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bobby: i'll tell you, bobby, it's bullshit.
total bullshit.
i don't know.
what i do, is it art?
i don't know what it is.
it must be something inside me.
something's missing. i don't know.
you know, bobby...
i don't really believe in all the inner child stuff
that people talk about now.
i think it's all crap, really.
but every now and then, i like to give
the little kid a piece of candy just in case.
seriously...
it's depressing as hell.
i know enough to know that i'm depressed.
who's responsible?
when did this happen?
i don't know.
where is he? i don't know.
bobby, you're too kind.
you're much too kind.
i don't know if i'm a genius.
is he gonna come out?
i don't know.
did he shave?
i think you know and i know what it is that i do.
we both know it.
that i'm empty.
i'm a fucking dancing squirrel.
i'm totally vacant.
ok, ok.
i'm no artist. i'm a chimp.
anyway, bobby.
thanks very much, bobby, for having me on your show.
i really love your show,
and i hope you ask me back.
nice to see you again, buddy.
[knock on door]
mitchell: bobby?
what?!
hey, boy scout, how are you?
[whispering] give me a credit card.
you don't have a credit card?
yeah, i have a-- i'm not using
a platinum card on this door.
now, give me a goddamn credit card.
this is fucking serious.
here.
thank you.
10 bucks you can't do it.
are you kidding?
you have no idea who i am.
used to be a nice kid, jennifer, but now...
why are you here?
where are your, um-- where are your clothes?
tell me why you're here.
hey, come on, come on. you know why i'm here.
it's a big night, millions of viewers, you know?
going live without a net, you know?
just like johnny.
johnny got to tape at 4:00.
fuck him. fuck him. he's a dinosaur.
fuck leno, fuck letterman.
boy, you're the one. you're the one.
you got guts.
do me a favor, will you?
you just put on your clothes here.
we're gonna put on your clothes,
and we're gonna get out there,
and we're gonna kick some ass.
i need a little inspiration, mitch.
i need to feel like i'm having something to say.
say anything you want.
here, you want something to say, say this--
this is called a monologue.
i didn't mean the ally mcbealjokes,
mitch.
i'm talking about...
saying something that i'm inspired by.
i know, i know, i know. i know what you're saying.
i also know that we got 5 minutes
and you're going on live. do you understand that?
i also know that the most beautiful...
bloodsucker in the universe is on the show.
your show, not o'brien, not letterman.
bishop live.tonight.
so your clothes, you see. clothes are important.
because tonight, you are bobby the vampire slayer.
and i am telling you, bobby, you fuck this up and it is--
it is suicide.
so come on, let's stick a stake in this bitch
and let's go out and make
midnight with bobby bishop history.
it is silver bullet time.
my name is kevin, mitch. did you know that?
no. that's great.
thank you for sharing.
announcer: and now, coming all the way
from sunny los angeles, california,
live, i repeat, live from downtown l.a.,
it's midnight with bobby bishop.
tonight, bobby's guests are the supermodel
and soon to be major motion picture star,
bridget bower!
the music of tito puente!
television icon jerry mathers!
and, of course, the midnight rockers!
heeeere's america's favorite baby blues,
bobby bishop!
[cheers and applause]
loser.
put on hbo. sex and the cityis on.
no, louis, no. you know i'm trying not to watch it. no.
sarah jessica parker's so cute!
i'm not putting it on.
beautiful people always hump each other.
exactly. i'm not putting it on.
not the ugly beautiful. always beautiful beautiful.
yes! hey, i'm trying to do a show here!
all: sorry.
mark: hello?
hi. i'm in here.
what's up?
nothing.
bobby: anyway, what kind of name...
hey, what's this?
it's chinese.
hello--
mmm. all right.
ok.
hi.
hey.
ooh. ooh, chinese.
yeah, well, you know.
who's on?
i don't know. i just turned it on.
put on letterman.
you put on letterman.
i'm gonna go wash my face.
let's get outta here. we'll be right back.
and we're out.
christ. hey, al, you're such a fucking idiot.
back in 2, boss.
[clapping]
ladies and gentlemen, al the genius.
hey, hey, hey, how you feeling?
like shit. no.
is it me or is it them?
listen, they're-- they're tourists.
the band leader is a real fuckup.
you're doing great. you're kicking ass. no, they're bullshit.
for god's sake, you're sweating.
i'm fine. i'm fine.
will you guys get the fuck away from me?
he wants you away.
i said 3 times.
he shouldn't have to say it more than 3 times.
just back off. i'm dying here. this is live, mitch.
here's the crazy headlines, bobby.
this shit again.
third one's the funniest.
barbershop chicken.
you, hey, hey, get out.
whatever you want. you want a bullshit show.
now, listen to me.i'll do a bullshit show.
you are a star.
ok, good. enough.
brightest star in the galaxy.
mmm-ah. i love you.
jeannie: in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
we're back.
hello. welcome back.
bobby bishop...
bridget? mitchell banks.
big fan.
cell is on the back.
thank you.
oh, big night. live tv.
yep.
bobby is my boy. he's a big fan.
he's very nice. he's shorter in person.
well, when you get to know him,
he's 10 feet tall, and he's a big heart.
and--
[whispering] are you happy?
[claps]
back off, mitchell.
hey, look, napoleon.
don't listen to him, kitten.
he touch you?
ron, are you still pissed off about
that luke perry thing?
i like bobby. he's sweet.
he looks like charlie manson.
ok, ladies and gentlemen.
my first guest has the best personality
in the whole world.
right.
and she can dance. oh, boy, can she dance.
and she's very pretty.
ok, now i got your attention.
ladies and gentlemen,
supermodel and super person,
bridget bower.
does lily have a little crush on bobby bishop?
no.
[growls]
i think he's funny.
[scoffs]
he's a total moron.
those are, uh... terrific shoes.
thank you.
nice shoes.
ok, bridget.
isn't she beautiful?
thank you so much for coming, bridget.
thank you for having me.
bridget...
yeah, that would be a tall order, bridget.
you know, we have the same initials,
bridget and i.
we do, i guess.
yes. yes, we do.
i'd like to fuck you so much.
what?
what'd he say?
what'd he say?what'd he say?
what'd he say?
holy shit.
i bet you get fucked all the time, right?
what? go to commercial.
get us out. are we out?
you're probably tired of fucking, right?
you probably get tired of fucking.
what'd i do? what'd i do? what'd i do?
what a freak.
[all cheering]
ok, we're out.
you're finished, ass-face. bridget, sweetheart,
he will pay with his blood, i swear to god.
what did i do? what'd i say? what'd i say?
mitchell: hey. hey, get out.
here. i'm finished.
like you weren't thinking the same thing.
mark: not only did he use profanity,
but he did so in a lewd and lascivious manner.
i mean, we're talking--
we're talking breaking f.c.c. regulations,
we're talking sexual harassment.
rosie o'donnell is gonna crucify him.
what an idiot.
stay right here. don't move.
he said it out loud.
he did. i'm just saying,
i know i heard it, but it was in my head.
you're crazy.
yeah, how were we supposed to know what's in your head?
waves, man.
keith, you--
you should not be allowed to watch tv anymore.
i can't really be certain that i said it.
