NARRATOR: These are some of the newest weapons in our arsenal of defense.
Fantastic, fearsome and reassuring.
Even weapons like these, however, would mean little
unless we were at least one jump ahead of the enemy.
Thus, to stay a jump ahead, a foremost concern of our armed forces is security.
(WHOOSHING)
From well-trained guards to electronic code machines,
we work constantly to protect our military secrets.
And when it comes to data of the most critical nature,
the kind around which revolves the destiny of the free world,
even codes are not enough.
These top secrets are entrusted to only
the most carefully chosen couriers.
Good morning, Prescott. Good morning, Stirling.
Did you bring it? It's in the bag and it's plenty hot.
(INHALES) Ah.
Well, here you are.
One for you and one for me.
That's just what I need, Pete, my boy. My nerves are shot.
Tough night?
Yeah, a tough message from the navy base at Coronado.
Harder to crack than a top sergeant's heart.
Hmm. Navy, huh? Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you what, Prescott.
I've got a 30-day leave coming up,
and back home there's a little old lady
who runs a candy store where they sell salt water taffy.
I'll have her break It for you.
That's very funny. Very funny.
Here. Try it yourself, buddy.
It's all yours. Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
(DRUM ROLL)
Oh, no!
This is terrible! It can't happen! It mustn't happen!
And I won't let it happen!
What's the matter? This is war!
War? War? Yeah, a personal war. Me and the Navy.
Well, where're you going? What's in that message?
I told you, Prescott, it's personal.
Stirling, what does that say? I can't tell you!
You can't leave here with that message!
Get outta my way, Prescott! I'm in a hurry!
But you said yourself over and over
all messages must be cleared through security!
I did? You've said it a hundred times!
Now, what're you gonna do?
Eat my words!
Your flight is 303 leaving next Tuesday at 10:00 a.m.
Thank you very much.
Oh! Excuse me.
I phoned you. You've got my tickets. I'm Peter Stirling.
Slicker.
Slicker, what are you doing here?
And in that uniform!
(STAMMERS) But now, look, Miss... I think you have the...
How could you do such a thing?
Yeah, but I didn't. I didn't. I didn't do it. I didn't... Like what?
Wearing an Army officer's uniform.
They'll throw you in the brig!
In the what? They'll throw me in the what...
Now, look, Madam, I think you've made a mistake.
I mean, Miss... Sir... (SHUSHING)
Be quiet! You're attracting attention, Slicker.
Slicker? Who's he? I'm not him. He's not me. I don't even...
Now, now, see here.
Now wait, please... (STAMMERING)
Slicker, you shouldn't have done it.
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
Well, we're not gonna argue the point.
You're getting out of that uniform right now.
Out of my uniform? Now, look. See here! Now stop...
You're getting back into your own uniform.
Why, this is my uniform. I...
Come on and cooperate.
Please. Look, you don't know what you're doing.
Come on. Get out of this silly outfit! All of it!
It's my uniform and I... Will you... Look, madam... Sir...
(STAMMERS) Miss, will you...
You're gonna take the next plane back to Coronado.
Come on, Slicker. You're gonna have your own uniform on.
This is my own uniform.
And now the pants.
The pants? No, no! Oh, no, you don't.
These are my pants and this is my uniform!
Peter Stirling. Army!
I didn't do it. I didn't do it.
Is it possible? Yes, it is possible.
But you look exactly like him.
Yeah, but I'm not him! He's not me! I don't even know him!
I don't know what to say. I'm awfully sorry.
Yeah, well, you should, you should be!
MAN ON PA: Flight 46 leaving immediately...
That's my plane. I gotta get outta here.
At Gate Three.
Flight 46 leaving immediately at Gate Three.
Now there's something you really should investigate.
Excuse me, sailor. Yeah?
Where do I get the bus for the naval base?
Out front, soldier. Just leaving.
Thank you.
Slicker.
Hey, Slicker!
There's your auction, Lieutenant. Thanks.
Francis!
(BRAYS)
Francis!
Well, Lieutenant, it's high time you got here.
(STUTTERING) How did you arrive? By dog sled?
Gee, you don't even seem glad to see me.
Oh, I guess I am.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I've sure missed you.
Oh, Pete. Break it up.
I'm nauseous enough from the salt water around here anyway.
But, I don't understand.
You, an Army mule in the Navy. Yeah.
Well, what happened?
Oh, I got tapped for a joint operation. Somebody goofed the signal.
When it was over, I found myself hitched to a Navy detail
and declared surplus. Oh!
Well, now the problem is to get you out.
Get me out. And I don't want to be bought
by just any nincompoop.
You'd rather be bought by me. Right? Right!
Now, how you fixed for ammo?
I got a full month's pay.
All right. Get in there and start biddin'.
Remember, Lieutenant, no slip-ups this time.
Are you worried? Worried? Heavens, no.
These aren't gray hairs in my tail.
I'm just a husky silver fox. (LAUGHS)
Leave everything to me.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
Slicker.
What...
What's the big idea? (SHUSHES)
What, are you crazy?
Look who's talkin'. Slicker, you gotta stop this.
Slicker? Why does everybody call me Slicker?
Knock it off. You've gone too far this time.
Now, come on let's get rid of this phony uniform.
Oh, not again. Well, it's for your own good.
And for once, don't kick up a fuss. Just come along quietly.
Now, now, look! You've got the wrong man.
I just look like somebody that you know.
Yeah, and if you don't stop acting like him,
they're gonna throw the book at you.
Come on, let's get back to the outfit.
This is insubordination! (SHUSHING)
Maybe the authorities ought to settle this!
Not so loud. Loud?
Okay, okay. Have it your own way.
Forget I said anything. Just go on doing what you were doing.
Well, I never.
Hey, Jonesy!
What gives, Murph? It's Slicker again.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Where's Rick and Tony? They're over in the quarters.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Battle stations, men! What's up, Murph?
Battle stations! What's up?
Condition red! What's goin' on?
Slicker's off again.
Oh, no! Not again!
Just when I was taking my beauty nap.
What's the matter? Is he tanked up?
