(snoring) (clock ticking)
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(alarm ringing)
(upbeat Italian music)
(spitting)
(the woman speaks Italian)
(rumbling)
(door opening)
- Don't let it drag!
- [Voiceover] It's not.
- It was touching.
Are you getting my other bags?
- Hurry up, I need your help unpacking.
Are you serious?
What are you doing, no don't!
Stop it, stop it, no, stop, stop touching!
Just go to your room okay?
We've got it, we're busy, stop!
Stop touching, go to your room.
We got it, we're busy.
- [Mother] Hi Ma.
(the woman speaks Italian)
- You okay?
- No.
- Oh...
- I missed you.
- Ah Ma, Tessa missed you too.
Tessa, tell your grandmother you missed her.
- All right, she's playing you.
Nonna, I have a concussion.
- I know.
- Do you know what that means?
It means you gotta be quiet.
- [Tessa] Fuck!
Where, where are my textbooks, where are my textbooks?
Stop folding and help me find my textbooks.
Please I need your help,
I can't remember where anything is.
- Okay, they've gotta be here somewhere.
Have you looked under the bed?
- Under the bed?
Kidding?
You're not even taking this seriously, under the bed.
My life is over.
- You're lucky to be alive.
- [Tessa] Stop saying that, I'm not.
I'm going through hell.
You're making my headache worse.
- [Mother] How?
- I need to pass this exam and you're not even helping me.
It's hard, it's not easy!
Ask anyone, being a Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine
is difficult, it's not a joke.
- No one's joking.
- Good.
(door squeaking)
Hey, you!
Stop looking!
- I no look.
- Ma, go make us some coffee, okay?
- You know, the brother of my brother, he had a concush.
He die.
- (screaming) Out!
- Ma, please.
- [Tessa] Why is she so mean to me?
- [Mother] Why were you skiing in August?
- It's called trail riding.
- [Mother] Trail riding.
- Trail riding.
- On a bike.
- In the snow.
- On a bike.
Not in the snow!
- In the snow?
- Oh fuck, I'm the one with a head injury, Jesus.
- The nurse said you were in your underwear.
- Yeah, 'cuz they had to cut off my clothes.
- Your clothes?
- Yeah, and they had to cut off my favorite t-shirt.
Are you happy now?
- [Mother] No but, no why?
- And my bike is dead!
No bike.
- [Mother] Okay, why would I be happy?
I'm not happy.
- Ma!
(distant shouting) And, and you don't care,
you don't even care!
(distant shouting) And I'm hurt, and my head hurts.
(angelic choir music)
(the woman speaks Italian)
- Nonna?
Nonna?
Nonna!
- Marie!
Oh, what do you do home?
- [Tessa] Ma!
Do you know what a trauma is?
A trauma is traumatic.
- [Mother] Okay, okay! - Traumatic, trauma.
- Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
No one asked you to ride a bike down a mountain.
Is this what you're looking for?
- Find my toothbrush.
- Hi Nonni, how are you?
- (speaking Italian), she back.
- Poor you.
(Nonna speaks Italian)
- I can't put up with this shit.
- No, no.
- Marie, what I do?
What I do so bad?
I was a tremble!
I feel like I'ma gonna die.
You look good.
- [Marie] Yeah?
- Yeah, you loose the weight.
- [Marie] I don't think so.
- No, si, maybe ah?
Nah, you no loose the weight.
But I making you something to eat.
- Marie, you're back!
- [Marie] Hi Mom.
- But I thought you were acting for another week.
- Don't say acting, it's dinner theater.
- Hi Tessa.
- You're here 'cause you heard I was here.
- What?
- Aren't you going to ask me how I am?
What do you mean, "what"?
- How are you?
- Horrible, horrible!
I have body aches all over.
I have three percent memory, I feel nauseous all the time.
- Mom, will you deal with this?
- Mom, tell her I don't want her stupid room.
- Oh my God, I'm too exhausted for this.
- From acting?
- Yeah from acting, it's actually a job.
- [Mother] Hey!
Everyone, take a breath.
Good, and I'm going to make us a dinner like old times.
(doorbell ringing)
(electronic beeping)
- What about the fat?
(electronic beeping)
- It's all vegetables.
- You seriously think this shit is healthy?
Are you fucking retarded?
- Hey, language.
(electronic beeping)
Chinese people are skinny.
- Yeah, and this food is not Chinese.
- It's Chinese.
- It's food, eat it.
(rapid tongue clicking) (electronic beeping)
- Nonna's boyfriend...
- Shotgun not me.
(electronic beeping)
- [Mother] Marie...
- Dear sweet baby Jesus.
