Look, I know what you're feeling right now,
and it is totally normal.
I've been with tons of people just like you.
Your stomach's in a knot, your nerves are shot.
You can't believe you're about to walk through that door.
You don't believe you've got it in you.
Let me tell you something.
I know that you do.
Sorry, were... were you saying something?
Nothing. You ready?
- Let's do this. - Okay.
Everyone on your feet!
It is time to meet and greet the couple that can't be beat.
Please welcome Mr. and Mrs. David Tuckel!
Come on, everybody!
Let's send them off into their new world!
Whoo!
These pickles are terrible.
Here. Taste this.
Blech!
And they hardly give you any.
Look, I never said that the coolers worked.
I said they were hardly used.
No, I didn't lie.
They were hardly used because they didn't work.
I... hello? Hello?
They should've had your mother cater this, Morty.
Rose's pickles. Mm.
- To die for. - Yeah, I guess.
Morty, your mother's pickles are the best in Detroit.
The best anywhere.
Listen, uh, would you excuse me, ladies?
I'm feeling a little nauseous.
- Is it the food? - Uh, no.
Let's get funky!
Julie. Julie.
Hang on a sec.
- Hi, Dad. Great party. - Well, thank you.
And you know, that's just warm-up for your bat mitzvah.
I know. I can't wait.
Yeah, I'm pulling out all the stops.
I got some fresh dance concepts
and some new song ideas.
If I know you, you'll stop at nothing.
Dad, you don't care if I leave now, do you?
I thought we were gonna hang out today.
I mean, you promised me a dance.
I know, but you're working,
and Mom said I could leave early.
Oh, well. Mom is the queen of leaving things.
Okay, fine. I'll stay.
No, just go. What am I talking about?
- Just go. Have fun. - Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome.
But Wednesday, we go over your song list, okay?
'Cause your bat mitzvah has gotta rock.
For sure. Everyone's talking about it.
- I can't wait. - Deal?
- Deal. - Alright.
Go have fun.
- Oh my god. Jeez, sorry. - What the hell are you...
- Hey! Joey! - Uncle Morty!
- How you doin'? - You look great up there.
- How you doin'? - Can't complain.
Yeah, business is great.
- Wow. - Hey, come back inside. I'll get you a drink.
Uh, no, you know, if one more person tells me
how much they love my ma's pickles, I'm gonna lose it.
So, here, here. Take a card.
You need anything, you give me a call.
Joey.
We're about to start the hora.
Okay, on my way.
Hey, be careful.
Those horas can get pretty wild.
Only if they're good.
Huh?
Love that.
Alright, let's hora it up!
Alright, everybody!
It's time to give David and Debby
the traditional wedding chair dance.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Whoa!
Hey, you looked a little worried.
Don't. I've done this a thousand times. Ready?
Whoa!
Fire!
Okay, okay. I'm gonna have you a working fridge by Tuesday.
Alright, you know what you do?
You just put a little ice on top of the chickens.
It'll be fine.
Yeah, okay. Right.
Sorry, kid.
Look, what can I do for you?
Well...
remember when you said if I needed anything I should call?
It turns out I need something.
I said that?
Yeah, at the wedding.
Oh.
I don't remember.
But I say a lot of things.
So, I, you know...
so go ahead.
Alright.
Um...
So, um, there was a fire, and, um...
Wait a minute. There was a fire? And I missed it?
Damn it, I love fires. I love them.
I even set a couple myself,
but that's just between you and me, okay?
Right.
- Anyway, so... - Did anyone get hurt at this fire?
- No, no, but anyway... - You didn't set it, did you?
No, I didn't set it. Please, Morty, let me get this out.
Okay. Go ahead.
I just... I love fires. I just... I love them.
- Okay, go on. - I get it.
I lost all my stuff.
Everything. My equipment, okay?
All my gear, gone.
Wow, well, don't tell me you weren't insured.
I need 20 grand for new stuff.
The bank took my house.
I've maxed out all my credit cards.
My friends are broke. All of them.
Yeah, look, kid, I don't got that kinda dough right now.
I... I mean, I got it, you know, but it's not liquid.
But hey, you know, look.
Your ex is rich now. Why don't you ask her?
No, no, no, no. I would rather fill my ass with bees.
- No. - Yeah.
Sounds like me and your grandmother.
Yeah, what's with you two, anyway?
Oh, she's just a stubborn Polish woman, you know.
With her, it's her way or the highway.
It's the same thing with the pickle recipe.
I coulda made us a bundle selling it,
and then she came in,
she put the kibosh on it.
Ah, but those are great pickles.
Oh, yeah, I mean, I'd be rolling in thousands now.
Look, Julie's party is next month,
and I don't want to disappoint her.
Alright, kid. Let me think about it a while, okay?
How long's a while though?
- Like... - A while?
Oh. A while is, um... it's a while.
- Right, yeah. - It's a while.
- Cool. - Okay.
Hey, Joey!
Paris Jones, party emcee extraordinaire.
Uh, I never knew Hava Nagila could be so dangerous!
Just want to say thanks for all the new biz!
Keep those fires burning!
Hey, Mom.
Been a while, huh?
Hey, sorry I'm late, kid,
but I think I just saved your ass.
I'm a genius!
- Get in the car. - So why'd you wanna meet here?
- So no one'll overhear us. - It's starting to rain.
Hey.
- Alright, I'm listening. - Okay.
Your grandma is 85, right?
Uh, yeah, something like that.
Okay, she's not gonna live forever, right?
No, most people don't.
Okay, here's the plan.
So, I got a hold of Bernie Babcock.
He's a bigwig.
He's been trying to buy your grandmother's pickle recipe for years.
And he is loaded.
- And? - And...
I'm gonna give you the 20 grand out of my cut,
and it's done.
You don't even have to pay me back.
R-Really?
Alright.
Then sell it to him.
Well, uh, there's just one problem.
- I don't have it. - Oh.
Oh, well, go get it.
Well...
it's... it's a little complicated, you see?
Because, uh, Ma and I?
We don't talk.
Oh, I got it.
No worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want me to get it from her. I'll ask her for it.
Yeah, well, no, you can't ask her for it. She'll never give it to you.
No, she's at the deli all the time.
You gotta go there,
and you gotta somehow obtain it.
You know, you gotta, like, borrow it from her for a while.
Okay.
Morty, if she doesn't want to give it out,
it's her right. It's her recipe.
No, it's not just hers.
It belongs to me, too.
I mean, you know, it belongs to everybody.
Yeah, it just... it sounds like stealing.
I'm not gonna steal from my own grandmother.
Kid, the clock is ticking.
Do you want to be standing out there
and watch them put her into a hole
and then watch the pickle recipe
go into the hole with her?
Those pickles, they're just too damn good.
Do me a favor.
Think about it.
Oh, great.
Joey.
Good to see you, man.
- Harris. - Ah, come on!
Come here.
- So good to see you. - Okay, alright.
Yeah.
How ya doin'? What do ya think?
Yeah, it's alright.
Yeah? Let me ask you a question. Are you into Vettes?
They're alright.
How can you live in the Motor City
and not appreciate a car like this?
I mean, come on, the speed,
the craftsmanship.
The overcompensation.
Hey, honey?
Oh, it's the human flame.
Hi, Fran.
Heard you torched a country club.
It was a banquet hall, and it was not my fault.
Mmm! Joey Miller catchphrase.
What are you doing here?
Well, what do you mean? I'm picking up Julie.
We're going over her song list.
She didn't tell me.
You can't just swing by
whenever you have a minute between gigs.