[telephone rings]
hello?
hey, did you see it?
i'm speechless.
in manhattan. it's unpublished?
same last name. uh...
try linda charles.
it's actually kind of sad.
kind of sad?
it's tragic...
what they're doing to these poor animals.
wait. what are you watching?
discovery.
what are you watching?
bobby bishop.
oh, who's on?
um, forget it.
let me call you tomorrow.
ok. put on 31.
ok. bye.
who was that?
oh, cindy.
oh, yeah? what does she think
of your knight in shining armor?
shut up. she didn't even watch it.
she didn't? mm-mmm.
[ring]
hello? hello?
[whispering] stupid cocksucker.
you fuck.
oh, you fuck, you fuck.
hello, mitch.
mmm.
say, can i ask you a question?
what the fuck, uh, bob?
listen, um, who's your biggest fan?
my mother.
uh-huh. aside from that saint of a woman,
who's your biggest fan?
i don't think i have any other fans.
what happened to your eye?
what happened?
loyalty.
a sterling character.
what happened?
bridget bower.
bridget bower hit you?
no, no, i wish.
no, her bratty little agent attacked me.
i'm sorry about that, mitch.
no, don't be sorry.it's my fault.
no, no. don't be sorry.
i respect what you did.
i don't--i don't necessarily understand it,
but i respect that you're an artist, you made a choice.
i dig that. but, you know,
you're also a-- you're a talk show host.
you're the voice of america.
there are rules.
i mean, i--i--i dig it.
i mean, i was thinking it myself.
but what the fuck, bob?
what? i don't know.
what'd i say?
i say something wrong?
no. my head was pounding,
hey. it just slipped out.
hey, i saw her tits.
i saw that. i dig that.
your head was pounding.
i dig that. but what was going on?
i mean, could you not see the cue cards?
the cue cards were there. was your vision blurred?
w-w-were you ad-libbing?
if you were riffing, i get that.
but help me. help me, baby.
help mitchell help bobby.
i can't help you. i don't know why.
i don't know why i did it.
i don't know why i said it.
i don't know. all i know is
i think rosie o'donnell is gonna crucify me.
oh, no. now, uh--
now, you just listen to me. don't stress.
i got it. i got it.
don't stress. don't--
just give me a second.
don't anybody fucking panic.
ok. ok.
here's what we do.
no, mitch. come on.
no, no. just listen to me.
mitch, mitch.here's what we do.
i'm tired-- ok, i got it.
listen to me.
we get, like-- we get--we--
we find a well.
you get that? mitch--
no, stay with me.
just listen. listen to me. listen to me. listen to me.
stay with me.
aren't you a little tired now?
let's just let it go.
we find, like, a puppy or...
a baby.
and we--
we drop the thing in the well.
you got that?
i'm confused.
all right, then. just hold on, hold on, hold on.
the puppy or the baby?
here's the deal.
[stuttering]
the kid's puppy runs out into the freeway
as you're driving home.
and you're dodging.
dodging cars left and right,
right and left. and the puppy,
it starts barking. do you understand?
barking. it starts barking
its fucking puppy head off.
i get it, i get it. so i see the puppy.
it is just barking. right.
and it alerts you to the tragedy,
and it takes you back to the well,
and you can just go fuck
rosie o'donnell.
you can fuck rosie o'donnell,
because you--
you're a fucking hero.
i'm supposed to get in the well?
no, you don't get in the well.
why would you get in the well?
[knock on door] you--
boss?
entertainment tonight's here.
tell 'em
he's a fucking hero.
oh, and, uh, joanie?
um, find us a baby.
come on. quick, quick.
i can't take this.
i'm gonna go to new york.
you deal with it.
um...
ok. why are you--
why are you going to new york?
come on. pick it up. pick it up. pick it up.
pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
hey, keith!
no smoking out here.
yeah, uh, hold on.
keith, no smoking outside the lounge.
are you in the lounge?
i'm on the phone.
you're in the hallway. put it out.
thank you. come on, pick it up.
i'm on the phone!
hang it up. pick it up.
hang it up.
oh, god!
hang it up.
pick it up.
hang it up. hang it up.
fuck.
keith, nobody likes a litterbug.
pick it up. come on, pick it up.
thank you.
uh, oh, uh, your sister's here.
lily: there you are.
[laughs]
hi, kid.
i'm very sad today.
why, sunshine?
i don't know. just...very sad.
oh. i bought you cigarettes and starbursts.
yay! treats!
oh...mmm.
thank you.
hey, slim, you got a smoke?
yeah.
here. keep 'em.
oh, thanks. you got a light?
here.
thank you.
you're welcome.
[ringing]
i don't want to talk about sarah jessica parker anymore.
ok. sorry.
i mean, i don't why you have hbo in here anyway.
but she's so scrunchy.
she's like a little corn muffin.
keith.
what?!
all right. remember when you told me
to tell you when you're being unstable?
yes.
you're being unstable.
ok. sorry.
all right.
how's dick?
mark is fine. he says, "hi."
[laughs]
how's mom?
she's all right.
she's a little worried about the job thing.
she's stopped coming to visit me.
she said she felt a weird vibe.
i'm, like, "mom, you're in a mental institution."
well, she didn't mean it. she's a littl kooky. hmm.
mmm.
ok, i saw it.
ok. so then, that was out loud then.
oh, it was definitely out loud.
wow.
[laughs]
what?
what's going on? what, what, what?
what--nothing.
you know something. i do not.
yes, you do. what do i know?
i don't know. something. i--i don't.
what is it?keith, you're paranoid.
did you talk to him?
no! are you sure?
yes, i'm sure.
maybe he was sending you some kind of signal.
by telling a model he wants to fuck her?
i don't think so.
are you sure you didn't talk to him?
yes, keith.
i have not spoken to kevin moss in years.
butdid you talk to bobby bishop?
they're the same person, idiot!
i didn't--
[laughs]
look--
eat one of those.
yes.
hi. hey.
can i have, um,
a pack of viceroy?
don't touch the fucking bag.
turn around.
hey.
i can't believe it. i can't believe it.
bobby bishop.
right.
bobby bishop.
you got it.
can you give me a break?
you don't fucking remember me?
i think so. yeah.
oh, yeah? i think i remember you.
yeah? what's my name?
um...
brian maher, huh?
you got that?
you're brian maher.
fucking superstar, right?
forget all the little people, right?
what do you mean?
i remember you.
i remember you when you were fucking kevin, man.
we were in the same class.
when you were still kevin.you really know me.
now you're getting it.
did we go to school together? yeah, that's right.
mr. ripton's western civ--
i remember you.you remember me?
yeah, you were a good guy.
you were my favorite. you were my favorite.
fuck you. you were a fucking douche bag, but hey--
oh, come on.
you're a big shot now. bobby bishop.
who was that girl, though? deleila, um...
lily. lily!
my girlfriend, lily. yeah, she was nice.
did you know her brother went fucking nuts?
keith? keith.
keith went nuts?
yeah.
he fucking put banana peels
all over his naked body, ran through
a fucking museum screaming, "don't slip!"
can you fucking imagine that?
that's crazy. yeah.
you look good. you look good.
yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, you look good.
can i get a pack of cigarettes here
and just go?
yeah, yeah.
ok, can i--keep that. and matches. thank you.
take care. yeah, be well.
ok.
talk to you.
ok.
un-fucking-believable.
hey, you got a card, man?
yeah. shit, man.
yeah, stay in touch.
ok.
i'd love to get down with you.
yeah.
be well, huh?
would you untape me, please?
you know, i should be mad at her
for smuggling in contraband, but, well, she's pretty.
and i'll tell her.
i mean, she got all the looks
in the family, you know?
come on, my arms are falling asleep.
not until group.
you know, um...
i know famous people.
mm-hmm.
oh, i--no, really. i know famous people.
tony newly does not impress me.
you would freak out
if you know who i'm thinking of.
i mean, you would freak.