Thank you for this delicious Chinese food.
- And thank you for your magic kung fu.
Roses are red...
- [Marie & Tessa] And violets are blue!
- [Mother] Girls!
- [Marie] Amen.
- Amen.
- I think you make the joke outta me, huh?
- No Nonna, we'd never make the joke outta you.
(electronic beeping)
- [Mother] All right just give this to your grandmother.
(electronic beeping)
You like it, Ma?
- Oh, hmm!
(electronic beeping)
- Oh Marie, put the phone away while you're eating.
- She can't, it's her boyfriend.
- It's not my boyfriend.
- [Mother] Who is he?
- [Marie] It's a friend.
- Who's a boy.
- Remember in grade seven you had those
imaginary mangiacake boyfriends?
- The what?
- Remember, you made those kissy faces?
- Shut up.
(moaning)
- [Mother] Who is he?
(electronic beeping) - Oh my God!
He's from North Bay.
- North Bay?
- [Marie] Yeah, he's a banker.
- Is he hot, let me see!
- What a loser!
- Yeah of course.
- [Mother] Oh my!
- Let me see.
- His eyes are very blue.
(rapid tongue clicking)
- [Tessa] Let me see.
- Mangiacake.
- No!
- Let me see!
- [Mother] What's his name?
- Brandon.
(electronic beeping)
- Typical WASP.
- It's a hot name!
- Can I just tell you,
you're never going to have a proper meal again.
You think this is bad?
Have you ever been to a mangiacake dinner party?
It's bread and water.
Prison food all the way.
And maybe if you're lucky, a crumpet.
You're just dating him cause no Italian,
worth his chest hair would date
an aging whore with an imaginary boyfriend.
Am I right Nonni?
- Si, you're right.
- [Tessa] Yeah!
- [Mother] Tessa.
- You are never going to have proper sex again.
- Tessa!
- Oww, you hit me in the tit!
That's going to bruise, Mom.
- You like my new hair?
Is good, eh?
(Italian music)
(snoring)
- What comes first?
- Jesus, it's three in the morning.
- I know.
- Fuck.
- What comes first?
- What?
- [Tessa] What comes first?!
- I don't, what?
- [Tessa] In the alphabet!
- "A" dumbass, go to sleep.
- No, R of T, what comes first?
- Uh...
T, T.
- T?
- [Marie] Yeah T, Tessa. - [Tessa] Thank you.
J or O?
- Hey, my birthday's tomorrow.
- Fuck off.
- Busted.
- [Tessa] What?
- I thought you had three percent memory.
- [Tessa] It's my short term memory.
- But you don't remember the alphabet?
- I remember stuff, just stuff that has more meaning.
- Oh.
- [Tessa] It's PCS.
- Awesome.
- Post-concussive syndrome.
That's what I have, it comes and goes, okay?
One minute I'm woozy, the next minute I'm okay.
- [Marie] Sure.
- Yeah, why do you care?
- [Marie] I don't.
- I have some instructions for you.
Please tell your fake boyfriend
to fuck off and annoy somebody else, hmpf.
You're running away from another one aren't you?
- What are you talking about?
- Why are you so stupid now that you're wasting
your time on these whitewashed morons?
- Why are you so mean?
All the time, nobody likes you.
- Hey!
I'm funny.
(Marie snickers)
I'm funny you just, you don't get it
'cause, you know, you have all these stupid emotions
so you don't get my sense of humor.
But I cracked people up so much.
Made one girl pee her pants.
They're like "Oh my god Tessa, you're so funny!"
and I was like...
It must be so lame now that I'm not there.
- Good night Tessa.
Please don't wake me up again
to tell me more about yourself.
'Cause I just don't care.
Please just fuck off and go to sleep.
(Italian music)
- Ma?
- What was I supposed to do Ma?
I did my best.
How was I supposed to do it alone without him?
- (rapid tongue clicking) Shame, shame, shame.
- [Marie] Mom?
- [Mother] I'm late.
- [Marie] Mom!
- [Mother] I'm late!
- Mom?
- [Mother] Don't tell Tessa, or Nonna.
Just a little wake-up sip.
What is it?
- I hate her.
- [Mother] She's your sister.
Look I know you two aren't like this when I'm not around.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about the meanness, the yelling, the swearing.
You two were so cute when you were little girls.
Running around the garden, laughing and giggling.
My two little fairy princesses with
your cheeks all puffed up with
red tomatoes fresh from the garden.
Now, you tell Tessa I will be back.
(smooching)
At 11am for her appointment, okay?
Love ya.
(electronic beeping)
- [Marie] Nonni.
Nonni.
Nonni?
(Italian radio)
- Owh, leave me alone.
