( drums, trumpets play stirring theme )
( upbeat jazz theme plays )
( chorus vocalizing to jazz theme )
( jazz theme building in intensity )
( screams )
( upbeat jazz theme continues )
( voice muted )
( jackhammer pounding )
( sighs )
Okay, Don. We'll take it from here.
Good.
I gotta hurry. I'm going to be late for my analyst.
( gong clangs )
( silences gong )
You're early, Don.
How about that sound?
Uh-huh.
You know, you shouldn't come in here like that.
I may have had another patient.
I know.
But I had to find out about that sound.
What's that all about, doctor?
I don't really know what it's all about, Don.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful sound.
You're a remarkable man.
Should we begin?
( sighs )
I had a weird dream last night.
Good. Tell me about it.
I can and I can't.
I woke up.
No, it was a nightmare, and it woke me up.
But I couldn't remember it.
Uh... when you couldn't remember it,
did you think about anything?
That was weird too.
I suddenly remembered something
that happened to me when I was a kid.
Mm-hm.
Something I haven't thought about since it happened.
What was it, Don?
It was the day I found out about niggers.
Mm-hm.
I don't feel like lying down.
You mind if I sit over there?
No, go ahead.
I was 5.
And I knew there were colored people and white people.
But then Mama took me to school.
And it was almost all white kids.
And nothing much happened on the first day.
But on the second day,
I was walking to school alone.
My big brother, he was already in third grade,
and when you got a kid brother in kindergarten
it can be kind of an embarrassment,
so he ran on ahead to be with his buddies.
Anyhow, there was a group of white kids
on the street up ahead.
And as I came up,
they started laughing and running and yelling.
"Run, run, here comes the nigger!
"Run, run!
Here comes the nigger."
And I looked around.
And I didn't see any niggers.
But if they wanted to play, so did I.
So I started laughing and running and yelling.
"Run, run, here comes the nigger!
Run, run, here comes the nigger."
And suddenly there was my big brother.
And I ran up to him.
And I started yelling,
"Run, run, here comes the nigger!"
And he hit me.
Then he did something worse.
He told me what a nigger was.
And that I was it.
How'd you feel about that, Don?
A hate flashed in me.
And I started to hit my brother.
I hated him, and I hit him.
I hated me.
And I hit him.
And I rammed that knife into his heart.
What?
The Albanian.
I killed him.
I stuck that knife into him.
And he was my brother,
and he was me, and I hated him.
What are you talking about?
He was an Albanian double agent.
He had secret information
that threatened the security of our country.
My assignment was to kill him.
And I did a while ago on Seventh Avenue.
( chuckles )
So much for my cover. Your cover?
Doesn't make any difference.
I had to tell you today anyway.
I'm glad.
What are you glad about, Don?
I don't have to lie to you anymore.
Lie?
I'm a CEA agent.
You are a CEA agent.
Then you really did kill someone?
Mm-hm.
It's fascinating, isn't it, Don?
Well, I suppose it's the conditioning
of motion pictures or television,
or perhaps it's the time we live in,
but killing is serious,
and yet this little card somehow makes it less shocking.
And acceptable in a way.
You mean you can actually legally kill someone.
Yeah.
And it bothers me sometimes
because I don't feel guilty about it.
Don't you think that's psychotic behavior?
No, I don't.
No, it explains your utter lack of hostility.
You can vent your aggressive feelings
by actually killing people.
It's a sensational solution to the hostility problem.
Doctor, are you trying to tell me
it's all right to kill people?
It's simply a moral question.
And morality is a social invention.
And in this case society has decided
that it's not only morally acceptable
for certain people to kill other people,
but it's even commendable.
Don, I got to write a paper for the institute on this.
I don't think the CEA would like that.
Oh, yes, the CEA.
I can't imagine why they'd allow an agent to enter analysis.
They didn't allow me. They assigned me.
Assigned you, why?
It's the last phase of a complete rundown
we've been doing on you.
On me? Shall we go for a drive, Sidney,
so we can talk? This place could be bugged.
Bugged? Nonsense, Don.
The sanctity of a psychiatrist's office
is like a confessional.
You know that. Now, why--? Oh, really?
I put this one there myself.
( feedback noise )
God knows what else could be in here.
Shall we go for a drive, Sidney? My chariot awaits.
This is a, uh...
Uh...
( thunder claps )
You're putting me on.
Uh-uh.
The president of the United States?
We only got one.
President, that's fantastic.
Oh.
Well, uh...
look, Don, I don't know how the selection fell upon me,
but analysis is a very personal thing.
I'll have to meet with the president,
we'll have to talk,
much like you and I did when we first met.
Then if we show some rapport, then it's--
No time. It's all been determined.
Dr. Lee-Evans, he's your analyst, right?
Yes, that's right.
But what does that have to do with it?
Most of what you're asking, he can answer better than I.
SIDNEY: What are we doing at the Whitney?
DON: You play the gong, he digs art.
Go ahead, he's waiting for you.
So they finally decided to tell you.
Bunch of damn time-wasters.
You ought to have been with the president three months ago.
But why me, not you?
Look at this thing.
Pile of junk.
Shock you?
No, not shock. Surprise.
No, I think it's a, uh...
A beautiful piece of contemporary sculpture.
That's why you and not me.
I'm just too damned old.
You like this?
Beautiful.
And you think I can handle him?
I've known them all.
Freud, Jung, Wright, Pavlov, Sullivan,
all the old giants.
They were men of their time.
You're a man of your time.
The president's analyst.
Beautiful.
He's a vital man.
You'll need every bit of your strength.
What kind of shape is he in?
There's no manifestation of illness,
no real neurosis,
certainly not psychotic.
Well, then what is it? ( neon sign hums )
Pretty, isn't she? Yes.
The president is overworked, overtired, overburdened.
He needs to talk to someone
outside the stresses of his supercharged life.
He needs to talk to someone
who doesn't want anything from him.
When do I see him?
DR. LEE-EVANS: You leave for Washington tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Well, what about my patients?
It's a little complicated, but I'm taking care of it.
It's certainly an unprecedented opportunity.
I have to admit it. I envy you.
The president.
DR. LEE-EVANS: Goodbye, my son.
SIDNEY: Thank you, sir.
I'm going to walk.
DON: Okay, Sidney, I'll see you tomorrow.
Pick you up around about noon.
Beautiful.
( upbeat jazz theme plays )
Look up ♪
Taste the day ♪
Hear sweet green and see the air clearly ♪
Ready ♪
Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪
Here I am ♪
Over there ♪
Watching me being everywhere ♪
Easy, easy ♪
Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪
Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪
Zooming, swooping ♪
Dashing through the snow ♪
Joy to the world, joy to the world ♪
Hear me ♪
Take a breath, let it go ♪
And drift away, easy ♪
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah ♪
Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah... ♪
( chuckles )
Hey.