Oh, wait, that's right. You don't have any gigs.
Look, we went over this last weekend, okay?
Is she here?
She's upstairs studying for her history final.
Actually, Joe, we're glad you stopped by.
I mean, we did want to talk to you about Julie's party.
Yeah, the bat"mitzvae" party.
Right, anyway, look it.
I have a line on some new equipment.
- I just gotta... - Don't worry about it.
- I got it all taken care of. - Harris.
Thank you! You got me new equipment?
No, we booked another guy to replace you.
Yeah, Paris something or other.
Paris Jones?
That is him!
- He is fantastic. - Mm-hmm.
No, no, no! I am doing the party.
With what? Charcoal?
Does Julie have a say in this?
Julie doesn't know yet, but I know you're broke,
behind on child support and out of a job.
Alright, people. Let's calm it down.
Check this out.
It's her present.
You bought my daughter a cell phone?
Oh, she's had one of those for years.
Look.
You bought my daughter a horse?
Not just a horse.
An Appaloosa.
Oh my... you bought her a horse?
- A horse? - You bought me a horse?
Oh my gosh!
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!
It's not just a horse.
It's an Appaloosa.
Appaloosa!
Thank you!
Alright, I'm coming.
I'm in.
You can't steal from your grandmother, you know?
Kinda what's hers is mine.
And you know, I'm probably in the will.
Hi, Grandma. Can I be the one to take your pickle recipe?
I know we haven't spoken in a while.
You're not stealing from your grandmother.
You're just taking something from her without her knowing.
And then that's stealing.
God, where is this place?
Table for one?
Oh, no, I'm just here to see Rose Glickman.
I'm sorry. You can't.
- Why not? - No one allowed to watch Rose when she make pickle.
It's okay. I'm her grandson.
You... you don't understand!
Yo! What are you? Hard of hearing?
The man just said nobody's allowed in the kitchen
when she's making the pickles.
Well, I'm not nobody.
I'm family.
Relax.
Bubbe!
Grandma!
No, no, no! It's me, Jo Jo!
Get out! Out!
- Grandma! That is cold! Cold! - Out! Out!
Out, out, out, out!
Bubbe!
- Told him. - Out, out!
Jesus!
Hey, genius, how'd that work out for you?
How ya doing, Grandma? You doing okay?
Yes, I'm doing fine.
Nice to see you. It's been a while.
That would have been nice.
Looks good.
How much?
I can't take a penny less than $50.
Here. Watch this.
Solid as a rock.
$45.
Well think about it.
Damn.
Morty's Appliance Mart.
Yeah, Morty, she hosed me, okay?
She hosed me with water,
then she threw a frying pan at my head.
She nearly killed me.
She declared jihad on my face.
Joey, Joey, calm down.
No, you calm down!
Okay? The deal is off.
Did she know it was you?
Yeah, of course she knew it was me.
I went in the kitchen,
I saw her making pickles,
and then she went nuts. She went crazy.
Well, that was your first mistake.
Ma never lets anyone watch her make the pickles.
She wouldn't care if you were the President.
You gotta go back, Joey.
I'm not going back, okay?
You go in that kitchen,
and wear riot gear.
No, forget about the kitchen.
You gotta try catching her at home.
I'm not gonna get shot at, too.
Don't worry. She never keeps her gun loaded.
She does have a gun?
It's just a small gun.
Oh ho, man.
Who's ringing my doorbell while I'm watching my wrestling?
Grandma, it's me, Joey.
You can't be my grandson.
My grandson would never visit me.
No, I... is that a taser?
I know a guy.
Lookit, Grandma, it is me, okay?
I'm... I'm Joseph. Doreen's boy.
Don't you dare sully my Doreen's name with your filthy lies.
I'm not lying. I'm Joey.
Prove it.
Pro... okay.
Okay, fine.
Uh, my name is Joseph Glickman Miller.
I, uh... I was born at Henry Ford Hospital, March 10th, 1980.
I, uh... I grew up in a beige house,
with aluminum siding at 9205 Parkside Lane.
Any schmuck with a computer could find that out.
I watch the Dateline.
Show me the splotch on your ass.
I'm sorry, what?
My grandson was born
with a giant splotch on his ass.
Show me!
You... you want me...
you want me to show you my mole?
You bet.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe I'm doing it.
Oh! Oh!
Oh my God.
Oh my God, Jo Jo.
You're my Jo Jo.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Well, it's the weirdest day of my life.
Come in, come in.
But, uh... pull up your pants!
They're up!
So... Joey.
How long has it been?
I don't know, but not that long.
Bullshit.
I hardly recognized you with... that beard.
And you're not being as heavy as you used to be.
Take it easy. I wasn't a blimp.
Oh, my.
So, how's my little Julie?
Too busy to visit an old lady?
No. Julie is gorgeous.
- There she is. - Oh my God.
Look at that face.
A real movie star, this one.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I'll bring her by next time it's my weekend.
Your weekend for what?
Oh, shoot.
Fran and I, we divorced about a year ago.
Oh my God, what did you do?
Nothing. It just didn't work out.
Did she cheat?
- No. - Did you cheat?
No.
So what... well, then what's to work out?
It just didn't.
In my day, when you had a fight,
you made up.
You get bored, you get a hobby.
You fight over money...
you go get more money.
Mmm. Actually makes sense.
It truly does. Oh my God!
That is good!
- You better believe it. - Mmm!
I used to watch my mother make them in the old country.
You stay right there. I'll go pack you some.
- Will you? - To take home.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Wow! - Eat more pickles.
Friggin' Fort Knox.
Oh. Here you are.
Yeah. I was just looking at some of your photos.
Oh, yeah.
- That's my mom, right? - Yeah.
My little Dory.
On a horse, for God's sake.
There's Morty.
Yes, that's him.
The one and only.
So... what's going on Joey?
Well...
I have been thinking about expanding my entertainment business
to include catering.
And I thought, "Why not learn from the best?"
Oh, me teach anyone?
No, I could never do that.
Besides, I'm too busy.
Well, then, I'll help.
I mean, I own my own business.
I can help you run the deli.
I can't afford to hire anybody just now.
So, I'll work for free.
Okay? Your wisdom will be my payment.
It's very hard work, Jo Jo.
It's not like standing on a stage,
making a fool of yourself.
Look, I will do whatever you say.
Well...
let me think about it.
You start tomorrow.
Really?
Grandma, thank you. Thank you.
Be at the deli at 5:00.
No prob... 5:00 a.m.?
I'm not running a nightclub, Jo Jo.
Yes, 5:00 a.m. in the morning
report to Andre and Hana...
as an assistant busboy.
I didn't realize there was a position lower than busboy.
Well, now there is,
and that's you.
Sorry, Ho.
- Okay, more. - You should have a company do this.
Oh, yeah, we do.
We do.
- Yeah. - I'm outta here.
Hey, come back here, assistant busboy.
I need you to bus table five right away.
Table five, got it.
Hey, new guy.
- Lady in the corner dropped her spoon. - Okay. Got it.
Oh, Jesus.
Who's breaking my dishes out here?
Grandma, I'm so sorry. It was an accident.
Oh, he thinks I'm made of money.
For God's sake!
Five dollars says he doesn't come back tomorrow.
Ten dollar, he not last the day.
I'll take that action.
Hana, you want a piece of this?
I think he might stick it out.
Hey, everybody.
I leave early. Nephew getting tonsil out.
Oh, hope he feels better.
Hi, Ho.
It's off from work you go.
- Snow White. - Yeah, you the tall dwarf.
Not sure that's an insult.
You no deli man.
