Here's your shit.
Can't we talk about this?
Talk about what?
The fact that you're a loser
and you're always going to be a loser?
Well, we could do that,
but I don't wanna make the conversation all about me.
Everything is always a joke to you.
Can't you take anything serious?
I'm serious about us, about you.
Doesn't that count?
Come on, let's go back inside and talk about this.
When we met, you told me you were a chef.
I thought you were going places.
Come to find out, you live at home with your parents
and you don't even have a job.
Well, I can get a job if I want to.
I'm just waiting for the right one.
Wait, is this what this is all about?
That's what'll make you happy?
Oh my god, I will go out and get a job right now.
Face it, Barnaby, you're never going to change.
You're always going to be a bum
who lives at home with mom and dad,
and I'm not going to waste another second of my life
in a relationship with a failed cook.
You take that back.
I'm a chef.
No, you're a cook.
Do you even know what the difference
between a chef and a cook is?
'Cause I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a culinary degree.
Goodbye Barnaby.
And I'm pretty sure a cook
wouldn't have a badass set of knives.
Well, maybe he would,
but he wouldn't have a badass set of knives like this.
Where are my knives?
Ah!
What, are you psycho?
Who throws knives at people?
What if one of 'em had come out and hit me in the face?
You know what, I'm glad we're breaking up
'cause you're obviously crazy.
I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean that.
You're not crazy.
Maybe just a little, but that's why I love you.
Really?
You're not gonna give me back my autographed football?
Do you have any idea how long
it took me to forge those signatures?
Oh!
Would you stop throwing stuff at my face?
And don't bother calling.
I'm changing my number.
And one more thing,
I've always hated your cooking.
Dear Barnaby, your father and I have decided
it's time for you to do something with your life.
Is this some kind of a joke?
Come on, Dad, I know you're home.
I can see you through the window.
Oh, no, oh!
Hey, old man, wanna play a game of pig?
Are you talkin' to me?
I don't see any other senior citizens playing basketball.
Do you?
Are you sure you can play basketball?
I don't what you dyin' on me from a heart attack.
And I don't want you to fall over and dislocate your hip.
Ooh, good one.
Haven't heard that a million times.
Well, I don't want ya to take a break
midway through the game and go get a cheeseburger.
And I don't want you to cheat while we're playing
and fart dust in my eyes.
This is gettin' old, are we gonna play or not?
Fine, but I get ball first.
Before I sink this, 20 bucks says I beat you.
Fine, you wanna bet on the game?
Let's make it 40 then.
Fine with me.
You got 40 bucks on ya?
Sure do, do you?
Of course I do.
What do I look like, a kid?
All right then, game on.
Aw, that's too bad.
♪ Someone's got a P ♪
Check it out kid, my eyes closed.
Easy shot.
Look who else has a P.
Looks like we're all tied up.
So?
We both know you're gonna miss this next shot.
What was that about me missin' the next shot?
Don't tell me you're nervous.
That's 40 bucks, pay up.
20...
40.
Nice doin' business with ya, old timer.
Whatever, just don't spend it all on one meal.
Buy some vegetables.
Things just keep gettin' better and better.
One.
Two, three.
13, 14.
$15.
I'm so hungry.
I'll bet they'll have food there.
Barnaby?
Barnaby, is that you?
Actually, it's Arnie.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
are you livin' out of your car?
Why would you think that?
Dude, aw dude, no, check this out.
He's livin' out of his car.
It's Arnie, and I never said I was living out of my car.
Damn bro, what happened?
It's none of your business.
Well look, Noah and I are insurance brokers downtown now.
Yeah, nothin' too fancy though, corner office.
Six-figure salary.
We get to go home to an actual home.
But hey, you know what, Barnaby, you're livin' the life.
Yeah, no commitments, nothin' to tie ya down.
And at least you get to travel, right?
Really, six figures?
Yeah man, six figures.
Just so you know, when people make six figures,
they don't count the numbers after the decimal,
and insurance brokers, wow, I'm impressed.
So what, they had like an internship
for special ed graduates
or did they wanna diversify the sexual orientation,
so they hired your two homos?
Hey, hey, hey.
Relax man, he's not worth it.
We're not gay.
When you're ready to tie the knot,
I know the perfect wedding planner.
No, screw you.
I appreciate the offer, but no thanks.
You know what, enjoy sleepin' in your car tonight,
Barnaby.
Hey Gisele, does Tom Brady
know you're cheatin' on him with Forest Whitaker?
Arnie, is that you?
Madison?
How have you been?
Did you just get here?
Actually, I was just leaving.
Oh, me too.
Really, didn't it just start.
Yeah, but I wasn't really feeling the DJ, so.
Yeah, me too, he was terrible.
It was actually a woman DJ.
Wait, did you not go inside?
No, well, I was going to,
but then I ran into Noah and Chris,
and I forgot that they have crushes on me,
so I didn't want to awkwardly deal with them
making passes at me all night.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Oh, I'm in the process of moving right now.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, my last two roommates were real dicks.
Plus, you know, they're old
and they were always tellin' me what to do.
You know, besides, I thought my girlfriend
would take me more seriously if I lived on my own.
Y-you have a girlfriend?
Well, I had one, but I feel that
we'll get back together once I get my own place.
Oh, I see.
Well, I-I hope it works out between the two of you.
Yeah, I hope so too.
Well, uh, I have to get going,
but maybe we can chat some more over coffee sometime?
Yeah, that-that'd be great.
Okay.
Oh, I'm on Facebook.
Oh, I actually don't have Facebook.
