WIPE UP AFTER YOU
FOR SANITARY NAPKINS
My name is Lina Berglund, and I'm 15.
I'm mostly "not": I'm not funny,
I've never been kissed, I've never been with a guy,
and I'm not interesting. I go to school, and go to bed at night.
My parents don't beat me. I'm halfway through ninth grade,
and something's got to happen! What if I die a virgin?
"Here lies Lina Berglund, a virgin for all eternity."
Someone's got to show up.
Anyone you could fall in love with.
Maybe that person could fall in love with me too.
Whoever that could be.
-Too much? -It's perfect. Green is your colour.
My eyelashes are way too long.
Eye make-up makes me look like a slut.
-Knock it off. -Shorter lashes are better.
I envy you, Lina.
You can choose whether you want to look hot or not.
Listen up, let's settle down.
We're here to take a yearbook picture, so let's do it.
Looks like you've decided on a colour scheme.
You, the tall guy in the blueberry sweater, stand in the back.
All right...
Could you please sit down? Sit down!
Otherwise there won't be a picture,
or a yearbook either, for that matter.
Thank you. That was out of line, I apologize.
Excuse me, I have heartburn.
Great... How about giving me a smile?
All right, then... Smile, or I'll kill you.
That was a joke... I'm not going to kill you.
Hello, ladies... Having a party?
-How are you? -Fine, how about you?
Great.
How about some chips?
We miss you, school is crawling with seventh-graders.
-What's trade school like? -More relaxed.
Danne, he barfed like nobody's business at the New Year's party.
-They tied him to a chair... -You're cute when you're drunk.
And they stuck a funnel in his mouth and poured down a shitload of beer.
Maybe you'd loosen up if we tried a funnel on you.
-Stop it... -Use a funnel on me instead.
-Stop it! -Use it on me.
Try it on me.
"Funnel-Thea"...
Danne just said he thinks you're pretty, Lina.
Damn it...
-I'm sorry. -For God's sake...
It's not your fault that Danne thinks you're pretty.
It's not like "super hottie", more "not bad-looking".
-You could at least say thank you. -Thank you.
"Not bad-looking"... I'm not bad.
Well, not bad-looking is better than bad-looking.
If, like they say, beauty comes from within,
does that go for sexiness, too? If it does, then I guess we have a problem.
Are you kidding me?
Honestly, that's gross.
-She just dumped it on my plate. -Fish cakes...
Sour pussy!
Oh, "Black Jeans Boy"... Hi.
-Going to the park on Friday? -Maybe.
-There'll be a huge party. -We'll see.
What do you mean? I've been looking forward to partying with you.
Just look at his hair!
-Who the heck is that? -A new guy, a 7th grader.
Delicious...
Here's that top and those boots.
They're nice, but they're too big for me.
-Have you done the math yet? -Almost.
Could I please copy your homework?
What enthusiasm... You're welcome for the top, by the way.
-You are such a free-loader, Thea. -Like it's your problem?
-What's this, 31 or 37? -37.
So...
-Are you going to drink on Friday? -I don't know.
-Just don't barf on my top. -I thought you gave it to me.
Hey... come on!
I heard some people from Dals Långed were coming.
All guys from Dals Långed are so good-looking.
Sweet! You can't taste the booze.
-Want some? -No...
Lina?
Come on.
Yummy, isn't it?
Have some more. Good girl...
Let's party! Come on.
-No... -Yes, it's yummy.
What does it feel like? Tell me...
I feel great! I love you!
Need any help?
Hey... Are you sure you don't need help?
Lina, it's Thea.
-Hi, how are you doing? -Hi.
I'm not sure yet.
You kept throwing up, that's so gross.
-Please... -It's the truth.
Did you get a ride home?
No... I'm not sure.
-Know what I did? -No.
I made out with Lillis and guess what, Danne was looking for you.
Oh...
Thanks for the show of enthusiasm.
I'll call you later, all right.
-Did I throw up on you? -No.
Good.
-What's your name? -Ivar.
Know what? You're awfully cute.
But you're little.
-You're, like, 7. -No, I'm 13.
You're in seventh grade, I mean.
You would look so awesome if you put in a few highlights...