Come on, man, I just started.
You never be deli man.
Well, thanks for the vote of confidence.
What'd you do to him?
Nothing.
Well, I mean, the bathroom door wasn't locked, and I...
and he...
so...
it was weird.
Oh, right. Here.
What's that?
I bet Andre and Young Ho that you would last the week
without quitting or getting yourself seriously injured,
and I won. That's your cut.
Hmm! Thank you.
I think.
Oh, hey, Andre.
How ya doin'?
You cost me money, punk.
You're making friends left and right around here.
Yeah, I don't get it.
I mean, I'm usually the life of the party.
I mean, strangers love me.
I can go into the most uptight room and win them over,
but you guys, you are a tough crowd.
They don't trust you yet.
Trust me with what?
Nuclear missiles?
- We're running a deli. - With Rose.
She's like our mother, and so we're a little protective.
You do realize that's like being protective
of a T-Rex that swears at you in Yiddish?
Huh?
Oh, you seem okay.
- I am okay. - Look, I'll talk to the guys
and tell them to give you a chance.
Oh, thank you. Honestly.
But if you do break that sweet woman's heart
like your Uncle Morty did,
we will kick your ass, drag you into the alley,
and leave your body for the raccoons.
Good to know.
But FYI,
you're really cute when you threaten a guy with woodland creatures.
Hey, busboy.
I need a ride.
Um, that's Assistant Busboy.
- Move it. - Gotta go.
Later.
Bye.
Slow down.
You're going too fast.
Grandma, the limit's 30. I'm doing 32.
That's speeding.
If the police make us pull over to the side,
the soup is gonna get cold
Fine, I'll do 30.
Can you make it 28?
Just to be safe.
Where we going anyway?
I'm gonna go see some very old friends...
who do not like cold soup.
Who's hungry?
Lots for everyone.
- Very fresh. - There ya go.
Hi, Ernie.
How are you today?
Who's this?
- It's me, Rose. - Hey, Rosie!
Yes, doll. You look wonderful.
How's Irv doing?
He hasn't come by to visit in a while.
Irv passed on, Ernie, remember?
Oh, that's right.
- I'm sorry, Rosie. - Hey.
Who... who's that?
Oh, that's Doreen's boy, Joey.
That... that's little Joey?
- Yeah. - That's me.
Little Jo Jo.
Ernie was the best cook the deli ever had.
Next to you.
Did... did you bring the pickles?
You know I did.
- Oh, boy. - Look at them babies.
He's a big joker, you know.
Here we go. So you wanna cut off a little piece...
- A little piece. - for you, here.
You tell me what you think. Good, yeah?
Amazing!
Oh, my. Oh.
You still got it, Rosie.
Yeah, of course I do. You bet.
Irv come with ya?
No, darling.
- Not today. - Oh.
Well, maybe next time.
Yeah, yeah. Next time.
Well, this is a record.
You haven't criticized my driving
since we left the parking lot.
Rose?
You okay?
Ernie Wasserman is 92 years old.
No wife, no family.
Worked 60 years as one of the best deli men in the city.
Fought in the war.
Volunteer fireman.
A real mensch.
When he goes...
except for a few photos...
there won't be anything that shows he ever existed.
It's got to be that way for a lot of people, you know?
I hope I'm remembered when I'm gone.
Of course you'll be remembered.
You'll be remembered by your famous pickles.
But when I'm gone, they'll be gone.
Well, I mean...
maybe it's time you passed it down to somebody.
Maybe I should, Jo Jo...
To you.
You... you just passed my house.
Sorry about that. Uh, you were saying something?
About what?
About your recipe.
You were saying that maybe it's time to pass it down to somebody.
And uh...
Oh.
Nah, changed my mind.
What? Unbelievable.
Getting out of this is not easy, is all I got to say.
- Maybe we can pick up this conver... - Thank you for a wonderful ride.
- So you're not gonna give me the recipe. - Good night.
Good night, good night, good night.
Go down, and go up, go down, and go up!
Passes my house.
- What? - Joey.
It's me.
Morty, I had it, man.
I had it in my hands.
Yeah, and?
She changed her mind.
Alright, listen, kid.
I'm not gonna give you the 20 grand
for the recipe anymore.
Wha... why not?
Morty, I said I almost had it.
I will get it.
I'm not gonna give you the 20 grand,
because Bernie just signed a deal
with a major pickle company
and now I'm gonna give you 40 grand.
F... forty grand?
Like 40 grand?
You're serious? You're not lying to me?
No, no. I'm serious.
Um, hold on. I'll... I'll put Bernie on the phone.
Here, this is Joey.
Just tell him I'm not lying, okay?
Joey, he's not lying.
You see?
Alright, huh?
So, listen. Oh, there's one catch.
He needs it in a week.
- A week. - Yeah, well, you know.
Julie's party is in ten days,
and you gotta get the dough, right?
No, I-I know, I know. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm gonna do this.
Hey, you're an entertainer.
Improvise.
Everybody, say, "Improvise."
Morty, put down the damn phone!
Sorry. Listen, I gotta go.
Deal me in.
Hi, everybody! How are ya?
You all having a great time?
Well, I'm Ted O'Leary,
and you're here at Improv Tuesdays.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Great. Okay.
Uh, could I get a quick suggestion from the audience, please?
Yeah, go screw yourself.
Okay, uh...
I think I heard Las Vegas tiger trainer.
- ManNo, you didn't. - We heard that one before!
- You suck! - Tiger trainer.
Thank you.
Okay.
Las Vegas tiger trainer.
You stay away, you nasty cat!
Meow somewhere else.
Meow!
Ow, meow!
Me-ow!
That's over you head, sir. I'm sorry about that.
Uh, alright.
Uh, we're gonna move it along here with your next act.
I'd like to thank you so much for coming out,
and we're gonna be right back, and if you wanna see me, I'll...
I'll be over at the bar trying to figure out a reason to keep on living.
- Thank you so much. - Go kill yourself!
Alright, what do you think, buddy?
- The act's coming along, huh? - Uh...
Oh, yeah, yeah. Your act is, uh, strong.
Thanks, man. Baby steps.
Hey, listen. I need to get in touch with a buddy of yours.
Remember that guy who can analyze things?
- Eddie? My drug dealer? - Easy.
Yeah, okay. Capisce. What do you need analyzed?
- Pickles? - I know they're pickles.
I need to know all the ingredients.
They're my Grandma Rose's kosher dills.
Are you serious?
Those pickles got me through rehab the first time.
Huh.
Well, why do you want 'em analyzed?
It's a long story.
- I'll tell you on the way over. - Okay, yeah.
No, Eddie owes me a favor.
I broke into his car for him.
At least, I'm, you know, hoping it was his car.
I don't know. I could have been an accessory to something.
Right. So what do you mean? Like you picked a lock?
Yeah, I got a dark side, man.
I could have gone down a whole other path.
You know, Jack the Ripper, but affable.
Ted, somebody puked in the men's crapper.
Is it booze-puke or food-puke?
Looks like a little bit of everything.
Oh, man.
What? What, are you the janitor now, too?
Things we do for money, Joey.
Thanks.
So, Eddie, what do you think, man?
Yo, now I seen everything.
It's a pickle, right?
Yeah, it's a pickle.
But it's a kosher dill pickle. A very special one.
Damn, man.
I should be slinging these on the corner.
Exactly.
But can you analyze the ingredients?
We're not sure what's in there.
Some secret... maybe cumin. Paprika?
We have a gentleman's bet.
For sure, man. Yo, look.
Anything can be analyzed.
I gotta charge you guys the same price
I charge my usual customers though.
