Hello?
Hello!
♪ Since I'll never, ever, Ever get to be the king ♪
♪ Next to the king, The next best thing ♪
♪ Next to the king, Next to the king ♪
♪ Next to the king Is the next best thing ♪
♪ Oh they paw me And they tease me ♪
♪ They pinch me And they squeeze me ♪
♪ And I love it, Oh yes, I love it all ♪
♪ Yes, we paw him And we tease him ♪
- ♪ And we spank his... ♪ - Ow!
♪ ...Little bottom And he loves it ♪
♪ There's a princess In Cordoba ♪
♪ Who says her blood is pure ♪
♪ But spectrographic analysis Has left me not quite sure ♪
♪ If this baby And that baby ♪
♪ Were switched While in the cradle ♪
♪ And so the real princess Has been living in the stable ♪
♪ There could have been Just such a switch ♪
♪ And now I really don't know Which is which ♪
♪ Which is which
♪ Now I... don't know ♪
Can we stop?
Your girl's way up ahead, Bren,
don't you want to catch up?
I'm about to pass out.
No you're not, just keep putting
one foot in front of the other.
What, do you want me to fall?
No, I don't. I want you to pump the old ticker,
boom, boom, boom.
Doesn't Denise get on you about that?
- No. - -Ellen may have been a bitch
but at least you could keep up with her.
This one, she'll either cure you or kill you.
I'm cured.
Yeah, catch your breath.
- Just gimme a sec. - We'll wait up for you.
Sing to the trees.
Which, which, which, which, which, which,
which, which, which, which.
- Which which which... - Okay,
while nobody's looking.
Wait, where is he?
He's taking a break.
- He doesn't like being alone, go get him. - For a minute?
Yeah. "The last one in line gets picked off" he said.
He was joking.
He was serious. That's how Brendan is serious.
Tra la la, very serious.
Yes, tra la la.
He keeps singing for the next four days,
I'm gonna kill a rattlesnake and shake the rattle
outside of his tent in the middle of the night.
This trip will be over in one day.
Which is which, which is which.
I never know really which way is which...
- which is which. - Shh.
Hark, hark, our scout approacheth.
What news have she, oh scout?
It's beautiful, and there's only one other tent.
Just like you said, like Timbuktu.
Timbuktu?
Timbuktu!
Andbuk-you.
♪ Timbuktu's the land where The sky is always sunny ♪
♪ The grass is always green And the water tastes funny ♪
♪ Tra la la la la, Tra la la la la la ♪
♪ Tra la la la la la la ♪
Shit.
Maybe, maybe, it could be, maybe, maybe, possibly.
Hello, how are you?
How can I? How could you?
I staked a claim.
Right by the water, huh?
It's gorgeous.
Could get windy.
I don't know where you're gonna stake your fly and...
and the sun will come up right over there in the morning.
What about our neighbor? He's right by the water.
You know, that's the perfect spot,
the cove on the east side.
Wind comes out of the east.
We're on the west side.
Let's move the tarp.
♪ No miles shall separate us
♪ Our hearts will beat as one ♪
♪ Though princesses Shall woo him ♪
♪ Them he will have none For his heart will be... ♪
It's like wrestling an octopus, huh?
That's the fly, not the tent.
We got this, John. Thank you.
So the tent goes first?
We'll figure it out.
You can suffocate if you put that on wrong.
What?
Thank you, John.
Hey John, we need water.
I'm helping with the tent.
Oh, I'll help Denise. You boys go pump.
You're joking. Tell me you're joking.
You saw the sign at the trailhead.
There's a fire ring, so obviously people...
- Excuse me. - People shouldn't be making fires.
Well what, are the cops gonna jump out of the bushes?
I brought stuff for s'mores, and if we don't grill...
will you slow down?
Sorry.
You move through this stuff so easily.
Years of bushwhacking.
Native Americans moved through the forest like the wind,
touching nothing, leaving no trace.
What tribe are you, John?
Animals, even big ones like elk, move silently.
We could be surrounded by a herd of bloodthirsty elk
- right now. - Aren't they vegetarians?
This is rough country. These are Northwest elk.
Even the chipmunks are bloodthirsty.
And the trees?
Late at night they reach out with their limbs...
Will you stop it?
Should I sing?
Where's the stream?
Listen.
Oh my God, that looks good.
Wait, you gotta pump it.
- Give me the pump. - Not here, it's too shallow.
You need a deep pool so you can get your tube in...
and then it's gotta be running and not standing still.
Of course, then you'll also want a dry place
to sit while you pump.
What about right here?
Mm, not feeling it.
You know what I'm feeling, John?
I'm feeling thirst.
You know, I'm parched. I mean,
our camp's the other way, the water's right here.
I'm not a camel.
I like pumping water. It's like meditation.
When you find the right spot and the sun's...
Let's go around.
Our neighbor.
Hello.
Fancy meeting you at the old watering hole.
Hello.