He's cold sober and wearing an officer's uniform.
An officer's uniform? Army!
Army? Ai yi yi.
What's all the fuss?
"What's all the fuss?"
If Donevan's off his rocker, why don't you let them put him In psycho?
(SCOFFS)
You're new to this outfit, Tate. You don't know Slicker.
The guy's a war hero.
He's been decorated eight times!
He's Navy, through and through!
Oh, sure. All Navy.
That's why he's always running out without a liberty card.
He's a victim of combat fatigue. He has relapses.
Yeah, innocent little mental quirks.
Quirks, my foot! He's batty.
Thanks for the lift, baby. Bye, Slicker, honey.
See you kids later.
How about me, Slicker? Am I an orphan?
Relax, baby. You're Marine property now.
Just for old times' sake?
Nothin' personal, matey.
One pucker, water boy,
and you're gonna be hollerin' for damage control.
Hmm.
Like I said, matey, nothin' personal.
Goodbye, ladies. Bye.
ALL: Hi. Hi.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)
It can't be! You must be wrong.
I am not! All right, men, what's it all about?
What'd you do with the uniform?
What uniform?
MURPHY: I saw you with my own eyes.
That olive drab ensemble.
Yeah. What the well-dressed bosun mate wears when he impersonates an Army officer.
Murph's been seeing things.
You haven't been feelin' too well, Slicker. You gotta be careful.
Don't do it again. Get a grip on yourself.
Relax, chum. When I need a nurse, I know where to lay my hands on one.
What do you think, Murph?
All clear for the moment. I guess.
Come on, guys.
See you later. Yeah.
Hey, Murph. You saw me wearing an Army officer's uniform?
It's no use tryin' to deny it, mate.
Where'd you see me?
The same place you saw me, at the Naval surplus auction.
At the auction, huh? And you're sure it was me?
Well, sure I am.
Listen, mate, if there hadn't been such a crowd at that auction,
I'd have hauled you back by myself.
Thanks. You're a pal. You want a lift?
No. I'm goin' over to Ships Service to pick up some shaving cream.
Okay. But steer clear of them rocks and shoals.
Are you all done? $5, three times.
(POUNDS GAVEL) Sold for $5. Take him away.
(GOAT BLEATING)
And now we come to number 57.
What have we here? A mule.
All right, you ranchers and farmers!
Let's start the bidding at $100!
Well, do I hear 75?
Well, let's start at $30. Do I hear a bid?
Twenty-five.
$25. Thank you, sir.
Thirty! Thirty! I have $30. Do I hear 35?
$30! I have 30, I want 35.
MAN: Thirty-five! $35! Thank you!
Forty! Forty! I have 40!
Thank you. I have $40. $40. $40.
Do I hear $45 for this wonderful animal?
FRANCIS: Get lost, Fatso.
AUCTIONEER: Do I hear 45? Do I hear 45?
Forty-five! $45!
$45! Forty five! I have 45! Do I hear 50?
Fifty! $50! I have $50!
Oh! AUCTIONEER: $50!
Fifty! I hear $50! $50.
PETER: Gee, I'm awfully sorry!
MAN 2: That's all right, Lieutenant.
Really, I'm...
Is there another bid? Fifty's the bid! Fifty, once!
Fifty-five! Fifty-five! Do I hear 60?
Sixty! $60! I have 60! I have 60!
Sixty! Sixty! The bid is 60! Can I get one more bid on this fine animal?
Hey, my wallet's gone! My money! I lost my money!
Mmm, that's my boy.
AUCTIONEER: The bid is 60! Sixty-five!
Sixty-five! Sixty-five! Sixty-five, once! Sixty-five, twice!
Seventy!
Seventy! The bid is seventy! Can I get one more?
Seventy-five! Seventy-five, once, twice.
Bid 80! AUCTIONEER: The bid is 80!
Shh, Francis, don't! The bid is 80! Do I hear 85?
Eighty-five! AUCTIONEER: Eighty-five once!
Can I get another bid on this fine animal?
One hundred!
$100, once, twice.
Sold! For $100.
Take him away.
Francis, you'll be stuck in the Navy. What are we gonna do?
Better raise that 100 bucks fast, Lieutenant.
Yeah, 100...
$100? Fast?
Now, folks, number 58. Sorrel gelding, eight years old.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, if you want to help Slicker,
you'd better get there in a hurry.
Oh, he's really on the loose this time.
He's in an Army officer's uniform.
Sixty, 70, 80. No, I've got to have 100.
I'm sorry, my laddie.
Hey, what about the bag itself?
That oughta be worth something.
All right. I'll give you 100 even.
Oh. Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.
Hey.
Wait a minute! Wait! What are you gonna do to me?
It's all right, Slicker. It's all right. We're takin' you home.
But I'm not Slicker!
Now don't make it difficult like the last time!
I'm not Slicker! What are you... You've got the wrong man!
Sure, you are! Sure, you are!
Now, listen! Really, I'm not Slicker!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Now, look. I'm Lieutenant Peter Stirling.
Yeah, Lieutenant! Sure, we're your honor guard!
Look, can't we discuss... Pull his pants off!
Can't we discuss this later? I've got something very important to do!
Oh, you won't need this phony dog tag.
That's my dog tag! I've gotta buy a mule!
Really, I do! I've gotta buy a mule! I've got the money right here!
Sure, I'll buy you one for your birthday.
Yeah, but, now really, I've gotta buy a... It's gonna be all right!
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
We're trying to help.
Now take it easy. We're trying to help you.
(ENGINE STARTING)
You're gonna be all right. I'm not Slicker.
Yes, sir?
Er, I've changed my mind. I'd like to claim my things.
But, you... Just now they...
Oh, I'd rather you forgot that incident, sir.
You see, it happens all the time in my occupation.
Secret Service. Oh, I see.
I tell you, you're making a mistake!
I'm not Slicker, whoever he is.
But I tell you, you're making a mistake!
Now take your hands off me! Leave me alone!
Okay, Slicker. Come on.
Jonesy.
Oh, no! Oh, not again!
