♪♪
I'm very honored to be invited to this.
It's a show with all female comics.
How often have I been the only woman on a comedy show?
Always.
I created "Women of a Certain Age Comedy"
so people could see funny women.
And these five?
Wow.
Just wow.
(scraping)
♪♪
I have loved Fran Drescher since "The Nanny."
She is my generation's Lucy.
(cheers and applause)
(laughing)
Oh, thank you!
Hello, Brooklyn!
(cheering continues)
Oh, I'll tell ya.
I was so excited when Showtime invited me to be part
of this special with all these great standup comics.
(cheering)
Till I realized it was called "Women of a Certain Age."
(laughter)
So I guess that means I am one.
(laughter)
Well, I don't see myself as a woman of a certain age.
But then again, I don't see my ass in broad daylight, either.
(laughter)
And I did turn 60...
(cheering)
Stop. I'm not doing the birthdays anymore.
When you consider a 50 year old
a younger man...
(laughter)
...what's to celebrate?
And I'm done with the birthday presents, too.
I mean, okay, granted;
I know that I'm difficult to shop for.
But somebody actually gave me a baby elephant.
A real one.
An orphan in Africa, at a rescue.
I mean, they send me updates and pictures
of this little girl Shoo-Shoo.
And I gotta tell ya, it's given me nothing but stress.
I'm very worried about her.
Is she eating? Does she have elephant friends?
Do the other elephants even like her?
Who needed this?
If I wanted a baby elephant,
I would have had one in my 20s.
(laughter)
Then another friend...
"friend..."
gives me a gift certificate-- are you ready for this--
at a bathing suit store.
Really?
What kind of a passive-aggressive gesture is that?
"Here's your gift, and you're stuck."
I did not wear a bathing suit
through my entire second marriage.
(laughter)
She would have been better off buying me a burqa.
(laughter)
But I had the gift certificate,
so I decided to go to the store-- begrudgingly.
37 excruciating minutes later, in the dressing room,
I amazingly find something that was kind of cute.
Palazzo pants.
(laughter)
And it was my gay ex-husband Peter who picked them out.
(cheering)
Yeah, I got a gay ex-husband.
Do you? No? (laughter)
It's good. It's good.
People always say to me, "How did you not know?"
We were having a lot of sex.
How the hell did I know he was fantasizing about
the waiter at Olive Garden?
(laughter)
I think the thing is, though, I have no "gaydar."
Because, honestly, the handwriting was on the wall.
Shortly after we were married,
we both agreed to give each other
one free pass,
should the, you know, celebrity of our dreams
want to have sex with us.
He picked Cher.
(laughter)
And I picked... Bruce Jenner.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
Peter had opinions about my hair, my makeup, my clothes.
He especially liked me in very high heels.
Which later I found out is a phallic symbol.
So now he's gay and I got bunions.
(laughter)
When we were doing "The Nanny,"
everybody said that I was a gay icon.
But when Peter came out,
that's when I was elevated to Judy Garland status.
(cheers and applause)
Needless to say, we split up
but are happily divorced.
So there I was, single, ready to mingle,
and as fate would have it,
I get diagnosed with cancer.
Can you believe it took me two years and eight doctors
to get a proper diagnosis with uterine cancer?
I got in the stirrups more times than Django.
(laughter)
And every doctor had a different solution for my symptoms.
Leg pain? Oh, drink gin and tonics before going to bed.
Stool change? Stop eating so much spinach.
Hard breasts?
You got the tits of an 18 year old.
Which I do, by the way.
(cheering)
But there I was with perky breasts, in need of roughage,
going to bed sloshed
in some vain attempt to cure myself.
(laughter)
Doctor number eight said,
"You need an endometrial biopsy,"
but doctor number one said I was too young for that.
And I didn't ask what it was for,
'cause I was just thrilled to be too young for anything.
(laughter)
Three days later, they said I had cancer
and I needed a hysterectomy.
Oh, my God! I can't even tell you.
When I came home from the hospital,
I was so depressed and so weak.
I remember looking at myself in front of the mirror, naked,
at my misshapen, swollen, black and blue abdomen
wondering, "Who is this woman in the reflection?"
I had always been everyone else's caregiver.
I was the shctarka, I was the super woman.
Well, just so happens, on that day,
Cousin Susan was coming for lunch.
Mom prepared a beautiful spread
and we all sat around the dining room table to eat.
Susan was talking a mile a minute,
and suddenly she starts choking on her food.
Well, I immediately jumped on my feet,
got behind her and started doing the Heimlich Maneuver.
My dad, who rarely comes up for air
when there's food placed in front of him...
(laughter)
...suddenly said, "She's choking!"
And my mom, in a voice not unlike my own,
says, "Don't rip your stitches."
(laughter)
Every time I did the maneuver,
Cousin Susan's glass of white wine--
which she still had in her hand--
went splashing across the room.
When suddenly, miraculously,
this tiny piece of regurgitated poultry
pops out of her mouth
and lands on the floor.
Well, we all gathered around to look at it.
(laughter)
Mom bent down with a big white napkin
and picked it up and said,
"It's not even that big."
(laughter)
And Cousin Susan-- still gasping for breath--
said, "Fran, you saved my life!"
And I really did save her life.
But in an unexpected way,
on that day,
Cousin Susan saved mine.
Because that was the moment I was beginning to feel
like my old self again.
(cheers and applause)
Fast forward-- I'm a survivor.
(cheering) I founded... Thank you.
I founded CancerSchmancer.org,
I'm middle-aged, I'm single, and I'm ready to date again.
I find myself in bed with a younger guy.
(cheering)
Out of the blue the dude says to me,
"When did you quit smoking?"
And I'm thinking, that's a funny thing to say.
Then it occurs to me.
He's looking at my estrogen patch,
and thinking it's for nicotine.
(laughter)
Now I'm wondering
what's more of a turn-off?
Smoking or menopause?
(laughter)
So I say to him, "It's only been three months,
and it's very hard."
(laughter)
(cheering)
We had great sex, then he jumped on a skateboard
and I never saw him again.
(laughter)
Oh, I'll tell ya, this whole aging thing
is for the birds.
Yesterday, I could not remember the word "asparagus."
(laughter)
Now, when I couldn't remember a word when I was in my 40s,
I would joke about it and say,
"Oh! I'm having a senior moment."
Now it's no joke.
(laughter)
And that's not the worst of it.
All of a sudden my rings don't fit.
My shoes are tight.
So my girlfriend says to me,
"Oh, well, you know, parts of your body
keep growing as you get older."
Wait a minute, what?
"Yeah, didn't you know?
"Your hands, your feet,
"your nose, your ears.
they all keep getting bigger as you age."
That's sexy.
(laughter)
'Cause, you know, there's a million guys out there
wanting to sleep with a hobbit.
(laughter)
Oh, I could kill Peter for turning gay.
(laughter)
Meanwhile, neither of us have anyone.
Watch. We'll end up back together,
and should we ever wanna have sex,
we only have to hire one guy.
(laughter)
(cheering)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
You've been a great audience.
(cheering) Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Good night!
(cheering continues)
♪♪
Carol Montgomery is a boss in my book,
'cause she's been around as long as I have.
I'm not a woman in comedy,
I'm a human being in comedy.
I never realized I was a woman
until I walked into a comedy club to audition,
and all the male comics were just looking at me like,
"Well, who's this?" You know what?