- Yeah, fair. - It's five hundo.
$500?
Yeah, what's up, man? You think I'm ripping you off?
Now, how'd you like it I get my wolverine, Satan, to rip your damn face off.
Five hundred is... so fair.
Thank you.
No problem. Just pay him, Joey.
Just pay him.
I only brought $200 right now.
Two now, three when I'm done.
It's all good. That's a friend rate.
Dude, and we thank you for that, friend.
Yes, thank you, friend.
And I'm sorry that I disrespected you.
Yeah, come on, man.
Dealers got feelings too.
Of course you do, man. You got a huge heart.
I always tell people that.
Yeah, well, I just hope this guy doesn't take all my money.
Oh, come on, man.
Eddie's the most honest dealer in town.
He's like, you know, involved in the community.
If he says you're gonna get it quick, you're gonna get it quick.
Oh, now what?
What's this?
You should start thinking about a Plan B.
- You're four minutes late. - Sorry.
Alright, let's go. Quick.
- Sorry. - I know, I know.
Alright. Here it is.
What do you think? Can you open it?
Yeah. Can I just break it?
- No. - Sure.
You can't break it. She can't know anyone was here.
That's the point. I'm giving you $1,000
- so you can pick it. - Okay. Exactly.
So can you open it?
Without breaking it? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Well, how long will it take?
Eh...
hour, give or take. I don't know.
It's a gold lock. I haven't seen that, but it should just...
- Ted. - Yeah.
Dude, I have to be at work in ten minutes.
Dude, get out of here. Get out of here.
Go give people food. Make 'em happy.
- Seriously, go. - Leave you here alone?
No, I got it. It's fine.
I'll lock up. Everything's good.
- Do what do you. - Alright.
But you take the recipe card out,
you take a picture of it on your phone,
you put the card right back where it was.
- Yeah, I got it. - Where you found it.
And then do not forget to put the key under the mat.
Key under the mat, take a picture.
Don't share it on social media. Got it.
- Got it? - Got it. Yeah.
Done. Dude, get out of here. Get out of here.
Hey, does she have any, like, old lady candy or pictures of you as a kid?
Ted.
Hey, sorry.
- Don't disturb anything, please. Just... - I won't disturb anything, man.
Alright, great. So that's a coffee and bacon and eggs, right?
- Hey, man. - Hey, you're late.
Yeah, I know. Don't tell Rose.
Relax, man. She ain't even here.
Oh. Where is she?
Hana took her home to get something.
Cool.
You've gotta be shitting me.
What's up with this old lady?
Greatest generation, my ass.
Joey, what's up?
Abort, abort. She is coming home.
But I almost...
Ted, listen to me. Get outta there now!
Well, I still don't know why
we don't use the garlic from the grocery store.
'Cause it's garlic from a grocery store.
I use my own garlic or none at all.
And those shopping carts,
it's like pushing a big car up a hill.
- I... - Freeze.
This is a stick-up!
You mean us, right?
Put your hands up.
And hand me the recipe box now.
How can I hand you the recipe box
if my hands are up?
Okay, good point.
Um, one of you put your hands up,
and the other hand me the recipe box,
and no one's gonna die today.
You can't have this recipe box,
because...
those are my mother's recipes from Poland.
I don't care what city your little recipe's from, lady.
You hand me the recipe box now,
and maybe no one gets hurt.
Except you!
Rose! Oh my gosh!
Oh!
My door!
My door! You ruined my door!
And also my pantyhose.
Neither one of us got a good look at him,
but I whacked him good.
He won't forget that for a while.
So, was anything taken?
Nothing. We made sure of that.
What he after?
My recipe box.
It's worth its weight in gold.
He'd already opened the first box,
but we stopped him...
- Mm-hmm. - ...before he got to the second box.
You have a recipe box inside a recipe box?
Rose, if people are breaking into your house for it,
but you need to get it out of there.
Maybe you should check out a safety deposit box.
Ha! Me trust a bank?
Forget it.
They're always getting robbed
or robbing their own customers.
I'm gonna trust them with my recipes?
No way.
So, who can you trust, Rose?
I trust everyone here with my life...
but not my recipes.
I'm no snitch.
I do not snitch.
I'm family.
That hasn't worked out so well, believe me.
I mean, if there was only...
Wait.
- My rabbi. - A rabbi is good.
Yeah.
Rabbi Kaplan.
The most honest man I've ever known.
There you go.
- Problem solved. - Yeah.
If only he weren't dead.
If only there was someone else that I could trust.
I... I don't know.
Weren't you in Fiddler on the Roof?
Yeah, Tevye.
It's pretty much my favorite role.
Tradition.
Thought so.
Now, this is a Jewish bread
that's pronounced challah.
- Holla. - Close, but it's more like
you have something caught in the back of your throat.
Challah.
Challah!
Challah.
Why... why are you guys chosen?
Challah.
Do you actually have something
caught in the back of your throat?
- I do. - Okay, well, clear it out.
And we'll start... okay.
Alright. I have an assortment of yarmulkes.
And you will definitely need one.
Very important, they go on the back of the head.
Don't want that one? Fair enough.
Football spot, huh?
- Yeah. - Hey, hike!
I'll get it.
This is a dreidel.
Okay? It's a kids' game.
- So it's like gambling? - No.
Just a kids' game.
You wanna put a little juice on that? Get it interesting, bud?
Come on!
I can't afford this.
- One more. - Alright. Let's do it.
Come on Gimel. Come on Gimel. Come on Gimel.
- Come on. - Gimel, Gimel, Gimel!
Gimel again!
This is a Kiddush cup,
and you drink wine from it.
But before you drink it, you say a prayer.
- Good God. - Amen.
Okay, these are shabbat candles.
And they are the most sacred part...
Happy birthday, Joey.
It's not my birthday.
Just make a wish.
Okay, I feel honored to be chosen.
Is it Thai food?
- Morty. - Joey, what the hell?
- Do you got it? - We're close.
We're really close.
Um, I'd invite you in, but I'm kinda with someone right now.
Who is it, Joey?
Oh, I get it. You're... you're indisposed.
- Sure. - Yeah, yeah.
I'll make it quick.
When... when's Mom gonna give it to you?
Well, she's not actually gonna give it to me.
She's gonna give it to a rabbi.
- A rabbi? - Yeah.
That is brilliant.
Wait. Which... which rabbi?
Ma's rabbi died.
Rabbi Ted.
Joey!
I'm waiting.
And... and can you trust this Rabbi Ted?
Pfft! Yeah! Yeah, he's a rabbi.
Well, like I said, I'd invite you in, but, uh...
- you know. - I know.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Call you tomorrow. - Yeah.
Rabbi Ted.
Okay, we have gone over a lot tonight, granted,
but you gotta know your stuff. Are you ready?
It's rabbi time.
I'm getting in the mood, buddy.
Hold on.
Hi, sweetie. What's up?
Dad, we need to talk.
What's that dorky music?
Oh, that's nothing.
Uh, just checking out what music not to play at your party.
Okay, but that's why I'm calling.
Paris is downstairs.
Paris is there?
Well, tell him I said hi.
But what is he doing here?
Is something wrong?
No, no. Sweetie, listen.
Your mother doesn't think I'll be able to do your party,
but I am doing it.
You promise?
- Honey, I promise. - Good.
Okay, I'll fake a stomachache.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay, Dad.
- Love you. - I love you too, sweetie.
Don't mess this up.
Did you drink...
You drank both our slurpees?
Okay, I didn't do it. Rabbi Ted did.
