Thank you.
All right, good night.
Thank you, thank you very much indeed. My name is Eric ldle.
And if you think you're here to see Billy ldol...
...you can bugger off now, okay?
Tonight we celebrate the Ruby Jubilee of Monty Python.
That's right, we're celebrating 400 years...
...of some of these jokes.
And tonight we have for you a premiere.
We have this fantastic band...
...from the BBC.
And tonight they're under the baton of a wonderful man...
...a great partner of mine, a great composer...
...and a great friend, John Du Prez.
Now, tonight there will be one or two surprise guests...
...so if you spot them, please act surprised, okay?
And respond accordingly.
But first will you welcome, please, our soloists for tonight...
...Christopher Purves, Shannon Mercer...
...William Ferguson and Rosalind Plowright.
And in order to start the oratorio...
...will you please welcome somebody very special indeed...
...who's playing the narrator tonight, Mrs. Betty Palin.
Why do they titter so?
You know, l'd never heard of Monty Python...
...until one day in 1 940.
lt was early in the war and things were going very badly for our boys.
There was a shortage of lipstick and many of the men had to share nylons.
ln a small hotel near Henley...
...where l'd gone for a weekend with a rear admiral...
...l found a book that was to change my life...
...and eventually my sex.
ln 1 942, after a brief naval operation...
...l became a woman...
...and moved to Canada to become a lumberjack.
And then on to Alaska to give birth to a governor...
...but that's another story.
The book l found...
...was by someone called Monty Python.
And it was called:
The Book of Brian.
The Book of Brian
From The Book of Brian
And at that time
There shall be chaos
Chaos
Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos
Chaos
And confusion
Confusion
Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos
Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion
Chaos and confusion
Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos
Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion
And irritation
Oh, damn, damn, damn, damn Damn, damn, damn, damn
Damn, damn, damn, damnation
Damnation
Chaos and confusion
Chaos and damnation
Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos
Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion
Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos
Chaos, chaos, chaos and damnation
And disagreement
-l don't agree -l disagree
-You're telling me -l don't agree
You don't agree with me?
-Oh, no -l don't agree with all of you
-And so, what's that supposed to mean? -Don't know
-l disagree -You're telling me you don't agree
l disagree with all of you
-l'm right -You're wrong
l'm right, you're wrong
-l don't agree -l disagree
-You're telling me -l don't agree
-Don't agree with me? -Oh, no
l disagree with all of you
And so, what's that supposed to mean?
-Don't know -l disagree
You're telling me you don't agree
Oh, get lost! Shut up!
There was a general feeling That the end of the world was nigh
There shall be monsters
With swollen bellies and great big lips
And the beast shall have six heads
And will run about the streets
On 1 2 legs shouting '' Fire!''
ln crowded places
There shall be monsters
With swollen bellies and great big lips
-And the beast shall have six heads -And the beast shall have six heads
-And will run about the streets -And will run about the streets
-On 1 2 legs shouting '' Fire!'' -Fire, fire, fire, fire
-On 1 2 legs shouting '' Fire!'' -Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire
ln crowded places
-And a 1 6-breasted Gorgon -And a 1 6-breasted Gorgon
-Shall squat on a pole -Shall squat on a pole
Singing in French
And some will say this is crap
And religion is a trap
And instead of reading prophecies
You'd far better take a nap
But other people
Will be sore afraid
Other people
Will be sore afraid
Other people
Will be sore afraid
And cry out
Unto their Lord
O God, you are so big
You are so very huge
My word
What a size you are
And we are tiny in thy sight
So very small and very grotty
And smelly and stupid
And cheesy and spotty
-You are so big -You are so big
-We are so small -We are so small
-You are so huge -You are so huge
-We are so tiny -We are so tiny
You are so big
And we are naughty
ln thy sight
O God, you are so big
You are so very huge
My word
What a size you are
And we are tiny in thy sight
So very small and very grotty
And smelly and stupid
And cheesy and spotty
-You are so big -You are so big
-We are so small -We are so small
-You are so huge -You are so huge
-We are so tiny -We are so tiny
You are so big
And we are naughty
-ln -ln
Thy sight
The evangelist Monty tells of...