[laughing]
if you knew who i know.
i'll just leave it at that.
[cell phone rings]
[ring]
hello.
hey, how are you, baby doll?
i'm weird, mitch.
very, very weird.
come on, you're not weird.
you're, uh-- you're creative.
what do you want?
what about that girl's mother? you find her?
no. nobody's home. no mother.
i need a favor.
anything, bobby, baby.
we're gonna beat this thing called depression.
lily's brother's in a mental ward.
i need you to find him.
his name is, uh, keith charles.
ok, i'm writing it down.
did you write it down?
all right, i'll get my people on it.
it's done.
oh, listen, bob?
they love the "i want to fuck you" line in the reporter.
right. whatever. just find him, all right?
[ring]
mom!
[ring]
mom?
can you spare a dime?
spare some change?
mom?
lily. oh, my angel. give me a kiss.
mom, what are you doing? come on, you're filthy. what are doing out here?
i'm practicing.
you're practicing? you're practicing?
come on. get up. come on.
all right, take it easy.
oh, god. oh, please.
you want a smoke?
since when are you smoking?
whose is this? where'd you get it?
oh, this sweet lady.
she covered me with it saturday night.
look at me.
you're doing this at night?
no, not last night.
you're sleeping out on the streets?
so you slept out here, mom? come on.
no, no, not last night.
last night my back was just killing me.
yes, uh, operator. um, how are you?
great.
listen, in manhattan?
what is the most popular mental hospital?
ok, listen to me.
i just found out some very serious information.
ok.
this is wicked shit. very hush-hush.
ok.
let me get some starbursts.
no way.
ok, forget it.
ok, fine.
give me all the yellow ones.
no, i'll give you strawberry.
what's going on here?
nothing.
nothing, louis. take off.
no. tell me what's so secret.
nothing. not a thing. take a walk.
i'll leave-- if you give me some starbursts.
forget it. you can stay. keep your mouth shut.
ok.
barry just told me that he happens to be very good friends
with matthew broderick's dogwalker.
no way!
i'd fuck matthew broderick's dog.
focus.
why did he tell you this?
i got him a date.
i don't get it.
matthew brodericks's dog is 50% sarah jessica parker's dog.
oh.
i don't get it.
i saw keith today.
linda: how is he?
he's fine. you know.
is he still in that dreadful place?
yes, mother.
i won't go there, though. that place has bad karma.
yeah, he told me.
where did you get this?
give me one of those smokies.
why are you smoking?
it's tough out there.
mom, come on. you're not homeless.
i could be.
yeah, we all could be, but you're not.
i just want to make sure
that i can hack it out there.
oh, come on, mom. everything's gonna be fine.
how do you know? you're not old and unemployed.
you don't know what it's like.
you're all keith's age out there.
this isn't a joke, you know?
you're not gonna be able to survive out there.
i met this nice little black man
who said he'd keep an eye on me
if i gave him some gum.
you met a man?
this little fella.
3 feet nothing, but so sweet.
and tough as nails.
is he the one who gave you this?
oh, no. that was a white guy.
what white guy?
nothin'.
no machine?
nothin'. yeah. give me another number.
i'm going back to "a".
just pick another number.
oh, here's one. adams, ann.
212--
well, obviously it's 212.
well, it could be 718...crabby.
keith, you got a visitor.
yeah. i'm on the phone.
come on. come on. let's go.
move it. move it.
718.
brooklyn.
it's a manhattan directory!
it is.
nathan, you were here to assist us.
mom, was he taller than me?
i don't know, i was in position.
in position? what does that mean?
when you beg...
you should be sitting below eye level,
or else whitey gets scared.
whitey? arthur told me that.
arthur?
my little black protector.
mom, where's the new one?
try the bottom.
ok. is this him?
no.
it's not?do you want a bagel?
this is not the guy who gave you the lighter?
they're frozen.
i don't want a bagel.
sorry. i don't know...
i don't know what's wrong with me.
you know who he reminded me of?
who?
kevin moss.
ok, let's cut to the chase.
oh...whoa.
keith.
how ya doin'?
tip-top. so, uh, barry filled you in?
all right? you know the deal is very hush-hush,
so, uh, let's get started.
wow. what's goin' on?
lab? retriever? what?
i don't know what you're talkin' about.
maybe some kind of smaller dog? a spaniel?
maybe it's a golden? right? a golden?
i think you, uh,
i think you're confusing me with somebody else, keith.
i, uh...
no! no! no! don't! i shouldn't see your face.
ok. ok. it's me. it's me.
do that again. do that--
it's kevin.
holy shit!
keith. keith. keith.
holy fucking shit!
wow!keith. keith.
bobby bishop!
shh! don't say it!
shh.
are you in my head, or what?
come on, keith. it's me.
it's kevin.
let me ask you something.
are you really crazy?
crazy?
no.
would you not speak for me?
would you just be quiet, please?
i'm trying to talk to somebody.
i didn't mean to get in the way.
i want...
pudding. i want...
[cries]
no, i'm kidding. i'm fine.
i'm just joking around.
kidding around.
hey! we got a guy in here who thinks he's you.
really? maybe he can take over my show.
[laughs]
hey, do you know sarah jessica parker?
uh, she was on the show once,
but i don't...we're not friends or anything.
ok, that sex in the cityshow?
it just--it kills me.
so, you have hbo in here?
what kind of dog do you think she has?
i don't know.
like a poodle, maybe. a little poodle.
listen...
uh...
i don't feel so good.
i feel really empty.
and...i need your help.
i knew it.
iknew it.
can you do me favor?
301 east 64th street.
that's where she is?
thanks a lot.
both: 301...
east 64th street.
64th street.
apartment 16.
number 16.
double "d".
♪ southeast exit
16 dd?
7a.
301.
♪ southeast exit
301.
♪ 7a
i'm sorry. 301--
i'm sorry. i'm kidding. i'm kidding.
301 east 64th street?
uh, 440 hudson street.
it's not 301 east 64th street?