Oh, I thought you'd gone.
I'll go if you want me to.
Listen, I never want you to go.
Oh, I'm glad you said that.
But I warn you, I'm a nester.
I have this need to make a nest everywhere I go.
Listen, do you believe in magic?
No. I was analyzed.
I need to take care of a man, to cook, sew, make love,
admire his brains in adoring admiration, be dominated.
I'm a natural-born female slave.
I want to marry you.
No.
Hey. Uh-uh. No fun. I tried it once.
Never again.
Wait. What's the matter with you?
What kind of nut are you, anyhow?
Oh, I'm not a nut.
It's my business to know myself,
which I do, and other people, which I do.
You're my girl. You're my woman.
You're Mrs. Me.
Could be,
'cause I really think I love you right back.
See? But I thought I loved Morton
when I married him.
Morton? I don't trust me any more.
Yeah, well, trust me.
Look it, I... love... you.
And it's my professional opinion that you love me too.
Oh...
Oh, I do love you.
But I'm afraid. No, no.
You're not lying to me, are you? No, no.
If I could take all the things that I am,
all the feelings I have,
all the things that I want
and somehow get them on a computer card,
you would be the answer.
I don't know why or how you've come along
at this particular point in my life.
See, that's the magic part.
I'm not going to let you go.
Marry me.
We could live together for a while,
and if it worked out,
then we could get married.
Okay?
( airplane engine revs down )
What a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Schaefer.
I've admired your paper, "Ego, Superego in Media."
Oh, thank you. Won't you sit down?
Yes. Yes. I am Ethan Allan Cocket,
director of Central Enquiries Agency. Oh, yes.
And this is Mr. Henry Lux,
head of the Federal Board of Regulation.
Oh, well sir, this is certainly an honor--
LUX: I don't hold with this psychiatric mumbo jumbo.
And I don't approve of what my colleague
from the CEA is going to tell you.
But I have been overruled, so I am here.
Dr. Schaefer, before you meet the president,
there are several things we feel you must understand.
The SS.
The what?
S-S.
Security and Safety.
First of all, I want you to know,
that you will be under the protection of the CEA.
Well, thank you very much, sir,
but I hardly feel that's necessary.
Perhaps. But once you've spoken to the president,
you will be in the topmost secret category.
You will be able to impart nothing
of what you may learn to anyone.
Well, Mr. Cocket, that's a condition under which
every psychiatrist meets every patient.
The girl.
I say he don't get the job till he improves his morals.
We've already settled that.
What?
Your, uh, relationship with Miss Butler,
while not particularly bothersome to the CEA,
we have, of course, checked her clearance,
and she's fine, just fine,
does present a problem with our colleagues in the FBR.
Well, now, just a minute.
SIDNEY: While I appreciate the honor of the position offered,
my personal life is my own.
Not anymore, it isn't.
Of course it is.
That's all been taken care of, Dr. Schaefer.
My dear Mr. Lux, no man is an island.
Most of us require the warmth of human companionship.
Poppycock. In any event, it is settled.
Dr. Schaefer may have his lady.
We've taken the liberty of securing
a charming little house in Georgetown
for you and Miss Butler.
Mr. Masters will escort her there now.
LUX: A frivolous, immoral expenditure of taxpayer money.
Well, gentlemen, I can find a place of my own,
and I can certainly pay for it.
However, with all the taxes I pay each--
Yes, well, we've researched your taste,
and I'm sure you'll like this one.
Oh.
Now, as to your office, it's directly below mine.
And at your request, it is bug-proof.
Well, that's a relief.
Now, when can I expect the president?
You don't expect him. He expects you.
The president's schedule is so demanding,
we will be unable to establish
any regular appointment time.
Oh, yes. He'll, uh, send for you
whenever he has an hour.
Your office, my boy. I hope you like it.
Oh, it's--
( alarm beeping )
I've installed signal lights
wherever they might be necessary.
COCKET: We were able to set up this first appointment.
He'll see you now.
Your key.
This time we'll accompany you part of the way.
From here on, my boy, you are on your own.
Oh, yes. Thank you. Now, I, uh--
Oh, yes. Your directions.
Oh, thank you.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Watch your step.
( ceremonious theme playing )
Mr. President.
( triumphant fanfare theme plays )
SIDNEY: Ah, it's beautiful.
COCKET: We knew you'd like it.
Oh, you'll need a car. That's yours.
Oh, marvelous.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much, sir.
Not at all, my boy.
You're very important to all of us, very important.
LUX: Poppycock.
Our nest.
Do you like it?
I love it.
I could live in a packing crate with you.
Sidney,
for a psychiatrist you're a very peculiar man.
What was it like?
Fantastic.
He's really a great man, you know.
You can't believe the--
No. No, I can't tell you about that part.
But it doesn't make any difference.
The parts I can tell you about are fantastic.
That man carries a load that would kill
10 ordinary men, and alone.
Well, now at least he has me to share some of it with.
But you'd think that he'd spend his time
worrying about China or Russia...
Hasn't slept in eight nights worrying about Libya.
Sidney, do you know about politics
and Libya and things like that?
No, I don't have to know about that.
He has political advisors for that.
He has a medical doctor to take care
of his physical needs,
and me to keep his head straight.
And you're going to do it too.
Yeah, you bet I am. Hey. How?
I just keep him from carrying excess anxieties. That's all.
Are they catching? What?
Anxieties.
Not as long as I have you.
( alarm beeps )
What's that all about?
It's him. He needs me.
But you just met with him...
Oh, yes. I know.
I thought psychiatrists had regular hours.
Well, they do, I don't. New rules. I'll see you later.
( ceremonious theme playing )
( tranquil theme playing )
( sighs )
Don.
Oh, I've gotta go.
Look, I'll, uh...
( clears throat )
Wednesday. How's next Wed--?
No, Tuesday. Tuesday. Maybe Tuesday.
Come on!
TOUR GUIDE: ...Truman administration.
Now, if you will step this way,
we will go through the North Portico.
We hope you have all enjoyed
your tour of your White House.
Nan?
She no longer lives here, Dr. Schaefer.
What do you mean, "she no longer lives here"?
I am sorry, my boy.
I'm afraid we have some unpleasant news for you.
Something's happened with Nan?
No, no, no, my boy, it's not that at all.
What is it? It's rather--
Rather a complicated security problem.
It's not complicated at all.
Doctor...
you talk in your sleep.
What do you mean, I talk...?
What does that have to do with Nan?
It appears that when you do talk in your sleep,
you violate the National Security Act.
