Another one.
Don't worry, Count, I'm here.
Martial, move that one there to the left a bit.
Just a touch.
It's coming in everywhere.
My soup, Baroness.
A croquette for table ten.
One croquette.
Thank you, Miss Amélie.
Don't call me "Miss." It's annoying for a divorcee.
Divorced at 19, that's the world today!
Poor child.
And, weirdly enough, I blame the priests.
- Good evening, Amélie. - Good evening, Dad.
Where's your mother?
Working.
- I'm working too. - So am I.
We're all working,
while the bourgeois fellow has fun and stuffs his face.
He's finished his croquette.
Dad, can you? I'm finishing this chapter.
The middle of August, and I'm up to 110 pots.
What pots?
Chamber pots, Mr. Patin.
One hundred and ten chamber pots, to protect my heaven!
Good Lord!
Another angel has lost a buttock.
Amélie! Where's your mother?
We have to make their beds!
Georges, I'd gladly make 50 of them,
but we've only had one guest in six months.
Shall I help, Mom?
Don't excite me, this is not the time.
- Really, Dad! - In front of your daughter!
Diane, where's your mother?
Hello, I want a word. I'm not disturbing your accounting.
Let's discuss that. We're living from hand to mouth.
- Sell your jewels. - What jewels?
This could pay to fix the chapel roof.
Can I go around wearing only one?
Be serious!
No jewels, no problem!
We've had one guest with breakfast per weekend for six months.
- And the meals. - But without drinks.
It's always the same guest.
A hotel only makes money from drunks and couples.
Imagine that, couples!
Love… and wine!
All I want is to smoke my cigarette in an apartment with a courtyard.
You want to turn the château into an inn.
There is a clientele for beds like these.
You don't understand.
I can't see you running a house of…
- You mean a brothel? - There are all kinds of brothels.
- Right, Grandma? - Absolutely.
But don't speak thus before your cousin. She's a maiden.
Having said that, I'd tolerate a whorehouse if it saved my roof.
With an upmarket clientele, of course.
Instead of this old thing, the Duke of Windsor or the Aga Khan?
Why not?
Dream on! I'll clear the table.
I have to do everything, as always.
We're not dreaming. It's an excellent idea.
It just needs implementing.
The plan is perfect.
Welcome… love… and cash!
Amélie, you attract the customers. Diane, you keep them.
And Jeanne? As always, she does nothing.
- It's all she knows how to do. - True.
- How do I attract the customers? - Your mechanic.
Charlie? He didn't seem very keen.
- Then make him keen. - Yes.
Charlie.
Answer me when I'm talking to you!
You're a pain and I'm working!
You miss me and don't see me enough.
I see too much of you!
Go back to your château and let me work.
Work, then.
What do you want?
- Talk nicely to me. - Yeah?
Yes. I need you.
Of course! When times are tough, turn to Charlie!
- When your boyfriends dump you. - My boyfriends!
- But you only ever think of me, right? - True!
So you married another guy.
And divorced him. A divorce, in my family!
Stop it, will you!
Oh, dear, what will become of you?
What you need is money.
We need customers! Send us some.
And I get commission, right? What sort?
Well…
If no one passes by, I can't send anyone.
Liar. It's so easy if you put your mind to it.
So, will you send me customers?
No.
- It's in your interest! - What if I get caught?
- Just don't admit to anything. - Wonderful!
You women think only of yourselves.
We have to.
- No more than 15 tables. - Tell me…
Can I see you later?
That depends on you.
- Do you always wear sunglasses? - Yes.
You can't see anything.
What is there to see, your shortcuts?
- I'm looking for a gas station. - And I, sunshine.
- Keep a lookout. - I'm fed up!
I'll fly back.
I didn't force you to come.
Do you think it's for your charm that I came?
- I suppose so. - You sad specimen!
Plenty of other fellows would have taken me down south.
Then why me?
You or someone else…
It always ends the same, so I really don't care.
- Gas pumps! - At last!
Fill her up?
Premium! Where's the…?
At the back, on the right.
- I'll check the oil. The hood, please. - I don't know how.
I know the type!
- Five thousand. - See you, kid!
I bet this goes like a bomb!
You have to hold her back.
- That's new! - Are you holding her back?
Shit!
Don't flood it.
How did you get here?
A detour because of roadworks.
I don't mean that. Your points are shot.
- Shot? - Then fix them.
Didn't you hear the crankshaft ticking?
Yes, a lot.
Get to it, then!
Taking the engine apart? It'll take at least four days.
- Even for me? - Even for you.
Then call a taxi.
There are no taxis, we're miles from everywhere.
You can't think I'm going to spend the night here.
No, I won't leave you here.
There's only one answer. Come with me.
Okay, I gotta go!
I can't leave the garage unattended.