440 hudson street.
don't write it. i'm sorry. don't write it.
i'm kidding.
i am crazy, you know. so there's that.
please, keith?
i just want to talk to her.
please?
i'm really sorry...
about everything.
321 west 83rd street,
apartment 4.
are you telling me the right number?
321 west 83rd?
apartment 4.
can you give me her phone number?
i think it's better to see her.
ok.
i'm a bit nervous.
i hope...
i hope she remembers me.
you should go see her.
thanks.
i knew you would help me.
hey.
he saw your mother?
yeah, but he didn't know it was her.
how do you know it's his?
'cause, look at it.
b.b.--that's so cheesy.
give it back.
bobby bishop. this is crazy.
i know.
how did your mother get bobby bishop's lighter
without him knowing she was your mother?
she was dressed as a homeless person.
oh.
she doesn't even smoke.
no, that's the whole point.
she started today. see how weird?
what am i doing, man?
i'm nuts.
see what i'm doing? i'm nuts.
you think she's gonna remember me? no way.
no way.
she never liked me.
fuck it.
[rings doorbell]
♪ yeah
♪ dancin'
♪ my baby's a lady
♪ oh
♪ dancin'
♪ my baby's a lady
♪ dancin'
♪ my baby's a lady
♪ we have a chance, yeah ♪
♪ my baby's a lady
whew! oh.
that song...kicks!
this is so dumb, man.
this girl's never gonna remember me.
[doorbell rings]
oh, shit.
who the fuck is that?
oh, my god.
who the fuck?
oh, shit.
i can't believe i came to visit you.
nathan, you're not bobby bishop.
keith, be nice.
he's taller in person, right?
i did mention you, though.
i told him we had a nut in here
who thinks he's him.
you didn't use the word nut, did you?
hello?
you know, baby, maybe you should
write down your feelings for this woman.
you're used to working with cards.
very funny, mitch.
call me. it's keith.
it's very, very important that you call me.
also, what kind of dog do you think sarah jessica has?
call me.
[sighs] be more of a psycho.
hey, tell him to stop giving my number out
to psycho ward attendants.
i got some creepy messages from a barry.
oh, my god. oh, my god.
what? it's kevin.
who? bobby bishop.
i'm gonna be sick.
it's ok. oh, my god.
ok, i'm going to do something.
no, don't, please. don't do anything.
let's mess with him a little bit.
no. no.
just listen. go to lenny's on amsterdam.
i'll meet you.
just go. if i'm not there in 5 minutes,
order something.
yah!
ha!
aah!
so, a--
bob?
what's goin' on?
don't think you can come back so easy, tv boy.
we know who you are and what you want.
kevin.what do i want?
what do i want? the girl was a model.
who's a model?
jesus, this neighborhood is so fucked.
just leave us alone!
hey!
ladies room!
what happened?
ladies room. no time. come on.
[cell phone rings]
hello?
hey, bob.
aw, man!
bob?
i can't take this.
excuse me, did you see a woman with black hair--
just came in here?
black hair. long hair. straight hair.
i don't know.
fuckin' jerk.
did anybody--excuse me.
anybody see a woman with black hair? she just came in here.
i think we're safe here.
what did you say to him?
i just told him to step off.
he won't come in here.
this is the ladies room. we're ok.
he told a model on live television he wants to fuck her.
you don't think he's gonna come into the ladies room?
no one saw her? no one saw a girl with black hair?
did you see a girl with black hair? come on.
where--did you see a girl with black hair? she was just in here.
ladies room.
thank you. thank you.
hello?
i'm peeing.
i'll just wait over here then.
this is harassment.
you attacked me.
i'm looking for lily charles.
why?
i need to find her.
can you help me find lily? i'm not feeling good.
i'm--i really would like to find her and talk to her.
you know, for a talk show host,
you're not too articulate.
ok. ok. you're funny. you're funny.
ok? you're a pro.
come on my show. you can tell your jokes.
hi.
i'm trying to eat vegetarian.
so, um...
i'll have the meatloaf.
is she in there?
lily?
she is different now.
i'm different, too. i'm a lot different now.
hold on.
i'm reading something on the wall.
oh, "crock... of...shit."
great. insult me.
come on. you're not even peeing. can i come in there?
i am peeing.open the door.
i am peeing. [makes peeing sound]
you hear it?
no, i don't hear it.
i bet you she's still amazing, like before.
i'd really like to be amazed again.
fuck you! you need to be amazed again?!
i knew it. i knew you were in there.
[whispering] drop dead you tv cheesy motherfucker.
can you come with me outside? just outside?
all right! you! out!
let's go.
it's just, it's my wife there.
lily, can you just come outside for a second?
what are you doing there?
you look great.
come on. what are you doing?
you look really nice.
have some dignity. let's go. come on.
just come outside for a second?
boy, did she look great.
didn't you think she looked great?
i hear ya. let's go, pal.
really beautiful.
oh, uh...
holy shit.
that was bobby bishop.
he looks like shit.
ok, everyone knew the movie stunk.
so i looked at him right in the eyes,
and i said, "jean claude, the movie stinks."
[laughter]
right? the movie stinks.
and since then, he won't talk to me again.
so i said, "ok, great. don't put him on the show.."
this is going to lulu, right?
ok...dear, sweet...
lulu. l-u-l-u, right?
love--no offense--
bobby...bishop.
here ya go.
and your girlfriend's ann.
[door opens]
hey!
hey! i'm in here.
i'll be right there. i'm just gonna get some water.
where were you today?
i was out visiting my mom.
oh. how is crazy lady?
she's fine.
her and keith should room together.
i saw him today, too.
sounds like you had a crazy day.
jeez.
don't.
sorry.
what'd you eat?
i just, uh, got the meatloaf at lenny's.
jeez! are you all right? what the...
jeez.
i'm sorry. it's so stupid. i got it.
yes.
so, um, guess who i saw?
who?
oh, just your boyfriend.
bobby bishop.
ow!
god. you know what? i got it.
i'll do it. you just wash your finger, ok?
jeez.
you know, so i'm at lenny's, right?
and fucking bobby, bobby bishop walks in the door.
did you say anything to him?
i spit at him.
you spit at him.
totally, yeah. and people, like, went nuts.
they were, like, clapping, and they stood up, and--
what an asshole. i know.
what an asshole thing to do.
what?
i can't believe you would spit at him.
asshole? i'm an asshole?
he's, like, the biggest pervert known to mankind.
he's not a pervert.
are you joking? he fucking asked bridget bower
to have sex with him on television.
bridget bower is a whore.
she's a--wow, whoa, whaa.
jeez, you know? just...
we're arguing about a talk show host.
no, we're not arguing about a talk show host.
we're arguing because you are an asshole.
all right? i'm gonna take a bath.
i'm an asshole.
excuse me. i'm sorry.
excuse me.
i haven't eaten.
i'm an asshole?
did you buzz today earlier?
so, you see, i'm empty.
i'm broken.
go away!
i can't believe that you're mad about this.
come on. just beat it.
it's like...you're acting like you know the guy.
fine. psycho.
pretty in pink is a much better love story than mannequin.
it is not.
rich guy falls for girl from wrong side of the tracks.
finds taboo love.
what can be more taboo
than a guy who falls for a life-sized doll?
i used to sleep with a doll.
uh, hey!
hey! what's going on? hey!
hey!
hey, the board feels late-night tv's a bad influence.
we're crazy.
hey, i'm trying.
i'm trying, guys.
