(CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
MAN: Happy holidays. GIRL: Merry Christmas.
WOMAN 1: Happy holidays.
WOMAN 2: Happy holidays.
MAN: Happy Hanukkah.
WOMAN 3: Happy Christmas Eve to you.
MUPPET WOMAN: Hurry, Gladys.
GLADYS: I'm coming.
MUPPET: Wow, cool trains. Uh-huh.
MUPPET MAN: Coming through. Excuse me.
(GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(THUDDING)
Hey. close the lid. Hey. what are you doing?
You're letting the heat out.
MUPPET 1: You're dragging it.
MUPPET 2: I got it.
You're dragging it!
I got it!
Whoa. Yeah.
BOY: Yeah!
(MUPPET CROWS CACKLING)
(KISSING)
(CHUCKLING)
(MUPPETS SINGING) Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la, Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia
'Tis the season to be jolly
MAN 1: Merry Christmas.
MAN 2: Merry Christmas to you.
Whoa. Merry Christmas to you. Bless you.
(CHUCKLING)
Why, if I live to be 102,
I'll never forget the year that the Muppets almost missed Christmas.
An icy storm blew in, and I...
Hey, buddy. What are you doing?
We're trying to make a movie over here.
Why, I'm Joe Snow, your affable, good-natured narrator.
(CHUCKLING)
Snowman narrator? We don't have no snowman narrator.
Now get out of shot, you Burl Ives wannabe.
What, no snowman narrator?
Well, that's a big mistake.
I'm part of the whole holiday collective consciousness.
I'll have my attorneys see you. Frog, Slush, and Snow Cohen.
(SINGING) Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey. jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride...
Gonzo, I sold my collection of rare cheese
to buy you this crystal petri dish for your mold collection.
(CHUCKLES) Oh!
Uh... Gee, Rizzo, I sold my mold collection
to buy you this diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Did you save the receipt?
(SINGING) And making spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight
Oh, Beakie, you sold your periodic table of the elements
autographed by Stephen Hawking
to buy me this stand for my electron microscope?
(SQUEAKS)
Oh, but I sold my electron microscope
to buy you these rare mutagenic elements.
But don't open it.
(EXCLAIMS)
(WHIMPERING)
(SINGING) Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way
Johnny, my best friend in the whole wide world,
I sold my moped to buy you this solid-gold record player.
Well, thanks, Sal.
(SINGING) Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh
Yeah, jerk.
(JOHNNY SCATTING)
Hey, there he is.
Hey, come on, sing a song with me, baby.
I don't feel like singing right now. What?
Yeah, he doesn't feel like singing with you.
Right, Kermit, my new best friend in the world?
Oh. Kermie. mistletoe. Here we go. Rowlf.
(S I N G I NG) Sleighing song tonight!
Leave me alone.
Oh, where's your holiday spirit?
Piggy. Just one Christmas kiss. Hmm?
Piggy! Would you please leave me alone?
(GASPING)
(WHIMPERING)
Well...
Kermit, what's wrong?
Yeah, your gloomy behavior would make us
wonder if something bad has happened.
We lost everything.
MUPPETS: Huh?
Uh, you're good, I didn't know you could read people like that.
It's a gift. Like my gold record player.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing!
(ALL GROANING)
We lost the money, we lost the theater. We've lost everything.
But it'll work out all right. Right, Uncle Kermit?
I mean, we'll just all pull together and everything'll be okay.
Right? ALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
Not this time.
(SIGHING)
Everybody!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
(ALL GROANING)
(GASPS) Kermit! Help me, I'm stuck!
I can't help you. I'll ruin your life.
(SIGHING)
(SHIVERING)
How could this happen?
Someone has got to do something!
Oh, dear.
(WHISTLING)
Oh, Glenn. Hi.
Kermit the Frog has got a real problemo.
So, you're gonna wanna send someone down there
so they can dish out a little yuletide justice.
Oh, sorry, Dan, no can do.
Daniel. I prefer Daniel.
This is a major crisis.
Dan. Danny.
Daniel.
We have strict guidelines
that define what is and isn't an emergency.
I can't just dispatch a field agent without
a thorough review from the subcommittee.
Come on. You know that.
(CHUCKLES)
Listen, Feliz Navidad, amigo.
Huh?
(CONTINUES WHISTLING)
DANIEL: Fine.
If you're not gonna do your job,
well, I'm gonna do it for you.
I'm taking Kermit's case to the Boss.
No, you're not.
Whoa. Hey.
Right, you're just gonna walk into the Boss' office without an appointment.
That's the kind of attitude that's gonna keep you in a cubicle, mister.
I don't care.
Kermit deserves justice.
He's going for it.
No. he's not. He's gonna do it.
No way.
I bet he's gonna do it.
WORKER: Troublemaker.
(WORKERS CHATTERING)
GLENN: What's next, we're all gonna wear color?
Wait.
He's not gonna. Nope.Nope.
No, it's called fronting off. The young folks told me about this.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
He did it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Career suicide.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BOOMING VOICE) Who dare disturb my peace?
(ECHOING)
Don't you just love the big voice? It's so scary.
Hey!
(DANIEL GASPS)
What, too big?
No.
A Jurassic butterfly.
Whoa, that's cool.
You can really see the beauty of the compound bug eye.
I think it's too big.
Danny from Accounting, right?
Uh, yeah.
Daniel. Daniel.
Danny-L.
Well, Danny-L, do we have an appointment?
No.
But this is an emergency. It's about Kermit the Frog.
Listen, I don't worry about him.
He always does the right thing.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid that if you don't help him,
he may never do the right thing again.
What?
Can you please just take a look at his case, Your Honor?
Your Excellency?
Your Bossiness.
I really can't, I have this appointment with the archangels.
You know, we're talking about Armageddon,
we're trying to get Streisand for the post-party.
You don't know how much this means to me.
I will never ask for anything again.
(SIGHING)
All right, look. If you can convince me that Kermit needs my help,
I'll send my best agent.
Oh, thank you so much.
But if you can't convince me that Kermit needs my help,
you'll have to transfer all of my albums to MP3 files.
Well, you have like every album ever recorded. Ever.
Yeah, plus imports. So, you better be right about Kermit.
Have a seat. What channel?
8-5-7-3-2-9-6 and then press pound.
Well, which one is pound, is that the tic-tac-toe thing
or the squiggly bug thing?
Tic-tac-toe.
Oh! You do it.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh... I should probably rewind it a little.
Yeah.
You know? And that's why I have this funny collar!
That's a great story. Kermit. Thanks.
You're funny.
Listen, Kermit, I wanna talk about
your big holiday show that's coming up.
Tell everybody about that.
Yeah, well, listen, I'd be happy to.
It's going to be a lot of fun and we could really use the support right now.
Listen, Kermit, I love the Muppets,
so I, for one, will be there front and center
at your Christmas Eve performance,
and I urge everybody watching to come to the show, too.
Oh, Thank you, Carson, that's great.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
Kermit the Frog. Get your tickets now
for the Muppet Christmas Show, starting Christmas Eve.
Thank you. Kermit. Thank you. Carson.
Thank you, thanks everybody!
That went well. Kermit. See ya at the show! Thank you.
Yeah. All that free publicity should definitely sell a lot of tickets.
I sure hope so. I've got to 90 work on my act.
That' 3 true. I've seen it. yes... Oh. sure. sure.