I don't have to prove to you how big my dick is.
It's bigger than all of yours.
(cheers and applause)
♪♪
I'm back, Brooklyn.
(cheering continues)
I, uh, I recently turned 60 a few months ago, and--
thank you, thank you very much.
Uh, and I know the young women who are in the crowd,
they're looking like,
"Wow, you look so good for your age.
What's the skin regimen, you know?"
Semen.
(laughter)
Yes. As much as you can.
(cheering)
See, every guy with a date right now
just looked at the woman and went,
"I told you."
But I gotta tell you-- So in show business,
you're not supposed to talk about your age.
But you know what? Fuck that.
I'm talking about my age. You know why?
(cheering) Thank you. Thank you.
'Cause this is 60, people!
This is what a 60 year old woman looks like, okay?
(cheers and applause)
This is my real face.
These are my real tits.
I am wearing shape wear, though, 'cause I have a muffin top.
And I don't wanna kill the 12-year-old
that's right here in the front row.
(laughter)
But you know, I remember when a woman turned 60
when I was younger,
that was when maybe they got a little nip and tuck.
Right? Right?
Now, women are doing this in their 30s.
Isn't that fucked up?
(women) Yes. And you know what it is?
It's this celebrity-driven culture that we live in.
In fact, I blame the biggest celebrity of all time for this shit.
I blame Madonna.
(scattered laughter, groaning)
(laughter)
She's had work done, people.
(laughter)
Yeah.
She's my age and she's Italian.
She should have a full fucking beard by now.
(laughter)
Please.
So I know it's a mixed crowd.
I wanna see-- so where are my people?
50 and up. Clap if you're 50 and up.
(cheering) Yes, okay, good.
Nice, nice.
(woman cheers)
Where are the 30s and 40s?
(cheering)
Where are the 20s?
(cheering)
Shut the fuck up.
(laughter)
You notice something?
There's more older people than them.
I say we kill them and drink their blood.
(laughter)
How old are you, young lady? 22.
God bless you. (laughter)
I have bras older than you, you little bitch.
But it's okay. You're adorable.
Can I give you advice, though?
Okay. Um, if you think your parents fucked you up mentally,
wait till genetics come into play.
(laughter)
(cheering)
See, I look good on the outside.
My insides are falling to shit.
My insides look like the end of "Avengers: Infinity War."
(laughter)
All dust.
And really, what I mean by that is--
Okay, so all the women know what the Kegel muscle is, correct?
(cheering) Okay, right.
Yeah, you're all squeezing it right now, aren't you?
(laughter)
The Kegel muscle is the muscles of the pelvic wall.
They keep everything up.
And when you have a child, they tell you to do your Kegels,
which I did all those years ago.
He didn't tell me I had to do them the rest of my life.
You know what happens when you turns 60
and you don't do your Kegels?
Um, things start to fall out of your fucking vagina.
(laughter)
I found a watch and and old map of LA.
(laughter)
And a beta tape of "Miami Vice."
I don't know what that was doing up there.
I just don't know really why...
So beautiful.
So jealous. So perky, you're moist.
(laughter)
Gone.
Like the Sahara Desert down there, people.
Tumbleweeds go by my pussy.
Um... (laughter)
It looks like a spaghetti western, so...
But that's not the worst part of aging.
Here's the worst part. Every time I sneeze, I pee.
(laughter)
That's the only time I get wet,
is when I'm sneezing on myself.
(laughter)
My husband wants to get me in the mood,
he throws pepper in my face.
(laughter)
Enjoy 22.
But here's the deal, okay.
It sucks when men get-- when they get older, too.
Right, sir?
(laughter)
Have your balls fall again?
You know they fall twice, right?
They fall when they're 13.
Bing! Adorable!
But they fall again at 50.
It's like, "padoom!"
(laughter)
So the day my husband turns 50,
I hear him in the bathroom and he's yelling for me,
"Carol!
Something's tugging from behind!"
(laughter)
I walked in, I'm like, "Honey,
you are Swiffering the bathroom floor with your nuts."
(laughter)
So you gotta picture this. So his balls are down here.
My tits are down there.
When we fuck, you can poke an eye out.
(laughter)
One time we killed the dog.
In the neighbor's yard.
(laughter)
And just for the young people:
old people fuck, so get over it, okay?
Right, old people? Are we still having sex?
(cheering)
Some of you can't raise your hand
'cause you're so tired.
I get it. All right.
(laughter)
The difference between, like, young people sex
and old people sex is that young people have stamina,
so you can go for hours, four or five hours.
Not old people.
Four or five minutes, we're done.
You do ten minutes, you could die.
(laughter)
You do 20 and it's humid, it's like, "I have a cramp!
I have a cramp!"
(laughter)
"I need a banana."
(laughter)
"Not your penis. I need a real fucking banana, asshole.
A real one."
You can't even use oils.
You can slip off the bed and break a fucking hip.
You can't do that shit.
Because you just look better when you're young.
So when young people are having sex,
they glisten, you know?
Rainbows shoot out of their ass.
Well, Skittles, 'cause they're young, but...
But when old people have sex, um, it's ugly.
Let's just be honest, okay?
You're sweating and the makeup is running
and the pussy farts are happening.
(laughter)
That's always embarrassing, isn't it?
It's always right before you cum.
You're like, "Oh, baby..." (blows raspberry)
"What was that?" (laughter)
Then the penis falls out. You have to put it back in.
Right? We do.
This is all stuff you're learning, honey.
You're learning.
We have to put it back in.
Can't let the fucking men put it back in.
'Cause they're delirious while they're fucking.
They don't know what the hell's going on.
Their dick falls out, they're like, "Ahh!
It's cold out! Put it in somewhere!"
(laughter)
Don't let him put it back--
No matter what he says, do not do it.
And guys, we will fall for that shit once.
You know what I'm talking about, 'cause it falls out
and the guys goes, "Let me do it."
And you're like, "All right, honey.
Wrong one. Wrong one!"
(laughter)
Now, I gotta tell ya.
I've been married for almost 40 years,
and every anniversary my husband goes,
"Hey, baby, some tequila?"
What part of "Fucking no" did you not get there?
It is never happening to me.
The day my husband gets to do that to me
is they day I get to strap one on and give it right back to him.
That's what I say. (cheering)
Say my name, bitch.
(laughter)
Let me pull your hair.
Whooo!
(applause)
(woman) Yeah! See?
The women love that joke, right?
(cheering)
Every man's asshole just went "tkkkt!"
(laughter)
I gotta tell you, the best thing about aging,
I have to say about being 60 now,
is I don't have to worry about getting pregnant anymore.
'Cause, like I mentioned
there's dust, nothing there.
I was so paranoid when I was young
'cause I didn't wanna get pregnant,
so I was choosing the diaphragm, I was on the pill,
I wrapped my husband's dick in a fucking Hefty bag.
I mean, whatever I had to do.
And I used to use the diaphragm--
and this is where I really age myself,
'cause the older women know what the diaphragm is, correct?
Yeah? Yeah. (scattered vocalization)
Yeah, the young women are like,
"Is that like a Blackberry?"
(laughter)
"Are there apps on the diaphragm?"
(laughter)
"Can I get to Facebook on the diaphragm?"
(laughter)
"Nope. Just MySpace."
For the young people that don't know what the diaphragm is,
it's a round rubber device that the woman puts inside of her.
