Drunk.
Terribly sorry.
Sorry.
Damn drunk. Go home.
Terribly sorry.
Aaah!
I'm terribly sorry.
I'm-
Oh. Oh, no.
Not again, Vicki.
Oh, no, love. No.
I'm too tired.
Please. Please, Vicki.
Oh.
Vicki, you are impossible.
Doesn't she have beautiful eyes, Mr. Skinner?
Look how big and round.
Big and round, yep.
Now, you gotta backcomb that topknot, honey, so it looks electric.
Okay. Know what I mean?
Here, let me show you how to strip her.
I'm scared of those razors, Mr. Skinner.
You think I could use a stripping knife? Well, sure.
Sure. As long as you're careful.
You hurt a dog in Skinner Kennels...
And that little fanny's gonna be out on the street. Yes, sir.
Now, you gotta be extra gentle under the eyes.
Here, let me show you.
Roll your thumb and finger the way the hair grows.
That's it. That's good.
You know, you ought to be real grateful you got this job with me, honey.
You could be workin’ for some faggot poodle handler, you know?
Takes real talent to show terriers.
You like terriers, don't you, Pattie Mae?
Uh, w-well, yes, Mr. Skinner, but-
Well, you ought to be real grateful that you're with the best.
You're learnin’ from Philo Skinner, the Terrier King.
Philo? Yes, Mavis. What ts it?
Pattie Mae, why are you still here?
Mr. Skinner told me-yeah, well, Mr. Skinner...
don't worry about payin’ overtime.
You go on home. Okay.
Philo-
You didn't feed Walter. The doberman in number six.
I almost fed Walter me, Mavis. The son of a Bitch went for me the first time I got near him.
Why'd you take in a brute like that for? He's an attack dog!
Yeah? Well, seein’ as this kennel is so broke the animals eat better than me,
I gotta take any dogs that come my way So you Can...
Go to the track and feed the goddamn horses!
Now, listen to me.
I don't wanna catch you nestling up to that little...
kennel bird or it is bye-bye, Terrier King!
This kennel's in my name, Philo!
Miserable Bitch.
Yeah? Good evening, Mr. Skinner.
Who are you?
I work for Arnold. I'm a collector.
Arnold?
Look, my old lady's here. Just do me a favor, tell Arnold I'll call him, okay?
You're being unreasonable, Mr. Skinner.
Look, uh, Arnold knows I gonna get well on the Super Bowl.
I got Dallas and the points. Arnold and me'll be even. There's no problem.
But Arnold thinks Pittsburgh's gonna win, Mr. Skinner.
He's afraid you're gonna be into him for 25 big ones, plus the vigorish.
B-but I'm a good customer. I'm no welsher.
I told Arnold you'd be a reasonable business man.
If your team loses, I'll stop by to see you.
You'll have the money, won't you, Mr. Skinner?
Keep the newspaper, Mr. Skinner. Read it.
There's lots of accidental deaths these days.
Rabbit!
Oh, my God. Mercy.
Oh, God. Mercy.
Gavno. Gavno.
Oh.
- Mischa. - Gavno. Gavno.
Mischa. Please.
Hey, Romero, you're wanted on line two.
Well,
Another night of Russian potato juice, huh?
You look like a skid row blood donor.
What they payin’ for type "0" these days?
I just need a cup of tea.
Look, while I'm gettin’ your cup of tea,
You can go in my locker and change that necktie.
It looks like you washed it in vodka.
And comb your hair. Goddamn it!
I used to ride an old sorrel horse with better lookin’ hair than you got.
Clarence? Clarence!
Uh, could you come in for a minute?
Yeah, I'll be right there, Captain.
Man, you just gotta cut that juice loose.
You gonna get all "swole" up like a toad.
Look like you're going to a funeral- and it's yours.
Captain, you can't make me work with Valnikov.
I hate to poor-mouth a fellow officer, but...
Even Clarence has to admit he's bombed right now.
No, he ain't bombed. Just a little hungover is all.
He's gotta get his shit- his mind together.
Why me? Lord, why me?
Natalie, we've, uh-I've decided that Valnikov needs a partner.
L-in the short time he's been here, I've noticed he's a little, uh, absentminded.
Like a drunk might be. Uh, yes. Yes, it's true he had...
A minor drinking problem when he was with homicide downtown,
But Clarence assures me all he needs-Clarence? I should've known.
Assures me that all he needed was a change of scenery...
And that here at Hollywood station, he'd begin to shape-
Captain, why'd they kick him out of homicide?
Pardon me. Why did they agree to a change of scenery?
Well, no big thing. Just a-just a scuffle is all.
The kind you might have in a saloon for instance. Uh, no.
It was just an argument with a pathologist at the morgue on a homicide case...
He was workin’ on-something.
So his old buddy, Clarence Cromwell, decides he needs a transfer to Hollywood,
And now Clarence decides he needs a partner.
Sergeant Cromwell doesn't command this division, I do!
Captain, I appreciate your position. But for 18 years I've worked my tail off...
For the Los Angeles Police Department-mm-hmm.
A tail!
Why me!
Well-
I hope you like working burglary, Natalie.
Yeah.
We may as well get the partner-to-partner biographies over with.
You married? Divorced.
Me too. You live alone?
No, I live with Mischa and Grisha.
The kids?
Uh, no. My son, Nicholas, lives with his mother in Chatsworth.
- Yeah? And how old? - Forty-four.
I didn't ask how old you are. My father was amazed...
By the luxury of Hollywood.
It scared him because he was an immigrant.
Look at the place. It's almost a slum.
Wait a minute. Let's get this straight. You said you lived with Mischa somebody.
Mischa and Grisha. Valnikov, you said you had one kid.
Yes. Nicholas. He's 20.
He's 20.
I don't see him anymore. Why?
I think he doesn't like me. I know his mother doesn't like me.
Do Mischa and Grisha like you? Of course.
Mischa. He only knows one word.
Gavno.
I yelled it one one time when I burned my hand on the stove.
It's, uh, Russian. It means "shit."
Ah, he just picks up the bad word, of course.
Uh-huh. He's not your kid, right?
My kid-no, no. He's a parakeet.
