Hey, you guys,
that happens to be my father's good chess set
you're throwing all over the living room.
Can't you be more careful with this stuff?
Do you know what he'd do if he came home
and found these all over the place?
Would you please keep these on the...
Engelberg, get away from my refrigerator. How many times...
-You call that a refrigerator? -Yes.
There's nothing in here to eat.
This is the part where William Bendix gets it.
Gets me sick every time.
William Bendix survives in this. Anthony Quinn is the one who gets it.
This is Joseph Blane, reporting to you from Tokyo, Japan.
We are here with the Japanese Junior Baseball champions.
Where did you get that?
Hey! Hey, guys! Hey, guys, the Japanese champions!
So, our correspondent in Japan asked the Japanese boys
and their coach what they thought of the American refusal.
We were surprised and a bit hurt.
It was simply a gesture of sportsmanship on our part.
One of the reasons the U.S. gave for not coming
was because they say we're too competitive.
Why aren't we sending a team?
Well, the Orientals have beaten us
nine out of the last 11 times we've played them.
What did that little creep say?
I think they're just plain chicken.
See you guys in Tokyo!
Okay! We'll make a wish for you.
Good morning, everybody, and welcome to The Sunshine Show.
Our guests this morning are a group of young ball players
trying to get to Japan.
-Good morning, fellas. -Good morning.
Thanks for answering our letter.
You know, by going to Japan, you'd be going against the wishes
of your national organization. Why do you want to go?
-It's mainly guidance of the Holy Spirit. -What?
We feel that an American team should represent themselves in Japan.
And plus, we ain't no cowards
and there ain't no mother...Nip gonna stand in our way.
-What did he say? -Engelberg!
I don't think you can say that at six o'clock in the morning.
Also, we feel that if an American team didn't go,
it would really strain relations between otherwise friendly nations.
What makes you boys think that you're truly
a representative team of the United States?
-Service. -Marge, it's Marvin. Any messages?
A bunch. Where have you been?
I've been casting till 5:00 in the morning. What's up?
-Got a pencil, Marv? -I got a memory.
What's going on? Come on.
Louis called from Las Vegas.
He wants his $75,000 or you'll never work in this town again.
75,000, or otherwise he'll break your legs.
-Good. -Oh, by the way,
your alimony checks are due for March, April and May.
But where is the money coming from? I mean, how are you gonna get there?
Mainly by saving and borrowing is how we're gonna pay for the trip.
But we're in no way above accepting donations.
You and me both, kid.
-What? -No, not you, Marge.
-Anything else, my dear? -You owe the answering service $82.50.
Wonderful. Charge it to me.
Hey, listen, we beat a pretty powerhouse team.
Probably the best in the country.
You've got a good team all right, but our findings show that you're really
just a second-place team from the Van Nuys League.
Oh, my...
Good for your findings.
We're probably one of the strongest leagues in the world.
Give your money to the Bears, PO Box 1941.
We got that from Pearl Harbor, 1941.
A lot of money will go mainly for inoculation...
Loopy.
What a client.
I could've bought Roots if I'd read the manuscript.
What a life.
Kids, baseball.
They're going to Japan to play the Japanese.
So stupid, these kids.
There must be a lot of people who want to see
at least somebody defend the national pastime.
We're the only ones willing to go.
Would you please page Marvin P. Lazar? Thank you so much.
-This is your big number, Marvin? -That's it.
-A bunch of kids. -Right.
A bunch of ragamuffin, American kids go to Tokyo, Japan
to defend the national pastime.
Isn't that a natural? I'm talking national television.
It's gonna be beamed by satellite.
I tell you, I've been waiting for something like this for years.
It's a natural. Louis, all I want from you is 10 grand.
10,000 gives you 25%. 25% of the entire package.
What do you say, Louis? What do you say?
-I ain't putting up nothing, Marvin. -What did you say...
You owe me on a bunch of horses
that still haven't crossed the finish line.
-Yeah, well, I'll... -I want it by Friday.
Friday? I can't come up with money like that by Friday.
Paging Marvin P. Lazar.
Well, who am I gonna page? Somebody I don't know?
Are you boys looking for someone?
It's all right, ma'am, they're with me. How do you do?
-Are you here often? -Are you with the Bears?
-Yeah. -This the Bears?
Right. Come on in, fellas.
Here, make yourselves at home. I got us a nice, big center table.
How do you do? Nice to see you.
Make yourselves at home. How do you do?
Make yourself at home. Go right ahead and stay off my feet.
Yes, please. Sit down, fellas.
There you are. Make yourself comfortable.
Right, my name is Marvin Lazar and welcome to showbiz.
Now, who is it that I've been speaking to on the phone?
E.R.W. Tillyard III?
That's me, Mr. Lazar.
Yes, well, please don't call me Mr. Lazar.
Marvin's my name. Everyone calls me Marvin.
Forgive me for getting right to the point, Marvin,
but you said you've already raised the money for our trip to Japan?
I have? Yes, I have. Of course I have.
-Good. -Mow for the boring part.
Contracts. Now, your folks have seen all of these.
These are, in effect,
agreements between me, as your promoter,
and you, as the ballplayers.
As you know, your parents all agree with everything
that's been brought up in these contracts.
