We're about to get it started man! Move it up...
We go baby!
- Big George! - Alright
- Hey what's up? - What's happening?
Everybody's alright?
- Kennedy Center man - Yup!
Live? Hey, we're live on HBO right now
You've been in this place here before?
This place is the greatest that's why I came down here
- JFK? - Amazing
- Where are you from Ben? - From K-town L.A. Baby
What's up? Yeah man Alright
- K-town, dawg - And Rhea Moss
Moss' from Seoul, South Korea she came here... 20 bucks
- You know what I'm saying? - That's how we do it
That's how the immigrants do it That's what makes America great
Yeah it is man, that's what nigga's all about
It's great right here
I'm just glad to be at The Kennedy Center, you know...
Where I came through the back
- You came... - I came through the back door
But it's not... You know I joked through this time
I sneaked through the kitchen nobody ever saw me
But you know, seriously though?
- We're meant to be here - Yeah man!
That's right, these are my homies
- You've got work to do bro - What's up? Carlos Santana?
Hope you wash your mouth before you go
Ready to do this? We're live right here
Ladies and gentelmen!
Welcome to the stage
Live from D.C. At The Kennedy Center
George Lopez!
Hey!
A Mexican flag right there!
Alright... I mean, oh right on! Hi!
I better be speaking some Spanish tonight
I'll sprinkle in some English
For the 7 caucasians that are here thank you so much
I married into the family so I have to be here
This is, one of the greatest places to perform, anywhere in the world
The Kennedy Center
I've been here...
I know, I know huh!
I've been here 10 times
And standing here looking at who's here
This fucking place has never looked liked this
- Thank you - "George Lopez we love you"
I love you too, don't let me down
You remind me of somebody better though, save it!
Listen!
This is my fourth live... But here's what happened today
Like you get in the elevator
and you know, you're there and this lady's looking at me
and she's like..."I know you"
And I'm... I'm like "Yeah" She goes "Yes I..."
"God, I don't have a signal or I would google you, ah!"
She goes "Yes I know..." You know, I told her, I said
"I put it in your driveway"
You know what that fucking lady said? "Yes"
"Yes you did"
"Yes"
"I never got a chance to thank you"
I said "Yeah, but I didn't do it alone..."
She said, "Can you put in a fountain on monday?"
I said...
I said what all the workers say
"You can do it"
So I'm doing this special live tonight and tomorrow
Then tomorrow I'm off
And then Monday I'm putting in the fountain
Let me tell you something about this fucking... First of all
let me tell you something about... I know everybody...
Donald Trump fucked that...
Fuck him!
In case there was any question Fuck him!
Fuck him today, fuck him tomorrow
and fuck him three and a half years from now
And if you voted for him fuck you today...
Fuck you tomorrow and fuck you three years from now
Oh, my God it's so exciting
So if you hear I died tomorrow morning, I didn't OD alright?
Listen! that's what you get when you're an American
You get freedom of speech you get the first amendment
you're wrapped around the flag everybody's created equal
There are no minorities because we're all equal!
The word "minority" needs to disappear
If we're all created equal take "minority" out
I don't want to be called a minority
because that means I'm less than you
If you're calling me a minority you think I'm less than you
I'm going to tell you something right now
You call me a minority, you will lose the majority, you fucking...
Alright? I'll knock your fucking teeth out, how about that one?
You can smile like that
There's tension in the air...
There is tension
I'm a Mexican-American
We're in D.C.
You got a guy that's president
that questioned Barack Obama's citizenship, for 8 years
He said he wasn't a citizen It's like, you know what?
You're not really orange so sit the fuck down
Alright? It's a great time
Donald Trump is so orange the first time my Thio saw him
he tried to pick him he was like "That's..."
"That's the biggest orange I've ever seen"
"Thio, that's not an orange"
"Where is that tree? Where is that tree?"
"Because I'm going where is that tree?"
The wall, everybody's talking about the wall
They ask me, "How do you feel about the wall?"
I say, "You know what? We'll get over it"
You think that's the answer? A fucking wall?
