AKA: The XYZ Murders
...and so at midnight, just 12 minutes from now
mass murderer Victor Ajax will be executed
in the Hudsucker State Penitentiary.
Now it's Ajax's turn to die.
For Ajax, a security system's repair man it's death by electrocution.
Thus writing finis to the horrible tale of murder and mayhem
that shocked our fair city just 2 weeks ago.
Claiming innocence to the end, but nothing can save Ajax now.
You...
No...
Sit down!
Wait... wait... no... no... no... no!
Okay, Gout.
They just fried Gurwitz.
You're next, Ajax.
But I'm innocent. Innocent, I tell ya.
Don't give them the satisfaction.
Ajax!
Well, good luck, kid. Give my regards to Gurwitz.
Come on pipsqueak, we're saving a seat for ya!
Say, you look like a couple of reasonable fellows and...
let me explain what's.. . what's going on here.
I'm not supposed to be here!
It's all a big mistake.
There's no hard feelings on this end.
Mistakes do happen
and naturally I can explain everything.
See, I only worked for Mr. Odegard and Mr. Trend.
I was an employee in their security shop
and Mr. Odegard wasn't a very nice guy and...
Don't sit down, Vic!
I guess he was planning to sell the shop right out
from under Mr. Trend's nose.
So tell me Odegard... do you L-O-V-E love it?
Could you die? Does it... ah... trip your alarm?
Frankly, Renaldo, what you do with this shop
after you bought it doesn't interest me in the least.
But let's keep this little transaction to ourselves
I wouldn't want my partner to know he's losing his business.
But somehow, Mr. Trend must have found out about it.
Mr. Trend wasn't such a bad guy,
but he and his wife had sunk
their whole lives into that business and...and...
Mr. Trend would have done anything for his wife....
anything.
Center City Exterminators...
Trend?
You there?
Little weasel...
Give me the word...
Come on, ya creep.
Do it tonight. He'll be working late, alone...
and make it quick
I don't want him to suffer.
You hear that, Arthur? He doesn't want him to suffer long!
Helene, I'll never let that rat destroy our happiness.
You can count on it.
So, so you see...
I had no idea Mr. Trend was up to something.
Nobody did, it was between the two partners.
I had nothing to do with it!
If you could only find Nancy, she's my witness.
If you could only find her, she'd tell you I'm totally innocent.
She'd tell you the whole time I was across the street from the shop
installing the video security system
in Mr. Trend's apartment building.
Mr. Trend!
Honey, I'm home!
Who is it?
It's me, Mr. Trend!
Oh... Hi, Vic. What's on your mind?
Silliest damn thing, it's a broom closet!
Well, one more camera...
Mr. Trend and it's...
back to the shop.
Fine, back to the...
You know, Vic, I'm glad we ran into each other
in this amusing fashion.
For a long time now I've been looking to have a heart to heart with you.
You know you're always been more than just an employee
to Helene and I.
Honey, I'm home!
You find this work fulfilling, don't you, Vic?
And how, Mr. Trend!
But have you ever thought about the grand design?
I mean, there's something missing, isn't there, Vic?
A door, Mr. Trend?
What's behind the door, Vic?
Oh,... Oh...Jeez,...
Mr. Trend I'd love to have a foyer, but on my salary...
a large apartment is...
I'm not talking about the anteroom, Vic...
I'm talking about the little princess inside.
Lord knows I'd do anything for Helene.
Don't go back to the shop.
Take the rest of the day off.
Tonight, you go out and find a little princess...
that you'd do anything for.
Now you go out there and find yours.
Oh, Thanks, Mr. Trend.
Just make sure that... she knows who's boss.
Okey-dokey, Mr. Trend.
How are you tonight, Colonel?
Adequate!
Hell of a storm brewing.
Know how I can tell?
No, how?
Steel plate.. in my head.
Yes sir, Korea was no picnic.
Word of advice son, when you hook up 4G.
Don't flirt with the filly that lives there.