...or slicked your hair back.
-You're really good-looking. -Thanks.
I love you...
The moment I saw you, I fell in love.
There was this aura around you.
Can I give you a ride?
Hello...
Time to go see Grandma.
Right now.
Alex, come on...
Lina!
-You sure were sober last Friday. -So very "fresh"...
You were way cool.
Anything else happen? Did you get any action?
-No... -No?
Hi...
Oh, hi.
Did you feel better once you got home?
You didn't get lost, or anything?
Like it's any of your damn business?
-You damn... frog. -"Frog"?
What are you hanging around for? Beat it.
-What's up - lovers in the night? -The freak saw me barfing, I guess.
-Are you that desperate? -What do you mean, desperate?
The guy is gross!
-A touchy subject? -I couldn't care less about him.
I'm sorry. There you were,
looking at me with those soulful eyes, asking how I was doing.
You're the first person besides my parents who ever bothered to ask.
Thea set up a date with Danne, who thinks I'm "not bad-looking".
I'm sorry.
I have real Internet on mine.
You only have WAP, that's like fake Internet.
So... what are you going to do after graduation?
I don't know...
I think I'd like to be a vet.
I'm going to find out what courses you have to take.
He writes here.
-What's it like at high school? -There's more freedom.
No one hassles you if you have snuff.
Hello...
-Look, it's your boyfriend. -Right...
Hello right back.
-What was that all about? -That's Lina's boyfriend.
He's in love with you.
-Is he your age? -No, he's in 7th grade.
Want me to punch him out?
Hello there!
-Do you like scary movies? -Sure...
I'll get that for you.
You're very pretty, Lina.
So are you.
Bye...
I'm 15, and I'm frigid. I'm not wet at all.
Is there something wrong? What am I supposed to push or pull?
I can't ask Mum.
Tell us about it, Lina.
-He's a nice guy. -Nice?
The guy's a hunk.
-Did you make out? -A little.
-Are you in love? -I don't know.
Of course you are!
So you bought a new pair of jeans...
Are you going to sing? Great, then we can listen.
-Faggy opera-style. -Yeah, for fags.
Hey, we'd like to hear something.
Why are you here if you're not going to sing?
Or maybe you're in love. With somebody who's right here.
-Maybe it's Lina. -Bloody idiot.
What did you say?
What the hell did you say?
-Thank you. -Fag...
-Be quiet, Fabian. -Stop it.
-Did I hit a sore spot? -Caroline, please be quiet.
Take it from the top.
Remember, it's high time to arrange for your occupational trial weeks.
Lina? I'm sorry, the Emergency Vet Clinic didn't have an opening.
Nicklas? The sporting goods store...
-We can work at your dad's, right? -Well, there's been a mix-up.
They could only take one person...
And you're telling me that now?
Now I'll have to be an ass-wiper somewhere. Damn it, Thea!
Listen, Caroline...
You didn't apply for anything, so you'll have to take what you get.
And Lina... we'll arrange something for you, too.
-Thea, are you in love with Lillis? -He's cute and he's fun.
And now you're dating Danne, and he's his best friend. It's perfect.
That's why I fixed you two up, because I wanted Lillis.
That was a joke!
But better you than Carro...
I touched a flesh baton, but what am I supposed to do with it?
Pull it? Yank it? Hold it loosely?
I guess it's not enough to pat it on the head like a dog?
Hello...
This is my place.
This is Mum's bedroom...
The kitchen... and the living room.
And this is my room.
Come here.
-Where's your mum? -She's working the night shift.
Have you lived here since you were a kid?
Yeah, since I was three.
Prizes...
So your parents are divorced?
-What's that perfume? -It was on the sweater.
-Why did they split up? -Mum got fed up.
Dad wasn't exactly a bastard,
but he drank and he didn't help out much...
He met someone else and Mum threw him out.
-Do you ever see your dad? -No.
Maybe at Christmas or on my birthday...
-Is it cold in here? -No.
Then why don't you take off your jacket?
Come here.
Isn't there anything you'd like to know about me? Just ask.
Could you come a little closer?
That was my question: "Could you come a little closer?"
I'll try to think of a good question...
How many guys have you slept with?
