鸚鵡是世上最受歡迎的寵物鳥 Parakeets are the most popular pet bird in the world.
不過它們需要悉心照料 But they require a lot of care.
現在完美鸚鵡給大家帶來無盡的歡樂 Now Perfect Polly brings you all the joy,
不會弄得亂糟糟的 讓你生氣 and no mess to make you mad.
它會停靠在窗邊或架子上 By the window or on the shelf,
有了鸚鵡 從此不再孤獨 with your Perfect Polly you're never by yourself.
太逼真了 你都不敢相信自己的眼睛 So lifelike you won't believe your eyes.
我們來看看 這只漂亮的小鸚鵡詳細介紹 Just look at the detail in this pretty little Polly.
可以把這隻小鸚鵡放在籠子裡欣賞 This life-sized Perfect Polly looks right at home in a cage,
或者讓它停在你的手指上 或者看它歌唱 or perch Polly on your finger and watch her start to sing.
完美鸚鵡會在 Perfect Polly chirps her
早晨和下午展現它的歌喉... little toot in the morning or the afternoon...
...今天完美鸚鵡只要14.99美元 ...Perfect Polly today for only 14.99
包括這個鸚鵡棲木桿 complete with the authentic Polly perch.
不過等一下 如果你現在拿起電話撥打 即可買一送一 But wait, call right now and you can double your order.
也就是一對鸚鵡的價錢才14.99美元 That's a pair of Perfect Pollies for 14.99.
別忘了 這還是包郵的哦 And don't forget to find out about free shipping.
這對特別的你來說 是最好的寵物 It's the perfect pet for someone special you know.
你有16條新留言 第一條新留言 You have 16 new messages. First new message.
嘿 我是吉娜 快接電話 Hey, booboo. Gina here. Pick up the phone.
接電話 拜託 Pick up. Come on.
我剛剛跟一個電話銷售員 開了一個最瘋狂的電話會議 I just had the craziest phone conversation with this telemarketer
他挺性感的 -下一則新留言 - and he's kind of sexy. - Next new message.
嗨 愛麗絲 我是達裡爾·莫菲特 Hi, Alice. It's Daryl Moffet.
我剛剛掛掉海岸藥店的格雷格的電話 I just got off the phone with Greg at Suncoast Pharmacy.
我不知道 I had no idea you weren't
你還沒有去拿你的藥 能給我打個電話嗎? picking up your medication. Can you give me a call?
你的家遠不可能... Your home is far less likely...
所有人來到我們美麗的星球 地球 Everybody comes to our beautiful planet Earth
如果你週五看了我們的節目 and it is beautiful if you saw our show on Friday
做一些好玩的 獨特的 to do something great, something unique,
只有你有這個天賦的 something that only you were born to do.
只有你能做的事情 你們的是什麼呢? Only you can give. So, what is your calling?
我肯定知道 我的是什麼 I definitely know what mine is.
這個節目就是要幫助 所有觀看我們的人 This show is about helping all of you who are watching us.
思考一下 然後做決定 Think about and then figure out,
因為這是你真正的技能 'cause that's your real job, to figure out
想想你的是什麼 然後開始以它為傲 what is your calling, and then begin to honor it.
成百上千的觀眾... Hundreds of people in this audience...
我會跟她核對一下的 I'm going to have to check on her. Yeah.
我得走了 很高興見到你 I should... head out. I'm... It was nice to meet you.
我叫愛麗絲 -愛麗絲 - Alice. - Alice.
保重 愛麗絲 Take care, Alice.
那是誰啊? -我不知道 - Who was that? - I don't know.
她問我<<雙城記>>裡有沒有強姦的情景 She asked if there was a rape in A Tale of Two Cities.
如果可能 只給你一個人 If maybe, well, one that's just for you.
只是個電話而已 Just a phone call, but
不過希望這是你們友誼的新開始 hopefully a new start for your friendships.
而且希望你們有6年 10年 12年 And hopefully those of you who haven't made the call,
沒有打過電話了 in six years, ten years,
這個節目讓你鼓起勇氣 twelve, will get the nerve from this show
拿起電話重新聯繫 就算是為了你自己 to pick up the phone and reconnect. Do that for yourself.
加利福尼亞彩票抽獎 The California Stack Sweepstakes.
你好 加利福尼亞 獨立日快樂 Hello, California. Happy Independence Day.
我是海倫·哈達韋 歡迎來到加利福尼亞開獎環節 I'm Helen Hardaway, and welcome to the California Stack drawing.
今晚 你要選中4個或更多的數字才算贏獎 Tonight, you need to pick four or more numbers to win.
如果選中8個數字 Get all eight numbers and
那你就贏得或分享今晚的頭獎 you could win or share tonight's jackpot
8.6千萬美元 of $86 million.
現在開始了 And away we go.
40號 Number 40,
23號 23.
37號 There's 37
接著是14號 followed by 14.
然後57 15 There's 57, 15.
最後我們的大獎數字是54 和39 And finally our bonus numbers are... 54 and 39.
彩票零售商將支付100... Lottery retailers will pay for prizes up to one hundred...
謝謝您撥打加利福尼亞彩票中心 Thanks for calling the California Lottery.
如果撥打此電話是中獎了 If you're calling to report a winning,
請說"我是贏家"即可 just say "I'm a winner at any time."
我沒有聽見任何聲音 Oops. I didn't catch that.
如果撥打此電話是中獎了 If you're calling to report a winning,
請說"我是贏家"即可 just say "I'm a winner at any time."
我是贏家 -我沒有聽見任何聲音 - I'm a winner. - Oops. I didn't catch that.
如果撥打此電話是中獎了 If you're calling to report a winning,
請說"我是贏家"即可 just say "I'm a winner at any time."
我是贏家 -恭喜 請稍等 - I'm a winner at any time. - Congratulations. Please hold.
昨天對愛麗絲·克裡格來說 是個非常幸運的日子 Yesterday was a very lucky day for Alice Klieg,
一個來自棕櫚沙漠的女人 拿著中獎彩票 a Palm Desert woman who holds the winning ticket
來領取8.6千萬的加利福尼亞彩票獎金 for an $86 million California Stack Sweepstakes payout.
天啊 那是我朋友 我的天啊 Oh, my... That's my... That's my friend! Oh, my God!
謝謝 謝謝 Thank you. Thank you.
我想讀一下我的演講稿 I'd like to read from a prepared statement.
我是夏天出生的 I was a summer baby,
並出生於1971年 在加利福尼亞西米谷市 born in the year 1971 in Simi Valley, California.
我媽媽是個營養學家 My mother was a nutritionist
我爸爸是個麵包師 and my father was a commercial baker.
我從1991年就開始用手淫來鎮定自己了 And I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.
我們不能為您播出剩餘部分 We're unable to show you the rest.
昨天是個... Yesterday was a...
他們把我的演講剪掉了 They cut me off.
喂? -搞什麼... - Hello? - What...
嗨 泰德 愛麗絲 是泰德 Hi, Ted. Alice, it's Ted.
他在新聞上看到你了 He saw you on the news.
他們把我刪掉了 -她現在很生氣 因為他們剪了她的演講 - They cut me off. - Yeah, she's mad they cut her speech off.
她好像很生氣 -她這氣可以評個7.5分 而且還在上漲 - She sounds bad. - She's about a 7.5 and climbing.
你不用留在那裡 -總得有人留在這裡的 - You don't have to stay. - Somebody has to stay.
他們把我減掉了 -好了 晚點再說 - They cut me off. - Okay. Later, tater.
愛麗絲? Alice?
你餓了嗎? You hungry?
我要泡碘浴 I'm going to take an iodine bath.
這是我新買的 我要通過 It's my new thing. I'm managing
高蛋白的生活方式 來控制我的情緒 my moods by living a high protein lifestyle.
阿立□唑(治療精神分裂)怎麼了? What's going on with the Abilify?
我先寫好了稿子 I have a prepared statement.
好 Okay.
"親愛的達裡爾 你一直都很好 達裡爾 "Dear Daryl, it's been a good run, Daryl,
但是我不會 "But as I will no longer be
再從加利福尼亞 領取福利 collecting disability from the State of California,
我們的訪問數不再是強制的 "Our visits are no longer mandatory.
我感謝你對我做的一切 "I appreciate everything you have done for me,
但是作為富人和名人的新成員 "But as a new member of the rich and famous,
我沒有時間痛苦" I simply don't have time for the pain."
好的 我也有東西要讀給你聽 Well, I have something I'd like to read, too.
"我親愛的愛麗絲 "My dear Alice,
"我很高興 I would be happy to discuss
"與你探討我們新關係 the logistical details of our new relationship,
"當我們一起努力探討之時 "A relationship which gives
這種關係給了我 me great pride when I reflect on the ground
莫大的驕傲 that we have covered.
從精神藥物學上 "Since the psycho-pharmacological
"芝士棒的治療方式 value of string cheese in the treatment
"對於邊緣型人格障礙 "Of borderline personality disorder is not,
"不在我的知識範圍內 即使是臨床試驗也是 to my knowledge, even in clinical trials,
"我建議你重新考慮一下 離開我們這良好 "I would encourage you to reconsider walking away from the good
"又必要的治療" and necessary work that we do."