Because I want you guys to know everything that we do together
will always be on the up and up, got it?
Okay. Waitress?
-My dear, please, menus for the boys. -Yes. Yes.
And they can order their lunch.
Wonderful things here.
Nothing more than a buck-and-a-half, and only butter sandwiches.
I'm only joking.
-What would you like? -Filet mignon.
-Filet mignon? -Filet mignon.
-What's the biggest steak you got? -16-ounce porterhouse.
That's a little heavy for lunch, isn't it?
Why don't you try something lighter, like tuna fish.
Fresh cracked crab, please.
Crabs. What crabs? Crab.
Yeah, fresh cracked crabs. Right here.
Wait a second. What... What happened to my drink?
Saw you on Kojak the other night.
You were really good.
Would you like a cigarette?
Go ahead.
Got a whole pack.
I'm telling you, guys, I could promote you guys so good
that everybody in the country will know all about the nine of you.
-Ten. -Mine.
-Ten! -When did they change the rules?
-Mustapha. -What's a Mustapha?
My little brother's gotta go, and that makes 10.
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I mean, I wasn't prepared for 10.
Nine, yes, 10, no. I mean, I gotta come with extra...
Where is he? He's not here, is he?
He's probably under a table somewhere.
Under a table?
What are you talking about?
-What are you doing there? -Eating this big, old roll.
Come on, get out of there.
Look how small he is. I mean, Isn't he a little small for baseball?
Well, my mother works, and I'm supposed to watch him this summer...
-Why don't you send him to daycare? -No way!
What have you got against daycare?
-You like daycare? -I love daycare.
-Then you go to daycare. -I haven't got time to go to...
Hey, if he don't go, I don't go.
-Excuse me, Marvin. -Yeah, what is it, Tillyard?
-Marvin, it says here in the contract... -Wait just a minute, yes.
That we each get 2.5% of profits?
Yes, 2.5%. Everybody gets 2.5% of profits.
-It should be five. -What, five? What are you talking about?
John Wayne won't get five. Five. Are you crazy?
-You guys, I think we ought to go now. -Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Just sit down. Just sit down.
Calm down, everybody, will you? Just take it easy.
Just...
Mow, maybe I'm a little out of line on the 2.5%, okay?
Why don't we make it three?
-Four point five. -Four?
Look, fellas, a welcoming committee.
Come on, guys, give them a little smile. Come on.
Coach Shimizu?
Marvin Lazar, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you.
-Wife. -The wife.
The old ball and chain?
Welcome to Japan.
Thank you so much, ma'am. It's a pleasure to be here.
For me? How kind of you.
What a beautiful outfit.
Divine. Look at that, guys.
That's an oboe I think they call it, right?
And look at these guys. Don't they look great?
These are the Bears, all excited and ready to go.
The excitement in America is tremendous.
Everybody's waiting for the game, yes.
Thank you, so much.
And these, I take it, are the gentlemen of the press.
How do you do?
Yeah?
Hold on.
Break it up.
Will you guys break it up? We're strangers here.
Come on, will you stop it? What are you fighting over?
Wait a minute. Now, will you wait a minute? Hold it.
Come here.
What happened?
I'm a very sensitive person is what happened.
Where are those California smiles?
Come on, let's go.
Come on, give them a little smile.
-Just a little smile. -Shut up!
Tillyard.
Tillyard III!
You booked us into a Japanese restaurant.
Why'd you change the reservation? I had us all set up at the Hilton!
-First, Marvin, calm down. -Calm down.
We can stay at Hiltons anywhere.
There are cultural aspects to this trip as well as business.
Yeah, cultural aspects I can appreciate.
I guess you didn't book us in here.
Marvin, at a Japanese yokan,
you have to take off your shoes before you go in.
I know that. I know you're supposed to take off your shoes.
All right, guys, take off your shoes.
Can we take them to our rooms?
Now, how do I know? Do I look Japanese?
What do I do about the tennis shoes in my bag?
-Put them in your purse. -What?
Marvin, if I take off my shoes, I'm gonna get athlete's foot.
Well, that'll be the only part of you that is an athlete.
Come on, you guys, let's go. Will you? Come on.
Come on, follow the ladies.
-Welcome. -Thank you.
I have two cards here, please.
If you'll put my hotel on the Diners Club,
and all phone calls on BankAmericard. Thank you.
I'm a three-phone man, not a one-phone man.
And I can't go through your switchboard.
No, no. And another thing,
will you please come up with some furniture?
I mean, this stuff is so Mickey Mouse, there's no place to sit down.
What? And another thing, I ordered bedrooms.
I got boys with me. I don't see any beds. Where do you keep them, in the closet?
What? But I haven't got time...
Well, will you wait a minute, please?
Hey, Tillyard III, will you take this for me, please?
My...
Mustapha, will you stay out from under my feet?
I mean, you're everywhere!
-Hey, Marvin. -What is it?
You just watch who you be yelling at.
Sorry. Excuse me, but I hit my head, Mustapha.
Jesus.
What the hell is this?
It's very weird and unsanitary.
I know one thing. I'm not gonna use it.
Come on, you guys, will you get out of there?
-Look out for the sink in the floor. -Sink in the floor?
Sink on the floor.
I still like Marvin anyway.
-Don't get to like him too much. -How come?