The Na--?
While the CEA may consider Miss Butler acceptable
at a top security level, the FBR does not.
My God.
How do you know what I say
in the privacy of my own bedroom?
You know, you're doing a marvelous job
with the president.
He looks and sounds 10 years younger.
Thank you, sir,
but I wanna know what you've done with Nan.
At the taxpayers' expense,
we've installed her in a suite at the Shoreham Hotel.
You may continue the relationship,
provided you go there only during
the daylight hours and do not sleep.
Listen to me, my boy. What?
I'm sure by now it must be apparent to you
that there is some strain between the CEA and the FBR.
It's petty nonsense, this rivalry,
but nevertheless it does exist.
Give me a little time to reason with Mr. Lux.
I'm sure we can get you two children
back together again.
Okay, but you get her back here fast, because I need her.
I need her very badly.
( quiet, suspenseful theme plays )
( menacing theme plays )
( alarm beeps )
( tires screech )
( patrons chatter, cocktail music plays )
Tough day?
Listen...
if I were an analyst, which I am,
I would say I was rapidly turning into
a paranoid personality, which I am.
Isn't there an analyst you could go to?
Every other psychiatrist in this country
has another doctor he can talk to.
Not me. Sidney...
The presidency used to be the loneliest job in the world.
Now even he has someone to talk to.
He can talk to me.
I'm here.
We can't even go to bed together.
I talk in my sleep, and they'll arrest you.
Honey, why don't you just quit?
I can't. I know too much.
They'd never let me get away.
They would never let me get away.
You see? I'm paranoid. I am paranoid.
I don't think you're paranoid.
I think you have a firm grasp on reality.
Listen. Shh.
Do you have any idea how badly the Russians and the Chinese
and even the Cubans, for God's sake, want to get a hold of me?
Sidney, you're scaring me.
With what I know, they'll throw me
in one of those brain laundries.
Did you ever hear of Dr. Chen Hu
and his electrodynamic process of thought reform?
Two days.
Two days with him, he'll have every thought in my head
pouring out into those, those tape recorders.
What? Everybody's after me.
Sidney, this is me, Nan.
I've got to get you some help.
They must let you see a doctor.
Help?
Oh.
Phew.
Wait a minute.
No.
No, no, no. You're absolutely right. No.
I've simply and clinically been letting...
my fantasies carry me away, huh?
( giggling ): No, I'm all right.
Or am I?
Why don't I just simply and clinically find out?
( screams )
Oh, I'm shot.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
( heartbeat pulsing )
( eerie theme plays )
( laughs maniacally )
I was right. I'm not paranoid.
They're all spies.
( alarm beeping )
( beeping, heartbeat, eerie theme crescendo )
Aaahh... No!
( grunts )
( dials )
( phone ringing )
Boy, I hope this isn't a wrong number.
No, it's not.
It's me.
Oh, Sidney.
Why, Sidney, what is it? You sound terrible.
Oh, I just...
I just woke up from a dream.
( chuckles )
Shook me a little bit. I dreamt that you were...
( menacing theme rises dramatically, falls )
I, uh, dreamt that...
you weren't here when I woke up.
And when I woke up, you weren't, and...
Well, kiss good night.
( kissing noises )
Oh, Sidney, I miss you,
and I miss our nest,
and, oh, I wish you were a plumber.
Good night, my darling.
( buzzing )
This is Company 32. Scramble and stand by
for tape transmission for Section 12.
NAN: Why, Sidney, what is it? You sound terrible.
SIDNEY: Oh, I just...
I just woke up from a dream.
Shook me a little bit. I dreamt that you were...
( rustling sounds on tape )
I, uh, dreamt that...
you weren't here when I woke up.
And when I woke up, you weren't, and...
Well, kiss good night.
( kissing noises on tape )
( suspenseful theme playing )
( ceremonious theme playing )
TOUR GUIDE: And although the original was burned by the British in 1812,
the White House was fortunate in having a duplicate donated
during the recent redecoration by Mrs. Kennedy.
Now, as we leave the White House...
Now, look, we're in Washington
and we're going to stay in Washington
until we've seen every single national shrine!
Now, shut up!
TOUR GUIDE: ...and next to it, one believed
to be that of President Martin Van Buren.
Hurry along, folks.
Hurry along. Hurry along, folks.
Gee whiz, Dad.
Why can't we take the FBR tour? I wanna see the files.
Sorry, Bing, we've got to get back to New Jersey
as soon as we've finished the White House.
Now, be a good boy and enjoy your heritage.
Look. Now, there's a picture of Andrew Johnson.
See? He's got long hair.
Why can't I let mine grow?
Because I said so, that's why.
Hello there. I wonder if I might talk with you for a moment.
Yes?
Yes, I'm on the president's personal staff.
Did you break anything?
Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.
No, actually it's something quite special.
Oh?
You see, the president likes us
to seek out, uh, tourists
who come through the White House,
a typical American family.
It's sort of a personal,
confidential project of his.
Well, there are all sorts of apparati for polling the public.
The president feels they're all too cold,
you know, too impersonal.
That they don't really contact real people.
So without anyone knowing it, except the people he chooses,
he reaches out to find out what you really think,
what worries you,
what kind of government you really want.
You mean the president is really interested
in what we really think, the Quantrills?
That's right.
Now, if I may, I'd like to stop by the hotel this afternoon
and we can begin the interview.
Oh, well, we were planning to leave for home.
That's Seaside Heights, New Jersey.
We've got a pretty crowded weekend, but of course...
We could-- That's even better.
The president always likes us to conduct our interviews
on the subjects' home ground.
Right. You know, find out his interests,
his hobbies, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
That is, of course,
unless you object to having an overnight guest.
Object?! We'd love it!
I was planning pot roast bourguignon for Saturday.
Would that be all right?
( upbeat brass band music blaring over car stereo )
( shouts ): Total sound!
What?
( giggles ): Oh.
( dogs bark )
( upbeat brass band music continues playing )
( in Russian ): Comrade Ambassador.
I have just been informed that Dr. Sidney Schaefer
has run away from his job as the president's analyst
and is now fair game.
( in Russian ): Wonderful. Bravo.
Kidnap him so that we may transport him safely to Russia
and extract all those beautiful secrets from his head.
( in English ): How do you do, Dr. Schaefer?
I'm Kropotkin, Russian Secret Service.
I won't hurt you.
I come only to do you good
and to transport you to mother Russia
where you will live happily ever after.
Why did you just say that?
Just rehearsing.
( speaking Vietnamese )
...Schaefer...
( speaks Hausan )
...Dr. Sidney Schaefer.
( British accent ): Now see here, chaps,
the PM expects that we, and not anyone else,
shall be the first to abduct Dr. Schaefer.