I'm sorry. We'll give you some space.
I've been all up and down this stream.
This is the spot.
- I always wanted to go camping. - Really?
You know the Earth Channel, with the waves and the clouds?
I always put that on the TV at the gym.
Wow.
Is that where you met Brendan?
Uh-huh, I was subbing for his regular trainer.
He was puffing like a train
and he saw me laughing and he went "toot, toot."
Oh God.
Then he asked me to dinner.
When Brendan and I dated, you know,
I always had to buy him dinner.
We'd meet at Zippy's and eat french fries
while we ran lines.
For Marmaduke Murgatroyd?
Uh-huh.
Has he played you the tape?
♪ To Timbuktu we go, A flock of tiny tits ♪
♪ Together we are one, But we're really lots of bits ♪
- Boreal. - Gay.
Black Himalay.
Oh God, you know the whole thing.
Brendan likes to put it on when we make dinner.
He doesn't. You haven't killed him yet?
It's cute.
He dances around, he acts out all the parts.
I never had a guy that likes to dance before.
Huh?
Canada to Mexico?
- I mean, that's gotta be... - 2,650 miles.
You've done this, John? The PCT?
- No. - 1600 down, 1050 to go.
Then I shave and rejoin the workforce.
- Where is that? - Design Logic,
Silicon Valley.
And you've done these epic hikes before?
Sure. Appalachian Trail, Inca Trail,
Grand Canyon, Alaska.
Alaska? And you weren't eaten by bears?
I know how to handle 'em.
I bet you do.
I...
I love the skirt.
Oh, thank you,
much less chafing than pants.
You know, I think I should take this look
back to New York.
A little lumberjack, a little drag queen.
Brendan.
Sorry, he thinks he's funny.
You think it would sell?
I think you would rule the runway.
Here.
That's it!
Oh yeah, now that's it, that's it.
Oh yeah, now work it.
That's it, now work that turn.
Magnificent.
May I ask you a favor?
John says you have the perfect campsite.
I said it's the best one on the lake.
I remember hearing the word "perfect."
Anyway, we're having an issue with tent placement,
and I was wondering with your vast experience,
if you could advise us.
I don't think we have any issues.
Well, he could meet the ladies.
They could talk fashion.
I wouldn't mind a chance to talk. It's been a while.
Excellent, and you could tell us all about Alaska.
I mean, what do people do there?
- Is there theater? - I don't know.
Do they have a symphony orchestra?
- I think so. - I mean, did you kill a bear?
- How many bears did you kill? - A lot.
How many beers
- did you drink? - So many.
You know he stage managed and acted that show.
Uh-huh.
He'd pull up the curtain and run on stage
and they'd cook up some reason, you know.
"Lord Barnabas was always returning
from foreign lands."
What happened after the play?
Well, I don't know.
We started thinking about colleges, went our separate ways.
It was just a high school thing.
I know, I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
Sure, I know you didn't.
And I'm very glad he met you.
Now whip him into shape.
No, I like his belly.
He needs it.
I love the way it shakes when he laughs,
the way it floats in the hot tub,
the way I sink into him when we...
You... um, teach spinning at the gym?
I teach everything: spinning, yoga, weights, cardio.
Oh look, the boys caught something.
Lanie and Denise, meet Jason.
We've already met at a distance.
Hello, Denise.
He was on a mountain top.
Doing my Isadora Duncan thing.
Who's that?
She's a dancer.
You've seen her dance?
Jason's here to vet our camp.
And to practice talking.
Oh, how long has it been?
I mean, I say hi to people every day on the trail,
but a real conversation? A long time.
Story of my life. I mean, who really talks to anyone?
Oh, thanks dear.
Now, what is this about our campsite?
Yes. What is this, Brendan?
I just wanted to know if our tents were properly placed.
Oh, uh...
Well, they're on the ground.
That's good. Umm...
I like to be close to the shore myself.
What about the wind and the sunrise?
What wind?
And the sun won't come over that hill 'til at least 10:30.
Yeah, what wind, John?
It could start.
Oh.
You just had us move it for no reason at all.
Weather changes.
You know what, we're... we're putting it back.
No, no, you're putting it back.
Oh, am I?
- Yeah, cause you... - Hey, leave it.
Leave it, leave it.
Go put your sleeping bags down by the shore.
When it gets dark tonight,
you can lie there and look at the stars,
and you listen to the wind and the water,
and you hug each other, and you slowly pass out.
Then you wake up freezing at three in the morning
and you crawl in your tent, and trust me,
it doesn't matter where it is.
Well, I should get back to my camp.
It was a pleasure to meet you up close.
You too. Stop by if you need anything.
A cup of sugar? A piano?
It's good to have neighbors.
- You know, he went to Alaska. - Bye.
- And he went to Machu Picchu. - Really? Where?
I'm way less freaked out by him now.
Over 1,600 miles.
And we've gone?
Three.
I wonder what his feet look like.
