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- And in today's news, Private Chris Presley
left Fort Worth, Texas, for Bremerhaven, Germany,
for an 18 month tour of duty.
Thousands of American teenage girls are left heartbroken.
- I'd been eyeballing this evidence
for hours.
I was close to cracking the case wide open.
What did it all mean?
I was going to make that sucker sing,
but the case had other plans for me.
My body became cold.
Cold as a hoochie-coocher's heart.
I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth.
Real bad.
I needed a decent smoke, a stiff drink,
and a lady to lay with.
Not necessarily in that order.
And some pudding.
I was hungry as a hippo.
Fiddlesticks!
I was empty as a broad's head.
Something deep down in my bones was tingling.
I couldn't put my finger on it, due to the intense tingling,
but something was different.
- The stocks are up and they're down.
- Who's my little Fifi?
- I've got more questions
than not questions.
Why do all these people have their heads in the cement?
Good thing my profession is questions.
- My goodness, they froze the kids.
No.
These newspapers are defective.
- I had found myself in one nasty pickle.
Another piece of the puzzle.
I'd been put on ice for 69 years, but why?
The big cheese knew I was sniffing around his dirty laundry.
They tried to put me on ice.
Too bad for them I don't like ice, or laundry, or cheese.
I needed to retrace my steps from the beginning of time,
but I didn't have that long.
What I did have time for, though, was a smoke.
- Come on, just sell me one vape.
Like I said, it's for my dad.
- No way, kid, I'm not falling
for that fib.
- Being frozen for 69 years
sure made me one stiff dick.
- You need some help there, bro?
- The name's Dick, and I'm all right.
- See, I told you, this is my dad, it's for him.
- I'm here for info.
Short for information in my business.
- Not a problem, man.
So what kind of smoke you looking for?
- 69 years later and this place
is still a smoke shop.
I'm as lucky as a fishing rod, reel.
- He's looking for cotton candy.
- Yeah, and some popcorn and peanuts while you're at it.
What kind of circus you running here?
- This really your kid, man?
- Yeah, yeah.
Give him his cotton candy, I'll take a pack of Luckys.
- Lucky, Lucky what?
This is a vape retailer.
Vape and vape accessories only, buddy.
- How can you not sell cigarettes in a smoke shop
and have any self respect when you look in the mirror?
- Come on, Dad.
Let's go home now.
- And that's how I got out of my second war.
- Whatever, mister.
Why'd you help me out back there?
- Needed some info, short for information in my business.
- I've heard.
- You seem quick to what's happening
in this crime-ridden town.
I could use somebody like you, kid.
What's your name?
- Name's Kid.
- I knew it.
- And you are?
- Detective Dick, P.I.E.
- What's that one short for?
- What, the P.I.E.?
You know, apple, peach, huckleberry.
Little industry humor for you there, Kid, that one's free.
Private investigator extraordinaire, that's me.
- Okay then, Detective Dick,
what's this so-called info you're looking for?
I know all the secrets in this town.
If you need it, I can get it, for a price.
- Seems I've been frozen for 69 years
and woke up in the future, your present.
- You hiding from someone?
- The exact opposite, Kid, I'm searching.
Searching for the big cheese.
- You know, I'm not cheap.
- We solve this case, you'll be as rich
as a triple layer chocolate cake.
Real rich.
- All right, Dick, I'm in.
So you were working on the case of a missing woman,
you tracked the bad guy to this company,
but then the paper trail died?
- It's as if the scoundrel disappeared
right off the face of the earth.
- You're right, I can't see him at all.
- Oh.
- So this is the guy you're after?
- That's what the clues point to.
I was on his tail, he knew I was nibbling
through the meat of the case,
he must've gotten scared and tried to bump me off.
- But why freeze you, why send you to this time?
- It's hotter than a dame in a skirt in here, Kid.
Real hot.
- Yeah, I don't know what that means, but I'm sweating.
- Perp that tried to freeze me wanted to freeze me for good,
no coming back.
They didn't count on a faulty air-conditioning system
in the middle of summer to thaw me out.
- You are in some deep shit, Dick.
- Don't curse, Kid, that'll rot your teeth out.
Instead, say ca-ca, or splashers, or big ole stooly,
water log, little scuba divers, load of dung, doo-doo.
Doo-doo.
Doo-doo, that's it, Doo-Doo Magoo.
That's his name, Doo-Doo Magoo.
The perp is Doo-Doo Magoo.
It's a goon I was tracking in relation
to the missing woman case, this is the man I need.
- Okay, cool, let's give him a Google.
- A giggle?
- Oh yeah, you're an old guy.
We need to get you one of these.
- What is that, a black box?
- It's a mobile phone.
- Mobile, like a payphone?
That's indispensable to a detective such as myself.
I think I'm going to need one of those.
- That's fine, but it also does a lot of other cool stuff.
You can go on a thing called the internet.
- Who's the internet?
- It's not a who, it's a what.
Dang, I got a text from my mom.
I got to be home in an hour,
she'll freak if I'm not home in time.
- All right Kid, run home to your ma.
I'm going to go dig into this Doo-Doo.
- You don't even know where to look.
You'll probably end up getting run over
by a car or something.
