LONG FLAT BALLS II
- Screwdriver! - Here, Petter.
Hurry up now, Petter.
The turbinator. If it works, I'll patent it.
- Then we'll make a shitload of money. - Petter will. He invented it.
Will the Edgarage driver report to start!
Get the car outta here!
Mie.
Come on!
This kid is too much!
There they go!
There's smoke coming out of the car!
And there go the brake chutes.
Relax Petter. There's four weeks to the final.
And we gotta win that race. I have ten G's riding on it with the Swedes.
- Where will you get that kind of money? - From the Swedes! Of course.
I cant' trust you for a second. You only had to look after her for one day.
- I've been carrying her around all day. - You didn't even change her diaper!
Dammit Laila, you just had to show up the one time I wasn't watching her.
- You can't manage a whole week? - Yes, cause I'm taking the week off...
What? We just deferred our National Guard maneuver because we're so busy.
- You have National Guard duty? - No, we get excused because we're busy.
We say we're busy, so they let us off.
- You did send in the application, Kai? - You bet I did. Just relax, Petter.
Right, it's lunch time.
Are you playing with your nuts?
Remember that with every nut comes a bigger nut. A mother-in-law!
The National Guard Training has escalated into a NATO exercise.
Norwegian and American troops will take part in the largest exercise ever.
I'm glad we got out of that!
- What are you guys doing in here? - This is our lunch-room.
- So we eat. - Not according to the notice-board.
Listen, guys... Do you think I bought this for the fun of it?
Now that I am co-owner and sales manager I must ensure maximum efficiency.
With a simple information system like this, we managers can see -
- where employees are located at any given time. Right, Edgar?
So I'm "out" even though I'm in there?
You're still out, even though you're inside.
If Kari gets a call, she can say: "No, he's out".
She can't say I'm out if I'm still in.
I'm out when I'm out, and in when I'm in.
Now I'm out Kari.
Kai moved his piece to 'out', so we know he's not in.
We don't have to look at the board, we can see him when we come in here.
Now you could, because he was already in the room,-
- but if you hadn't been here...
... we would have been out there and seen him when we got in here.
Out! In here means "out".
This "in and out" stuff makes me really nervous.
- Edgar! There is somebod... - Go back out!
- In. - What?
Use the intercom. I spent a lot of money on that thing.
You should have spent the money on a new coffee maker instead.
Edgar, the military police is here.
- You should've reported yesterday. - But we sent an application to defer.
- I have no record of that. - This is really not a good week for me.
We sent a collective request due to critical company issues.
- That means we are really busy. - Are we busy?
- Petter, you mailed the request, right? - I gave it to Kai. He mailed it.
And I put it straight in the mail box.
- This is the in-box, that's the out-box. - Oh, is that different now too?
- My Girlfriend is leaving for a holiday. - Well, that's perfect timing then.
So you want me to leave my two-year-old daughter home alone?
- Hello? - I need you now.
But... OK. I'm going out the back door.
Where did Øyvind go?
Turn those blinking lights off, I can't concentrate!
- You have to come right away! - That's easy for you to say.
- What's the matter with him? - Ovulation.
- Øyvind's ovulating? - No not him, Anne is.
She's trying to get pregnant, so when she ovulates, he has to hurry home.
Oh, they are... uh...
Right now? With us right outside?
That would have made me really nervous.
Has anybody got a flashlight? The fuses blew.
We've got to fix the wiring in this house!
Yes! Old wiring can start a fire.
What do you want a flashlight for? I thought you liked to do it in the dark.
I'm telling you to come for the last time.
The last time? I haven't even...
- We can do it, if we hurry. - You gotta come now.
They all keep saying that!
52.
- Anne really wants to have kids... - Kids can be a pain in the ass.
No matter how hard we try, she can't get pregnant.
- Boots. - No thanks, I'm not supposed to be here.
Have you tried that thing with the legs up in the air afterwards?
Her legs, not yours.
- Maybe somethings' wrong with her? - You're sure you have seeds in your sack?
No way! I have the right to see a doctor.
- Hi, I need to see a doctor. - That's me.
- Are you the doctor? - Is my gender a problem for you?
No, that's your problem.
What can I do for you?
- Enter. - Got a minute? We need your help...
- I'll get back to you. - We screwed up our application.
Rock and roll!
So, you are a pacifist?
It's a new era in the National Guard. I can't let you off this time.
- What if somebody tried to rape you wife? - I'm not married.
I'll use the flashlight now... Good.
Look at my finger. Up... and down.
- And this way again. - Keep it still, will you?
I have to babysit my daughter. I don't have time for this army thing.
We're just so busy at the Garage right now.
- My Gods forbid me to carry arms. - Buddhism has no gods.
Damn! Did I say 'Buddhist'?
- Sterile? I never used to be sterile. - Well, we can't rule it out.