Listen, people of Mexico they got the internet and airplanes...
We can fly over the wall
What about the president of Mexico?
Donald Trump told the president of Mexico...
"Stop saying that you won't pay for the wall"
"Because that makes me look bad Just say you're going to do it"
And the Mexican president said...
And Donald Trump's like... "Great, we agree"
I'm going to tell Donald Trump
"You wan to make America great? Fucking resign!"
"Resign!"
"And take the fucking rugrats with you"
The stork and the two sons
And the...
And the son in law... Fuck, Jack Scary
Listen! Latinos always hire people when they work
But they're not as fucked up as that Ford
At least we have a skill
Let me tell you something! This wall right here
30 million, I'm going to tell you something right now
I can do it cheaper! Alright?
I just put a driveway in...
I'm putting in a fountain on Monday
I'm your man
Really, i'm not the man because we're assimilated
Here's the thing, I have a lot of respect, I'm assimilated
Because, you know I was born here
But I have respect for people who come from other countries
who come to America who want to live a better life
That's what made America America, immigrants!
Your great-great-grandfathers
How...
How can anyone seriously stand there and say
"Go back to where you came from"?
Why don't you fucking go back to where you came from?
"I'm from Connecticut" No, no!
"Further back!"
"Maine?"
Immigrants are not the problem that America has, okay?
We're not the problem, you can't... You have to stop blaming
America's troubles on immigrants
Because they do the shit that nobody wants to do
You think that we're lazy? Let me tell you something
First they say that fucking immigrants are lazy
and they're stealing jobs you can't be both!
So... Decide which one it is
Cause you can't be lazy and steal a job!
But if you wanted to steal a job there's one about a mile away
you can fucking snatch!
Laziness... We're not lazy!
Let me tell you something it's hard to convince Latinos
the shit that other people miss work for
"Chronic fatigue syndrome?"
"I have Chronic fatigue syndrome"
"You're always tired?" "Yes"
"And you only have one job?"
"Repetitive motion?"
"You're missing work because you have to do repetitive motion?"
"My boss just expects so much from me"
"Yes, fucking mine too!"
Don't fuck with those people because...
they can't be taking jobs Let me tell you something
Just because you don't want to work the hours they work
Don't say that they're stealing jobs
I got in an elevator at 2:30 in the morning
And I said "Ah! You're working late"
Why would I even assume...
that somebody working at 2:30 spoke English? Come on!
"Can you push number five?"
"Five? Okay five!"
For 30 billion dollars...
You can get Latinos in Mexico to line up and be their own wall
"You get paid, come here, you want 500 dollars, stand right here"
"Line up, 500 dollars, 500..."
"Don't let nobody pass or they're going to get mad"
"That man is going to get mad"
After 8 hrs. "You're next! Stand right there"
The wall, that's an answer
That's the big answer that's the big...
That's going to cost 30 billion dollars
We're going to build a wall
Why don't you take 30 billion dollars
And give some fresh water for people who drink
And give everybody healthcare
And take care of the elderly
And fix the schools
And then with the rest we could throw a fucking party!
How much is there left? 18 billion?
We can throw a nice party and everything
No, that's not the answer
First of all, they say there is 11 million
undocumented people in there
First of all, no one is illegal that's number 1
no one is illegal
It's amazing to me how documented
the undocumented are
If you're undocumented you might as well not have documents!
But we have documents "What do you want?"
"My birth certificate? For what year? Tell me''
"How old do you want me to be?"
"I'm going to make myself younger! Stay right there"
"Here, take this one and make a copy for everyone over there"
11 million and the answer... is a wall
11 million, you know what's that like?
It's like putting a condom on after you fuck
"It's out, it's out it's out"
"Put it back" "I can't put it back"
"Well, turn the pillow over come on let's go"
You don't need less immigrants in this country
You need more Okay? You need more
Or, raise your own kids cook your own food
Pick the grapes for your own fucking wine
Do Latino lives matter? You're fucking right!
If you want to ever fucking eat then they matter
"You like strawberries?" "Don't hurt them!"
"Alright then!"
