♫ Laura-in-the-ass ♫
Look, it's Laura-in-the-ass!
Stop!
Let go of me, for fuck's sake!
Madam Chairman.
It was not for administrative reasons
that Miss Duclos requisitioned my client
at one o'clock in the morning.
Barrister Dal Falco.
For the last time, stop your insinuations.
You are this close to contempt.
I am simply stating that, given that on the evening of the 17th,
Miss Duclos was rather in a cuddly mood,
how could my client have understood on the 22nd
that the restraining order had been restored?
Or would the law allow Miss Duclos
to dispose of my client whenever she sees fit?
Blame the victim for all the torment
your client inflicted on them while you're at it!
I'm simply accusing the victim of being a tease who doesn't know what she wants.
Barrister Dal Falco!
You are completely mad!
Do you realize what your bullshit could have cost me?
Come on.
I've met a lot of madmen in my life but freaks like you,
never. Ever!
And the text messages?
What would we have done if
she had just deleted the messages?
Nothing at all, you would have done nothing,
then it would have fallen to me!
It pisses me off!
And as if by chance, conveniently...
Listen piece of shit,
consider yourself lucky you had me to save your ass
because no one wanted your file.
Do you know why no one wanted it?
Because everyone knows that you are a scumbag who beats his wife
and who probably played naughty games with his little girl.
So now, you better get out of my way
and pray
I never have to defend you again because, believe me,
you have no idea how much power I have on your life.
Open the door.
Wait.
I can't do it. I don't understand this thing.
It's easy,
you put it in, you push, you pull out.
It's like the Push-Up Pops, you know? At the beach.
What? Stop it, you're annoying.
I'm freaking out.
Do you think there is a chance that it takes my virginity?
None.
Come on, be brave.
Who the hell invented such a thing?
I don't know.
Mister Tampax.
Yeah well, you should tell him that I'm this close to filing a rape complaint
because it hurts a lot.
Don't worry, if you still feel pain tomorrow, we sue.
And don't say a word to my dad.
Did you take me for a snitch?
Kinda.
Is everything okay with Anna or should I go help her?
You definitely shouldn't.
Definitely shouldn't? Why?
Why "definitely shouldn't"?
Did she specifically stipulate that I wasn't fit to handle the situation?
She put it in writing, is that it?
Oh!
Calm down, Gunderson.
That's the best you can do?
Yeah.
Well, it's incredible for a cop's wife
to not be able to make any good cop joke.
What do you want to eat tomorrow for lunch?
Well, ham.
Because I'm a pig?
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
Oh no, my bad, I can't tomorrow.
I have a working lunch.
How are you?
You were in a meeting?
Yeah, I just left.
I have to go.
I need some advice from you for work.
I'll come see you at the bar?
Okay.
What lunch?
Listen, I don't remember and it's my fiancé's birthday.
I have lunch with him.
Yeah, well that can wait.
I'll finish this when I get home.
Alright.
See you later.
Hello, my name is Christiane, I'm 40,
I'm bulimic
and I'm
a cocaine addict.
Anyways, that doesn't concern you,
except her over there, thanks for the tip.
Anyways.
Hello Christiane.
Hello, my name is Sophie, I'm 27
and I'm anorexic.
Hello Sophie.
Hello, my name is Isabelle, I'm 38.
I'm new here and
I too am anorexic.
It's not obvious, I know.
Hello Isabelle.
Hi, Bruno, 40, bulimic.
I want to tell you how happy I am to be with you today and
how good your presence made me feel for so long.
I have been sober for 5 years thanks to your programs.
Wait, wait.
As you all know,
today is the day we hand over tokens and I'm
particularly moved because it is to Laura,
of whom I'm the sponsor in the program,
that I'm going to give the token.
Laura, who will tell us her story
to celebrate her first year of abstinence,
something that seemed inconceivable
when I met her 4 years ago.
Hello, my name is Laura, I'm 31.
I've been an abstinent bulimic for a year.
It's the first time I celebrate an anniversary without making myself vomit at the end.
Anyways.
I went through different phases in my relationship with food.
You should introduce yourself when you walk in here.
Oh okay, sorry.
Hello everyone,
my name is Shirley.
Hello Shirley.
I don't get it, Shirley.
You were so beautiful together.
I thought it was for life.
I'm the one who left this asshole who puts his dick everywhere.
What do you think?
You think I'm gonna stay with a guy who fucks all the mingers around.
