deal.
Like you're the first guy to ever
have a stripper at a bachelor party.
You know, if Jennie's such a perfect girl,
shouldn't she understand that?
- Now.
Don't you finally look presentable?
(Beth sneezes)
Oh, isn't this just perfect.
Well, let me just go get cleaned up.
We still need to get you presentable
for all those young men at the wedding.
After all honey, you're not getting any younger.
- [Both] It's perfect!
- I was talking about my side.
- Yeah, your side look like she's
ready to go to a nightclub,
not an elegant wedding darling.
- Well at least she doesn't look like
she's getting married in the 50s.
- Yeah, you would know old man, wouldn't you?
- Hey, hey!
First off, thank you!
Thank you so much for making me
look like a circus animal!
And secondly, did you come here for something?
- Oh.
Yes.
We need to talk to that kid Roman.
Have you seen him around?
- He's probably back with the guys,
just go check there.
- Well, go ahead and find him.
- Well why don't you go find him?
- Oh, and leave you to destroy my elegant work?
- Well I'm not leaving you here with my hair.
All right, come on.
- Mm, I swear, this tastes better with every sip!
Oh.
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
(Stephanie laughing)
- Hey Roger, it's Beth.
I guess I missed you, again.
Just give me a call when you get the chance.
Just wanted to talk.
You know, no biggie.
Oh, saw you're engaged.
Congratulations.
I hope she makes you very happy.
You know, almost as happy as I could've made you.
Why Roger?
Why, why won't you let me love you!
You know what, I hate you!
I hate you so much, I really hate you!
Unless you wanna call me back.
In which case, I love you, call me.
- Listen to me, I know what I'm talking about here.
Look, it doesn't even go with her dress!
- You know what, she is my daughter
and you don't get a say in this.
What do you think of that?
- Hey, isn't it bad luck to bring Jennie in here?
I mean, I'm really pushing it today.
- Where's your friend Roman?
- Not sure, but seriously, she can't be here.
- Really, you don't wanna talk about what you did?
- Sure honey, just maybe later.
- I need to speak to Roman right now!
His friends are getting drunk
and making a mess of my wedding!
I demand to know what's going on!
(tense music)
- All right, where's Roman?
- I don't know, I thought he was with you girls?
- He was with us 'cause you sent him
to go have sex with Jennie
after you slept with a hooker.
Then Jennie turned him down so I figured I'd go for it,
but then he wouldn't shut up
long enough for me to enjoy myself.
And then he started whining
and stormed out the door crying.
- [Both] Have sex with him?
- I can't believe you actually sent him,
you sick pig!
- Seriously Mike, how could you do that
to the mother of your child?
- Mother of my child?
- You're pregnant?
- You should be pissed.
You put in all that work and nothing?
Roman just walks in, boom, she's ready to go?
What the fuck?
- Don't look at me, I'm pissed too.
The fuck?
- How dare you send another boy to have sex with me?
What kind of girl do you think I am?
- I won't let my daughter marry a scumbag!
- Well maybe this scumbag doesn't
wanna marry your daughter anymore.
- That's it!
Everybody, shut up!
Ewan, stop helping.
Go sit down!
Okay Jennie, I did not sleep with anyone last night.
Hell, I didn't even want a stripper,
she just showed up.
I know I should've kicked her out,
but everyone started throwing money around
and she ended up naked.
But then Roman slept with her after I passed out drunk.
I know I should've told you earlier
but you told me that having a stripper
at my bachelor party was the same thing as cheating
and so
I didn't.
- Well, in hindsight, that could clearly be worse.
- How long have you known about it?
- A month.
- A month?
You've known for an entire month
and it never crossed your mind to mention it to me?
- Look, I'm sorry, but you can't blame me
for thinking you wouldn't be able to handle it!
- Handle it?
It's the biggest news of my life
and you didn't tell me because
I might not handle it right.
- Don't blame me, you're the one who
always freaks out when I bring up kids.
Screaming about how you hate them
and you find them obnoxious.
- That's not fair.
- Yeah, the last time you saw a kid
crying at the grocery store,
you literally told me to have the number
to the nearest abortion clinic on my speed dial.
- That was a joke!
We've never seriously had the baby talk.
- Yeah, because it's always a joke to you.
Every time I bring it up you have some
snide comment about coat hangers or getting my tubes tied--
- Well maybe I have deflected the subject,
but that's only because I didn't wanna rush into things!
And even so, that's no excuse!
What were you thinking?
I mean, what, were you just gonna tell me
that you gained a little weight for nine months?
- Mike, please.
- I mean, what kind of marriage is that supposed to lead to?