You understand, of course, that you mustn't hurt him.
After all, the Americans are our allies.
Just, uh, take him quietly,
and we'll ship him off to London in my trunk.
Kill him.
I want him dead.
Dr. Schaefer must die. He knows too much.
We cannot risk some foreign power grabbing him.
You men are the inner defense of our nation.
It is upon your shoulders
that this great responsibility falls.
We do not bear our burden lightly.
With the full knowledge of our responsibility
we must find him...
and in the interest of national security,
kill him.
LUX: Take no chances. Shoot him on sight.
We shall, we must, find Dr. Schaefer.
The nation expects it of us.
Find him.
Kill him.
Think of your mothers,
think of the yet unborn children...
( lowers volume )
Amazing.
Well, we know what we must do.
Obviously we have to beat our colleagues
and the foreign spy services to Dr. Schaefer,
and we must prevent the FBR from assassinating him.
Don, you know him best. I'll leave it in your hands.
You're to take him quietly, if you can.
Of course, you understand if it looks like you'll lose him,
you'll have to kill him.
Yes, sir.
( upbeat brass band music playing )
( shouting ): White House to Quantrills' in five hours,
10 minutes and 51 seconds.
Not bad, if I do say so myself.
You drive too fast!
You're going to get a ticket one of these days...
( shuts off music )
...and that's going to slow you down.
( children laughing and shouting in distance )
Well, there it is.
Typical American home of a typical American family.
Come on in.
Bing, unload the car.
BING: Gee whiz, Dad.
Oh, look at the time.
I'm going to be late for my class.
Honey, have Bing unload the car while I change.
I just did, dear. Geez.
Look real? Yes, yes.
Plastic. Made it in my own workshop.
No.
She's always at me about my driving.
But don't get me wrong.
She's a great wife and a good mother.
( lounge music plays )
Total sound.
Want a draft beer?
Yes.
This class she goes to, what is that?
Her karate class.
Look at this. No decorator. Did it all herself.
Now, getting back to what I was saying about us,
the Quantrills, being liberals.
I meant that we're liberals
in the same tradition as the president.
Did I tell you we voted for him?
Yes.
When I say "liberal," of course,
I don't mean left-wingers or anything like that.
I mean, you know, we're for civil rights.
Yes. Sit down.
We've both done weekend picketing.
As a matter of fact,
we sponsored the Negro doctor and his wife
when they moved into the development.
Well, the president will be very pleased to hear that.
Ah, that's great.
If I do say so, it took a little courage.
Right.
The Bullocks, next door, real right-wingers.
American flag up every day,
real fascists.
Ought to be gassed. You know the type.
Oh, yes.
Mm. Brother, the fight they put up.
But I told them.
These are liberal times.
Hey, Dad. You want the Magnum .357 in the house?
Darn it, Bing.
I told you not to play around with my guns.
No, I do not want that in the house.
That is my car gun.
My house gun is already in the house.
Now, put that right back in the glove compartment,
and don't let me catch you fooling with my guns again.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Great kid.
I thought you said you were an accountant.
I am.
Why do you have all of these guns around, then?
You know...
Honey...
Ooh. Oh. I'm sorry about the silly clothes,
but we take our lessons at the police station
and they don't have facilities for us ladies to change.
( car horn honks )
Oh, now, there are the girls.
Oh, listen, I'll see you guys around 5:00.
I thought that, uh, we could drive into New York tonight
and eat Chinks, okay?
Right.
MOTHER: You'll grow up to be a juvenile delinquent...
Judy, Pat, wait till you hear!
MOTHER: ...do you hear me? If you ever do that again,
I'll break every bone in your body.
( martial arts noise )
You guys won't believe it...
You're kidding!
( indistinct chatter )
( tires screech )
These guns and karate, why?
The right-wing extremists.
Disarm them, and us liberals will disarm.
Right? Right.
Refill?
( eerie theme plays )
Wynn? Hmm?
There's a top-secret telephone call that I simply must make.
Oh, sure, sure.
You have someplace private?
There is a 25-foot extension on this hall phone.
Take it in the powder room, lock the door.
I make a lot of calls from there.
Thank you, Wynn.
OPERATOR: Long distance. ( whispers ): Hello, operator.
I would like to speak with Dr. Stephen Lee-Evans
in New York City at 246-6598.
What's the area code, please?
Oh, uh, no, I don't know the area code number...
OPERATOR: Two-one-two?
SIDNEY: Oh, yes, thank you very much.
I'll try to remember that.
Now, would you please ring me through?
You may dial that number directly.
Huh? Well, yes, I know I can dial it,
but now that I have you,
couldn't you just dial it for me?
( disconnect tone ) Oh.
RECEPTIONIST: Doctor's office. Hello.
This is Dr. Sidney Schaefer.
I'd like to speak with Dr. Stephen Lee-Evans.
Please, it's very urgent.
I'm sorry, the doctor is out.
Well, can he be reached?
I'm sorry, but he--
It's desperate that I reach him.
I'm sorry.
Yes, well, certainly tell him I called.
Tell him that I'm worried.
I'm very worried about the CEA, the FBR-- No, no!
No, don't tell him that.
That's a secret. Nobody's supposed to know that.
No, just forget I said anything about that.
Tell him I'll call him back later. Yes, goodbye.
FBR.
Um, he's gone for a little while.
Where? Chinks.
Don't say "Chinks." Say "Chinese restaurant."
"Chinks" is bigoted.
What Chinese restaurant, son?
In New York. But I don't know which one.
Don't your folks always eat in the same restaurant?
Nope. Mom's a gourmet.
She says there's so many good restaurants,
if they ate in a new one every time they went out,
they still wouldn't get to eat in all the good ones.
And, boy, you know what? What?
Most of them are lousy.
Don't say "lousy." It's impolite.
What'll we do, Sullivan?
I don't know, Carter.
They'll be back before we can hit enough places.
We'd better wait here for them.
You going to kill Dr. Schaefer?
Yes, son. We're going to kill him.
Oh, boy.
JEFF: I just adore Mandarin cooking, don't you?
SIDNEY: Oh, yes.
I mean, the Cantonese is so, well, it's so American.
It's terribly bland.
We have been trying to get a Mandarin chef
to come out to Seaside Heights to teach our ladies' group
because we have simply had it with the French thing.
Do you get Gourmet magazine?
I read the White House copy, yes.
Say, I wonder if it'd be possible
for you to make a phone call for me.
( Jeff gasps )
Muggers!
( gunshot )
( Jeff yells )
( gunshot )
JEFF: I'll take care of this! WYNN: Grab him!
( martial arts noises )
( stirring jazz theme plays )
( gunshot )
( panting )
Oh, peace.
