This was me. I got better lookin' with age.
That's somethin' you're gonna have to trust me on.
I'm twenty-one here.
Just six months before this I had sex for only the third time in my life.
If you look close, you can still see me smiling.
Danny Morgan, the coolest guy I ever knew.
I idolized this guy for so long.
Every high school in every city had one,
the football star that got all the girls.
Danny was ours and my life was somehow better off...
Just by being his friend.
Tim Reese. Even looking at his image years later,
I'm tempted to whisper because I don't want him to hit me.
He's the kind of guy who would out of nowhere...
Even if he just thought you were thinkin' something bad about him.
What was that for?
I don't know. I'll think of something.
This is the "war wagon,"
the big, blue bomb of a buick that each of us claimed was legally ours,
yet none of us even bothered to register.
To the guys I grew up with, this was an infamous party car,
a legend in its own neighborhood.
The ambassador, the main link over the Detroit river...
Connecting Canada and America.
We crossed over this thing many, many times, Danny, Tim and I.
In high school, we would go to Canadian strip joints...
That would secretly serve minors their house beer.
But this wasn't high school. This was three years later.
And this isn't about just any night.
This is about a night when the ambassador became more than a border,
more than a mere highway over a river,
a night that I'll never forget as long as I live.
These are the tales of the war wagon,
and this is the story of the bridge.
Mort! Wake up! It's almost noon.
I don't work 'til 4:00, ma.
Let's go. Time to get up.
So, where were you last night? Just hangin'.
With Danny and Tim?
Yeah, mom.
How come you don't talk to me?
You used to tell me what you were doin'.
I never told you what I was doin', mom.
That's right. You're just like your father.
The bastard!
So, have you gotten any mail at the store lately?
Mail? No, why?
I applied for a scholarship for you to state.
I gave 'em your home and your work and I haven't heard, so I thought maybe...
are you gonna start with college again?
I told you, I have no interest in going to college, none.
So just drop it, all right?
You're so much like your father.
You shouldn't smoke.
At least buy your own.
Go!
I'm telling you, they're midgets.
For high school guys, they're fast.
They're not fast.
They're tiny. It makes them look fast.
We never looked that little, that's for sure.
These guys are like... what are those little guys on "gulliver's travelling"?
"Gulliver's travels," Tim. And they're called lilliputians.
Yeah, lilliputians stunk.
Lilliputians!
Anyone want to head to the clearing?
- Fuck the clearing. - Screw the clearing, man.
I got a couple of six-packs in the car.
- I kinda miss the clearing. - Clearing sounds great to me.
Let's go.
So, what happened? You, you wash out at eastern?
Just got tired of football.
It wasn't fun anymore, know what I mean?
He quit after two days. Eventually he's gonna go back and finish out the whole week.
Let's hope that's not supposed to be funny, mort.
You gonna be a dick all your life?
What the hell? Still got the war wagon, right?
Yeah, still got the w.W.
Boy, if that car could talk...
he... hey, you guys oughta use it to make some dough.
What do you mean?
You guys go into Canada every now and then, right?
To the strip joints and stuff?
Yeah, so?
Well, the thing is,
If one of you ever wanted to do a run up to Toronto for me...
And bring back some hash across the bridge,
you could make some nice change.
How much?
About nine grand.
It's worth nine grand to you?
Supply and demand.
Yeah, what if you get caught?
You won't get caught. It's easy.
You just hide it in the spare tire.
Besides, it's just hash.
Worse comes to worse, they take it away from you and let you go.
That's good.
If it's so easy to do, how come you don't just do it yourself?
The border guards know me by now.
I've been back and forth thousands of times.
Beats pumpin' gas!
Mull it over.
Besides, nothin' like a little border-hoppin' to get the ol' game juices flowin'.
John?
I-is it a bad sign when smoke's comin' out of your fingernails?
Hey, you're just in time. I need twenty bucks. What are you talkin' about?
Twenty bucks! I bet these three little high school pussy midgets...
I could take them all on at once. Give me the money.
Come on, twenty bucks, man.
- All right. - Yeah!
I want you first, Sonny boy. Come on. Ho, ho, hey, ho, ho!
I'm in for twenty bucks.
- Smart move. - On them.
You're betting on them? Yeah.
Dick!
Hey, they're in good shape. You get up at noon.
It's found money.
That's it, bet's off. Give 'em their money back.
You've seen me take three guys on before. You know I can do it.
Yeah! Maybe.
Wanna get drunk?
Come on, let's fight him, kid.
Come on, man. Give him a fight. This isn't personal.
- Get off that! - Fuck you! Fuck!
You're gettin' hot!
Shit! Piece of shit! Shit!
That's enough! That's enough!
Should we cruise woodward?
Unless you wanna stop and beat someone up along the way, yeah.
You really are a very sick, little puppy.
You know that, Tim? I know I am.
You know I'm sick. Somebody oughta just...