...the rather less than immaculate conception of Brian.
There was a young woman Called Mandy
A friend of the Lord's
Who sold gourds in a stall
Oh, who will buy my pretty gourds?
Round and small
Five shekels for them all
Along came a Roman centurion
-Nice gourds -Said he
Mind if l touch 'em?
-Dream on -Said she
No one gets to touch my gourds
Till l see
The rewards for me
-Nothing is free -Well--
He promised me Half the then-known world
Asses' milk
To bathe in every day
All the gold that l could eat
A house in Rome
Right on the Appian Way
Soon he had his way with her
Proved he was a man
But like a rat out of an aqueduct
When he was done, he ran
Mandy was abandoned
All alone
Where was she to go?
Oh, woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe, woe -Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe, woe -Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe
Woe, woe, woe
Alone, abandoned, and worse
Six weeks without the curse
Such rotten luck
She was knocked up
Woe, oh, woe, oh, woe
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Alone without a husband
-What's to become of me? -Not a lot
Where can l turn?
And what can l do?
-What chance for my progeny? -None whatever
ln an utterly male-dominated world
ln a Middle East society
A woman who is not married at all
-What kind of chance has she? -Not a snowball's chance in hell
-The time drew nigh -Nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh
-For now there is really no doubt -No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
That she was clearly great with child
And really not bad without
Know what l mean Say no more
Nudge, nudge
Bethlehem in Judea.
Nought BC.
And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields
Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night
And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields
Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night
Oh, we are humble shepherds And our flocks we keep
There's nothing we like better Than just watching sheep
We count them every day and night Until we fall asleep
And then we count them once again 'Cause we love sheep
Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep
They're full of woolly thinking lntellectually not deep
But never mind their minds We finds
We all love sheep
l wouldn't watch a flock of birds Peep peep peep
And watching flocks of cats Would just make my skin creep
And watching bloody camels ls enough to make you weep
They gives us all the hump Because we all love sheep
Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep
They're nicer than a wife And they are certainly more cheap
And you can eat them afterwards And get some sleep
We all love sheep
ls it A.D. yet?
About a quarter to.
Look, in the sky over Bethlehem!
Jesus Christ!
No, next door.
Oh, Mrs. Cohen's.
Oh, blimey, it's a boy.
He was born in a stable
-ln a far distant land -Amen, brother.
He was born on a table
The only thing handy
To a woman named Mandy
This man we call Brian
He was not the chosen one
Not the hero of his race
Just the wrong man at the wrong time ln the wrong place
He was not the chosen one
Not the hero of his race
Just the wrong man at the wrong time
ln the wrong place
This man that we call
Brian
And the young boy Brian Grew to be a man
ln all the usual places
And dreamed of doing Very naughty things
To girls with lovely faces
l dreamed that girls Wearing only underwear
Undressed me and caressed me
They rubbed me and scrubbed me And tubbed me in warm oil
And on my body they pressed me
And his mother said:
Brian, leave it alone
And stop this sighing and moaning
Take those naughty scrolls And throw them on the coals
Or we'll be late for the stoning
l am not coming with you, Mother dear
Stoning is so depressing
l have something that l want to say
That you may find distressing
l want to change the world
To set my people free
Suddenly l can see
What was meant to be
This is a promised land
A place we can call home
l foresee our destiny
One day free from Rome
Once we're free
From Roman tyranny
We can live quite happily
ln Galilee
And so let's change the world
Let's make the whole world see
We are freer
ln Judea
Than anyone could hope
To be
Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now l'm free
Freedom, freedom, freedom Now l'm free
Just give me freedom, freedom
That is all l need
Hallelujah, now l'm free
Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now l'm free
Freedom, freedom, freedom Now l'm free
Just give me freedom, freedom
That is all l need
Hallelujah, now l'm free
-Just give me freedom -Freedom, freedom
Now l'm free
-l said freedom -Freedom, freedom, now l'm free
Just give me freedom, freedom
That is all l need
Hallelujah, now l'm free Oh, yeah
Hallelujah, now l'm free
Oh, yeah
Sentimental claptrap.