Because he ain't no good is how come.
I'm going to meet some network people in the morning.
Right. Yeah. They're over here to... Quiet!
They're over here to cover the karate matches. Right.
Yeah, after that, I think they're going to tape the ballgame on the 21st.
-Since when? -Can you get Rawlings on the other phone?
What'd you say? Yeah, we're gonna have a practice inning in the morning.
Just an exhibition, but a lot of press coverage.
Yeah, network people, too.
Loyton, Rawlings, they're both very interested.
Hold on for a minute, will you?
What is this, the Yankee Stadium? Will you guys shut up?
Mow get to bed!
-Get to bed. -I don't know the number.
-You got Rawlings on the phone yet? -No...
Go to bed!
-But I... -Go to bed. Good night!
Mow, look, go to sleep.
-I'm not sleepy, Marvin. -You're sleeping.
People are gonna love this game with the right promotion.
It's a natural. We play the game 3 :30 a.m. Tokyo time.
It plays opposite the game of the week. Kills them in the ratings.
Play ball!
Hit the wrapper off of it, Kelly.
Holy shit, he hit a home run!
Come on, Kelly.
Walk it home.
-All right. -All right.
Don't make it look too easy.
I still want them to know they're in a ballgame.
All right.
All right, come on. You got to stick out more, Mustapha.
-You're a big item. -Yeah, what are you talking about?
Take a look at that kisser. It's a heartbreaker.
Play ball!
Come on, Miguel, get a piece of it.
Strike one!
I'm gonna tell you something. Completely off the record, and I mean it.
We got a Mexican kid on the team that's...
Mustapha, please, I'm talking to this nice television man,
and it's important, okay?
Miguel Agilar is his name, and he's an illegal alien.
It's gonna be murder getting him back into the States.
Why do you wear this big old chain?
Because I like it, and it's attractive.
...so badly that he was willing to risk anything...
-No, it ain't, Marvin. -That's a matter of opinion, Mustapha.
Just a matter of opinion.
Risked even being deported just so he could be here with his buddies
and represent the good old USA.
Now, is that a story?
Strike! Out!
You. Out!
You could say that they're a microcosm of America, you might say.
We have black boys, Jewish boys...
-What are you doing now? -Buttoning it.
No, no, leave it open. I like it that way. That's the style.
Strike! Out!
Stein.
-You're not a lefty. -Yeah.
Better go get them, gang.
-I'm playing short. -No.
-I wanna play short this game. -I always play short.
-Third is nice. -No, I'll let you play short next time.
-You get a lot of baseballs. -Look, look.
One of you guys play one position.
Why don't you just go play third
-and you play short? -I wanna play short.
Is somebody going to play center?
God damn it! Play left!
You could say what puts this team together,
what keeps them together is pride.
Come on.
-Why didn't you get it? -Wasn't mine.
-Wasn't mine, that was yours. -Throw it to second!
-Second base! -It was closer to you.
-So? But... -What are you doing?
I was gonna get it, and then I saw you.
He just got a double off of a single.
Time.
Time!
I wish you guys would get together and play some baseball, okay?
-It was yours. -It was your fault.
-No, you could've gotten it. -Yes, it was, too.
Stop, stop, stop.
Well, at least we're still ahead.
We'd be lucky to get this on tape delay, condensed.
Ball. Four ball.
-Come on, whip it in there! -Whip it in there, baby!
Jet lag, that's all it is. Jet lag.
Come on, pitch it good, Stein.
We got a real tight schedule this week.
You know, the problem is you people just don't know what sells.
I mean, people want to root. Will you wait a minute?
I got to fly back to the States tonight.
-Just wait a minute. Wait. -Marvin,
I'm going to do the very best I can for you, believe me.
Ed. Hey.
Marvin, I'll guarantee you one thing.
Nobody back home wants to see a team get beat that badly,
live, tape or on the news.
Rocky. What about Rocky?
Rocky landed a few punches, Lazar.
I'll be back in a few days, Marvin.
Call me. We'll have lunch.
Yeah.
Lunch.
Hey.
Here. Go back to the hotel, okay? Hotel.
Hey, your playing was really great.
I mean, I never met a geisha before.
Hey, can't you just say a little something to me?
I mean, geishas are supposed to be nice and all that.
Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't understand what you said back there.
Hey, I got something that might help us out.
I'm a baseball player.
Baseball?
You sure have beautiful hair.
Beautiful hair?
Hair.
-What? -It means "beautiful hair."
Beautiful hair.
Does that mean yes?
How about it?
Are you gonna go to dinner with me or not?
I said it right, didn't I?
About dinner tomorrow?
You missed the last train.
Hey, hey, maybe I should stay.
Hey, hey, hey. Maybe I should spend the night.
I've got no money for a hotel or taxi.
Hey, listen, I wouldn't try anything funny because...
Didn't think I knew that one, did you?
I've been saving that for last.
Hey, hey, and it's not because you're beautiful.
Hey, maybe... Hey, wait a second, so I could...
Hey, hey, hey. Dinner tomorrow?
And no chickening out 'cause I know where you live.
Sayonara.
Your name. I didn't ask your name.
Shit.
Arika. Arika.
Goodbye, Arika.
All right.
Are you telling me that your friend can't get it in the newspapers?