WRANGLER: Hey, peace.
Don't be afraid.
I'm in trouble.
WRANGLER: Most people are.
We saw them chasing you.
First time I ever saw Chinese fuzz.
If I could, uh...
just stay in this, uh...
bus here for a while and rest till I get my... ( panting )
until I get my breath back.
Just one question.
Are you a man of violence?
No. No.
He's pretty. My name is Snow White.
Isn't he pretty, Old Wrangler?
We're all pretty, Snow White.
Look, we're musicians
on our way to the Great Lakes area.
Just finished an engagement here,
we're going to play up there.
You can come with us if you like.
You can sleep in my bed.
( in Russian ): Hey, Kropotkin, my dear old friend.
My compatriot. My competitor.
How are you? How nice to see you!
( in English ): Please, no Russian. I'm spying.
( both laugh )
( in English ): Hi, old buddy, I thought they cycled you
back to Eastern Europe.
They did. But when you guys hired Dr. Schaefer,
they decided I was the one to grab him,
so here I am. Say, uh, how's Pierre?
Didn't you hear?
Oh, no.
( both chuckling )
Easy come, easy go.
Oh.
Tranquilizer. Crude, but effective.
How are you doing on this one?
Same as you.
You know, your Dr. Schaefer's not bad for an amateur.
Wanna make a bet? Depends on the bet.
I bet I find Schaefer before you do.
Okay, it's a bet. How much?
Dinner at Bardil Rifats.
Bardil Rifats? But that's in Albania.
Albania's my next assignment if I don't get Dr. Schaefer.
And if I'm there, the least you could do--
All right, but you'll have to get your side
to leak some information in order to get my side
to send me over.
Well, that's a breeze. I'll see you.
Kropotkin. Yes?
We may both lose.
The FBR has orders to kill him on sight.
Ah, good for them. I see you Americans
are getting a little bit more sophisticated.
Hope you don't mind if I eliminate some of your FBR.
Mind?
Surely you jest.
KROPOTKIN: Later.
Keep the faith, baby.
Dosvedanya.
( psychedelic rock music plays )
( music ends )
I, uh...
I certainly want to tell you how much
I appreciate what you people are doing.
Hey, why not? You know, we're all fugitives here.
We're all seekers.
Hey, you'll be safe with us.
You just stay as long as you like.
Thank you, thank you, I've, uh...
I've gotta think things out.
You know, find a perspective, recover myself.
Well, you know where it's at out there.
It's wrong.
It doesn't work.
Hey, you come explore with us.
Explore?
You know...
the lost innocence...
...the peaceful center.
Aw, hey, where it's at with you, man.
Oh, thank you.
Let's smell the flowers.
( crickets chirping )
( guitar strums )
The changes that keep going down ♪
And they always will ♪
I can get my fill ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
That go round and round ♪
It's all there to see ♪
As they come to me ♪
If I go along with the... ♪
SIDNEY: I'm supposed to know so much.
I feel like I don't know anything.
My whole...
My whole world is out of control, spinning.
Smell the earth.
Isn't it good?
Oh, yes.
Now is pretty.
Love now.
I'm now.
Love me.
The changes that keep going down ♪
The circles, they'll all fall down ♪
Then there's only now ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
That rearrange my mind ♪
It's so strange, my mind ♪
I can change my mind ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
A look at yourself sets you running ♪
Afraid of you who looked at you ♪
A-running ♪
Changes that keep going down ♪
And they always will ♪
I can get my fill ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
That go round and round ♪
It's all there to see ♪
( choking and gasping )
As they come to me ♪
If I go along with the spirals ♪
That circle around ♪
( muffled gasps )
That I, that I just found ♪
Like a silent sound ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
( both grunt )
That rearrange my mind ♪
It's so strange, my mind ♪
I can change my mind ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
A look at yourself sets you running ♪
Afraid of you who looked at you ♪
( bones crack )
A-running ♪
Changes that keep going down ♪
And they always will ♪
I can get my fill ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
That go round and round ♪
Changes that keep going down ♪
The circles, they'll all fall down ♪
Then there's only now ♪
If I go along with the changes ♪
That rearrange my mind ♪
It's so strange, my mind ♪
Oh, it's the Puddlians.
PUDDLIAN: Hey! How you doing? How are you, people?
Hey!
( indistinct chatter )
Hello, man.
Hey, this is the fugitive.
Hi.
He's out of sight, man.
Come on into the dressing room.
Yeah.
OLD WRANGLER: I hear you had a close call in New York
with some tiny teen boppers.
PUDDLIAN: No, it wasn't much, mates.
Some bloody nut threw some LSD in the bleeding fruit punch.
There they were, 1,200 screaming freaked-out freakers.
You wouldn't have some of that good Congo hash
you could trade me for some mighty fine LSD, would you?
Done. Groovy.
Mother's milk.
( fuzz guitar droning )
( The Clear Light's "She's Ready to be Free" playing )
There was a time she needed me to lean on ♪
There was a time, but now it's past and gone ♪
Blue ice cubes? How degenerate.
I'll be proud to see what she's come to be ♪
She's ready to be free, it's too plain to see ♪
She's through needing me ♪
Even though I cry myself to sleep at night ♪
I can't help knowing what was done was right ♪
I hope she knows I'll always be around ♪
If that bird that left the nest ever hits the ground ♪
She's ready to be free, it's too plain to see ♪
She's through needing me ♪
( plays wild guitar solo )
She's ready to be free, it's too plain to see ♪
She's through needing me ♪
( screams )
Oh, it's beautiful.
Somebody put LSD in the fruit punch.
( crowd giggling )
...she needed me to lean on ♪
There was a time, but now it's past and gone ♪
Hey, Kropotkin.
I'll be proud to see what she's come to be ♪
Hey. She's ready to be free ♪
It's too plain to see ♪
She's through needing me ♪
She's ready to be free, it's too plain to see ♪
She's through needing me ♪
( music ends )
( indistinct mumbling )
Hey.
( sighs )
Hey, man, where's your hair?
Now, don't worry, Dr. Schaefer. Nobody's going to hurt you.
You happen to be a very valuable person.
You're not musicians, are you?
Canadian Secret Service.
Canadian spies? ( giggles )
You think it's fun being a silent bleeding partner
in North America?
Coo lummee!
( laughs )
Canadian spies.
Armed with what's in your head,
perhaps we might alter the course of history.
Sullivan, FBR.
Okay. All right. I'm sorry I ran away.
You can take me back to Washington.
Those are not my orders.
Really? You mean, I'm free?
My orders are to kill you.
What? ( pistol clicks )
Valentine.
Valentine!
Got any Magnum .44s?