你為什麼要停藥? Why did you stop your medication?
現在不一樣了 It's a new era.
現在是擁有8.6千萬的愛麗絲 Eighty-six million-dollar Alice.
你真的不想再見我了嗎? Do you really want to stop seeing me?
想 No.
不想 Yes.
想 No.
你想幹什麼? 愛麗絲 What do you want to do, Alice?
做一些大事 Something really big.
我今天搬家了 I'm moving today.
真好 Nice.
很好 Good.
如果我給你錢 If I paid you...
你可以說我精神方面 完全健康嗎? would you give me a clean-bill health, mentally?
謝謝你來我們的賭場 克裡格小姐 Thanks for choosing our casino, Miss Klieg.
你打算在這裡待多久? -還不確定 - So, how long do you plan on staying? - Indefinitely.
這裡可以帶寵物進來嗎? Do you allow pets here?
我們肯定可以想辦法的 Well, I'm sure we can work something out.
你養了小狗? -不是 - Do you have a dog? - No.
怎麼了? 親愛的 What's the matter, sweetie?
坐落在美麗的棕櫚泉地區 Located at the beautiful Palm Springs area.
沒什麼 Nothing.
我的建議是 一個辦法 What I'm suggesting, is a more of a less idea.
只要5美元的小費 A five-dollar tip for you.
問泰德一個小建議 很小的建議 Just ask Ted for a little advice, small amount,
建議你拿這些錢怎麼辦 - about what to do with your money.
我不需要任何幫助 媽媽 - I don't need any help, Mommy.
手呢? 謝謝 謝謝 No hand? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
抱歉 媽媽 -沒關係 - Sorry, Mom. - It's all right.
泰德 Teddy.
歡迎來我的新家 -這一定是你的愛麗絲吧 - Welcome to my new home. - This must be your Alice.
這是德裡克 -嗨 很高興終於見...好吧 - This is Derick. - Hi, it's so nice to fina... Okay.
這是我的閨蜜 吉娜 This is... this is my best friend, Gina.
我是她的吉娜 很高興見到你 -很高興見到你 - I'm her Gina. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
那兩個討厭的老鬼是我爸媽 Those two sour pussies over there are my parents.
這是德裡克 泰德的愛人 很不錯吧? This is Derick, Ted's male lover. Isn't that good?
嗨 -嗨 - Hi, hi. - Hi.
要不是你 我不知道我們該怎麼辦 If it weren't for you, I don't know what we would do.
我一直都很瞭解泰德 -什麼? - I always knew about Ted. - What?
我們以前結婚的時候 他跟我滾床單的時候 When we were married. By the way he fucked me.
我知道 I get it.
那麼... So...
成為百萬富翁了 是什麼感覺? how does it feel to be a millionaire?
我帶了演講稿的 I have a prepared statement.
演講稿 Prepared statement.
好了 Okay.
這就是我想說的 Here's what I want to say.
起因 對吧? Cause. Okay?
影響 對吧? Effect. Okay?
"我想讓你們都明白... "I want each of you to understand that...
只要你們相信 你們也可以像我現在一樣 "You can have what I have right now if you really believe it.
你們也可以擁有新的人生" -新的人生 - You too can have a new life." - New life.
新的人生 New life.
"在我開始新的人生之際 "And as I begin my new life,
"我必須回想 I must reflect on the love
"你們每一個人 給我的愛和鼓舞 and inspiration each of you has given me."
我愛你們 見鬼 沒讀完我沒想著要哭的 I love you, guys. Shit, I didn't want to cry until the end.
敬愛麗絲 和她的新生活 A toast to Alice and her new life.
新生活 New life.
敬我的新生活 To my new life.
我們一起期待 Let's hope.
我去拿蝦 I'm going to get shrimp.
...在厄瓜多爾收割 ...it's harvested in Ecuador,
當地人稱之為母親 where the locals call it La Madre
或媽媽 or The Mother.
冰沙是一種很好的 吸收多種營養的方法 Smoothies are such a great way to load up on powerful nutrition.
每一顆煉金豆都富含編碼的藍圖 Every single particle of Live Alchemy contains coded blueprints
可以改寫你的DNA that actually rewrite your DNA.
那麼誰準備好新的生活了呢? So, who's ready for a new life?
這是來自"新振動" This has been a live broadcast
演播室總部的現場直播 from the headquarters of New Vibrance Studios.
如果你有興趣加入我們的演播室的觀眾 If you're interested in being a member of our studio audience,
請聯繫下方電話 please contact the number below.
加利福尼亞棕櫚沙漠的直播 歡迎來到現場煉金術 Live for Palm Desert, California, welcome to Live Alchemy.
你不能把酸奶丟到垃圾桶裡 好嗎? You can't put yogurt in waste baskets. Okay?
我知道 不過 I know, but then, you
總不能不管吧 太噁心了 can't just let it be there. It's disgusting.
很高興見到你們 歡迎觀看現場煉金術 Good to see you. Welcome to Live Alchemy.
我是加布·羅斯金 I'm Gabe Ruskin.
要是我告訴你們 Now, what if I were to tell you
一勺煉金豆比16盎司的西冷牛排 one teaspoon of Live Alchemy contains more usable protein
所含的可用蛋白還要多 than a 16-ounce sirloin steak.
好了 準備為觀眾們烹調 - Well, get ready to pan to the audience.
真的 要是我告訴你 - It's true. What if I were to tell you...
100年後 我們的主要事物來源是藻類? ...that in 100 years, our main source of food would be algae?
就是現在 Now.
我相信 I would believe it.
嘿 哇 我們有個活躍的觀眾 Hey, hey, wow. We got a live one.
我不騙你 現在... And I wouldn't lie to you. Now...
我們現在都習慣 健康的食物味道都很差 對吧? We're all used to healthy food tasting like dirt, right?
弗蘭克 別拍觀眾了 Frank, pull away please.
是的 真的很難吃 Right, I mean, it's really bad. Well...
我想找個觀眾自願上台來 I'd like to get a volunteer from the audience
現場嘗嘗我的巧克力杏桃冰沙 to come taste my chocolate amaretto smoothie with Live Alchemy.
誰想來? Who's curious?
不要 拜託 不要讓這個瘋女人上去 加布 No, no. Come on. Not the crazy bitch. Gabe.
誰想來? 你想上來? Who's game? You want to come up?
過來 歡迎 很好 Right up here. Welcome. Yeah, it's good.
謝謝你的勇氣 Thanks for being brave, yeah.
你非常勇敢 Very courageous of you.
你相信我嗎? Would you believe me?
大多數人 他們一聽到"藻類" 他們就會說"噁心" Most people, they hear "Algae" And they say "Yuck".
我什麼都不怕 加布 包括成就 I'm not afraid of anything, Gabe. Including success.
你叫什麼名字? Oh, what's your name?
我叫愛麗絲·克裡格 My name is Alice Klieg.
我睡覺的時候都會看你的節目 I watch you when I sleep.
她說什麼? What... what was that?
是嗎? Is that so?
這是我這周第二次上電視 This is my second time on TV this week.
第二次上電視? 真的嗎? -是的 加布 - Oh, your second time, really? - Yes, Gabe.
我中了加利福尼亞彩票 I won the California Stack Sweepstakes.
8.6千萬美元 Eighty-six million dollars.
我發佈了記者招待會 I did a press conference
在這片區域的所有車站都會播放 that aired on all of the stations in this area.
真不可思議 你真幸運 That's incredible. You are a lucky lady.
我們很幸運邀請你 來當我們的小白鼠嘗試... And we're lucky to have you here to be our guinea pig to try...
中獎跟幸運沒有關係 -沒有嗎? - Winning has nothing to do with luck. - It doesn't?
嗯 都是心智訓練 No. It's all mental training.
道恩 搞什麼鬼? Dawn, what the hell?
你要不叫下你弟弟吧? 他好像... Well, why don't you ask your brother? He seems to be...
我們在這裡控制還是什麼? -目前沒有 - Are we in control here or what? - Not currently.
奧普拉說 世上的所有事物 Oprah says that everything in our
都是由基因水平 靠我們的想法而創造的 world is created on a DNA level by what we think.
我想著我要中獎了 我就中了8.6千萬 I thought I was a winner. I won $86 million.
好了 說句話吧 裡奇 -等下 - All right, give me the word, Rich. - Wait.
說的太好了 - That is just great. - I
我不是一直都想著 我會中獎 didn't always think of myself as a winner.
在我16歲的時候 我被診斷為躁鬱症 When I was 16, I was diagnosed with manic depression.
我20歲的時候 叫做"快速循環型雙相情感障礙" In my 20s, it was called rapid cycling bipolar disorder.
現在叫"邊緣性人格障礙" Now it's just called borderline personality disorder.
愛麗絲 快回來你的座位 -不要 - Alice, maybe come back to your seat. - No!
現在叫做"邊緣性人格障礙" Now it's just called borderline personality disorder.
有誰能堅持? Who can keep up?
我這一生的大部分時間 我都是讓我的診斷 定義我是誰 For most of my life, I let my diagnosis define who I was.