I wonder what he wears under that skirt.
I say we ask him to dinner.
Don't bother him.
Oh, come on. Just because you're antisocial doesn't mean everybody is.
He's out here for a reason.
Ten zillion people hike this trail every year.
It's a party,
people are hooking up, they're smoking pot.
Look at that camp, Brendan.
He's got a tarp covering a huge pile of wood.
That guy's not through hiking, he's living here.
A hobo.
A hobo sexual?
He's a squatter.
Nonsense, I bet he's gone before we wake up tomorrow.
And all that will remain is the echo
of his skirt flapping in the breeze.
Who were you, skirted hiker?
- Maybe he's... - Scottish.
Aye, a kilted hiker hiking the Highlands
from Edinburgh to Loch Ness, playing his bagpipes.
♪ What have ye
♪ Underneath that kilt, Me lad? ♪
♪ Are you hiding a shillelagh Down there? ♪
♪ Oh, that fabric ain't flat, Me lad ♪
♪ Are you happy To see me, dear? ♪
Oh, that's... that's disgusting.
Well, hello there.
Well, don't you want to see what's under my kilt?
Have you ever been skinny dipping?
- No. - Oh, come on.
It's the best part of camping.
Is it cold?
Just dive in, that way you don't feel it.
Can you go in a little deeper, John?
Woo!
Oh, it's...
We're going for a hike.
Oh, I guess not.
It was absolutely freezing. Did you... did you touch it?
I don't care, Bren.
We probably shouldn't go too far.
I mean, we won't get lost.
The trail is quite clear, but...
It is.
- Where are you going? - Come on.
Wow.
Trees.
Where's the trail?
I don't know.
We're lost in the woods.
Totally.
No phone, no radio,
just you and me, like Adam and Eve.
Madam, I'm Adam.
It's a palindrome.
Spell it backward.
Oh, you're freezing!
God, you're beautiful.
Yeah?
Let's get in the tent.
No, get the camera.
Ooh.
How's this?
♪ When a fairy waves His wand at you ♪
♪ You're in for a surprise ♪
♪ When you become a rat, A snake, a swarm Of tsetse flies ♪
♪ This fairy stuff is pretty Dim, I don't believe a thing ♪
♪ That wand of yours Is just like straw ♪
♪ Take off those silly wings ♪
All right, which way is the trail?
Down the hill, silly.
We walked up the trail when we left it,
and we haven't crossed it since.
We haven't?
For someone who's never been camping,
you're awfully sure of yourself.
Awfully? I'm awful?
With an awfully good sense of direction.
♪ A swarm of tsetse flies Da da da da da da... ♪
There you two are.
I thought you got eaten by a bear.
Don't do the bear thing.
Last time, in the middle of the night,
he hid in the bushes and he growled.
I was taking a shit. It only sounded like growling.
Cheese and cracker?
Thank you. So there aren't any bears?
Well, there's one every hundred miles.
The most annoying ones hang out in parking lots,
but they're not out here.
Water's boiling: coffee, tea, hot chocolate?
What I need is a tin mug full of Merlot.
- For the first night. - Ha ha ha.
You know you're gonna have to carry that bottle
for the next three days.
Oh, boohoo-hoo-hoo.
- I'll carry it for a night. - Me too.
And we won't break it, so don't say it.
We could have put it in plastic.
Oh God, please strike him with lightning.
- What are we gonna eat with this? - -Mm.
You choose.
This is astronaut food.
No water weight. It's very efficient.
This is a Chateau Dubois. It deserves a thick steak.
You didn't.
Don't be silly,
I wouldn't carry all that water weight.
Son of a...
It was at the bottom.
Espionage.
Well, Bren was carrying the wine.
I was, too.
And I was carrying your bow tie.
Tally ho.
Ooh.
He must think we're crazy.
I wonder what he's cooking.
You know he knows we're watching, right?
Hmm, I don't think he's a vegetarian.
- Boo! - Help, help,
I'm under dressed.
We have come to kidnap you and feed you wine and steak.
- Bring a cup. - And your harmonica.
You guys have a tie for me?
Oh, the guest of honor doesn't need to be dressed up.
Here, take... take my cummerbund.
Thank you.
Come on, come on, march, go, come on.
Thank you.
I haven't seen meat in two weeks.
You're not gonna fry 'em, are you?
Well, yeah, I was thinking about it.
Steak? You gotta grill 'em.
You've got a grill?
Just make one from tent stakes.
You wrap foil around the ends and put 'em between two rocks.
Don't have any foil.
Really? Hmm, let's see, um,
iodine pills, poncho, snake bite kit, ah.
Mm.
- Go get wood. - Woohoo.
Come forage for faggots, young Marmaduke.
That we may build a nest for the tits.
Let's pull some tent stakes.
I know where there's some good firewood.
- You got the grill, right? - S'mores,
we're going to have s'mores.
S'mores, we're gonna have s'mores.