(EXCLAIMING) Who Is this little Carson Daly?
He's so now. he's so today. GONZO: I know.
He's so cute.
Excuse me, but who are you?
Bonjour. Je m'appelle Luc Fromage.
What? Yeah?
But I am not stinky like the cheese.
What? No. no. it's a different sort of smell.
But while you were out doing all your promotional stuff...
Yeah? ...I hired Luc to help us
with the big musical number. Oh!
He worked with Cirque du Soleil.
Just a little. Un peu.
And he speaks French.
I took your little Twelve Days of Christmas...
KERMIT: Yeah? ...and I made them into this great...
Vehicle. Yeah. vehicle.
(CHATTERING)
Yeah. yeah. Into the journey of the soul.
But not this soul. Or this sole. Well. “0. “O. “O.
The deep place. The deep soul. Oh. yes.
Very, very deep.
Well, I can't wait to see it.
Cirque Du So Lame?
I don't think we want the word "lame" in the title.
It is not lame, you are lame.
It is lame. Lame.
Lamé, like the shiny fabric.
Yeah. lame. Yeah. okay. okay. lame.
Right.
(COUNTING IN FRENCH)
Let the magic begin!
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoa! Ah!
It speaks to your essence, no?
No.
You're gonna love the five golden rings. The what?
Gonzo to Scooter. Gonzo to Scooter. Bring home the bacon, over.
10-4. Bacon down, bacon down.
Roget
Bacon down, bacon down.
Would you hurry up?
Don't make me miss my cue.
The ham is jammed. Repeat. The ham is jammed.
(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hang on!
LUC: I love the chaos!
I love the chaos!
(GRUNTING) My nose!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(CHUCKLING)
Yes! Yes! Bravo! Bravo!
Luc. you're a genius!
Bravo!
So, what do you think, Kermit?
Uh...
(STUTTERING) Well, it's not really what I was hoping for.
What? Are you blind? Are you blind in your little froggy eyes?
(SHUDDERING)
Well, look, Luc, I appreciate all the work you've put in here,
it's just that our Christmas show is days away,
and, well, I don't even know what this is.
This is a metaphor for the winter solstice
and the dark side of Christmas.
Yeah.
Pathos and the dark side of Christmas? GONZO: It's a metaphor.
No, no. Luc, we want our show to focus on the joy of Christmas.
You would. You're a little frog.
(SPITTING) I quit! Well...
Whoa. Now what?
That was our big opening number. What'll we replace it with?
I don't know, but we better come up with something quick.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Geez.
I'll do my boomerang fish.
I throw them away.
And they come back to me.
(FISH WHOOSHING)
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Gee. Law. I don't know. Geez.
It's kind of lacking in a Christmas theme.
Yeah. Okay.
Rita! Murray! Where are you?
We got pizza here!
Whoa. Who wants pizza?
Pizza, count me in.
Hey. Johnny. check out Rizzo's nose. What's that?
It's so shiny, you could even say it glows.
Wait a minute. (ALL LAUGHING)
Check this one out. Hey, Nosetradamoose.
Hey. Can you predict the future with that thing?
Hey, hey, hey, knock it off, will ya.
I got feelings, too, you know.
Yeah, just not in your nose.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Let's see, shiny nose, laughing and calling names.
I've got it! I've got it.
Meet the new star of the Christmas show, Frosty the Show Rat!
Gee, Gonzo, I thought you would have gone for Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat Deer.
Oh, sure, if you wanna go for the obvious.
(PEPE SCATTING)
(CHUCKLING) This business is in business. okay? Oh. yeah?
I got the health permit. I got the fire permit.
The permit to operate a topless nightclub.
What? All the contracts.
Well, wait a minute. A permit for a topless nightclub?
Better safe than sorry, okay?
Good point.
(CHUCKLING) So, Kermit, I will need a ticket to Miami, okay?
A ticket to Miami? Why?
Ah! Well, I have been invited to shake my bon-bons
at Ricky Martin's South Beach Christmas Party, okay?
KERMIT: Cool.
(SCATTING)
Well, I don't know what to tell ya, Pepe, but we're flat broke.
Oh, Hello! Hello, Muffins!
KERMIT: Hello? GONZO: Hi.
PEPE: Hole. Hi!
Rachel Bitterman, new owner of Bitterman Bank and Development.
Oh, well, where's Mr. Bitterman?
Dead.
(EXCLAIMS)
Dead? Oh, my goodness, I'm sorry.
Is there anything we can do for you?
Yes, as a matter of fact, there is.
You can pay me the considerable debt you owe me, in full,
by midnight of the 24th, or vacate this theater.
But the 24th is Christmas Eve.
Yes. It also happens to be the due date for payment on the theater.
It's funny how one day can mean so many different things.
But we had a deal with Mr. Bitterman. Yeah, you see, he said
we could extend the contract and pay him after the whole week of shows.
That's right. Oh. yeah.
Too bad you don't have anything in writing.
What... Contracts. what are you gonna do?
But Christmas Eve, that only gives us time to do one show.
And how is that my problem?
Oh, it isn't.
Well, look, Ms. Bitterman. We've worked so hard.
You know, owning this theater is our dream.
Working for a dream. That's beautiful.
My employees work for a salary.
Salaries? Is this like monies?
Yes, pumpkin.
And if you ever feel like working for monies
instead of stardust, you just let me know.
Okay, so if you need boxes for the move,
you could check the back of the liquor store.
Well, we're gonna get you that money.
Yeah, when pigs fly.
(MISS PIGGY EXCLAIMING RIZZO: Get the rope. get the rope.
(CRASHING)
For the record, I consider that flying pig to be a coincidence
and not a sign from God.
Ma'am, ma'am? I want to work for monies instead of stardust, okay?
You said to let you know. Oh!
But what about our dream, Pepe?
Kermit, I must think of Ricky Martin
and his dream to salsa with Pepe.
And she's hot.
Welcome to Bitterman Bank and Development.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Starbucks run? (SPEAKING SPANISH)
Do you know I like my coffee like I like my women. A latte.
Oh!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
PEPE: Do you know, I was talking to my fabulous friend...
Wow.
You see what I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Cup o' joe sounds good right about now.
How do you have coffee in a bush?
Shrub. It's a shrub.
When you write the laws of the universe
you know where all the loopholes are.
Hence, I created a coffee shrub.
Anyway, (SIGHING) I can't believe what Bitterman did. It's so immoral.
It's just... It's unfair.
It's immoral, it's unfair.
Why do you care about Kermit's credit problems?
Just, please, keep watching. I promise you'll wanna help Kermit.
All right, I'll keep watching.
You're just lucky SpongeBob isn't on right now.
Hove SpongeBob.
Do I care?
Christmas is ruined.
What are we going to do? It would take a miracle to save the theater!
(HARP ARPEGGIO PLAYING)
Oh, sorry. Like, I was totally just tuning up my harp.
Well, you know. You know, guys, let's not assume the worst.
Yeah. I mean. maybe we'll be okay.
BEAKER: Me-me-me-me-me.
Excuse me. Dr. Honeydew? Oh. yes?
Could you figure out a way to raise enough money with one show
to pay Ms. Bitterman? Let's work it out.
Beaker, would you boot up the old window operating system?
Ooh! Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Now, if we let X equal the value of our debt,
and Y the value of seating capacity,
it appears maximum attendance will result in Y being greater than X.