Oh yeah? Like who?
Her.
No...
I swear.
He even put it in her ass.
No...
No, no, no.
Dumb fuck.
It's crazy to be so fat and such a bitch at the same time.
Queen of BLOWJOBS
Dal Falco lends her ass at recess!
If your dick is on fire Call: Laura Dal Falco
LAURA THE WHORE
If you're lonely, there's always room in LAURA's ass for my passing friend. 67.78.89.91
Shirley: "Filthy whore" BUY HER A NEW BOYFRIEND!!!
Not interested in ginger cocks. Call LAURA at 34.46.19.80
I'm super proud of you,
you're the best.
Excuse me.
Laura, right?
I'm Shirley.
Did I bother you? Sorry.
No.
See you later.
But since we have to introduce ourselves...
No problem.
It's funny because I think we know each other.
Shirley Ackman?
Yes.
We went to the same high school.
Well, I was 4 years younger than you so...
we never talked to each other but I know who you are.
Really?
I'm sorry but I don't recognize you.
Anyways, what you said earlier was really good and,
listening to you, I felt like I knew you.
You see? I wasn't far from the truth.
I believe we are supposed to have a sponsor in the program
and I was wondering if you would like to be mine?
Alright.
Great.
You, get out.
We finally got that Shirley Ackman bitch.
No, no, no.
Don't do this to me, you can't leave me like this.
It's been 15 years, it was hard,
15 years that I've been waiting!
Do you realize she didn't even recognize us?
She has to pay.
I know it's awful but she has to pay, it's unfair!
For fuck's sake, stop running!
I don't know, we could talk about it over a raclette,
or a fondue.
Don't tell me you don't like Savoyard cuisine anymore?
Please, I'm begging you.
Given the equal physical strength of my client and the compainant,
and their extreme sexual practices,
it would seem to me that the victim - perpetrator relationship is not obvious.
It's crazy!
What's with this habit of defending guys who beat up their wives
or their Village People figures?
It would therefore be more adequate
to call what the prosecutor calls domestic violence
a simple altercation at home.
Oh.
At least look at me.
She's so annoying...
I would add
that we wish to file a complaint
for destruction of property since the brawl took place in my client's home.
I too demand justice.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,
the law of retaliation, Mobb Deep, fuck!
Don't tell me you don't like Mobb Deep anymore either!
Barrister?
Barrister!
I demand justice.
Hey, hey.
What are you doing?
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Fucking cunt!
Come on, it's not that bad.
You hadn't lost a case in 5 years.
You're a human being.
It's quite reassuring actually.
Right?
What?
Oh!
Shirley hurt you, not me.
Besides, she has already paid.
I look hotter than her, she has a shitty life,
and she's asking me for help.
So, if you keep obsessing over her,
look for Shirley's obese double and beat the shit out of her.
Or better, do some sports.
But leave me alone with your revenge bullshit.
You don't matter to this girl.
She thinks you are just a nobody among a herd of nobodies.
And what is she gonna use you for?
To lose 10 pounds?
Just ask yourself how much time you've spent
thinking about her for the last 15 years.
Come in!
I can't tell you that...
I'm too ashamed.
Shirley, I don't know you, you don't know me, I won't judge you.
That's why it works.
Right.
Alright, sorry.
So...
All my niece's friends were there,
6 year old kids crying in front of the buffet
because I was taking up all the space.
I would pit them against each other,
I would pick from their plates.
All in all, I must have eaten about three quarters of the cake.
And the little Dragibus!
You like?
Anyway,
I went down the street and when
I finally managed to...
make myself throw up between two cars,
Miss Marx, my neighbor, came by.
So I told her the first thing that came to my mind.
I... Well, I told her
"I am pregnant".
But this idiot told it to the whole neighborhood, including my husband.
So, it's already exhausting enough to have to hide it from my husband
but if on top of that I have to lie to the whole neighborhood...
Do you realize that there isn't a single street in the area where I wouldn't have...
made myself vomit.
Anyway.
I can't take it anymore.
I'm tired.
You know what I mean?
Vaguely.
Okay...
So, we will start with the first step,
in order.
We admit that we are powerless when it comes to food
and that we have lost control of our lives.
But I've never been obese.
That's for fatties.
What do you mean?
I'm just bulimic.
That's why I chose you.
You are the only one in this group who looks like me.
Otherwise, there are only old dykes and fat girls at the end of their tether.