Green. And Grisha is?
A gerbil. Didn't I say that? No. No, you didn't.
You really didn't, Valnikov.
I think it's real nice to have a partner to talk to again.
Tutu! Tutu! Tutu!
Come on, Tutu. It's Philo!
It's me, Philo!
Jesus Christ, man.
Come on, for Christ's sake!
Tutu! Tutu!
Tutu! I knew you could do it.
Tutu. My baby, Tutu.
I Knew you could do it.
Everything's gonna be okay now. You're the sweetest dog in the world.
Jesus Christ. Hey, I'm carryin’ a little dog here, man!
Have a nice weekend, Natalie.
Aren't you going in the office?
Nah, I'm too tired. Would you mind, uh, signing me out?
I think I'll just go home and make myself a nice Christmas dinner.
Last call for Wire Fox Terrier open dogs to ring nine.
Last call. Wire Fox Terrier open dogs to ring nine.
NYY-855, please move it. You're blocking traffic.
Will the owner of motor home license number 855-NYY,
Please move it, you're blocking traffic.
Janitor to ring four, please.
Janitor to ring four.
Whippets to ring four. Whippets to ring four.
Mr. Skinner? Mr. Skinner, I'm here.
Gee, Mr. Skinner, this is so exciting.
Um, you know, I almost couldn't find you.
Am I late? It's half over.
The dog show? The Super Bowl.
Oh. Who's playing? Pittsburgh!
Pittsburgh's playin’.
Mr. Skinner, do you think you ought to be-yes, I ought to be.
Matter of fact, I want you to run out and get me another half pint.
I'm only nineteen, Mr. Skinner. I'm not old enough to buy whiskey.
Nineteen.
Not old enough, huh? Well, I'm not old enough to draw social security.
Or to get in the racetrack as a senior citizen.
And the Dallas defensive line is in the same goddamn boat!
The whole world's too old.
Go match that squirrelly Scottie, will ya?
Pugs, go to ring two.
All Pug handlers to ring two.
Pugs to ring two.
Wire Fox for best of breed competitions to ring nine.
Wire Fox for best of breed competitions to ring-
Mr. Skinner, it’s time to show the Fox Terrier.
You're showing the Fox Terrier. Me?
I-I can't. This is my very first show. I don't even know what to do.
It's all right. Just bait him with the liver like I showed you...
And fold the excess lead in your hand and don't worry about it.
There's a horny old bastard out there judgin’ Fox Terriers anyway.
An old dude with a lady Clairol dye job.
Another one.
He's gonna be checkin’ out the brisket, stifle and hocks, all right.
But not the dog's. Yours.
You got it made with that old hound, you sexy little Kennel groupie, you.
Mr. Skinner-
After today, I quit! I'm not gonna work for you no more.
Pick up armbands. Pick up your- pick up your armbands.
Winger, over for pictures to ring one. Last call.
Janitor to ring six. Janitor to ring six.
It's way back in the second quarter when Rocky Bleier gathered in this eight yard-
Mr. Skinner, we won!
We won! That old judge was so nice.
He said he could teach me a lot about dog shows.
That Dallas team's just too goddamned old.
Janitor to ring three. Whole world's too old.
Janitor to ring three.
Janitor, ring number three. The arena's full of dog crap!
The whole world's just one ancient stinking mountain of dog shit!
Does this mean I get to show the Schnauzer too? No.
Changed my mind. Her coat's not ready.
Gee, Mr. Skinner, she really loves you.
Yeah. When I was a mangy kid in a goddamn foster home,
I always shared my pinto beans with some stray dog.
Now I'm a mangy man and nothing's changed.
You ain't so mangy, Mr. Skinner.
Go get me some coffee, will ya, kid?
Sure.
Sorry, Tutu.
Philo has to hurt you just for a second.
You'll feel okay... In a little while.
Brittany Spaniels for the best of breed competition to ring one.
Brittany Spaniels for best of breed competition to ring one.
Toxicology, cold drinks to ring three, please.
Afghan Hounds, open Bitches, pick up armbands, ring five.
Mr. Hoyt Jones, you're wanted at your setup immediately, please.
Oh.
Mr. Skinner, that Schnauzer's growling at you.
I don't get it. Just ten minutes ago, she was licking your face.
Start packing up the dogs. We're leaving.
Why are we leaving? W-What about all your-
Never mind about my clients. They'll just have to understand that I'm s-sick.
Let's just get the hell out of here.
Had enough dog shows to last me a lifetime.
And I ain't "boofin' ".
Madeline Whitfield, please go to Chester Biggs' setup.
Miss Madeline Whitfield, please go to Chester Biggs' setup.
I don't Know what happened to Vicki, Miss Whitfield.
But she was all right. I think she's been drugged.
Miss Whitfield, you better go straight home. I'll take Vicki to your vet.
Ooh, Vicki.
- Hello. - Is this Madeline Whitfield?
Yes. My name is Richard.
I wanna tell you that, uh-
That Schnauzer Bitch you have is not Vicki.
Understand me? That Schnauzer Bitch you have is not Vicki.
Now, you'll know that when she revives from the tranquilizer that I gave her.
Uh, ex-excuse me, l-I don't understand.
I'm telling you that I've kidnapped your Schnauzer Bitch.
You have another one. Now, listen to me.
I want $85,000.
Uh, how much? Eighty-five thousand.
Uh, l-oh, that's impossible.
I don't have $85,000. I can't get $85,000.
Yeah, you listen to me. I know all about you. You're rich.
You and your big house. Just do as I say, okay?
No, listen- listen to me, sir. I-
Uh, this big house-
I live here alone and the upstairs is closed off...
And I had to refinance the house last year.
I don't have any... listen, I don't-shut up!
Shut up. Now, I want you to listen to me, Woman.
You have the money in two days, or I'm gonna start sending you...
Pieces of your little Schnauzer Bitch, all right?
Now, you call your rich grandma, you call your banker. Oh, pl-
But you get the money.
Please. Please, listen to me. I-l can get some money.
B-but the-oh.
Just don't hurt Vicki, please!