When I was thirteen my grandfather told me...
"I got you a job for the summer" I said "What is it?"
Then he said "You'll see" and I'm like...
"It's never good when you say you'll see"
He said "You'll see" I said "No I want to know"
"When their van comes you get in"
"I'm not getting in" "Yeah you are"
It was picking tomatoes in Sacramento for the summer
and I said "I'm not doing it" he goes "You are"
He said "You're not Mexican?" I'm like "Yes, but not like that"
"Alright, not like that"
Somebody told me to go back to Mexico, a fourth generation!
I don't know anybody in Mexico
We would be wandering around "Hey!"
"How is it going?"
"I know you" "Yeah?"
"You look like Cheech Fuck Chong"
"What?"
If I go to Mexico you don't realize
how American you are when you go to Mexico
You're right there eating in a restaurant
Everybody's drinking and having fun, Mariachi...
You're the only one "Hi, em... there's a lot of flies"
"in here"
"You don't have screens for any of these windows"
"Alright"
"And can you tell that kid to stop singing"
"I'm not paying for any of those fucking songs"
"And I don't want any gum God damn it!"
We can't go back to Mexico
It's like taking a lion from the zoo
Who's only known the zoo life
And taking the lion to the jungle that fucking lion would be...
"How come they don't smell like popcorn no more"
Then you hear another lion...
"Fuck, fuck it I fucking peed, shit"
"What's that? That's a lion fuck! I don't sound like that"
"He's mad"
"Where's the lady with the bucket and the meat and the kids?"
No, let me tell you something this is beau...
The stuff that people have now is really ridiculous
The way the world is
You know everybody has got shit you give to yourself
Anxiety, everybody has anxiety
Except Latinos, we don't and we're the one that should
"Who's out... who's out there?"
You see people and you're like "Are you alright?"
"I have anxiety, alright?"
"Fucking take it easy, you're fucking giving me anxiety, relax"
Then you have anxiety you either take a pill
or you go to a doctor
and they let you carry a fucking dog everywhere you go
That's the cure? A fucking Pomeranian?
"I'm better"
You know what Latinos use for anxiety
African American people? Right here
"Where is your dog?" "My dog? Oh!"
"Ochinga, I sold him to buy weed"
"The fucker was giving me anxiety"
"Ochinga with a Birkin"
None of that stuff works listen
This is great country, everybody is different, but you have to live
Everybody's worried about what the fuck they're eating
What's in it
You go to a restaurant "Hi, what kind of oil is that?"
"Is it fresh?"
"I'm making some right now"
I'm going to let you in on a trade secret
I might as well tell you guys because...
like magicians, Mexicans keep their secrets to themselves
When you go to a Mexican restaurant
And they tell you that the Tostada salad is gluten free
It's not! Look at the...
I'm going to tell you, Gluten hasn't hit the Mexican community yet
But if it's free, fucking we'll take it it's free?
"It's free, get the truck and go get the gluten"
"The man said that the gluten is free, go get the gluten"
"And ask him if he wants that Cheerios on that porch"
Gluten free Allergies!
I was at Disney Land this little kid, was freaking out
crying, throwing himself on the ground
Swallowed his tongue
Took his helmet off and threw it in disgust
Because his dinner roll touched the chicken
That's what you're allowing your kids to get away with
His dinner roll touched the chicken
And the mom was getting him another dinner
Because he doesn't like when the food touches
That's the fucking problem with kids today
That's the fucking problem!
Fuck him and his dinner roll!
We wanted our food to touch because it looked like more
Put it all together, like a little mountain, make it look like more
Freaked out... And you know what? Ask yourselves
Could you have gotten away with that shit?
Your mom puts down some food she walks by once
she walks by twice
"What's... What happened?"
"I can't hear you, what?" "I don't... I don't..."
"I don't like it when the corn Tortilla..."
"Touches the carnitas"
Come over here you got to hear this one
And this is when you know you're fucked
"I didn't hear you, what?"
If they make you say it again you're fucked
"I don't like it when the corn tortilla..."