It acts like a force field for sperm,
if there's any, uh, Trekkies in the room.
(scattered laughter) (person cheers)
Yeah, who am I kidding? Trekkies don't get laid.
Okay, stop. So anyway.
(laughter) But it's very big,
and the place you need to put it in is very small.
So to get it inside ya, ya kinda have to know origami.
(laughter)
So follow me. You got one leg on the tub,
try to do the origami.
By the time you actually get it inside ya,
you don't have to fuck anymore.
You've been playing with yourself for 40 minutes.
(laughter)
You literally walk out of the bathroom going,
"I'm good, honey. I'm going to bed."
(laughter)
"Magazines are under the counter. I love you ."
No one uses the diaphragm anymore.
I think they should retire the diaphragm;
put it somewhere nice, like the Smithsonian. Right?
Next time you're in DC, you're walking through the Smithsonian.
(gasping) "Look at the ancient feminist artifact."
(laughter)
"Oh, look! Right next to the hairy vagina."
(laughter)
I'm not even gonna fucking ask you.
(laughter)
I don't know if the older women know what's going on
with the younger women,
but all the younger women are shaving their shit.
Okay? Who's doing that?
(woman) Waxing. Wax-- Look at her.
"We're waxing." (laughter)
"We don't shave.
How bourgeoisie."
(laughter)
I-- My husband, years ago,
wanted me to shave it into a little heart.
And I was like, "Tie your dick into a square knot first."
(laughter)
(cheering)
So after it grew back...
(scattered laughter)
Of course I did it.
I spent the entire week going,
"This is so fucking stupid."
(laughter)
I didn't mean to touch myself in front of you, honey.
I'm so sorry, I...
Send me the therapy bill. So anyway.
But I asked this young lady, I said to her, I said,
"I wanna know. It's now a putdown.
I just wanna know why you do that."
And, uh, she says,
"It's prettier,
and it's cleaner, to do it that way ."
I said, "I understand, 'cause you're, like, 23 years old."
If I did it as a 60-year-old woman,
um, it would look like a really sad basset hound.
(laughter)
Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
You've been amazing. Thank you.
(cheering)
♪♪
Vanessa's my heart.
The hardest working comedian I know.
Back in the day, I would always have clothes
that I would get tired of,
and Vanessa would call me and say,
"I like the shirt you wore tonight.
If you're tired of it, let me know."
(cheers and applause)
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, you guys look awesome.
It's so great to be in Brooklyn. Everyone's looking good.
(cheering) Looking hot.
I live in Chelsea.
I live in the safest area of New York, if you're a woman,
because everyone is gay.
(laughter)
I could be drunk and naked,
someone would find me and be like,
"Oh, my God!
"We've gotta get you home,
and you need to do crunches."
(laughter)
And the trans are looking really hot.
I gotta look more trans, you know?
And it's confusing.
You've got transgender, trans liquid, trans neutral,
trans marginal, trans fat.
I'm starting to become translucent.
I'm blending into the gayness.
This is the hardest thing I've held in my hands
in months, people, okay?
Just work with me. It's been a while.
(laughter)
And I'm looking at you guys, you're looking good.
I'm from-- this is the Brooklyn hipster--
the big, long beard, I'm done.
Can we stop this, please?
Every guy in Brooklyn looks like a Viking on a bicycle.
(laughter) Really!
Do I look like I wanna date an apostle?
Like, when did looking like a Biblical figure
become a hot look, right?
Every time I go to a restaurant in Brooklyn,
I feel like I crashed the Last Supper.
(laughter) (woman cheers)
My ex-boyfriend, he grew his hair and his beard.
I'm on my way to meet him and his friends in a restaurant.
They're breaking the bread, they're drinking the wine,
everything starts to go in slow motion.
I'm like, did I die?
(laughter)
Am I having an out of body experience?
And I'm hearing him say, "You're free, and I'm Jesus."
But what he was really saying was, "I'm gonna get shitfaced.
Here's the keys to the Prius."
(laughter)
And I'm understanding with the big, long beards.
You know, it might be religious reasons.
Maybe you went to India to go find yourself;
let go of ego, let go of your looks.
Maybe you escaped an insane asylum.
But this long thing?
I mean, ladies, we don't grow our armpit hair out, do we?
Huh? What about our pubic hair?
We got those hanging out?
We'd be a sight at the beach.
Be like, "Hey, come over here you Moses-looking love god.
I want you to come part the seas."
(laughter)
"And if you're good, I'll show you my burning bush."
(laughter)
And I asked my ex, I'm like,
"Why is your beard this long?"
And it had, like, egg in it.
(laughter)
And a chess piece.
And he goes, uh,
"I get lazy."
(laughter)
I'm like, "Lazy?" I'm like,
"Do you know what I do to look good for you?
Do you know what women do to look beautiful for men?"
(cheering) Do you know what we do?
We wax, we tweeze, we pluck,
we take Juvederm, we take Botox,
we take Reslin.
We shoot it into our lips...
(indistinct)
(laughter)
We bleach our hair, we bleach our skin,
we bleach our anus.
Anyone hear of this anal bleaching?
I don't even know the last time I looked at my own vagina,
but let me add this of my list of crap to do
to look beautiful for you.
(laughter)
We starve ourselves to death
so we can have that thigh gap, and be a double zero.
And then we get the fat-- we get it sucked out of our stomach,
our thighs and our back.
We get it stuck into our ass.
We get nose jobs, breast jobs,
full body jobs,
eye lifts, brow lifts.
We hold down three jobs,
and we'll throw in a blowjob just to pay for this stuff.
(cheering)
And you can't pick up a weed whacker
and hack a little bit of your beard off?
(laughter)
Just, uh...
Just saying, I don't like the really long beards.
You know...
Yours is perfect. You're good.
(laughter)
He's well trained.
And you know, when you get older,
they always jack up the price of face cream.
I went to this one store, they had the face cream
that rhymes with, like, "fairy."
Okay, figure it out.
It was $800 a jar.
I said to the woman, I'm like, "What's in this stuff? "
She goes... (Russian accent) "It's very secret ingredient
from the Dead Sea."
I'm like, "What is it, the actual Dead Sea Scrolls?"
(laughter)
What, did you suck the collagen out of a toddler's ass?
Is it Marilyn Monroe's, you know, cremated ashes?
Is it unicorn horns?
For $800, I could pay a guy to say,
"You look 18."
(laughter)
There'd be money left for shoes, nice dinner.
You know what I say? I don't buy into any of this.
I say get any kind of face cream you want,
take the cream, put it directly in your eyes...
(laughter)
It causes temporary blindness. You can't see the lines.
You know? It's like a miracle blur.
And I'm horrible with technology.
I'm telling you, I wish I woulda had kids.
But I hate children.
(laughter)
That's not really true. You know what?
I'm actually in the process of adopting an Indian kid
so I can figure out how to work my cell phone.
(laughter) Really.
I will take Vishnu and Krishna as my God
if you can bring me into the 21st century.
I actually locked myself out of my own phone
with that cell phone thumb recognition, right?
I had to bribe a seven-year-old in a school yard.
I'm like, "Listen, I'll give you 20 bucks and a juice box.
You can unlock me."
(laughter) Takes him five seconds.
He hands the phone back to me. He goes,
"It's not a toy."
(laughter)
And I feel sorry for young people,
'cause I feel like the whole world has gotten greedy, right?
When I was a kid, I was taught to share.