Don't-
Sir? Oh-
I'm sorry, Miss Whitfield. Vicki-Vicki died.
Th-the drug, whatever it was, it was just... Too much. I-
The doctor says he can do an autopsy and-no. No autopsy.
Bring her home right now and I'll arrange for the burial.
But, Miss Whittfield- shouldn't we, uh-
Someone drugged your dog. Shouldn't we call the police and-
No, I forbid it. Now, bring the-
Bring Vicki home to me and then call the pet mortuary...
And tell them to come here tonight.
Do you understand, Chester?
Hey, Nick, gimme those 4-5-9 reports.
Oh, Clarence. Oh, that's wonderful.
An.
Well, I gave it a try, Captain, and it's not gonna work out.
I've got something important to tell you about Valnikov.
What is it, Natalie? He's crazy.
Now, that's the dumbest goddamn thing I ever heard you say, Natalie.
You think I enjoy this?
I admit Valnikov's a little eccentric-
He's crazy, bats, wacko.
Do you understand? I'm not saying zany, balmy or goofy.
I'm saying he's a psycho. Name one crazy thing he did.
It's a combination of things. He's gone round the bend.
He's a candidate for a medical pension. A gold retirement badge...
And a canvas blazer with wraparound arms.
Name one crazy thing he did. There was a combination of things.
Goddamn it. Now name one crazy thing.
Okay, one thing!
He said he was going to make himself Christmas dinner.
Christmas was two weeks ago.
Oh? Christmas?
Uh. Clarence! Captain.
Captain, there were lots of little things. Clarence, where you going?
And they spell n-u-t. I'll be with you in a minute. I've got-
Cl-Clarence! Captain-
I'm a little busy right now. If you could come back a little bit-Clarence!
Nut, Captain. N-U-T. I can't get this open.
You wanna know what Friday was, Natalie? Hm? Hm?
Russian Christmas. His Christmas. Ha. Oh.
How you feel now, Natalie?
I don't give a damn if it was Russian Christmas! There were other things!
Did you have a nice weekend, Natalie? Groovy.
Would you open your jacket, please?
I didn't forget my revolver. I'm really very careful about that.
I figured. Figured?
That you did all your tailoring with a staple gun.
Oh, that. Um, I've been meanin’ to sew it. In fact, I got a needle and thread-
We have an arrestee in jail. Let's just go to work, Valnikov.
Let's see, uh, your name's Bernie Mitchell?
That's right. You know Sergeant Spinks, works auto theft?
He generally handles my cases.
It says here you were arrested for, uh,
Breaking into a warehouse.
- I've advised you your rights. - You sure you don't know Sergeant Spinks?
I mean, he's a very nice fella.
He's the one gimme my Nickname, "Itchy Mitch," on account of...
I always break out in hives when I get arrested.
Do you wanna tell us about the burglary? Oh, sure.
Sure. It's all because of this here limper-
Limper? Yeah, you know, a lemon. A real dog.
See, see, I'm- I'm a used car salesman,
Which is how come I always get busted by auto theft detectives.
Sorry, Mitch, we don't work auto theft.
Oh, that's all right. So, I take this-
This limper for a little spin, just for a couple of days.
Just because I get nailed at the Arizona border, they think I'm stealin’.
- I was just test drivin’ it. - What's all this got to do with the warehouse burglary?
Well, Sergeant, I was out on bail for the auto theft.
I had to pay my lawyer, didn't I?
And I couldn't afford another auto theft conviction.
They might send me to state "pris."
So I decide to bust in this warehouse.
See, I ain't got no prior arrests for breakin' and enterin’.
Sarge, you look like a very smart lady.
Maybe you could tell me somethin’. Yeah, Mitch.
Why is it that some people in this world...
Always seem to pick The Black Marble?
Maybe you can tell me that.
Zimmerman and Valnikov, you're next. What're you filing?
One count of burglary.
Rabbit!
Yeah.
Mr. Holman is available now.
Let's go file burglary on old "Itchy Mitch."
Wanna stop for a hamburger?
I can't look another Big Mac in the eye.
Charlie Lightfoot was so cranky in the mornings.
The only thing he didn't hate was an Egg McMuffin.
Who's Charlie Lightfoot?
My old partner.
We, uh, worked homicide together 13 years.
He taught me everything.
Valnikov, why did they transfer you out of homicide?
I, uh-
Pardon, Natalie. What'd you say?
I said-
Never mind.
Tell me about Charlie Lightfoot. What kind of cop was he?
He cleared more unsolved murders than anybody.
He-we once...
Caught a man who strangled three children.
The killer kept a schoolbook belonging to one little girl.
Braille reader, grade... Two.
Charlie could never get over the title of that book.
It was called happy times.
Valnikov,
Charlie always said-Valnikov.
It doesn't matter.
He always said it all goes down a big sewer in the end.
Valnikov,
Is Charlie Lightfoot still working homicide?
What? I told you, didn't I?
Told me what?
Charlie's dead.
Killed in a...
hunting accident, they say.
All alone in the woods.
Valnikov, let's go back to the station.
We're end of watch.
I can't stay late, but, uh, at least we know a couple-
See ya, Val. Good night, Bob.
Oh, hi. See you tomorrow.
Hey, Valnikov.
This, uh-this lady here wants to talk to you...
About a theft report from the Brown Derby.
Oh, thanks.
I'm Sergeant Valnikov. I'm, uh, Madeline Whitfield.
Pleasure. Be seated. Thank you.
Uh, I-l found a Schnauzer Bitch near my home in Pasadena...
And I called every police department around...
And your computer section told me there had been a Schnauzer stolen...
Here in Hollywood last Friday.
You're a very good detective. Frankly, I thought the dog probably just wandered off.
Could you give me the name of the person who reported her missing?
It might help me-help you?
Well, you see, the poor little thing died...
And I had to give her to the pet haven cemetery for burial.
And I just wanted to talk to the owner to see if it really is the same Schnauzer.
Uh, I can contact the owner first thing in the morning...
And have her get in touch with you if you'll leave your number.
Oh, all right.
Please, it's-it's very urgent!
Is there something else, ma'am?
Is there something wrong?