- As long as cars still top out at 40 mph, I'll be fine.
- Before I go home, we seriously need to bring you
into the new age.
Let's go.
All right, that's her.
- That innocent-looking little girl?
- Innocent?
Darcie's two steps away from running this playground.
- She doesn't look that tough to me.
- Play it cool, Dick, and let me do the talking.
None of that freezing Doo-Doo talk here, got it?
- What are you, keen on this girl?
- Keen, what?
I'm here to help you.
- Okay, I get it, all right.
- Stop it.
Remember, cool.
What's going on, Darcie?
- Give us the information.
- Dick!
- You're telling me, who is this dick?
- It's Mr. Dick to you, young lady.
- Is this a joke?
- Sorry, he's with me.
- Taking in charity work, I see.
- Only charity we're dishing out are knuckle sandwiches,
and you're first in the bread line.
- Get out. - Wait!
Listen, I need to hook him up with two lemonades
and a double lemon raisin cookie.
- Food from 70 years ago sounds better than that.
- Two lemonades and a double lemon raisin cookie
with fufu berries on top, please.
- These cookies look worse than they sound.
- That's because they're phones.
- They're clean.
Unlocked, untraceable, serial number filed off.
No way these make it back to you.
Unless you're sloppy.
- Hello.
- Oh, well hello.
How are you?
- Excellent.
- What is your name?
- My name is Nancy, but you knew that already.
- No, no, I didn't know that.
- Okay, maybe not.
- I'll give you a minute.
- Nancy, I have a question for you.
Do you like baseball?
- I need a favor.
- Nice to see you again too.
- There's something rank about this guy.
- I agree, you sure he's not a cop?
- No, he's too smart to be an actual cop.
- What do you need?
- Just the phone.
- It's never just the phone.
- He's worth something.
I feel it deep down in my bones.
Same deal as usual?
- You're lucky I like you, Kid.
Found something you like?
- I would like this dear woman Nancy to be mine.
- Top notch selection, man.
- So how do we settle up?
- Kid's got you.
- Swell.
Nance, you there?
- I'm sorry, I was just tidying up.
- Yeah, no problem, doll.
Let's get down to business, all right?
What is the internet?
- Okay, here is what I found.
- Shut up, Nance, that's way too many words for me.
I like your speed, though.
Find me Doo-Doo Magoo.
- Okay, here is what I found.
- Put your finger on the screen
and flick your finger to move it around.
- Don't talk dirty to me, Kid, we've been over that.
- Just tap on the things to make it open, it's easy.
- I'm a detective.
I would've figured it out.
- So the guy has a Twitter?
He's what, like 90 years old?
How's he even know how to use a Twitter?
- What is that, a bird?
- No, it's a social website.
It's honestly too much to even bother explaining to you.
Look, I really need to head home now,
do you want to come with me?
- Is there going to be grub?
I could really use a home-cooked meal.
- Yeah, probably, it is dinnertime.
- Nancy, you want to go to dinner with me?
- No.
- You sure this is a sport, Guy?
Looks like an awful lot of touch-them-up,
if you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
Like I said, it's mixed martial arts.
- So when's dinner, Dad?
Mr. Dick and I have a lot of work to do.
- We'll eat whenever your mother says it's ready.
You'll have plenty of time for your tutoring later.
You better be worth the price, Dick.
- I'd felt this stare before.
Stare of a man that doesn't quite trust me.
I take my time tutoring my students, Guy.
It's my code.
- Dinner's ready, guys.
You too, Guy.
- Any apps, I'd love apps.
- You don't even know what that means.
- If there's one thing I miss from back home,
it's the appetizers.
Crab dip, spinach dip, onion dip, I like my dips.
- That sounds disgusting.
- Watch your mouth, Kid.
- He just doesn't know.
Back in my day, the only problem with appetizers
was that you couldn't finish them before they all went bad,
you know what I mean?
- And what day is that, Mr. Dick?
- You'll have to excuse my husband, he can be so nosy.
- That's all right, Ms. Lady,
I've never condemned a man for having a nose.
- Anyway, thanks for fixing up the meal, Lady.
- Yeah, thank you for inviting me into your home
with your beautiful family,
this wonderful meal you prepared.
- It's no problem at all, I love company.
Would you like to lead us in prayer, Dick?
- Yeah, of course, sure, let's hold hands.
So good friends, good meat, good God, let's eat.
- So what do you do when no one is looking, Mr. Dick?
- You know, murder mysteries, damsels in distress.
- Are those video games?
Kid always has his head in his play box.
- No, it's no game, Ms. Lady.
I'm hunting the big freezer, the one that--
- Hunting, huh?
Sounds like you're a real straight shooter, Mr. Dick.
- I never miss a shot, Guy.
- FPS, first person shooter.
- There's never a second shooter
if the first one hits, right?
- Maybe you can teach Kid here a thing or two
about staying on the straight and narrow.
- You can count on me to crack that case.
- Hey, shouldn't we get to studying?
- Yeah, he's right, the case is still at hand.
- Mom, can I be excused?
- Of course, Kid.
Work hard on your studies now.
- Okay, so we need to check this Twitter page again.
Guy definitely likes weird Twitter,
there's no way he's a crusty old man.