At least you look normal!
Okay, well, it's probably best that we go straight to the eighth step then.
Really?
You're right, you don't look as bad as the others.
- That's nice to hear. - So!
We made a list of all the people we have wronged
and we agree to right our wrongs with each of them.
So, what are you thinking of?
I don't know, let me think...
I bumped into someone earlier on the street.
No, I mean things you are really ashamed of.
Things you'd rather forget.
I don't think I want to talk about it.
Well...
Okay, let's call it a day and you call me whenever you feel ready.
Wait, wait, wait.
Uh... Wait a minute.
Okay...
So, originally...
my husband was my best friend's fiancé.
She's now depressed and hasn't spoken to me in 10 years.
Great, what else?
A few months ago, I made my daughter believe that her boyfriend was gay
because... I didn't like him.
He had a bad influence on her.
Now she's convinced that she turns guys gay.
Dig even deeper.
I can't find anything...
What about when you were...
younger?
Oh, yeah.
When I was 11 years old,
my cousin slept at my house and, during the night,
I shaved her mustache.
And during high school?
I really don't see anything...
Are you sure?
Because I have something in mind.
Well, actually, I don't know.
What is it?
I mean, we all did stupid things in high school.
Well, I didn't.
Then, let's begin.
Okay.
For fuck's sake.
Don't apologize, I'm here to help you.
Can we talk tomorrow?
Try to go back to sleep.
Who the fuck is that?
Someone who needs me.
I used to be high all the time, I would see cops everywhere.
That was normal.
But now, I'm not taking anything anymore, right?
I'm taking absolutely nothing.
Right? And I still see cops everywhere!
I'm sure this means
I'm about to get caught, you know?
It's like a hunch, you know?
- Nah... - I know it! I'm sure of it!
On top of that, they all look like gypsies.
I can't even tell them apart anymore!
You see? A real gypsy,
a cop who looks like a gypsy,
a gypsy who became a cop...
I swear, they are this close to catching me.
You're laughing but I'm in big trouble!
I'm in big trouble!
I don't wanna spend three years in jail.
Three months, that's fine, six months even but...
And some guy told me, well...
another fucking gypsy of course.
You know what he told me?
Well, he told me that if take drugs too
I get a lower sentence
than if I'm sober while selling.
Do you understand?
So, I know what I'm gonna do.
I relapse.
I'm gonna quit everything anyway.
Abstinence, the anonymous meetings.
Shouldn't you just stop dealing?
It's not that.
I just wanna know if what this guy told me is true.
Can I get less time in jail if I take drugs than if I don't?
Well, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Alright.
Holy fuck, that shit is so good.
How much do I owe you?
Two grams.
Two grams?
No but, for the consultation?
Two grams.
Really?
Are you sure?
Here you go.
Don't you wanna test it?
No... Thanks.
You wanna snort a line with me?
No, no, thanks, I don't do that kind of stuff.
It's not for me.
Oh...
It's just to try it, because you know...
sometimes...
I get drugs of poor quality...
I mean, I don't know where it came from.
Well, never mind, I'll just finish this then.
I don't know what to tell you, I may have overestimated the quantities.
Well, it depends.
- How many are we? - Four.
Oh...
- I guess they don't know about... - No.
- And that you're gonna make yourself... - Yes.
- And that they think you... - Yes.
- But not that... - No.
- While in fact... - Yes.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Can I use your bathroom?
Second floor, on the left.
Laura?
Laura, what are you doing? Dinner is ready.
I'm sorry, dinners are hard for me.
If I start eating, I'll eat everything.
It's just an appetite suppressant, I don't take them otherwise.
You don't have to believe me. I understand if you'd rather see me go.
Wait, wait.
It really suppresses appetite?
Well, yeah.
Wow!
Are you sure it's not addictive?
You watch too much TV.
I would like you not to drink wine during dinner honey. Do me a favor.
First of all, I drink it all the time at dad's.
Secondly, you let me drink some at Jean-Michel's birthday party.
Then frankly,
coming from the one who empties a bottle every night,
I find it really inappropriate.
Well, I can't believe Shirley was as annoying as her when she was her age.
I don't know about that.
- Didn't you go to high school together? - Yes but...
But I was a princess.
Laura was the annoying one.
It was provocation, admit it.
She would come to class with messy hair.
She wasn't combed, right?
She would give wrong answers on purpose to those who wanted to cheat so that they would fail.