These old places have real charm, huh?
This is fun, isn't it?
Do you have a room, kid?
- Two rooms! - So you're not together?
- Yes, we are! - No, we're not!
I have one in the left wing, another in the right wing.
- Can we discuss it in the dry? - Go on!
The damn rain!
This is swanky!
Be careful! That's Louis XIV parquet!
Sorry, kid.
- Stop calling me "kid." - Then what should I call you?
I'm Baroness Amélie de Goustine.
Oh, yes!
This way, please.
Please show your papers.
A room with a bath, I suppose?
Mine, at least.
So, two rooms.
Let's see…
I have rooms left
for 18 and 20,000 francs.
Period furniture!
Paid up front, in cash.
The Marshal's room and Madame de Pompadour's.
Georges!
Mother- in- law?
The bags.
Have you eaten?
- Good Lord… - No, and I'm hungry!
Hey, pal, is the food included in the price of the rooms?
For the meals?
It's a gastronomic dinner. The set menu or à la carte.
Set menu.
Diane! Diane, my dear!
The Marshal and the Pompadour.
- This way, please. - Where's my room?
You're not together?
- Yes. - No!
All the better!
Georges, darling.
Show the young lady to her room.
"Georges, darling"?
Tell me, my love.
Are you the bellboy's girlfriend?
No, he's my husband.
I haven't introduced you. Georges!
- Mr.? - Jean- Jacques Leroy- Martin.
The Count de Goustine.
Delighted.
No, please. After you.
I used to know someone called Goustine.
That's strange. My husband is the last male of that name.
Yes, you're right. This fellow was Loustine, or Roussille…
Plombac! An extremely smart guy.
I think you'll be comfortable.
These pillows have a real history.
Madame de Pompadour slept here.
If you want to read, you have a light here.
I can offer you… some reading matter.
It's somewhat licentious.
It's all I like to read. Won't that do?
Yes, yes…
No, no…
On the contrary.
My head's spinning!
We'll be expecting you in the dining room.
At the end of the corridor, the staircase on the left,
right after the music room and the smoking room.
I was forgetting. Your companion's in a bad mood.
Traveling is tiring.
After a bath and a glass of port…
Drinks are extra.
She'll be in the best of moods!
We women are all the same.
You hear that? Already!
He's amusing, isn't he? I'll leave you.
You're a count but you do a bellboy's job?
Should I drive around in a Jaguar with a woman in goggles?
What?
Look.
You're a strange pair!
The young and the old
are two different races.
It's surprising at first, but then you get used to it.
Women don't interest you?
Nah!
Like me with men. You soon get fed up.
No doubt.
There, it's clean.
A shame there's no water.
These old buildings are like that.
The best faucet here is the roof.
I'd like to see what it looks like in another 387 years.
Three hundred and eighty- seven years?
In 1581 this was nothing but forest.
My ancestor, Maximilien, was hunting blackbirds,
he fell off his horse, and broke his back.
They couldn't move him, so they built around him.
And this is it!
Is that true?
No.
But we like to embellish things.
That's why I don't like your glasses.
Diane.
I find you very beautiful all of a sudden.
You see, Georges, we need people passing through.
I've gotta go!
I can't leave the garage unattended.
Welcome, brothers.
They're not monks, Grandma.
Good, they'd have no money!
Hello.
Right, right… Flower people!
Make love, not war!
Don't you speak French?
Perfect! The King's Bedroom, with champagne.
There!
Well done, Amélie! Your mechanic's working well.
I've gotta go! I can't leave the garage unattended.
I'm Mrs. Passereau. With my children, father, and husband.
Our car broke down. An almost new car!
I told you not to get it! Do you have a room?
One for 20,000 francs.
I'm not sleeping outside!
In this weather the kids could end up in hospital.
This way.
Men only think of themselves.
It's dark, pouring down, the children are worn out,
I'm too tired to talk…
Fill her up?
- Yes, premium. - Premium.
Max forgot to fill her up.
I'll check the oil and the water.
That's done!
One hundred and thirty liters. That'll be 15,000, Sir.
Thank you. Drive safely.
I don't understand.
- Come on, fix it! And quickly! - Fix it!
Be polite. No scandal.
Thank you, Sir. Thank you very much.
I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with cars like this.
This isn't the brightest spot, is it?
Call me a taxi.
I don't have a phone.
Where have I ended up? It's the back of beyond!
The marchioness has a phone.
Marchioness?
What marchioness?
At the château. And I have my car.
Fruit? Pastries?
There's no ice- cream, Mommy.
- Mommy, I'm hungry. - Me too.
I'm trying to write my editorial,
and the piano's playing at midnight!
Who reads the editorial of your little rag?
You're half- naked in my salon! Do you think you're at home?
I did think so.