- Joey. - Okay, okay.
Grandma, we're here.
Oh, my my!
Welcome, welcome.
Sit down.
Make yourself comfortable.
Oh, Rose, this is Rabbi Ted.
- Shalom. - Shalom.
- Ted O'Leary. - O'Leary?
O'Leary-witz.
Man.
Brain gets jumbled.
O'Leary-witz. What...
What country are your family from?
Orth... Orthodox Irish.
Beautiful country.
Oh, you betcha.
Not too crazy about the corned beef.
Anyway, everything's ready for a wonderful Shabbat.
Oh, you know, every year
I look forward to the holiday of Shabbat.
- Every Friday. - Every Friday of every year.
I just treasure it,
but it's... cyclical.
Rabbi...
would you like to recite the Kiddush tonight?
Uh, actually, I think I'll do it.
Joey, don't be rude.
I would be honored to recite the "Koddush,"
because we're Jewish and that's what we do.
Because we're Jewish.
Chosen.
You meant Kiddush.
Sometimes I get the wee bit of the Irish in me.
Kiddush, Koddush. Let's work the whole thing out.
Oh, well.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go check on the soup.
Dude, don't oversell it.
Calm down.
Just relax.
Rabbi, I'm sorry your wife can't be with you tonight.
Mrs. Glickman, I don't have a wife.
You know rabbis can't get married.
You know?
What does that mean?
That, uh, in the Torah
it teaches us of women with the deal and the...
What Rabbi Ted means
is that he's been so busy with his studies,
he hasn't had time to find a wife and have children
as rabbis are all encouraged to do.
You know, it's not like there hasn't been a lot of ladies lining up
to be the next Rabbi Mrs. Ted though, you know?
With these looks.
Ladies? What kind of ladies?
Ah, the working kind.
Ah, working.
- What kind of work do they do? - Just workin'.
Workin' ladies. Working... working on having a family.
Those kind of ladies.
Smells good!
You know it is good, and dinner's ready!
So everybody, come. Sit.
Good. Let's eat.
I could eat a horse.
If it didn't have a cloven hoof.
Rabbi...
the blessing for the wine.
Ah, you know what? Don't even worry about it.
I mean, it's already getting a little late,
so why don't we skip it for once?
- Good idea. - Yeah.
I never skipped a Kiddush in my life,
and I'm not about to start now.
Rabbi?
Okay, let's all close our eyes.
Tight.
You need... you need some water, Rabbi?
Oh, no, just getting warmed up.
Baruch atah,
Adonai Eloheinu,
Melech Haolam,
borei p'ri hagafen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Amen.
Let's eat some chicken!
Cheers!
Drink. It'll make you feel better.
Well, that was some awesome grub.
More wine?
No, no, no. I shouldn't.
Come on, you're not driving.
Oh, but I may be having too much fun.
- Ah, no such thing! - Here you are.
- Oh. - Oh, thank you.
Ah, Rose. You know, I can't blame you
protecting your pickle recipe as long as you have.
I mean, there are a lot of unscrupulous characters out there.
But your secret is safe with me.
I... I don't know.
No disrespect, rabbi, but I just met you.
Come on, bubbe. He's a rabbi.
Irish Orthodox.
I... I know. And believe me, I take no pleasure
in guarding my recipes like a watchdog.
My pickles.
They have made a lot of people happy.
And a few people, uh... miserable.
Um...
Well, even the best things in life aren't perfect,
and yeah, you can't have the good without the bad,
and the good never lasts as long as you want it to.
So I can certainly understand you wanting
to protect your pickle for as long as you have.
That is so true, rabbi.
Ah, Joey. The rabbi understands.
He does?
I do.
I mean, yeah, he does.
Of course.
'Cause he's a great rabbi.
In fact, rabbi?
Why don't you enlighten us some more?
Rose, I could tell you what you want to hear, but I might be lying to you.
I mean, our God can be very cruel sometimes.
I mean, look at the New Testament.
A rabbi studies the New Testament?
Oh, yeah. I mean, I think it's essential
that we study all three Testaments.
It's like there this time where God sends these bears
to maul 42 kids cause they made fun of the prophet Elisha.
I mean, that ain't pretty sick, right?
- Imagine that. - Elisha?
Mm-hmm. Blood everywhere.
Okay! Let's call it a night.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have fresh coffee...
and pound cake.
Ah, Rose? Would you twist my arm.
Ah! Bop.
Oh, rabbi, I'm so sorry.
- Oh God, no, Don't worry. - That... that's gonna stain.
Whoa, that's cold.
Rose, please don't worry. Where's your bathroom?
Uh, through the kitchen to the left.
- Oh, yeah. Don't worry. - Give me your pants. I'll take 'em to Mr. Schwartz.
That man does wonders with a stain.
I like him.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
He's not all polished and arrogant.
I like that in a young rabbi.
Yeah.
I'm gonna trust him...
with my recipes.
Great.
Good.
I mean...
I think that's smart. If you're comfortable with it, of course.
I think I still have a pair of Irv's pants in the closet.
What size is the rabbi?
Flabby. He's flabby-ish.
Anything that'll fit a sasquatch essentially.
Bully.
Rabbi?
Yeah, Rose?
I'm leaving a pair of pants by the door.
Okay!
That penis.
It's not the penis of a rabbi.
- Gotta go, Joe. - That is not the penis of a... oh.
Bubbe?
Bubbe!
- Woman on P.A.: Dr. Allcome, party in Four-East. - Morty?
Dr. Allcome, party in Four-East.
Morty, I...
Grandma, Grandma, it's me, Joey.
Okay, and Hana.
And Young Ho and Andre.
What is all this?
Well, don't you remember? You fainted.
The last thing I remember is...
seeing a penis...
that was not the penis of a rabbi.
Rabbi's have, uh, special penises.
Rose, do you want us to call Morty for you?
No, what? Why would I want you to call Morty?
Because you were calling his name before you came to.
I most certainly was not.
Then it must be the drugs talking.
Why... are you all here?
Fussing over me? Who's at the deli?
It closed.
It's 7:15 in the morning,
and the deli is closed?
Andre, get me in my coat.
- Rose, you gotta chill. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Chill, nothing.
I'm out of here.
Hi, how we feeling today?
Pissed.
Well, why don't you put some food
in your stomach, hmm?
Get me a pastrami sandwich,
and maybe I will.
- I'll be back. - Mm-kay.
Okay, Hana.
Pencil, paper. We got to make a grocery list.
I got pickles to make.
Alrighty. What do we need?
Uh...
Dude, how is she?
She be okay?
Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.
Man, I'm so sorry.
I mean, I really like your Grammy.
She is okay. She just bumped her head.
So, you're really not circumcised?
Yeah, I didn't think it was gonna be a problem, you know.
Packing a full lunch.
Got it. Did you get the recipe box?
- Yeah, I got the recipe box. - You got it?
- I got it. - You did! Ah!
- And you got the lock off? - Yeah, I got the lock off.
This is great, dude. We scored.
Joe! Joey! Where is she? Is she alright?
She... she's not gonna die, is she?
She's fine, Morty. She's fine.
You're sure? You're really sure?
I'm positive. Here, I'll take you to her.
- You can see for yourself. - No, no, no. You don't have to do that.
It's fine. If you say she's fine, then, you know, she's fine.
Who are you?
Oh, this is Ted.
Oh, Ted! The rabbi.
Hi, I'm Morty.
- Hi, Morty, good to meet you. - Yeah.
Not actually a rabbi.
But he did get her recipe box.
- Huh? - Oh my God!
Oh my God!