Take me out back, shoot me, and do the whole community a big favor.
Mort! Some friends of yours are here.
Wake up, mort. Let's go, pal. Mud bowl time.
Mud bowl?
I'm tired, guys. Come on!
First time he's been out of the house before noon in a year.
It's mud bowl. I love you boys.
Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl! Mud bowl!
I'm too tired to play football!
You guys'll hurt me. I'm a pussy, remember?
Mud bowl!
My God! It's smilin' Jack Harper, man.
Back from college for mud bowl. Unbelievable!
He's in a suit. The poor fucker's in a suit.
Hey, nice suit, smilin'. What are you, a fed now?
What's the deal, harps? You're not playing?
I got an interview over at g.M., products flow division.
If you were half a man, you'd play. Yeah.
Let me ask you boys a question.
Which do you think is more important?
Smilin' Jack gettin' this job at g.M.?
No!
Or playin' in this here mud bowl!
Don't do it, come on, man.
Don't do it? Come on, Danny. Jesus, I got a meetin'.
Harper has the ball. He's comin' down the field. Leave me alone.
Leave me alone, Tim. He's at the ten!
Then Reese comes out of the blue!
He's at the five! The two!
Reese... Stops him at the one!
Look at this! You look great, Jack.
I got a meeting. Didn't you hear me? No, not really.
- Doesn't that mean anything to you guys? - No, not a thing!
What's the meaning, Jack?
Danny.
Catch.
Get him, Tim! Get him!
Let's play ball!
Yessiree! One hell of a good mud bowl!
So then what'd you do? Did you hit him?
No, I didn't hit him. I just let him finish yellin' at me.
Poor, misguided fool!
You've been there, mort? You actually seen him hit his dad?
Danny has too, right on his front lawn.
Your dad, he looks like Uncle fester in a certain light. Has anyone ever told you that?
Hey, Tim, what, are you deaf?
Don't touch the tools. How many times I gotta say it?
Egghead's touchy about the tools. Speakin' of goofy, rinny,
your older sister, fern, does she brush her teeth?
She smiled at me once and I swear, I couldn't use my dick for like a year.
Hey, trace, how's it goin'? I'm doin' fine. How's your mom?
- She's gettin' by. - Tell her, "hi."
She wants you, Marty. She wants you.
She's a little older than you, but what the hell. It's not like you can afford to be picky.
What are you talking about? Mort likes older women.
Mort likes anyone who'll look at him. It's true.
I once had sex with a 75-year-old woman.
I felt like I was robbing the grave.
- Not funny. - Definitely not funny.
Is that a new one, mort, because it sucks?
It's not a big deal, Tim. It was an ad lib. It was off the cuff.
Yeah? Well how much do you get for a joke like that?
Hey, numbnuts, don't touch the tools!
You want it in English?
Don't... Touch... The... Tools.
A, a beer? You're drinking a beer?
The place is still open, man. You tryin' to get me fired, you waste-of-a-life?
Hey, rinny, just let me get this straight.
Tim should or he shouldn't touch the tools, which one?
I'm not quite clear on this. He can touch the tools and not have a beer,
or he can have a beer but not touch the tools?
Which one? You're not being clear here. You gotta make that point.
Danny's mom,
she died three weeks after we graduated high school.
The head of our football team's booster club,
she hung in just long enough...
To see her son take a state championship.
Danny never said a word to me about his mother.
He never said a word about her to anyone.
These trips here were the closest he ever came to letting me in.
You really want to be a writer?
Are you serious about it? Yeah, I'm serious.
All right.
I'm having dinner tonight with my friend, Manny goldfarb,
the old guy I told you about.
The one that got his thing stuck in a watermelon? No, no.
That guy... forget about him already, will you, please?
Manny goldfarb is the writer, the one who wrote for the "New York times."
He's in town tonight. I'm having dinner with him.
If your highness would care to join us, perhaps, you know,
you could pick his brains.
Thanks, thanks a lot, but I can't.
I'm going out with Danny and Tim tonight.
Danny and Tim!
Danny and Tim.
We're goin' over the border to Canada to a,
a, a strip joint.
Excuse me. Is this important?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
As a writer, you know, I feel that it is important that...
You know, that I live, you know, as much...
as much life as I possibly can.
You know, to seize every moment, to just...
don't tell me.
All the great writers spent hours and hours looking at fat, naked Canadian women...
Before they learned how to write, is that it?
I didn't say hours and hours, Uncle Alby, but...
I bet the really good ones did their share.
Relax.
We're going into Canada to check out the bridge. No big deal.
To see if it's cool to smuggle dope across it. That's a big deal, Danny.
Even if we do this and go all the way to Toronto,
I want to stop at u. Of t. And see Carol, okay?
She dumped you two years ago. Let it go.
I can't let it go, you know that.
I'd love to, okay? I'd love to be like you.
Sneak into some girl's house in the middle of the night and pull wild stuff like that off!