What, why?
Uh, I was always getting friend requests from weirdos
and like people poking me
and that porn that was popping up on my timeline.
I know, right?
It's like, what, this hot chick wants to be my friend,
and then you click on her profile
and you see her account was made yesterday,
and the porn, it's like, whoa bro,
I got enough porn on other sites,
I don't need it on Facebook.
Then you're at work or a kid's birthday party
scrollin' through your Facebook feed bored as hell,
and then bam, big ol' P in a V. It's like, bing, bing, bing,
and then all of a sudden, your boss or a little kid sees it.
Before you know it, you're sittin' front row center
at your own intervention.
People are cryin' because your sex addiction's
hurtin' everyone, and yeah.
Yeah.
So, how we gonna stay in touch?
Uh, the old-fashioned way.
What, writin' letters?
No, give me your hand.
Oh-oh.
On the phone, smart.
Letters are way too slow.
I know.
Well, uh, actually have to get going,
but see you soon, yeah?
Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah.
Yeah, all you can eat.
All you can eat, yeah.
Hey, get back here!
Dear Barnaby, your dad and I figured
you'd spend all the money we gave you by now on junk,
so here's a little more to get you by.
P.S. this is the last money we're giving you.
P.P.S. the P.S. was your dad again, love mom and dad.
Go away, nobody's home.
Come on, Henry, can't we just see if he's okay.
You're always babying him.
This is why he is the way he is.
What if he's hurt?
Oh, he's fine, now come on.
Love you too.
Ugh!
Uh!
Hm.
This is quite the impressive resume you have here, Barnaby.
Please, call me Arnie.
All right, Arnie.
This is quite the impressive resume.
Thank you, sir.
On thing though, it says here
you were a game developer for Atari from 1980 to '84.
Exactly how old are you?
It says 1980 on there?
That's correct.
Uh, just a second, 30, 34,
42, 43, I'm 44.
Wow, really, you don't look a day over 29.
Well, unfortunately, you're-
you're a bit overqualified for the job,
but thank you for coming in.
Let me just cross off a few of these here.
Uh, huh.
And there we go.
I think you'll find
I'm just the right amount of qualified now.
I like your style,
but I'm afraid someone with your amount of experience
would just get bored.
But I'll keep your resume on file,
and if something should come up, I'll give you a call.
It says that you were on a team
that developed a vaccine for SARS?
Is that what it says?
Uh, yup, right there.
Yeah.
Well then, yes, I was on that team.
Mm-hmm, it was a lotta long days,
about five of them to be exact.
Wait, you cured SARS in five days?
That's what I just said.
You know, I remember the day I cured SARS.
I was like, guys, I think I got it.
I think I got the cure.
And they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way,
and then I showed them the cure, and they were like, nice,
except for Jessica, she was a little jealous,
so she was like, psh, whatever.
Anyway, we went out in public,
then started stickin' needles in people
and just like that, SARS is cured.
Just like that.
Yeah, just like that.
So, you just went out
and started sticking needles in people?
Um, yeah, I mean, how do you think people get vaccines?
Um, I don't know, doctors' appointments.
Oh yeah, well, you could do that,
but SARS was spreading fast,
and we were under emergency protocol.
Right.
Um, I'm actually gonna have to get back to you on the job,
um, but you don't mind if I hang onto your resume, do you?
So, I can show everyone.
I mean, it's not every day the guy who cured SARS
comes into your work, right?
Yeah.
It's cool, I have copies.
Yeah, I don't care!
I'm gonna leave the toilet seat up if I want to, Sharon!
Yes?
I'm here about the job.
I saw in the paper you're hiring.
Do you know how to rake and bag leaves?
Huh, doesn't everyone?
Can you start today?
Today?
I mean, tomorrow's actually better.
Today's good, I can do today.
All right, here.
This is the address.
Be there in one hour and change your clothes.
Sharon, for the last time, I don't know whose urine that is!
All right, what I need you to do
is to rake and bag this whole entire section of the park.
Can you do that?
That's gonna take forever.
Well, it looks like you better get started then, huh?
Why don't I do just a small area today,
like that parkin' lot?
That's a parkin' lot!
It has no grass on it!
Well, there's a little grass right there,
and then I'll do the rest tomorrow.
No, what I need you to do is to rake and bag
this section of the park.
Take this, I gotta take a piss.
Well, this is just stupid.
Well, he never said nothin' about not takin' a break.
Hey, hey, wake up.
Wake up, time to go.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Oh, before you go, don't leave without your pay.
This is a dollar, I was here all day.
Uh huh, you earned every cent of it, sleepin' on the job!
What time do we start tomorrow?
You don't start tomorrow.
We got tomorrow off?
No, we don't got tomorrow off.
You don't work for me anymore!
You're fired!
You can't fire me, dude, I quit.
Cool.
Hey.
So, what are you up to?
You know, just lookin' for a job.
Is that your resume?
Yeah.
Can I see it?
Sure.
You've seriously been applying to jobs with this?
Yeah.
Everything on here's made up.
Well, so?
Every-Everyone makes up somethin' on their resume.
Yeah, but when they do,
they make sure it sounds plausible.
It says here you're a crash test dummy for three years,
an Olympic torch holder,
a henchman, which even if that were a real job,
I don't know why you would put that on an application.
Why not?
A professor at Oxnard, a Knight of the Round Table,
and a professional Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot fighter,
whatever that is.
Oh, it's that game where you try and
knock the other robot's head off.
Whatever, were you like three when you wrote this?