- All these people! - It's the weekend.
Yes, weekend, leisure, vacations…
They do nothing and breed like rabbits.
- Life rolls on, Mr. Patin. - Rolls on towards destruction!
No one?
Is anyone there?
What is it?
The telephone.
Hello? Get me a taxi, quick!
No taxis?
Who is this thug!
Then get me Turin, 222- 2222.
An hour?
This is ridiculous!
Okay, I'll wait.
Excuse me, Sir.
Whoever you are, I feel that you are somewhat ill- bred.
I keep a calm establishment.
If you're here to break my door, my telephone, and my ears,
I shall call the gendarmes.
The gendarmes, in such a charming abode?
Sorry, I haven't introduced myself.
Baron César Anselme de Maricorne,
consul general in charge of cultural affairs
for the maritime offices of the South American Union.
Among other things.
- I'm delighted, Your Excellency. - My pleasure.
We have bedrooms at 18 and 20,000 francs.
All of them historical.
- I'll have one. - And for these gentlemen?
Two camp beds. I'll keep them near me.
- They're lost without me. - This way, then.
You don't have any luggage?
It's only for one night, or one hour.
Please be so good as to let me know as soon as the call comes in.
You're charming!
Hey, poets!
Jeanne, my dear.
My dear Marchioness.
You'll put the phone call on my bill.
There's no need to make a fuss about it.
Rachmaninoff!
Superb, divine!
- You like it? - Oh, yes! I love music.
You like music?
I don't like it, I live music!
Georges, his bag.
My case!
I've given you room 13, it was Casanova's.
Casanova stayed here? The rascal!
For two days.
He liked it very much.
To whom do I have the honor…?
César Anselme de Maricorne only disturbs beauty with intent.
Drinks for everyone.
While I wait for my call. My dear, a waltz.
You're not doing what this flashy foreigner asks you?
Wait in room 13. I'll pull the wool over their eyes.
Never mind.
I love unexpected, sudden romance.
So do I.
An hour ago the château was slumbering.
You have woken it up.
Yes, I've been told that before. It's my temperament.
An unforeseen coincidence.
Did my husband scare you?
Your husband?
I don't like husbands. Do you?
To me, all men are husbands.
Is that so?
- You're hurting me, Your Excellency. - Sorry.
Please call me César.
- He knows how to have fun. - And I don't?
You're making them jealous.
You should fix that! I'd better go.
What did he say to you?
He's a bit brutal, but not unpleasant.
Allow me the great pleasure of inviting you to dance.
Can I help you?
What?
Nothing.
Not going to ask me?
Dad, kids, off you go to bed.
It's been such a long time.
I don't want to go to bed, Granddad!
- Are you alone? - I think I'll go to bed.
- Alone? - It'll make a change.
Pleasing others, that's all I do.
I'm tired of that this evening.
I don't believe you.
Come on, let's go up with that bottle.
Excuse me.
Your Excellency! Your long- distance call to Turin.
Right!
Thank you.
No booth?
No, but I'll make sure you have quiet. Jeanne, stop!
Silence, everyone! He's talking to abroad.
No, carry on!
Hello, Loufansky?
- Is that you, César? - I can't get to the border tonight.
- Why? - The car broke down.
- The plane's going. - Can't it wait?
No, I'm telling you, I can't do that.
Okay, see you tomorrow.
- Ciao. - Ciao.
Were you listening?
One can hear abroad clearer than the local grocery store.
This Loufansky doesn't sound very understanding.
Anyone can break down. He could have waited.
You were listening? So you understood everything.
You understood, then, that after 29 years
spent far away, deep in the Americas,
among such unreceptive people,
to whom I convey, with my cultural baggage,
the oxygen they so desperately need,
it is hard to break down in the cradle of our heritage,
of which this is the most charming jewel.
I'll say that at a congress. Where was I?
- Your plane. - Broken down.
The minister will wait.
In short, we are in the Lord's hands, and I need some rest.
Beautiful ladies, I bid you goodnight.
He's charming!
Very pleasant.
There's a bundle missing.
Which of you two bastards?
I trusted you.
I'm always trusting.
Make your beds!
That man is a veritable pillar.
What do you think, my darlings?
Yes, I agree with you.
News flash! A sensational hold- up of a bank in Mâcon.
A hundred million taken. Roadblocks throughout the region.
What times we live in!
What were we saying?
Did you see his eyes, his teeth, his hands?
His nostrils.
I knew a man like him once. A Neapolitan.
What a voice!
- A bit talkative, perhaps. - I don't think so.
Your cousin is a child. Off to bed now, my dear.
Of course he's talkative. But all the better.
While men like that never stop talking about love, they still make love.
And they do so admirably.
You realize that afterwards.
And during?
Heaven, my dear!