Yeah, I got the grill.
Tits and s'mores!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You were never on the ship.
Oh, of course I was, for the sacrifice.
I remember the ribbons tickling my toes.
You didn't have the flames,
I had the flames.
There's a stand of spruce up here that's dry.
A lot of this stuff's wet, won't burn so good.
It was in the scene in the blacksmith.
- On the ship. - No, no,
I vividly remember the ribbons tickling me
as I pounded the horseshoe.
No, no, no, no. The pirates were going to burn me.
They wouldn't burn down the ship.
Oh, realism. Is that what you claim?
- Yes. - What are
you guys talking about?
The fire!
Brendan thinks everything was in his scene.
I was in a lot of scenes.
In the crowd, jumping up and down.
She told me to stay active.
Active. Oh, is that what you call this?
I did not jump like that.
Let's give them a moment.
You were like, "Monkey, ooh ooh ah ah."
No, I did not. I was a character.
I did research. I was six different characters.
I can tell you every which one and how I walked.
- Lord Barnabas... - I walked like this
- when I'm Lord Barnabas. - the monkey, the lion.
I walk like this when I was...
You sure they're not brother and sister?
Looks like it, huh?
They dated back in high school.
And they were both in Marmaduke Murgatroyd
and the Fairy Pirates of Bratvakistan.
Marmaduke Murgatroyd and the Fairy...
Pirates of Bratvakistan,
an imaginary Gilbert and Sullivan musical
their drama teacher wrote.
And it was so funny and so fun.
And here, let me sing you some.
That's all right.
So, they're still friends.
And when I told Brendan I'd never been camping before...
You've never been camping?
Before Brendan, I'd never done anything.
Never been to the opera or Broadway.
You've been to the ballet.
You move like you have.
I'm an aerobics instructor.
Is that how you met Brendan?
Mm-hmm.
He's been teaching me about Isadora Duncan,
people like that, shining me up.
You look shiny to me.
Lanie, she's shiny.
How do you like camping?
It's beautiful. I love it.
I was telling John and Brendan that
I start a new job in a few weeks.
The truth is I start a new job every few weeks.
I save up a little money, then I hit the trail.
Live out here?
I move every once in a while,
follow the weather.
Don't you ever get lonely?
Sometimes.
Don't tell your friends, all right?
It's embarrassing.
You were leaping around like an organ grinder's monkey.
You might as well have been holding
one of those little cups.
Oh, all this from the queen of shriek.
The leading lady.
Oh, the only reason Ms. Hagen cast you
is 'cause she knows if she didn't,
you'd slit your wrists.
She loved my voice.
Oh no, she didn't.
- Oh yes she... - She told me everything.
- Monkey. - Oh!
Shrieker.
Peon.
- Diva. - Oh!
Slimy little stage rat who wishes
he could be an actor...
Looks good.
It's gonna taste good.
Give me some of the small stuff.
I wanna see how he lights this.
Anyone else would pour gas on it, but not John. No, that would be cheating.
We could start a fire that way.
Really, I think he should just rub two sticks together.
Actually, the Native Americans would wrap a bow string
around a stick and spin it. It's very difficult.
Maybe if you light the bark.
Maybe if you suck instead of blow.
Maybe if you people take a walk.
Yeah, ladies, why don't you just "take a walk"?
Thank you, Lanie, for inviting me...
Us. It's so beautiful.
Huh. Glad you're having fun.
When Brendan told me you moved, I didn't know why,
but now I see.
Well, uh, I can see he's very happy with you.
Is he?
Mm-hmm, I can tell.
How? What's his happy look?
You can't read Brendan from his face.
You can't read me from my face either.
We're theater people. We're always wearing a mask.
I read Brendan through his voice.
This is angry Brendan.
This is bored Brendan.
Hmm.
This is sad Brendan.
But this is Brendan with you!
And I haven't heard him this happy since high school.
You're the new me.
God damn it.
I'll get some gas.
♪ You'll transform from a man Into something from a zoo ♪
♪ When a fairy waves His terrible ♪
♪ Magical wand at you ♪
That sounded awful.
No it didn't.
Well, I meant I sounded awful.
No, you sounded like Gilbert and Sullivan on a harmonica.
Yes, that's the melody.
I liked it.
What about your artistic opinion, John?
I think we should hang the food.
Oh, how very diplomatic.
How do we sound?
John's got a point.
Hanging food in the dark's no fun.
Thank you.
I'll give you a hand.
Okay, fairy boys.
Did she really call me the Queen of Shriek?
- She did. - Mm-hmm.
♪ When a fairy waves his wand ♪
♪ When a fairy waves his wand, Poof ♪
Please have mercy.
Don't I sound good?
It's a classic. It's so much fun.
I've been listening to Marmaduke Murgatroyd for 16 years.
You don't find yourself singing it?
The day that happens.
What?
How about this one?
You think you can get the rope up there?
Oh, I can get it up.
You've done this before.