Oh, no, of course not.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Natalie, is this gonna become a goddamn mornin’ ritual?
Complainin’ to hooker about Valnikov?
Mm. It has to be done.
He's a cop. He carries a gun, and he's crazy.
Maybe it's the booze. Christ, anybody's brain...
Could get marinated and Sanforized the amount he must put away.
His eyes don't stop watering until 2:00 o'clock.
Oh, look, you ain't givin' it a chance.
Clarence, if you're his friend, you've gotta understand this. He's a sick man.
When he's asleep, he-he starts crying about some goddamn rabbit.
Bugs Bunny. Peter Cottontail. I don't know.
Oh, you've been with him when he's sleeping?
Clarence! You evil old spook!
This lady wants to sue the police department for $1,000,000.
Captain, I have something important to tell you. Not now.
Captain! I cooked her 20 bucks’ worth of parmigiana. Not now.
I got feelings too, huh? He ain't gonna push me...
In a swimming pool and get away with it.
I thought you could trust a policeman to be a gentleman.
Captain, I-I need just two minutes of your time. I... Natalie, please.
Million dollar lawsuit for bein’ pushed in a swimmin' pool?
- She was two floors up! - Yeah!
I got a whiplash. I lost my contact lenses. I ruined a very good wristwatch.
But, Clarence, Clarence. She dumped my cannelloni in the sink.
I got feelings! I got rights, huh? Oh, bullets, shut up!
Out! Out! Both of you. Yeah, shut up, bullets.
I'm sorry. I just-out. Out. What? What?
You see, Miss, bullets is an emotional Italian.
Oh, but he cares about you a lot. Mm-hmm.
Told me so himself! We were havin' lunch the other day...
And he says, "Clarence, I just love that woman so much, I just-"
Valnikov, we have so many burglary reports,
We may as well weigh them as count them and we're bothering with a missing dog!
This morning, Miss Whitfield seemed so, uh-
She seemed so desperate.
Hi. I'm Millie's-hi.
Mrs. Gharoujian's houseboy. She couldn't come.
Gosh, I hope it isn't Tutu.
Come on. Let's take a look.
I dream about you
all through the day
my buddy
nobody
I'm Mr. Limpwood. Uh, may I be of service?
Sergeant Valnikov. Ah, yes, Sergeant, about the deceased Schnauzer.
Did you locate the next of kin?
We think this young man may be able to identify the, uh, deceased. May we see her?
Beautiful job, don't you think? He looks asleep.
Terrific.
That raccoon looks like he's just playing possum.
Oh, dear, they're burying her already.
I didn't think burial was gonna take place until this afternoon.
No problem, we'll just dig her up. Exhume the body?
Oh, but I don't wanna be sued. What if the next of kin is finally determined?
Don't you need a court order?
You only need a court order to exhume people's bodies.
Oh, that can't be Tutu.
Tutu was so beautiful!
Did she have any... particular marks?
She had a white toenail on her left hind paw.
Millie's dog trainer, Mr. Skinner,
Used to paint 'em black for the dog shows.
My god, it is white.
Hello. Do you have the money yet?
Uh, you must let me explain.
I've been able to raise some money...
And I'm trying to get a fast personal loan from the bank,
But my mother died of cancer recently, and I don't-
There were four years of surgery and hospitalization...
And chemotherapy and I don't have any money left.
I'm absolutely broke. I'm trying to find a job.
Listen-lis-let-
Hey, you, don't you spit your goobers on my property!
Hello? Hello, are you there?
Now, j-just shut up and listen to me.
You think I was born yesterday? You think I'm gonna believe your lies?
Hey, I Know you're rich!
Listen, woman, I never hurt an animal in my life.
But I'm tell-
Hey, you scrawny coyote, stop spitting goobers on my property!
Get back inside, you fat Bitch, or I'll punch you in your fat mouth!
That's no way to speak to a lady, you filthy-mouthed chauvinist!
Okay, j-j-just listen to me. I want the money by tomorrow night...
Or I'm gonna start cutting off the toes of your little Bitch.
You understand me? One ata time. Oh-
And then I'm gonna start on her ears. Oh, my god, please!
Please, don't! Just bring Vicki home and I swear I'll pay you...
A little each month until you have it-
Ransom on the installment plan?
You wanna send me your goddamn credit card, maybe?
You know, you're really stupid. Listen, woman,
I'm gonna call you tomorrow night and you'd better have good news!
I've had it with you, lady.
- You dirty-mouthed coyote! - Jesus!
What's matter with you, you crazy Bitch!
How do you like that, garbage mouth? Help!
I'll teach you to respect a lady! Help!
I'm gonna sue you, you Bitch!
Andrei Mikhailovitch.
I've been meaning to stop by.
Uh, this is my brother. Alex, meet Natalie Zimmerman.
Hello, good-looking.
You smell like a cop to me and that's a sexy smell.
SO, now you've met Alex-the-bashful.
How about some borscht? I'm, uh, overwhelmed.
Alex, uh, how about some lunch to go?
Huh? We're on the run between calls. On the run?
On the run. Mm. Oh.
You don't come by to see your nieces and nephews anymore.
You don't come for Christmas dinner. Didn't you get the presents?
We don't want your presents, dummy. We want you.
Alex, we can't stay.
Ahh, on you, I give up.
But, you, sit down.
Excuse me a minute. Hm?
When my parents left Russia,
They carried with them that same samovar,
An icon of St. Sergius,
And a picture of Nikolai Romanov...
Clear across Siberia to Viadivostok.
Oh, yes, they carried one other thing.
Me. Yeah.
It took us 12 years to get to America.
In a glass, Russian style.
So tell me,
Do the other cops talk about his drinking?
My brother, he started drinking heavy and acting different...
After his partner, Charlie Lightfoot, died.
Well, we've only been partners for a few days.
He was always a good boy. He was never a drunk. Why?
Alex?
Oh, the murals are beautiful, Alex. Beautiful.
Good.
Enjoy your lunch, kid.
You're lucky you got a partner who looks like that.
You take care.
You hear me, Andrushka? Yeah.
Valnikov, why are we coming here?