What do you know of freedom?
Freedom from the Romans.
That's a joke. You are a Roman.
No, l'm not, l'm a Jew.
Your father was a Roman.
What? Mr. Cohen?
No, not Mr. Cohen. That's your cousin's brother.
Your real father was a Roman.
Oh, no.
Oh, woe, woe, woe.
-Woe, woe, woe, woe -Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe
Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe, woe -Woe, woe, woe
-Woe, woe, woe
Shut up!
l am struck dumb.
Dumb, dumb, dumb
Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum, dum, dum
Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum--
Shut up!
l am going to avenge you, Mother.
Rome will rue the day they invaded you.
l shall seek out the enemies of Rome and join them.
The Romans are all bastards
They have bled us till we're white
They've taken everything we've got As if it was their right
And we've got nothing in return
Though they make so much fuss
What have the Romans Ever done for us?
What have the Romans What have the Romans
Ever done for us?
-The aqueduct. -What?
They gave us the aqueduct.
Oh, yes, they did give us that That's true
-And sanitation -Yes, that too
The aqueduct, l'll grant is one Thing the Romans may have done
And the roads, now they're all new
And the great wines too
Well, apart from The wines and fermentation
And the canals for navigation
And public health for all the nation
Apart from those, which are a plus
What have the Romans Ever done for us?
What have the Romans What have the Romans
Ever done for us?
-The baths. -What?
The public baths.
Oh, yes, Reg.
The public baths are a great delight
And it's safe to walk ln the streets at night
-Cheese -And medicine
lrrigation
-Roman law -And education
The circus for our delectation
And the gladiation
Well, apart from medicine, irrigation
Health, roads, cheese and education
Baths and the Circus Maximus
What have the Romans Ever done for us?
What have the Romans What have the Romans
Ever done for us?
-Brought peace. -Oh, shut up!
Are you the Judean People's Front?
What? Judean People's Front we're not
Nor the Popular Front of Judea
Nor the People's Popular Front You silly bunt
We're the People's Front of Judea
Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea
The Popular Front we're not
Nor the People's Front, you clot
For we're the People's Front of Judea
Can l join you?
Before you join us, Brian
You should know There's not a single man
Who would not willingly suffer death
To rid this country of the Romans
-One. -Okay, yes, there's just one.
But we're the People's Front of Judea
Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea
The Popular Front we're not
Nor the People's Front, you twat
For we're the People's Front of Judea
Hi, l'm Judith
l'm from Judea
l'm Brian.
-l know. -Okay.
-l joined because l wanted to be freer -You too?
lf there's anything l can do
l'll be happy to help you
Oh, good.
For we're the People's Front of Judea
Right, Brian, you're in.
Now, then, new motion.
The People's Front of Judea...
...firmly believes and states irrevocably for all time...
...that it is the inalienable rights of every man--
-Or woman. -Or woman, to rid himself--
Or herself.
Or herself. Thank you, brother.
-Or sister. -Or sister.
-Where was l? -Birthright.
Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man--
-Or woman. -Why don't you...
...shut up about women, Stan?
Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
Why are you always talking about women, Stan?
l want to be one.
What?
l want to be a girl
To make my dreams come true
l want to see the world
From a woman's point of view
l want to wear high heels
And put makeup on my face
To wear a push-up bra
And have panties made of lace
-Good grief. -l want to be a girl
That's all l want to be
l want to be a girl
Dear me
l want to be a girl
Like every other lass
To stress about my breast size
And complain about my ass
l want to shave my legs
lnstead of just my beard
At the end of every month
l want to be extremely weird
l want to be his girl
That's all l want to be
You want to be the girl
For me?
l want to find a guy
Who l can run to see
My fantasy who'll one day say
''Stan, you're the man for me''
l want to have a baby
And feed it on fresh lox
Where's the foetus to gestate?
You're gonna keep it in a box?
l want to be your girl
A wife and mother too
-l want to be a girl like you -l want to be a girl like you
l want a world that's new
A world completely better
From now on, please call me Loretta
What the...?