Yep.
♪ Bratvaki is a language Invented by the king ♪
♪ Ding dong, ding ding dong ♪
♪ Some German and some Polish With an Oriental ring ♪
♪ Ding dong, ding ding dong ♪
Wait, no, no, no, it's "ding, dong, ding ding, dong."
That's what I said.
- No, you said... - Shh.
Do you hear that?
John, stop that!
Sorry.
Man, that wasn't funny the first time.
Well, where is the...
I've always wanted to do that.
His idea, his idea.
- You, you rat. - Guys, help me.
Oh yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Good work, women, good work.
He earned it.
Uncle? Huh, uncle?
All right, all right,
uncle, uncle, uncle.
Ah.
Fire's dying.
Is there any wine left?
Alas, no.
Next time, more wine.
I guess I won't throw another log on the fire.
I do have a bit of hooch.
- Ooh. - It's mostly for
- medicinal purposes. - What flavor?
Oh, it's pure grain alcohol. No water weight.
Oh, don't waste it.
- Ah. - It burns.
All right.
- Woo. - We'll add some jungle juice.
I don't usually mix alcohol and sports drinks,
but we're not driving tonight.
Why don't you mix them?
Sports drinks are designed to enter your system
very quickly to rehydrate you. If you spike them,
the alcohol hits you faster too.
Wait.
Do you know any ghost stories, Jason?
- No, but I do know some drinking games. - -Mm!
- Like what? - You guys know Bartender?
We go around adding drinks to the order,
only one of each kind. If you forget the order,
you take a drink.
I'll start.
Bartender, I'll have a scotch and soda.
Bartender, I'll have a scotch and soda and a Rusty Nail.
I'll have a scotch and soda,
and a Rusty Nail, and a cosmopolitan.
Ooh!
And a beer.
And a glass of wine.
And a sidecar.
And a Black Russian.
And a White Russian.
And a Mai Tai.
And a Black Russian, and a White Russian,
and a Mai Tai, and... I don't recall.
Drink!
I don't know cocktails.
- All right. - Yeah, right.
Whoa.
Oh Jesus, okay.
What other games do you know?
All right, oh, this one's called circus.
Oh!
How do you do that?
Very impressive.
Aw!
Oh boy, we just played circus.
That was crazy.
All right, now we play deadpan.
You guys have a pen and paper?
Uhh...
Huh.
I have fluffy bunnies in my underwear.
Drink!
Okay.
I love to tinkle when I winkle
and my poo poo calls me da-da.
Drink!
I can't, oh God.
Dingle dongle.
Tough muff.
Krakatoa, spermatoza, undergo a feather boa.
Drink, we all drink, we all drink.
We all drink! 'Cause she said spermatoza.
How do you say it?
- Spermatozoa. - Spermatozoa.
Well, I've never said it before.
- It's spelled T-O-Z... - I can read.
Atoza, Spinoza, Mendoza, Gyoza.
On the nose-a,
a-woes-a, a-goza, yoza, moza,
aboza, a-teeza, a-weeza, in the woods-a.
Ooh, with some hooch-a-no-sa.
Most likely to get poison ivy?
Me?
We don't have it out here.
It's gotta be someone back East.
Poison Iva, Godiva, I drinka, I thinka.
A most likely to piss in the shower.
Drink.
Thanks a lot.
I said "likely," I wasn't accusing you.
Most likely to get lost in the woods.
Most likely to get lost in Midtown Manhattan, ha.
Most likely to eat two desserts-a.
Most likely to get plastic surgery. I said likely.
Most likely to leave his keys at a restaurant
and be too embarrassed to go back to look for them.
Most likely...
- To put ice in their wine. - Wear a girdle.
To bother Meryl Streep so much at a restaurant
that she has to... they have to be escorted back to their table.
Most likely to leave his spouse
at a party and not tell her.
Most likely to be dancing on the table at the party.
- It's my turn. - Most likely
to not come home until the next day.
Most likely to sleep on a bench.
- Oh, I'll drink two. - Ah, drink.
This is fun, Jason. You got any more games?
I'm going to bed.
Oh, come on, Denise, there's still hooch in that cup.
Hey... hey, you can finish ours.
Wait, one more, one more.
I only know one more game and it only works
- if lots of people play. - One more.
Hello.
This game's called paranoia.
The person on your right whispers a question,
you say "who here is the answer?"
If people wanna know the question,
they have to take a drink.
Then you whisper the question to them.
However, the person named can't find out.
Sound like fun?
You've played this before?
Sure, bunch of times.
I bet you never played with someone twice.
You start.
Jason.
Okay, who here wants to know what Denise thinks about me?
I do.
Oh, definitely.
Definitely what?
Ah ah ah, not for your ears.
All right, now Denise whispers to John.
Ha. Lanie.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
I'll pay for that one.
I don't care, so I'll skip the drink.
She does?
I thought it was natural.
All right, now John, whisper to me.