When you're in heaven, you don't ask questions.
Mom.
- I think I might cheat on Georges. - I know, my dear.
I can sense it.
But your mother's here.
Amélie, go and tell Charlie to get that devil's car over here.
Let's get rid of him!
- What a shame! - Come to terms with it.
Off you go! Before your mother becomes inconsolable.
Amélie?
Yes, I'm here.
I won't have you sleeping when I'm up!
My honey!
Hurry.
Yes, that's nice, come on!
- After. - After what?
Put your socks on, and then your coveralls…
- What are you doing? - Dressing you.
What time is it?
Wake up!
Some water in your face.
It's your first time in my bedroom.
There!
- Fix the big American car. - It's that urgent?
Mom's afraid she'll cheat on Dad.
Again?
Hurry up and fix it.
I cut everything in that engine, it'll take all night.
All the more reason! Come on, hurry!
You said I'd see you tonight.
Well, you're seeing me.
- Yes, but not like this. - After!
I'll stay.
Hurry!
Aren't you sleepy?
No. That both surprises and worries me.
Why do you see everything in such a negative light?
The world is full of extravagant folk.
You find them everywhere. Like this evening.
Even in the most remote place.
He's a very nice man. He's like you, an artist.
Self- important to an almost bestial degree.
No.
Expansive.
Why are you always so reserved?
I put respect above all else.
But, Mr. Patin, doesn't respect cut your…?
Cut my what, my child?
Your urges.
I am wary of urges.
How afraid you are.
I'm not.
Goodnight, Mr. Patin.
Don't be an idiot!
Open the door!
Leave me alone, please.
What are you doing?
I'm reading.
You're always reading.
Of course you can't understand that.
Open the door!
To what end?
You can be such a pain! Is it because of that nabob?
- I'm not interested in him. - Who do you mean?
You know. Now open the door.
I'm not the sort of man who'll come running when you whistle.
Are you annoyed?
I'm above that.
Very well. Bye!
No, it's fine. Come on.
Shit!
Your hair!
Good.
What I say to Baron César is…
- Have you finished? - Yes.
That's nice. You've done good work.
That deserves a reward.
We'll never get there!
GET SOME REST
I'LL BE WAITING IN MY BEDROOM DURING MASS
Miss Amélie, a luminous little nymph!
What's that I see?
Hide that car! Remove that hearse!
I do not wish to leave this paradise.
Paradise!
Up, you jerks, we're skedaddling!
The charming marchioness and little Amélie!
The check.
It's all on the one check. 347,812 francs and 25 centimes.
Everything's here?
- I'll take off the 25 centimes. - Right.
I'm not about to forget this place.
Dear Madam, Miss…
The best guests never come again.
- We drive into them? - No, turn around.
Innocently, innocently…
These sweet little blooms!
Turn around, innocently.
Turn around, you idiot!
These sweet little blooms!
The sweet little blooms
over here!
They're so pretty!
Go on, put your foot down, you idiot!
Halt!
Reverse, quick! But innocently!
I'll fire!
Keep reversing.
Shall I shoot?
No, reverse.
Stop! Stop!
Stop!
Turn around, I'll cover you.
Find cover!
Go forward!
It won't go!
- Do something! - I am doing!
- Brake! - I'm braking!
- Watch out! - The doors!
They took the road to Fléchères! Get after them, I'll call it in!
Martial?
What a fuss!
Mass will be starting soon. Georges, have you woken everyone?
The guests' religion is sleeping late.
Well, like it or not, when one is under my roof,
one goes to mass on Sunday.
Except for Mr. Patin, of course.
It's his job to criticize the clergy. We can't take away his livelihood.
- That's not yours! - Yes, it is!
- Good morning, dear. - Gran.
I was waiting.
Martial, the shoes.
Good morning, Madam.
- I don't see your husband. - I'm letting him sleep.
Last night, for the first time in…
I can imagine.
How ridiculous to command another's soul thus.
That's how it is.
I'm a liberal and a libertine.
The liberal tolerates religion, the libertine prefers his bed.
His bed!
Let's go, children. We'll take the shortcut.
Amélie, do you still not believe in God?
No.
Then you look after the house, as usual.
Marchioness, Count, Countess.
Everyone!
- There! - What?
I'll be right back.
We'll never get there!
Hello, Miss?
Get me Turin 222- 2222, please. Yes.
Okay, thank you.
So, you're back?
Little Amélie!
I got a few steps away and my heart ached.
I also have to make a phone call.
May I?
Hello?
Loufansky?
Yes, it's César. Just a second.
I can't get to you. An accident.
Roadblocks everywhere. You come here instead.
Yes, Mâcon. Note this down.
National road seven. The village is called Fléchères.
There's a château with a big meadow. It'll be easy to land.
