This is the headquarters...
of an Italian mega company in the 80's.
The crisis of the country and the galloping devaluation...
have finally generated in the white-collar class...
a new, incredible, morbid attachment to work.
- Hold the safety net! - The nets!
- I'm done! - We are done!
- Bye, guys! - See you on Monday.
What's up, accountant? How are you doing?
- Everything okay? - Wait... It's working.
I only have a very slight discomfort in my knees.
- Knees. - Okay.
A ticket!
- Here, good woman. - But I'm your wife, Ugo.
Sorry, Pina, I didn't recognize you.
Just kidding.
- Why did you come? - I came to get you.
It's been a long time since we went to the movies or window shopping.
To the movies or window shopping? You've gone crazy.
Come on, let's go home. Quickly!
Come on or I will lose everything. Come on, quick!
Every night, the inhabitants of the city had, like Fantozzi,
the same frenetic urge to go back home.
An empty space! It's mine!
- Excuse me, but I'm in a hurry. - Good day, how are you?
- I pass on the roof on your car. - Sure, go ahead.
- See you tomorrow. - Goodbye!
Make way!
Pina, the keys!
Come on!
- Excuse me, madam. - What manners!
The keys! Holy shit!
Give me the keys.
You should have given them ready. Where is the right one?
You have to put something to recognize it, color them. Paint them!
It's Mariangela, Ugo, our daughter.
Just kidding, I did it to amuse the little girl.
- Careful, I've waxed the floor! - You could have warned me!
Where is that thing?
I need it.
It was here... It has always been here.
Here it is!
Fantozzi, like many other unlucky people,
had been crushed by a new mortal enemy,
the remote control.
He was now, like everyone else, a remote control addict.
During a terrible withdrawal,
had also established the new condominium record,
380 channel changes in 26 seconds flat.
- Stop it! - Leave it!
- I'll throw it out the window! - I'll kill you!
Better death!
Shall I bring it back?
At a certain time of night, families retire defeated.
It is the critical hour, the hour of "Forbidden",
of "Oralchannel" and "Super Porn Show".
Wait.
I'll put it here for you.
How nice!
Go... Go...
I'll give you my hand.
What a girl!
- Take off your panties! - Ugo!
Pina!
I wouldn't want you to think that me and this young lady...
Who is he? Here...
As you see, I was saying the evening prayers
with this priest.
I have been watching him and he says interesting things.
This priest really makes miracles.
Pina, you know what?
Tonight I feel a strange fire inside.
If we go to the other room you know what I'll do?
I'll split you in two like an apple!
- Yes! - No! Don't do that.
It doesn't change.
What the...
The skiing week was one of the most tragic mandatory retreat
of Fantozzi and of his unlucky colleagues.
Prudently, this time, they had enrolled in September,
but their turn was still mid-May of the following year,
almost at the beginning of the summer.
- Fantozzi isn't here yet? - Not yet and we have 1 minute left.
He is always the same. If he doesn't come, it's better.
- But he paid his part... - Here he is!
Where is he?
So, gentlemen, get in!
We're finally leaving.
Slowly, one at a time, let's not do as usual.
- Hurry up, Sweetcheeks! - Is he deaf too?
- Excuse me, where are the sleepers? - Further ahead.
Where?
Come on!
Sir, come up from here.
It is leaving, come on.
- My friends are there. - You'll join them on the train.
- I'll take care of it. - Be careful with my skis.
Don't worry.
The helmet is very heavy!
I'll throw this one.
Sorry, I lost some sensitivity in my feet.
- Finally! Here he is. - Fantozzi, where have you been?
- I will tell you later. - Be careful. Be careful...
- I knew it. - Sorry, I didn't do it on purpose.
Easy!
- Please! - All right...
Sorry.
Sweetcheeks, we have already been to the restaurant car.
- I'm going there, I'm very hungry. - It's closed now.
- You don't eat anymore. - Yeah!
- Is it closed? - Yes.
But there's a station, I'm safe.
I would like a basket, please.
- Can I have a basket? - Right away, sir.
- How much is it? - 9.000.
Wait.
- Do you have change for 50,000 lire? - Sure.
Thank you.
Give me the change, I'm afraid it's going to leave.
- Let's go. - Will you give it to me, please?
It is leaving! Give it to me!
Give it to me...
Ten to you, ten to me.
Ten to you, twenty to me.
For 50,000 lire he bought: a plastic fork,
a small plastic knife, plastic toothpicks,
a plastic cup and a chicken wing.
Made of plastic.