There's some on the boat.
Too late for that.
I promised Helen I wouldn't work late.
SULLIVAN: Give me your gun.
VALENTINE: Uh-uh. It's against regulations.
Field Manual C, page 112.
Paragraph heading "License to Kill,"
subparagraph three.
Sorry, Sullivan, but rules are rules. You know that.
All right. If it wouldn't be inconvenient,
would you please get me some Magnum .44s?
Sure, Sullivan, I'll go get them.
After all, I'm just a squire.
You're the knight. You have the license to kill.
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, here.
Wait. I'm...
I'm a citizen of the United States of America.
I haven't broken any laws.
Look, I just don't wanna be the president's analyst anymore.
Mr. Sullivan, look. I didn't do anything.
You can't just go around shooting people like this.
We've laws.
There's a Constitution that prevents you
from going around killing people.
Look, look, look... I haven't done anything.
Look, I don't know what you did. Nothing.
I don't know what you didn't do.
All I do is follow orders.
I didn't do anything.
That's the whole-- I didn't do anything.
Mr. Sullivan, you don't understand.
I am a psychiatrist.
I work in Washington.
I had a little nervous breakdown and ran away.
That's all that's happened. There's a mistake here.
No. No mistakes!
The FBR does not make mistakes.
They're making a mistake this time.
These are my orders right here.
Signed by Henry Lux himself.
Boy, I'd sure like to keep this.
Henry Lux himself.
But I've gotta turn this in with your prints and picture
after I shoot you.
Regulations. Too bad too.
Boy, would this be great to show my grandchildren, huh?
Henry Lux himself.
And with my name right at the top of the paper.
Makes you want to bend a regulation just once in a while.
Yes, bend them. Break them!
Look, take me back to Washington.
I'll prove to you it's all a mistake.
No.
It's all a big mistake, please. No, no, no.
Rules are rules. Rules are rules.
Where is that idiot? Rules?
Valentine! Rules!
Valentine!
Oh, get me out...
( struggling )
Rules. Oh, gosh, I gotta get...
( splash )
It's all right. You're all right.
The FBR, the bullets, the gun. Calm down, he's dead.
He's dead.
It's all right. It's okay. You're safe.
Oh, forgive me.
Permit me to introduce myself. I am Kropotkin.
Komitat Gosudarstvennoi Bezopasnosti.
Russian Secret Service.
( bell rings )
Bureaucrats, they're all alike.
They make life impossible for an honest citizen,
but a pleasure for a spy.
Take that little beast
who just tried to assassinate you, hm?
He made it unnecessary
for me to go through the painful motions
of really kidnapping you.
Sometimes I thank God for the FBR.
You have to forgive me.
I just don't understand all of the...
Ah, now, then, my dear Dr. Schaefer.
You are about to defect to Mother Russia.
I am? Of course.
Defect? Logic is on our side.
This isn't a case of a world struggle
between two divergent ideologies
or different economic systems.
Every day, your country becomes more socialistic,
my country becomes more capitalistic.
Pretty soon we'll meet in the middle and join hands.
No, my dear doctor,
you're going to defect because you want to live.
Defect.
How? How? How?
This ship is a marvelous way to travel.
The Canadian Secret Service
have rendered her officially, uh, invisible.
And, uh...
Hmm.
I suggest a leisurely cruise along the Great Lakes.
Up the Saint Lawrence Seaway,
and then out to the Newfoundland coast
to meet one of our trawlers.
Of course, if you prefer,
I could arrange for a submarine,
but personally I find... submarine travel...
tedium.
Tedium.
( grumbles )
Tedium.
Let's, uh... Tedium.
Yes, very nice Russian spy.
I wanted to take a cruise from him.
( sings lullaby melody ): Tedium ♪
Tedi-da-da-dee-dee-dee ♪
Tedium ♪
Tedium-tum-tum-tum ♪
( humming )
( lullaby theme playing )
( grunts )
( chuckles )
Krop... Krop...
Krop...
Good morning, Mr. Krop--
Kropotkin.
Morning. It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
Yes. Yes, it's, uh, brisk.
The sea. I love the sea.
If for some reason I couldn't be a spy,
I think I'd like to be a sailor.
What is it you love about the sea?
KROPOTKIN: The sea?
The sea, my friend, is freedom. Look at it. No boundaries.
Here a man's destiny is his own.
It's man against the elements.
When I'm at sea, suddenly I feel like a giant.
And yet, you chose to be a spy.
Well, don't you find that curious?
Not at all.
Aside from the difference in, well, status,
they're really very much the same thing.
The last refuge of the incurable romantic.
Well, this, uh, spying, are you good at it?
If you will forgive my towering immodesty, I am very good at it.
Like my father before me.
So your...
Your father was a spy?
Oh, not "was," is.
He's the head of the foreign section,
central office, Moscow.
He's a very powerful man.
Really?
And your mother? Dead.
Purge of 1937. She was a revisionist.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's all right. It's not your fault.
Hm.
Well, your father, now, is he a, uh... a good spy?
Good? He is the very best. Ruthless, cunning.
You know,
I've often thought that if he had
just that much more ambition,
he could have been the premier of Russia.
Is that why you gave up your ambition
to be a sailor and became a spy?
Because your father was a spy?
I told you.
The last refuge of the incurable romantic.
Who arrested your mother in 1937?
My father. Ruthless.
Well, what was, uh...?
What was she like?
My mother?
She was warm and old-fashioned. You know,
a typical revisionist.
I mean, what did you feel about her?
I hated her.
You know...
I'll bet I can tell you
the exact moment that you gave up
the idea of being a sailor and became a spy.
Really? That's fascinating. When?
When they arrested your mother.
That's right.
How did you know that?
You really love your father, don't you, Kropotkin?
Love? That's hardly the word.
The man is a colossus. He's Peter the Great.
He's Ivan the Terrible.
You have to see him to believe him.
And you probably will see him.
Sort of a "super dad," huh? Yeah.
You hate him, right?
Yeah, I hate him. No, I love him.
A Freudian slip.
You have said aloud, probably for the first time in your life
that you hate your father.
But this is fascinating.
What else do you read in my character?
Mr. Kropotkin, we'd better stop.
I can only deal in the truth.
And the kind of truth that we have to deal with
can be devastating to a personal façade
as carefully erected as your own.
Please, I insist. This amuses me.
I must insist.
We were talking about my feelings for my father.
We were saying something about how I may or might not
love my father as much as I should, or could.
Kropotkin, you call yourself a free man?
You're probably the least free man I've ever met in my life.
You hate your father so much you couldn't even say it just now.
Why should I hate my father?
Because you loved your mother,
and he killed her, for one reason.