She'll slap you quicker than you can say "present arms".
Yes sir, there's one woman who can take care of herself...
All by herself...
All by...
Taking care of yourself.
That's important.
But two people...
taking care of each other...
that's romance.
Romance.
Let's see...
Chapter one: The Perfect Woman.
Of course the perfect woman's not just gonna walk into my life, Gee...
Ohhooooooooo... Holy moly!
Oh! my goodness, are you okay?
Come on fuck, get outta the road!
You maniacs!
Incredible, I've never seen anything like that!
- Are you all right? - Ah.. ha. oh..
Oh its.. oh, oh.. you've got the key... whoops.
One more thing, chode, don't you EVER call me a maniac.
People gotta learn to watch where I'm going.
Are you all right?
Yeah...
Are you all right?
Me? Yes.
Excuse me?
What?
Oh, I.. I.. thought you... said something.
No.
Ah....
...you didn't?
Well... thanks again.
Um! Would you... Iike...to have...
some lunch some evening?
I'm sorry, No!
Ah, or a cup of coffee?
No, no, really.... I ah...
I'll pay.
No, that's not it...really...I...
Well look...
If you're not hungry... maybe we could just chat.
Hey, hey!
I've got the rest of the night off and...
Renaldo!
Hiya, cupcake.
Say, where were you?
I had to walk home from work.
Oh I... oh.. I ran into an old army buddy and
I was detained.
Hi, I'm Vic.
Owww...!
Glad to know you.
Say, what the hell, in the neighborhood
wadda you say you and I go out and
drown a couple olives, huh?
Well, I don't know... you..
It's a date then. 8 o'clock Rialto Cafe, eh?
Well, okay!
Socially, the man's a genius. I wonder if he's read this book?
- Bye Baby! - Goodbye Renaldo, goodbye!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
In all my years in the city... I ain't seen nothing like this...
...this cheap Japanese umbrella...
I am so scared...
Come on Annie, let's go inside, it's a hurricane!
My eye!
I'll sue you!
Holy Hanna, are you okay?
Jesus, I don't know.
Did you see that?
Helene, please come away from the window.
Is that Mr. Odegard's car down there?
Honey, this roast is absolutely delicious.
Is Mr. Odegard working late tonight?
No..
he went home..
to eat his dinner.
He was very hungry and he went home.
Well, it looks like there's a light on down there.
Helene, your food's getting cold.
He's still there, honey and it's after 7 o'clock.
I didn't know you were still there, honey.
I didn't know that Mr. Odegard would be working late tonight.
Wait.... I think somebody's with him.
I'm going down there!
Get away from that fucking window!
I'm sorry.
I'll go down.
You can't go out in this... terrible weather.
Don't call anybody.
I'll see what's going on.
Remember what I said.
I didn't expect him in the shop tonight.
It was complete surprise to me.
a total surprise...
and...
You'd like that, wouldn't ya, baby?
A thousand guys would give a thousand bucks to have dinner
with a girl like that.
Just look at that guy.
I'm not that kind of girl!
Well, with a little practice you could learn to be.
Oh, now, now.. wait a minute, cupcake.
Nice tie!
Ooh! $76.
Okay, here's forty.
Oh, but then, I had the appetizer.
Call me a sport.
I'd call you a heel!
So I'm a heel.
So what of it?
Who are you?
Maybe I'm just a guy who hates heels.
Maybe I'm a heel who hates guys who hate heels.
Oh yeah? Well maybe I'm a guy...
Oh... ah...
Loser.
Oh, oh. The eye... noodles.
Go on! Go on!
What in the living hell am I doing here?
I oughta shove those binoculars down your throat.
Jiminy Kripes, how'd I ever get myself into this?
For cryin' out loud.
So long, partner...
Nobody makes a fool out of Ernest Aloysius Trend.
Now everything's hunky-dory.
No witnesses.
Why, no, officer...
I couldn't say where he is.
Enemies?...
None that I knew of... know of...
Yes...