And a rotten apple.
- Easy... Easy! - The hand!
But what manners are these?
If you let me pass...
The foot!
This is my bunk.
What an effort!
It's really comfortable here.
I'm going to take these boots off.
Sleep tight, I'll wake you half an hour before Ortisei.
There wasn't much to rest easy about.
Filini was a heavy sleeper.
But even more feared was Mr. Calboni because of an ailment
by the scientific name of "ventilatio intestinalis putrens".
The air immediately became unbreathable.
What a stench!
Sweetcheeks, go to the toilet instead of plaguing us with these winds.
You bragged about having participated in farting competitions...
Me? What are you saying?
Fantozzi, we can't breathe anymore.
- Go outside to pass air. - You are wrong.
- Go outside, go! - That's a mistake.
- Please, go out! - Go!
- Calboni always bragged about it.... - You should have taken a single.
Go out! We can't resist!
- Get out! - He's such a pig.
- A pig? - You're a pig.
But it's you, Calboni....
One can hardly breathe here and he kills us with his gas!
Fantozzi was readmitted to the group only the next morning,
when they got in the little train of Val Gardena.
- Here is the snow! - Down, guys.
I'd like to make snowballs.
I want to make a snowman.
Excuse me, Filini, where is the snow?
Don't you read the sign? Ortisei.
There is always snow in Ortisei. Now the bus will take us to the snow.
The Filini organization is always perfect.
- Filini! - Who is he?
- It's him, this gentleman. - Yes.
May I? Mr. Silvio Filini.
- Are you from Italy? - Aren't we in Italy here?
Yes, we left last night, didn't you know we were coming?
Yes, but with you Italians you can't be sure of anything. To your places!
Excuse me, professor, don't you know where the snow is?
You ask a stupid question.
Snow doesn't wait for the Italians.
Instead of snow, smart alternative vacations.
You can do rock climbing if you like it,
or get to know the folklore of South Tyrol
or take a slimming cure in our famous clinic.
You Italian mafia people always eat spaghetti.
- And for skiing... - No skiing!
Don't make a fuss, Italian! Alternative vacations I said!
After a horrible night full of doubts
spent deciding on alternative vacations,
the group divided according to tastes and trends.
Calboni, Colzi and Filini opted for a rock climbing class.
- Where do I attach myself? - Come on!
Calboni was imprudently placed at the head of the line.
Excuse me.
Fantozzi, who promised Pina to lose at least 5 kg by skiing,
decided for the weight loss. He had himself admitted
in the local state-of-the-art clinic to follow the famous diet
of Professor Birkermaier of the University of Hyena.
11!
182!
It's very nice here.
It's cheerful, I like it. Did you open a long time ago?
What...
I'm hungry!
One piece of bread!
What is it? Where are you taking me?
Professor Birker.
Welcome to your new home.
- Thank you, Professor Birker. - Birkermaier!
Excuse me, since I have not had breakfast yet,
what does the diet consist of... - Nothing, 20 days of fasting.
No eating, no drinking.
What? No eating? Excuse me, Professor Birkermaier!
Then what is that toilet for?
On the sixth day of treatment, Fantozzi was too tired.
Hey, you, "Mafia, spaghetti", how are you doing?
Good, professor.
When did you stop eating spaghetti?
I can't remember anymore.
- Six days? - Six.
Very good!
To make a good cure, it takes great willpower!
- All right, professor. - And who has no willpower...
Watch.
Mercy!
To develop a great will power,
I invite every evening one of your comrades to my dinner.
I eat, he watches.
He watches, I eat.
Who touches the food... Kaput!
He didn't resist.
He stole and ate a crumb of bread that was on my tablecloth!
But I did see... I mean...
Do you want to be my guest tonight?
Thanks, but tonight I have a commitment with an aunt of mine.
You write his name.
What name should he write? No, I...
Come in.
- Professor. - Come in.
Sit.
Please, be seated.
- Where are you sitting? - Where you told me.
Here.
You said...
What's good tonight?
What's good?
Bavarian meatballs!
Made of potatoes,
flour, spices...
Too bad you can't eat them.
Four kinds of meat, ham,
cheese, eggs...
Do you remember your comrade who ate?
A little bit.
It melts in your mouth.
Look.
One bite, one meatball,
a meatball, a glass of vi...
Wine of the Rhi...
Rhine Valley.
Wine of the Va...
Of the Rhine!
Wine...
- Are you eating? - No.
You are eating? Nurses!
Nurses, he is eating!
He is eating everything! He is eating!