[clears throat]
if days of the week had a color,
what would tuesday be?
sky blue.
navy.
no, uh...dark brown.
like a chocolate.
reporters: bobby! mr. bishop!
what happened? any comment?
did you know you can pay bail with visa?
i didn't know that. did you know that?
no.
that's crazy.
talk show host bobby bishop in trouble again.
arrested and in love in new york city.
only on news 6 at 11:00.
[telephone rings]
hello?
mark. hi. how are you?
hey, how ya doin'? she's in the tub.
oh, you're not watching tv, are you?
yeah. why?
put on 31. quick.
all right.
take it easy. hold on.
uh, ok. great.
i'm not really into pandas, though.
ok? bye.
no, mark. shit!
[ring]
hello?
uh, i'm sorry. i need to talk to lily.
uh, what channel are you watching?
i'm on, uh...
why am i telling you what channel i'm on?
she's in the tub. god.
what a dick. what a dick!
[ring]
oh...
[ring]
ok, hold on a second.
[sighs]
lily!
[knock on door]
what?
cindy's on the phone. she says it's important.
for her to be an asshole. now.
all right...
i'm gonna open the door.
i'm gonna open the door just a crack, ok?
and i want you to pass me the phone.
come on.
i'm serious.
all right.
hello?
it's right here.
oop. whoa. there it is.
oh, there's the phone! oh, she's got the phone.
hey, what's up?
you've got to get mark away from the tv.
he's been arrested.
oh, my god. arrested? oh, my god.
just listen to me, woman!
get him away from the tv!
the popular late night talk show host,
famous for making lewd comments to bridget bower,
has been bit by the love bug.
oh! oh!
make love to me.
baby, what the fuck did you just do?!
no. no. come here.
why did you do that?
i don't know.
are you fucking insane? the television!
i know. fuck me. hmm?
what?
i can't help it.baby...
love got me busted. and her name is lily.
hey, lily.
anyway, new york's got the best pizza in the world.
oh, kevin.
what'd you say?
what?
you just said kevin.
no, i did not.yeah, you did.
no, i didn't. i said mark.
how the fuck could i mistake kevin for mark?
nobody's kevin. come on.
you know what? forget it.
i'm so over this. i don't fucking care.
kevin?! jesus, man.
unbelievable.
hi. what--what happened? what'd they say?
he's fucking in love with you.
oh, where's mark?
oh, my god. he's in the bathroom.
keith. keith. keith. keith!
barry, man. what the hell?
he's here.
who's here?
i'm talking to keith. go to sleep.
who's here?
him.
who's here?
go to sleep!
pooch in the city.
who's here?
called cindy.
she hasn't called me back yet.
call again. they love that.
that's a good job, nathan. go to sleep.
oh, nathan, you've got to...
hey, do not talk to me like that!
who the fuck is kevin?!
what are you eating?
i'm eating wheat thins.
well, stop it!
what?!
those are my crackers! i'm not kidding! come on!
you are fucking insane!
what are--
will you open the fucking door?!
no. you will not talk to me like that.
you're--jesus christ!
your whole family is fucking insane!
[sighs]
god!
hey, come on. give me a break, please.
hey. hi. yeah.
thank you.
hi. how ya doin'?
so you, you...
you hold the key to the pooch in the city.
yes, i walk the dog. that's what i do.
how do i know?
i'm tellin' ya.
barry?
how--how-- how do i know
that it's a pure bred and not a mutt?
it--it is a mutt. it's a mix.
no, he...
i think what he means
is that how do we know it's sarah jessica's?
no. no. no. listen.
i walk matthew broderick's dog. that's all i guarantee.
you guys wanna call it sarah jessica's dog? go ahead.
look, that's your deal.
ok. 2,000 for the puppy.
did you tell him it was a puppy?
no, i said it was a dog.
dog. dog. dog.
it's not a puppy.
dog! dog! 2,000 for the dog.
i mean, it's a dog.
hey, sugar. want a date?
thanks. nice shoes.
who are you? i know you.
thanks for watching the show. thank you.
thanks for watching the show.
holy shit. kevin michael moss.
right.
karen malory. fourth period english.
you don't remember?
8.
look. look. look in my eyes.
ok. i'm crazy.
he's crazy. he's crazy.
you know what's crazy? i'm gonna lose my job.
ok? 10. 8.
please, tell him. please.
guys, i gotta get back. it's cold.
8.
how about 9?
barry. barry. get it together.
how about 9?
8. i could buy a baldwin dog for 10.
mrs. suchman's class.
i remember.
there you go.
you were 6 foot tall in second grade.
i remember you.
fuckin' a.
we played football together. you tackled me once.
you almost killed me.
i remember you.
nice to see you.
yeah.
good seeing you, too, honey.
lookit. back to mess with the bitch's brain.
why don't you stop swinging that dick around?
poor lily.
i didn't swing nothin'.
i haven't done a thing.
i haven't been swinging anything.
i haven't done one thing wrong.
you know her brother went nuts.
i know the brother.
yeah, i know her brother. i know him.
i brought him candy today.
i know all about him. believe me,
i know what i'm doing. what i'm doing.
what's he doin'?
i think he's haggling with her.
take some money.
if you're not gonna let her be--
and shut up. wait, look. see how easy?
i'm gonna pay you to shut up.
don't fuck with the bitch,
unless you fuck her like a champion.
good hustle.
you're not gonna make me shut up.
take it. here. $100. and you don't insult me anymore.
fuck you. fuck your money.
shove it up your fucking ass.
all you have to do is shut your big, fat mouth.
she's a good girl.
remember big karen?
big karen now grew up and has a big mouth.
scrawny motherfucker. scrawny bobby.
here, take the money.
fuck you!
yes, i did. i screwed bobby bishop.
i gave him a blowjob. yes, i did.
my name is sundey, with an "e".
hey, marco polo.
hey.
what's the matter with you?
why do you look so sad?
i'm not sad.
it's such a good song.
it is a good song.
you wanna have a drink with me?
sure.
bradley? can we have another...
cosmo.
cosmopolitan for sad sack over here.
i am not sad.
you look sad. come on. cheer up.
oh, my...
oh.
come on. just do it. do it.
i don't feel good.
you'll feel better.
i haven't worked out in, like, a week.
you look good to me.
i'm totally bloated. my stomach is, like...
i'm, like, chubby.
i am. stop.
come on. let the music free your soul.
ok? come on!
i'm too fat.
come on, bitch. get up.
let's work. right now.
off your chair. on the bar. do your dance.
no. come on.