For another, you've lived in abject fear
of the man all your life.
He killed her, why shouldn't he kill you?
But if I hate my father...
why did I choose to become a spy?
Well, since you were afraid to rebel against him,
you chose the one thing
that you knew would earn the most approval from him.
You chose to be like him.
That's true.
You must be a very unhappy man.
( sighs )
I do.
I hate my father.
Good.
I hate him.
I hate my father.
Bravo!
I, V.I. Feodor Kropotkin, hate my father.
Ay, me.
All my life I've been miserably unhappy.
But I always thought it was my Russian soul.
No, not your soul, your neuroses.
I'm sick? Oh, yes.
There's a cure? Yes.
You could cure me. Probably, yes.
But you won't. I can't. There's no time.
How much time?
Oh, three, possibly seven years.
I gotta think about something. Of course.
Dr. Schaefer? Yes?
Will you take me as a patient?
Well, I don't know what'll happen to me
when I go to Russia.
I doubt very much whether your father would approve that.
Russia?
What's a man like you doing going to Russia?
It's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't want to live there.
I know. I've lived there.
( chuckles )
KROPOTKIN: Would you care to go for a short drive on the lake?
I'd be delighted.
Before we can deal with my problem,
which is very important,
we have to secure your safety, That's true.
...also very important. Right.
Go back to Washington and continue to treat the president.
Are you mad? That's impossible.
The FBR's trying to kill me.
You know the president.
Do you think he'd condone something like that?
No, no, no. It's not in his character.
But what about them?
Well, then obviously it's being done behind his back
and without his knowledge. Yes.
But how does that help me?
I can get you safely back to Washington.
Tell the president.
You'll be okay, you'll be safe.
I can. I can do it.
If I can just beat the loneliness of the job.
You have Nan, don't you?
I even began to think she was a spy.
She is. CEA. Her clearance is as high as yours.
What? Are you sure?
Of course, I've worked with her.
I can talk to her? Of course.
Why didn't they tell me? Bureaucrats.
What? Bureaucrats!
OPERATOR: Long distance.
Hello, operator, this is Dr. Sidney Schaefer.
I'd like to speak to the president
of the United States at the White House, Washington D.C.
Do you have the area code?
No, I don't know the area code.
202. 202, area code 202. Yes.
Now, would you please connect me?
What is the area code, please?
Oh, for heaven's sake. Area code 202.
Thank you. What is the calling party's name?
Thank you, operator. It's Dr. Sidney Schaefer.
Will you hold on, please?
Yes, I'll hold on.
Frustrating, isn't it?
I had a situation like this once in Bessarabia.
But with the Inter-Arabian Phone Company, you expect it.
Operator. Yes, operator?
Are you holding? Yes, I'm still holding.
Thank you.
You know, the one thing that I learned from my patients,
they all hate the phone company.
It's interesting.
Even the stockholders of the phone company
hate the phone company.
I know.
Bedouins hate the phone company.
As a matter of fact, I've never been in a country
where everybody didn't hate the phone company.
Isn't that fascinating? Operator.
Yes. Yes, operator? Are you holding?
Yes, well, I'm still hanging on here. Uh-huh.
We're doing our best.
Yes, operator, I'm sure you're doing your very best.
But this is a very urgent call. It's a matter of life and--
( disconnect tone ) Hello?
I don't have any more change. Do you have...?
Beautiful.
The number you have reached has been disconnected.
Operator? Hello?
Please be sure you are dialing the correct number.
This is a recording.
( dials )
( tapping )
Can you...?
Look, I'll go back to that store,
and I'll get a pocketful of change.
Now, you wait here.
If that foolish coin of yours drops, try again.
Yes.
And please, be nice to the operator.
Oh, yes, I will. The area code is 202.
Uh-huh. I know. Would you repeat that?
202.
Yeah, well, hurry back.
( coin drops in phone )
( dial tone )
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
( dial tone ends )
( groans )
Let me out of here.
( helicopter whirring in distance )
What took you so long?
I had to stop for gas.
Where's the good doctor?
He's gone.
I thought you took him.
Uh-uh.
What do you think?
Well, you didn't take him, and we certainly didn't...
...but, uh...
Looky here.
It wasn't one of those pushy new countries either,
because whoever took him
was very sophisticated and dangerous.
They took the whole booth.
Who knew he was here? Only you and me.
And you only knew because I called you from town.
And your phone's not tapped.
No, but this booth was.
Are you trying to tell me
that every phone in the country is tapped?
That's what's in my head.
Don, this is America, not Russia.
What do you want from me?
But who could...
Who?
( suspenseful theme plays )
( computers beeping )
( phone rings )
Hello? MAN: Hi, there.
Glad to have you aboard, Dr. Schaefer.
Aboard?
We're mighty sorry about any trouble or inconvenience
we might have caused you,
but I know, once we've explained our problem,
you'll understand.
Where is this?
I mean, where am I?
Who are you?
How about that.
I forgot to introduce myself.
My name is Arlington Hewes. I'm president of TPC.
TPC? The Phone Company.
The Phone Company?!
Doctor, do you have any idea how much your phone company
spends each year just on maintenance?
No, I've never really thought about that.
Well, I guess many people don't.
But those billions of miles of wire
and all those exchanges...
Why, just the maintenance
on our thousands of offices and buildings...
And that's not even to mention our rolling stock--
the cars and trucks, the airplanes and satellites.
And then all those fine people
who are actually on the payroll to take care of all that.
Now, wouldn't it be just grand
if we could get rid of that old-fashioned hardware?
What's this about?
And there's another thing
that's going to come as a surprise to you.
There are quite a few people
who actually dislike The Phone Company.
Why have you kidnapped me?
And because of this irrational dislike
of their own publicly-owned company,
they often don't pay their bills
and sometimes even damage the equipment.
Would you look over here, doctor?
Now, to look at that hand,
you'd never dream you're also looking
at a miracle in modern communications, would you?
Well, sir, let's take a closer look.
Thanks to the science of microelectronics,
you are looking at a complete telephonic
receiver and transmitter.
We call it the Cerebrum Communicator
or the CC for short.
This dandy little device can actually perform every function
of the old-fashioned telephone and more.
And it does it without any costly maintenance.
Without telephone poles, without wires,
without exchanges,
without anything in fact, except
another CC in another location.
And now you're probably wondering,
"Why have we made it so small?"
Because it will be in and powered by your own brain.
Fantastic? Well, not quite, no.
We merely inject the CC into that part of the bloodstream
which leads directly to the brain.
Technically speaking for you doctors,
we inject the CC into the internal carotid artery.
The bloodstream carries it directly to the cerebrum
where it lodges comfortably in the anterior central gyrus,
which for us laymen is simply that part of the brain
where intellectual associations take place.