Come on, Slicker. Put your clothes on like a good guy.
Hey, Mac, what's up?
Found him In town in an Army officer's uniform.
Army uniform? Yeah, that's my uniform!
All right, now. Let's have it out with your CO.
There's such a thing as protocol!
Hold it, Slicker. Everything's gonna be all right.
Slicker? How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not...
So I look like somebody in your outfit!
But we can't look that much alike!
Now, look at me! Look at me!
I'm Lieutenant Peter Stirling! Army!
We'll take it from here. Thanks for bringing' him in.
Keep an eye on the guy. Yeah.
Oh, this belongs to him.
I've always been Lieutenant Stirling,
except when I was a civilian, but even then I wasn't Slicker!
Sure you were. He don't know who he is!
Now, of course I know who I am!
It's you fellows that don't know who I am! I told you...
Wait! Don't leave me here! Hey, take it easy, mate!
This is where you belong. Sure.
Don't you remember me? Murph? And Tony? Good old Tony?
Sure!
And Jonesy? And then Rick? You know me.
Now come on. Let's lie down, shall we? Yeah. Lie down!
Lie down? We shall not! We shall go directly to your CO.
But a little rest, Slicker, and you'll be your old self.
I am my old self!
Now listen, fellas! You'd better stay away from me.
See, I told you before!
Now, you guys... Now listen, you...
He shouldn't have done that.
I demand to see your commanding officer! I insist!
In your skivvies, chum? In nobody else's skivvies!
Now, look, Slicker, you... And that's another thing!
Tell him that Lieutenant Stirling demands an interview.
Who? Me!
Well, make up your mind! Now, look, if...
Skip it! Now, look, Slicker, you can't go in.
Commander! Commander. Yes, I...
I... (STAMMERS)
I'm about to make the understatement of the year!
You, Donevan, are out of uniform!
Yeah, I realize that, sir, but...
No shirt, no pants, and brown socks!
Donevan, is that their color or their condition?
Well, you see, there's been a mistake, sir.
As a matter of fact, you're making a mistake. I am not who you think I am.
What was that?
Well, I am who you think I am not.
That is, I used to be Lieutenant Stirling.
That is, I am him, he. Who?
He who I am. And not Slicker, that is.
Poor boy.
I wrote your sister, but even then I never realized how bad it was.
May we have a word with you, sir?
Now, now, don't listen to them, sir! Don't listen to them!
That's just a case of mistaken identity.
I just look like somebody. Somebody apparently. But I can explain.
(INAUDIBLE)
(SHIP HORN HOOTING)
My boy, what did you say your name was?
Lieutenant Peter Stirling. United States Army.
Army? Yes, sir. I just flew in.
You just flew in? Yes. I came to buy a mule.
A mule?
Yeah. Well, I guess you're wondering what I'd want with a mule.
Oh, no! No, no, I... (CHUCKLES)
Well, that... That's another story, sir.
A rather incredible one,
but I can explain if I could just see you for a few minutes in privacy.
Yes, of course! Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.
(CRASHING) (SHOUTING)
Poor Slicker!
Well, it finally happened, sir. He went off his rocker.
But Navy, all Navy.
Slicker, when you gold-brick, you do it in spades.
Now, let's get something straight, Miss Standish.
I am not Slicker Donevan. I did not get myself
slapped in to psycho to see you or any other girl.
And I did not kiss you behind your mess hall.
Oh, what a fib. And you told me you were crazy about me.
You told me I was beautiful.
What are you doing?
Well, the doctor told me to take your pulse.
You can't get a true reading this way. Now, Miss Standish.
True-schmoo. As long as it's high.
Good morning, Standish. And how is our patient?
Dreamy. Oh, he'll snap to pretty soon.
She was taking my pulse.
I thought so.
Suppose we have a talk about your childhood, young man.
Well, I'll save you some time, Doctor.
I did not hate my mother. I had a very happy childhood.
My father did not sell my dog.
This statue does not represent my alter ego.
I did not take out my frustrations on it.
It just happens to be a bust of Napoleon,
and I thought it was expected of me.
You shouldn't force these things, Donevan.
I'd rather you just follow your natural feelings. Let yourself go.
I would be very happy to if you'd give me a pair of pants to go in.
And if you went, who would you go as?
I mean, who do you think is the real you?
I've told you a hundred times!
I am Lieutenant Peter Stirling. Serial number 0397124.
My papers were stolen and I'm on a 30-day leave!
Mmm-hmm.
Donevan, you mentioned somebody whom you claim
can substantiate your schizophrenic...
I mean, your other self.
I...
Forget it. I've changed my mind. Why?
Because you would just think that I'm crazier than I am.
I mean, than you think I am. Not necessarily.
Oh, now believe me, Doctor,
I've been admitted to some of the best psychiatric wards here and abroad
on this little item. What little item?
Francis. Francis? Who is Francis?
Francis is a mule. He is a talking mule. And he talks to me.
And when he talks to me, even in his silliest moments,
he makes more sense than you do.
HOPPER: Appleby.
See that he's comfortable, will you?
I am going to confer with the Commander.
Hi, baby doll.
No! Baby doll.
Why, honey, what's the matter? Aren't you feelin' good?
Appleby, how would you feel if everybody thought you were crazy?
Do I seem crazy to you?
Mmm-hmm. Real crazy.
Look, now, Appleby, I told you before that you are not the only girl in my life.
I mean, that every girl is not the only girl in my life.
I mean, I didn't kiss you at the movies.
Well, honey, somebody did, like this.
Now, I refuse to accept these attentions under false pretenses.
Now, look, I'm Lieutenant Peter Stirling.
Serial number 031972...
Serial number 03971...
Honey, who counts?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Honey, I'll see you at lunch time.
She was taking my pulse. Some pulse.
Yeah, well, did you get the information, Miss Kittredge?
Oh, I sure did, sweetie! But first...
Well, Slicker!
That's not the way you kissed me at the party Saturday night.
That must've been some party.
Now, now, then, what did you find out?
Just as you thought. They are working with a mule.
What kind of work?