"Touches the Carnita"
"You don't like it when the corn tortillas touches the carnitas"
"Well then, you're really not going to like it"
"When my foot touches your ass"
"Eat!"
They say it like five times "Eat!"
"I'm eating" "Eat!"
"Son of a bitch"
Ivanka Trump
Listen, in our culture, we eat
We're not so concerned with fructose and...
Now kids go shopping with their parents to make healthy choices
I almost can't say it with a straight face
To tell you the truth
Like I know what I'm going to say and I'm really laughing
Like the little kids "Mom, this is great"
"It has Omega 3s"
"Wonderful, put it in the basket Cameron"
There you are with your mom
"Mom"
"This one is high in saturated fat"
"Fuck it, so are you thrown it in there"
"Son of a bitch"
"You don't want to learn in school"
"But at the fucking market saturated fats"
That was my nickname for 5 years
"Hey, saturated fats"
"Satch, let's go"
Our kids are... Listen our kids are kids
You don't baby them here's the difference because...
Our parents and our culture shows us that...
It's not all compliments, it's not everything you do is amazing
It's not you throw the trash away "Hey! High five"
If you have a kid now you have to pretend that
everything that mother fucker does
is the best thing you have ever seen
At thanksgiving he comes home "Oh my God!"
"Did you trace the outside of your hand"
"And did you make me a turkey?"
"I did, I did..."
"I put my hand and did my hand around it"
"I'm putting it on Facebook God damn it!"
"I'm sending it to the Washington Post"
"They'll run it"
I gave on to my grandma, she said "What's this bullshit?"
"Make me one like this alright?
"And stop using my fucking eyebrow pencil"
But, you don't have a distorted view of life
Not everything is wonderful
Sometimes, you make mistakes that's how you learn
You know, kids wake up the parents are there...
"Good morning you woke up awesome"
"You're going to have an awesome day"
"because you woke up awesome"
When did our parents compliment us?
You take the car out you scratch it, the next morning...
"Hey! Beautiful"
"Fucking beautiful"
"You're a genius, I don't know how you did it"
"I'm so proud of you Einstein"
"You're a fucking genius I didn't know until right now"
"You scratched both sides of my car"
"Brilliant!"
"I wish I had two of you right now"
"So I can choke one"
"and get the other one to rub out these scratches"
We're not there on purpose
You can take away planned parenthood
I don't like fake Latinos
We're not planned
Planned wedding hood now the wedding is with a plan
You know, it's the difference between somebody having babies
Like you know, here's the thing
You think that there's a lot of Latinos
and not enough American people we have big families
We have 7, 5 kids, 9 kids, we're making people for the future
Don't get mad at us because you only have one kid
And you'll fucking lose them in the market
Don't get mad at us
Fucking amber alerts all of you
You lose your kid and we have to look
Fuck that, I don't want to look
"I got my 7, you're on your own asshole, hey!"
"Pay attention!"
If a Latino kid goes missing no one notices
Three days go by and then somebody...
"I don't know, I haven't seen him in like three days"
"He fucking has my change"
That's what we're worried about He got the change
You get home "It was awful" "I don't want to hear that bullshit"
"Give me the change"
"It was a 20, give me the change"
That's the reality, listen that's the reality of life
You live your life, you have fun
Your doctor tells you not to drink and not to eat
And not to enjoy your life
And you believe him, that's why we don't go to the doctor
I don't want to hear that shit
I had an uncle that had diabetes
and I'm always the one that they say "take me to the doctor"
And the doctor says "You will lose your leg if you continue to drink"
And mom goes like...
"What about Crown Royal?"
"He said no" "Yes"
"No, I don't want to... Let him tell me"
"What about Crown Royal?" "Yes"
"Because I thought that it's good and over the line"
"Wow! It is serious, ha?"
He drank, they amputated his leg
Everybody went to go see him he's in there laughing
I'm like "What happened?"