She was a real snake.
She even kissed me on the mouth.
It's so lame to act lesbian just to look young.
We were all doing it in 2009, now it's over.
It's for losers.
- You remember the blowout at... - Blowout? Who even says "blowout" these days?
There were mariaquis too to welcome you?
Mariachis.
At Loïc's?
Loïc? That's such a corny name.
Why not Pierric while we're at it?
- When the cops showed up... - By the way,
if you were so cool, how come you turned out like this?
We even hit on them because we were afraid that...
Will you shut up now, you fucking moron?
You are completely insane.
Freak.
Deborah, I'm sorry.
It's incredible, truly incredible.
You couldn't find any of them?
Not even one?
No.
Hello?
No, I'm in bed but it's okay.
Oh no...
It's just an anxiety attack, don't worry.
What, now?
Okay, okay.
I'll be there in half an hour, okay?
No, I'll pick you up.
No problem.
See you soon.
So, where are we going?
In a friend's bar.
It's very cool, you'll see.
Is something going on between you and my boyfriend?
What?
Shirley, it's 2 am, I'm picking you up, don't overstay your welcome.
Sorry.
I don't know what's going on tonight.
You'll have a drink, it will help you relax.
And next time you lie to your family, let me know.
I didn't know we were best friends in high school.
Let's go.
Hey! We have to eat something if we don't wanna collapse.
I want a gunner or a kebab.
We need to take some of your appetite suppressant.
Yeah well, take some with my friend, I'm okay.
I won't do it with someone I don't know.
You look completely drunk. Come on, let's go.
No.
Too early, right?
- You're done? - Yeah, yeah, almost. - Yeah?
- Let her do it, let her do it. - Yeah but I don't wanna wait forever.
Stop blowing!
It's alright, some of it went in.
Shut up.
And for the chief.
Again!
I really don't know what you're talking about.
Jerk!
There are things in life that are unforgivable.
When you can't look at yourself in the mirror anymore, it's time to act.
You know, it kind of is like you.
- Give me a drink, please. - Alright, alright.
You know what I mean though, right?
Of course I know what you mean.
Of course, I see it with the bar.
The guys that tell me "pam",
I reply with "tac".
That's what I mean, you grab them and "pam".
You and I, we used to take time to think.
Now, tac tac, we just have to go for it, you know?
We are pretty much in the same place.
I found my place. It's right here, damn it.
This is my place, I have to preserve it.
You too have your place,
but yours is...
- It's somewhere else, you know? - So, I go find it?
Yes you do! And don't hesitate!
But you never look back!
- You're a bit high, righ? - Yeah, I'm completely wasted.
What's in your eye, sweetie?
Well, I...
Isn't that your friend getting half impregnated on my bench?
Yeah... Hey!
Now, guys on the street, they sell with machetes and maces in their hands.
You see? It's war out there!
Yeah.
Then, I don't know, find yourself a quieter place.
A pet store,
or a retirement home, you know?
I'm warning you,
if your friend puts cum on my couch,
she's gonna be the one paying for it.
Okay, okay.
Goodnight! See you!
Wait, wait!
What should I do?
Well, live your life.
I can't do that, I'm maried, it's nonsense!
Well, do you want to or not?
- Yeah but... - Well, do it then.
Okay.
But where should I go?
Well, at his place.
He lives with his mom.
Are we going or not? I'm on fire!
- I don't know, go to the hotel. - Okay.
- But which hotel? - I don't know, Shirley,
you don't know any hotel?
Not that kind of hotel.
Can't you just come along?
I'm on fire.
I don't have any cash.
So what? Use your credit card!
I can't, I have a joint account with François.
And him?
Ok, alright, alright.
Can't you just wait for me?
Of course.
I'm gonna fucking destroy her.
I don't suppose you have anything to drink?
I don't get it.
Why does she refuse him even though she loves him and everything is arranged with the sister?
It's because of her dad.
As long as he hasn't paid the dowry he owes the other with interest
and the sister hasn't pledged herself to the brother,
she will never be allowed to touch any man.
Mh, yeah, it ain't easy.
Can I make a phone call?
My battery died.
Behind the counter.
Hello?
Did I miss something?
The uncle is back.
- Cool! - No, not cool!
Oh, damn.
Is it for you?
No.
Good evening, good morning, namaste, Ramran, internation hotel.
Shirley?
No!
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, stop it!
Come on!
Damn it, stop, no!