Can you imagine the ease,
the fun, with which you can place a call?
Why, all you have to do is think the number of the person
you wish to speak with,
and you're in instant communication,
anywhere in the world.
Would you like, uh, an opinion of a qualified psychiatrist
on all that I've just seen and heard?
Yes, sir, I sure would, sir. We're always interested
in the opinions of qualified people.
I mean, after all it's your phone company too.
You're a megalomaniac,
and The Phone Company is psychotic.
Getting back to our problem--
we realize the public has a misguided
resistance to numbers. For example, digit dialing.
They're resisting depersonalization.
And so Congress will have to pass a law
substituting personal numbers
for names as the only legal identification
and requiring a prenatal insertion
of the Cerebrum Communicator.
Now, then a communications tax could be levied and paid
directly to The Phone Company.
It'll never happen. Well, it could happen, you see,
if the president of the United States
were to use the power of his office
to help us mold public opinion
and get that legislation.
And that's where I come in?
Yes, that's where you come in.
Because you are in possession of certain personal information
concerning the president
which would be of immeasurable aid to us
in dealing with him.
Well, you will get not one word from me.
Oh, I think we will.
( machine droning )
( droning builds in intensity )
( heartbeat pulsing )
If they got him, and I believe they got him,
that is where they got him.
Beautiful building. Well-lit too.
KROPOTKIN: Designed in 1963 by Ikiru Matsumoto.
Very good. Not so good.
It's in their annual statement.
I'm a stockholder.
Uh-uh.
Isn't going to be easy to crack.
Easier than you think.
Just turn the beams back on themselves,
and we can walk right through.
( beams hum )
Annual statement?
No, Moscow briefing.
Very good indeed.
What now?
We blow the main power supply.
Okay, what kind of time does that give us
before the emergency power comes on?
Ten, maybe 12 minutes. We gotta rush.
If we don't, what?
We gotta kill our way out, okay?
Shall we rescue our doctor?
Yeah. If I don't resume my analysis pretty soon,
I'm going to flip out.
Go ahead.
( explosion )
DON: Remind me to tell you about our explosives
in the Pushkin High Dam at Volgograd.
Amazing, the Pushkin Dam has our tightest security.
We gotta take a chance.
Are you mad? That's our analyst in there.
You could kill him with that.
DON: What else are we going to do?
The power's coming back on in a minute.
We gotta get him out.
Well, okay. Try it.
But if you kill him, we're both going to be very unhappy.
Mm-hm.
( rumbling )
Come on, Sidney, let's travel.
What? No, no, no, not yet.
I've gotta destroy this place.
We've gotta destroy everything in it.
Can't do that.
This is the master control for the telephone company
for the entire nation.
You blow up this building,
they won't have phone service for a month.
Can't do it Wreck the economy.
No. No, we've gotta do something.
We've gotta get out before the lights come on.
That's what we gotta do.
No, no. Now, listen. Listen.
I'm your doctor. Trust me.
It's vital that we make the public hate The Phone Company.
I mean really hate it.
You sure you're all right, Sidney?
Yes. Yes. Now, I can't explain all the details right now,
but, not only America, but the whole world depends
on what we do here right now.
Believe me.
I believe you, even if I am a stockholder.
Me too. Kropotkin, you've been briefed on this place.
What can we do?
I can implement plan Rasputin.
Rasputin, what's that?
It's an emergency plan
to disrupt communications in America.
If I can get into the main communicator,
I can make every phone in America go crazy.
It'll take them months to straighten it out.
How's that, doctor?
Perfect. Great.
The lights are going to come on now before we can get out.
You hold them off while I finish.
No.
Look, you wanna save the world?
You're the great humanitarian?
Take the gun.
Welcome to the club.
By golly, Dr. Schaefer,
we sure wish you hadn't gotten out of that booth.
Oh, and you have company.
Well, I hope you understand that we have to deal
quite harshly with intruders.
Now, it's not the intention or the policy of The Phone Company
to deal harshly with anyone.
But there are certain circumstances
when even your phone company
finds it must take certain steps... ( metal clangs )
( tape recorder winds )
Oh, you have company.
He's a recording.
It's like a visit with Abe Lincoln in Disneyland.
...deal quite harshly with intruders.
It's not the policy or intention of The Phone Company
to deal harshly with anyone.
But there are certain circumstances in which we--
WOMAN OVER SPEAKER: Warning, extreme emergency.
( gunshots )
Come on, Sidney!
Warning, extreme emergency.
Now, look, just pull this.
( gunshots )
Save your ass!
Extreme emergency.
Warning, extreme emergency.
( machine buzzes )
Warning, extreme emergency.
Extreme emergency.
Warning, extreme--
( explosion )
Take that, you hostile son of a--
( ceremonious theme plays )
Joy to the world ♪
( doorbell buzzes )
The Lord is come ♪
Let Earth receive her king ♪
Let every heart ♪
Prepare him room ♪
Merry Christmas! Oh, hello.
( laughs )
( alarm beeps )
...and heaven, and heaven and nature sing ♪
( laughing )
Hey, Kropotkin! Don, how are you?
Oh, look at you.
Merry Christmas! Nanotchka, merry Christmas.
Keep your hands off of that woman.
Hi, Sidney. Hi, Sidney.
Kropotkin, welcome home. Thank you.
Give me a little of that. Hey, listen.
Listen, you'll never guess why
I'm so late getting home from the office.
The president suddenly had to change his hour to a later one.
In order to have a secret meeting
with the representatives of The Phone Company.
Who are at this very moment
showing him the TPC top-secret plan
for better service and lower rates.
NAN: In an effort to bolster their ever-sagging public image.
Uh-huh. Well, you live with spies,
you've got no secrets.
From Russia with love. Here, caviar, beluga.
ALL: Ahh!
Champagne, Lithuanian. Huh?
Well, congratulate me.
Congratulations! For what?
It was in my evening report. He's now a major general!
Major gen-- Oh, that's beautiful.
But there is one thing that you do not know.
What's that?
I caught my father dealing with Red China.
I'm now the head of the foreign section.
Sensational!
DON: So how come he's getting healthier than me, huh?
KROPOTKIN: I'm all right.
Interpersonal relationships are better.
SIDNEY: I think it's time we started considering group therapy.
DON: All right... KROPOTKIN: Let's get drunk.
Joy to the world ♪
The Lord is come ♪
Let Earth receive her king ♪
Let every heart prepare him room ♪
And heaven and nature sing and heaven and nature sing ♪
And heaven, and heaven and nature sing ♪
Joy to the world ♪
The Lord is come ♪
Joy to the world ♪
The Lord is come ♪