Well, what about the sports section?
But it's a sports event.
Look...
Please, off the line. That's Vegas I'm talking to.
What? Hello? What do you mean, no more calls?
I can't...
You got no business cutting my Master Charge card in half.
We were instructed to by the company, Mr. Lazar.
What are you always smiling about?
It's probably some malfunction in the computer.
I'm never behind. There. There's my Diners Club card.
Kelly's been gone for four hours now.
That's all right. He'll find his way back. It's not...
What'd you cut that card in half for?
Diners is in the same drinking category. Thank you.
Don't you have any cash, Marvin?
Cash is out-of-date, don't you...
Cash would be most advisable, Mr. Lazar.
You're telling me.
How could you bring us over here without a dime on you?
Back to lounge acts.
You lied to us about everything, didn't you?
Middle-aged strippers.
There was no game set, no TV thing, no nothing.
No more drive-on pass on the lot.
I think you're long overdue for that meeting with Jesus, Marvin.
CBS would've picked it up.
We've got you on fraud and child abuse, Marvin.
If I'd only made them go to bed.
-Those are felonies. -Go to sleep.
You know what life is like in prison, Marvin?
-For one thing, no telephones. -Yeah, just think about that.
Are you listening, Marvin?
God, Marvin.
You stupid old...
Trapped in Japan.
I still like you, Marvin.
I really do.
Are we really going home airfreight?
What's the matter with airfreight? I mean, it's pressurized.
-They got pilots just like every... -Marvin.
-What is it? -The word for pawn shop is "shichiya. "
-Pawn shop? -The first thing you're gonna sell
is that big gold chain of yours.
It's brass. Everybody happy it's brass?
Okay, troops, this is it.
We're prisoners of war, and we're escaping.
Come on. Let's go. Come on.
Calisthenics.
One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.
One and two and three and four.
Baseball.
Exercise. One, two...
One, two, three, four.
One, two. One, two. One, two. One, two.
-Mow what are we gonna do? -I could use my Bullock's charge card.
-Yeah, like, one, two... -All right, all right, all right.
I'll think of something.
Are any of the network people here? Metwork.
-Are you press? -Yes, I'm press. Are you press?
Yes, the network. There's the guy I want to see.
Thank you very much.
-Have you seen Eddie? -No, I haven't.
I'm looking for Eddie, he's one of the network people.
-Mot right now. -Thank you.
You know where I could find him?
-No, I don't. -You know Eddie?
It's very important I talk to him.
Sorry, sir, you'll have to wait.
Martial arts champion.
Antonio Inoki!
Mean Bones Beaudine.
Two.
Easy. Easy.
There is no way that he can make it.
He's on his way to the hospital, right now.
I don't know what we're gonna do for a replacement.
If we don't get something, it's a million and a half down the drain.
We haven't got time to bring anybody from the States.
We tape in an hour.
That's right, in an hour. How do I know?
It's not my problem. I'll tell you what the problem was.
The problem was the guy's head was made of plywood.
That was the problem.
And it's not our only problem either.
-Who's in charge here? -Our announcers.
Our announcers got disgusted with the whole...
-Is he in charge here? -Yeah, he's in charge.
You tell me, who's close? You're kidding.
Get Dick Button on the phone. He's at some ice rink in Sapporo.
-Are you in charge? -Yes.
Put down the phone.
I've been at the Hilton hotel waiting for a car, 45 minutes.
You network people were supposed to pick me up.
-Car? What car? -My man's gonna be here in 30 minutes.
He gets a dressing room, telephone...
-Who are you? -Lazar. Marvin Lazar.
I've got the replacement for your 7:00 match.
Replacement? What replacement?
Alphonse "The Chopper" Williams. And it wasn't easy.
Marvin, how much you getting paid for this anyway?
-Enough to pay for the hotel room. -Swear to God, hope to die?
Don't bring the Lord into this. Feldman gets upset.
I hope you're not doing anything dishonest, Marvin.
Come on, fellas. What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
-Smile. Come on, boys. -What's that?
-Lazar, where's The Chopper? -Yeah.
-He's relaxing. -I want to see this guy.
This guy's gonna put you on TV. Be nice to him. Talk to him.
Pennywall, they're coming for you. Get dressed.
You're a very fine man, Mr. Lazar.
Thousand dollars is quite a helping hand to those of us on fixed income.
I want to help as much as I can. There you go.
-Put that on, will you? -Is this mask necessary?
Absolutely necessary. It's gonna make you look younger. Yes.
-What the hell is that? -That is Alphonse "The Chopper."
Is that what he was gonna wear?
Is that what you're gonna wear? What are you?
-It's a wrap. -What's a wrap?
What is this, a fashion show or a wrestling match?
Inoki just told me he's not fighting a no-name bum on American television.
-That's it. -Does that mean the interview is off?
No match, no interview. It's very simple, Lazar.
-But it's newsworthy. -You want that interview?
We pack it in without the match.
You want the kids on TV, you talk to Inoki,
'cause I'm blue in the face from talking to the big creep.
Will you tell him to calm down and put on his gear, please?
No.
No!
Inoki is most distraught.
Tonight's match is so important stepping stone to rematch with Ali.
Things worse if he fight that turkey.
But that's nonsense. It can only improve his chances.