- I know, I know what you did.
- What did I do?
- You kicked out an innocent old lady.
- Stop, she's not innocent.
- [Marie] I hate you, you bitch, stupid bitch.
- Stop!
- I hate you, I hate you!
- [Tessa] Stop, leave me alone!
- I hate you!
- [Tessa] Oh my God, stupid bitch, leave me alone!
- [Marie] I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
- She's at church, she's an old lady!
Where the fuck do you think she is?
Get out!
(gasps)
(shrieks)
Mom!
Fuck you!
- Mom's not here, it's just you and me!
(Marie screams)
(groaning)
- [Tessa] Owww.
(water running)
* Hamster on a piano, hamster on a piano
* Hamster on a piano
* Eating popcorn on a piano
* Hamster on a piano, hamster on a piano *
What, I'm trying to study.
- Did you eat cereal this morning, Tessa?
- Yes, did you clean out your cooch?
- I'm just so worried about you.
- Why?
- I'm not trying to point fingers,
but I think you need to know.
That's not all either.
- I did that?
- Yeah, you did.
It's okay.
I won't tell anybody, don't worry.
It's our little secret.
- [Tessa] I know what you did cunt.
(distant screaming)
(Nonna speaks Italian)
- Just stop your fake crying
and stay the fuck out of my room.
- [Marie] I wasn't in your room.
- [Tessa] Yeah you were!
- I wasn't in your room, I don't go in your room!
- [Tessa] Fuck off!
(keypad beeping)
(phone ringing)
- [Marie] Don't tell Mom about this, okay?
Tessa, don't tell Mom.
If you tell Mom, she's just going to worry.
(keypad beeping)
- What do you guys talk about anyway?
- [Marie] Who?
- Who, the caker.
- [Marie] I don't know, we just talk.
- Like about how engorged your privates are
and what tragically flawed underwear you're wearing, what?
- No, it's, it's like
around the playground when you have your first crush
and like it's not sexting.
I don't sext, I'm way too lame for sexting.
It's like, like you've got a crush
and you hold hands and it's virtual,
it's hand-holding, it's virtual hand-holding.
- Wow.
- [Marie] What?
- (snickers) Lame.
(keypad beeping)
- [Marie] Still no answer.
- Oh fuck, I'm gonna die.
I'm dying, fuck.
- Do you remember John Summers?
- Who?
- My boyfriend in grade seven.
- Your imaginary...
- Yeah!
- Caker boyfriend?
- Imaginary caker boyfriend.
- Yeah.
Remember when you told everyone
that he was going to be at the school dance?
And then you were so embarrassed and you like ran away?
- I wasn't embarrassed, he was there.
He was fingering me under the bleachers.
What, It's imaginary, I was 12!
Imaginary fingerings don't count.
- Well.
- Whatever, I had to do it,
that monkey boy
Anthony Colardo, he was gonna ask me out any day.
- He's gonna make big money there.
Marie, Marie, he's gonna make big money.
- Yeah, he's a plumber now, he does.
Could have married a plumber.
- Living the dream.
- [Mother] Tessa!
Jesus, Tessa, I'm waiting, let's go!
- [Tessa] Ssshht!
- [Marie] Go where?
- [Tessa] I have appointments.
- [Marie] Appointments?
- Yeah, real responsibilities.
- [Marie] Uh, more like mother has real responsibilities.
- Don't rush me! - [Mother] Marie please!
- [Tessa] I have a concussion!
- I'm not trying to rush you,
I'm just afraid we're going to be late, give me my purse.
- [Marie] What about me?
- What about you?
- How are you?
- [Marie] Uhm, I'm...
- Okay, well we'll talk when I get back, let's go!
I'm gonna be...
- How are you?
- Ugh, Tessa, I don't, I'm missing work!
- Okay bye, see you later.
(Mom groans)
- [Marie] Momma...
What about Nonni?
(door slams shut)
(phone ringing)
- Allo?!
- Oh hi, Zio.
(Zio speaks Italian)
- [Marie] I'm sorry, I didn't think anyone was home.
- Eh?
- Zio, is Nonna there?
- Tessa?
- No.
- I no understand, eh?
- No, Nonna.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay Zio, Zio is Nonna there?
Nonna, Nonna.
- Eh?
- Can you put Nonna on the phone?
- Nonna? - [Marie] Yeah!
- No, Nonna she no here now. - [Marie] Oh.
- No, she no here.
Okay, ciao!
- [Marie] Where would she go?
She doesn't go anywhere--
Uh, Zio?
Zio?!
Pfft...
Nonna!
No Nonna, no Nonna, no!
- Ugh.