If by three you mean yesterday, then yes.
The only job on here that sounds even remotely real
is the chef job at the mom and pop restaurant.
Well, that's because I actually did that,
for a few years actually.
And what happened?
They fired me
for putting strawberries on pancakes.
They're like, Arnie,
we're not runnin' a five-star restaurant here.
They fired you just for that?
Well, that and when they told me not to,
I started to put strawberries on everything,
cheeseburgers, chicken strips, homeless people,
small children, you name it, I put strawberries on it,
so technically, that's probably
the real reason they fired me.
Got it.
So, why haven't you tried to look for another cooking job.
I mean, being a chef somewhere
sounds like kind of a big deal.
I don't know, it's just not what I thought it'd be.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to have a culinary degree and then end up working at a place
where the fanciest thing on the menu
is a grilled cheese and ham?
It's terrible.
Yeah, sounds like a total nightmare.
I'm being serious.
I went to school with dreams of doing amazing things,
making food that looked like art,
being on the cover of one of those stupid chef magazines,
and now I don't even have a place to stay.
You're living out of your car?
Yeah.
Kind of already knew.
Really?
Well, when Chris and Noah
entered the gymnasium for our reunion,
they yelled out, Barnaby's living out of his car!
So, most of our graduating class knows.
Well, this has been the most emotional week ever.
First, my girlfriend dumps me, my parents kick me out,
they don't even tell me to my face,
they just put all my stuff in a box
and wrote me this letter.
Barnaby's bucket list.
That's the wrong letter.
One, get past level one on Pac-Man.
Two, hold my breath under water for 30 seconds.
Three, stay in a hotel room with no parents and jump on bed.
Wow, these are quite ambitious.
For your information,
I have completed everything on that list.
Well, except for jumpin' on the hotel bed,
but I mean, who's gonna rent a hotel room to a kid, right?
And yes, I'd say for a 17-year-old,
that is extremely ambitious.
You were 17 when you wrote this?
No, you dork, I was like eight.
Here's the real letter.
Hold on.
Yeah, this is, this is the right one.
Dear Barnaby, your father and I have decided
it's time for you to do something with your life,
and so, we're kicking you out.
I wanted to tell you in person, but your father said
I would never go through with it if I did
and end up letting you stay.
Sorry for putting all your stuff outside,
but it had to be done.
P.S. no, we won't cosign for you to get an apartment.
P.P.S. that was your dad that wrote the first P.S.
Of course, we'll cosign for you,
but you have to get a job first.
Love mom and dad.
Your mom sounds like a sweetheart.
Your dad sounds like kind of an asshole.
Yeah.
Well, now I gotta get a job, so I can get an apartment,
prove to everyone that I'm not a loser,
and get my girlfriend back.
Well, you can start by fixing your resume.
Get rid of all of this nonsense
and build on the one job you actually had.
Okay, fine, I'll, yeah.
But I'm gonna need some spending money in the meantime.
Hm, you can't ask your parents?
They wrote another note about that too.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Well, what are you doing tomorrow night?
I was gonna, you know,
n- nothin'.
I have a friend who does these get-togethers once a month
and she told me her caterer just canceled.
So, maybe you could do it?
I don't know.
Oh, come on, do you need the cash or not?
Fine.
Okay, great.
I'm gonna text you the details, all right?
Whoa oh oh oh!
Woohoo!
Woo!
Woo baby!
Oh, shake it baby!
Nice butt. Ooh!
Whoa oh!
Whoa, all right!
All of the pots, pans, and cooking utensils
are in the drawers and cupboards.
Let me know if you need help finding anything.
The guests will be here in an hour.
Any questions?
Do you have a microwave?
A microwave?
Yeah, you know, microwave oven.
It's a, people use it to cook stuff.
I know what a microwave is.
What do you need it for?
Oh, well 'cause I have a bunch of frozen TV dinners,
and how else am I gonna cook it?
I'm not usin' the oven, that's- that's way too much work.
You're actually going to serve my guest garbage
you got from the frozen food section?
Relax, I'm just kidding.
I'll have the food ready in an hour.
Um, little hint, the next time you wanna tell a joke,
make sure it's funny first.
O-kay.
Wow, it smells amazing in here.
And it looks like someone's havin' fun, look at that.
You hungry?
Duh.
Okay, all right.
Tell me what you think about this.
Be honest.
It tastes
incredible.
I mean, I figured you can cook,
but I thought it'd just be like whatever, not like this.
This is delicious.
You have a gift.
So, when you say delicious,
do you mean delicious when compared
to the Chef Boyardee standard you had for me
or delicious when compared
to actual restaurants you've eaten at?
Actual restaurants.
Nice restaurants or like fast food joints.
Nice restaurants.
Now, will you just shut up and take the compliment?
Yeah, all right, thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, what else do you have to eat?
Uh, try this.
Take the whole bite there.
Oh my god.
That is so good.
The guests are arriving, is the food ready?
Yes, it is.
Well, come on then, bring it out into the living room.
Right away, Mussolini.
Huh?
Benito Mussolini, you know, the French dictator.
You look French, so I just wanted
to pick somethin' close to home.
I know who he is.
Do I look uneducated to you?
Which apparently, you are
because Benito Mussolini was an Italian dictator.
Either way, I'm not French or Italian, I'm English.
I was gonna say Italian.
I'm sure you were.
I was, Queen Mary.
Is there some point where you realize
that you're being obnoxious
and you stop telling your humorless jokes?
No, he's just like this all the time.
Luckily, I don't care what either of you think
because my mom thinks I'm hilarious.