What kind of parents are we supposed to be
if you don't even tell me that--
- Mike, I'm sorry--
- Don't!
I'm sorry.
I just, I need to think.
- Honey, it's gonna be okay.
- Okay, seriously, what is it?
I tried so hard.
Roman just walked into the room.
- I don't know, he's just really good looking.
- Whatever.
I'm over it.
(harp music)
- Hey big guy, I mean if you're gonna do that,
you might as well show her what she's missing out on.
- Yeah, make her regret it.
- Nah, not worth it.
- Oh my God!
(Johnathan clears his throat)
(face slaps) (Mike grunts)
- What the hell man?
- You want another one?
- No, thank you!
- Now you listen here, my little girl is inside
right now crying her eyes out and it's your fault!
- Look, I'm sorry, but I honestly don't know
how to feel right now.
- Well, I guess if you have to think about it
this would be the time.
- I always thought we were the perfect couple, you know?
(slow gentle music)
She makes me so happy.
All I wanted to do was give her the perfect life,
starting with today.
Not that anything about today is perfect.
- Perfect.
What's perfect?
- I'll tell you what's not perfect.
I don't think there are too many perfect marriages
where the bride to be doesn't tell the groom
he's about to become a father!
(Johnathan chuckles)
What?
- You have so much to learn kiddo.
There's no such thing as perfect.
People aren't perfect.
Except for you baby.
- You don't get it.
You can't understand what I'm going through.
- Don't get it?
Oh Mike, you have it easy.
Try taking a big black man home for Thanksgiving dinner.
I could tell you stories that would
make today seem like a walk in the park!
Look, relationships are hard, really hard.
You're gonna disagree,
you're going to get into fights,
and despite your best intentions,
you both occasionally will say
and do things that hurt one another.
Because people aren't perfect.
Love isn't perfect.
Oh but Mike, that's okay,
because true love isn't about a perfect relationship,
it's about accepting and loving each others imperfections.
With the right person,
all of life's troubles become adventures.
- Yeah?
Even unplanned pregnancies?
- Look at us, we're gonna be grandparents!
- Our little girl is all grown up now.
(slow gentle music)
- Excuse me.
I think I need to go talk to my wife to be.
(gentle determined music)
Oh!
- This is my best Sunday blouse.
(wolf whistle)
♪ Black cat call the rat ♪
♪ Rat it up dead ♪
♪ Black cat bother throw the garbage on its head ♪
♪ Dog no longer chase the cat ♪
♪ Think I'm seeing red ♪
♪ Black cat struts around ♪
♪ Yeah, put that shit to bed ♪
- Oh, wow, look at that.
- Yeah.
Oh!
Come on, come on! - No, she's not here!
- [Russell] Come on, come on!
- Hey, hey!
It's not my wedding.
- Come on! (slow romantic music)
- I'm not crazy.
What's that?
- "Y'all now owe me $128,000.
"If you get this in 15 minutes it's $256,000.
"Bring me my money and you can get your woman back.
"Love Daddy."
- That's wild dude.
Now you have like a literal sign
about how today's cursed.
- This has gone on long enough!
I'm gonna call the police!
- "And don't call no police or your woman gets it."
- You know, I've got some money.
I've got some money but I don't have
anywhere close to $128,000.
- Oh no, no, no, no!
It's $256,000.
- I can get the money from the bank.
- No honey, you can't go to the ATM
and get that kind of money!
You've got to go inside!
You've got to talk to people,
it could take all day long!
We've got 20 minutes and we've got guests arriving!
There's got to be another way!
- Well there is no other way.
Trust me, we've been trying all day.
- It's okay, I can go to the bank and I can get--
(purse thuds)
(Beth humming)
- Oh Beth, I'm so sorry.
Didn't know what I had til it was gone.
I love you so much Beth.
(Beth humming) (slow paced music)
How could I have been so blind?
(glass shatters) (Beth screams)
Shit!
(Beth crying)
- I know what I have to do.
I have to rescue my pregnant wife from the midget pimp.
Ewan, come on.
- Or we could just call it a day, get a couple beers.
- Ewan!
Once and for all, tell me what the fuck your problem is?
- I'm not the one with the problem man,
you're the one with the problem.
- Really?
What's my problem?
- Your problem is that you like to pretend
like you like being an adult.
Okay, I'm gonna have a job, and I'm gonna pay bills,
and I wanna go and get married.
Soon, you're gonna have a leash around your neck so tight
it's gonna make a damn noose!
And I'm not talking about a weird kinky sex noose.
This one comes out of the bedroom with you.