這是大錯特錯的 Big mistake.
現在 我發現... At a certain point, I realized
我得回到 我生病之前的狀態 I had to get back to me... before my illness.
噢 我的天啊 Oh, my God.
噢 天啊...我們的鏡頭為什麼要追著她? Oh, my... Why are we following her?
我是個夏天出生的小孩 1971年 出生於加利福尼亞 西米谷市 I was a summer baby born in 1971 in Simi Valley, California.
我從1991年就開始用手淫來鎮定自己了 And I've been using masturbation as a sedative since 1991.
我們得刪掉這一段 裡奇 -好 刪掉 - We have to kill this, Rich. - Okay, kill it.
刪掉 謝謝 -我父親是個麵包師 - Kill it, please. - My father was a commercial baker.
介紹一款奢華護髮產品 Introducing Essentis, luxury hair care system
由純天然及有機成分製造而成... formulated with natural and organic components...
你們真的認為她中彩票了? Do you think she really won the lottery?
真的嗎 有誰能夠上網搜一下? 她叫什麼名字來著? Seriously. Can someone Google that? What was her name?
我的天啊 加布 Oh, my God. Gabe, that was
這是我這一生中 最好的體驗 the best experience of my whole entire life.
你沒必要全都買掉 You didn't have to buy me out.
我需要蛋白質 I need the protein.
嘿 Hey.
你一定是那個中獎者 你好 我是裡奇("rich"也是"富人"的意思) You must be the big winner. Hi, I'm Rich.
我也是 Me, too.
我是加布的哥哥 I'm Gabe's brother.
這麼說 這個演播室是你們的? -當然是我們的 - So, you own all of this? - Gabe and I sure do, yeah.
我想到一個節目 -什麼節目? - I have an idea for a show. - What kind of show?
要不這樣? 你明天過來 How about this? You want to come in tomorrow,
我們坐下來 開個正式的會議 we'll sit down, we have an official meeting,
我們可以聽聽你這個節目 and we can hear all about this show of yours.
我相信一定很不錯 I'm sure it's a knockout.
好的 -怎麼樣? - Okay, yeah. - Does that sound good?
好 -太好了 - Yeah. - Great.
這是種習慣 對吧? 我們明天見 It's a mindset, right? Okay. I'll see you tomorrow.
她想怎樣都行 Anything she wants.
什麼都行 Anything.
好了 Okay.
你知道我們在幹嘛嗎? You realize that's where we are, right?
很糟糕嗎? It's that bad?
我們一起在開公司 天啊 你在想什麼? We run a company together. Jesus Christ, where the hell are you?
等下 我以為我們做的挺好的 - Wait. I thought we were doing okay.
90年代時我們算做的不錯 - We were doing okay in the '90s.
現在可不怎麼樣 Not so much now. We're going
我們又要開始裁員了 to have to start laying people off again.
不是吧 No, no.
他們認為我感染了 只有貓才有的病毒 So, they thought I had this virus that only cats get,
不過後來發現只是腸易激綜合症 but it turned out to just be IBS.
所以我不能高潮 So I couldn't have any orgasms.
我在醫院待了3個星期 I was in the hospital for three weeks.
不過我現在感覺好多了 But I feel so much better now.
太好了 愛麗絲 That is so great, Alice.
我可以拿進來了嗎? -可以 - Should I just bring it in? - Sure.
太好了 熏牛肉是我的 Great. Pastrami's mine.
要不說說你的想法吧? Why don't we get to your idea?
我想做主持人 主持一種脫口秀 I want a talk show with me as the host.
好的 這也不是... Okay. Well, it wouldn't...
我們第一次 嘗試新項目了 be our first foray into vanity programming.
沒錯 去年我們還做了那個手藝展 That's true. Last year we did that hobby show.
我覺得愛麗絲想取代奧普拉 I think Alice wants to take over for Oprah.
太好了 -那太瘋狂了 - Good deal. - That's crazy.
那你是想說說最近的事件? So, you want to talk about current events?
不是 No.
請一些嘉賓 然後做訪談? A show with guests and do interviews?
不是 No.
那你想說什麼東西? What kind of stuff do you want to talk about?
我 Me.
我還是沒有明白 要做怎樣的節目 I'm still not getting what the show is going to be.
我來說吧 黛博拉 Let me, Deb.
愛麗絲導演 拍攝 編排 佈景 服裝設計 Alice directing, shooting, editing, sets, costume design,
髮型和化妝 -對 我都想要 - hair and makeup. - Yeah. I want all that.
這些東西全部加起來 All these things add up to making,
製作你自己的節目 成本非常高 creating your own show extremely expensive.
對 特別是你沒有通過銷售產品 Yeah, particularly when you're not offsetting those costs
來沖銷你的成本 with income from selling products.
你想做半個小時的還是... -兩個小時 - Are we talking about a half hour or... - Two hours.
要花多少錢? -兩個小時? - How much would that cost? - Two hours?
一集就要10萬 You're looking at $100,000 an episode.
我覺得大概要15萬 I'd say more like 150.
要是乘以100的話 那就是... And that times a hundred would be...
1.5千萬 That's $15 million.
1.5千萬 $15 million.
談生意要用的 My business stuff.
噢 我想坐天鵝船出場 Oh, and I want to come in on a swan boat.
1.5千萬 $15 million.
各位 我們好好幹 Guys, we're doing this.
1.5千萬 $15 million.
太好了 拜託 肯定很有趣的 -精神崩潰很有趣? - Yes. Come on, it'll be fun. - Like a nervous breakdown is fun?
道恩 各位... Dawn, everyone...
我們要麼接這個節目 要麼開始裁員 we do this show or we start laying people off again.
你有沒有想過 Have you thought about how
這會影響其他節目? this is going to affect the other brands?
"現場煉金術" Well, Live Alchemy hasn't
在這兩年半的時間裡 都還沒有盈利 turned a profit in two and a half years.
"陶瓷萬歲" "聖特羅佩" Same with Viva Ceramica, San Tropez,
"尼奧在生"也一樣 "尼奧在生"就從來沒有賺過錢 Neo Regenerative. Neo Regenerative has never turned a profit.
是"尼奧再生" 你讀錯了 -你是這麼讀的嗎? 閉嘴 - Neo Regenetif. It's French. - Is that how you say it? Shut up.
現在是這樣 要是沒有這個女人 我們死定了 Here's the deal. We are dead in the water without this woman.
杏仁 The almonds.
別管杏仁了 Leave the almonds on the floor.
等開完會了 我會掃乾淨的 I can clean them up after the session.
要是你也吃的話 你是不是會感覺好一些? Would it make you feel better if you were eating, too?
這個對我沒有效果 This eating is not working for me.
食物會讓我們分心的 The food is distracting from the work.
我不得不吃 因為我現在需要葡萄糖 I have to eat because of my new relationship with glucose.
好吧 你可以2:05吃一點 All right. You can have a snack at five of two
然後2:50再吃一點 但是請不要在開會的時候吃 and another one at 2:50. Please stop eating in session.
所以... So...
像奧普拉一樣 不過是坐著天鵝船出來 like Oprah, but with a swan boat.
脫口秀 Talk show.
誰來主持... Hosted by...
我 Me.
你來主持 -對 - Hosted by you. - Yeah.
好的 我概括一下? All right. Well, how about a little recap?
以防萬一 你錯過上周的愛麗絲·克裡格秀... In case you missed last week's episode of the Alice Klieg Show...
不是這麼叫的 That's not what it's called.
不是這個名字 That's not the name of it.
你停了藥 你剛剛有花了1.5千萬 You're off your meds, you just spent $15 million,
你現在住在一個預約的賭場裡 you're living in a reservation casino,
還主持自己的脫口秀 and you're hosting your own talk show.
我不是說不准吃東西了嗎 I thought I asked you not to eat.
這是香蕉 It's a banana.
這個有皮的 It's in its own container.
我出來了 坐在天鵝船上 I come out... on the swan boat.
然後我開始講我自己 And then I talk about myself.
有沒有哪個節目 Is there a show that's
是你想要模仿的那種? kind of like what you want your show to be?
奧普拉 Oprah.
那我們可能應該看看 那些過去的奧普拉節目 So, maybe we should watch some old Oprahs
特別注意 每一集是怎麼選話題的 and pay special attention to how each show has a topic.
我有話題 I have a topic.
什麼話題? -我 - Which is? - Me.
什麼意思? -就是我喜歡什麼 - What does that mean? - You know, just what I love.
我的願望 我的夢想 我喜歡吃什麼 My hopes, my dreams. What I like to eat.
我覺得誰很賤 我的精神 Who I think is a cunt. My spirituality.
我的全部 Me.
我們得想想 怎麼把這些分成不同的部分 We need to figure out how to break this down into segments.
這是現場直播 -對 好 - This is going be live. - Yeah, okay.
這個嘛...我們用 Well... we have regulating
高蛋白的生活方式 調整大家的情緒 your moods with a high protein lifestyle.
我想來一次"再扮演" -演什麼? - I want to do a reenactment. - About what?
喬丹娜 -哪個喬丹娜? - Jordana. - Jordana who?