Just hurry up and bring out the food.
Okay, so are you gonna help me
before your friend murders me
or just keep stuffin' your face?
Oh god, Chloe wouldn't hurt a fly.
Please, I know the face of a murderer when I see one.
Whew!
Besides, she said she was English.
You know who else is English?
Who?
Jack the Ripper?
I was gonna say Charles Manson,
but yeah, I think he's English too.
Oh, really?
Yes, now help me out with this
before I end up on a milk carton.
Fine, you big baby.
Boo!
Please don't kill me, Chloe,
I'm too young to die.
What?
Really, wow.
You really are afraid of my friend.
No!
I was just messing with ya.
I saw ya hidin' over there.
Yeah, sure you did.
Anyway, what are you still doin' here?
Oh, I-I just forgot something inside of Chloe's house,
so I came back to get it.
Oh yeah, well if it's leftovers, I suggest you hurry.
I mean, there was a lotta food still when I left,
but that was like two or three minutes ago,
and she's all up there by herself, so.
It's-It's not the leftovers, but thanks for the heads up.
Hey, um, what are you doin' after this?
Well, I did just make $300,
so I think the obvious answer is uh,
hittin' up the strip club.
Seriously?
Yeah, you're probably right.
I'm gonna need more money if I'm gonna go to the strip club.
Why, what are you doin'?
Uh, I'm-I'm not sure.
Hey, do you wanna grab a drink with me?
Promise not to roofie it?
I can't promise that.
In that case, I'm game.
Okay, cool, um, I'll be right back.
Oh, so, did you have fun tonight?
Fun doin' what?
Cooking, what else were you doing?
Oh, you know what?
I did have fun tonight.
Yeah?
- Yeah. - I could tell.
More fun than cooking those
grilled cheese and ham sandwiches?
I-I don't know if I'd go that far.
You know, from time to time, I did get pretty fancy
with those grilled cheese and ham sandwiches.
Is that right?
Yes, ma'am.
So, what do you think?
Are you gonna give cooking another shot?
I don't know, maybe.
Just maybe?
But.
Barnaby,
hello?
She's here.
Who's here?
My ex, Elaina.
You mean that girl that's standing next to that hot guy.
Joking, joking, he's not-he's not that cute.
Okay, okay, I'm not gonna lie, he's-he's a little cute.
She sees me, she's comin' over here.
Hey, Barnaby!
Elaina.
Wait, wait, your name is Barney,
like the children's dinosaur?
No, it's Arnie, and it's short for Barnaby.
Bro, you gotta introduce me to your friends.
Are you talkin' about her?
No, your friends, you know, Barney and Friends.
Who are you exactly?
This is my boyfriend, Geppetto.
Geppetto, like, Pinocchio Geppetto?
Yeah, that's his name.
Is that his real name or like a nickname?
It's my real name.
No, so on your birth certificate, it says Geppetto?
So, your parents actually made the conscious decision
to name you after a fairytale character.
How's your brother Jiminy doin'?
Would you grow up?
It's okay babe, if I was named after a
giant purple dinosaur
who sang and danced with children, I'd be immature too.
Babe, that's cute.
How long you been dating, a couple of days?
No, actually, me and this beautiful slice of roast beef
have been together for what, six months now?
Six months, but we were still--
Who's this, your friend?
His girlfriend actually, Madison.
And we were just leaving.
Geppetto, so nice to meet you.
Please tell the Blue Fairy I said hello,
and Elaina, Arnie told me you were skinny,
but wow, it's called food have you heard of it?
You don't think I'm too skinny, do you babe?
No, babe, you're perfect.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
If anything, you could lose some weight.
So now I'm fat?
No, I'm just saying you're not that skinny.
- Thanks. - Babe, wait.
Hey, are you all right?
I'm fine, I just need a minute.
Look, I don't really know you're ex-girlfriend,
but from what I saw tonight, she's a real piece of crap,
and if she chose that Geppetto guy over you,
then she's definitely not very bright either.
I'm gonna go.
Arnie, wait.
Don't you wanna talk about it?
It-it might help.
Talk about what?
The fact that my ex-girlfriend was cheating on me for months
with a guy who calls her roast beef slice
and happens to be the main character of a children's book?
Or how 'bout the fact that I don't have a job?
Or that I live in my car?
Is that what you wanna talk about?
'Cause I don't see how talking is gonna change any of that.
Oh, okay, maybe not, but it-it might help you move on
or ease the pain a little.
Face it, Madison, I'm a loser.
No amount of talking is gonna change that.
You might as well just stay away from me.
You're not a loser.
Goodbye Madison.
How could you be so stupid?
She was cheating on you for six months,
and there were so many signs.
The new haircuts,
the new clothes,
the constant nagging,
having to sleep out on the couch,
and the most obvious,
when she butt dialed you while having sex,
and to think you actually believed her
when she told you that she fell asleep
while watching 15 Shades of Gray.
No woman would fall asleep while watching
15 Shades of Gray.
You know what Elaina?
Forget you I don't even care anymore.
Elaina, I miss you so much.
Hello, hi.
Um, what's your biggest pizza?
Oh okay, can I get three of those?
Actually make that four.
Do I sound like a ninja turtle?
Yeah, I want anchovies, I want anchovies.
Sunny Ranch Apartments, unit H seven, Elaina.
Hi, do you guys deliver?
Perfect, can I get 30 bowls of white rice?
Yeah, to Sunny Ranch Apartments.
Hi, can I get one of the six-foot subs, party subs?