Donald was very much beloved by all.
Of course, I'm sure he's all right.
Murdered?
Ernest, is everything all right?
Yeah, fine.... I'm at the shop.
Are you sure?
Odegard's gone... It looks like he uses the back door...
Okay, and come on home, honeykins...
your dinner's getting cold.
Okay, I'll be right home dear... goodbye.
I used to think that the key to happiness...
was the installation and repair of small electrical appliances
but... well, I don't claim to know
a whole lot about the grand design
but lately I haven't been able to
shake the feeling that something's missing
and I'm not talking about the foyer or the anteroom.
Cherish is the word I use to describe all the feelings that I have
hiding here for you inside.
I don't know how many times I wish that I had told you.
I don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you.
I don't know how many times...
I wish that I could mould you into someone...
who could cherish me.. as much as I cherish you...
I haven't seen you here before.
I like that in a woman.
You're cute.
Keep talking baby, maybe you'll tell me something
I don't already know.
...don't know how many times I wish that I could hold you.
I don't how many times I wish...
Arthur...
For all we know, this is the guy that hired us.
Tell him it's a two for one sale.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... that the perfect woman is
is pretty much in the eye of the beholder.
It's funny... just some dames dig round chuck,
when they could have prime rare.
Oh, you man you!
No one can be perfect on their own.
Each person needs someone to
believe in them, to see them as being someone special.
People shouldn't be afraid to take care of each other.
Nancy... today, when I saw you fall
all I wanted to do was take care of you.
Hey!
He didn't...
Didn't you?...
Foolish..
Whoa...
Ernest Aloysius Trend, what on earth is keeping you?
Have a cab? You'll pay for that.
I don't want to break a hundred.
Take your bag, sir?
No muss, no fuss... Leave the bagging to us.
Spies... above.
Lady, you ain't seen nothing...
YET!
Put up your dukes.
What mother son's raising all that ruckus out here?
What's this?
Victor, you're a very nice guy
and I appreciate what you tried to do for me tonight
but this is one woman who can take care of herself.
Let's have a big round of applause for Johnny and the boys.
Vic, would you lend me $36?
Sure!
If I had $36...
I don't usually walk around with that much money on me!
So where on earth am I gonna get $36?
Ladies and gentlemen!
The winners of tonight's Rialto Dance Riot will receive $36!
Play, Johnny!
Woman found torn limb from limb in West Side apartment....
Film at eleven.
Operator?
It's an emergency...
Oh, please... help me...
there's a man hitting... ah!
Well, ah.. you see.. my husband went across the street... and... oh!
ah...ah...before that, I'd seen Mr. Odegard
I'd seen him working late and...
I'm going to tear out your...
Where am I?
Oh, yeah.
San Francisco...
Come to papa, sweetheart.
Oh, playing hard to get, huh? I like it that way.
Okay... hmmm..
Help!
Drop her you little punk.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Buckwheat, I is gonna give you an advantage.
Take a last good Iook at God's sweet earth, Mister.
'cause youz about to meet the being what made it.
Mr. Yarman?
Quiet down, Mrs. Trend.
There but one way to catch a rat in the dark,
you wait.
Rat, he just gotta show you his pink little ass
You can't seem to catch this rat!
I'll get ya.
Rat ain't been made what can get away from Mr. Yarman.
See?
It's a long road that's got no end.
To catch a rat, you gotta find him first.
Right!
And rats like me are hard to find.
Bon voyage, sucker!
Oh honey, look at that man!
Better not get involved.
Hey, what's so funny? Why don't you share it with the rest of us.
Aw, go on...
- Taxi! - Where to?
Some night, huh?
Some night? It couldn't have possibly been worse.
Look at the bright side.
You and your bright side.
There is no bright side.
You're not being rational, Nancy
Of course there's a bright side.
No bright side.
No.. bright.. side!
NO BRIGHT SIDE!
Nancy, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Oh!
I can take care of myself.
Of course you can, Nancy.
But taking care of each other, that's what's important.