I would teach, like, greed to kindergarten kids
to prepare them for this brave new world.
Anyone scared about the world?
(applause) Right?
I'd be like, "Hey, kids, we're gonna pay a fun game.
It's called Duck or Get Ducked, With an F."
(laughter)
"Now, Johnny, you have two Fruit Rollups. Why?"
"Well, my mom says I should share."
"Well, your mom is stupid.
"I want you to hold on to those Fruit Rollups,
and I want you to steal all of Sally's cookies."
"But that's mean." "No, Johnny, that's America."
(laughter)
"And, Sally, I want you to stop crying
"'cause I want you to go into Timmy's book bag
"and take some of his Adderall.
Not all of it, 'cause he needs to focus."
(laughter)
"But enough to kill your appetite.
"Wash it down with a chocolate milk,
"and sell the remainder of pills to Donna
when you call her a lazy, fat pig."
(laughter)
"But Donna's my best friend."
"No, kids; cold, hard cash his your best friend.
"You got that? With a C.
"Cold, hard cash.
"Now, I want you to learn all these skills,
"otherwise you're gonna wind up with a student loan debt
"that you're never gonna be able to pay;
"with some useless college degrees
"that you're never gonna be able to use;
"working at some electronics sweat shop;
"living on your parents' couch;
"addicted to marijuana brownies and video games;
waiting to die."
(cheering and laughing)
Just want to...
(cheering continues)
I just want to throw it out,
I'm available for children's parties.
(laughter)
And teachers, they gotta start getting paid better.
I'm telling you. (cheering)
I'm telling you, right?
I loved my teachers.
If I didn't sleep with my philosophy teacher,
I never would have graduated.
(laughter)
I had to take a D to get an A, all right?
(cheering)
That was before the Me Too movement.
Now I'm the woman you see before you.
And you guys, man, I feel bad,
but you don't know how to compliment a woman.
It's like you don't know.
It's like, "Am I gonna get arrested?
Am I gonna get laid?"
"What are you in for?"
"I told her she had nice shoes, she said she didn't feel safe."
(laughter)
"Well, did you know her?" "Yeah, she's my fiancée."
(laughter)
I'm in between husbands, I wanna-- okay, so.
So anyway, my last boyfriend was German.
I like the foreign guys.
And you know how beautiful and romantic that language is.
(laughter)
We're newly together, in the height of passion,
we're making love and he's really getting into it.
He's like, "Ja! Ja!"
(speaking German)
I felt like I was with the Terminator.
(laughter) It's like...
(German accent) "I will intercourse you to death,
"and then I will be back to make you cry like a girly man.
Ja! Ja!"
Now, my friends loved him 'cause he was so industrious,
'cause he was German.
He was like, "I noticed your friend's son
"does not have a swing set.
"Ja, ja. So what I did was take all the aluminum
"from all the beers I drank this afternoon,
und a made a swing set for him. Ja! Ja!"
(laughter)
I'm like, "Maybe you're drinking a lot of beer?"
"Nein! I am German. My body's built like a Brita filter.
"It goes in as the pure alcohol,
"it comes out as the fresh water.
Perhaps you'd like to try some?"
(laughter)
I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Then he wanted to spice things up in the bedroom.
He was like, "So, maybe perhaps together
we'll watch the porn, ja?"
Now I'm a good sport. I'll watch a little porn.
You ever watch a little porn?
But that hardcore stuff? You seen some hardcore?
Come on. What do you do?
You've seen a little... (laughter)
Every time a guy looks to the side, he's seen it.
I'm sorry.
'Cause women, we see softcore.
We don't even take it seriously. You've seen some porn, right?
It's always some silly storyline like,
"I wonder why the pizza guy is so late?"
(laughter)
And then the pizza guy shows up with that bad porn music.
♪♪ (humming porn music)
(laughter)
Or maybe it takes place in a Parisian hotel
late at night, the sun's setting.
You can make out the woman's breasts.
She's wearing a sexy negligee.
You hear French music in the background
to set the tone.
♪♪ (humming romantic French music)
(laughter)
And maybe it's a complicated storyline,
like she can't get the window to open, you know?
Something that sucks you into the drama.
(grunting)
(laughter)
(French accent) "I do not know what the problem is.
"I cannot seem to get the window to open!
"Oh, it's hot!
Oh, so hot!"
(laughter)
"I want to take my clothes and throw them out the window!"
(laughter)
"Let me call the maintenance man.
Pierre. He's so sexy."
Then Pierre shows up, he's all French and hunky.
He's, like, wearing a thong and a hammer...
(laughter)
(French accent) "Ma cherie, what seems to be the problem?"
She's like, "I do not know.
I cannot seem to get the window to open up."
(laughter)
"It's so hot. Maybe you can open the window?
I will watch."
(laughter)
"Oh, ma cherie, I will fix this broken window
"and I will fix your broken heart.
"I'm so in love with you.
Marry me. You're so beautiful."
The credits, the music.
♪♪ (humming romantic French music)
It's nice.
(laughter) Nice.
(cheering) That's the stuff we like.
I saw the hardcore version of this film,
and I'm still recovering.
It's like, "Hey, I see that your window's a little busted.
Let me fix that for ya."
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "You like that?"
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "I'll show you a baguette."
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "You like that?"
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "Don't fall out!"
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "You like that?"
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "Yeah, baby!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" Bam, bam, bam, bam!
"You like it? You like it? You like it?"
Bam, bam, bam, bam! "Come on!"
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
(cheering)
(laughter)
Remember the film now?
(laughter)
I'm like, "Oh, my God! Poor girl."
And he didn't even fix the window.
(laughter) You guys have been awesome.
Thank you!
(cheers and applause)
Thank you!
♪♪
Kerri Louise is not just funny,
she's a mom.
So a friend of mine said to me one time,
she's like, "I gotta tell ya this.
"I hate to share this story, but you need to know.
"I was in the booking room and they needed to fill a spot
"real quick.
And they said, 'Well, why don't you call Kerri Louise?'
They're like, 'Nah, she has three kids.
She can't get out of the house.'
And then someone suggested some guy,
and he's like, 'Oh, my God, yeah!
'He just had a baby. He needs the money.
Call him.'"
(cheers and applause)
Oh, yeah!
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Hi!
Before I even start, I gotta just tell ya.
I gotta just tell ya this one thing.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I gotta tell you this one thing.
I have one of those-- what do you call those?
What are they called now? Um... husbands.
(laughter)
And-- I know, right? You got one of those?
I don't even know why...
(laughter)
...I got married. I mean, I know why.
The health insurance.
But, um... (laughter)
I think every woman who has a husband
imitates their husband in the same, exact way.
We all have that same "husband voice," and this is it.
Yeah, so my husband comes home and he's like...
(goofy voice) "I don't know what I want."
(laughter)
"You didn't tell me. What?"
You're cute, yeah. You're cute when you're a boyfriend.
As soon as you're a husband,
you have buck teeth and you talk like this.
(goofy murmuring)
(laughter)
And when you're married for a really long time,
like me, we hunch our backs.
(goofy murmuring)
(laughter)
And when you get married, you lose your brain,
then you start asking us where things are
without even thinking
where the item might possibly be.
(laughter)
Why?
My husband will just scream my name for five minutes.
"Honey! Sweetie!
"Where are the batteries? The batt--"
"In the battery drawer. Says batteries right on it.