- Oh, congratulations, Joey. - Yeah!
- I knew you'd do it! - Well...
Oh! Brilliant, Ted. Brilliant!
Are you kidding?
You two are clowns, and I'm done.
You can keep the money. I'm out.
What are you talk... Ted, what's wrong?
I know, I'm a nebish shmendrik pushing around a mop,
and schleps all day and cleans up puke for a living.
But this farfallen scheme of yours
has caused nothing, but tsuris.
And if you don't stop,
then you two are gonna be bigger schmucks
than the schmuck that caused your bubbe to plotz.
Whoa.
Really ran with that rabbi thing.
- Huh. - Huh.
Okay, let me see.
Here we go.
- What the hell is this? - What?
"
Make sure you get a good jar"?
- What, that's it? - Yeah.
I don't understand.
Kid...
you may be my nephew,
but if you double-cross me and Bernie Babcock,
he's gonna lock you in the trunk,
and throw you in the friggin' river.
Morty, I'm not.
Okay, I swear I just got it.
You're gonna go in that room,
and you're gonna get that damn pickle recipe.
- How? - I don't care.
Threaten her, drug her,
waterboard the old witch.
Water...
She's your mother, Morty.
Well, maybe that was a little extreme.
Woman on P.A.: Will the owner of a 1972 brown Capris
please move your vehicle or else it will be towed.
That's mine. I gotta go. That's me.
Woman on P.A.: Dr. Woods, call 399.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Amnesia?
Selective short-term amnesia.
I've gone meshugga.
- Meshugga? - It means I've lost my mind.
Okay, but wait, Grandma, are you telling me
you can't remember a single recipe?
Well, that's okay. That's what the recipe box is for, right?
No, not right.
I have so many recipes, half of them I never write down...
like... my pickles.
Oh. This is terrible.
- Man, without Rose's pickles... - We screwed.
Doctor, tell us. Is there any hope?
Well, in selective amnesia,
with professional help, much of the time
the patient's memory does return.
Eventually.
Yeah, we don't have time for eventually.
Grandma, get dressed. We're going.
- Thank God. - No, wait, Miss Glickman!
Out of my way.
Okay.
Dr. Alright, Mrs. Glickman.
Just close your eyes and relax.
Just breathe calmly.
Concentrate on the sound of my voice.
Now when I count back from ten,
- I want... - You sound congested.
Pardon?
You told me to listen to the sound of your voice.
You sound congested? You got a cold?
No, I'm fine.
Now, when I count back from ten...
You're not gonna make me think I'm a chicken, are you?
What?
I saw this hypnotist in Las Vegas once.
He made this man think he was a chicken.
No, Mrs. Glickman.
No chickens.
If I walk out of here clucking...
- I'll sue. - No one's gonna make you cluck.
Grandma, let the man work.
- Alright, alright, alright. - Please, Mr. Miller.
This actually won't work if everyone is speaking.
Rose, I want you to pretend you're floating in a warm pool.
What pool?
Any pool.
Inside or outside?
- Whichever. - I don't like an outside pool!
I always get burned, and then there's the bugs...
I don't think it matters if the pool is indoors or outdoors.
- I don't think it really... - Are kids swimming in this pool?
If you'd like.
Well if there are, I'm a little concerned about all that warm water.
This one used to pee in the pool.
Like a frightened puppy, he'd pee.
So sweet and soft right in the pool.
My little darling with his pee.
Oh, God.
Wow.
That guy was creepy.
Yeah, well, at least you're not clucking.
You know what, why don't I go get the car and you wait here?
- Okay, but you hurry, yeah? - Yeah.
- I'll be right back. - Oh, what a good boy.
What are you doing?
What... what are you doing at my shrink?
He can't see her if he's seeing me.
Okay, listen. We have a tiny bit of a problem.
It seems that Grandma Rose has forgotten something.
What?
The pickle recipe.
What? Oh my God!
- No, no, it's okay, it's okay. - Oh my God!
It's okay, it's okay. It's under control.
This is a disaster.
Okay, this is disaster city.
I mean, what are we... what are we gonna do now?
Don't worry about it. The doctor said the memory will come back.
Can't believe she forgot the pickle recipe,
but she remembers me taking a pee in the pool.
Anyway, I will call you tomorrow.
- Alright? - What? Wait a minute.
- I'm feeling nauseous. - It's okay, it's okay.
I'm actually nauseated right now.
- I'm feeling very nauseous. - I gotta go!
And you ruined my appointment!
I can't hear you now!
- I'm in the van! - I said you ruined my...
I glad Rose not here to see this.
Oy.
Spirit World, awaken.
We are reaching out to the other side
to speak with Irv Glickman
and learn the secrets he may have taken with him
to the grave.
Irv...
are you with us?
I think she's having a seizure.
She's not having a seizure.
Darling?
Are you diabetic? You need a cookie?
Rose? Is that you?
Irving?
I come all this way, you couldn't bother to wear
the sexy black number I bought you.
With a beautiful butterfly brooch you wore to our 50th.
Oh my God, it really is Irving.
Only he would know that.
It's really... oh my.
Rosie, every minute with you was like a gift.
- Who's this? - This is Jo Jo.
Oh! Jo Jo?
I didn't recognize you!
Well, hi, Gramps.
So, Rosie, how's business?
Darling, we got a problem.
I need the pickle recipe.
- Who's got a pen? - I got one.
And some paper. Boom.
"Get a good jar"?
That's it?
I...
We cooked side by side for 50 years.
How could you not know the pickle recipe?
That's all you ever told me.
I... I know all your other recipes.
Oh, your brisket is a smash hit up here.
So is your matzo ball soup!
Grandma, you didn't even tell your own husband the pickle recipe?
Maybe I was a little too protective.
So...
you still got that splotch on your tuchus?
Great news on the weather,
but here's some unfortunate news for foodies out there
from Sherry Margolis.
I'm outside of Irv's Deli.
A Detroit institution for more than 50 years.
Where generations of Detroiters have been lining up
for Rose Glickman's famous award-winning kosher dill pickles.
But for the last 36 hours,
the barrel has run dry.
Tell me, how do you feel about what happened here?
I am absolutely devastated.
I mean, I have Rose's pickles
three times a week with my lunches...
- Hello? Really? - It is devastating.
Okay, great. I'll... I'll be right there.
We all hope they come back.
Let's hope they do.
Finally. You got it?
You got the stuff?
- Yeah, you got my cash? - Yeah.
But I wanna see the ingredients first.
Okay, cucumber, alright, peppercorns.
Coriander seeds.
- Mustard seeds. - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, man.
It's all there.
Where's my cash, yo?
Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about the measurements?
- What? - The measurements, man.
I mean, I got the ingredients,
but without the measurements, I can't make the pickles.
Bitch, do I look like Rachel Ray to you?
You better give me my damn money
before I pop a cap in your dopey ass.
Alright, alright.
Well, you know what? I want the rest of the pickles first.
- Your damn pickles. - Here you go.
Freeze!
Whoa, whoa! Hands up, crackhead.
- Oh! - Turn around, now!
- Don't move. - Okay, crackhead.
- Turn around. - Turn around!
- Okay. - Keep your hands up.
Don't move!
- What is this? - It's a pickle.
- Pickle? - Just a pickle.
Pickle, yeah? Laced with what?
Nothing!
It's not laced with anything.
What do you taste?
Dill with a smidge of coriander.
- Pretty good. - So if that was drugs, you'd taste it?
I cannot believe the shit people get high on these days.
First bath salts, now pickles.
- What is wrong with you? - I don't know.