(Nonna groans)
I come to the giardino to get away from you two lunatics.
I was fall asleep.
I like the freshie air.
You try once?
- [Marie] I'm telling Mom.
(electronic beeping)
- [Tessa] I'm going to bed, wake me up at five.
- [Mother] Okay.
- [Tessa] At five!
- [Mother] Okay.
- Not like last time, I have to study tonight.
- Okay.
Jesus.
- She shouldn't talk to you like that.
- Oh Marie, your sister's had a very hard day.
We all need to be more patient with her.
Marie!
Tessa's trying to sleep.
- [Marie] I can't find anything in this house.
- Marie, Tessa cannot handle these distractions.
- Yeah, well she makes these demands because
she knows that you will give into her.
- She's sick.
- If I was sick, you would still choose her.
- [Mother] You're not sick.
- But what if I was?
- Marie, Tessa really needs our help right now.
You are not the victim here.
- I need help, Mom.
What are you doing?
- Are you comfort-eating white bread?
Mom, look what she's done to you.
She's turned you into an unhealthy mangiacake.
Mom, you need to kick her ass out.
- No one's getting kicked out,
not you, not Tessa, not even Nonna.
Do you know why you're here?
You're here because it's safe here,
because you can be tamagotchi-ing
all your boyfriends all hours of the day.
- (snickering) Tamagotchi-ing?
- I mean texting.
The point is you don't have to commit to anything.
Bunny, you don't need a boy to make you happy.
- Of course you want me out, you always side with her.
- I love ya and I don't want you to leave,
but honey it's okay to ask for help.
Marie?
Marie?!
Marie, I, I, I don't want you to leave.
- I'm trying to cry.
- [Mother] Marie?
- Mom, I feel faint.
I have to go get ready for my audition.
I can't handle this right now.
(Mom speaks Italian)
(Italian music)
- It's not your fault that all the animals on the farm died.
- No, no that's way off, no.
- [Marie] Oh...
- On the mark, you know what actually,
could we see the squirrel?
- Just, okay.
It's not your fault all the farm animals died.
Sorry.
Uhm, just like walk or run?
- That's okay, I think Mary, I think we've seen enough.
It's Marie, sorry, that's good, thank you.
Thank you though.
- Can I just try again?
Please, I'm not usually like this.
I'm uh...
I'm just under a lot of pressure at home.
I'm really focused normally.
I'm, I'm a real actress.
Please, one more time?
Okay.
- [Man with hat] Okay.
- Okay, I'm just...
(huffing and puffing)
Oh my God.
It's not what you think.
- Is that chicken?
- [Marie] It's not what you think.
It's, it's not, it's not real, it's...
I'm, I'm a real actress.
(phone vibrating)
- Hello?
- [Marie] It's not your fault all
the animals at the farm died.
- Hello?
(distorted yelling)
(electronic beeping)
(phone vibrating)
(distorted yelling)
- [Tessa] You're going to feel so much better after this.
(laughs) You're funny, are you ready?
One, two, three!
I just touched it, you're not supposed to do that.
- Why are you playing with fruit?
- It's not what you think.
Why are you freaking out?
- Huh?
- Oh...
It's just another part you didn't get.
Soon enough, you'll be,
yeah, soon enough you'll be marrying
a hairy day-go Italian ape who's really
your third cousin twice removed cause
you realize you're a failure as an actress.
Me, I actually have to be smart.
- Yeah...
- [Tessa] Yeah.
- You're right.
- [Tessa] I know, and now I have to listen to you cry
and be pathetic all night while I'm--
(Marie screeches)
- [Marie] I got the part!
I got the part!
I got it!
- Owh!
- They picked me, they picked me!
(Marie screams)
I hate needles Tessa!
(Marie screams)
- Shut up, (drowned out by screaming).
Ah, your vagina!
- [Marie] There's a needle!
- Put your leg down, put your leg down.
- [Marie] There's a needle! - Put your leg down!
- [Marie] Owww, owww, I gotta lie down.
- (screaming) No, no!
(shrieking)
(huffing and puffing)
(hissing)
(gargling)
(coughing)
- [Marie] Mom, I got the part.
- [Mother] You got the part.
- [Marie] I got the part.
Oh Mom, she's only happy when she knows I'm miserable.
- [Mother] I know.
- If she's going to be like that, she shouldn't live here.
- Marie, you need to try to be more understanding.
Your sister's trying really hard to heal herself right now.
Look, I know you keep saying she's faking it,
but you know she really has a concussion right?
Look, uhm, I would never say this to her,
but uhm, I saw her running the other day
and I hate to say this but she looked kinda retarded.
- Really?