Well, it's not exactly the Hollywood Bowl but, uh,
This fiddler does pretty well with Tchaikovsky.
Valnikov.
Right here, Natalie.
I've just gotta talk to the fiddler.
Here's five for my favorite Tchaikovsky piece.
Let's see what we have here.
Ahh, cabbage rolls.
And piroshki.
And wait until you taste the black bread.
What's this stuff? Borscht.
It cures everything that's wrong with you. Everything? I could use some.
It's homemade with a touch of dusha.
That's Russian for "soul."
And Romanian wine.
Na Zdorovye, Natalie.
You know, I don't even know your first name.
Sergeant A.M. Valnikov.
What did the chef call you?
Andrei Mikhailovitch.
And what did your brother call you when he kissed you good-bye?
Andrushka.
Good wine.
How would you say "Natalie" in Russian?
Mm, "Natalia." or the endearing form would be "Natasha."
Natasha. I like that.
Na Zdorovye, Natasha.
Na Zdorovye. That's very good.
Thank you.
Jack! Where you've been?
I've been waitin’ for half an hour. Guess who's got tickets to the Shubert Theater tonight?
Captain Packerton, meet Sergeant Valnikov. Jack heads West Valley.
Nice to meet you, Captain. Likewise.
Come on, baby. Let's hurry up before we're late, huh?
Uh, "Balinkov," here, can, uh, clean up your paperwork for ya.
Can't ya, "Balinkov"? Sure I can.
You have a nice evening, Natalie.
Oh, hey, hey, val. That Whitfield broad?
She's callin’ you every half hour.
Thanks, bullets.
Don't be too impressed, Sergeant.
There's no furniture left upstairs except in one bedroom.
I couldn't afford to pay that monster if I wanted to, and I do.
My father always said that...
there was enough in the trust fund...
to keep my mother and me if we were prudent.
My father was a physician who didn't realize how imprudent mother's cancer could be.
So the bank will own the house at the end of the year.
I'm sorry about your being broke...
And I'm sorry about your troubles.
Well, up these winding driveways...
And behind these oak doors, it's the same story.
There's no romance of old money.
Just people like me holding on.
I understand about tradition.
I understand about old ways. Maybe they're worth holding on to.
When I got Vicki,
There was new excitement.
Our pictures were in the newspaper when we began winning shows.
There was attention.
Oh, it-it sounds foolish, I know, Sergeant, but-
I don't really have anyone.
I'm sorry.
I understand.
That's how I feel about- oh, Sergeant.
L-l understand.
I'll find your doggie.
Oh, Sergeant.
I will find your doggie. Oh.
I'll find your doggie. Oh, Sergeant.
I swear. I'll find your doggie.
Oh, Sergeant.
Oh, Sergeant. Oh.
Val, why don't you let Pasadena P.D. handle that?
She's receiving extortion calls there. You got enough to do.
Look, Clarence, if the original theft of Tutu from the brown derby...
is part of a continuing extortion plot, it's my responsibility.
Either way, lookin’ pretty good today.
No Russian potato juice last night?
Come to think of it, I didn't have a drink last night.
Hm. Where was he all night?
Uh, how do you take your tea, Miss-Sergeant Zimmerman?
Do you have any coffee, Miss Whitfield?
Most cops drink coffee. Oh, I'm sorry.
Of course. I-I've got some made.
Nice house, eh, Valnikov? Lovely.
Bet the master bedroom is posh. Eh, Valnikov?
Uh, possibly. You know, Natalie,
I've got a feeling about this extortionist.
He prefers to commit a theft involving a switch...
Rather than just coming here to steal the dog.
He seems to be more comfortable at the dog show...
Than sneaking around somebody's house.
According to Miss Whitfield, he said, "I never hurt an animal in my life."
That seemed to be very important to him.
And he used the correct terminology.
He used the word "Bitch" in referring to her. To Miss Whitfield?
No. To the Schnauzer.
Here. Thank you.
Sergeant, I've managed to raise $20,000.
And I've decided that if he'll release Vicki unharmed,
I'm going to give it to him.
For a dog? That's stupid. Please.
That's stupid. Natalie, please.
Miss Whitfield, Sergeant Zimmerman...
Didn't mean to imply that, uh, you were st-the hell I didn't.
Miss Whitfield. That's stupid.
What I'm hoping is that we can arrange a money drop tomorrow.
And that you'll trust me to arrange a surveillance.
If it looks too chancy, we'll let the money go. Would you agree to that?
Valnikov, we're talking about a dog.
What do you mean, "let the money go?"
Sergeant,
You know I trust you.
I'm not running into a burning house to save a bowl of goldfish.
And I'm not going to sit here...
While you two try to convince me that we're talking about anything but a dog.
I'm going outside for a smoke.
A dog.
Now, when he calls,
You tell him you'll give him the money tomorrow.
And we'll take over.
We have surveillance people who are experts in this sort of thing.
So, you see, people will often come through something like this stronger than before.
You could move to a small apartment.
And start off fresh.
But Vicki-you'll get Vicki back. I give you my word.
If I'm interrupting anything, I can go back outside.
Hello?
Hello, this is-wait a minute.
This ts Richard.
Time's up and I want my money tonight.
Have you got it all ready? No, um-I-it's-
It's not possible tonight. I just need a little more time.
Don't tell me what's possible, you Bitch.
I warned you I'm gonna start cutting on your Vicki. Do you hear me, woman?
No, wait. Wait. Please. Please.
I've been able to raise $20,000 and it's yours. Please! Take it!
Wait a minute. What are you talking about, $20,000?
I told you I wanted $85,000. That's not enough.
I don't have-you lying Bitch.
You wait. You're not gonna get away with this. Uh-uh. You wait.
You've done all you can. It's only a dog, Valnikov.
Yes? Listen. Listen to that!
Oh, wait! Wait!
Hey, I told you. I told you that $20,000 ain't enough, you Bitch.
I told you, it ain't enough to save me.
- I told you, and I warned you. - Listen, you've already killed once. Please!
Please, don't do it again.
The little Schnauzer that you drugged is dead.
Lousy, rotten welsher. You've been lying to me all along, haven't you?
You let her die, you Bitch!