This isn't your bag? Why is there marijuana seeds in my bag?
- T-that I don't know. - You know what I know?
- You're going to jail. - No, I'm not.
- Oh, yes you are. - No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. Or maybe going downtown for a while.
I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go.
- Hey! No! - Come back here!
- Stop running! - I got the pickle!
- You better stop! - I have a bat mitzvah to do!
Sweet freedom.
Thanks for bailing me out, Morty.
Hey, one thing I learned. You never run from the cops, you know?
Ah. Bet it had something to do with that fire.
Just a little one.
Right. Anyway, I got to head back to the deli.
- I got the ingredients. - You do?
Fantastic. Then we're done.
We should celebrate, right?
No, no, no. Not yet. Not quite.
Oh, I see. So the truth is, you still don't have it.
Which means that you still don't have it, right?
Just chill out, alright?
I have a plan.
Here. Burn that.
It's my discharge form.
Okay, everyone.
I knew it would be a long shot,
but I contacted a friend,
a renowned and well-respected chemist,
Eddie,
and he graciously sacrificed one of Grandma's last pickles
and he was able to analyze the contents.
So, we saved!
However, we still don't have the correct measurements.
So, we screwed.
Not at all.
You see, Thomas Edison once said...
- Anti-semite. - Grandma, please.
Now Tesla, he was a very good guy.
I mean, I never met him personally, understand,
but he had a very nice reputation.
Anyway, Thomas Edison once said,
he never failed in his attempts to make a light bulb.
He only discovered 10,000 ways not to make one.
Schmuck.
And let's keep that in mind
because none of us are going home
until we discover the right combination of ingredients.
Are ya with me?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are you saying we gotta make 10,000 recipes?
No, no. Not exactly 10,000, that's just a metaphor.
- Where am I gonna get 10,000 pickle jars? - We don't need 10,000.
And I don't have room for 10,000 pickle jars.
Forget 10,000, okay?
How about 100? Let's start with 100.
A hundred's good.
But what if we don't find it?
Well, then we make 100 more.
Well, what if we still don't find it? Then, what do we do?
Then we make 100 more.
And 100 more. And 100 more. And 100 more.
Look, we have to start somewhere.
Right!
Let's start.
Now what?
We begin.
Tweet tweet
That's the last one.
Now we let them ferment for 75 hours.
Young Ho?
75 hours start...
now.
You know what, Grandma?
I think it's in there.
Woman Not too bad out there.
Only one problem area to let you know about.
And this is on I-696...
...on the west-bound side of Dequindre Road.
- Hello? - Joey?
- Are they done yet? - No.
Morty, we just started, alright? You gotta wait.
Is there anything we can do to make 'em go faster?
No, they're pickles.
You can't rush them, alright?
Because you know, maybe...
We could microwave 'em or something.
Well, just relax.
Ferment for a bit.
This is just so agonizing.
I feel so helpless.
Love to put him in a jar for 72 hours.
Punch a hole in the lid.
Joey, it's Fran.
I don't know what kind of tricks you have up your sleeve,
but the party is Sunday.
I have Paris ready to go,
so if I don't hear from you, then he's on.
And if by some miracle you pull this off,
you owe me $2,000...
Hi, Dad, it's me.
Sorry I haven't called you back.
I'm going crazy getting ready for the bat mitzvah.
I can't believe it's this weekend.
I'm so excited.
I know Mom says mean stuff about you,
but ignore it. I do.
Okay? I love you.
I love you, too.
It time.
Friends...
this is a very important moment.
The future of Irv's Deli may depend on the outcome.
- If we don't... - Let's just do this.
No!
You got to be kidding.
Oh, Rose. So sorry.
No.
Next!
Not bad.
Not good.
Where's the dill? No dill?
Too much dill.
Too much... of everything.
Crunches.
Stinks.
The champion bad pickle.
Look at it. Look it, look it, look it.
Now this...
is the worst pickle I ever ate.
A travesty!
Oh, good God.
No.
Yuck.
No!
Oh my God.
You're doing good.
I need...
a pastrami sandwich.
- Lean. - What?
How can you be hungry?
- Just get me the sandwich, okay? - Okay.
- What? - You're gonna fill up on bread?
We got more pickles to eat.
Watch it.
I'm a professional.
Oh, good. Good, good, good, good, good.
No.
What was that?
We never find recipe.
Stupid idea.
So what are you saying? We should just give up?
Maybe we should become Chinese buffet.
That is a terrible idea.
I know Chinese buffet.
Deli food too complicated.
Young, how dare you.
This is my life here.
I can't believe you're being such a wussy.
I'm not wussy.
You wussy!
So you calling me a wussy, wussy?
I don't know.
Thought it might raise our spirits a bit.
Hana!
Uh...
Yeah!
Andre!
Young Ho, come on!
Chair
That's good. Good for you.
That was great, yeah.
You should be happy about it.
Come on, everybody.
Yeah!
One more time, everybody.
Woo!
Alright.
Get me another pickle jar.
Alright!
These are the last two jars.
So, if it's not in one of these...
we gotta start all over.
Give me a pinch of salt.
Rose, what is it? Say something.
Taste this.
Yeah, everybody we're back in business!
Everything all right?
Fine. Yeah, yeah. It's nothing.
Joey.
You keep this.
I got it back.
All up here.
Temperatures in the 80s.
The weekend ahead looks fantastic.
There's also great news for all you pickle lovers.
Sounds like Rose's famous kosher dill's are back.
Nobody knows the reason for the pickle shortage,
but I can tell you nothing goes better
with a corn beef sandwich from Irv's Deli.
In fact, I might just go there after work.
Hi, this is Joey Miller,
and I definitely wanna talk to you, so...
Just up here?
Yeah. Up here's fine.
Thank you for driving me home.
I'm way too tired to drive.
Me, too. I'm fried.
Joey.
Joey!
Are you in there?
Do you...
do you wanna come up?
Uh, I would to, yeah.
Joey, I know you got it, and it's great!
It's just great!
But... I mean, I'm just so wiped out.
Oh, yeah, me too.
Totally. So wiped out.
Joey.
Wait. Hold on a second.
It's okay, it's okay. I don't have to stay. I can go home.
So you're telling me there's no way
you can tell where someone's cell phone is?
Can't you triangulate their location?
This is very, very important.
This is... this is a matter of life and death.
No, don't tell me that it's not.
Hello?
Let me talk to your supervisor.
Jealous girlfriend?
No.
Even worse.
Hey, you know what? It's late. We should get going.
Mmm, okay.
Yeah.
I'll go make us some coffee.
No no no. You stay here. I'll make the coffee.
Okay.
I'll bring you breakfast in couch.
Where do you keep your coffee?
In the cupboard on the left.
You know, Joey...
do you realize what you've done?
Oh, what did I do?
When you first came to the deli,
no one knew what to think.
I mean, you actually seemed like a jerk.
We didn't know what you were up to,
all of a sudden just showing up
into your grandma's life like that.
But you showed me something,
me and everybody else.
You know what you are, Joey?
What?
A mensch.
A real mensch.
You proved to everyone that you really care.
Especially Rose. I mean, she's crazy about you.
And...
I'm kinda crazy about you, too.
Well, that's my specialty,
making people crazy.
But you know, since we work together,
we probably shouldn't do this again.
Really?
Yeah. I'll see you later then.
Julie. Hey, Julie!
- Hey, Dad. - Oh.
Mmm.
- You are so beautiful. - Thanks.
I'm kinda nervous.
Aw, no. You're gonna nail it.
Okay, come on, Julie. We have to get ready.
Aw, Julie.