He's got to be a young guy.
- Peacocks, cockatoos, how do weird birds make him young?
- No, I just mean he likes making weird jokes.
A guy that was alive in 1946 is either dead or old as crap.
He's not making jokes on Twitter, especially weird ones.
- So there's another Magoo.
A weird one, apparently.
A relative or a son, perhaps.
- More likely a great grandson.
He's definitely young.
- As I suspected.
Nancy, giggle me the great grandson of Doo-Doo Magoo.
- Okay, take a look at what I found.
- Ain't she the smartest dame?
- She's just a chatter bot.
- Women love to talk, but this one's got a great rack.
- She doesn't have a rack, Dick,
and all she did was bring us back to the Twitter page again.
Give me that.
Let's get the app on your phone.
We'll create you an account and we'll try to DM the guy.
- What?
A bowel movement?
- No, DM, not BM.
It's just to message someone.
I'm not allowed to use Twitter,
my dad says it's full of liberals,
so we'll have to create you an account.
- Of course, I never trusted that farm boy Truman.
- So what do you want your username to be?
- Who's going to use my name?
- I just need an alias.
- Dick, P.I.E.
- At dickpie, that name's already taken.
- What scoundrel is using my name?
- No, just the handle.
- I'll handle him.
- It doesn't matter, I'll try something else.
At dickpie69.
At detectivedick.
At dickgumshoe.
It worked, you're officially realbaddick.
- I like it, I am bad.
Real bad.
- Yeah, I know.
Hello, I'm an old friend of your grandfather.
Can you tell me where his house is?
I've been trying to find him for some time.
We were old buddies.
Thank you.
Okay, now we wait to see if he takes the bait.
- Seafood is stupid.
So are bad guys.
- Should probably get going.
My mom will get suspicious if I'm up studying too late.
So keep checking your Twitter to see if he responds.
I'll text you tomorrow.
- Good work today, Kid.
I got my nose in the butt of the scoundrel
that farted all over this case.
- Yep, mm-hm, that was definitely the weirdest thing
I've heard you say all day.
- Yeah, well.
Nancy, do you know my name?
- I don't know who you are, but you can tell me.
- This operator was playing hard to get.
Maybe I should take this dame for a night on the town,
show her a good time, and give her a tumble
under the sheets.
Call me Dick, Detective Dick.
- Okay, I will call you Dick, Detective Dick.
- All right, well do me a favor, doll.
Open up the Twitter appetizer.
- Okay, Dick, Detective Dick.
- I came across a note
that said there should be no penalties in football.
No replays, no ball, just shove each other for 60 minutes.
Winner is determined by fan vote.
The future was seeming stranger by the minute.
Bingo, he'd fallen for the trap like a blonde falls
for a hot dick such as myself.
Easily, and hard.
I ride to the street of walls
to find out they were selling the yard.
And once they found a buyer for the roof,
there wouldn't be anything left of this place.
I messaged one Doo-Doo Magoo with an appetizer last night.
I was told to meet at this address.
- Yeah, that's me.
You're here for Pop-Pop's stuff, right?
- Yeah, that's right, you can call me Dick, Detective Dick.
- You can call me Magoo, Doo-Doo Magoo.
- Oh, all right, my pleasure.
- His stuff's right over there.
- Oh yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
I had found a business card
for a company called Tomorrow's Future Today.
Fishy, and I hate fish.
I realized that whoever this Vick chump was,
he must've hired Magoo way back when.
Hired him to take me out.
Not out for some expensive dinner,
I mean out in the killing sense.
June 10th, 1946.
There's been a fellow snooping around lately,
some nobody P.I. by the name of Richard D. Dick.
Vick told me there's a pot of gold waiting for me
if I bump him off.
I had managed to piece together a large part of the pie.
Magoo was the guy that put me on ice.
Nancy, get me Kid on the line.
- Calling Kid.
- Hey Detective, what's up?
- I don't know, the sky,
that big hunk of rock and fire we call the sun?
What's this nonsense?
I didn't call you to talk about the weather, Kid,
I got a viable clue.
How quickly can you be at my office?
- Actually, I'm already here.
- Ah, quick thinking, Kid, stay on your toes.
- Oh, did you find anything interesting?
- Yeah, I found a great clue.
- Hey, wait!
Yo!
You got to pay for that!
- Someone's been digging around.
You're quick.
- Yeah, didn't trip up once.
Hey Kid, I got something good here.
- Yeah, me too, what'd you find?
- I got these two top notch clues
from Doo-Doo Magoo's place.
Unfortunately, he's dead.
- Kind of figured, he's a dinosaur.
- Wait, what, dinosaurs are back?
- I bet this Vick person has something to do
with that missing woman's case.
He probably knew some shady stuff that was going on
with whatever that business is.
So they got rid of him.
And they tried getting rid of you, too,
when you were snooping around.
- Yeah, like I said.
- Yeah, of course you did.
So our next step is to find that Vick Vickerson dude
and to figure out what that business card is for.
- Sounds like a job for my new girlfriend.
- You?
You have a girlfriend?
- Yeah.
Her name is Nancy.
Say hello, Nancy.
- Hello.
- I've told you before, Dick, that's just a chatter bot.