Ah, wait hold on.
What, you wanna get two of 'em?
Are you sure?
Okay.
Can we get, make, make that two.
Um, we're pretty hungry over here.
Um, what's um, what'd you got for your hot wings?
What's the biggest order?
Sixty, no that's not enough,
Lemme get three of those.
Hm
You have four
new messages, first message.
Seriously Barnaby, you think you're funny?
I know it was you that ordered the pizza.
End of message, new message.
Really, 30 orders of white rice?
When I see you next, you are so dead,
you hear me, you are dead!
End of message, new message.
Party subs, I take that back.
I'm not going to kill you when I see you,
no, that's not good enough for you.
I'm going to hurt you so bad,
you're going to wish you were dead.
Are you freaking kidding?
I have a delivery of wings for Elaina?
Argh, you better hope I dint find you, Barnaby!
End of message, new message.
I'm looking at all this food you had delivered
and I've decided I'm gonna save it for you.
I'm going to find you,
I'm going to take you back to my place,
and I'm going to tie you up
and make you eat all of it until your gut explodes.
And after that happens,
I'm going to make you keep eating until you die!
Remember that movie Seven?
Yeah, that's gonna be you,
dead in my living room you asshole!
End of message, you have no new messages.
Whoa!
Excuse me sir, it's illegal to be naked in public.
Come on, don't run.
Hey Madison, it's me Arnie.
I just wanted to call and apologize
for the way I acted last night.
And uh, if you're free later,
I'll be at the basketball court by the beach.
So uh, hope to see you there.
All right, talk to you later, bye.
Ah, I remember you,
got you on our first Valentine's together.
What are you so happy about?
And this, from when you said we'd always be together.
Well, we both know how that turned out.
Goodbye, Elaina.
Nice shot, Gramps.
Ah god, not you again.
I bet I know what you do for a living,
you're a brick layer.
Get it, a brick layer?
Yeah, I get it.
Don't you have school or something?
It's Saturday.
Don't you have like a job to go to or something?
It's Saturday.
So, my dad works on a Saturday.
Yeah, I'm sure your dad works every day
if he has to make enough to feed you.
And I bet you have to work two jobs
just to afford the candles on your birthday cake.
I gotta be honest with you kid,
I'm a little jealous of the fact
that when you go places you get the group discount rate.
And I'm kinda jealous
that you get the senior discount when you go places.
That's basically what I just said but good for you.
Hey, isn't it almost 4:00?
Shouldn't you be at Costco
before they stop givin' out all the free samples?
Shouldn't you be at home watching silent movies?
As much as I'd love to stand here
and do this with you all day,
I have better things to do, so get lost.
Hey Arnie.
Hey, I want sure if you got my message.
Wait, you know this guy?
Are you Arnie's friend?
Who him, you think I'm his friend?
He wishes.
Yeah, whatever.
I'm Will, but you can call me whatever you want.
Nice to meet you Will, I'm Madison.
Hey, whoa, whoa, get your grubby little hands off of her.
Whoa, don't be jelly, bro.
Yeah Arnie, don't be jelly.
I'm not jel-I'm not jealous all right?
Wait, is this old timer your boyfriend?
Would you get lost?
Fine I'll go, but if you need me,
I'll be on the bleachers in the winners' section.
Cool, now leave.
You have no idea how annoying that kid is.
Yeah well, he seems like he likes you.
Oh, I think he likes you a little bit more.
Do you know how to play basketball?
Maybe you should stick to cooking.
Aha, someone thinks they're funny.
Let's see you do better.
Lucky shot.
Oh yeah?
Still think it was lucky?
How 'bout a little one-on-one?
Oh, are you sure you wanna lose to a girl?
You know I don't wanna embarrass you.
Oh I don't think I'm the one
that's gonna be gettin' embarrassed.
Okay, you wanna make this interesting?
How so?
If I win, you're gonna let me
fix that ridiculous resume you've been handing out.
Fine, but if I win,
you have to help me Saran wrap Elaina's car.
Okay, done deal, but I get the ball first.
Hey wait I wasn't ready.
Doesn't matter, one zero, first one to get to 11 wins.
I got 20 bucks on the girl.
Woo!
Tss, we'll take that action.
Can you even throw the ball that far?
I don't know, let's find out.
Oh, what, two points!
Next point wins.
Ha, gay!
Whew, and that's game.
Hey grandpa, thanks, you just won me 20 bucks!
Hey, I wanna say sorry for last night.
Aw, you don't have to apologize.
I probably would have acted the same way
if I found out my ex that I just broke up with
was cheating on me while I was still with them.
Still I mean, I shouldn't have taken it out on you.
Yeah you're kind of a dick.
You're just lucky I'm so cool.
You know, most girls would have blown you off by now.
Well you're just lucky that I'm so cool.
Most guys wouldn't let a girl
beat them in a game of basketball,
especially not with their reputation on the line.
Would you give it up?
We both know you didn't let me win.
That's what'll help you sleep at night.
Okay, lets play again right now.
- Right now? - Yes, right now.
I don't know, I'm still a little tired from the last game.
How about we do it nother day?
Okay, either you admit that I beat you fair and square,
or we're gonna play again right now.
Fine, lets go again,
but don't expect me to go easy on you.
Fine, just don't expect me to go easy on you either.
Wait, you were goin' easy on me?
You do realize you'd have to be like 1,500 years old
to have some of the jobs you listed?
I know, I look pretty good for my age, right?
I'm like, Brendan Fraser...
Tom Cruise.
So if you had to get rid of one holiday, what would it be?