Yes, Beaker?
Me-me-mo-mo-me-me-mind.
Yes, I think you have a beautiful mind, too.
So, we'll have enough money to pay off Bitterman Bank and Development?
Yes. Wait, no. Yes.
KERMIT: Yeah?
Oh, Beakie, do you have my wax pencil?
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Oh, there it is.
Yes, as long as we add 1,900 seats.
But that's impossible.
Or we don't pay anyone till New Year's.
Well, that's not so bad.
Of next year.
Beakie?
...boils down to everybody, is we sort of have to defer our wages.
(ALL GASPING)
What? For a period of...
I can't do that. ...about a year.
(LOUD CHATTERING)
How will I afford my Propecia?
That's not a toupee? KERMIT: Look. everybody.
I know it seems like we've already given everything we can,
but if we don't give a little more,
we could lose the whole theater.
Our home.
So, what do you say?
(SUITCASE THUDDING)
Oh!
Where are you going?
Oh, Kermie, I would love to stay and work for free
but a Hollywood doctor show needs a hip, young star
with her finger on the pulse of today's urban youth. (GRUNTING)
And, well, naturally, they called moi.
(THUDDING)
Typical. I'm sorry.
All right. peeps. let's bounce. Well...
MUPPET: I've seen her do that before. Piggy!
Piggy, we need a star for our show, too! Piggy?
(ALL CHATTERING)
Okay, fine. We'll just do our show without her.
FOZZIE: Without her?
(ALL CHATTERING)
I just don't see how we can do anything without Piggy.
I'm sorry, guys, it's...
Well, I hate to be materialistic,
but, like, how are we supposed to
have Christmas without any money?
ALL: Yeah!
(ALL CHATTERING)
The words on my coffee mug are right.
"It is hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys."
Turkeys? Turkeys?
What are you talking about? What is that supposed to mean?
Guys! Guys! Look at us.
Fighting and being selfish when Kermit has done so much for us.
We should be ashamed of ourselves.
Yeah. Well...
Fozzie's right.
Kermit, I defer my paycheck. Count me in.
Thanks, Scooter.
Yeah! We're in!
I'm in. I'm in, too!
CHICKEN: I'm in. I'm in.
lam in.
I'm really in.
All right, we'll show Ms. Bitterman!
When we pull together we can do anything, right?
Yeah!
That's right! Yeah!
Yeah. even if we go broke doing it.
(ALL STUTTERING)
Gonzo? Hmm?
You're not helping.
(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah. Oh. sorry.
PEPE: This little fishy went to the market.
And this little fishy needs a kiss.
(KISSING)
And this little fishy looks like my cousin Manolo.
But, Pepe, I want you...
Oh, I want you, too, okay.
Do not interrupt me.
I want you to tell me everything you know
about the Muppets' financial situation.
You tell me, Bitter, baby, I give you all the papers right there, okay.
All the papers? Yeah.
You mean, this is the only copy
of the contract between the Muppets and Bitterman Bank?
I needed to get all the permits, okay.
(GRUNTING) Hey!
(PEPE CLEARING THROAT)
Maybe you should go with the French tips.
Something in a little... Forget the nails.
Listen. Peepee. Pepe.
Sorry.
Do they know you have the only copy of the contract?
Uh-huh.
Well, I cannot answer this question
until we talk about my Christmas bonus, okay?
I love your spirit. Well...
Listen to me. my little king prawn king. (CHUCKLING)
You answer this question, and I'll give you your Christmas bonus.
Then tell me.
Tell me. Tell me.
(LAUGHING)
No, they don't know I have it, okay?
Peel me, I'm yours!
Yes!
File this!
(GRUNTING)
Rough and sexy, okay.
But tell me, Bitterbuns,
why are you so excited about the Muppet Theater anyways, okay?
For heaven sakes, it's not about the theater.
No, it's about real estate. It's about making money, not losing it.
It's about something like this.
I call it Club Dot.
(GASPING)
Nice.
(CHUCKLING)
Does it come with action figures?
No, it doesn't come with action figures.
It's a scale model of a trendy nightclub!
Oh! You're so brilliant.
But how will the peoples fit inside? It's so tinies.
I mean, really tinies.
Come, I'll show you.
(GRUNTING)
I think your Club Dot is going to need bigger doors, okay.
(HOWARD TUBMAN SINGING)
This is not what I taught you and it's really bad
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I don't know when I've seen dancing so...
Wonderful. (CHUCKLING) Yeah?
So how's it going here, Howard?
Oh, Kermit.
Things could not be better. Period.
Mmm-hmm. Hey. is it possible to give 11096?
Because that's what I'm getting from these girls.
Well, great. Well, listen, keep up the good work, huh?
Okay. okay. Love that tushy. Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, you clodhoppers. Let's go. Five, six, seven, eight.
(SINGING)
Drummer Boy.
Well, that was (CLEARING THROAT) loud.
Everybody take five, huh?
Gee, I don't know. It seems like the show's still missing something.
I know. I'll do my boomerang fish! I...
Thank you, Lew. Thank you. Mmm-hmm. No, thanks.
Sorry, Gretchen.
I don't know, what do you think, Fozzie'?
Well, what does the show need?
Gosh, Kermit. Maybe what the show needs
is somebody who'll make people feel like they got their money's worth.
You know. somebody with star power.
Yeah?
I know, Uncle Kermit. You should call your famous friends.
You're right, Robin. To the star phone!
Right, right. Listen, we are all big fans. I watch you every morning.
And we were wondering if you'd come out
and star in our Christmas show at the Muppet Theater.
I don't know, Kermit,
I was planning on spending the holidays with my loved ones.
Well, good golly, Miss Molly. You are such a big star,
it would be an honor to us if you would come out and be in our show.
Let me remind you about the last time I worked with a frog.
We fell madly in love.
So, naturally, I have a key made to his apartment.
I break in and reorganize his closets while he's at work as a little favor.
And how am I rewarded for going to all this trouble?
The frog stops calling me! Remember that?
Hey, there, Madonna, want a free Muppet T-shirt?
Courteney, can you juggle?
Thanks, Mr. Connery.
I understand, Mr. Schwarzenegger.
Hello, Mister Rogers? Hello, Angelina?
Oh, hi, there, Britney? Hello, Nicole?
Gee, I could sure do with a little star power around here, Triumph.
Is there any way you could help me out?
Muppet movies are always the best.
You mean that? For me to poop on!
(LAUGHING)
Right, right, ya got me again, bye-bye.
Hey, guys, he's coming.
(ALL CHATTERING) So. anyway. the...
Sorry, everybody. There's no luck finding a star.
(ALL GROANING)
Well, sure you can't find anyone now, but just watch.
The day after Christmas, all these stars'll be marked down 40%.
Yeah, but, yeah, but don't give up, guys.
You know, I'm sure someone will come through.
Someone like...
I don't know, just somebody.
ALL: Hmm?
You know, somebody will...
Like...
Uh...
All right, all right, I'll go get her.
Yes. All right.
Do we have rhythm? Can't find a pulse.
Quick, the paddles.
Let's go.
Clear!
Nothing.
Alrighty, let's call it.
Time of death, 8:27 am.
(MISS PIGGY EXCLAIMS)
I think I'm feeling better.
The shocking things worked! I'm alive!