It's been there for five years."
(goofy voice) "I didn't know that. You didn't tell me.
How was I supposed to know..."
(laughter)
"Yeah, but it says-- because it says 'batteries.'"
"But you didn't tell me." "It says it!"
(laughter)
We're married to the same guy, right?
(laughter)
Please help me with this one. Please help me with this one.
How can my husband go to the Dollar Store
and spend $150?
(laughter)
How does that happen? Do you know what that means to me, sir?
Do you know what that means?
That means I have to find a place for 150
shitty items!
(laughter)
(cheering)
Exactly, yeah.
For him to ask me where the hell they are a week later.
(goofy voice) "What'd you do with that stuff from the Dollar Store?
"I put it right here with my keys and my sandwich last week.
What'd you do with it?"
(laughter)
"How about batteries? There's no more."
No, he wasn't. He doesn't put anything away.
And when I put it away and he can't find it,
he gets mad at me and then he starts calling me Patty Putaway.
(laughter)
"What'd you do with it, Patty?
"Hey, Patty Putaway? Putaway Patty?
"Patty Putaway? Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty, Patty.
"Putaway, Putaway, Patty!
Patty?"
My name's Kerri, by the way.
(laughter)
Yeah. Love him to death. Love him to death.
(laughter)
But we're getting divorced.
(laughter)
We're not. But if we were,
it would be over the computer.
Yeah, if I have to teach him cut and paste
one more time...
(laughter)
This is his favorite game. He loves this game.
'Cause he knows he can win.
We're about to fall asleep and he says,
(goofy voice) "Let's see who can go to sleep the fastest."
'Cause guys, you're out like that.
You're not even finished telling us you're asleep, and you're asleep.
"I think I'm gonna..." (gasping)
(laughter)
I wanna fall asleep like that!
Women can't fall asleep like that.
Don't you wanna fall asleep like that?
We can't! (cheering)
Yes! We can't!
We're like a computer that can't shut down.
There's something operating on it,
and that pinwheel keeps turning.
(imitating grinding)
That's your inner voice trying to go to sleep.
This is my inner voice going... "Kerri, go to sleep.
"You gotta go to sleep. You gotta work out tomorrow morning.
You gotta work out. You ate way too much today."
I know.
How many calories are in a muffin?
Times three.
(laughter)
That bitch better not get my coffee wrong tomorrow morning.
I swear to God. What's so hard about large black?
(laughter)
"Go to sleep, Kerri. You have so much to do.
And don't forget to call the plumber."
I'm not gonna forget. "You're gonna forget.
You should wake up and write it down."
I'm not waking up.
I'm not writing it down.
"Well, don't forget you have so much to do tomorrow,
and why is my rash not gone?
My rash should be gone by now. I'm using the strong stuff."
(laughter)
"That's so weird that I thought of 'large black,'
then I thought of my plumber."
(laughter)
"Then I thought of my rash."
(laughter)
"Kerri, go to sleep. You have so much to do.
I hate myself."
(laughter)
"I hate my hair. I have nothing to wear.
Nothing fits."
(laughter)
"I need bangs."
(laughter)
"I need Botox.
Shit. Should have married someone rich."
(laughter)
"You know what, Kerri? You should stop thinking of yourself.
"You should be praying to God at a time like this.
You should be thinking of someone who's less fortunate."
You're right, you're right, you're right.
Dear God, it's me Kerri.
(silly voice) God bless everybody.
(laughter)
And I know you're really busy, God, but please, God,
please, God, when you get a second,
please, God, please, God, pleeeeease, God,
make my period come, please.
(laughter)
I don't think I'm pregnant. I know I'm not pregnant.
But I think I might be going through the change,
and I am just way too young to be going through the change.
I can't be going through-- Oh, my God, I could be sick.
I'm sick. Oh, my God, my rash is cancer!
I have cancer!
(snoring) He's sleeping, thank God.
Phew! Now I don't have to have sex with him.
(laughter)
Maybe I should wake him up and have sex with him?
Maybe that would relax me and I can finally fall asleep?
Should I wake him up? No, I'm too tired.
It's too late.
Well, it's only gonna take a second.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
And we have-- we have twin boys together.
It's true, yeah. I think they're cute.
Yeah, they're so cute.
Obviously I'm gonna think they're cute.
My husband's Irish, I'm Lebanese.
That's a great combination.
You know the boys are gonna grow up
to be drunken terrorists.
(laughter)
We're really proud.
They'll get drunk,
then they'll forget where they hid the bomb,
and then they'll text mommy, "Where's the bomb?"
"In the drawer marked 'bomb.'
"Says 'bomb' right on it!
"It's been there for five years!
You're just like your father!"
My twins, they have their own cell phones now,
and they have girlfriends,
and they're too young to have both.
And I check their text messages.
Because I'm a good mother and it's a safety issue.
(laughter)
I'm not one of these moms,
"Oh, my God, it's invading their privacy."
No, it's not. I pay for the bill.
They're my text messages!
It's those same moms,
when you ask them how old their baby is,
they're like, "Oh, 79 weeks."
(laughter)
Four months goes into a...
Like, you didn't care how old the baby was,
you were just making nice conversation,
and then she makes you do math!
(laughter)
You wanna say, "You know what?
"Take that gluten free home-made apple sauce
and shove it up your ass."
(laughter)
Yeah, and it's those same moms
that refuse to get a mini van
because they look "uncool."
Yeah, I have a friend like that. She says to me,
while I'm driving her in my mini van,
"Oh, my God, I wouldn't be caught dead in a mini van."
So slammed on my brakes.
Now she's dead, in my mini van.
(laughter)
That's right.
So I'm a good mother.
I check their text messages.
And here's what they talk about with their girlfriends.
Nothing. It takes them an hour to say hi.
"Hey. What's up?" "Nothing. What's up?"
"You wanna talk?"
"Okay. What do you wanna talk about?"
"I don't know. What do you wanna talk about?"
"I don't know. Ask your brother."
I'm like, okay, it's a threesome.
No. Nothing going on.
Then they have these emoji contests.
How many emojies they can put in one text message.
It's 1,000. They have 1,000.
It's a contest. They have 1,000.
they cut and paste. They can cut and paste.
Not my husband. (laughter)
They add three more,
and it goes on for days, okay.
And one time-- this is what they taught me.
There's a poop.
There's a piece of shit with eyes on it.
Yeah, I thought they were texting me chocolate ice cream.
I had no idea. (laughter)
So at the end of the night when I wanna read
any text message, there's no text message.
There's tons of these smiley faces, right?
Tons of everything. The monkey, shit, everything.
Right? One time, I saw a smiley face with a gun to his head.
I'm like, "Oh, my God! One of 'em's suicidal!"
No. There's nothing going on.
I'm exhausted.
At this point, I would be comfortable
and happy reading anything-- any type of text.
Like, "Let's sneak out, smoke pot and fuck!"
That's what I wanted to read!
(laughter)
So I was telling my friend this joke,
and she's looking for the smiley face and the revolver.
She can't find the revolver.
So I asked my twins, I'm like, "What happened to the revolver?"
They're like, "Oh, Apple changed it to a squirt gun."
I'm like, "Really? Thank you Apple.
Mm! Thank you for doing your part."
(laughter)
Changing lives one squirt gun at a time.
Thanks!
I miss it, I have to say.
I'm sorry. I have to say I miss it.