- What if somebody tried to rape your mom? - My mom? She's 82! That's disgusting.
We need a semen specimen...
You want me to fill that with...?
How can you think about raping my mother?
No, don't... Calm down.
I'm not filling that glass. You fill it.
I'm a pacifist, you shrink-son-of-a-bitch!
I'm a pacifist! He's the sicko, not me!
Babysitting is not a disease. I'm a doctor, why are you here?
Well, uh... I also have very poor eyesight in one of my eyes...
There's nothing you can do...?
Pervert!
You're from Fredrikstad, right? Well, that makes you fit to fight.
You'll be fine. Here you go.
- Consider it a week's vacation. - I gotta go, boys.
- Just salad? - I'm on a diet.
- The doctor says I'm sterile. - He said "maybe".
You can't become sterile just like that can you? Is sterility hereditary?
- You mean your parents were sterile? - Maybe they adopted him.
- I wonder where Petter is? - It's so typical for him to be late.
He acts like a single guy who happens to be living with the mother of his child!
Mom...
Hello, Daddy.
You take good care of her! You are her father, you know!
- An unmarried father! - Let's not get into that.
Not ever, if it were up to me.
Mom!
- You'll handle this, then? - Sure; we might even go camping...
Can I have a kiss? So long then.
- We'll be fine. - Bye-bye.
Where'd you get those boots, Petter?
We have to hurry up now.
I have to find somebody to look after you.
- Good morning, soldiers. - Good morning, Commodore!
Admirals, generals, ladies and gentlemen.
He is a decorated hero from several operations worldwide.
It is a privilege for me to introduce a real sailor and a great officer:
Fleet Admiral Leroy Burnett.
The true purpose of an army is peace. To establish and maintain peace.
But to fulfill that purpose we must meet our enemy with power.
When I look at you today, I say we have that power.
The main goal of the maneuvers here for the Norwegian troops -
- is to conquer the headquarters of the US troops -
- at the old shipyards at Krakeroy.
Your target will be our flag.
The very flag that was raised at Iwo Jima -
- and has been the banner of our fleet ever since.
That flag would look great hanging in then Edgarage, eh?
Usually we Americans like to consider ourselves the good guys.
But this time we will play the part of the bad guys.
Now, of course this will come as a great difficulty for us.
I hereby announce that the operation "Battering Ram" commenced.
Let the war games begin.
- Even the ladies are tougher than us. - What do they want us for here?
We're just cannon fodder.
Visiting hours are over, so the child must go back to her mother.
Øyvind? Don't you think Anne would love to look after her?
She'll need the practice with you and her making babies.
And if she needs advice, she can always call Laila.
No, now that I'm thinking about it, let's forget it... Come here, love.
There's no reason to call Laila.
Hey...! That's my bunk.
Quiet! She's finally asleep.
- You're in my bunk. I want to sleep there. - Is that a good idea? With that gut?
I'm on a diet! I'm just eating salad. You know that!
Come on! I'll lie down on top of you, if you don't get out.
Now we're talking.
I don't believe it...! Things can't get any worse than this.
Get up, you maggots! Feet on the floor! Get up!
- Uncle Edgar? - What are you doing here?
- Good to see you. - Helge...!
Hey! It's the guys!
I'm glad to see you're not holding a grudge.
Yes, that's very sporting of you.
You missed the World Cup final because we dumped you by the road, remember?
- Where have you been? - I just peed some pee from my pecker.
Helge?
See that star? It means that you address me as "lieutenant". I'm the boss!
For the next week your ass is mine.
- Seven eleven! - Twenty-four seven.
We're really sorry about what happened in Germany, Helge... uh, lieutenant!
- Yes, we've really been regretting that. - You're not still mad, are you?
No.
Shit...
Thanks to you I had to walk on my own feet all the way from Germany to Oslo.
- Who else's feet would you walk on? - Who said what?
- Where's Mie? - In kindergarten.
Silence! Keep scrubbing!
Kindergarten? She's not enrolled in any kindergarten.
Who are you, my friend?
I refuse to clean this shit.
Do you really think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
This is chocolate.
- Get these guys on the maneuver! - Yes. I apologize, major!
Hey you! If we capture that flag this pretend war is over, right?
- Correct. - And after that you let us go home?
Yes.
Edgar! Get your ass moving!
So he's the owner of that car.
- Nice car. 67? - Yeah.
You have a problem with the engine. Does it conk out around 4000 rpm's?
- No. - I heard something when you gassed.
- Pardon? - I would check it, if I were you.
Listen, soldier. I got 50 of the finest mechanics in the US Navy -
- looking after this baby. I think she'll be just fine.
Whatever happened to saluting a senior officer, private Fredriksen?
I would still check it.
Kai, doesn't the noise make you nervous?
I can't hear you. All this noise makes me very nervous.