Do yourself a favor and forget about Carol brockton.
Why, because you fucked her?
Why don't you do me a favor and admit it already?
I don't care. It's not a big deal.
I just want to hear you say the words, "I fucked Carol brockton."
Golden, golden! I don't care! "I fucked Carol brockton."
You are driving me crazy. What does it matter if I did fuck this girl anyway?
It was three years before you ever went out with her.
You're an asshole! You did!
Wha... look at you! You did!
I'm not saying I fucked her. I'm saying, if I did, what does it matter?
It matters to me. Because it matters. Why?
You went out with this girl for a month, the month after high school.
Do you think this girl sat around waiting for the month she was going out with you?
I don't think so. You know, this may sound very hard to believe,
but some people didn't have sex during high school.
I know it may come as a big shock to you. Besides you, name one.
And don't say Mary Ellen castilliano, because that would be a very sick joke.
That's what I thought. Could we go in here?
Anyway, I had sex in high school. With who? Where?
This chick at summer camp. Summer camp?
That's real traceable, mort.
Get out!
Get the hell outta here!
You and your damn friends, go on, get out!
You get in back. No way, man. I got shotgun.
Bullshit! Get in back. I don't want to have to hurt you, mort.
No.
I'm not screwing around here, mort.
I'm in no mood. Now hop in the back.
Why should I, Tim? Why should I? Because you value your life.
So hop your scrawny little ass in back!
Get in, Tim.
You waste-of-a-life!
What's the problem, Tim?
My old man.
He's such a jerk.
So what are you gonna do, kick his ass?
Look, I don't feel like talking, okay?
I hate life. That's healthy. That's healthy.
I hate people.
I have no idea why I'm going to Canada.
As far as I'm concerned, you're both just a couple of shitholes,
so just shut up and drive.
You guys go ahead in. I'll be back in a while.
- Park the car here. - Go have some fun. I'll be back in a while.
What? Hey, where are you goin'? What are you doin'?
We might as well go inside as long as we're here.
What a dick!
He leaves me here in the middle of Canada... With you.
Let's go inside, Tim. He'll be back.
What a jerk!
Naked women, Tim.
We've got naked women in there.
You love naked women. We have to go in there to see them.
There... Come on, let's go.
Besides, you might have forgotten,
I happen to be a lot of fun at these places. Yeah, yeah.
I'm serious. Girls at a place like this love a guy like me.
It's four apiece. I keep the crowd happy.
Stay off the stage.
Where the hell did he go?
I'm gonna break his neck. Maybe he got lucky.
Where the fuck were you?
Get in. Where you been?
Just get in.
We'll do a three-way split, three grand each.
What are you talkin' about? Tim, what is he talking about?
Where do you think I went? I made the deal.
You di... you did what?
Are you nuts! Are you outta your mind?
You mean, there are drugs in this car? Yes, mort,
there are drugs in this car, but I think you need to say it just a little louder...
You dick! We're dead! We're dead!
- You should've told us, man. - Would you have done it?
I don't know. That's not the point.
Let's just back up. We'll dump the stuff.
We can't back up, mort. We're blocked in.
Just relax. Act normal.
Act normal. Act nor... we're going to prison!
Act normal!
It's gonna be okay.
Just relax.
License, please, and I need identification from you two.
Stand by, 130.
A 1970 Chevy impala, red.
One male, one female, Caucasian...
you boys get out of the car, please. Turn the engine off.
Can you open up the trunk, please?
Lean up against the hood, please.
Put your hands up against the hood.
Which hood? This hood? That's the one.
I, just, I asked, 'cause I'm nervous.
I'm, I'm nervous 'cause I've never been frisked before,
as opposed to being nervous for something I did wrong.
So, where you boys comin' from?
Jolly Jeff's.
Jolly Jeff's? Did you have a good time?
Great time.
All right, fellas. You can move out.
Dick! Will you take it easy?
We were this close to going to jail! No, we weren't.
So how much money we make?
None.
There was no hash in the trunk, mort.
I was just testing you jerks to see if you could handle the pressure.
- And guess what? - You failed.
Mort, you should have seen your face.
You looked like you were gonna cry.
You know something, Morgan?
If your brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your ass.
Nose, Tim. The joke is, "blow your nose."
He knows what I'm talkin' about.
I can take you home, Tim.
We wouldn't have made it.
The setup was fine.
The only problem was you guys. No.
No, we wouldn't have made it.
These guys had dogs and mirrors.
These border guys are serious.
They never touched the tire. I think we could have made it.
Come on, let's go.
I'm gonna walk. I don't want my old man, if he's up, to hear the w.W.
See ya tomorrow.
Tim. Yeah.
Can I get a hug?
I'll break both your arms.
Hey, are you sure you don't wanna come in,
lay on the floor, listen to records,
talk about chicks? I don't think so.
See ya, mort.
See ya, Tim.