Italy-Argentina. It is the rematch of the World Championship.
A Wednesday, one month later,
all devices were tuned to a single channel
for the chronicle of the rematch
between Italy and Argentina. Fantozzi was in the front line.
Armchair, table set in front of the TV,
flannel robe, spaghetti being cooked,
cold beer and burps all night.
Pina, bring them to me al dente!
If Bettega plays well, they're screwed.
Then there are Cabrini, Causio doing tricks,
and then there is Benetti who is a beast.
So many! Alright, from tomorrow I'll go on a diet.
What is that smell?
It's my new perfume, "Temptation".
A new perfume? You've never used perfume in your life.
You have to start with something.
What are you talking about? Are you stupid?
Careful, throw!
You consumed liters of lavender when you had your things...
What did you do with your hair?
For this hairstyle, which is called Slap,
I spent 2 hours at the hairdresser's.
Undo it then, because you don't even look like a human being. Go!
What's he doing? Has he gone mad?
Ugo, I have to tell you something important.
No! Don't tell me who won!
It's not that, it's something more important.
- Penalty kick against Italy! - At least for me.
This penalty kick could be the turning point of the match.
- Ugo, please. - Penalty against Italy.
- It's really important. - Penalty against Italy! No!
Ugo, you cannot imagine how important it is.
He takes a run-up...
- Saved! - That's it!
Kempes, he saved it!
And now listen to me.
This is really important, Ugo!
I'll give you a 20 second audience, talk.
I fell in love with another man!
Now you've said it, go, there's the game.
Give me a break. Causio's tunnel! These assholes...
At the 21st minute of the second half, Fantozzi finally realized.
And you tell me like this, for fuck's sake?
That you fell in love with someone else?
Pina, I'm going to kill you!
What are you doing here? Actually, I'll kill you both.
I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill myself...
You know what I do? I'll kill myself.
So I want to see how you will provide for yourselves...
Pina, call an ambulance.
I stabbed myself with a fork.
No, Ugo, it is useless to make up things to impress me,
I love him anyway.
And I think our story is now over.
Careful, I've already separated the beds!
Fantozzi argued with his wife all night long.
At the end, he decided to stay calm and be civil.
Eventually, everyone will know and they'll make fun of me.
I'll have to change neighborhoods, cities, friends.
- Cuckold! - Sorry, how do you know that?
I just do.
- Good morning, Fantozzi. - Good morning.
- How are you? - Very well.
Let's hope the day won't betray us!
If you feel like mocking, it's not the day.
What's wrong with you? What's going on?
Sweetcheeks, let's get something to eat.
- Let's have a cheat meal! - No!
The pin!
I'm not buying you anything, go eat your cheat meal!
- What's wrong with him? - He's nervous, let's go.
Indeed.
Hello, Pina? The thing is already known around the city
and everyone here already knows.
Tell me who it is.
Pina, don't piss me off. I want to know who your lover is.
Pina, I'm going to quit my job and I'll show you....
Hello, Pina!
What the..
Fantozzi decided to find out by himself.
Ugo, I am going.
Are you coming back?
- I'm just going grocery shopping. - Okay.
He took a day off, waited for Pina to go out
and started searching the house looking for a small clue,
a letter, a photograph.
At this point, he had a little suspect.
BAKERY
- Take that, blondie! - And give me a pound of sugar.
Sure, you know who you remind me of? Donatella Rettore,
the singer of "Splendido splendente".
Morning! Did you do your hair double face?
Beautiful lady, what can I give you? Do you want a little bit,
or do you want the whole thing?
It's over ten pounds, should I put it inside?
If you come back in the afternoon,
I'll make you a special bread roll. Bread for your teeth.
I'll come back in the afternoon. Is 5:00 fine?
For you, the special baguette is always there.
I am diabolical in intercourse,
disproportionate in terms of the dimensions of sex
and if I find the right woman...
It was Cecco, the nephew of the baker.
He was a hideous 26-year-old with acne,
with a very low ass and terrible breath, like a Calcutta sewer.
Dad, you don't watch TV anymore?
- I'm tired of life by now. - What are you doing? Do you smoke?
Yes, and I also drink.
- What is it? - A tooth.
- Where is Mommy? - Mommy must have gone out to buy....
Some bread.
Honey, sit next to your father.
Honey, by now you're a big...
You are a big girl.
If mommy, who is as good as bread, should leave us,
what will become of us? - Don't worry, daddy.
We'll be together all our lives,
just you and me.