"Don't be sad about my leg"
"I already walked a lot already"
"They can have a travel ban I'm not going nowhere"
It's different, you know it's the way to grown up
I think it's the way to grow up
I think that life isn't like that
You just need some adversity sometimes
None of the stories of how we meet are amazing
They're not like "Oh my God! That's a beautiful story"
"We were at the Smithsonian at the butterfly exhibit"
"And the butterfly landed on our finger tips"
"And that's how I knew he was the one for me"
They'll tell you how they met and you don't even want to know
"Hey, you want to know how me and your mom...?"
"Let me talk"
"I wanted to fuck her older sister"
"But she said no"
"So then I went one down"
"And that's your mom"
and thank God that she said yes
because there was only Theo and Larry left
That's how we live, listen
we don't live shelterd, we don't live with fear, you know
Kids are afraid of clowns and the'yre afraid of mariachis
and they're afraid of loud noises.
People who grew up poor they're afraid of shit they can't see.
Their dad's car coming down...
Several other Mexican monsters that nobody's ever seen
Ice, we're afraid of real shit.
Fucking ice...
I'm telling you, it's affecting... on Father's Day I had a party
and I said "hey, we need to get ice over here"
Fuck, everybody took off "hey, hey, come back, ice..."
Now we have to say "hey, let's get some frozen water"
in cube form...
frozen water.
So, in the neighborhood that I live in I set my alarm one day
and I didn't know the code I forget, I'm dislexic
cause I don't know the code and it's going on...
and going off, and I finally turned it off
go inside watching TV 20 minutes later...
I open the door LAPD, a white cop and a Latino cop
you know, and I'm right there and they look at me
and they're like "hey, I know you"
"from Portinera fountain"
There was just awkwardness and the dude couldn't believe
that I live there It's a nice house...
I mean come on, I'm George Lopez.
How do I Iook?
The man gotta live.
So... the Latino guy is like...
"Can we see some ID" I'm like... and I look at the Latino guy
"Listen, I don't believe it either"
So I let them in the house and I'm walking to find my wallet
and they're looking around and there's nothing in that house
that looks like a Latino lives there you like nice shit, you know?
So the cop is looking around and I'm looking at the cop
and I'm looking at my house and I'm like... "Fuck this"
"You got that ID?" "I can't... I can't... can't find it"
and then I remembered so I opened up the refrigerator
I had corned tortillas
floured tortillas...
Salsa with a mayonnaise jar with the foil and everything
wedding cake from like fucking five years ago
with the candle still in it
and they were like "sorry to bother you, enjoy your day"
Don't apologize for being successful
live your life and don't worry about it
don't worry about it everybody will bring you down
It's all haters right now It's all haters
be successful don't worry about it
Hurry up
That's what we're made for
That's why we don't get the positive shit
We don't get the ... "I'm gonna go to college, I'm gonna graduate"
"I'll fucking believe that when I see it."
Mark it down, right now
That's how we grew up we're not allergic to shit
You know, we can eat peanuts are you kidding me?
Latino allergic to peanut?
Salted... we do more shit with peanut than a monkey could
I mean...
we got different ways to eat peanuts
and we're not allergic to peanuts
Chilli peanut, roasted peanut, chilli different flavors
We're not allergic
Now if someone has a peanut allergy... the whole world
has to change for that one person
When they fly on a plane, no one in the airport can have peanuts
beacuse of that one person
You're on the airplane peanut free flight
because of that one person
You're drinking having a good time
"Hey, can we have some peanuts?"
"I'm sorry, there's a passenger..."
"in coach, in the middle seat... that has a peanut allergy"
"in 23 A"
"Fuck him, give me that microphone"
"Orale, 23A... go hide in the bathroom"
"because we're having some peanuts right now"
"allright? And next time go Greyhound"
"with all the other fucking nuts"
Now we all have to change
because somebody has a fucking allergy
They have peanut free schools no peanuts in the school
You can take a gun but don't bring no peanuts
You don't even need a gun you can walk in with some walnuts
"I'll crack these motherfuckers right..."
"get on the ground get on the ground"
"I'll crack, I'll crack it"
"and don't try to run cause I've got cashews all over the parking lot"
"You want me to put some almond in your shirt?"