Who wears the most makeup?
Brendan.
Brendan?
- I'll pay for that. - Me too.
Who here gets a heart attack?
That's sick.
I thought it was funny.
Who would taste the best for dinner?
Okay, my turn.
Who here hates Gilbert and Sullivan?
That thing, definitely.
I don't wanna play anymore.
Neither do I.
I do.
What did he say?
That's a secret.
What did you say?
Can't tell you, it's against the rules.
Cha! This game's over.
Thank you all for the best meal I've had in weeks.
I hope you have a great trip.
Good night.
Can you find your way home?
Sure, I can see in the dark.
Uh, goodnight, Jason.
Who's the first millionaire?
This isn't a game show.
Who gets a divorce?
Who walks off a cliff?
I wish you were that clumsy.
It was nothing, wasn't it?
Go to sleep.
You just want a secret with your new audience.
You're drunk.
Nice show you put on for him.
You can send him the pictures I took.
That was for you, darling.
- Was it? - Mm-hmm, yes.
Prove it.
Look, I don't want to right now.
You never really do.
Let's try to sleep.
Not a chance.
Yeah, fighting is fun for, like, a second.
We all got way too drunk.
Jesus, that stuff was strong.
I don't feel drunk at all.
Well, you are.
I wanna go home.
I thought you loved it here.
The trees, the mountains.
- And you love it, too? - I do.
I love watching you in it.
Wouldn't you rather be watching Marmaduke Murgatroyd.
♪ His pedigree shows In his brief resume ♪
♪ For all experienced noblemen Say ♪
♪ Their job's to be Underemployed ♪
- Don't sing that. - Oh, I can't sing it.
I'm not allowed.
Stay here.
But your heart is in Swampwhistle, beloved Marmaduke,
tarry not in Bratvakistan.
- Where'd he go? - What?
Brendan.
Oh.
Now, when we were in high school...
we never...
I was gay then.
When did you find out you weren't?
Later.
Did you ever want to... with me?
Yes.
Well, I am so sorry.
- It's all right. - It's not.
- Yes. - Oh, Bren, I'm sorry.
- I'm so sorry. - Where's John?
- He... - Does he have a flashlight?
He doesn't need one. He can see in the dark.
Jesus.
John.
John!
Get some rest.
How is she?
Upset.
Maybe you should stay with her.
Maybe you should.
- All right. - No.
Let her sleep.
She's drunk too, right?
John is in the woods.
You wanna go look for him?
He'll be okay.
You guys sure are friends.
Maybe you're right. Maybe we should head back tomorrow.
We could get a room at the beach.
No, we're hiking all the way.
Hike, hike, hike,
with our packs on, even on down days.
Because when I was a mile ahead of you guys this morning,
I was having a really good time.
Couldn't sleep?
Huh.
Yeah, me neither.
Wanna take a hike?
Yeah, sure.
It thins out around 5,000 feet.
You can see the line cutting across the hill there.
First the deciduous, then the fir.
Then all we have are these shrubs.
You ever hike Glacier?
In Montana? Sure.
Did the Highline Trail over to Grinnell.
That's always been on my list.
How about Yellowstone? Joshua Tree, Yosemite?
- Those too. - That's a long list.
When we moved out west,
I thought I'd be backcountry all the time.
Then work piled up
and Lanie really only puts up with it for me.
- There's an owl. - Where?
That shadow circling the trees.
Hear it?
Looks like a postcard.
"Hello from nowhere."
Have you ever spent a long time trying to get something...
then get it, and realize you don't really want it?
Sometimes I think I married it.
You rationalize, you tell yourself you like your life,
but you don't.
You're just living in service of a dream
that didn't pan out.
What was her name?
Design Logic.
Where you work?
I started her 12 years ago.
Sold her last September for $15 million.
So I'm not really leaving the woods.
You don't have to either if you don't want to.
We could do Glacier, Denali, New Zealand. My treat.
That's very generous.
You'd be surprised how hard it is to find good company.
No one's ever called me that.
You've been hanging out with the wrong people.
Jason, I'm gonna kick myself in the ass
for the rest of my life, but I can't.
Sure you can. We'll leave tonight when they're sleeping,
we can get you new gear in the next town.
You got the wrong idea.
Lanie and I are...
we don't always fight.
Really?
You seem pretty well practiced.
It's fun for her.
Like flirting? That's fun too.
She doesn't flirt. She's just theatrical.
Ah, and you like that?
I just can't leave it.
You sure she won't leave you?
Theater people aren't like me and you, John.
- I know. - They need that light
on them all the time,
that feeling of being special, above the crowd.
And you took Lanie away from all that
to the woods, to nowhere.
Now the only light she's got on her is guys like me.
Let's head back.
To what?
Why are you up here with me, John,
not warm in your tent humping like a bunny?
Why'd I get that little show this afternoon?
I told you.
Cut your losses. Walk away now.
I can't, so just stop asking.