Well, they're using the large displacement amplitude oscillator
to test the stability of animals in transport.
Well, how do they do that?
Take one mule and shake well.
(CLATTERING)
Shut it off!
Sir?
Get that thing out of here! Yes, sir.
It's been two days now and we still haven't been able to get that reading!
That stupid jackass just won't stop jiggling!
You know that sometimes I think it does it intentionally?
It acts perfectly fine when you take it off the oscilla...
The oscillator.
FRANCIS: All right, Skipper. Let's start the shakedown cruise.
Heave-ho!
Shut this off!
Do something! Don't stand there! Shut it off!
Do you hear what I say?
Who, may I ask, threw that switch?
Not I, sir.
Well, I assure you, I didn't do it. Well, somebody threw...
No. No, it couldn't have. And yet...
Oh, no, Doctor. You're losing your grip.
We'll continue this tomorrow, Doctor.
Yes, Doctor. It'll be much better tomorrow.
This way, Doctor. No. Oh, no.
Francis! Well, whatta you know! It's the boy idiot!
FRANCIS: Come in the office.
Well, you can't imagine what happened to me.
Yes, I can. They put you in psycho.
Yes! They think I'm crazy! Well?
"Well?"
Are you waitin' for my opinion? Well, certainly.
I mean, you gotta do somethin'!
Yeah, that's using the old head.
Now, why don't try using the new one?
Pete, that's a joke.
Look, will you stop joking with me? I'm in a terrible situation!
What do you think I'm in?
They've launched me on a career in this man's navy.
Cold weather survival! Seasick tests! The works!
Well, I told you it's not my fault.
They keep insisting I'm somebody else!
Why don't you quit while you're winning?
You mean you're not gonna help me?
Oh, I guess I'll have to.
'Cause you can't help me when you're stuck in a hospital ward.
You bet I can't. Now, how do I get out? Well, let's see.
I gather by the scuttlebutt,
they think you're Slicker Donevan, bosun mate, huh?
Precisely!
Of course you keep insisting that you ain't,
well, they think you've slipped your trolley, uh?
Exactly! Now, what're we gonna do about it?
Francis predicts!
All you have to do is admit you're Slicker Donevan and presto!
You're out of the hospital!
(CHUCKLES) Francis, you've done it again!
I'll say!
Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm out of the hospital and into the Navy.
Oh, we'll worry about that when we get there, yeah?
I'm worried about it right now.
Oh, Pete! Do as I say!
Admit you're Slicker Donevan and act normal!
Come here. What?
One thing worries me.
How do we get you to act normal, huh?
(LAUGHS)
(MIMICKING)
Thirteen. That's unlucky.
Okay, Slicker. Hey, Donevan!
Hmm?
At ease.
I want to take this opportunity, Donevan,
to welcome you back to your unit.
Well, thank you, sir!
I must, in all honesty, say that your rapid recovery
has left doubt in some minds as to your actual condition.
In fact, it has been suggested that you might have been gold-bricking.
Oh, no, sir! Not a bit, sir!
Of course, in our unit, we know that you're Navy, all Navy.
However, in deference to other opinions, I feel compelled to warn you.
We've a high standard to maintain, Donevan,
so don't get out of line again, sailor.
If you do, I'll throw the book at you! Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
But if I may discuss this... Dismissed.
Old Hutch read you the riot act, huh? Yep.
Well, don't let it get you down, kid.
It's all over now and you're out of trouble.
Yep.
MAN ON PA: Now hear this! All LCVP crews...
Hey, that's us. Come on.
Man your boats for beaching drill!
Beaching drill?
Come on!
Slicker!
Hey! Whatta you know? Betsy.
Who? Oh, her.
Oh, Slicker! I'm so glad you're okay again!
Hi, Murph. Hi, cookie. What're you doin' here?
Didn't you tell him?
I had myself transferred to the base hospital.
Someone has to keep an eye on him.
Be careful, darling. All right, driver. Don't forget, be careful.
MAN ON PA: Now hear this. Bye.
Now hear this. All LCVP crews man your boats for beaching drill.
Hey, Slicker, let's knock on it.
Why, I didn't notice before. She's lovely.
Yeah, she's a dish.
Oh, she's got everything. Even rank.
And the way she kissed me.
Yeah, it should happen to me. Come on.
Betsy. What a beautiful name.
Let's go!
Slicker, we've got a boat drill. Huh?
You can see your sister later.
Oh, fine.
My sister?
Donevan, get in your dungarees and shove off.
My sister?
Did you hear me? Oh, yes, sir.
I'm depending on you to bring your boat in on the button!
Yes, sir! Bring my boat in on the button!
Yes, sir! Bring my... My boat...
Bring my boat?
MAN: Lower all boats to the rail!
What's the matter, Slicker? Don't you feel good? Let's go.
(MOTOR STARTS) Hey, cut it, Slicker! Not yet!
Watch out!
Hey, Slicker. We're goin' the wrong way.
Slicker, hard right!
Slicker! The beach! Turn her around!
They're gonna swamp us!
Great balls of fire!
He's coming in backwards!
Hold it, Donevan! Steady!
Don't drop the ramp!
Slicker! Slicker, are you all right?
Oh, I guess I'm still in the Navy.
And old Hutch is proud of you. Proud of me?
They found the steering cables were all twisted.
How you ever brought that boat in at all is amazing.
A miracle of seamanship.
And there's only one fellow in the whole outfit
who could've brought her to the beach.
Who? Slicker Donevan.
Oh, him. I assure you it was just an accident.
Well, it could've been a tragedy. We were all worried sick.
And believe me, Donevan, they weren't just worried about your health.
What does he mean? What does he mean?
Well, we all pooled our money and bet on the fight!
The fight?
You're gonna be the new base welter-weight champ
or we're gonna be flat busted.
And how. We've bet a bundle!
We're gonna be rich!
Everything we own is ridin' on you, Slicker.
(CHUCKLES)
The fight? Prize fight?
(STAMMERS) You can't! I mean, I can't!
You said yourself I've been sick!
I've been sick. Believe me now.
I'm not the man that you think I am.