[cell phone rings]
hello?
hey. you got fucking arrested. genius.
yes, a ladies room. big fucking deal.
what the fuck am i doing?
what am i doing?
god, i swear so much these days.
hey, uh, listen. variety loved the "i wanna fuck you" bit.
yeah, we got 'em by the balls.
we're a hit.
we're...
we're a hit.
hey, we're going live in new york city.
what?
you're going live.
don't come to new york, mitch.
don't come to new york.
i love you. i'll see you tomorrow.
come on, mitch. don't come.
don't come to new york.
do not come to new york.
don't come to new york, mitch.
♪ you set me on fire
♪ 'cause you're filled with desire ♪
jesus christ!
♪ you draw my emotions
♪ i can feel your desire
♪ feel it comin', feel it comin' ♪
♪ dancin'
aah!
♪ dancin' with desire
♪ dancin', gettin' me higher ♪
lily! lily!
come on! let me in!
stop.
ah, come on.
you're as cute as a fucking bug, you know that?
stop it.
you're so cute, i could eat you up.
don't fuck with me.
oh, she's goin' with the fuckin' left hook.
lily!
no, i gotta go. i gotta go see lily.
she's so pissed.
mark, you're gay. ok? she knows it. it's over.
gay. what is gay, really?
lily! lily!
hey, lily!
come on.
lily!
lily, don't disappear.
why?! why?!
because you're the only one who can disappear?
you are in my fucking living room 5 nights a week.
don't talk to me about disappearing.
4 nights. we repeated on monday.
i know that, because i even watched that.
that's how fucking pathetic i am.
the show's good.
the least you can do,
if you're gonna leave me, is leave me.
you don't have to become a part of pop culture!
in my fucking living room 5 nights a week!
excuse me. excuse me for being successful.
that's what i did.
i've become a part of pop culture. lily!
hey! all right, i'm--
you know what somebody gave me for my birthday?
what? what?
one of those birthdays that you didn't even fucking call me for.
lily.you wanna know?
here! look!
a midnight with bobby bishop coffee mug!
listen, cut it out. cut it out.
cut it out?
cut it out. what kind of jerk would give a mug for--
this is lighter. hey, you know what this is?
won't hurt ya!
that is a beach towel. not a normal one.
a bobby bishop beach towel.
i didn't even know we made these.
well, you do. you make 'em.
and guess what? i loved it!
i loved it when my cousin jenny goes to california.
"oh, we saw the bobby bishop show.
he's so cute!"
all right. lily-- fuck you!
hey, come on. i'm sorry.
come on downstairs.
you're waking up the whole neighborhood.
i don't give a fuck about the neighborhood.
for once--
when did you get this new vocabulary?
you know where it's from? where did i get it?
my new attitude? what the fuck?
you never said things like that, ever.
i never had the opportunity to say it to you before
because you left!
do you have any idea what it's like?
do you know what it's like to be in a relationship,
to live with someone, and not be able to tell them
that the guy on channel 7 is your boyfriend?
that is your ex-boyfriend?
do you know what that's like?
i'm like a fucking-- i'm a spectacle.
i'm an idiot! i'm a loser!
you're not a loser. what are you--
come on! i did everything for you!
i helped you! i loved you!
i loved you, too. we were a couple.
i thought you were funny.
i am funny.
i rearranged my living room furniture
so we could play talk show.
you know? i'll be ed, and you be johnny.
i was a better johnny. you tried johnny once, you were terrible.
no, you weren't funny as johnny! you weren't!
johnny wasn't--
hey, guess what? i was funny!
i don't remember you ever being funny.
no offense, but you were not that funny.
you were fun, but you were not that funny.
ok? now, will you come down and let's talk?
you know what wasn't funny?
what?
don't bring that up.
i wasn't going to bring it up.
i don't wanna talk about that now, please.
i know, it must be painful for you
to send me a fucking check. that must have been hard.
you think i had no feelings about that?
you think i had feelings when i read
that you're dating sheryl crow?
i can't believe this.
i can't believe we're arguing about a tabloid.
i never met sheryl crow.
you fucked me up when you got famous!
i'm gay.
no shit!
i'm bobby.
yeah, i know who you are.
don't shake his--
but i didn't know who you--
who is this?
i hate your fucking show by the way. it sucks.
who is this?!
this is riff.i'm gay, too.
riff?! who is this, i'd like to know?
you know exactly who that is! i'm bobby.
i love your show.
who is he? i don't understand?
who's your fucking little friend?
is that your boyfriend, is that your affair, is that your lover?
he's a friend of mine, ok?
we're just having fun, that's all. ok?
that bridget bower is a slut.
would you shut up about bridget bower?
thanks.
oh, "thanks." bobby, shut--
all right, you didn't have any idea
about what was going on? i mean, come on, be honest.
no, i didn't. i thought you were kind of strange,
but, no, i didn't.
hey, maybe you're strange, ok?
hey, maybe you should shut the fuck up!
woman: shut up!
what is this? what is your life?
you know what, you know, i'll--
i'll just come back next week, and i'll get my stuff.
come back and get your fucking cock rings.
look what you did, you asshole!
what i did? i made them gay?
lily? lily?
i'm kidding.
read my speech.
"i'm here, and i'm not leaving.
"i want to be a whole person.
"with you, i was a whole person.
"i was stupid, but i was whole.
"i'm not going.
i'm smarter now."
i'm not gonna make the same mistake, lily.
i'm not gonna make the same mistake.
it's my girlfriend's house.
let's go, romeo.
it's my girlfriend's house.
we're just having a conversation.
she's up there. lily!
step over to the car.
lily!
damn.
come on, come on, guys.
it's my girlfriend's house.
come on, inside the car.
lily!
i'm sick. i'm sick with love. lily!
get well soon.
lily! lily!
lily!
god bless him.
anybody home?
mmhh. no.
check this out.
the hooker's cute, huh?
[doorbell rings]
mom, it's me!
linda: who's me?
me! your--mom, come on, open the door.
hey.
mom...hey, hey, what happened?
mom?
what are you doing?
hey!
mom, what are you doing?
what you do mean what am i doing?
sit down. i'm tired.
hey...
what? oh, my god.
my roots, i know, my roots.
no, mom, what happened to your face?
nothing, nothing. i--i slipped in the tub.
oh, that is bullshit, mother.
come on, we're gonna go to lenox hill.
no, i don't want to go to the hospital.
mom, i mean it--
nooo!
ok, ok. no.
ok.
all right, mom.
it's ok, i'm sorry.
ok.
sorry.
i'm gonna get you a diet pepsi, ok?
yeah. no ice.
no ice.
here, why don't you--
why don't you have a cigarette?
i lost my lighter.
no, no, no, i have it.
here you go.
i did not touch her.
what's my horoscope?
you did a good job.
thank you.
you're the best manager
a bum like me could've ever hoped for, mitch.
all right, stop now. come on.
who's our first guest?
matthew broderick.
don't start.
he's a fine actor,
a fine actor.
it'll be fine. you did a good job.
thank you.
ok, can we go, can we go? can we go?
mom, what happened to your little protector?
arthur? yeah.
he left.
what do you mean he left?
left, gone. they never come back.
oh, my god...
did you have sex with this guy?
give me another cigarette.