-Is that embarrassing? -No...
One... there's been one.
Oh, who was that?
A guy I met at our summer place.
And how many times...?
Stop. It's my turn.
How many girls have you slept with?
Three. Or four, it depends on what counts.
Does it count if the guy doesn't come?
I guess...
Then it's four. Now it's my turn...
On a scale of one to ten, how attractive am I?
-A nine, maybe. -You're only saying that to be nice.
Okay, a seven.
Only a seven?
That's way above average, so that's good.
What am I, on that scale...?
You're a typical...
...six. No, a five.
You're a five that could be an eight.
You're basically good-looking.
A good body, a good face...
Appealing.
But if you wore makeup and sexier clothes, you'd be an eight.
But you're not a bombshell, like Thea and Julia from Vidhem...
You're averagely pretty.
-Are you upset? -No...
Why would I be?
That's good...
Not that hard.
Faster...
Like you're shaking hands, about that firm.
That's great...
A little bit faster would be great.
That was awesome.
You're awesome.
-You don't have to... -I've got to return the favour.
-It's cool... -I'm having my period.
-Sorry... -I've got to catch my bus.
I didn't look at the flesh baton.
Because if I did, I'd probably have gone home.
It went well, in spite of the goo.
Danne seemed to enjoy it. I didn't.
Maybe I'll enjoy it more on Friday.
Carro says it gets better with practice...
Take your shirt off.
Don't hunch your back like that, it's not sexy.
-Take your bra off. -I don't know why it feels wrong.
I'm just taking my shirt and my bra off in front of my boyfriend.
Girls do that all the time.
I don't want Danne to get tired of me.
Give me your hand.
Relationships are about give and take,
so I guess I can give Danne a hand.
It's nothing major, it's just a hand. My hand...
That's nice.
Now faster.
We've seen each other several times now. Always in Danne's room.
I jerk him off, I'm still having my period,
and I take the 9:30 bus home. But I can't menstruate forever.
-I want to pay you back. -Then I remembered something.
Girls can fake an orgasm, and then the guy will leave them alone.
But how do you do it?
Did you come? You wild thing...
I never expected you to let go like that.
By the way... The 25th is my birthday.
I know.
Then I guess you know what's at the top of my wishlist?
No.
Yes, you do.
I do?
What?
Oh...
At the top of the list...
It doesn't cost much, either.
What, you mean it never feels good?
-We haven't gone all the way. -You haven't?
-What have you done? -Been inside of each other's pants.
-Doesn't that feel good? -No.
You've got to say something, Lina. Point him in the right direction.
-Point? -Point him towards your clit.
-Serious, show him. -Right...
Know what, I could do with a session right this minute.
It's like scratching your back, it always feels good.
Guys are generally lousy at kissing and making out.
You have to be tough. Keep them on a tight leash.
Why are you with this guy, anyway?
Dear diary and dear Carro, this is the deal:
I'm with Danne because he wants me, for some reason.
I'm a fake. I fake orgasms, I fake being in love with Danne...
And I fake hating Ivar.
Ivar lives on a houseboat. His parents are into culture.
Thea and Carro would never understand.
Me preferring an opera geek over a hockey hunk.
Ivar is real, that's why we don't fit together.
Okay... Caroline, shame on you. That's not the way to behave.
Don't forget, our spring concert is next week.
Any don't forget your sheet music, either. See you next time.
Listen, they're actually nice. And so am I, but something went wrong.
-There's something wrong with you. -I know, I'm sorry.
-Sorry... -Think I care? I don't.
-I don't give a damn about you. -Go and throw up somewhere.
Go to hell! I don't give a damn about you, you fucking fag!
A big birthday cheer for Danne!
Happy birthday.
So, when do you want your present?
Tell me...
-Come on, we're late already. -Beat it, Carro.
Did I puke on you?
A little...
I'm still a virgin. We'll try again tonight, after the concert.
Danne wants to have his present then.
Can I come in?
-It's like that Chinese symbol. -Yin and yang?
Right: Ying and yang, the perfect match.
What's the matter? Are you sad?
I'm all right.
-Are you sure? -Could you read for me?
-What would you like me to read? -Anything, a story...