It's not a person.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey,
if you don't have anything nice to say,
then don't say anything at all.
Nancy, giggle me a place called Tomorrow's Future Today.
- Okay, here is what I found.
- Here, let me do it.
It's coming up pretty dead, too.
- Yeah, as dead as big daddy Vick Vickerson's going to be.
Nancy, giggle me the name Vick Vickerson.
- Okay Dick, Detective Dick.
- Cool, the guy has a unique name, popped right up.
Dude doesn't have any photos, what a loser.
Says he was born in 1985, so he's 30.
Dude doesn't have any photos,
but obviously doesn't care about his privacy.
He checked into his location 30 minutes ago,
he's probably still there.
- Which hotel did he check into?
- No, he checked into his location online.
He put a map to his location.
- Well, let's make like a map and check in.
- Let's go find the poker room.
- You fools ready to read them and weep?
- No way, Vick, not this time, bro.
- Yeah, I know I've got you beat.
- All right, let's see how the river flows.
Pair of threes.
- Man, you win again, Vick.
You're the real MVP.
- Yeah, totally big card shark.
- It's only natural that I'd win, it's a game of skill.
- So Vick, you going to tell us what we're doing here?
What's this?
- It's a revolution, the one that has catapulted humans
into the new world.
The dawn bringers of a new age.
Tomorrow's future today.
- And what does this revolution do?
- Apps, my friend, apps for the betterment of mankind.
- I've never made apps before.
- Oh no, you won't be the brains, you'll be the brawn.
I'm Chief of Security, I've known you fellas
for a while now, and I think you nameless bros
would be a great fit for the company.
All you have to do is sign on the dotted line.
- This line looks pretty solid to me.
- Who the hell are you?
- Detective Richard D. Dick.
You can call me your worst nightmare.
- Leave us.
Come, sit.
So you're Detective Dick.
- You know me after all.
- Who's the kid?
I'm the brains of this operation,
I've got some questions for you.
- Oh, tough kid you got there, Dicky.
He can't possibly be yours.
- Cut the crap, Vick,
it's time we get to the heart of this artichoke.
- If you want anything out of me, you'll have to beat me.
- Beat you at what?
- War.
- I'm not one for violence against women.
- You mean like the card game?
- Exactly.
- Hey what's, I don't know what this card game is,
what's she talking about?
- War is easy, Dick.
You split the deck into two.
Each of you keep your deck face down.
You and your opponent will flip the top card
in your deck face up.
Whoever has the higher card number wins.
- Not off to a good start there, Dicky.
- When you win, you get to keep your card
and your opponent's card.
Whoever gets all the cards wins.
- Think you got what it takes to beat me?
- I'm going to beat you like a hobo beats a hangover,
sheer determination and perseverance.
- You're on.
- It's a war.
- Let's put this all on the line here, Dicky.
Whoever wins this wins it all.
- Kid, what do I do now?
- You'll flip one more card at the same time,
but this one goes face up.
Whichever is the highest wins.
- And you can't possibly win this one.
- Give us a count, kid.
- One.
Two.
Three.
- Woo!
Success.
- Ridiculous, I never lose.
I'm the MVP.
- Yeah, well I took you out, Vick.
- Now give us the info.
That one's short for information.
- Okay, I'm an honorable gambler.
What do you want to know?
- Back in the '40s, you hired a Doo-Doo Magoo
to bump me off, did you not?
- I did.
- Yes!
- And you're still young because you froze yourself,
preserving your body for 40 years.
- She did?
- I did.
Smart kid you got there, Dick.
Well you're not the only one like you, you know?
People have been on ice for years.
You're just one of the originals.
- Why do you still look so young?
- The icing process keeps your body looking nice and fresh.
It's an ice perk.
- Tell me why you froze me for 69 years.
- I don't know, Dicky.
I just work security, I do what I'm told.
- So what can you tell us?
- Find this guy.
He goes by the name George.
- Your cooperation is appreciated, Vick,
and we bid you a good day.
Kid and I had made our way
to what appears to be a restaurant.
We needed to review the case.
I was going to need coffee.
- Think that was way too easy, Dick.
- Nonsense, my keen detective skills
led us right to the answer,
and the answer's another question.
Who's George?
- Come on, there's no way, that doesn't add up.
I bet this George dude is just a dead end.
- Well let's not worry about that now.
- There's another question that doesn't add up.
- What Kid didn't know is that I hate math.
- When I went to your office, I noticed three fishy things.
- The only thing I hated more than math
was fish.
- One, I noticed some evidence was missing from your board.
Two, your desk was all cleaned up, and three, I found this.
- The janitor came to tidy up,
that doesn't ring fishy in my ears.
- Okay, I can understand the janitor cleaning up your desk,
but why steal evidence from us?
That doesn't add up.
- The kid wouldn't shut up about math.
Go on with your theory, all right, the one about the woman.
You say anything more about fish or math,
I'm going to give you five across the eye.
- Yeah, okay.
So originally, you got yourself into this mess
because you were hired to solve a missing persons case.
The disappearance of a woman.
What was her name?
- Jan.
Never got her last name.
- Right, so she probably had an in with this business thing
called Tomorrow's Future Today.