No. you're dead. No, I'm alive!
No, you're dead.
I'm alive. It's a miracle.
Cut. Cut.
What do you think you're doing?
It's called acting, sweetie.
You're an extra.
You're supposed to be a dead body.
Look, I didn't quit the legitimate theater
to play some lump under a dumb sheet.
I was thinking my character could start dating J.D.
Then become a nurse with attitude. You'd have to go.
Guess again, puerca.
Oh! All right.
Oh, I know. I'll be the cute janitor.
Yes, yes, the cute janitor who works her way up to head of hospital.
We just have to lose Frankenstein over there.
(GROWLING)
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Kermie? Pardon me.
Piggy, our show really needs you.
We really need a star, would you please, please consider coming back?
Oh, Kermie. I'm afraid I'm "must see TV" now.
Scrubs needs me.
Yeah. Miss Piggy?
Yes. Billy You're fired.
I'm sorry, what did he say? I think he said you're fired.
Gone. Canned.
Shalom. Fired? Fired?
You wouldn't know talent if it hit you in the eye!
And it's about to, too!
Okay, guys, I'll take it from here.
Sorry about that, Mr. Lawrence. Piggy, let's go, okay?
Fine. I quit! I'm a real theater actress, anyhow.
Not some spoiled TV show-off. Just a little boost, guys.
You got it. Thank you. thanks.
Naturally. Kermie... Thank you. guys.
...as your star, I have the following demands.
Yeah. Uh-huh. A fresh fruit plate. Nothing frozen.
(GRUNTING)
"Pepe. My heart is hot like a black car
"left in the sun on a summer's day.
"I must have you now." (GASPING) "Oh, Rachel."
"Oh, Pepe." "Oh, Rachel." "Oh, Pepe."
MAN: 80. Rachel. MS. BITTERMAN: Call me Ms. Bitterman.
Okay, Ms. Bitterman.
Ms. Bitterman.
I'm just not exactly clear...
Another mans?
I will curse him like a plankton, okay.
So, what will you do if the Muppets come up
with the money before the deadline?
Come, my sweet potato brain. The answer is here.
If the others are as stupid as that
backstabbing shrimp, they'll never notice
that I've changed the contract from midnight to 6:00 p.m.
(LAUGHS) Right. Changed the contract.
LOOK. I don't get it.
The old contract, the deadline was midnight.
The new contract, the deadline is 6:00 pm.
At 6:01, I foreclose on the Muppet Theater,
gut it, and put up a trendy nightclub
where I can sell overpriced drinks
to pierced and tattooed rave monkeys.
(LAUGHS)
Rave monkeys.
Come, Einstein, let's go decorate my tree.
Right. Decorate your tree.
(PEPE GRUNTING)
And tomorrow, you can 0” that chair for me.
Right. Oil your chair.
You know, not everything is an innuendo.
Innuendo.
What have I done? I must warn Kermit.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STATLER: Yeah, okay. Here's your one.
The Muppets?
Uh-huh. Got it right here. Thanks.
Yeah. Two tickets. please.
Get on in there. Okay, here you go.
Mr. Kermit! Mr. Kermit!
(PANTING)
I have excellent news. Oh. yeah?
We have sold enough tickets to cover our debt.
Oh! Good! Hey, everybody gather around.
Listen, everybody. Before we go out there,
I just want to thank you all for sticking together.
Because of all your hard work and dedication
we've made enough money to save the theater!
(ALL CHEERING)
Let's go out there and have a great show, huh?
LL: Yeah. Oh. ooh.
Nice work, guys. Nice work.
And, because I love you all,
like cousins I no longer keep in touch with,
tonight, I dedicate my performance to vous.
Give us a kiss for good luck, Kermie.
Well. I... Fifteen seconds to curtain. boss.
Show's starting. I'll take a rain check, Piggy.
Thank you. Scooter.
Sure. anytime. Places. everybody!
Places! Places!
Where you headed, sister?
(PANTING) Kermit, Kermit, I must warn you, okay.
Gee, Pepe, shouldn't you be in Florida with Ricky Martin?
No, no, no, no. Listen, listen,
because the words I'm about to say are very important, okay.
Okay, I'm listening.
You listening? I'm listening.
You are sure? Because this is very big, okay.
Pepe, the show's about to start!
Left, right, left... Left, right, left...
Okay. First of all, she cheats on me with another man.
Okay. Good grief.
And then the dollhouse. Yeah. yeah.
You know the dollhouse? Yeah. yeah.
Well. it's not a dollhouse. It's a nightclub. Really.
It's a nightclub. Okay. Imagine that.
And Ms. Bitterman, while very sexy, is dishonest.
She changed the...
Kermit, the...
...left, right, left... ...left, right, left...
Oh, boy. Now, let's see. Cue the intro!
Boss? You are the intro. Hmm?
What? Good grief!
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
Kermit the Frog!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Oh, boy.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the Muppet Christmas Show.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Now at this time, we'd like to ask you to
please turn off all cell phones and pagers.
(PHONES BEEPING)
I think it's off.
Okay, thank you. Now...
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
Merry Christmas, everyone. It's showtime!
(ALL CHEERING)
(SINGING) There was a frog A very strange, enchanted frog
And he came to France where the ladies cancan dance
To the Moulin Scrooge where our story starts for you
Wait, Donner. Stop, Schnitzel.
(GASPING) Kermit...
Whoa. Uh-huh.
My, my. This sure is a nice Christmas
here in Paris in the year 1900.
I'm sure I'll find the inspiration I need to write about love
here in this fancy, red windmill.
Ooh! But first, I think I'll try this funny, green root beer.
Ooh!
Hi, I'm the green fairy.
Well, what are you doing in my drink?
The backstroke. Ah! And, now... Well...
Get ready for a magnificent, opulent, stupendous, tremendous, gargantuan,
spectacular, spectacular!
Get ready for Moulin Scrooge!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLUCKING TO THE BEAT)
Kermit, Kermit! Kermit, Kermit. It's really important.
Unbelievable, again. Really.
(EXCLAIMING)
When the beautiful Saltine, the sparkling zirconia diamond,
saw this stranger, she knew what she wanted for Christmas,
and it was green.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the star of our show,
the beautiful, stunning, exotic, voluptuous Saltine!
Saltine! Saltine!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(COUGHING)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Come and get me, boys.
(GIGGLES)
(SINGING) Santa baby, slip the sable under the tree for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Let's pick it up a little!
Come and trim my Christmas tree
with some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you let's see if you believe in me, too
Kermit!
(PEPE STUTTERING)
(ALL SINGING) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
When you come to Moulin Scrooge
You stay, you've got to pay, yeah
MISS PIGGY: Where did you come from?
Hey, this is my big number!
(SINGING) So, if you're feeling plucky
Our chickens are just ducky at the Moulin Scrooge
MISS PIGGY: Coming through! Move it! Move it!
ALL: It's Christmas every day!
As long as you can pay! And... MISS PIGGY: Out of the way!
Will everybody stop singing different songs?
I can't remember which one I'm supposed to sing!
(GROWLING)
Santa Baby, from "Ba-doo-bee-doo."
Oh, yeah. Right.
Ba-doo-bee-doo
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry tonight
I'll be waiting up for you.
Thank you.
There is one present you can give moi.
Well, what is it, beautiful Saltine?
Vous, froggy.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Say what?