-National television. -No.
This could be a great match in his career, you know.
No!
What is it? Fear?
Let's see what you're afraid of?
Is this the putz you want to duck?
You think Ali will give you a rematch?
Now take it easy. Will you take it easy?
I thought you said the match was a fake, Mr. Lazar.
It is, it is. Please, put on this mask.
What's all this about a match with Muhammad Ali?
-I mean, Ali doesn't fake. -Look, I told you,
all you got to do is just bump into the guy,
lie down and take a full count, okay?
He is a very high-strung gentleman, that Mr. Inoki.
I mean, did you see what he did to his locker?
It's prefight nonsense. Believe me when I tell you that.
Now, listen, I have told you in detail about my back problems.
Yes, you did.
Yeah, and about my Blue Cross being canceled.
Yes, you did. But I want you to know something.
He's as gentle as a lamb. He's a pussycat, so don't worry.
Spotlight on Sports is on the air.
Welcome to the Tokyo Pavilion.
Hello, everybody, I'm Dick Button,
substituting for Lindsey Nelson and Dick Schaap.
And tonight, we have a unique, if not extraordinary, event for you.
Antonio Inoki.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Introducing, in this corner, martial arts world champion...
Well, it's very clear that the unfortunate cancellation
of Mr. Mean Bones Beaudine has severely marred the attendance.
Coming to think of it, there's not very much attendance at all.
When you get right down to it, actually, there's nobody here.
Would you tell Button to shut up about the crowd?
Dick, 86 the attendance.
...takes a spill.
You know, interestingly enough, if that had been a figure skating event...
His opponent, Alfonse "The Chopper" Williams.
Two hundred pounds.
Come here.
Mo hard feelings I hope.
Okay, Ref, I'm out. Count me out.
Come on, I got internal injuries. Get an ambulance.
So, that fall apparently is not counting. You know, it's an interesting thing.
In figure skating, a fall on the ice does not count
unless the skater is clearly doing something beyond his ability.
Now, if that were applied here, we would see very clearly
that he had not done anything beyond his ability,
so the fall doesn't count.
Come on. What a chicken.
Get up, Marvin.
No. Mo, no.
Mow will you count me out?
Will you count me out? Referee, will you count me out?
What's the matter with you?
Start counting, will you? Do something...
Don't do that to Marvin.
And he's following it up immediately with a triple Salchow.
Now, that is an extremely unusual move.
Marvin's getting hurt.
Hey, Mustapha, get back here.
What are you doing?
-You'll get hurt. -Be careful, Mustapha.
Leave him alone!
Mustapha, what are you... Will you get out? He's counting me out.
Ref, get back here and start counting.
Get hold of him. Don't let him get away.
Mustapha!
Where am I?
God damn you, Lazar.
Is he gone?
You know, that particular move there looks very much like the one
Rodnina and Zaitsev of the Soviet Union did
in the figure skating pairs exhibition at the Olympic Games in Innsbruck.
You remember that in 1976? Beautiful, beautiful.
Mustapha, come on.
Goodbye.
An entire melee is going on here. A baseball team...
I can say that they are garbed in very attractive uniforms.
Obviously trimmed in yellow and black.
Stop, Ahmad.
I'm going to get you!
-That hurt. -Come on, you guys, let's get him!
Pull down his pants.
Marvin, you'll get in the way.
God, that ref took a heck of a shot.
A flying sit spin.
Did you see the extension of the leg as it stuck out there?
The toe, not very well pointed, I will say that.
Got him.
Come on, grab him!
-I'll get him, Marvin. -Yeah, right, do that.
-Against the ropes. -Against the ropes.
All together.
One! Two! Three!
You're gonna get it now, sucker!
Let's get him.
One! Two! Three!
Look at him there being helped off the ring.
Obviously in pain. What an incredible match.
Hey, don't take pictures of me. Here, give these to the press, will you?
Fill them up, all right? Don't take pictures of me, I told you.
Take pictures of the kids. You know, local color.
Fujiyama.
This picture-taking tour is peanuts...
Okay, so what we're doing here is...
In order to throw a curve underhand, go...
-Okay. -Okay, so...
Here you are. Drink up, please.
Please. My pleasure. Yeah, right.
Hey, look at that. The cover of a national magazine.
-Shimaraki, I made it. -Shimaroki.
Shima-koo-koo. Would you excuse me for a minute? I'm a little busy.
You know that this is molto importante.
-Sadaharu who? -Oh. Sadaharu Oh.
Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron.
If that's his batting stance, he can't be all that good.
He just said that he's already beat Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron in homers.
Really?
I see. So if I want to curve it underhand, I just have to throw it like that.
Very important. Yes.
-What is it? What is it? -Kelly's not on the train.
-Kelly... What? -He's not on the train.
He's not? Well, nobody misses him.
Forget it. All right, go play in traffic or something.
Hey, why do you cover your mouth when you laugh?
Why do you cover your mouth when you laugh?
You got bad teeth or something?
I like your teeth. You have nice teeth.
Do you have a boyfriend?
Another girl?
Me?
A couple,
but nothing serious.
-Not serious? -Not serious.
Not serious?
Yes, not serious.
-Yes. Not serious? -Right.
Ohayo gozaimasu everybody.