no! mom, look at me, look at me.
did you have sex with him? no, no!
where? here?
no. where!
in the park. it was beautiful.
mom, you could've been murdered.
linda, you could have aids.
oh, stop it, will you? arthur was good.
we used a glove.
i'm gonna take you to the hospital.
a glove?
ok.
ahem.
yeah.
starbursts.
uh...lots of 'em.
over and out.
ok, around 4:00 or 5:00.
all right, thank you.
cindy: everything cool?
yeah.
hey, mom, you want a bagel?
no, honey.
you know, i really should run over
to st. paul's before i miss out on grub.
heh. nobody says grub anymore, mom.
what is grub?
hey, how you doing?
what are you looking at?
did you really blow that hooker?
no. no?
no! you would believe that i would do that?
no, i did not, i did not,
i did not blow her, and she did not blow me.
we didn't blow each other. no blowing.
she was-- no, i don't do that.
i'm not like that.
ok. ugh.
good man.
all right, here. i got the stuff.
oh, yeah. got the stuff.
did i come through?thanks.
did you ever see bag that big of that stuff?
look, uh...
there's somebody that i'd like you to say hello to.
come on, keith. i got a lot on my mind.
just--just for a second.
it'd be a big thrill.
i do this all the time, i hate it, i hate it.
that's what everybody says, they say the same thing.
"it's just this one person."
bob, come on!
"it would mean so much to them."
one person. one person.
yeah, ok, great. hold on.
ugh.
bobby bishop... bobby bishop.
how you doing? what's your name?
what's your name?what's your name?
i'm bobby bishop.
who is this guy?who is this guy?
i don't get it.i don't get it.
he thinks he's you. say hi.
oh, i see. he thinks he's me.
all right, enough.all right, enough.
cut it out.cut it out.
anyway, nice to meet you. bobby bishop.
nice to meet you.nice to meet you.
thanks for watching the show.
cut it out.cut it out.
all right, enough, i get it, i get it.
i said i got it. keith?
keith?
ok, we met. good-bye. whuu! whuu!
ahh! get rid of him.get rid of him.
get him out of here.get him out of here.
get him out of here. get him out of here.
cut it out! cut it out.
all right, enough. i get the joke.
go, go away!
thank you. good night, thank you.
keith, get him out of here. get out of my sight,
you fucking nut. heh heh.
keith, i mean, come on. thank you.
what was that? some wacko? thank you.
ok, the guy's a fucking nut.
no. nooo!
no! no way!
no fucking way!
why is everybody yelling?
lily, you're doing everything right.
it doesn't feel like it, but you are.
ok. how are my eyes?
you're beautiful.
they're fine.
here, blow your nose.
ok. ok.
i'm--i'm gonna go see keith.
ok, i'll wait.
i don't care if his dog is missing.
what do i care? hey, listen,
he promised to do the show,
he is doing the fucking show!
no.
no. i don't care if his dog is dead.
how do you like that?
"i'm gay. i'm gay."
and he's got lipstick on and the whole thing,
and it was mark, it was him.
"i'm gay?"
lily's dating gay.
the little one loved me. mark hated me.
woof. real gay.
hey, keith, your sister's here.
woof!
keith, i'm not here, i'm not here.
right. yes.
bring her in.
excuse me. that's my guy.
bobby. you watch television?
do you watch television? that's my--that's bobby bishop.
late night with-- mm-hmm.
do you do film? because you have
a beautiful structure to your face.
a struc--
what's wrong with you?
you--you--
just...get out of my face.
[mutters] asshole.
hey, go fuck yourself, you know?
i'm just trying to make, you know, conversation.
go fuck--go fuck yourself.
i don't need that shit.
when was he here?
the other day.
i don't want to talk about him.
did you see the paper? yeah.
i don't want to talk about it.
look, lily...
he didn't do that.
what? the paper.
lily, he wouldn't do that.
i don't know that.
look, he's crazy,
but i told you it was a sign.
no, having a breakdown on tv is not a sign.
lily... hmm?
he loves you.
no, he loves bobby.
no, he loves you.
and you love him.
i can see it.
you cannot.
lily, bobby's been here for 2 days,
and you look totally different.
i do?
your eyes, for the first time in years,
they sparkle.
you deserve to be loved, lily.
really loved.
i don't know.
i'm out there,
and it is weird, and it's hard.
i know.
no, no, no, you don't know.
i remember.
bobby's out there.
no, no, no, bobby is not out there.
bobby is in tv land.
i don't have people.
i don't have--i can't...
run a repeat of last tuesday
if i can't handle this one.
i don't have shrinks, i don't have handlers.
i can't go searching for some girl
that i used to know out of the blue.
i mean, i'm alone.
i worry about me.
and between you and linda and mark...
and then all of a sudden, bobby bishop.
god.
i'm sorry.
no, don't be sorry, don't be sorry.
just please don't tell me that it's easy.
ok?
and that goes for you, too, moron.
i should take your starbursts back.
no, no!
lily, lily!
no, no! fuck you! fuck both of you.
keith, i'm sorry, i didn't mean it with you.
you, i mean it! fuck you!
hey, lily.
no, no, see, i'm not some hollywood diva.
i know, i know.
i'm a real fucking person.
i do my own hair!
i like your hair.
yeah, your hair looks good. you--
stop it!
the world does not revolve around you when you're in it!
what's that mean?
i don't think the world revolves around me.
she looks good. she looked good.
let's go. what's wrong?
i just got ambushed.
oh, don't read the paper today.
shit!
ugh!
kitten? what happened?
just leave me alone! damn.
i just banged my head.
let's go do the show.
let's do the show.
there you go. yes, sir!
wow, wow, wow!
look at this!
killer! rebirth!
it's just tv, mitch.
that's what i'm talking about.
i'm talking about tv. i'm talking about big show!
what happened to broderick's dog?
broderick's dog. that's important.
to me. i'm on that.
get on it, mitch.
i'm--
where you going now, killer?
hi, linda.
hiya, honey.
it's good to see you.
yeah.
how's the vibe?
not too bad.
good.
listen, keith,
i don't want...
what?
to cramp your style.
heh! you're not gonna cramp my style.
well, you know, i know you have a girlfriend.
mom, i don't have a girlfriend.
oh, i'm sorry. yeah.
your special friend.
mom, i don't have a special friend.
it's only natural, you know,
that a mother would want to meet
her son's gal.
and i'm sure this--
this little sarah jessica would like to meet
the mother of her beau.
mom...
sarah jessica and i...
broke up.
oh, honey.
she gave you the gate?
what's the gate?
my baby's growing up.
listen, we got a problem.
it's not a big problem...
can you keep rubbing?
it's a talent thing.
all right? you with me?
yeah, i heard you. ok, we got a problem.
what else is new?
don't ask question number 3 to guest number 1.
who's guest number 1?
broderick.and what's number 3?
hal linden. not who's number 3.
what's the question number 3?
yeah, for number 1.
what's the question number 3 for number 1?
how's your dog?how's your dog?
what? oh, i get what you mean.
don't--don't ask--ok.
how's your dog?
people love celebrity pets, you see.
that's all of it?
that's all of it.
that's a hell of a price to pay for a dog.
what are we gonna name it?
it totally depends on its personality.
we're not getting a puppy.
i'm sure it already has a name.
well, you can't give it another name.
it'll get confused.
we might like its name.
we're not naming, we're napping.
dognapping.
exactly.
did you find the dog yet?
it doesn't matter. we can't--it's gone.
ok, fine. i won't ask him the question.
good.
don't ask him, "how's your dog?"
please. find his dog.
put up signs, do something.
i'm working on it.
you keep saying you're working on it.
you want makeup back in here? makeup!
send her in, send her in.
ok, all right. ok.