This is Danny's dad, Lou.
He used to be our high school's football coach.
A good guy, just kind of out of it these last few years.
We used to say that Lou spent a lot of time "fixing the porch."
Apparently, that third step he's sitting on is a little higher than the others,
and like a delicate craftsman, Lou is patiently working to get it to come down.
Here comes Lou's girl, faye, to help with the project.
Two of the best porch step resetters in the business.
Watch this, last spring.
Day after day, season after season,
Lou and faye labored on that porch.
You want something done, you do it yourself.
Faye, Lou. Hello, son.
How's the project goin'? Comin' great.
Glad to hear it.
What project's he always talkin' about?
Got no idea.
This is very nice of your Uncle, I want you to know.
This man, Manny goldfarb, is a very important writer.
I know, I know, I know.
Hey, ma, is this gonna go late 'cause I gotta meet up with Danny and Tim?
Not late. He's an older man.
Just be polite, that's all I ask.
For once in your life, try to care about someone else's feelings...
Other than Danny and Tim's.
Here we go.
Mr. goldfarb! Kate?
It's nice to meet you. Come on in.
This was '38, maybe '39.
All the good reporters were overseas.
Well, I had balls if nothing else. Excuse me.
So, I went to see this editor...
A friend of mine told me to look in on.
Kate, could I bother you for more gravy?
So I tell this guy when I went to see him...
That I used to be a correspondent for this Polish newspaper...
That was nonexistent.
Well, I went in looking for a nice, cushy job...
Writing about sausage prices in Manhattan?
Sausage prices?
The next thing I know, I am flying to Poland...
To be a stringer for this daily.
1939, not a very good time for a Jewish boy to be heading into Poland.
Could I have a little more potatoes, Kate?
The point is,
I was a writer. I was making my living...
Doing what I always said I wanted to do when I grew up.
A little more potatoes. There's a lot of gravy here.
Let the potatoes soak up the gravy. That's nice.
So, I did this Russian folk dance my father taught me.
I did it for them in exchange for privileges.
It went...
no, sir.
No, no, no. Come on, Uncle Alby.
It's easy, come on. Now, here.
You guys look very cute.
Come on. No, you make a nice couple, really.
Come on, get your mother into this thing.
Now, yeah. Wait.
Come on, mom.
If I'm doin' it, you're doin' it.
Agh! Too much food.
So...
Why do you want to be a writer?
I don't know.
I just, I just always wanted to write.
Comedy? Yeah. I like to make people laugh, I guess.
Comedy's good.
To make us laugh is a wonderful thing.
Let me ask you again.
Why do you think that you want to be a writer?
You got something important to say?
You wanna save the world?
No. Of course, "no"!
Save the world? Bullshit!
You write for you because it's what you do,
because it makes you feel good,
because you wanna eat, to be loved, to be held in esteem.
You just write for you and eventually...
You'll find out what you're writing for.
Then, maybe, you'll have your reason,
your, cause.
"I am now ready to save the world!"
When I wrote the truth about Hitler, I knew I would lose my job.
But I kept writing. You know why? Because nobody else was!
There were no messages from God. Nothing! Zip!
I was a writer, so I had to write. No talk! Write!
Gee whiz, what th...
hey, Manny, are you all right? I don't know, I...
Alby!
Alby! Mom! Come in here, quick.
- Now! - What? What is it?
Wha...
Manny. Manny. Manny! What is it?
Manny! Manny!
Is he breathing?
Is he... is he...
what'd you do?
What'd you say to him? Wha-what are you guys talking about?
I didn't say anything. Were you being a wise guy?
What did you say to the man? No, he was just...
he was fine. We go upstairs, come back down, he's dead!
That tells me that you said or did something!
You guys are crazy.
I didn't say anything.
He likes me. He doesn't like you.
He's dead. He doesn't like anything anymore.
He, he, he's void of opinion.
He's dead? Please.
He's de...
Yes, operator, give me the, ambulance,
the police, whatever. My...
ambulance! Police!
That man survived the death camps of Nazi Germany...
Only eventually to succumb to an evening... with you!
Yeah, I'll hold on. Mort!
What'd you do to him, mort?
Did you tell him a joke? The guy up and died just like that?
Yeah.
What'd you tell him? Did you tell him one of your ideas?
Is that it? Did you kill him with one of your stories?
Did you do a monologue for him, golden?
That's real cute, guys.
You should have seen the place.
The cops, ambulances! It was a zoo.
Don't tell me. You did the "robbing the grave" joke.
Is that the one that pushed him over?
So, who was this guy, mort?
How'd you know him?
I didn't know him.
He was nobody.
Just a writer.
Alby! Alby, Alby, Alby!
This came for you in the mail.
I'm sorry I'm late, okay. I overslept.
It's okay. You can be late when you don't work at a place anymore.
What do you mean? You're kidding, right?
No, no, no. I'm not kidding.
You're firing me?