I'll put lights down. Can you come tonight? Good.
Say all that back to me.
Okay, ciao.
Hello, Baroness. Isn't the marchioness here?
No, why?
You ask why?
With the hold- up in Mâcon, roadblocks everywhere, and you ask why?
You get no news here. It's the ends of the earth.
A hold- up?
- Can we see your register? - Of course.
There.
Yes, a hold- up and a big one.
A hundred million. A tall blond fellow, a small dark one,
and a big chap of about 45.
Forty- five, curly temples, a carnation in his buttonhole, handsome?
Have you seen him?
- A hundred million? That's a lot! - That's for sure.
You'd need a lot of bags to carry that.
You clearly haven't seen much.
In large bills, it would fit…
well, in a case like this.
So, have you seen this individual?
Not at all.
Well, keep your eyes open. Goodbye, Baroness.
Charlie!
- Are you coming up? - No, you come down! Quick!
- What did he want? - Like all gendarmes: thieves!
What did they say?
Wonderful! A hold- up, a hundred million!
No.
Apparently they missed 200 million
in an unlocked drawer.
Well, well!
- That's a pity. - Why?
I think guys like that are wonderful.
- You know some? - Four boys.
The oldest isn't even 18.
If I met a man like that, then right away I'd…
Right away you'd what?
I'd give him everything. All of me, everything!
Where are you going?
To mass.
I meant what I said, you know?
Get pedaling and drop me off at the church.
Shall I see you later? Where, when?
In my bedroom, after lunch.
- Something wrong? - It's so lovely and moving.
Such stage management, such address!
The priest's dress?
- Heard the news? - You believe in God again?
- The bank in Mâcon was held up. - We know.
The priest's sermon was about it.
About the hundred million?
- A hundred million? - It's at the château.
- What? - In a briefcase.
Say that again.
- The hundred million is at the château. - I don't like jokes.
It's true, I swear.
Do you know who did it?
It must be Brits, like the great train robbery.
Not at all. It's his excellency from last night.
- His excellency? - Yes, Baron César. He's back.
But he doesn't know that I know.
A bandit under my roof!
Steal if you must, but do it elsewhere!
I'm going to the gendarmes.
What's going on?
The hundred million from the hold- up is at the château.
Baron César stole it.
I've thought it over.
Maybe God is testing me.
- He's back again? - I told you.
We'll keep the cash!
It's madness!
I'm more and more sure it's a sign from heaven.
The money's under my roof, my roof can benefit.
Georges, you can hire a builder.
And César will just hand it over?
He'll draw his gun, I'll take it from him, and… bang!
- What? - I'll eliminate him.
- A man like that? - "Bang!" I said.
- But do it gently. - Of course.
Poison, sword, shotgun… we have a choice.
Murder.
Self- defense.
If he threatens me, I'll show him! Come on, children!
Nice and casual.
Amen.
And Jeanne?
Not a word, she's too sensitive.
No, carry on! It's nothing.
They've had enough. Shall we go too?
You're impervious to beauty, even that of worship.
Let me pray.
We're thwarted, my children.
- The police beat us to it. - They can sniff out criminals.
Let's go!
Where's your chief?
You only show up now, after my château was invaded by the mob?
Chief!
I knew it! He seemed suspicious to me right away.
Who?
The hold- up crook. Where is he?
I was about to ask you.
You haven't nabbed him? Just a moment, please.
Even boules aren't as good as they used to be.
I've cracked a couple of them in the last six months.
Where is he?
- Who? - Our friend.
Baron César.
A flower in his buttonhole first thing in the morning!
He stole one, by the way.
Yes, well, where is he? I can't see him anywhere.
My binoculars!
Excuse me.
I left something on the stove.
Sorry.
He's coming back!
Right into the lion's maw!
Can you smell burning?
No.
Yes!
Come on!
Hold him any way you can.
- Any way? - Yes.
Don't worry, Georges is watching. Georges!
Keep an eye on him.
So, what's it all about?
We've recovered the hold- up car, with two bodies inside.
- Good! - As you say.
Alas, one is still missing. The most important one.
A maniac who's already given the police the run- around.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen,
fourteen, fifteen…
Sixteen!
- I'll just wait till this evening. - Well!
You're back?
Well, well! I only just walked past there.
- Were you there? - Yes.
- I must have been asleep. - Asleep?
Carry on, then. Enjoy your nap.
What?
- An ant! - An ant?
- Where? - Here.
- An ant? - Down my back.
- It must be huge - Undo me!
- Where? - Lower.
- Lower? - Lower.
The naughty little ant!
- He escaped with the money. - You must catch him.
We've blocked all the roads.
- He's still in the area. - So why are you here?
In the car's glove box we found this receipt,
proving quite categorically
that this individual was here last night.