Get that tent up!
Hurry! Pitch it.
- Will you be staying with us? - Of course.
An officer never leaves his men in battle.
Yo, brother. This is good. Nobody will find us here, that's for sure.
Hallelujah.
Stop!
Friend or foe?
Pizza?
What is this?
Pepperoni and cheese.
- Damn! - They fell!
They won't be open all night, will they?
- What's on that one then? - Same thing -pepperoni and cheese.
The kindergarten, Petter. The kindergarten!
- Is he asleep? - Like a baby. He's totally shit-faced.
I can't go on like this. Do you think Kari could look after her?
I doubt it. Unless you have a damn good reason.
We can't go on like this, either, Petter. After all he is my nephew.
- Feeling guilty? - No, feeling broke.
Hi there, Mie.
How come you're awake? Can't you sleep?
- How about Daddy? - Daddy won't wake up.
- I miss my mummy. - Petter, she needs to be changed.
- You have to change her diaper. - It can wait. She's not going anywhere.
Pull yourself together, man. Is she nothing but a problem to you?
Time flies. One day you'll be her problem. Enjoy it, while you can.
- Give me a hand, guys. - No, you're doing just fine, Petter.
There you go.
New kindergarten. It's gonna be great fun.
Kai. You could've ripped that one outside.
I didn't rip anything at all.
- Did you shit in your pants? - What the hell are you talking about?
Something really stinks here. Can't you smell it?
No.
Where have you been?
- Out! Where have you been? - Secret assignment.
- Doing what? - If I tell you, it's not a secret, is it?
No. I guess not.
This operation is run from our SOC.
Commando troops will secure CRC Måkerø.
Navy frigates will patrol the approach to Fredrikstad.
Jet Falcon and Orion will supply us with real-time surveillance data.
Naval vessels will secure the Rauer Fort.
The enemy has also occupied a radar station.
It's essential that we re-capture the station, before we enter Phase 2.
The target will be taken by commandoes from a C-130 -
- under the command of lieutenant Halvorsen. Any questions?
Get going!
- New crew, or what? - Yes, there was a bet in the mess.
Obviously, I lost. Move out, boys.
Why don't we go straight to the shipyard and take the flag?
This is an intermediate goal. And we don't question orders.
- So, we have to take that goal first? - Yes. That's the rule for every team.
- And if we don't take that goal? - Then we have to start all over.
Come on, boys!
- This should be fun. - Fredriksen! Follow us!
What's the matter?
- Sir! We found him. - Good.
I can explain about my daughter. And that hole in the fence was always there...
And as for the tank... The keys were already in the ignition.
I'm happy to put some diesel in it.
Are you a psychic or just a damn good mechanic?
I'm driving this baby along the country roads of Fredrikstad.
The weather's good, I'm in a good mood.
This baby is purring like a tiger, then we hit 4000 rpm and bang!
- Armageddon. - Yeah.
- Just like you predicted. - Nice car.
Not nice, she's gorgeous. I take her with me wherever I go.
- One of the few privileges of the job. - You have a nice boss, then.
I guess you can say so. We replace him every 4 to 8 years.
Wrench, please!
I think he needs a wrench.
- She's Norwegian, you know. - Oh.
Not exactly. My grandfather was from Bodø.
She speaks Norwegian.
Go on and say that thing again. Come on, come on...
Well, it's just some words I picked up.
Suck me backwards through a fish's asshole!
This cock-sucking little piece of shit-fish is fucking useless!
- She's good, eh? - Yeah.
- You know what it means? - Something about fish...
It's something he used to say, like a praise or something.
- "Praise this big fish!" - Right.
Lie down! Lie down on the ground!
Secure the area.
Freeze, motherfuckers!
You can try it now.
Aren't you guys supposed to be the best goddamn mechanics in the world?
- You're pretty good at this. - Yeah, I know.
Sir, the Norwegians won the first round.
What?
It looks like your team managed without you.
Well, I owe you. Invite him to the party.
But sir... The guest list is already full.
- Check this out. - Will all of us be able to go?
- His face lit up when the engine started. - We know American classics in Norway!
What are you guys doing here? You're supposed to be wounded.
- And you have a...head injury. - That's what I always said!
- We cleaned up that radar thing. - We didn't even miss you.
- Øyvind did the whole thing alone. - I thought you were "shooting blanks".
- What do you mean by that? - How about using a donor? A sperm bank.
- It's like a blood bank, only with sperm. - Can anybody...?
- No, they're very selective. - That's not what I heard.
I know a couple who used donor sperm and got a Chinese kid.
Why don't you find a donor yourself?
Then you can be sure you don't get a Swede!
Good God!
- I am here to pick up my daughter. - Are you okay?
Huh?
- Daddy? - Oh, right...
Edgarage... No, I'm sorry. The boys are on maneuvers.