Only one?
Mm-hmm.
Easy, Valentine's Day.
Ah, a romantic, why's that?
Well, for starters, I already know I'm single,
I don't need a national holiday reminding me.
And even if I wasn't,
I'm only a month and a half away from New Year's,
I haven't broken my resolution to lose weight yet
and then here we are with a holiday where I get
showered with chocolate gifts, ya know?
What about you?
I'd have to say Valentine's Day too for me,
but for different reasons.
You see I am terrible at giving gifts.
One year, because I know how important
personal hygiene is to women,
I got Elaina deodorant, mouthwash,
hair removal gel, and a feminine freshness kit.
You know, for her um.
Yeah, no, I got it.
Well, she was pissed, and then the next year,
I got her the morning after pill
with a little note that said
this is for tomorrow.
She, she hated that too.
Yeah I wonder why?
Yeah, and then most recently,
I took her to a special screening of Unfaithful.
Really?
That's kind of ironic of you think about it.
Yeah, no wonder she kept lookin' at me weird
the whole time, ah.
She probably thought you were on to her.
Luckily she doesn't know how dumb you really are.
Funny, heh, ha, ha.
Now would you focus please?
This resume isn't gonna fix itself.
I know, that's why I got you.
Well, you wanted to do it.
Right, I realize that but had I known at the time
that I'd be doing all the work
I would have asked for something else.
Hm.
Is the degree in culinary real,
or did you make those up to?
Yes it's real, I'm not a complete loser, jeez.
Well, I'm sorry but it's hard to take any degree seriously
when it's listed after your degrees in law,
nuclear engineering, politics, economics,
and adventure.
You know, I actually can't believe
you put you earned a degree in adventure,
wait you do know that's not a real degree, right?
Looks like the jokes on you Madison,
turns out that adventure is a real degree.
Really?
Yeah, I looked it up on the internet.
Huh, and how does one earn a degree in adventure?
Well isn't it obvious?
By going on adventures.
Ya know, I'm sorry I asked, delete.
Aw.
So, favorite quarterback?
All-time or currently playing?
Currently playing.
Easy, Tom Brady.
Tom Brady?
Over Drew Brees, Aaron Rodger, Manning?
And no, not Eli.
Seriously?
Seriously, what?
Tom Brady's made six Super Bowl appearances,
he's tied with Joe Montana for Super Bowl wins
and not to mention, he's been to the Pro Bowl
11 times and NFL MVP twice.
Yeah.
So, I expanded your duties at the mom and pop restaurant,
and I highlighted your culinary training and degree,
and I've added myself and a friend as a reference.
Hm.
Chloe, the serial killer?
Yes, her.
She hates me.
I'm not gonna get a job if they call her up.
Relax, she's not gonna say anything bad.
When I went back to get my stuff I forgot,
she wouldn't stop talking about
how much she loved your food.
Okay, well, if I turn up missing,
you know who to have the police question first, right?
- Yeah, yeah. - [Barnaby} Okay.
All right, so I'm gonna print some of these off
when I get home, and then I'll give 'em to you later?
Cool.
So, you ready to have some fun?
What did you have in mind?
Is that what I think it is?
Uh huh.
Remind me never to make you mad.
No, you dork.
Like this, see, roll it from underneath,
so it doesn't get stuck.
- Oh. - See?
My bad.
I didn't realize you were an expert.
So uh, you Saran wrap a lotta cars or what?
A few.
Serious?
Yes, now come on, we have to go under the car
and then over the roof.
Obviously.
Ah.
It's my friend's wedding,
and I thought we'd surprise her with an early wedding gift.
Keep goin'.
All right, let's go hide and wait for her to come out.
Okay.
There.
Sorry.
Ding, ding, pow.
So, you gonna tell me about those other cars
you Saran wrapped?
Nope.
Come on, was it ex-boyfriends?
Ex-girlfriends?
It doesn't matter.
I knew it, ex-girlfriends.
Right on.
It was an ex-boyfriend, okay?
Found out he had a wife and a son.
Just leave it alone.
All right, so a what, you Saran wrapped
both his and his wife's car?
You know, you can be a little stupid sometimes.
Only sometimes.
Did you just accidentally give me a compliment?
Shh, here she comes.
Barnaby!
You're dead next time I see you!
Barnaby, is that you?
Get over here so I can kick your ass.
What the?
Ooh!
Were you just trying to break into my car?
No, this is your car?
I thought it was mine.
You have the same car?
What kinda car is this then?
SUV.
I meant make and model, genius.
Uh, Ford?
No.
Chevy?
Okay, now you're just guessing.
Hey, some people don't know
what kind of car they drive, right?
Uh, I guess.
Wait a second, don't I know you?
No.
You're the asshole that stole my bag of cans and ran off.
Hey, you mistook me for someone else.
No, I know it's you.
You're wearin' that same silly pants and everything!
What's that?
I can still see you.
Uh, no, you can't.
Yes.
No?
Whatever dude, just stay away from my car!
Excuse me, sir.
This is the second time I tell you
it's illegal to be naked in public.
We're gonna have to take you in.
Quit resisting, you're under arrest!
Is he resisting?
He sure is.
Looks like we're gonna have to tase him!
No, I'm not resisting.
Thanks for bailin' me out.
No problem.
Nice clothes.
It's all they had.
What happened to your clothes?
Did they not give 'em back?
I wasn't wearing any clothes when they arrested me.
What?
You were naked?
If naked means I wasn't wearing any clothes,
then yeah, I was naked.
What happened?