"I'm gonna put some almonds down your shirt"
Here's what you need to understand about Latinos
if I haven't already explained it we love this country
we will never hurt this country we love this country
That new immigration law the RAISE act?
You have to already speak English to come over here
you have to already have a job and provide to the economy
before you can come here
Fuck, I was looking at that shit and I'm like
"fuck, I'm only one of three Goddam..."
they're trying to keep us out of this country
but they can't... this country was made by immigrants
and will continue to be made by immigrants
and all of it makes it great that's what makes America great
Not some fucking fat wobbly haired fucking... not that
Donald Trump, let me tell you something...
let me tell you, he wants to crack down on immigration?
He don't like immigrants? Well stop marrying them
Stop marrying them...
She doesn't speak English does it bother anybody
that the First Lady of the United States doesn't speak English?
and it hurts to watch her try
"and that my husband said he'll get it, he'll..." no
She can't talk
she's trying, I admit that but she cannot talk
How come somebody don't talk for her?
Even Arnold Schwarzeneger at home "get them out"
"Spit it out, do it"
You know how hard it is to learn English?
Arnold Schwarzeneger's been in this country...
50 years and he don't fucking speak English
he tries to talk slow like you all know and...
Did you see that commercial for that app "Mobile Strike"?
"Download it now in the App Store"
"What did you say? App Store? cause I thought it's Up Store"
"Download it in the Up Store"
No, no, we make America great people who sacrifice... listen
Health care? You can have healthcare, Okay?
let me tell you something if this country wants to elect someone
who's racially insensitive with no political experience... here I am
Here I am Here I am
George Lopez the President
I golf...
I got a kid I hardly talk to
Under the Lopez Administration in my first one hundred days...
I will make taco tuesday... the law
for everyone
You want healthcare? It's free... for everyone, free
the Latinos are passing it to you we don't need it
I don't wanna know what's wrong you take it
I will legalize marijuana...
and put pharmaceutical companies out of business
same shit, not only will I legalize it
If you vote for me I'll come over to your house
and smoke it with you
Look at this guy "I hope that's the truth, I hope that's the truth"
"Is that a joke? Is he trying to trick me?"
"I'm gonna smoke one now"
Everything during the day is all medicine commercials
nothing is about having fun it's all about medicine
asthma, afib, heart disease colon cancer
there's a test where you can shit in an envelope
and send it in the mail, that's how lazy americans are getting
you don't even wann go to the doctor
No. just shit in the envelope and put it in there
and they'll open your shit and they'll examine it
and send that shit back to you
That's how lazy Americans are and you don't want us here
where we work
we don't have a chair that helps us get upstairs
or a walking fucking tub
You nephew helps you
Our elderly fall down too but when they fall down
they don't fall down in an empty house
they don't fall down in a nursing home
they fall down in a house surrounded by family
because that's how you take care of your elderly people
you don't take care of your elderly people by putting them
in a place for mom and fucking nursing homes
and resting homes and never visiting them
that's what I did to my grandmother, I know
Take care of those elderly people
they took care of you
You got a grandmother who's in her eighties or nineties
take pictures of them take videos of them
because when they're gone their generation is gone
that real hardworking you don't need a man provider
put your kids through college those ladies are gone
What are they gonna be replaced with? what will be the stories?
"remember when we used to do Pilates?"
"in 2012 we started."
They got good stories they got good stories
My grandmother has amazing stories
my grandmother tried to homeschool me one day
one day... my grandmother said to me "today..."
"we're gonna study American history"
"Hey, start getting ready to write it down"
"My sister, you know her when she was young..."
"she went wherever..."
"write it down"
How's that American history? well, she's American
and it happened a long time
History...
nobody teaches us that we learn by ourselves
You know, you learn by your mistakes
when you're riding a bike... you're riding a bike by yourself
you hit your head on the sidewalk and you know how to slow down
No helmet, no pads no super vision, you're riding...
You learn... you learn
to swim, you almost had to drown to know how to swim, you know...
that's what the kids learn
Nobody teaches us about sex
You know how you learn about sex? You come home
early from school one day...
and put your books down and in the back of the house
you hear...