You'll lose all your money! You might even lose me!
Slicker's right. Yeah!
We gotta take care of him until the fight's over. And we start right now.
It's nap time for you, matey. You've had a rough day.
Yeah, but I'm out of condition!
You'll have to relax. Relax.
I've got a glass jaw! It's not even good glass!
We have the utmost confidence in you. Now get some rest.
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Just gotta get out of here. I gotta...
I should never have sold my barbells.
Hmm, so he's got muscles and he's a war hero,
and the girls are wild about him.
He's still crazy and I'd rather be me.
Maybe I'm crazy.
How?
[S]FRANCIS: (SINGING) [S] Blow the man down
(VOCALIZING)
[IS] Give me some time to blow.
Better oil up the old pipes.
(HUMMING)
(VOCALIZING)
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
I'd kick about these Navy cocktails if I didn't think they'd kick back.
(BLEATING)
"Baa" yourself, you seagoin' floor mop!
(BLEATS)
Eeny-meeny-miney-moe.
All right, Moe it's your turn.
(SLURPING)
Psst! Psst!
Wow! Pipe the foul weather gear!
They happen to be dress blues.
Look foul on you. Mmm.
Why, you actually sound like you're enjoying yourself in the Navy.
Enjoyin' myself, cousin?
I've never eaten better in my life.
And did you know that after exposure to bad weather,
all the hands get an extra ration of brandy?
Hey? Hey. Huh!
Well, I'm the one that's out there being exposed
while you're in here feathering your nest
without even a thought of what's happening to me!
Well, I've had all I can take!
You poor, poor boy!
Few days in the Navy and they break his spirit.
It's not a question of spirit. It's against regulation.
I'm Army.
(BLEATING)
I don't care what you say! I could be court-martialed!
Relax, chum. I've got the word.
There's a joint Army-Navy operation cornin' up next week.
What about it?
Well, that's how I got in. Remember?
Maybe that's how we'll get out. Yeah?
Some of the Army brass will be here
and you can make your pitch directly to them.
Yeah, but that's next week.
In the meantime, I have to fight the base boxing champ.
Ooh, my aching solar plexus!
Well, I'm not gonna go through with it.
I'm getting out of here!
And when I'm out, I'll see that you get out, too.
Thanks.
Now, is there any more poop from the poop deck?
Uh... And stop that Navy talk.
Remember you're an Army mule. Never forget it!
(BLEATING)
It's past your bedtime, Slicker.
Yah, pal. Don't you know you're in training?
What's the matter, Slicker? Aren't you feeling well?
You were talkin' to somebody.
I was? Yeah.
Who? Who were you talkin' to?
Well, I was talking... I was talking to the mascot.
ALL: Mascot? What mascot?
Well, you can't go into a fight without a mascot.
Well, can you? Well, I don't know.
Fellas, fellas! He wants a mascot.
So let's have a mascot. Sure.
Come on, Uncle Wiggly. (GOAT BLEATS)
Oh, not the goat. The mule. ALL: The mule?
Yes, the mule!
FRANCIS: Go ahead, sailor. Tie it real tight.
Gee, you you've got four horseshoes on already. Isn't that enough?
You're, gonna need all the luck you call get tonight.
Take my advice now, Pete. When you get in there, stay in real close to him, huh?
Well, what do you mean? Tie up his arms?
Well, it wouldn't look right to tie up his legs.
Thank goodness, I've been able to take care of that department for you!
How? I put dance wax in the rosin.
What's rosin? Oh, that's so your shoes won't slip.
I figured Bull Bostwick's footwork could use some real smoothin' out!
Whose side are you on? Oh, Pete! Wax...
Slicker! Come on! Get ready! It's time.
Yeah. Come on. Let's get this over with and pick up our winnings.
I'm afraid all you're gonna pick up is me.
Aw, you're in great shape.
You may have lost a little weight, that's all.
Yeah, come on. You, too, flannel ears.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(WHISTLING)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Slicker, boy! This is it, Murph.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
You better sit down.
Be careful, Slicker. This baby's had four straight knockouts.
Remember that. Yeah, remember that.
If I forget, I'm sure he'll remind me.
Now, boys, you know the rules, so give me a nice clean fight.
Shake hands and come out fighting at the bell. Good luck.
(BELL DINGS)
Let's go, Slicker.
Come on, Slicker.
Mmm-hmm.
Come on, Slicker.
Three, four,
five, six,
seven, eight, nine... (BELL DINGS)
What's the matter?
No wonder you were slipping.
Try to nail him in the next round.
I'll try. He's going by me awfully fast.
Gotta do something about that.
(BELL DINGS)
(CROWD SHOUTING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Don't let him hit you like that! Oh!
(BELL DINGS)
Awful short. You said it.
Why'd you hit the bell? What's wrong?
I tell you I didn't hit the bell.
Somebody hit the bell.
He's gonna need more help.
I think you better stay away from him until you get your wind back.
Yeah, stay away from him. Stay away from him.
You're doing great, Slicker! Just great!
We'll get him, Slicker.
Next round, next round.
Wait till next round. Atta boy!
TIMEKEEPER: Gee, fellows.
Thanks a lot.
Where's my hammer?
My hammer!
(BELL DINGS)
Oh, my mistake.
Stop running!
He took me literally!
Hey, you.
One, two,
three, four,
five, six, seven...
ALL: Get up!
Eight, nine, 10...
(MUMBLING)
Stay away, hit him.
(GRUNTS)
Come on, Slicker. Snap out of it.
Yeah, but it's all my fault you guys lost all your money.
What's money? When you take a beating, we take a beating.
We're shipmates, aren't we?
Besides we can borrow from Tate.
He probably bet on Bull Bostwick.
I'm afraid I wasn't that bright.
You mean you bet on Slicker?
Well, we're shipmates, aren't we?
See?
Yeah, I see what you mean.
Main...
(FRANCIS'S TEETH CLATTERING)
Tain.
Course...
And speed.
Now hold it, Francis, I'm a little rusty. You're sending too fast.
Ch...