Vick got rid of her, then shortly after,
she froze herself so that she could come to the future.
- That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard, Kid.
But go on.
- They have a goal, and I think I know what it is,
and I think our missing woman Jan does, too.
I tried googling the names, and I came across this app.
The app claims it can read people's minds.
- This case is as dirty as a blonde's behind.
Dirty, real dirty.
- Crap, it's getting late, I got to get home.
- Well I'm on top of this case, you head on home.
I'm going to go pay this George fella a little visit.
- Okay, text me if you get into any trouble.
- The kid was smart,
he had a lot of questions.
Had some sort of fetish for math and fish,
but he'd grow out of it.
Who were all these people?
What did it all mean?
And why did the appetizer cost 12 smackaroos?
- Hands low, thumbs down, feet shoulder-width apart.
Breathe in, wiggle the hips, be the ball.
Visualize it in the hole.
Breathe out, stroke the ball home.
Pulled the ball!
- So you like balls, do you, George?
- Hey, what's the big idea, sneaking up on me like that?
It's not nice.
- There's no room for nice guys in my line of work.
- Yeah, what line of work would that be?
- I'm a private investigator extraordinaire.
Name's Dick, Detective Dick.
- All right Dick, what's your beef,
coming out here and scaring me like that?
- I'm no meat man, I'm just a man looking for info,
short for information.
What can you tell me about this?
- UV coating, 128 point font, Times New Roman.
Looks like you had a run-in with Vicky.
- Yeah, I beat her fair and square,
now I'm here for my reward.
- Don't know why she'd send you to me,
I don't even work for her anymore.
I'm just a regular retired guy.
- Why are you retired?
What's Vick up to?
Where's Jan the missing dame?
What's going on here?
- Whoa, dude!
Whoa.
That's way too many questions.
I need a moment.
Never leave home without it.
- It seems my line of questioning
had broken this incredibly large man.
He's broken.
- Okay, let's do this.
What's that smell?
- The sweet smell of justice.
Now let's get down to business.
- Vicky, yeah, I was basically a bodyguard for her,
like a bro.
It's not fulfilling work, but it pays pretty well.
- For how long?
- A few years at least, until, until that day.
- What day?
- Vicky, she...
Look, you can't tell anybody about this, okay?
Nobody.
- I'm a detective, all my conversations are classified.
Detective's honor.
- She caught me at my gardening club.
- What's wrong with gardening?
- That's what I said!
- It builds character.
- It's fantastic for the environment.
- That mulch ain't going to move itself.
- Exactly, it is a great upper body workout.
- Cut it to me straight.
Did she try and have me killed?
- I don't know anything about a murder plot.
That doesn't really sound like Vicky anyway.
Besides, she's not even in charge of the TFT.
- The who?
- This place, business, whatever it is.
Anyway, she's not in charge.
- Then who is?
- I don't know, think it's a woman.
Jan, Jan, that was the name.
- Jan the missing dame.
- Yeah, anyway, those people think
they're going to change the world or something.
I just try to stay out of whatever it was they were doing.
I'm just here to guard stuff, that's it.
- What kind of stuff?
- Microwaves mostly.
- You did good, George.
Now it's time for me to piece this pie together.
- Ooh, I love pie.
- So how are we supposed to do it?
- That's not my problem.
You're both getting a raise for this,
thanks to your son's accidental involvement
with Detective Dick.
You'll figure it out.
- Our son isn't going to be hurt, is he?
- We're not in the business of violence, Lady.
We've gotten our way over the years with much better means.
Don't worry about the safety of your son.
All you two have to keep
in the front of your precious little minds
is what we talked about today.
Capisce?
- Nancy is the finest operator I'd ever known.
I wonder if she'd...
Holy guacamole!
Kid, what are you doing inside Nancy?
Get out of her this instant, she is my lady!
- Remember to keep an eye on your son.
- What's going on? - He's invaluable to my plans
for Detective Dick. - What is this portal?
What are your parents doing in there?
Nancy, Nancy, did you leave me?
Did you abandon me, have I wronged you?
Why does this always happen to me with the dames?
- We'll make sure your message is delivered, Jan.
- Hello?
Hello, hello, hello?
Kid, what's going on?
- What can I help you with, Dick, Detective Dick?
- Oh, Nancy.
Oh Nance, you're such a gas.
I never met a broad like you before.
More pasta for you, my darling?
- No, I'm gluten free.
- Yeah, even I know that's a bunch of malarkey.
Ah, this again?
- Dick, did you get all that?
- All of what?
Where's Nancy, what'd you do with Nancy?
- I put you on a video call.
- Stop speaking gibberish to me, Kid.
- Listen, Dick, there was a weird woman at my house
my parents called Jan.
- No, no, no, that's not her, Jan's missing.
- Well I think I just found her.
- What would she be doing at your house, Kid?
- I don't know, but I have a horrible feeling
that my parents have something to do with all this.
Listen, just get your butt over here,
we need to talk about this.
- I didn't know what Kid was talking about.
It sounded suspicious, real suspicious.
I decided to play along.
All right Kid, you got it.
- What am I going to do?
- Oh, Kid!
- You seem surprised to see me.
- No, no, I just wanted to check if you were home,
and you are.