喬丹娜·斯潘格勒 -喬丹娜·斯潘格勒是誰? - Jordana Spangler. - Who is Jordana Spangler?
一個騙子 A liar.
堂娜·基夫 Donna Keever.
馬上就到你了 We'll be right with you.
這是愛麗絲想的 "再扮演" Alice's. For the reenactments.
好吧 她在哪裡? - Oh, right. Where is she?
在小隔間 在錄她的主題歌 - In the booth, recording her theme song.
你應該聽聽這些分類的名字 You should hear these segment ideas.
"情緒的配色" -好的 還有呢? - "Matching Colors to Emotions." - Okay. What else?
"做一個女人" 這是一首歌 "To Be a Woman." That one's a song.
還有"我仍然可以嗅到你" Something called "I Can Still Smell You."
"幸運食物" "你什麼都有 我什麼都沒" "Lucky Foods", "You Got Everything, I Got Nothing."
我們可以談談這個嗎? Can we please... talk about this?
談什麼? Talk about what?
我總感覺這個節目不太好 I don't feel great about where this is going.
你覺得這個節目怎麼樣? How do you feel about where this is going?
我很慶幸我們還有這個節目 我還有事要做 I'm glad we got to do this. I got work to do.
可憐又悲傷的眼神 Poor sad eyes.
我想念有狗的日子 I miss being around dogs.
我要買這只哥斯拉 I'll take Godzilla over here.
進去 Get in.
你想學習一下攝像機嗎? You want to talk camera?
這是變焦 這是聚焦 That's the zoom. That's the focus.
這是轉盤 Here's the pan.
還有這個調傾斜角度 Yeah? And the tilt.
還有這上面是訊號燈 And up here's the tally light.
燈亮的時候 表明正在錄製 When that's on, you know it's recording.
你想去吃晚飯嗎? -我不能吃 - Do you want to have dinner? - I can't.
可以吃工作餐嗎? Can it be a work dinner?
可以不吃工作餐嗎? Can it not be a work dinner?
只不過是個禁令而已 沒什麼大不了的 It's just a restraining order. It's not a big deal.
說的好像警察 -真的 - Sounds like cops. - It's real.
我不能靠近她 或者去餐廳吃飯 I can't go within 50 feet of her. Or Souplantation.
我離過兩次婚 I've been divorced twice.
真的嗎? Really?
嗯 Yeah.
不是兩次 是3次 Not twice. I mean three times.
我愛得太多了 I... I love too much.
這不是好事 It's not a good thing.
我床上有個鞦韆 I have a swing over my bed.
我是說... I mean, I...
以前 現在在車庫裡 I used to... It's in the garage now.
我可以去看看嗎? Can I make an observation?
可以 Sure.
我要你用力干我 I want you to fuck me so bad.
堅持 Hang over.
嘿 Hey.
我要進去了 各位 I'm going in there, you guys.
愛麗絲? Alice?
你要做髮型化妝了 We need you in hair and makeup.
我們都為你感到驕傲 We're all very proud of you.
我也是 Me, too.
你準備好了 You are ready.
你很漂亮 You are beautiful.
你很棒 You are great.
你很美麗 -首先...塗口紅 - You are nice. - In front of the... lips.
你真是秀色可餐 You are edible.
我只能畫成這樣了 This is the best I can do for you, honey.
得過去了 愛麗絲 -祝你好運 - You should go now, Alice. - Good luck.
跟運氣沒關 -好吧 - It's not about luck. - Okay.
還有30秒開始 2號相機啟動 Thirty seconds to air. Camera two to your mark.
有人知道她在哪裡嗎? 她現在要坐到那隻鳥上了 Does anyone know where she is? We need her in the bird.
你要做到那隻鳥上了 -好的 好的 格蕾絲找到她了 - We need to get you in the bird. - Okay, Grace has got her.
一把氣孔刀 不用任何力量或力氣或壓力 An Aeroknife, no force or strength or pressure.
她在盡她最大的努力 She's doing the best she can.
你還有什麼問題嗎? Do you have any questions?
大家在電視上看我的時候 Yeah, when people see me on TV,
我是經常換位置 還是一直在右邊? is my face switched around or on the right side?
你很漂亮 -謝謝 - You're going to look great. - Thanks.
玩得開心 Have fun.
我們馬上直播 5...4...3... We go live in five, four, three.
各位 她要出來了 Everybody, she is on her way.
這裡是來自加利福尼亞 棕櫚沙漠的 新振動演播室 From Palm Desert, California, New Vibrance Studios,
"歡迎來到我的世界"節目 有請主持人 愛麗絲·克裡格 it's Welcome To Me, with your host, Alice Klieg.
她手上的動作太多了 She's doing a lot with her hands.
她在幹什麼? 她好像太緊張了 - What is she doing? - I think she's a little frozen.
拜託 -快說話 愛麗絲 快說話 - Come on. - Say something, Alice. Say something.
你上電視了 You're on TV now.
大家好 我是愛麗絲·克裡格 這裡是"歡迎來到我的世界" Hello. I'm Alice Klieg, and Welcome To Me.
就這麼開始了 And so it begins.
減掉這段 20秒處插入 Lose it. Twenty to the insert.
我今天早上醒來的時候 發現我的枕頭上有一根陰毛 This morning I woke up and there was a pubic hair on my pillow
形狀就像一個問號 shaped like a question mark.
這不禁讓我想到一些 未解決的問題 And it really got me thinking of unanswered questions.
比如我本來應該 Like all the times in my
有某種感覺的 life when I was supposed to feel something,
但我總是什麼也感覺不到 but I felt nothing.
但是有時候 And all the other times in my life
我不該有感覺的 但我總是能感覺到很多 where I wasn't supposed to feel anything, but I felt too much,
而且我身邊的人 and the people around me
根本還沒有 為我的這些感覺準備好 weren't really ready for all of my feelings.
她買了多少集? How many episodes did she buy?
對我來說 這比海洛因還糟糕 To me, it's worse than heroin.
比任何兒童性虐待還糟糕 凡是你能說出來的都是 Worse than any childhood sexual abuse. You name it.
直到我脫離輔助輪的時候 It wasn't until I got off the sugar wheel
我才真正的第一次掌控自己的人生 that I really took control of my life for the first time.
然後我就停藥了 Then I went off my meds.
聖女果可以降血糖... Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic...
你之前知道嗎? Did you know that?
女士們先生們 Ladies and gentlemen,
烘肉卷蛋糕加紅薯泥 meatloaf cake with mashed sweet potato icing.
只有433卡路里 52克的蛋白 With only 433 calories, 52 grams of protein,
以及5克的碳水花合物 我現在要切開了 and only five carbohydrants. I think I'm going to have a slice.
是碳水化合物 還是碳水花合物? Is it carbohydrates or carbohydrants?
是碳水化合物 It's carbohydrates.
下一部分是什麼? -這裡停了很長時間 - What's the next piece? - No, we're on this for a while.
弗蘭克叫她繼續說吧 Can Frank tell her to move it along?
不 這就是她想要的 她想... No, this is what she wanted. She wanted to...
她想坐在那裡 吃一個小時的蛋糕? She wanted to sit and eat the cake for an hour?
對 沒有一個小時 不過5分鐘挺好的 Yes. Not an hour. I think it's a good five minutes, though.
真好吃 So good.
有時候我覺得很奇怪 Sometimes I really wonder about people.
不論他們在感情上 Whether they stop maturing
有沒有因為創傷事件而不再成熟 emotionally because of a traumatic event,
可能都是天生缺陷 maybe a birth defect.
我們可能永遠也不知道 We may never know what twisted
是什麼扭曲了一個加利福尼亞牙醫的女兒的心靈 the soul of the daughter of a California dentist,
讓她變成一個殘酷惡毒的叛徒 and to the cruel and malicious betrayer she became.
跟我來 我想給你們看一樣東西 Come with me. I want to show you something.
我要騎自行車去 跟緊了 I'm going to ride my bike. Come, tag along.
你的三文治有切達芝士 Your sandwich has Cheddar cheese,
還有生菜和蛋黃醬 also lettuce and some mayonnaise.
很好 正是我想要的 Good, good. That's what I want.
現在 我們想小女孩一樣 分享一些秘密吧 你先說 Now, in the manner of girls, let's share some secrets. You start.
終於解脫了 現在我可以不拘小節了 What a relief. Now I can let my hair down.
我是說防禦機制 And by hair I mean defense mechanisms.
現在你覺得很安全 你可以告訴我任何事 And now that you feel safe, you can tell me anything.
在我19歲的時候 我作為交換生 When I was 19, I went to live with a minister and his family
跟一個部長和他的家人一起住 as an exchange student.
有一次 我們去動物園 One day we went to the zoo
我看到一隻天鵝 吃餅乾噎著了 and I saw a swan choke on a pretzel bite before my very eyes.
你告訴了學校所有人 說我患有邊緣型人格障礙 You told everyone at school I was borderline.
等我問你的時候 你又說你沒有告訴任何人 And when I asked you, you denied telling anyone.
但是沒一個人 But every single person
都告訴我說 是你說的 that I talked to told me that you said I was.
所有事都變了 真的很傷我的心 Everything was different after that. And it really hurt me.