You can, John. You don't know what you can do.
I can't. I just can't.
Then you are pathetic and you deserve it.
All her shit you'll deserve,
all the free shows for younger men.
You don't know her.
"Why does he put up with it?" people will wonder.
"Does he have a pair?"
You know what I whispered to Lanie?
"Most likely to sleep alone tonight."
She's probably just waiting for you to pass...
- No! - Whoa!
Shit!
John!
John.
John!
I'll get a flashlight.
We're coming, John!
Wait, slow down.
Denise.
They...
Oh, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah. I tripped.
I found Jason.
He says John's hurt.
We hiked up to the peak, then on the way back, I...
What?
I don't know.
Come on!
Here.
Oh.
I'm fine.
I think I broke my leg.
You walked off a cliff, you dummy.
- If I can lean on you, - Here.
I think I can make it back to camp.
In the morning, I'll hike to the ranger station
and get us some help.
I'll go now. It's only three miles.
You shouldn't go at night.
I can see, and I can't sleep.
Wait.
Denise!
- She's always running off. - Huh.
Go after her.
I can't catch her.
You're not gonna try?
Cougars hunt at night.
Shit.
Can you go?
You don't want her?
All right.
Why can't Denise sleep?
I don't know.
Do you think they'll be all right?
There's like one cougar every hundred miles.
- Help me up. - Are you sure?
- Ah! - You should just...
Argh, wait, yes.
Argh!
Ow!
Damn, you're fast.
I wouldn't have tripped if you hadn't been chasing me.
You shouldn't be out here alone.
Why not?
The big, bad wolf could steal your picnic basket.
I don't have a picnic basket.
Oh, I'm too late.
Got you.
- Finally got my wish. - What's that?
A walk without the talk.
If I knew that was so important to you,
I would've shut up.
- Hey, you wanna take a break? - No, keep going.
I think we're close to the lake.
Oh God, yeah it's way too far.
Uck! Oh!
Let's stop here.
No, I can.
God.
Whoo! Whoa.
I'm gonna get Jason's sleeping bag.
Don't touch his stuff.
- You're shivering. - No, I'm not.
Thanks.
I weigh 170 pounds.
- So? - I was barely
leaning on Lanie.
You're stronger than you look.
I'll make a blanket.
God it's heavy.
Put it back.
What is this?
These are all different people.
This one's a Jason, Design Logic.
Doesn't even look like him.
He must be a thief.
No, no he's...
let me see.
Denise, he's with Denise.
She'll be fine.
You don't want her?
That's the last thing he said when...
Oh God.
No, he wouldn't hurt her.
Are you sure? Why would he say that?
- Why would he say that? - I don't know.
I just don't think he's violent.
You're not a woman.
I brought her on this trip.
Brendan. Brendan!
- No, no, don't! Put that down. - Just in case.
- Leave it. - I'll keep it in my pocket.
Denise!
Shit.
He won't need it.
Do you know he won't?
No.
Okay, what happened up there?
You don't fall, not even drunk.
You wanna move back to New York?
You are drunk.
I'll move back if you want to. You can act.
Is that what you did, talk about New York?
I want you to have a career.
What did he say to you?
It leaps on the deer's back
and she takes off with the cat on top of her.
She's running left and right, trying to shake him,
but she can't 'cause he's got his claws
just dug in so hard.
And he climbs up her side, and he's just about to bite her
in the neck when suddenly this buck comes charging up
and spears him in the side with his antlers.
Man, I have never seen a cat leap so high in my life.
It roars and just takes off into the woods.
Like watching the Earth Channel.
You must see all kind of things out here.
Mostly it's like this, but once every hundred miles, bam.
Bam.
All around the world?
He said we'd go to Canada,
Alaska, New Zealand.
And... why did you say no?
Why?
- Yeah. - Is it so dark
you can't see why?
Can't you see how I'm looking at you right now?
Lanie, if I never touch you again, I'll stay with you.
I'm your number-one fan.
Oh my God.
You're as beautiful to me now
as you were the first moment I saw you.
Hmm,
when was that?
Hmm?
When did you first see me?
The burlesque, when we met.
I don't think you talked to me for, like, weeks.
- Yeah, I was so busy. - You were just that guy
up in the rafters.
You know, you don't have to go back to New York.
You can stay here with me.
We can hike the PCT, go to Canada.
- I can't. - You can, just like that.
Let's just have tonight.
I want you every night.
If you leave, you'll want me, too.
I will.
So keep me.
You should be free.
Free? That's a nice way to put it.
- I just meant... - You just meant
I should be single, alone.
- No. - You have your fling
and head back to New York while I'm left here.
You belong here, I don't.
And where do you belong? At the opera?
At the ballet? Arm candy for that clown?
Is that the life for you?
- We should go. - Me and all this,
we're just a quickie, a call of nature.
Jason, let go.
You think he actually loves you?
Stop talking.
Why do you think he's not here?