So would you like some lunch?
- Sure, Mom.
- Cool, lunch.
Kid was in his room.
- What?
I thought he was out.
- Well he's not anymore.
- Did he see her?
- I don't think so.
I'm sure it's fine.
- That ruins plan A, then.
Drat.
- Big time drat.
How do we get to the detective?
- Mr. Dick?
Perfect timing.
- I laid there for a moment to ponder Guy's statement.
Was it really a good time?
By my watch, it was only two o'clock.
Nothing good ever happens at two.
- Dick?
- Yes, right, I'm here for Kid.
- Sure, sure, come on in.
- Thank you.
- You remember my wife, Lady.
- Yes, of course, very nice to see you again, ma'am.
- Kid had said some curious stuff to me about Lady and Guy.
I needed to dig deeper, Detective Dick deep.
So what do you folks do for a living?
- I'm a novelist.
- And I own an auto body shop not far from here.
- Not suspicious at all.
Do you know a missing woman named Jan?
- No.
- Never heard of her.
- I had come to the conclusion
that neither Guy nor Lady were suspicious.
My ace detective skills were sharp today,
sharp as a sharp object.
- Kid's in his room if you want to go talk to him now.
- Ah yes, thank you.
Been a pleasure seeing you again, ma'am.
Real sharp.
- Is the food ready, Mom?
- I'm no mother, Kid.
- Dick, finally!
I should've known it was you
by the thud of the body hitting the ground.
- As I looked in the kid's eyes,
I saw something more than a boy.
I saw a liar, a liar who was a young boy,
a boy by the name of Kid.
You got something to tell me, Kid?
- Yes, I know I saw that Jan woman, the missing one.
I think she's after you.
- Cut the crap, Kid.
I'm onto your plots and schemes, trying to distract me?
Get on my good side, turn a blind eye to the case?
- What are you talking about?
- I had a little conversation
with your dear old ma and pa.
- And?
- Oh, just your normal everyday garbage.
But my keen detective skills
told me they ain't hiding nothing.
- You're wrong, Dick, I know you are.
I know what I saw.
I sent you a video!
- Don't play mind games with me, Kid,
nobody twists my noodle but me.
You won't win, my mind is like a roller coaster
of intelligence, you cannot catch me.
- Stop acting tough and smart
and just listen to me for two seconds.
I think my parents are working for the enemy,
and I think it's Jan, and they're going to come after you
if we don't do something about it.
- Ah, nonsense.
Never question a detective, Kid.
I'm the one that does the questioning.
- Yeah, but Dick!
- I had made it this far
with my quick wits,
but I could see it in Kid's booger-filled eyes
that he was up to no good.
I had to drop him like a case of tuberculosis.
- And that's all I'm trying to say.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all well and good.
But nobody plays me for a sucker, Kid.
Nobody, sucker, nobody.
- Dick, please, you don't understand.
I'm just trying to help.
- You're off the case, Kid.
Now stay out of my way.
Kid had gotten on my bad side.
Nobody wants to be on my bad side.
It's bad, real bad.
Nancy, you're the only thing I got left
in this crazy, futuristic world.
- I can help you with that.
- Can you really?
I'm all out of sorts.
That kid was the best damn friend I ever had,
and he went and betrayed me.
You still love me, though, don't you, Nance?
- I respect you.
- Nancy, I need a little bit more than respect right now.
- I aspire to one day declare my life a vacation.
- Like when you retire?
- No, I don't think that far ahead.
I was thinking more later this week.
Just quit work, steal a boat, and sail away.
- Well then you're going to be a pirate.
- So true.
- Now where did my Dick run off to?
- Get that dick!
I got him!
- Throw him in the van.
- I got him!
Get in the van, get in the van!
Get in the van!
I think I pulled something.
- I'd been stuffed into a smelly shoebox,
hands tied, no idea where I was headed.
Bottom of a lake or a shallow grave,
unless I do some detectiving.
- How's it going, Dicky?
- Who the hell are you people?
Great question, Dick.
- Hey, knock it off back there.
- Jeez, Bro, I'm trying to do some work here.
- Don't say my name!
- Let's do this, Vicky.
- Don't say my name!
That's why we're wearing masks, you big lug.
Just grab the stuff and let's do this!
- What do you think you're going to do to me, huh?
I can take a hit.
- We're not in the business of violence, Dick.
- Locked and loaded.
- How long's it been, Dicky, huh?
69 years that you've been itching for a smoke?
- Idiot, itch is on you, those things are defective,
they don't do a thing.
- Don't they now?
Here's a taste of the future, just in case.
- I'm on the case.
- Hold him still, bro.
- I'm driving.
- Not you, I meant George.
- Hey, I'm trying, he's one slick dick!
And don't say my name!
- What are you loons doing?
- Smoke up, Dicky!
- I hate your filthy machine, I want my Luckys!
- Hold his nose.
That's it, Dicky, smoke on up.
Take it all in.
- What's happening?
- Night night, sweet prince.
- Dr. Clammy, 55-450.
Dr. Clammy, 55-450 please.
- Hello sir, nice to see you're awake.
- Don't get any ideas, toots, I'm spoken for by my Nance.
- Hello, Dick, Detective Dick.