Ohayo gozaimasu. Let's go.
Let's get a shot here.
Come on. Everybody in.
Ohayo gozaimasu everyone. I'm so sorry.
Excuse me.
Here. Okay. Okay. You... Okay.
Smile, boys. Smile.
Shape up, will you? Take pictures of them.
Promo, commercials, all kinds of endorsements.
TV, that's the most important. TV.
-Promotion. -Don't tell me, tell him.
Okay. Promotion...
I hope Marvin wins us the ballgame.
He says, "Why all this for children's baseball game, Mr. Lazar?"
Has he any idea what this could mean to Japanese baseball?
Well, translate already.
He says, "How much money do you stand to make
"'out of this charade, Mr. Lazar?"
Hopefully, a bundle.
In this area is where the Japanese soldiers are buried here.
And here are all the pilots who died in World War II.
Excuse me, Coach. I'm sorry, but you gotta listen to me.
You've gotta cooperate a little bit.
We've gotta create a little animosity between the two teams.
I know what I"m talking about. It's a must.
I mean, we gotta get a couple of
nasty little bits in the newspapers. Things like that.
Get you on TV. Well, translate.
Look, Coach. Coach...
I know you think I"m an ass. Okay?
And you've got good cause.
You know, a lot of people with any sense
would feel that way about me.
But a chance like this don't come along too often, you know?
I haven't had too many chances lately.
That's why I don't want to blow it.
All in all, this could mean a damn lot to you.
You know that, don't you?
You'll be able to buy a lot of new equipment for the kids.
Maybe even a little money for yourself.
We don't have to like each other to work with each other, you know.
That's loosening up? Listen, don't worry about it.
These people are not professionals. Gonna be a piece of cake.
Can't... Can"t lose.
Take it easy.
You were great up there. Great.
I knew you could dance, but where did you learn to sing like that?
You want me to take you to the bathroom, I will.
Anything you want, just...
Shimizu.
No, you don't. You"re going in the wrong direction.
Let"s go. Come on.
How's that...
You're trying to embarrass him. Come over here.
Listen, this is not Bob Hope.
You know, or Jerry Lewis or Dean Martin or anybody like that.
He's just a baseball player.
And I think you're coming on a little too strong with him.
Doing funny numbers and shticks with him.
You see, these kind of game shows is in my blood,
and I know what I'm talking about.
Just don't pick on him.
Shimizu, relax. Don't let him make you...
I'm going, I'm going. Relax.
He no understand. Okay?
Hey!
Did they win?
I can't believe it.
You can beat anyone with a Rawlings bat.
Wait till I show you what I got. Brand new uniforms.
This is for you. Look at that.
But we got uniforms.
Those are rags. I mean, this is the big league stuff.
Look at it. Look at the quality of it.
Look at the color? Two blacks, yellows?
Beautiful, beautiful. Any messages for me?
Eat, eat.
Ohayo gozaimasu, please.
I need somebody to come up here and clean up the rooms.
I usually wear number 44.
You're gonna wear number 8. I'm sorry, I couldn"t come up with 44.
But 44 is Hank Aaron's number.
I'm sorry.
He's retired anyway, so what's the difference?
Take 8. Hello? What?
Joe Morgan, that was the guy. He had 8. Right. Big hitter.
Yeah, good old Joe Morgan. I forget what his average is.
You know, Chico's sure been good to us.
So what? Chico"s been good to us. What, he gave you some uniforms?
We've come up with 30,000 bucks.
What's 4%‎‎‎‌‌‌‌ of 30,000 bucks, huh?
-$1,200. -$1,200.
It may not get you through college,
but it'll certainly get you a couple of girls
while you're going through college?
-Hey, they're here. -What? Who's here?
What's going on? Who are these guys?
Some of us are going to the game with them.
They invited us.
You can't go to the game with them. They're the enemy.
That's fraternizing with the enemy before game time. Don't.
The Lord moves in strange ways,
and he's guiding us into a wholesome friendship.
Listen, God bless the Lord,
he doesn't have a percentage of the game.
We just wanna see the sight
of whatever old dude they've been saying is so good.
All right, well, take care of yourself.
-Don't stay out too late. -Out of the way, Marvin.
Eat, eat.
-Yeah, l'chaim, goodbye. -See you.
See you later. Goodbye.
Have a nice time, be careful.
I'm staying here with you, Marvin.
No, you're not, I got an appointment.
-I'll go with you. -No, you won't.
This is a very private appointment. Thank you.
I am refreshed.
What?
How was your appointment?
-What are you doing here? -Waiting on you.
Come here.
My son.
What kind of place was it where you had your appointment?
It was kind of a restaurant.
-There were women in there, huh? -Of course there are women there.
Women go to restaurants, too. They gotta eat.
Did you kiss them?
You know, I'm with you guys for 24 hours a day.
You'd think I'd get a couple of minutes to myself.
What are you gonna call it?
-Call what? -The baby.
What baby?
Kissing's how babies are made.
People go to kissing and babies be popping up everywhere.
That's not true, Mustapha. Not true at all.
Is kissing all you do?
-How old did you say you were? -I'm six-and-a-half.
You're a little young to ask questions like that.
Why do people do it?
-It's a natural urge. -Urge?