Wait, why were you naked
and what did you'd do to get arrested?
Well apparently, they have a law
against showering naked in public.
Stupid, right?
Why have a shower in a public place
if you can't take a naked shower under it?
You mean beach showers?
Because I'm pretty sure you're only supposed to use those
to like get sand off of your body.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, good news, I sent off your resume
to a couple of restaurants that were looking for a chef.
One of 'em messaged me back
and they want you to come in for an interview.
Cool.
Don't sound too excited.
I just don't think I'm gonna make it to that interview.
Why?
Well, I told you already,
I don't really wanna be a chef anymore.
But you're good at it.
And this isn't gonna be like the last job you had.
Their menu is amazing, I made sure of it.
I know you're gonna like it.
It's not that.
Then what is it?
It's, uh, you ever, you ever just think
that you'd be further along in your life
when you got to this age.
I mean, look how old we are.
I thought when I got this old, I'd have a house, wife,
kids, an actual career I can be proud of, but look at me.
If I take this job,
they'll most likely start me off at a low position,
and I'll waste even more time tryin' to move my way up,
and I'll be in the same place I was in
when I graduated from high school.
And then, what if that doesn't work out?
I don't wanna be 40 livin' out of my car
tryin' to figure out what to do with my life.
I don't think anybody has it figured out, Arnie.
You think having a good job
and a house and family'd change that?
Because I know a lot of people who have those things,
and they're just as confused as you are.
I highly doubt that.
Everything always looks better from the outside in.
You know what you should do with your life?
Something that you love.
What is it that you love, Arnie?
I guess I do like to cook.
Then cook.
You know, most people spend their life
searching for something they love, and you found it.
So in my book, you're way ahead of the rest.
You do have a point.
Uh, yeah.
What is it that you like to do?
Me,
I like to eat.
So, I guess that makes us the perfect pair.
I guess we are.
Speaking of food, I am starving.
The prison food was terrible.
Do you wanna get somethin'?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Thanks for comin' with me.
Hey, relax, you're gonna do fine.
You think so?
I know so.
I don't know.
It's been a long time since I've cooked at this level.
Maybe we should just go.
Look at me, Arnie.
You're an amazing cook, and you're gonna go in there,
and they're gonna see that, and they're gonna love you.
Maybe.
Would you stop dong that?
Doing what?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I don't feel sorry for myself.
Yes, you do, all the time, actually.
It's not that I feel sorry for myself, it's just,
I don't know if I'm good enough.
And I don't wanna go in there and make a fool outta myself.
But Arnie, you are good enough.
Oh, maybe.
Look, you can have all the talent in the world,
but if you don't believe in yourself,
it really doesn't matter, does it?
And maybe you go in there and totally screw up,
but who cares?
At least you went in there and found out
instead of spending the rest of your life wondering what if.
You know, you can be quite persuasive when you want to be.
I know.
Um, my driver-side door is broken,
so I have to.
Oh, yeah, that's cool.
Sorry.
It's all good.
Got it?
There ya go.
- You good? - Yeah.
Okay.
Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Well, my name is Barnaby, but everyone calls me Arnie,
and I recently broke up with my girlfriend
who I later found out had been cheatin' on me
for the last six months.
What I meant to say is,
I love to cook, and after graduating culinary school,
I got a terrible job at a terrible restaurant,
nothing like this place, this place is great,
and I forgot how much I love to cook,
but then recently, a really amazing friend of mine
reminded me of how much I love it.
Heat, the smell, the art,
watching people's faces light up when they taste your food,
and so here I am.
What do you know about our restaurant?
Well, I know you're open from 11:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Sunday through Monday,
open until midnight Friday and Saturday,
have been voted best local restaurant three years running,
have a menu consisting of 60% Italian dishes,
and are located in a part of town
that receives a lot of high-end consumer foot traffic.
Well done, you've done your homework.
You're damn right I did.
Well now, in front of you are several ingredients.
I want you to write me a menu and cook it.
You have 30 minutes starting from now.
Yes?
Is menu with one n or two?
Just kiddin', I know it's two.
Ha, you can put your hands down now.
Right.
So, what do you think?
For someone who can't spell menu, that's quite good.
I know there's only one n.
And no e on the end.
Well, I've got one more interview,
but you should be hearing from me soon.
Awesome.
Thank you.
So, got a little bored while I was waiting,
and I was digging through your stuff,
and I found your autograph football.
Oh yeah?
It's cool, right?
Yeah.
It took me like two weeks to forge the signatures.
I bet.
So?
How'd it go in there?
Uh, she has one other person to interview,
uh, but it looks like I got the job.
Really?
Yeah, well, I mean, she's gonna call me tomorrow.
See?
And you didn't wanna go in there.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's go celebrate.
Okay.
Where do you wanna go?
I have a place in mind.
Get in, I'll drive.
Oh, I gotta be honest.
When I woke up this morning,
I did not see my day ending here.
Is that right?
You, uh, didn't see your day ending with you
crossing off the final thing from your bucket list?
Oh.
That's what this is about?
I thought we were gonna--
Oh, I know what you thought.
So, you wanna come up here and join me?
Yes.
Oh, when I was a kid,
I thought this was gonna be a lot more fun.
Yeah, uh, I guess it has lost
some of its fun over the years, huh?
So, what do you wanna do?
Well, I still have some of the money left over
from when I cooked for your friend.
How 'bout we pig out on room service?
Thought you'd never ask.
Okay, you gotta try this one.
Oh my god, that is terrible.
I know, right?
Hm, why would you make me taste that?