- Ah, Nancy.
- I think we need to discuss what happened here.
- All right, well I just, I want you
to just give it to me straight, all right?
Am I going to walk again?
- Walk?
There's nothing wrong with your legs.
You suffered a nicotine overdose
and are in the hospital recovering.
We didn't find any identification on your body
when the ambulance brought you in,
but you were found lying unconscious
in the middle of the street.
Since you're awake and your vitals look fine,
you'll be discharged shortly.
But I have to warn you against the dangers of smoking.
- The dangers of smoking?
Are you sure you're not the one feeling a little sick, Doc?
- I'm not a doctor.
- Of course you're not.
But thank you for your help, you are a doll.
Seriously, but I need to get in touch with my girlfriend,
if you could just give me a moment.
- No problem, sir.
- Nancy, Nancy, baby, I need your help.
- How can I help you, Dick, Detective Dick?
- Giggle search me a missing woman named Jan.
None of this makes any sense!
Dang it, Jan, where are you?
Darn it.
Nancy, how do you spell janitor?
- J-A-N-I-T-O-R.
- The disappearance of a woman.
What was her name?
- Jan, Jan, that was the name.
- Never heard of her.
- I think she's after you.
I found this.
- Never got her last name.
I knew where I needed to go.
Jan had been under my nose since the beginning.
I never thought a missing woman
might not actually be missing.
Jan hadn't just been under my nose,
she'd been toying with me.
I had to get to Jan.
This case wouldn't be solved until I found the missing woman
that started it all.
- You have arrived at Jan's Janitorial.
- It looks like somebody didn't do as I instructed.
- We did exactly as you asked.
Dick is being tracked as we speak.
- And your son, Guy, where is he?
- He's in his room.
- Are you positive on that one, Guy?
- He's gone.
- That's what I thought.
The two of you get to my office now.
Don't make me come find you.
The boy, bring him to me.
Soon I will monologue all of this.
Everything I've done will be out in the open,
and I need everyone involved to hear it.
- When I ran into the building,
I saw George doing a crossword puzzle.
Looked like I was going to have to take him out.
- Hello, Richard.
- Nice to see you again, Georgie.
- Only my mother calls me that, and you ain't my mother.
- Then how about you call me mommy
and we get this show on the road?
Where is she, huh?
Jan, the woman I found.
- Oh.
Top floor, you hang a right, she's next to the second set
of bathrooms and the ATM machine.
- I don't have time for any more machines.
- Well buddy boy, you're going to have to get through
this machine of man meat if you want to get upstairs.
- All right.
I'm ready for you, Georgie boy.
- Oh no, Richard.
I'm a man of peace now.
- What'll it be then?
- I challenge you to 18 holes
of the greatest game God ever created for this country.
Mini golf.
- Sounds logical.
You're on.
Let's drop the puck.
Dick 69?
- Dick!
Dick!
- I thought I smelled your fishiness, and I hate fish.
- So how was your little trip to the hospital?
- How'd you know about that?
- Check your pocket.
- What is it, candy?
- That little device has been tracking you this whole time.
It means that we've been able to figure out
exactly where you are at all times.
We knew you'd be here.
- No.
I knew you'd be here.
Now get out of my way, toots.
- Come on, Dicky, fight me.
- I can't do that.
You're a woman.
- So what?
- So men don't hit women, because they're weak.
- They're weak?
- Yeah, weak, like a pretty little flower all weighed down
by the Sunday morning dew.
Weak.
- Oh, is that so?
- Yeah, that is so.
So if you'll just allow me to pass.
- All right, only because you're being a gentleman about it.
Go ahead.
- There I was again, on the floor,
waking up with a bad taste in my mouth.
Real bad.
At this point, I hardly knew what was going on,
but I knew I was going to get to the bottom of it.
I'm a question man looking for answers.
Thanks for the surprise party,
but my birthday's not 'till Friday.
I'll be 102.
- Nice to see you can still do arithmetic
after all that brain freeze you must be suffering from.
- Don't accuse me of being arthritic, my bones are fine.
And who the crud are you, lady?
- I'm Kid's mom!
- Not you, Lady, this lady.
- The name's Jan, Jan Itor.
- Itor, what is that, German?
I don't like Germans.
- Haven't you put it together yet, you frozen fool?
- Oh yeah, Jan, missing woman, Jan the miss,
Jan the missing woman, I found you.
- You couldn't find your hands
if you put them in your pockets.
- Why would I want to hide my own hand?
- You really were the perfect candidate
for our initial freezing experiments.
No risk of possible brain trauma.
- I only have one question.
- Only one.
- What are all these people doing here,
and why is Kid tied up?
- That's two questions, dummy.
- We never meant for things to go this far.
- Be quiet.
- Yes, Lady, do as your husband says.
Your presence here is just another piece of the pie for me.
- Kid, I thought you were on the bad side.
- If you would listen to me for 10 seconds,
you'd know I've always been on on your side, Dick.
- Kid's words flowed through me
like prunes.
The end result came out of me quick.
Was this what true partnership feels like?
- Oh Dick, you're too dull to see
when the answers are staring you right in the face.
How does it feel?
- Crummy.