Okay, bye-bye.
Oh! Mie...
What are you doing here?
- What are you saying? - Come here.
What is it?
- Petter! What has happened? - It's all right. I'm fine.
- But you are... - It's no big deal.
It's tough being a soldier, you know. Tougher than I thought.
But, you think you could look after Mie for me? At least until I recover?
- Of course. Now let me look at you. - No, no. Ooh! Ouch!
It's make-up! Shame on you! You really scared me.
I'm sorry. But I'm desperate.
I have to secretly change her diaper and sneak her into the tent at night.
You only have yourself to blame.
- I can't go on like this. - You can't? What about Mie?
And tonight we have these... Night maneuvers.
Okay. I can look after Mie until I open the shop tomorrow morning.
- But I'm not doing it for your sake! - Of course not. Thanks, Kari.
That's great. And Laila...?
I won't call Laila. But if she calls me, I'm not going to lie to her.
And those night maneuvers...?
Is that the party at the Phoenix club? That half the government is attending?
I've become chummy with the American commander who is in charge of it all.
If I can explain my situation, I may be able to get out of this shit.
- But you'll be back in the morning! - Of course.
And then you don't need to babysit anymore, okay?
Bye, Mie.
Did you make that, sweetheart?
The joint military exercises have run into difficulties.
An unauthorized vessel may have snuck into the waters of Fredrikstad.
- Wow, aren't you looking fancy! - Thanks. I just bought it today.
- I have never seen you that hot-looking. - Aren't we supposed to find a donor?
- Yes. - Then I don't want to discuss it anymore.
Jeez! She looks hot. You're not gonna keep her for long.
Going to an officers' ball to find a donor? You couldn't even make babies.
It took your dad two years to make you.
But had I known what I got I wouldn't had you.
- You were never pleased with me. - Did you ever give me a reason?
- Are you talking to yourself again? - Eh... no.
Well then, let's go.
Hi there. Is the party any fun?
What's this? Oh, please! I'll get burned if you sneak in.
This is the worst thing you could've done! Sorry, sir... These are my men.
Hi there, Petter. Nice to see ya.
- Who are these guys? - They're my friends.
- Ah, they're with me. - Come on, guys.
What about him?
Yeah.
- So how do you like Fredrikstad? - Very much. This is my home town.
- Commodore. - Admiral.
Nice to see you this evening. Hey, Nick! It's been a long time.
- Say hello to Fredriksen. - So what's your position?
- It's... eh... I... - Confidential? Spooky business?
I understand.
There's plenty of talent here!
- Game of billiards, Petter? - I'll go set up the meeting, sir.
Any kids?
One. Why do you ask?
I'm just trying to keep conversation going.
But it's not "peanuts" to have children, you know.
You're a funny guy.
- I like you. - I like you too.
But I don't like... I don't like that...
- I don't like men, you know? - You're married, aren't you?
What do you call it when you live together without being married?
If she's pretty, I'd call it a shame.
What about that one?
He's much too tall.
What about that guy?
You can't be serious.
- Lot of gold you have there. - But that one is my most precious.
I wouldn't trade that for all the medals in the world. You oughta get one.
It's difficult. My girlfriend wants to get married, but...
I spend all my time at work.
You're afraid of commitment, aren't you?
- You love her, right? - Yes.
Well, if it's important to her, it oughta be important to you.
You have to ask him. Otherwise he'll think I actually like him.
I only want to have sex with him.
Admiral? The prime minister is waiting.
You oughta marry that girl.
Admiral?
If we take the flag tomorrow...
If you can take that flag, you can keep it.
How can you ask me that in front of my wife?
This is really difficult. Maybe we should get someone we already know.
Well...
Petter.
- That thing we talked about... - What?
You know... my "problem" at home?
We'd like you to handle it.
Sure, why not? I can handle anything.
That'll be fine...
He said "yes". He didn't even think about it.
Excuse me. Are you the guy who's asking other men to screw his wife?
Is this your wife?
No, eh... We're living together... We call it... eh... "Sambo".
What?!
- What did you call me? - That's what we say in Norway. Sambo.
- Excuse me? - Sambo is not forbidden in Norway.
- What? - But I think it should have been.
There are too many sambos here now. When girls marry they should be white.
What I meant to say was...
You motherfuckers!
- What's the English for "living together"? - Not "sambo"!
That's one of the worst things you can say to a negro.
- What's the worst? - Negro.
They must think we're all racists. You embarrass us all by talking like that.
- I can see why he got angry. - Well, he is from America, you know.
They say "African-American". Like we say "Norwegian-Pakistani".
I just call them "Stanis".
Unless they're from Fredrikstad. Then I call them Fredrik-stanis.
A PUNCH IN THE FACE FOR OUR NATO ALLIANCE
Could you take her for one more night? I didn't get to explain to the Admiral.