You go around the house and you look through the window
and you see Theo taking the socks off
"Theo?"
"I thought you were here making love"
"Shit, I wish, I can't even take my socks off"
We don't go to the doctor
When women have babies they've had babies before
it's not as new to other people
like if they're pregnant they're like "Oh, my God"
they go get an ultrasound every hour, "you've been here..."
When Latinos are pregnant they're pregnant
"allright"
"Don't you wanna know what it is?"
"No, I got clothes for either one"
"I don't need vitamins because I still have vitamins from other kids"
It's not as exciting
You know, everybody documents everything
you know, moms still workout when the baby's born
they give him prenatal and they clean their nose with that...
you know... little white kids they talk... 7 months
you go in the room they're leaning against the chair "hey"
"Come on in"
"yeah I'm seven months yesterday"
"my mom told me you were coming in, come on in"
"I've been talking for about a couple of weeks"
"I don't know, 10 days maybe"
"yeah, I know, she's making me wear the helmet..."
"cause the top of my head isn't formed and..."
"I'm self conscious"
"I'll be driving in a month" "what?"
You go to a Latino house you knock at the door
a litlle Latino kid opens the door and he just stands there
with that look on his face
"Is your dad home?"
"My dad?"
"Is your dad home?"
"He not here"
"he was here and then he left"
"that's why he... that's why he's not here"
"but when his car's here that means that he's here"
"but right now he... right now, his car's not here"
"so that means that he's not here"
"how old are you?" "twenty nine"
"don't tell him I got out of the crib"
we're taught respect... listen therapy is not for us
we don't go to therapy
do we need it? Yeah
we don't feel comfortable telling a stranger...
we'll wait till there's a party...
and the mariachis are playing and they're getting ready
to cut the wedding cake and that's when you say
"let me tell you everybody... everybody"
"nobody loves me"
"Theo?", "No, no, no let me talk"
"Tell him you love him and take him to the car"
We don't go to therapy I tried...
You go, if you go early enough you can hear through...
you see somebody...
"My father never told me that he loved me"
"That's it?" I open the door "my father he told me"
"he wasn't my father how about that one?"
"you don't see me crying? Fuck him, you don't see me crying"
They all drink and you know, they all over drink
my grandfather, I love my grandfather
he taught me a lot of things but when he drank he was mean
and since I was an only child he would look for me
and he didn't speak English but when he was drunk
he tried to speak English
and I had to sit there and...
"Who do you think you are?"
and my grandmother used to try to jump in and...
"Shut up"
"Shut your mouse"
"shut out you fucking mouse"
And then he would hit me in my temple
about forty times
and everytime... I was like eight
and every time I'd be like "one day..."
"one day"
April forth 1988, he died, we were having a ceremony there...
open casket... the mortician says...
"would anyone like to say goodbye?"
"Fuck you and fuck Eric Estrada"
"Come and get me I shall knock you out"
Spite, that's what motivates me
somebody said "that's not healthy"
"I think I'm doing allright"
find love and be happy and find somebody that you love
and be honest and be truthful to them
because love is the most difficult thing to find in this world
I know because I'm by myself right there...
My grandmother she knew when I was 12 she knew...
"Coachino, I know what you're doing in there"
I say "what?" "You don't think I know but I know"
and she didn't know medical terms she would say...
I know what she meant "I knew you're in there toying"
"your chat all over the room"
"Your treasure is all over the place"
My gramdmother got sick I hate when elderly people get sick
because... but we keep them in the house
all those places, all those nursing homes and stuff like that...
listen, Filipino, Asian people Middle Eastern people
Indian people, Latinos, we all run the health care industry
if you've been around the hospital
maybe not all of us are doctors but we're the ones
that are there in the middle of the night
So, when you end up in a convalescent home
if I were you I'd be shaking hands with every Latino
and person of color because in the middle of the night
when you're in there "my heart..."
"my heart" this is the last thing you're gonna see
"What happened to the lady?" "Ah, the lady?"