I keep telling you that!
You could tell from his face. Pockmarked, shifty… a bad sort.
So why didn't you make an effort to tell the gendarmes this morning?
Sorry?
- Why did you lie? - Me?
Excuse me.
It was the baroness.
Amélie?
Amélie lied to you? Amélie!
Did you lie to the gendarmes?
- Me? - Yes, you.
- No, Grandma. - Amélie!
Baroness, less than two hours ago you told me
that you hadn't seen three men:
a tall one, a small dark one, and a big fellow of 45.
We need the last one.
Come here.
Look at me.
You didn't see him?
You're hiding him, huh? I'm sure she's hiding him!
I understand now, Chief. I know that sort of ladies' man.
Flower in his buttonhole, next thing you know, you're in Caracas.
We raise our girls too well.
She's like a child taking communion, but in a voluptuous body.
As you can see.
Tell me, where is he?
I don't know, Gran!
Don't call me "Gran"!
She's stubborn, like me, she'll say nothing.
He's gone. He told me not to say anything.
I swear I don't know where he is!
Go to your room! I'll talk to you later.
"Gran"!
What were we saying?
Yes, that crook. Go and find him!!
Search every room, go on!
- You know… - No lechers in my corridors!
Good girl!
Georges, you have a wonderful wife.
Don't worry, I'll put more men around the château.
He must be long gone. But how nice to meet a top policeman.
My respects, Madam.
- Well? - Too late, I think.
Heavens!
- The bell! - What is it now?
- Lunchtime. - Lunch?
Help me.
I'm more used to undoing than doing up.
- Patience, please! - Patience?
- You've got me shaking! - This evening!
This evening? We were fine here, why this evening?
It's always this evening!
Parfait. Georges!
Parasols, drinks… Where is the insecticide?
In the greenhouse, why?
The police might come back.
Neither César nor his loot must fall into their hands.
As we decided in church.
Long live the sound
Let us dance the Carmagnole
Long live the sound of the cannon…
Be careful, it's very dangerous.
Good. How much shall I put? Twelve spoonfuls!
- That's enough to kill an ox. - He's a big strong fellow.
He won't taste it in a croquette.
In the croquette He'll taste nothing, taste nothing…
Baron César and my dear Diane!
You seem to be getting on well.
Marchioness, your dwelling is a labyrinth of delights.
Always carrying that briefcase! Diane, take it to his room.
No, in here I have mementoes dearer to me than life itself.
I have a safe.
- What's that I hear? A safe? - Yes, a safe!
You're so funny!
Georges.
Yes, it's this way.
- Good. - Yes.
But… shush!
It's a beautiful safe.
My late husband really loved it.
Here.
- There. - Very good.
The poor man, how he suffered.
But it's a beautiful safe.
- Don't you trust me? - Madam…
- That smells good. - You think so?
How sweet and tiny!
But it's all in the presentation.
The problem of form and content. Just give me a minute.
I get the feeling you're a master.
I was trained in kitchens, beginning on sauces.
An English- style education.
The toughest tasks combined with the most refined study.
Time is money.
A crown of cucumber,
and the accompanying apples of love.
There!
Look at that throne.
What majesty!
That's why cuisine is my domain.
That and other things.
And now to flambé the glazing.
I'll give you a tip. It's all in the glazing.
- Spices? - Sort of.
Yes, that's right. My own recipe.
A delicate operation.
Well, I've lost the knack!
Thank the Lord, there's some left. We'll put it in his coffee.
I've lost a battle, but not the war.
Good morale and tactics!
If the first offensive fails,
I launch the second with an artillery bombardment!
Georges, which do you prefer, Wagner or The Beatles?
I'm struggling with these tiles. Isn't the poison enough?
Two plans are better than one.
I'll recap. Downstairs we'll be playing poker,
up here you blast out Wagner, downstairs I get annoyed,
I knock with the broom, and you immediately let it go! Smash!
I'll go down and we'll rehearse.
I hear that!
Charlie!
Count!
Yes, filling up some holes.
Like me. I have a hole in my pants.
I'm going to sew them.
Georges!
I hear you!
But I've got Charlie up here!
- In Amélie's room? - Yes!
Taking off his pants.
- And Amélie? - Just a second.
I'm going.
Amélie!
Come here and sew Charlie's pants immediately!
I came to your room, and saw your dad without pants on!
- Dad without pants on? - No, me!
Amélie.
Stop upsetting our friend. Go play elsewhere, both of you.
Come on.
Have you known island women?
British women are admirable.
No, I meant…
more distant islands.
More distant islands.
From the age of three they're taught the art of entertaining us.
They have one law, one morality,
call it what you will: that of serving their men.
By the age of twelve they have total control of us.
They make our bodies sing.
And when they get to our age?