去死吧 喬丹娜 Fuck you to death, Jordana.
為什麼是這樣結束的? Why did it end like that?
後面有一些碰撞聲要處理 We have a few bumps to iron out.
為什麼看起來這麼廉價? Why does it look so inexpensive?
愛麗絲 我們讓你很快得 開始了這個節目 Well, Alice, we got you up and running pretty quickly,
所以我們還是想... - so we're still trying to...
還有為什麼一點不像奧普拉? - And why doesn't it look like Oprah?
因為你吃了一個蛋糕 是用漢堡包的材料做的 後來又開始哭 Because you ate a cake made out of hamburger and started crying.
奧普拉有業界最高的製作品質 Oprah had the highest production values in the business.
她還有最好的圖像 燈光 佈景 和聲效 She had the best graphics, the best lighting, sets, sound.
她什麼都有 She had everything.
我要那樣的 I'd like that.
這都是可行的 This is all doable.
我要一個新的開頭 Oh, I want a new opening,
和一個新的愛麗絲 and a new Alice.
我也要多一點天鵝 我可以從家裡帶來 And I'd like more swans, too. I can bring those from home.
我想請人來談話 比如拉裡·金 Yeah. I want to talk to people. You know, like Larry King.
那個演你的女孩 - What was wrong with the
怎麼了? -她不是我 girl who played you? - She just wasn't me.
有誰可以送我一程嗎? Can someone give me a lift?
可以 Sure.
我都不知道從哪下手了 真的 I don't even know where to begin. Really.
要不我們先去買天鵝? Why don't we try to get the swans?
她家裡有 她說了可以帶來... She has them at home. She said she's bringing...
我才不會去買一隻天鵝 I'm not buying one fucking swan.
你的電視沒關 You left the TV on.
已經開了11年了 It's been on for 11 years.
我應該讓他們 帶你去演播室的 I should have them take you to the studio.
謝謝你送我回來 Thanks for driving me. This is
這是我以前的房子 my old house from when I was a different person.
我看你 所有東西都按顏色分類擺放 I see you... got everything by color.
顏色有利於保持我的情緒分明 Colors help me keep my emotions separate.
是啊 我一直都不能保持我的情緒分明 Yeah, I can never keep my emotions separate.
你有沒有在睡袋裡幹過? Have you ever done it in a bag?
沒有 No.
要我把這件脫掉嗎? -不用 - Shall I take this off? - No, no.
如果你在為你的腳而感到煩惱 If you're embarrassed about your feet,
厭倦了劃破絲襪 或討厭刮刀帶來的疼痛 tired of tearing pantyhose, or sick of messy scrapers that hurt,
那麼你就需要磨腳器 銷量第一的旗艦版... then you need Ped Egg, the number one selling ultimate way...
早上好 我叫愛麗絲·克裡格 "歡迎來到我的世界" Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg, and Welcome To Me.
這裡是來自加利福尼亞 棕櫚沙漠的 新振動演播室 Live from New Vibrance Studios in Palm Desert, California,
"歡迎來到我的世界"節目 it's Welcome To Me.
有請主持人 愛麗絲·克裡格 With your host, Alice Klieg.
那個玉米田很漂亮 That corn is pretty.
我們開始錄製 然後快點結束吧 Let's get ready to track and dissolve.
有水了 謝謝 寶貝 Water. Thank you, baby.
沒事 寶貝 很樂意為你效勞 No problem, baby. It's all working for you.
換佈景 And rotate set.
跟我來 跟我一起享受另一次經歷吧 Come with me. Enjoy another time that happened to me.
1991年 大熊 Big Bear, 1991.
有小偷 Thief!
繼續 Keep going.
自己去買化妝品 喬茜·加斯頓 Buy your own makeup, Josie Gaston.
太好了 Yes.
噢 我的天啊 Oh, my gosh.
有人動了我的化妝包 Someone's been tampering with my makeup bag.
大聲點 你要大叫 叫出來 Really loud. You have to yell. Yell it.
來人啊 Someone!
有人動了我的化妝包 Someone's been tampering with my makeup bag!
這世上怎麼還有這種人 -這世上怎麼還有這種人 - How in this world. - How in this world!
有人動了我的化妝包 Someone's been tampering with my makeup... bag!
她有麻煩了 She's got problems.
我知道 這很生氣 我很傷心 I know, it's very upsetting. I was very upset.
我哭了很多天 I cried for so many days.
你說比爾看起來像個吸毒的人 You said Bill looked like a drug addict
他整天無所事事 and that he had no business working around people.
她媽媽贏了她 - Her Mom is kicking her ass.
但是她明顯一點都不在乎 - But she's not paying attention, clearly.
你要記住該記的 You remember what you want to remember.
現在我們都在注意了 Now we're all paying attention.
聖女果可以降血糖 而且富含碳水化合物 Grape tomatoes. They're low glycemic and full of phytonutrients.
愛麗絲? -喂 你好 謝謝你打電話過來 - Alice? - Yes, hi. Thanks for calling.
我覺得你是個天才 -是嗎? - I think you're a genius. - You do?
對 其實你參加了你的上一期節目 Yeah. I attended your last show, actually.
哥斯拉 過來 快過來 哥斯拉 Godzilla, come here, come here. Godzilla, come here.
這是為了更年期穿的 -我喜歡 - That's for menopause. - I like it.
你為什麼不穿比基尼? Why don't you get a titty-kini?
我穿那個很難看的 I look horrible in those.
你說你不適合穿比基尼是什麼意思? What do you mean you're not a bikini type?
比基尼裝 連體裝 You know. Bikini types. One piece types.
你錯了 吉娜 You got it all wrong, Gina.
如果你想穿套裝 決定權還是在於你的 If you want to wear a two-piece, the decision lies with you.
別人都沒有權利告訴你穿什麼 And nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.
拜託 要愛自己一點 Come on, love yourself.
我就很愛自己的 I sure do.
我選擇穿這件 This is the one I chose.
沒事 沒事 Nothing. Nothing.
我一生中有兩次 There are two times in my life
我給一個比我大一倍的人 吹過蕭 I've performed oral sex on a man twice my age.
天啊 Jesus.
就在那時候 我才發現你是個兩性人 And that's when I found out you were a hermaphrodite.
你是個騙子 喬安娜·斯潘格勒 You're a liar, Jordana Spangler.
你上電視了 -我不想上電視 - You're on TV. - I don't want to be on TV.
人人都想上電視 Everybody wants to be on TV.
不是所有人都是喜歡出風頭的人 Not everyone is an emotional exhibitionist.
早上好 我叫愛麗絲·克裡格 歡迎來到我的世界 Good morning. My name is Alice Klieg, and Welcome To Me.
歡迎來到我的世界 世界... Welcome To Me. Welcome To Me. Me, me, me.
歡迎來到我的世界 And Welcome To Me.
我知道要是我再咬它一次 它就會打我 I knew if I bit him again, he would beat me.
我不是說 像感恩節那種 And I don't mean, like, on Thanksgiving, you know,
我是說真正的打人 like a sexy beating. I mean like a real beating.
他說 He would say, "That's just
"在馬裡蘭 蓋瑟斯堡我們就是這樣的" how we do things in Gaithersburg, Maryland."
就像他是個大人物一樣 但他真不是 Like he was Mr. Big Man, and he really wasn't.
我以前是個超級摔跤手 I was a superior wrestler,
雖然我沒有像他那樣訓練過 even though I didn't have the training he did.
我上星期應該告訴你 I should let you know
我試著讓你繼續精神病治療 that I tried to have you put on psychiatric hold last week.
什麼意思? And what is that?
意思是讓你 It means having you
不情願的 進入觀察期 involuntarily committed for an observation period.
謝謝 -不客氣 - Well, thank you. - You're welcome.
我很擔心你 I'm very worried about you.
我覺得這樣對你很危險 I feel like you are a danger to yourself.
也許我不是你想的那樣 Maybe I'm not what you think I am.
我給你讀一下 I'm going to read a list of symptoms
停止服用阿立□唑 通常會有什麼症狀 common to people getting off of Abilify.
如果你有一下任何症狀 告訴我一聲 好嗎? Tell me if you are experiencing any of this, okay?
在你判刑之前 Do you have anything to say
你還有什麼想說的嗎? before you are sentenced?
我是無辜的 I am innocent.
但是你的放縱和墮落 But your wantonness and perversion
已經威脅到加拿大的聖潔 have threatened the sanctity of Canada.
但我從沒要求過要這個 或這個 But I never asked for these or this.
愛麗絲·克裡格 你被判有罪 Alice Klieg, you are found guilty.
有罪 有罪 Guilty, guilty.
不要 No.
媽媽 Mama.
太暗了 媽媽 我看到鞍馬了 媽媽 It's so dark. Mama. I can see the pommel horse, mama.
對 我接到愛麗絲了 Yeah, yeah, I got Alice.
好的 收到 Yeah, copy that.
克裡格小姐 Miss Klieg.
你是誰? -嗨 我是雷內 - Who are you? - Hi. I'm Rainer.
你上一期節目我給你打過電話的 -我記得 - I actually called during your last show. - I remember.