"she died"
"but we got married last night her and I before she died"
"I got the marriage certificate I got the documents, wait a minute"
It goes by like that too It goes by like that
You know? So, eat, have fun and don't be a vegetarian
don't be a vegan
if you want... that's not helping you
"I can only have 400 calories a day"
"that's why I don't breathe because..."
"that's twenty"
We eat
Lettuce? we don't eat lettuce we work, Latinos work
in the produce industry but we don't eat lettuce
allright? You don't work all day picking lettuce
and then on your day off make yourself a fucking salad
that's not...
Kale? We don't know...
We don't know what kale is
but I think it's a little boy your aunt watches three days a week
"When does Kale come?" "Oh, Kale, yeah right now"
"we changed the schedule"
"he works mondays, wednesdays, fridays"
el-Kale?
That would almost be like if you were a prostitute...
and on your day off somebody put a dick in your cornflakes
"what's that?"
"It's my day off"
"take that dick out of my cornflakes"
We're in the milk industry let me tell you something?
milk... whole milk... we all grew up on whole milk
God gave women the ability to have milk to feed their children
from the beginning of time
milk was created to nurture our families
and now milk is bad
why?
Whole milk? Nobody drinks whole milk
If you go to Starbucks and say "can I have some whole milk?"
"Get the fuck out of here"
"Son of a bitch we're working"
When you grow up poor you don't want 2% of the milk
you want the whole milk I want all the milk
I don't want 2% of it
Then people have peanut allergies and nut allergies
and they're allergic to milk but then there's almond milk
what the fuck is that?
"You don't even know I'm lactose intolerant"
"No, you're not you can't hang"
You want to be another asshole in line bitching about milk?
"Is this 2%? Because I can only have 1%, is this 2%?"
"You're not the manager? Are you the manager? Hi"
"Is this is 2%? Because I can only have 1%"
I got out of line, I grabbed that bottle and spilled half of it
"Here mother fucker now, it's 1%, here"
"get your ass out of line"
"you don't look like you're 2% in anything you fat bastard"
I didn't say it, I tweeted it cause then it doesn't count
Tweets...
Let me tell you, my grandfather bought a house and ranch
in Mexico, we used to go, the most disgusting thing I've ever seen
was my grandfather milking a goat
and that goat wasn't clean
Mosquitoes in his eyes...
he didn't even waive them off with his ears anymore
he was like...
and my grandfather's milking this goat while I...
He had that much milk, even the goat came out of the barn
and looked...
"He's not gonna drink that shit, is he?"
Het tried to warn him
We make America great everybody that gets up
and works hard every day makes America great
It''s already great, it's the greatest place to live
go live somewhere else
We love this country we're not terrorists
Okay, Latinos are not terrorists but I'm gonna tell you right now
if we were we'd be the best
the number one ingredient in making a bomb...
fertilizer
"You want ten tons?"
"We're doing a big yard"
"and we're putting in a fountain"
We can't be terrorists because terrorists take responsibility
Latinos... "No, it was already like that when I got there, I didn't..."
"I didn't do it It was like that"
They'll be talking on the news "what happened? I heard a boom"
"and then somebody shouted raiders and they ran off"
That's how you know we did it "raiders..."
So try to build the wall go ahead, try to build it
use taxpayer money eventhough
you said you're gonna make Mexico
pay for it, Mexico ain't paying for shit
I could've told you that we can't even split a fucking cheque
you get the cheque "I didn't even eat"
"what's this bullshit? I didn't even eat"
"Kale, I don't eat kale I don't eat kale"
I'm gonna tell you something right now
as long as George Lopez is alive..,
and my cholesterol level is pretty high so I don't know
but as long as George Lopez is alive I promise you
I will never ever let anyone disparage Latinos or Mexicans
as long as I'm alive
I love you baby, thank you
When Donald Trump announced that he was running for President
he called Mexicans rapists and criminals
when I'm gonna see him I'm gonna rob him and fuck him
and let me tell you something you better build that wall in one day
one day you better build that wall because if you leave
all that material out there overnight...