"hey, matthew, how's your dog?"
no, no, no.
just kidding, mitch, just kidding.
look good, feel good. take care of him.
mitch, you know i got that pounding feeling again.
anything could happen.
[tv playing]
here you go, angy. nice and toasty.
these are delicious bagels, mrs. charles.
thank you.
angy, keith, nathan: thank you.
you're welcome, boys.
see, i put the butter on
before i toast them.
scrumptious.
i'm gonna go get a diet pepsi.
can i get anybody anything?
uh-uh.
[dog barks]
easy, easy, easy.
woman on p.a.: 2 minutes to showtime.
going live in 2 minutes.
band, crew, and talent, take your places.
almost time.
you want to watch?
why do they call it midnight with bobby bishop
when it comes on at 11:30?
it's cute.
hey, ronnie!
scumbag.
oh, come on, ron, white flag, white flag.
your boy better be good. i brought my gun.
and no dog, or we're gone.
hmm.
ruff.
announcer: and now, ladies and gentlemen,
live, it's midnight with new york city's
favorite john...
bobby bishop!
[cheering]
kevin moss.
can i speak with you?
bobby's on.
got him.
oh!
what are you doing?
nothing.
where do you think you're going?
oh...
mom, this is my friend barry.
we're going out for a little while.
nice to meet you, mrs. charles.
hello, barry.
well, don't you boys stay out too late, now.
we won't.
you promise me.
i promise.
feel this.
announcer: and here he is,
bobby bishop!
[audience cheering]
audience, chanting: bobby! bobby! bobby! bobby!
now before we begin the show,
first off, right away,
this is very important to me.
uh...
i never got a blow job from that hooker.
what he say?
he didn't just say that.
no blow job.
that's what i thought he said.
you can't say blow job on tv.
why would i say that?
this...
right here...
this is not living.
[audience cheers]
i want to spend my life
with somebody,
not a bunch of fucking idiots
who waited in line for hours
to see this stupid fucking talk show.
[audience cheers]
my whole life, this is what i wanted.
to be right here
in this spot, in front of this audience,
on this show,
with my theme song.
that's what i wanted.
because i thought when i got here
that everything would be ok.
i would be happy.
this would make me happy.
and once i got here...
i would be able to start living.
that's what i thought.
but i wasted my life.
i had somebody who adored me,
and she was the greatest audience
in the whole world.
and we didn't need any applause sign
to be happy.
ok.
i realize this is not funny.
this is not funny for anybody.
i'm not being funny.
i'm not that funny.
i'm just a guy.
just a simple guy.
and, uh, you know what?
fuck the network.
fuck all the ratings.
and fuck you.
my name is kevin.
i'm kevin.
uh...
nice to meet you.
[audience applauds and cheers]
we're outta here.
what a crazy talk show.
nathan: fuck the network! i'm not bobby, i'm kevin.
i'm empty, i'm kevin, i'm kevin! no more show!
i'm kevin. nice to meet me, nice to meet me.
i'm kevin, i'm kevin!
fuck the network! fuck you!
i'm kevin, i'm kevin!
little kevin moss, all grown up.
heh heh heh!
oh, kevin, you got so hairy.
ow, ow, ow! that hurt!
did you get it?
are you fu--no, i didn't get it.
give me a fucking break.
of course i fucking got--
what do you think i was just doing?
you know, the dog took a shit in the car.
the dog took a shit in the car? well--
fine! who--
ok, ok, ok. can we go right now?
please, please, please?
thank you.
hey!
hey, hey!
i can't believe he did it!
i can't believe it!
hey.
rockefeller center.
uh, 83rd and columbus
as fast as you can.
big tip, big tip, big tip.
yes, yes, yes!
you're the big girl!
yes, you are!
who's a cute puppy?
go, go! no, no!
thank you.
♪ lily, lily, lily
lily? lily!
lily, lily! where's lily?
your show is awful.
thank you. thank you very much.
can i speak to lily, please?
she went to find you.
she went to find me?
go!
all right, thank you, thank you.
go! thank you.
where's bobby?uh...lena?
lily. lily, lily!
yeah, he's not here. he, uh...
he went. he went to find you.
lot of teeth.
go around this guy.
ok, 83rd and columbus.
[dog barks]keith, hurry up!
i'm gonna lose my job!
keith!
will you just give me a second here?
this is a very upset dog.
come on, that thing is making a ton of noise.
i know this, barry. get it together.
i'm sorry.it's ok, it's ok.
ok, now get louis started on the ransom note.
bring back a jar of peanut butter, creamy. go!
oh, shit!
boys? boys...
what in the world do you think you're doing here?
hey, mom.
keith, i'm very disappointed in you.
whoa! jesus!
[horns honking]
jesus, that was fucking close!
should we stop?
no, no, no! fucking--oh, fucking cab drivers!
god damn it!
[cab drivers shouting at each other]
bobby!
thank you. thanks for watching the show.
bobby!
kevin!
hey!
hey, you ok?
i don't know. it's like it's stuck.
hello. hi.
um, i need to speak to a, uh,
crazy person you have here named nathan.
nathan.
nathan, yes.
nathan. ok.
this way.
thank you.
did you see the show?
did you see it?
sorry, i missed it.
oh, you didn't see the show?
no.
lily... what
i said things to you on the show.
what did you say?
things. i can't explain it now.
what kind of things?
nice things. i said things for you.
like what?
nice things. how could you miss the show?
did you see the show?
i saw it.
i want you to love me again.
can you love me again, please?
i can like you a whole bunch.
no. can you love me again?
[sirens approaching]
ok, now here's the deal.
we're gonna ask you to do a monologue.
you think you can remember a monologue?
yeah? yeah.
good. give him the monologue.
hey, listen to me. hey, listen to me.
ok, i want to tell you something.
i have seen talent.
ok, that's all i want to say. let's go.
you gotta go something with his hair.
his hair sucks.
i think earth tones.
can someone get the door, please?
could someone get the door, please? jesus christ!
mmm.
oh, bobby.
what'd you call me?
kevin.
let's just look at it. i've never seen that much money.
oh, ok, all right.
hold on, just hold on.
fine.
ok. ok, ok,
ok, ok, ok, ok, ok.
girlfriend: oh, look.
oh, my god.
treats.
oh, my god.
you're an idiot. you're an idiot.
fuck me.
captioning made possible by lions gate entertainment
captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--