That's when old Europe takes over.
- So it's never too late? - Never.
But our wrinkles?
Touching!
They're the sign of your pains and our pleasures.
Ladies…
how you must have lived!
Your turn, Mr. Patin.
I'm under the bell.
That means I can't carry on.
What can he be telling them?
What could he be telling them with such an accent?
The woman of the islands is a ukulele.
The woman of here is a guitar.
Your mystery is in your curves.
You are modulation, the perfect instrument!
And the women lap it all up. Disgraceful! Pitiful!
What do you mean?
That was lovely, very poetic.
You moved me, Patin.
Your mystery…
is in your curves.
I'll use that.
Well, where's the coffee? Have we been forgotten?
It's coming!
Don't get them mixed up.
- It's this one. - No, that one.
It's a bit of a problem when you're not used to it.
It's that one.
Don't shake!
You're sure it won't hurt him?
No, there won't be time, he'll be knocked out before that.
Then why bother?
I'm making quite sure.
How about a game of poker?
Poker?
You know, me and poker…
Well, if these ladies don't mind.
- Of course. - Fine.
Miss Jeanne, will you join us?
I would but I don't know how.
Just to please me?
I know nothing about money.
So, who else is playing?
If you don't fear getting taken to the cleaners, I'm your man.
Dear friend, let us go.
I'll keep you company, Miss Jeanne.
- You're not playing? - Juggling with money? No.
We have so little time as it is to think about the essential things.
- Just think that… - It's getting cold, I'm going inside.
Serve it in the salon, where we're playing poker.
Yes.
The coffee!
- Stud poker or not? - For me, you know, any kind…
No, get up! I'm very superstitious.
I'll decide where we sit.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe!
Catch a tiger by the toe!
So you sit there. That's it.
No, I got it wrong. I'll do it again.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe! Catch a tiger by the toe!
There, like that.
- Well, I'll… - No, don't move!
A game for Titans.
We're not playing for beans.
- What's the limit? - Fifty thousand?
A hundred?
A hundred and fifty, I'll write a check. I have chips.
A hundred and fifty? That's a lot.
But okay. But it's a lot.
The seven of spades is missing.
That music!
I'll go five.
- Raise you ten. - I'm in.
That music!
Cards?
Three.
- Three. - None for me.
How nice!
Excuse me.
- Mom! - Don't disturb me when I'm playing.
Your coffee.
No, not now. Go on.
Ten thousand.
Ten.
Fifty!
- I'll see you. - No need.
Marchioness! Gallantry and poker are two different things.
- May I see? - There!
A pair of sevens.
Two pairs.
That's how I play poker.
What is it?
There, a rat!
- Where? - Under the bed.
If I had a stick!
No, stay seated! You're just fine where you are.
That music!
There's no need for any panic.
Rats are nice creatures, clever too.
Ratty, ratty!
- That was close! - No!
Always showing off!
Quick! Diane! Georges!
A saw, a ladder, ropes, and a pulley!
- Did it work? - No, it failed.
Charlie!
Stop bothering the baroness. Out you go!
Yes, it failed because of your mother.
She let it fall on the playboy.
Good Lord!
He's fine, and he spat out the coffee.
Third time lucky.
This plan, my children, is infallible.
Listen carefully. You, Diane…
Cooey!
You! You're not playing hide- and- seek?
Neither are you?
There's always a lot to do in a house like this.
That's what's great about it. You must be happy here.
I'd love to stay.
Excuse me! Who's "it"?
Baron César!
No, sorry! He caught me, making me "it."
I caught your wife, so she's "it." You can't have two!
Wait for me!
That's not the game! Who's "it"?
- I desire you! - Amélie!
Why are you going after Amélie again?
Amélie!
Amélie, hurry up, we have to end this.
I've been looking for him everywhere. Where is he?
There, behind.
Don't cry, Mom.
I'll go.
Catch me if you can!
Up you come!
That's it!
He fell like a stone.
Well?
It feels strange.
He cracked like a walnut.
At least our roof is saved.
There you are! So who's "it"?
- He's so heartless! - What a brute!
Don't cry, Mom.
- Have we stopped playing? - There's no more "it."
Only a short while ago there were two,
now you say there are none?
It's over, you can go.
I don't understand. Go where?
Just leave!
What is my role in this game?
You broke down, I helped you out.
Now your cars are fixed, so you can get back on the road.
The kids!
I was starting to like that animal César.
Any longer, we'd have been too attached.
Success always has its bitter side.
Poor César.
And he had the key to the safe.
Good Lord, you're right! The key.
Charlie can use his drill. Go get him.
Bring the fixed cars too.
If I wasn't here…
- Kiss me. - I have the drill.
- Kiss me. - What, for the drill?
No, just for you.
- All just for me? - Yes, I swear.