You did that two times! No, it's unfair!
You can't do that!
Help!
Laura!
Anybody there?
Laura!
Hey, do you know what they call this in English?
Huh, "the moustache"?
No, they call it "flavor keeper"!
I can't breathe! Move him!
Is he dead?
No, he fell asleep while...
Who cares?
Move him, for fuck's sake!
Wait, two seconds, two seconds!
I think it's more complicated than that.
Is he still in you?
I think so.
It's awful.
Awful!
Pull him out
very slowly.
- Sorry! - Ouch.
I'm doing it, Shirley.
Stop, stop! He's stuck!
Sorry!
Be careful...
Come on!
Ready? One, two, three, four...
It's like a suction cup.
- Fucking hell. - Okay, I'm ready.
Yeah, I'm ready.
I'm ready.
And he fucking snores!
For fuck's sake, I can't do it!
You can put your shoes back on, we're all already up.
I'm sorry, I wanted to call but...
Anna, hurry up,
we're going.
♫ My dad is gonna smoke you, he is too angry ♫
Come on, get out of here.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
Wait a minute, I don't understand. Why don't you call her mother?
Yeah, well, I don't see what it has to do with it but alright...
I'm on my way.
She's so annoying.
Good morning.
She first started by monetizing her services,
up to 5€ for a French kiss.
From what I understand, it was happening near or around the gym,
what she herself calls her territory.
Then, when she found herself in possession of a small fortune,
Anna had the bright idea idea of hiring two of her eighth grade classmates
to do the dirty work.
While taking a commission of 3€ on the 5€ collected.
I don't know what you make of it.
I can only imagine the moral embarrassement in which
you must be finding yourself but I consider that,
since this case has no precedent within the Jules Ferry College,
I consider that it is no more and no less than non-sexual pimping
of minors under the age of 16.
I see no other solution than to exclude her from the institution
for 15 days.
Anna, do you have something to say?
"Non-sexual pimping", that doesn't mean anything, it's like...
I don't know...
"Non-vital murder".
It doesn't exist.
Be quiet, Anna.
What's happening bothers me very much, Miss Dal Falco.
I have no formal evidence of what Laura may have done in the bathroom,
nor do I know how... intimate
she may have been with the boys her age at school,
but the rumor mill is spinning out of control
and I believe that, in order to restore discipline
and sanitize the school environment
once and for all,
it would be best for Laura to stay out of class for a few days.
Let's say for a week.
That's all.
Are you expelling her?
Not really, no, no.
No, but we talked it over with Miss Tobacco, our psychologist.
She is perfectly willing to have Laura once a day during that week.
Or even twice.
It's up to you, Laura.
What do you think?
That's not an answer.
Okay?
Laura, please.
Laura, you can speak.
You have to take charge of yourself. I can't handle everything by myself.
- Of course. - Okay?
Are you mad at me?
Are you really mad at me for that?
How much money did you make?
It's so tacky to talk about money.
Please, don't make me do it.
I swear, if you do this to me I won't ever talk to you again.
Who's the one who made a mistake?
You or me?
Who's the adult? You or me?
Do you want me to call your dad, your mom?
Both?
Don't forget that you got into this situation all by yourself.
I'm sorry.
I realize that...
it's wrong to treat women like that and...
as a woman, well,
I wouldn't want to be treated that way.
Go get your tits chewed on!
Fuck you, moron!
Okay, calm down guys.
What are you doing?
Please, put your clothes back on.
Get naked!
Oh, quiet!
This is for what I owe you.
Take those.
This is for those of I have to pay back.
Well, those who paid to French kiss Edwige and Sonya.
I don't have any change so you will have to figure it out amongst yourselves.
Loser!
Yeah!
Creep!
I swear.
I don't believe you.
I swear it's true!
Hey Laura, what's up?
She's my mom's best friend.
What are you doing here? It's so weird seeing you here.
It happens.
Have you seen your mom this morning?
Is she okay?
Well, as usual,
she's herself.
Wow, I love your kicks.
Stop it.
Don't worry.
What size do you wear, 6?
There is a killer pair of shoes at the lost and found but they are too small for me.
Just go and ask.
Thanks for the tip.
Anyway, we have to go if we don't wanna be late for class.
See you!
Damn, you know her?
That's so cool.
You think so?
Of course I do!
Do you think dad is gonna kill me?
You will never again be allowed to step foot outside.