- Once we get the flag it's over. - I'm not buying that again.
- Ouch! This isn't make-up. - I know. It's all over the papers.
You tarted her up?
She can't wear the same clothes every day.
- But she's in the battlefield. - All right, Petter. One more day.
But then you have to do me a favor. Anne needs new fuses. They blow all the time.
Oh, right. I promised to fix that electrical stuff.
I'm just going to get my tools.
So long, Mie.
- Anne? It's Petter... Are you at home now? - Yes, why?
Then we can do the thing I talked to Øyvind about. I'll be there in 15 minutes.
But...
Hi, it's me. Petter called and said he's coming over. Did you arrange that?
Now? But, but, but...
I have to get ready. I don't have time to talk right now. Okay? Bye...
Petter, wait. Don't have sex with Anne without me. I mean...
Oh, that came out completely wrong.
I made this deal with my friend -
- to have sex with my girlfriend. But now it's no good, 'cause I need to be there.
Not that I want to watch them but he might do it without me being there.
I don't want him to come too soon.
Well, let's get started, shall we?
Kari gave me some fuses.
You don't like to do it in the dark, do you? Is this where it is?
This is perfect. I can change into my uniform afterwards.
Bet you've seen some sparks fly in here, eh...?
You have to tell him your story. He's in charge.
I must get out, because I asked a friend to sleep with my girlfriend.
But that's not going to work, 'cause I'm here.
It seemed important to Øyvind to get it done.
And Laila doesn't like me doing these things!
No...
He's on his way right now, and I'm not there!
- Mostly blows when the light's off or on? - Mostly it's on...
What was that?
It needs recharging. It's dead, and that won't satisfy us, will it?
You want a second plug in your number 2?
- Is that really necessary? - It's just to get the heat going.
Petter. Don't sleep with Anne. Wait for me.
My girlfriend; Anne...
Petter is going to sleep with her. I'm afraid he's going to come too soon...
And if he comes, before she's ready... And I'm not there...
I'm getting off early!
That should hold it for a while.
You're done already? I tried to call you to make you wait.
Why wait for something like that?
- She passed out. - Did it go all right?
The right tool is half the job, you know.
But... She should cut down on her drinking.
- Come on, we have to go. - Drinking?
I did the same for Edgar's sister. I was going at it for hours.
I almost got burns, you know. Boy, that was tiring.
Petter, that's enough. I don't want to talk about it anymore.
Hey, Edgar. There's no smoking in here.
No. That's over there.
Where have you been?
Did he do something illegal again?
- Never mind. Let's get that flag. - No!
We're awaiting new orders by radio. We have a scheduled call in 2 hours.
- Scheduled call? - We don't know where the other units are.
- They were probably happy to see us go. - But we know where to go. Come on.
I protest!
Helge. You know, the Greatest Men never waited for anybody.
Leadership is not about being led, but leading.
It's about initiative. And courage.
Courage, you know, is the stuff that heroes are made of.
- Have you seen "The Gladiator"? - Yeah, it's neat.
When Caesar was worried about the Roman empire after his death -
- he asked the gladiator if he wanted to become emperor.
- Remember that? - Yes. And he didn't want to.
Then Caesar said: "That's exactly why you have to do it."
Okay, let's go. And that's an order.
- How do you know where to go? - Kai's Dad used to work here, so he knows.
Turn left!
- That gate was never there before. - Because the army was never there before.
- It looks really close! - Yeah, through your scope.
Oh, crap.
- Hi, Laila. - Hi. What are you up to?
- We're on a hike.. - Lovely. Can I talk to Mie?
- She's asleep. - That's really strange.
I just talked to Kari and she had Mie on her lap. In the Edgarage.
I don't know who's lying, but if it's you I feel very sorry for you.
This is exactly what I feared, so I'm on my way home. Let's talk about this later.
She hung up!
- How do we get through the gate? - No problem. Look what we found.
In five minutes this whole thing's going to be over. And then we can go home.
Turn here, Petter. Nobody knows about this back entrance.
Hurry up, guys!
What if they think we're terrorists.
It's pretty obvious what country we're from.
- You stay here and take the pictures. - You guys are nutty, you know that?
- Somebody took our flag. - Yes, sir.
You gotta be shitting me!
You guys... What's with the letters?
Cute.
The Americans were in charge of security.
Bet they didn't expect our Special Forces.
I know it's not our Special Forces. It has to be somebody much better.
- You? - Hel-looo.
Two hours to Seppuku impact.
You! Well, now I really am impressed.
Not only are you better than my mechanics, you also outsmarted my security.
We'd be better off letting guys from Fredrikstad lead the US Navy.
- Sir, the flag. - All right.
Hey! You promised we could keep that flag.
A deal's a deal. Get them out of their handcuffs and let them go home.