I overslept! It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
Well, I was up late. So was I...
Thinkin' about Manny.
Alby, look,
I am sorry about your friend, okay?
I really am.
But, hey, I didn't kill the guy, all right? No one said you killed him.
The fact is,
you're not interested in this typewriter business, and
I don't want you around here anymore.
Uncle Alby, I...
go on, get out of here. I got a business to run.
Alby, come on, I... get out of here.
Hi.
You must be Jack's buddies. You must be Monica. Thanks for inviting us.
I'm Danny. This is mort and Tim.
It's a great house. Thanks. It's my parents'.
Better be.
Danny Morgan!
Smilin' Jack Harper. Congratulations, pal.
General motors junior executive. Not bad, harps.
Guys, these are my old buddies, Danny, Tim and mort.
This is Ollie, elan, Ellen and Chris,
people you'd know if you ever came to Ann arbor to visit.
And Randy you guys know, right?
Yeah, Randall sussman. It's been a long time.
Tim Reese, wearing the same clothes as when I saw you last.
Yeah, y-you were in tights at the time. Weren't you in some play?
Still getting drunk every night and driving around in the war wagon, I'll bet.
It seems to me you used to jump through hoops to get in the war wagon.
I remember you bought us a case of beer just to ride with us.
That's funny, 'cause I seem to remember you offering your sister, Randall.
Hey, Randy, you're still up in school in Toronto, right? Pre law.
What are you doing nowadays?
Didn't I hear you were, pumping gas or something?
Randy, are you still upset that we flushed your head in the toilet...
And gave you that swirlie in the 10th grade?
Your hair's dry now. Give us a break.
Hey, r-Randy, you ever see Carol brockton up there anymore?
As a matter of fact, I see her a lot. She drove down with me.
Carol brockton? She's, she's in town?
- She's in the kitchen. - Sh-sh-she's here?
In this kitchen?
Now?
Well... sure. Excuse me.
Mort. Hi.
Carol! My g...
this is such a surprise! You were like the last person I expected to see here.
This is so funny. What are you doing here? I came up for Jack's party.
How are you? I'm good. I'm good.
Great! Mort, you look...
you look the same.
The same? Is the same good?
No, the same's great.
Can I have a hug?
Excuse me, everybody. Dinner is served.
Are you ready to sit down, honey?
Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
It's really good seeing you, mort.
Hey, mort! Zero in, buddy.
I don't know about campaign work.
I spent my summer busting my hump for some guy and then I didn't even vote for him.
I didn't realize you could get all that with a gold card. I thought it was just for status.
Tell her to bend over. I'll give her some status.
I think the two industries will merge,
especially by the time it makes a difference to anyone our age.
I hope it happens soon.
I want my father to lose his shirt while I'm young enough to appreciate it.
What if he is elected and the student body gets behind him?
He could affect the law department.
Will you look at those two? I want to be around when they're thirty,
drivin' a war wagon!
We have a chance to capitalize on the baby-boomer years.
That's right! What did you do there?
Can I have a drink, please?
How many of you will get to be what you wanted to be as a kid?
What?
How many of you will do for a living what you wanted to do as a child?
It's a simple question. There's a very simple answer.
What's the answer, mort?
The answer, Randall, is probably none of you.
Maybe one or two, but I doubt it.
Don't get me wrong. You're all likely to be very successful,
but I don't think ultimately any of you will see your dreams come true.
Monica, thank you for dinner. It was great.
What was that all about?
See you later. Stay dry! Drive safe.
Danny, thanks for comin'. I really appreciate it.
Thanks a lot. Timmy, thanks, man. Take it easy.
Don't be strangers, all right?
Glad that's over.
High-tech bitch. What a zoo.
Can't believe I made it through the night without kickin' someone's ass.
What about mort?
What the hell got into him?
I don't know. I kinda liked it.
That was the only thing that shut those windbags up the whole night.
No shit! For once in his life,
he was actually pretty cool.
Thanks, Tim.
I was pretty cool, if I do say so myself.
What the hell are you doing back there?
You been out here all night? It was the one hitch.
I forgot I didn't have a ride.
What the hell got into you?
I don't know. Nothing, really.
I thought they were all a bit too smug, you know?
Needed to be brought down a couple pegs.
Next time, wait 'til the end of the night, moron. I know.
Did you see me kiss her, though?
Did you? It was pretty neat?
God, I love her.
For sale.
What the hell is this?
Hey, Lou.
Remember this?
I taught you and your mother to pitch on this thing.
Heh! Got it at K-Mart. Must have cost all of $8.
What's goin' on?
Faye and I are gettin' married, pal.
Hey, hey, look at this.
Your first bicycle.
Lou, you two don't even know each other.
All you do is get drunk every night and sit on the front porch.
Come on, Danny. Don't be sayin' stuff...
That you're just gonna regret up the road.
What's going on with the house, Lou?