Crummy as the bottom of a bag of chocolate chip cookies,
but I think I know what I'm staring at.
- And what might that be?
- A mad woman, a woman obsessed with the future.
- You have no idea what I'm about, Detective.
- In that moment, I knew what I had to do.
I had to ask the ultimate question.
What's going on here?
- Oh, I am so glad you asked that, Detective.
Now let me ask you a question.
Do you know how many detectives were put on the case
of poor old missing me?
- Yeah, just me.
- Wrong-o, it was every detective in this stinking town,
every last one of them.
But guess what, I was right here the whole time.
If we fabricated the missing woman's case,
then detectives all over town would be distracted.
- Why would you do something that annoying?
- I needed a way to make sure people would forget
about what I was up to.
Detectives always love a damsel in distress.
- She was right, a damsel in distress was a hot commodity
in my line of work.
Jan knew what she was doing.
Yeah, well I know what you were working on, Jan.
- And what's that, Dick?
- The freezing technology,
the technology that put me on ice.
- Wow, Dick, I'm impressed.
Do you know what else I was working on?
- That stupid mind control app.
- Even the kid seems to know more than you.
He was the one that found my office first, after all.
- It's not exactly hard when a van pulls up
that says Jan's Janitorial on it.
- Bro forgot to get the rental.
- That's besides the point.
You would've made a great detective
back in the day, Kid, truly.
- Well I don't give two farts what you think.
- Okay, Kid.
Now here's ultimate question of ultimate questions
that we've been throwing back and forth,
for my two favorite detectives.
Why?
Why go through all this trouble?
Can you put the clues together?
- Take over the world.
- You froze yourself so that you can come
to the modern age of technology,
because you were the first person to invent mind control.
You wanted to design an app
so that you could control the minds of people,
so that you could--
- Take over the world.
- Nailed it.
- Ooh, so close, boys.
You're right, Kid, I did freeze myself on purpose.
I came up with the first mind control device
back in the 1940s.
Alas, my plans were too monstrous back then.
I needed the technology of the future
to put it all together.
I had to bring myself into the digital age.
- And you unfroze Dick on purpose, didn't you?
- Another point for the kid!
You're really losing this game here, Dick.
- What did you need me for?
- You were the biggest idiot detective I had ever seen,
and I wanted someone like you
to see my plans finally come to fruition.
A little game of cat and mouse to span a lifetime.
- So what's your goal here, huh?
World domination?
- No, Detective Dork, you already guessed that.
Something even more amazing.
Something I think, after 69 years, you'll truly appreciate.
Appetizers.
- What?
- Yes, the world's greatest frozen apps ever.
You see, in the 1940s, appetizers were at an all-time high.
Crab dip, spinach dip.
- Don't forget onion dip.
- People almost did, but I wasn't going to let that happen.
With technology at the apex
of its powers here in the future,
I knew I could further develop my mind control device.
Then everyone would want to eat my frozen appetizers.
Once I had the freezing algorithm down pat,
all I needed were some test subjects.
And what better subjects are there than humans?
- I don't know, mice, bats?
Literally anything else.
- I knew it all along, and though I can appreciate your love
of frozen food starters, I still have a job to do.
All that's left to do now is have my sweet Nancy call 911
and police will be here before you know it.
- Calling 911.
- No, no, Nancy, I wasn't really quite ready
for you to go ahead--
Nancy.
Nancy, my sweet Nancy, no!
Don't leave, my love.
- Goodbye, Dick, Detective Dick.
- Oh, how classic.
He fell in love with his phone.
- Dick, you got to get up.
You're a detective, you need to take them down.
Please, I still need you.
- That's it, I'm taking you down, Jan.
This is a detective's arrest.
It's time to put this cold case on ice.
- Oh really?
And how are you planning on doing that?
- Keep away from us. - My god,
we didn't do anything.
- It's not our fault!
- Thanks for unfreezing us
and allowing us to escape that icy closet.
You did it, Detective.
- Who are you?
_ We're a group of P.I.s
that Jan put on ice back in the day.
We just put all this together about five minutes ago
down in the hall.
- Really, that quick?
Well I've been here, but I guess there's no reward
for first place, huh?
- No, in most cases, there is.
- Ah, whatever.
Go get them, tiger.
Hey Kid.
- Hey Dick.
- What do you say we make like a map and get out of here?
- I couldn't agree more.
- My apps, all my delicious apps!
My life's work foiled by a filthy, frozen gumshoe!
Damn you, Detective Dick, damn you!
- All right Dick, we're taking this lot down to the station.
Thank you for all your help.
You're a real swell guy, a true detective.
You're a real hero.
- Hero?
I'm no hero.
I had a case to solve.
Dick always gets his man, or woman.
- Can you speak?
- Yeah, no, yeah, I was just monologuing to myself.
- Happens to the best of us.
- You really are a hero, Dick.
I'm glad you made it here in time.
- You know, Kid, I'm sorry about all the trouble
I put you through.
Never had a partner before.
- Partner?
- Yeah.
You're a hell of a detective, Kid.
With the help of my partner Kid
and my poor long-lost girl Nancy,
I had solved the case of the missing woman.
- Now what do we do, Detective?
- We go back to the office, Detective Kid.
There's always another case to solve.