- [Mother] Hmm-mmm.
- Like how retarded?
- [Mother] Today she looked like all wiggly and wobbly.
- Why is she running?
You can't run when you have a head trauma.
- She still wants to run her marathon,
you know how stubborn she is.
- She's an idiot, kick her out.
- [Mother] Marie, did you really get the part?
(scuffing) (screaming)
(upbeat Italian music)
(huffing and puffing)
- [Kid] Uhm, excuse me miss?
Are you okay?
(groaning)
(puking)
(high-pitched screaming)
- Oh God, I was just, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
(high-pitched screaming)
- [Marie] I have such a bad headache all the time,
it won't go away.
- [Voiceover] Any other symptoms?
- [Marie] Texting makes it worse.
Uhm, I don't remember the alphabet,
names of fruits, I don't remember.
I have a really hard time remembering anything right now.
- [Voiceover] So you have no idea
when the accident happened?
- [Marie] I fell down the stairs.
- [Voiceover] How's your sister?
She was here recently, wasn't she?
- [Marie] No, I don't have a sister.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
- [Voiceover] What exactly do you
want me to do for you today?
- [Marie] I want you to diagnose my concussion.
(accordion music)
- What, are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Okay, are you okay?
- Are you okay?
- Okay, what is happening?
- Nothing.
- What did you do?
- (mumbling) Nothing.
Stop, let go!
- Stop!
- Let go!
(screaming)
Let go!
- You went to my doctor?
- No, I didn't!
- You are trying to steal my concussion!
- [Marie] Oh maybe if it was real, I couldn't steal it.
(screaming)
- Get off of me, you fucking WASP-y loving bitch.
Fuck you, oww!
- [Marie] I couldn't fucking steal a real--
(Nonna screams in Italian)
- You're hurting me!
- Get off of me you dirty Sicilian.
- [Tessa] Stop, stop, stop!
- Stop you fucking cunt!
(gasps)
(rapid tongue clicking)
Ass face!
(shrieking)
Stop!
(Italian music)
(electronic beeping)
- [Tessa] What the fuck?
(electronic beeping)
Oww!
(sighs)
(electronic beeping)
(Nonna mutters something in Italian)
- Ma?
- I'ma leaving.
You raised two animale.
- [Mother] Ah Ma, they're just young.
- Two big women, (speaking Italian).
- They're just trying to get my attention.
- Oh, and I take this lady too.
Ciao.
- Ma, please don't leave me alone with them.
(door slams shut)
Ma?
Leave me alone.
I'm desperate, I need help, and I'm leaving for the weekend.
- What?
- Why?
- I'm going to spend the weekend with Vicky.
- What, Ma you don't even talk to Vicky.
- Vicky is my best friend.
I've had it with you two, the fighting and the pissing,
and you ran off your grandmother,
well you've run me off too.
- Mom, I can't even wash my own hair.
- Mom, Mom, you need to go.
You need this for yourself, I'll help her.
- [Tessa] Shut the fuck up! - [Marie] Just, you need to
get away from this c-bag.
- (gasps) She, oh, that's so typical.
She's kissing up!
- I'm not!
- Mom! - Mom!
- Well, you know, maybe I should rethink this.
I worry about leaving you two alone for the week.
- [Tessa] Yeah. - [Marie] No!
- Mom, she said she wanted me to die last night.
- [Marie] I'm not--
- [Tessa] Mom, think about it, think this through.
- I'm just thinking about you, Mom!
- What am I going to do?
I'm going to be stranded, I'm going to be hungry.
- I told you I would help you bitch, I'm going to help her.
- She's going to poison my shit.
- [Marie] I'm not going to, Mom,
you can't leave me here with her.
If she's going to be like this, I can't take it Mom.
- Oh my God with the fake tears.
Can we, you know what?
She's playing you.
- What?! - So you just go and have fun.
- You two-faced bitch.
- [Mother] All right that's it, that's it.
I'm leaving.
- Go.
- Mom, please stay, Mom.
- You should go.
- [Marie] Mom, stay for me?
- [Tessa] Mom!
- Have fun.
- [Tessa] Mom, I don't know where my...
(Tessa groans)
(sighs)
Fuck...
(Italian music)
(electronic beeping)
(Tessa growls)
(clanging)
- [Marie] When are you leaving?
- When are you leaving?
- [Marie] Uh I am not leaving because this is my house.
- My house too, and if Mom wanted me to leave she would ask.
- (distorted voice) If Mom wanted me to leave she would ask.
- And besides I have nowhere to go and you do.
You're just being a huge fucking pussy.
- [Marie] What's that mean?
What?
It's not like that with the caker, it's not.