(ALL CHATTERING)
(PANTING) Kermit, Kermit, the theater is in great danger, okay.
The contract says...
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I am exhausted. okay. Oh. boy.
Kermie, quickly.
What were your 10 favorite things about my performance?
Well, it's really hard to narrow it down to just 10.
Oh, Kermie. Yeah. really.
Try. Start with number 1 O and work backward to your favorite.
Don't you have to change for your next number?
My next number! Oh, yes! I'm wonderful in that, too.
Yeah, of course.
Now, Pepe, what is going on?
Okay. You are listening? Because this very important, okay.
Pepe, I'm listening.
Okay, okay.
You must get the monies to Bitterman by 6:00, not midnight, okay.
Otherwise, we will all be on the streets again.
Wait a second, that's not what the contract says.
Mira, mira, look, look.
What?
You see. Whoa. Hey. wait a second.
She changed the contract, okay.
Do you see?
You can see right here. She's very, very tricky, okay, Kermit.
Wait a minute. That can't be.
It does be. And it's almost 6:00, okay.
Kermit, unless we do something fast,
Ms. Bitterman's going to take the theater, okay.
Yeah, yeah, but the joke's on her 'cause we've got the money.
Yeah, and I'm gonna take it to her right now.
Okay.
Pastel M&M's?
I said no pastel M&M's!
Kermie, you said you'd treat me like a star if I came back.
How could you?
But, Piggy, it's just a...
Coming through.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Kermit, 6:00.
I gotta get to the bank.
Kermit. Maybe I should go to the bank for you.
No, no, Fozzie, but what about your monologue?
You've been working so hard on it.
This is more important.
And besides, it's kind of crazy here.
Yeah. I will fill in for Fozzie. okay.
See, I am very funny, very funny. Waka-waka, okay.
Ah! Not bad.
Now are you sure you're okay missing your stand-up spot?
Kermit, you have done so much for us. Let me do this for you.
Okay, Fozzie, you've got the job. But now, remember.
This is a very important job... Kermit!
...to us and...
You can count on me.
Uh-oh. Fozzie!
Yeah? The money?
Oh! Oh, oh! Right, right, right, right. The money. Yes, of course.
Boy, hope that was the right thing to do.
Where's Fozzie? He's on.
This is me, okay.
Right. Great.
(SCATTING)
Thank you, thank you. (CHUCKLING) Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT) Waka-waka, okay.
What are Santa's three favorite gardening tools, okay?
Hoe, hoe and hoe, okay?
Hoe, hoe and hoe. This what Santa says, okay.
Gardening tools! Gardening tools! Hoe-hoe-hoe!
Hey, the shrimp's floundering!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You shut up, okay.
He told us to clam up.
What's he wanna do? Mussel us?
Don't get me steamed, okay.
Steamed shrimp.
Whoa, pass the cocktail sauce!
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
That's it. I'm coming up there!
Whoa, I'm shaking.
You're always shaking.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm going to the bank.
Gosh, I sure hope they have a little bears' room there.
Excuse me, mate.
Watch your step, this street is teeming with wild crocodiles.
There aren't any crocodiles here.
Are you telling me how to do my job?
No, no, no, no. It's just that this is a city and there aren't any swamps.
Crikey! You're a bear.
I'm gonna have to tranquilize him,
'cause bears get a tad cranky when they get a bit stressed.
(EXCLAIMING)
Crikey! There he goes!
He's getting away!
Watch out, folks! Stand back.
Come on! I think he went this way.
Watch out! There he goes.
What?
He's right there.
These darts are really potent,
so I've gotta get a clean shot.
(GASPING)
Meanwhile, everybody waited nervously for Fozzie to get to the bank.
Well, what's happening? What's going on?
Everything is melding together.
Crikey.
I think I'm going to, I am.
(SCREAMING)
There he goes!
FOZZIE: What's this?
(CRASHING)
(FOZZIE EXCLAIMING)
Hot! My eyes!
(PANTING)
Where did he go? Where'd he go?
(SIGHING)
SANTA: Merry Christmas!
You poor thing. Are you okay?
Where's Bitterman Bank? Bitterman Bank?
Look at you, you're soaking wet and freezing.
Here, you take my coat.
NANCY: Look! It's him! NICKI: What?
That's the green guy who stole Christmas! And ruined all our wishes.
I'm Nancy Nut-What from Whatville, you see,
and you've made me and Uncle Nicky quite angry.
He'll make sure you don't steal Christmas again,
by making you feel some serious pain.
Let's get him! Uh...
I can't rhyme. Can't we just go beat him up?
Yeah, let's go get that sick, green pup!
(FOZZIE EXCLAIMING)
MAN 1: Hey. that's a bear! MAN 2: Bear?
FOZZIE: Hey, where you going?
Hey! Anyone here seen that guy that stole Christmas?
He went that way!
Come on, get him!
There he goes! He's green, he's mean and...
NICKI: Hey!
(GASPING)
Thank you.
Stop, you! Come back here!
(EXCLAIMS)
(PANTING)
Hello, hello.
(GASPS)
Where's Ms. Bitterman's office?
What?
Where's Ms. Bitterman's office?
I need to deposit this money.
Well, if I was a bear, I suppose I'd deposit
my honey in an old tree somewhere.
No, not honey, money!
What?
Money! I need to give Ms. Bitterman her money!
Oh! Ms. Bitterman's laundry.
No.
Her offices are on the 13th floor.
I let her know you are coming.
Thank you.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Where's the buttons? No buttons?
Ah!
MS. BITTERMAN: Oh! What a beautiful nightclub.
(PHONE RINGING)
(IN SING-SONG TONE) What you want?
(IN NORMAL TONE) I mean, what do you want?
What? No! Stop him. No, not stockings.
Stop... Do not... Never mind.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GULPING)
Uh-oh.
(GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(BLOWING)
(SCREAMING)
Yes!
No!
So, looks like the Christmas spirit
is with the good guys for a change.
We know the truth about the contract.
There's nothing in here.
Ah! You mean nothing but a pile of cash.
(SCREAMING)
Now, if you don't mind, if you could take your sad self away from here.
You smell like a burnt couch.
No. No. No, no, no.
No.
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug... Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug”.
(EXCLAIMS)
(BURPING)
Hey, Rizzo. Listen, you did a great job.
Your nose was a real bright spot.
Yeah, lucky break.
(BURPING)
SCOOTER: Great. And you guys have been dancing together for along time?
(GIGGLING) Yeah. Yeah.
Wait! Hey, girls, come back. My uncle used to own the theater.
Hey, hey, Scooter?
Yeah, boss?
Have you seen Fozzie?
No, not since he left.
Hmm. I think I better go look for him.
And miss the party?
I'm sure he'll be fine.
Yeah, you're probably right,
but I'd feel better if I knew for certain.
(SIGHING)
Fozzie, what happened?
Please tell me you deposited the money.
Kermit, I...
Oh, Fozzie, no.
(FROGS CHATTERING)
FROG 1: Yeah. FROG 2: Just put your tongue on it.
LITTLE FROG: Really? FROG 3: Yeah, just lick it.
You're sure it won't stick. Of course. not.
No. no. of course. not. I dare you.
I double dare you.
I triple frog dare you.
Now you gotta do it. Hey. Yeah.
See it, look.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, good luck with it. I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Bye, little guy. So long!