I'm sorry, sir. No luck.
- And the turbo guys from SAAB? - Negative, sir.
- What about Munich? - We've been unable to reach them.
Burnett! You can keep the flag. We just needed it to get home.
Petter, you're an honourable guy. Thank you. Go home.
Ladies and gentlemen, are you telling me we are out of options?
Why did you do that? We were gonna hang that flag in the garage!
I do not accept that! Isn't there anybody who can start an engine around here?
Hold it...! Petter, do you know anything about turbines?
Are they impulse or reaction turbines?
- Pelton wheel or Laval? - The impulse one is for water power.
- Yes, heavy steam engines. - But steam is water!
But when it reaches its boiling point...
Partial or reaction is the same principle.
I told you before, Petter...
All right, all right, come with me!
This is the USS Alamo. Pride of the United States Navy.
She collapsed three days ago. We had to drag her in here.
This is a fleet-ballistic submarine. She's a proto type -
- and currently the largest submarine on the planet.
We were hoping to keep her a secret. This is a smart vessel.
She's got a KERN 300 Mark 4, fastest computer in the world.
The problem is that the main frame is in red alert.
Our theory is she's operating as if she's subject to a hostile take-over.
She thinks she's at war. We're trying to convince her that she isn't -
- but as long as the main engine, her heart, isn't beating -
- she's like a patient in a coma.
Sir?
Burnett...
We try communicating with her, but we keep running into our own firewalls.
We need to get her main engine fired up first, and then she'll listen.
It's like my girlfriend. She won't listen. I just wait till she cools down.
Well, we can't wait.
She started the countdown to self-destruction.
- Self-destruction? - It has a suicide missile.
- We call it a Seppuku missile. - Seppu...what?
Seppuku. It's a Japanese word for ritual suicide.
When the Samurais got captured by the enemy, they would commit seppuku -
- so the enemy wouldn't turn them against their friends.
She now thinks she's in enemy hands, so she's going to launch the missile.
Shortly thereafter she's gonna launch all of her other missiles -
- in Korea, Beijing, Kabul, Baghdad, the whole enchilada.
Then the Seppuku will come back, after making a complete U-turn -
- and destroys the ship. Boom!
- What a stupid idea. - Like he said, the sub is a prototype.
We don't think we're gonna use the Seppuku in the next models.
Sir, The White House.
- You said "Boom"? - Boom!
The Seppuku is a small nuclear missile.
The blast will destroy everything within a radius of one kilometer.
Yeah, in a hurry!
The radiation will kill all life within a 20 kilometer radius.
We have two hours to save Fredrikstad. Or to get as far away as possible.
Two hours to Seppuku impact.
How did it stop? The U-boat, I mean.
We found this in the cooling system.
If people only knew the damage this kind of garbage costs us.
I've got every genius from MIT, Harvard, Berkeley, Silicone Valley.
They can hack their way backwards into a toaster in Moscow.
But they can't get their heads around an old-fashioned turbine engine.
What do you say, Petter?
You're our only hope.
I say, we get this baby going!
- Now shall we start this shit up! - That I understand. Start the shit up.
This is a special news report.
A US Nuclear Submarine has become disabled -
- and is now being repaired in dry dock at the former Fredrikstad Ship Yard.
Norwegian authorities had no knowledge of a nuclear sub being involved -
- in the NATO exercise. There has been speculation -
- that the escalation of the exercise was a cover to keep the submarine a secret.
- Our reporter is on the spot. - Yes, I'm here at the old shipyard.
Or "The Yard", as they call it down here.
The entire area is sealed off.
All we know is that the Americans aren't able to repair the submarine themselves.
Therefore they have engaged six local mechanics.
Mr. Tandberg, expert on space and missile technology...
Is it possible that the Americans have been training these "agents" secretly?
It's possible.
These six men from Fredrikstad are unknown in professional missile circles.
Guys, these suits are so-called Haz-Mat suits. It means "hazardous material."
They were designed by US Navy as protection against radiation.
A pressure system keeps contaminated particles out.
If you open the suits, the pressure will disappear.
Your exposure limit is six hours.
But, if you haven't done the job before that, we're doomed anyway -
- and it doesn't matter if your dick will fall off.
For some strange reason, a lot of press showed up right after your arrival.
Somebody must have alerted them.
You didn't call the newspaper's hot line, did you?
Sir, they're dressed and ready to enter the sub.
- Good. - Come on, move it!
Hi, honey. So you're here with Kari?
Yes.
Daddy has been a bit foolish lately.
I've been caught up with a bunch of unimportant things.
There was never really any rush with you...
We were going to be together for the rest of our lives.
And all of a sudden daddy realized that...
Maybe the rest of our lives is right now.
And daddy promises that nothing will ever be more important than you from now on.
Daddy just has to fix something first.
Daddy...