Supposing we say he can't have babies, not having a womb...
...but he can have the right to have babies.
-Open up! -Who is it?
The Roman Empire.
Quick, run for it. Every man for himself.
So young Brian fled To the market square
There were lots of preachers Teaching there
And a burning Bush shall come out of a White House burning everything.
A friend shall lose his friend's hammer.
Blessed are the accountants, for they shall file tax returns.
There shall be monsters
But over the rest of Judea, there'll be showers...
...with scattered outbreaks of plague.
Here, is that Brian, one of the revolutionaries?
No, l think he's just a preacher.
How blessed are the birds.
What?
How blessed are the birds.
Are you the Messiah?
-No. -You are, aren't you?
-No. No, l'm not. -You look like one.
Well-- Well, l'm not.
Hail Messiah!
-Hail Messiah! -You are the Messiah.
And l should know, l've followed a few.
You're the one
You've finally come along
You're the one to show us Right from wrong
You're the one
You're the one l adore
You're the one That we've been waiting for
To cure the meek and heal the poor
You're the one
-Like a rock in the dark -Like a rock in the dark
-Like a candle in the middle of a park -Like a candle in the middle of a park
-Like a cake -Like a cake
-That's been left out in the rain -That's been left out in the rain
-On a plain in Spain -On a plain in Spain
You're the one we're dreaming of
You're the bright and shining Light of love
Like a torch from up above
You're the one
There's no doubt
You're the one we cannot live without
You're the living proof, let's shout
You're the one
There's no doubt
You're the one we cannot live without
You're the living proof, let's shout
You're the one
Help me, please. Please.
The story so far:
Brian, a good Jewish boy, if you'll pardon the expression...
...has discovered that his father was a Roman.
Shocked and torn, he has joined the Republicans...
...a group of power-hungry, desperate people with no future.
Hiding from the Romans, he is mistaken by the mob for the Messiah...
...and flees back to his place with Judith...
...for a cup of tea and a good cry.
ln his haste to escape the mob, Brian, like Cinderella...
...drops the shoe.
Part Four: Baroque and Roll.
The chosen one has disappeared
He has been taken up
See where he has dropped a shoe
A shoe?
That must be some kind of clue
Behold his shoe
-lt is a sign from God -lt is a sign from God
-Let us all now praise his shoe -Let us all now praise his shoe
-Hail to the shoe -Hail to the shoe
Let us all now praise his shoe
Raise up the shoe
This shoe will show us what to do
l must take issue with this shoe
A shoe can't tell us what to do
But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him
That's true
We must take issue with this shoe
A shoe can't tell us what to do
But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him
lt's true
This is the shoe lt's holy too
See his little toes poke through
Hail to the shoe lt's holy too
See, his sole is shining through
When he is walking down the street lf he's got one shoe on his feet
Then we can very clearly spot
Which one is him and which is not
Yes, when he's walking down the street lf he's got one shoe on his feet
Then we can very clearly spot
Which one is him and which is not
l don't believe in that shoe
l think it's stupid, don't you?
We think it's true
Believe in the shoe
Or else it will be death to you
Kill him today
Might as well anyway
Unbelievers all must pay
-For he must die -Yes, he must die
-Or we shall know -The reason why
-And he must pay -Yes, he must pay
With his life for his heresy today
-For he must die -Yes, he must die
-Or we shall know -The reason why
-And he must pay -Yes, he must pay
With his life for his heresy today
Hail to the shoe
Death to those who
Have different views
Concerning his shoes
-Hail to the shoe -Hail to the shoe
-Death to those who -Death to those who
-Have different views -Have different views
Concerning his shoes
And while we kill him
Let us all pray
Hail to the shoe
And lo, Brian did go home with Judith...
...and they did lie down together upon a mattress.
That was wonderful.
But enough opera. Let's have some sex!
Brian Cohen
What the hell is going on?
Oh, horror
lt's my mother
Who the heck is this?
Mumsy, this is Judith
What the hell's she doing here?