Oh, I'll never get the hang of this stuff.
Where's that Navy spirit?
A minute ago, you were all chocked up about your buddies.
Shipmates to the end!
Well, they're a great bunch of guys. Uh-huh.
Funny, after what happened, they still think I'm great, too.
Yeah.
Well, wait till they find out you can't tell a binnacle from a barnacle.
Well, that's just it.
Our outfit has a reputation to live up to.
Our? Our outfit? I mean theirs.
They deserve to know the truth before I louse them up again.
Well, they're stuck with you, that is, until the Army gets here.
And Just so that you don't foul up the Navy beyond repair,
let's hit that Bluejacket Manual again, huh?
All right, sir. Now, what's a nautical mile? Hmm?
A nautical mile is, uh, is 2,000 yards. Mmm-hmm.
Or a minute of latitude measured along a meridian of longitude.
Mmm-hmm.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Shh. Hey.
Hey, what're you doin' here?
We been lookin' all over for you.
Yeah, all liberties have been canceled.
Big deal cornin' up. Lots of scuttlebutt,
but no one seems to know what it's all about.
Well, it's a landing exercise up the coast, joint Army and Navy.
We're in for a rough week.
How come you know all that? Yeah, what gives?
Yeah, well, Francis told me.
Who's she? Francis?
Yeah, yeah... Well, Francis... I've...
Oh, skip it. Skip it.
Yes, I...
Well, I tried to tell you fellows before
that things just aren't what they seem.
That I'm not who I'm supposed to be,
but I will be next week, and then you'll know.
But until then, I want you to know that I'll try to
live up to the standards of our...
I mean, your crew,
and I know how important this is to you.
Well, even though I'm an Army officer, I...
I want you to know that I think the Navy's great, too.
And well, you've...
And that's all.
Did you hear what he said?
It doesn't make sense. He's not in his right mind.
JONESY: He's crazy.
Even in his right mind, he's crazy.
HUTCH: We are about to start intensive training for Operation Sandlot.
This supersedes all previous orders.
For the next three days, all hand will engage
in practice drills, both morning and afternoon.
The boat crews will be scored on the point system,
as designed by BuShips.
Navy, all Navy!
[S](SINGING) [S] La cucaracha, la cucaracha
[S] Ya no puede caminar.
[S]Porque no tiene [S] Porque la falta.
[S] Hey! Hooray!
(STOMPS)
(FRANCIS HUMMING)
Betsy! Betsy, I'm sorry I'm late. I...
FRANCIS: Betsy? Who's Betsy?
Well, Betsy's Slicker's sister.
I asked her to meet me here so you could, uh...
So you could look her over.
Oh, I can hardly wait.
Hey, Pete. What?
Flip the switch on that Mixmaster.
Ah, feel pretty good.
Gotta get in shape for that big "Operation Sandlot" tomorrow.
Don't tell me you want to go along.
Now what's wrong with a nice little ocean voyage, huh?
Well, I was thinking... Oh?
Maybe I'd delay presenting my case to the Army brass until after the operation.
Now, ain't you just kinda changing your tune?
Huh?
Oh, yeah I guess you're right. Yeah.
That's silly. Mmm-hmm.
I'd better get out of the Navy while I can. Hmm.
Yeah, but when Betsy gets here, you've gotta help me convince her who I am.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Shh. Hi.
Slicker Donevan. It's you!
Oh, my achin' back! There can't be two of you.
Well, Mr. Donevan, perhaps you can explain your actions?
Now, don't make a big thing of it, I'm back.
You look just fine. Everything's gonna be just dandy,
I am not fine, and everything is not gonna be just dandy!
Now, simmer down, Lieutenant. Take it easy.
I shall do nothing of the sort. I have no intention of...
Shh!
That's better.
Give him time. He'll calm down.
You know him?
Know him? Nursed him through the Army for years!
Now, see here, sailor! Don't try to minimize what you've done!
You've committed a crime against the Navy and the Army!
And you're gonna be punished.
Eager beaver, huh? He can't help it.
It's his character.
(SCOFFS) You bet it is! You bet it is!
I...
Why... (STAMMERS)
You're talking to Francis!
To a mule!
So I'm talkin' to a mule.
(STAMMERING) Yeah, but aren't you amazed?
I mean, everybody knows that mules don't talk!
Well, apparently this one does.
Yeah, well... Well, I know this one does.
But why should you believe it?
You believe it, don't you?
Well, yes but I've been in and out of psycho wards so many times, I...
(CHUCKLES) Well, who hasn't?
Well, I know, but...
Well, that doesn't change anything!
What you did was a terrible, despicable...
I know.
And I'm willing to take my medicine.
You bet you are. Ha! You are?
Well, certainly!
They can't run a Navy with men busting regulations all over the place.
You're a fine one to say that!
And I'll say more!
Not only am I here to apologize to you,
but I'm also giving you the privilege of turning me in.
Thirty years in the brig should make me mend my ways.
Thirty years?
Well, what you did wasn't that bad.
Why, it was despicable!
I inconvenienced an officer of the United States Army.
Bread and water's too good for me.
Well, Lieutenant, I'm your prisoner.
Shall we shove off?
Well?
Well, all right, but...
Well, all right!
See you when I get out, Francis. Hmm.
Gee, you're a mighty intelligent-lookin' mule.
Hold on there! Come back here!
Come here, Pete.
Well? I'm ashamed of you.
Ashamed of me? Well, what did I...
He's the one!
Doin' this to a fine young man, a war hero.
I'm sorry, but regulations are regulations! Aw.
You're gonna see that he gets the book?
You bet I am.
Why, he perpetrated a... A harmless fling.
That's all it was.
If you want to be a good guy, you could just scram now
and nobody'd be the wiser.
Go? After what he did?
Who did it hurt?
So you learned a little about the Navy.
A little? I can do anything he can do.
You can scram now, Lieutenant.
But what about him?
Oh, the bosun's mate?
(CHUCKLES) We'll get along just dandy.
Uh, come here, mate. Hmm.
Okay. That's okay with me.
That's okay with me.