- Stop it. - He sent me.
He said, "I don't want her."
I said stop it.
- Denise? - Brendan!
Get away from her.
That's my gun.
Back away.
I was wrong. He does want you.
Stop.
Stop!
Jason, don't.
I'm attacking you, Brendan...
very slowly.
Jesus.
You know too much. I have to kill you now.
I'm getting closer, a few more steps.
Don't, he didn't hurt me.
Then why were you yelling?
Yes, Denise, why don't you explain that to your boyfriend?
No, don't. I don't care.
I was so busy rewiring the place,
I never even looked down.
Two weeks of rehearsal, I was ripping out
all that old copper, and stringing up lights.
Well, when did you look down?
Opening night.
- Hmm. - I was up on the catwalk.
You came out in that Salome costume.
The bikini with the veils.
Uh-huh.
Why'd you let me take you?
I was making $50 bucks a night. That's not even 10 bucks a veil.
So I'm a meal ticket?
Uh-huh.
Well, and a house ticket, and a clothes ticket,
and a jewelry ticket.
I guess I get all sorts of stuff.
And what do I get?
What do you want?
The head of John the Baptist.
Salome.
Mm-hmm, are you happy to see me down there?
Nice.
Oh, we... we were cold.
You don't really look cold now.
We'll put everything back and forget about it.
It's a little late for that.
Sit. Next to them.
So who are you, Jason?
You're not really Jason.
Oh, you don't like my Jason?
I thought I was pretty convincing.
How about...
oh,
Dan O'Malley, general contractor from Denver.
I'm getting married in September.
No? Okay.
How about...
oh, here we go.
Chad Wilcox. I lost 23 pounds hiking. The jerky diet.
My name is Don Jacobs, Warren Applebee, Ace Freebird,
Duke Grisham, Anthony, Anthony, not Tony, Anthony,
Dave Trumbull. After... After the election, I just...
We don't wanna know who you are. We never saw you.
John, you not only saw me,
you picked me up and brought me home. You all did.
We were just being friendly.
How about you and me share that sleeping bag
from here to Canada, Lanie?
I got a camera. I'll take your picture.
How about you, Brendan?
Lots of singing by the campfire.
No, thank you.
Yeah, none of you.
It was all just talk.
He asked you?
- That's why you said... - And you ask me who I am?
Who are you?
You all know your names, but you don't know who you are.
Well, I know who I am.
I am the trees.
I am the wind.
I am the sun.
And the rain, and I am here where I belong!
You all don't know where you belong.
- Then we'll leave. - Mm-hmm.
Mm, you four lied to me.
You led me on, you wasted my time,
my hope, my friendship, my life!
What do you want?
I want...
Marmaduke Murgatroyd!
♪ His pedigree shows In his brief resume ♪
♪ For all experienced nobleman Say ♪
♪ My job's to be Underemployed ♪
♪ I rise every day At the crack of noon ♪
♪ My maid puffs out My pantaloons ♪
♪ I dine on crumpets And fresh figs, mwah ♪
♪ While the coiffurist Powders my wig ♪
Is that it?
- That's it. - Uh-huh.
What else, what other numbers?
There's, uh, "Together Apart."
And "The Next Best Thing."
♪ When I became a duke, As a very young man ♪
♪ Said I to myself, said I ♪
♪ There's better to be Had in Bratvakistan ♪
♪ Said I to myself, said I ♪
♪ This castle's not quite Large enough ♪
♪ The servants Don't go far enough ♪
♪ My sailors aren't quite Tar enough ♪
♪ Said I to myself, said I ♪
♪ I to myself, I to myself ♪
♪ I to myself, said I ♪
It's 10:30.
Morning, sleepy heads.
Oh, good morning.
You got the food bag down.
No, Jason did it.
He came by about an hour ago.
Gave me a hug, said goodbye.
Huh.
Where's Denise?
She went off to go get help at the ranger station.
Hopefully the cougars are sleeping.
Coffee?
Yes, please, thank you.
Mmm.
25 years of camping,
that's the first time I ever slept well in a tent.
Oh my God.
Brendan.
- Put that down. - Okay, I can...
Okay, just for a minute.
- I took his pack. - Are you okay?
Actually, I... I feel good.
God, you are beautiful.
Mmm.
Can I have a chip?
Uh, I can't find my wallet.
Eh. Just mail me a check. Happens all the time.
Jason, that sneak...
Huh?
I must have dropped it on the trail.
There you go.
♪ A duke of great renown Is Marmaduke Murgatroyd ♪
♪ His pedigree shows In his brief resume ♪
♪ For all experienced noblemen Say ♪
♪ My job's to be Underemployed ♪
- I love musicals. - It was such fun,
all of Gilbert and Sullivan rolled into one play.
Theater and hiking, hiking and theater,
they're like peanut butter and oatmeal:
unfamiliar together, yet surprisingly delicious.
You've been in the woods too long, Brendan.
Mmm!