Discussing revolution
ln the dark?
Open the window right now
All right, Mummy
Morning, saviour.
Hooray, the chosen one has woken
Good morning, saviour
Hail Messiah
Brian, what the hell is going on?
Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen
Put some clothes on first
Who are all these people?
They have just popped by
Popped by? More like swarmed by
There's a multitude
They think that l am the Messiah
Hail Messiah
Show us the Messiah
He's not the Messiah
He's a very naughty boy
Who are you?
l am his mother
Hail to the mother of Brian
Hail to Mandy, mother of Brian
Are you a virgin?
How dare you?
She must be
lt's so hard being a mother.
He was such a lovely little boy.
When did he grow up?
Where did the time go?
One day he's playing around with his little dreidels...
...and the next you find him in bed with a naked tart.
Oh, Brian. Brian, what's to become of me?
Don't worry, Mum.
We'll come and visit.
We will, Mrs. Cohen. Honest.
lt's all so sad
When they grow up
When he was young
Sweet as can be
My little boy
He said to me:
''When l grow up
l'll set you free
And we will live so happily''
l was just 1 0
How could l know what l'd do then?
How things would go?
Finding some girl
And then leaving me
O misery
When they grow up
And as for me
Now l have grown
l have found out
What l should have known
Everyone reaps what they have sown
l too have found
Someone of my own
When we grow up
As we must do
And find that certain somebody who
Makes us feel young
Makes us feel free
Then we grow up
And live happily
And as for me
Now l have grown
And l have found
What l should have known
Everyone reaps The seeds they have sown
l too have found
Someone of my own
When we grow up
As we must do
And find that certain somebody who
Makes me feel young
Listens to me
l've grown up, Mum
Please set me free
She makes me feel free
Finally
Who are you lot anyway?
Let me tell you precisely who we are.
Oh, we come from The mountains and valleys
We come from the armpits of Rome
From the holes Where the coals all lie buried
To the mountain's shining dome
We are poor working men Who all need a
New light in the darkness and gloam
And we seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
Take us home
And we seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
From the Red Sea to the Dead Sea
To the golden streets of Rome
From the deep dark holes Where they dig out the coals
To the builders up on the dome
From the working man in his hovel
To the fisherman lost on the foam
We all seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
Take us home
Oh, we seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
Take us home
Oh, we seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
Take us home
Oh, we seek the promised leader
Who will take us home
All right, Brian, you can talk to them.
But just for a minute.
Now, listen, you have made a mistake
l am not the Messiah
But you look like one
l am not the chosen one
But we have chosen you
Tell your people what we should do
You should all piss off
How shall we piss off, Lord?
Don't follow people You are all individuals
That's right, we're all individuals
l'm not.
That's right, we're all individuals
You must make up your own minds For yourselves
That's right, we must make up Our own minds for ourselves
Don't let anyone tell you what to do
That's right, tell us more
No, don't you see? You've got to think for yourselves
Yes, we have to think for ourselves
Tell us what we have to Think for ourselves
No, nobody can tell you what to do
Except you
No, not even me
Here, Brian, let me help you out with this.
They're just not getting this, okay?
Better.
Hey, listen, people, listen to me
This is what he's trying to say
Each of you must Make up your own minds
Have your different point of view
Some people have And some will have
But time has got you by the balls
But you must to your own selves Be true
For you're all individuals
You don't know how bad Your fate can get
Then one day you find You're played by Cate Blanchett
So l'll take your hand Make up your mind
Choose a healthy point of view
Don't follow leaders Or parking meters
They tell you all what you must do
Well, some people preach you Others will teach you
They don't know what l can do
You must to your own selves Be true
'Cause you're all individuals
Yes, we'll do whatever you say
Because we're....
Brian!
Judith. Oh, thank heaven, it's you!
Yes, Brian, it is.
So it was all a dream.
No, Brian, this is the dream. You're still asleep.
Oh, no. So, what's going to happen to me?
Well, all you're doing is advocating peace, right?
-Right. -Well, then they'll probably just kill you.
-What? -But your ideas will live on.