I want it back-- for my own use.
You know? So I can tell my twins I'm really mad at 'em.
You know? "Get home, or you're dead!"
(laughter)
Yeah, now it's, "Get home, or you're wet."
(laughter)
Not the same.
So I had another kid. One this time.
(laughter)
And can I tell you a little secret?
I was fatter with one baby
than I was with two.
Yeah, 'cause my belly remembered what it was like
to be pregnant,
and it was... big.
It just went to that belly, that baby belly,
and it stretched out even more.
I had a belly ring that flew off
and hit my doctor in the eye.
I was big. I couldn't even bend over,
which was how I got in the mess in the first place.
That's another story. (laughter)
That's for late night.
That's for after the show.
So anyway-- but no, I was big.
The point is this. This is what I'm trying to say,
is I still look pregnant sometimes.
I don't look fat. I look pregnant.
That belly just goes to that baby belly.
We know what it's like. I don't look pregnant all the time.
But, ladies, you know, it's that time of the month.
I'm a little bloated,
and if I haven't shit in a while,
four months pregnant, I swear to God.
(laughter)
Am I giving you too much information?
And I get asked if I'm due a lot.
A lot, but it's not by everybody.
It's by-- you know, 'cause, guys, you're smart.
You don't say anything. You're like, "Look up.
"Look up. Look at her titties like you always do.
Don't ask questions!"
(laughter) Right?
But women get too excited.
One woman actually went to go touch my belly.
She's like, "Are you...?" And I'm like, "No."
And she's like, "Ahhh!" (laughter)
It happens so often. It's, like, the worst 30 second of my life.
And now I just make it up.
I say, "I'm pregnant." I say I'm having a baby.
It's a better conversation. It really is.
She doesn't feel like a moron,
and I don't feel like I'm gonna kill myself.
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm four months,"
and she's like, "Oh, my God! You look great!"
I'm like, "I know!"
(laughter)
She's like, "When you turn around
you don't even look pregnant."
I'm like, "I know!"
Don't do this. Long story short:
That woman happens to be a lactation consultant,
and now I have an interview with her the Tuesday
after my fake baby's born,
so she can help me breastfeed.
(laughter)
Yeah, so let me give you some advice, women.
Never ask another woman when she's due.
Never. I don't care if she's out to here
and she's rubbing her back and saying, "My ankles."
Don't ask her!
I don't care if there's a foot
hanging out of her hoo-hoo!
Do not ask her if she's pregnant
until she says, "You moron! I'm having a baby!"
Then call 9-1-1. Congratulate her, too.
Call 9-1-1 first.
The baby's coming out foot first.
She's gonna need some help.
(laughter)
Even I thought I was pregnant one night.
I thought-- I was, like, hard.
I ate too much, my belly was right there, like a baby.
I'm like-- I turn to the side. I'm like, "There it is!"
I'm like, "Oh, my God, I'm pregnant!"
I felt fluttering. I felt kicking.
I'm like, "It's kicking!"
Turned out to be gas. But anyway.
I said to my husband, "You gotta get a pregnancy test."
He got it, I took it, it came out negative.
But I'm a little nervous, 'cause he got it at the Dollar Store.
(laughter) So...
But I don't look pregnant tonight, boy.
I'm not messing around!
(cheering) I'm on TV!
That's right!
(cheering continues)
Plus, I have the best pair of Spanx on ever!
I'm talking about the metal clips
and the tire material.
That's what I'm talking about. I have that on.
And on top of that I have a girdle,
and on top of that, duct tape!
(laughter and cheering) Yes!
I look hot.
Just don't take me to bed,
because then it's gonna be like
opening up one of those
crescent roll cans.
(hissing)
(blows raspberry) (laughter)
You guys have been great. I've been Kerri Louise.
Thank you very much! Thank you!
(cheers and applause)
♪♪
When you're a young comic, you should be looking backwards
and seeing who broke the mold, and who's paved the way
for you.
Joan Rivers... was my heart,
and I miss her every day.
Um, I'm on a TV show,
and Joan Rivers is coming on as my aunt.
And I walked over and she said,
"I've never seen the camera
take weight off of anyone before."
And the entire room got quiet,
and I just burst into laughter.
And she said, "Come here, ya thick-skinned comedian,"
and she gave me a big hug.
And we were just tight ever since then.
(cheers and applause)
Um, let me look at everybody.
Hi!
Um...
Okay, first, just drink me in for a minute.
Look at the whole get-up.
Here's what happened.
Normally-- I've started giving up.
Like... (laughter)
Right? Like, tonight, my breasts feel very aggressive.
(laughter)
But... then I was trying to figure out
what I would wear tonight,
'cause I knew this was a big event.
Let me just tell you, never binge-watch, like,
ten hours of "Mrs. Maisel."
(laughter)
...and then pick out your outfit.
This is what you end up looking like.
I don't know how they kept this shit up.
This is so uncomfortable.
All of it.
There's all kinds of things going on.
It's like behind the scenes at the electric light parade
underneath this... (laughter)
All right, we don't have a lot of time.
Um, I'm in menopause.
Uh... (laughter)
For those interested.
Um, where are my little youngies?
Where are the little, really young--
the 22s, where are you?
There, there they are.
Um, menopause is when Mother Nature
tells you that your leaves are brown.
(laughter)
She's very clear. She's like,
"You don't have to die, but we don't need you."
(laughter)
"You can flourish, you can wither.
"It's all on you.
"No one's gonna water you on the regular.
That's what I'm trying to say."
(laughter)
I, um...
I called my friend the other day,
'cause she knew I was getting ready for this,
and she's like, "I want you to go to my stylist.
"I want you to be, like, stop traffic gorgeous for this.
It's Showtime." And I was like,
"Okay, you know I'm 51 years old.
"I'm not stopping traffic
unless I throw myself in front of a bus."
(laughter)
I'm sorry, I mean, it's just-- it's just real.
It's not-- I'm not stopping traffic.
51, I mean...
I might slow down a walker.
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
My young girls. Are you enjoying life?
It's never gonna get fucking better
than it is right now.
(laughter)
Where are my other youngies?
Let me see you.
There-- Oh, look at this little one. Ugh.
That's a little white girl, too.
(laughter)
Yes, 'cause her-- white girls, we age like bananas,
and... (laughter)
Let me tell you-- can I tell you what life's gonna get like?
Really quickly, since it's "Women of a Certain Age,"
and this is what you came for, was information and laughs.
(laughter) So...
Listen to Auntie Lynne, okay?
Um...
I don't have children, but I'm a bit of a prophet.
Like, not in a Jesus way,
but like a Simon and Garfunkel way.
So... (laughter)
Right now-- and I say "white girl"
because women of color don't age like we do.
Like, it's a total fucking different thing.
I mean, look at Oprah.
She looks exactly like I did when I was 13.
(laughter)
Like, she-- she does. She looks perfect,
and I'm drastically different
than when I was 13.
So now, right now,
you're on the lovely, like, young white girl road.
It's smooth... I know.
You don't even need two hands.
You just use one hand and you cruise.
You wave to people.
(laughter)
All the exits are free.
You know, free drinks, free food,
free, free, free, free, free.
All the streets are lined with trees
full of possibilities.
You pull over, your girlfriend jumps out,
shakes a tree, "Oh, look,"
and you go off. (laughter)
Now listen, focus, we don't have a lot of time.