You will come straight home after class,
I want you to be home 10 minutes after the bell.
You can forget about your friends, outings, it's all over.
And I don't want to hear you anymore!
I don't want a single word to come out your mouth.
Oh, and I don't want you to type words either!
You don't talk to anyone in any way whatsoever!
And what you are wearing right now, you keep it, you don't ever change again, that's it.
You'll have to wash it yourself.
I don't give a damn if you look like garbage at school.
No, no, don't!
Oh!
Does it look like I'm kidding to you?
That's enough, come with me.
I screwed up.
My 13 years old daughter gave up her career as a hooker to become a pimp.
Plus, you'd think that, being a cop's daughter,
she could at least have learned not to get caught.
I really screwed up.
Come on, we've all done stuff like that growing up.
At her age, it grows everywhere, you piss blood, it's complicated.
Don't tell me you also made your friends whore around?
I would have if I had friends.
Can you tell us what you see, Laura?
Laura, we are here for you, you know?
If you don't help us, we can't help you either.
Is it because you don't see anything or because you are afraid to tell us what you see?
Come on Laura, you have to make an effort here.
I see a dick!
Alright, I see dick going into an ass.
I see a dick because it is a dick.
So why are you asking me this if you see it too?
And here, what do you see?
"Fuck yourself".
Do you want me to fuck myself?
Thank you Noémie.
If someone wants to share their story, we have 5 minutes left.
Hey everyone.
My name is Shirley, I'm 35 and I'm bulimic.
Hello Shirley.
I'm bulimic.
I don't know how it happened.
I remember one day I read something about it in a magazine,
I don't remember when.
They said how horrible it was, that girls were making themselves vomit
to death.
Frankly, I thought it was brilliant.
We convince ourselves that those who died are those went too far.
It's true, you overeat, you vomit, the counters reset.
It shouldn't be that simple.
My husband doesn't know.
Not because I want to protect him or some bullshit like that but...
It's the only thing that truly belongs to me.
Therefore, I don't think I'm ready to stop,
I don't want to.
Not because I like it,
it's hell.
My body is completely out of whack.
One time, one of my teeth even came out with it...
But I keep telling myself that I'm like that
and...
without that, what would I do?
I'm not brave enough to be anything else.
The only thing that scares me
is passing it on to my daughter.
I love her so much.
She's 16.
She's beautiful
but she's so...
vulnerable.
I look like her, well,
she looks like me,
even on the worst sides.
I know her so well that I could slap her.
I refuse to let her turn like me.
It can't happen.
Thank you Shirley.
Laura.
What's going on, is something wrong?
- No, everything is fine. - No, everything is not fine.
You don't answer my messages anymore,
you cancel our meetings.
Look, look.
I'm calling you, look, ring.
I'm in a hurry, I have to go.
Okay, so you really aren't in the mood?
Don't worry, I'll call you.
Flowers.
Here they are.
Thanks sweetie.
- Is this all right? - Yes, it is.
All my life I have been waiting for this moment.
All my life I have dreamed of spitting on you grave.
And now, you see,
I'm bringing you flowers.
You left my life,
you left my mouth.
This is Laura. Come in, Laura.
I hope that you will do your best to make her feel at home in our school
and that you will remember that it's not easy being new,
so try to make it easy for her.
Oh come on, they sent us Laura-in-the-ass!
Hey, oh, oh,
Leslie, next time you do this you're out.
Take a seat.
Don't touch me, you'll give me your diseases.
Are you hungry?
Where did you find it?
Give it to me right away.
He stashes everything at the same place...
He does the same for Christmas presents.
Since when do you know where we stash the Christmas presents?
Let me see.
No, don't.
Come on!
You're on Facebook?
You're 13.
I know.
Wait, show me.
Show me your pictures.
I don't have any pictures.
Really?
Can I tell you a secret?
Yeah, spill it.
I've sent a friend request to Deborah.
Oh, so, did she accept?
Well, I don't know, it's only been 2 hours since I sent it.
Show me her page.
Oh, seriously?
Does anyone make this kind of face in real life?
Seriously, you ask them if they're okay and they make this face?
To reply?
Really, nobody does that.
Still, I think she's really cool, look.
Yeah, well, you'll get over it pretty quick.
What?
Forget about that girl, she's the one who should be begging to be your friend.
Can't you unfriend her?
- No. - Is it too late?
You two really are taking the piss out of me, huh?
I'm the one who took it, I wanted to show her something.