Thanks.
- You're thanking me? - Yes, for the drill.
Cookie.
Don't you want to leave?
- Are we leaving? - Let's go.
Come on, then.
- It sounds like they're in love. - Who?
The frogs.
You're in love.
Yes, but I don't know who with.
Come on, let's go.
Yes, I'm coming.
- They're magnificent! - Who?
The frogs. They sound like they're in love.
Yes?
Love?
May I confess something to you?
Absolutely.
Are you a hit with women?
Yes.
Well, I'm not.
You've seen Jeanne, the young woman on the piano?
I've been wanting to woo her for years.
I'd decided to do it tonight,
but she's looking elsewhere.
In love with who knows who?
How could I not want to blow everything to pieces?
But it'll come.
All the time, up there,
it twinkles,
and twinkles.
And then, one beautiful day…
it will pop, like bubbles.
- You're not very jolly. - I see things as they are.
You're wrong there. I'm successful in everything.
Money, women…
Even an unexpected weekend in a dump.
Take a leaf out of my book.
Farewell, Sir.
I'm leaving.
Have a good life, my friend.
- Cookie! - Shit!
- Goodbye. - Your cars are ready.
- And the Scandinavians? - Swimming.
They're inexhaustible. Listen to them!
Finished! Car fixed! Leave!
It's getting late, it's tiring for the children.
But I'll never forget this weekend.
- See you again, I hope. - Of course.
- We'll be back. - Give César my best wishes.
- Goodbye, Mr. Georges. - Au revoir.
Say farewell to Miss Jeanne for me.
I'll be sure to.
Now, my children, to work!
- You're sure you've lost the key? - Quite sure.
What's in here?
It's just a little favor we're asking.
Well… it's not going to be easy.
Goodbye, see you!
Goodbye, lovely girls.
Goodbye.
Yes, I'll see to it. Goodbye.
Enjoy your misty weather up north!
Nothing doing!
Because we're trying from the front.
A safe, my children, must always be taken from behind.
- How can I turn it around? - We will, not it!
Come on, in the next room.
Let's do it!
Drill through here.
Charlie, you're hopeless!
Anyway, the safe is open.
It's empty!
Where's the briefcase?
Good Lord!
I thought you'd gone without saying goodbye.
I was a bit angry with you.
Where has everyone gone?
People come and go here.
I wanted to pay my respects to the marchioness.
I have no idea where she is.
I'll just have to sell this hovel and open a little café.
Georges, you can be the waiter.
Can you see me pouring beer and serving coffee?
Diane, your mother's dreaming again.
What about Jeanne?
Do you see her playing piano in some smoky basement dive?
Absolutely! I'll tell her right now.
- Mom? - César…
There, alive!
Maybe it's better you don't hear me.
I'm admitting to myself
that I've found a place where I feel at home, and it's here.
You?
You've been all over, seen everything. Asia, America…
I've seen nothing.
Or so little.
I am nothing.
I'm not a baron at all.
Jeanne, I'm just a crook. A brigand.
I'm a trafficker,
crossing borders with fortunes that give me the shakes.
Why do you do it?
I could talk about my unhappy childhood,
keeping bad company, a drunken father, and all the rest,
but that's not true.
My father was a kind man.
Calm, serene, humdrum…
I'm the black sheep of the family.
I sort of suspected that.
I don't care.
And anyway… I'm not asking for anything.
I know.
Because you are selflessness incarnate.
You're everything I am not.
Yet, in this place with its coming and going,
how many men have you known?
Me? Not one, ever.
Except for you.
Jeanne!
Shush! Act casual.
We'll come across them in the hallway.
Gran?
Gran, César is staying here.
Love has won him over! I hadn't thought of that.
Dear César…
make yourself at home.
Take this off.
You'll catch cold. I'll find you a sweater.
- Yes, a sweater. - You'll see how nice it is here.
And…
my dear César, you'll know what true pleasure is.
Doing nothing!
A strong smell of grass.
It's going to be a beautiful night.
THREE MONTHS LATER
HOTEL OF THE GRAND CENTURY
I'm sick of going to the market at four in the morning.
But I light the ovens at three! Did you get parsley?
I got 17 kilos. I'm going for the oysters now.
- The ladies are asking for you. - Coming!
Add a drop of cognac. Make it come alive!
I'm coming!
- Okay, Georges? - Fine.
Did you remember my ribbons?
For your flowers? Of course, Gran.
- Did you call my hairdresser? - He's coming tomorrow morning.
- Did you get my boots polished? - Yes, little Amélie.
Can you turn the page for me, César?
Mr. César, you're wanted!
He's tireless.
What a devil.
What a master.
I've just thought…
What does "living from hand to mouth" mean?
THE END
Subtitle translation by: Howard Bonsor