I'm stuck! Guys, don't leave me! I'm stuck!
Think, Fozzie, think.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
What happened to you after you left the theater?
Well, first, the crazy Australian tried to shoot me with his blowgun.
Then I got painted green, so people thought I stole Christmas.
Then I ran through a steam bath and got burned by a bunch of lasers.
Fozzie, there's no time for your stories! This is serious!
Now, was it ever out of your hands?
No.
Wait. Maybe for a second when I bumped into Santa and his army.
Fozzie, do you realize that if we don't find this money,
we'll have lost everything we've worked for?
Just keep looking.
Does it help that I feel really badly?
Okay, so here are your holiday bonuses.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas.
Kermit. Hey! You gave me the greatest present of all.
Your theater.
Ms. Bitterman, you changed the contract.
You can't prove that.
I can't believe you'd do this on Christmas Eve.
Huh.
By now, I thought you would have realized I'm the bad guy.
Ms. Bitterman, why can't you understand what this theater means to us?
It's our dream.
Your dream?
Please. I mean, you can't eat a dream.
You can't sell watered-down drinks from a dream.
You can't be the queen of a Polynesian tribe in a dream.
Wait. Yes, you can. Forget that last one.
The point is, I believe in money, not dreams.
A life without dreams? That's terrible.
You just don't get it, do you? Dreams ruin lives.
And in your case, they ruined the lives of your friends, too.
I...
Hey, Kermit.
Don't let it spoil your holiday.
Remember, this is the most wonderful time of the year.
(SINGING) Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la, Ia-Ia-Ia-Ia
This is not good. This is not good at all.
Somebody's gotta do something about that Bitterman.
That's what I've been trying to say.
I mean, look what she's put this poor frog through.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing! We lost the money,
we lost the theater. We've lost everything.
I mean, send someone down there to dole out some justice.
Could you send someone down there
to dole out some justice, please?
Let me think about it.
(SIGHING)
(KERMIT READING)
Dreams. Bitterman's right.
I ruined everyone's life with my ridiculous dreams.
(SHIVERING)
You can't tell me that this is what you wanted to happen.
It isn't.
Hello, Fritz? We've got a problem on Earth.
Can you prepare the transport for a field agent?
Great. Great. Should I get Glenn on the horn?
No.
What?
Me? No, I'm the wrong guy. I'm gonna go get Glenn.
(EXCLAIMS)
What'd you do with my clothes? My glasses?
I look like an ice cream man from Hello, Dolly!
What's this?
(READING)
I should probably tell you I'm a very slow reader.
Okay, fine.
(DANIEL READING)
I'm sorry. I'm the wrong guy for the job.
See, I'm 3 numbers guy. People are too unpredictable.
Danny-L, you are the right guy.
You have a real understanding of right and wrong
and an innate sense of justice.
You'll be fine. Now, get down there
before he turns into a frogsicle.
Go.
(DANIEL SCREAMING)
Hey, Kermit! Dear Boss.
I'm too late!
See? I've already blown my mission!
Come on, Kermit. Hang in there, buddy.
(GASPS)
Hey, who are you? Why are you breathing on me?
You're alive! Now I can save you.
Yeah, well, do me a favor and don't bother. Nobody can save me.
Yeah. think I can. You see. my name is Daniel.
And I've been sent from above in the name of justice to right a wrong.
And help you get the theater back.
You? You look like some kind of an ice cream man from Hello, Dolly!
Yeah. Well. normally I'm an accountant.
Well, normally I'd love to sit and listen to this, but I've got other things on my mind.
Goodbye.
No, no, you don't understand.
I know that Bitterman changed the contract.
How do you know that?
Wait a second. You don't run one of those
Muppet Internet fan sites, do you?
No. no. no. I'm a friend and I'm here to help.
I'm sure if we put our heads together, we could come up with a plan.
Sure. Whatever.
What would the Boss do?
Hey! We'll call the press. Alert the media! Start a frenzy.
No way, pal. Bitterman owns the paper, she owns the TV stations
and three-quarters of the Internet.
How could one person own so much?
Corporate synergy. It's out of control.
Now, could you please just leave me alone? Please?
Actually, I'm not allowed to. Besides, you should not be alone right now.
You're not yourself. Yeah. yeah, yeah.
Kermit the Frog would not walk out
on his friends on Christmas Eve.
Walk out? What do you know about my friends, huh?
I'll tell you what I know. My friends will be better off without me,
that's what I know!
What? That is not true.
It is true! It is true! In fact, I've ruined their lives
and I wish I'd never been born!
Oh! No. You did not just say that. You did not just say that!
I did just say it. I said, I wish I'd never been born!
What am I supposed to do now?
I wish I'd never been born.
There, I said it again. I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born!
I wish I'd never been born.
Chapter 12, paragraph two.
"If the subject tells the field agent
"that he had wished he'd never been born..."
Psst! Psst! Come close. I wish I'd never been born!
"...then the field agent is required to adjust the world accordingly."
Yeah, do whatever you like, because, did I mention,
I wish I had never been born!
Okay, calm down, Daniel.
I wish I'd never been born. I wish I'd never been born.
What are you doing?
Well, I saw this in a training video once.
What?
Welcome to the world in which you were never born.
But how did...
Not ready is he. There is no try, only do.
(EXCLAIMS) Wrong world. Sorry.
Dan, how did you...
(GRUNTING)
What's the matter with you?
DANIEL: I'm sorry, I had to do that.
But I'm just following procedure, as outlined in the manual.
(WOMAN ON PA) Bitterman Plaza is now closing for Christmas Eve. Thank you.
Welcome to the other world, the world in which you were never born.
What happened to the park?
Ms. Bitterman bulldozed it and built this mall.
But how did, What did...
Wait a second, are you some kind of a magician?
No, but I am a part-time balloon animal artist.
You see, I take the balloons and you twist them into...
I have no time for that now, Kermit. This is a serious mission.
"I will guide you through a mysterious world. The journey will shock you."
Hey. Hey.
Leave me alone! I am going home to pack
and say goodbye to my friends.
Now, the joke's over.
Number one, you don't have a home.
Well...
Number two, you don't have any friends because you haven't been born.
But...
And number three. I don't joke.
I've been told I'm not funny.
Really. That gag with the snow in my face was hilarious. Gonzo?
I'm new at this.
Oh, Sir! Sir, if you could just spare a second here.
I'm Gonzo, and this is Amy the Dancing Brick.
And tonight... Gonzo! Thank goodness.
Hey, why aren't you at the party?
Hey, look, buddy, I'm trying to work here. Great.
What? That was my only customer today.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
Now why don't you just run along? Kermit. Come on. let's go.
I don't get it. Gonzo? Bad luck guy for me.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Amy.
I don't understand. I mean, Gonzo acted like he didn't know me.
Yeah, because that was the Gonzo from the Kermit-less world.
Hey, isn't that your friend Rizzo on TV?
I'm afraid to look.
What? Rizzo on Fear Factor? How?
Hey, Dawn, for your next stunt,
you're gonna have to face off against a filthy, disease-ridden rat.
Hey. Are you ready?
All right, now, if you pass this test,
you will then have to eat the disgusting rat.
What? Here we go.
That was not in my contract.
I'm gonna release the divider.
Three, two, one. Go! No. no. no. no. no.
(SCREAMING)
What a disgusting show. How can NBC live with themselves?