When the pain became unbearable,
he decided to end it all.
Oh God, he'll kill him. Oh my God!
Can I talk to you man to man?
You must...
You must explain...
Here.
- You must explain... - Uncle takes care of the tabs.
All right.
- Excuse me... - Who are you?
I am Mr. Fantozzi,
husband of Mrs. Pina Fantozzi.
He's the one of the 700,000 liras debt.
What are you doing with all that bread?
Ask your nephew.
You are chasing after my lady.
- Which lady? - My wife.
- Your wife? - Yes.
You're the monster collector!
The one with the small monster and the bigger one.
You must be satisfied of having completed such a collection.
Bravo! Everyone here is talking about you.
When you enter the courtyard, everybody say: "Fantozzi! Fantozzi!"
We thought that the lady worked at the circus.
The only thing you can do is a trip to Lourdes.
All three! Take a bath in the pool
and wait for the miracle. - But... then...
- You won't take her away from me. - Away?
The garbage men could take her away if you leave her in the trash.
It's the only chance because with you fate has been really mean.
Thank you.
So, you are a witness.
We agree, he's not taking her away.
- What the fuck are you saying? - What?
They don't understand who she is, they don't know her.
Do you have a picture? Get a picture of the monster, take it out.
- Of my wife? - Yes.
Give these people a good laugh.
They never have any fun, always closed in their shell.
Show the picture of the monster, come on!
Here, we took this one in Riccione.
Look! Do you know what this is?
The synthesis of disgrace, the apotheosis of crap.
Watch and laugh a little you too who never laugh.
Come on, here.
- Give me the picture. - Show it to him.
Come on, show her.
- It's a piece of crap. - Give me the picture.
He took it back.
Since your wife likes baguettes,
take her this too.
You understand absolutely nothing about women!
She is beautiful
and I will never buy bread from you again.
- Fantozzi? - Yes?
Thank you.
I talked to that young man.
I had a very civil interview.
We had an exchange of views
and he was very understanding.
Poor guy! He fell in love like a beast.
He's crazy about you.
He finds you a beautiful woman. Very sexy!
You were very liked by all of his friends.
They think you're amazing.
Now he's...
He would also be willing to give up
because he doesn't want to ruin a family.
However, as you well understand,
the last decision is yours.
What will you do?
I've already decided, Ugo.
I'm staying with you...
Because I hold you in the highest esteem.
But not love?
Help me bring the beds together.
- The big sheet is in the closet. - Ah, here.
Pina, I'm glad because I understand that everything is really over.
It seemed like a normal morning.
Until the austere and irreproachable secretary
of the hereditary director,
came out of his office with sad news.
They called, it's confirmed!
The hereditary director has rubella!
The hereditary director was 106 years old.
That childhood disease could also be fatal to him.
The employees greeted the news with composed sorrow.
Fantozzi thought that this chance should be helped by any means.
Good morning, Mr. Priest.
Sit down, son.
I would like to have a mass said.
For or against someone?
- Against. - It's three times as much, 30,000.
Sung, 50,000.
Sung.
You hate him a lot, son.
After Fantozzi's initiative, other collective initiatives followed...
Giant rosaries in the lunchroom.
Their prayers were answered.
Fantozzi went to the funeral in total mourning.
Madam, did you see...
I understand, but let go of me.
Let go of my arm.
Who carries the coffin?
- Me. - I'll carry it too.
Accountant, I don't understand, did he have a husband?
- Who? - The count.
- I don't know, ask. - Yes.
Excuse me, this is the funeral of Count Vignardelli Bava?
No, widow Ricci.
Accountant, we are at the wrong funeral.
- Why? - This is the widow Ricci.
- But is it the widow Ricci? - No, Lieutenant Gambardella.
Lieutenant Gambardella?
Here!
- Excuse me, ma'am... - No, Filini!
- Be careful! - Let go of me, lady!
Let me go, what are you doing?
Hey, where are you?
Where are you?
- Here I am! - Let's go away!
- I'm coming. - Watch out!
Fantozzi and Filini, in a monstrous delay,
finally went to the right funeral.
And in front of this memorial stone of pure gold,
forged with the fusion of wedding rings
spontaneously donated by you faithful employees,
here, according to the will of the illustrious departed...
I announce the name of his successor.
Your new total director will be...
He will be...
Will be...
Great Rascal of Great Cross
Viscount Cobram.
For everyone, Viscount Cobram was the most feared name.
As a young man, he had been a mediocre amateur cyclist
who entered at 18 years old into the ranks of the company,
and made his way being an ass-kisser and a spy for those in power.