- The admiral has great trust in you. - I'm not doing this for the admiral.
Let's go.
- The world's biggest atomic sub. - Wow, how many atoms does it have?
I don't need to be here. They're mechanics, I'm a warrior.
Okay, gentlemen. Welcome to Sherwood Forest.
We've located the problem near the heat exchanger.
We've sealed off the area to prevent radiation and contaminated debris.
- What's this? - It's one of our Tridents.
Atom bomb.
Once you walk through that air-lock, you're on your own.
Countdown is T -85 minutes and counting. You stay here in case they need something.
And no smoking in here.
Godspeed.
- Are we taking a shower? - It's a pressure chamber, Edgar.
Oh, shit!
This doesn't look like anything we've ever worked on.
- Hurry up. - This is a tough one, guys.
I'll take a round. Check things out, you know.
Guys, you're now right below the missiles.
Whatever you do, make it small.
It's no wonder she's not getting any cooling. What's the pressure?
It's 15. She can take a little more.
I can give you more, if I make a by-pass on this tube.
- Do it. - Is that a good idea?
- Can you see a reaction? 16... - Increase the pressure a bit.
- 17... 18. - I hope they know what they're doing.
- What the hell does PSI stand for? - The tubes can take a lot more.
They're increasing the pressure below the Tridents. Make sure they're sealed.
18,2... 18,4... 18,6...
- Approaching 20. - Isn't that too much?
There. That oughta do it!
Oh, hell...!
Fire! Fire!
This stuff makes me nervous.
Guys, that was a little too close.
- Petter, it's starting to leak here. - Don't think the problem is located here.
- What do you mean, Petter? - Look here!
There shouldn't be hydraulic oil here.
I see...
Yes, sir!
Guys, we're going to the next level. Pentagon doesn't want any more risks.
Evacuate all unnecessary personnel. They don't seem to trust these guys.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.
Can you see anything? Kai, bring me the lamp!
When we added pressure it caused leakage.
But that's only the symptom not the problem.
I'm pretty sure the problem is somewhere else. If it's like other engines.
Oh...!
Guys, I think the problem is right here!
Petter, where are you?
She's a DEFCON 1 now, sir.
- Øyvind! - Yes?
- I need some tools. - Which ones?
Large water pump pliers!
They're moving over to the next chamber.
It's getting warm here... Or cold.
Here you are, Petter.
We gotta jump-start the entire system.
We should try the turbinator from the dragster.
- Are you crazy? - You must be nuts...
- It fits perfectly! - I'd go for something else.
What would you go for, Øyvind?
Freddy, go get it!
Check this... The turbinator is perfect. We connect it here...
It's like an electronic enema!
Guys, we're evacuating whoever we can.
It's up to you. No one will blame you, if you want to cop out at this point.
You looked in the wrong place.
- I need to go to the Edgarage. - We need to go to the Edgarage.
I think I can fix it. We just need a part from the Edgarage.
Things go better with Petter.
- What do you need? - I need to get to the Edgarage.
Take the chopper.
Not that chopper. I meant the helicopter.
- Are you that guy's commanding officer? - Yes, sir.
- You. - Sir.
This officer is responsible for that man's positive ID, when he returns.
We don't need any delays now.
I'm responsible. Do you hear me, soldier?
I'm responsible.
Responsible.
It's time, sir.
Initiate evacuation now!
All personnel. Evacuation immediately.
Immediate evacuation. Attention, attention...
Guys!
They're evacuating the entire town.
Get me a drill!
Attention, attention! This is not a drill! This is not a drill.
I repeat: This is not a drill.
Things are obviously not going according to plan here.
All unnecessary personnel and the entire town is being evacuated.
Because of Petter we had to cut our holiday short! He's so irresponsible!
Mom... You've been complaining all the way from Gothenburg. Can you give it a rest?
This is Radio Fredrikstad with an important announcement.
We have an important message to people in the Fredrikstad area. Repeat...
I can't stand the radio these days. Nothing but bad news.
It appears that the sub is equipped to self-destruct.
The blast and accompanying radiation would devastate the entire area.
What's worse? Die in here, or live knowing that Anne slept with my best friend?
- Who's that? - You!
Me? I'm glad you think of me as your best friend, but...
- What the hell are you talking about? - You slept with Anne, didn't you?
- When I came home, and you were leaving. - When I fixed the fuse box?
- The fuse box? - Yes. Like you asked me to do.
I repaired your electric wiring.
Anne could have told you, but she was too drunk!
I thought you...
Take it easy! It was no big deal! Relax!
A nuclear submarine is collapsed, and it's out of control.
The missiles are ready to launch, and six local mechanics -
- from an establishment called the Edgarage...
... after some trash got stuck in its cooling system.
Will the world come to an end because of a trashy tabloid...
Ironically, they seem to be the world's only hope.