It's your fault she's dead!
You welsher! You rotten, goddamn welsher.
No! Listen to me!
Oh, please, don't hurt her! Please!
No, wait! Wait!
Wait, listen to me!
Listen to me! Pick up the phone and listen to me!
Please, take the money. Take the money!
Oh, god!
Oh, no, no!
Aah, no!
You miserable Bitch. You made me do it.
You killed her, didn't you?
I cut off her ear. You-you-
You made me do it. I never hurt an animal in my life.
Listen to me. Just listen to me for a minute.
Spare her life. That's all I'm asking.
Just don't kill her.
I've got $20,000 right here. Just tell me where to take it.
Please. I-
I- I can't think.
I'll-I'll call you tomorrow.
Weill be back here first thing in the morning.
With some other officers.
I'll explain our precautions.
Then it'll be up to you whether or not you want us to observe the money drop.
You understand, Miss Whitfield? Yes.
Miss Whitfield,
If he did what he said,
Then your dog is mutilated.
She's no longer a champion show animal.
Miss Whitfield, you don't still want to give him the $20,000, do you?
I'd give him $85,000, if I had it.
Now more than ever.
You know,
I think a telephone trace will be useless for tomorrow.
Surely he always uses a public telephone.
I heard cars in the background the first time.
Valnikov, Vicki is a dog. Yeah.
I just have to keep saying it for my own benefit. I'll drive.
I'm too hungry to travel back at your pace.
Natalie, how about having dinner with me tonight?
Did you have dinner with Miss Whitfield last night?
No. Do you feel sorry for her?
I suppose so. I notice you always feel sorry for lonely people.
You want to take me to dinner tonight because you think I'm lonely, is that it?
No. No, no, no. Because you're lonely?
I suppose so. Okay. I just wanted to get things straight.
But I'll pay for my own dinner.
Will my brother's restaurant be okay? Yes, that's fine.
Yeah. Hmm.
One thing, Valnikov. I have someone.
A daughter. She goes to Colorado State and majors in Ski Instructors,
And I don't see her too much-but I have someone.
And my friend jack Packerton is going to be a Deputy Chief someday.
Yes. I don't wonder. What I'm saying is,
I don't get dogs and people mixed up.
I don't want you to get Miss Whitfield and me mixed up, not in any respect.
No, of course not. Okay.
Let's go get some borscht.
Let's have another vodka. Um, Natalie, Russian vodka is nothing like American.
It's the difference between east and west.
It's, uh-mellow. I can drink it all night.
But it's 100 proof. Don't you think you should slow down a little?
I'm 30-goddamn-9 years old. If I want another vodka-
All right, Natalie. All right. Two more, please.
You got your case to work on. That goddamn dog.
I got my case. Your case?
Yeah. You. You're driving me nuts.
You and this stupid investigation.
You're not gonna drive me nuts and get away with it.
Ah, how about some nice hot tea? Hmm?
In a glass, huh? Russian style, no doubt. Two hot teas, please.
Why don't you slurp your borscht, huh?
Why do you have such impeccable table manners?
Why don't you talk with your mouth full like Jack Packerton, huh?
Let me butter you some nice, black bread.
Here.
Why'd your wife leave you? Uh-she said I bored her stiff.
She said I was out of date.
She wanted to go places.
Maybe she was right.
And your son? Maybe I bore him too.
I hear he's been in lots of trouble since they left.
Three arrests for drugs.
Once they let him go because his dad's a cop.
Even so, he says he hates cops. All cops.
He's still very young, Valnikov.
Kids change.
They change.
Thank you.
I'll bet your mother was really great on table manners, huh?
Your parents were from Leningrad? Hmm? "Petrograd" to them.
You know, that city is filled with cottonwoods?
And the silky seeds pile up against the buildings like snow?
Under a hot August sun, it looks like it's snowing.
L-it just piles up against the buildings like snowdrifts.
Sounds like you could get a bad case of emphysema.
All that milkweed blowing around.
Maybe. Imagine a place...
With summer streets...
Filled with silky snowdrifts.
That's-
I'll bet you would run into a burning house to save a bowl of goldfish.
Does heavy drinking make you-
Have you noticed that your mind...
Wanders a bit? Maybe you've had enough vodka, huh?
Just keep answering my questions, Valnikov.
You got your case, I got mine. Let's go to your case.
I mean, place. So I can work on my case.
My-my place?
Yeah. You got any Russian vodka there?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Um, now-
I'm not being a chauvinist, honest.
It's just that, uh-
here you go-
Russians love to give flowers.
Valnikov-
You're a crazy, crazy man.
Do you know that?
Natalie?
Top of the stair, first door to the right-
But please give me just a minute to straighten up?
Okay. I don't get many visitors.
Gravno. Gravno. Quiet, Mischa.
Valnikov!
Valnikov, where the hell are you?
Welcome, Natalie.
Get some vodka, will ya? Sure.
How about some gypsy music?
Okay. Balalaika?
Shoot the works. What the hell.
Na Zdorovye.
Would you like me to translate the lyric? Mm-hmm.
He says, "I shall drink, and drink",
"and I am always drunk-
And there is nothing I am afraid of."
Hup! Hup!
Do it! Hit it, Valnikov!
All right. Hup!
Whoa! Hey.
Hey!
Heh! Huh! Huh!
Whoo. Whoo!
Who-oo! Hup. Hup.
Hup! Uh-
Terrific. Valnikov, that was terrific.
You're terrific. I am?
Uh, you're a terrific dancer.
What's wrong, Valnikov?
Mm, I don't know. I just get sad with gypsy music.
But why? ‘Cause a Russian's supposed to.
Valnikov, you're a lousy American.
That's the loveliest waltz I've ever heard.
It's called, Strinya waltz.
I can translate the lyric, if you like.
“He sees a snowstorm howling behind the windows."
Valnikov-
“we waltzed, when we were young." Valnikov.
"And I loved you...
So much."
Valnikov?
Let's have another drink.
“Naz-drov-ee-ah." to you, very good health, madam.
What's he singing about?
He says, "the nightingales sing in the raspberry bushes."
Who but a Russian would write a lyric like that?