When you hit your 30s, it's gonna be very--
What's gonna happen is you're gonna pull over,
and it's gonna be like "boom"
when you get off at exit 30.
Like, boom, "What the fuck?"
And... (laughter)
...then it's gonna smooth out again,
and then all the exits are gonna change.
Every single exit is gonna be like,
"Have a baby. Have a baby now.
"Have a baby in a little while.
"Have a boy baby. Have a girl baby.
"Have a baby with a partner. Have a baby by yourself.
Steal a baby. Snatch a baby." (laughter)
And when you're about 38,
you'll see, like, the last one says,
"Fuck a baby!" And you just...
(laughter)
You go off and you're like, boom, boom!
Boo-boom!
40s are nothing but just--
off-road, you're just like, "What's happening?"
(laughter)
Shit flying off the car.
You're on the phone, "I don't know.
It's shiny. Do I need it?"
(laughter)
And my mother saw this and she goes,
"Just wait till you hit your 50s.
It gets smooth again."
I was like, "What?"
She was right.
It does, doesn't it?
You hit your 50s and-- you know why?
Because now you're just-- you are what you are.
You're just riding on rims.
(laughter)
"Yeah, I can give you a ride.
"But you're gonna have to, like, crawl in, because...
(laughter) ...that hasn't worked since 48."
(laughter)
You know what I've been thinking about a lot?
Like, can we just take it down for a minute?
I've been thinking a lot about Melania.
Like, I really think about her. (laughter)
By the way, before we start this,
you should know I'm not married.
I'm what men in Texas call "a handful."
Um...
(laughter, cheers and applause)
Aw, you're so cute.
Men in New York don't really call me anything.
They just look a little terrified.
This-- this is true, okay?
I-I saw a guy-- we'll go back in a minute to Melania.
Don't forget. Um... (laughter)
I saw-- I was in Times Square a couple months ago,
and I saw a guy I dated, like, 15 years ago.
And we just caught eyes.
One of those weird New York serendipitous moments.
Across, like, Midtown traffic we caught each other's eye.
And the minute he saw me-- no lie-- he went...
(laughter)
And quickened his step.
And I was like, "Yeah, go, run, pussy, run!"
(laughter)
Okay, fast, this is why I think about Melania.
This is why I think about Melania Trump.
Because, first of all, God bless her.
She did not buy on for this.
She didn't think he was gonna be the president.
We didn't think he was gonna be the president.
She just happened--
She just wanted to send some money back to Slovenia.
I don't know this for sure, but I think.
And listen, we need to be more empathetic.
Like, seriously. We have a lot of women here tonight.
Like, just be more empathetic for the country.
Like, Melania blows him.
(laughter and groaning)
That's right-- well, somebody's gotta do it!
(laughter)
Somebody-- that's right. My girlfriend was like,
"How would you blow Donald Trump?"
I'm like, "With all your jewelry on.
Every fucking bit of it."
(laughter)
Kneeling in uncut diamonds.
Your arms are heavy from all the tennis bracelets.
You've got huge rings.
You're wearing, like, two Miss Universe crowns
and you just...
(laughter)
You can't look up.
That's what you can't do.
You can't look up and see it,
'cause he's got that resting dick face
all the time, like...
(laughter)
You know the sex face isn't a lot better.
Um...
and he probably wants her to say things that aren't true,
'cause I've been with a lot of men.
I'm sure it's, like--
you know, she's supposed to say, like,
"Donald, fuck me with your big black cock, please."
(laughter)
You know he does stuff like that.
I dress like this-- Do you want to know something, though?
In the '50s, all we had to do
was make breakfast, lunch and dinner,
and avoid a beating.
(laughter)
That's the America we're trying to get back to, by the way.
And then somebody stood up and said we should work.
Thank you, Gloria. Sit down.
(laughter)
And before I go, can I say this?
It's just us.
And, and people at home.
(laughter)
There was a time, girls,
when we couldn't vote or read.
We couldn't vote or read. Do you know that?
How great does it sound?
(laughter)
It's a little great.
Think about it; we wouldn't be responsible
for anything happening in the government right now.
We would just be quilting with the girls.
(laughter)
"These men are making some poor decisions, aren't they?"
(laughter)
"Shh. Don't tell anybody what I said.
I don't wanna get beat."
(laughter)
"Pot roast is ready. I gotta go."
Thank you! (cheering)
♪♪
Have I ever been mistreated by
a booker, a club owner
or a comic?
Hmm, let me think.
Hell yes,
fuck yes,
and totally.
He grabbed me by the boob.
He used to always grab my hair.
And by like, "Hey, man, you look sexy,"
The guys would get paid,
and he gave me the half of the money
and said, "Let me give you the other half--
we haven't finished counting out the da-da-da-da-da."
Not only did I not get my half of money,
I paid for another day
to stay in town to hunt this bitch down.
And...
we found him.
Let's just say that.
(cheers and applause)
Well, if I'd have known so many people were gonna show up,
I'd have dressed up for the occasion.
(laughter and cheering)
This old thing is from my good friend
the Phyllis Diller Collection.
(laughter)
Don't mind if I sit down and join you, do I?
Do you? Because, you know,
I ain't gonna stand up here like fuckin' auction block
while y'all sitting down,
comfortably lookin' at my ass.
(laughter) I wanna sit--
let's everybody sit down and be comfortable.
#MeToo, shit.
(laughter and cheering)
Now, I've heard my sisters come out here tonight
and speak on various situations
dealing with weight and relationships and aging.
And I checked my Twitter,
and some of my friends and fans
wanted me to speak on a real issue
in this country, and that is...
Let's talk about all this
ol' pesky dick-sucking, shall we?
(laughter and cheering)
Okay, now I don't...
I'm not speaking for every woman in here,
or man,
because I would never be able to do that,
but I am speaking for me and my clique.
And I would just like to tell you gentlemen some things
that I think you probably don't know
and have never gave a fuck about,
but you're locked in here tonight
and you're gonna fucking hear it.
(laughter and cheering)
Guys, it's not that we won't suck your dicks, okay?
We'll do it. We'll do this shit.
Especially during the holidays.
If you take your dick and stick it in that gravy boat,
I will suck the skin off that bit.
I love gravy, okay.
(laughter)
It's not that we won't suck your dick,
it's that we don't wanna suck the bitch
all motherfucking night long.
(laughter)
You know, 17, 18 sucks and,
"You ready? I'm ready.
Well, how many more before you think you'll be ready?"
(laughter)
"I was ready five sucks ago, so."
(laughter)
"Down-up-- that's one suck, so..."
(laughter) 17, 18 sucks.
Maybe 25 or 30 if it's Christmas
or your birthday. (laughter)
And the thing about it is it's like,
you guys don't want any nice, polite little dick-sucking.
It can't be like, "Night-night.
Mwah. Bye, baby. Mwah, mwah, mwah."
You don't want that. Every time a bitch suck your dick,
it's gotta be... (loud moaning)
(laughter)
And you know we do that shit, we go to work the next day,
our neck feels like we've been in a five-car pile up
on the goddamn freeway.
Now we in the break room rubbing our fucking neck,
your supervisor come in, "Brenda, what's wrong?"
"Oh, last night was Javier's birthday.
I thought he wasn't gonna never go to sleep, shit."
(laughter)
And personally, I like-- Like, the kind of guys I like,
I like guys with dirty jobs.
Like, guys that wash windows.