And you cannot honestly tell me
that you're not gonna miss all this.
You know, doing whatever you want, whenever you want.
In a couple months you're gonna be so damn domesticated
you're not gonna remember my name.
- That's what all this has been about.
You can relax dude.
Yes, being an adult can suck ass sometimes,
but there is so much more to it than that.
I get to wake up every morning with the woman I love
and who loves me unconditionally.
But that's not gonna change anything between you and me.
I mean, we're both about to be really busy,
but we can still hang out.
We just have to work harder to make time
to do shit together.
And if I'm still willing to call you my best friend,
after all the shit you pulled today,
you can rest assured that nothing is
ever gonna change between us.
- Yeah.
You know, I just want...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
(Beth humming)
(solemn music)
- And now you're gone Beth,
and I can never be with you again.
I was such a fool.
I love you Beth.
(door bangs)
- Sorry, we got hungry.
- Nice dress Cinderella.
(Megan and Jerry chuckling)
Round two?
- [Jerry] Yes ma'am.
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(Jerry chuckling)
(Beth humming)
(rock music)
- We need a plan.
Is that Daddy's car?
- Yeah, it must be.
(slow paced music) (Beth humming)
- Oh Beth, I was such a fool,
and you took your own life
with a noose for me.
How romantic.
(Mike sighs)
(solemn music)
(Beth screams) (ceiling fan thuds)
Ow!
(Beth coughs)
(slow rock music)
(Beth humming)
(solemn music)
Oh Beth--
- [Roman] Hey Beth.
- [Beth] Hey!
- You come up here to think too?
- Sure, why not?
- That's a nice dress.
You look really good in white.
- Thanks.
What are you doing up here?
- You ever have a day that just
flips your whole world upside down?
- No.
No, I'm sitting on a rooftop in my friends wedding dress
because everything is going swimmingly!
- I thought I had it all figured out but,
turns out, I don't know jack.
- Like what?
What sort of stuff could you have to figure out?
- You really wanna hear all that?
- Sure.
Sounds interesting.
(both laugh)
- [Candy] Ooh!
(Candy giggles)
There's a nice tip.
Get back here!
Ugh.
Come on Abe!
Oh shit.
Huh?
(Candy grunts)
(both laughing)
(Mike and Ewan growling)
Luxury lovers, attack!
(everyone grunting)
(Ewan coughing)
(fast country music)
- Mike, watch out!
- Jesus!
(woman grunts)
Come on.
(tense music)
(Ewan coughing)
(tense music)
(Mike grunting)
Baby!
Jennie!
(Mike screams)
(determined music)
- Another job I gotta do myself.
(ominous music)
(Mike grunts) (Jennie gasps)
- Daddy.
No, Daddy, no!
(tense music)
(Western music)
(triumphant music)
Your cowboy's here to rescue you.
- I love you.
- Yeah, you better.
- You ruined my friend's wedding
and you almost killed me!
You're an asshole!
Taking care of him for you buddy.
- Hi Mom.
(slow solemn music)
(electricity buzzing)
(slow paced music)
(Mike chuckling)
- Mike.
I have something to tell you.
I'm pregnant.
- I'm sorry, I know that I should have told you sooner.
And if you don't think that we're ready--
- Oh hell no I don't!
I'm not anywhere close to ready.
The only thing I know about is that they
scream and poop a lot.
But you know what,
I'm going to love every sleepless night.
Every disgusting diaper.
Every challenging moment.
Because I'll be going through it with you.
Life's not perfect,
love's not perfect,
but with you as a part of my life,
every challenging moment will turn into an adventure.
And in 18 years when that little fucker
goes off to college,
I'm gonna be the proudest Dad
and cry like a baby because our little boy
will be leaving the nest.
- Boy?
- Or girl, whatever!
You know all I wanted to do
was give you the perfect wedding.
(Ewan sighs)
- Instead, you almost got her killed by Daddy
and his slew of hookers.
- Who by the way drank all the booze
and ate all the food.
- Oh, now if that's not a bad sign,
I don't know what is.
- Fuck the signs.
I love you.
- I love you too.
Who cares about the booze, the food, and the hookers.
- [Candy] That's luxury lovers, bitch!
(tense music)
- What'd we miss?
- This ain't over yet. Y'all Still owe me
two million and forty-eight thousand dollar.
- Look, we don't have that kind of money here.
Why don't you just take what you can get and leave?
- What you grabbing there buddy?
- Just my wallet, here, take it.
(water plashing) (jar clanging)
(wire buzzing)
- Man, this is a little short.
Only $100!
- That's all the money we've got.