“Nightingales sing in the raspberry bushes."
That's a lovely thought.
Would you replay the waltz?
Tell me what the lyrics say.
"On a spring night, an unknown voice sang a beautiful melody."
What else?
“And-and I was young...
And I loved you so much."
I'm awful mad at you. I know you laid Miss Whitfield.
I'm sorry, Natalie.
It was, uh, an unusual night.
Well, you're a police officer.
It reflects badly on the whole department.
Screwing on duty.
I'm terribly sorry.
Valnikov,
What did that Russian say about the nightingales?
“The nightingales sing in the raspberry bushes."
Damn right they do.
Natalie-Andrushka.
I- what did you say?
I said, "Andrushka."
Oh, Natasha.
Oh, Andrushka.
Hello, it's me. I know.
I'm gonna settle for the $20,000. Oh, god.
Now, listen. I-I-l-l want you to write this down, all right?
Yes, yes. Put the money in a plastic bag.
All right? Now drive down to that bridge by your home.
I think they call it "Suicide Bridge"? Yes.
Okay. Now drive east over that bridge...
at exactly ten minutes past midnight-
"ten minutes past midnight-"
And throw the bag out the window of the car,
when you get to the east end.
You got it? All right. Yes.
Then drive home and go to bed.
You hear me? Yes.
I'll phone you tomorrow and tell you where to pick up Vicki.
- Is she all right? - That was not my fault.
You made me do that. I never hurt an animal in my life.
And if you call the cops, you'll never find your Vicki again.
If it's a trap, I'm gonna jump off that bridge.
That's not the way I planned it, lady,
But either I get the money or I jump, and right now I don't care which it is.
"An-dru-shka."
Yes?
Nothing.
I just love the sound of the name.
"Natasha."
Yes? Nothing.
I just... Love Natasha.
The name. You love the name.
Have a vodka.
I want to talk.
I don't need one.
I want to hear more about Charlie Lightfoot.
Charlie.
Charlie was... old for his age.
“Gone down the big sewer," charlie always said.
Human beings were nothing more than something...
to end up in the "big sewer."
He liked you, didn't he? By the end, I'm not sure charlie liked anyone.
Especially not himself.
We had a very bad time then.
Bad?
Five cases of torture-murders in one month.
All under 12 years old.
Did you get the killer?
That's just it.
They were unrelated.
Two by their mothers, two by their fathers.
One by a mother and father.
That's too many.
Tell me why they transferred you to Hollywood from homicide.
You got in an argument with a pathologist.
What case were you on?
The father cried.
I forgot how he cried.
He said he was away for several weeks,
And his wife did it.
A neighbor heard the little boy...
screaming in the night...
for three weeks.
Said she didn't want to get involved.
For three weeks?
Well, lady, if there's a hell, you'll burn there;
If there's a hell-
There is no hell, Charlie Lightfoot always said.
No heaven. Only a big sewer.
Do you have dreams?
Something about a rabbit?
In the dream,
The, uh,
Hunter guts the rabbit,
And...
turns the face inside out.
Like, uh, taking off a rubber glove.
He treats it so brutally, I have to...
look, to remember it's a-
A-
A rabbit.
The father had... wept...
so, I believed-! believed him.
And later, he confessed that they'd both done it.
Why did the hunter- the doctor-fight with you?
He felt some granules under the tongue...
that might have been toxic.
And he had a swab. But he just grabbed a bone-handled knife...
and sliced it off, and I said, "goddamn you,
you've turned his face inside out, isn't that enough?"
He was tortured and violated by his own parents.
Isn't that enough?
And I looked around-
And I just... Suddenly realized...
Charlie Lightfoot was right.
It's nothin’ more than a big sewer, and in the end, you're nothin’...
more than-
A rabbit?
Anything else, it's just-
Is what you make of it.
What we make of it.
I don't want to become like Charlie Lightfoot!
You're not anything like Charlie Lightfoot.
Would you like some eggs? I'm a pretty good cook.
Ll just have coffee.
All right.
Tea in a glass. Coffee in a cup.
East and west. I hope this coffee's all right, Natasha.
I usually drink tea, that's all. Don't call me Natasha.
That was last night. This is morning.
Sorry. Don't be sorry for me.
Valnikov. Yeah?
Do you ever think about leaving the department?
You've got 22 years.
Why not leave now? You get a good pension.
You're still young.
Well, I have thought about it, Natas-Natalie.
I have a good idea.
There's only one thing I know besides police work.
Music.
I think if someone opened a record store...
That had a good supply of imported records,
It could do well right here in Hollywood.
I've got a little money saved,
And I could live well enough on a police pension.
I've thought about it a lot, but I've never had any reason to do it.
Until now.
Valnikov, remember Itchy Mitch and The Black Marble?
I mean, after your divorce,
And your kid never came around to see you-
And those dreadful child murders,
And Charlie Lightfoot had his accident-
Didn't you ever say to yourself,
Why do I always have to pick The Black Marble?
I was always taught not to expect too much from life.
My parents didn't come to America for the good life.
- It was the end of the good life for them. - Valnikov.
I'm running around looking for a one-eared dog.
I'm sleeping here with a nutty green bird and a gentle, gentle man.
I'm even starting to call myself by another name. Natasha.
Don't call me that. This isn't a goddamn Chekhov play.
Valnikov, you've been suffering from a kind of...
Breakdown.
Your life's a mess.
My life's in order.
I didn't dream about the rabbit last night.
That's swell. I mean, if our talking was helpful, I'm very glad.
But, look, I have plans.
Jack Packerton and I are flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation.
Jack's going to be a deputy chief in his department.
Christ, Valnikov, his life's in order too.
I see.
I don't want to be always picking The Black Marble.
Yes, well-
We better get going to work.
Gotta be ready...
When that extortionist makes his final call.
And what do you say about it, Mischa?
Huh?
Clarence, thanks for comin’ in so early.
Were you able to get the surveillance teams and the helicopter?
Well, the extortionist called Miss Whitfield last night,
And she dropped the money on him.
She said she was sorry, but she had to.
I'm gonna talk to that dog handler, skinner.