Oh, great.
Well, l must go now.
Why?
Because you're still asleep, and you're getting one of those--
Sorry.
When l was young
l dreamed that life was always Here to stay
When l was young
Tomorrow seemed so very far away
Now l've grown
l've found that all my time has flown
And one thing that l should have known
Life is very short
But there are always friends
And there is always love to share
So before
Your journey ends
Don't give in to despair
Find your dream
Before your dream can slip away
Find your dream
Tomorrow is another day
You may not get a second chance
For romance
So before it's too late
Don't hesitate Find your dream
-Find your dream -Find your dream
Life doesn't always Turn out right for you
Life can be so hard
-Find your dream -Find your dream
-ln every single thing you try to do -No guarantee
You'll find your reward
You can be blind To what is really on your mind
So before it's too late
Don't hesitate Find your dream
-Find your dream -Find your dream
-Before your dream can slip away -Slip away
-Find your dream -Find your dream
-Tomorrow is another day -Another day
You may not get a second chance
For romance
So before it's too late
Don't hesitate Find your dream
So before it's too late
Don't hesitate Find your dream
Brian Cohen
l have come to take you away
Who are you?
Are you Death?
No, l'm Biggus Dickus
Hail Caesar
That's wight, Bwian.
Bigguth Dickuth...
...is my best fwend fwom Wome.
Dethist, you wowdy wadicals.
You are a webel, Bwian, and a wapscallion and a Wepublican.
Centurion...
...why do they titter so?
Just some Jewish joke, sir.
Theath thith wibaldwy at onth.
l won't be wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
Thith man wanks higher than any in Wome.
Awest this man and thwow him woughly into a thell.
Brian Cohen
You are under arrest
Arrested and restrained
Brian was captured and jailed
lt seems his plans had all now failed
Detained and chained and then
He was throwned into a pen
With a very silly man Who was named Ben
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What are they going to do to me?
Oh, you'll probably get away with just crucifixion.
Crucifixion?
Yeah, first offence.
''Get away with crucifixion''?
Well, at least it gets you out lnto the open air
Best thing the Romans ever did for us
lf we didn't have crucifixion
This country would be ln a right bloody mess
What?
Nail 'em up, l say Nail 'em up, l say
Nail some sense into 'em
Now, take my case They hung me up
For five long years of pain
And every night, they take me down
Then they hang me up again
Which l regard as very, very fair
ln view of what l done
lf nothing else, it's taught me to Respect the Romans, son
lt's taught me that in this old life
There's only one right way
You must do a fair day's work For a fair day's pay
A fair day's work for a fair day's pay
That is what The lower middle classes say
So do your duty every day
A fair day's work for a fair day's pay
Once l was a lad in the Hudson Bay
l'd cut down trees every single day
l'd sleep all night and work all day
And walk away contented With a fair day's pay
He'd sleep all night and work all day
And walk away contented With a fair day's pay
A fair day's work for a fair day's pay
That is what The lower middle classes say
So do your duty every day
A fair day's work for a fair day's pay
Yes, l was a lumberjack, okay
Going to the lavatory every day
l'd work very hard With me tiny little axe
At night l'd visit naughty bars To help relax
He'd work very hard With his tiny little axe
And at night he'd visit naughty bars To help relax
l'd work away in a very butch way
Chopping down tall trees every day
l'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights
And go and seek the company Of transvestites
He'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights
And go and seek the company Of transvestites?
That's enough of that, okay
We don't give a duck lf you're completely gay
-Brian. -Mother.
What are you doing here?
l'm going to be crucified.
l've brought you some clean underwear.
-Judith! -Hello, Brian. l've come to say goodbye.
Goodbye?
Well, yes, Brian, you're going to be crucified.
Oh, yes. Well, l suppose...
...if this is goodbye...
...then l must....
What?
l must...
...sing.
This is the final song
l'll sing for you
That's nice.