An urge, an urge, a feeling.
Yes, exactly.
Do black people get the same urges as white people?
Exactly the same, exactly.
-How about the Japanese? -The Japanese, exactly the same.
Can you stay on your feet? We only got a couple more steps to go.
How do they get this natural urge?
You're born with this feeling. Don't you understand that?
It's a natural urge.
You see, girls get the feeling, boys get the feeling.
And it's warm, when they get together.
-Is that when you get married? -Not necessarily, no.
What do you do when it gets close?
I don't even know why I started this.
Do you have to get na... Do you have to take your clothes off?
-Well, it helps, yes. -Maked?
Yeah, well, it's not so bad.
-Why? -Well, it makes things easier.
-What? -I mean you make things go faster.
-What? -Smoother and easier. Forget it.
Do you have to get naked?
Well, not completely. No.
That's good because when I want babies,
I ain't getting naked nohow. I ain't no fool.
You're certainly not.
Kelly.
This is my father.
Hi, Dad, I'm Kelly.
Kelly. Me. I'm Kelly.
Kelly.
Wait? You want me to wait?
-Okay. And then we'll go get lunch. -Mo.
Get out. Get out.
Ahmad.
Nervous? Big game tomorrow?
Well, have no fear, Marvin's here.
-What's the matter? -Maybe I'm just tired of your hustling.
It's tough in my line of work, you know.
Gotta go out and hustle or else you go nowhere.
If you were some real big shot, you'd still be nowhere.
What do you think of that?
Man, you were... People like you were made to be nowhere.
Got you your game, didn't I?
-You got us a freak show. -What do you mean, freak show?
And dragging my brother all over the place
like he's some puppy dog. You know, I'm sick of that, too.
-I happen to like your brother. -Yeah, what you like
is a cute little nigger with a big smile
who don't mind you sticking a camera in his face.
You got no cause to talk to me like that.
You hurt me when you talk to me like that.
You ain't hurt. You ain't never been hurt.
Hey, Louis.
Marvin.
Now, what are you doing in Tokyo?
I wouldn't miss your big moment for the world.
You wouldn't?
Here on business with a friend. Promised to introduce you.
Mow, get yourself a chaperone for the kids.
He knows a great restaurant.
You know, what you and those boys are doing,
coming over here and taking that challenge,
that's really something. Really.
Thanks a lot.
They thought I was crazy, but I did it.
It's a shame things can't be evened out a little bit.
You can't change a .200-batter into an all-star player overnight.
That's not exactly what we had in mind, Mr. Lazar.
What were you suggesting, Locke?
Well, page 8.
See, these three boys,
they're over here visiting from the States.
And Louis and I are kind of chaperoning them while they're here.
Yeah, they're back at the hotel resting up.
They got a big day tomorrow.
And this boy, Henry Linver,
he's got a fastball that takes off like a goddamn bolt of lightning.
When does he turn 30?
No, no, no. They're all the right age. They're just big, that's all.
Hell, they're from Texas. What do you expect?
Everything's big in Texas.
Marvin.
Five big ones go down in your name in Vegas.
5,000 at 25-to-1, Marvin.
You figure it out.
How's the arm?
Hey, Stein, why are you drinking all the water?
-Are you nervous? -No, I'm thirsty.
Well, guys, Marvin has come through again.
Have I got a surprise for you.
Hey, guys, get in here. Henry, Mike and Mitch.
Pitcher, shortstop, second base.
Well, you guys were so worried about losing,
I thought I'd do something to help you out.
I mean, I don't want you guys to go out there
and feel embarrassed or anything like that.
Marvin, can we speak to you alone for a minute?
Sure you can, Tillyard.
Why don't you guys go out and warm up?
Throw a couple around.
What is it, Tillyard?
Maybe I'm speaking just for myself, but I don't think we need any help.
-I agree. -Yes.
Where did this come from all of a sudden?
We can handle it by ourselves, Marvin.
Yeah? You were singing another tune
the last time you got slaughtered out there.
-Things have changed. -What's changed?
You've pushed this underdog thing so much...
Yeah, everybody thinks we're a bunch of spazzes.
And now we have something to prove.
You're gonna prove it with the help of these guys.
I didn't get a regiment, you know.
It's not right.
Guys, I can't believe what you're saying to me.
I mean, if you guys don't like the job I'm doing,
you can tear up the contract, stick it down the toilet.
I couldn't care less.
Let me tell you something.
If I'm gonna stay in charge, you got to do things my way.
Know what I'm saying?
Come here? Come here. Listen to me.
Let me tell you why I hired those three guys,
why that's so important.
If the score is close, or if you win, you'll be heroes.
National heroes. Do you know that? There'll be promotions, commercials.
Listen, if you lose and you lose bad, you get slaughtered,
you know what you're gonna end up with?
Zilch. Zilcho.
You know what it means to be zilcho?
All right, get out there and play some baseball.
Come on, let's go. Fast.
Come on. A little spirit.
Hey, Marvin.
That was some of your best bullshit yet.
Marvin, Marvin.
-Bat our boys at the top of the order. -Yeah, yeah.
Hey!
Play ball!
It's gone!
You got 'em, Louis.
-They're calling us chicken. -Well...
You got them worried, that's why.
Out!
Could have gotten that if you'd have moved your ass.