What's with the "for sale" sign and the cleaning-up crap?
We're gonna sell the house.
Faye's not comfortable here and then...
We're gonna get an apartment,
somethin' with a nice balcony,
maybe overlookin' a golf course.
You don't think you needed to tell me?
You just put up a sign?
It's my house.
This is my fucking house too!
- Now, settle down. - No! You settle down!
Hey, Danny. Shut up, mort.
Danny, come on? I just...
stay away from me, Lou!
This is my fucking house!
Anyone want a beer?
Fuck you, faye.
Come on, mort. Let's go.
You know, I'm really surprised that you'd sell the house, Lou,
especially after all the hard work you did on the front porch.
Okay, then gilligan says to the Professor, right,
"hey, Professor, have you seen Mrs. howell?"
And the Professor says to gilligan...
"she's in the hut washing her tits, gilligan. Why don't you beat it?"
The Professor now says to gilligan,
"I'm sorry to tell you this, gilligan,
but Mrs. howell is dead."
Commercial, right?
So we come back from the commercial, right? Gilligan's still stunned.
He doesn't know what's going on. Mort,
Mrs. howell is dead.
I thought this was supposed to be a comedy.
It is, Danny. I told you, it's a nightmare sequence.
Gilligan is having a nightmare that everyone on the island dies but him.
Hey, mort, I don't want to rain on your parade,
but they don't make "gilligan's island" anymore.
I don't wanna rain on your parade either,
but I know that, okay?
I just happen to be writing what is known as a sample script...
To send to the TV guys to show how I write.
I happen to know what I'm doing. Hey, mort.
Anyone ever tell you you kinda look like gilligan?
I think we should make the border run.
Anderson made us an offer and I think we should take it.
It's a good run and I wanna make it.
What's the problem, Tim? Nothin'.
You always say...
That you want to do something, Tim, don't you?
Well, here's something to do,
something different.
Mort?
Fuck you, mort.
You in or not, Tim? Yes or no. I want an answer right now.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm in. Good.
Fine. Last chance, mort.
Good, mort.
You stay here.
More money for me and Tim.
Besides, maybe when I'm up there I'll pay a little visit to your friend, Carol brockton.
Give her a little hand with her homework.
Good.
We'll go tomorrow.
A tie? You're wearing a tie to a border run?
I told you I'm gonna stop and see Carol, Danny.
And I thought I was troubled.
Come on, Tim. Get in back. I got shotgun. I called it last night.
Get in back.
Come on, Tim. I got a tie on. Get in back!
Tim, look. Look at me, okay?
Look at me. Now look at you.
Okay, get in back.
Get in, mort.
Now, muhammad was the first...
Historically-effective reformer amongst the arabs...
And proclaimed his teachings to be...
An intimate concern to all.
Rejecting the polytheistic notion of religion,
muhammad would retire to the caverns in the mountains near mecca.
There he felt the call of God...
Bidding him to go amongst his people.
It was in these visions that he gained the drive to warn and exhort his people.
Hey, mort. There she is.
No shit.
Well, get her attention. We don't have all semester.
Would you shut up? Shut up.
Muhammad was not solely ad... Brockton!
Shut up.
Adherence to the traditions...
Was not solely... Carol brockton.
- Adherence to the traditions... - Turn around.
Was not solely an act of...
Danny, will you shut him up? You, sir!
Me? Yes, you.
Why don't you stand up and tell everyone what the five pillars of islam are?
There are five pillars to the five pillars of islam, ma'am.
Yes, that much we know.
But what are they exactly?
Exactly?
Okay.
One is that there is no God but Allah.
Go on.
The second one is that they pray...
Five times a day.
Third?
Third is that they have to give some of their income to charity.
I believe, now correct me if I'm wrong, ma'am, they call it almsgiving.
Four, the fast of ramadan.
And the last one, but certainly not the least one,
is that once in a Muslim's life, he's got to make a pilgrimage to mecca.
Thank you, sir.
I see some of us have done the readings.
Adherence to the traditions of the prophet muhammad...
how the hell did he know that?
Just stuff you pick up watching a lot of "jeopardy."
You guys just hang on a second, okay?
Wow, so this is where you live?
Yep, that's my window right there next to the statue.
Wow, it's nice.
So, now, tell me what it is you guys are doing up here again?
You're delivering some art?
Yeah, we're pickin' up some real rare art.
Look, Carol,
what I wanted to tell you the other night is,
I'm not gonna bother you anymore.
Mort, you don't bother me. You never did.
Well, I'm not gonna write you any more letters either.
We'll just be friends, okay?
I mean, look, you got a life.
You got a boyfriend. I kinda got a life.
Let's just leave it at that.
God, I just wish you didn't smell so damn good.
Got 'im! Let's go!
What are you guys doin'? Put me down, you fucking dickheads!
Bye, Carol. Good seeing you!
Let's just see how much is in here.
Put it back, Tim. What the hell.