I think one of Millie Gharoujian's playmates stole Tutu.
Skinner must have known them all when he was the dog's trainer.
He might give us a lead.
Okay, get it out of your system.
But you call me if you need anything.
I guess I won't be needing you. Would you please stay here and take care of our paperwork?
What the hell is this?
What the hell does it look like?
Those are nightingales in a raspberry bush.
Hold it right there!
Don't get up! Now, get down.
All the way down. On your belly!
Now you crawl. You crawl toward me.
Come on! Crawl! Come on!
Where's your goddamn newspaper now, you bastard?
Where's your newspaper now? How about the Super Bowl, you son of a bitch?
Crawl!
Come on.
Keep crawling.
Now crawl in here. Crawl.
Get in there. Come on! Move!
Move, goddamn it. All the way!
Now you tell that weasel Arnold that he should have tried it himself.
I don't Know what-
Tell your bloodsuckin' boss he ain't never gonna see a dime.
Well, you can tell him I said, "adios."
Who are you?
- I asked you first. - I'm Valnikov. Los Angeles police department.
Police department?
Didn't Arnold send you to collect?
Collect? Who are you?
Who did you think I was?
You were climbing out the window. I thought you were a burglar.
No, no, shit!
You're Philo Skinner. You stole Vicki.
You didn't know that?
I thought one of Millie Garoujian's boyfriends did it.
I wanted you to give me some names.
Oh, god. Why does everything have to happen to me?
No! Down! Down!
No! Down!
No, Brutus. Down!
Down! Down, Brutus.
Hey! What happens if I give the money back?
I didn't mean to do it!
I never hurt an animal!
Philo Skinner never hurt an animal...
In his life!
You tell them, okay?
Vicki. Oh, Vicki, you-
It's okay. You're goin' home.
Goin' home.
May I take your coat, Senor?
Uh, no. Gracias.
Uh, just bring me a margarita. Por favor?
I'm so sorry, Senor. We don't serve margaritas.
May I fix you a nice bloody Mary?
N-no. No bloody anything. Gracias.
Well, hello, sleepyhead.
This is the third time you've been awake.
Gonna stay awake this time?
Ohh. How long have I been out?
Oh, you out and in. How do you feel? Ha, never mind.
That's a dumb question.
Did you get Skinner? Not yet.
But we will.
Clarence? Is there a phone in here?
You think I'm gonna let them put an ace detective in a room without a phone?
Uh, dial Natalie for me, will ya?
Hello? Yes, it's me. Clarence.
Just a second. He wants to talk to you.
- Natalie? - Valnikov?
I was so worried. They said for us not to visit you until tomorrow.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
We heard you had a concussion. And there was gunfire.
Natalie, are you-when are you going to Hawaii?
We've-we're lucky to be able to...
arrange things.
Were leaving tomorrow afternoon.
It's better, because pretty soon the rain will come to Kauai.
Hey, baby? Who are you talking to?
Maybe I could...
visit you in the morning, though?
I could bring you something.
Some magazines, or-no, no. You needn't bother.
I've got to rest.
Now, you have a good time in Hawaii.
Ll see ya sometime.
Buenas noches, Senor Skinner.
Do you remember me? I am Doctor Rivera.
We met a few hours ago.
Well, I guess you were a bit delirious when they took you off the airplane.
Where am I?
This is the hospital Del Seguro Social.
It is the best in Puerto Vallarta.
All the rich Americans come here.
It hurts, Doctor.
- It-it's-is It- - it's still there, Mr. Skinner.
But you won't be using it for a while.
The pain is from the catheter I had to insert.
Ah-ah-ah. You were mauled pretty badly.
It was a dog, wasn't it?
Where's my flight bag?
Mr. Skinner, I'm afraid the police confiscated your flight bag.
They are talking to the American authorities, trying to determine what happened.
Please, Mr. Skinner. Satisfy our curiosity.
The bag full of money? The animal bites?
The staff here has a little-Como se dice?-
Lottery going.
Most are betting you are a bank robber.
However, I never saw a guard dog in a Los Angeles bank.
You've got a lottery going?
Oh-ho, god!
“He who lives by the bookmaker-" I think...
You are a safe, um, ah, breaker.
That's "cracker." yes! A safe-cracker.
I think you were cracking a safe, when a watchman...
Turned a guard dog on you, and-
Mister Skinner, did you kill someone?
The watchman, maybe? No, not the watchman. I killed Tutu.
And I... cut off Vicki's ear,
And I shot Walter- but he deserved it.
You will be all right.
Gracias, gracias.
Mr. Skinner, you can trust me.
You can tell me. You killed who? You cut off someone's ear?
Yes. Este gringo es otro Charles Manson!
Doctor, doctor, I'm sick as a dog.
Do me a favor. Just call the Los Angeles cops and tell 'em to take me home, okay?
They tell me it's raining in Kauai.
Natalie.
Oh! He hurt you. Hurt? I'm-no, I'm fine.
I'm swell!
But, your plane-you're not going to Hawaii?
A waste of money. And I think I'd...
Rather invest my savings in-in...
A music store or something.
Here's some grease for your crank, kid.
Play Russian gypsy.
Well, how about "Occhi Chornye," you know? "Dark eyes"?
Give us a shot of "Dark Eyes," kid.
And don't stop until I tell you.
You know the lyrics to this one?
“Dark eyes,”
“passionate eyes,"
“fiery and beautiful eyes,
how I love you-"
Yes, go on.
The rest of the song Is sad, like all gypsy songs.
Then, don't tell it to me.
"Your eyes...
are like the... Virgin in the icon."
Natalie,
I thought I'd picked The Black Marble. Oh!
I didn't want to be like Charlie Lightfoot.
You're nothing like Charlie Lightfoot.
Andrushka.
Natasha.
Hey!
Hey, ah-
I can't afford to get in trouble with the management.
How about you two just going to a motel, and I'll refund part of your money?
Gimme a break, huh? Gotta go to the bathroom.
Keep cranking, kid, or you might get a hole in your fiddle.
I can hear your heart.
I hear Russian nightingales.
Why is there never a cop in this wacko town when you need one?
Andrushka.
Natasha.