Could have gotten it if you'd have moved your ass.
They're getting set on you, Linver!
Don't let them dig in on you, boy.
Did he do that on purpose?
Tillyard, Kelly...
Okay?
Don't worry, Marvin.
They don't know you're doing the best for everybody, but I do.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Next summer they're gonna be sorry. They'll like you more, like me.
Especially my mean old brother gonna be sorry.
Leave me alone, please.
-Hey, Marvin... -Will you leave me alone?
Safe.
Did you see that? He tried to hit him.
-He wasn't retaliating. -How do you know?
'Cause they don't play that type of baseball over here, punk.
Who are you calling a punk?
Why don't you just not mess with him?
All right, all right, all right.
Get out there, will you?
Love your boys.
Watch out. It's a double play.
Out!
No.
No... No shoot, nay.
Would you leave me alone? Get off me!
I'm just trying to break this fight up!
Now we'll see who's...
Come on, Kelly. Back off, will you?
You're gonna get it!
Will you break it up?
-No, no! -Cut it out.
Come on, you guys.
Stop fighting. Break it up.
Come on, beat it!
Let's go! Let's go!
What do you want?
What are you screaming at me for?
I don't even know what you're talking about!
We should have brought over a manager instead of ballplayers.
That does it, Marvin. We're through.
-Will you just tell your boys to cool it? -Yeah.
The stadium people say they're gonna call the thing off
-if there's any more trouble like this. -Yeah. Yeah.
Everything's all right.
There's nothing. What is it?
-Ladies and gentlemen... -What is it?
Due to circumstances beyond our control,
the game has been canceled.
People don't lose entire ball clubs, Lazar.
I don't know what happened. I mean, use your imagination.
Maybe CBS made them a better offer.
-Lots of rain check money to pay out. -Yeah, 25%‎‎‎‌‌‌‌ of the gate.
I was in line to do the Super Bowl this year.
Well, look, at four o'clock we lose the light,
but I'm gonna leave the cameras in place.
Now, if you and the new Japanese coach
can find your teams by four o'clock, let me know.
We'll tape the rest of it without the crowd.
What new Japanese coach? What are you talking about?
The other one resigned, or got fired. A big disgrace.
What?
The federation his team belonged to did not take this lightly.
I just wish we had a federation to deal with people like you.
You are my friend.
I can't believe it.
All I needed was one more strike.
I could have done it.
Almost did it.
I'd have gotten myself a couple of game shows.
Then I'd go to the movies. Yeah.
-Movie? -Yes. I would use Kubrick first. First.
Him and me, we got the same sensibilities.
You're all right, Shimizu.
What's the matter? Mot sharp enough?
Don't you like your steak?
Why are you throwing roses at me?
Shimizu.
Shimizu? Come on, pal.
Not as bad you think.
Come on, cheer up.
Hey, what do you say you come to L.A. with me?
Stay with me for a little while.
Come on, you could use the rest.
You can stay with me. If things get bad, really,
worse comes to worst, I'll get you a job as a gardener.
What do you say? But you can't commit harikari.
I mean, that would be horrible.
-Harakiri? -Harakiri.
I knew I had the pronunciation wrong.
-Marvin, you crazy? -Mo...
That's what I'm saying. You must consider it.
No, no.
Yeah, but...
What?
Don't get so...
Shimizu.
Listen, Shimizu.
Well, on second thought, you know, it's tough to get a job in Hollywood now.
You should have been there in the '40s.
You'd have worked on every picture in town.
You'd have had a lot of death scenes, and you'd have been good.
I don't know what it is with you. You're so contrary.
Maybe it's all that raw fish you eat.
Marvin, come here.
What do you want?
What?
Come on, get a move on.
He did it! He did it! That's my brother!
Safe!
Out!
Safe!
Hey, what are you doing? You were safe.
-I thought so, too. -So, what are you doing?
You could just tell he didn't think so.
I think he needs a pair of glasses.
-What? -Dishonest.
Come on, Kelly. Get a hit.
Snap out of it. You're not concentrating, Kelly.
-Come on, Kelly. -Come on, Kelly.
Come on, Kelly. Pay attention.
Baby!
-That's two. -Strike two.
Lighten up, will you, Kelly?
Kelly!
And that's three.
-Mo! -What do you mean no?
But it can't be.
-What? -Come on.
Get their uniforms on, get them back to the stadium.
But they played already.
They...
-Lazar. You bastard. -Yeah?
You're contractually obligated to deliver a game.
Nothing in the contract that says anything about a doubleheader.
And you call me that name one more time,
I'm gonna knock you right on your ass.
No writing, no writing.
Now listen, Lazar,
I will personally see to it the network sues your ass off
if you don't get those boys to the stadium.
Sue me.
Here. Here's my Bullock's card. Put it where you like.
I'm through promoting, hyping or anything else.
You understand that? You want these kids to play?
You go ask them. I'm through with this bullshit.
I'm not in the business. Right, Ahmad?
-You're getting there, man. -I think it's happened.
Hey, you guys, how about some Coke?
Hey, you guys, wait up.
-You... -How about some sushi?
-Shimizu? -Yeah?
-Next year, Cuba. -Cuba?
We take the both teams.
I get Castro to throw the first ball out.