And now, having also reached the power,
he wanted cycling to be practiced by all his employees.
Cycling is a healthy sport and within everyone's reach.
It's against old age and disease.
But above all it gives great lucidity and efficiency at work.
- What about tennis? - It sucks.
- It is stuff for girls. - For fags!
- What about soccer? - Well, soccer...
- What? - Well... Gross!
- Sickening. - Yes.
Good!
I also want to tell you that I feel sorry and disgusted
for those employees who come to the office by car
and who in the evening run to lock themselves up in those sardine cans
instead of taking a nice walk out of town.
- You! - Me?
No, you, back there.
Me? Didn't you want to talk to...
Me, all right.
At the Milan-Sanremo of 1931,
Piemontesi came third, second was Guerra... And first?
First? First, Carnera.
What is tagging?
It is... Tagging.
It's called tagging, when...
I don't remember that anymore.
You don't remember anymore.
It seems to me...
Perhaps one could speculate that tagging is a bad action.
Sometimes you say: "She gave him a great tagging."
Ah, yes! When a swarm of bees....
No, it's a regional dish of Abruzzo.
A regional dish of Abruzzo!
Who will answer me...
Don't move!
Tagging is the assignment of the race numbers.
Things are going to change here.
You have no idea of what awaits you, you damned wimps!
Out!
They actually had an idea of what was waiting for them.
Either they'd become cyclists or they were screwed.
Let's go! Let's go!
Stop.
- Ready? - Yes.
Between our Martano and the Spanish Trueba,
it was a great duel in August of '34.
- No, it was June. - Of course, sorry, I made a mistake.
June, Trueba!
Nicknamed the Flea of the Pyrenees.
Where are we going tonight for the usual ride?
- Where are we going? - Let's go around the lakes.
No, let's go around the seven hills.
No, let's go for dinner at my aunt's place in Pinerolo
and come back in the night.
They are 1,200 Km.
And what are 1,200 Km?
- What are they? - Nothing.
So, gentlemen, everyone to Pinerolo!
To Pinerolo!
To Pinerolo! Accountant, where did you put your car?
- Around the corner, next to yours. - Then let's go on this trip.
- To Pinerolo! - To Pinerolo.
To Pinerolo!
To Pinerolo.
He believed it.
- Here's the trip! - Yes, let's go!
A ride?
- Let's go home. - No one move!
Let's go step by step.
As a first ride, 20 Km will be enough.
What?
In the saddle!
In the saddle, bersagliera style!
My God! One moment!
Mr. Dog! No, engineer!
The devil is not as ugly as he is painted.
Yeah, I've knocked down 20 Km very easily.
I feel like all my muscles are loose....
Goodbye.
Three hours later, also Fantozzi
had some slight difficulty of movement.
Pina, help me! I can't reach the handle.
Something is wrong
in my joints.
The next day, in the lunchroom,
entered a platoon of amputees from all wars.
They were the tragic participants of the training.
- Can I have some meat? - The cutlery.
- There isn't any meat? - I don't know, take the potatoes.
But I wanted meat.
Wine!
- Wine? - Yes, wine.
Wine.
Here.
Thank you.
- I would like some fruit. - No, you already have potatoes.
- At least some bread. - All right, here's the bread.
Attention!
I have some great news for you.
In 15 days, Sunday, July 28,
there will be the first Cobram Cup
for all the employees of our company.
A 40 Km race!
50?
50!
- Is something wrong? - No, everything is fine.
- In fact, it's little. - 55?
- 60. - 70!
Sign up everyone!
I recommend you keep training!
The evening before the fatal day,
Fantozzi and Filini made a miserable, desperate attempt.
- Are you ready? - No, I don't want to do it.
- Do you want to do the Cup? - No!
It is very easy, I have prepared the text for you.
You just have to read. I'll show you what to do afterwards.
"Hello? Viscount Cobram?"
- Disguise your voice. - Yes.
"This is the distinguished doctor Bergman-Valadier."
- Which would be me. - Yes.
"I visited your employees Filini and Fantozzi,
and found in both of them the Ménière syndrome
and therefore I don't recommend, actually I forbid,
that they participate in your beautiful sport initiative
or I decline all responsibility."
Thank you and good evening.
- Easy as pie. - You didn't dial the number.
- Do you want to do race? - No!
So come on, let's disguise the voice.
Clothespin! Clothespin...
Potato...
Open your mouth. Funnel.
Funnel. Hold it.