I just want to see how much Anderson's ripping us off. What do you care?
We made a deal for nine grand. Now put it back.
I just want to look at it.
Come on, Tim, they're gonna know it was picked open. You're just lookin' for trouble.
Take the case, mort.
Pull over, Danny. I wanna kick mort's ass.
Yeah, right.
What would you do, mort, if you ever had to get in a fight...
Without one of us to back you up?
Write 'em an episode of "gilligan's island"?
Why don't you just turn around and leave him alone, Tim?
Just leave him alone.
Dick.
Forget about her, mort. She dumped you!
Come on, Danny. We got the time to kill. I'm just asking you for a favor.
He wants to go see brockton again.
Poor little fucker.
You guys, I have to, okay? I mean it. You guys made an ass of me back there.
I have to go back, okay? This is a must.
I won't take no for an answer. I cannot take no for an answer.
The answer's no, mort.
Please?
This is great. We're gonna be late for our 1st big drug deal.
I hope he falls and breaks his ass.
You can't break an ass, Tim. Start thinking about some of the things you say, please.
I think about things. You can break an ass.
Mort?
What's going on? Carol!
I was just gonna come up... get out, mort.
Carol, it's not what you think... I don't care. Get out.
I just have something to say and then I'll leave.
Look, that thing that we had two summers ago,
I never really got over you.
That's why I wrote you all those stupid letters.
And then seeing you again last week,
I just thought maybe there could be something between us again.
I've fought it, Carol, believe me, I really have.
But I'm really still in love with you.
I'm scared I'm always gonna be too.
Other than me,
you're the only other person I know our age who likes Tony Bennett.
Tony Bennett's kids don't even like Tony Bennett.
I do.
But...
Don't you have to go somewhere to be a writer, though?
I mean like, these guys,
they live in... California.
Like the guys who write "rhoda," for instance...
where do they live? "Rhoda"?
Yeah. God.
"Rhoda" I don't know about, Carol. Other shows I know a lot about.
But, "rhoda," I'm drawing blanks. I don't know.
Mort, I'm serious. I don't know.
Maybe California, maybe New York.
I guess most of the stuff's probably written in L.A.
Not written in Michigan, that's for sure.
God. You smell so good.
It's okay.
Thank you.
Go be a writer.
Okay, Tim, you take in the case.
Mort, just keep your eyes open and look like you know what you're doing, okay?
Let's go.
Well, what do we have here?
- Nice little college boys. - You wish.
Big tough college boy with his big tough college jacket.
Yeah, look. One of 'em even wore a tie.
Go get somethin' on. Look at you.
We have company here.
Which one's, Danny?
That's me.
Put it here.
Hey, free, wasn't this fuck-up supposed to come alone?
- He was. - The hell he was.
Our little boy, John, came through, didn't he, Carlyle? Right on!
You see, you give someone the opportunity to step up to the plate,
he hits a home run.
Must be a lot of hash in that tire.
Hell of a lot of hash.
It is hash, right?
The stuff is over there. Put it in your trunk...
And take off.
We're not taking anything until you tell us what it is.
What did he tell ya? Did he tell ya it was hash?
If he told you it was hash, it was hash.
Nice tie. Thank you.
- It's heroin, isn't it? - Heroin?
It's heroin?
You freaks of nature are outta your minds if you think we're dealing heroin for ya.
That is not the deal that we made.
What was the deal?
Let's cut the bullshit, okay?
I'm just saying that is not the deal we made with John.
That is between you... And John.
Whatever the deal was, it's off. Let's get outta here.
Hey, that's my money you're playing with, man. Set it down!
I'm not playing with it. We're leaving.
- You heard him, asshole! - Get off me, man!
- Yo! - That's it! Party's over.
I'll blow your fuckin' head off.
What the fuck is the matter with you? You think this is a fuckin' game?
Is that what you think? Is that what you think!
I think you need to go brush your teeth.
Stupid man!
Put the tire in their car.
The rest of you, bring these punks and follow me.
This is great, Tim. I'm glad you know when to play it cool.
Move it!
Fuckin' midget.
You stupid-ass little kid, man. What the hell are you thinkin'?
No one heard that, man. There's no one around for Miles.
And when it goes in the back of your head, it's even quieter.
You get my point? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, look, we all know he's a hothead, okay?
You lookin' for trouble too?
No.
Take off your shoe.
What? Take off your shoe, man. I don't got all night.
You're really fuckin' outta your mind.
What are you doin'?
Take off your shoe while you still got a right hand to do it with.
Take your shoe off.
I'm gonna teach you a lesson. Now the sock.
Sock? Yeah.
You're leaving a toe out here tonight, my friend.
My toe? Take it off! Take it off!
- You got it, man. - Wait a minute. Just wait.
- You wanna lose a toe too? - No!
Shut your mouth and step back.
I agree that he needs to be taught a lesson.
But this isn't it.