The future of mankind is resting on my shoulders. Well, ours actually...
Mie, of course! Yes!
As you can see, the town is being evacuated due to the emergency situation.
- Help me, we're running out of time! - What's taking Freddy so long?
Look at all those people! Has there been a soccer match?
You have to turn around. The town is being evacuated.
Laila!
You have reached the point of no return. You must leave the premises.
- Admiral! - Talk to me, Petter.
- I want you to take my daughter away. - That's' already being arranged, Petter.
Anyone else?
Edgar. I want you and Kari to take care of Mie.
Should anything happen to me,-
- you guys must look after her, till Laila comes back.
I'll do a much better job if I know that Mie is safe with you.
Is there any news on Freddy?
Petter, your daughter has left the area. She's gonna be safe.
Nine minutes to Seppuku impact.
- Hey you! You have no access here. - I have to get inside.
- Who's your superior officer? - Do you really have to talk to him?
- Lieutenant Halvorsen. - Hold on. Bravo 3, respond security.
I'm responsible, guys. I'm responsible.
Yes... Yes, he's here.
- Sir, it's for you. - Halvorsen.
- Are you expecting a guy in a boat? - No!
The guy we're waiting for left on a motorbike.
He wouldn't return in boat, would he?
- Copy that. - I have to go inside with this thing.
A bomb!
Freeze!
Cease fire!
Who the hell is that?
Is that one of the boys?
10... 9... 8...
She's launching the Seppuku.
Launching!
God help us all!
Darn...!
- How come you came that way? - I've got it! I'm coming!
- Øyvind. Careful, now. - Take it!
- Well, come on! Here it is! - Have you got it?
Don't loose it.
- Goddamn it! - What are you doing?
Warning! Human activity. All missiles activated and ready to launch.
Don't ruin the threads... Careful now!
- What the hell happened now? - Come on, little turbinator!
- I told you it was risky. - Now I got really nervous.
Sir! She's communicating!
Disarm the missiles.
All missiles deactivated.
Hey! Freddy! Anything else you want me to do?
Just another day at the Edgarage.
Guys. We got some good news and bad news.
The good news is you stopped all the missiles and disarmed the Seppuku.
The bad news is it's still heading for us at a speed of about Mach 1. So...
Run!
Guys, what's happening down there? Guys, answer me!
Look!
Admiral. Now I want to see my daughter.
The cheering is unbelievable! There is incredible elation.
This is better than Norway winning the World Cup!
I am Magnus Brenna-Lund, NRK, Fredrikstad...
We're talking about an optical homing system -
- programmed to hit below water level.
And because the sub was dry-docked, the system probably got confused.
Anne!
When Petter came to sleep with you, he didn't do it after all.
You were so drunk, he had to handle it all by himself.
Did you knock that thing over, Petter?
Do you want to marry me?
- Yes. With that one? - Yes, it's a 24 millimeter.
Hold it...! Hold it.
The admiral wanted you to have this.
You are no. 2 in traffic after an in-coming Cessna.
This is Air Force One. We request permission to land now at Rygge airport.
Air Force...? Listen, and this time I repeat:
If you are Air Force One, I am...
Cool.
But... where is Miss PowerTool?
Oh, great...
- Here it is. - So you found it.
Yes, at the front desk. Someone assembled it.
- New spark plugs, maybe? - No, that wasn't necessary.
It looks good.
All the men are here.
You guys should really get yourself a new coffee machine.
Didn't I say so?
Ooh, doggie... Don't go in there.
Hey! I know you.
You're the reason we have a new saying in The White House.
"Things go better with Petter."
I know you all are wondering why we got a... uh... a...
... nuclear sub out there in the water.
It's because we wanna keep the world peace.
Don't worry about world peace. That's my job.
And I'm not worried about it.
I just wanted to come and thank you personally -
- and tell you how much I appreciate you...
You know my Secret Service agent O'Connor here, she Norwegian.
Speaks the language and everything and taught me a wonderful saying -
- about a fisherman's love for fish, and I wanna share it with you.
Suck me backwards through a fish's a-h...
No?
Oh, all right. I guess we're done. Look, tell you what...
You folks take care of that flag from Iwo Jima for me, won't you?
Mr. President, we want you to have this flag.
Look at that. Fredrikstad Football Club. That's fantastic.
Mr. President, the photographer is ready.
How about a picture? Let's go.
They put a lawn in here!
Hey, I don't want the world to think you guys did this all on your own.
Closer together...
Welcome to The White House.
- Hurry up now, Petter. - 12 millimeter!
Thank you, darling.
Get the car out here!
The Norwegians fared better today. And here we can see why.
A new crew-member with shorter legs.
English subtitles: John Graham, Jim Jennewein, Marc Shelton, -
- Paal Sparre-Enger and Harald Zwart.