我只想告訴你 我覺得這個 Yeah. I just want to say I thought this was,
是你最好的節目 like, your best show yet.
真的嗎? -對 你應該每週播5次 - Really? - Yeah, you should do five shows a week.
我討厭等待 -就像看奧普拉一樣 - I hate waiting. - Like Oprah.
我不知道 我為你寫了這篇文章 Yeah, I don't know. I'm writing this paper about you,
關於你這個敘事節目的創意 about your invention of the narrative infomercial,
我想知道 您能接受採訪嗎 and I was wondering if maybe you would want to be interviewed.
好啊 -可以嗎? - Okay. - Yeah?
這都是拳擊要用的東西 All the boxing stuff here.
嘿 愛麗絲 -你猜怎麼著? - Hey, Alice. - Guess what.
他們要選我的節目 一周播放5次 They picked up my show for five days a week.
哇 太棒了 Wow, that's great.
而且我要跟一個歐洲管絃樂隊 一起錄我的歌 And I'm recording my song with a European orchestra,
還有他們在學校研究我 and they're studying me in school.
這個研究生來過我的節目現場 他穿了一套燕尾服 This grad student came to my show. He was wearing a tuxedo.
太棒了 愛麗絲 That's... so great, Alice.
只是我要鄭重聲明一下 It just, you know, for the record,
我想說 我不喜歡比基尼 I just want to say that I don't... I don't like bikinis.
不是因為我很肥或什麼的 我只是不... It's not that I think that I'm fat or anything. I just I don't...
他們準備開始了 -你知道嗎 我得掛電話了 - They're ready to start. - You know what? I got to go.
對不起 我要工作了 -好的 - Sorry, I'm at work. - Okay.
辛蒂·雪曼 Cindy Sherman.
是<<拉威恩和雪麗>>裡的? Yeah, from Laverne and Shirley?
不是的 她是個攝影師 No, no. She's a photographer.
天啊 你不知道她是誰 Man, the fact that you don't know who she is,
這個事實讓你 makes you, like, 75 million
更像激進分子 times more radical than you already are.
你介意我... -不介意 - Do you mind if I... - No. Not at all.
我喜歡你的面部表情 I love your facial expressions.
謝謝 Well, thank you.
我之前從沒接受過採訪 I've never been interviewed before.
好 乾杯 -恭喜 - Well, yeah, cheers. - Congratulations.
不好喝嗎? -我不喝酒 - Oh, is it not good? - I don't drink.
好 我採訪你 Cool. So, I'm interviewing you
是為了這門課 for this class that I'm
我們管它叫<<回憶錄表演>> in right now called Memoir in Performance,
當我看到你的"再扮演"... -我愛你 - and when I saw your reenactments... - I love you.
我喜歡你在節目裡 選替身用的那些性別 I love the way that you play with gender
種族 時間 和看法 and race and time and perception in your work.
我只是在想 I'm just wondering,
無膚色差別的選角背後是怎樣的? what's behind the color-blind casting for you?
你是說那個滑雪人 Oh, you mean the skier in
"有人動了我的化妝包"? "Someone's been tampering with my makeup bag?"
對 -她是那天最漂亮的一個 - Yeah. - She was the prettiest that day.
我是比較漂亮的那個 I was prettier back then.
你覺得我現在漂亮嗎? Do you think I'm pretty now?
這就是你要說的 -我說了... - That's what you said. - I said...
已經有17萬的點擊量 It's got 170,000 hits already.
你怎麼知道 我在這裡? - How did you know I was on here?
我一直在關注你的互動狀態 - I'm monitoring your web presence.
有人在模仿你 不過她們不是你 You've got some copycats, too. But they're not you.
我覺得不太舒服 I don't feel so good.
你不該吞掉的 You're not supposed to swallow it.
那我是不是應該吞掉你? Am I supposed to swallow you?
愛麗絲 Alice.
我的天啊 Oh, my God.
出生 Birth.
目的 Purpose.
命運 Destiny.
意圖 Intention.
奧普拉·溫弗瑞 Oprah Winfrey.
在電視節目早期 From the early days of television,
有不間斷的分享 there has been an unbroken line of sharing,
展示 和成長 showing, and growing.
謝謝收看"歡迎來到我的世界" Thank you for choosing Welcome To Me.
請繫好安全帶 準備起飛 Fasten your safety belts and prepare for take-off.
現在有請主持人 愛麗絲·克裡格 And now, your host, Alice Klieg.
愛麗絲? 你還在聽嗎? Alice? Are you still there?
我在啊 -我聽到你那兒有噪音 - Yeah, I'm here. - I hear... noises in the background there.
噢 我在機場 -你要飛去哪裡? - Oh, I'm at the airport. - Where are you flying to?
我不飛去哪兒 我只是要寄點東西 Oh, I'm not. I just... I had to mail something.
好的 Okay.
你打算去看... So, are you planning on seeing...
他叫什麼... -雷內? - his name... - Rainer?
你打算又要去見雷內嗎? Are you s... Are you planning on seeing Rainer again?
喂? Hello?
我想告訴你 我不再生你的氣了 -什麼氣? - I want you to know I'm not mad at you anymore. - About what?
還記得有一天 你凶我嗎? Remember the other day when you yelled at me?
愛麗絲 請你再考慮一下 回到養生之道上 Alice, please reconsider getting back on your regimen.
如果是劑量的問題 我們可以想辦法的 稍稍做調整 If it's a dosage thing, we can figure it out, make adjustments.
好了 時間到了 Okay, our time is up.
我們準備了大紅豆 碎牛肉 We've got red kidney beans, ground beef,
低糖番茄醬 香草和香料 low sugar tomato sauce, herbs and spices,
為我們帶來了 只有9克碳水化合物的食物 bringing us in at only nine grams of carbohydrants per serving.
這就是低糖食物 Now, that's a low glycemic meal.
道恩? 弗蘭克? 你們能看到這個嗎? -看不到 愛麗絲 - Dawn? Frank? Can you see this? - Not really, Alice.
要不你端下來 這樣觀眾就可以看見了 Why don't you bring it on down so the audience can take a look?
好主意 寶貝 -沒事 寶貝 - Good idea, baby. - No problem, baby.
我的天啊 好燙 Oh, my God, I'm burning.
天啊 好燙 -格蕾絲 快去幫她弄掉 - Oh, my God. I'm burning. - Grace, go help her get that off.
快滾開 Oh, my... Get away from me.
怎麼會這樣? 快救我 How did this happen? Help me!
這是誰幹的? 救我 加布 Whose job is this? Help me! Gabe!
你再打給加布試試 -我會再試試看的 - You should try Gabe again. - I'll try him in a little bit.
你有沒有告訴他 我在燒傷病房? -說了 我已經跟他說了 - Did you tell him I'm in the burn unit? - Yeah, I already did.
是不是傷的很嚴重? Will it be a lot of damage?
只有2級燒傷 Only second-degree burns.
我為什麼會發生這種事? Why did this happen to me?
女郎健身房關門了 Lady Gym is closing.
你覺得我應該告他們嗎? Do you think I should sue the station?
我的工作沒了 I lost my job.
你會找到的 You'll find one.
我已經感覺不到我的乳頭了 I can't feel my tits.
噢 別走 求你了 Oh, don't go. Please.
我要回去睡幾個小時 否則我明天就不行了 I got to get a few hours sleep or I'll be useless tomorrow.
我明天還有4個面試呢 I have four interviews lined up.
好的 Okay.
有誰可以幫我把電視打開嗎? Can someone please turn my fucking TV on?
敲你前門 你沒開 -是的 我沒開 - You didn't answer the front door. - That's right, I didn't.
我看到那次表演了 I saw the show.
哪一次? Which one?
我上電視的那次 The one that I was on.
我應該事先跟你說的 -你是應該說的 - I should've let you know. - Yes, you should have.
你要去哪裡? Where are you going?
這些都是德高望重的醫生 These are all well respected doctors,
有些是我認識的 a couple of whom I know personally.
他們都很樂意 替你看病 They'd be happy to consider taking you on as a patient.
你在炒我魷魚? -我沒有炒你魷魚 - You're firing me? - I'm not firing you.
我是為了我自己的安全著想 你應該試試看 I'm seeing to my own safety. You should try it.
達裡爾? Daryl?
回來 Come back.
不 我只是在吃芝士三文治 No, I'm just eating a cheese sandwich.
愛麗絲 Alice.
她來了 There she is.
歡迎回來 -謝謝 - Welcome back. - Thanks.
我這有件 可能會讓你開心的事 I've got something that might cheer you up.
翻到31頁 Turn to page 31.
不只是有人贏得了收視率 Not only did somebody make the ratings,
有人還打敗了<<新鮮王子妙事多>> somebody beat the Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
我剛剛還接到 聖貝納迪諾 KPXN電視台的電話 And I just got a call from KPXN San Bernardino.
他們想做你的經紀人 They want you for a time-buy.
恭喜 愛麗絲 Congrats, Alice.
謝謝 Thanks.
那週一表演什麼? So, what's on for Monday?
我想閹割一直狗 I want to neuter a dog.
在電視上? On TV?