- I'm so sorry, did I give you the impression
that I give a shit about your fucking caker?
Fuck!
Stop!
- Ungrateful bitch, you, you made Mom leave.
- You're her favorite, you could have made her stay.
- Oh I'm her favorite, that's why
she's always wiping your ass.
- Oh, oh, ballet classes, little pink dresses.
- Mom can you please do my laundry?
- [Tessa] Oh, Marie has her recital tonight.
- [Marie] Mom, Mom, brush my teeth.
- Oh, oh, Mom, do you think I'm pretty?
- [Marie] Mom, Mom, Mom!
(the girls scream over one another)
- I need attention Mom, Mom, Mom!
Ow, stop!
No, no, don't touch him.
(grunting)
(shrieking)
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Stop it!
(screaming)
Not the potpourri!
- [Marie] Oh my God!
(screaming)
Stop it!
(screaming)
I'm gonna kill you!
- You are a fat labia.
- I have the longest legs in the universe.
(screaming)
- Eww, your vagina's in my face.
- Eww, your feet stink!
(huffing and puffing)
(Nonna speaks Italian)
(rapid tongue clicking)
(Nonna grunts)
- Go get dressed.
(speaking Italian), he make you good.
(organ music) (church bells ringing)
(the women whisper in Italian to one another)
- Ah, you brought the picture again,
such a wonderful man, such a...
- Look, it's Zio Riccardo, Uncle Giancarlo,
and slippery Silvia, angry Aunt Anna.
Wait Tessa, why is everyone looking at us?
- Oh my God we're bitches.
- We?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Today is Dad's mass, that's why Mom left.
- Fuck.
And we're fighting like children.
- Yup.
- And as we gather here every year to remember Giuseppe,
what a fine man, when he came from Italy at the age of three
I think it was, and made himself such a wonderful career.
We will never forget him.
Even though his daughters are not exactly
what we would have hoped for.
(Tessa groans)
- [Tessa] We suck.
- [Marie] We?
You suck.
- [Tessa] My sister sucks.
- [Marie] My sister sucks more.
- [Tessa] My sister sucks most.
- My sister sucks much more. - My sister sucks,
my sister wrote the book on suck.
- My sister's the suckiest sucker.
She sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks.
Look at her, she's so happy.
- Of course she's happy, she's a little old lady in church.
I'm going to make a nice.
- What does that mean?
- Okay, we go.
- Ah, just a sec Nonna, I have to confess.
- What the fuck confess?
No, I'm gonna confess!
(Italian music)
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
(growling)
Did she call me a slut?
- I really have nothing to confess.
- Is there anything--
- Ssshht, take five.
I'm just going to sit here for a few minutes.
- I was going to tell you I've been seeing this guy.
- I don't even believe in God, so it really doesn't matter.
- I guess I can't say seeing, it's just texting.
- You probably hate it when people say that.
- But it's not sexting, don't worry!
- What's God ever done for me, is why.
- Maybe if I want more, or I don't know if
I'm ready to commit.
A major concussion, nobody listens to me, nobody.
- You see, I really want him Father,
like do you know what I mean?
You hear this stuff right?
- Marie has a boyfriend, she's just rubbing him in my face.
- Most of the time I feel like a virgin
though so it's okay.
- I don't believe in God but I believe in hell you know why?
I'm in it.
- Are you jealous of your sister?
Are you jealous of your sister?
- Tessa?
- No.
- God, why would I be jealous of Tessa?
That doesn't make any sense.
- My sister, she's a total cunt.
- A what?
- Jesus Christ!
- Child, please don't take the name of the Lord in vain.
(electronic beeping)
- Oh, this is him right now, I told him I was busy.
- Those cookies, how many calories do they have?
- You mean the host?
Does that device bring you happiness?
- Oh my God no.
- Thank you.
- [Pastor] Do you think you could live
without it for a week?
- Okay, uhm, maybe you're right.
I'm going to leave this right here
and I'll be back in a week.
- Place your faith in the Lord.
- Thank you.
(tongue clicking)
- Nonni, come on.
We're just kidding.
- Tonight I go sleep at your Zio's again.
- Why?
- What?
- I go make a tasty canoli, (speaking Italian).
I make the canoli for Zio, because I know you no eat.
- [Marie] I eat them.
- [Tessa] Nonni, don't go.
- [Nonna] I come back in a couple of days.
Today you make me happy.
Couple of days, hmm?
(Nonna speaks Italian)
- [Tessa] Oh my God you're lame.
Oh my God he's lame.
(giggling)
Dear Brandon...
(electronic beeping)
(muffled giggling)
(muffled moaning)
- Fucking freak.