Want to hear something amazing?
Your father saved the deli.
Am I right, Hana?
Yes, it's true.
We were really in trouble, but then your dad came through.
He's a pretty special guy.
I know. He rocks.
Wait until you see him at the party.
Okay, honey. We gotta go. Let's get ready.
You rock.
Psst! Joey!
- Joey! - What now?
Come here.
- Morty, what the hell? - Now, look.
I have tried paying you.
I've tried paying you double.
I've tried threatening you,
hounding you, begging you,
and I am out of options.
Okay?
So, look, I have decided until you give me what I want,
I am gonna tase the shit outta you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Morty.
- Damn it! - Jesus.
Tell me where the recipe is.
Do you have the goddamn recipe?
You got the cash?
Yeah, it's in my car.
Yeah, I got it.
- I knew you'd get it, kid. - Okay.
- Alright. Okay. - I knew it!
I knew you'd come through.
I knew it.
Okay, this is Julie's bat mitzvah,
so if you don't mind, can I give it to you afterwards?
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
- Right. Got it. - Okay, good.
- Yes. - Thank you. Okay, pick up the taser.
I-I will. I will.
Mazel tov!
So what does becoming a bat mitzvah mean?
Well the term bat mitzvah literally means "daughter of commandment."
So as I reach this age of 13,
I am, according to being Jewish,
now recognized as an adult.
And that's pretty heavy.
I mean, I'm only 4'5".
So at this time,
I'd like to thank my beautiful great-grandmother Rose,
my amazing mom, Fran...
Harris,
and my incredible dad,
the one-man party machine, Joey Miller.
Sorry, a little plug never hurts.
They have always taught me how to make good choices...
to do the right thing,
and to be true to yourself.
You guys, I love you all so very much.
I am so proud of her.
Now it's the time in the service...
to invite Julie's parents to say a few words about their wonderful daughter.
Mom, would you like to start?
Yes, thank you.
Julie...
we are so proud of you.
You did a terrific job...
and we love you very much.
That's right.
Julie...
now, I may be your stepfather,
but I want you to know something.
You will always be our little princess.
Pound it. Boom. Blow it up.
You too, big guy.
Boom. That's right.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Julie, you were phenomenal up here,
and you look incredible,
and I am just so lucky to be your dad.
Rabbi, can I take a minute?
- Uh, sure. - Aren't you done?
No. No, in fact, I think I'm just getting started.
Hello, everyone.
Nice to see all the families gathered here today
for Julie's totally awesome bat mitzvah.
Bat mitzvahs, bar mitzvahs.
I've done hundreds of them.
I've entertained families like the Cohns and the Finkels.
And I got to be part of their memories.
But you know, I don't think I fully appreciated how great that actually is.
You know, how great it is to be part of a family.
Joey, a simple, "I'm proud of you, Julie," would suffice.
For the love of Jesus... oop, sorry.
- You know... - Stop.
...I've been working at Irv's Deli the past few weeks,
and I got to spend some special time with my wonderful grandma, Rose.
I got to learn about her famous pickles.
You know, when you ferment one, a cucumber sits in a jar.
And then all the ingredients permeate it,
and over time turn it into something wonderful.
Not unlike how the people in our lives make us into who we are.
And sometimes you get sweet ones.
Aww.
Sometimes, they're sour.
Or weird.
What I am saying is, our family and our friends
are the ingredients that give our lives meaning and flavor.
And, Julie, I'm just so thankful
I got to be an ingredient in yours.
Just one more thing.
The only reason I started working at Irv's Deli
was so that I could steal Grandma Rose's pickle recipe.
What?
Yeah, in fact, this is the only written copy right here.
But... what? Joey, why?
To sell it.
I was gonna sell your recipe.
I was desperate. I was willing to do almost anything to make money,
so I could buy new equipment to emcee Julie's party,
and, Julie, I am sorry,
but Paris will do a great job.
- Paris is good. - Easy, pal.
He's not bad.
So where were you gonna get this money?
Doesn't matter.
Joey!
What are you doing? No!
Morty.
Wait! No!
Joey, stop!
- Morty. - Stop. We had a deal.
I... I should have known!
Okay, but hold on, okay. I had a role in this too, so.
So what was this deal of yours, Morty?
Another crazy scheme?
Just wait. Hold on a second.
I got this, okay?
Look, Morty, out of the goodness of his heart
was gonna get me the money for the new equipment.
I mean, he had a deal set up with Bernie Babcock.
- Bernie Babcock? - Mm-hmm.
Bernie Babcock is dead.
This true?
Morty, what the hell... what the hell... What the hell's going on?
Another of his bullshit schemes, that's what's going on.
Oh, I'm sorry, rabbi.
You want to screw over your family again?
Just like before?
Wait, wait. You gotta hear me out.
No, we don't.
Um, excuse me?
It's my bat mitzvah.
I think we should hear him out.
Thank you, Julie.
I didn't screw anybody over.
And... and, Joey, I was gonna pay you... eventually.
And, Ma, it was you who screwed everyone over.
I mean, you had two kids,
and all you cared about were your damn pickles and your damn deli,
every day and every night.
Doreen was your favorite,
and even she complained about it.
My deli?
Our deli.
You think that this was easy?
Everyone I loved, they took away from me in the war.
Everyone. My mother, my father...
my sister.
I just wanted to make a life for you.
Both of you. A... a good life.
Better than mine. That's what mothers do.
Or did you forget?
So I wasn't perfect.
Who is?
- I'm pretty darn close. - Shut up.
Alright, look. The three of us
are gonna work this out together right now.
Like hell we will.
You're too much of a putz.
Fair enough. Okay, granted.
You know what, you are a bit of a putz, Morty.
I mean, what were you thinking?
I mean, dragging me into this crazy story
about selling a recipe to a dead guy?
You know what, Grandma? You're a bit of a putz, too.
What did you just call me?
Putz.
Look, you...
You have this amazing pickle recipe, okay?
Amazing... so amazing I was willing to go through
this whole ordeal just to try and get it.
But you... you...
you can be so selfish.
I mean, you won't even let anyone watch you make them.
Nobody's taking my pickles away from me.
Don't you see?
Okay, if you take the pickle recipe with you,
then we all lose. Even you.
That's ridiculous nonsense.
Morty, why... why did you do this, huh?
Okay, look, Ma.
We never talk.
I know you're ashamed of me.
I know I'm a screw-up.
I know I got nothing. I got nobody.
- I... - This...
You're doing great, you're doing great.
- I... I... I... - Come on, come on.
I just wanted something to remember you by.
All this over pickles?
No. Don't you see? It's not... it's not the pickles, okay.
It's... it's that they're amazing.
Okay? They're beautiful.
They're like you.
Really?
Really.
Come here.
Oh, no, no.
Not you.
Got it.
You.
Come, come.
Oh.
So...
you wanna be in the deli business?
I'd love to.
We start at 5:00 a.m.
Hey, Dad?
What's up?
Will you still save me a dance on Sunday night?
I can't wait.
Hey, busboy.
Nice job.
Thanks, Grandma.
You're fired.
Fair enough.
Now that's what I call a pickle.
I'd give someone a million bucks for the recipe.
A million bucks, Morty.
What do you think?
Sorry, ladies.
Family secret.
Look, I know what you're going through.
Your stomach's in a knot, your nerves are shot.
You can't believe you're about to walk through that door.
I'm sorry. Were you saying something?
Nothing.
Come on, let's do this.
Everyone on your feet!
It is time to meet and greet
the couple that can't be beat!
Say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Joey Miller!
- Shall we? - Why not?