Or ever since I saw the movie "Claudine",
I've liked garbage men. (laughter)
You know? I like one of them nighttime,
differential-making motherfuckers
that drill in the middle of the street at night.
I like a dirty motherfucker like that because
when they come home and they clean up
and you go out it's like you got a whole new man.
(laughter) It's like the sun came out.
I don't like you suit-wearing motherfuckers.
I don't trust you. You look like the Feds.
You wear a suit to work.
You wear a suit to dinner.
You wear a suit to the beach.
You wear a suit to the gym.
Who are you, you robot motherfucker?
I don't know who you are. (laughter)
But any man that works, I believe that
you ought to be able to come home--
I've tried this-- and for 15 minutes,
before you get with the "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah"
from the wife and the kids, you guys deserve to have
15 minutes to "woosah" as well.
Relax.
Wash off the e--
you know, the daytime activities of working,
giving to the family.
But see, then you motherfuckers take it too far.
(laughter)
Now when you supposed to be downstairs
in the basement relaxing, listening to jazz,
smoking a bowl or something... (laughter)
...you done turned on some more Vanessa del Rio
throwback porno fuckin' video.
And if you don't know who Vanessa del Rio is,
that bitch was the GOAT, okay?
(laughter)
That bitch was the greatest of all time.
Vanessa del Rio could have a dick in her pussy,
one in her booty, two under her arms,
jack two off, and suck one.
(laughter)
That fucking should be in the Olympics.
So now then you come upstairs, see,
with your dick in your hand,
and you want somebody to suck it.
It's about your timing too, guys.
Because while you been downstairs watching porno,
we been upstairs correcting homework,
running bath water, and making some
punk bitch-ass chocolate chip cookies
for the punk bitch-ass bake sale that's tomorrow
that we just found out about 15 minutes ago.
What's my motivation to suck your fucking dick right now?
(laughter, cheers and applause)
I'll tell you what the porno bitch's motivation was.
They gave that bitch $30,000 to suck a dick like that.
Oh, I wish a motherfucker would
come up to me, Luenell,
with $30,000 in his motherfucking hand.
I would suck a watermelon through a garden hose.
(loud slurping sound) (laughter)
Just like that, I'd hold it in my mouth.
(laughter)
For $30,000, I would suck your dick, sir,
till my nose bleeds, you feel me?
(laughter)
For 30 rocks, I would--
I would do the old Jill Scott-peppermill,
I'd pull out all the old tricks. (laughter)
I'd have drool rubbing off my elbow for $30,000, shit.
(laughter)
You watch all this porno shit,
now you wanna do porn-y shit to us.
(laughter)
You wanna... (chuckles)
You-- you wanna cum on my face.
(laughter)
Huh. Really.
Well, you know, a fair exchange ain't no robbery.
You wanna cum on my face? Let me pee in your mouth.
(laughter)
"What the fuck are you talking about, Luenell?
I would never let no bitch pee in my mouth."
Well, I did it last week, you fucking loved it.
(laughter)
Yeah, remember when you said, "Damn, baby, you sure is wet"?
Yeah, I know, because... (laughter)
Peed in their mouth a little bit.
(laughter)
It's not that I haven't tried
to let you guys have your way with me.
But your aim ain't as good as you think it is.
I done had enough strep throat, pink eye, and ear aches
to last me a goddamn lifetime.
If I even feel a dick trying to throb toward my face,
I do "The Matrix".
(laughter)
(laughter continues)
I remember back in the '70s,
the OGs, they used to say,
"I heard it's good for your skin."
Is that right? Well, guess what?
You got a little pimple right there.
Why don't we scoop some of this up
and rub it on your goddamn face?
Fuck outta here with that bullshit.
(laughter)
Then you wanna do things, like, you wanna...
you wanna hold our head.
See, don't do that.
(laughter)
'Cause every woman in here got a different gag reflex
and you don't know what kinda trauma
a woman done had down her throat in her lifetime.
But here you come trying to jig
your dick down somebody's throat.
Be gentle, you know? Be nice. Be nice.
(laughter)
You know, bi-- suck your thumb, bite the pillow,
pull the curtains off the window,
but don't hold our head.
Now, we know that you love it.
Fuckin' love it when you see us choking
and gasping for air. (laughter)
Tears running down our fucking face
'cause you just know that we must be choking
on your big fucking dick, huh?
(laughter)
(scoffs) Uh, no.
(laughter)
No.
What had happened was...
(cheers and applause)
...you done held my head so deep in your crotch,
that now your dick is touching
that little dingly-dangly thing
(mock choking) back in my-- my throat.
(loud groaning)
And they love it. They be like,
"Yeah, bitch, take that dick."
"No, wait a minu--" (groans)
(laughter)
But I re-- I remember the good ol' days.
(laughter)
There were some.
I remember the good ol' days of dick-sucking.
Way back in the good ol' days.
Now, what I'm about to say is shocking, so...
(laughter)
I'ma stand behind this pole so y'all can't see me.
(laughter)
No, I can make myself be small.
Watch.
(laughter)
I did this shit one time in Chicago.
This bitch said, "Where'd she go?"
(laughter)
That's what I'm talking about. Play along, motherfucker.
(laughter)
So... I remember
the good ol' days of dick-sucking way back--
guys, way back.
I remember when, in the good ol' days
when you guys, when your dicks
was already hard when we put it in our mouth.
(cheers and applause)
It's the least you could do.
(laughter)
Must we do every goddamn thing?
(cheers and applause)
Shit.
If the sight of your woman gettin' out the bathtub
soaking wet, bending over,
ass and pussy all up in the air,
water dripping down the crack of their ass,
bending over to rub some baby oil,
or some Icy Hot, or some Tiger Balm,
or some shit on... (laughter)
Let's ke-- let's keep it real.
If that don't make your dick hard,
then you, my friend, you might wanna up your Obamacare.
You got about ten more days to do that.
Or you might wanna go to the VA
'cause you got penile, erectile dysfunction.
(laughter)
Like, goddamn, we'll suck your dick.
We don't wanna have to chase the bitch around the house.
"All right, come on..."
(laughter)
I know I done fucked it up for somebody tonight.
They gonna get home, she gonna be like,
"You better come out if you want me to do it."
He'll be like, "Wait! Give me a minute!"
(laughter) Hey, you guys, thank you so much.
(cheers and applause) My name's Luenell.
(cheering continues)
Well, being a female comic, I mean, it's been about
the same when I started as it is now.
It's just my attitude is probably a lot different.
When I'm working with women comedians,
there's a kind of sense of community and warmth.
The media, or commercials, or television want you to think
that women are like "The Real Housewives"
and everyone's competitive and everyone is backstabbing.
That's a myth, by the way, that female comics
don't get along, it's a myth.
And some day, maybe we'll even be able
to qualify it as just "comics"
and not have to put "female" before it.
(cheers and applause)
♪♪
We have a little bit of a "Nanny" reunion here.
(cheers and applause)
Renée Taylor is here! Give her a hand!
(cheers and applause)
Carol said, you know, "We want to do the show."
And I would go, "Yeah, no, that sounds good. Good."
And then I'd get off the phone, I'm like...
"I-- I don't..." (stammering)
"Will they use older women?"
And I thought, "Yeah. We do have a voice.
They do want to hear what we have to say."
And that's why I think this show is so important,
because I think it opens the door just a crack
to make this happen.
♪♪