Towel. A towel...
And now...
Squeeze.
Can you breathe?
This is the copper basin, this is the text...
- I don't understand. - Should I do a Swedish accent?
Can you do it? All right, do it.
I'll dial the number.
3, 4,
7, 8, 1.
- In the basin! Swedish! - Hello?
Fantozzi, is that you?
Are you happy?
You ruined it all. A Swedish accent!
- I don't get it. - It makes me want to throw up.
- Of course! - I'd like to give one last kiss...
To the baboon... To the monkey.
- To Albertina... What is her name? - Mariangela.
- Go. - Thank you.
There's my angel.
Goodbye, sweetheart.
Bravo!
Bomb? I got the bomb, the good one.
I have the bomb, the strong one.
Do you want it? Bomb!
- Look how beautiful it is. - What's inside?
Methadrine, sympamine, aspirin, franceschina, cocaine
and cayenne pepper. You want it? It's 100,000.
- I'll take it. - All right.
With this, you'll come in first and it also will get you excited.
Bomb? Who wants the bomb?
- Bravo! - Bravo.
Get ready!
My compliments, Mr. Duke Count.
Bikers, saddle up!
- The ambulance! Did you see it? - Sure, just in case.
Sweetcheeks!
- You are racing too! - Calboni, are you hurt?
I am not an asshole like you.
I got multiple fractures.
That's how they put me on the supply line.
- Why that? - You can never tell.
But you don't worry, just in case, I'll tell your wife.
- If it could be avoided... - Attention!
10 seconds to go.
Our Father, who art in heaven....
Watch out!
Get up, you morons! Get up!
Get them up!
Get on top of them!
See? You are getting back up! Bravo!
Come on, let's go!
On the little slope of Viale De Amicis,
after that tragically named "Devil's Peak",
they encountered the inevitable and terrifying storm,
theater of every Mountain Grand Prix.
At the epicenter, 50 degrees below zero!
Mr. Belli, who looked strangely like sea bream,
was lost in the fog. He was sold in slices in a local supermarket.
And four!
Accountant, are you speeding up?
No, broken brakes!
Help!
What's up? Congratulations!
Where is the groom? Never mind, let's sing.
What do we care if it goes wrong!
- Here's daddy, See? He's still alive. - Come on!
At the second attack on the Devil's Hill,
they had the first imperceptible symptoms of fatigue.
Asphyxia.
Targeted eyes.
Cardiac arrests.
Plush tongues.
Northern lights and mirages.
Now dehydrated, Fantozzi thought he was victim of an hallucination.
But...
Holy crap!
Here.
Do you want to get in?
No, later.
Bye.
On the second pass through the storm,
a fan moved to compassion.
Oh God! I can't see anymore!
Stop, damn you!
May I introduce Mr. Vannini?
- That's me. - You sing too.
Who knows! Now let's see tomorrow, who knows!
A few survivors reached the longed-for supplies.
- Come closer! - Here!
On the fly, Pina! Pull!
- To me! - To me!
The Cobram Cup had now become an elimination race.
There were only two of them left aiming for the final victory
by any means necessary, even the most unfair.
Go more slowly, for pity's sake.
Mr. Fantozzi!
Oh my!
May I? That's Mr. Colzi. Let's sing!
What do we care if it goes wrong!
- It's Fantozzi! - Good job!
At the end of July, 11 a.m,
Fantozzi had been mysteriously summoned with his colleague Filini
by the magistral director Duke Count Piermatteo Barambani.
For the occasion, he had worn a new suit
and had decided to have an invigorating coffee.
- For fuck's sake! - Easy!
- It always screws me over. - Take it easy, Fantozzi.
Just push here and there you go.
Your coffee. See?
Be careful with that coffee, I have a new suit.
May I?
- I have a new suit... - It's new!
Yes, I have to go to Barambani and he wants everything...
It's empty! You were scared, weren't you, Sweetcheeks?
What a joke! I'm going to drink my coffee there.
Yes, jerks, laugh.
I have to go to Barambani. If he sees you with a speck....
- Is Fantozzi here? - He was here.
- Is Fantozzi here? - He was there.
- When they look for him, he is gone. - Calboni!
Sweetcheeks, what are you doing? They were looking for you.
I said, "I'm going to the corner to drink a coffee..."
- Have you seen him? - No, have you?
Drinking coffee...
Fantozzi, at last!
Excuse me, but I had a curious incident with a coffee.
- Why did he summon us? - I have no idea.
- Do you know? - You can go. That way.
Let's hope it will go well.