Is that what you'd like, sweetie?
Then I'll do it.
Alex wants to hear it, too. Is that all right?
"A remarkable child, said one of the sailors as Pippi disappeared.
And he was right, Pippi was an exceptionally remarkable child.
She was so strong..."
Maybe we are yin and yang:
He's horny, I'm dry. He's happy, I'm sad.
He's a guy, I'm a girl.
-Was it big? -So-so.
-How long were you at it? -15 minutes.
Who can come in just 15 minutes?
We can stay out at Lillis's summer place all weekend.
The four of us together, it'll be great. And you can drink if you like.
Sorry I'm late.
I have a presentation today.
The Hamster. The hamster is a mammal.
They come in different colours: white, black, brown and cream.
Hamsters need lots of love, or they may start to bite.
If you want to breed hamsters,
make sure the female is in heat.
-Where did you find these facts? -On the Internet.
Any questions?
-How much do they cost? -Around 50 kronor.
Anybody want to hold it?
-Thea? -No thanks.
Anyone? Come on up.
Get him, or someone will step on him.
Shut the door!
-What the hell have you done? -I'm sorry, Carro.
-I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new one. -Murderer!
I'm sorry. I hope it didn't splash up on anyone else.
Hi.
-Are you all right? -My friend's hamster got squashed.
-Did it die? -Yeah.
Oh shit...
-How are you doing? -So-so. You?
I'm not sure.
Don't ask, or I'll start crying.
-Well, just buy a new one. -A new what?
-A new hamster. -That's not what's bothering me.
No, I know... But they only cost, like, 50 kronor.
-What are you laughing at? -I don't know.
-What are you laughing at? -I don't know. Everything.
I've got to run, my mother's throwing this huge party.
-It's my birthday today. -Oh, happy birthday.
Did you get anything special?
-Ever heard it? -No. Isn't this really old stuff?
Sure, but it's fantastic.
-Borrow it, if you like. -But you just got it.
Are you sure? Thanks.
Thank you.
It was my brother's! I didn't ask him if it was okay...
-Just buy a new one. -It won't be the same.
I just gave myself my first orgasm...
With a little help from Ivar. Lina Berglund is not frigid!
I can get all hot and wet and explode.
Oh, Ivar! I've got to see him again.
But no one can know I'm seeing him.
If Carro and Thea find out, that's the end of our friendship.
No, Ivar and I will have to keep this as our secret.
I forgot my pen case...
-Hi. Is Ivar home? -No, he's in Estonia, with Dunya.
-With who? -Dunya.
But you could call him.
Johan, do you have Dunya's mobile number?
-I just wanted to return this. -Dunya's number is 0736...
Hang on, 0736...
22...
No, he's in Estonia, with Dunya.
He's in Estonia with Dunya. With Dunya, Dunya, Dunya...
Just fold in the brownie ingredients. Watch it, Jonathan!
In Estonia with Dunya... Who the hell is Dunya?
What a stupid name. Like some kind of state flower, or something.
What does she have to do with Ivar?
Do they share a bed? Does she get to touch him?
I hate her. Dunya, "Dung-you".
And she knows his folks too. I bet they're kissing...
Hi!
-Where have you been? -Right now?
It's just that you've been gone for so long.
I've been in Estonia, on a tour with our choir.
-Did you have a good time? -Yes. Thanks for returning the CD.
What about you? How are you doing?
Good, I guess...
-Did you travel alone? -It was me, the choir and Dunya.
-I've got to go, German class. -See you...
Lina!
Lina? Sweetheart, Danne's here.
It's awfully stuffy in here. Why don't you open a window?
If you want anything, I'll be downstairs.
Hi.
Like mine, only smaller...
Here's a gift.
Did someone say it was my birthday?
I just felt like giving you a present.
Thank you. That's sweet of you.
It's kind of for both of us...
The girl at the store said it's supposed to be relaxing.
-Bath beads... -Right, bath beads.
I figured we could... give each other a massage.
You know, take a bath together and massage each other.
I have such a sore throat.
-I don't mind. -My whole mouth really hurts.
-Don't you like me any more? -Sure, I just don't feel well.
-What will you major in? -Media Studies, I think.