What the fuck are you doing?
My daughter is not your friend.
Yes?
Sorry, I was working.
What? Are you serious?
Shirley, look at that!
Did you know that the Reims cathedral was 800 years old this year?
Really?
We can't find anything in this fucking house,
you don't know how to organize things,
fuck!
You better get me out of here.
I can't take it anymore,
I want some cock.
There, I said it.
I want some cock.
Oh fuck, it doesn't want to come out.
This one is stuck, it can't come out.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry...
I'm such a fucking idiot.
Sorry.
Help.
Can I use your phone?
Hello?
Madam Chairman,
who are we charging today?
My client,
Mister Larbi,
is a reclusive man
who resorts to prostitution...
That's a first.
Allow me to interrupt you Barrister
because it would seem to me that you are not defending the right case.
I beg your pardon?
If I am not mistaken, this is file 91-1206-B,
you client's name is Bramly
Virgile
and he was charged with indecent assault.
You aren't the one charged with passive soliciting?
No.
Well, not today anyway.
So it's not you?
Well, no, it's not me.
Madam Chairman,
I had a really bad night.
Dec. 7th 201110:58pm
Dec. 15th 201111:17pm
Nov. 24th 201111:30pm
Nov. 24th 201111:46pm
Dec. 6th 20118:55pm
I'm not gonna lie Shankar, your divorce is not looking good.
With what's written in there, she's gonna take everything.
The house, the kids, your parents' house in Delhi.
She can't take my parents' house.
What I'm worried about the most are your papers.
She's French, it reeks of white marriage.
As soon as you sign this, they'll try to deport you.
What am I gonna do then?
Well, I don't know...
Damn it, I'm sorry.
These papers are a direct ticket to Breha.
Breha? What is that?
Well, that's where they put all the divorced immigrants.
The legal procedure is that they keep you for 2 years,
hard labor, torture,
and then they use your corpse to make suppositories
so that you can spend your next life in someone's ass.
You're gonna give me
a heart attack!
Sheitan!
Oh, Shankar, we'll find something.
Sorry.
Do you see what I mean or not?
Here, look.
So, what should I do?
Should I shave?
Or should I wait for it to fall?
What looks more bald to you?
Hm?
Because, if I shave,
it clearly means I've given up,
I'm officially a bald guy.
Or,
I let it grow in the back
and then I bring it all in the front to make a fringe.
No?
What do you think?
Don't know, don't care.
You see, we can never talk about that kind of stuff, it's crazy.
Every time I see a guy with a wig on the street,
I want to tell him "Dude, stop it, you're not fooling anyone".
"Don't show off, you're bald".
Weren't you supposed to turn left here?
Where are you going?
I have to check on something.
But, you agree that we need to break this taboo?
I want to break this taboo.
It's not... It's not a disease to be bald, right?
What are we doing at Vinnie's?
Who's Vinnie?
Well, he's the guy who owns this bar.
So, what are we doing?
I don't know.
You don't know.
I don't know.
And uh, how long will it take?
I don't know.
Alright...
Is drug dealing going on here?
Well, they "deal",
they trade.
They peddle.
Hey buddy.
Wake up.
Oh!
Is that him, Vinnie?
The fat one?
Yeah, that's him.
Is that your wife I see with him?
Yeah...
Don't you have a phone call to make?
I don't feel like it... Haven't we already seen this one?
It's my favorite.
- Good evening. - Good evening.
I guess that if you're here, it means my wife is close by.
So if she's not here,
she's in a room.
So there's not point for me to go upstairs?
It doesn't bother me.
Are you sure it's a good idea for you to go home?
I'm exhausted, I need to collapse.
- Sometimes it ends up working out. - No.
I should be shattered, it's absurd.
Why can't I feel anything?
I'm hungry.
I'm only hungry.
I'm home.
I'm tired, I really have to go to bed.
Come here.
I just want you to leave.
Now.
I've already packed your bag.
You know me, I'm not a junkie.
I'm begging you.
- Go away. - No, I won't go, it's pointless.
I don't give a fuck if you're getting fucked in whore hotels,
but I do give a fuck about you bringing dope where my daughter fucking lives!
I need to see her, let me at least tell her goodbye.
Stay away from Anna.
Get out.
What?
Either we drink until we choke on our vomit,
or we commit collective suicide, but it's only fun with a baby or a toddler.
I have a baby in the freezer if you want.