After you.
- What are you doing? - I thought you wanted to dance.
May I?
Dear Bambacci! Dear Follini!
I am Fantozzi and he is Filini.
What are you doing next weekend?
We were thinking of staying in the company working some overtime.
I own a little boat, it costs me a billion,
but I am also democratic.
My family is you poor people.
- Like. - You wretches!
You inferiors! That's the word for it.
My dear inferiors! As you well know, I love beggars very much.
Would you be willing to be my guests on my little boat?
- I would. - He would and so would I.
Great, now get the fuck out of here.
- You can go. - Thank you, marquis duke count,
of the preference really... Really...
We are moved! Let's go.
Watch out!
Damn, Fantozzi! What have you done?
I did not see him because I was looking at the boats!
- Poor guy! - Did you get hurt?
- He's English! Do you speak English? - Yes.
- Ask him if he's hurt. - So. What did you say?
- Are you hurt? - Yes!
- What did he say? - All right.
- Where is the boat? - There!
Dearest! Dearest inferiors!
Welcome!
- Good morning, Duke Marquis. - Good morning, Mr. Admiral.
- My respects. - We must come up...
Yes, dear ones.
- Go up. - No, you first.
- No, you. - You go.
- Get up. Don't be afraid. - I'm a total rookie.
What did you do?
This...
- You are losing water. - What are you doing, Sbarbozzi?
Since the day is hot, I wanted to freshen up.
You've done well, now embark.
- After you. - I would like to give up... No.
I'm going to approach it more cautiously.
Come!
I'm not feeling confident, but....
That's it, one more step... Very good!
Come, Filini, I made it!
For fuck's sake!
Sorry, I don't want you to think I have a physical attraction to you.
And here, dear trash, this is, finally, the bow part.
I gave you a tour of my boat, my little house.
Parva sed apta mihi!
Here I am happy, even in your company.
- What's up? - The shoes!
I must ask you a small courtesy. Take off your shoes.
Boats are like mosques.
We'll take them off.
- Let's take our shoes off. - Yes.
Give them to me.
Voilà!
Have patience...
Go and freshen up, change your clothes in the crew cabin.
- I mean: the guests. - No hope for the shoes.
Excuse me. Sorry, let me...
We get stuck, we take a serious risk.
Let me...
Watch your head!
Mr. Filini, watch your...
head!
One more thing, inferior ones. There are no slackers on a boat.
There are lots of little things to do.
We will divide the tasks because on a boat we are all equal.
And now, dear guests,
let's have a nice toast to our cruise.
Because...
I mean I'm going. With your permission.
Let's set sail! Filini, you at the mast. Pull up the anchor.
Bambocci, release the moorings.
- Fantozzi. - Yes, Fantocci. The moorings!
- Filini, you block it. - Yes.
- Bambocci, undo the rope. - Yes, it's this, isn't it?
Ah, no, it's that one. Yes, it's this one.
- Not that one, the other one! - Yes, the other one.
Hurry up, Bambocci!
I'll explain later...
- Filini, take off the fenders. - I'm going.
Hear that siren?
- What is this button? - It's the speed.
- What about this one? - Right engine.
- Left engine.
- Switch. - What about this button?
- It's got a nice strong sound. - It's ultra-powerful.
18,000 mega-sounds!
Here I am, Mr. Count, there is a very slight roll.
Very slight, but very insi...
- Very... - Beccacci, pour!
I'm getting close... It's very insidious!
- What about my wine? - It's getting colder.
Here I am...
Hey! Here we are!
Let's anchor here! Ready for the maneuver!
Get the hawser.
I didn't quite understand.
- Get the hawser! - Get it or he'll get upset.
Is this it?
All right, I'll get it.
- Should I do three laps or four? - What are you doing? Get it!
- You tie it there! - I will tie it there.
- I don't remember... - Take the boathook.
- Where is the boathook? - Have you seen a small sailor?
- No. - Is he from Sardinia?
- Look for it behind the tang. - Go behind the tang.
Behind the tang! Ah, the tang!
The tang!
To the winch! Filini, drop the anchor!
You, Mamozzi, at the anchor of respect, at the stern!
My name is Fantozzi.
This one is very dangerous.
Good morning, Madam.
Bacherozzi, hurry up!
Hurry up, the boat is turning.
Here it is.
Mr. Fantozzi, what have you done?
I wanted to refresh myself.
- Yes? How is the water? - It's gorgeous.
- I would like to take a dip myself. - You do it!
Make room!