I want to break up with him.
-I want to break up with him. -Why?
I don't know... I just feel disgusted.
-By Danne? -By everything.
-Are you in love with someone else? -No...
I fixed you up with a great guy, and now you want to break up with him.
-She's not in love with him. -And why is that?
-Why do you want to end it? -I don't want to be with him.
Give him another chance, that's what people do.
They do too! Like you're such an expert.
You and I can go out, or maybe I'll take Danne.
This might sound mean, and I'm saying this as a friend,
but who could you get that's better than Danne?
-I don't know. -What about our weekend?
-Some friend you are! -Call him.
-Give him another chance. -She doesn't want to.
You're stupid, both of you!
Hi, it's me. Fine...
I'm at Thea's house.
Can I see you on Thursday?
Eight o'clock.
Not that late. A bath...
I don't know.
So, Thursday, at seven. Kiss-kiss.
Good going... Good.
-Promise you won't tell Lillis? -Yes.
-Promise? -Yes!
-Who are you texting? -Malin.
We might work out tomorrow.
It will be all right, Lina.
Hi.
-Danne... -Say it.
You came to break up with me. I know that already.
"Lina wants to break up with you. She says she's disgusted."
So say it! Do you think I'll fall apart, or something?
So do it, then.
I'm disgusting. Say it.
What do you want?
I do want to break up.
But I never said that you were disgusting.
I never said you were disgusting.
You're so fine...
-A condom... -I'll pull out, I promise.
-Shit... -What?
-l was going to pull out... -Did you come inside me?
-I don't think so. -I'm all fucking wet.
-That could be you... -Forget it!
-It's over! Totally over! -Lina, wait... Damn it!
Dear God...
I know I haven't believed in you and all...
...but if you help me now, I promise I will.
I'll pray... and go to church and everything.
Please help me, God. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Hi.
-How did it go? -Fine.
-Want to talk? -No.
Hi.
-How are you? -Fine.
Bye.
What if there's a baby inside me?
What if it's growing inside me right this minute?
That's scary. I don't want to have kids.
It's the last thing I want. It would be awful to have an abortion.
How could I be so stupid? How could I have unprotected sex?
I've known where babies come from since I was in day care.
I felt sorry for Danne and wanted everything to be nice for a minute.
I'm worried about what my parents would say.
I'd really like to talk to Mum,
but then I'd have to tell her so much.
I can't face it...
Suddenly, the head comes into view.
Let me make you a ham sandwich.
You've been living on yoghurt for a week now.
After a few minutes Nilla is walking around with her baby...
Oh, sweetheart! I didn't mean to upset you.
I'm sorry...
The whole flock wants to share the placenta.
Honey, is there anything wrong?
You can always come to me, you do know that, don't you?
You can tell me anything, even if it's bad.
I might be pregnant.
Oh, sweetheart...
Am I supposed to pee on the stick?
Know what, pee into this cup first. I'll leave you alone.
Tell me when you're ready, and we'll do it together.
-I can't... Nothing's happening. -Don't worry.
Just relax.
I can't do it.
Nothing's happening.
-It's not working, Mum. -Honey, try a shower.
The hot water should relax your stomach. Give it a try, all right?
Mummy, it came!
-Mum, I just got my period! -Oh, sweetheart...
Dear God, thank-you for my period.
I know I promised to believe in you if you helped me,
but that's the kind of thing you say when you're desperate.
But I have decided to stop doing certain things.
Like not being myself, or having sex with a guy who makes me sad,
and who listens to Thea's bullshit.
If you think that sounds good, maybe you could give me sign.
-Lina... How are you? -Fine.
There's punch and breezers and Cointreau and vodka downstairs.
-Where's Thea? -Upstairs. She's such a pain.
Oh, I'm glad to see you.
I've been here for an hour, could you take over?
-Are you feeling better? -Abso-fucking-lutely!
But I feel stupid holding this bottle of wine when I see you.
Your little geek is here. He came with Anton.
How can they be friends? Anton is so hot!
Could you go say hi to your geek?
Even if he is a homo opera singer. For my sake?
Hi.
-Hi, is he a friend? -He's my cousin.
Sit down.