It's horrible.
Don't even consider it, she must eat.
I'm warning you, if she doesn't eat,
you will.
For fuck's sake!
Who is it?
My mom.
It's maddening,
you can be sure that whenever something bad happens to me, she will call me within
two seconds to tell me it's all my fault.
How does she know? That, I have no idea.
I don't tell her anything.
I never told her anything.
That woman is a wizard.
It's telepathy.
The only thing she wants to do since I was born
is to put me in therapy.
But why?
I don't know, she never even went to therapy.
My mom, her favorite thing to say when I tell her about my life is
"just like me".
She starts all her sentences with "just like me".
Even if I tell her about a gangbang,
you can be sure that it will remind her of her life.
Does she know about your eating disorder?
I mean, she thinks I'm her best friend since I'm 5 so...
And you?
No.
But I'm sure that, with her evil antennae, she's suspecting something.
It's a nightmare to imagine a conversation
of more than 5 minutes with my mom.
I don't know how you do it.
I don't do anything, she does.
She even forced me to tell her about my deflowering in detail
so she could tell me about hers afterwards.
Oh, my god!
Oh, that's rough!
How old were you?
19.
Really?
I was sure you were one of the first in high school.
That's because I made it sound like I was.
But not at all!
I was terrified.
Do you remember Yann?
He was my boyfriend.
Nah, you probably don't remember, you were 4 years younger.
Well, that's why that prick dumped me,
because I couldn't do it.
After that, I did something really nasty.
Do you remember the ugly fat girl who was always hanging out by herself, the poor thing?
You must know her, everyone always said
"Something in the ass".
I don't remember her name.
There even was a song.
♫ She got it in the ass, ouch ♫
♫ She got it in the... ♫
Come on!
Anyway.
When Yann dumped me,
to avoid embarrassing myself,
I spread the rumor that he had sodomized her in the washroom.
It became huge at school.
You don't remember that?
How is that possible?
Why did you never say it wasn't true?
It got so big after a while that I let it go,
it just was funny.
No, I don't remember.
I must have been too young.
♫ She got it in the ass, ouch ♫
♫ She wanted it so bad, ouch ♫
Anyway!
Wow, what's happening?
Go fix yourself up a bit, I have a surprise for you.
Anybody want some?
Not me.
Yeah, why not?
What's gotten into you?
What?
- Do you want me to leave you two alone? - No, no, stay.
We might have a couple of things to talk about though, right?
Well, I'd like to talk to you anyway.
If I'm here, it is only thanks to her.
If you want to talk, we can talk here.
I'm angry.
I too have things to say.
You stabbed me in the back, you literally crushed me, Shirley.
I hate you.
Don't say that... I'm sorry.
We can work it out.
I'm sure we can work it out.
Please, tell me we can!
Forgive me François but things like that don't happen for no reason.
I mean, I'm not trying to defend Shirley but you can imagine that there are deeper reasons for this.
Reasons that only concern the both of you.
From the outside looking in, I get the impression that you are locked into a kind of ideal that no longer works.
That doesn't mean you can't be together but
you should be together in a different way.
So it's my fault if she gets fucked every night by punks?
I didn't say that.
But if she did it, it's because she needed to.
And, if you want to continue with her, you can't ignore that.
But that's okay. Some need to dress up,
some do it in public places, some have threesomes.
For example,
if we were to do this, here,
the three of us,
well, I wouldn't judge you,
I wouldn't see you any less as a couple.
Very funny.
Listen François, I don't need this.
I just want us to get back together and try to work it out together...
What if I want to have a threesome?
I don't see why we shouldn't do it.
You had fun on your side,
I too want to have fun.
Of course,
let's go.
Why don't you take us both right now on the coffee table?
Why not?
I think we should do it.
Wait, are you kidding me?
I don't want that at all.
What are you doing?
I want us to do it.
What's all this?
I think you're gonna need it.
No.
So you don't remember me?
You don't remember because you don't care.
Have you ever noticed that the more people tell you something, the more you start to believe it?
A bit like you yesterday with François.
He was so convinced that this was the solution that you thought "maybe",
even though you clearly didn't want to.
It's kind of like when you get called a whore every day.
After a while, you start to feel like one.
Does this sound crazy to you?
It's me, Shirley.
You know damn well what you did to me.
I don't know why, I hate that name, but now I'm happy to say it.
Laura-in-the-ass.
It's rough.
So rough.