Who are you?
You're ruining my day.
What'd I do?
What's all that noise?
Car 9, car 9, report to Watchtower apartments.
Domestic squabble. That is all.
Come on, you...
Who are you anyway?
Come on! Come on!
Come on already..
Come on..
God!
Use the elevator.
Come on, God...
Ow!
I'm Captain of this elevator...
and we are stopping at every floor.
Whoa!
Nancy, once we get you back in your apartment and all cleaned up
you'll feel like a million bucks. Here we go!
Whoa!
- Arthur? - Faron?
Look out!
Okay, Nancy, my eyes are closed.
You can hand me that dress now.
Can I open my eyes yet?
Not yet!
Behind you.
Open up, please. It's the Police.
Where'd you get the Negro, Butch?
Elevator.
What kind of paranoid schizo could kill a man in cold blood
and then jelly up his face with shaving cream?
My dad!
Son!
I don't know what I ever saw...
in that heel in the first place.
Oh, he's not such a bad guy, just a little confused.
Am I confused too, Vic?
No, Nancy. I think your emotions are wonderful.
I wish I could be as expressive as you.
You were so free when you kissed me
in the restaurant and when you slapped me.
I think you're wonderful.
I... have to get some more Sudzo for that dress.
I'll be right back.
Vic?
Umm humm.
I've just been thinking about what you said...
and it's very sweet but the truth is...
I haven't been completely honest with my feelings about you.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
No problem.
Of all the men I've known, none of them would have done
what you did for me tonight.
Gosh!
I just want you to know I think you're a very wonderful
and a very special person.
It's not often I get a chance to meet a girl like you.
Mrs. Trend... you better get back to your apartment
there are a couple of maniacs loose in this building.
I told you never to call me that!
Arthur!
Every man for himself!
Whoa!
Faron!
Ready or not. Here I come.
Come back here!
Hey, baby. Why don't you come on over to my pad..ah...
we'll have a scotch and sofa.
You heel!
So I'm a heel.
So what of it?
I'm not such a bad guy...
or am I?
Huh?
Pardon me.
Ernest Al !.....
Watch it, fatso!
Get out of the way!
Avon Calling!
I'll getcha!
I got ya!
- Oh my God! - Yo, load em up!
Let's see, the 240 will get me the 515 and the 315 will get me...
Stop this nonsense immediately.
Put her down this instant you filthy little man!
Who's gonna stop me you old bat?
You and those fag dogs?
That's right!
Hey, where ya going? The night is young.
Hey, you little witch!
Brother Faron!
I'll get the truck!
Let me in here!
Okay, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Goin' my way, sweetheart?
Women drivers.
- Faron, are you okay? - Get in the truck, idiot.
Look what they did to me... Oh, I wanna...
Wah, I'm gonna get you.. Oh, I hate animals.
Nancy!
What's the trouble son?
Some maniacs are after my girl...
and I wonder if you'd let me take your...
Do you love her, son?
Yes, sir. I reckon I do.
She sticks a little in third.
I don't claim to know a whole lot about the grand design.
Those fellows are gonna suck on some abuse.
Arthur, go ahead, go on.
No, No.. I know ya...
Go ahead, take one.
No, no... I know you don't mean it.
Arthur, I'm telling you it's okay.
- Yeah? - Go on.
You freak!
Ramming speed!
Go get her.
Get along little doggy.... and come home to me.
Beat it! Get out of the way!
Asshole!
Victor...HELP!
I'm coming, Nancy!
Make way for Victor Ajax!
Why you...
- You're under citizen's arrest, fella. - Oh, yeah..
The eye.
That does it.
Taste justice!
I'm coming, Arthur...
Hold on!
Should I stop?
Not just yet!
Nancy, I feel like a wishbone!
I'm being split in two.
Do you want me to stop?
What?
Why those guys!... I only borrowed that car!
- Hey, Vic? - Huh?
Go on, go get him, Arthur. He's over there.
Tally-Ho!