It's worse than it seems. For some reason, your not being born
has altered the world, so 90% of network TV is reality shows.
DAWN: Get me out of here! All right, go ahead, eat the rat.
First bite's the hardest part.
No! Tastes just like chicken.
Poor Rizzo. I can't watch this. This is a nightmare.
You weren't there to keep your friends together, so...
Hey, do you hear music? Is that the band?
(DISTANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, let me see my spesh, fluffy.
Wait a second, you guys are the Mayhem Band. You're not Riverdancers.
Out of the way, before you get stomped.
And besides, what are you doing out of the kitchen?
Shouldn't you be on some number two plate special or something?
What are you talking about?
Over there, short stack.
KERMIT: DocHopper's.
Are you a dancer?
No. It can't be.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, Kermit. Kermit?
(GASPS)
DANIEL: Yep. The Muppet Theater.
Do you wanna see how that turned out without you?
Oh, Dr. Honeydew! Dr. Honeydew! Please tell me you know me.
Please tell me this is still the Muppet Theater.
Muppet Theater? Can't you read, lizard? This is Dot.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no.
This is a nightmare.
Now do you believe that you haven't been born yet?
I'm starting to.
JOHNNY: Hey, Ms. Bitterman.
Here you go, dear.
Oh, thank you, Johnny.
All right. Hey, listen, boss, by the way,
these two deadbeats over here,
they stopped buying drinks for the girls about an hour ago.
Is that true?
We've been buying all night.
Yeah. we're going broke! Yeah.
They're lying.
I think it's time for you two to hit the road.
What?
(CRASHING)
How about another?
You better believe it.
Ms. Bitterman?
We're all out of mineral water.
Then find some empty bottles and fill it with tap water.
But...
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Ms. Bitterman! Not only have you ruined the Muppet Theater,
you've also ruined the Muppets!
Thank you. Customer feedback is very important to us.
I will certainly consider your input.
Wait a second. Beaker, you're all swollen.
Could we talk about this?
(KERMIT SCREAMING)
I managed to get my hand stamped.
Lick your hand and we'll try to get back in.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You guys okay? There you go.
Fozzie?
Yeah?
You probably don't recognize me, do you?
No. But this is Christmas Eve and it looks like you could use a hand.
Your kindness means a lot to me right now.
Yeah, well, always help a stranger! Bye.
(LAUGHING)
Well, he's acting a little strange.
But, gee, it's good to know Fozzie turned out basically okay.
Yeah, if being a pickpocket is okay.
He took my wallet. Unbelievable.
And you don't even have pockets. Even more unbelievable.
Yeah, but how could things be this bad without me?
I guess someone like you makes a big difference in a lot of lives.
But I'm just one frog.
You know what? I think there's someone else you should see.
Piggy.
She lives in this sty?
Yeah. Apartment 217.
Here. You better take these.
MISS PIGGY: Who is it?
My name is Kermit. Kermit the Frog.
(DOOR LATCHES OPENING)
Who?
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
Well, someone you used to know.
Yes, of course. It's all coming back to me now.
Wait right there. Out of my way.
(CAT SCREECHING)
Sorry.
(CRASHING)
(GIGGLES)
Piggy?
Korwin?
It's been so long since we met at... You brought candy!
Let's see what's in here.
(EXCLAIMING)
Creamy, creamy. Fudge center. Nuts!
Piggy, Merry Christmas.
I can see you really like cats.
Doesn't everyone?
Hmm?
So... Make yourself comfortable. Have a seat.
MISS PIGGY: Somewhere. Thank you.
You look good.
What are you up to?
Well, actually, I do quite a lot of acting.
Really.
Mmm-hmm. Of course, I do most of it from here now.
(PHONE RINGING)
Your phone.
(CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Sure.
Hello, darling. Nice kitty.
Miss Piggy knows the answers you seek.
Miss Piggy's for entertainment purposes only.
You must be 18 or older, $2.99 a minute, local tolls may apply.
Piggy, what are you doing? You're not Jamaican.
Yeah, well, I'm not psychic, either. Now, as I was saying...
Hello? Hello? Oh, great. You just lost me a gig!
Yeah, yeah. But, Piggy, that's not real acting.
That's deceiving people for money.
No. You're not a cop, are you? 'Cause if you are, you have to tell me.
No, no, no. No, I'm just a friend.
Look, what do you say you and I go out for a nice Christmas dinner, huh?
But, but what about my babies?
I mean, I still have to wrap Mr. Meow-Meow's present. Meow-Meow.
Besides, I look terrible.
Oh, Piggy. Are you crazy? You always look beautiful.
You've got more beauty and talent
than any supermodel or movie star I know.
It's true, I once had dreams of going to Hollywood and becoming a big star,
but they were just dreams. Silly dreams. (CHUCKLES)
(SNIFFLING)
Oh, Piggy.
I think you should leave now.
What?
Big day tomorrow. Lots to do.
Yeah, but wait.
Clean, decorate, bake the Christmas cry...
Pie.
What? I'm not pathetic!
No.
I still have my phone acting.
It's just that kitties and I want you to leave now.
Yes, Piggy, I heard you. Leave! Did you hear me?
But. but it's just a... Scram! Vamoose!
Look. but. Piggy. Piggy. I said out!
(GROANING)
MISS PIGGY: And take your chocolates, too!
(DOOR CLOSING)
On second thought, I'll take these.
(MISS PIGGY CRYING)
KERMIT: Daniel? Daniel? Daniel.
Daniel? Daniel, where are you?
Daniel! Daniel, where are you? I want my life back, please!
Daniel?
(SINGING) I feel so small and useless
Ambiguous and clueless
I just can't seem to get anything right
I feel so invisible tonight
All the plastic Santas doing hula dances
remind me that I don't belong
All the fake snow falling
And my friends not calling
Leave me nothing but this song
On the most miserable Christmas
Of my life
The most miserable, horrible, obnoxious, intolerable Christmas
Hey, don't give up. You just haven't found the right audience.
(SIGHS)
I'm so tired of scrounging.
I've had my chance.
(SINGING) If only I could go back
And take another crack at
All the things I've left undone
I'd do them right
If I had my friends and family here tonight
I'd have the most wonderful Christmas
Of my life
Everyone matters
Even the smallest of the smallest
Can make the biggest dreams come true
Everyone matters
For worse or for better
We can change the world around us
With everything we do
Even you
Even me
You and me
Yeah.
Thanks, pal. What was your name?
Kermit.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, have a great Christmas, Kermit.
Thanks.
I'll see you around the mall sometime.
Yeah, right.
So long, Gonzo. Merry Christmas.
Kermit, I'm sorry I couldn't help you save the theater.
I guess I wasn't much help at all.
You know, the theater's just a building.
I mean, I just want to get my life back.
All I care about is being with my friends again.
What's wrong?
Kermit, I don't know how to tell you this,
but I don't know how to get your life back.
What do you mean? Are you saying
I'm stuck this way here like this?
Well, you see, I've never done this before.
Yeah, but I can't leave my friends like this.
There must be something in your book or something.
Well, you see, it really doesn't go into a lot of detail on the subject.
No, but I wish I'd never said I wish I'd never been born.
I wish I'd never said that! How could I have said that?
I could have just said, "Kermit, you're having a bad day," maybe,
or, "Kermit, maybe things aren't quite going your way."