- Y'all dead now. (wire buzzing)
(Daddy buzzing) (women screaming)
(Daddy grunts) (women screaming)
- Oh my God!
(door creaking)
- Top of the morning to ya.
And how are y'all doing
this fine day?
Ah Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!
God damn!
(slow gentle music)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to witness two hearts become one in holy matrimony.
And we are gathered here today
to say goodbye to Daddy.
A proprietor of
luxury lovers. (women sniffling)
You may now kiss the bride.
(rock music)
♪ Yeah ♪
(everyone cheering)
♪ When you tell me love's not worth it ♪
♪ Living life is never perfect ♪
♪ But we found it ♪
♪ Something worth fighting for ♪
♪ Not worried about taking the plunge ♪
♪ 'Cause this is worth every breath in my lungs ♪
♪ And I mean it ♪
♪ Forever on this day ♪
♪ On the biggest day ♪
♪ The biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ Yeah, I found it ♪
♪ It's real ♪
♪ Every day I'm with you ♪
♪ On the biggest day ♪
♪ Biggest day of my life ♪
♪ And I found it ♪
♪ It's real ♪
♪ Everyday I'm with you ♪
♪ It's the biggest day ♪
- [Ewan] I'm gonna unfriend him.
♪ Biggest day of my life ♪
♪ Since I met you here ♪
♪ It's a dream come true ♪
♪ This is it ♪
♪ Baby let's say I do ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's say I do ♪
- Why hello ladies.
Why do we look so sad, it's a wedding.
- Daddy's dead.
What do we do now?
- Whatever you wanna do, you're free.
- But how do we know what we want?
- Because it's what you want
and there's no more having a pimp telling you what to do.
- So what do you want us to do?
- I don't know, go mingle with the guests or something.
- Yes Daddy, we get you money soon Daddy.
- Oh no, I'm not like the new...
Yeah, yeah, go get my moneys.
- Yes Daddy.
(girls giggling)
♪ Baby let's say I do ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's say I do ♪
♪ It's like this constant bickering ♪
♪ Can only bring our hearts in sync ♪
♪ And there's no pretending ♪
♪ When you know it's real ♪
♪ It doesn't matter if we're poor or richer ♪
♪ 'Cause in my life you're my biggest picture ♪
♪ All we need is me and you ♪
♪ Forever on this day ♪
♪ It's the biggest day ♪
♪ The biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ Yeah I found it, it's real ♪
♪ And every day I'm with you ♪
♪ On the biggest day ♪
♪ Biggest day of my life ♪
♪ I found it, it's real ♪
♪ Every day I'm with you ♪
♪ The biggest day, the biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ As long as you're here it's a dream come true ♪
♪ this is it ♪
♪ Baby let's say I do ♪
- Where ya going?
- To get my purse from my car.
- Horrible idea. - Not a good idea at all.
(men talking at once)
- [Mike] No, no, no, no, no!
- [Roman] You could just stay.
Get a drink with your boy.
- Mike.
- [Mike] Yeah?
- What happened to my car?
- It's fine.
- It's so good, your car's so.
It's in really good shape. - You probably won't find it.
♪ Yeah I found it, it's real ♪
♪ Every day I'm with you ♪
♪ On the biggest day ♪
♪ The biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ As long as you're here it's a dream come true ♪
♪ This is it ♪
♪ I met you here ♪
♪ It's a dream come true ♪
♪ This is it, this is it ♪
♪ Baby let's say I do ♪
♪ Let's say I do ♪
♪ Let's say I ♪ (crowd cheering)
- [Everyone] Jerry, Jerry,
Jerry, Jerry,
Jerry!
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ When you tell me love's not worth it ♪
♪ Living life is never perfect ♪
♪ But we found it ♪
♪ Something worth fighting for ♪
♪ Not worried about taking the plunge ♪
♪ 'Cause this is worth every breath in my lungs ♪
♪ And I mean it ♪
♪ Forever on this day ♪
♪ On the biggest day, the biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ Yeah, I found it, it's real ♪
♪ Every day I'm with you ♪
♪ On the biggest day, the biggest day of our lives ♪
♪ As long as you're here it's a dream come true ♪
♪ This is it, baby let's say I do ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's say I do ♪
♪ It's like this constant bickering ♪
♪ Can only bring our hearts in sync ♪
♪ And there's no pretending ♪
♪ When you know it's real ♪
♪ It doesn't matter if we're poor or richer ♪
♪ 'Cause in my life you're my biggest picture ♪
♪ All we need is me and you ♪
♪ Forever on this day ♪
♪ It's the biggest day ♪