黛博拉走了? -走? - Deb's walking. - Walking?
退出了 Quitting.
不 步行 No, no, no, no.
黛博拉 Deborah.
她是個威脅 裡奇 She's a menace, Rich.
我真不敢相信你居然讓她回來 I can't believe you're letting her come back.
噢 等一下 我當然要相信 Oh, wait, yeah. Of course I can.
因為你是個貪婪的混蛋 'Cause you are a greedy twat.
她說的有點道理 She has a point.
去和你的女朋友好好玩吧 Go have fun with your girlfriend.
我完了 I'm done.
回家吧 我來搞定愛麗絲 Go home. I'll finish up with Alice.
不是 我真的完了 -回家吧 加布 - No, I mean really done. - Go home, Gabe!
你喜歡欺負人是吧? You like being a bully?
你好像有點緊張 加布 You seem a little tense, Gabriel.
你為什麼要結婚又離婚? Why don't you get married and divorced again?
她感染你了 -你一點都不尊重我 - She's rubbing off on you. - You don't respect me.
你從沒尊重過我 我要你求我我 You never have. I want you to buy me out.
你真優秀 -我讓巴布把所有事都起草出來 - Oh, you're so superior. - I'll have Barb draw everything up.
天啊 Jesus.
6年前我是個獸醫護士 I was a veterinary nurse for six years,
幫助了成百上千的"前說經"患者 and assisted in hundreds of these "Pro-said-ures".
再一次 動物王國的 Once again the reckless copulation
魯莽交配給我們的小狗小貓 of our animal kingdom leaves us with a "Tis-nammi"
留下"提斯拿米"病菌 of puppies and kitties.
未來幾周 我打算閹割我自己的寵物 Over the next few weeks, I plan to neuter my own pets,
還有任何觀眾 願意帶來演播室的 任何寵物 and any pets any viewers would like to bring by the studio.
這是公益服務 -正如你們所見 - It's a public service. - As you can see,
哥斯拉吸收了氧氣和異氟烷的混合物 Godzilla is receiving a mixture of oxygen and isofluorine gas.
這個非常重要 在我們開始之前 It's really important, as you know, to remove all the hair
我們要把陰莖旁邊所有的毛都剃掉 from the penis and walnuts before we begin.
我們開始閹割 Let's castrate.
第一刀是最深的 First cut is the deepest.
我們要移除它的睪丸 We're going to want to remove the walnuts from the other tissue.
我現在要用單絲將它縫起來 Now I'm going to tie it off with the monofilament.
這叫做皮肉縫合 This is called a subcuticular suture.
這樣就會消失 And it's going to dissolve
以免小狗舔它的傷口 in case the doggie licks the little wound.
如果你有小狗需要閹割 請聯繫... If you have a dog that needs to be neutered, please contact...
你怎麼樣? 喬治 -我要喝水 - How are you doing, George? - I'm... need water.
我們在做好事 We're doing a good thing.
這一周都是 Doing this all week.
我們從簡單的開始 Let's start with the easy stuff.
這是加布想要的 Here's what Gabe wants.
這很傷心 蘭德勒怎麼樣? That's just hurtful. What about Landon?
他還是保持中立 -他是個瘋子 打擊不了他 - He's still on the fence. - He's crackpot. Never hit him.
這不是重點 如果他決定要起訴 他會贏的 Not the point. If he decides to sue, he will win.
你們到底在演什麼? 裡奇? What are you playing at here, Richard?
她想上電視 She wants to be televised.
她說這傢伙是個"接受者" She calls this guy "Taker,"
還說他是個"思想妓女" Said he was a "Prostitute of the mind."
還起訴這個已婚媽媽 Accused this married mother of three
1991年的時候 偷了她3樣化妝品 of stealing assorted cosmetic products from her in 1991.
還有這些 這些... And the list just goes on and on and on.
他們想要多少? -我還沒說完 - How much they all want? - I'm not done.
因為她對那些狗所做的事 The ASPCA is going to be here
明天美國防止虐待動物協會要來這裡 tomorrow about what she's doing to those dogs.
好的 謝謝 巴布 -裡奇 - Okay. Thank you, Barb. - Richard.
他們會讓你一敗塗地的 裡奇 They're going to shut your ass down, Richard.
怎麼了? -我很快說完 - What's going on? - I'll be brief.
別再閹割了 好嗎? No more neuterings, okay?
這一切明天都要完蛋了 All this shit has got to go by tomorrow.
快把狗趕出去 這裡不歡迎它們 Take the fucking dogs out of here. I can't house them anymore.
我不能這樣 好嗎? 這關係到動物衛生法典 I can't do it. All right? That's just health code stuff.
他知道我們在直播嗎? 我要跟他說一下嗎? Does he know we're live? Should I say something?
一共有31條訴訟 對新振動提起訴訟 There are 31 lawsuits filed against New Vibrance
因為你詆毀了現場直播 from people you slandered on the air.
所以你最好 So you better get that
把這些東西都撤走 pretty binder out and make all these go away
否則很多努力工作的 or a lot of good hard working
沒有神經病的人 會丟了他們的工作 non-psychotic people will lose their jobs.
你別再傷害 或差點傷害我的員工 If you hurt or come close to hurting someone in my employ again,
你可以去其他地方去胡鬧 那我管不著 you can find somewhere else to do this nonsense. No discussion.
還有 別再操我弟弟了 Also, stop screwing my brother.
這可能對大家都好 That's probably best for everybody.
你慢慢演吧 Have a fantastic show.
不 這不是節目 No, this is not the show!
好了 Okay.
今天就到此結束吧 That's all for today.
愛麗絲 你還有40分鐘時間 Alice, you have another 40 minutes.
我今天就到這裡了 I'm done for today.
誰能把我的狗拿給我? Can someone please get my dogs?
把愛麗絲的狗拿過去 Let's get Alice her doggies.
還有 你們都聽到了 今天到此結束 And you heard the lady, that's a wrap.
我也可以回家了嗎? Can I go home, too?
拜託 Come on, guys.
我的車去哪兒了? Where's my car?
他等下過來 -為什麼要等下? - He's coming later. - Why later?
你今天提早結束了 -哦 對 - You finished up early today. - Oh, yeah.
嗨 我是吉娜 很抱歉我不能... Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry I wasn't able...
抱歉我不能接你的電話 Sorry I wasn't able to pick up the phone.
請留言 Please leave me a message.
我今天得取消我的私人司機 I need to cancel my chauffeur today.
應該說是這整個星期 This whole week, actually.
客房服務 -放在外面就好了 - Room service. - Leave it outside!
這下一則消息 是一個有關真正友情的完美案例 This next story is a perfect example of true friendship.
滾開 Go away!
嗨 我是吉娜 很抱歉我不能接聽你的電話 Hi, this is Gina. I'm sorry I wasn't able to come to the phone.
我之前跟你們解釋過 And I explained this to you guys before,
我這裡有大量的蛋白質 and now I have a thousand packets of protein
還有32克的碳水化合物 with... 32 grams of carbohydrants,
還有16克的葡萄糖 and... at 16 grams of straight glucose,
我...我用不了 and I can't, yeah, I can't use that.
各位觀眾 I want everybody, everybody
你們所有人都回家 in the audience and all of you at home right now,
不管你在幹什麼 你都要深呼吸 no matter what are you doing, I want you to take a deep breath.
吸氣 呼氣 謝謝 In and out. Thank you so much.
再來一次 吸氣 呼氣 Again. In and out.
接下來休息一個小時 Just relax for the next hour.
克裡格小姐 你還在聽嗎? Ms. Klieg, are you still there?
我一個人 I'm all alone.
求你了 Please.
求你了 我一個人 Please. I'm all alone.
我住在賭場裡 I live in a casino.
噢 謝天謝地 Oh, thank God. Thank God.
噢 天啊 你是我的見過的 唯一一個正常人 Oh, gosh, you're the only normal person I've seen.
又要開始吃藥了 小心點 Back on the happy pills. Look out, world.
你什麼時候可以出院? When do you get out?
24小時後 24 hours.
自從我燒傷後 就沒有跟你說過話了 I haven't talked to you since the burn unit.
我打過電話給你 可能有一百萬次 I've called you, like, a million times.
你看 已經好點了 Look, it's better.
你看到我不高興嗎? Aren't you happy to see me?
那些狗在泰德那裡 -我的天啊 我給忘了 - Ted has the dogs. - Oh, my God, I forgot.
等你一出院 As soon as they let you out,
你得過去接它們 他不會養狗 you need to get them. He can't keep them.
等下 你要走了? Wait, you're leaving?
你是個糟糕的朋友 You're a terrible friend.
你只顧你自己的痛苦 You only care about your own pain.
我很抱歉 你傷的這麼嚴重 I'm sorry you hurt so bad,
但是不代表其他人 but that doesn't mean
不容易受傷或敏感 other people aren't vulnerable or sensitive.
就因為你出人頭地了 And just because you made a career out of it
不代表其他人沒有感受 doesn't mean that other people don't have feelings.
你到現在都還沒有哭 就我自己在哭 You don't get to fucking cry right now. I am crying right now.
我丟了我的工作 I lost my job.