Right Mister!
Keep off of my boot. Keep off of the Dodge.
- Stand by for the bat. - Ow-oh
Arthur, are you all right up there?
- Look out for that old Vet. - There's no...
Suprise... Suprise!
How do you want it, Vic? Medium or well done?
- Look out! - Nancy!
You broke my shocker.
Mister, you've done some bad things...
and I'm gonna deal out some swift justice...
this one's for bothering my girl...
this one's for giving me this...
this one's for ruining my date...
and here's one for all the folks everywhere!
Okay son, I give up. Please don't hit me again with that baseball bat.
I realize what I did was wrong when... well... I'm.. I'm sorry.
Sometimes, sorry isn't good enough!
Wait, from now on I'll be good.
I swear it's the truth.
Just one more chance...
- Well... - Please.... friend?
Pal?
All right... but just this once.
Put 'er there buddy.
Knock his brains out!
Well, it look like the end of the road for you, Vic.
Take a little...
Arthur?... Arthur! Why you no good...
Yowwwww!
Victor!
Nancy!
Victor... save me!
Nancy!
I got ya, Nancy!
Oh, not so fast.
You can still put a stop to this.
I certainly intend to!
Ah, this is a nightmare.
And away we go!
She's going over... please... please!
I'm coming, Nancy!
Hold on kid, we're almost there.
You wanna play rough, aye.
Let's go.
Eat guard rail, fatso!
Fatso!... I'll....
Here I come.
Now it's your turn, toots!
Nancy... Nancy, jump! Nancy, jump!
I can't make it!
You can make it!
It's too far!
Come to me, Nancy!
Nancy!
Hold on! Hold on! Oh, are you all right?
Oh... No, Nancy. Please....
Not the ear..
Hold on, Nancy...
Ouch! Oh, goodness. Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?
Oh, no! Not the eye!
Who were those guys anyway?
Oh, Gee.. I don't know.
- I mean, where'd they come from? - I can't believe...
- Well, how'd they get you? - Are you okay?
Nancy, I came into your room
and I thought you didn't... care about me.
Oh, Vic, I do care! You saved...
And then I hit the water.
So you see I'm practically a hero!
Oh, thanks. So if it hadn't been for me
there's no telling how many people those maniacs might've killed!
Tell it to Saint Peter!
Saint Peter? Oh yeah, that's a good one!
But seriously, if you can just find Nancy she'd
prove everything I've told you.
Nancy, Nancy, you probably killed her just like all the others.
She's alive, I tell ya. She was on the bridge.
I don't know what happened to her,
but maybe if you ran a picture of her in the paper.
Sure! Yeah, we'll run a picture of her.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Next to your obit.
Yeah! Next to my...
Hallelujah... Hal-le-lu-jah...
Well, I've still got five minutes.
Hold it! Hold it! It's the Governor.
Am I too late?
No, Governor.
Thank God...
I didn't want to miss this.
Sayonara!
Wait!
That man is innocent!
Nancy!
Aw, come on!
Victor, darling, I had no idea.
When you fell off that bridge, I thought you were dead.
I wandered for days.
What were you wondering about?
And then these good sisters took me in.
Hi! I'm Vic.
I was about to take my vow of eternal silence...
when I read about this horrible mistake in the newspapers.
I think she's lying.
Can you good sisters corroborate this young lady's story?
They can't speak!
They've taken their vow of eternal silence!
Too bad!
Right!
She likes me!
Trivia...
IMDB states: "Paul L. Smith's voice
was dubbed in by another actor during post-production."
But doesn't say who. The movie was shot in Detroit
and George Baier was part of JJ and the Morning Crew..
on Detroit's WRIF radio in the 80's.
George did the voices of Dick the Bruiser, Popeye and several other characters.
The extra at the elevator does the Popeye voice.
Faron is close to his Dick the Bruiser voice. George Baier must have done the dub.
Hope you enjoyed the new transcription.
Hey..... Hey! Is anybody out there?