There's nothing more
That l can do
One final song
And then l'm gone
So far away from you
l will stay true
Though we're apart
But still my heart
Will always be with you
-Our final song -Our final song
-Will not take long -Will not take long
-And then we're gone -And then we're gone
-lt's farewell to you -lt's farewell to you
This is the final song
l'll sing for you
There's nothing more
That l can do
One final song
And then we're done
And l am leaving you
This final day
-This final day -This final day
When we can say
-When we can say -When we can say
My life is done
And we sing my song
-lt's our song too -lt's our song too
Their final song
-Their final song -Their final song
Let's hope it will
Not take too long
This is the final song
l'll sing for you
There's nothing more
That l can do
One final song
And then we're done
And l am leaving you
When l'm away
-When he's away -When he's away
l'll hope you'll play
-We're sure to play -We're sure to play
-This final song -This final song
-lt's all l'll have of you -lt's all l'll have of you
This final day
When l can say
My life is done
And we sing my song
He sings so well
Apart from this
-Apart from this -Apart from this
There is no more
-Crucifixion? -Yes.
Good. Out of the door. Turn right. One cross each.
Line on the left.
Next.
-Crucifixion? -Yes.
Out of the door. Turn right. One cross each.
Line on the left.
Next.
Crucifixion?
No. Freedom for me.
What?
Freedom for me. They said l hadn't done nothing...
...so l could go free and live on an island somewhere.
Oh, well, that's jolly good.
Well, off you go, then.
Nah, l'm just pulling your leg.
lt's crucifixion really.
Yes. Yes, very good.
-Yeah. -Very good. Very good.
You know the way, out the door.
-Out the door. Line on the left. -One cross each.
-Yep. Yep. -Yeah. Yeah. l've done it before.
Crucifixion?
Excuse me, but there's been some sort of mistake.
Oh, well, we'll sort that out later.
Oh, that's a good one, eh?
''We'll sort it out later, after you've been crucified.''
-Typical bloody Romans, eh? -Now you can shut up.
Or what? l'll have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?
But l don't want to be crucified.
Oh, cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you sad
Other things just make you Swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things Turn out for the best
And
Always look on the bright side of life
See?
Always look on the light side of life
lf life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing
lf you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly, chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing
And always look on The bright side of life
Very good.
Always look on the light side of life
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain With a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it lt's your last chance anyhow
So always look on The bright side of death
Just before you draw Your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke lt's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember The last laugh is on you
And always look on The bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Key change.
Always look on the bright side of life
And always look on The bright side
Of life
Thank you.
Oh, dear.
l never wanted to be a Roman...
...wepressing wadicals wigorously on a wegular basis for the west of my life.
l didn't want to attend a 40th-anniversary concert...
...at the Royal Albert Hall. No, no, no. No.
l wanted to be...
...a lumberjack!
Leaping from tree to tree...
...as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.
The giant redwood.
The larch. The fir.
The mighty Scots pine.
The lofty flowering cherry.
The plucky little aspen.
The limping Nigerian rude tree.
The great wattle of Aldershot.
The Maidenhead weeping water plant.
The naughty flashing oak of Leicestershire.
The flatulent elm of West Ruislip.
The Quercus Maximus Bambergascoignus.
With my best girl by my side!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!
Oh, l'm a lumberjack, and l'm okay
l sleep all night and l work all day
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night And he works all day
l cut down trees l eat my lunch
l go to the lavatory
On Wednesdays l go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea
He cuts down trees He eats his lunch
He goes to the lavatory
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay
He sleeps all night And he works all day
l cut down trees l skip and jump
l like to press wildflowers
l put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
He cuts down trees He skips and jumps
He likes to press wildflowers
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?
-He's a lumberjack, and he's okay -And l'm okay
-He sleeps all night and he works all day -l sleep all night and l work all day
l cut down trees
l wear high heels Suspendies and a bra
l wish l'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
-Hey! -He cuts down trees
He wears high heels Suspenders and a bra?!
-He's a lumberjack, and he's okay -l'm a lumberjack, and l'm okay
-He sleeps all night and he works all day -l sleep all night and l work all day
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
Oh, Bevis, l thought you were so rugged!
He sleeps all night And he works all day