SLICKER: Oh, uh, Lieutenant.
This is for your officer's pack at the bus depot.
Slicker, I'm sorry I'm late... Hi, sis.
Uh, there are two of you!
That's right. One of me and one of him.
Now that's what I've been tryin' to tell you!
(WHISTLES) Hey... You must be Betsy, huh?
Well... Who said that?
I did. Me.
But you're a mule. That's right.
I've got some news for you. Hey, you're plenty cute.
Oh! Oh... Hold on, sis.
Betsy.
Uh, Betsy, say something. She'll be all right.
We'll take care of her. Get lost, Lieutenant.
Hey? What're you... Wait a minute! What is it?
PETER: Let me out of here.
Take your hands off me! Leave me alone!
Okay, Slicker. Hit the deck.
(WHISTLING)
Keep your meter running! I'm not staying long!
Oh, no! Come on.
Oh, no! Not again! Yep again.
He's all yours.
I don't get it, Murph. I just saw him.
Lieutenant Anders assigned him to secure the sea bags.
Slicker, how do you do it so fast?
Organization.
No... Git! Git!
You don't want to just stand out here in your skivvies, do you?
No... Git! Git!
No... Git!
Now stay with it.
Try and remember. You've got a job to do. And so do we.
We can't be watching you all the time.
MURPH: Let's go.
Hi! What's new?
Interesting development.
Hmm, fascinating.
I should have given myself up.
Then what's stopping you? You mean you'd let me?
Hah! I'm urging you.
And where do you think you're going?
I'm gonna spill the beans to old Hutch.
That's the least I can do to make up for the trouble
I've caused a swell guy like you.
Say goodbye to good old Francis.
I'm sure some day he'll understand why we're doing it this way.
Uh, Slicker!
You don't have to. I'll make another try at breaking out.
Francis would never forgive me if I didn't.
Oh, sure, he would! He thinks you're tops.
Why, he said so when you left.
He did? Yeah!
That's why I want to settle this thing right now.
Uh, wait a second.
Your sister would hate me!
Well, if you feel like you just want to up and go,
you'd better get some clothes on.
Try dark glasses this time.
Now get dressed.
Hurry up!
Duck!
(MIRROR SHATTERS)
At ease, Donevan. What happened?
(STUTTERS) I broke a mirror, sir.
Seven years. Well, get that gear secured.
The trucks are waiting. Yes, sir.
HUTCH: Lieutenant Anders, see that Donevan gets that gear loaded.
ANDERS: Yes, sir.
Well, what do we do now?
We? It's your turn this time.
Donevan! BOTH: Yes, sir!
This is no time for primping!
Yes, sir!
Let's get a move on, Donevan.
Now get this gear outta here.
I'll send some men in to help you.
Yes, sir.
(WHISTLES) Hey.
Now's your chance. Get outta here!
Hey! You're out of uniform! Your shirt!
Those bags right there.
What are you doing over there? Hmm?
Oh, well, I... (STAMMERS) Good evening, sir.
Give a hand here. Yes, sir.
Oh. Here, let me help you.
Okay.
Slicker, are you there? Yeah, I'm here.
Hey! Slicker, wake up, will ya?
Wake up, we we've got a job to do. I...
Oh, my goodness!
Betsy. What am I doin' here? What happened?
Shh! Slicker, you've had a bad fall, but everything's all right.
Then why am I wrapped up like a mummy?
I registered you as Lieutenant Peter Stirling, automobile casualty,
until after the operation.
Oh. What operation?
Operation Sandlot.
Holy cats! Where's my uniform?
Get me out of this wrapper! Slicker, it's too late.
Peter's already taken your place!
But why?
If he does anything to foul up that operation, we'll both be court-martialed!
Why did he do it?
Because you would have been court-martialed if he didn't!
Now the least you can do is cooperate.
Until he gets back, you're Lieutenant Peter Stirling!
He hasn't got a chance. He'll be murdered!
HUTCH: Assault boats in successive waves will land troops
to establish a defense perimeter for the supply waves to follow.
Before the supply waves, however,
a Duck will be dispatched to the beach,
manned by Donevan and the crew.
On the Duck will be radio equipment to be used
by the Beach master to coordinate the whole operation
for landing supplies,
I cannot overstress the importance of this assignment, Donevan.
Getting your boat to the right spot on the beach
before the supply waves come in
is the key to the whole operation.
(MOTOR WHIRRING)
Are you sure we're on course, Slicker?
Course and speed unchanged.
If the tide is running through, we should hit the beach in exactly...
Nineteen minutes.
Hey! I think I hear surf.
Yeah! I feel a ground swell!
The beach must be dead ahead.
Precisely.
On the button.
Great work, Slicker! You did it again!
See anybody? I don't even hear anybody.
It is rather quiet.
It's a peculiar quiet.
The troops must be here.
Unless they hit the wrong beach.
Yeah. Or unless we...
Oh, no. We couldn't have.
You sure?
Why, it's impossible. I checked the compass every foot of the way.
Could the compass have gone haywire?
Not unless there was some foreign piece of metal In the boat.
But I checked it thoroughly.
JONESY: What's that?
What's the matter? It's a horseshoe.
A horseshoe? A horseshoe?
Yeah. For luck.
Any sign of the troops that way?
None. How about you?
I wonder where we are.
PETER: I saw them! I saw them!
Hey, I saw them from up there!
They're 10 miles down the beach around that bluff!
MURPH: No wonder we couldn't see the task force.
The last wave of troops are just starting their run!
We can still make it before the supplies come in!
Well, what are we waiting for?
Hold it.
Look. At six knots,
it'll take us two hours to get around that big hunk of rock.
Wait a minute!
This baby travels 45 miles an hour, on land.
Then what are we waiting for? Let's hit the road!
Oh, no!
(HORNS BLARING)
It we don't get there in half an hour, we'd better not get there at all.
How does it look, Jonesy?
I can't see.
I'd better go forward and take a sighting.
We're fouled up!
Side road...
Off starboard!
(CAR HORN BLARING)
Get ahead of that car!
Hey, we're losin' Jonesy! Pull over!