But, no! No! I had to say, "I wish I'd never been born!"
How selfish! It's ridiculously selfish. (PHONE RINGING)
And I'm stuck here in this reality, along with all my friends.
Hello?
I don't believe this.
Yes? How am I ever gonna get back?
What a ridiculous thing to do! Yes.
I give up.
That's great! How could this happen?
Oh. Well, that's a little weird. Okay.
I don't believe this. Thank you.
Kermit, Kermit. I can send you back.
I appreciate your help, Daniel, but there's... What? You can?
Yeah.
Well, that's terrific! That's great!
But it's a little strange.
Listen, whatever it takes. Just do it. I'm ready. Just do it.
Okay. Yeah? Yeah?
(SPITTING)
That's disgusting.
The park! It's back! I'm back!
And, and I've got spit in my eye, but I don't even care.
You did it, Daniel!
(CHEERING) Yes. I did.
Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Well, don't thank me. Just, please, go be with your friends.
Right! I'll go be with my friends!
Hey, Daniel? Is there anything I could do for you?
Well, as a matter of fact, if you found my visit helpful,
you could tell my boss by filling out this customer survey.
It will really help when I come up for a review.
Daniel, you've done more than you could ever know.
Thanks. Come here, you.
(LAUGHING)
(CHOKING) Daniel. Daniel, not quite so tight. Not quite so tight. Yeah.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just really happy.
No, it's okay, really.
Yeah. Thanks. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Kermit.
Whoo-hoo!
I'll mail it to you.
Thank you, Daniel, thank you!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
I'm back! Boy, this is great! Thank you, Daniel!
Whoo-hoo!
Merry Christmas, everyone. I am back!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
I'm back! Look! I'm back! I'm back!
This is wonderful, Merry Christmas!
Looks like somebody's been drinking a little too much eggnog.
The only thing I drank was a shot of reality
and a big glass of appreciation!
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
An appreciation of everything,
from Gonzo's nose to Piggy's beauty.
Rowlf. it's really you. Hey. Kermit.
Hey, Piggy, wow. Hey, you still got that mistletoe? Huh?
I'm not talking to vous. Hmm!
Oh, come on, you don't need mistletoe when you're green.
What?
(KISSING)
MISS PIGGY: What are you doing? Yeah. he's drunk all right.
Kissing a pig on the chops like that?
Beauregard!
Did you see that? Yeah.
Did you see it? Kermie kissed me! He kissed me!
Oh! My dreams just came true.
(CRASHING)
(LAUGHING)
MISS PIGGY: Don't worry, my fall was cushioned by Kermit's love.
Yeah, I hope Kermit's love can fix my tuba.
No problem, Eugene. You bet. And Merry Christmas, Eugene. Merry Christmas.
Fozzie?
Any second now, I know you'll remember how I let you down.
I understand if you never wanna speak to me again.
(SIGHS) I feel so useless.
Oh, Fozzie, are you kidding?
Our friendship is a lot more important than any old theater.
Really? Really.
Thank you. Kermit. thank you! You bet.
But why are you so happy? We just lost everything.
I'll tell you Why I'm happy, folks.
Because tonight, I realized that it's not
that horrible that we lost the theater.
Well, that's good, because we lost it.
Yeah, yeah, but you see, guys, what really matters is...
MS. BITTERMAN: Money!
That's right, I said money.
Let's face it, Frog, money talks.
Let's hear what it has to say, shall we?
Could everybody please pack up and get out
so Ms. Bitterman can gut this place?
Ms. Bitterman, this theater is not yours yet.
ALL: Yeah! That's right! Yeah.
Yeah! 80 get out or I'll throw you out.
Oh! This little piggy's feeling brave.
And this little piggy's going to kick your skinny, banking butt!
Oh! Skinny. Thank you.
It's too bad I can't say the same for you, Miss Porky.
Porky?
Here it comes.
That does it.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hmm.
You did not just do that.
(GROWLING)
(MARTIAL ART CRIES)
Oh, I see.
So, you want a piece of me?
ALL: Go. Go, Piggy! Go, Piggy, come on.
I see you are very agile for a plus-size pig.
Oh, my goodness.
And you will be very unattractive with a plus-size lip.
I'll give you 5 bucks on the pig.
Make that 10!
(LAUGHING)
KERMIT: Don't take that. Get her, Piggy!
(MS. BITTERMAN GRUNTING)
(MISS PIGGY MOCKING)
That's not good, that's not good.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Now, listen. Everyone calm down.
Violence won't solve anything.
And Ms. Bitterman may take our theater,
but she can never touch the Muppet Theater in our hearts.
Yes. Yeah. Right.
Well, that's fortunate because I don't want the theater in your hearts.
No? I want the theater that exists in reality.
Now if you all wouldn't mind, clear out!
(PEPE SCATTING)
Look, everyone. Look. I got some good news, okay.
Unless, of course, you are a sexy banker lady, then it sucks, okay.
I'm really worried. Peepee's got...
Pepe.
Pepe, Peepee's got some bad news.
What, are we out of toenail polish?
No. I took the monies you pay me and file for a special permit with the city, okay.
The Muppet Theater is now an official historical landmark, okay.
Historical landmark!
ALL: Wow!
Historical landmark?
So are we!
The theater can never be torn down or changed.
It will always remain the Muppet Theater, okay.
No matter who owns it.
ALL: That's great. Yeah.
Read it and weep, okay.
Seriously, if you could start weeping we'd all appreciate seeing this, okay.
Wow, Pepe, that was brave and selfless.
It was, but when you can help friends and get revenge on enemies,
isn't that what Christmas is all about, okay.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I can't believe this!
How am I gonna make money off this junky building now?
This is the worst Christmas ever.
Or is it the best Christmas ever?
Why, with an infusion of cash from you, we could add seats to the balcony,
advertise, and then put on some really spanking profitable shows!
(HISSING)
No! No! I hate you Muffins!
Good Lord. No!
No kidding. I was frightened.
Out of my way!
And merry humbug to you there, grumpy.
You Muffins are absolutely ridiculous!
You're nothing! Hey. we're all singing Christmas carols
outside and it's snowing and it's real pretty. Wanna come?
ALL: Yeah! Come on, come on, let's go.
FOZZIE: Christmas carols, come on. Let's sing, come on.
(ALL SINGING) We wish you a merry Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas and a happy new year
(GASPS)
Heavens, this is our best year ever.
Whoa! Merry Christmas. Someone up there is looking out for us.
Amazing. I failed on my mission to get justice for Kermit,
yet everything managed to work out.
Do you think maybe Kermit never needed
revenge or justice or even the theater?
Yeah, but what did he need?
What do you think he needed?
I asked you first.
Yes, but I'm the Boss.
Yeah, but I don't know the answer.
People just really need to know what matters in life,
and you opened Kermit's eyes and showed him what he already had.
People don't need my intervention.
If people don't need your intervention,
then how come The Salvation Army
ended up with all the money,
the Muppets got to keep their theater
and Bitterman ended up with nothing except her own greed?
Danny-L, I work in mysterious ways.
Well, on behalf of the Muppets, thank you.
(ALL SINGING) Everyone matters
Even the weakest of the meekest
Can change the course of history
Everyone matters KERMIT: Everyone matters
We're in this together
The world would be so different
If there never was a me
Even you
MISS PIGGY: Even me
ALL: You and me