-Do you know the host? -Not really.
His girlfriend is a friend... was a friend of mine.
I was seeing his friend, but it was wrong right from the start.
Lillis's girlfriend, my best friend...
...I can't trust her.
Then she's not truly best-friend material, is she?
That's right.
-Why are you here? -I came to confront her.
-Why are you here? -Anton asked me to come along.
I've got to go. I'm supposed to be home by eleven.
Listen, I wanted to tell you...
Hello.
-Is that your new boyfriend? -No.
-Is that a wig? -Stop it, you jerk!
-Watch out, you can't trust her. -You should talk!
I pulled out. What's the matter, are you knocked up?
-I'd better go. -Who cares!
-Does anybody care? -You big jerk!
I'm sorry, Lina. I just want to talk... Damn it, Lina!
-Nice bra. -Thanks.
I've sent in my application. I'll be majoring in advertising.
I might be moving. And study Animal Science.
-You're not serious? -Why wouldn't I be?
Cool it. What's your problem?
I'm going to study kiddy stuff. You know, mash bananas...
What will you do there? Stuff your hand up cow's asses?
-That's gross. -There are worse things.
I can talk to whoever I want! You can't boss me around!
-Why are you being such a bitch? -I don't want your shit!
-You're fucking disturbed! -Go to hell!
You are so fucking nasty! You promised not to say anything.
You sent him a text message. You even told him to take Carro instead.
You are so fucking selfish! You don't give a damn about other people.
You didn't really say I wanted Danne, did you?
Listen, there's something I'd like to say...
I love you.
Oh, I didn't know that you...
I thought you...
That's not why...
I love you. That's what I wanted to say, that I love you.
I'm sorry.
That geek?
-You're insane. -I know.
Only, he has a girlfriend.
Really? But he's, like, only seven years old.
Well, he does. She's from India or Malaysia.
-She works at the café. -Get out of here!
Shit...
You know, I had no idea that Thea sent Danne that text message.
You should have heard her trying to weasel out of it.
"Lina doesn't want him and you think he's a hunk..."
"She'll never get a better guy than Danne."
-I'm on your side. -You know, I'm not upset now.
Somehow, I'm happy.
Hi, Marianne. No, she can't come to the phone right now...
There's a letter from that Animal Science School.
Open it. That's right, go ahead.
Oh...
Bye.
-You've been accepted. -What?
-Really? -You've been accepted!
My name is Lina Berglund, and "not" is a word that describes me:
I'm not fragile, not chicken at all, and not bad-looking...
I feel good in spite of everything.
It didn't work out with Danne, almost feel sorry for the guy.
He's not a bad guy, he's just not my type.
I hope he is someone else's type.
It didn't work out with Ivar, either.
Ivar, the most wonderful guy in the world.
He loves this oriental beauty, and I understand him.
And her. Mainly her.
Nothing's worked out, but still I feel so strong.
And great. So, thank you, dear diary.
Thank you, Carro, Danne, Ivar, Mum, and everyone else...
And thank you, Lina. Thank you, Lina. Thank you, Lina.
Thanks to me. Thanks, Lina. Thanks...
I'm over at the park, where are you?
It's embarrassing to stand here alone. Get your butt over here.
Turn around.
Look what I found on the way over.
Gee, look at the time...
Maybe that's our cue to leave?
-What are you doing here? -Carro... That's her name, right?
She asked me if I was Ivar,
the guy with the Indian girlfriend. And I said we're not together,
and she's not from India, she's from Sri Lanka.
You're not together?
But why do you spend so much time with her then?
-Are you in love with her? -Maybe I was, a little.
But she has a boyfriend and kids, and she's a friend of the family...
-How old is she? -31.
-That's insane. -I know. And she has kids...
Yeah, you mentioned that already.
Listen, remember how you told me that you liked me...
I don't like you, I'm in love with you.
-Yeah... -But I already told you that.
When Carro said you were here, I wanted to tell you the same thing.
-Tell me what? -The same thing you said.
That I'm in love with you.
-You're in love with me? -Yeah.
Do you mean that?
Right... It's true.
-But I understand if it's too late. -No...
Come on...
Subtitle translation by Ingrid Eng