I can't!
Don't worry about me.
Keep goin'.
Navy. All Navy.
What's that?
Why, it looks like a mule, sir.
I know It's a mule! But what's it doing in an assault wave?
Well, I don't know, sir.
But the Navy's always coming up with something new.
Well, even the Navy wouldn't develop an amphibious mule!
Signal the control ship! Request information!
Yes, sir.
A mule?
Your Duck is nowhere in sight, Commander.
It's got to be. It was sent in with time to spare.
What's this?
A mule landed with the assault troops?
Do you know anything about this, Commander?
It... It had a priority number, sir.
A mule? In an amphibious operation?
We'll certainly want a report on this, Commander, will we not?
Yes, sir.
And, as for your missing Duck... It must be there.
Indeed it must, before the first supply wave hits the beach.
My top coxswain's in that boat, sir.
He doesn't know the meaning of failure.
Hurry up, Slicker. We're losin' time.
I can see the ocean here, but I can't find where we are.
Maybe we better use a sextant.
Maybe we ought to ask somebody.
Hi, there, sailor!
Uh, you're not allowed up here, sonny.
I wanna join the Navy!
You're too young for the Navy.
I'll be six next Wednesday.
Yeah, well, then, come back Wednesday.
I'm havin' a party! Then come back Thursday!
I can't! I'm havin' a piano lesson.
Look, why don't you get lost like we are?
Oh, uh, excuse me, sir! Maybe you can help us!
Maybe. Where's the ocean?
Which ocean? The Pacific.
Which part?
Well, any part. The outer edge will do.
Which part? What's the matter with you? You stupid?
Well, I ain't lost!
Hey, you. You'll have to get this vehicle off the street.
PETER: Yeah, we're trying to, sir.
What is this, a recruiting stunt?
Oh, no, sir. It's no stunt.
We're looking for the ocean.
Oh, a wise guy, huh? Well, I don't like wise guys.
Now get moving. Yes, sir.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Hey!
Hey, hold on there! Just what do you think you're doin'?
Shove off! I'll take care of everything!
Come on, get down from there, will ya?
Hey, come back here!
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(ENGINE MISFIRING)
Tally-ho! Yoo-hoo!
Hey, sailor!
Francis! Who else?
Gee, am I ever glad to see you? Yeah.
Wanna sell a Duck?
What happened to your crew?
Huh? Oh, they're overboard.
And the motor conked out.
Ever thought of calling the automobile club? I'm not a member.
That's not very funny.
Has it occurred to you that you might be out of gas?
Gas”?
Oh, gosh, that's it.
I'm so stupid I could kill myself!
Stop wastin' time.
Get a hold of some rope. Yeah.
Rope? We gotta get this to a gas station,
or would you rather wait until civilization reaches us?
You mean pull it? Why not?
We're a team, right? Right.
A mule and a jackass, right?
Right.
Takes one to know one.
Any sign of your Duck, Commander?
This is Just the first supply wave, sir.
We haven't reached the beach yet.
The duck will be there ahead of us, I hope.
(STRAINED GRUNTS)
Pete, take this junk off me, will you? (EXHALES)
Hey, fill her up.
Hey, I just happened to think. Oh?
I don't have any money.
No loot? Oh, my aching back.
Yeah, but what are we gonna do?
Well, don't look at me. I left my wallet in my other suit.
Oh, gee! I... Well...
Hey! Hold it, mister! Uh, hold it!
Say, what is this? War surplus?
Not yet, but it will be and so will I, if I don't get to the beach fast.
Look, could you trust me for five gallons? No trust.
Cash on the line. Yeah, but this is very important.
Absolutely no! Yeah, but if you... I have a...
Look you're blocking my pumps.
Now get this contraption outta here
and take that stupid-lookin' animal with you!
FRANCIS: Hmm?
You shouldn't have said that.
Oh, no? Well, I'll say it again.
That lop-eared overgrown muskrat hauled you in here,
and he can haul you out of here. FRANCIS: Mmm-hmm.
All right, sir, but you're not being very patriotic.
ATTENDANT: Oh!
Get a bucket!
Kid, we struck oil.
Get another bucket!
What'll I do with it? (WHISPERS) Empty it.
Empty it? Where? Where?
Empty it in the gas tank, stupid.
Uh, in the gas tank? Oh. Hurry.
Get another bucket!
Hurry up, get another bucket!
Got a match?
The beach! We've made it.
Watch it, boy! Boy, Pete!
Throw out the anchor!
I'm too young to die! Hey!
I'll get us out of this.
Pete, nail this booby-trap down.
Yeah. Okay.
FRANCIS: On the double, boy!
Just a minute, Francis.
(STRAINING)
Somebody call me a cab!
Oh!
Just be calm, Francis. Just be calm.
Now he tells me.
Hey, wait!
Here we go! Geronimo!
Francis, hold it! Hold it, Francis!
FRANCIS: Geronimo! Wait! Wait!
FRANCIS: Spread out, kids!
Oh, look out there! Look out!
PETER: Stop it! Stop it! Stop this thing, will you?
Francis!
Stop it! Stop it!
Heck no! I like it!
(FRANCIS LAUGHS)
PETER: Hey!
Now I've seen everything.
FRANCIS: Well, they'll probably check my driver's license.
I'm not gonna ask how it happened nor why, Commander.
I couldn't explain it if you did, sir.
Obviously, it's bigger than both of us.
Yes, sir.
Francis, are you all right?
(SCOFFS)
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know how it happened, Donevan,
nor why, but well done!
Thank you, sir.
You got a great outfit there, son.
Stay with it. Don't worry, Francis.
I'm a sea-going traveler from now on. (CHUCKLES)
Well, so long, mate. So long, mate.
Oh, uh, take care of Peter, huh.
Looks like your sister's, taking charge of him right now, yeah.
Bye.
Well, let's go, Betsy.
I wonder if we'll ever see him again.
(CHUCKLES) Maybe.
(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)
Slicker!
Francis! Yeah?
Well, just don't stand there. Throw me a line.
I would if I could think of one.