(Italian music)
So...
Like uhm...
I know you're not faking it.
See 'cause I'm an actress and I tried and...
I see that it, it would be...
You couldn't pretend those things.
You couldn't pretend to be dumb, it'd be too hard.
- Thanks.
- I know, I, I know I'm a bad sister.
- Pfft...
Uhm, Marie?
- Yeah?
- There's a...
There's something...
- What?
- There's something I need to tell you.
- What?
What is it?
(door knocking)
(screaming)
- [Tessa] Hi.
- Hey.
- Tessa.
- [Brandon] Hey, hey.
Are you ready for dinner?
- Dinner, what do you mean dinner?
Is there dinner, I didn't know about a dinner.
I'm not, I didn't, nobody, nobody told me.
- You didn't think I'd come?
I drove all the way from North Bay.
- I don't understand why you're here.
I didn't, I didn't know you were...
- But when you texted me you said that--
- [Tessa] I'll go.
- No.
- Yeah.
- You can't go, I'm going.
- I'm really hungry.
- [Marie] She's not hungry.
- I am hungry.
- You're not hungry.
- [Brandon] She just said she's hungry.
- She's not hungry, she doesn't get hungry.
You can't come okay, this is my date.
- Date, I thought it was just dinner.
- Dinner date.
- Yeah it's my dinner date and you're not coming.
- We can all go.
- [Marie] No, we can't!
- Okay.
- What, what are you doing?
- [Tessa] You can't go like that.
- [Marie] No, we can't all go.
- What?
- You fucking bitch!
(shouting) This is my fucking mangiacake,
you back the fuck up bitch.
You can't have this one, okay?
You're always jealous, you always want my life.
And this, you can't have this one.
Oh, so everything's good, everyone's happy.
I am so glad you're here.
You look amazing, you're really hot.
Okay, I am just going to change
and then we're all going to go together
and it's going to be really, really fun
except don't let her pick the restaurant
'cause she thinks onion rings are good and they're not.
- Okay, just...
- Okay!
One minute!
- Onion rings give her diarrhea.
(Italian music)
- Okay, I'm ready.
- Jesus fucking Christ, you look like a Gina.
- You look great.
(Italian music)
- Can I ask you a personal question?
- Tessa, please don't.
- Brandon, I was just curious,
do you want to get married young or old?
'Cause Marie's only got the one option now, old,
but men are different.
- Uh, I don't know, I hadn't...
How old are you?
- 28.
- Wow, you didn't lie?
- 28, it's a perfect age.
- Don't you just think that every age is a perfect age?
I think that sometimes.
- What the fuck does that mean?
- You're right, that's really nice, I like that.
Yeah, I think that to myself sometimes
and it makes me happy.
- Oh my God, this is funny.
- No, it's not, I already know it's not funny, Tessa.
- You don't know, I don't think you know.
- Pretty sure I know.
- We have these nicknames,
so I'm Rosie because of how fun and happy I am.
- [Marie] Please stop.
- And she is Harvey,
because of our old fat dog
who's all frizzy-haired and has bad breath.
- Stop!
- Are you okay?
- What's the matter with you, touch the caker.
- Don't say that.
- [Tessa] What?
- What's a caker?
- Tessa!
- [Tessa] What?
- I told you not to say that, it's nothing.
She just, she said the wrong word, she doesn't always--
- It's caker, it's you, it's your kind.
- Tessa!
- My kind?
- [Marie] No, no, she has a concussion,
She's really bad at remembering words.
She can't even remember--
- Your kind, it's nothing, it's like, it's like,
hmmm, passionless, bland.
- [Marie] Tessa!
- Emotionally suppressed.
- Okay, that's enough.
- Anglican, freckly.
- I think he gets it.
- Frozen food eating people.
- [Marie] I think that's enough, Tessa!
- Now this is her real personality.
- More wine?
- More bread, too.
This bread is really good,
Do you guys know what kind of bread this is?
- [Tessa] Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, what's that?
What is that?
- [Marie] Tessa, unlock the door!
(muffled) I'm not having fun.
- [Tessa] I am.
Oww!
- [Marie] Tessa, unlock the door.
- [Tessa] Brandon can come in but not you.
- [Marie] Unlock the door.
- Are you going to kiss him?
- [Marie] Shut up!
(smooching)
- [Tessa] When did you guys get here?
- [Marie] You're fucking ridiculous.
- You're ridiculous.
- [Marie] You're fucking ridiculous.
- You're ridiculous, you stay.
- What are you doing now?
- I like him.
- Yeah, I should go.
- Oh fucking stay!
Ssshht!
- He is a normal person.
You can't do this in front of him.