我跟你說過的 你卻從來沒有問過我一次 我還好嗎 And I told, and you haven't asked me once if I was okay
我是否需要幫助 -對不起 真對不起 - or if I needed any help. - I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
對不起 如果你想的話 我可以給你錢 I'm sorry. If you want, I can give you money.
我不想要錢 I don't want money.
我只想要我的朋友 I just want my friend.
吉娜 等等 吉娜 Gina, wait. Gina.
去你的 在你那傻逼節目裡 把我弄得那麼肥 Fuck you for making me fat on your stupid show.
什麼? 我只剩下這些? What? That's all I have left?
說是你中了8.6千萬的獎 其實沒有那麼多的 When you win $86 million, you don't actually get $86 million.
保守地說 我只有這麼多了 So, conservatively speaking, that's all I have left.
這是一筆錢 這還是一大筆錢 That's a fortune. It's still a fortune.
要是我是你的話 我會馬上把錢放到一個安全的地方 If I were you, I would put this in a safe place right away.
現在放在銀行裡 -我是說投資 我可以幫你 - It's in the bank. - I mean to invest it. I will help you.
如果你可以做一些明智的選擇 If you make a few smart choices,
你會過的很舒服 you can have a very comfortable life.
你收到花了嗎? Did you get our flowers?
收到了 非常漂亮 謝謝 Yes. They were very nice, thank you.
你感覺好點了嗎? You feeling better?
好多了 Much. Yeah.
又開始吃藥了 -那挺好 - Back on my meds. - Oh, good.
你有什麼打算? So, what's on your mind?
我還有6次節目沒有做 不過我想一次做完 I have six shows left, but I want to do one long one.
我們還以為你做完了 -差不多了 - Well, we just assumed you were done. - Almost.
你想做什麼樣的節目? What did you have in mind?
大節目 Something big.
好 我們可以的 Oh, we can do big.
愛麗絲 Alice.
我知道你在生我的氣 I know you're mad at me.
我很抱歉 真的很抱歉 And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
我接受你的道歉 I accept your apology.
好 Okay.
我想祝願你 愛麗絲 I do hope for you, Alice.
我真心祝願你 幸福 I hope you have a good life.
謝謝 Thanks.
再見 愛麗絲 Goodbye, Alice.
我可以進去嗎? Can I come in?
嘿 吉娜 是我 我知道我不該打電話給你的 Hey, Gina. It's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling you,
但是我只想讓你知道 我只有最後一次表演了 but I just wanted you to know that I'm having one last final show
要是你能去的話 我倍感榮幸 and I want... I would be honored if you were there.
所以.... So...
希望你能來 please come. Please come.
5...4....3...2... Five, four, three, two.
來自加利福尼亞 美麗的棕櫚沙漠的現場直播 Live, from beautiful Palm Desert, California.
一次特殊的再演 A special encore presentation
有請主持人 愛麗絲·克裡格 with your host, Alice Klieg.
謝謝 謝謝 Thank you. Thank you.
非常感謝 Thank you so much.
謝謝你們收看歡迎來到我的世界 Thank you for tuning in to Welcome to Me,
"天鵝的傳奇 電視節目的昇華" "The Legend of a Swan, A Telethon for Change."
我叫愛麗絲·克裡格 My name is Alice Klieg.
嘿 小傢伙 我知道你們想要回你們的蛋蛋 Hey, guys. You want your balls back. I know.
我也有很多 希望我可以改變的事 There are a lot of things I wish I could change, too.
我差點燒燬我的乳頭 I almost burnt my tits off,
讓很多我在乎的人 and let a lot of people that I
感覺到 我一點都不關心他們 care about feel like they weren't important to me.
我傷害了很多美國家庭 但是我學到了 I hurt a lot of American families, but I'm learning.
今晚 我想改邪歸正 And tonight, I'm going to make it right.
誰收養這些可愛的朋友 Anyone who adopts any of these loving friends,
可以獲得一年的狗糧 gets a year's worth of dog food and treats,
一個狗窩 還有一個豪華狗籠 a doggy bed, and a luxury travel crate.
我們屏幕下方有電話嗎? 道恩? Do we have the number on the bottom of the screen, Dawn?
有的 寶貝 -謝謝 寶貝 - Yes, we do, baby. - Thank you, baby.
怎麼回事? 道恩 What's going on, Dawn?
愛麗絲 要是我沒看錯的話 Alice, if I'm not mistaken,
那是旋轉木馬 that's the Carousel of Life.
那看起來真不錯 -沒錯 - That looks pretty damn good. - It does.
啟動轉盤 Cue the turntable.
她有了一個很好的開始 She's off to a really great start.
吉娜來了嗎? -沒來 - Do we have Gina yet? - No Gina.
對很多事都充滿感激 There are so many things to be thankful for.
不過現在 我想感謝一個 But right now I would like to express some gratitude
藝術家朋友 雷內·伊巴拉來了嗎? towards a certain artistic fellow. Is Rainer Ybarra in the house?
我想感謝你說我是藝術家 I wanted to thank you for calling me an artist,
因為你說那句話的時候 過去的日子都變得有意義了 because the moment you did, so many lost years had meaning.
我可以說幾句話嗎? Could I just say something?
不行 -你要回到你的座位去 - No? - You need to go back to your seat.
這是我假裝要淹死的時候 This is when I pretended to drown.
她不會有事的 -沒錯 - She's going to be just fine. - She really is.
現在我要感謝 And now I would like to honor
一個我真正在乎的愛人 a genuine love-maker who I really care about.
加布·羅斯金 你願意加入我的旋轉木馬嗎? Gabriel Ruskin, would you join me by the Carousel of Life?
千載難逢 人生給了你一張單程票 Once in a blue moon, life gives you a one-way ticket
去那個只有我們兩人的 深情之地 to that deep erotic play land that only exists inside of us.
海上閃耀的船長 Shining captain on a sea of takers,
你進駐了我的港口 一滴雨都沒有下 you docked in my port and it wasn't even raining.
去坐吧 Go sit down.
吉娜還是沒來 -我們是不是應該 - Still no Gina. - Should we use a reenactor?
用替身 替身 -對 - Use a reenactor. Use a reenactor. - Yeah.
快去找吉娜替身 準備上演"新公寓45" Get Gina reenactor ready for New Apartment 45 to the roll.
她會震驚的 She's going to be devastated.
領養的情況怎麼樣了? 道恩 How are we doing in adoptions, Dawn?
還沒消息 不過電話已開通 Nothing yet, but the lines
客服已經準備就緒 are open and operators are standing by.
這是獻給吉娜的 This is for Gina.
我覺得你的新房子很漂亮 愛麗絲 Well, I think your new apartment is great, Alice.
我不知道我該不該這樣 I don't know if I can do this.
也許我應該回到 Maybe I should go back to the
那個從1996年 我從動物管理處辭職後 halfway house where I have been living for most of 1996
一直在住的小房子裡 after losing my job at Palm Desert Animal Control.
你已經可以擁有自己的地方了愛麗絲 You're ready to have your own place, Alice.
我 吉娜·賽爾韋 知道你應該擁有 I, Gina Selway, just know that you are.
就像是 It's almost as if you
你比我還要更相信我自己 believe in me more than I believe in myself.
真的相信你 I really do.
嘿 格蕾絲 賽爾韋來了 Hey, Grace, Miss Selway has arrived.
我的天啊 吉娜來了 -什麼 - Oh, my God, Gina's here. - What!
我想讀我的演講稿 I'd like to read from a prepared statement.
"親愛的吉娜 "Dear Gina,
謝謝你是6年級時 "Thank you for being the only
唯一一個願意跟我說話的女孩 girl who would speak to me in the sixth grade.
"謝謝你讓我睡覺時抱著你 "Thank you for letting me sleep holding on to you
"度過1989年的糟糕時期 "During that really bad period in 1989.
"要是沒有你 我20歲時絕對無法渡過難關 "Without you, I could never have made it through my 20s,
"更別說成為百萬富翁 和脫口秀主持人了 "Much less become a millionaire and talk-show host.
"你是我認識的 最善良 最有耐心的人 "You are the kindest, most patient person I know.
"我不配有你這麼忠誠的朋友 "I don't deserve a friend as loyal as you,
"但我相信 我很幸運有一個 but I sure am lucky to have one.
"你可以跟我絕交... "You could have given up
"上700萬次 但是你沒有 on me seven million times, but you didn't.
"對於過去你為我所做的種種事 And for all those times,
"我想給你看樣東西" I would like to present you with the following."
我們馬上就要結束了 10... And we're out in ten,
9...8...7...6... nine, eight, seven, six,
5...4... five, four,
3...2...1 three, two, one.
你想要我留下來嗎? You want me to stay?
我覺得我最好跟那個小畜生在一起 You know, I think I'd better bond with the beast.
我有個禮物要送你 Oh, I got you a present.
我要這個幹什麼? What am I supposed to do with this?
你想拍什麼都可以 Anything you want.
好了 那我回去了 Okay, I'm going to go ahead.
你去忙你的 我明天打電話給你 You go ahead, do your thing. I'll call you tomorrow.
好 Okay.
再見 Bye.