You're the one that ordered it.
Ugh.
So,
I don't think I ever told you thanks.
For what?
For everything.
I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for you.
It's no problem.
I'm sure you would've done the same for me.
Yeah.
What?
Nothin'.
Tell me.
It's just,
I've never seen someone
eat food without chewing.
I know you can do it, I've just never seen it done before.
Okay, shut up.
Ah, I was just jokin'.
Yeah, sure.
So, whatever happened to that married guy you were datin'?
Were you two together for a while?
Um, yeah, we were,
we were together for quite some time.
Like a few months?
Two years.
He was married the whole time
and you didn't figure that out for two years?
What about women's intuition and all that?
I'm sorry, continue.
Um,
well, the whole time we were dating,
I was always busy working and I was taking night classes.
Um, we didn't see each other that much.
I mean, I always figured he was hiding something,
but I also thought maybe I was just imagining things.
How'd you find out about his wife and kids?
That was by accident really.
Um, I was out with a friend somewhere
and um, there he was,
across the street at a little cafe
with his wife and son,
and they looked like a regular family.
I mean, they looked so happy,
and he looked over at me at one point,
and then he went back to talking to his wife
and playing with his son,
like he didn't even know who I was.
What a real sack of shit.
So, what'd you do?
Did you tell his wife?
Key his car?
Egg his house?
No.
Uh
I just deleted him from my phone,
and I've been single ever since.
You know, I didn't even tell my friends what happened.
I, uh, I was too embarrassed.
You're actually the first person I've ever told.
Well, this night
has really taken a turn for Depressionville.
Oh, well, you're the one who asked me about my ex.
Well, I just didn't know
you were gonna make it sound so sad, you know?
Oh, oh, okay.
Um, was-was I supposed to make it sound happy?
Well, you could made it a little more happier.
I'm sorry,
I'm gonna stop talking now and go take a shower.
It's been a while since I've taken shower
in an actual bathroom.
Okay, so, yeah,
I'll be in the shower.
Did you want one?
Hey, Madison, you really gotta
try this shower before we leave.
It's got one of those shower heads with the hoses,
so you can get all up in your spaces.
It's really quite amazing.
Hey, Madison, did you hear what I said?
Got one of those shower heads with the, uh.
Hello.
This is him.
Really?
No, that's great news.
Where at?
When would you want me to be there by?
Yes, I can be there then.
No, thank you.
Bye.
Madison?
Yeah.
I got the job.
They wanna hire me as head chef.
I start Monday.
What?
That's great, Arnie.
What's wrong, why do you look so sad?
They want me to move.
Far.
How-how far?
Seattle.
That is far.
Tell me about it.
Well, it sounds like a great opportunity.
You should definitely go for it.
I mean it is, but, uh.
But what?
I don't know, it's just really far.
Head chefs take vacations, right?
Yeah.
Then you can always come and visit.
I guess so.
So, when do you have to leave?
I should probably leave by,
well, I should probably leave in the next couple of hours
if I'm gonna be there by Monday.
Yeah, you should probably get to it, then.
Would you stop looking so sad?
This is good news.
I guess you're right.
So, this is real, you're- you're really moving?
Yeah Dad, I'm really movin'.
I told you we should never have kicked him out.
Now, we're never gonna see him again.
Relax Mom, I'll be back to visit.
Promise?
Yes, every chance I get.
All right, well give your mom a hug.
Goodbye, Mom.
No, this is not goodbye.
This is, this is see ya later.
All right, see ya later, Mom.
All right, I have to go in
before the neighbors see me cry.
So, tell me more about this friend of yours.
Who, Madison?
Eh, is that the name of the girl
who's uh, dancing to music in your car?
Yeah, that's her.
She's amazing.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Well hey, if it doesn't work out in Seattle,
or if you wanna stick around here
and give it another shot for any reason,
you're welcome to move back in.
Thanks, Dad.
Besides, your mom's driving me crazy without you here.
Give your old man a hug.
I need to go check on your mom.
- Okay - Hm.
Hold on a second.
This is getting, nice really, really Arnie?
Wow.
Well, uh,
I guess this is goodbye.
No goodbyes, only see ya later.
That's funny.
That's what my mom just said.
Your mom sounds like a smart woman.
Yeah.
Well, um, I'll call you when I get there.
Let you know how everything is.
If that's okay with you.
Yeah, I'd-I'd like that.
All right.
Well,
I guess I should be going.
See ya later, Arnie.
Madison.
Yeah?
I'll see ya later.
Later.
I noticed you forgot a signature,
and don't worry, I let a little air out of your ball
to make it more realistic.
Dear Future Employer, what can I say
other than I love to cook, and I mean I really love it.
Put me in the kitchen and I light up like a Christmas tree.
Madison, you're such a dork.
And the food I put on the plate, it's phenomenal.
I promise that if you give me the opportunity
to show you what I can do, I won't let you down.
You did this for me?
What?
Oh no, it's for one of your neighbors.
They should be comin' out any moment.
Smart ass.
Wait, what about the job?
About that, I thought about it,
and do I really wanna live in a place
where the NFL team mascot isn't even a real bird?
You passed up a job because of a mascot.
Well, that and you.
So, does that mean you like me?
Well, I don't know if I'd go as far to say like.
What's between like and loathe?
Would you shut up and kiss me already?
Before we go any further,
I should probably put those candles out.
Yeah, we should definitely do that
before your car catches on fire.
What were you thinking setting up candles
inside of your car anyway?
Oh, I don't know, I thought it was romantic.