Mr. Filini, are you all right?
Careful, I had with this lady an unforgettable experience.
Skeet shooting! Filini, the rifle!
- Skeet shooting! - Watch out, it's loaded!
- Is it loaded? - Pupazzi! The score.
- Do you have the score? - I cured it...
- The scorekeeper! - Here it is!
You point it towards the duke.
Ready? Disc!
- What disc did you throw? - That one.
It was a silver plate, antique, 18th century, English.
18th century? But I...
Take the discs in the galley.
Filini, let's have a contest, two discs each.
- The bullet is in! - Here?
- You start. - Me?
- You point it... - Excuse me.
- Practical, isn't it? - No, he's not used to...
- Meanwhile I... - Bacherozzi, where are you going?
You keep the score and throw the discs.
Filini, ready to shoot! Disc!
The disc is ready. Disc!
- Missed! - Sorry.
I told you...
- Another shot, ready? - Yes.
- Disc! - Disc!
Missed!
- Missed! Missed. - Missed again.
He really missed it.
- Bambozzi, now you shoot. - No, I prefer...
- Take the rifle, it's your turn. - Give me the board.
- Come on, Filini, disc! - Here.
Ready, Cagnacci? Disc!
- Keep the rifle. - Make it all go away!
Let's get out of here, hide everything, let's set sail!
Watch out for your head.
Watch out for your...
In the return trip the Duke Count Barambani,
due to a bloody engine failure,
divided again the tasks with his guests.
At the end of the summer, faced with the tragic prospect
of a new year of repugnant work,
Fantozzi was taken by his usual crisis
of impatience and rebellion.
The megapresident is an asshole.
Sometimes I feel like I want to write it in the sky. Like this!
What's going on?
- But how is it possible? - Come and see!
It's a joke!
The Grand Council of the Absent Ten
subjected everyone to a handwriting comparison.
- What do they do? - They make you write that sentence.
- That's bullshit, Sweetcheeks. - It's your turn.
Have you seen the phrase they make... He doesn't give confidence.
Give it to me.
No, it's not him.
- Go. - Thank you, my respects.
- Go! - Sorry.
- My respects to you as well. - Get out now!
You need to get out, please.
Next one!
He closed...
Write that vile sentence.
I have no hands.
- And what are these? - They're paralyzed.
Don't be a clown, write it down.
Type? I don't have a pen.
These are fake.
Write.
- With the right hand. - Of course, with the right.
I'll write, then.
Here we go, ready.
- I am illiterate. - Write!
I write, all right. Just like...
Here, I also put the exclamation point.
- It's him. - You wrote your thoughts!
- But... - I'll have you slaughtered,
cut you up, put you in a suitcase and send it to Olbia!
And me, you damned carrion, I'll rip off your ears, arms and legs,
put them in a suitcase and send everything to Olbia by air!
I cut you in four, close you in a trunk and send it to Olbia!
In Olbia you have instituted
the new collection center?
- Scoundrel! - Scoundrel!
- Bastard! - Buffoon!
Mega-president Archangel!
Have a seat, dear Fantozzi.
It was you, wasn't it?
I knew it.
Please.
You will be pleased to have your wife next to you
at this time of your life.
Are you convinced of what you wrote about me?
I don't...
I didn't write it, I just thought it.
You don't have to think. This is your mistake.
Come with me.
Go ahead and cancel it.
Bravo, Fantozzi.
And now you'll write about yourself what you wrote about me.
No, remove "a bit of".
Bravo, Fantozzi!
And be sure not to delete it.
Very kind of you, sire.
Does it show a lot?
No, not so much. And then just don't look.
Yeah, just don't read. They made a fool out of me.
Holy shit! But if they think to take me out, they're wrong
because I have a feature and they don't know it.
I am indestructible and do you know why?
Because I'm the biggest loser of all time.
I always lost everything.
Two World Wars, one Colonial Empire,
eight consecutive World Cups in a row,
the ability to purchase of the lira, confidence in the Government.
And my head for a monst... a woman like you.
Here it is! Here he comes!
Yes, laugh! Laugh!
But he who laughs last laughs best.
Say what you will, but I I'm a very successful man.
- Fantozzo. - Yes, tell me.
All right, not successful.
But let's at least say I'm lucky.
What am I missing? I have everything.
I have a wonderful fair-rent home,
I have a 99-channel remote control.
A wonderful daughter...
Wonderful!!! And a faithful wife.
I am the happiest of all. I want to play!
Move, Mariangela, I am ve-ry...
Lu-cky!