- Marie.
- [Marie] What?
- You're retarded.
He likes you.
- For real, you think, what?
- Like a lot, I don't know why but he does.
And you like him, and I like him.
I like him.
- [Marie] You do?
- [Tessa] I don't know, I do.
- Okay, so what?
- So...
- Yeah?
- Maybe you should kiss him.
And you will sleep in my Nonna's room.
I will know if you come out.
You understand?
- I see what you're doing!
You are trying to get me in trouble!
- Oh holy Christ.
- [Marie] I have seen this before Tessa,
I'm not falling for it this time.
- Calm down, I'm being nice, you're almost 29.
- [Brandon] Maybe, but this is really sweet,
but maybe I should just go--
- Get the fuck in the house.
It's night time, flies are coming in.
- [Marie] What the hell?
You can't drink when you have a concussion, Tessa!
- You can't have boys over.
Night kids.
- Night.
- I've never really touched a caker before.
- Really?
- No.
- I thought that was kind of your thing.
- My thing, no it's not my thing.
Like I don't know if I have a thing like that.
I mean, I know I've liked boys before
but I'm 28 so it makes sense that I would
like boys even if they were imaginary or real or--
(gasps)
- Allo!
(Nonna speaks Italian)
(the group speaks Italian over one and another)
(Italian music)
(Nonna speaks Italian)
(the group speaks Italian over one and another)
(Nonna speaks Italian)
(Nonna screams in Italian)
- I'm gonna cut off your balls!
(various people scream in Italian)
- Help, help, help!
Marie!
- What the fuck, I'm trying to sleep.
- [Brandon] Marie, help!
- Oh fuck, Marie!
Oh fuck!
Come, Marie!
- Oh my God!
(everyone screams over one another)
Oh my god, don't touch his butt!
Hang on, you're gonna be okay!
- What?
- They're just Italian, they can't help it.
Mom!
- Mom, do something, look, they're going to kill my caker.
(Mom screams in Italian)
- Give me the damn knife.
Why is there a naked boy on my table?
- I find him inna my bed with no clothes on.
Rapist.
- All right, that's it, that's it!
This is my house, my house!
And no one here respects me.
Well I'm not taking this shit anymore, you hear me?
I hate it here, you are all ruining my life!
Tessa, you do your own hair,
you brush your own teeth, you do your own laundry,
and for god's sakes, get a fucking life, do you hear me?
You too Marie, you're a maniac!
How did I raise such a selfish skank?
And get this fucking random off
my mahogany table or I swear to God
I'm going to kill him myself.
- I no finish with you.
- No, you stop it now.
Are you listening to me?
Are you listening to me you old wops?
(everyone gasps)
Oh that's right I said it.
W-O-P-S, wops!
This is my house, enough of the old country bullshit, okay?
No more controlling, no more nagging.
I am doing my best.
I am always doing my best
and I'm just so tired (sobbing).
(Nonna speaks Italian)
- Mom.
Mom, this is Brandon.
- [Mother] Brandon?
- Brandon.
This is Brandon!
- [Marie] Yeah.
And I thought you were just some naked boy on my table.
- Uh, nice to meet you.
- Oh Brandon, come here.
(rapid tongue clicking)
Mom, no no, let's have a dinner.
Let's have a big Italian dinner.
Our Marie has finally brought home a live one.
- Mangiacake.
(Italian music)
- I should probably go.
It's, I gotta work tomorrow
and it's a long drive back to North Bay.
- Yeah.
It was good.
You being here, it was really good.
I liked it.
- Good.
Uhm, maybe next week?
- Maybe.
Bye caker.
- I'll text you.
- Yeah, I'll text you too.
(electronic beeping)
- Did you really just run out after a guy?
That is such a cliche.
- I was just getting away from you.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah...
- Oh fuck, I'm sorry!
- Are you kidding me?
- I'm sorry.
- Tessa, calm the fuck down.
That was the nicest thing you've ever done for me.
I'm serious.
- Yeah I know.
It was very nice of me, I know.
- It was very nice of you, thank you.
- [Tessa] You just, you know, don't read what I wrote,
maybe just don't, you know, just a thought.
- Jesus Tessa!
- [Tessa] Pretty sexy huh?
- Yeah, too sexy, way too sexy.
- Well I had to get him here.
You're a good person, you just don't know it yet.
I need your help.
- Anything, what?
- [Tessa] Did you just say anything?
(upbeat Italian music)
- Oww!
- Quiet, don't move!
- Don't yell at me!
- [Tessa] I'm not yelling, I'm Italian.
(laughter)
- [Mother] Girls!
(laughter)
(upbeat Italian music)