I know this guy a long time.
You shoot his toe off? He'll heal and use it as a trophy.
You're aimin' too high. What he needs... Is a good ass kickin'.
Hey, I'll decide what he needs, okay?
I'm just trying to help.
You just beat his ass... Real good.
That's what he'll understand. That's what he needs.
Okay. I'll kick his ass.
Hey! Come on! That's enough!
How's that, college boy?
- Goddamn piece of shit. - I think he needs a little more.
Mort, what the fuck? Just shut up!
Yeah, I think you're right.
Hey, man, enough.
Is their car loaded up? Yeah.
Get his ass up and get in the car...
And don't ever, ever come back.
Tim!
Shit!
Come on, hey! Come on, Tim, come on.
Let's get the fuck outta here.
You're gonna be okay.
No, John! That wasn't the deal!
Maybe if you didn't toke so much dope you'd remember.
You never said a goddamn thing about heroin!
That's right!
My face is killin' me.
I can't believe a hippie did this to me. No way! No way!
You saved my ass.
No, actually I saved your toe.
Figured at least a beating wasn't permanent.
What'd Anderson say?
He says he's sorry about the mix-up.
Dick.
He also says that he'll give us ten grand apiece if we bring that tire back.
Danny, you're talking about smuggling heroin across the U.S. border.
You get 50 years for that!
I realize that, mort, but I'm also talkin' about...
$10,000 apiece.
Do you understand? That's a lot of money.
You backin' out on me?
Good.
Let's go.
Mort, you want the front?
No, you go on.
No, go ahead. You take the front.
Tim, I don't want the front, okay? You take it.
Go ahead, mort. I'm givin' it to you. Take the front.
Will you two just get in?
Danny, stop the car.
Gotta get out.
What's wrong?
It's this jacket.
I don't want it anymore.
Feels like I can hardly breath.
I just don't want this anymore.
Feel better?
Yeah.
Can we go?
Let's go.
Hey! You jerk!
This is your jacket. That was my jacket you just threw away.
Okay.
Danny, I'm not doin' it.
What?
I'm not doin' it. Not doin' it.
You're just gettin' cold feet. You're fine.
I'm walkin' across.
You're not goin' anywhere, Reese.
Let go.
Just relax.
Danny!
Let go.
I can't do this.
Damn it!
I'm not afraid of gettin' caught.
I'm afraid of gettin' through.
I'm gonna get killed. Can't you see that?
I'll come back and do it again.
You and mort'll go laugh it off.
And I'll end up like those sick fuckers back there in that farmhouse.
I'm sorry, mort.
Danny, let's not do this.
Come on, let's just get out too.
You want out, you go.
I'm doin' it.
Hey, it's just not worth it. Let's just leave the car.
It's not registered to any of us. We could just walk away.
Shut up, mort.
You know what your problem is?
Why are you so good at telling people what their problems are?
Get out.
Before you get me busted.
Okay, I'll get out.
Registration number one, seven...
I don't know why you came back. Just get out.
Look, man,
I mean, as far as I'm concerned,
you're a fuckin' legend.
I mean, you have been a legend for as long as I can remember.
Ever since we were kids everybody wanted to be you.
I wanted to be you.
Just don't do this, Danny. Please, don't do this.
Get the fuck out.
Fine.
Give me a break.
Will you make up your goddamn mind?
If you insist on goin' through, then I have to go through with you.
I don't have a choice. Yes, you do.
No, I don't.
If you do it, I do it. And it pisses me off.
Four-door...
Citizenship?
American.
Search of vehicle in progress.
Let me see your license.
How long have you been in Canada?
Just overnight.
Report, one-eleven.
Okay, you can go through.
I think this belongs to you.
I got no use for it.
Let's go.
Hey, Tim.
Yeah?
Can I get a hug?
Hey, what, what are you doin'?
I'm kidding.
It's a joke, moron.
I'll break both your arms.
Think I actually want to hug you?
No one knows for sure whatever happened to the war wagon.
Someone somewhere said it was junked and sold for scrap metal.
I have no way of knowing if it's true.
I just know it has a nice ring to it...
As if this here were its final ride.
You gettin' in?
No, I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
You did real good, mort.
Yeah? Yeah.
You did really good.
Thanks.
See ya later.
Danny and Tim are both doing fine.
I don't see them much anymore. Once in a while we'll talk on the phone.
Once in a blue moon I'll make it home for a mud bowl,
but not often.
It's kinda sad, but it's the way things are.
Friendship has a way of slowly fading.
No matter how good it is, it always just seems to have its time.
At the crack of dawn I was by myself,
my mind clearer than it had ever been before.
The one good thing about almost committing a major felony is that it allows you...
To come face to face with who it is you really are.
Six months later I was a full-time college student.
It had been a long night.
I was tired, I was cold and I was spent.
I did what anyone would have done in my shoes.
I headed straight home and I had my mother make me breakfast.